Tales From The Morgue xx-xx-xx Elmer And The Book Of Absolute Truth

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Tales From The Morgue" - Episode: Elmer and the Book Of Absolute Truth

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Description: Relive the Golden Age of Radio with beloved classics like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, Dragnet, and many more. Gather the family around the radio and immerse yourself in the captivating narratives of yesteryears.
• Episode: Tales From The Morgue - Elmer And The Book Of Absolute Truth
• Release Date: July 8, 2025

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Introduction

In this thrilling installment of "Tales From The Morgue," hosted by Harold's Old Time Radio, listeners are transported into a gripping adventure featuring the unlikely hero, Elmer Corn. This episode masterfully blends suspense, humor, and classic radio drama elements to deliver an engaging story that pays homage to the rich tradition of old-time radio storytelling.

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Setting the Scene

The episode begins with Chet Cheddar, the Morguten and licensed bomber, welcoming listeners into the soggy confines of his morgue. Despite the challenges posed by broken pipes and a flooded floor, Chet's charismatic introduction sets the stage for the unfolding adventure.

Notable Quote:

Chet Cheddar (00:45): "Never mind the water. Just come right in, wade on through and have a spot."

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Introducing the Protagonist: Elmer Corn

Elmer Corn, portrayed as a manure hauler from Biloxi, is initially presented engaging in his mundane task of feeding pigs. However, his ordinary life takes a dramatic turn when he meets with representatives from the state of Otto J. Williamsburg.

Key Interaction:

Elmer Corn (02:20): "Pigs?"

Chet Cheddar (02:25): "Don't chew off each other's ears. There's plenty of rotten tomatoes for all of you."

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The Proposition

A mysterious agent approaches Elmer with an enticing offer: a meeting with Mr. Otto J. Williamsburg, a multi-billionaire seeking Elmer's unique skills. Despite his initial skepticism, Elmer is persuaded by the promise of adventure and a substantial monetary reward.

Notable Quote:

M and J Audio Theater Narrator (03:19): "I represent the state of Otto J. Williamsburg."

Elmer Corn (09:40): "I guess I'd kick myself if I didn't do it."

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Journey to Kashtar

Elmer accepts the proposition and embarks on a helicopter ride to the remote country of Kashtar near India. Upon arrival, he encounters Achmed, the cafe manager at Cafe Idiot, who becomes an essential ally in his quest.

Key Moment:

Chet Cheddar (10:54): "Beware, outsider. Asha is watching you. Cursed be those who anger him."

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The Quest for the Book of Absolute Truth

Elmer learns about the legendary Book of Absolute Truth, a mythical artifact believed to hold the secrets of the universe. Guided by Achmed, he faces numerous challenges, including confrontations with rabid monkeys and navigating the perilous Cave of a Thousand Terrors.

Notable Quote:

Elmer Corn (08:04): "Yes, it is a book or a scroll or perhaps a tablet. It contains the answers to all of the questions man has asked in the past and will ever ask in the future."

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Encounters and Trials

Throughout his journey, Elmer faces life-threatening obstacles that test his courage and wit. From battling aggressive locals to surviving treacherous terrains, each challenge brings him closer to the elusive book while deepening the narrative's suspense.

Key Interaction:

Asha (22:13): "You have come in search of the book?"

Chet Cheddar (22:17): "Yeah."

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Betrayal and Revelation

As Elmer nears his goal, Mr. Otto J. Williamsburg reveals his true intentions, leading to a climactic confrontation. It becomes evident that the quest was orchestrated for purposes beyond Elmer's understanding, culminating in a dramatic twist that overturns the perceived reality of the adventure.

Notable Quote:

Elmer Corn (26:02): "I'm a 14 karat gold sucker. I was a little suspicious when that Absolute Truth book was in paperback."

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Conclusion and Aftermath

The episode concludes with Elmer's realization of being part of a fabricated storyline, leaving him stranded in a flooded morgue. Reflecting on his ordeal, he contemplates sharing his unbelievable tale with the townsfolk of Biloxi, who may or may not believe his extraordinary adventure.

Final Words:

Chet Cheddar (27:46): "The only thing I got out of this is a story to tell the folks down in Biloxi."

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Themes and Insights

"Tales From The Morgue" delves into themes of adventure, deception, and the search for meaning beyond mundane existence. Elmer Corn's journey symbolizes the universal quest for truth and the allure of escapism from everyday life. The episode cleverly balances suspense with humor, paying tribute to the storytelling prowess of classic radio dramas while infusing modern twists.

