Taxi xx-xx-xx Agatha and Rupert

Summary

Episode Overview

Title: Taxi xx-xx-xx Agatha and Rupert
Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Date: February 18, 2026
Theme:
This episode is a classic radio play from the Golden Age, following the week-to-week adventures of New York taxi drivers. The main story revolves around Red Kowalski’s latest harebrained attempt to leave the cabbie life behind and become a chauffeur for what seems to be an upper-class elderly couple. Chaos, comic misunderstandings, and a surprising criminal twist ensue.

---

Key Discussion Points & Story Breakdown

1. Life as a Cabbie & Lamenting Ambition (00:33–03:29)

• The episode opens with Chuck Edwards reflecting on the relatively carefree life of a New York taxi driver but also introducing his eccentric friend, Kowalski, who often dreams of bigger things.
• Kowalski criticizes Chuck's lack of ambition:
  • "You ain't got no ambition. Your soul does not yoin and throb and pulsate with an ambition to give the world something better..." (01:37, Kowalski)
• Chuck is content; Kowalski insists they're wasting their potential.

2. Kowalski’s New Scheme: Private Service (03:29–06:46)

• Kowalski announces he will become a chauffeur for an affluent couple, answering a newspaper ad.
• The ad's peculiar requirements are read aloud, and Kowalski comically misunderstands "affluent."
• Humorous exchange:
  • Chuck: "Oh, yeah, sure."
  • Kowalski: "What?"
  • Chuck: "Finding nags for the midweek meetin's. Ha ha ha ha ha ha." (02:36)
• Chuck and friends poke fun at his enthusiasm but agree to help.

3. Applying for the Job & Reference Letters (06:46–10:14)

• When the job offer letter arrives, Kowalski is too nervous to open it.
• Chuck reads the letter, confirming Kowalski’s interview.
• To cover up for his lack of real references, Chuck and Myrtle write glowing but tongue-in-cheek letters:
  • "In all the years I have known him, he's been honest, trustworthy, diligent and a first class pain in the neck." (11:02, Chuck reading reference)
  • "A jerk of the first order." (11:37, Myrtle's reference)

4. The Interview with Agatha & Rupert – Hired! (10:14–13:34)

• At the posh home, Agatha Rochester Smythe and her “butler” (Rupert) interview Kowalski.
• He is hired immediately—Agatha notes he’s "just the sucker we need," foreshadowing a scheme.
• Rupert details a ridiculous list of daily chores, overburdening Red.

5. Adjusting to Life as a Chauffeur (13:34–17:27)

• Kowalski is overwhelmed by chores and isolation. Chuck and Myrtle notice his absence from their usual haunts.
• On a call, Red admits loneliness:
  • "Well, this job is okay, but it's kind of lonely, you know. Ain't no one to talk to." (16:02, Red)
• They arrange to meet Red during his daily bank run.

6. The Plot Thickens – Criminal Intent Revealed (17:45–19:07)

• Agatha and Rupert are revealed to be planning a bank heist, using Red as their unwitting getaway driver and scapegoat.
• "While we're in the bank, you may take 10 minutes for lunch." becomes chilling as it’s part of the heist logistics.
• "Tomorrow is the day... a Saturday's takings at Stacy's must be at least $20,000." (18:13, Agatha)

7. Face-Off at the Bank: Kidnapping & Robbery (19:41–24:49)

• When Chuck and Myrtle meet Red at the bank, Rupert ambushes them at gunpoint and they’re forced to join the heist.
• Fast-paced, comedic exchange in the car:
  • Rupert: "If anyone of you so much as opens his mouth, it's curtains." (22:32)
  • "Now we got witnesses... we'll have to go." "You mean... kill 'em." (23:43, Agatha to Rupert)
• They get caught up in a police chase, culminating in a crash.

