Sealtest Village Store xx-xx-xx (xx) Computing Joans Income Tax

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Sealtest Village Store (Computing Joan's Income Tax)
Release Date: January 4, 2026
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio

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Episode Overview

This episode of Sealtest Village Store—originally aired for troops during the 1940s—delivers a signature blend of musical performances, slapstick, and fast-paced banter centered around Joan Davis’s struggle to compute her income tax. The Village Store staff gets tangled in confusion with comedic tax “experts,” miscalculations, and elaborate, harebrained schemes to raise money for the government. The show pinballs between songs, gags about Hollywood stardom, and a wacky subplot involving a fake antique—all steeped in classic vaudeville energy.

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Main Discussion Points & Segments

1. Opening Comedy and Musical Number (00:33–02:56)

• Female proprietor Joan Davis is introduced, alongside her manager Jack Haley. The scene is set with a comedic military exchange about "KP" duties.
  • Memorable moment: Joan confuses “KP” as "Colonel’s pet" rather than "kitchen patrol." (01:11)
• Launches into the musical number "Don't Sweetheart Me, If You Don’t Mean It," blending romance and playful dialogue.

2. Joan’s “Screen Star” Dilemma (03:01–04:21)

• Joan laments newfound Hollywood fame, feeling watched "like a goldfish."
  • Jack: “And your career has just started. Why, right now, I have your picture with every studio in Hollywood. And you’ve got a very attractive offer.” (03:16)
• Comedy about which studio wants Joan, with a punchline about "Ripley" as a unlikely suitor. (03:33)
• Jack quips that Joan has "vigor and vitalis," to which she retorts, “You mean vitality?” “No, vitalis. You get in their hair.” (04:09-04:10)
• The “glamour girl” theme sets up the tax woes: “All the money I’ll make… think of all the tax you’ll have to pay.” (04:14-04:18)

3. Income Tax Troubles & The “Expert” Arrives (04:18–07:37)

• Jack computes Joan’s tax and claims the government owes her $4.23, which Joan doubts. She’s invited a “tax expert” for help.
• Enter Edward Everett Horton (in full comedic, scatterbrained glory).
  • Joan: “He just plays that part in pictures. When he gets here, you’ll find out he has one of the keenest minds in Hollywood… Why, here he is now!” (05:16)
• Classic verbal confusion: Horton can’t remember names and makes jokes about Joan’s “figure needing more meat.” (06:09)
• Horton launches into a wild scenario on what might happen if Joan really tries to collect money from the government:

  “The bookkeepers will have to stay up all night, neglect their wives and families… the children will be left alone to shift for themselves. They’ll go hungry, they’ll be undernourished, anemic, starved.” (06:45)

  • Joan dryly: “Here’s the $4.23. Go out and get those kids something to eat.” (07:00)

4. Subplots and Musical Diversions (07:37–12:03)

• Blimpy asks Joan for interior decorating advice, leading to a running joke about polka dot wallpaper made with sneezed tomato soup. (08:01)
• A surreal Paul Revere dream sequence and more wordplay about “permanent waves” in hair and “solar electricity.”
• Musical: "Dance with a Dolly"—showcasing the variety show roots of the program.

5. More Tax Escalation and Confusion (12:03–17:05)

• Joan checks back on her tax progress: the situation keeps getting worse.
  • At first, thanks to “a little error in addition,” she now owes the government $4.23, not the other way around.
  • Horton finds an even bigger error—Joan now owes $42.30 due to a misplaced decimal point. (14:53)
• Rapid-fire tax jargon satire:

  Horton: "Now, what is the difference?"
  Jack: “That’s what I say. What’s the difference? Let’s forget about the whole thing.” (15:21)

• Horton reads from the tax form, each line more incomprehensible than the last. The group admits defeat:
  • “It isn’t the single words that bother me. It’s the way they put them all together.” (16:49)
• Joan’s final stance: “I’m not gonna pay it. … it’s all Greek to me and I’ll be dying if I’ll pay taxes to a foreign country.” (17:02–17:07)

6. Etiquette and Social Comedy (17:16–19:56)

• Penny Cartwright enters; Joan feels slighted over a party mishap (throwing rice still in the chop suey) and is accused of bad manners.
  • Penny: “Not only is kissing crude, it’s also very unsanitary. There are enough germs in one kiss to kill 32 rabbits.”
  • Joan: “Never kiss a rabbit, kiss an animal. It can take it.” (19:46–19:51)
• Series of one-liners about social faux pas and mismatched figures.

