Sweeney And March 46-09-14 xxx Bob's House Is On Fire

Summary

Summary of "Sweeney And March 46-09-14 xxx Bob's House Is On Fire"

Podcast Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Hal March and Bob Sweeney
Episode: Sweeney And March 46-09-14 xxx Bob's House Is On Fire
Release Date: March 8, 2025

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"Sweeney And March 46-09-14 xxx Bob's House Is On Fire" is a delightful episode from Harold's Old Time Radio, transporting listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio. Hosted by the charming duo Hal March and Bob Sweeney, the episode features a blend of comedic sketches and musical performances that capture the nostalgic essence of family radio entertainment before the advent of television.

Sketch 1: Reporting a Fire

The episode opens with Bob Sweeney attempting to report a fire, only to find Captain March of the fire department more interested in his personal affairs than responding to the emergency. This sketch satirizes bureaucratic inefficiency and the often frustrating experience of dealing with public services.

Notable Quotes:

• Bob Sweeney [06:13]: "Oh, you don't mean how."
• Hal March [06:42]: "What could you do in the movies?"
• Bob Sweeney [07:35]: "Are you gonna come and put out my fire or not?"

Throughout the interaction, Bob's increasing frustration contrasts with Captain March's nonchalant attitude, highlighting the comedic tension between a concerned citizen and a complacent authority figure.

Musical Interlude: The Starlighters Perform "On the Boardwalk in Atlantic City"

Following the initial sketch, The Starlighters grace the episode with their harmonious rendition of "On the Boardwalk in Atlantic City." Accompanied by Wilbur Hatch and his orchestra, the performance provides a soothing and melodic break, embodying the romantic and carefree spirit of Atlantic City's famous boardwalk.

Notable Lyrics:

"We will walk in a dream on the boardwalk in Atlantic City
Life will be peaches and cream
There where the saltwater air brings out a lady's charm"

The Starlighters' smooth vocals and the orchestral arrangement create an inviting atmosphere, transporting listeners to a serene seaside locale.

Sketch 2: The Talking Weighing Machine

In the second sketch, Hal March introduces a whimsical concept—a public weighing machine that not only measures weight but also provides fortune-telling services. Bob Sweeney portrays the miniature man inside the scale responsible for generating fortunes, leading to humorous exchanges about accuracy and personal appearance.

Notable Quotes:

• Hal March [13:08]: "Inside of every weighing machine is a little man, and all he does all day long is guess weights and write out fortunes."
• Bob Sweeney [15:45]:

  "I, Robert Sweeney, promise that I will not add a pound here or take away a pound there, and I will not allow myself to go any larger than three inches."

• Hal March [16:00]: "Sweeney, you've changed. And I don't like what I see."

The interaction delves into themes of self-image and the pressures of maintaining a façade, all delivered with comedic flair.

Musical Interlude: The Starlighters Perform "Underneath the Willow Tree"

The Starlighters return with their heartfelt performance of "Underneath the Willow Tree," a song that adds emotional depth to the episode. The gentle melody and poignant lyrics evoke memories of love and longing, providing a contrast to the earlier comedic segments.

Notable Lyrics:

"Underneath the willow tree we sat alone, Marie and me
There she said she'd marry me under the willow tree
Cinderella, you will find your fella
Someone that you've waited for in romantic, enchanted Atlantic City"

This performance underscores the enduring appeal of classic love songs in radio entertainment.

Sketch 3: The Taxicab Driver

The third sketch takes a humorous look at public transportation through the antics of a frazzled taxicab driver, played by Hal March. Bob Sweeney's character is in a desperate rush to catch a train, leading to a series of comedic mishaps as the driver struggles with directions and time constraints.

Notable Quotes:

• Bob Sweeney [22:32]: "I was whistling at that star."
• Hal March [24:35]: "Certainly I'm certain. I know this town like the back of my hand."
• Bob Sweeney [25:08]: "I'm in agony. My insides are killing me."

The dynamic between the impatient passenger and the overwhelmed driver highlights the humor in everyday frustrations, resonating with listeners familiar with similar experiences.

Listener Interaction: Reading a Telegram

Towards the end of the episode, Hal March and Bob Sweeney engage with their audience by reading a telegram from a listener, Mrs. Kennedy. This segment reinforces the intimate connection between the hosts and their audience, a hallmark of old-time radio shows.

