Stars over Hollywood 42-04-18 (047) Southern Hospitality

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – Stars over Hollywood Episode 42-04-18 (047) Southern Hospitality

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Introduction

In this episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, titled Stars over Hollywood Episode 42-04-18 (047) Southern Hospitality, listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio. Hosted by Harold's Old Time Radio, the show features a dramatized radio play set in the nostalgic era before television became the dominant medium. This particular episode delves into themes of inheritance, mistaken identity, and Southern charm, all woven together in a compelling storyline starring the charismatic Phil Harris and his sidekick Jerry Dooley.

Episode Overview

Southern Hospitality is a two-act drama that centers around Phil Harris, an ambitious young man who unexpectedly inherits a plantation in Jackson's Grove, North Carolina. Accompanied by his skeptical friend Jerry Dooley, Phil embarks on a journey that leads to a series of comedic and suspenseful events, including encounters with another individual claiming to be the rightful heir. The episode masterfully balances humor, intrigue, and romance, showcasing the talents of Phil Harris and creating a captivating narrative for the audience.

Plot Summary

Act 1: The Inheritance Surprise

The episode opens with Phil Harris receiving a telegram informing him that he has been named the sole heir to the Riverbend Plantation in Jackson's Grove, North Carolina, effective before April 25th. Excited yet doubtful, Phil convinces his friend Jerry Dooley to accompany him on the trip south to claim the inheritance.

Notable Quote:

Phil Harris (00:54): "Well, frankly, Knox, now that I don't have to say so, I still like it."

Upon arriving at the plantation, Phil and Dooley meet Colonel Jackson and his daughter Annabelle, who seem welcoming but somewhat cautious. Phil quickly becomes enamored with Annabelle, igniting a romantic subplot. However, their optimistic venture is soon complicated when another man claiming to be Phil Harris arrives, disputing Phil’s claim to the inheritance.

Notable Quote:

Annabelle (08:02): "You're gonna ruin Riverbend."

Act 2: The Confrontation and Resolution

As tensions rise, Phil and Dooley discover that the second Phil Harris is a con artist named Dusty Walker, who intends to dismantle Riverbend Plantation for profit. Faced with the threat of losing the inheritance and Annabelle’s trust, Phil vows to protect the plantation and clear his name.

The climax unfolds with a confrontation at the plantation, where the two Phil Harrises clash. Phil Harris, with the help of Dooley, manages to expose Walker's deceit. In the end, Phil reaffirms his commitment to Riverbend and Annabelle, ensuring the preservation of the plantation and his place as the rightful heir.

Notable Quote:

Phil Harris (17:36): "I won't let him do it."

Key Characters

• Phil Harris: The protagonist, an eager and optimistic young man thrust into the role of plantation heir.

• Jerry Dooley: Phil’s loyal yet often cynical friend who provides both comic relief and practical support.

• Colonel Jackson: The dignified owner of Riverbend Plantation, who initially welcomes Phil and Annabelle.

• Annabelle: Colonel Jackson’s daughter, who becomes the love interest of Phil Harris.

• Dusty Walker (Second Phil Harris): The antagonist, a deceitful con artist aiming to claim and dismantle Riverbend Plantation.

Notable Quotes

Throughout the episode, several memorable lines stand out, capturing the essence of the characters and advancing the plot:

• Phil Harris (00:49): "Say, Knox, I've been drinking that Dairy Rich for a week now, and it's really fine."

• Jerry Dooley (02:23): "I didn't know you had any rich relatives in North Carolina."

• Annabelle (07:00): "That is, if you're sure that you and Father don't have too much business to talk over."

• Phil Harris (12:05): "Well, let me get a lick in which."

• Colonel Jackson (21:03): "I thought I told you never to set foot on Riverbend Plantation again."

Themes and Insights

Southern Hospitality explores several enduring themes:

• Inheritance and Legacy: The episode highlights the complexities of inheritance and the responsibilities that come with legacy, particularly in the context of Southern plantations.

• Identity and Deception: The mistaken identity trope serves as a central plot device, emphasizing the importance of truth and integrity.

• Romance and Trust: Phil’s budding romance with Annabelle underscores themes of trust and the impact of personal relationships on one’s decisions.

• Cultural Clash: The interaction between Phil Harris, a presumably Northerner, and the Southern characters reflects the cultural tensions and stereotypes of the era.

