Taxi xx-xx-xx As Sane as You and Me

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "Taxi: As Sane as You and Me" (Feb 18, 2026)

Main Theme

This episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio" features a classic radio play from the series Taxi, titled "As Sane as You and Me." The story combines elements of suspense, comedy, and horror, as New York taxi drivers Chuck Edwards and Red find themselves entangled in the eerie schemes of a mad scientist, Professor Karchu. A routine fare morphs into a night of terror involving brain transplants, bizarre experiments, and sly references to monster movies.

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Key Discussion Points & Plot Highlights

1. Setting the Scene: New York Cab Chat

• Cast Introduced: Chuck Edwards (cab driver/narrator), Red (fellow driver), Michael (friend).
• Mood Set: Light banter about horror movies, particularly vampires, and the ludicrous things heroes do in them.
  • Red jokes about being able to spot a vampire in real life and debates how to defend oneself.
  • Chuck and Red’s tongue-in-cheek exchange foreshadows the genre-mixing to come.

Notable Quote:
“Hey, but it takes all kinds to make a town. And in New York, we got them.” – Chuck Edwards (01:13)

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2. Red’s Creepy Fare to the Country

• Red picks up a mysterious, academic-looking passenger, Professor Karchu.
• Karchu reveals his line of work: experimental science—he needs solitude for his “experiments.”
• The conversation takes a dark turn as the professor discusses his interest in brain transplants.
  • He implies he needs a living donor.
  • Red gets more and more uneasy but tries to play along with the Professor’s odd demeanor.
• The professor’s butler, Boris, is revealed to be a product of a failed experiment—half man, half cat.

Notable Quote:
“I am more interested in another sort of transplant… The brain.” – Professor Karchu (06:36)
“I need a living donor.” – Professor Karchu (09:30)

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3. Danger Unveiled: Red Held Hostage

• Inside the spooky country mansion, Karchu attempts to entice Red with coffee and conversation but soon reveals his plan:
  • He wants to use Red’s body for a brain transplant—putting a smarter brain into him.
  • Boris (man/cat hybrid) and Fred (part man, part lion, another failed experiment) stand guard, keeping Red from escaping.

Memorable Moment:
“My brain will be no good to you. I know. It's been no good to me for years. So useless. I wish I could trade it in.” – Red (12:42)
“That is just what I intend giving you the chance of doing… Trading it in. It isn't your brain I want. It's your body he's after.” – Professor Karchu (12:51–13:05)

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4. Chuck and Michael to the Rescue

• Chuck and Michael grow worried and trace Red’s last fare to “Wiltshire Heights,” a spooky Bavarian-style mansion.
• They joke nervously about encountering vampires or monsters and arm themselves for the rescue.
• Moments of comic relief break tension—Michael is frightened by Boris, believing to have seen a giant cat-man.

Notable Quote:
“If any guy with a white face and red lips wearing a cloak comes up to me and says he is a professor of music, I'm gonna shoot first and ask questions after. Besides, I didn't bring my wooden stake.” – Chuck Edwards (15:22)

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5. The Climactic Escape

• Professor Karchu reveals his plan to use Chuck’s quick-thinking brain in Red’s body!
• The three friends locked in the library scheme their escape.
• Chuck uses quick wits: plans to shoot when Karchu enters, creates silhouettes by extinguishing the lamps, and preps everyone to run when the car engine starts.
• Chaos ensues, shots are fired, and the gang escapes just as the mansion goes up in flames.

Memorable Moment:
“I tiptoes out of that library, stepping over the unconscious professor. Then I wonders what the heck I'm tiptoeing for, and I runs.” – Chuck Edwards (23:09)

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6. Wrap-Up and Aftermath

• The group barely escapes, and the police are notified.
• Chuck teases the audience about the “shivers” from what was found in the ruins, leaving the ending deliciously ambiguous and chilling.
• Final tongue-in-cheek farewell to the audience.