Notable Quote:

• Bob Sweeney [29:47]: "Dear Sweeney, in March stop."

Although brief, the telegram adds a personal touch, making listeners feel valued and part of the community.

Conclusion

As the episode wraps up, Hal March and Bob Sweeney reflect on the show's intent to entertain and uplift their audience. They express appreciation for their listeners and hint at future episodes, maintaining the warm and inviting tone characteristic of the era's radio programs.

Notable Quote:

• Hal March [29:23]: "We're dreamers."

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Overall Impression:

"Sweeney And March 46-09-14 xxx Bob's House Is On Fire" masterfully blends humor and music, embodying the spirit of the Golden Age of Radio. Through witty sketches and captivating musical performances, Hal March and Bob Sweeney create an engaging atmosphere that both entertains and resonates with listeners. The episode's structure—alternating between comedy and music—ensures a balanced and captivating listening experience, making it a standout installment in the Harold's Old Time Radio series.

Transcript

[Narrator]

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[Bob Sweeney]

Mrs. Sweeney. Oh, Mrs. Sweetie, open the window. What is it, Mrs. March? Hang on to your knuckles. Her boys are cracking them. Tonight.

[Hal March]

From Hollywood, before a small, select audience of friends, relatives and ushers, the Columbia Broadcasting System presents presents the Sweeney in March show with the sensational singing group, the Starlighters. Ed Max, Doris Singleton, June Foray, Irvin Lee, George Finniman, Wilbur Hatchney's orchestra. And me, Bob Lamond. And here are the stars of our show, the young comedy stylists, Bob Sweeney and Hal Mark. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Hal March, and this shy gentleman at my side is Bob Sweeney. Shy? A good deal of hair, too. Say something, please, Bob.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, good night, ladies and gentlemen. Thanks for listening.

[Hal March]

Oh, no, no, Bob, Bob, Bob, that's wrong. I'm trying very hard to make a good radio comedian out of you. You've got to get over being so shy and backwards. Come out with confidence and a big laugh like this. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Now try that, Bob. Now you're getting it.

[Wilbur Hatch]

That's better.

[Hal March]

Now say something.

[Bob Sweeney]

I can't. I'm laughing too hard.

[Hal March]

Bob, just pretend there's nothing really funny on this show. We just talk about kinds of people everybody has known, like deep sea divers or marathon runners or forest rangers. People you meet every day on the street. What are we gonna do tonight, Bob?

[Bob Sweeney]

Well.

[Hal March]

What?

[Bob Sweeney]

I'm still worried, Hal. I'm all mixed up and worried.

[Hal March]

Bob, you've gotta get a grip on yourself. Just keep saying that. All those people listening in aren't really there. They're not really there. They're not really there.

[Bob Sweeney]

All you people listening in, you're not really there now.

[Hal March]

Feel better? What's the matter?

[Bob Sweeney]

Now, maybe they're not really there.

[Hal March]

Well, we'll just have to take a chance. Now, the first sketch tonight is about the fire department. I'm gonna play the part of Captain March of the fire department.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, swell, Hal. And can I be the guy who steers the back end of the hook and ladder? Clang, clang. Get out the axes, turn on the water, man the hoses and get out.

[Hal March]

Bob.

[Bob Sweeney]

Bob.

[Hal March]

Bob.

[Bob Sweeney]

Yes, Hal?

[Hal March]

I've got a hot flash for you. In this sketch, somebody's house has to be on fire.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, you don't mean how.

[Hal March]

I'm afraid so.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, I knew I'd get burned again.

[Hal March]

A little firehouse music, Mr. Hatch? Few hot licks, please. Men of Hook and Ladder Company Number four and Captain March, the manner assembled. Thank you, Lieutenant Maxwell. Men of Hook and Ladder Company Number four, this is a fire company and we demand a certain level of performance from the crew. For example, at the Mission street fire this morning, Jones, Butler and Weems were seen walking through the front door without swinging an axe. But, Captain, the door was unlocked. Lieutenant Maxwell. Rackety bracks. Coax. Coax. The firemen always use their axe. Rackety quacks.

[Wilbur Hatch]

K.O.

[Hal March]

Axe. Quo.

[Wilbur Hatch]

Axe.

[Hal March]

The firemen always use their axe. Now, remember that privately.

