Taxi xx-xx-xx Craps Game at the Car Wash

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Harold's Old Time Radio" – Episode: "Taxi xx-xx-xx Craps Game at the Car Wash"

Introduction

In the August 8, 2025 release of "Harold's Old Time Radio," titled "Craps Game at the Car Wash," listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio, immersing themselves in the bustling streets of New York City. Hosted by Harold's Old Time Radio, the episode centers around the lives of taxi drivers navigating personal and professional struggles in a city that never sleeps. This detailed summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key characters, plot developments, and memorable dialogues.

Main Characters

• Red: A seasoned New York taxi driver facing financial and personal challenges.
• Myrtle: Red's associate, grappling with debts and questionable decisions.
• Chuck Edwards: A mutual acquaintance who becomes entangled in Red and Myrtle's predicament.
• Lieutenant Brannigan: A skeptical police officer investigating a supposed kidnapping.

Plot Overview

The episode unfolds with Chuck Edwards narrating the current predicament involving his friend Red. At the [00:35] mark, Myrtle introduces the premise: "A week by week account of the trials and tribulations of a New York taxi driver." The storyline delves into the financial hardships faced by Red, particularly focusing on a high-stakes craps game at a car wash—a popular spot for professional gamblers.

Key Events

1. The Craps Game Gone Wrong ([00:36] - [05:32])

   Red reveals that Myrtle lost a crucial $85 installment payment for his cab due to playing craps at the car wash. Myrtle admits, "[...] the craps game is one of the biggest in the whole of New York, and strictly for professionals." The loss threatens Red's ability to maintain his taxi, putting both their livelihoods at risk.

2. Request for Assistance ([05:28] - [10:24])

   Faced with mounting debts, Myrtle seeks Chuck's help, asking, "What am I gonna do about the dough, Chuck?" In response, Chuck offers to send more fares their way but cannot provide the immediate financial relief needed. Desperate, Myrtle resorts to selling a baby to Chuck for $100 to cover the outstanding payment.

3. Misunderstanding and Arrest ([10:47] - [25:00])

   After driving the baby around Central Park, a series of miscommunications leads to Myrtle being wrongfully arrested for kidnapping. Lieutenant Brannigan confronts Myrtle, who, in her defense, claims innocence by explaining the arrangement with Chuck. The tension peaks when Myrtle pleads, "I plead the Fifth Amendment," attempting to avoid incriminating herself.

4. Resolution and Revelation ([25:00] - End)

   The narrative concludes with the revelation that the entire scenario was orchestrated by a savvy nurse who paid Myrtle $100 as an investment. She strategically arranged the situation to sue the police for wrongful arrest, capitalizing on the mishap to secure financial compensation. Chuck summarizes the outcome: "The judge was also a smart cookie. He gave her three months without the option."

Notable Quotes

• Red on Financial Desperation ([03:00]): "What's the matter with you?"

• Myrtle on Her Loss ([03:32]): "No, I lost all my money, you stupid, lame brain."

• Chuck on the Situation's Absurdity ([23:09]): "It happens to be the truth."

• Myrtle on Pleading Innocence ([20:46]): "I plead the Fifth Amendment. Come on, wise guy."

Themes and Insights

The episode explores themes of desperation, trust, and the lengths individuals will go to maintain their livelihoods. It highlights the fragility of small businesses relying on daily income and the unforeseen consequences of seemingly minor decisions. Additionally, the narrative underscores the complexities of human relationships within high-pressure environments like New York City's taxi industry.

Conclusion

"Taxi xx-xx-xx Craps Game at the Car Wash" masterfully weaves a tale of intrigue and misfortune, set against the backdrop of mid-20th-century New York. Through its vibrant characters and engaging plot twists, the episode offers listeners a captivating glimpse into the lives of taxi drivers wrestling with fate, friendship, and the pursuit of financial stability. As always, Harold's Old Time Radio delivers a nostalgic yet timeless story that resonates with the enduring human spirit.

Transcript

[Chuck Edwards]

Taxi.