Conclusion

This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio skillfully weaves a tale that is both entertaining and thought-provoking. With engaging dialogue, well-developed characters, and a plot that keeps listeners hooked from start to finish, Southern Hospitality exemplifies the charm and allure of old-time radio dramas. Through Phil Harris’s adventures, the episode offers a nostalgic glimpse into Southern traditions and the timeless battle between good and deceit.

For those who enjoy classic radio storytelling, rich with humor, romance, and suspense, this episode is a delightful listen that honors the legacy of the Golden Age of Radio.

Transcript

[Phil Harris]

In just a moment, we switch controls to Hollywood, where Dairy Rich Chocolate Flavored Drink presents Stars Over Hollywood today. Featuring one of the nation's favorite actors, singers and band leaders, the one and only Phil Harris. There's the signal. Take it away, Hollywood.

[Knox]

Welcome to Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen, where every week Dairy Rich Chocolate Flavored Drink presents Stars Over Hollywood headlining your favorite stars of screen and radio. Every week new personalities, every week a new story. And every week the same delicious chocolate flavored drink. Dairy Rich. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the star of our Dairy Rich theater, one of Hollywood's grandest people, Phil Harris.

[Phil Harris]

Hiya, folks. Say, Knox, I've been drinking that Dairy Rich for a week now, and it's really fine.

[Knox]

But, Phil, that's not in your contract. You don't have to go into raves about the product.

[Phil Harris]

Well, I'll be dog gone. Where I come from, you have to say it in six delicious voices.

[Knox]

I think I know what you mean, Phil. But since you have been drinking Dairy Rich. How do you like it?

[Phil Harris]

Well, frankly, Knox, now that I don't have to say so, I still like it.

[Knox]

Everybody does, Phil. And be sure that you. Stars Over Hollywood present Southern hospitality an original drama. Starring Phil is an ambitious young man whose name happens to be Phil Harris. Our scene, a small apartment. The time around noon. Phil is just getting up.

[Jerry Dooley]

Come in.

[Knox]

Telegram for Mr. Phil Harris.

[Phil Harris]

Phil, I hear you talking. Where's the wire?

[Knox]

Sign here, Mr. Harris.

[Phil Harris]

Thanks, son. Here. Hmm. I wonder who could be sending me a telegram.

[Jerry Dooley]

Why don't you open it and find out?

[Phil Harris]

Gee, kid, you think of everything. Wow.

[Jerry Dooley]

What gives?

[Phil Harris]

Hey, Dooley, wrap an ear around this. Mr. Phil Harris, 311 Jefferson Avenue. You have been named sole heir to the Riverbend Plantation, Jackson's Grove, North Carolina. It is imperative that you claim this inheritance before April 25, that the title automatically passes to other legatees. Sign. Jones, Brown and Smith, attorneys at La Dooley. We're in business.

[Jerry Dooley]

I didn't know you had any rich relatives in North Carolina.

[Phil Harris]

Neither did I. But this is no time to snub the family. Imagine me being the sole heir to Riverbend Plantation.

[Jerry Dooley]

I don't think you are. You know, this wouldn't be the first time you got a message that was intended for that other Phil Harris who used to live here.

[Phil Harris]

I got that telegram, didn't I? Yeah. We need to know, don't we?

[Jerry Dooley]

Yeah.

[Phil Harris]

Then it ain't for any other Phil Harris brother. Mm. You hope. Well, you better start hoping, too, Dooley. We're leaving. For North Carolina, as of now.

[Knox]

From Natchez to Mobile. From Memphis, the birds are flying north. But from Kokomo, Indiana, to Jackson's Grove, North Carolina, A couple of birds named Dooley and Harris are flying south, Wearing out the tires on their ancient car.

[Phil Harris]

Nothing could be finer Than to be in Carolina in the morning Nothing could be sweeter Than my sweetie When I meet her in the morning Stop that ballin'will, ya? Huh?

[Jerry Dooley]

Hey, are you positive this is the place? It looks awful big.

[Phil Harris]

Here's the telegram. Riverbend Plantation, Jackson's Grove, North Carolina, it says. This must be it, all right.

[Jerry Dooley]

This is it. Now what do we do?

[Phil Harris]

Walk in and claim the joint?

[Jerry Dooley]

And just how do you figure you're gonna prove you're the sole heir?

[Phil Harris]

Don't worry. I'll think of something.

[Jerry Dooley]

The last time you thought of something, I spent three days and 68 bucks in the hospital.

[Phil Harris]

Well, how did I know her husband was coming home? I didn't even know she was married. What are you stopping for? Drive in.

[Jerry Dooley]

Look, Phil, we may be letting ourselves in for an awful headache.

