Tales From The Morgue xx-xx-xx Elmer And The Book Of Absolute Truth

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Tales From The Morgue xx-xx-xx Elmer And The Book Of Absolute Truth"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Description: Reliving the Golden Age of Radio with classic-style broadcasts featuring beloved shows like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, Dragnet, and more.
• Episode: Tales From The Morgue xx-xx-xx Elmer And The Book Of Absolute Truth
• Release Date: June 17, 2025

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Introduction

The episode kicks off with the signature introduction by Chet Cheddar, setting the stage for a thrilling adventure:

[00:05] Chet Cheddar: "MJ Audio Theater presents Chet Cheddar's Tales from the Morgue."

Elmer Korn, the protagonist, welcomes listeners with a light-hearted mention of his current predicament:

[00:32] Elmer Korn: "Hello there."

He humorously references a plumbing issue at the morgue, painting a vivid picture of flooding and the unfortunate demise of rats unable to adapt:

[00:37] Elmer Korn: "Just come right in. Wade on through and have a seat... Unfortunately, I'm not a plumber. You see, our old rusty pipes just gave out on us last night, so the floor is full of water. It looks like the rats could not adapt to their marine-like environment. Many of them have drowned, you know. Now a story to tell."

The Proposition

Elmer's mundane life takes an unexpected turn when Chet Cheddar introduces him to a unique opportunity:

[03:00] Chet Cheddar: "Well, if Intelligence is correct, this should be the home of Elmer Corn."

Chet represents Otto J. Williamsburg, a multimillionaire with a grand proposition for Elmer:

[03:10] Chet Cheddar: "I represent the state of Otto J. Williamsburg... Mr. Williamsburg wants to meet with you."

Despite initial skepticism, Elmer is intrigued by the promise of adventure and a substantial reward:

[09:13] Elmer Korn: "Oh, boy. Quarter of a million? I could pay off my mortgage, have a little bit left over."

[09:25] Otto J. Williamsburg: "I would imagine you would have quite a bit left over, Mr. Corn. You'd be a fool to pass up this offer."

Encouraged by the potential reward, Elmer agrees to embark on the quest:

[09:32] Elmer Korn: "Yeah, I guess I'd kick myself if I didn't do it... Okay."

The Journey to Kashtar

Elmer and his guide, Achmed, travel to Kashtar, a remote country near India, to begin the search for the elusive Book of Absolute Truth. Upon arrival, Elmer is greeted by Achmed and Asha, a local sheriff who warns him of the dangers ahead:

[11:05] Asha: "Hey."

[13:05] Asha: "I am Achmed, at your service, my friend."

Encounter with Asha and Achmed

Elmer meets Asha, who provides crucial information about the Book of Absolute Truth and the perils guarding it:

[13:40] Asha: "Mr. Williamsburg informed me that you will be arriving today. You are seeking the Book of Absolute Truth?"

Asha elaborates on the mythic nature of the book, guarded by Ajah, the God of Truth, and warns of the dangers posed by pygmies:

[13:57] Asha: "The Book of Absolute Truth... There are many dangers in finding it... the pygmies live at the bottom of the canyon as well."

The Quest in the Cave of a Thousand Terrors

Guided by Asha, Elmer ventures into the treacherous Cave of a Thousand Terrors. Inside, he faces formidable challenges, including rabid monkeys and piranhas, testing his resolve and survival skills:

[21:15] Narrator: "You humans are so stupid. I am Asha and I am omnipresent. Ayesha, you have come in search of the book?"

Despite the overwhelming odds, Elmer perseveres, demonstrating both humor and determination:

[23:06] Elmer Korn: "I gotta swing across this thing. Here we go. Cross my chest."

[25:05] Elmer Korn: "Oh, thanks, Hawkman. Yes. Third time you saved my life. Yes, I'm gonna share some of that cord of a million with you."

Finally, Elmer locates the Book of Absolute Truth, but his triumph is short-lived as unexpected twists unravel the true nature of his quest.

The Revelation

In a dramatic turn of events, Otto J. Williamsburg's true intentions are revealed. It becomes apparent that the entire adventure was orchestrated for a fabricated reality show:

[25:28] Otto J. Williamsburg: "The book. Give me that Worth estate."