[Bob Sweeney]

Yes, sir.

[Hal March]

You're new here, and at one time I thought you had a brilliant future. But I suddenly discover you're inhibited. This morning, in that Georgian mansion fire, you left a perfectly gorgeous Ming Dynasty vase intact.

[Bob Sweeney]

But, Captain, I thought it was just a cheap flower pot.

[Hal March]

So you fancy yourself an art critic. I want this understood. When there's ever any doubt, Swing. Raggedy brax. Coax. Coax. The firemen always use their axe. Raggedy brax. Coax.

[Wilbur Hatch]

Coax. The firemen always use their axe.

[Hal March]

And just one more thing. This morning we had a beautiful fire for toasting. And what happened? No marshmallows. Lieutenant Maxwell, see to it that the man in charge of picnic supplies receives five lashes. Dismiss. Company. Company, come in. Hello.

[Bob Sweeney]

Hello.

[Hal March]

Name?

[Bob Sweeney]

Sweeney.

[Hal March]

Fire? Yes. What? House blaze? Yes. Smoke?

[Bob Sweeney]

Yes, thanks. Don't mind if I do. I'm a little nervous.

[Hal March]

No, no, no, no. You misunderstand. Your house is on fire.

[Bob Sweeney]

It is? Gee, I better get right home.

[Hal March]

Wait a minute. If you want to report a fire, I think you'd better talk to Captain March.

[Bob Sweeney]

Aye.

[Hal March]

Yes, Maxwell. Captain, Mr. Sweeney here would like to report a fire. Very well. Make your report, Mr. Sweeney.

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, Captain, my house is on fire.

[Hal March]

All right, you've made your report. Now will you please go? I'm in the middle Of a gin rummy game.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, gee, what's more important, your gin rummy game or My house is on fire?

[Hal March]

Good heavens, man, I'm about to be blitzed at 2 cents a point.

[Bob Sweeney]

I don't care what you're playing for. My house is on fire and I want you fellas to come and put it out.

[Hal March]

Well, all right. You'll have to fill out this application.

[Bob Sweeney]

Application? Do I have to fill out an application to have my house on fire?

[Hal March]

Certainly. And of course, you have your priority.

[Bob Sweeney]

I haven't got time to get a priority.

[Hal March]

In that case, Mr. Sweeney, I would suggest that you report to our self service fire station on Evans Street.

[Bob Sweeney]

I don't have time. I came to you with a fire and it's your job to put it out. After all, I'm a taxpayer and I demand you.

[Hal March]

Mrs. Sweeney, how much do you pay a year in taxes?

[Bob Sweeney]

About $18.50, I guess, with deductions.

[Hal March]

And how much of it do you think goes to the fire department?

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, about $1.98, I guess.

[Hal March]

You mean to say that you expect 32 men and five pieces of apparatus to go to your house for $1.98? Bargain hunter.

[Bob Sweeney]

Are you gonna come and put out my fire or not?

[Hal March]

Just as soon as you complete the application. Come in. Who's our head man here? I am, sir. I'm Captain March of the. Shut up. Sir, I think. Shut up. He was beginning to bore me. Now, suppose you let me take the initiative in this conversation. What's your name? Never mind that. Never mind my name. Nobody has to know my name. It's none of your business what my name is. My name is Georgie Spinoni and I used to operate in the east side. We're taking over this district now. Here. My two boys here come down and talk business with you. Mr. Spimoni, if it's not asking too much, would you mind telling your two boys to take their guns out of my back? Aye. Boys, take your guns out of his back. Yes, Father. All right. Now let's talk. Say, what are you using for putting out your fires? Water, of course. What kind of water? Why, water from the city, fire hydrants. How many gallons you use a week? Oh, conservatively. I'd say about seven gallons. Yeah, well, from now on, you're using nine gallons and it's going to be bottled seltzer water. Seltzer water? Why in the world do you want us to use seltzer water? Because me and my boys like to hear it.

[Bob Sweeney]

Captain March, what about my house?

[Hal March]

What about Your house?

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, it's on fire, you know.

[Hal March]

Oh, yes. I think we can cut a little red tape and go now, Mr. Squeamy.

[Bob Sweeney]

Fine. How do I get out of here?