[Red]

Taxi. Taxi.

[Myrtle]

The time right now.

[Red]

The characters, you name them, we got them.

[Myrtle]

The scene, New York City.

[Red]

We present taxi.

[Myrtle]

A week by week account of the.

[Red]

Trials and tribulations of a New York taxi driver. Mum, if you could buy a big, big roller towel without paying more, you would, wouldn't you?

[Myrtle]

Then buy Carlton Carlton towels.

[Red]

Give you 28% more roller towel and at no extra cost. Remember the name Carlton. This is an evening spot about an important morning food. We know your family is the number one family in your life. That's why we say it's important to give them South Africa's number one wheaten breakfast. Wheat Bix. There's whole wheat energy for the whole day in weet Bix. Wholesome Weet Bix. Best selling weet Bix. Essential Wheat Bix. Hi there, guys and dolls. Chuck's the name. Chuck Edwards. I'm trying to remember whether I was telling you about the time Red the big lug got caught up in a crap game at the car wash. That's where the cabs we drives are washed and that's where the drivers get soaked. Because that's one of the biggest crap games in the whole of New York. And strictly for professionals. If I was hearing about it before it happened, I wouldn't let it happen on account of Red ain't got that kind of mazuma. Anyway, I gets the bad news at the rank on 45th Street. There's red looking like a moose with a big toothache. So what's with you?

[Myrtle]

Nothing.

[Red]

You don't get to be wearing a face like that from nothing.

[Myrtle]

My face bothering you?

[Red]

Oh, don't tempt me, buddy.

[Myrtle]

You just leave me alone, that's all.

[Red]

Now listen, stupid, I'm inquiring after your welfare.

[Myrtle]

I ain't got one.

[Red]

Ain't got one?

[Myrtle]

What A welfare?

[Red]

Ah, sure you have. That's something everybody has.

[Myrtle]

Not me. I can't afford one. I can't afford nothing.

[Red]

Ah, so what happened already?

[Myrtle]

Nothing.

[Red]

Now will you stop saying that and don't shout.

[Myrtle]

Cause I'm liable to get upset.

[Red]

Okay, okay. Well, I'm sorry. So what's been going on, huh?

[Myrtle]

It ain't happened yet. Oh, boy.

[Red]

I am not the most patient man in the world, but keep this up and I'll get there. What's the matter with you?

[Myrtle]

I am depressed.

[Red]

Why?

[Myrtle]

On the count of the credit company.

[Red]

But your payments on the cab is up to date. You showed me your book yesterday and.

[Myrtle]

The installment's due today.

[Red]

Yeah, but I figured it out with you. You had dough for that I sat in the cab and I counted it for you.

[Myrtle]

Yeah, that was yesterday. Before.

[Red]

Before what?

[Myrtle]

Before me and the DOE parted company.

[Red]

What's the matter? You lost it?

[Myrtle]

Yeah.

[Red]

Where?

[Myrtle]

At the car wash. How'd you know.

[Red]

You lost it at the car wash?

[Myrtle]

Cause that's where the crap game is.

[Red]

You mean you played craps at the car wash?

[Myrtle]

I played craps at the car wash.

[Red]

They took it to the cleaners, huh?

[Myrtle]

No, I lost all my money, you stupid, lame brain.

[Red]

And when I told you about those guys. Yeah, what did I say?

[Myrtle]

You said they'd sell their grandmothers up the river.

[Red]

That's right. So what are you doing getting involved?

[Myrtle]

Well, I figured I'm no grandmother, so therefore I am not eligible.

[Red]

They should have a sucker like you every day. How much did you lose?

[Myrtle]

They said I could keep my underwear.

[Red]

You was lucky you wasn't arrested.

[Myrtle]

No fear of that.

[Red]

Why not?

[Myrtle]

They don't let cops play.

[Red]

Oh, no? Give me strength.

[Myrtle]

You know what you should do?

[Red]

What?

[Myrtle]

Go push a few weights to the gym.