[25:39] Otto J. Williamsburg: "My movie has been ruined. I told you not to interfere when he entered the cave."

Asha exposes the deception behind the quest:

[25:49] Asha: "The Book of Absolute Truth does not exist."

Elmer confronts the betrayal, realizing he has been part of a staged production:

[27:01] Elmer Korn: "I'm a 14 karat gold sucker... That was just you on a speaker, wasn't it?"

Conclusion

The episode concludes with Elmer returning to his flooded morgue, reflecting on the unlikely adventure he endured. While he didn't receive the promised reward, he gains an incredible story to share:

[28:20] Elmer Korn: "Oh, heck, I'm all for it. Watch out for the rabid monkeys... That was our story for today."

He humorously ties back to his initial predicament, leaving listeners with a sense of closure and anticipation for future tales:

[29:14] Chet Cheddar: "You have just heard Chet Cheddar's Tales from the Morgue. Today's installment, Elmer and the Book of Absolute Truth. The names and characters portrayed in this production are fictitious. Any similarities to our persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. A production by MJ Audio Theater."

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Key Takeaways:

• Character Development: Elmer Korn transitions from a mundane morgue attendant to an unwitting adventurer, highlighting his everyman qualities and unexpected bravery.
• Themes: The episode explores themes of deception, the allure of adventure, and the unforeseen consequences of chasing mythical truths.
• Humor and Suspense: Balancing humor with suspenseful moments, the narrative engages listeners through Elmer's witty remarks and the escalating dangers he faces.
• Twist Ending: The revelation that the quest was a staged reality show adds a layer of irony, questioning the authenticity of perceived adventures.

Notable Quotes:

• Elmer Korn on Accepting the Quest:

  [09:13] Elmer Korn: "Oh, boy. Quarter of a million? I could pay off my mortgage, have a little bit left over."

• Asha on the Book's Existence:

  [25:49] Asha: "The Book of Absolute Truth does not exist."

• Otto J. Williamsburg's Deception:

  [26:04] Otto J. Williamsburg: "I told you how much I despise television and movies. But this, this was real. And it was going perfectly until Achmed ruined it."

• Elmer's Reflection:

  [28:13] Asha: "They'll come with me to the Idiot Cafe, Mr. Gordon. We would drink many zombies and talk about good times."

This episode masterfully blends classic radio storytelling with modern twists, delivering an entertaining and thought-provoking narrative that stays true to the spirit of the Golden Age of Radio.

Transcript

[Chet Cheddar]

MJ Audio Theater presents Chet Cheddar's Tales from the Morgue.

[Elmer Korn]

Hello there.

[Achmed]

Never mind the water.

[Elmer Korn]

Just come right in. Wade on through and have a seat.

[Achmed]

My name is Chet Chitter.

[Elmer Korn]

I am the morgue attendant and licensed embalm. Unfortunately, I'm not a plumber. You see, our old rusty pipes just gave out on us last night, so the floor is full of water. It looks like the rats could not adapt to their marine like environment. Many of them have drowned, you know. Now a story to tell.

[Asha]

It looks like one learned to swim.

[Elmer Korn]

Survival of the fittest, you know. Yes. Now, where was I? Ah, yes, yes. We're returning to Biloxi today, Mr. El Mcorn. That manure hauling adventurer is out in.

[Asha]

His backyard feeding the pigs.

[Elmer Korn]

Pigs? All right, all right. Now look here. Don't chew off each other's ears. There's plenty of rotten tomatoes for all of you. And look, look here. Now don't waller in that. You eat that. I sworn to goodness. They say pigs is the cleanest animals around. And I bound you. They never seen the likes of you. That whirly bird sounds close, huh? Ain't hardly. Be no closer. It's landing in my pasture. Look at the suits on, the feathers coming out of that thing. Dressed to the nines, shiny brand new leather shoes. That tall one just stepped in a fresh cow patty, too. Howdy, fellers. Hello. Did you lose your weight?

[Chet Cheddar]

Well, if Intelligence is correct, this should be the home of Elmer Corn.