8. Resolution & Aftermath (25:20–26:22)

• The police arrive and arrest Agatha and Rupert.
• Chuck teases Red about how the police happened to show up:
  • Chuck: "How come the fuzz was so close behind us when you were screeching away from the bank?" (25:44)
  • Red: "Well, every time I saw a patrol car, I just made rude signs to him. He was bound to catch up with us in the end." (25:52)
• The friends reunite, back to their regular lives; Red realizes cab driving is preferable to being an unwitting accomplice.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Kowalski’s Critique of Ambition:
  "Your soul does not yoin and throb and pulsate with an ambition to give the world something better than you was wasting your time with already." (01:37, Kowalski)

• Chuck on Red’s Career Hopping:
  "What's it gonna be this time? Say, how about being a novelist, huh? Or a poet or a pop singer or a motion picture star..." (03:07, Chuck)

• Phone Job Application Antics:
  "Hello, this is me. I doesn't wear cuffs on my pants, only on my shirts..." (08:25, Kowalski, botched call to Agatha)

• Reference Letter Roast:
  "He’s been honest, trustworthy, diligent and a first class pain in the neck." (11:02, reference by Chuck)
  "A jerk of the first order." (11:37, reference by Myrtle)

• Comic List of Duties:
  "When does I get time to breathe?" (13:34, Kowalski reacting to his chores)

• Moment of Stakeout Realization:
  "Oh, no, Kowalski. Here's another nice make you got me into." (23:04, Chuck as the heist unfolds)

• Red on Police Pursuit:
  "Well, every time I saw a patrol car, I just made rude signs to him. He was bound to catch up with us in the end." (25:52, Red)

---

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Cabbie Life & Ambition Debate: 00:33–03:29
• Kowalski’s Plan & Applying for Job: 03:29–06:46
• Job Interview & Fake References: 10:14–13:34
• First Days in Service & Loneliness: 13:34–17:27
• Agatha & Rupert Reveal Bank Heist Plan: 17:45–19:07
• Bank Meeting & Kidnapping: 19:41–24:49
• Police Chase & Capture: 24:49–25:20
• Wrap-up & Comic Reflection: 25:20–26:22

---

Tone & Style

The episode blends slapstick, banter, and noirish wit, with a cast of broad, comic characters—capturing the storytelling flair of vintage radio.

---

Conclusion

Taxi xx-xx-xx Agatha and Rupert is a comic caper episode brimming with old-school radio energy. Through Kowalski’s perennial search for greener pastures, the script delivers classic banter, outrageous situations, and a twisty plot involving mistaken identities and bank robbers. It ends with a return to taxi-driving, proving that the grass is not always greener—sometimes it’s just more dangerous.

Transcript

[A]

At vrbo, we understand that even the best of plans sometimes need a little support. So we plan for the plot twists. Every booking is automatically backed by our VRBO Care guarantee, giving you confidence from the very start. Whenever you need help, it's ready. Before your stay, through the moments in between and after your trip. Because a great trip starts with peace of mind and maybe a good playlist. But we've got the peace of mind part covered.

[B]

We present Taxi a week by week.

[C]

Account of the trials and tribulations of a New York taxi driver. You know, guys and broads, being a cabbie ain't so bad when you comes to weigh it all up. That means like, you can please yourself if you wants to go to work or stay in bed with the weather ain't so good after all. If you don't go to work, that's your own magilla. Somebody else takes your place down on the rank and life goes on regardless. Now, by and large, I is very happy with my lot. I is quite content to go on living the way I is, if you can call this life living. But Kowalski, oh no. Every now and so often he has to break out in his own little revolution, his own personal onslaught against the establishment. Like the time we was down on the right one morning. I was trying to select a few choice GGs for the weekend and maybe make myself a few dollars. But Kowalski was determined to bend my ears like only the genius can.

[B]

It's the trouble with you, Shorty Edwards. You ain't got no ambition. Your soul does not yoin and throb and pulsate with an ambition to give the world something better than you was wasting your time with already. That could be. There you are. You agrees with me. You was content to be a cabbie all your life while the old world goes by around you.

[C]

Yeah, maybe at that you was letting.

[B]

All your chances pass you by.

[C]

You was stagminating stagnation. Yeah, that'll probably show in the 330.

[B]

What is you gonna be when you's too old to wait, huh? Tell me that. How is you gonna support Moidle in a manner to which he ain't accustomed when you has trouble supporting yourself sportin self?