[Red]

One of these days, Red, I am gonna knock your ears off.

[Myrtle]

You better not do that. My cap will fall down over my eyes.

[Red]

Now, quit clowning around and tell me what happened.

[Myrtle]

What do you mean?

[Red]

What happened at the crap game?

[Myrtle]

Oh, that was yesterday.

[Red]

I know it was yesterday. I want to hear how you lost your dough.

[Myrtle]

O well, they asked me to play, and I'm telling them I got no dough, see? Then they're telling me I can start in with a dollar. So I'm thinking, what's a buck? So the dice are with me, and I bet $1. There were five other guys to fade me. So I shoot the dice and get a natural 11. I win. I pick up $6. Now, I'm figuring that's a pretty good investment. And they're asking me if I want in for more. So I'm saying, yeah. So I stick another dollar in and they cover me. I shoot, and what do I get?

[Red]

I know what you should have got. Okay, go on.

[Myrtle]

Seven. I got. I win again. Before I miss out, I'm winning 40 bucks.

[Red]

Yeah, and I'll bet that's the last time you even touched a dice.

[Myrtle]

How did you know?

[Red]

Listen, there ain't a cab driver in town don't know the way they play. They play with tops, huh? Load the dice.

[Myrtle]

Oh, you mean the crooks.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah.

[Myrtle]

Hey, they look such nice fellows, you know?

[Red]

And unfortunately, you looks what you are.

[Myrtle]

I'm going back there. I asked for my dough.

[Red]

That's right, boy. You do that you'll get more than your dough.

[Myrtle]

You mean they'll pay me interest?

[Red]

Oh, no. Sometimes I wonders where you gets the cinch to breed.

[Myrtle]

Oh, it's a cinch. I'm very good for you.

[Red]

Okay, okay, knock it off.

[Myrtle]

You mean I should stop breathing?

[Red]

Yeah. Why don't you try that for an hour or two?

[Myrtle]

You want me to get sick?

[Red]

Shut up. You got a problem?

[Myrtle]

No, but I would have if I stopped breathing.

[Red]

I said shut up and let me think. Now, how much is the payment on the cab?

[Myrtle]

You mean it's due to the credit company? Yeah. 85 bucks.

[Red]

Yeah, and how much do you have?

[Myrtle]

I always keep a nickel in case of emergency.

[Red]

When's the payment due?

[Myrtle]

I gotta pay before 3 o' clock this afternoon. That's when the office closes.

[Red]

You can't make 85 bucks before 3 o'.

[Chuck Edwards]

Clock.

[Myrtle]

That's what I've been telling myself ever since I woke up this morning.

[Red]

Now, let me see now. I got. I got $16.48 and I got a nickel.

[Myrtle]

Oh, big deal.

[Red]

Let me ask Moydu. Hello, Moydu, is that you?

[Chuck Edwards]

Mr. Edward?

[Red]

Oh, now, come on. What did I do? Why you sore at me? Hey, and I was gonna ask you a favor.

[Chuck Edwards]

I do not do favors for strangers.

[Red]

Hey, what's with you? It's me, Chuck Edwards.

[Chuck Edwards]

You may as well be a stranger for the amount of time you spend with me these days. Where were you last night?

[Red]

Me and Red went bowling.

[Chuck Edwards]

Well, I hope you had a good time.

[Red]

Yeah, we did. Until the accident.

[Chuck Edwards]

Accident?

[Red]

Yeah, you see, Red was winding up the ball when the thing flew out of the back of his hand, knocked the attendant out cold.

[Chuck Edwards]

Gee, is he okay?

[Myrtle]

No, I'm fine.

[Red]

Not you, you big dummy. The attendant. Now, we don't know, honey. We didn't stick around to ask.

[Chuck Edwards]

So, what's the favor?

[Red]

Well, you see, Rhett needs. Alone, he needs it bad.

[Chuck Edwards]

How much this time?

[Red]

Well, $68.86, to be precise.

[Chuck Edwards]

Who do you think I am, Rose Kennedy?