[Elmer Korn]

Intelligence? Well, sir, you got it right. You found it. Did I win something?

[Chet Cheddar]

I'm afraid not, Mr. Korn. I represent the state of Otto J. Williamsburg. Perhaps you've heard of the name Otto Williamsburg?

[Elmer Korn]

Dawgs, ain't that that multi billionaire what bought that Florida amusement park Wacky Land, and then just closed her down like a month later, saying he was bored with it?

[Chet Cheddar]

Yes, Mr. Corn, you're correct. You see, I.

[Elmer Korn]

And I heard his wife took half his fortune in a divorce suit. Dad. Yeah. What a chump.

[Chet Cheddar]

Please do not interrupt me, Mr. Corn.

[Elmer Korn]

Sorry.

[Chet Cheddar]

The reason why I'm here is because Mr. Williamsburg wants to meet with you.

[Elmer Korn]

With me? Jiminy, why in the world.

[Chet Cheddar]

I'm not at liberty to discuss the details with you, mister, but Mr. Williamsburg has a proposition for you. One that could make you a very rich man. It will all be explained to you when we arrive at the estate. Are you ready to go?

[Elmer Korn]

Well, sir, I ain't one for taking off with a bunch of strangers, but. Well, dawg, if you ain't got my curiosity, Ralph and I Always wanted to take a ride in a helicopter. Okay, sir. I'll do it. Let me go dust off some of this dirt and splash a little cologne on my face, and then we'll go. Let's try to get back before the wrestling match is on TV, though. If we can.

[Achmed]

Welcome to the Williamsburg estate, Mr. Corden.

[Elmer Korn]

Thank you.

[Achmed]

I trust your flight was uneventful.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, it was, Danny. Fine, sir. My stomach took a little turn when we took off, but I managed to keep things. Now.

[Achmed]

Yes, yes, yes. This way. Mr. Korn. Sir, Williamsburg is in the activity room.

[Elmer Korn]

I hear gunshots. I didn't come at a bad time, did I? Oh, no, no, no.

[Achmed]

It is a Shooting Gallery. Mr. Corn, sir, enjoys a practice session before noontime tea.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, I see. Begging your pardon, sir.

[Achmed]

Your guest, Mr. Elmer Korn, has arrived.

[Elmer Korn]

Mercy sake.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Bullseye.

[Asha]

Yeah.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Mr. Korn.

[Elmer Korn]

Howdy.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

We meet at last. Come in, come in.

[Elmer Korn]

Thank you, sir.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

That'll be all for now, Jarvis.

[Elmer Korn]

Very good, sir, and might as a.

[Achmed]

Terrific shooting today, sir.

[Elmer Korn]

Galsus sakes, what a game room. I tell you, this sure beats to death that old rickety pool table we got down at the city Hall.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Y. Well, would you believe I'm bored of all this, Mr. Korn. I search for entertainment, and what do I find? Television. Bah.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, damn.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Here. Coming Emotion Pictures. Wallowing in sexual excess.

[Elmer Korn]

Lord, a mercy.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

I seek a human adventure, Mr. Corn.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

One with real life experiences. But I am too old.

[Achmed]

Too old?

[Elmer Korn]

Now, that ain't necessary. Good Lord. What in the world are you shooting at?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Um, ancient pottery, vases from the Ming dynasty, I believe.

[Elmer Korn]

Gemini.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Mr. Korn, you wonder why I've asked you here.

[Elmer Korn]

Well, yes, sir. I suspect it wasn't just to show off your shooting skills to me, was it?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Yes, that is right, Mr. Kohrn. There is more to it than that. Very amusing, though I enjoy reading Small Town Publications. Mr. Korn, I came across an article in your Biloxi Gazette recently.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, sakes alive. You read about the mole rats, didn't you?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Oh, yes. You are quite the hero, Mr. Korn. Well, the peaceful village of Biloxi is overrun by giant. Monstrous.

[Elmer Korn]

Yeah.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Elmer Corn rallies forth to rid the town of its plague.

