The Danny Kaye Show 1945-01-27 (004) Plane Trip to Washington

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Danny Kaye Show 1945-01-27 (004) Plane Trip to Washington

Podcast Information

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Description: Showcasing radio programs from the Golden Age of Radio, featuring beloved shows such as The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, Dragnet, and more.
• Episode: The Danny Kaye Show 1945-01-27 (004) Plane Trip to Washington
• Release Date: May 20, 2025

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Introduction

In this delightful episode of The Danny Kaye Show, listeners are transported back to the mid-1940s, immersing themselves in the whimsical and humorous adventures of Danny Kaye as he prepares for a trip to Washington. Alongside his co-stars Eve Arden and Lionel Stander, Danny navigates a series of comedic mishaps that highlight his charm and quick wit.

Plot Overview

The central narrative revolves around Danny Kaye's impending journey to Washington to entertain for the March of Dimes. As Danny prepares for his trip in his hotel room, he interacts with his friends Eve Arden and Lionel Stander, leading to a series of humorous misunderstandings and mistaken identities. The episode culminates in a chaotic yet entertaining confrontation at the airport, blending slapstick comedy with clever dialogue.

Key Scenes and Discussions

Preparing for the Trip

The episode opens with Danny Kaye in his hotel room, singing and splashing in the bathtub, setting a lighthearted tone. Eve Arden enters, prompting a playful exchange about Danny's choice to keep his goldfish in the bathtub.

• Eve Arden (00:02:24): "But, Danny, why do you keep your goldfish in the bathtub?"
• Danny Kaye (00:02:24): "Because I don't fit in the fishbowl. Look at those goldfish, Lionel. Aren't they cute?"

As Danny struggles with his toothpaste, Eve notices his meticulously laid-out suits.

• Eve Arden (00:03:12): "I wonder why they make them tubes one way. Hey, Danny, why you got all your suits and stuff laid out? Are you going someplace?"
• Danny Kaye (00:03:19): "Am I going someplace? I'm going to Washington. Didn't you know?"

Flight Preparations and Mistaken Identity

Danny reveals his first-time experience with flying, leading to further comedic moments as he prepares to board his flight.

• Danny Kaye (00:04:06): "Well, you know, I've never flown in a plane before."
• Eve Arden (00:04:16): "Well, if you gotta fly, it's the best way."

As Danny interacts with Ms. Sutton and the postman, he mentions a peculiar gift—a milking machine intended for the Secretary of Agriculture. This odd gift becomes a central plot device, leading to suspicions about Danny's true intentions.

Airport Antics and Arrest

At the airport, Danny encounters a postman and a reporter, which escalates when Lionel Stander's character mistakes Danny for Mr. G. Wellington Stuyvesant, a banker with multiple aliases.

• Lionel Stander (00:19:27): "You have a warrant for your arrest. Me? Fine. Check raiser."
• Danny Kaye (00:19:30): "Check raiser."

A humorous chase ensues, with Danny attempting to prove his innocence. Despite his efforts, Lionel remains convinced of Danny's wrongdoings, leading to a comical standoff.

Resolution and Boarding the Plane

As tension peaks, Danny employs his trademark humor to defuse the situation. Singing an Irish folk song requested by Lionel, Danny finally convinces the officers of his true identity. The episode concludes with Danny successfully boarding his flight, albeit with some last-minute hijinks involving his milking machine.

• Danny Kaye (00:27:12): "That I can do and do well. Anyway, here's the most beautiful Irish folk song I know. It's called the Story of Molly Malone."

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Danny Kaye (00:03:27): "I wasn't elected, Lionel. I'm flying to Washington today to entertain for the March of Dimes."
• Eve Arden (00:06:00): "What would you say to him? Your lordship."
• Danny Kaye (00:06:35): "I don't know."
• Lionel Stander (00:19:26): "Oh, you're Danny K again, is it?"
• Eve Arden (00:22:20): "Who's acting?"
• Danny Kaye (00:23:53): "I'm Danny Day."
• Lionel Stander (00:24:30): "First, Goldilocks."

