The Danny Kaye Show 1945-01-20 (003) The Milking Machine

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Danny Kaye Show 1945-01-20 (003) The Milking Machine

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Episode: The Danny Kaye Show 1945-01-20 (003) The Milking Machine
• Release Date: May 10, 2025
• Description: Relive the Golden Age of Radio with classic shows like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, Dragnet, and more. Gather around the radio with your family and enjoy timeless entertainment.

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1. The Auction Fiasco

Timestamp: [00:52] - [03:23]

The episode kicks off with Danny Kaye, portrayed by Ken Niles, and his sidekick, Lionel Stander, humorously lamenting their inability to find a new movie to watch. Lionel exclaims, "Gosh, Danny, we've walked all over town, we can't find a movie we haven't seen. Why is that?" ([00:52]).

Their search leads them to an advertising banner for Action Today, which Lionel enthusiastically believes will offer a gangster picture featuring Flynn, Raft, and Cagney. However, Ken quickly corrects him: "Lionel, that sign says Auction Today. And that's Flynn, Rafferty and Carney. They're not actors, they're auctioneers." ([01:27]-[01:37]).

Curiosity piqued, Lionel persuades Danny to attend the auction. Inside, they encounter an eccentric auctioneer selling a "1943 model gentle action milking machine." Lionel inquires, "She. Danny, do they get milk from machines these days?" ([02:15]-[02:19]).

Despite Danny's initial hesitation to bid, Lionel gets carried away and purchases the milking machine for $115. The confusion escalates when Danny attempts to back out, explaining he doesn't own a farm or cow, leading to comedic tension between the two friends.

Notable Quote:

• Auctioneer: "Sold in the blood for 115. Just give the cashier your check for $115, my boy." ([02:57])

2. The Milking Machine at the Studio

Timestamp: [03:07] - [08:19]

Returning to the studio with the unexpected purchase, Danny fears the reaction of his co-star, Eve Arden. Lionel jokes, "Boy, when you tell Eve odin that you bought a milking machine, she'll really blow her top." ([03:36]).

Upon reuniting, Eve expresses her frustration with Danny's mysterious purchase. Danny stumbles through explanations, inadvertently revealing that the milking machine is a result of a misunderstood auction bid triggered by Lionel's innocent question about the time.

Notable Quotes:

• Eve Arden: "A milking machine? Are you out of your mind?" ([05:44])
• Ken: "You are now looking at a man who has legally adopted a milking machine." ([05:38])

The situation escalates as Lionel attempts to demonstrate the machine, leading to a chaotic scene where Eve demands its removal. The friends scramble to dispose of the machine, resulting in slapstick humor and physical comedy.

3. Musical Interlude

Timestamp: [08:19] - [12:19]

To shift the mood, Harry James and his band take the spotlight with a vibrant performance of "St. Louis Blues." Harry James welcomes listeners with, "Sam." ([08:55]).

Following the instrumental break, Ken Niles introduces a humorous blues song titled "Pabst Blue Ribbon Blues," blending advertising seamlessly into the narrative. Danny humorously requests an extensive rendition of the song, leading to a playful musical exchange that highlights the era's unique blend of entertainment and sponsorship.

Notable Quote:

• Ken Niles: "How can it be Splendid. If it isn't blended blue... I've got those Never be forgiven if it ain't Blue Ribbon Blues in the sut." ([12:19])

4. The Inspector Kaye Mystery

Timestamp: [13:10] - [22:19]

The episode transitions into a comedic mystery segment featuring Inspector HIJK of Scotland Yard, portrayed by Danny Kaye. This whodunit centers around the peculiar case of a missing toothpick, humorously exaggerated as the "most daring robbery in years."

Inspector HIJK interacts with Sergeant Lionel Stander, navigating through baffling clues such as two tire treads, cigar ash, and a mysterious footprint from Grauman's Chinese Theater. The investigation, filled with puns and wordplay, satirizes classic detective tropes.

Notable Quotes:

• Harry James (Inspector HIJK): "Missing toothpick? Pointed problem, sticky thing." ([14:55])
• Eve Arden: "Seriously, you are the one always hounding. If I didn't do it, I tell you I didn't do it." ([20:58])

Amidst the confusion, Inspector HIJK uncovers that the toothpick was in the cook's quarters, leading to a humorous resolution where the missing item is found, and the case is theatrically closed.