[Red]

No can do, huh?

[Chuck Edwards]

Not a chance. But I'll put as many fares your way as I can.

[Myrtle]

Gee, thanks, Myrtle. That's very friendly.

[Chuck Edwards]

Who's fighting on the ranks? I am. Okay, move it, Radio City. The lady will be outside.

[Red]

Okay, Myrtle. Thanks. I'm on my way. Come on, you big lug. On the sidewalk.

[Myrtle]

Okay, okay. I know when I'm not wanted. I could take a hint. I not want to sit around when I be nice to go. You don't want me here. Okay with me. Just say the Word. Get. What am I gonna do about the dough, Chuck? If I don't pay, they take the cab. No cab, no dough. You want me to die of starvation?

[Red]

I don't care how you do it. Just get on with it.

[Myrtle]

Starving.

[Red]

No dying. See you around.

[Chuck Edwards]

Gee, have I got a problem.

[Myrtle]

Gee, have I got up close.

[Chuck Edwards]

Excuse me.

[Myrtle]

Oh, you're talking to me.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah. Is this cat yours?

[Myrtle]

Only till this afternoon.

[Chuck Edwards]

You want a fair?

[Myrtle]

Do I want a fair? Where to, lady?

[Chuck Edwards]

Well, now, that's difficult.

[Myrtle]

Oh, seems like a perfectly straightforward question for me.

[Chuck Edwards]

You don't understand.

[Myrtle]

Yeah, it's the story of my life.

[Chuck Edwards]

You see, I have this baby.

[Myrtle]

Oh, he's yours, huh? Cute little fella.

[Chuck Edwards]

It's a girl.

[Myrtle]

Well, for a girl, he sure is a cute little fella. Hello there, fella. Oh, gee, you must be hungry, you know.

[Chuck Edwards]

No, I think you're frightened then.

[Myrtle]

Oh, come on, now. Well, I won't. I like babies. I was a baby once myself. I know it's a long time ago. Before your time.

[Chuck Edwards]

My sister.

[Myrtle]

The name's Red, lady.

[Chuck Edwards]

Oh. Well, Red, I got a lot of shopping to do. Crowds upset her.

[Myrtle]

Yeah, I guess they would on a county so small. Very understandable.

[Chuck Edwards]

When she gets like this, the only thing that keeps her quiet is an automobile.

[Myrtle]

Want to buy the cab?

[Chuck Edwards]

No, no, not buy it. Hire it for an hour or two. You see, Put her on the back seat and drive. And she goes to sleep. No bother.

[Myrtle]

You want I should do that? Take him for a ride?

[Chuck Edwards]

Yes, I'm really desperate.

[Myrtle]

Okay, ladies, where to?

[Chuck Edwards]

Well, I suppose you could just ride around Central Park.

[Myrtle]

How many times?

[Chuck Edwards]

Well, that depends on the traffic. I want you to keep her for two hours, then bring her back here.

[Myrtle]

Okay, lady.

[Chuck Edwards]

How much will that be?

[Myrtle]

Well, during two hours, the meter will clock up a lot, you know.

[Chuck Edwards]

Well. Well, a hundred dollars cover it.

[Myrtle]

Cover what?

[Chuck Edwards]

A fare.

[Myrtle]

You want to give me a hundred dollars?

[Chuck Edwards]

Isn't that enough?

[Myrtle]

Lady, for $100, I'd take the baby. 12 peso and back.

[Chuck Edwards]

Good. If you just open the door.

[Myrtle]

Sure, sure, you.

[Chuck Edwards]

I'll. I'll just put it inside our blanket. There we are. Just for two hours, huh?

[Myrtle]

Two hours.

[Chuck Edwards]

Here's the money.

[Myrtle]

Gee, 100 clams. Wait till Chuck hears about this. A hundred smackers for minding a baby.

[Chuck Edwards]

You better go before I change my mind.

[Myrtle]

I'm on my way, lady. I'm on my way. Voice, stop the Easy Credit Company.