[Phil Harris]

What's the matter with you? We got that telegram, haven't we?

[Jerry Dooley]

And I still think it was meant for the. Your people didn't come from North Carolina.

[Phil Harris]

Listen, I'll get enough criticism from outsiders without you turning on me. Drive this heap up to the door.

[Jerry Dooley]

All right.

[Phil Harris]

Ah, quit worrying, Dooley. Look at those stately trees. Probably planted by my grandfather.

[Jerry Dooley]

Yeah, but get a load of that house. It looks a little run down.

[Phil Harris]

Yeah, it does at that. Well, I'll have the servants look after it the first thing in the morning.

[Jerry Dooley]

When the servants see the new master, they're gonna be glad Lincoln freed the slaves. Phil, there's something fishy about this. I'm getting cold feet.

[Phil Harris]

Wet blanket. Dually, they call. Stop right here. Whoa. Come on. Come on. Shut the mill off so the natives will come out of the brush.

[Jerry Dooley]

Well, where's the welcoming committee?

[Phil Harris]

Quiet. The front door's open.

[Jerry Dooley]

Who's that coming out, your grandfather?

[Phil Harris]

That's the butler, stupid.

[Jerry Dooley]

He looks like. Step and fetch it to me. Start talking, brother. You take the first eight bars. I'll come in on a chorus.

[Horace]

Well, and gentlemen, what can I do for you all?

[Phil Harris]

Well, I came here in answer to a telegram. My name is Phil Harris.

[Horace]

Harris, did you say? Are you really young, Mr. Harris? Say, we've been expecting you.

[Phil Harris]

Yes, sir.

[Horace]

Come right this way.

[Phil Harris]

Hey, see, Dooley, we're in.

[Jerry Dooley]

Oh, looks like it at that. Lean on Mr. Harris. I'm right behind you.

[Phil Harris]

And, man, look at that library. Look at that easy chair with those wide arms to balance a milk julep on. Dooley, I think I'm gonna like this South.

[Jerry Dooley]

Wait till you meet the folks before you settle down for the rest of your life. They may not be sure as you are that you're the right Phil Harris.

[Phil Harris]

Well, I'm not so sure myself. But it's working all right so far.

[Jerry Dooley]

Jiggers, here comes old. Fetch it with the chief and his beautiful daughter.

[Phil Harris]

Oh, brother, it's true what they say about Dixie.

[Colonel Jackson]

Well, well, Horace tells me that you're young Mr. Harris, I'm Colonel Jackson.

[Phil Harris]

Hiya, Jackson.

[Colonel Jackson]

And this is my daughter, Annabelle.

[Phil Harris]

Mr. Harris.

[Annabelle]

How do you do, Mr. Harris?

[Phil Harris]

I'm just beginning to do all right. Oh, by the way, this is my partner, Jerry Dooley.

[Knox]

Hi.

[Phil Harris]

I do, sir.

[Colonel Jackson]

I presume you received the telegram from my lawyer, sir.

[Phil Harris]

Well, here it is, Colonel. It was really a surprise.

[Jerry Dooley]

He can say that again.

[Phil Harris]

I didn't know Grandpa had passed on.

[Colonel Jackson]

Grandpa? I regret I didn't have the pleasure of knowing your grandfather, sir.

[Phil Harris]

Oh, well, how come Grandma lived here all along?

[Colonel Jackson]

She didn't, huh? This plantation belonged to your uncle Ned Harris, your father's twin brother.

[Phil Harris]

Oh, yeah. Dear old Uncle Ned.

[Colonel Jackson]

Your Uncle Ned and I were very close.

[Phil Harris]

So's my uncle Jack Benny.

[Knox]

I see.

[Colonel Jackson]

Your Uncle Ned was very anxious to have you take over the plantation and carry on the tradition of Riverbend.

[Phil Harris]

Well, I'll sure try, Colonel. But let's not worry about the family on a day like this. I'll go down and see the lawyers in the morning, Colonel, and get everything straightened out.

[Annabelle]

That's fine. In the meantime, Mr. Harris, I could show you river band.

[Phil Harris]

Yes, sister.

[Annabelle]

That is, if you're sure that you and Father don't have too much business to talk over.

[Phil Harris]

Well, Dooley can take care of that right now. I want to sniff those magnolia blossoms with you.

[Annabelle]

Why, Mr. Harris, you're an awful flirt.

[Jerry Dooley]

Lady, you just don't know.

