The Adventures Of Sam Spade-Terrified Turkey Caper 1950-11-24

Summary

The Adventures Of Sam Spade – Terrified Turkey Caper (1950-11-24)

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: November 11, 2025
Original Air Date: November 24, 1950
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio

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Main Theme

This episode of "The Adventures of Sam Spade" centers on the "Terrified Turkey Caper," a comedic-mystery set around Thanksgiving. Sam Spade, private detective, finds himself embroiled in a bizarre case after a frightened man named Tom Turkey asks for protection, fearing he’ll be killed by Thanksgiving. Spade’s investigation uncovers insurance fraud, a faked death, and murder, all wrapped in classic hardboiled banter and radio-era holiday humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Plot Breakdown

1. Thanksgiving Banter and the Case Arrival (00:02 – 05:04)

• Lighthearted Thanksgiving Wrap-up: Effie and Sam exchange festive jabs and details about their respective holiday dinners.
• Tom Turkey’s Entrance: A nervous, middle-aged man with a strawberry birthmark arrives, introducing himself as “Tom Turkey.” He fears he’ll be killed on Thanksgiving.
  • “My name is Tom Turkey and they’re going to kill me for Thanksgiving.” (Tom Turkey, 04:52)
• Sam’s Curiosity: After the odd encounter, Sam receives a warning call from another P.I., Al Kucho, saying Tom’s a crackpot and possibly dangerous to work with.

2. Turkey—or Not Turkey? (05:04 – 09:50)

• Attempted Murder: Sam watches as Tom narrowly avoids being run down by a truck labeled "Haynes – You Drive It," sparking Sam’s suspicion.
• Past Confirmed: Sam confirms Tom Turkey’s existence via old phone records, even though a resident insists “Old man Turkey’s been dead for years.”
• Tom’s Confession: Tom reveals he faked his own suicide in 1943 and fled, tired of his dull life and marriage. He recently returned, longing to reunite with his estranged wife, Henrietta (now using her maiden name, Black).

3. Meet the Former Wife and the Wrong Corpse (09:50 – 13:20)

• Henrietta and the Shady Lawyer: Sam visits Henrietta and her lawyer Leander Luce. She claims ignorance of any letter from Tom and maintains he’s dead.
  • “He’s already dead.” (Henrietta Black, 11:27)
• A Shocking Death: When Sam rushes home, he discovers a homicide scene—but the victim isn’t Tom Turkey, it’s Al Kucho, the shifty private eye from earlier.

4. Digging for the Truth (13:30 – 18:41)

• Truck Tracing: Sam investigates the truck incident, tracing a suspect who used the name “John Smith” and gave a fake address.
• Second Showdown with Henrietta and Luce: Luce attempts to persuade Sam to drop the case. On digging, Sam realizes Tom disappeared exactly seven years ago—Thanksgiving 1943—making him officially dead for insurance purposes the day after Thanksgiving 1950.

5. The Attempted Murder Escalates (18:41 – 21:35)

• Assassination Attempt: Sam is shot at in his office by “John Smith”, the ex-longshoreman killer. Sam survives with minor injuries, realizing that the real motive behind the attacks is insurance money.
  • “Doesn’t it strike you as significant that every attempt on Turkey’s life has been vicious—as if someone not only wanted to kill him, but also mutilate him?…Somebody probably wanted to make identification difficult.” (Sam Spade to Lt. Kelsey, 18:41)

6. The Resolution at the Helping Hand Mission (21:35 – 24:04)

• Helping Hand Rescue Mission: Sam finds Tom hiding among pilgrims at a Thanksgiving charity dinner.
• Tom’s Ordeal: Tom describes how he ran from Sam’s apartment after Al Kucho and “John Smith” burst in and Kucho got shot.
• Insurance Fraud Uncovered: Tom admits Henrietta once had a $50,000 policy on him, which would be collectable after 7 years of his disappearance unless he turned up alive.
• Final Confrontation: Luce and Smith arrive to grab Tom, but Sam—with help—thwarts the plan.
  • “You’re not going to carve Tom Turkey up to your Thanksgiving insurance policy.” (Sam Spade, 24:04)

7. Case Epilogue and Sam's Explanation (24:19 – End)

• Scheme Explained: Luce, Henrietta's business manager, kept the policy alive through secret payments and planned to cash in—using “John Smith” as muscle.