Notable Quote:
“Well, I don't want to spoil your Sunday evening so I won't tell you what they found. I'll just say, so long, guys and dolls. And if I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the window.” – Chuck Edwards (24:36)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:13 – Chuck introduces taxi life and sets up the theme of strange people in New York.
• 03:01 – Red lays out his “vampire defense” in comic fashion.
• 05:32–07:18 – Red meets Professor Karchu; discussion of “experiments” begins.
• 09:01–12:57 – Professor Karchu reveals the brain transplant plan to Red.
• 15:22 – Chuck arms himself for the rescue, jokes about wooden stakes and monsters.
• 17:26–18:57 – The rescue party finds Red; Professor Karchu lays out his plan to use Chuck’s brain.
• 21:16–22:58 – The escape plan is hatched as the group sits in the dark, waiting to ambush the professor.
• 23:09–24:36 – Dramatic escape, mansion ignites, and Chuck delivers his final narration.

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Notable Quotes and Moments

• Red on horror movies: “If this was a horror movie, you'd hear an owl hoot. See what I mean?” (06:56)
• Red’s running joke: “Yeah, but I ain't got a brain. Ask anybody. Ask Chuck.” (11:08)
• Chuck’s skeptical resolve: “Basically, there is three guys we have to worry about. One is mad, but bullets can do just as much damage to mad people.” (20:58)
• Chuck’s meta narration: “Now, look, will you two put a sock in it?... When he opens that door, I'm gonna shoot. I'm gonna aim for his legs. You'll see him outlined against the light when he goes down.” (22:19–22:31)
• Ambiguous chills: “Oh, yeah, it gives me the shivers. Just a think of it. Well, I don't want to spoil your Sunday evening so I won't tell you what they found.” (24:22–24:36)

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Tone and Style

The episode masterfully blends suspense, humor, and horror in the classic radio style. Banter between the characters provides levity even in tense moments, and playful references to monster movies keep the tone light and self-aware. A sense of camaraderie among the cabbies is underscored by wisecracks, quick thinking, and a touch of melodrama, fitting for a loving tribute to Golden Age radio storytelling.

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Conclusion

"Taxi: As Sane as You and Me" delivers a rollicking, atmospheric ride with laughs, chills, and a wink to the great horror tropes of yesteryear. The episode is a testament to the enduring fun of theatrical radio storytelling, making it a must-listen for fans of vintage genre fiction.

Transcript

[Chuck Edwards]

Support is available 247 with VRBoCare. We're here day or night, ready whenever you need help. Because a great trip starts with the right support. Taxi. Taxi.

[Red]

The time right now.

[Chuck Edwards]

The characters.

[Red]

You name them, we got them. The scene, New York City.

[Chuck Edwards]

We present Taxi. A week by week account of the.

[Professor Karchu]

Trials and tribulations of a New York taxi driver.

[Chuck Edwards]

Hi there. Chuck's the name. Jack Edwards. Ah, like they say, New York's a wonderful town. Hey, but it takes all kinds to make a town. And in New York, we got them. I had a couple in my cap once who made Boris Karloff and Bellozi. And those guys look like Children's Hour. But with some of these guys, you don't know if they is cooking with. Feisty. No, no. They seem as sane as you and me. Like the guy who hired Red's cap that day. Me and Red was sitting at the cab watching the world go by, waiting for a fair. And he's telling me all about the horror movie he saw on the Late, Late show on TV the night before.

[Red]

What gets me, though, is how these guys can be so stupid.

[Chuck Edwards]

What guys?

[Red]

Well, like last night, there was this guy, see? And he gets to this castle.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah.

[Red]

Now, he knows there is vampires there. Cause everybody's been telling him. But he goes, you know, like he wants to get his. Yeah, Danny, when he's in the castle, this guy comes up to the other guy.

[Chuck Edwards]

What guy?

[Red]

I'm telling you now, anyone could see this is the vampire. This other guy, I mean. But the first guy. Don't see him. I mean, there he stands with a white face and red lips and a cloak and two long teeth in the corners of his mouth. But this guy thinks he's a professor of music. I ask you.

[Chuck Edwards]

That's only a movie.

[Red]

So it's only a movie. I bet if I was that guy, I would have spotted it straight off.

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, yeah? So what would you have done if you'd have spotted him?

[Red]

You mean you don't know? You thought everybody knew what to do if you meet a vampire?

[Chuck Edwards]

No. Well, you see, I ain't met any lately.

[Red]

Well, that's just it, Chuck. How do you know?

[Chuck Edwards]

How do I know what?

[Red]

How do you know if you have met any vampires or not? I bet you'll be like that guy in the movies. You'd think he was a music teacher.