[Phil Harris]

Quiet, small stuffer. I'll throw a boll weevil on you. Come on, honey. Let you and me go, Magnolia.

[Jerry Dooley]

Well, what do I do?

[Phil Harris]

Oh, you wouldn't do it anyway. Come on, Annabelle.

[Annabelle]

And down there are the camellias.

[Phil Harris]

Camellias? You mean those flowers?

[Annabelle]

I can see that you're not familiar with the South, Mr. Harris.

[Phil Harris]

No, but I'm gonna be. And drop that Mr. Harris. Just call me Phil.

[Annabelle]

Yeah, Phil.

[Phil Harris]

You know, we're gonna see a lot of each other in the next 10 or 20 years.

[Annabelle]

But I won't be here. According to the will, River Bend belongs to you. I was only to take possession if you didn't arrive before April 25th.

[Phil Harris]

You mean you would have inherited River Bend if I hadn't shown up?

[Annabelle]

Yeah.

[Phil Harris]

Yeah, and now that I'm here, you're going to be run out of your happy home. Oh, no. In that case, I'm going to get right out of here.

[Annabelle]

Oh, no, Phil, I don't mind, really. Place is much too big for Father and me. We have another place, you know, besides, Riverbend needs someone like you. A young man with ideas.

[Phil Harris]

Yeah. Ever since I saw you, I been getting ideas.

[Annabelle]

What?

[Phil Harris]

Well, about the place, I mean. But they don't make sense if you're not gonna be around.

[Annabelle]

Maybe I will be around.

[Phil Harris]

Well, then we'll have that joint jumping in no time. We'll raise nothing but racehorses, mint juleps and frying chickens and a big patch of corn to remind me of my days in radio.

[Annabelle]

Now, mustard greens or black eyed peas?

[Knox]

Plenty.

[Phil Harris]

We'll have one mammy who will do nothing but be the vice president and charge of corn pone and candied yams. Pardon me while I think that over.

[Annabelle]

You're hungry, lady.

[Phil Harris]

Understatement just hit a new low. Starved is the word. Starved. You know, we didn't waste much time eating on the way down.

[Annabelle]

Well, we'll soon fix that. You're coming back to the house with me right now.

[Phil Harris]

Honey, I could kiss you for that. And I think I will.

[Annabelle]

Why, Theo, that wasn't right.

[Phil Harris]

I didn't think so either. But, gosh, kid, I'm out of practice. Here, let's try it again.

[Colonel Jackson]

This is just like the old days, Mr. Harris. Mr. Dooley playing the piano. You and Annabelle sitting there sure makes an old man Happy, Mr. Harris. Are you comfortable, Mr. Harris?

[Phil Harris]

Sure. I like it more every day. Colonel, this is a life. Hey, Dooley.

[Jerry Dooley]

Oh, this is it. We're really operating now.

[Phil Harris]

What about you, Annabelle?

[Annabelle]

I declare, I didn't think I could ever be this happy with just one man.

[Phil Harris]

You hear that, Dooley?

[Jerry Dooley]

I heard it.

[Colonel Jackson]

Do you know my $nelly gray, Mr. Dooley?

[Jerry Dooley]

No, but any friend of yours is a friend of mine. Trot her in.

[Colonel Jackson]

Well, I'm afraid I don't understand.

[Phil Harris]

Neither does Dooley, Colonel. The Colonel was talking about an old song, you dope.

[Jerry Dooley]

I never heard of it. This is the oldest thing I know.

[Colonel Jackson]

I'm afraid that was after my time, mister.

[Phil Harris]

Pardon me for bringing up business, Colonel, but I better get into town to see those lawyers. When we get this inheritance straightened out, then I can start fixing up the plantation.

[Colonel Jackson]

Well, there's one thing about South, Mr. Harris. We've learned to never hurry.

[Phil Harris]

Well, just the same, I'll drive you.

[Annabelle]

Into town in the morning, Phil.

[Phil Harris]

Swell. I got a lot of things I want to talk over with you.

[Annabelle]

Such as?

[Phil Harris]

Well, that cook of yours sure throws together a solid Southern dinner. Oh, of course, everybody's been mighty friendly. Especially you.

[Annabelle]

Is that all you have to say?