5. Elocution Lesson and Closing Remarks

Timestamp: [22:19] - [29:09]

Post-mystery, the show returns to a lighter tone with an elocution lesson aimed at Lionel Stander's character, who struggles with emotional expression. Danny Kaye coaches him through repetitive phrases, humorously tying in the Pabst Blue Ribbon advertising jingle.

Notable Quote:

• Danny Kaye: "For there is no finer blend than Pabst Blue Ribbon." ([26:42])

The episode concludes with a heartfelt appeal from Ken Niles regarding the "March of Dimes," highlighting the societal efforts to combat infantile paralysis. While the user requested to skip advertisements, this segment, although promotional, serves as a poignant finale to the show's comedic elements.

Closing Quote:

• Ken Niles: "Our dimes can help. Yes, and our dollars. Send them to President Roosevelt at the White House." ([27:36])

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Conclusion:

The Danny Kaye Show masterfully blends humor, music, and light-hearted mystery, encapsulating the charm of the Golden Age of Radio. From accidental purchases of milking machines to whimsical detective cases, the episode provides a delightful listening experience filled with memorable quotes and engaging interactions among beloved characters. Whether you're a longtime fan or new to these classic shows, this episode offers both nostalgia and timeless entertainment.

Transcript

[Danny Kaye]

This is the Danny K. Show with Eve Arden, Lionel Stander, yours truly, Ken Niles and the outstanding music of America's top band, Harry James and his music maker. Your entertainment caps Blue Ribbon. 33 fine brews blended into one great beer presents 33 fine talents blended into one great comedian, Danny Cage.

[Lionel Stander]

Gosh, Danny, we've walked all over town, we can't find a movie we haven't seen. Why is that?

[Ken Niles]

I guess maybe we saw them all, huh?

[Lionel Stander]

Yeah, but. But ain't it funny? Every theater you took me to was playing the same picture, up in Arms.

[Ken Niles]

Well, that's a coincidence, isn't it? You want to see it again?

[Lionel Stander]

Gee, Danny, how about seeing a gangster picture shooting Bang Bang and all that stuff? Hey, look at that banner. There's just the kind of picture I like. Action today. And what a cast. Flynn, Raft and Cagney.

[Ken Niles]

Lionel, that sign says Auction today. And that's Flynn, Rafferty and Carney. They're not actors, they're auctioneers.

[Lionel Stander]

Well, what are they doing in the movie?

[Ken Niles]

Lionel, it is not a movie. It's an auction sale.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, I heard about them auctions, but I never seen one. Let's go in and watch.

[Ken Niles]

All right, but listen, don't let them talk into buying anything. Come on.

[Auctioneer]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, this next article here is a very rare one indeed for these times. I don't have to tell you how hard it is to get any sort of mechanical appliances. But we have here a practically new article that all of you who have farms or ranches should really bid for. I am referring to this genuine 1943 model gentle action milking machine.

[Lionel Stander]

She. Danny, do they get milk from machines these days?

[Ken Niles]

No, Lionel. First the machine gets it from the cow.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, that's nice.

[Auctioneer]

All right, now, come, come, let's get going. I want a good, solid bit for this mechanical marvel. The Farmer's Helper, the Cow's Friend. Now, what Do I hear?

[Danny Kaye]

$75.

[Auctioneer]

$75. $75. Do I hear an 80? I got an 80. I got an 80. Do I hear 85? Do I hear 85? Do I Hear 90?

[Eve Arden]

90.

[Ken Niles]

Thank you.

[Auctioneer]

Do I hear.

[Ken Niles]

Come on, Lionel, we better get over to the studio.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, wait a minute, Danny. This is fun.

[Auctioneer]

Do I hear 100? Do I hear 100? 100. 100. Do I hear 110? Do I hear a 110?

[Lionel Stander]

Hey, Danny, what time is it?

[Ken Niles]

1:15.

[Auctioneer]

Sold in the blood for 115. Just give the cashier your check for $115, my boy.

[Ken Niles]

Who, me?

[Auctioneer]

Yes, sir. And you'll never regret buying this milking machine.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, wait a minute, mister. I don't want a milking machine. My friend just asked me what time it was and I told him.

[Auctioneer]

Young man, if you knew what time it was, you wouldn't be here. Now, just see the cashier.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, but wait a minute. I don't need a milking machine. I haven't got a cow. I haven't got a farm. And even if I had a cow, supposing I do get a cow.

[Harry James]

Mother.

[Lionel Stander]

Well, Danny, here we are at the studio. Boy, when you tell eve odin that you bought a milking machine, she'll really blow her top.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, now, look, Lionel, how about you going in and telling her you're much more of a diplomat than I am?