[Elmer Korn]

Those were mutant mole rants, too.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

You are a brave man, Mr. Korn. A man that rises to the occasion when trouble is at hand. Which is exactly why I have chosen you. Uh.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, Chosen me for what?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

To find something. Something I have spent my youth and millions of dollars to search for.

[Elmer Korn]

Which is?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

The Book of Absolute Truth.

[Elmer Korn]

Book of Absolute Truth?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

You Say, yes, it is a book or a scroll or perhaps a tablet. But I believe it exists, Mr. Korn. It contains the answers to all of the questions man has asked in the past and will ever ask in the future.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, I get you. Like, would it tell how they make Styrofoam and how they put the cheese in them cans?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

No, no, no. I'm talking about secrets of the universe, mister. The answers to the mysteries of life. Have you ever wondered what happens after you die?

[Elmer Korn]

Well, yes, sir. I try not to dwell on it.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Though the answer would be in the Book of Absolute Truth.

[Elmer Korn]

Who you reckon wrote such a thing?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Legend has it the author is God.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, I almost figured that out myself. Listen, sir. Mr. Williamsburg, despite what the Biloxi Gazette says, I ain't no Arizona Jones. You scrape away all the hometown hero junk, and you just got a manure hauler from Biloxi.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

I would go myself, Mr. Corn, but, you see, these feeble legs of mine barely carry me across the hallway. If you would retrieve the book for me, I will pay you a quarter of a million dollars.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

That is, even if you do not succeed. Sound reasonable?

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, boy. Quarter of a million? I could pay off my mortgage, have a little bit left over.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

I would imagine you would have quite a bit left over, Mr. Corn. You'd be a fool to pass up this offer.

[Elmer Korn]

Yeah, I guess I'd kick myself if I didn't do it. I guess when you hold that hefty chunk of change over my head like that, Mr. Williamsburg, I can't say nothing but. Okay.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Excellent. Excellent. Your plane leaves at 5 tomorrow morning, Mr. Korn. It will drop you off in a small country near India called Kashtar. I believe I have traced the book to this location. You will find an old cafe called Idiya. The manager's name is Achmad. He will give you the leads to go on. Have a safe journey, Mr. Korn. And may you find adventure.

[Elmer Korn]

So this is Kashtar. Well, it's a busy little community. I wonder what this sign nailed up to this tree. He says, beware, outsider. Asha is watching you. Cursed be those who anger him. I guess this Asha fella is the local sheriff.

[Asha]

Hey.

[Elmer Korn]

Hey. There's what I'm looking for. Cafe idiot. Supposed to ask for a feller named Ach Mad. Now, keep that in mind. Ach Mad. Ach Mad. Well, man, it's a hopping little jerk, huh? I might order me up a drink while I'm here. I've always wanted to try one of them zombies.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Hey.

[Asha]

Hey, you.

[Elmer Korn]

Huh?

[Achmed]

You with the pale face.

[Elmer Korn]

Me?

[Achmed]

What's the matter? Are you lost or something?

[Elmer Korn]

Uh, no, sir. I just come here to.

[Achmed]

Why you come here? You come to get nice tattoo, pale face?

[Elmer Korn]

No, sir.

[Achmed]

Won't I take this knife and carve your name over your chest?

[Elmer Korn]

Whoa, Nelly. No, no, sir. I'm a bleeder.

[Achmed]

I want it quiet in here.

[Elmer Korn]

Don't stop things on my account. I just.

[Achmed]

Look who come in to join party. Pale one say he no want. I give him tattoo.

[Elmer Korn]

No, sir.

[Achmed]

It is no good to give me offense, pale one. Sabu offend me one time. Tell him what happened. Sabu.

[Elmer Korn]

Caw.

[Achmed]

Oh, I forget. Sabu no longer can talk since he lose his tongue to my knife.

[Elmer Korn]

Now, look, sir, I don't want to scuffle with you.

[Asha]

I would be leaving this man alone, big and stupid one. Or the next bullet will be penetrating your head most severely.

[Achmed]

All right, I will leave. But we may meet again, pale one. And you will not be so lucky.

[Elmer Korn]

Next time, eh, Lord, if you ain't heaven censer. Thanks, I'm much obliged. Oh, no. Whew. That man was going to cut notches in me with that butcher now.