7. The Antiques Caper – Raising Money for Taxes (20:14–28:39)

• Desperate for cash for her tax debt, Joan and her friends hatch a plan to sell Blimpy a fake “antique”—her father’s old trench helmet passed off as a “colonial soup bowl.”
  • The men scheme: if Blimpy believes their story, she’ll pay anything.
  • Eddie, defending the helmet: “That’s in case you eat like a horse. You can strap it over your head like a feed bag.” (26:31)
  • Joan: “If your soup is too hot, you take it by the strap and swing it over your head until it’s cool.” (26:39)
  • “That sounds reasonable,” says Blimpy, entirely convinced. (26:47)
• Blimpy offers $500 for the "bowl," but is outbid by a Smithsonian Institute rep, who buys the helmet for $1,000, naming it as a significant artifact.
  • Joan: “Now she’ll never find the $3,000 in Liberty Bonds hidden in the lin--“ (28:16)
• Blimpy gets the last laugh; Joan outsmarts herself trying to outsmart everyone else.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• KP Confusion:
  • Joan: “KP means Colonel’s pet.” (01:11)
• Joan’s Hollywood Prospects:
  • Jack: “Do you think I’m vivacious?”
  • Jack: “All the men in town say you have dim vigor and vitalis.”
  • Joan, correcting: “You mean vitality?” (04:03–04:10)
• Tax Chaos:
  • Edward Horton: “Are you trying to stir up a congressional investigation?” (06:36)
  • Joan: “Here’s the $4.23. Go out and get those kids something to eat.” (07:00)
• Error Escalation:
  • Eddie: “I found that you had the decimal point in the wrong place. You now owe $42.30.” (14:53)
• Tax Form Gibberish:
  • Jack: “It isn’t the single words that bother me. It’s the way they put them all together.” (16:49)
• Social Satire:
  • Penny: “When I studied biology, I learned that there are enough germs in one kiss to kill 32 rabbits.”
  • Joan: “Never kiss a rabbit, kiss an animal. It can take it.” (19:46–19:51)
• The “Antique” Sale:
  • Joan: “George Washington slurped here.” (26:19)
  • Eddie: “That’s a drain. … In case someone serves soup you don’t like, you drain it off into your pocket.” (27:02)
  • Smithsonian Rep: “That helmet was the first helmet issued in the last world war. … we’re prepared to offer a thousand dollars for it.” (27:41)
• Closing Laugh:
  • Joan: “No wise guy can put anything over on me… It takes a dope like Joan Davis to do it.” (28:31)

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Important Timestamps

• KP joke: 01:11
• Joan’s “glamour girl” complaints and tax setup: 03:01–04:21
• Horton’s “starving bookkeepers” monologue: 06:45
• Blimpy’s decorating subplot: 08:01–09:42
• The tax keeps going up ($4.23 to $42.30 to $423 to $1,000?): 12:35–28:16
• Fake Antique Caper: 24:25–28:31
• Final moral twist: 28:31–28:39

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Tone and Style

This episode is loaded with zippy one-liners, slapstick misunderstandings, mock-serious commentary on government bureaucracy, and classic radio variety flavor. The dialogue is rapid, friendly-jabbing, and full of self-aware asides, maintaining a light, satirical tone throughout.

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Summary for New Listeners

If you missed the episode, imagine a parade of wordplay, musical numbers, and comedic mayhem revolving around Joan Davis’s efforts to solve a simple tax problem that turns into a riotous spiral of confusion and high jinks. The cast lampoons Hollywood vanity, social etiquette, and bureaucracy, all emblematic of the golden age of variety radio. The climactic antique “soup bowl” scam is a standout set piece, ending with a double-cross and a callback punchline. In short: a delightfully nostalgic, joke-packed slice of old-time radio at its finest.