[Chuck Edwards]

All right already, so maybe I ain't the expert when it comes to spotting vampires. Forgive me, if you please. Part of my education has been neglected.

[Red]

And you do not know what you Would do if you did spot him for a vampire.

[Chuck Edwards]

Okay, so tell me.

[Red]

I'll tell you. You drive a stake through the heart. You drive.

[Chuck Edwards]

You do what?

[Red]

You drive a stake through his heart?

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah. T bone or rump?

[Red]

Not that kind of stake. A piece of wood sharpened at one end.

[Chuck Edwards]

Is that so? And I suppose you just happens to have this in your jacket pocket?

[Red]

Well, I guess if you're going out looking for vampires, you make sure you've got all the right equipment, you know.

[Professor Karchu]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chuck Edwards]

And what do you use to drive this stake into his heart?

[Red]

Well, like a big hammer, I guess. You know, Mallet.

[Professor Karchu]

Ah, yeah, yeah.

[Chuck Edwards]

And the guy just stands there and lets you do.

[Red]

I never thought of that.

[Professor Karchu]

Yeah, you wouldn't.

[Chuck Edwards]

Okay. Just hope that you do meet a vampire. He's the obliging kind. You'd have to say, Excuse me, sir, Just a little to the left. Thank you. Now. Now you hold it while I drive the steak through your heart. Okay, thanks.

[Red]

Hey, do you think they really are people like that, Chuck? You know, vampires, things like that?

[Chuck Edwards]

Ah, who knows, Red, like you say, maybe there is people like that. Nobody spots them.

[Red]

Hey, I'd spot them vampires or mad professors or Frank Franken. I. I'd sp.

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Eagle eye Kawalski. That's you Taxi.

[Red]

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, a taxi. Hop in, mister. I'll see you later, Chuck.

[Chuck Edwards]

Okay. Watch out for those vampires. Well, Red drives off with the old guy in the back seat. Now, this is about 11:30, and what with one thing and the other, I don't miss Red till about lunchtime. Then I realized that I ain't seen the jerk since he picked up that fare. I get straight to my broad. Michael. Hello, Michael.

[Michael]

Hello, Jack. I got the tickets.

[Chuck Edwards]

Tickets? What tickets?

[Michael]

For the movie tonight, remember?

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, boy. Yeah. Hey, listen, have you hide from Red lightly?

[Michael]

I'm just gonna ask you. Where is he?

[Chuck Edwards]

Who knows?

[Michael]

Whilst I hide from him, he picked up a bear on the rank about 1190.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, that's right. I was with him. Hey, he ought to be back by now. Where'd he go?

[Michael]

He called me and told me he was taking this man to Wiltshire Heights. Where's that?

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, that's about 10 miles out. Hey, that's a nice fare. Now, he ought to be back by.

[Michael]

Now, though I know the height of it.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, like I said, it's about 10 miles out. You know what all those big houses and mansions are? Hey, I wonder what's keeping the big ape. I'll tell you what was keeping the Big ape. Let's go back to the time he drove off with that fare. He gets onto the road out of town.

[Red]

Nice day, huh?

[Professor Karchu]

Most agreeable. Most agreeable.

[Red]

Wilshire Heights, huh? Hey, you live there, mister?

[Professor Karchu]

That's right. I am afraid my work. I need a place in the country.

[Red]

Oh, that's what you got, eh? A place in the country?

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, nice and quiet, no interference. I can get on with my experiments. Yes.

[Red]

Experiments. Hey, you a scientist?

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, a scientist, A doctor. My name is Professor Karchu.

[Red]

Gesundheit.

[Professor Karchu]

I beg your pardon.

[Red]

You sneezed.

[Professor Karchu]

That is my name. Karchu. K A R C H O U. Perhaps you have heard of me.

[Red]

Well, I can't be sure. Maybe I have. Then again, maybe it was hay fever. Hey, what kind of experiments, professor?

[Professor Karchu]

Well, up to now I have been conducting my experiments on animals. Rats, rabbits and so on. But any day now, I shall be ready for my first human transplant.

[Red]

Transplant? Oh, you mean hearts and kidneys and things like that.

[Professor Karchu]

Others of my colleagues have been busy on those lines. I am more interested in another sort of transplant.

[Red]

Yeah? What's that?