[Red]

So, guys and dolls. There was Red with a baby in the back seat and a hundred bucks in his back pocket. He was on his way downtown to the credit company when it crossed his mind. Now come to think of it, that just ain't possible. Now, he was on his way downtown to the credit company when it crossed the space between his ears that he'd better be telling Michael what's happened. So he reaches for the microphone on the radio.

[Myrtle]

Hello, Mydal.

[Chuck Edwards]

Brad?

[Myrtle]

Yeah, what you want?

[Chuck Edwards]

You are calling me, you big ape.

[Myrtle]

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah. Hey, Michael, I got the $85.

[Chuck Edwards]

What'd you do, rob a bank?

[Myrtle]

Nope. I'm just minding the baby, huh? Yeah, that's the deal. $100 for driving a baby around Central park for two hours.

[Chuck Edwards]

What's the snag?

[Myrtle]

It's a C note.

[Chuck Edwards]

I gotta get changed now with a build a baby.

[Myrtle]

Oh, there ain't no snag. No, the cab keeps him quiet. See, while ever the cabs are the move, he don't cry. The mother's doing the shopping.

[Chuck Edwards]

Well, I suppose you got the money.

[Myrtle]

Yeah, it'll be nice to hold it for five minutes.

[Chuck Edwards]

You should have such muscle every day of the week.

[Myrtle]

Well, maybe there's a business like this waiting to be started.

[Chuck Edwards]

Not a 50 bucks an hour ain't. I mean, who's got that kind of money?

[Myrtle]

The president.

[Chuck Edwards]

Which president?

[Myrtle]

The White House president.

[Chuck Edwards]

He ain't got kids that age. Besides, that's in Washington.

[Myrtle]

Okay, so we go into business in Washington. I kind of fancy Washington myself.

[Chuck Edwards]

How come we got talking about Washington?

[Myrtle]

You started it. I was talking about Mitin babies.

[Chuck Edwards]

I give up. This kind of conversation's beyond me.

[Myrtle]

Yeah, it takes practice.

[Chuck Edwards]

So what you gonna do for a couple of hours?

[Myrtle]

Well, first I'm going to the credit company. Paid the installment on the cab. Then me and the kid are going driving in Central Park.

[Chuck Edwards]

Okay, if you need me, just call.

[Red]

And that's how it went. That's how they all went. All the things that happened that afternoon. Red went to the credit company, the $85 went to the credit company. The kid went to sleep and Red went to Central Park. He cruised around for two hours and finally he came back to the rank on 45th Street.

[Myrtle]

Hi, Chubb.

[Red]

Hi there, Red. You hit the jackpot, huh?

[Myrtle]

Yep, struck it lucky. How did you know?

[Red]

Michael told me on the squawk box. So that means you won't be needing my $16?

[Myrtle]

No, you can hold on to that.

[Red]

Oh, gee, thanks very much.

[Myrtle]

Uh. Oh, the kid's woken up. That's because the cab stopped. I guess so.

[Red]

Now what do you do?

[Myrtle]

I Don't do nothing. The mother will be along here any minute.

[Red]

Maybe he's hungry, huh?

[Myrtle]

Yeah. Maybe I should go buy him a hamburger.

[Red]

You does not buy hamburgers for babies.

[Myrtle]

No, I don't expect him to eat at all. I'll finish what's left.

[Red]

Babies drinks milk, so I'll get him.

[Myrtle]

A glass of milk. Also with a straw. Kids love straws. Hey, with two straws. One for me.

[Red]

You know, Red, it is a constant source of surprise to me how you manages to survive each day. He sounds very unhappy.

[Myrtle]

He's dying to see his mother. You see, it's understandable. She should be here.

[Red]

I tell you what. You ride around the block, you keep the kid happy. I'll talk to Michael. She'll know what to do.

[Myrtle]

Okay. Chuck?

[Red]

Hello? Michael?

[Chuck Edwards]

Is that you, Chuck?

[Red]

Yeah. Listen honey, this kid that Wet's got in the cab, it's crying.