[Asha]

Oh, fool, he was only trying to frighten you.

[Elmer Korn]

He's excited.

[Asha]

I am Achmed, at your service, my friend.

[Elmer Korn]

Achmed. Well, please meet your acquaintance. Achmed.

[Asha]

I'm Elmer korn.

[Elmer Korn]

Yes.

[Asha]

Oh, Mr. Williamsburg informed me that you will be arriving today. You are seeking the Book of Absolute Right?

[Elmer Korn]

Well, yes, sir, he is. I'm sent to look for it for him. But just between me and you and the lamppost, I'm not so sure this book exists.

[Asha]

Oh, yes, yes, the Book does exist, my friend. And there are many dangers in finding it. You see, Ajah, the God of Truth, looks over the Book. He guards it well. Many have searched for the Book, but none had lived to speak of it. Only the Hermit knows where the book exists.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Hermit?

[Asha]

You must ask him. He lives at the bottom of Canyon of Death. You must be careful, my friend, because the pygmies live at the bottom of the canyon as well.

[Elmer Korn]

Pygmies?

[Asha]

And they have a taste for human flesh. A pale Humans are a delicacy, you see.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, my goodness. I never thought I'd ask this question. Can you point me the way to the Canyon of Death?

[Hermit]

The Book of Absolute Truth? Yes, yes. The Hermit knows where the Book resides. And the hermit will tell you?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Yes.

[Elmer Korn]

Good.

[Hermit]

But you must swear and oath of secrecy, my friend. Tell anyone what I tell you now and Asha will punish you with slow Torturous death. Your blood will boil. Your brains will melt. Your eyes will burst.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, okay. All right. I ain't gonna tell nobody. Lord, Lord. Mister, you're making me sick. Where's that?

[Hermit]

The book is located in the Cave of a Thousand Terrors. Certain death awaits he whose spirit is not pure. In order to find the cave you must go to.

[Elmer Korn]

Mercy sakes alive. A spear caught him right in the chest. Wonder where that little pillar.

[Asha]

I bet you didn't.

[Elmer Korn]

There. Pigment. All right, Elmer, you can talk your way out of this. Howdy there, fellas. I like that there fishing net you got. Got one like that myself over in Biloxi, see? Use it in Miller's Pond to catch shad. Now, listen up here. Y' all don't want to eat me. This old Biloxi hide is tougher than a wild turkey.

[Asha]

No, don't throw.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

No.

[Elmer Korn]

Now, come on now, fellers. Get. Get this net off of me. Get it off me. Now what are y' all gonna do to me? Oh, Lord. Well, this is a fine how do you do? Yesterday, about this time, I was slopping hogs, and now I'm hanging by a rope over a boiling pot of water. Life does have its twist and turn. Say, feller, listen here. Y' all promise not to dunk me in that stew pot and I'll go kill you a nice big old tiger. Heck, I'll even slaughter the dang thing and she can fry you some steaks. How's that sound, huh? Well, that was wasted breath.

[Achmed]

Quiet, quiet.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Here, stop those drums.

[Achmed]

Well, we meet again, eh, pale one?

[Elmer Korn]

You're that fella from the bar. Howdy.

[Achmed]

Where's your friend to save you now, eh, pale one? How you like? Now, I take my knife and carve your name on your chest. Or maybe you like better. I caught this rope that you are hanging by and you fall into hot water. You not be so pale then, would you, pale one?

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, I'd sure. Druther. You didn't do that. Hey, hey, it's Achmed. Howdy, Achmed.

[Asha]

Greetings, Elmer, my friend. I see you are playing with the pygmies. Yes, but playtime is over now. Then you cut my friend down, or I fire at you with the fire stick of Aja.

[Achmed]

The pygmies will ignore your threats, Achmed. They answer only to me.

[Asha]

I am thinking you are wrong. The fire stick has a louder voice than you do, my friend.

[Elmer Korn]

Germany.

[Asha]

Oh, Lord, yes. Now you are reacting appropriately.

[Elmer Korn]

I ain't used to such a thing.

[Asha]

Now, Take my friend down. Make sure that he is unharmed.

