So You Think It's New 39-05-11 001 Antique Collectors in Ancient Rome

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: So You Think It's New 39-05-11 001 Antique Collectors in Ancient Rome
Release Date: May 27, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, titled So You Think It's New, host Dr. Wilfred J. Funk delves into the intriguing world of antique collecting by juxtaposing modern-day practices with historical anecdotes from ancient Rome. Through engaging dialogues and insightful narratives, Dr. Funk explores how hobbies and societal behaviors transcend time, revealing surprising similarities between today and the past.

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Segment 1: Antique Collecting in Ancient Rome

Timestamp: 00:35 - 08:19

Dr. Wilfred J. Funk introduces the episode by setting the stage for a journey through history to uncover little-known facts about antique collecting. He emphasizes the enduring nature of this hobby, tracing its roots back to ancient civilizations.

Key Highlights:

• Definition of Antiques: Dr. Funk clarifies that the term "antique" originates from antiquity, particularly ancient Greece and Rome, countering the common modern association with items like colonial furniture or Revolutionary War memorabilia.

• Reenacted Dialogue: The episode features a dramatized interaction between Augustus Bacchus and his wife, Minerva, illustrating the challenges of antique collecting in ancient times.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Wilfred J. Funk (00:45):
  “So you THINK It's New is one of the most fascinating, instructive and entertaining quarter hours on the air.”

• Augustus Bacchus (05:24):
  “Day at the office. For your information, it was one of the worst days I have ever spent.”

• Minerva (07:00):
  “Oh, silly, it's a vase. A two-handled vase. A jar that the ancient Grecians used.”

Dialogue Summary: Augustus and Minerva engage in a conversation about Minerva's latest antique purchase—a purportedly ancient Greek amphora. Augustus expresses his frustration over the high cost and practical use of such collectibles. The situation escalates when the vase is accidentally broken, leading to the revelation that the item is, in fact, a modern replica crafted by a local pottery maker, not an authentic antique. This humorous exchange highlights the timeless tension between passion for collecting and the practicalities of everyday life.

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Segment 2: Historical Insights and Modern Parallels

Timestamp: 08:19 - 11:35

Dr. Funk transitions from the dramatized dialogue to provide historical context, drawing parallels between ancient practices and modern-day scenarios.

Key Highlights:

• Historical Corruption: The episode references a notorious 1868 courthouse construction scandal, illustrating that corruption and financial mismanagement are not modern phenomena. Dr. Funk connects this to the ancient Roman bureaucracy, suggesting a continuity of certain human behaviors across millennia.

• Ancient Rome Case Study: The narrative returns to ancient Sicily, focusing on Governor Caius Verres and his henchman, Brutus Plotius. Their scheming to exploit public donations for personal gain mirrors modern-day fraud and corruption schemes.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Wilfred J. Funk (08:19):
  “So you thought antique collecting was new. Well, the man in today's headlines who wanted to divorce his wife for succumbing to this rather expensive hobby might find some consolation in knowing that this same hobby caused matrimonial difficulties over 1700 years ago.”

• Caius Verres (09:51):
  “Brutus, you are to be present at the dedication of the temple bequeathed to the government by the wealthy Sicilian, Fabius Donatus, in memory of his son, Brutus.”

Narrative Summary: Dr. Funk elaborates on how ancient practices of collecting and governance have enduring parallels. He recounts the story of Governor Verres who manipulates public donations for personal profit—a scenario strikingly similar to modern corruption cases. This segment underscores the timeless nature of certain societal issues, reinforcing the episode's theme that many contemporary behaviors have deep historical roots.

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Segment 3: The Downfall of Corrupt Practices in Rome

Timestamp: 11:35 - 14:56

The focus shifts back to ancient Rome, detailing the decline of Governor Verres' corrupt practices through the emergence of Marcus Julius Cicero, a formidable orator and advocate for justice.

Key Highlights:

• Exposure of Corruption: Verres' manipulation of public funds for temple repairs is exposed, leading to his downfall. This reflects the role of ethical leadership and the importance of integrity in governance.