[Hal March]

Just slide down that pole, Mr. Squeamy, like the rest of us do. Okay. Here I go. Well, there goes another one. I wonder where that thing goes. Anyway. Here now are the starlighters Four young fellows in a cute little mist to sing one of their recent recordings on the boardwalk in Atlantic City Wilbur Hatch and his orchestra chaperone.

[Wilbur Hatch]

Goodbye, little chicks, we are leading the sticks we are catching a train at a quarter to six and if anyone should drop around Won't you please tell them that we can be found on the boardwalk in Atlantic City we will walk in a dream on the boardwalk in Atlantic City Life will be peaches and cream There where the saltwater air brings out a lady's charm There on a rolling chair you roll right into your arms Cinderella, you will find your fella Someone that you waited for in romantic, enchanted Atlantic City down on the old New Jersey shore.

[Bob Sweeney]

On the boardwalk.

[Wilbur Hatch]

In Atlantic City we will walk in a dream on the boardwalk in Atlantic City Life will be peaches and cream where the saltwater air brings out a lady child care On a rolling chair you roll right into your arms Cinderella, you will find your fellas Someone that you've waited for in ro. In Trinis Atlantic City down on the old New Jersey shore Cinderella, you will find your villa Someone that you've waited for In Romanic city Down on the old New J. Now I'm out on the Jersey shore.

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, Hal, what kind of a public servant are we gonna do now?

[Hal March]

Well, this time, Bob, we're gonna do a public servant who's just a little unusual.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, you mean like a whisper?

[Hal March]

Don't be ridiculous, Bob. We're gonna do a public weighing machine.

[Bob Sweeney]

A weighing machine?

[Hal March]

That's right.

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, how can you get a weighing machine to talk for the radio, Al?

[Hal March]

Bob, have you ever put a penny in a weighing machine and received a little card with your weight and fortune on it?

[Bob Sweeney]

Yeah.

[Hal March]

Who do you think writes Those out?

[Bob Sweeney]

Charlie McInerney.

[Hal March]

Who is Charlie McInerney?

[Bob Sweeney]

Friend of mine with a pencil.

[Hal March]

No, no, Bob. No, not Charlie McInerney. Inside of every weighing machine is a little man, and all he does all day long is guess weights and write out fortunes.

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, is he the guy we're gonna do next?

[Hal March]

Right, Bob? I'll be the man who fixes the machines, and you'll be the little man who writes out the fortune.

[Bob Sweeney]

But, Hal, I'm too big. I can't get inside one of those machines.

[Hal March]

Yes, you can, Bob. It's all of the mine. Just keep saying to yourself, I'm tiny. I'm tiny. I'm tiny.

[Bob Sweeney]

I'm tiny.

[Hal March]

That's tiny enough. Are you comfortable down there, Bob?

[Bob Sweeney]

Yeah, except for one thing.

[Hal March]

And what's that, pal?

[Bob Sweeney]

I'm tangled up in your shoelaces way.

[Hal March]

Music, Mr. Hatch. Hello, March Weighing Machine Company. March speaking.

[Bob Sweeney]

Mr. March, I'd like to report an inaccuracy in one of your scales.

[Hal March]

Yes, madam. What is it?

[Bob Sweeney]

Weighing. I got in your scale at Hollywood and Vine. Yes, now, I'm not complaining, mind you, but my fortune card said that I was lovely, devastatingly beautiful with a gorgeous.

[Wilbur Hatch]

Complexion and a self like figure.

[Hal March]

Oh, I would say that's very complimentary. What's your trouble, madam?

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, you should see me. I'm a mess.

[Hal March]

Very well, madam. I'll check that scale right away. Hollywood and Vine. That Sweeney scale more than likely been nibbling on a fermented grape and high as a kite. I'll go down there right now and straighten him out once and for all. I'll get the back of that scale open and have a showdown with this little squirt. All right, Sweeney, on your feet and get your light on. I want to have a talk with you.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, hello, Mr. March. I was just having lunch. You care to join me?

[Hal March]

What are you eating there, Birdseed blintzes? No, thank you. I ate. Besides, I want to discuss your work with you. Do you realize that this is the only scale in town that gives me any trouble?

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, what did I do? I've been guessing the weights and writing up the fortunes just like you told me, Sweeney.

[Hal March]

How long were you in training school?

[Bob Sweeney]

Six. Six months, sir.