  • “Luce, as Henrietta’s business manager, had her power of attorney and secretly he kept making the payments on Tom Turkey’s insurance policy.” (Sam Spade, 24:32)

• Effie’s Thanksgiving Quip: Effie provides comic relief about a little boy “inside the turkey eating his way out.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Turkey Humor:
  • “They tried, Effie, just tried to pluck my feathers and cook my goose.” (Sam Spade, 00:30)
  • “My name is Tom Turkey and they’re going to kill me for Thanksgiving.” (Tom Turkey, 04:52)
• Holiday Noir:
  • “This was a big week for the cranberry pickers…the sage makers and the stomach pill people. But for private detectives, it was strictly from hunger.” (Sam Spade, 02:24)
• Classic Banter:
  • “Doesn’t it strike you as significant that every attempt on Turkey’s life has been vicious—as if someone not only wanted to kill him, but also mutilate him?” (Sam Spade, 18:41)
• Effie’s Thanksgiving Twist:
  • “He was inside the turkey eating his way out.” (Effie, 25:19)

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Important Timestamps

• 00:30 — Sam explains the ‘fowl’ Thanksgiving predicament
• 04:52 — Tom Turkey’s critical confession
• 09:15 — Tom confides he faked his own suicide
• 11:27 — Henrietta insists Tom is dead
• 13:20 — Discovery: it’s Kucho, not Tom, dead in Sam’s apartment
• 18:41 — Discussion of vicious attempts and insurance fraud
• 21:35 — Tom Turkey resurfaces at the Helping Hand Rescue Mission
• 24:04 — Final confrontation with Luce, attempt to “carve up Tom Turkey” is foiled
• 24:32 — Explanation of the insurance scheme

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Tone and Style

True to the classic Sam Spade radio mysteries: witty, cynical, and brisk, with sharp holiday humor and wordplay (“pluck my feathers and cook my goose”). The dialogue blurs the line between tension and comedy, maintaining a brisk and engaging Golden Age radio pace.

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Summary

Listeners are treated to a quintessentially zany, fast-talking Sam Spade adventure, with Thanksgiving trimmings and classic noir elements. What begins as a seemingly silly plea from a man named “Tom Turkey” soon spirals into a pitched battle over life insurance, faked death, and attempted murder. Holiday puns, twists, and sly banter make this episode a lively dive into radio’s golden age, wrapping up with a satisfying and humorous conclusion.

Transcript

[Sam Spade]

The National Broadcasting Company presents the Adventures of Sam Spade. Detective.

[Effie]

Tom Spade. Detective, I think, sweetheart. Oh, very success. His office. Blinds all over the floor, holes in the wall.

[Sam Spade]

That was just business going on as usual during altercations f. Well, what was.

[Effie]

It all about, sir?

[Sam Spade]

They tried. Effie just tried to pluck my feathers and cook my goose.

[Effie]

I'm Thanksgiving too. How could they?

[Sam Spade]

Oh, they were a mean lot.

[Effie]

Are you all right?

[Sam Spade]

Hail and arty. Every giblet in place and out of feather ruffles. Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?

[Effie]

Oh, it was heavenly. Mama had a turkey dinner. Sage stretching, cranberry sauce handed yards hard.

[Tom Turkey]

Sighting a little come clean.

[Sam Spade]

Effie.

[Effie]

I had two glasses. Everyone was there. Cousin Zwift, Mrs. Fluffy. I was disappointed when you didn't show up. Sam, did you have Thanksgiving dinner?

[Sam Spade]

Sure, at the Helping Hand Rescue Mission, where there's plenty of free parking and never a cover charge. For further details, consult the report which I will presently be down to dictate on a tasty chronicle of foul play. The Terrified Turkey Caper for NBC. William Spear, Radio's Outstanding Producer Director of Mystery and Crime Drama, brings you the greatest private detective of them all in the Adventures of Sam Spade.