• Marcus Julius Cicero's Role: Cicero emerges as the hero who confronts and challenges Verres, embodying the fight against corruption and the pursuit of truth—a narrative echoing modern-day whistleblowers and reformers.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Wilfred J. Funk (11:18):
  “The repairmen would take down the old ones, scrape off the paint, give them a new coat and put them up again for all the world liked the boys with the galvanized iron pipes.”

• Caius Verres (11:35):
  “Woman, if ever I even hear the word antique from your lips again, I'll pack my togas and stay at the club for the rest of my life.”

Dialogue Summary: In a dramatized scenario, Governor Verres devises a scheme to declare a well-maintained temple in need of extensive repairs, thereby justifying the hiring of his own contractors. This leads to unnecessary expenses funded by taxpayers, mirroring fraudulent activities. The narrative sets the stage for Cicero's intervention, highlighting the eternal struggle between corruption and justice.

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Conclusion: Timeless Lessons from Antiquity

Timestamp: 14:56 - End

Dr. Funk wraps up the episode by reiterating the timeless nature of certain human behaviors and societal challenges. He emphasizes that understanding historical contexts can provide valuable insights into modern practices.

Key Highlights:

• Enduring Themes: The episode underscores that hobbies like antique collecting and issues like corruption have longstanding histories, offering a perspective that contemporary problems are often not as novel as they may seem.

• Call to Reflect: Listeners are encouraged to reflect on the continuity of human behavior and the lessons that history can teach about current societal issues.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Wilfred J. Funk (14:56):
  “This is Dr. Funk, begging to take leave of you, hoping you have enjoyed my program and that you'll be with me again on my next broadcast. When I'll say again, so you think it's new?”

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Final Thoughts

So You Think It's New masterfully blends dramatized ancient dialogues with insightful historical commentary to explore the enduring nature of hobbies and societal behaviors. Through the lens of antique collecting and governance corruption, Dr. Wilfred J. Funk reveals that many modern-day issues have deep historical roots, offering listeners both entertainment and enlightenment. This episode serves as a reminder that while technologies and societies evolve, certain human tendencies remain constant across the ages.

Transcript

[Ryan]

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[Sam]

See terms and conditions 18 + so.

[Wilfred J. Funk]

You think it's New?

[Brutus Plotius]

Maybe you do at the moment, but wait until Dr. Wilfred J. Funk, famed author, lexicographer and publisher of dictionaries and encyclopedias gets through with you.

[Wilfred J. Funk]

So you THINK It's New is one of the most fascinating, instructive and entertaining quarter hours on the air. Sugar coated information. As old as Nero, as new as tomorrow, backed by facts and presented with the good wishes of your friend the jeweler.

[Sam]

Sam.

[Wilfred J. Funk]

And now for so youo Think It's New. Dr. Wilfred J. Funk, author of this remarkable series of programs, is is a man of many sides. A well known writer of light verse and short stories, a lexicographer, publisher of the famous line of Funk and Wagnel's dictionaries, former editor in chief of the Literary Digest and father of the newest magazine sensation, your life. We mention all this because Dr. Funk has a grand sense of humor. He smiles at facts. But if there be one single skeptic in our audience to doubt the authenticity of any remark given by Dr. Funk, let him beware because he gives facts. But now here he is, Dr. Wilfred J. Funk in so you Think It's New.

[Sam]

How do you do, ladies and gentlemen. We meet to travel down the path of history and ferret out little known facts that, centuries old, coincide with the modern habits, practices, conveniences that we see in this shining civilization of ours day. If the cynic sitting by his radio still wishes to go over the top against these regiments of facts, a barrage of papyrus records and ancient clay tablets can be heaved at his head. Of course, figuratively speaking. And if he still persists in his cynicism, I, Wilfred J. Funk, as Oliver Wendell Holmes said, will be glad on request to blow the crumbs of any given number of facts down each individual windpipe of my critics and doubters. And the line can form on the right I saw an article in this morning's paper that appealed to my sense of Humor tremendously in substance. It stated that a man was seeking a divorce from his wife because every time he came home from work she greeted him with another antique she had purchased that afternoon. His wife was an inveterate collector of anything that seemed to have the mark of age upon it. Now, if you care to look up the word antique in your dictionary, you will discover there that the first meaning given for the word antique is old, belonging to antiquity, especially to ancient Greece and Rome. Now, mark this last, especially to Greece and Rome. How many of you visualize little out of the way shops in New England, Cape Cod, especially furniture of the King Louis of France, muskets of the Revolutionary War? When the word antique is mentioned? Practically all of you, I'll venture to say, and you are correct in thinking so, for today, these are the things associated with antiques. Wherefore, Greece and Rome. Then. Well, come with me aboard a magic carpet and let me take you back to the second century of the Christian era. It is a hot July day. Mr. Augustus Bacchus enters his suburban home on Esquiline Hill, where he and Mrs. Bakkes, along with the rest of the smart set, have moved to escape the dust of the city.