Transcript

[A]

Como made calmara mi familias lo que ago mejor porreso uso vics vapor. Sinda loso parami y parami familia. Vicks, vaposix papores. Vicks, relax.

[B]

Our time, in your time is Joan Davis, proprietor.

[C]

Jack Haley, manager, rebroadcast especially for you Soldiers, sailors, marines and coast guardsmen.

[B]

Now here's the star and proprietor of.

[C]

The Village Store, Joan Davis.

[D]

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Ellis.

[A]

Call again. Oh, by the way, I just got a letter from my brother Joey in the army.

[D]

You did? How's he doing?

[A]

Oh, he's doing swell. He's just been promoted. They made him a KP.

[D]

Ms. Davis, don't you know what KP means?

[A]

Well, of course I do. KP means Colonel's pet.

[C]

And now our father there is accompanied by Eddie Paul and his orchestra blend their voices in a new song entitled don't sweetheart Me.

[B]

Don't sweetheart me if you don't mean it. Don't talk sweet words if they're not true. Don't tear my heart like it was paper. Because my heart loved only you.

[D]

You can't go round, you can't go round we hurting others. And then pretend that in yours exclusively.

[B]

Love must be true. Mean what you're unless you do. Don't sweetheart me if you don't mean it. Don't give me that sweet talk. Don't sweetheart me if you don't mean it. Don't talk sweet words, it's the last truth.

[E]

Oh, gosh, Daisy May.

[D]

What do you mean, Elmer?

[E]

Oh, will you sweetheart me and all.

[D]

Oh, Elvis, our love is to you.

[B]

Mean what's the saying?

[D]

Sweet.

[B]

Will you sweetheart us? Don't sweetheart me if you don't mean it. Unless you do, you don't need to sweetheart me.

[C]

As we look in on the Village store, we find Joan Davis and Jack.

[F]

Haley discussing Joan's new picture career.

[A]

Oh, Jack, ever since I became a screen star, my life hasn't been my own. Why, I'm living in a goldfish bowl.

[C]

What's wrong with that?

[A]

Did you ever try eating some of that stuff they throw at us?

[D]

Goldfish.

[A]

And you know I can't go anywhere without crowds following me.

[C]

Yeah, and your career has just started. Why, right now, I have your picture with every studio in Hollywood. And you've got a very attractive offer.

[A]

Really, Jack? Did I get the offer from Danic at 20th Century Fox?

[B]

No.

[A]

Did I get it from Mayer at mgm?

[C]

No.

[A]

Did I get it from Selznick at United Artists?

[C]

No.

[A]

Well, what studio does want me?

[C]

I don't know. What studio is Ripley with?

[D]

Ripley.

[A]

Why, Mr. Haley, I'll have you know that I'm considered a celebrity some of the size that put their feet in the cement at Grandma's Chinese. Are they to put their hands in us?

[C]

Know what?

[A]

Well, I'm the only girl they ever asked to put her face in us. Come to think of it, they didn't say anything about taking it out. Oh, cheap, Jack. Just, you know, I'm a glamour girl. Now, tell me, do you think I'm vivacious?

[C]

I sure do. And I'm not the only one. All the men in town say you have dim vigor and vitalis.

[A]

You mean vitality?

[C]

No, vitalis. You get in their hair.

[A]

Well, I'm sure to be a big star. Just think of all the money that I'll make.

[C]

Just think of all the tax you'll have to pay.

[A]

Let's get back to all the money I'll make, shall we? By the way, Jack, have you computed my 1943 tax yet?

[C]

Yeah, I just finished it. And according to my figures, the Government owes you $4.23.

[A]

Government owes me $4.20? Jack, that doesn't seem possible.

[C]

Well, that's what my figures show.

[A]

Oh, I knew if I left it to you, you'd get it all mixed up. That's why I asked a tax. A tax expert to come up. That's five taxes to come up and figure it out for me.