[Chuck Edwards]

Usually means one of two things. It's either hungry or it needs a clean diady.

[Red]

Ah, great. Can you imagine Red and me trying to fix it up?

[Chuck Edwards]

Either way, I can imagine it. Poor little thing. How much longer do you have to keep it?

[Red]

The mother should be here now. Red's writing it round the block to keep it quiet.

[Chuck Edwards]

There's something funny about it all. The mother's either loaded or a nut. A hundred bucks to mind a baby.

[Red]

Yeah, you're right, honey. Don't seem kosher to me neither.

[Chuck Edwards]

Well, got Red out of a jam.

[Red]

Yeah, just so long as he don't wind up in another one. Ah, here he comes now. Okay, Red.

[Myrtle]

Yeah, yeah, he's sleeping like a baby. Uh oh, there he goes again.

[Red]

Okay, ride him around the block again. If the mother shows, I'll tell her where you're gone.

[Myrtle]

Okay, come on, baby. You hush up now.

[Red]

Hey, my dog.

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, I'm still here.

[Red]

Red's gone round the block again.

[Chuck Edwards]

It's to be hoped he doesn't have to keep it all night.

[Red]

Well, believe you me, folks, Moitl was prophetic. Cause that's exactly what happened. Every time Red stopped the cat. The kid started up crying again and the mother didn't show. I was getting more anxious than somewhat. And Red, he was getting dizzy.

[Myrtle]

Hey, Chuck. Hey, won't you give me a spell? I be around the block 27 times already. I guess you'd say I was getting a run around.

[Red]

Nah, something's wrong, Red. Unless you got the time piled up. Are you sure she said two hours?

[Myrtle]

Sure I'm sure. I think.

[Red]

Hey, maybe we should go to the drugstore.

[Myrtle]

No, I told the Mother. I'd meet her here.

[Red]

Not for the mother, you walks, but the baby.

[Myrtle]

But he's still in the back of the cab.

[Red]

I know he is still in the back of the ca. We gotta get him some grub on things.

[Myrtle]

I only got $15.

[Red]

That's plenty.

[Myrtle]

Okay, what should I ask for?

[Red]

Oh, gee, now you got me.

[Myrtle]

Maybe I better drive around the block again, huh?

[Red]

Yeah, okay, okay. I'll talk to Mido.

[Myrtle]

Now. Come on, baby. Hush up that noise. Cause Red's gonna drive you around the block for the 28th time.

[Red]

Hey, Michael.

[Chuck Edwards]

That's me.

[Red]

We need advice about the kid.

[Chuck Edwards]

What do you think I'm running here, a baby bureau?

[Red]

Okay, cut the comedy. Now listen. The kid must be hungry. Not a crumb has passed his lips in three hours. So what should we pick up at the drugstore?

[Chuck Edwards]

Go get some baby food. You'll need milk too. Warm milk and a bottle.

[Red]

Here I am involved again, and with another baby. Yet something was telling me all along not to want in. And here I am in it up to my neck.

[Chuck Edwards]

Take you to the drugstore. They'll know what to do.

[Red]

Now, we can't both go. Somebody has to be here in case the mother shows up.

[Chuck Edwards]

Well, you stay there and send Red.

[Red]

Can you imagine Red in a drugstore with a baby?

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, I see what you mean. He most likely buys a cigar.

[Red]

Okay, I'll take the baby. I'll leave Red here.

[Chuck Edwards]

Fine. Let me know how you make out.

[Red]

Come on, Red. Out.

[Myrtle]

What's up?

[Red]

Michael says it'll be best if we takes the baby to a drugstore.

[Myrtle]

But he don't live there.

[Red]

Well, of course, you father fold your big lug. Oh, now look, I can handle this better than you. So you wait here in case the mother shows.

[Myrtle]

Okay. You better sing to him, Chuck. He likes being sung too. Listen. Oh, give me a home where the bubble rolls and a buffalo roam all the day where seldom is hide A buffalo wide and a buffalo grays all the day See, he's musical. I must have perfect pitch or something.

