Taxi xx-xx-xx Craps Game at the Car Wash

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Taxi xx-xx-xx Craps Game at the Car Wash
Date: February 18, 2026
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio

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Episode Overview

This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio revisits a classic "Taxi" story from the golden age of radio, centered on the chaotic day of cabbie Red, who gets tangled up in a high-stakes craps game and an even zanier baby-sitting job that takes an unexpected legal twist. The main theme is the misadventures of working-class New Yorkers, blending humor, wit, and a bit of crime, all delivered in the series’ trademark snappy dialogue.

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Key Discussion Points & Storyline Breakdown

1. Red’s Gambling Woes

• Setting the Scene:
  • New York taxi drivers gather, dealing with their everyday problems. Chuck Edwards, the main narrator, encounters Red, who is clearly distressed.
• Red’s Problem Revealed:
  • Red lost his cab payment money in a craps game held at the car wash—a legendary spot where, as Chuck puts it, "that's where the cabs we drive are washed and that's where the drivers get soaked" ([02:05]).
• Humorous Banter:
  • Chuck gives Red a hard time for being duped:
    • “You stupid, lame brain. Haven’t I told you about those guys?” ([04:04])
    • Red, deadpan: “Well, I figured I'm no grandmother, so therefore I am not eligible.” ([04:15])
• Desperation for a Solution:
  • Red admits he has nothing left but a nickel and owes $85 for the cab by 3:00 PM ([06:33]).
  • The team tries, and fails, to borrow money to bail Red out.

2. An Unusual Fare

• Unexpected Opportunity:
  • A woman approaches Red, asking him to drive her baby around Central Park for two hours, paying $100 ([10:10-10:44]).
  • Red is incredulous but takes the job, immediately heading to the credit company to pay off his debt ([11:17]):
    • “Gee, 100 clams. Wait till Chuck hears about this. A hundred smackers for minding a baby.” ([10:44])

3. Keeping the Baby Happy

• Comedic Escalation:
  • Driving the baby around works… until the mother doesn’t return. Each time the cab stops, the baby cries, leading Red to drive around the block repeatedly ([13:56, 16:14]).
  • Chuck and Michael (the dispatcher) discuss baby care, debating what to feed the child.
• Banter & Ignorance:
  • Chuck: “You does not buy hamburgers for babies.” ([14:03])
  • Red: “I don’t expect him to eat it all. I’ll finish what’s left.”
  • Michael wonders about the suspiciousness of a nurse paying a cabbie $100, “The mother's either loaded or a nut. A hundred bucks to mate a baby.” ([15:17])

4. Arrested for Kidnapping

• Police Mishap:
  • A police lieutenant confronts Red, suspecting him of kidnapping ([19:49-21:48]):
    • Red, bewildered, pleads the fifth amendment repeatedly.
    • Michael, on the radio: “I'm under arrest.” ([21:10])
• Chuck Returns with the Baby:
  • Chuck arrives at the station with the baby and the story is sorted out, thanks in part to the nurse, who vouches for the cabbies' integrity ([22:29-24:40]).
  • The misunderstanding is cleared, but not before much confusion and classic one-liners:
    • Red: “I got a lot of living to do.” ([21:45])

5. The Twist & Epilogue

• The Nurse’s Scheme Revealed:
  • The nurse had orchestrated the whole situation to sue the police for wrongful arrest, but the judge outsmarts her, giving her three months instead ([25:30-end]).
• Narrator's Sign-off:
  • Chuck closes with “Remember, if I don’t see you through the week, I’ll see you through the window,” maintaining the show’s catchphrase charm.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Comic Banter:
  • Chuck: “They took you to the cleaners, huh?”
    Red: “No, I lost all my money.” ([04:01])
  • Red: “You want me to die of starvation?”
    Chuck: “I don’t care how you do it. Just get on with it.” ([08:19])
• Pop Culture Reference:
  • The nurse’s identity confusion:
    Red: “I knew I seen you someplace before. On television maybe, huh?” ([23:13])
• Legal Confusion:
  • Red, after being arrested: “I'll get him to issue a writ of corpus delicti.” ([22:41])
• Final Plot Twist:
  • Chuck (narration): “Meantime, it's as safe as a Havana with a non smoker. Oh, yeah, that noise was some schema.” ([25:30])

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Red admits losing the money in craps: [03:46-04:01]
• Red gets the baby-sitting job: [09:44-10:44]
• Baby starts crying when car stops, mother absent: [13:51-16:14]
• Red arrested for kidnapping: [19:49-21:48]
• Clearing up at Police Station: [22:29-24:40]
• Epilogue, nurse’s scheme revealed: [25:30-end]

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Tone and Style

• The dialogue is brisk, witty, and full of classic New York sarcasm.
• The camaraderie and ribbing among cabbies is central, giving a real sense of period authenticity and humor.

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For Listeners

This episode is a prime example of golden age radio comedy: fast-paced, full of twists, and driven by memorable banter. Even those new to old-time radio will find delight in the story’s unfolding chaos and the endearing, clueless characters who somehow manage to muddle through. A sharp, funny caper about a bad bet, an unlikely babysitting gig, and the perils of being too generous for your own good.

Transcript

[A]

From Geico Subconscious News, I'm Tammy. Racing thoughts tonight. You just left for work and had a non specific feeling that something was happening to your place and it wasn't good, Dan.

[B]

Exactly, Tammy. It could be smoke damage, theft or just too much caffeine, but you can't stop thinking about it.

[A]

But with renters insurance through GEICO, your stuff is covered so you don't have to worry.

[B]

And that's great because the weekend is coming up and it's chock full of social obligations that are ready to fill that void.

[A]

Oh boy, will they, dad? It feels good to worry less. It feels good to Geico.

[C]

Taxi. Taxi. Taxi.

[D]

The time right now. The characters, you name them, we got them. The scene New York City.

[C]

We present Taxi a week by week account of the trials and tribulations of a New York taxi driver. Mum, if you could buy a big.

[D]

Big roll of towel without paying more.

[E]

You would, wouldn't you?

[C]

Then buy Carlton Carlton towels, give you 28% more roller towel at no extra cost. Remember the name Carlton.

[F]

This is an evening spot about an important morning food. We know your family is the number one family in your life. That's why we say it's important to give them South Africa's number one Wheaten breakfast. Wheat Bix. There's whole wheat energy for the whole day in weet. Bix. Wholesome Wheat Bix. Best selling Wheat Bix. Essential Wheat Bix.

[C]

Hi there, guys and dolls. Chuck's the name. Chuck Edwards. I'm trying to remember whether I was telling you about the time Red the big lug got caught up in a crap game at the car wash. That's where the cabs we drives are washed and that's where the drivers get soaked. Because that's one of the biggest crap games in the whole of New York. And strictly for professionals. If I was hearing about it before it happened, I wouldn't let it happen on account of Red ain't got that kind of mazuma. Anyway, I gets the bad news at the rank on 45th Street. There's red looking like a moose with a big toothache. So what's with you?

[E]

Nothing.

[C]

You don't get to be wearing a face like that from nothing.

[E]

My face bothering you?

[C]

Oh, don't tempt me, buddy.

[E]

You just leave me alone, that's all.

[C]

Now listen stupid, I'm inquiring after your welfare.

[E]

I ain't got one.

[C]

Ain't got one what?

[E]

A welfare?

[C]

Ah, sure you have. That's something everybody has.

[E]

Not me. I can't afford one. I can't afford nothing.

[C]

Ah. So what happened already?

[E]

Nothing.

[C]

Now, will you stop saying that?

[E]

And don't shout. Cause I'm liable to get upset.

[C]

Okay, okay, Red. I'm sorry. So what's been going on, huh?

[E]

It ain't happened yet.

[C]

Oh, boy. I am not the most patient man in the world, but keep this up and I'll get there. What's the matter with you?

[E]

I am depressed.

[C]

Why?

[E]

On account of the credit company.

[C]

But your payments on the cab is up to date. You showed me your book yesterday and.

[E]

The installment's due today.

[C]

Yeah, but I figured it out with you. You had dough for that. I sat in the cab and I counted it for you.

[E]

Yeah, that was yesterday. Before.

[C]

Before what?

[E]

Before me and the dough parted company.

[C]

What's the matter? You lost it?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Where?

[E]

At the car wash. How'd you know.

[C]

You lost it at the car wash?

[E]

Cause that's where the crap game is.

[C]

You mean you played craps at the car wash?

[E]

I played craps at the car wash.

[C]

They took you to the cleaners, huh?

[E]

No, I lost all my money.

[C]

You stupid, lame brain. Haven't I told you about those guys?

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

What did I say?

[E]

You said they'd sell their grandmothers up the river.

[C]

That's right. So what are you doing getting involved?

[E]

Well, I figured I'm no grandmother, so therefore I am not eligible.

[C]

They should have a sucker like you every day. How much do you lose?

[E]

They said I could keep my underwear.

[C]

You was lucky you wasn't arrested.

[E]

No fear of that.

[C]

Why not?

[E]

They don't let cops play.

[C]

Oh, no. Give me strength.

[E]

You know what you should do?

[C]

What?

[E]

Go push a few weights to the gym.

[C]

One of these days, Red, I am gonna knock your ears off.

[E]

You better not do that. My cap will fall down over my eyes.

[C]

Now quit clowning around and tell me what happened.

[E]

Well, what do you mean?

[C]

What happened at the crap game?

[E]

Oh, that was yesterday.

[C]

I know it was yesterday. I want to hear how you lost your dough.

[E]

Oh, well, they asked me to play, and I'm telling them I got no dough, see? Then they're telling me I can start in with a dollar. So I'm thinking, what's a buck? So the dice are with me, and I bet $1. There were five other guys to fight me. So I shoot the dice and get a natural 11. I win, I pick up $6. Now, I'm figuring that's a pretty good investment. And they're asking me if I want in for more. So I'm saying yeah. So I stick another dollar in and they cover me. I shoot and what do I get?

[C]

I know what you should have got. Okay, go on.

[E]

Seven I got. I win again. Before I miss out, I'm winning. 40 bucks.

[C]

Yeah, and I'll bet that's the last time you even touched a dice.

[E]

How did you know?

[C]

Listen, there ain't a cab driver in town don't know the way they play. They play with tops, huh? Loaded dice.

[E]

Oh, you mean the crooks.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Hey, they look such nice fellows, you know.

[C]

And unfortunately, you looks what you are.

[E]

I'm going back there. I asked for my dough.

[C]

That's right, boy, you do that, you'll get more than your dough.

[E]

You mean they'll pay me interest?

[C]

Oh, no. Sometimes I wonder where you gets the sense to breed.

[E]

Oh, it's a cinch. And very good for you.

[C]

Okay, okay, knock it off.

[E]

You mean I should stop breathing?

[C]

Yeah. Why don't you try that for an hour or two?

[E]

You want me to get sick?

[C]

Shut up. Now you got a problem?

[E]

No, but I would have it if I stopped breathing.

[C]

I said shut up. Let me think. Now, how much is the payment on the cab?

[E]

You mean it's due to the credit company? Yeah, 85. 85 bucks?

[C]

Yeah. And how much do you have?

[E]

I always keep a nickel in case of emergency.

[C]

When's the payment due?

[E]

I gotta pay before 3 o' clock this afternoon. That's when the office closes.

[C]

Oh, you can't make 85 bucks before 3 o'. Clock.

[E]

That's what I've been telling myself ever since I woke up this morning.

[C]

Now, let me see now. I got. I got $16.48 and I got a nickel.

[E]

Oh, big deal.

[C]

Let me ask Boydo. Hello, Michael?

[G]

Is that you? Mr. Edward?

[C]

Oh, now, come on. What did I do? Why, you saw at me. Hey. And I was going to ask you a favor.

[G]

I do not do favors for strangers.

[C]

Hey, what's with you? It's me, Chuck Edwards.

[G]

You may as well be a stranger for the amount of time you spend with me these days. Where were you last night?

[C]

Me and Red went bowling.

[G]

Well, I hope you had a good time.

[C]

Yeah, we did, until the accident.

[E]

Accident?

[C]

Yeah, you see, Red was winding up the ball when the thing flew out of the back of his hand, knocked the attendant out cold.

[G]

Gee, is he okay?

[E]

Yeah, I'm fine.

[C]

Not you, you big dummy. The attendant. Now, we don't know, honey. We didn't stick around to ask.

[G]

So, what's the favor?

[C]

Well, you see, Rhett needs a loan. He needs it bad.

[G]

How much? This time?

[C]

Well, $68.86, to be precise.

[G]

Who do you think I am, Rose Kennedy?

[C]

No can do, huh?

[G]

Not a chance. But I'll put as many fares your way as I can.

[E]

Gee, thanks, Brightle. That's very friendly.

[G]

Who's fighting on the ranks?

[C]

I am.

[G]

Okay, move it, Radio City. The lady will be outside.

[C]

Okay, Michael. Thanks. I'm on my way. Come on, you. Big luck on the sidewalk.

[E]

Okay, okay. I know when I'm not wanted. I could take a hint. I not want to sit around when I've been asked to go. You don't want me here. Okay with me. Just say the word.

[C]

Get.

[E]

What am I gonna do about the dough, Chuck? If I don't pay, they take the cab. No cab, no dough. You want me to die of starvation?

[C]

I don't care how you do it. Just get on with it.

[E]

Starving?

[C]

No dying. See you around.

[H]

Gee, have I got a problem.

[E]

Gee, have I got up close.

[G]

Excuse me.

[E]

Oh, you're talking to me.

[G]

Yeah.

[H]

Is this cat yours?

[E]

Only till this afternoon.

[H]

You want a fare?

[E]

Do I want a fare? Where to, lady?

[H]

Well, now, that's difficult.

[E]

Oh, seems like a perfectly straightforward question to me.

[H]

You don't understand.

[E]

Yeah, it's the story of my life.

[H]

You see, I have this baby.

[E]

Oh, he's yours, huh? Cute little fella.

[H]

It's a girl.

[E]

Well, for a girl, he sure is a cute little fella. Hello there, fella. Oh, gee, he must be hungry, you know.

[H]

No, I think you frightened him.

[E]

Oh, come on, fellow. I won't hate you. I like babies. I was a baby once myself. I know it's a long time ago. Before your time. The name's Redley.

[H]

Oh, well, Red, I got a lot of shopping to do. Crowds upset her.

[E]

Yeah, I guess they would. On account he's so small. Very understandable.

[H]

When she gets like this, the only thing that keeps her quiet is an automobile.

[E]

Wanna bite the cab?

[H]

No, no.

[G]

Not buy it.

[H]

Hide it for an hour or two. You see? Put her on the back seat and drive. And she goes to sleep. No bother.

[E]

You want I should do that? Take him for a ride?

[H]

Yes, I'm really desperate.

[E]

Okay, ladies, where to?

[H]

Well, I suppose you could just ride around Central Park.

[E]

How many times?

[H]

Well, that depends on the traffic. I want you to keep her for two hours, then bring her back here.

[E]

Okay, lady.

[H]

How much will that be?

[E]

Well, during two hours, the meter will clock up a lot, you know.

[H]

Well, a hundred dollars cover it.

[E]

Cover what?

[H]

A fare.

[E]

You want to give me a hundred dollars? Isn't that enough, lady, for $100, I'd take the baby. 12 peso and back.

[G]

Good.

[H]

If you just open the door.

[E]

Sure, sure, you.

[G]

I'll. I'll just put it inside our blanket. There we are.

[H]

Just for two hours, huh?

[E]

Two hours.

[H]

Here's the money.

[E]

Gee, 100 clams. Wait till Chuck hears about this. A hundred smackers for minding a baby.

[H]

You better go before I change my mind.

[E]

Well, I'm on my way, lady. I'm on my way. Voice Stop the Easy credit company.

[C]

So, guys and dolls, there was Red with a baby in the back seat and 100 bucks in his back pocket. He was on his way downtown to the credit company when it crossed his mind. Now, come to think of it, that just ain't possible. Now, he was on his way downtown to the credit company when it crossed the space between his ears that he'd better be telling Michael what's happened. So he reaches for the microphone on the radio.

[E]

Hello, Michael.

[G]

Brad.

[E]

Yeah, what you want?

[G]

You are calling me a big ape.

[E]

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah. Hey. Hey, Michael. I got the $85.

[G]

What do you do, rob a bank?

[E]

Nope. I'm just. Minding the baby, huh? Yeah, that's the deal. $100 for driving a baby around Central park for two hours.

[G]

What's the snag?

[E]

It's a C note. I gotta get changed.

[G]

Not with a Bella baby.

[E]

Oh, there ain't no snag. No, the cab keeps him quiet, See, while ever the cab's on the move, he don't cry. The mother's doing her shopping.

[G]

Well, I suppose you got the money.

[E]

Yeah, it'll be nice to hold it for five minutes.

[G]

You should have such muscle every day of the week.

[E]

Well, maybe there's a business like this waiting to be started.

[G]

Another 50 bucks an hour, ain't. I mean, who's got that kind of money?

[E]

The president.

[G]

Which president?

[E]

The White House president.

[G]

He ain't got kids that age. Besides, that's in Washington.

[E]

Okay, so we go into business in Washington. I kind of fancy Washington myself.

[G]

How come we got talking about Washington?

[E]

You started it. I was talking about minding babies.

[G]

I give up. This kind of conversation's beyond me.

[E]

Yeah, it takes practice.

[G]

So, what you gonna do for a couple of hours?

[E]

Well, first I'm going to the credit company. Paid the installment on the cab. Then me and the kid are going driving in Central Park.

[G]

Okay, if you need me, just.

[C]

And that's how it went. That's how they all went. All the things that happened that afternoon. Red Went to the credit company. The $85 went to the credit company. The kid went to sleep and Red went to Central Park. He cruised around for two hours and finally he came back to the rank on 45th Street.

[E]

Hi, Chubb.

[C]

Hi there, Red. You hit the jackpot, huh?

[E]

Yep. Struck in lucky. How did you know?

[C]

Michael told me on the squawk box. So that means you won't be needing my $16?

[E]

No, you can hold on to that.

[C]

Oh, gee, thanks very much.

[E]

Uh oh. The kid's woken up. That's because the cab stopped. I guess so.

[C]

Now what do you do?

[E]

I don't do nothing. The mother will be along here any minute.

[C]

Ah, maybe he's hungry, huh?

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Maybe I should go buy him a hamburger.

[C]

You does not buy hamburgers for babies.

[E]

Oh, I don't expect him to eat it all. I'll finish what's left.

[C]

Babies drinks milk.

[E]

So I'll get him a glass of milk. Also with a straw. Kids love straws. Hey, with two straws. One for me.

[C]

You know, Red, it is a constant source of surprise to me how you manages to survive each day. He sounds very unhappy.

[E]

He's dying to see his mother. You see, it's understandable. She should be here.

[C]

I tell you what, you ride around the block, you keep the kid happy. I'll talk to Michael. She'll know what to do.

[E]

Okay. Chuck?

[C]

Hello? Michael?

[G]

Is that you, Chuck?

[C]

Yeah. Listen honey, this kid that Wet's got in the cab, it's crying usually means.

[G]

One of two things. It's either hungry or it needs a clean dieting.

[C]

Ah, great. Can you imagine Red and me trying to fix it up?

[G]

Either way, I can imagine it. Poor little thing. How much longer do you have to keep it?

[C]

The mother should be here now. Red's writing it round the block to keep it quiet.

[G]

There's something funny about it all. The mother's either loaded or a nut. A hundred bucks to mate a baby.

[C]

Yeah, you're right, honey. Don't seem kosher to me neither.

[G]

Well, not Red out of a jam.

[C]

Yeah, just so long as he don't wind up in another one. Now here he comes now. Okay, Red.

[E]

Yeah, yeah, he's sleeping like a baby. Uh oh, there he goes again.

[C]

Okay, ride him around the block again. If the mother shows, I'll tell her where you're gone.

[E]

Okay, Come on baby. You hush up now.

[C]

Hey Micho.

[G]

Yeah, I'm still here.

[C]

Red's gone round the block again.

[G]

It's to be hoped he doesn't have to keep it all Night.

[C]

Well, believe you me, folks, Michael was prophetic. Because that's exactly what happened. Every time Red stopped the cat, the kid started up crying again and the mother didn't show. I was getting more anxious than someone. And Red, he was getting dizzy.

[E]

Hey, Chuck. Hey, won't you give me a spell? I be around the block 27 times already. I guess you'd say I was getting a run around.

[C]

Nah, something's wrong, Red, unless you got the time piled up. Are you sure she said two hours?

[E]

Sure, I'm sure. I think.

[C]

Hey, maybe we should go to the drugstore.

[E]

No. I told the mother I'd meet her here.

[C]

Not for the mother, you walks, but the baby.

[E]

But he's still in the back of the cab.

[C]

I know he is still in the back of the ca. We gotta get him some grub on things.

[E]

I only got $15.

[C]

That's plenty.

[E]

Okay, what should I ask for?

[C]

Oh, gee, now you got me.

[E]

Maybe I better drive around the block again, huh?

[C]

Yeah, okay. Okay. I'll talk to Midle.

[E]

Now, come on, baby. Hush up that noise. Cause Red's gonna drive you around the block for the 28th time.

[C]

Hey, Michael.

[G]

That's me.

[C]

We need advice about the kid.

[G]

What do you think I'm running here, a baby bureau?

[C]

Okay, cut the comedy. Now, listen. The kid must be hungry. Not a crumb has passed his lips in three hours. So what should we pick up at the drugstore?

[G]

Go get some baby food. You'll need milk too. Warm milk and a bottle.

[C]

Here I am involved again, and with another baby. Yet something was telling me all along not to want in. And here I am in it up to my neck.

[G]

Take it to the drugstore. They'll know what to do.

[C]

Now, we can't both go. Somebody has to be here in case the mother shows up.

[G]

Well, you stay there and send Red.

[C]

Can you imagine Red in a drugstore with a baby?

[G]

Yeah, I see what you mean. He most likely buys a cigar.

[C]

Okay, I'll take the baby. I'll leave Red here.

[G]

Fine. Let me know how you make out.

[C]

Come on, Red. Out.

[E]

What's up?

[C]

Michael says it'll be best if we takes the baby to a drugstore.

[E]

But he don't live there.

[C]

Well, of course, you father fold your big lug.

[E]

Oh, now, look.

[C]

I can handle this better than you. So you wait here in case the mother shows.

[E]

Okay? You better sing to him, Chuck. He likes Team Sundew. Listen. Oh, give me a home where the bubble roll and a buffalo Roam all the day where seldom is Hide a Buffalo wide and a buffalo graze all the day. See, he's musical. I must have perfect pitch or something.

[C]

Yeah, well, whatever it is you got, it shows. Come on out the cab.

[E]

Okay.

[C]

It won't be long.

[E]

Just one more thing, Chuck.

[C]

Uh huh.

[E]

Don't turn around and look at the baby.

[C]

Why not?

[E]

Well, I don't. That makes him cry.

[C]

Yeah, that figures. Now you just try and stay out of trouble for five minutes, huh?

[E]

Okay.

[C]

Well, off I goes with the kid. Just a matter of two blocks. I couldn't have been gone more than a couple of minutes when Red has a visitor.

[E]

Hey, you. Who, me?

[D]

I don't see anybody else around.

[E]

What's your name? Kowalski. And you?

[D]

Lieutenant Brunigan, 16th Precinct.

[E]

Gee, you don't look like a cop. You look nice. Uh huh.

[D]

Tell me something. You seen the kid around here?

[E]

Baby? Yeah. Where is it? My buddy just took you to the drugstore.

[C]

Uh huh.

[E]

Who's your buddy? Chuck Edwards.

[D]

Why'd he take it to drugstore?

[E]

Well, you know how it is with kids. You got kids?

[D]

Yeah, I got kids. Just a minute. Don't confuse me now. How come you got the baby, you and your buddy?

[E]

We're taking care of it.

[C]

Why?

[E]

It's part of the deal.

[D]

What deal?

[E]

The deal I made with the mother.

[D]

I think you better come to the station.

[E]

Well, that's very nice of you, Lieutenant, but some other time, huh? I gotta wait for Chuck.

[D]

You see, it's not an invitation. You're under arrest.

[E]

I plead the fifth Amendment. Huh? You what? I know my rights.

[D]

Look, nobody asked you to plead anything.

[E]

Well, that's what I plead. On account of anything I might say might tend to incriminate me.

[D]

What are you, some kind of nut or something?

[E]

I plead the fifth Amendment.

[D]

Come on, wise guy.

[E]

I better tell Michael where I'm going.

[D]

Who's Michael?

[E]

She's the checker at the cab company. Okay, but hurry it up. Okay. Hello? Moido?

[G]

Yeah?

[E]

I'm under arrest.

[G]

What for?

[E]

I don't know.

[G]

What, did you ask?

[E]

No.

[G]

Well, ask.

[E]

Okay. Lieutenant.

[D]

Yeah?

[E]

What's the charge?

[D]

You've been held as an accomplice on a kidnapping rap.

[E]

Oh, Michael, I am an accomplice.

[G]

In what?

[E]

Kidnapping charge. What? Thank goodness there's nothing serious in the.

[D]

State of New York. Buddy, kidnapping's a capital crime.

[E]

You go to the electric chair even if you're allergic to dying.

[D]

Come on, buster.

[E]

But I'm too young to die. I got a lot of living to do.

[D]

On your feet.

[E]

Goodbye, Mythal. Tell Chuck my last thoughts were of him.

[G]

Hey, wait a minute.

[D]

Come on, bright eyes.

[C]

Well, there I am in the drugstore getting acquainted with formulas and diapers. It's only when I gets back into the cab and reports into Moyle that she tells me what's happened to Red. So I waste no time. I move here along to the 16th Precinct and I'm threatened to think what I'll find. I can't leave the kid in the cab all by itself, so I take it in with me. I talk to the bull behind the desk and he shows me to Lt. Brannigan's office. I knocks and I walks in and oh boy, there's Red getting the third degree.

[D]

What have you done with the lady's baby?

[H]

Yeah, what she done with the baby.

[E]

I told you already, Chuck's got it. I demand to phone my attorney. I'll get him to issue a writ of corpus delicti.

[D]

Lieutenant, don't bother me, I'm busy.

[C]

But I got the baby.

[E]

Uh huh.

[D]

You're giving yourself up, huh?

[C]

What are you talking about?

[D]

You're in it too.

[C]

Certainly I'm in on it. I've been feeding the baby and everything.

[H]

Lieutenant, I told you what's going on here.

[E]

You mean you don't know?

[D]

I most certainly do not.

[E]

Gee, and you look so smart. Just goes to show you, you've taken.

[D]

The mickey out of me.

[C]

Ah, no, no, you take it easy, Lieutenant. Don't blow a gasket. Red don't mean no harm.

[H]

You better get the baby to me.

[C]

Are you the mother?

[G]

No, I'm the nurse.

[E]

I knew I seen you someplace before. On television maybe, huh?

[H]

No, I gave the baby to you earlier this afternoon.

[E]

Oh, yeah, that's right. Yeah, along with the money.

[H]

That's right. You're fair. So you'd ride the baby round Central.

[G]

Park for a couple of hours.

[D]

You're still sticking to that story?

[H]

It happens to be the truth.

[E]

Yeah, that's right. And it don't come truer than that.

[D]

So how come we get a call from Mrs. Van Cleef to the effect that you've stolen her baby?

[H]

She saw me on Fifth Avenue without the baby. She wouldn't listen. When I tried to explain what had happened, she went into a phone and next thing I know, I'm hauled into a prowl car and dumped at the station here. It's a lot of fuss about nothing.

[E]

Hey, he's only small, but he ain't nothing.

[D]

Shut up, you.

[E]

Okay?

[H]

It's a clear case of wrongful arrest. What about my dignity?

[E]

It's beautiful. Did you buy it in Fifth Avenue.

[D]

I thought I told you to button your lip.

[E]

No, no, you told me to shut up.

[C]

No, wait. That's enough. Lieutenant, Can I take him home now?

[D]

I still maintain there's some funny business here somewhere.

[H]

No, no.

[C]

What's the beef? It was all a mistake. The baby's okay. You can see.

[E]

Now give me your home. Where the buffalo roam and the buffalo roam all the day now what are you doing? He likes to be sung to.

[G]

He's not a he.

[H]

She's a she.

[E]

How about that? She never let on. My mother told me to be careful of girls like that.

[C]

Now, Red, please.

[H]

There's no case, Lieutenant.

[D]

Oh, well, maybe not. But I don't think it was very smart to hand a baby that's been entrusted to your care to a palooka like this.

[E]

I take that as a compliment. Some of my best friends are palookas.

[D]

I reckon Mrs. Van Cleef will fire you.

[E]

She can't do that.

[D]

Why not?

[E]

Cause I don't wait for her.

[C]

Not you.

[E]

Her.

[H]

I guess you might.

[C]

Can't you keep that baby quiet?

[E]

I know a way.

[C]

Okay, wise guy.

[E]

What do you do? I drive a cab. What do you do?

[D]

I spend my life dealing with idiots like you.

[E]

Chuck, we are not wanted here. Let us take the baby home.

[D]

The baby stays here.

[E]

She's under arrest. What's the charge?

[C]

Get him out of here.

[E]

Just get him out of here.

[C]

Of here. Sure, sure, Lieutenant. Come on, Red.

[E]

Not till I say goodbye to the kid. Goodbye, kid.

[C]

Red, get him out of my s. So there you are, Guys and Dolls. That's how Red's camp was saved from being repossessed. I know what you're thinking. How comes a girl who's employed as a nurse can afford $100 to have red drive his camp around Central park for two hours? Well, it all came out later. We saw it in the papers. That nurse was a smart cookie. You see, the hundred dollars was an investment. She sued the police department for wrongful arrest. Ah, but the judge was also a smart cook, cookie. He gave her three months without the option. But the way I figured, she planned it. That was all very careful. She even made sure that Mrs. Van Cleef would see her uptown without the baby. And that's when the jam hit the fan. Mrs. Van Cleef goes all hysterical. She presumes her baby's been kidnapped. Meantime, it's as safe as a Havana with a non smoker. Oh, yeah, that noise was some schema. Okay, guys and dolls, that's it for this week. So long. Remember, if I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the window.