[C]

Hey, that sends a good chance for the 4 o'.

[B]

Clock. So what is you gonna do about it, Edwards, huh? What is you gonna do about it?

[C]

Do about what?

[B]

There you are, you see? You ain't been listening to Whitey's been saying.

[C]

I has to. You've been helping me with a couple of nights for the weekend meeting. Why you Gave me two stagnation and sport himself. Couple of little trials.

[B]

Chuck Edwards, is there nothing better in your life than finding GGs for weekend meetings?

[C]

Oh, yeah, sure.

[B]

What?

[C]

Finding nags for the midweek meetin's. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

[B]

You may laugh and you may chat, but you was gonna be sorry when you has to go on social relief.

[C]

Social relief? What is you talking about? I used to liberate me on the.

[B]

Fact that you has no ambition. You was gonna end up in a poor house.

[C]

Oh, is that so?

[B]

That is so.

[C]

Uh huh.

[B]

I.

[C]

And what brought all this out all of a suddenly, huh?

[B]

Well, I have come to a decision. Uh.

[C]

Oh, here we go again.

[B]

I have decided to dispense with my present occupation. There is no future in driving a cab.

[C]

Okay, okay, meathead. What's it gonna be this time? Say, how about being a novelist, huh? Or a poet or a pop singer or a motion picture star. I could go on for hours, I name it. You tried it.

[B]

If you was not gonna take my observation seriously, I was not gonna waste my valuable time explaining.

[C]

Okay, okay. Then I has given you my undivided attention. You may now proceed.

[B]

Well, I is fed up with having no security. I've been studying this problem with a great deal of perseverance cast with me. And I decided to alter things for the better.

[C]

Oh, you has?

[B]

Yeah. I's going into private service.

[C]

Ye, you is what?

[B]

I is gonna work for the gentry. No more is I gonna hack dumb fares around New York. I's gonna work for one boss. Someone who appreciates my undeniable talents.

[C]

Hey, would you put that in plain English?

[B]

I'd do better than that. I'll put it in simple American. Look, I'll show you this newspaper. Now look at this.

[C]

Wanted chauffeur, handyman. Must be conversant with New York City. A good, reliable driver. One not scared to take a chance in emergencies. For elderly, affluent, retired couple, salary exceptionally good to the right applicant. Right. Giving full details to Box 1223, New York Star.

[B]

There's one word I ain't sure of. What's affluent.

[C]

Ah, that means they got bread. Muller do. So, what's this all about?

[B]

I has replied to the ad and I is waiting for a reply.

[C]

You mean she was gonna wait permanent for some guy?

[B]

If my application is acceptable. Oh, boy.

[C]

Now I's heard everything.

[D]

Calling captain. Calling captain. Come and check, honey.

[C]

Oh, hi, Michael. Sugar. Hey, what's for you this bright morning?

[D]

Oh, nothing special. I just want tell you what a swell time you gave me last night.

[C]

Take nothing of it, honey.

[D]

Oh, Jack, how can you say that? Why you so generous?

[C]

Well, I does have my moments.

[D]

The dinner was real cold and the wine was out of this wild.

[C]

Yeah, I think it was brewed on Venus. Yeah, I said it was real nice, veno.

[D]

Oh, and the liqueurs, they were something else. It sure was a swell evening.

[C]

Like I said, nothing's too good for my sweetie pie. Expense is no object where you is concerned.

[D]

Oh, yeah, that's why I called you. Really? When will you give me back the $20 I lent you last night?

[B]

The last of the big spenders.

[C]

Shut up, you.

[D]

Oh, when I ask you to pay me the money he owes me, it tells me to shut up. A nice thing, I must say.

[C]

No, no, no, honey. No, no. I was talking to peanut brain here. He's on one of his kicks. Oh, yeah?

[D]

What's it this time, babysitting?

[C]

Don't mention that. That's when he ain't tried yet. Okay, knucklehead. Go on, tell yourself.

[B]

Well, Mike, I's hoping to go into private service.