[Lionel Stander]

Well, I'm much more of a coward than you are, too. You tell her.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, all right. You stay out here with the machine, and if anyone comes along and wants to know what time it is, sell it to him.

[Lionel Stander]

Okay?

[Ken Niles]

Well, here I go. Into the lion's mouth. Hi, Evie.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, hello, Danny. Where have you been?

[Ken Niles]

Oh, Lionel and I were out looking for a movie, but we couldn't find one we hadn't seen, so we just walked along and trying to find a movie we hadn't seen or anything. So I had to open my big mouth and we wound up doing some shopping.

[Eve Arden]

Well, where's lionel now?

[Ken Niles]

Oh, he's outside with it.

[Eve Arden]

Outside with what with it.

[Ken Niles]

I t it. Now do you want me to spell cat? C A.

[Eve Arden]

Will you stop? Now, what did you buy? Another suit?

[Ken Niles]

Not exactly.

[Eve Arden]

Well, is it something you wear?

[Ken Niles]

Well, I can't wear it. But it.

[Eve Arden]

Danny, will you stop stalling? What did you buy?

[Ken Niles]

Can I stop there and not try for the $64? No.

[Eve Arden]

What did you buy?

[Ken Niles]

Well, I. No coaching from the audience, please.

[Eve Arden]

What did you buy?

[Ken Niles]

I'll be sorry. Let's put it this way, evie. When a waitress asks you what you want to drink, what does she usually say?

[Eve Arden]

Coffee, tea or milk?

[Ken Niles]

That's it. Milk. Now, where does milk come from?

[Eve Arden]

A cow.

[Harry James]

That's right.

[Ken Niles]

But who gets the milk from the cow?

[Eve Arden]

Whoever milks the cow.

[Harry James]

That's right.

[Ken Niles]

But instead of a whoever, I bought a whatever.

[Eve Arden]

A whatever?

[Ken Niles]

Yes. You are now looking at a man who has legally adopted a milking machine.

[Eve Arden]

A milking machine? Are you out of your mind? And why do I ask?

[Ken Niles]

Well, Lionel asked me what time it was. I told him, and boom, I had a milking machine.

[Eve Arden]

And boom, you had a milking machine?

[Mr. J]

Yes.

[Eve Arden]

Listen, lum and abner you take that whatever back to wherever you bought it. And get your money back right now.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, I wished I could.

[Lionel Stander]

Hey, Danny, a guy just came up to me and asked me what time it was. I told him five, ten, and nothing happened.

[Eve Arden]

Listen, Stander, come in here and bring that electric octopus with you, okay?

[Lionel Stander]

Ain't it a beauty, Masadin?

[Ken Niles]

Yeah. Eve, you'll love this thing when you see how it works. Hey. Hey, put the plug in the socket there, Lionel.

[Lionel Stander]

Okay, Contact.

[Harry James]

Contact.

[Eve Arden]

Shut it off, Danny. For heaven's sake. Shut it off, Danny. Shut it off. Now, Mr. K, would you mind giving me back my skirt?

[Ken Niles]

Now, don't get excited, Evie. I'll have it out in a minute.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, damn it.

[Ken Niles]

There. See?

[Mr. J]

Hello, everybody.

[Ken Niles]

Hello, Mr. J. Hey, look. Hey, Harry, you got here just in time. Look what I've got.

[Mr. J]

Well, I'll be darned. What is it, an electric bagpipe?

[Eve Arden]

Not unless you want to play Cow Cow Boogie. For your information, Harry, our cowless Mr. K. Has bought himself a milking machine.

[Mr. J]

Hey, Danny, what are you going to do with it? Milk coconuts.

[Ken Niles]

Look, I got an idea. We could take these little rubber suction nozzles. Put them on somebody's head, turn it on. You could give them a wonderful scalp treat.

[Eve Arden]

Are you kidding? A milking machine for a scalp treatment?

[Lionel Stander]

Certainly. It's an innovation. Homogenized dandruff.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, this is ridiculous. Now, Danny, genius number one and Lionel, genius number one and a half. Take that infernal machine back this minute.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, I think she means it, Lionel. Come on. We better go. Well, we're back, Evie. Everything's all right now.

[Lionel Stander]

Yep. Everything's hunky dunky.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, you got rid of the milking machine, huh?

[Ken Niles]

Oh, we did better than that. Open the door, Lionel. No.

[Eve Arden]

What is that?

[Lionel Stander]

Well, it ain't Frank Sinatras, is there?