[Effie]

Sam.

[Sam Spade]

Oh, you were waiting for me.

[Effie]

Having Thanksgiving dinner at a rescue mission. The mama cooked it perfectly.

[Sam Spade]

Thank you, Mother. For me. Tell her I'll be over to break wishbones with her tonight. And to atone for my social indifferences, here's a little something I brought for you.

[Effie]

Oh, yeah. She shouldn't have. It's beautiful. What is it?

[Sam Spade]

A blunderbuss.

[Effie]

A blunder what?

[Sam Spade]

Bus. As in stuck to the rear.

[Tom Turkey]

Out.

[Effie]

Oh. Well, what does it do?

[Sam Spade]

Shoot Seth, It's a gun. Our founding Fathers used it in foraging for feathered food when they settled this abundant continent. And it's mine to do with what you will.

[Effie]

Where is it?

[Tom Turkey]

Pencil boy?

[Effie]

Knees?

[Tom Turkey]

Clothes?

[Effie]

Did you mean the Founding Father?

[Sam Spade]

Don't.

[Tom Turkey]

Peace.

[Sam Spade]

Date November 24, 1952. Detective Lieutenant I.C. kelsey, Homicide Detail, San Francisco police from Samuel State license number 137596. Subject Turkey. Dear Kelsey, this was a big week for the cranberry pickers, the butchers, the sage makers and the stomach pill people. But for private detectives, it was thickly from hunger. My office door opened only twice a day. Once to let me in and once to let me out. And when on Wednesday, I heard a knock on the door, I went into a paroxysm of delight.

[Effie]

Come in, come in, come in. Humphrey.

[Sam Spade]

Vu.

[Effie]

Humphrey, you said arrive.

[Sam Spade]

When I ran out of languages, I Got up from behind the desk, walked to the door and opened it. Standing there was a small, middle aged man with a pink bald head. His blue surge suit needed pressing, and he was nervously fingering a strawberry birthmark under his Left ear.

[Tom Turkey]

Ears. Mr. Samuel. Speak.

[Sam Spade]

I am.

[Tom Turkey]

May. May I. May I have a moment with you?

[Sam Spade]

May have several, but not in the corridor. It's not in my wreath.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, I'll come in.

[Sam Spade]

Good, good, good.

[Tom Turkey]

Well, you'll have to excuse me, Mr. Spade. I. I've had so few dealings with private detectives, I. I find it hard to begin. Well, I. Oh, perhaps I shouldn't have come at all. Goodbye.

[Sam Spade]

No, no, no, wait a minute. Maybe I can help you.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, you see, I. Oh, what's the use? You won't believe me. Nobody does. I'd really better.

[Sam Spade]

Oh, now, wait, wait. I'll believe you. All I ask is a chance. Now, let's start with your name.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, what? My name? Yes, yes, yes, my name. To begin with. You won't believe that, but I can verify it. Yes, I can. It's on the registration book of the Old Colony hotel, in the 1943 phone book and on my old driver's license.

[Sam Spade]

Well, I'll have to know it before I can verify it.

[Tom Turkey]

Yes, yes, of course you will. It's. It's Tom.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah, now, that's not so hard to believe.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, you haven't heard the rest of it. It's Tom Apache. You see, I told you you wouldn't believe it.

[Sam Spade]

I'd better go. Oh, now, let me be the first to believe you. Now, Mr. Tom, what's your problem?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, dear, dear, that's even harder to explain.

[Sam Spade]

Well, now that I don't believe. But take a breath and jump into it.

[Tom Turkey]

Yes, yes. My name is Tom Turkey and they're going to kill me for Thanksgiving.