Notable Insight: The narrative highlights the thin line between reality and illusion, especially in the age of pervasive media, questioning the authenticity of experiences and the nature of truth itself.

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Conclusion

"Elmer and the Book Of Absolute Truth" stands as a testament to the enduring charm of old-time radio storytelling. Through its intricate plot, memorable characters, and engaging dialogue, the episode captivates listeners, inviting them to embark on a sonic adventure that echoes the grandeur of the Golden Age of Radio.

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Note: The names and characters portrayed in this production are fictitious. Any similarities to actual persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental.

Transcript

[Expedia Narrator]

Packages by Expedia. You were made to be rechargeable. We were made to package flights, hotels and hammocks for less. Expedia Made to travel.

[M and J Audio Theater Narrator]

M and J Audio Theater presents Chet Cheddar's Tales from the Morgue.

[Chet Cheddar]

Oh, hello there. Never mind the water. Just come right in, wade on through and have a spot. My name is Chet Chitter. I am the Morguten and licensed bomber. Unfortunately, I'm not a plumber. You see, our old rusty pipes just gave out on us last night. So the floor is full of water. It looks like the rats could not adapt to their marine like environment. Many of them have drowned, you know. Now a story to tell is it looks like one learned to swim. Survival of the fittest, you know. Yes. Now where was I? Ah, yes, yes, we're. We're returning to Biloxi today, Mr. El McCorn. That manure hauling adventurer is out in his backyard feeding the pigs.

[Elmer Corn]

Pigs?

[Chet Cheddar]

All right, all right. Now look here. Don't chew off each other's ears. There's plenty of rotten tomatoes for all of you. And look here, now don't wallow in that. You eat that. I sworn to goodness. They say pigs is the cleanest animals around. And I bound you. They never seen the likes of you. That whirly bird sounds close, huh? Ain't hardly be no closer. It's landing in my pasture. Look at the suits on, the feathers coming out of that thing. Dressed to the nines, shiny brand new leather shoes. That tall one just stepped in a fresh cow patty too. Howdy, fellers. Hello. Did you lose your way?

[M and J Audio Theater Narrator]

Well, if intelligence is correct, this should be the home of Elmer Corn.

[Chet Cheddar]

Intelligence? Well, sir, you got it right. You found it. Did I win something?

[M and J Audio Theater Narrator]

I'm afraid not, Mr. Corn. I represent the state of Otto J. Williamsburg. Perhaps you've heard of the name Otto Williamsburg.

[Chet Cheddar]

Dogs. Ain't that that multi billionaire what bought that Florida amusement park Wacky Land, and then just closed her down like a month later, saying he was bored with it?

[M and J Audio Theater Narrator]

Yes, Mr. Corn, you're correct. You see, I.

[Chet Cheddar]

And I heard his wife took half his fortune in a divorce suit. Ted. Yeah. What a chump.

[M and J Audio Theater Narrator]

Please, do not interrupt me, Mr. Corn.

[Elmer Corn]

Sorry.

[M and J Audio Theater Narrator]

The reason why I'm here is because Mr. Williamsburg wants to meet with you.

[Chet Cheddar]

With me? Jiminy, why in the world.

[M and J Audio Theater Narrator]

I'm not at liberty to discuss the details with you, Mr.

[Elmer Corn]

Corporation.

[M and J Audio Theater Narrator]

But Mr. Williamsburg has a proposition for you. One that could make you a very rich man. It will all be explained to you when we arrive at the estate Are you ready to go?

[Chet Cheddar]

Well, sir, I ain't one for taking off with a bunch of strangers, but. Well, dawg, if you ain't got my curiosity, Ralph and I always wanted to take a ride in a helicopter. Okay, sir, I'll do it. Let me go dust off some of this dirt and splash a little cologne on my face, and then we'll go. Let's try to get back before the wrestling matches on TV, though. If we can. Welcome to the Williamsburg estate, Mr. Corden. Thank you. I trust your flight was uneventful. Oh, it was, Danny. Fine, sir. My stomach took a little turn when we took off, but I managed to keep things now. Yes, yes, yes, quite, quite. This way, Mr. Korn. Sir, Williamsburg is in the activity room. I hear gunshots. I didn't come at a bad time, did I? Oh, no, no, no. It is a Shooting Gallery. Mr. Corn, sir, enjoys a practice session before noontime tea. Oh, I see. Begging your pardon, sir, your guest, Mr. Elmer Corn, has arrived. Mercy sake.