[Phil Harris]

Well, I'll. Oh, shucks, honey, I can't tell you. I'll have to sing it to you. Hey, Dooley. Yeah? Let's have that. That's what I like about the song. Won't you come with me to Alabami? Let's go sing my dear old mammy. She's frying eggs and broiling hammy. That's what I like about the. Out there you can make no mistakey where those nerves are Never shaky. Ought to taste that layer cakey. That's what I like about the South. She's got baked ribs and candied yams. Those sugar cured Virginia hams. Basement full of those berry jams. And that's what I like about sour hot cornbread. With black eyed peas. You can eat as much as you please. Cause it's never out of season. That's what I call sal. Don't take one half, two. They're dark brown and chocolate too. Suits me. They must suit you. Cause it's my what I like about South.

[Jerry Dooley]

Well, let me get a lick in which.

[Phil Harris]

Sure. Always a hammer, Dooley. Go ahead. Beat it out, Jack. It's the way, way down where the cane grows tall. Down where they say you all walk on in with that southern brawl. Cause that's what I like about the South. It's down where they have those pretty queens to keep it dreaming. Those dreamy dreams Will let sip that absinthe to New Orleans. That's what I like about the South. Oh, we're hot. We're. She's got backbones and butter beans. Ham hocks and turnip greens. You and me in New Orleans. And that's what I like about Sal. All right, all right, Dooley, don't be a ham. I just wanted to give Annabelle an idea.

[Annabelle]

Theo, that was brilliant. You can really sing.

[Phil Harris]

Well, put it in writing, honey. There's a guy in Hollywood who doesn't believe it.

[Jerry Dooley]

There's a guy closer than Hollywood.

[Colonel Jackson]

Well, I thought it was mighty fine. Mr. Harris. Who's that?

[Annabelle]

The front door.

[Colonel Jackson]

Mighty late at night for us to be having calls.

[Phil Harris]

Hey, what's going on out there? Somebody's trying to force his way in here.

[Annabelle]

Whoever he is, he's no gentleman.

[Colonel Jackson]

Pardon me, Mr. Harris. I'll take care of this.

[Phil Harris]

No, sir. I might as well start running things now. Nobody's gonna come busting into my house this way. Come on, Dooley. Let's throw this guy out right now.

[Colonel Jackson]

Just a minute, gentlemen. I can hear the butler coming this way.

[Horace]

Excuse me, Colonel Jackson, but I sure craves words. With you, I'll own.

[Colonel Jackson]

What do you mean, Horace? Anything you have to say to me, you can say in front of Mr. Harris.

[Horace]

Begging your pardon, sir, but I douse the judiciosity of that last remark.

[Phil Harris]

Go ahead, Horace. What's cooking?

[Horace]

Stew? I think you win it.

[Phil Harris]

Uh. Oh, here comes Dooley.

[Annabelle]

Tell us what you're talking about, Horace.

[Horace]

Well, all right, since you all insisting. That gentleman at the door.

[Phil Harris]

Yeah?

[Horace]

Well, sir, he say his name is Mr. Phil Harris, too.

[Jerry Dooley]

That's good enough for me. Come on, Phil.

[Phil Harris]

I'm going.

[Jerry Dooley]

I'll be seeing your Aunt Kokomo.

[Colonel Jackson]

What's the meaning of this, Mr. Harris?

[Phil Harris]

Well, I don't know.

[Annabelle]

Mr. Dooley seemed to know he wouldn't have run away.

[Phil Harris]

Well, I think it's all a mistake.

[Colonel Jackson]

Hey, bring the other man, Horace. We'll soon find out who made the mistake.

[Horace]

Well, if you pardon me for saying so, Colonel, I think it's this gentleman done made the mistake.

[Knox]

Are you sure?

[Horace]

Well, I ain't positive. But this new man, he say he got a letter from your lawyer proving he's the real Mr. Phil Harold.

[Annabelle]

And what do you say to that, Mr. Harris?

[Phil Harris]

Pardon my Southern exposure. Hey, Dooley, Wait for Filthy.

[Knox]

The curtain falls on Act 1 of Southern Hospitality, starring Phil Harris. Phil will be back in just a moment in act two of our Stars of a Hollywood production.

[Jerry Dooley]

Stars Over Hollywood.

[Knox]

Presents Act 2 of Southern Hospitality, featuring Phil Harris. Fate has played a mean trick on Phil and his pal Dooley. Just when things look rosy at Riverbend, another Phil Harris turned up to claim the inheritance one day before the deadline. Now Phil and Dooley, both somewhat disheartened by the unexpected turn of events, walk out of the lawyer's office in the little town of Jackson's Grove.

[Phil Harris]

Well, Dooley, that sure fixes us up fine. That other guy proves he's the real heir to Riverbend. The lawyers get tough, hands soar at me. And then, after everything else happened out here, the colonel remembers how fast you were in some of those poker games you played with him. That didn't Help us any?