[Danny Kaye]

Before we hear any further from these milking machine magnets. I think we better hear Harry James and his music makers. As they play their solid arrangement of the St. Louis Blues.

[Harry James]

Sam.

[Ken Niles]

It.

[Harry James]

It's.

[Ken Niles]

Ah, that was wonderful, Harry. Just wonderful.

[Mr. J]

Thank you, Danny. You like blues?

[Ken Niles]

I tell you, if you give it, I take it. You know, I've written a blues song myself.

[Mr. J]

You have? What do you call it? The Milking Machine Blues or Mood Indigo?

[Ken Niles]

No, this is the Pabst Blue Ribbon Blues. Would you like to hear it?

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, I would. Danny, sing 50 or 60 choruses for me.

[Ken Niles]

All right. Stand by, Niles, you bottle polisher, you. Let's do it, Harry. I've got those. How can it be Splendid. If it isn't blended blue I've got those how can it be beautiful if it isn't brutal? All my spirits are collapsed when my spirits aren't past I've got the shoot them all to me if I'm wrong Go on and fill me blue.

[Harry James]

I'm.

[Ken Niles]

A loyal papstah from my head to shoes I do wear shoes can't go wishing on a star unless it's 33 to the bar oh, 33 I hear your call with me it's all or nothing at all I've got those Never be forgiven if it ain't Blue Ribbon Blues in the sut.

[Danny Kaye]

And now, neighbors, our Pat's Blue river urban blues salesman Danny Kaye assumes a more dramatic role as he takes his magnifying glass in hand, dons his monocle and gum shoes and presto, change o. He becomes that famous super sleuth, Inspector HIJK of Scotland Yard. Ready, Danny?

[Harry James]

Right, Right. Quite, quite, quite. Right.

[Lionel Stander]

Right.

[Harry James]

Quite. Harry the downbeat Harry.

[Lionel Stander]

How did you recognize my voice before I spoke?

[Harry James]

Obvious, my boy. Obvious. Know that voice anywhere.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, I never thought of that. What's up, Chief?

[Harry James]

Outrageous crime. The case of the missing toothpick.

[Lionel Stander]

Missing toothpick?

[Harry James]

Yes, missing toothpick. Pointed problem, sticky thing. What? Most daring robbery in years. The toothpick was stolen right out from under the chap's nose. Amazing. Where are you, Sergeant?

[Lionel Stander]

Trafalgar Square, by the clock. I'm standing right under the six.

[Harry James]

Good work, Sergeant. Good work. I'll be over before you can say Jack Robinson.

[Lionel Stander]

Jack.

[Harry James]

Hello, Sergeant. Sorry I'm late. Fault, you know. Beastly stuff. Can't even see Big Ben. Wonder what time it is.

[Ken Niles]

Bong.

[Harry James]

Bong.

[Ken Niles]

Thanks, Ben.

[Harry James]

Sergeant, do you have a hack waiting?

[Lionel Stander]

Yes, Chief. Right by the lamppost.

[Harry James]

Blast this fog. Where is the lamp post? Thanks, rover. Come, Sergeant, let's hop into the hack and hire hints.

[Auctioneer]

Hold up, Nelly. Step in, Gunny.

[Harry James]

Right here. Oops. Blasted manhole. I say there, driver, we're in a fight. Frightful rush. Can't you make that horse go faster?

[Ken Niles]

Right, El.

[Auctioneer]

Eat it up, Nelly.

[Harry James]

Amazing horse.

[Lionel Stander]

Here's the house now, chief.

[Harry James]

Oh, thank you. Pull up, driver.

[Auctioneer]

Right, Ely. Hold up, Nelly.

[Harry James]

Amazing horse.

[Danny Kaye]

Good evening, Inspector Kaye.

[Harry James]

Good evening, siles.

[Danny Kaye]

You'll find Mr. James Horn in the bodies in the dining room, sir.

[Harry James]

Bodies? What bodies?

[Danny Kaye]

Well, there's Mr. Ames, Mr. Beaman, Mr. Cecil, Mr. Devers. You see, sir, I took the liberty of stacking them alphabetically.

[Harry James]

Neat work. Neat work. Neat work. Come on, Sergeant. Ah, Mr. James Hall.

[Mr. J]

Ah, Inspector.

[Harry James]

K. Oh, that's very good.

[Auctioneer]

Very good.

[Lionel Stander]

Enough of these formalities.

[Harry James]

When did you first miss your toothpick?

[Mr. J]

When the 13 guests dropped dead. It was an awful shock. I was greatly attached to that toothpick. Family heirloom, you know.