[Hal March]

Where's your diploma?

[Bob Sweeney]

Hanging on the wall here over my bookcase.

[Hal March]

And what does the oath say on your diploma?

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, Mr. March, not again.

[Hal March]

Read it, read it. The oath. The oath. Read it, read it. The oath.

[Bob Sweeney]

I, Robert Sweeney, promise that I will not add a pound here or take away a pound there, and I will not allow myself to go any larger than three inches.

[Hal March]

What's the matter, Sweeney? You getting too big for this job?

[Bob Sweeney]

No, sir.

[Hal March]

Sweeney, you've changed. And I don't like what I see.

[Bob Sweeney]

Just a minute, Mr. March, and I'll turn the light off.

[Hal March]

That's what I mean, Sweeney. It's those smart answers. Let me ask you something. Do you recall the day you came to my office?

[Bob Sweeney]

Yes, sir. I came to ask you for a job.

[Hal March]

Exactly. And what experience did you have?

[Bob Sweeney]

I was a foreman of a record changing crew. Inside a jukebox.

[Hal March]

That's right. That's exactly right. And do you remember why you left that job?

[Bob Sweeney]

I was fired.

[Hal March]

And why were you fired?

[Bob Sweeney]

Because I got my head caught in a hole in the record and it threw the whole jukebox into confusion.

[Hal March]

One a finger, Sweeney.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, I'll never live it down. It was awful.

[Hal March]

Yes, and what was the outcome?

[Bob Sweeney]

Toscanini ended up conducting Spike Jones. The swallows flew back to Cucamonga and Quetta Scapistrano and the prisoner of love escaped.

[Hal March]

And with a record like that, I took you in. And do you recall the lie you told me about your ability to tell fortunes?

[Bob Sweeney]

Yes, sir. I said I could tell fortunes because when I worked in the jukebox, I used to go around with the gypsy.

[Hal March]

Sweeney, sometimes I think I made a mistake with you.

[Bob Sweeney]

Get back, Mr. Martin. Come to Penny. Oh, gosh, these pennies frighten me to death. A guy can get hurt in here.

[Hal March]

I'm glad I found out in time.

[Bob Sweeney]

Found out what, Mr. March, not only.

[Hal March]

Are you careless, but you're stir crazy. And I had you in mind for a promotion to a candy machine.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, I could handle it, sir. Honestly, I could. I'll work hard and I'll study if you'll just give me a chance.

[Hal March]

Don't be childish, Sweeney. If pennies frighten you, two days in the nickel machine and you'd be a gibbering idiot.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, sir, I could use the promotion. My wife, well, she's. She's going to have a baby.

[Hal March]

Do you mean to stand there on that penny and tell me that you were about to become a father?

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, sir, if it would make the company happy, I might try to become a mother.

[Hal March]

Now, Sweeney, don't get smart with me.

[Bob Sweeney]

But, sir, with the baby coming and everything, my wife is going to have to quit her job.

[Hal March]

Your wife works, Sweeney? With the money you're earning, you allow your wife to work?

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, sir, with prices the way they are, it's. It's awfully hard to get along on 7 cents a week.

[Hal March]

What kind of work does your wife do, Sweeney?

[Bob Sweeney]

She's with the gas company, Mr. March. She sits under the grill in the middle of the gas stove. When you push the button, she blows the pilot light over towards the burner.

[Hal March]

I'm sorry, Sweeney. I'd like to let you have that nickel machine, but my conscience just won't let me.

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, in that case, Mr. March, I'll just have to hand in my resignation I didn't want to take it, but I've had a job offered to me in the movies.

[Hal March]

What could you do in the movies?

[Bob Sweeney]

Also, they're remaking an old picture and they want me for the leading man. I'm just the type.

[Hal March]

What's the name of this picture?

[Bob Sweeney]

Little Women.

[Hal March]

The Starlighters. Sleep One off now. Underneath the willow tree.

[Wilbur Hatch]

Underneath the willow tree we sat alone, Marie and me There she said she'd marry me under the willow tree. What a happy fair were we. Did I love her? Did she love me there she said she'd wait for me under the little tree. We carved our names upon the tree. But now she's gone and left me and there's nothing I can do but wait Beside the willow tree. Don't leave for me, oh, willow tree. Cause I'm gonna keep waiting for sweet Marie under the willow tre. I'll wait beside the willow tree. Don't wait for me, willow tree crawly. Keep waiting for sweet Marie under the willow tree. Underneath the willow tree Sat alone Marie and me There she said she'd marry me under the willow tree Underneath the willow tree Sat alone a. There she said she'd marry me under.