[Augustus Bacchus]

Oh, hello, porters. Where's Mrs. Bacchus?

[Servant]

She's in the library, sir.

[Augustus Bacchus]

Well, here, take my fillet and prepare me a hot bath.

[Servant]

Very good, sir. I trust my master had a good.

[Augustus Bacchus]

Day at the office. For your information, it was one of the worst days I have ever spent.

[Servant]

I. I'm sorry, sir.

[Augustus Bacchus]

So am I. Be quick about that bath.

[Servant]

Right away, sir.

[Minerva]

Augustus. I thought you'd never get here.

[Augustus Bacchus]

How are you, my dear?

[Minerva]

You look tired. Here, lie down on this couch.

[Augustus Bacchus]

Yes, I will stretch out. I think I'll take off these sandals and put on my slippers.

[Minerva]

Here they are, dear.

[Augustus Bacchus]

What did you do today?

[Minerva]

Augustus, you will never believe me when I tell you now.

[Augustus Bacchus]

Minerva, you haven't been shopping again.

[Minerva]

Uh huh. But not for things. For myself.

[Augustus Bacchus]

You got me something?

[Minerva]

No.

[Augustus Bacchus]

Now, don't tell me you've been spending my hard earned money buying gifts for that worthless brother of yours.

[Minerva]

How can you be so cruel? You'll never guess what it is, Minerva.

[Augustus Bacchus]

I'm too tired and uncomfortable to play guessing games.

[Minerva]

Then I will tell you. I bought an amphora.

[Augustus Bacchus]

And what might an amphora be?

[Minerva]

Oh, silly, it's a vase. A2 handled vase. A jar that the ancient Grecians used.

[Augustus Bacchus]

And what use might we have for this? This amphora, may I ask?

[Minerva]

Why, it's an antique. A genuine antique, Augustus. And here it is? Oh, isn't it just too quaint?

[Augustus Bacchus]

Antiques again, eh? And just how much did we pay for this quaint little jar?

[Minerva]

Oh, come now, Augustus. You're being horrid.

[Augustus Bacchus]

How much?

[Minerva]

Where? I got it, I. The bargain. I was driving out through the country this afternoon when I passed this lovely little antique shop. So I said to myself, I'll just stop here.

[Augustus Bacchus]

Look, Minerva, I'm not interested in the history of this piece of pottery. I merely want to know what it costs.

[Minerva]

Only 200 gold pieces.

[Augustus Bacchus]

What?

[Minerva]

But Bacchus. It was made by Phidias, the Greek sculptor. It's from his original collection. It is centuries old.

[Augustus Bacchus]

Silence, woman.

[Minerva]

Yes, bacchus.

[Augustus Bacchus]

You pay 200 gold pieces for this? This Bacchus?

[Minerva]

Look out. You're pushing him off the table.

[Sam]

Oh.

[Minerva]

Now look what you've done. You've broken it in a thousand pieces.

[Augustus Bacchus]

200 gold pieces. Oh, I'm sick. Say, what's this?

[Minerva]

What's what?

[Augustus Bacchus]

There's a label on one of these pieces. Must have been on the inside of the vase. How old did you say this vase was?

[Minerva]

Over 700 years old.

[Augustus Bacchus]

And where did you say it came from?

[Minerva]

Why, from Athens, Greece. From the collection of Phidias, the ancient Greek sculptor.

[Augustus Bacchus]

Well, read this label.

[Servant]

Oh.

[Minerva]

Oh, Augustus.

