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Red Skelton Show 52-06-18 (368) Cauliflower Fights Tonight
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Red Skelton Show 52-06-18 (368) Cauliflower Fights Tonight
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What do you think makes the perfect snack? Hmm, it's gotta be when I'm really craving it and it's convenient. Could you be more specific? When it's cravenient. Okay. Like a freshly baked cookie made with real butter, available right down the street at a.m. p.m. Or a savory breakfast sandwich I can grab in just a second at a.m. p.m. I'm seeing a pattern here. Well, yeah, we're talking about what I crave, which is anything from AM pm What more could you want? Stop by AM PM where the snacks and drinks are perfectly craveable and convenient. That's cravenience a.m. p.m. Too much good stuff. This is CBS the Stars address. The CBS Radio Network proudly presents the Red Scouting Show. For the next half hour we invite you to laugh your head off with Clem Caddidlehopper, Willie Lump Lump Dead Eye, the western cowboy, cauliflower McPug Jr. The mean little kid, San Fernando Red the Politician and all the other hilarious characters portrayed by you know who on the transcribed Red Skelton Show Orchestra to Lorene Tuttle, Pat McGee and Dick Ryan and the Smith twins will be me. Rod. Ok. From the Skeleton scrapbook of satire, we present a story entitled Cauliflower Fights Tonight. And it stars Metro Golden Mayor's Red skelton. Good morning, Mr. Skelton. Hey, Mr. Fred. Are those the morning papers? Yes, but I think you'd better skip the sport page. Why? Well, there's a picture of that punch drunk prize fighter you bought. That cauliflower make Pug excited. Oh, finally. Let's see. I read what's there. It says excited. Let's see. Oh boy. You know, to think of the trouble I almost got myself into when I bought this guy. Oh yeah? What happened? Well, remember I told the press what a great fighter he was? Yeah. And then that dopey gangster, he actually believed it. So he bet $50,000. Pay attention. This is the plot. That dopey gangster believed it and he bet $50,000 on MCPUG to win. And then he threatens to kill me if I don't pay off. If McPug loses the fight. Yes. But what if McPug loses? That's just it. He won't lose. Because Rod O' Connor is going to make him get out of town excited. I'll get it. Hello, Red Skelton speaking. Hello, you big wind baggie. Yeah, look, this is trigger happy McGeehan. Yeah, I just called to let you know I'm keeping my eye on you until after the fight tonight. And if McPug loses, you'd better have my 50 grand ready. Oh, well, look, you'll get your money back, all right? Don't worry. There, there. There's not going to be a fight. You see, McPug's not going to show up tonight. I've got news for you, blabbermouth. I talk to McPug, and he's going to be there. And you better have my money or else. You sound like a real killer. Yeah, a real man killer. I am. But in your case, I'll make an exception. Oh, tell me what's. What's wrong, Mr. Skelton. That guy, he just said MCPUG is going to go through with a fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if I don't return his losses, he's gonna take me for a walk. Oh, no. You mean a ride. No, a walk. Have you seen those prices on those used cars? Well, now, you just calm down. Goodness, I've never seen anyone so high strung. Oh, you should have seen my grandfather. Oh, was he high strung? Along with six other politicians. Well, if I were you, I. I'd try and. Facts. Maybe you'd feel better if I put on a David Rose record. You know, a new one came today. Oh, it did? Well. Well, put it on, will you? Music helps me to sa. Red Skelton will be back in a moment. In the meantime, this is Roy Rowan reminding you that your radio makes it possible for you to hear history as it happens. With pre convention excitement taking hold across the country and radio listeners looking forward to thorough convention coverage, it's interesting to note that it was only 32 years ago that radio brought its first election to the public. That was in 1920. Today, radio's complete convention and election coverage are a standard and valuable part of election years. On Monday, July 7, the Republican convention begins in Chicago. CBS Radio will bring you continuous coverage by the famous CBS Radio news staff, including Edward R. Murrow, Robert Trout, Lowell Thomas, Eric Severode, Larry Le Sueur and many other outstanding reporters. Starting Monday, July 7th on CBS Radio, you will hear history as it happens at the Republican Convention. And now for tonight's convention of comedy, back to Red Skelton. How do you feel now, Mr. Skelton? I'm worried about that silly McPug trying to fight. Well, I wish there was something I could do to help you. Yes. Oh, somebody's at the door. Yeah, I'll hide. Who moved that cellar door? It's at the other end of the hall. Now calm down. It's only Rod o'. Connor. Oh, hi, Brent. Oh, Connor, come here. I Thought you were going to talk this mcpug into leaving town. I thought you were going to do that for me. Well, I did, but he refused to leave. I talked to him. Yeah, but didn't you tell him if he fights and loses that we're both going to get bumped off? Yeah, I told him. You did? Mm. Well, what do you suggest now? Oh, I don't know. Prudential and Metropolitan are both good to help his jokes along. He has ad libs. All. Well, pull yourself together. You're a man, aren't you? Well, I guess I think I'm a man. What makes you think so? Well, I always get a seat on the bus. Not good, but it's better than what's here. Somebody's at the door. Don't let them in. Don't let them in. If people through the door first. See who it is. Will you see who it is? That cellar is still at the other end of the hall. Well, now, calm down, boy. I won't let anyone hurt you. Oh, I'll fight to the last drop of blood. What was that? That was it. Hey, look, I'll hide and I'll peek out. Hey, it's a cowboy. And he's so bowlegged he could sit down, stand. Yes. Honey. Is this where Red Skeleton lives? Yes. Yeah, I'm Dead Eye Texas. Deadeye. And I aim to go back to Texas just soon as the smog thins out so I can aim myself in the right direction. Now, come on in. Yeah, I have to turn sideways. You see, this door is a little narrow. Boy, you sure are bullying. Oh, that's nothing. You should see my girl. Yeah, when she runs, she looks like an eight beater. Say, got a picture here. Tell me, have you ever seen this ombre hombre? Why, yeah, That's Trigger Happy McGeehan. Yeah. You know, he's wanted down in Texas. We've been looking for him for some time now. He's wanted for robbery, murder and stealing two drums of tnt and selling oil stock. That's no good. Phony. Well, you'll probably get him tonight at Cauliflower's Fight. But be careful. You know, he's a pretty tough customer. Yeah, Stranger, you're talking one of the toughest Humber that ever. Whatever. What? You name it, I'll back it up. Boy, look, you see that poker in the fireplace over there? Yeah. You hand it to me, I'll show you something. Okay. Very few people can do this, but I'm going to take that poker and I'm going to bend it with My teeth. Texas style. Well, it's a good thing us Texans ain't big eaters. Most toothless. After that, how about a drink? Okay. Give me one of them Texas humdingers. What's that? That's 3 parts gin, 5 parts bay rum, a can of Sterno and a half a gallon of wood alcohol. And serve it in a chilled saddle with a spray of poison ivy and an olive if you have one. Well, tell me what happens to you after that drink. Well, after the first drink, you hear a herd of horses going by. And what happens on the second drink? You hop on one of them around the rest of them up. Say, oh, where's this guy Skelton? Oh, he's safe. Good. Will you tell him to hide until that I get that McGeean guy, will you tell him to go somewhere far away. Where do you think he should go? He's a Yankee, ain't he? Yeah. Well, just tell him to head for Texas. They'll tell him where to go. Look, now, I'll see you right after the fight. All right, but be careful. You know that McGee's a killer. Don't worry about me. I'm fast on the draw. And this is a hair trigger gun I got. What's this? We got to do something about that dandruff, don't we? Well, so long, partner. What do you know? I fell down the cellar. The front door must be at the other end of the hall. Now, you stick close to scout with you, and I'll keep my eye on that McGee boy. Hey, Skelton, come on out. He's gone. Okay. Boy, I hope that guy gets him before that guy gets me. Well, it's about time for the cauliflower fight. Shall we go and use my car in case you're followed? Course, it's just a runabout. Runabout? Yeah. There's no floorboard. Why don't you buy Mr. Fred a new car? Me buy him a new car? Sure. Look, boy, I got news for you. I got a wife, two kids and a tax collector to support. Come on. Yeah. There's the car. You'll have to crawl through the window. The door don't open. You know something? This is the first Lincoln I've ever seen with a beard. Yeah. You know, this car's so old. Yeah, you have to put saratan in the gas tank. Hey, I think the motor's getting a little hot. Oh, there goes Old Faithful again. Let's park his bucket of bull. Okay. There's a parking space. Oh, you can't get this tanker in there. Oh, who can. You can't. I'm an expert. I'll show you. Patience is always. He made it. But that Packard sure put up a great fight. Hey, hey. Duck down. Did you see who I saw? Oh, no, McGeehan. Oh no. Oh yes. Come on a hurry. We'll duck into this fighter's entrance. You go in. I'm gonna stay here. I'll stay in the car and listen to the fight on the radio. And before the fight, I understand that the Smith twins are going to sing. When I dream, I never run When I can walk, I never walk When I can sit me down, I never sit me down. When I can go to sleep. Cause when I sleep I always dream and when I dream I always dream of you. I never swim when I can float, I never float When I can sail a boat I never sail a boat. When I can drift and dream Cuz when I drift I always dream and when I dream I always dream of you. And there you are a million stars above you and that's how many times I say I love you I never talk when I can sing I never sing When I can kiss your lips and when I kiss your lips I always close my eyes and when I close my eyes I dream and when I dream I always dream of you and there you are a million stars above you and that's how many times I say I love you I never talk when I can sing I never sing when I can kiss your lips and when I kiss your lips I always close my eyes and when I close my eyes I do dream and when I sleep I always dream and when I drift I always dream and when I dream I dream of you. Red Skelton will be back in a moment. Meanwhile, I have the pleasure of presenting a gentleman whose distinguished voice you'll hear every Sunday this summer on CBS Radio. Hi, this is John Alcizarvoni. If you're not donating Sunday night, just give us a listen on CBS Radio. I'll be on with my friend Frank Fontaine. I won't be doing anything. I'll be just hanging around, not doing anything. You know, if I. If I ain't got nothing to do, I'll be just hanging around, not doing anything. I'll be there with you, Frank, huh? Yes, you certainly will, John. So give us a little listen on CBS Radio. He's a goofy, goofy guy. Yes. Give a little listen to the Goofy great comedy on the Frank Fontaine show every Sunday this summer on CBS Radio. Now back to Red Skelton. Hey, fat Boy. Yeah, Hi, Dead eye. What's up? McKeon just came in and I'm keeping him covered. Hey, where you going? I'm going in to see Cauliflower. Sorry, nobody can see him. He's in his dressing room. You can identify the body through the regular channels at the morgue after the fight. I'm Rod o', Connor, one of his managers. Oh, well, then go right on in. Yeah, I'm in there tonight. Boy. Boy, I sure hope I'm as good as my manager Red Skelton says I am. That's all I want. Oh, you'll be all right, sugar. Who's this Gulliver, a new girl? No, it's the same one. I just had her repainted. All right, outside, sister. Hey, what he do he dined at about you? You act like this is the first time I was ever in the ring. Kid, that's the trouble. You've been in there too long. You hear birds and bells. Look, but don't get me wrong. When I hear birds and bells, I'll give up the old fight game. Boy, I'm not punchy. Don't get me wrong. I never forget my biggest fight. I walk it. Can we get out of this, Avery? It's driving me nuts. Oh, brother, you really flipped your lid. Oh, yeah? You think I flipped my lid, huh? Yeah. You think I'm really going? I really do. I got news for you. You ought to see them rattlers that I room with wrestlers. Oh, them poor suckers. They're really gone, them guys. They're really gone. What's the matter with them? You've heard people about going being these guys are really gone. And if you tell them they were gone, they would ask you, when are they coming back? You know. I tell you about my big fight? No. We were fighting under the Marcus of Queensbury Rules, you see? That's tonight. That's tonight? Yes. And there's no hitting below the belt, is there? Yeah. Are you all right? I'm okay, Court. My pants are a little tight under the armpit. I'll be in your corner with a bucket of water and a towel. Do what I said, I'll be in your corner with a bucket of water and a towel. Look, boy, I'm going in there to fight, not to take a bath. I hear dinging, but no one is there. Oh, boy, this is gonna be murder. Yeah. Well. What? How do you like that? Oh, good heaven. For a fight bell are using Big Ben. How do you like that? Okay, go on, get into the ring. O boy. It sure is a long walk from the dressing room to the ring, isn't it? What are you yelling about? We've got to carry you back. Dave, would you do me a favor? Yeah. When the bell ring, aim me at the other guy that I'm to fight and give me a little chub, will you? That's him over there. And watch him because he's as strong as a Knox. Yeah, he may be stronger, but I'm dumber. Boy. Hey, boy, one of the boys must have got knocked out cold. I hear an ambulance coming. What's that? Is it a raid? Everybody run. No, no. Come back here and sit down. Ladies and gentlemen, in this corner, Cauliflower mc pug at 132 pounds. And in this corner, slugger Hercules weighs 294 pounds, 6 ounces. Looks like it's gonna be an even battle all the way. Okay, now get to the center of the ring for your instructions. Yeah. All right, gentlemen, now let's feel your gloves. Hey, hey, what is this, mcpug, a horseshoe in your glove? Well, I always carry one for luck. Now, you fellas know all the rules. I want this to be a nice, clean fight. Yeah. You got that, Cauliflower? I got it. I got it. All I want to know is when do I take the die? All right now, Ben. Back to your corner. Okay, start clinging, boy. Come on. Come on. What's the matter with you? Why don't you hit me? Come on, what's the matter? You played or something? No, no, no. I ain't allowed to. You silly jerk. I'm the referee. Now, will you start fighting? The bell already rang. Open the window and let them crows out of here. Boy, they're making too much noise. I can't even hear the bell when it rings. Oh, brother. Look, boy, if you're trying to beat my brains out, you're wasting your time. Come on. Fight, Cauliflower. Fight. Fight. What do you want for 50 cents a revolution? Hit him back. Hit him back. What do you mean, hit him back? In this position, I have no right to make enemies, believe me. Hey, am I hitting him? No, but keep swinging. He might get pneumonia from the breeze. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. The winner had given. Okay, fest. Boy, I just walk in front of me and lead me to that redheaded blabber. Yeah, you keep walking too, wise guy, or I'll blast you full of ad libs. Oh, yeah? Stand back. Don't anybody touch me. Now, listen, folks, this is a can of tnt. Anybody tries to stop me from getting away. I'll blow you to bits. Hey, he's getting away. I know. I'm just letting him get outside the arena. Come on, boy. Hey, there he goes across that vacant lot. Yeah. I'll show you how us Texas Rangers work. Now, I'll use my high powered pistol and try to hit that flask of TNT that he's carrying in his back pocket. Oh, wrong pocket. Now I'll try the other one. We'll show Nevada a thing or two. Well, you got him, Jedi. Yep. Well, Skelton's safe and you won't have to bother about taking him back to Texas. That's where you're wrong, partner. We Texas Rangers always bring back our man. You got a blotter? You've been listening to the Red Skelton Show. Remember that every single historic moment of the 1952 political conventions will be brought to you by CBS Radio's crack corps of news correspondents. Starting Monday, July 7th at the Republican Convention in Chicago. You will hear history as it happens, and it will happen on your radio this Sunday and every Sunday this summer. Take a radio wherever you go and hear comedy history being made on the Frank Fontaine Show. Red Skelton will return again next Wednesday night. In the meantime, wherever you go, make sure radio goes with you because every day is Fun Day on CBS Radio. Join us again next week for the Red Skeleton show that Skelton has heard in his program. To the courtesy of Metro Golden Mayor Studios, this is a copyrighted feature transcribed from Hollywood. This is the CBS Radio Network.