[Hal March]

The willow tree.

[Wilbur Hatch]

What a happy pair were we Do I love her? Does she love me There she said she'd wait for me Never to weep no for sweet Marie.

[Hal March]

Oh, a swell song, gang. Swell song. Wasn't that a wonderful arrangement, Bob? Bob. What's the matter? Don't you like the star lighters?

[Bob Sweeney]

No.

[Hal March]

You don't? Why not?

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, the one in the middle makes fun about my hair that I used to have.

[Hal March]

That's just. That's just kidding, Bob. You mustn't worry.

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, I just don't want to hear any more cracks about my hair or I'll be swinging on a star lighter.

[Hal March]

Please, please, Bob, control yourself.

[Bob Sweeney]

I'll get that one in the middle, Bob.

[Hal March]

The one in the middle is a girl.

[Bob Sweeney]

That doesn't scare me. I can handle her.

[Hal March]

Robert. Please, let's do our next public servant. Now, in this, I'll play the part of the taxicab driver. Don't whistle for a cab yet, Bob. We're not ready.

[Bob Sweeney]

I was whistling at that star. Later, Al.

[Hal March]

Oh, well, you'll play the part of the guy who's in the big rush to get someplace in the taxi. Think you can handle that, Bob?

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, is it a yellow or a checkered cab?

[Hal March]

What possible difference can that make?

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, I guess you never been president of the Yellow Cab Company.

[Hal March]

Taxi music, please.

[Bob Sweeney]

Hurry, Bob. The Taxi's waiting out in front. I'm all set, honey. You got your suitcases? Yeah. Fishing rod? Yeah.

[Hal March]

Boots?

[Bob Sweeney]

Yeah. All right, now, have a nice time. Goodbye. Bye. Now, where's that taxi? Yes? Will you please let me in? You're the one who's leaving. I was wondering where that taxi was. Oh, goodbye, dear. Bob, sweetie, haven't you forgotten something? Forgotten something? Did you kiss anybody? Oh, honey, this is no time to get suspicious. Now, you just give me one little kiss.

[Hal March]

Yes.

[Bob Sweeney]

Honey, do I have to go on a vacation? Now, you run along. The taxi's waiting. Okay. Bye. Oh, here I am. Driver, let's go. And please hurry. I've got 20 minutes to catch a train.

[Hal March]

He's got 20 minutes to catch a train, he says. Why don't you take it nice and slow and easy, Mackie? You're gonna get yourself a nice batch of Os.

[Bob Sweeney]

Now, let me worry about that. You just drive to the Union Station. My train leaves in 15 minutes.

[Hal March]

Okay, off we go into the wire blue yonder. Off we go.

[Bob Sweeney]

Driver. Driver, you're going in the opposite direction. The Union Station is the other way.

[Hal March]

The other way. Sis, ever gone to the Union Station this way?

[Bob Sweeney]

No, I certainly haven't.

[Hal March]

Then how do you know? It's impossible.

[Bob Sweeney]

Listen, you.

[Hal March]

I want Alsace. Alsace?

[Bob Sweeney]

Well, you're certain you know what you're doing?

[Hal March]

Certainly I'm certain. I know this town like the back of my hand. See there? The back of my hand? See the back of my hand, Mac? Yes.

[Bob Sweeney]

Yes, I see. And it's awfully hairy around Main Street.

[Hal March]

Hairy around Main street, he says. But really, Mac, I know my driving. I only got a little crossed up once. You care to hear about it, Mac?

[Bob Sweeney]

I'd love to. Would you like to pull over to the curb and get back here with me?

[Hal March]

Okay, but I'll have to leave the meter up.

[Bob Sweeney]

Now, you keep driving. I've only got 12 minutes to catch my train.

[Hal March]

Okay, Mac, just like you say. Here we go.

[Bob Sweeney]

Look out for that pedestrian.

[Hal March]

You'll have to get in back, Mac. I can't drive with you sitting on a meter. That's it. Hustle. Just a moment, driver. I gotta get someplace quick. Aha. Aha. I caught you. I caught you.