[D]

Kowanski, the private I get, but you couldn't detect a flat tire.

[C]

Nah, honey, he means working permanent. A chauffeur yet.

[D]

5 will get you 10 he don't last one day.

[B]

Okay, you two, don't expect no sympathy from me. When you is destitute. I will look the other way.

[C]

How about that guy?

[B]

Some broads.

[C]

The genius figures he will go into private service. I gotta confess that's one thing I never thought of. Trust Kawalski to find some crazy scheme. You know, I thought we'd been to the Hogabezes. There couldn't be nothing else left for him to do. But no, here he comes up with some scheme which will no doubt get me into another nice mess. Anyways, we finish his work for that day. We gets back to the apartment which we laughingly calls home.

[B]

Gee, Chuck, the mail's been. Look, here's. Here's a letter.

[C]

Oh, yeah? So who's it for, huh?

[B]

Some guy called Mr. Christian? Ain't nobody here that name.

[C]

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. How did you sign the letter you sent for that job?

[B]

Well, I. I said hoping this finds you as it leaves me. Yours very sincerely. Oh, yeah. Must be for me. Oh, boy.

[C]

Okay, go on, open it.

[B]

I can't. They might say they don't want me.

[C]

How will you know if you don't open it?

[B]

Maybe they recognize. Too young for the job, huh?

[C]

Yeah, young. You gotta be kidding. Go on, genius. Open it.

[B]

Chuck, would you as my longtime buddy, do me a great favor.

[C]

Sure, anytime, Red. What do you want?

[B]

Would you open it? Oh boy.

[C]

Okay, give it here. Dear Mr. Christian, as you did not sign your letter with your Christian name, one must assume that your surname is Christian.

[B]

What is he talking about?

[C]

Shut up, Willie.

[B]

I'm reading.

[C]

We have reviewed your application in a favorable light and would be gratified if you would kindly telephone the above number in order to arrange an immediate interview. I remain yours faithfully, Agatha Rochester. Smite.

[B]

They don't want me, huh?

[C]

Less than lame brain. It's a good thing you has me as translator, huh? They want you to phone this number to fix up to go and see him.

[B]

They do?

[C]

Yeah, they do. Well, go on, get phoning.

[B]

Okay, what do I say?

[C]

What do you say? For Pete's sake, play it off the cuff.

[B]

Okay, play it off the cuff. Hello, this is me. I doesn't wear cuffs on my pants, only on my shirts. Oh, if you would prefer it cuffs on my pants, I can always arrange it. Although it is old fashioned.

[D]

Who is that speaking?

[B]

This is the golden voice of Red Kowalski at your private service.

[E]

Are you some nut or something?

[D]

What do you want?

[B]

Well, it depends what you got.

[C]

Get on with it. Jake, tell her about the letter.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Are you speaking in reference to your letter at the moment in hand?

[E]

What letter?

[B]

The one you sent me. The one about me working for you.

[D]

Oh, you mean you're applying for the position of chauffeur handyman?

[B]

Yeah, you got it, sister.

[C]

Not sister, ma'? Am.

[B]

Yeah, ma'. Am. You got it, sister.

[E]

What's your name?

[B]

Red.

[C]

No, no, Christian.

[B]

It's really Christian. But you can call me Red.

[E]

Oh, Christian, yes, of course, I remember.

[C]

Very well.

[D]

Will you call here tomorrow at 9.

[E]

O' clock and I'll assess your capabilities?

[D]

Kindly attend with your references. Is that clear?

[B]

Yeah. You want me to attend to my capable by 9 tomorrow for your reference.

[E]

Very well. Good night.

[B]

So long, sister. Ma'. Am. Hey, Chuck, you gotta help me. She wants references. I ain't got none of them things. What do I do?

[C]

Easy, easy, Red, old buddy. Me and Michael, we write some for you.

[B]

She is great. Thanks, Chuck.

[C]

So, guys abroads Meathead Kowalski turns up the following morning. Complete with references from Charles Edwards, Esq. And Ms. Michael Smedley. It was quite a snazzy place. The old lady seemed to have a lot of bread. Like I always says, it don't matter if you was born poor and dies poor, as long as you was rich in between. Anyways, Kowalski pitches Up and rings the bell.