[Sam Spade]

Well, I had asked for it and I had gotten it. And I sat back wondering who had gone to all the trouble. The plaintiffs. Funny joke on him. I was looking at my hand to see if there was any itching powder on it where he'd shaken it, when my phone rang. I lifted the receiver, swung around in my swivel and gazed out onto the street. It was Al Kucho calling, a private eye whose reputation was shadier than a mushroom seller. Hi, Spadey. Haven't seen much of you lately. Spaty and I have to get together. Yeah, well, so long. Wait, wait. I'll tell you why I called. I've had a puss in my office, keeps coming back, thinks he's a turkey. Somebody wants to dress. I brushed him, but your name came up and I just wanted to warn you he might be in to see you. I'm confused, Al. I never knew you to turn your back on our butts. Oh, I don't want any of this one. His buttons are loose. My advice to you is to bounce it. Well, we've never traded advice before, Cuchu.

[Tom Turkey]

Why now?

[Sam Spade]

Well, after all, we're in the same racket. If we can't help each other. Oh, sure, Al, sure. I'd appreciate it. Give me a ring. We up to get together sometime? Yeah, when I get a free night, we'll. Jimmy, Parking meters. Yeah, we, huh? Oh, yeah. Parking meters. See you later, sweetie. I turned back to the desk and what I saw in front of me was an empty chair. Tom Turkey had taken wing. I got up and walked to the window. And a minute later I saw him come out of the building downstairs and start to cross the street. And then I saw something else. The large 4 ton truck was tearing down the street, picking up speed. Instinctively, I shouted a warning. And at the last second, Tom Turkey scrambled from in front of the truck and disappeared into the alleyway. The truck roared up the street and on its side was printed in gold letters, Haynes, you drive it. There was nothing to say it wasn't coincidence, this near mishap. But somehow I found myself intrigued and wanting to hear more of the little guy's story. He said the Old Colony Hotel. On the way, I stopped at the library, found an old 1943 phone book and looked. He was listed. Thomas Turkey, it said. Out of curiosity, I rang the number.

[Effie]

Hello.

[Sam Spade]

I wonder if you can help me. I'm inquiring about a Mr. Turkey.

[Effie]

Turkey? This ain't his number no more.

[Sam Spade]

I know.

[Effie]

I've not any calls for him for years. Go to.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah, I know, I know.

[Effie]

I knew a woman named Rabbit once, Mrs. Rabbit.

[Sam Spade]

About Turkey. Could you remember what he looked like?

[Effie]

I don't. Hey, Manny. What Turkey you look like? Yeah, yeah. Small man, around 50. Nice fellow.

[Sam Spade]

Manny say Strawberry under his left ear.

[Effie]

Strawberry under his left ear, Manny. Yeah, Strawberry under his left ear.

[Sam Spade]

Well, thank you, madam, for your information and thanks to Manny.

[Effie]

Well, you're welcome, but I don't know what you're going to do with it. Old man Turkey. Doug Grim, dad. For years.

[Sam Spade]

Curiouser and curiouser, I thought they had described the man who came to my office 20 minutes ago. And now he'd been dead for years. I continued on to the old Colony Hotel room. 75 cents, it said. Tom's room is 114. Who is it? Sam Stage.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, come in, Mr. Stage. I'm. I'm sorry I ran away. I didn't think you really believed.

[Sam Spade]

Well, I'm not sure I do yet. Tell me, was that truck an accident?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, I don't think so. No, they. They made three attempts before to kill me. Somebody tried to push me in front of a train, and then a wheelchair full of cement dropped off a building and just missed me. And then I was shot at.

[Sam Spade]

Who were they and why would they want to kill you?

[Tom Turkey]

I don't know. I just don't know. Look, let's tack, tack, tack.

[Sam Spade]

I dialed your old phone number and the people who answered said you're dead. Oh.

[Tom Turkey]

A lot of people think I'm dead.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah. Look, do you still want me to work for you?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, yes. Yes, please.

[Sam Spade]

Well, you'll have to tell me more then.

[Tom Turkey]

I can't. I guess I'd better tell you everything. Oh, it's. It's hard to talk about, Mr. Spade. It's not easy to admit to someone you've been a foolish man. You see, I just turned 50. I was quite tired of the life I'd led. Proper, dull and unfruitful, excepting money my business was wearing. And so was my wife, Henriette.