[Harry James]

Yes. No, just what you mean. Exactly what you mean. Generation to generation, hand to mouth, cheek to cheek. Cherry darms?

[Ken Niles]

No, thanks. No, thanks, Anthony.

[Harry James]

Oh, that's quite all right. Very well, Sergeant. Did you find any clues?

[Lionel Stander]

Not yet, Chief.

[Harry James]

Well, it's a very good thing we brought our own, you know. What clues do we have left over from our last case?

[Lionel Stander]

Let's see. Two tire treads, a cigar ash, a guilty look, a shriek in the dark, and a footprint from Grauman's Chinese Theater.

[Harry James]

Top hole, Sergeant. Top hole. Scatter them about a bit, will you?

[Lionel Stander]

Okay, Chief.

[Harry James]

33 fine clues blended into one great beer. Tell me, Mr. James Horn, how many of your butlers have been murdered?

[Mr. J]

Six, including the one I have now.

[Danny Kaye]

But, sir, I haven't been murdered yet.

[Ken Niles]

Poor fellow spoke too soon.

[Mr. J]

Has he been done in?

[Lionel Stander]

Yes, I think he's been done in. Unless he always wears a knife in.

[Harry James]

Mr. James Horn, I have reason to suspect that butler didn't like you.

[Mr. J]

But why do you say that, Inspector?

[Harry James]

Oh, a very simple matter of deduction, old boy.

[Ken Niles]

The thumbprint on his nose.

[Mr. J]

Well, what. What does that have to do with it?

[Harry James]

Why, think of it, man. Just think of it. It's his own thumbprint. I'm afraid this confirms my worst suspicions.

[Lionel Stander]

Hey, Chief, I think I found a toothpick.

[Eve Arden]

Ouch. Take your hand off my leg, you blighter.

[Ken Niles]

And who are you, young lady?

[Eve Arden]

I'm eva the cook. Mr. James Horn. I'm unable to find the carbon knife. Have you seen it?

[Mr. J]

You'll find it right there in the butler's bag.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, so it is. I'm always misplacing it.

[Lionel Stander]

Gee, look at this slip of paper. I found it in the kitchen.

[Ken Niles]

Now, let me take one look at it. Oh, yes. Aha. Aham.

[Lionel Stander]

Ohoh.

[Ken Niles]

Two pounds of cyanide, three pounds of arsenic, a pint of iodine, a dash of carbolic acid.

[Eve Arden]

Hmm.

[Harry James]

I hardly know what to make of this. What do you make of it, cook?

[Eve Arden]

Salad, dressing.

[Harry James]

Aha. Now I recognize you. You are Eva Harden, alias Salad sal, alias Hector McSnivelly, alias Horrible Hector, alias Harry the Finch, alias the Ipswich snitch.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, why must you keep hounding me like this? Day and night, night and day, you are the one always hounding. If I didn't do it, I Tell you I didn't do it. You won't make me talk, no matter how much you torture me, how much you threaten me, how much you browbeat me, how much you question me, how much you. Do I sound like Ida Lupino?

[Ken Niles]

You sound more like Ida Cantor.

[Harry James]

Sergeant. Sergeant. Slip the bracelets on her.

[Lionel Stander]

I left them home, Chief. I just slipped my arm around her waist.

[Harry James]

That's a stout fellow.

[Lionel Stander]

Stout girl, too, Sergeant.

[Harry James]

I'm afraid that ends the case.

[Lionel Stander]

Amazing.

[Ken Niles]

Hey, hey.

[Mr. J]

Just a minute. What about my toothpick?

[Harry James]

It's a very simple matter, Mr. James.

[Ken Niles]

Go upstairs to the cook's quarters and you'll find your toothpick in the middle.

[Harry James]

Drawer of the dresser.

[Ken Niles]

And now we'll be on our way.

[Harry James]

Tally ho, pip, pip, what?

[Ken Niles]

Hey. Yes. Tally ho, pip, pip, what?

[Harry James]

Ho, ho, Tally, pip, pip, hey.

[Ken Niles]

Ho, ho, ho. Tally, pip, ho, what?

[Harry James]

Pipe topping.

[Ken Niles]

Hey. Yes.

[Lionel Stander]

See, that was amazing. But how could you be so sure the toothpick was in the middle drawer?

[Ken Niles]

Very simple, Sergeant. There are only three drawers in the dresser. Do you have any reason to believe it was in the top drawer?

[Lionel Stander]

No.