[B]

Yes, why is Red Kowalski. Yes. Yeah, well, very well, thank you. You okay? You're fine. What do you want? I has come to work here. You the butler? Ah, yes, you. You better come in. Now.

[F]

You, you wait here. I'll inform madam you're here. Aggie, some jerk says he's come to work here.

[E]

Oh, that'll be the dope. While after the ad. Get him in here and don't let on you're my husband. You're supposed to be the butler, don't forget.

[F]

Okay, man, I'll see you now. This way.

[C]

Oh, good morning.

[E]

Show me your references.

[B]

Oh, sure, yeah. Here. You.

[E]

To whom it may interest. I have known Red for longer than I cares to mention. In all the years I have known him, he's been honest, trustworthy, diligent and a first class pain in the neck. Signed Chuck Evans. And the other. To whom it may concern. I have had to put up with genius Karlsky for longer than I cares to mention. Throughout that time I have always found him willing, kind to animals, a very good joe and a jerk of the first order. Signed Myrtle Smedley, spinster.

[B]

How about that? Okay, huh?

[E]

Well, yes, it seems to be all right. How do you think?

[B]

Rupert?

[C]

Rupert.

[F]

Oh, sorry, madam. Yes, quite all right.

[B]

Gee, Rupert here.

[E]

So far so good. Now, as regards your driving ability, I.

[B]

Has been a cabby in New York for how long? Well, strictly speaking, under the circumstances, taking a broad view of the Hokabesus, Give or take a little here and there, a very long time.

[C]

Good.

[E]

I'll take a chance on you. You may start right away. $40 a week, live in, Sundays off. No drinking, no smoking. Rupert here will enumerate your duties. You may go wait outside.

[B]

Gee, thanks.

[E]

He's just the sucker we need.

[F]

Aggie, honey, you couldn't have done better. You'd have to go a long way to find a stupider jerk than him.

[E]

Now, we're all set. We got the bank all set. We got the car, we got the driver. All we need to do now is set the date, go and tell the jerk his duties.

[F]

Okay, Eggie. Say, couldn't you have found a better name than Rupert? Right, Christian. Now listen carefully. First of all, you always address me as Mr. Rupert, understand? You report to me each morning with.

[C]

The car cleaned and polished.

[F]

In the morning, you have 15 minutes for breakfast, after which you will clean all the silver.

[B]

Silver.

[F]

Having done that, you will then proceed to polish the floors, dust the furniture.

[B]

Clean the windows, dust the windows, dust the furniture.

[F]

You will then hold Yourself in readiness to take madam and myself to the bank. While we're in the bank, you may take 10 minutes for lunch.

[B]

I wish the bank could clean the lunch.

[G]

Yeah.

[F]

You will then drive us back here and then proceed to weed the garden and water the plants.

[B]

Where does the bank. And weed the furniture. Clean the plants. Hey, Mr. Rupert, will you tell me something? Yeah. When does I get time to breathe.

[C]

Nice and broads. That was Kawalski's introduction to domestic service. I gotta tell you, the first few days was like a dream to me on account of he was living in. You see, I never had him breathing down my neck. It was great not having to listen to his yak. But after a while, I began to miss the jerk. Okay, so he's living on cloud seven most of the time. And he can drive you out of your skull in 30 seconds flat. Ah, but he's a great guy. It's kind of hard not having him around. You know, me and Myrtle was talking about it in her apartment the following Saturday night.

[E]

Gee, Chuck, things don't seem the same, does they?

[C]

Ah, no, honey, I gotta admit, I misses that big stiff. There ain't no one to yak with down on the rank.

[D]

We ain't got no one to be.

[C]

Rude to, no one to have a beer with.

[D]

I used to enjoy insulting them.

[C]

Yeah, him and his crazy schemes.

[D]

Remember the time he dropped the Staten island ferry?

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Hey, hey, how about that time he appeared on the stage? Oh, boy, that was a gas.