[C]

You asked a tax expert? Well, I can't be wrong. I defy you to name one person who is as smart, as brilliant, as capable as I am. Just one person.

[A]

Mortimer Snowd.

[C]

Well, you're ringing in the dummies. Well, who is this mathematical genius you asked to come up here?

[D]

Who is he?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Edward Everett Horton.

[C]

Oh, yeah, Edward Everett Horton. Three of the dumbest guys I ever met.

[A]

Oh, he is not. He just plays that part in pictures. When he gets here, you'll find out that he has one of the keenest minds in Hollywood. He's positively brilliant. He's. Why, here he is now. Hello, Eddie.

[D]

It's great to see you.

[F]

It is? I mean, it is. Or is it? Or is it? And it's a pleasure to see you again. Now, don't tell me your name. Don't you tell me. I know. Eddie. Of course. It's Mammy Yocum.

[A]

Mammy Yoakum. Why, I'm Joan Davidson. I was just telling Jack how brilliant you are.

[F]

You were?

[A]

Yeah. And I would have gotten away with it, too, if you hadn't Shown up.

[C]

Hi, Eddie.

[F]

Oh, hello. Hello. Hello there. How are you?

[A]

Oh, well, you remember him, don't you?

[F]

Yes, of course. This is your son, Little Abner.

[C]

Listen, I'm Jack Haley, and this is Joan Davis.

[B]

Oh, so you are.

[F]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yes. You'll have to excuse my glasses are so. Just a little cloudy, you know. Now, Ms. Davis, what did you ask me up here for?

[A]

Well, it's about my income tax. I want you to help me out. I'm having trouble with my form.

[F]

Don't worry, I can help you. Figures are my meat. And I think I can say without fear of contradiction that that's what your figure needs, more meat.

[A]

Now, look, I'm talking about my income chat.

[F]

Oh, of course. Yes. Well, Miss Davis, what seems to be your trouble?

[A]

Well, Eddie, according to our figures, the government owes me $4.23, and I want to collect it.

[F]

You do? Ms. Davis, shame on you. Are you trying to undermine our national economy? Are you trying to cause a nationwide repercussion?

[D]

Well, no.

[F]

Are you trying to stir up a congressional investigation?

[B]

Now, look, eddie.

[F]

And you, Mr. Haley, you're a party to this insidious plot. Do you realize what all this can lead to?

[B]

But I haven't.

[F]

Why, the entire Treasury Department will be in a turmoil. The bookkeepers will have to stay up all night, neglect their wives and families. The wives will be frantic and run out looking for them. Their children will be left alone to shift for themselves. They'll go hungry. They'll be undernourished, anemic, starved.

[D]

Here's the $4.23. Go out and get those kids something.

[A]

To eat.

[F]

Davis, please. This is no laughing matter, Mrs. Serious. Do you two want to contribute to juvenile delinquency?

[C]

Okay, how much do you want us to contribute?

[F]

Davis, if you don't mind, I better check your return. You may have made an error somewhere.

[C]

That's possible. Come on in the office, Eddie, and I'll go over it with you.

[F]

Oh, that's fine. That's fine. You know the old saying, two heads are better than one?

[A]

Yeah, and I also know the new saying. When the heads belong to Haley and Horton, you can forget the old saying.

[F]

Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Now, this won't take long, Ms. Davis. We'll be back shortly.

[A]

Okay. Gee, I'll certainly be grateful to Eddie if he can straighten out my tacks so I won't have to worry about the whole thing. I get so mixed up. Oh, hiya, Blimpy.

[D]

What can I do for you? Oh, Ms. Davis, I'm refurnishing my home, and I thought you might give me a little advice on how to do do it.

[A]

Well, I'd love to, Blimpy, but how can I help?

[D]

Well, I was wondering where you got that lovely wallpaper you have in your breakfast room with the red polka dots. Oh, those aren't polka dots.

[A]

One day I was eating tomato soup and I sneezed. Beautiful though, ain't it?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Tell me, Blippy, what motive do you intend using?

[D]

Oh, I really want the place to look as if I had planned everything personally. I was wondering how I can get part of myself in every room.