[Jerry Dooley]

Well, you know how it is with me, Phil. Every time I get around cards, some of them get up my sleeves.

[Phil Harris]

Well, you just got me in wrong with the finest little girl in the world, that's all. All because you can't forget you used to be a confidence man.

[Jerry Dooley]

Yeah. I suppose trying to steal a plantation from the rightful heir makes you look like an angel.

[Phil Harris]

That was an honest mistake. But I hate to see a snake like that other Harris moving in on Anne and the colonel.

[Jerry Dooley]

Hey, you really were sold on a gal, weren't you?

[Phil Harris]

Yeah, you can say that again. I was, Dooley, but guess it's all over now. She won't even speak to me.

[Jerry Dooley]

Ah, gals are like that. But don't tell me you're gonna give up without fighting.

[Phil Harris]

What am I gonna do?

[Jerry Dooley]

Well, I only been in the South a couple of days, but I found out a lot about old Southern traditions.

[Phil Harris]

What do you mean?

[Jerry Dooley]

Well, in the south, when a fella's in love with a girl, he don't give her up just like that.

[Phil Harris]

Yeah?

[Jerry Dooley]

Yeah. And if you want to be a real Southern gentleman, here's your chance. Right now. Ann's coming down the street.

[Phil Harris]

Doggone it, you're right, Dooley. Go find yourself a poker game. Uncle Phil's gonna play this hand alone. Ann. Oh, Ann, wait a minute.

[Annabelle]

Don't speak to me, Mr. Harris, if that's really your name.

[Phil Harris]

Oh, Anne, give me a, will you? Honey, you didn't even give me a chance to explain.

[Annabelle]

I've heard enough explanations from you and that other Yankee.

[Phil Harris]

But I'm no Yankee, honey. I was born in the South.

[Annabelle]

Where?

[Phil Harris]

South Dakota. Why, my family don't even like union suits.

[Annabelle]

Even your jokes are bad. You're no good. You and your big talk about all the great things you were gonna do at River Band. And that other Yankee is just as bad.

[Phil Harris]

What other? Yankee Dooley?

[Annabelle]

No, the other. The real Phil Heron.

[Phil Harris]

Oh, just a second. Look, if he's a Yankee, how can he be the real heir? The river bend?

[Annabelle]

I don't know, but he proved it to the lawyers. Now he's gonna ruin Riverbend.

[Phil Harris]

But if he's a Yankee. What do you mean? What's he gonna do with this place?

[Annabelle]

He's gonna break it up into Acre tobacco farms and sell it to a lot of people up north who'll never see the place.

[Phil Harris]

You mean that? Why, he can't do that. The Riverbend. The place is over 300 years old. It's a tradition. That's what it is. I won't let him do it.

[Annabelle]

I'd like to see you stop him. You better get out of this town before the police start looking for you.

[Phil Harris]

And I'm not gonna get out of this town. I'm gonna start looking for some way to save Riverbend and to prove to you that I'm not a crook.

[Annabelle]

Oh, Phil, I wish I could believe you. But not after what's happened already.

[Phil Harris]

Well, let me come out to the place and talk to that two bit subdivider.

[Annabelle]

You better not, Phil. Father's so mad at you that he'd had you run off the plantation. He's convinced that you tried to swindle us.

[Phil Harris]

What do you think?

[Annabelle]

What do you expect me to think? I'll have to have some proof that you're on a square before I can believe in you again.

[Phil Harris]

Well, if it's proof you want, honey, you'll get it. Just let Uncle Phil have a little time to figure this out and I'll prove to you that I'm no crook.

[Annabelle]

I wish you could, Phil.

[Phil Harris]

Yes, so do I. What am I gonna do, Dooley? I can't let that sharpshooter cut Riverbend up into one acre tobacco farms and break Anne's heart.

[Jerry Dooley]

I don't know, but there's something about that one acre farm business sounds awful familiar to me.

[Phil Harris]

What are you driving at?

[Jerry Dooley]

Well, I never said much about this to anyone, but I was hooked up in a racket out in California once with a guy that had an idea like that. Except that it was grapefruit farms we were selling. One acre grapefruit farms.

[Phil Harris]

You're getting warm, Dooley. Keep talking.

[Jerry Dooley]

All the suckers had to do was buy the acres with the grapefruit trees and then sit home and get rich. Looked like a swell idea, even to me.

[Phil Harris]

Okay. And then what happened?