[D]

And do you remember the time he had that fancy no cab?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, and the automatic doors got stuck.

[D]

Then the president of the women's Lip was locked in the back for two days.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, boy, I sure do miss them days. Hey, I wonder what he's doing now. That stupid great jerk.

[E]

Why don't we give him a ring on the phone?

[C]

Yeah, it's a great idea, honey. Gee, it'll be swell to hear his voice again. Yeah, I got the number here somewhere. Oh, yeah, yeah. Here we are.

[B]

Here we are. Six, two, one, four. That's it.

[G]

Mrs. Botch. Is the Smyth residence. Christian speaker.

[C]

Oh, hi there, Ed. How's it going, pal?

[G]

Gee, Chuck, it's great to hear you again.

[C]

So how's tricks, huh?

[G]

Okay, I guess. Yeah.

[C]

How's the new job going?

[G]

Well, to tell you the truth, I been so busy, I ain't got no time to think about it. You know, whether it's good or bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

So what do you have to do all day then?

[G]

Well, apart from cleaning the house, cleaning the car. Waiting on the table and looking after the garden. I has to take the old lady and the butler to the bank every day in the car and bring them back.

[C]

Gee, sounds tough, pal. Hey, you want to talk to Michael?

[G]

Yeah, thanks.

[C]

Here you are, honey.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Hello, Red. How are you?

[G]

Hello, mate. I'm fine. Fine.

[D]

Well, you don't sound it. What's the matter?

[B]

No, nothing.

[E]

Oh, come on, Red. Just talking to your pals.

[D]

What's the matter?

[G]

Well, this job is okay, but it's kind of lonely, you know. Ain't no one to talk to.

[E]

What you mean is just missing up?

[G]

Yeah, that's about it.

[E]

Yeah. Where's Bob?

[D]

Missing you. When's we gonna see you again?

[G]

Look, look. Every day at 12 o' clock I drives him to the Manhattan National bank. We waits there 10 minutes, then we comes back. How about you and Chuck meeting up with me there on Monday?

[E]

Sure thing, Red. We'll be there.

[D]

It'll be great to see you again.

[G]

Yeah, likewise, Boydo. Okay. See you Monday.

[D]

Okay. So long, Red. And take care of yourself, huh?

[G]

Yeah, so long.

[E]

You don't sound so good. Like he's missing us too.

[B]

Gee, poor old Red.

[D]

Anyways, was meeting him Monday, 12 o' clock by the Manhattan National Bank.

[C]

How about that, huh?

[A]

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[C]

Poor old weather's got himself somewhat in a little private stock of his own. You couldn't help feeling sorry for the guy. After all, he didn't ask us to sympathize with him. Which at the time did seem just that little bit unlike the genius. Anyways, come Sunday, which is Kawalski's day off, maid Lamy pays a call on her mother.

[B]

Yuck.

[C]

While Kawalski is so bushed from all his domestic duties, he is flaked out on the bed. Now then, downstairs, Mrs. Bodchester Smythe and the so called butler Rupert is having what you might call a very interesting yak.

[E]

Can't hear us, can he?

[C]

No, no.

[F]

I sneaked into his room.

[B]

He's flat out good.

[E]

All right then. I've worked everything out. Tomorrow is the day.

[F]

Oh boy, am I glad of that. I'm fed up with this buckler gag.

[E]

It's a good thing somebody's got brains in this setup. Otherwise you'd still be peddling dub check.

[C]

All right, all right.

[F]

At least I kept us off the streets.

[C]

Only just.

[E]

Now listen. At precisely 12 noon the cashier from Stacy's will walk around the corner and go into the bank. Only tomorrow he won't go into the bank. I will stop him. He'll be carrying the previous day's takings to deposit. Only this time he'll deposit the money right in our laps.

[C]

What do I do?

[E]

You just stand by the car with the door open so I can get in fast. And Christian, he'll do as he always does. Drive us right back here where we change cars and send Christian back into town to be chased by the police.

[F]

Perfect hagging, my dear. I couldn't have worked without better myself.