[A]

That's easy. Just stand in the hall and spread out a little.

[D]

Ms. Satisf. You just don't appreciate the finer things the way I do. My bedroom is furnished entirely in early American. And do you know, it does something to me. Why, nearly every night I dream of those old colonial days. You do? Yes. Last night. Last night I dreamed that Paul Revere rode right into my room. I was seated at my dressing table waving my hair. Waving your hair? What was the matter?

[A]

Couldn't you afford a flag?

[D]

Oh, it was so thrilling. He came to warn me that the British were coming. I had a mud sack on my face and my hair was in rag curlers. And when Paul Revere saw me, do you know what he did?

[A]

Yeah, he turned around, went back to war in the British.

[D]

Ms. Davis, please. You have little reason to talk. It wouldn't hurt you to give your own hair a permanent wave.

[A]

Oh, no, thanks. I had a permanent once, and I'll never forget it. Why, I sat under the wave machine for 12 hours with the juice turned on.

[D]

12 hours? Oh, goodness. All that electricity in your hair. What did you do? Well, what could I do?

[A]

I started wearing a switch.

[D]

I must be getting napped to my little nest. It's going to be so cozy and lovely. Ah, I'm using every little scrap to build a pretty house. And then I'll get a great big trap and catch myself a spouse.

[A]

Oh, hasn't Blimpy got a wonderful voice? I love the way she throws herself into a song. I can't wait until she sings deep rivers.

[B]

As I was walking down the street down the street, down the street I met somebody who was mighty sweet, mighty fantasy I asked her would she like to have a talk have a talk make some talk Always fell and standing on the walk Wishing they were me oh, mama, mama, let me dress up tonight Dress up tonight Dress up Ton, I've got a secret column Set up tonight. Gonna dance by the light of the moon Gonna dance with a dolly with a hole in her stockings While her knees keep a knockin and her toes keep a rockin'dance with a dolly with a hole in her stockings on A dance by the light of the moon. Oh, Mama, Mama, put the cat out tonight.

[D]

No.

[B]

I work all day, I'm gonna scat and I won't be home until dawn. Gonna dance with a dol. A hole in the.

[D]

Toes.

[A]

Oh, Jack, I just love dancing.

[C]

Me too. Will you dance with me again? Just say the word and you'll make me very happy. No, thanks. That's the word.

[G]

Oh, Miss Davis.

[A]

Oh, Dave Street. Hiya, kid. How you doing with your girlfriend?

[G]

Oh, not so good. Last night I asked her if she wanted to become engaged and she said I'd have to ask her mother first. And now I've got a terrible problem.

[D]

Why?

[A]

Did her mother say no?

[G]

No. She said yes. And now I'm engaged to her mother.

[C]

It could have been worse, kid. She might have told you to ask her father.

[G]

You know, Miss Davis. You know, Miss Davis, I've been thinking I could break that engagement if you were seen out at dinner with me. But then I don't suppose a girl like you would ever play second fiddle.

[D]

Are you kidding?

[A]

Look, kid, I played second fiddle so often I'm known as the Poor Man. Joshua Hyphas. You better go ahead and sing something.

[E]

This is a lovely day to spend an evening can't think of anything.

[B]

I'd.

[E]

Rather do this is a lonely way to spend an evening can't think of anyone as lovely as you A casual stroll through a garden and a kiss by a lazy lagoon Catching a breath of moonlight Hunting our favourite tune this is a lovely way to spend an evening I want to save all my.

[D]

Night.

[E]

And spend them with you.

[A]

Thanks, Dave. Say, Jack, how is Eddie coming along with my income tax?

[C]

Oh, Joanie, I forgot to tell you. Eddie found a little error in addition.

[D]

He did?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Now, instead of the government owing you money, you owe them $4.23.

[D]

Oh, fine.

[A]

I had to hire an expert to tell me that.

[B]

Miss Davis.

[F]

Oh, Miss Davis, I discovered a slight error in your tax.

[A]

I know, I know. I owe the government $4.23.