[Elmer Corn]

Bullseye.

[Chet Cheddar]

Yeah.

[Elmer Corn]

Mr. Corn.

[Chet Cheddar]

Howdy.

[Elmer Corn]

We meet at last. Come in, come in.

[Chet Cheddar]

Thank you, sir.

[Elmer Corn]

That'll be all for now, Jarvis.

[Chet Cheddar]

Very good, sir, and might as a. Terrific shooting today, sir. How's the sakes? What a game room. I tell you, this sure beats the that old rickety pool table we got down at the city hall.

[Elmer Corn]

Yes, well, would you believe I'm bored of all this, Mr. Korn. I search for entertainment, and what do I find? Television. Bah.

[Chet Cheddar]

Oh, damn it.

[Elmer Corn]

Emotion. Pictures. Wallowing and sexual excess. Lord, a mercy. I seek a human adventure, Mr. Cord.

[Chet Cheddar]

Oh.

[Elmer Corn]

One with real life experiences. But I am too old. Too old?

[Chet Cheddar]

Now, that ain't necessary. Good Lord. What in the world are you shooting at?

[Elmer Corn]

Ancient pottery. Vases from the Ming dynasty, I believe. Mr. Korn, you wonder why I've asked you here.

[Chet Cheddar]

Well, yes, sir. I suspect it wasn't just to show off your shooting skills to me, was it?

[Elmer Corn]

Yes, that is right, Mr. Korn. There is more to it than that. Very amusing, though I enjoy reading Small Town Publications. Mr. Korn, I came across an article in your Biloxi Gazette recently.

[Chet Cheddar]

Oh, sakes of you read about the mole rants, didn't you? Oh, yes.

[Elmer Corn]

You are quite the hero, Mr. Corn. Well, the peaceful village of Biloxi is overrun by giant mole rats.

[Chet Cheddar]

Yeah.

[Elmer Corn]

Elma Corn rallies forth to rid the town of its plague.

[Chet Cheddar]

Those were mutant mole rants, too.

[Elmer Corn]

You are a brave man, Mr. Corn. A man that rises to the occasion when trouble is at hand. Which is exactly why I have chosen you.

[Chet Cheddar]

Uh, oh, Chosen me for what?

[Elmer Corn]

To find something. Something I have spent my youth and millions of dollars to search for. Which is the Book of Absolute Truth.

[Chet Cheddar]

Book of Absolute Truth, you say?

[Elmer Corn]

Yes, it is a book or a scroll or perhaps a tablet. But I believe it exists, Mr. Korn. It contains the answers to all of the questions man has asked in the past and will ever ask in the future.

[Chet Cheddar]

Oh, I get you. Like would it tell how they make Styrofoam and how they put the cheese in them cans?

[Elmer Corn]

No, no, no. I'm talking about secrets of the universe, Mr. Korn. The answers to the mysteries of life. Have you ever wondered what happens after you die?

[Chet Cheddar]

Well, yes, sir. I try not to dwell on it.

[Elmer Corn]

Though the answer would be in the Book of Absolute Truth.

[Chet Cheddar]

Huh. Well, who you reckon wrote such a thing?

[Elmer Corn]

Legend has it the author is God.

[Chet Cheddar]

Oh, I almost figured that out myself. Listen, sir. Mr. Williamsburg, despite what the Biloxi Gazette says, I ain't no Arizona Jones. You scrape away all the hometown hero junk, and you just got a manure hauler from Belox.

[Elmer Corn]

I would go myself, Mr. Kohrn, but, you see, these feeble legs of mine barely carry me across the hallway. If you would retrieve the book for me, I will pay you a quarter of a million dollars.

[Chet Cheddar]

Oh.

[Elmer Corn]

That is, even if you do not succeed. Sound reasonable?

[Chet Cheddar]

Oh, boy. Quarter of a million? I could pay off my mortgage, have a little bit left over.

[Elmer Corn]

I would imagine you would have quite a bit left over, Mr. Corn. You'd be a fool to pass up this offer.

[Chet Cheddar]

Yeah, I guess I'd kick myself if I didn't do it. I guess when you hold that hefty chunk of change over my head like that, Mr. Williamsburg, I can't say nothing but okay. Ah.

[Elmer Corn]

Excellent. Excellent. Your plane leaves at 5 tomorrow morning, Mr. Korn. It will drop you off in a small country near India called Kashtar, I believe. I have traced the book to this location. You will find an old cafe called Idia. The manager's name is Achmad. He will give you the leads to go on. Have a safe journey, Mr. Cornyn. May you find adventure.