[Sam Spade]

This has a traditional ring.

[Tom Turkey]

Anyway, to make it short, I decided to run away. One day I drove to work. I parked my car in the middle of the Bay Bridge where the suicide note left it and disappeared.

[Sam Spade]

Where did you go?

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, all over the world. I took a job on a boat. I did, on a boat. And then I settled in San Paulo, Brazil, under another name. Now you're back. Why? Maybe I got lonely. Maybe I got wiser. Maybe. Maybe I felt I paid enough for my mistakes. Let's just say I'm back. I want to be with Henrietta. Have you seen her? I checked into this hotel and wrote her a letter saying I wasn't dead. I was back in San Francisco and I. I wanted to come back to her if she still would have me. But I told her I wouldn't bother her unless she wanted to see me. That she could contact me here. That was a week ago.

[Sam Spade]

And you haven't heard from her? No, no.

[Tom Turkey]

And almost right away, these attempts on my life began.

[Sam Spade]

I see. All right, what's her address?

[Tom Turkey]

3118 Monroe. Oh, she's taken her maiden name again. Black Henrietta. Bravo.

[Sam Spade]

Come on, let's go.

[Tom Turkey]

No, no, I'm not going to see her until she asks.

[Sam Spade]

Look, you're going to my apartment. Nobody will bother you there.

[Tom Turkey]

And you're going to see Henrietta?

[Sam Spade]

That's right.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Mr. Spade. You. You do believe me, I think I'm really ready to face the world again now.

[Sam Spade]

I deposited Tom in my apartment with instructions to open the door for no one. And then I proceeded to 3118 Monroe in a high rent district. I was ushered through a comely portico by a Japanese maid who told me to wait in a study heavy with mahogany. In a moment, two people came in. The woman wore a black dress, silver pendant flat shoes and a complexion the color of apple meat. She was Ms. Henrietta Black and or Mrs. Tom Turkey. The man turned out to be Leander Loose, the ladies attorney, business manager and can ask a partner.

[Effie]

You say you have something important to.

[Tom Turkey]

Discuss with me, Mr.

[Effie]

Stage?

[Sam Spade]

I do.

[Effie]

I hope you don't mind my asking.

[Tom Turkey]

Mr. Luce to be here.

[Sam Spade]

Not at all, Mrs. Turkey. I just talked to your husband, Tom. Mr. Spade, if you please, I say something.

[Effie]

A rather feeble attempt at comedy, Mr. Stable.

[Sam Spade]

Well, I wasn't trying for a laugh. You are Mr. Turkey, aren't you?

[Effie]

I was.

[Sam Spade]

You undoubtedly still are.

[Effie]

I've expected to hear another one of.

[Sam Spade]

These cruel jokes about my own at Thanksgiving time. Mr. Spade, someone was always going to stuff, pound, baste him, dress him, slice him. This season they're going to kill him.

[Effie]

They are not going to kill him. He's already dead.

[Sam Spade]

He's not dead, Mrs. Turkey, and you should not.

[Effie]

I should?

[Sam Spade]

Yes. He sent you a letter saying he was back in San Francisco and wanted to see you. Mr. Spade, this has gone absolutely far enough. Not quite. What about the letter?

[Tom Turkey]

I know of no such letter.

[Sam Spade]

I see. Well, thank you for your time. I'm sorry I bothered you. You used bad judgment in cunning in the first place.

[Tom Turkey]

Yes, maybe you're right.

[Sam Spade]

There was falsehood in this someplace, Lieutenant, and it stuck out like a fat girl in Splash. The only thing to do was to go back to my apartment, get Tom turkey and confront Mrs. T with her husband in the flesh. When I got back to my apartment building, I spotted in rapid succession one, an ambulance to a police car. And upstairs, outside my half open apartment door, I spotted three. You. I've been expecting it. What's going on, Chelsea? Serious, Sam, serious. Who's that bald headed man moving around your puff? That's McCracken, the new medical examiner, checking a stiff on your rug. I stepped around you, Lieutenant, and pushed the door all the way open. I saw McCracken kneeling over the body and a couple of men from Homicide taking photos. I moved into the room feeling nothing good. A little guy had given me a job and while I was yacking with his wife, somebody got to him. And in my apartment where I'd stashed him, McClen stood up and I looked down at the body. Then I looked again. Who I saw wasn't Tom Turkey at all. It was the late private eye, Al Kuto. You are listening to the weekly adventure of radio's most famous detective, Bam Babe.