[F]

Oh, no, no, no. That's just the first mistake. I rechecked it and I found that you had the decimal point in the wrong place. You now owe $42.30.

[A]

Now, look, Hetty, every time you look at this thing, it costs me more money. Are you sure that you're right.

[F]

Why, of course I'm right. Now, there are a few things that I must know. Right here in schedule H, it says if the total of your payments, that's line 2D on page 4 is larger than your tax line 20 on page 6, enter, enter the difference. Now, what's the difference?

[C]

That's what I say. What's the difference? Let's forget about the whole thing.

[F]

Oh, no, no, not so fast. I must know about the amortization of emergency facilities.

[C]

That's included in the depreciation, obsolescence and depletion stated in line 2, page for in regard to the corporate fiduciary. Ain't that right, Joanie?

[A]

I don't know what you're talking about, Jack.

[C]

What makes you think I do?

[F]

Please, this is all very, very simple. What it means is this. Where the tax liability of an individual for 1942 is discharged and such tax liability is greater than the tax for 1943, then the 1942 tax liability is added to the 1943 tax liability. Now, what do you think of that?

[A]

Well, it's catchy. But it'll never take the place of Mercy Dotes and Dozy Dose and little Angie Night.

[F]

Little attention. Here's a very important question. Have you included non trade or non business expenses incurred either for the production or collection of taxable income or for the management, conservation or maintenance of property held for the production of taxable income? Now, Ms. Davis, that calls for a very. A very simple answer.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

What is the meaning of that?

[A]

Well, that's the simplest answer I could think of. Look, Eddie, do you understand all this?

[F]

Why, certainly I do. I understand every bit of it. But of course, in my case, it's easy. I'm a little bit nuts to start with.

[C]

I can't follow it either.

[F]

Well, I don't know why there isn't a single word in there that should bother you.

[C]

It isn't a single words that bother me. It's the way they put them all together.

[F]

Well, I think I have all the information I need now. I'll check it once more to make sure. If you'll excuse me. Yes. I'll be back in a few minutes.

[C]

I hope he gets the right answer this time.

[A]

I don't care what answer he gets. I'm not gonna pay it.

[C]

What are you talking about? Why won't you pay it?

[A]

Because it's all Greek to me and I'll be dying if I'll pay taxes to a foreign country.

[E]

Oh, look.

[C]

Oh, Joanie, look who's coming in the store. Penny Cartwright.

[D]

Oh, that Penny Cartwright.

[C]

Why are you always picking on Penny, Joanie?

[A]

Well, she invited me to a wedding reception at her house last night, and she embarrassed me. She said I ruined the groom's full dress suit.

[D]

Well, you did ruin his suit.

[A]

All I did was throw rice at him.

[D]

Well, if you only threw rice at him, why did he get all messed up?

[A]

It wasn't my fault. In the excitement, I forgot to take it out of the chop suey. David was gooey foolish.

[D]

You were very, very cool. I was not.

[A]

I did everything according to the etiquette book. The book said to keep an eye on the hostess and do exactly as she did.

[D]

Well, Mother was the hostess. Did you do exactly as she did? Certainly.

[A]

I kept watching her. And when I saw her kick your father under the table, I went over and kicked him, too. And furthermore, you can't talk about my manners. The rest of your guests weren't very mannerly either.

[D]

Why, what do you mean, Ms. Davis?

[A]

Well, when they played charades, that game where you act out a book title and the rest. Try to guess what it is. They insulted me.

[D]

How?

[A]

Well, I wasn't even playing. I just walked in and some wise guy jumped up and yelled, I know, it's the Wreck of the Hespers.

[C]

Well, that's a natural mistake. After all, you haven't got a figure like Penny. Penny, where did you get a beautiful figure like that?

[D]

I inherited it. Mother handed it down to me. She did?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Did you get your figure from your mother?

[A]

No, she wasn't through with it yet, so I got my father's. Yes.

[D]

I can believe that, the way you wear clothes, Ms. Davis. Why, that fur coat that I lent you looked terrible on you. Well, no wonder.

[A]

It was made out of groundhog fur.