[Chet Cheddar]

This is Kashtar? Well, it's a busy little community. I wonder what this sign up nailed up to this tree says. Beware, outsider. Asha is watching you. Cursed be those who anger him. Huh. I guess this Asha fellow is the local sheriff. Hey. Hey. There's what I'm looking for. Cafe Idiot. Supposed to ask for a fella named Achmed. Now, keep that in mind. Ach, man. Achmed. Well, It's a hopping little jerk, huh? I might order me up a drink while I'm here. I've always wanted to try one of them zombies. Hey. Hey, you. Huh? You with the pale face. Me? What's the matter? Are you saucer something? No, sir, I just come here to. Why you come here? You come to get nice to tattoo pale face? No, sir. Won't I take this knife and carve your name on your chest? Whoa, Nelly. No, no, sir. I'm a bleeder. I want it quiet in here. Don't stop things on my account. I just look who come in to join party. Pale once say he no want I give him tattoo. No, sir. It is no good to give me offense, pale one. Sabu offend me one time. Tell him what happened. Sabu? Oh, I forget. Sabu no longer can talk since he lose his tongue to my knife. Nana. Look, sir, I don't want to scuffle with you. Gemini. I would be leaving this man alone, big and stupid one. The next bullet will be penetrating your head most severely. All right, I will leave. But we may meet again, pale one. And you will not be so lucky next time, eh, Lord, if you ain't heaven censer. Thanks, I'm much obliged. Oh, no. That man was going cutting arches in me with that butcher now. Oh, fool, he was only trying to fight in you. He's excited. I am Achmed, at your service, my friend. Achmed. Well, please meet your acquaintance, Archmade. I'm Elmer korn. Yes. Oh, Mr. Williamsburg informed me that you would be arriving today. You are seeking the Book of Acts, absolute Truth, right? Well, yes, sir, he is. I'm sent to look for it for him. But just between me and you and the lamp post, I'm not so sure this book exists. Oh, yes, yes, the book does exist, my friend. And there are many dangers in finding it. You see, Ajah, the God of truth, looks over the book. He guards it well. Many have searched for the book, but none had lived to speak of it. Only the hermit knows where the book exists.

[Elmer Corn]

Hermit?

[Chet Cheddar]

You must ask him. He lives at the bottom of Canyon of Death. You must be careful, my friend, because the pygmies live at the bottom of the canyon as well. Pygmies? And they have a taste for human flesh. A pale humans are a delicacy, you see. Oh, my goodness. I never thought I'd ask this question. Can you point me the way to the Canyon of Death?

[Achmed]

It's the Book of Absolute Truth.

[Expedia Narrator]

Ben hadn't had a decent night's sleep in a month. So during one of his restless nights, he booked a package trip abroad on Expedia. When he arrived at his beachside hotel, he discovered a miraculous bed slung between two trees and fell into the best sleep of his life. You were made to be rechargeable. We were made to package flights and hotels and hammocks for less Expedia. Made to travel?

[Chet Cheddar]

Yes, yes.

[Achmed]

The hermit knows where the book resides. And the hermit will tell you. Yes, but you must swear and owe some secrecy, my friend. Tell anyone what I tell you now and Asha will punish you with slow, torturous death. Your blood will boil. Your brains will melt. Your eyes will burst.

[Chet Cheddar]

Oh, okay. All right. I ain't gonna tell nobody. Lord. Mister, you're making me sick. Where's that?

[Achmed]

The book is located in the Cave of a Thousand terrors. Certain death awaits he whose spirit is not pure. In order to find the cave, you must go to the.

[Chet Cheddar]

Mercy sakes alive. The spear caught him right in the chest. Wonder where that. I bet you didn't there hick me. All right, Elmer, you can talk your way out of this. Howdy there, fellers. I like that there fishing net you got. Got one like that myself over in Biloxi. Use it in Miller's Pond to catch shad. Now, listen up here. Y' all don't want to eat me. This old Biloxi hat is tougher than a wild turkey. No, don't go there. No. Now, come on now, fellers. Get. Get this net off of me. Get it off me. Now what are y' all going to do to. Oh, Lord. Well, this is a fine how do you do? Yesterday, about this time, I was slopping hogs, and now I'm hanging by a rope over a boiling pot of water. Life does have its twists and turns. Say, feller, listen here, Y' all promise not to dunk me in that stew pot and I'll go kill you a nice big old tiger. Heck, I'll even slaughter the dang thing and chicken fry you some steaks. How's that sound, huh? Well, that was wasted breath. Quiet. Quiet.