[E]

You've got to be joking. Now, we can't afford any mistakes. A Saturday's takings at stasis must be at least $20,000. So we'll go over the whole caper again.

[C]

Well, guys and guy yeses. After having spent a very lousy Sunday with Myrtle's mother. Hey, you know, one of these days I just gonna tell that old bag what I really thinks of her. No, no, maybe I better not. On account of I is not very partial to the inside of a jail. Anyways, as I said, after Sunday comes Monday and after a few fares I gets on the blow at the motor to remind her we asked to meet Kowalski at 12:00 clock at the Manhattan National Bank. She says okay, she ain't forgot and says for me to pick her up at the office, which I does.

[D]

Ay, Chuck, honey, you's right on time for a change.

[C]

Hallo there, sugar. Leave us not dabble in pleasantries. How we is going to see the genius today in poison.

[E]

Yeah, she.

[D]

I wonder how he's looking.

[C]

Ah, you know, the same as usual. 6ft 6 of derelict human flesh with a knucklehead at the top.

[E]

Oh, now don't be unkind to your buddy.

[C]

Well, you knows what I mean. It'll be great to see him again.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Come on, sugar, hop in.

[D]

Okay, driver, the Manhattan national bank, please.

[C]

Sure thing. Right away, ma'.

[D]

Am.

[E]

I hope he's been eating regular.

[C]

Well, of course he has. He's what they calls living in.

[D]

Living in?

[C]

Yeah. That means he's getting three meals a day regular.

[G]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh, I didn't know.

[C]

Listen, if I know Skawalski, nothing but nothing will interfere with his gastronomic intake. Yeah, I said Kowalski will never starve.

[E]

Oh yeah. All the same, I was worried for him.

[D]

He didn't sound so good on the farm.

[C]

Ah, don't worry, sugar. You nose, Red. One day up, another day up, fighter. You'll be okay. Yeah.

[E]

What was nearly there.

[D]

Oh, there you are. You can park over there.

[C]

Okay, honey. Hey, hey, look, there he is. Hi. Hi, Red. How you doing, pal?

[B]

Gee, Chuck.

[E]

Gee, Red.

[G]

Shook.

[C]

Red.

[E]

I see it too, you know.

[B]

Oh, yes, sorry. Hello, Mike.

[E]

Hi, Red. Hey, ain't looking too good.

[D]

What's the matter?

[E]

Ain't they feeding you so well?

[B]

Yeah. Yes, it's okay.

[C]

Aha, Jay. Red, it's good to see you.

[B]

Gee, Chuck, it's great to see you.

[D]

Yeah. When you two finished embracing, maybe we can get down to a little intelligent conversation.

[B]

Gee, sorry, Mike, I ain't seen either of yes for at least a week.

[C]

What is that because you find funny that uniform. Who ever heard of a guy dressed in a mob suit yet?

[B]

This is my livery.

[C]

Yeah, makes me livers to look at it. All right already.

[B]

Go on, have your fun.

[F]

Oh, well, whom have we here?

[B]

Oh, Mr. Lupert, this is my buddy, Chuck Edwards. Yeah, and this is fiance, a 17 year Stan.

[E]

Yeah, don't remind me.

[B]

Ms. Mytle Smedley. Wow.

[F]

How do you do both.

[E]

Oh, charmed, I sure am.

[F]

I'm sure you must both be in a great hurry. Just stop by to pass the time of day with your friend Christian. Well, goodbye. Nice to have met you.

[C]

We ain't in no hurry. We came here special to see Red Christian.

[F]

Well, now you've seen him, you'll want to be on your way.

[D]

No, we ain't going no place.

[E]

We came to see Red.

[F]

Yes, but now you've met him, you'd better be moving on.

[C]

Hey, now wait a minute. Nobody tells me when I has to go.

[F]

Is that so? Well, this is one time when you run, huh?

[D]

Chuck, he's got a gun.

[C]

Now look, mister, there ain't no call to lose your cool. All right, you two, get in the car.

[F]

You heard me, get in the car.

[C]

In the back.

[F]

Oh, and you, Christian, get behind the wheel.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mr. Wilbur, sir.