[Elmer Korn]

Easy, boy. Don't drop me in that stew pot.

[Asha]

You are. You are feeling alright, my friend?

[Elmer Korn]

Yeah, yeah. Some jumbled nerves and some rope burns on my wrists. Looks like that's too. I owe you.

[Achmed]

The day will come, Achmed, when you and I will come to Blue.

[Asha]

Yes, that day will come, stupid one. But until then, go find someone else to play, or I will ventilate you with a fire stick. Now then, Mr. Kohn. You found the location of the Book of Absolute Truth?

[Elmer Korn]

Yes, sir. The hermit told me it was in this place called the Cave of a Thousand Terrors. But just as he's about to tell me where it said he got a spear in the chest.

[Asha]

The cave. Yes. Well, you are being very lucky today, my friend. I know the location of the cave. Climb up on my horse. I will take you there. Now. Although I must tell you, it is just a name. There are no more than a few hundred Terrors in the cave. Let us go.

[Elmer Korn]

All right. I say we're going to ride. Bear back, huh? I'll tell you the truth, though. I ain't very good at handling no more than a couple of tears.

[Asha]

You are amusing me greatly, Mr. Cord.

[Elmer Korn]

Gump. So this is a Cave of a Thousand Terrors, huh? I sure wish Achmed had come in here with me. It'd be nice to have someone to hide behind when them terrors start to crank up. But he said I had to come in here on my own. You know, it's been 15 minutes and I hadn't seen a single terror yet. It's kind of disappointing. So far, I guess. This cave will lead to the.

[Narrator]

Stand still, mortal, and listen close to what I have to say.

[Elmer Korn]

Where's that burst coming from?

[Narrator]

You humans are so stupid. I am asha and I am omnipresent. Ayesha, you have come in search of the book?

[Elmer Korn]

Yeah.

[Narrator]

And in order to retrieve it, you must, we must confront two life threatening terrors.

[Elmer Korn]

Two? I thought this was the Cave of a Thousand Terrors.

[Narrator]

If you would rather confront A Thousand Terrors, I can arrange it.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, no, no, no, sir. Two's fine. That's more than enough. It's bountiful.

[Narrator]

Then shut up and listen to what I have to say, or I will destroy you.

[Elmer Korn]

Now.

[Narrator]

First, you will confront a pack of rabid monkeys. Then, if you are still alive, you will find the Piranha Pool. Should you be smart enough to make.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

It across these obstacles, the book will be yours.

[Narrator]

And you will be burdened with the task of Escaping this cave, A task that I will see that you will not complete.

[Elmer Korn]

Well, sir?

[Asha]

Huh?

[Elmer Korn]

There's a door opening up on the side of the cave. It's Lord Monkeys booming at the mouth. Oh, I ain't studying about getting no rabies. Oh, good Lord of coming after me. I gotta get out of here.

[Asha]

Oh, man, Gummy.

[Elmer Korn]

I'm at the edge of some sort of pit. It's got water in it. Oh, sakes, that must be them pay runners. I gotta get across that pit somehow. There's a vine hanging from a bridge. Oh, I hope it holds my weight. I gotta swing across this thing. Here we go. Cross my chest.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

All right.

[Elmer Korn]

Please, Lord, I made it across. Cleared them two terrace at second flat. And there's. There's a book over there on that big stone pedestal. I bet you that's it. Yes, there. Says right there on the COVID the Book of Absolute Truth. Well, I'd kinda like to thumb through this, but I guess I better get out of here. This book don't look very old. Well, let's see. I just swing back over that piranha pit, take a run and dash past those monkeys and get out of here. That's all there is to it. Now, let's put this book in my pocket. All right. I swung over a warrant so I can do it again. Lord of mercy, the roast broke. I'm gonna pull a meaty beef.

[Hermit]

Ah, there she.

[Elmer Korn]

Somebody help me.

[Asha]

Mr. Corn Archman. I will push one of the monkeys into the pool. It should attract the fish. I pushed the monkey in town.

[Elmer Korn]

It's working. Arc man. The piranhas are going to the monkey.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Yes.

[Asha]

Grab my head, my friend. I pull you out.