[Professor Karchu]

The brain. Turn in here with you.

[Red]

Okay. Gee, is that your place?

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, it is, if you like it.

[Red]

It was kind of spooky, ain't it? I mean, all those little, you know, towers and things. Those narrow windows, the IV all over the walls. Hey, if this was a horror movie, you'd hear an owl hoot. See what I mean? Gee, I wish Chuck was here. This is exactly what I was talking about. State you. You ain't a vampire, are you?

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, what?

[Red]

No. No, I guess not. Your lips don't look too red. Anyway. I never heard of a vampire with false teeth.

[Professor Karchu]

Here we are.

[Red]

Yep, safe and sound. Now, that'll be. Let me see now.

[Professor Karchu]

Perhaps you would like to come in and have a cup of coffee or a drink.

[Red]

Gee, that's just the way it happened in the movie. This guy said that. And this stupid joke of a hero, he went in. Ah, he was asking for trouble.

[Professor Karchu]

Well, would you?

[Red]

Would I what?

[Professor Karchu]

Would you care to come inside and have a cup of coffee or a drink?

[Red]

Yeah, that would be very nice. Thanks a lot.

[Professor Karchu]

Ah, here comes my butler, Boris.

[Red]

Oh, hi, Boris.

[Professor Karchu]

He won't answer. Boris was involved in one of my earlier, not too successful experiments.

[Red]

Say, he walks like a zombie.

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, doesn't he? Ah, here we are. Just inside with you.

[Red]

Chi. He's someplace, huh?

[Professor Karchu]

Boris, bring us two coffees in the library, please. This way, please.

[Red]

Say, why, you know, they had a library just like this. In the movie last night, a pig with a piano over there. Yeah, you got one too. Say, you. You ain't in the movie business, are you?

[Professor Karchu]

I told you, I am conducting experiments at the moment.

[Red]

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, you told me.

[Michael]

Me?

[Red]

What kind of experiments was they again?

[Professor Karchu]

The transplanting of the human brain.

[Red]

The human what?

[Professor Karchu]

The human brain.

[Red]

That sounds very interesting.

[Professor Karchu]

Oh, it is. All I need now are a donor and a recipient.

[Red]

Oh, you gotta. You gotta. You gotta wait till somebody dies. You use their brains, huh?

[Professor Karchu]

That is what others of my colleagues have done with other organs. The brain is rather different.

[Red]

Yeah?

[Professor Karchu]

Yes. I need a living donor.

[Red]

Need a living donor. Come again?

[Professor Karchu]

I intend transplanting the human brain before death occurs.

[Red]

Oh, I think I better be going.

[Professor Karchu]

You haven't had your coffee yet.

[Red]

Suddenly I don't feel like.

[Professor Karchu]

Ah, but here is Boris now with the coffee. And he gets very angry if people don't drink his coffee, don't you, Boris?

[Red]

Sounds like an animal.

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, doesn't he? So you'll have coffee.

[Red]

Anything to please good old Boris.

[Professor Karchu]

That'S all. Boris. Perhaps this nice gentleman will leave you his milk.

[Red]

Hey, you sure his name ain't Felix?

[Professor Karchu]

As I said, Boris was one of my not too successful experiments during the cat stage.

[Red]

The cat stage?

[Professor Karchu]

The cat stage.

[Red]

Oh, well. Well, like I said, I gotta be going.

[Professor Karchu]

Not yet.

[Red]

Yeah.

[Professor Karchu]

Really, I say.

[Red]

No.

[Professor Karchu]

I've been watching you for some time.

[Red]

Me?

[Professor Karchu]

You. I need you in my experiments.

[Red]

You need me?

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, that's right. As I told you, I am ready to transplant a human brain. And this must be done while the person is still living.

[Red]

Yeah, but you don't need. You don't need.

[Professor Karchu]

You are living.

[Red]

Yeah, but I ain't got a brain. Ask anybody. Ask Chuck.

[Professor Karchu]

Everybody has a brain.

[Red]

I wouldn't bet on that if I was you. And I would like to put you to all that trouble. I mean, I. I should hate you to go to all that trouble for nothing. You don't need me. My skull's too thick and there ain't much room in there. You need somebody really Brainy.

[Professor Karchu]

I have chosen you.