[F]

If anyone of you so much as opens his mouth, it's curtains.

[C]

What's going on here?

[F]

Whenever you mind, just shut your trap, you'll be okay.

[D]

Chuck.

[C]

Chuck, do something with the gun pointing at me. You gotta be kidding.

[D]

Oh dear.

[B]

Michael.

[D]

Yeah, Chuck.

[C]

Shut up.

[D]

I don't think I can.

[C]

If you don't shut the story down, I will. Okay. Okay, mister. He might or call it earlier we Asian stock. Far enough without you gummed up the woah. All right, Aggie, it's okay.

[F]

Now watch it. Here he comes.

[C]

Okay, I'm ready. Hey, what's going on?

[D]

I think there's organizing some kind of bank robber.

[C]

Right. Oh, no, Kowalski. Here's another nice make you got me into.

[E]

Okay, mister, put up your hands. Hand over that bag. All right, now get moving. Keep your hands up. Okay. Right, let's get moving home, Christian.

[B]

Yes, ma'. Am.

[E]

And don't spare the horses. What are these two jerks doing here?

[F]

They're friends of Christian.

[B]

I couldn't get rid of them, my dear.

[F]

The only way was to bring them about.

[E]

Are you out of your mind? Now we got witnesses. I can't leave you alone for a single minute.

[D]

You'll file the whole thing out.

[F]

I'm sorry, my love. They just happened along at the wrong time.

[E]

The right time, you mean. Well, only one thing for they'll have to go.

[F]

Very well, my dear.

[C]

Christian, stop here.

[F]

Now let your friends out.

[D]

No, you fool.

[E]

I mean we shall have to kill him.

[D]

Oh, no. Help.

[B]

I think I feel like crying too.

[D]

You keep driving.

[B]

Christian.

[E]

Button your lip. Otherwise my pea shooter's lob will connect to your peanut sized brain.

[B]

Yes, ma'.

[C]

Am.

[D]

Check what we got into.

[C]

I don't know, honey. We's in trouble. In spades. We is in trouble. Hey, you hear that, honey?

[E]

Hey.

[C]

Hey, the buzz is around somewhere.

[D]

Yeah, you think they're after us? Shut your traps, you two.

[E]

As soon as we get home, we'll deal with you. So start saying your prayers. Ask Bomb.

[C]

Now, Haggley, you hear that? I think they're after us.

[D]

You fooled your bundle the whole thing again. Me?

[C]

What did I do?

[D]

Christian, put your foot down and catch us up. You're a dead cookie.

[B]

Think I'm gonna be dead either way.

[D]

Be quiet, stupid woman.

[E]

I can't tell which is you, which is the police.

[C]

Hey, you can't talk to my fiance like that.

[D]

Keep going, Kristen. They're gaining on us.

[C]

Hey, tight left here.

[D]

Red, what did you. Oh, look out, Red. It's a bright alley.

[C]

No, it's too early. Is you all right, honey?

[E]

Yeah, I think so.

[C]

Red, are you okay?

[B]

Sorry, I can't stop. I has to polish the bank, clean the lunch, dust the car.

[C]

All's welder dance. Well, the fuzz was right behind us when we crashed. And they took Mr. Mrs. Botcher to smite away for a long stretch. They was a couple of confidence stricters. From way back I read, decided that Capian was a whole lot better than being in private service. But there was one thing that was puzzling me. Like I said to Kowalski when we was back on the rank, just tell me one thing, genius. How come the fuzz was so close behind us when you were screeching away from the bank?

[B]

A lemon tree, my dear Edwards.

[C]

All right, all right, big shot. You was just as scared as we was. Come on, give me it straight.

[B]

Well, every time I saw a patrol car, I just made rude signs to him. He was bound to catch up with us in the end.

[C]

See what I mean?

[B]

Sky and broads.

[C]

You can't win, can you? Well, it all goes to show something or other, don't it? Taxi is written and produced by Joe Stewardson, directed by David Goodman.

[B]

George Carellen plays Chuck Edwards, Red is Tony James and Myrtle is played by Pat Saunders.