[Jerry Dooley]

The guy I was in business with ducked out. Dusty Walker was his name. Took all the dough with him. And the cops have been on his trail ever since. Boy, it cost me plenty getting out of that deal.

[Phil Harris]

Hey, Dooley, I'm just wondering if maybe this guy, this, this other Phil Harris had. Maybe he's got the same idea.

[Jerry Dooley]

Hey, maybe I should have talked to him that night. I think I can still recognize the buildup when I hear it.

[Phil Harris]

Too bad you didn't stick around. Why? When that guy came in, you went out the back door like the last course of Tiger Rag.

[Jerry Dooley]

I was just clearing the way for you, but you didn't move fast enough.

[Phil Harris]

Ah, forget it. Gotta figure out some way to get rid of that tobacco auctioneer. And there's only one place to start.

[Jerry Dooley]

Where's that?

[Phil Harris]

Out at the plantation.

[Jerry Dooley]

That's all, brother.

[Phil Harris]

What do you mean?

[Jerry Dooley]

You think I'm gonna go out there and get my ears shot off? Oh, no. If there's one thing my mother did not raise, it's suicide.

[Phil Harris]

Well, I'm going. I'm not gonna let that guy swindle Annabelle and the colonel. See you later.

[Jerry Dooley]

Listen, if you're gonna be stubborn about it, I'll go along. I got a kind of a soft spot in my head for the colonel, anyway.

[Phil Harris]

Hey, there's a house up there. What do you say stopping way back here for?

[Jerry Dooley]

Cause we gotta make a tactical approach. What if the colonel should be out with that shooting iron of his?

[Phil Harris]

I see what you mean, Dooley. Come on, let's get walking.

[Knox]

Yeah, you perks.

[Phil Harris]

Yeah, you coward.

[Jerry Dooley]

I'm not either a coward. I just don't want to ride that train back north in a long wooden box. I like to look out of the windows.

[Phil Harris]

Okay, fraidy cat, stay behind me, all right?

[Jerry Dooley]

Hey, you're gonna go right up to the front door.

[Phil Harris]

Of course, stupid. You think we're gonna climb down the chimney?

[Jerry Dooley]

With you leading this expedition, anything can happen.

[Phil Harris]

All right, Dooley. Quiet. Here we are.

[Jerry Dooley]

Well, go ahead. Beat on the door and hope that Horace opens it instead of the colonel.

[Phil Harris]

Okay, Here we go. Dooley.

[Jerry Dooley]

Hold your hat. Someone's coming.

[Phil Harris]

Don't worry, Dooley. Haven't you heard of Southern hospitality? Well, hiya, Jackson. Harris, you swindler.

[Colonel Jackson]

I thought I told you never to set foot on Riverbend Plantation again.

[Phil Harris]

Well, I'm sorry, Colonel, but I got to see this other fella who claims he's Phil Harris.

[Colonel Jackson]

Claims he is?

[Phil Harris]

He has proof of it. Yeah, Well, I want to look at those papers of his. Pardon my Northern rudeness, Colonel, but we're coming in. Dooley, help me do the honor.

[Jerry Dooley]

Happy, too.

[Colonel Jackson]

Now, wait a minute. You can't do this to me.

[Horace]

This is an outrage.

[Phil Harris]

That closet looks about right, Dooley. All right, just step right inside, Colonel, old boy. That's a good boy, Colonel.

[Jerry Dooley]

Don't shut the door on his finger.

[Phil Harris]

Oh, I wouldn't think of it. There you are, Colonel. Prop that chair up against him.

[Jerry Dooley]

Okay.

[Phil Harris]

We'll be right back in a few minutes, Colonel. Come on, Dooley. Let's find this rope.

[Jerry Dooley]

Give me a minute. I hear voices in the library.

[Phil Harris]

Yeah. Hey. Hey, Dooley. That's that phony Phil Harris in there talking to Annabelle now.

[Jerry Dooley]

How you doing, baby?

[Annabelle]

You won't have to worry about us anymore, Mr. Harris. Father and I are leaving. We have a Bingham just as soon as we can get our things done.

[Horace]

Now, don't rush off, baby.

[Phil Harris]

I kind of like having you around.

[Annabelle]

But I don't like being here. You've got the place, and I suppose you can do whatever you want to with it. But I don't have to stay and see the plantation.

[Phil Harris]

Come on, Dooley. I can see now why I didn't like this guy right from the start. Hello there. Ann. Is this thing here bothering you?

[Annabelle]

I'm so glad you're here.