[Augustus Bacchus]

It's from Ostia, right outside of Rome. And it was manufactured just one year ago by a pottery maker by the name of Julius Ventus, whose vases we've been buying for the past 10 years. Woman, if ever I even hear the word antique from your lips again, I'll pack my togas and stay at the club for the rest of my life.

[Sam]

So you thought antique collecting was new. Well, the man in today's headlines who wanted to divorce his wife for succumbing to this rather expensive hobby might find some consolation in knowing that this same hobby caused matrimonial difficulties over 1700 years ago. Those who have dug a bit into the history of graft will remember the day of a certain political ring. Somewhere around 1868, the most brazen scandal of this regime was the construction of a county courthouse, a courthouse which still stands today in one of our largest cities. The original estimated figure for this building was $250,000. The city finally paid a bill of $13 million, four times the cost of the magnificent Parliament buildings of London. One interesting item was a group of iron chimney pipes on the roof. These were condemned. The conniving contractors removed them, repainted them black and put them up again. Naturally, the bill rendered was for new pipes. And in 1868. The people thought this new, but the building racket is not even as fresh as the 2,500-year-old fables of Aesop. Let us go back through the pages of history to the 1st century BC to the island of Sicily. It is a crisp fall morning as we find ourselves in the sumptuous office of one Caius Verres, Governor of Sicily. Verres is talking to his right hand man and chief henchman, Brutus Plotius.

[Servant]

What's the business on hand today?

[Brutus Plotius]

Brutus, you are to be present at the dedication of the temple bequeathed to the government by the wealthy Sicilian, Fabius Donatus, in memory of his son, Brutus.

[Servant]

That temple, now that it is privately owned, will bring us no revenue.

[Brutus Plotius]

I know, sire.

[Servant]

I wish these high minded citizens would cease bequeathing their temples and estates to the government now. If it were their gold they would bestow I could find use for that.

[Brutus Plotius]

Is there no way you could turn these buildings into revenue?

[Servant]

I wish there were some way, but once property is given to the government, it cannot be sold.

[Brutus Plotius]

It's indeed a shame, sire, to lose the income from private property.

[Servant]

Have you a copy of the will of the late Donatus?

[Brutus Plotius]

It is here, sir.

[Servant]

Let me see it. That I do bequeath my temple and all its land to the government of Rome, in memory of my son. That this building, Brutus. Yes, sir, I think I have it. Listen to this part of the will, that the building may be kept in good repair.

[Brutus Plotius]

Sire, you always had a nice nose for any catching a will. But I don't see anything there.

[Servant]

Oh, you don't, but I do. Brutus, let these citizens turn over all their property if they want to. I found the solution to this problem.

[Brutus Plotius]

But I still don't see.

[Servant]

The buildings must be kept in good repair, eh?

[Brutus Plotius]

Yes, Sire.

[Servant]

Have the temple of Donatus condemned immediately.

[Brutus Plotius]

But it's in perfect condition.

[Servant]

Silence, you fool. It needs repairs. A great many repairs. And I'm giving the job to my own private contractor. Need I say more?

[Sam]

It wasn't necessary for Varys to enlighten his henchmen further. Brutus knew that Varys would let out the repair jobs to his accomplices at a murderous figure and take in a tidy sum for himself. For like the galvanized iron chimney pipes of a certain courthouse of today, the people donated by the wealthy Sicilian in memory of his son would need new pillars. The repairmen would take down the old ones, scrape off the paint, give them a new coat and put them up again for all the world liked the boys with the galvanized iron pipes. The Sicilian taxpayers, of course, put in the bills for the brand new pillars. You probably ask, how did Varys get away with this skullduggery? He didn't for long. No more than wrongdoers in our own days, Verres met his nemesis in Marcus Julius Cicero, a new man from a small town outside Rome. A country boy who made good in the big city and became one of the greatest orators of all times. Now I see my time is up, but your announcer has something to tell you about your good friend, the jeweller. This is Dr. Funk, begging to take leave of you, hoping you have enjoyed my program and that you'll be with me again on my next broadcast. When I'll say again, so you think it's new?

[Brutus Plotius]

This program was produced by Transamerican.

[Sam]

Foreign.

[Ryan]

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[Sam]

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[Augustus Bacchus]

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