Taxi xx-xx-xx As Sane as You and Me

Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: *Taxi xx-xx-xx As Sane as You and Me
Release Date: May 27, 2025

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Overview

"Taxi - As Sane as You and Me" transports listeners to the bustling streets of New York City, capturing the essence of the Golden Age of Radio with its engaging dialogue, vivid characters, and suspenseful plot. This episode delves into the everyday lives of taxi drivers Chuck Edwards and Red Kowalski, unraveling a mysterious encounter that spirals into a tale of suspense and the supernatural.

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Main Characters

• Chuck Edwards: A seasoned New York taxi driver, pragmatic and cautious.
• Red Kowalski: Chuck’s colleague, more superstitious and imaginative.
• Professor Karchu: A mysterious scientist with dubious intentions.
• Boris and Fred: Hybrid creations from Professor Karchu’s experiments—half-cat, half-man, and half-lion, half-man, respectively.
• Michael: A friend of Red, involved in the unfolding events.

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Plot Summary

Setting the Scene

The episode opens with Chuck and Red waiting at their taxi stand, discussing a horror movie Red recently watched. Red’s fascination with vampires sets the tone for the ensuing drama.

Red Kowalski [02:03]: "What guys?"

Chuck Edwards [02:04]: "What guys?"

Their conversation reveals Red’s belief in the existence of vampires, contrasting Chuck’s skepticism.

The Mysterious Fare

Their routine is disrupted when a peculiar passenger, Professor Karchu, hires Red’s cab. The professor’s odd demeanor and cryptic discussions about brain transplants raise suspicions.

Professor Karchu [06:12]: "The transplant of the human brain."

Red becomes increasingly uneasy about the professor’s experiments, prompting tension between him and Chuck.

The Unraveling Mystery

As Chuck and Michael seek to locate Red after he departs with the professor, they navigate through eerie settings reminiscent of classic horror narratives. Their journey leads them to an old Bavarian castle in Wiltshire Heights, where they encounter supernatural elements, including towering cat-like figures and hybrids like Boris and Fred.

Chuck Edwards [15:03]: "Oh, did you see that? What are you talking about, Chuck Edwards?"

The suspense heightens as they realize Professor Karchu’s sinister plan to transplant a human brain, targeting Chuck as the donor. The presence of Boris and Fred adds layers of threat and urgency.

Climactic Confrontation

Trapped inside the library of the castle with Professor Karchu and his hybrid assistants, Chuck devises a plan to thwart the professor’s experiment. Utilizing his limited knowledge of vampires, Chuck attempts to defend himself and his companions, leading to a chaotic confrontation.

Chuck Edwards [22:12]: "We'll blow out this lamp and wait in the dark."

Their tactics culminate in the library igniting in flames, indicating the escalation of the conflict. The episode concludes with Chuck reporting the bizarre events to the police, leaving listeners questioning the reality of the experience.

Chuck Edwards [25:14]: "But, oh, like I said, I wouldn't believe it myself if it wasn't for what the cops told us they found in the ruins of that place."

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Notable Quotes & Moments

1. Red’s Skepticism vs. Belief in Supernatural:

   Red Kowalski [02:00]: "What gets me though is how these guys can be so stupid."

2. Professor Karchu’s Revelation:

   Professor Karchu [06:33]: "Up to now I have been conducting my experiments on animals. Rats, rabbits and so on. But any day now I shall be ready for my first human transplant."

3. Red’s Plea:

   Red Kowalski [11:28]: "I wouldn't bet on that if I was you. And I would like to put you to all that trouble."

4. Tactical Plan in the Library:

   Chuck Edwards [22:12]: "We'll blow out this lamp and wait in the dark."

5. Final Reflection:

   Chuck Edwards [25:14]: "I wouldn't believe it myself if it wasn't for what the cops told us they found in the ruins of that place."

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Themes and Insights

• Superstition vs. Rationality: The dynamic between Chuck’s pragmatic nature and Red’s superstitious beliefs highlights the tension between skepticism and belief in the supernatural.

• Isolation and Trust: The characters’ entrapment in the castle underscores themes of isolation, trust, and survival against unknown threats.

• Science and Morality: Professor Karchu embodies the ethical dilemmas surrounding scientific experimentation, particularly when it infringes upon human rights and autonomy.

• Friendship and Loyalty: Despite differing viewpoints, Chuck and Red’s camaraderie is evident as they navigate the perilous situation together.

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Conclusion

"Taxi - As Sane as You and Me" masterfully combines elements of suspense, horror, and human drama, offering listeners a captivating narrative that reflects the storytelling prowess of early radio broadcasts. The episode’s intricate plot, memorable characters, and thought-provoking themes make it a standout addition to Harold's Old Time Radio collection. Whether you're a fan of classic radio dramas or new to the genre, this episode delivers an immersive and thrilling experience.

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Enjoyed this summary? Tune into Harold's Old Time Radio for more nostalgic radio adventures from the Golden Age, bringing timeless stories and rich character portrayals right to your ears.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Chuck Edwards]

No purchase necessary.

[Red Kowalski]

BTW.

[Chuck Edwards]

Taxi. Taxi. Taxi.

[Red Kowalski]

The time right now. The characters, you name them, we got them. The scene, New York City.

[Chuck Edwards]

We present Taxi.

[Red Kowalski]

A week by week account of the trials and tribulations of a New York taxi driver.

[Chuck Edwards]

Hi there. Juxta.

[Red Kowalski]

Name?

[Chuck Edwards]

Jack Edwards. Ah, like they say, New York's a wonderful town. Hey, but it takes all kinds to make a town. And in New York we got them. I had a couple in my cap once who made Boris Karloff and Belar Lugosi. And those guys look like children's hour. But with some of these guys, you don't know if they is cuckoo at first. No, no. They seem as sane as you and me. Like the guy who hired Red's cab that day. Me and Red was sitting at the cab watching the world go by, waiting for a fair. And he's telling me all about the horror movie he saw on the late late show on TV the night before.

[Red Kowalski]

What gets me though is how these guys can be so stupid.

[Chuck Edwards]

What guys?

[Red Kowalski]

Well, like last night there was this guy, see. And he gets to this castle.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah.

[Red Kowalski]

Now he knows there is vampires there cause everybody's been telling him. But he goes, you know, like he wants to get his blood sucked. You know. Danny, when he's in the castle, this guy comes up to the other guy.

[Chuck Edwards]

What guy?

[Red Kowalski]

I'm telling you now, anyone can see this is the vampire. This other guy, I mean. But the first guy don't see it. I mean, there he stands with a white face and red lips and a cloak and two long teeth in the corners of his mouth. But this guy thinks he's a professor of music. I ask you.

[Chuck Edwards]

That's only a movie.

[Red Kowalski]

So it's only a movie. I bet if I was that guy, I would have spotted it straight off.

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh yeah? So what would you have done if you'd have spotted him?

[Red Kowalski]

You mean you don't know? I thought everybody knew what to do if you meet A vampire?

[Chuck Edwards]

No. Well, you see, I ain't met any lately.

[Red Kowalski]

Well, that's just it, Chuck. How do you know?

[Chuck Edwards]

How do I know what?

[Red Kowalski]

How do you know if you have met any vampires or not? I bet you'll be like that guy in the movies. You'd think he was a music teacher.

[Chuck Edwards]

All right already. So maybe I ain't the expert when it comes to spotting vampires. Forgive me, if you please. Part of my education has been neglected.

[Red Kowalski]

And you do not know what you would do if you did spot him for a vampire.

[Chuck Edwards]

Okay, so tell me.

[Red Kowalski]

I'll tell you. You drive a steak to the heart. You drive.

[Chuck Edwards]

You do what?

[Red Kowalski]

You drive a stake to his heart.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah. T bone or rump?

[Red Kowalski]

Not that kind of stake. A piece of wood sharpened at one end.

[Chuck Edwards]

Is that so? And I suppose you just happens to have this in your jacket pocket?

[Red Kowalski]

Well, I guess if you're going out looking for vampires, you make sure you've got all the right equipment, you know?

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what do you use to drive this steak into his hoard?

[Red Kowalski]

Well, like a big hammer, I guess. You know, Mallet.

[Chuck Edwards]

Ah, yeah, yeah. And the guy just stands there and lets you do it.

[Red Kowalski]

I never thought of that.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, you wouldn't. Okay. Just hope that you do meet a vampire. He's the obliging kind, you have to say. Excuse me, sir, just a little to the left. Thank you. Now, you hold it while I drive the stake through your heart. Okay, thanks.

[Red Kowalski]

Hey, do you think they really are people like that, Chuck? You know, vampires, things like that?

[Chuck Edwards]

Ah, who knows, Red, like you say, maybe there is people like that. Nobody spots them.

[Red Kowalski]

Hey, I'd spot them vampires or mad professors or Frank. Frank and I. I'd spot him.

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Eagle. Ey, that's you taxi.

[Red Kowalski]

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, sure, A taxi. You hop in, mister. I'll see you later, Chuck.

[Professor Karchu]

Okay.

[Chuck Edwards]

Watch out for those vampires. Well, Red dries off with the old guy at the back seat. Now, this is about 11:30 and what with one thing and the other, I don't miss Red till about lunchtime. Then I realized that I ain't seen the jerk since he picked up that fare. I gets true to my broad. Michael. Hello, Michael.

[Michael]

Hello, Jeff. I got the tickets.

[Chuck Edwards]

Tickets? What tickets?

[Michael]

For the movie tonight, remember?

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, boy. Yeah. Hey, listen, have you hide from Red lightly?

[Michael]

I'm just gonna ask you, where is he?

[Chuck Edwards]

Who knows?

[Michael]

Well, as I hide from him, he picked up a bear on the rank about 11 sighting.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, that's right. I was with him. Hey, he Ought to be back by now. Where'd he go?

[Michael]

He called me and told me he was taking this man to Wiltshire Heights. Where's that?

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, that's about 10 miles out. Hey, that's a nice fare. Now, he ought to be back by now, though I know the height of it. Yeah, like I said, it's about 10 miles out. You know, where all those big houses and mansions are. Hey, I wonder what's keeping the big ape. I'll tell you what was keeping the big ape. Let's go back to the time he.

[Red Kowalski]

Drove off with that.

[Chuck Edwards]

Fair he gets onto the road out of town.

[Red Kowalski]

Nice day, huh? Most agreeable.

[Professor Karchu]

Most agreeable.

[Red Kowalski]

Wilshire Heights, huh? Hey, you live there, mister?

[Professor Karchu]

That's right. I am afraid my work. I need a place in the country.

[Red Kowalski]

Oh, that's what you got, eh? A place in the country?

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, nice and quiet, no interference. I can get on with my experiments.

[Red Kowalski]

Experiments? Experiments. Hey, you a scientist?

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, a scientist.

[Red Kowalski]

A doctor.

[Professor Karchu]

My name is Professor Karchu.

[Red Kowalski]

Gesundheit.

[Professor Karchu]

I beg your pardon.

[Red Kowalski]

You sneezed.

[Professor Karchu]

That is my name. Khartou K A R C H, O U. Perhaps you have heard of me.

[Red Kowalski]

Well, I can't be sure. Maybe I have. Then again, maybe it was hay fever. Hey, what kind of experiments, Professor?

[Professor Karchu]

Well, up to now I have been conducting my experiments on animals. Rats, rabbits and so on. But any day now I shall be ready for my first human transplant.

[Red Kowalski]

Transplant? Oh, you mean hearts and kidneys and things like that.

[Professor Karchu]

Others of my colleagues have been busy on those lines. I am more interested in another sort of transplant.

[Red Kowalski]

Yeah? What's that?

[Professor Karchu]

The brain turn in here with Joe.

[Red Kowalski]

Okay. Gee, is that your place?

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, it is, if you like it.

[Red Kowalski]

It was kind of spooky, ain't it? I mean, all those little, you know, towers and things. Those narrow windows, the IV all over the walls. Hey, if this was a horror movie, you'd hear an owl hoot. See what I mean? Gee, I wish Chuck was here. This is exactly what I was talking about. State you. You ain't a vampire, are you?

[Professor Karchu]

Oh, what?

[Red Kowalski]

No. No, I guess not. Your lips don't look too red. Anyway. I never heard of a vampire with false teeth.

[Professor Karchu]

Here we are.

[Red Kowalski]

Yep, safe and sound. Now, that'll be. Let me see now.

[Professor Karchu]

Perhaps you would like to come in and have a cup of coffee or a drink.

[Red Kowalski]

Gee, that's just the way it happened in the movie. This guy said that and this stupid joke of a hero, he went in. Ah, he was asking for trouble.

[Professor Karchu]

Well, would you?

[Red Kowalski]

Would I what?

[Professor Karchu]

Would you care to come inside and have a cup of coffee or a drink?

[Red Kowalski]

Yeah, that would be very nice. Thanks a lot.

[Professor Karchu]

Ah, here comes my butler, Boris.

[Red Kowalski]

Oh, hi, Boris.

[Professor Karchu]

He won't answer. Boris was involved in one of my earlier, not too successful experiments.

[Red Kowalski]

Say, he walks like a zombie. Yes, doesn't he?

[Professor Karchu]

Ah, here we are. Just inside with you.

[Red Kowalski]

Chi. He's someplace, huh?

[Professor Karchu]

Boris, bring us two coffees in the library, please.

[Chuck Edwards]

Please.

[Professor Karchu]

This way, please.

[Red Kowalski]

Say, why? You know, they had a library just like this in the movie last night. A pig with a piano over there. Yeah, you got one too. Say, you, you ain't in the movie business, are you?

[Professor Karchu]

I told you, I am conducting experiments at the moment.

[Red Kowalski]

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, you told me.

[Chuck Edwards]

Me?

[Red Kowalski]

What kind of experiments was they again?

[Professor Karchu]

The transplanting of the human brain.

[Red Kowalski]

The human what?

[Professor Karchu]

The human brain.

[Red Kowalski]

That sounds very interesting.

[Professor Karchu]

Oh, it is. All I need now are a donor and a recipient.

[Red Kowalski]

Oh, you gotta, you gotta. You gotta wait till somebody dies. You use the brains, huh?

[Professor Karchu]

That is what others of my colleagues have done with other organs. The brain is rather different.

[Red Kowalski]

Yeah. Yes.

[Professor Karchu]

I need a living donor.

[Red Kowalski]

Need a living donor. Come again?

[Professor Karchu]

I intend transplanting the human brain before death occurs.

[Red Kowalski]

Oh, I think I better be going.

[Professor Karchu]

You haven't had your coffee yet.

[Red Kowalski]

Suddenly I don't feel like.

[Professor Karchu]

But here is Boris now with the coffee. And he gets very angry if people don't drink his coffee, don't you, Boris?

[Red Kowalski]

Sounds like an animal.

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, doesn't he?

[Red Kowalski]

So you'll have coffee, Anything to please good old Boris.

[Chuck Edwards]

That's all.

[Professor Karchu]

Boris. Perhaps this nice gentleman will leave you his mil.

[Red Kowalski]

Hey, sure his name ain't Felix.

[Professor Karchu]

As I said, Boris was one of my not too successful experiments during the cat stage.

[Red Kowalski]

The cat stage?

[Chuck Edwards]

The cat stage.

[Red Kowalski]

Oh, well, well, like I said, I got to be going.

[Professor Karchu]

Not yet.

[Red Kowalski]

Yeah, really.

[Chuck Edwards]

I say.

[Red Kowalski]

No.

[Professor Karchu]

I've been watching you for some time.

[Red Kowalski]

Me?

[Professor Karchu]

You. I need you in my experiments.

[Red Kowalski]

You. You need me?

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, that's right. As I told you, I am ready to transplant a human brain. And this must be done while the person is still living.

[Red Kowalski]

Yeah, but you don't need. You don't need.

[Professor Karchu]

You are living.

[Red Kowalski]

Yeah, but I, I, I ain't got a brain. Ask anybody. Ask Chuck. Ask.

[Professor Karchu]

Everybody has a brain.

[Red Kowalski]

I wouldn't bet on that if I was you. And I would like to put you to all that trouble. I mean, I should hate you to go to all that trouble for nothing. You don't need me. My skull's too thick and there ain't much room in there. You need somebody really. Brainy.

[Chuck Edwards]

I have chosen you.

[Red Kowalski]

I'm stupid, honest. I wouldn't want you to waste your time. Think how mad you're going to be if you open me up and find nothing between the ears. No, thanks. All the same. It was sweet of you to think of me. No thanks.

[Professor Karchu]

Sit down. You can't get out the door and windows are locked. Anyway, Boris is waiting on the other side and he hasn't had his supper yet. I wouldn't advise that.

[Red Kowalski]

Supper? What do you think I am, a tin of cat food? Let me out of here. That sounded like a lion.

[Professor Karchu]

Yes, didn't it, Boris? No, that's Fred. He took part in a later experiment. Not quite successful. The lion died, but Fred lived. He and Boris are great friends.

[Red Kowalski]

Yeah, that Boris is no fool. If I was on the other side of that door, I'd be his friend too.

[Professor Karchu]

Now you might as well relax. We won't start the experiment until later this evening.

[Red Kowalski]

Look, Mr. Professor, you know, on the level you can find, you can find much better guys than me. Guys with more brains. It took me five years to get out of the grades at school. And they only moved me because I grown too big for the desk. My brain will be no good to you. I know. It's been no good to me for years. So useless. I wish I could trade it in.

[Professor Karchu]

That is just.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Chuck Edwards]

No purchase necessary.

[Red Kowalski]

Dwight.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Prohibited by law. See terms and conditions.

[Red Kowalski]

18 plus packages by Expedia. You were made to be rechargeable. We were made to package flights, hotels and hammocks for less.

[Professor Karchu]

Expedia made to travel what I intend giving you the chance of doing.

[Red Kowalski]

Huh?

[Professor Karchu]

Trading it in. It isn't your braid I want. It's your body he's after.

[Red Kowalski]

My body? My father always warned me.

[Professor Karchu]

I will find an intelligent donor and transplant his brain to your body.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, Guys and dolls. That's what had been happening with Mrs. Kowalski's little boy. Hard to believe. I agrees with you. And I would have found it hard to believe if I hadn't got involved in it myself. You see, it happened this way. It gets to 5 o' clock and still there is no sign of Red. Back on the rank, I picked up my phone and am I worried about the big luck. He entered the apartment, he ain't got back. I worried.

[Michael]

Well, I brought the address like you asked me. Irritate?

[Red Kowalski]

Uh huh.

[Chuck Edwards]

This is the address he told you was going to, huh?

[Michael]

That's right. The slush. Bavaria Avenue, Wiltshire Heights.

[Chuck Edwards]

The Slosh. Ain't that the name for them old Bavarian castles?

[Michael]

Don't ask me.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, of course it is. Yeah. Maybe he met up with a vampire. I hope he had his fate with him.

[Michael]

What are you talking about, Chuck Edwards?

[Chuck Edwards]

Red was full of this horror movie he saw last night on the tv. And that address just fits in. You know, all them old vampires lived in them old Bavarian schlosses. We better get out there before it gets dark. We didn't quite make it. What I mean is, it was dark by the time we got there. But the motor come up. I want to tell you, as I drove down that drive towards that house, I ain't never seen nothing so spooky in my life. Oh boy, was I glad I brought my.38 along. Gee, this is real weird. If this was a horror movie, an owl would hoot. See what I mean, Chuck?

[Michael]

I'm scared. Well, let's go back.

[Chuck Edwards]

We can't. We gotta find out what's happened to Red. Hey, look, there's his cab pumped over there. Look, he's still here. Come on.

[Michael]

Wait for me.

[Chuck Edwards]

Chuck.

[Michael]

Eggman.

[Chuck Edwards]

Hold it. Just let me make sure I got bullets in this thing.

[Michael]

Chuck, you ain't gonna use that thing, are ya?

[Chuck Edwards]

Now listen, mortal honey. If any guy with a white face and red lips wearing a cloak comes up to me and says he is a professor of music, I'm gonna shoot first and ask questions after. Besides, I didn't bring my wooden stake.

[Michael]

I don't know what you're talking about. Let's get. We can get out of here.

[Chuck Edwards]

Them is my sentiments perfect.

[Michael]

What was that?

[Chuck Edwards]

Ah, that was a cat. Ain't you never heard a cat before?

[Michael]

I had plenty of cats before, wise guy, but I ain't never seen one before that was six feet tall and stood on its back legs all the time.

[Chuck Edwards]

What you talking about?

[Michael]

Over there, Look.

[Chuck Edwards]

Ah, that's a man, stupid.

[Michael]

Oh yeah? Well, whatever it is, I ain't waiting to find out, Faith. Get moving.

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, boy. Let's hope that front door ain't locked. Yeah, I don't fancy waiting for somebody to answer the doorbell while old Boyd free here licks his chaps. Close the door.

[Red Kowalski]

Chuck.

[Michael]

I'm scared.

[Chuck Edwards]

Will you stop saying that and listen? That sound you hear, that ain't the bongos. That's my knees knocking together. Hello? Hello? Anyone to home?

[Professor Karchu]

Ah, you must be Mr. Edwards. And this must be Myrtle. Pleased to meet you both, I'm sure.

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, yeah. Hi there.

[Michael]

Hi.

[Professor Karchu]

I'm Professor Cartu. Please come in into the library. Mr. Krowalski has been telling me all, all about you. Boo.

[Chuck Edwards]

Well, at least we knew that Red was alive. But I didn't fancy the looks of this guy much. I recognized him as the fair Red had picked up. But now he was wearing evening dress, you know, white tie and tails. And he looked very pale to me. I checked on the lips as I walked past him. They look pretty kosher. Anyway, what was I worrying about? Vampires don't exist today, I kept telling myself.

[Red Kowalski]

Hi, Michael. Hi, Chuck. Hey, this is the professor.

[Chuck Edwards]

Hey, Red, you all right?

[Red Kowalski]

Yeah, sure, I'm fine.

[Chuck Edwards]

Okay, come on, let's get back.

[Red Kowalski]

Oh, if only we could.

[Chuck Edwards]

What's the matter? Why can't we?

[Red Kowalski]

Boris and Felix. I mean, Fred.

[Chuck Edwards]

Boris.

[Red Kowalski]

Yeah. He's half cat, half man. Fred is half lion, half man, half. And this guy is half cuckoo. He wants to do a brain transplant. Yeah, yeah.

[Chuck Edwards]

Don't worry, you're safe.

[Red Kowalski]

Well, that's what I thought. But he wants to use my body.

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Red Kowalski]

He's gonna transplant a brain into it while the other guy's still alive. Yeah, yeah.

[Chuck Edwards]

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You was talking crazy talk.

[Red Kowalski]

Not me. Him. The son of Franklin. He's gonna cut open a living guy and take his brain out and then cut me open and put that guy's brain in me.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, yeah.

[Red Kowalski]

And guess who the other guy's gonna be.

[Professor Karchu]

Oh, you, Mr. Edward.

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh, that's okay.

[Red Kowalski]

Me?

[Chuck Edwards]

You must be crazy.

[Professor Karchu]

That's what they all said about me at the hospital. However, one gets used to the insults of the hoi polloi. No, I decided on Mr. Kowalski's body long time ago. But I had not decided on a suitable brain until just now. You see, I wanted a very quick intellect rather than a highly educated man. Your friend Mr. Kowalski was full of praises for your quick thinking, big mouth.

[Red Kowalski]

Gee, Chuck, I'm sorry.

[Professor Karchu]

And he also told me that you would be here if he did not return. So I didn't even have to go and fetch you. We just waited. And now here we all are, ready to start. Start the experiment. We must just wait until the moon has started to wane.

[Red Kowalski]

Hey, you ain't superstitious, are you?

[Professor Karchu]

No, but Boris is.

[Chuck Edwards]

Hey, what's Boris got to do with this?

[Professor Karchu]

He will be acting as my assistant.

[Chuck Edwards]

How about that? I don't blame you if you're believe it. I didn't believe it myself. And if it wasn't for the fact that I still got blue marks from where Michael was hanging on tight to my arm, I'd be inclined to think I dreamed up the whole business. But I didn't. It was happening all right. We had got ourselves mixed up with a crazy doctor. He must have been pretty sure of himself because he left the three of us there in that library while he went to get ready for the operation, huh? Big deal. As soon as he was out of that room, I turned all the windows the door. No soap.

[Professor Karchu]

The windows wouldn't open.

[Chuck Edwards]

And the door was knocked on the outside also as I tried the door. What was that?

[Red Kowalski]

That was Fred. He keeps. God, what are we gonna do?

[Chuck Edwards]

And what are you crying for? You ain't in this. It's my head. He's gonna make the halt him.

[Red Kowalski]

Yeah, mine too. He's gonna give me your brain. I need your brain like I need a hole in the head. What am I saying? No, I didn't mean that.

[Chuck Edwards]

Will you shut up and let me think?

[Red Kowalski]

Yeah, you're the one with the quick intellect. Use it well.

[Chuck Edwards]

You shut up. Now then, you say there's three of them.

[Red Kowalski]

Well, there is one guy, two halves of guys. One. Half a cat and half a lion. Let me see now. Yeah, I guess there is three of them.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, and there is three of us. And I got a gun.

[Red Kowalski]

You have?

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, my.38 I always carry in the cubbyhole. I brung it along.

[Michael]

You think a gun will be any use?

[Chuck Edwards]

Why not? Now look, Mythle, honey, Don't let your imagination run away with you. Basically, there is three guys we have to worry about. One is mad, but bullets can do just as much damage to mad people. Now you listen to me. There is a light in that hallway, ain't there?

[Red Kowalski]

Come on.

[Chuck Edwards]

Michael, you remember when we came in, huh?

[Michael]

Yeah, yeah, I remember. There is. It's got oil lamps.

[Chuck Edwards]

Okay? That's right. Now the same as in here. Okay. Now that gives us the advantage. We'll blow out this lamp and wait in the dark.

[Red Kowalski]

In the dark, you're crazy too.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah. Now don't you see, stupid? If this room is in the dark, he'll be silhouetted. So will Boris and Fred. Gee, what names.

[Michael]

Yeah, that's why.

[Red Kowalski]

So big deal. They'll be silhouetted. So what?

[Chuck Edwards]

So I'll be able to see him. And I'll have me targets to shoot at.

[Michael]

Shoe. You got a shoe?

[Chuck Edwards]

Honey, you're dead right I am. The police can sort it out later. Well, guys and girls, we did just that. We blew out the old fashioned oil lamps in that library and we waited in the dark. I suppose we must have waited about five minutes, but oh boy, it seemed like five years. Michael was sniffing and crying and Red was moaning. Me, I was scared too, but I tried not to let it show. O o now will you two put a sock in it. Now listen, when he opens that door, I'm gonna shoot. I'm gonna aim for his legs. You'll see him outlined against the light when he goes down. Stay where you are. I'll go first.

[Red Kowalski]

Don't worry, we'll let you.

[Chuck Edwards]

Thanks, Raymond. I said I'll go first. Now, if I run into those other two. What? Whatever they are, I'll shoot them too. If I don't, well, you'll know.

[Red Kowalski]

What do you mean we'll know?

[Chuck Edwards]

Well, there won't be any more shots, will there?

[Red Kowalski]

Oh, I see. And then?

[Chuck Edwards]

Then I'll get out to the cab and I'll start it up. When you hear the motor going, you two come running straight out of here and out of the front door. Okay?

[Red Kowalski]

It's too confusing for me. I, I, I just follow Michael.

[Chuck Edwards]

Now keep quiet.

[Professor Karchu]

What's all this? Why have you put the lamps out?

[Chuck Edwards]

Here goes.

[Red Kowalski]

One down, two to go.

[Chuck Edwards]

All right. Now look, you two stay here till you hear the cap engine start running. Then you gets outside as fast as you can. I'm going off. Now, I tiptoes out of that library, stepping over the unconscious professor. Then I wonders what the heck I'm tiptoeing for and I runs. There is no one in the hallway. I'm out of that front door and into my camp as fast as I can travel. The engine takes first time and I wait for those two to join me. Come on, I'm waiting.

[Red Kowalski]

I could hear Fred coming down the stairs.

[Chuck Edwards]

What are you waiting for to say goodbye?

[Michael]

Oh, we made it.

[Chuck Edwards]

Come on, get inside.

[Red Kowalski]

Hey, sir, that Fred tried things in the hallway.

[Chuck Edwards]

I better give him something to slow him up. Come on, Red. Michael, let's get out of here. This is an evening spot about an important morning food. As we got to the gate of that place, we look back on, what do you know? The joint was going up in flames. Yeah, you see, one of my bullets must have caught the oil lamp and smashed it. And that old woodwork was as dry as a bone. And in two ticks, the whole place was going up. Well, I got to the nearest precinct house. I reported the whole business to him. So they sent some guys out and we got home. But, oh, like I said, I wouldn't believe it myself if it wasn't for what the cops told us they found in the ruins of that place. Oh, yeah, it gives me the shivers just to think of it. Well, I don't want to spoil your Sunday evening, so I won't tell you what they found. I'll just say, so long, guys and dolls. And if I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the.

[Red Kowalski]

Window talking to the robbers. Taxi is written and produced by Joey Stewardson. Directed by David Gooden.

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[Red Kowalski]

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