[Phil Harris]

Don't worry, honey. I couldn't stay away from you. I thought I'd gotten rid of you. Harris.

[Jerry Dooley]

Well, what do you know? After all these years.

[Phil Harris]

What are you doing here, Dooley? You know this guy, Dooley?

[Jerry Dooley]

No, I'm. This guy's the one who took me to the cleaners in the grapefruit rack.

[Phil Harris]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[Jerry Dooley]

Oh, yes, you do, Walker. But I never thought you'd try the same kind of racket again after the mess you got into.

[Phil Harris]

So you're gonna sell one acre tobacco farms to the suckers instead of grapefruit ranches? You can't prove a thing. I haven't sold anything yet. I think we can prove that you did a little forging on those papers. That proves you're the real Phil Harris. And I think the police would be glad to know where you went after you gave up selling grapefruit farm. You bring that ramp up, your friend Dooley will get pulled in, too.

[Jerry Dooley]

Guess again, Walker. I was the guy that paid off the suckers you trimmed in that deal.

[Phil Harris]

You better start worrying about what you're gonna do with your leisure time after they put you away.

[Jerry Dooley]

Pop. Hey, you better phone for the sheriff, Phil. And I want the job of guarding the prisoner till the cops get here.

[Annabelle]

What for, Dooley?

[Jerry Dooley]

I'm gonna get a little fun back for the 5,000 bucks this guy cost me.

[Phil Harris]

So you see, honey, I don't know whether I'm the real Phil Harris or not, but it doesn't make any difference because the deadline has passed and now the place belongs to you.

[Annabelle]

Well, I don't know what I'll do with it. I really need a man with ideas to help me run the place.

[Phil Harris]

Well, I've got one idea that I want to get off my mind right now before anything else happens.

[Annabelle]

What? That?

[Phil Harris]

Well, it's a very simple idea. It's about a boy and a girl and A wedding?

[Annabelle]

What boy? What girl?

[Phil Harris]

This boy and this girl. How's the. Violet?

[Annabelle]

You do have a lot of good ideas.

[Phil Harris]

Oh, honey.

[Jerry Dooley]

Well, that guy's gonna lay still at least until the ship. Oh, pardon me.

[Annabelle]

It's all right, Dooley.

[Phil Harris]

Yeah, I guess a guy has a right to kiss the bride to be.

[Jerry Dooley]

Well, that's gonna make the colonel very happy. But congratulations.

[Annabelle]

Say, I wonder where Father is. He missed all the excitement.

[Phil Harris]

Holy smokes.

[Jerry Dooley]

Yeah, we forgot all about the colonel. Let's get him on.

[Phil Harris]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Ann. Ann, get Horace quick and have him stir up four mint juleps just the way the colonel likes them.

[Annabelle]

Well, what in the world do you want with four mint juleps?

[Phil Harris]

We're gonna need them after the war, honey.

[Annabelle]

War? What war?

[Phil Harris]

The Civil War. When we take the colonel out of that hall closet, it's gonna be the north and the South.

[Knox]

Down comes the final curtain on our stars of a Hollywood production, Southern Hospitality, featuring the one and only Phil Harris as the star. Phil has a few more words for you before he leaves, so stay with us for just a moment while I talk to the boys and girls. Well, it's time to say thanks, Phil Harris, for a swell performance.

[Phil Harris]

We started rehearsing awfully early this morning, Knox, but it was worth it.

[Knox]

It sure was, Phil. By the way, you won't get too much sleep tonight either. We'll all try to come down to the Biltmore bowl and dance to that swell band of yours.

[Phil Harris]

Okay. The boys will expect you then. They're all listening in this morning. They better be.

[Knox]

Well, tell them to be sure and listen next week too.

[Jerry Dooley]

Phil.

[Knox]

We're presenting one of the greatest stars in the entire Stars Over Hollywood series.

[Phil Harris]

Sounds pretty big. Who is it?

[Knox]

It's Basil Rathbone, Phil. Appearing in a great play titled I Play Hampton Yipe.

[Phil Harris]

From Harrison Southern Hospitality to Rathbone and Hamlet. Man, you guys really get around. But it sounds great.

[Knox]

I'm glad you like the idea, Phil. And I'm glad you could be here this morning to provide a different kind of high spot in our series. Thanks for coming. All persons and places in today's play were entirely fictitious. And any resemblance to real persons or places was entirely coincidental. Next week, new personalities and the new original radio plays. So remember, Stars Over Hollywood next Saturday, same time, same station.