[Elmer Corn]

Here, stop those drums.

[Chet Cheddar]

Well, we meet again, eh, Pill one? You're that fella from the bar. Howdy. Where's your friend to save you now, eh, Pill one? How you like now? I take my knife and carve your name on your chest, eh?

[Elmer Corn]

Or maybe you like better.

[Chet Cheddar]

I caught this rope that you are hanging by and you fall into hot water. You not be so pale then, would you, pale one? Oh, I'd sure Druther, you didn't do that. Hey, hey, It's Ach Man. Howdy. Ach Man. Greetings, Elmer, my friend. I see you are playing with the pygmies. Yes, but playtime is over. Now then, you cut my friend down, or I fire at you with the fire stick of a shah. The pygmies will ignore your threats, Achmed. They answer only to me. I am thinking you are wrong. The fire stick has a louder voice than you do, my friend. Germany. Oh, Lord. Yes. Now you are reacting appropriately. I ain't used to such a thing. Now, take my friend down. Make sure that he is unharmed. Easy, boy. Don't drop me in that stew pot. You are. You are feeling alright, my friend? Yeah, yeah. Some jumbled nerves and some rope burns on my wrists. Looks like that's too. I owe you. The day will come, Achmed, when you and I will come to blow from. Yes, that day will come, stupid one. But until then, go find someone else to play, or I will ventilate you with a fire stick. Now then, Mr. Kohrn, you found the location of the Book of Absolute Truth? Yes, sir. The hermit told me it was in this place called the Cave of a Thousand Terrors. But just as he's about to tell me where it said he got a spear in the chest. Oh, the cave. Yes. Well, you are being very lucky today, my friend. I know the location of the cave. Climb up on my horse. I will take you there. Now, although I must tell you, it is just a name. There are no more than a few hundred terrors in the cave. Let us go. All right, I say we're gonna ride. Bear back, huh? I'll tell you the truth, though. I ain't very good at handling no more than a couple of tears. You are amusing me greatly, Mr. Corbin. Dad gum. So this is a Cave of a Thousand Terrors, huh? I sure wish Achmed had come in here with me. It'd be nice to have someone to hide behind when them terrorists start to crank up. But he said I had to come in here on my own. You know, it's been 15 minutes and I hadn't seen a single terror yet. It's kind of disappointing. So far, I guess. This cave will lead to the stun de steel, mortal.

[Elmer Corn]

And listen close to what I have to say.

[Chet Cheddar]

Where's that verse coming from?

[Elmer Corn]

You humans are so stupid. I am Asha and I am omnipresent.

[Chet Cheddar]

Ayesha.

[Elmer Corn]

You have come in search of the book?

[Chet Cheddar]

Yeah.

[Elmer Corn]

And in order to retrieve it, you must, must Confront two life threatening terrors.

[Chet Cheddar]

Two? I thought this was the cave of a thousand terrors.

[Elmer Corn]

If you would rather confront a thousand terrors, I can arrange it.

[Chet Cheddar]

Oh, no, no, no, sir. Two's fine. That's. That's more than enough. It's bountiful.

[Elmer Corn]

Then shut up and listen to what I have to say or I will destroy you.

[Chet Cheddar]

Now.

[Elmer Corn]

First you will confront a pack of rabid monkeys. Then, if you are still alive, you will find the Piranha Pool. Should you be smart enough to make it across these objects obstacles, the book will be yours. And you will be burdened with the task of escaping this cave. A task that I will see that you will not complete.

[Chet Cheddar]