[Bob Sweeney]

Please, please. Can't you see this driver is engaged?

[Hal March]

Is that so? Well, congratulations. I hope you two be very happy.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, for goodness sake.

[Hal March]

Now, look, chum, tell us where you want to go. Grant's Tomb. Never heard of it.

[Bob Sweeney]

Grant's Tomb? That's in New York?

[Hal March]

Yes, sir. You got a mighty fine head on your shoulders. Brent on second. Grant, you got two mighty fine hats on you.

[Bob Sweeney]

Yes, yes, and yours is very nice too.

[Hal March]

There's Grant's Tomb. Drive it. Stop the cab, driver. That ain't Grant to. That's the city hall. Mac. I dag Tabitha with you. Sir, I've been living here in del fuel for 26 years and I place Aretha on the steps every night. You must be a Confederate man.

[Bob Sweeney]

All right, all right. It's Grant's Tomb. Please pay the driver so I can get to my train.

[Hal March]

That'll be a dollar and sixty cents due to a condition over which I have no control. I have only 20 times. Look yo. The meter says A$60. Can she just back up to 20 cents?

[Bob Sweeney]

I'll pay his fare. Please, let's get to the station.

[Hal March]

That's very kind of you, sir. And now may I bid you good day. I have some friends waiting for me. Good afternoon, Mrs. Grant. Is the general home?

[Bob Sweeney]

May we go now?

[Hal March]

What was your last question?

[Bob Sweeney]

I said may we go now?

[Hal March]

Certainly. Off we go into the wild blue yonder off we go.

[Bob Sweeney]

Driver, driver. Must you sing that song?

[Hal March]

Oh, sure. That's a song of my old outfit.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, so you're a next serviceman.

[Hal March]

Oh, certainly. I was in the submarine service.

[Bob Sweeney]

I don't mean to disillusion you, but the song you just sang is from the Army Air Corps.

[Hal March]

The Army Air Corps, huh? Yes. Oh, down we go into the wild green yonder down we go into the fish down we go.

[Bob Sweeney]

Driver, Driver, we're only a few blocks from the station. I got a couple of minutes. Would you please hurry?

[Hal March]

Okay, Mac, I'll open a wide open.

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh, no. Don't tell me you're stalled.

[Hal March]

Don't get excited, Max. You just stalled for a minute. Don't go gettin them ulcers.

[Bob Sweeney]

But you stole it right in the middle of the railroad tracks.

[Hal March]

What difference does that make?

[Bob Sweeney]

Does that answer your question? Now, I insist you get this car across these tracks.

[Hal March]

Look, bossy, I got my end across. Now let's see what you can do with your end.

[Bob Sweeney]

Can't you please do something? That train is practically honest.

[Hal March]

Everything is gonna be all right. You keep whirling like that and you'll get Elsa. Hey, Mac, you okay?

[Bob Sweeney]

Oh. Oh, I'm in agony. My insides are killing me.

[Hal March]

I know. It's just like I told you. You worry yourself right into a case of ulcers. Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen, as we've said before, we don't like to feel that We've put on this whole show for nothing.

[Bob Sweeney]

We don't like to feel that way. But that's the way it is, Bob.

[Hal March]

I'm not talking about money, folks. We like to think that our show contains a message that perhaps you got more than five or six chuckles out of it.

[Bob Sweeney]

We like to think you got 10 chuckles out of it. We're dreamers.

[Hal March]

Bob, please, this is serious. We'd like to know that you folks at home get a lift out of our sketches. That they have some significance for you. And so tonight we're happy to read a telegram that has just come in from one of our lists listeners. Bob, will you bring that Western Union boy over here? Boy.

[Bob Sweeney]

Here he is, Hal.

[Hal March]

Fine. Now, son, would you be kind enough to read the wire you just delivered so that we may all hear just what our audience thinks of us?

[Bob Sweeney]

Hollywood, California.

[Hal March]

September 14th.

[Bob Sweeney]

Dear Sweeney, in March stop.

[Hal March]

Signed, Mrs. Kennedy. Thank you.

[Wilbur Hatch]

Good night, everybody.

[Hal March]

And next week, same time, same station March, with the star writers, Wilter Hatch's orchestra. Bob Lamond speaking. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting.