Sealtest Village Store 4x-xx-xx Joan Wants A Motocycle

Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio - Episode Summary: "Sealtest Village Store 4x-xx-xx: Joan Wants A Motorcycle"

Release Date: April 29, 2025

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1. Introduction to Sealtest Village Store

The episode kicks off with a bustling scene at Sealtest Village Store, where Joan Davis, the spirited proprietor, navigates the daily challenges of running the only store in the village. Assisted by Jack Haley, the pragmatic manager, Joan's vibrant personality sets the tone for the lively interactions that follow.

2. Joan's Struggle to Maintain Deliveries

At [03:06], Joan approaches Jack with a pressing issue:

Joan Davis [03:06]: "But, Jack, you've got to lend me your car. Mine uses too much gas. And that's why my coupons are all gone."

Joan reveals that the store can no longer make deliveries, threatening to lose business. She desperately needs transportation to keep the store afloat, pleading for Jack's support:

Joan Davis [03:06]: "Because we're the only store in the Village now not making deliveries. We'll lose business, and besides, people depend on us."

Jack, however, remains steadfast in his refusal, suggesting eco-friendly alternatives:

Jack Haley [03:28]: "You ought to buy something to get around that doesn't use gas."

3. The Motorcycle Opportunity

Undeterred by Jack's refusal, Joan spots an opportunity when a motorcycle pulls up outside the store. At [08:11], she expresses her interest:

Joan Davis [08:11]: "Hey, that'd be a swell thing for me. I wonder if the man will sell it to me."

Joan engages the motorcycle owner, attempting to negotiate a purchase despite her limited knowledge of motorcycles. Her confidence leads to a comedic exchange where she mistakenly tries to trade an Encyclopedia Britannica for the bike:

Joan Davis [09:09]: "Well, how bad do you need it?"

Jack Haley [09:16]: "Give you my motorcycle?"

4. The Accidental Crash

Seizing a moment later in the episode at [16:38], Joan decides to take the motorcycle for a spin. Her lack of experience becomes evident when she inadvertently starts the engine and struggles to control the bike:

Joan Davis [16:45]: "I guess this other lever turns it off. There."

Her inexperience culminates in [17:12], where she crashes the motorcycle into a parked car:

Joan Davis [17:19]: "Look out, Joanie."

The mishap not only damages both vehicles but also sets the stage for the ensuing conflict between Joan and Jack.

5. The Legal Battle

In the aftermath of the crash, Joan accuses Jack of negligence, leading to a humorous courtroom drama. At [21:07], Joan attempts to bribe Jack for information:

Joan Davis [21:21]: "I'll kiss you when you tell me who hit my car."

Jack, maintaining his composure, twists the situation to defend Joan in court. During the trial at [27:30], Jack improvises a defense based on his self-acquired legal knowledge from the encyclopedia:

Jack Haley [27:24]: "We may appear guilty, but we did not commit this act woefully. And we ask for an acquittal."

Their antics in the courtroom result in a swift resolution when they agree to a settlement of $100 to dismiss the charges, leaving Joan out of both money and a functional delivery method.

6. Resolution and Final Reflection

Despite the settlement, Joan remains resolute in finding a solution to her delivery woes. At [29:22], she humorously contemplates unconventional transportation:

Joan Davis [29:22]: "We're going to the zoo. To rent the stork."

The episode concludes with Joan's optimistic albeit whimsical approach to overcoming her challenges, highlighting her indomitable spirit and the enduring camaraderie between her and Jack.

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Notable Quotes

• Joan Davis [03:06]: "Because we're the only store in the Village now not making deliveries. We'll lose business, and besides, people depend on us."

• Jack Haley [03:28]: "You ought to buy something to get around that doesn't use gas."

• Joan Davis [08:11]: "Hey, that'd be a swell thing for me. I wonder if the man will sell it to me."

• Joan Davis [21:21]: "I'll kiss you when you tell me who hit my car."

• Joan Davis [29:22]: "We're going to the zoo. To rent the stork."

Conclusion

"Joan Wants A Motorcycle" offers a delightful glimpse into the comedic struggles of small-town entrepreneurship. Through Joan and Jack's spirited dialogues and mishaps, the episode underscores themes of perseverance, resourcefulness, and the humorous side of unforeseen challenges. Whether it's negotiating for a motorcycle or navigating a courtroom, Joan's antics bring both laughter and a heartfelt portrayal of community resilience.

Transcript

[Joan Davis]

We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Styles MacKenzie helping you make those rooms sing. Today's style tip. When it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals. Go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table. From wayfair.com fierce this has been your Wayfair style tip to keep those interiors superior. Wayfair Every style, every home.

[Jack Haley]

Our time is your time. Your time is our time. The Village Store. Joan Davis, proprietor. Jack Haley, manager, Rebroadcast especially for you soldiers, sailors, Marines and coast Guardsmen. Now, here's the star and proprietor of the Village Store, Joan Davis.

[Joan Davis]

Hello, Ma. What? They keep calling, eh? Well, just write their names down in my little black book. I'll decide on one when I get home. Goodbye. Gee, John, this is wonderful. Every man in town is calling me, trying to get a date. I have a new way of to attract men. They follow me wherever I really?

[Jack Haley]

How do you do it?

[Joan Davis]

Oh, it's easy. Every time I go out on the street, instead of wearing earrings, I just hang a cigarette on each ear.

[Jack Haley]

Tonight, the F Heirs, accompanied by Eddie Paul, bring us a new version of an old favorite. Somebody Loves Me. Somebody loves me I wonder who I wonder who he can be Somebody loves me I wish I knew who he can be Worries me For every girl who passes me I shall hate maybe you will make you see My love and save me Somebody loves me I wonder who maybe it's you maybe it's you Somebody loves me I wonder who I wonder who she can be Somebody loves me I wish I knew who she can be he worries me for every girl who passes me I shout he may be yours or one was meant to be My love and baby Somebody loves me I wonder who Baby, baby, if you.

[Joan Davis]

But, Jack, you've got to lend me your car. Mine uses too much gas. And that's why my coupons are all gone.

[Jack Haley]

But why do you need a car?

[Joan Davis]

Because we're the only store in the Village now not making deliveries. We'll lose business, and besides, people depend on us. Gee, you'd think I was trying to borrow it for a whole month. All I want it for is just 30 days.

[Jack Haley]

You can't have my car and that's final. You ought to buy something to get around that doesn't use gas.

[Joan Davis]

Doesn't use gas?

[Jack Haley]

Yeah. You can get a bicycle to ride around town or a horse to drive around.

[Joan Davis]

Yeah, or I can get a jackass to kick me wherever I want to.

[Jack Haley]

Go that I like. A jackass to kick you around that I like. That I like.

[Joan Davis]

Well, thanks. The. The job is open in case you're interested. Oh, please, Jack, if you won't lend me your car for a few months, just lend it to me for tonight. It's very important. You see, I have a date with a soldier who's been overseas for 13 months, and this is his first liberty.

[Jack Haley]

You mean his first leave. Liberty is what a sailor takes. Soldiers never take liberty.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, you poor, misinformed civilian. Look, Jack, you just gotta loan me your car for store deliveries. And besides, some night, my soldier friend and I can drive up to Lubricant.

[Jack Haley]

Lover's Lane. It's so dark and lonely. What can you do up there?

[Joan Davis]

What can we do? We're gonna play gin rummy by the light of the fireflies. Look, son, we're going up to Lover's Lane so we can S, P, O, O, N. Get it? S, P, O, O, N. Yeah, but.

[Jack Haley]

Where you gonna get cigarettes?

[Joan Davis]

See? I could have sworn I spelled something else. Oh, well, Jack, I can see you've never been up to Lover Plains.

[Jack Haley]

Oh, no, I've gone up Moonlight Night, but it's no fun.

[Joan Davis]

Well, that depends on what girl you take.

[Jack Haley]

Oh, you're supposed to take a girl.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, now bring the rain barrel inside, Mother. I have a drip in the store. Jack, are you going to lend me your car or not? Jack? No, I'm.

[Jack Haley]

I'm Joan. All right, Joanie. Cash is too tough to get.

[Joan Davis]

Well, but if I can't make deliveries, I'll lose a lot of business. Gee, it's a serious problem.

[Jack Haley]

Well, there's a very simple solution. Don't use a car. Get something else. Why don't you buy a bicycle or a horse or something?

[Joan Davis]

Well, maybe you're right, Jack. Hey, you know something? I got a hundred dollars to spare. Gosh, I wonder what I can buy for that.

[Jack Haley]

Well, I don't know. You could get. Hey, Joanie, look who just drove up in front of the store. Penny Cartwright. And she's in that new horse and buggy your father gave her last month on her birthday.

[Joan Davis]

See, that outfit wouldn't be bad for me. I wonder if I could talk her into selling it for $100.

[Jack Haley]

I doubt it.

[Joan Davis]

Well, I have a very shrewd business mind. I can outsmart Penny any day. And furthermore.

[Jack Haley]

Quiet, Joanie. Here she comes now. Hello, Penny.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, Jack, I'm so upset.

[Jack Haley]

What's wrong, dear?

[Joan Davis]

Well, my shafts are all bent and out of shape. What should I do? I'll wear slacks and nobody will notice them. Ms. Davis, please. Not only are my shafts bent, but my chassis is warped. Well, if your shafts are bent and your chassis is warped, there's only one thing for you to do. What? Put yourself up on blocks for the duration.

[Jack Haley]

Joanie, she's talking about her surrey. Just what seems to be wrong, Penny?

[Joan Davis]

Oh, I'm having so much trouble with the surrey. Last night I went riding and my axle got out of line again. Who got out of line? My Axel. I don't know what to do. Well, you used to tell Axel he's ain't better behaved himself. Look, kid, out of the kindness of my fair and square heart, I will give you the unheard of sum of five bucks for your horse. Five dollars? Why, that horse is worth at least $500. Oh, you drive a hard bargain, Penny. Are you willing to compromise? Well, yes. Good. Now, if you come down a little, I'll come down a little. I'll give you $3. Ms. Davis, don't be ridiculous. This horse is one of the best my father has on his farm. Oh, your father has other horses? Well, maybe you'll sell me one of those. I hardly think so. They're all expensive race horses. Hasn't he got anything else? Well, yes, he has one that does the heavy work. She's just an old nag that he's had around for years. That's no way to talk about your mother, David. Look, kid, won't you sell me the horse for $100? I certainly will not. And I don't intend to stay here another minute. Goodbye. Well, looks like I don't get her horse and buggy.

[Jack Haley]

Well, it was your own fault. Joanie, you gotta know how to handle Penny. You're too aggressive. You've gotta be diplomatic like me.

[Joan Davis]

Like you?

[Jack Haley]

Yeah. Now, what would happen if every time I went out with Penny I demanded a kiss?

[Joan Davis]

What would happen? I don't know.

[Jack Haley]

I gotta try it sometime. Maybe I'll get one.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, well, I don't need a horse and buggy. I can get some other mode of transportation. What's that?

[Jack Haley]

Oh, it's a guy on a motorcycle just pulled upside there outside the store alongside this curbstone, upside down.

[Joan Davis]

A motorcycle?

[Jack Haley]

Yeah.

[Joan Davis]

Hey, that'd be a swell thing for me. I wonder if the man will sell it to me.

[Jack Haley]

I don't know, but it looks like you'll get a chance to ask him. He's coming in the store.

[Joan Davis]

Swell. Watch me use my bargaining powers on him.

[Jack Haley]

Well, your bargaining powers didn't work on Fenny.

[Joan Davis]

Yeah, but this is a man and I know how to handle man. If you want to get something out of a man, all you have to do is talk his language. How do you do, sir? What can I do for you?

[Jack Haley]

Salutations. Pardon the intrusion, but if my assumption is correct, this is an apothecary.

[Joan Davis]

Hmm.

[Jack Haley]

I am suffering from a cranial disturbance and I should like to obtain a medicinal sedative. Huh? Go ahead, Joanie. Why don't you talk his language?

[Joan Davis]

Well, I will as soon as I find out what language he's talking. Now, what is it that you wanted, Bubba?

[Jack Haley]

My dear girl, what I'm trying to convey is that I need an aspirin.

[Joan Davis]

Well, how bad do you need it?

[Jack Haley]

Oh, very bad.

[Joan Davis]

Okay, I'll make a trade with you. I'll give you an aspirin if you'll give me your motorcycle. Huh?

[Jack Haley]

Give you my motorcycle?

[Joan Davis]

Yes. What she means is that she wants to buy. I want to buy your motorcycle. It's standing out in front.

[Jack Haley]

Oh, no, no, I. I can't sell you that. But if you want to buy something, I'm selling encyclopedias.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, who wants a three wheeled bike?

[Jack Haley]

My dear sir, would you explain to this girl that I'm selling the Encyclopedia Britannica? Tell her just what this English encyclopedia is. Why, sure, Joanie. The Encyclopedia Britannica is a bicycle you have to drive on the left hand side of the street for your edification. It is not a bicycle. Look, I have one with me. This is an encyclopedia. How do you like it?

[Joan Davis]

Very pretty. But it doesn't look enough like a motorcycle.

[Jack Haley]

My dear girl, it's a book. And what a book. It contains chapters on science, medicine, astrology, astronomy and law, to name a few subjects. And it's all yours for the nominal fee of $100.

[Joan Davis]

But I don't want it. I want your motorcycle.

[Jack Haley]

I'm sure if you glance through it, you'd change your. Shall we say mine?

[Joan Davis]

Shall we? All right.

[Jack Haley]

Well, I'm going down the street for some lunch. I'll leave the book with you two to peruse. Goodbye. By the way, I'm leaving my motorcycle in front of your store. Please keep an eye on it. Okay. Hey, Joanie, what did he say we should do with this book?

[Joan Davis]

Peruse it. Go ahead, Jack, stop perusing.

[Jack Haley]

Now you do it first, and if you like it, I'll try.

[Joan Davis]

You know, Jack, maybe I ought to buy this book. I can stand the education. I got a problem. Should I buy this book and Stay home and read and become smart or should I buy a motorcycle and be a dope who gets around? Or would I rather be a pig?

[Jack Haley]

Every little breeze seems to whisper, Louise Birds in the trees Seem to twitter, Louise each little rose tell me it knows I love you I love you Every little beat that I feel in my heart Seems to repeat what I felt at the star each little sigh Tells me that I adore you Louise Just to see Brings joy that I never knew but then to be so near you Drills me through and through Anyone can see why I wanted your kiss in that to be but the wonder is this can it be true Someone like you could love me? Louise Louise Louise can it be true that someone like you could love me, Louise.

[Joan Davis]

Gee, if I'm gonna dance in the store, I better change my hairstyle. My bangs keep going off. Well, I made up my mind about one thing. I'm not gonna buy that full encyclopedia. I need something economical to make store deliveries with. I think his motorcycle will be just the thing. If I can get.

[Jack Haley]

Oh, hello, Ms. Davis.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, hello, Stave Street. How are you, kid? Gee, I'm glad you dropped in. Maybe you can help me. I've got serious transportation trouble. Honest, Davey, I've just gotta have something to take me from one place to another.

[Jack Haley]

What's wrong with your legs?

[Joan Davis]

Well, let's not go into that, shall we? I can see you're not gonna help me, so maybe you better sing. Do what? Sing.

[Jack Haley]

I'll be glad to.

[Joan Davis]

Well, I sure talked a minute out, didn't I? Go ahead, Davey. Sing.

[Jack Haley]

Heaven I'm in heaven and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak and I seem to find the happiness I see when we're out together Dancing cheek to cheek Heaven I'm in heaven and the cares that hung around me through the weeds Seem to vanish Like a gambler's lucky streak when we're out together Dancing cheek to cheek oh, I love to climb a mountain and to reach the highest peak but it doesn't thrill me half as much as dancing cheek oh, I'd love to go out fishing By a river or a creek But I don't enjoy it half as much as dancing cheek to cheek Dance with me I want my arms about you the charm about you Will carry me through Heaven I'm in heaven and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak when we're out together Dancing cheek to cheek we interrupt this program.

[Joan Davis]

To bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home this is Nicole Byer helping you make those rooms flyer. Today's style tip when it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals go wild like an untamed animal Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table from wayfair.com Ooh. Fierce this has been your Wayfair style tip to keep those interiors superior. Wayfair every style, every home. We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Stiles Mackenzie helping you make those rooms sing. Today's style tip when it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals go wild like an unfolding tamed animal print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table from wayfair.com fierce this has been your Wayfair style tip to keep those interiors superior. Wayfair every style, every home.

[Jack Haley]

When we're out together in love together and dancing Chee coo chee.

[Joan Davis]

Please, Jack, come on outside with me. I want to look at that guy's motorcycle. He left. Stand out there.

[Jack Haley]

Okay.

[Joan Davis]

You know, I. I think I might buy it. Gee, Jack, look at this motorcycle. Isn't it a beauty? Hey, hold it while I get on.

[Jack Haley]

Now, be careful, Joan. You don't know anything about motorcycles, and you might accidentally start it.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, don't be silly. Say, this is fun. I wonder what would happen if I stepped on this lever. It's probably the windshield wiper. I'll try it. A very noisy windshield wiper.

[Jack Haley]

Joanie, you started the motor. Turn it off.

[Joan Davis]

Okay. I guess this other lever turns it off. There.

[Jack Haley]

Joanie, Come on.

[Joan Davis]

Stop it. Stop. Jen, I can't steer it. Help me, Joan.

[Jack Haley]

You're heading for that auto across the street. You're going to hit it.

[Joan Davis]

Look out, Joanie. Well, what do you know? I scratched the fender slightly.

[Jack Haley]

Tony. Tony, are you all right?

[Joan Davis]

Yeah, I'm just shaking up a little.

[Jack Haley]

Oh, thank goodness. But look at this parked car. It's a mess.

[Joan Davis]

It is. I wonder who could have done theirs.

[Jack Haley]

You did and you know it. Now you're gonna get into trouble. Hey, here comes somebody now. Probably the owner of the go automobile.

[Joan Davis]

The owner of the automobile? Here, Jack, you hold a motorcycle. I have to go back to the store.

[Jack Haley]

Oh, no, you don't. I'm not gonna take this wrap nas.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, this Katie. Oh, it's blimpy. Yes, it's me. I saw the whole accident. You did?

[Jack Haley]

Yes.

[Joan Davis]

Good. Then you'll be willing to testify that this parked car, without a driver, mind you, backed up and hit my Poor little motorcycle. Stop. That is not true. You ran into this car. Not only that, I was walking along minding my own business and you almost knocked me down with a motorcycle. Have you got a license? Do I need a license? I thought it was open season on pedestrians.

[Jack Haley]

Nobody was hurt and Joanie didn't mean to do it. Now why don't you be a good scout and forget the whole thing?

[Joan Davis]

Forget it? I will not. Misavas. I am going to sue you and take everything you've got. Thanks. Thanks. Yeah. What I've got, you can have. I've been trying to get rid of it for years. Oh, I've never been so mad in my life. I'm livid, simply livid.

[Jack Haley]

You know, Blimpy, you're cute when you get mad.

[Joan Davis]

Ooh. Oh. Oh. Do you really think so, Mr. Haley?

[Jack Haley]

Yeah, when your face gets red it looks beautiful.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, you're just saying that. Oh, brother. She's soaking that oil up like a rusty hinge. Then everything's all right. Limpy, you're not mad at me? Of course I'm not mad, Ms. Davis. And I'll prove it by being nice when I see you in court. Well, I have to run along now. But by the way, I'll drop into the store later. I want to buy a needle and thread.

[Jack Haley]

What?

[Joan Davis]

Boys, I'm going out tonight and I want to sew some wild oats. Get it? I made a funny. Oh. Now load your gun with buckshot, Father. The old crow's in the corn again. Well, good night, Eustace. I hope you know the words to the Prisoner song.

[Jack Haley]

La da da dum da Dina.

[Joan Davis]

Gee jag, she sounds serious. She's really gonna sue me. And wait til the owner of this car sees what I did to it. Then I'll really be sued.

[Jack Haley]

Don't worry, Joanie. I saw the whole thing. And I'll testify for you. I'm your pal and I don't care whose car it is. I'll say it wasn't your fault. I'll swear it wasn't your fault.

[Joan Davis]

Pardon me, good looking. Did you see who banged into my car? Whose fault was it?

[Jack Haley]

Oh, it was her fault.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, so it's your car, isn't it? Scarlett O'Harrigan? Did you do this, Ms. Davis? Me? Why, of course not. How can you stand there and accuse me so justly? Maybe I can help you though. I saw the whole thing. You did? Well, tell me who did it and which way did he go? You said it. Oh, Ms. Davis, you're not helping any Mr. Haley. Honey child, I'm flowing. Will you help poor little old me?

[Jack Haley]

Will you? Who do you want bumped off?

[Joan Davis]

I just want to know who smashed into my car. Well, Jack, don't talk and I'll give you a five dollar ring.

[Jack Haley]

Now remember, the name is Haley. And a Haley cannot be bribed.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, that's too bad, because if you told me I was going to give you a great big kiss. But I guess that that's bribery too.

[Jack Haley]

Bribery? Shrivery. Fuck her up, babe.

[Joan Davis]

Well, a bargain's a bargain. I'll kiss you when you tell me who hit my car. Ready?

[Jack Haley]

Ready. Contact.

[Joan Davis]

All right. Now tell me who hit my car.

[Jack Haley]

Funny, I can't remember a thing. Kiss me again and refresh my memory.

[Joan Davis]

I'm sorry, one kiss is my limit. Don't try to raise the ante.

[Jack Haley]

Oh, come on, raise the ante.

[Joan Davis]

How do you like that? He has to plead with her to raise the auntie. When here stands a girl who's willing to play for table stakes. There you can even cheat if you want it, huh?

[Jack Haley]

There's my motorcycle, officer. And there's the unscrupulous female who pilfered it.

[Joan Davis]

Just a moment. How dare you call me a female. I mean unscrupulous.

[Jack Haley]

Officer, arrest this woman. Just a minute. What happened here, miss? Look at my motorcycle, all smashed. Young lady, what's the idea of driving my motorcycle into this car?

[Joan Davis]

Oh, so you're the one who did it, Ms. Davis.

[Jack Haley]

Officer, I insist. I'm bringing charges against her.

[Joan Davis]

So AM I. Oh, Mr. Haley.

[Jack Haley]

Honeychar, kiss me again and refresh my memory. Hello, Ms. Davis. As an officer of the law, I'm putting you under arrest.

[Joan Davis]

Jack. Jack, come out of it. They're going to arrest.

[Jack Haley]

They can't arrest you, Joanie. They better get a cop first.

[Joan Davis]

A cop? Believe me, Jack, this character standing next to me in the blue uniform is not a wave.

[Jack Haley]

Come along, Ms. Davis. You can explain the whole thing to the judge.

[Joan Davis]

Jack, do something. Do something. He's taking me away.

[Jack Haley]

Don't worry, Joanie. I'll take care of everything. I'll see you in the judge's chambers. In the meantime, I'll get a lawyer, a cheap one. It'll only take a minute. Every day of my life you be near to me. Oh, the world between you is no more. You're still dear to me. With each breath I take, I just fly away. And the thoughts of you fill my heart. Memories will never come. Every day of my life I live just for you. And I'll treasure each Moment we spend when our love was new While the spark may burn I'll keep calling Someday you return and I'll wake you every day of my life.

[Joan Davis]

Every day of.

[Jack Haley]

My life Just for you and I'll treasure each moment we spent Our love was you While the spark may burn I'll keep hoping someday you return and I'll wait Every day of my life. Quiet. Quiet in the judges chambers here please. Everybody rise. Here comes his Honor, Judge Worthington.

[Joan Davis]

Good morning.

[Jack Haley]

Good morning. Who's the defendant?

[Joan Davis]

Me. Honest Joan Davis.

[Jack Haley]

Oh, it's you again. What is it this time? What are the charges? I charge Ms. Davis with theft.

[Joan Davis]

I charge her with the destruction of my car. I charge her with reckless siding. I'll be right back.

[Jack Haley]

Where you going?

[Joan Davis]

To report this to the OPA. I'm being charged too much, your honor. Ms. Davis took this man's motorcycle, bounced it up on the sidewalk, raised my shoulder, and then careened into Ms. Sterle's parked car.

[Jack Haley]

Ms. Davis, if these charges are proved, you'll have to pay for gross negligence.

[Joan Davis]

Okay, what are they getting these days for gross negligences?

[Jack Haley]

Come on, come on, let's get on with this case. Ms. Davis, are these charges true?

[Joan Davis]

Now just a moment, your majesty. As a respected member of this distinguished community, I am innocent of any premeditated criminological act. And not knowing legalistic procedure, I stand upon my constitutional rights and refuse to commit myself without benefit of a barrister. In short, I ain't opening my yap till my mouthpiece gets here.

[Jack Haley]

Well, where is your lawyer?

[Joan Davis]

I don't know. I.

[Jack Haley]

Wait, wait. Don't say anything. Joanie.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, Jack, thank goodness you're here. Where's the lawyer? I want to get out of here.

[Jack Haley]

You're practically out. I thought it over and decided not to waste your hundred dollars on a lawyer. I got a better idea. Uh oh.

[Joan Davis]

I can feel the hot breath of a cellmate on my neck.

[Jack Haley]

The encyclopedia that guy left at the store had a chapter on law, so I read it. And with the legal knowledge I acquired, I am here to defend you.

[Joan Davis]

You're gonna defend me? Dust off the electric chair, warden. I'm in for a shock, I fear.

[Jack Haley]

Now don't worry, Joanie. Leave everything to me. I know what I'm doing. I hope so, Ms. Davis, now that your lawyer is here, let's get on with this case. Your honor, in view of the fact that this case is ipso facto habeas corpus and mandamus delicti, and as I want a fair trial for my client, I Demand that the courtroom be cleared. Get rid of these people. But these people. These people are all witnesses. That's what I wanted to get rid of. Your honor, what are the charges? And we deny them. The charges are theft, reckless driving and property damage. Your Honor, as Ms. Davis lawyer, I ask you to gaze upon my client. Just by looking at her, you can see that she is incapable of any woefully malicious act.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, Jack's a sweet little lawyer. That's what he is. A sweet little lawyer.

[Jack Haley]

But now let's delve into her mental processes.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, and examine my brain, I suppose.

[Jack Haley]

Yes, that's what I wanted. Uh huh.

[Joan Davis]

The sweet little lawyer is starting to.

[Jack Haley]

Fermil a little in some nation. I wish to make this statement. We may appear guilty, but we did not commit this act woefully. And we ask for an acquittal. But if we are found guilty and we are sentenced, we are perfectly willing to let her pay her debt to society.

[Joan Davis]

We certainly are. Aren't you? Mr. Haley?

[Jack Haley]

There's no need to send Ms. Davis to prison. I discussed it with the plaintiffs and they're willing to settle the case for a hundred dollars. A hundred dollars a case? Ms. Davis, you pay these people $100. Court's adjourned.

[Joan Davis]

Well, here's the money. Gee, Jack, there goes my hundred. And I still haven't bought anything to make my deliveries in. What can I get that doesn't use gas?

[Jack Haley]

I don't know. You can't get a car, you can't get a motorcycle and you can't get a horse. I can't think of anything else to get around in.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, I wish I knew where I could. Wait a minute. I got an idea. Jack, we're going to the zoo.

[Jack Haley]

What for?

[Joan Davis]

To rent the stork.

[Jack Haley]

To rent the stork?

[Joan Davis]

Yeah. He's the only one I know of who's still making deliveries without gas.

[Jack Haley]

It this is the Armed Forces Radio Service.

[Joan Davis]

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