[Ken Niles]

Do you have any reason to believe it was in the bottom drawer?

[Lionel Stander]

No.

[Danny Kaye]

Amazing, Danny, amazing. But you know, those mystery plays, they kind of scare me.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, you poor kid. What are you getting at, Kenneth?

[Danny Kaye]

Well, I. I'd like to hear you do something soft and sweet and soothing.

[Ken Niles]

All right. I. If Harry will give me some soothing music, we can kind of make this a little soft, a little sweet and a little Russian gesund. Very pretty. I should like to delve into the Slavic food and do a song that my father wrote for me. When he was nine weeks old.

[Lionel Stander]

He.

[Ken Niles]

Used to take me on his knee and say, kolya, my little gypsy, it's time for you to become a man. Time for you to go out in the world and learn the facts of life. So I packed my little karzink and I left. I wandered over hills and dales, small villages and pretty cities. And then I met my first woman. She was gorgeous. Sensationally beautiful. When she walked, was like a little gazelle strolling in the pasture. And when she spoke her voice. Her voice was like the voice of angels.

[Harry James]

Soft and mellow.

[Ken Niles]

She used to croon this plaintive gypsy melody. Dina, is there anyone. Athena in the state of Carolina? If there is and you know her, show her to me.

[Harry James]

Odina with heredity Eyes blazing. How I love to. To sit and gaze to the ease.

[Ken Niles]

Of dinnerly I know death every night.

[Harry James]

Oh, why do I shake with pride?

[Ken Niles]

Because my Dina might Change her mind about me.

[Harry James]

Hey, hey, Pabst Blue Ribbon. Dina. If she wanted to cheat her, I would hop that ocean. Lena just.

[Lionel Stander]

I've always loved singing. You know, when I was a kid, my parents thought I'd be a great singer someday.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, why weren't you, Lionel?

[Lionel Stander]

My voice didn't change.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, it's not too late to change it yet, Lionel. All you need are a few lessons in voice culture.

[Lionel Stander]

Not with these ingrown tonsils.

[Danny Kaye]

Don't give up so easily. Why don't you do as I do? Repeat a well turned phrase over and over. Like, if you want to know why Pabst Blue Ribbon always is tops in flavor. The answer is blending. It takes no less than 33 different brews, all blended together as only Pabst can do it, to achieve the true and perfect beer flavor you enjoy in Pabst Blue Ribbon. Now repeat that.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, I can't do that. I'm not that emotional. I'm an introvert.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, introvert or extrovert, it's all in the phrasing. Now listen carefully. No matter where you go, pause. You can order Pabst with confidence, deep breath, serve it with pride. Count two.

[Lionel Stander]

That's difficult.

[Danny Kaye]

For there is no finer beer, short pause. No finer blend than Pabst Blue Ribbon. Now try that.

[Lionel Stander]

Okay, I'll try it. No matter where you go, pause. There. You can order it with confidence, deep breath, save it with pride. Count two. For there is no finer blend, Pause, breath. Than Paps Blue Ribbon.

[Danny Kaye]

Excellent. Excellent.

[Ken Niles]

Thank you. Now that you're all through with Lionel Stanley's elocution lesson, I'd like to say something, Ken.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, certainly, Danny. What is it?

[Ken Niles]

Well, I'd like to have a little heart to heart talk with all our listeners. Neighbors. Do you know the power of a dime? A little thin American dime? Especially when you got a lot of them marching in a row. Yes, I'm speaking of those precious, powerful dimes that are marching to help those thousands of kids all over America who were crippled during the 1944 epidemic of infantile paralysis. It's mighty serious, you know, not to be able to move your arms or legs like a healthy kid can. And it's mighty tough wearing heavy braces and hobbling around on crutches. Well, thousands of youngsters, kids just like your own, are in this fix. And it's up to us to help them with our dimes. Yes, and our dollars. Send them to President Roosevelt at the White House. Our dimes can help.

[Mr. J]

Help a lot.

[Ken Niles]

But just think, our dimes can even give these children their chance to walk again. Let's join that March of Dimes today.

[Danny Kaye]

Thanks, Danny. And remember, neighbors, next Saturday at the same time, Pabst Blue Ribbon presents another great show. Featuring the outstanding music of America's top band. Harry James and his music makers. Eve Arden, Lionel Stander, yours truly, Ken Nyles and Danny K.

[Ken Niles]

Good night.

[Danny Kaye]

This program was directed by Dick Mack and was brought to you by the Pabst Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin and Peoria, Illinois. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System.