[Red]

Yeah, well, whatever it is you got, it shows. Come on out the cab.

[Myrtle]

Okay.

[Red]

It won't be long.

[Myrtle]

Just one more thing, Chuck.

[Chuck Edwards]

Uh huh.

[Myrtle]

Don't turn around and look at the baby.

[Red]

Why not?

[Myrtle]

Well, I done that makes him cry.

[Red]

Yeah, that figures. Now you just try and stay out of trouble for five minutes, huh?

[Myrtle]

Okay.

[Red]

Well, off I goes with the kid. Just a matter of two blocks. I couldn't have been gone more than a couple of minutes When Red has a visitor.

[Myrtle]

Hey, you. Who, me? I Don't see anybody else around. What's your name? Kowalski. And you? Lieutenant Brunigan, 16th Precinct. Gee, you don't look like a cop. You look nice.

[Red]

Uh huh.

[Myrtle]

Tell me something. You seen the kid around here? Baby? Yeah. Where is it? My buddy just took you to the drugstore.

[Red]

Uh huh.

[Myrtle]

Who's your buddy? Chuck Edwards. Why'd he take it to drugstore? Well, you know how it is with kids. You got kids? Yeah, I got kids. Just a minute.

[Red]

Don't confuse me now.

[Myrtle]

How come you got the baby, you and your buddy? We're taking care of it. Why? It's part of the deal. What deal? The deal I made with the mother. I think you better come to the station. Well, that's very nice of you, Lieutenant, but some other time, huh? I gotta wait for Chuck. You see, it's not an invitation. You're under arrest. I plead the fifth Amendment. Huh? You what? I know my rights. Look, nobody asked you to plead anything. Well, that's what I plead, on account of anything I might say might tend to incriminate me.

[Red]

What are you, some kind of nut or something?

[Myrtle]

I plead the Fifth Amendment. Come on, wise guy. I better tell Michael where I'm going. Who's Michael? She's the checker at the cab company. Okay, but hurry it up. Okay. Hello. Mido?

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah?

[Myrtle]

I'm under arrest.

[Chuck Edwards]

What for?

[Myrtle]

I don't know.

[Chuck Edwards]

What, didn't you ask?

[Myrtle]

No.

[Chuck Edwards]

Well, ask.

[Myrtle]

Okay. Lieutenant? Yeah? What's the charge? You're being held as an accomplice on a kidnapping rap. Oh, my go. I am an accomplice in what? Kidnapping charge.

[Chuck Edwards]

What?

[Myrtle]

Thank goodness there's nothing serious in the state of New York. Buddy, kidnapping's a capital crime. You go to the electric chair even if you're allergic to dying. Come on, buster. But I'm too young to die. I got a lot of living to do. On your feet. Goodbye, Mydol. Tell Chuck my last thoughts were of him.

[Chuck Edwards]

Hey, wait a minute.

[Red]

Come on, bright eyes. Well, there I am in the drugstore, getting acquainted with formulas and diapers. It's only when I gets back into the cabin, reports into Moyle that she tells me what's happened to Red. So I waste no time. I mosey along to the 16th Precinct and I'm threatened to think what I'll find. I can't leave the kid in the cab all by itself, so I take it in with me. I talks to the bull behind the desk and he shows me to Lt. Brannigan's office. I knocks and I walks in and oh boy, there's Red getting the third degree.

[Myrtle]

What have you done with the lady's baby?

[Chuck Edwards]

Yeah, what you done with the baby?

[Myrtle]

I told you already, Chuck's got it. I demand to phone my attorney. I'll get him to issue a writ of corpus delicti. Lieutenant, don't bother me, I'm busy.

[Red]

But I got the baby.

[Chuck Edwards]

Uh huh.

[Myrtle]

You're giving yourself up, huh?

[Red]

What are you talking about?

[Myrtle]

You're in it too.

[Red]

Certainly I'm in on it. I've been feeding the baby and everything.