[Tom Turkey]

You are listening to Ron's amazing stories.

[Sam Spade]

And now back to the terrified Turkey caper. Tonight's adventure with Sam Spade. While the men from Homicide were taking pictures etc, you and I, lieutenants, were going round and round on the question, if I didn't kill the man found in my room, who did? And you were sufficiently impressed with my insult, Kelsey, not to hold me for the murder. We bowed to each other and I left. Thinking back to the truck that had almost run Turkey down. I went to the Haynes. You drive? Truck rental garage.

[Effie]

What are you?

[Sam Spade]

I mean, what do you want? I'm a detective. Could you give me a list of names for everybody who rented a truck from you during the past few days? Sure. He handed me a big registration book and I read every name for the past week. For the first five days they all seemed to be nice, normal, abnormal names. And then under the rentals for the day before was the name of the John Smith. John had given his address a 7200 tourney. And I happen to know the cherney only goes up to 20 under. The dispatcher said that Smith had returned the truck about three hours before and he remembered him as an ugly, heavy set and rough voiced character who looked like an ex longshoreman. They had already washed the truck so the fingerprints were all locked up. Well, it's Mr. Spade again. Look, I'd like to speak with Mr. Turt, Ms. Black, if you don't mind. Come in, come in. Thank you. This way. Into the den. Right. Well, I was sure you'd look into this affair a little more and realize that it was just a blind alley, a hulk of some kind. Where's Ms. Black? Oh, she's upstairs lying down. The whole affair is upset her and she asked not to be disturbed. I think the wisest course of action for you, Mr. Spade, is just to let the matter drop. You can't let a murder Just drop, Mr. Lewis. The police wouldn't hear of it.

[Tom Turkey]

Huh?

[Sam Spade]

Murder? Who? An unfrocked private detective named Al Kucho. What does this have to do with Henrietta Black. Al Kucho called me earlier today and said that Tom Turkey was a crackpot. A little man with delusions. He tried to top me off taking his case. He sounds like a perceiving man. Well, he didn't perceive. Ending up in my apartment with a bullet in his head. Well, that's too bad. But I still. I left Tom Turkey in my apartment for so long and when I returned he was gone and Cucho was dead. Well, that explains itself. Obviously this detective knew that Tom Turkey was a foamy and Turkey killed him. It can figure that way and a number of other ways. Mr. Spade, I have no desire to sit here trading subtleties with you. As yet, no one has demonstrated that the real Tom Turkey actually exists alive. Now, until you do have something more concrete and less mythological, Ms. Black requests that you do not come around opening up old rooms. You've made an eloquent tort. Just tell me one thing, if I can. When did Tom Turkey disappear? I mean, what month? What day it was. Oh, yes, 1943. November. But I'm not sure the exact day. I think it was in the third week. Could it have been on Thanksgiving? Very possibly. Very possibly. I returned thoughtfully to my office and did a little rapid mental arithmetic and came up with a number six. 7. From November 23, 1943 to November 23, 1950 was seven years to the day. And I pondered this. What did the number seven mean to the life or death of Tom Turkey? I had just hit upon the answer and was crying eureka. When my office door opened unknocked and a visitor came in unannounced. He was ugly, heavyset and looked like an ex longshoreman. I waited to see if a voice checked. You, Spade. Who shall I say is called Captain John Smith? And here's my calling card. The first bullet raised my shoulder and tore the padding out of my coat. The second bullet hit the water cooler and it crashed over water and all on top of me. There the third bullet hit. I wasn't sure at the time because I can't say muching through my head like a freight opened my eyes again. I expected to see St. Peter checking my ID card, but all I saw were the dust falls under my desk and apply bathing itself in a pool of water spreading slowly over the floor. There was blood on my hand, but it came from a glass cut. I was in shambles, but alive. Captain John Smith had shoved off, obviously thinking his bullets had done their work. Homicide, Lieutenant Kelsey. Damn. Kelsey, have you found anything more about Pontucky? Nothing. Sam Frankly, I'm beginning to wonder if there is such a guy. Well, clever, Kelsey. A few minutes ago, a gorilla by the name, believe it or not, of Captain John Smith just tried to kill me in my office. Oh, go on, Sam. I find it hard to think. You find it hard to think, period. Really, Sam, did you get him? No, but my office is a wreck and there's a hole blasted in my wall big enough to put a basketball in. What did he use, a bazooka? I figured. Dum dum.