Well, sir. Huh? Here's a door opening up on the side of the cave. It's Lord Monkeys foaming at the mouth. Oh, I ain't studying about getting no rabies. Good Lord of come after me. I gotta get out of here. Oh, man gummy. I'm at the edge of some sort of pit. It's got water in it. Oh, sakes, that must be them pay runners. I gotta get across that pit somehow. There's a vine hanging from a bridge. Oh, I hope it holds my weight. I gotta get a. I gotta swing across this thing. Oh, here we go. Cross my chest. All right. Please, Lord. I made it across. Cleared them two terrace at seconds flat. And there's a book over there on that big stone pedestal. I bet you that's it. Yes, there it is, right there on the COVID The Book of Absolute Truth. Well, I'd kinda like to thumb through this, but I guess I better get out of here. This book don't look very old. Well, let's see. I just swing back over that piranha pit, take a run and dash past those monkeys and get out of here. That's all there is to it. Now. Just put this book in my pocket. All right. I swung over a warrant so I can do it again. Lord have mercy. The roast broke. I'm in a pool of meaty beats, dead. Go. Somebody help me. Mr. Corn. Armand. I will push one of the monkeys into the pool. It should attract the fish. Do it. I push the monkey in. Now. It's working. Armand. The piranhas are going to the monkey. Yes. Grab my hand, my friend. I pull you out. Now you got it. There you go. All right. Oh, here you come. Oh, thanks, Hawkman. Yes. Third time you saved my life. Yes. I'm gonna share some of that quarter of a million with you.

[Elmer Corn]

No. You'll get not one red cent, Mr. Cord.

[Chet Cheddar]

Mr. Williamsburg. What the heck are you doing here? Look, look, I found the book.

[Elmer Corn]

The book. Give me that. Worth estate.

[Chet Cheddar]

What are you ripping it up for? Don't rip it up. Have you gone at embroining crazy? The book has blank pages. My friend, I fear that you have been cruelly deceived.

[Elmer Corn]

My movie has been ruined. I told you not to interfere when he entered the cave.

[Chet Cheddar]

Ahmed, what the heck is he talking about? This is our being a game, Mr. Corden. Huh? The book of Absolute Truth does not exist. What? You mean that mean feller in the barn? In the hermit? Them pygmies, they all work for so Ian's burg, Mr. Corden. This country belongs to him as well. And I fear that I work for him.

[Elmer Corn]

Well, you do not anymore. Achmed, you can begin looking for a new job immediately. Everything has been ruined. I'll tell you the truth, Mr. Corden. Cameras have been spread throughout this country. They are hidden and they have been videotaping your every move. You want to live the adventure that I wish I could live myself. I told you how much I despise television and movies. But this, this was real. And it was going perfectly until Achmed ruined it.

[Chet Cheddar]

You informed me there would be no real dangers, Mr. Williamsburg. The piranha, the monkeys, they were real. They were genuine. He almost died.

[Elmer Corn]

How can you have a real adventure without real dangers? And yes, perhaps death. Were you to have survived, Mr. Corwin, I would have paid you the amount we agreed upon. But as it stands, you get nothing.

[Chet Cheddar]

I'm a 14 karat gold sucker. I was a little suspicious when that Absolute Truth book was in paperback. And that Asha feller talking to me, that was just you on a speaker, wasn't it? Yes, yes.

[Elmer Corn]

But I have an idea.

[Chet Cheddar]

This adventure does not have to end this. This way. The cameras are still rolling.

[Elmer Corn]

I could have the endings I wished for.

[Chet Cheddar]

What? Get back into the. Into the pool. Mr. Coy.

[Elmer Corn]

Fight for your life against the piranhas. I will pay you if you survive.

[Chet Cheddar]

Well, what are you doing? Don't shove man. Mister, you ain't shoving me back into that meat eating fish pool. Get in there. Mr. Williamsburg. Watch out. Those rocks are loose. You put the fun into the pool.

[Elmer Corn]

I'm slipping.

[Chet Cheddar]

He fell in. Grab my hand. Mr. Wesberg. Too late. Too late. Mr. Cordon, you cannot save him now. Don't follow yourself. Come back here. Oh, I wanted to punch his teeth in, but I didn't want him to get at my prana. He was a lost case, Mr. Corden. Some people get a lot of money, they go crazy. You ain't fooling. The only thing I got out of this is a story to tell the folks down in Biloxi. Yes, and hell, they ain't gonna swallow it. Then come with me to the Idiot Cafe, Mr. Gordon. We would drink many zombies and talk about good times. Oh, heck, I'm all for it. Watch out for the rabid monkeys. Well, that was our story for today. I. I'm in a bit of a spot here. I certainly know what it's like to be caught in a pool of water myself. Our busted pipes have gotten out of control. The water's almost up to the ceiling now. You may want to leave and return later when we have this watery mess cleared up. Until next time. A pleasant.

[M and J Audio Theater Narrator]

You have just heard Chet Cheddar's Tales from the Morgue. Today's installment, Elmer and the Book of Absolute Truth. The names and characters portrayed in this production are fictitious. Any simple similarities to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. A production by M and J Audio Theater.