[Elmer Korn]

Now you got it?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

All right.

[Asha]

Oh, here you come.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, thanks, Hawkman. Yes. Third time you saved my life. Yes, I'm gonna share some of that cord of a million with you.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

No. You will get not one red cent. Mr. Cord.

[Elmer Korn]

Mr. Williamsburg.

[Asha]

What the heck are you doing here?

[Elmer Korn]

Look, look, I found the book.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

The book. Give me that Worth estate.

[Elmer Korn]

What are you ripping it up for? Don't rip it up after you gone out of things.

[Asha]

The book has blank flags. My friend, I fear that you have been cruelly deceived.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

My movie has been ruined. I told you not to interfere when he entered the cave.

[Elmer Korn]

Achmed, what the heck is he talking about?

[Asha]

This is all being a game, Mr. Corden.

[Elmer Korn]

Huh?

[Asha]

The Book of Absolute Truth does not exist.

[Elmer Korn]

What? You mean that mean feller in the barn and the hermit?

[Asha]

Them pygmies, they all work for Sir Williamsburg. Mr. Mr. Korn, this country belongs to him as well. And I fear that I work for him.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Well, you do not anymore. Achmed, you can begin looking for a new job immediately. Everything has been ruined. I'll tell you the truth, Mr. Khorne. Cameras have been spread throughout this country. They are hidden, and they have been videotaping your every move. You want to live the adventure that I wish I could live myself. I told you how much I despise television and movies. But this, this was real. And it was going perfectly until Ahmed ruined it.

[Asha]

You informed me there would be no real dangers, Mr. Williamsburg. The piranha, the monkeys, they were real. They were genuine.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

How can.

[Asha]

He almost died.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

How can you have a real adventure without real dangers? And yes, perhaps, Dick, were you to have survived, Mr. Corn, I would have paid you the amount we agreed upon. But as it stands, you get nothing.

[Elmer Korn]

I'm a 14 karat gold sucker. I was a little suspicious when that absolute truth book was in paperback. And that Asha feller talking to me, that was just you on a speaker, wasn't it?

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Yes.

[Elmer Korn]

Yes.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

But I have an idea. This adventure does not have to end this way. The cameras are still rolling. I could have the endings I wished for.

[Elmer Korn]

What? Get back into the.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Into the pool. Mr. Coy, what do you fight for your life against the piranhas? I will pay you if you survive.

[Elmer Korn]

Well.

[Achmed]

What are you doing?

[Elmer Korn]

Don't shove, man. Mr. Williams, you ain't shoving me back into that meat eating fish pool.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

Get in there.

[Elmer Korn]

Mr. Williamsburg, watch out.

[Asha]

Those rocks are loose.

[Elmer Korn]

You're going to fall into the pool.

[Otto J. Williamsburg]

I'm slivering.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, my goodness. He fell in. Grab my hand. Mr. Williamsburg. Too late.

[Asha]

Too late. Mr. Cordon, you cannot save him now.

[Elmer Korn]

Don't follow yourself. Come back here. Oh, I wanted to punch his teeth.

[Asha]

In, but I didn't want him to get at it. By prana, he was a lost case. Mr. Corden, some people get a lot of money, they go crazy.

[Elmer Korn]

You ain't fooling. The only thing I got out of this is a story to tell the folks down in Biloxi. Yes, in hell. They ain't gonna swallow it.

[Asha]

They'll come with me to the Idiot Cafe, Mr. Gordon. We would drink many zombies and talk about good times.

[Elmer Korn]

Oh, heck, I'm all for it. Watch out for the rabid monkeys. Well, that was our story for today. I. I'm in a bit of a spot here, Eyes. I certainly know what it's like to be caught in a pool of water myself. Our busted pipes have gotten out of control. The water's almost up to the ceiling now.

[Asha]

You may want to leave and return.

[Elmer Korn]

Later when we have this watery mess cleared up. Until next time. Pleasant.

[Chet Cheddar]

You have just heard Chet Cheddar's Tales from the Morgue. Today's installment, Elmer and the Book of Absolute Truth. The names and characters portrayed in this production are fictitious. Any similarities to our persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. A production by MJ Audio Theater.