[Tom Turkey]

Bullets.

[Sam Spade]

Dum dum. That's illegal, ain't it? Kelsey, doesn't it strike you as significant that every attempt on Turkey's life has been vicious? As if someone not only wanted to kill him, but also mutilate him? Yeah, yeah, now that you mention it, somebody probably wanted to make identification difficult. Even then. They didn't want anybody to know who he was. Now listen carefully, Kelsey. This is real deep, Tom. Turkey disappeared on Thanksgiving of 1943. A person has to be missing seven years before he can be legally dead and his insurance collected. Now, if someone had Turkey insured, they could collect the day after this Thanksgiving if Turkey didn't show up before. You mean somebody's trying to kill him for the insurance? I would say so, Kelsey. I would say so. Now hurry up and find us. When I put down the phone, I heard a heavy pounding. For a minute I thought it was in my head until I turned to face the door, and standing there was a small pilgrim with bandy legs in black stockings, pantaloons, white collared coat and silk type hat. He wore silver buckles and what he was pounding on the floor was an 18th century blunderbuss. Hallelujah.

[Tom Turkey]

Have I got the right place full?

[Sam Spade]

Offhand, I'd say so. If you're looking for Captain John Smith, he just left. Pocahontas is expected any minute. Don't you go trying to confuse me. I'm too thirsty. What's on your mind? Well, I'm. I'm. I'm looking for a fellow named Dan. Oh, I'm so thirsty I forgot. Sam Spade.

[Effie]

Yeah, that's it.

[Sam Spade]

That's it.

[Tom Turkey]

Yeah. Ah.

[Sam Spade]

Oh, you broke your water bottle, huh? Yeah. Good, good. That stuff's poison anyway.

[Effie]

Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

[Tom Turkey]

Hey, say, do you happen to have any hard cider around?

[Sam Spade]

Fresh out.

[Tom Turkey]

Fair.

[Sam Spade]

I'm kind of thirsty.

[Tom Turkey]

You know, any type of corn squeezing.

[Sam Spade]

Here, try this, dad. Good, huh? You like that, huh? Hey, pardon me, but before we go, do you suppose we could have a little something from the road? It's very cold. I gave him a little, but not too much because I didn't want him to lose his way. He walked me right down Market street so he could look in the liquor store windows. He said it gave him a comfortable feeling to know there was so much good in the world. And then we turned right a few blocks until we came to the Helping Hand Mission. Across its gray front, a banner promised special holiday food and comfort to the unfortunate. And on the street in front of it, there was a brass band sending out signals to the fraternity. But any minute the great feast of thanksgiving would begin. The band members and other volunteer workers were all dressed as pilgrims. But quaint conceit. My pilgrim led me to a dark corner of the clubroom. And sitting there unhappily was none other than Tom Kirchy.

[Tom Turkey]

Hello, Mr. Poll.

[Sam Spade]

Hello, Tom. What happened to my apartment? Why did you run away?

[Tom Turkey]

Well, I was afraid. You told me not to answer the door until you came back. Well, somebody knocked on the door and.

[Sam Spade]

Said it was you.

[Tom Turkey]

So I opened it and two men came in.