[Chuck Edwards]

See, Lieutenant, I told you what's going on here.

[Myrtle]

You mean you don't know? I most certainly do not. Gee, and you look so smart. Just goes to show you. You taking the mickey out of me?

[Red]

Ah, no, no, you take it easy, Lieutenant. Don't blow a gasket. Red don't mean no harm.

[Chuck Edwards]

You better get the baby to me.

[Red]

Are you the mother?

[Chuck Edwards]

No, I'm the nurse.

[Myrtle]

I know I seen you someplace before. On television maybe, huh?

[Chuck Edwards]

No, I gave the baby to you earlier this afternoon.

[Myrtle]

Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah, along with the money.

[Chuck Edwards]

That's right. You're fare so you'd ride the baby round Central park for a couple of hours.

[Myrtle]

You're still sticking to that story?

[Chuck Edwards]

It happens to be the truth.

[Myrtle]

Yeah, that's right. And it don't come truer than that. So how come we get a call from Mrs. Van Cleef to the effect that you've stolen her baby?

[Chuck Edwards]

She saw me on Fifth Avenue without the baby. She wouldn't listen. When I tried to explain what had happened. She went into a phone and next thing I know, I'm hauled into a prowl car and down to the station here. It's a lot of fuss about nothing.

[Myrtle]

Hey, he's only small, but he ain't nothing. Shut up, you.

[Chuck Edwards]

Okay, It's a clear case of wrongful arrest. What about my dignity?

[Myrtle]

It's beautiful. Did you buy it in Fifth Avenue? I thought I told you to button your lip. No, no, you told me to shut up.

[Red]

Now wait. That's enough. Lieutenant. Can I take him home now?

[Myrtle]

I still maintain there's some funny business here somewhere.

[Red]

No, no, watch the beef. It was all a mistake. The baby's okay, you can see.

[Myrtle]

Give me your home where the buffalo roam and the buffalo roam all the day now what are you doing? He likes to be sung to.

[Chuck Edwards]

He's not a he. She's a she.

[Myrtle]

How about that? She never let on. My mother told me to be careful of girls like that.

[Red]

Now, Red, please.

[Chuck Edwards]

There's no case, Lieutenant.

[Myrtle]

Oh, well, maybe not. But I don't think it was very smart to hand a baby that's been entrusted to your care to a palooka like this. I take that as a compliment. Some of my best friends are palookas. I reckon Mrs. Van Cleef will fire you. She can't do that. Why not? Cause I don't wait for her.

[Red]

Not you.

[Myrtle]

Her.

[Chuck Edwards]

I guess you're right.

[Red]

Can't you keep that baby quiet?

[Myrtle]

I know a way. Okay, wise guy, what do you do? I drive a cab. What do you do? I spend my life dealing with idiots like you. Chuck, we are not wanted here. Let us take the baby home. The baby stays here. She's under arrest. What's the charge?

[Red]

Get him out of here.

[Myrtle]

Just get him out of here.

[Red]

Of here now. Sure. Sure, Lieutenant. Come on, Red.

[Myrtle]

Not till I say goodbye to the kid. Goodbye, kid.

[Red]

Red, get him out of my s. So there you are, Dice and Dolphs. That's how Red's cap was saved from being repossessed. I know what you're thinking. How comes a girl who's employed as a nurse can afford $100 to have red drive his cap around Central park for two hours? Well, it all came out later. We saw it in the papers. That nurse was a smart cookie. You see, the hundred dollars was an investment. She sued the police department for wrongful arrest. Ah, but the judge was also a smart cookie. He gave her three months without the option. But the way I figured, she planned it, that was all very careful. She even made sure that Mrs. Van Cleef would see her uptown without the baby. And that's when the jam hit the fan. Mrs. Van Cleef goes all hysterical. She presumes her baby's been kidnapped. Meantime, it's as safe as a Havana with a non smoker. Oh, yeah, that noise was some schema. Okay, guys and dolls, that's it for this week. So long. Remember, if I don't see you through the week, I'll see you through the window.