[D]

Groundhog? Why, Ms. Davis, what makes you say that?

[A]

When I had it on, every time that coat saw its own shadow, it pulled me into a hole.

[D]

And another thing, Ms. Davis, you certainly embarrassed me at the party with that exhibition of spooning in the living room.

[A]

Well, what's wrong with that?

[D]

Emily Post frowns on that sort of thing. She says when it comes to spooning, if one is smart, one doesn't. Does one, Jack?

[F]

No.

[C]

It takes two to do a good job.

[D]

Well, really, Jeff, not only is kissing crude, it's also very unsanitary. When I studied biology, I learned that there are enough germs in one kiss to kill 32 rabbits. There are? Yes. And believe me, that taught me a lesson.

[A]

You said it. Never kiss a rabbit, kiss an animal.

[D]

It can take it.

[A]

Kiss an animal, it can take it. Oh, you heard it before. Okay.

[D]

Well, I must run along now.

[A]

I have to go to the fish market and see what I can get.

[D]

Some Mother. Well, I don't think you'll get over.

[A]

40 cents a pound for.

[D]

Goodbye, Jack.

[C]

Goodbye, Penny. Say, Joanie, we better find out how Eddie's doing with your tax.

[A]

Oh, I'm not worried about it. What if I don't have any money left after I pay it? There are other things in my life more important than money.

[B]

Yeah?

[C]

Name a few.

[A]

Well, there are men and Diamond. I could have sworn there was something else. Ms. Davis.

[D]

Ms. Davis.

[F]

Oh, wait till I tell you what I found in your tax. This'll kill you.

[A]

Oh, you sound kind of happy. Don't tell me we're back to 423 again.

[F]

Well, yes, in a way. You now owe the government $423.

[A]

Well, I knew taxes were going up.

[D]

But not that fast.

[A]

It'll take me about eight years to pay that.

[F]

How many years?

[D]

Eight.

[A]

Eight from the billiard ball of the same name, which you are rapidly putting me behind.

[C]

Joanie, surely you don't mind paying that.

[A]

Well, I'd love to pay it, except for one thing. I haven't got it.

[F]

You haven't got it? Oh, Ms. Davis, you are in trouble. Well, you've only six days to pay it or you'll go to jail. Can't you borrow it someplace?

[C]

Joanie, you have nothing to worry about. I know who lend you that money, Jack.

[D]

Not you.

[C]

That's right, not me. You can borrow it from Blimpy.

[A]

Oh, Blimpy wouldn't lend. Hey, wait a minute. I've got an idea. Blimpy is refurnishing her house and she's crazy about antiques.

[C]

What are you getting at?

[A]

Well, if I can find something in the store to palm off on her as an antique, she'll pay any price for it.

[D]

Do you get it?

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

I see the light now.

[E]

I dream of you More than you dream I do how can I prove.

[D]

To you.

[E]

This love is real for your mean to me more than you mean Believe you just can't seem to.

[D]

See.

[E]

The way I feel When I am close to you the world is far away and the world Words that fill my heart My lips can't seem to say I want you so.

[B]

More.

[E]

Than you'll ever know More than you dream I do I dream of you. When I am close to you.

[B]

The.

[E]

World is far away and the words that fill my heart My lips can't seem to say I want you so More than you'll ever know More than you dream I dream of you. More than you know I dream of you.

[A]

Well, fellas, have you found anything yet that we can palm off on Blimpy as an antique?

[F]

Oh, Ms. Davis, here's something I think we can sell her. It looks like an antique.

[A]

Let's see it, Eddie. Oh, this is not an antique. It's my father's old trench helmet from the last war.

[E]

Oh.

[F]

Oh, is that what it is? Oh, I thought it was a soup bowl with a strap.

[C]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Joanie. He's right. Why can't we sell this helmet to Blimpy as an old copper soup bowl?

[A]

Oh, don't be silly, Jack. She'll never go for that.

[C]

Sure she will. You women are all gullible. Eddie and I will put it over, won't we, Eddie?

[F]

Well, if you say so.

[C]

Sure. We men must stick together.

[F]

That's right. We men must stick together.

[A]

How do you like that? It isn't bad enough there's a manpower shortage. The ones that are left have to be stuck together.

[C]

Look, Joanie, we better use this helmet. We haven't got much time. When you telephone, Blimpy, she said she'd be right over.

[A]

Hey, you're right at that. Look, Eddie, now, you pretend that you're an antique collector who came up here just to to get this soup bowl. And, Jack, you make believe you don't want me to sell it. That'll make her more anxious to buy it.

[C]

Okay, leave it to me.

[A]

But don't forget, as soon as she gets the $423, sell it to her.

[C]

Okay. Look out, here comes Blimpy now.

[F]

Miss Vegas, please. Quick. Look. There's a bullet hole in the side of the helmet. How are you going to explain that?

[A]

Oh, don't worry. I'll think of something.

[D]

Ms. Taylor, I can hardly wait to get over here. Where is that antique you have for sale?

[A]

Well, take it easy, Blimpy. It's right here. Oh, by the way, I want you to meet Mr. Horton Goodyear.

[D]

How much do you want for him?

[F]

Please, madam, please. Please let go my arm. Don't mess with the merchandise unless you're going to buy.

[A]

Well, here's the antique, Blimpy. It's an old colonial soup bowl.

[D]

Oh, let me see it. Ooh, this is very unusual, Ms. Davis. I'll give you $500 for it.

[B]

Oh, no, you don't.

[C]

We want $423 a living.

[D]

Ms. Davis, are you sure this Is a genuine colonial soup bowl.

[A]

Is it a genuine colonial soup. Oh, blissy. I'll have you know George Washington slurped here.

[D]

Well, what is this strap? I never saw a soup bowl with a strap.

[F]

Oh, that. Well, that's in case you eat like a horse. You can strap it over your head like a feedback.

[D]

Oh, now that sounds ridiculous.

[A]

It does? Well, how's this sound? If your soup is too hot, you take it by the strap and swing it over your head until it's cool.

[D]

Well, that sounds reasonable.

[C]

It does?

[D]

Yes, I. I think I. Just a moment. What is this hole in the side of the bowl?

[C]

That's a drain.

[D]

A drain?

[C]

Yeah. That's in case somebody serves soup you don't like. You drain it off into your pocket and they never know the difference.

[D]

Very well, Ms. Davis. My offer stands. I'll give you $500. Here's the money.

[A]

Oh, boy. At last I got my hands on the dough. Now I won't have to worry about going to jail.

[C]

Pardon me. Are you Ms. Davis?

[A]

Yes. What can I do for you?

[C]

I'm from the Smithsonian Institute. We collect historic American relics and we want you.

[D]

Please.

[A]

I'll have you know I am not a relic.

[C]

Let me finish my sentence. We want you to sell us a helmet we believe you have. It was worn by a certain Leroy Davis.

[D]

Leroy Davis?

[A]

Why, that's my father.

[C]

That helmet was the first helmet issued in the last world War. And we're prepared to offer a thousand dollars for it.

[D]

Just a moment. Is this soupful? I just bought what you're looking for.

[F]

That's it, madam.

[C]

Now, if you'll come along with me.

[F]

To the bank, I'll give you a.

[C]

Check for a thousand dollars.

[D]

That's wonderful. Well, goodbye, Ms. Davis, and thanks for the bowl. It looks like you're in the soup.

[B]

Soup?

[F]

Well, Ms. Davis, it looks like you've been snared in your own trap.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's what you think. By selling that helmet to the Smithsonian Institute. The joke is on Blimpy's.

[F]

What do you mean?

[A]

Now she'll never find the $3,000 in Liberty bonds hidden in the lin.

[C]

Joanie, what are you laughing at? Blippi outsmarted you and pulled a fast one.

[D]

Oh, yeah?

[A]

Well, just remember one thing. No wise guy can put anything over on me. No, sir. It takes a dope like Joan Davis to do it.

[D]

Joan Davis. I'll kill that girl.

[A]

Where is she?

[C]

This is the armed forces radio circuit.