[Sam Spade]

Tommy was one of the male cooches.

[Tom Turkey]

Yes, yes, the detective. The other man was a big, ugly looking fellow. And when they saw I was alone, they started arguing.

[Sam Spade]

About what?

[Tom Turkey]

Well, the detective said that now that he brought the ugly man there, he wanted his money. The ugly man pulled a gun and they started to fight. Oh, dear. I slipped out the door and when I was halfway downstairs, I heard a shot and kept on running.

[Sam Spade]

Well, Al Kuchel is dead.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, my. I thought so this was the end. The of only place I could think of to hide. Oh, when Henrietta finds out I've been mixed up in a murder, she'll never take me back.

[Sam Spade]

Henrietta. Hey, tell me, did your wife ever have any insurance on you?

[Tom Turkey]

Before I ran away, she did. A fifty thousand dollar policy, but. Oh, that would have lapsed by now. Maybe.

[Sam Spade]

Did it have a suicide clause in it?

[Tom Turkey]

Suicide? Well, no. No, it didn't. I remember.

[Sam Spade]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd like to talk to Henrietta, wouldn't you? All right. Here's your phone number. Call her up and tell her where you are.

[Tom Turkey]

Oh, dear, I. I don't think I could. I'm too frump.

[Sam Spade]

You've got to do something to help yourself. If you don't by midnight, you might be a cold turkey. I'm sorry. Just.

[Tom Turkey]

All right, I'll do it.

[Sam Spade]

Ellie went and made the call. When he returned, he said that a man had answered who said Henrietta would come down and pick Tom up. He didn't want to wait But I sat on him. The pilgrim brought us a dish of turkey dinner, saying he couldn't stand food himself. And we munched the spell. In a little while, a limousine pulled up in front of a nation with someone in back whom I couldn't see. A chauffeur stepped out and came in inquiring for Tom Turkey. It was Captain John Smith himself. When he saw me, a look of shocked surprise came over his unhandsome face. Hoping to catch him off balance, I pulled at him. It was the liveliest thing that has happened at the Helping Hand mission in years. And we had a good house, too. Money was even changing hands. When I heard the odds starting to go against me, I realized I'd better come up with something. And I did. The bandy legs pilgrim shoved this Wonderbar right in my hand and I swung this dropped like pheasant on the wing. I looked up. The passenger from the limousine was just coming in. What's the meaning of this? It means, Leander Luce, that you're not going to carve Tom Turkey up to your Thanksgiving insurance policy.

[Effie]

Hallelujah. Is it?

[Sam Spade]

Hey, drum check.

[Tom Turkey]

Anyone? Period.

[Sam Spade]

End of report.

[Effie]

Sam, I don't understand.

[Sam Spade]

Well, it's as plain as the cranberry stain on your dress, sir. Luce, as Henrietta's business manager, had her power of attorney and secretly he kept making the payments on calm turkeys and insurance policy.

[Effie]

Oh, and then he collect fire Maretta and heat the money himself.

[Sam Spade]

E. Sometimes your lightning mind frightens me. Now go type that up.

[Effie]

Here's a Sam, the man who killed Auco and tried to kill say you, was his name really Captain John Smith?

[Sam Spade]

No. Wey, could we have a Thanksgiving caper without a Captain John Smith? It wouldn't be right.

[Effie]

That's a coincidence, wasn't it?

[Sam Spade]

Well, if you promise not to tell anyone his real name was Michael Jeppe Yablonsky Smith. I called him John for sure.

[Effie]

You're so kind.

[Sam Spade]

Are we going over to your mother's.

[Tom Turkey]

For cold turkey snacks?

[Effie]

Well, all right, but I don't think there'll be much left. Oh, you see, my cousins couldn't find a little boy on mother phone and said we just found him. He was inside the turkey eating his way out.

[Sam Spade]

Essie, is there no way to curb that tongue of yours?

[Tom Turkey]

There's one way.

[Sam Spade]

Well, come here.

[Effie]

Oh.

[Tom Turkey]

Good night. Good night, sweetheart. Sam.