[Red]

I'm stupid, honest. I wouldn't want you to waste your time. I think how mad you're gonna be if you open me up and find nothing between the ears. No, thanks. All the same, it was sweet of you to think of me, but no thanks.

[Professor Karchu]

Sit down. You can't get out the door and windows are locked. Anyway, Boris is waiting on the other side and he hasn't had his supper yet. I wouldn't advise that supper.

[Red]

What do you think I am, a tin of cat food? Let me out of here. That sounded like a lion.

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, didn't it?

[Red]

Boris?

[Professor Karchu]

No, that's Fred. He took part in a later experiment. Not quite successful. The lion died, but Fred lived. He and Boris are great friends.

[Red]

Yes. That Boris is no fool. If I was on the other side of that door, I'd be his friend too.

[Professor Karchu]

Now you might as well relax. We won't start the experiment until later this evening.

[Red]

Look, Mr. Professor, you know, on the level you can find, you can find much better guys than me. Guys with more brains. It took me five years to get out of the grades at school. And they only moved me because I grown too big for the desk. My brain will be no good to you. I know. It's been no good to me for years. So useless. I wish I could trade it in.

[Professor Karchu]

That is just what I intend giving you the chance of doing.

[Red]

Huh?

[Professor Karchu]

Trading it in. It isn't your brain I want. It's your body he's after.

[Red]

My body? My father always warned me.

[Professor Karchu]

I will find an intelligent donor and transplant his brain to your body.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, Guys and dolls. That's what had been happening with Mrs. Kowalski's little boy. Hard to believe. I agrees with you. And I would have found it hard to believe if I hadn't got involved in it myself. You see, it happened this way. It gets to 5 o' clock and still there is no sign of Red. Back on the rank I picks up my phone and am I worried about the big luck. He entered the apartment, he ain't got back. I worried.

[Michael]

Well, I brought the address like you asked me. Irritate.

[Professor Karchu]

Uh huh.

[Chuck Edwards]

This is the address he told you was going to, huh?

[Michael]

That's right. The slush. Bavaria Avenue, Wiltshire Heights.

[Chuck Edwards]

The Slush. Ain't that the name for them old Bavarian castles?

[Michael]

Don't ask me.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, of course it is. Yeah. Maybe he met up with a vampire. I hope he had his steak with him.

[Michael]

What are you talking about? Chuck Edwards.

[Chuck Edwards]

Red was full of this horror movie he saw last night on the tv. And that address just fits in. You know, all them old vampires lived in them old Bavarian Schlosses. We better get out there before it gets dark. We didn't quite make it. What I mean is, it was dark by the time we got there. But the motor come up. I want to tell you, Skys and Dalles, as I drove down that drive towards that house. I ain't never seen nothing so spooky in my life. Oh boy, Was I glad I brought my.38 along.

[Professor Karchu]

Gee, this is real weird.

[Chuck Edwards]

If this was a horror movie, an owl would hoot. See what I mean, Chuck?

[Michael]

Thanks. Scared? Let's go back.

[Chuck Edwards]

We. We gotta find out what's happened to Red.

[Professor Karchu]

Hey, look.

[Chuck Edwards]

There's his cab parked over there. Look, he's still here. Come on.

[Michael]

Wait for me, Chuck.

[Chuck Edwards]

Edward, hold it. Just let me make sure. I got bullets in this thing.

[Michael]

Chuck, you ain't gonna use that thing, are you?

[Chuck Edwards]

Now listen, Michael, honey. If any guy with a white face and red lips wearing a cloak comes up to me and says he is a professor of music, I'm gonna shoot first and ask questions after. Besides, I didn't bring my wooden stake.

[Michael]

I don't know what you're talking about. Let's get Red and get out of here.

[Chuck Edwards]

Them is my sentiments. Pzactly.

[Michael]

What was that?

[Chuck Edwards]

Ah, that was a cat. Ain't you never heard a cat before?

[Michael]

I hide plenty of cats before, wise guy, but I ain't never seen one before that was six feet tall and stood on its back legs all the time.

[Chuck Edwards]

What you talking about?

[Michael]

Over there, look.

[Chuck Edwards]

Ah, that's a man, stupid.

[Michael]

Oh, yeah? Well, whatever it is, I ain't waiting to find out.

[Chuck Edwards]

Faith, get moving. Oh, boy. Let's hope that front door ain't locked. Yeah, I don't fancy waiting for somebody to answer the doorbell while old Board Free here licks his chaps. Close the door.

[Michael]

Chuck, I'm scared.

[Chuck Edwards]

Will you stop saying that and listen? That sound you hear, that ain't the bongos. That's my knees knocking together. Hello. Hello. Anyone to home?

[Professor Karchu]

Ah, you must be Mr. Edwards. And this must be Myrtle. Pleased to meet you both, I'm sure. Oh, yeah.

[Chuck Edwards]

Hi there.

[Michael]

Hi.

[Professor Karchu]

I'm Professor Cartu. Please come in into the library, Mr. Kalsk. He has been telling me all about you both.

[Chuck Edwards]

Well, at least we knew that Red was alive. But I didn't fancy the looks of this guy much. I recognized him as the fair Red had picked up. But now he was wearing evening dress, you know, white tie and tails. And he looked very pale to me. I checked on the lips as I walked past him. They look pretty kosher. Anyway, what was I worrying about? Vampires don't exist today, I kept telling myself.

[Red]

Hi, Michael. Hi, Chuck.

[Michael]

Hi.

[Red]

Hey, this is the professor.

[Professor Karchu]

Hey, Rhett, you all right?

[Red]

Yeah, sure, I'm fine.

[Chuck Edwards]

Okay, come on, let's get back.

[Red]

Oh, if only we could.

[Chuck Edwards]

What's the matter? Why can't we.

[Red]

Boris and Felix. I mean, Fred.

[Chuck Edwards]

Boris.

[Red]

Yeah. He's half cat, half man. Fred is half lion, half man. And this guy is half cuckoo. He wants to do a brain transplant. Yeah, yeah.

[Chuck Edwards]

Don't worry, you're safe.

[Red]

Well, that's what I thought. But he wants to use my body. Oh, yeah, yeah. He's gonna transplant a brain into it while the other guy's still alive. Yeah, yeah.

[Chuck Edwards]

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You was talking crazy talk.

[Red]

Not me. Him. The son of Franklin. He's going to cut open a living guy and take his brain out and then cut me open and put that guy's brain in me.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, yeah.

[Red]

And guess who the other guy's going to be.

[Professor Karchu]

Oh, you, Mr. Edward.

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, that's okay. Me? You must be crazy.

[Professor Karchu]

That's what they all said about me at the hospital. However, one gets used to the insults and of the hoy pollo. No, I decided on Mr. Kowalski's body a long time ago. But I had not decided on his suitable brain until just now. You see, I wanted a very quick intellect rather than a highly educated man. Your friend, Mr. Kowalski was full of praises for your quick thinking, big mouth.

[Red]

Gee, Chuck, I'm sorry.

[Professor Karchu]

And he also told me that you would be here if he did not return. So I didn't even have to go and fetch you. We just waited. And now here we all are, ready to start the experiment. We must just wait until the moon has started to wane.

[Red]

Hey, you ain't superstitious, are you?

[Professor Karchu]

No, but Boris is.

[Chuck Edwards]

Hey, what's Boris got to do with this?

[Professor Karchu]

He will be acting as my assistant.

[Chuck Edwards]

How about that? I don't blame you if you don't believe it. I didn't believe it myself. And if it wasn't for the fact that I still got blue marks from where Michael was hanging on tight to my arm, I'd be inclined to think I dreamed up the whole business. But I didn't. It was happening all right. We had got ourselves mixed up with a crazy doctor. He must have been pretty sure of himself because he left the three of us there in that library while he went to get ready for the operation. Big deal. As soon as he was out of that room, I cleaned all the windows and the door. No soap. The windows wouldn't open. And the door was knocked on the outside. Also, as I tried the door. What was that?

[Red]

That was Fred. He keeps guard.

[Michael]

What have we got to do?

[Chuck Edwards]

And what are you crying for? You ain't in this. It's my head he's got make the holes in.

[Red]

Yeah, mine too. He's gonna give me your brain, huh? I need your brain like I need a hole in the head. What am I saying? No, I didn't mean that.

[Chuck Edwards]

Will you shut up and let me think?

[Red]

Yeah, you're the one with the quick intellect. Use it.

[Chuck Edwards]

Will you shut up? Now then, you say there's three of them.

[Red]

Well, there is one guy, two halves of guys. One half a cat and half a lion. Let me see the. Yeah. Yeah. I guess that there is three of them.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, and there is three of us. And I got a gun.

[Red]

You have?

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, my.38 I always carry in the cubbyhole. I brung it along.

[Michael]

You think a gun will be any use?

[Chuck Edwards]

Why not? Now, look, my little honey, don't let your imagination run away with you. Basically, there is three guys we have to worry about. One is mad, but bullets can do just as much damage to mad people. Now you listen to me. There is a light in that hallway, ain't there?

[Professor Karchu]

Come on.

[Chuck Edwards]

Michael, you remember when we came in, huh?

[Michael]

Yeah, yeah, I remember. There is. It's got idle lamps behind him.

[Chuck Edwards]

Okay? That's right. Now, the same as in here. Okay, now that gives us the advantage. We'll blow out this lamp and wait in the dark.

[Red]

In the dark? You're crazy, too.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, now don't you see, stupid? If this room is in the dark, he'll be silhouetted. So will Boris and Fred. Gee, what names.

[Michael]

Yeah, that's right.

[Red]

So, big deal. They'll be silhouetted. So what?

[Chuck Edwards]

So I'll be able to see them. And I'll have me targets to shoot at.

[Michael]

Shoo. Well, you gotta shoot, honey.

[Chuck Edwards]

You're dead right I am. The police can sort it out later. Well, guys and girls, we did just that. We blew out the old fashioned oil lamps in that library and we waited in the dark. I suppose we must have waited about five minutes, but, oh, boy, it seemed like five years. Michael was sniffing and crying and Red was moaning. Me? Oh, I was scared too, but I tried not to let it show.

[Red]

Oh.

[Chuck Edwards]

Now look, will you two put a sock in it? Now listen, when he opens that door, I'm gonna shoot. I'm gonna aim for his legs. You'll see him outlined against the light when he goes down. Stay where you are. I'll go first.

[Red]

Don't worry, we'll let you.

[Chuck Edwards]

Thanks, Raymond. I said I'll go first. Now, if I run into those other two. What? Whatever they are, I'll shoot them too. If I don't, well, you'll know.

[Red]

What do you mean, we'll Know, but.

[Chuck Edwards]

There won't be any more shots, will there?

[Red]

Oh, I see. And then?

[Chuck Edwards]

Then I'll get out to the cab and I'll start it up. When you hear the motor going, you two come running straight out of here and out of the front door, okay?

[Red]

It's too confusing for me. I, I, I just follow Michael.

[Chuck Edwards]

Now, keep quiet.

[Professor Karchu]

Oak, what's all this? Why have you put the lamps out?

[Chuck Edwards]

Here goes.

[Red]

One down, two to go.

[Chuck Edwards]

All right. Now, look. You two stay here till you hear the cap engine start running. Then you gets outside as fast as you can. I'm going off. Now, I tiptoes out of that library, stepping over the unconscious professor. Then I wonders what the heck I'm tiptoeing for, and I runs. There is no one in the hallway. I'm out of that front door and into my cap as fast as I can travel. The engine takes first time. And I wait for those two to join me. Come on, I'm waiting.

[Red]

I could hear bread coming down the stairs.

[Chuck Edwards]

What are you waiting for to say goodbye?

[Michael]

Oh, we made it.

[Chuck Edwards]

Come on, get inside.

[Red]

Hey, that red thing's in the hallway.

[Chuck Edwards]

I better give him something to slow him up. Come on, Red. Michael, let's get out of here. This is an evening spot about an important morning food. As we got to the gate of that place, we looked back up. What do you know? The joint was going up in flames. Yeah, you see, one of my bullets must have caught the oil lamp and smashed it. And that old wood weight was as dry as a bone. And in two takes, the whole place was going up. Well, I got to the nearest precinct house. I reported the whole business to him. So they sent some guys out and we got home. But, oh, like I said, I wouldn't believe it myself if it wasn't for what the company told us they found in the ruins of that place. Oh, yeah, it gives me the shivers. Just a thing of it. Well, I don't want to spoil you Sunday evening so I won't tell you what they found. I'll just say, so long, guys and dolls. And if I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the window.

[Professor Karchu]

Talking to the wrong Taxi is written and produced by Joe Stewardson.

[Red]

Directed by David Gooden.