Humorous Elements and Character Dynamics

The interplay between Danny Kaye, Eve Arden, and Lionel Stander is a highlight of the episode. Danny's obliviousness and innocent demeanor contrast sharply with Lionel's stern and suspicious nature, creating a dynamic ripe for comedy. Eve Arden serves as the voice of reason, often attempting to mediate between Danny and Lionel's escalating confrontations.

Musical Interludes

Harry James and his music makers provide memorable musical interludes, enhancing the episode's entertainment value. Their rendition of "The Story of Molly Malone" is particularly notable, blending seamlessly with the narrative and adding depth to the comedic storyline.

Conclusion

The Danny Kaye Show: Plane Trip to Washington is a quintessential example of Golden Age radio comedy, combining sharp wit, engaging characters, and humorous situations. Through Danny Kaye's endearing antics and the stellar performances of Eve Arden and Lionel Stander, the episode delivers laughter and charm, making it a delightful listen for both nostalgic audiences and new listeners alike.

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Notable Production Credits

• Directed by: Dick Mack
• Brought to you by: Craft Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin and Peoria, Illinois
• Broadcasted on: CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System

Advertisements Skipped:

• Sponsored messages by Chumba Casino
• Amica Insurance promos
• Additional sponsor mentions during the episode

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This summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key plot points, character interactions, and memorable moments, all while providing a structured and engaging overview for those who haven't listened to the episode.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Ken Niles]

No purchase necessary. VGW Group void where prohibited by law.

[Danny Kaye]

21/ Terms and Conditions apply.

[Ken Niles]

Pabst Blue Ribbon presents the Danny K Show. Yes, neighbors, this is the Danny K Show with Eve Arden, Lionel Stander, yours truly, Ken Niles and the outstanding music of America's top band. Harry James and his music maker. Your Entertainment.

[Lionel Stander]

Pass the rhythm.

[Ken Niles]

33 fine brews blended into one great beer presents 33 fine talents blended into one great comedian, Danny Cage. At the moment, we find our hero in his hotel room splashing and singing in his bathtub.

[Danny Kaye]

Just a moment, please. Now who is it?

[Eve Arden]

Peek a boo.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, it's you, Lionel. Woo. Gosh, this water is cold.

[Eve Arden]

Well, if it's so cold, why don't you turn the hot water on?

[Danny Kaye]

What? And kill the goldfish?

[Lionel Stander]

But.

[Eve Arden]

But, Danny, why do you keep your goldfish in the bathtub?

[Danny Kaye]

Because I don't fit in the fishbowl. Look at those goldfish, Lionel. Aren't they cute?

[Lionel Stander]

What do you matter what you do?

[Eve Arden]

Yeah, they are cute.

[Danny Kaye]

Yeah, they're smart too. Come on, you little devils. Whip your little tails around and wash the soap off. Daddy.

[Eve Arden]

Amazing.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, nothing at all, Lionel. Nothing at all. Now, come on, goalies, do a trick for your Uncle Lionel.

[Eve Arden]

Well, I'll be done. They're blowing soap bubbles.

[Danny Kaye]

Yes, well, I better hurry up and get dressed. I see a brisk rub down, a brush of the teeth and. Oh, darn it.

[Eve Arden]

Hey, Danny, what are you doing?

[Danny Kaye]

I squeezed too much toothpaste out and now I'm having the darndest time pushing it back in the tube.

[Eve Arden]

I wonder why they make them tubes one way. Hey, Danny, why you got all your suits and stuff laid out? Are you going someplace?

[Danny Kaye]

Am I going someplace? I'm going to Washington. Didn't you know?

[Eve Arden]

I didn't even know you were elected.

[Danny Kaye]

I wasn't elected, Lionel. I'm flying to Washington today to entertain for the March of Dimes.

[Eve Arden]

Yeah, I'll bet you'll have fun there. Gee, I can just see it, the nine of you out dining and dancing every night.

[Danny Kaye]

Nine? What nine?

[Eve Arden]

Well, I read in A paper that there's eight girls for every man in Washington. Boy, I wish I could go up with you.

[Danny Kaye]

I'm sorry, Lionel. Sorry, Lionel.

[Harry James]

Oh, that's fine.

[Danny Kaye]

Maybe some other time. Maybe.

[Eve Arden]

Yeah, but by then, the odds may be only 6 to 1. So you're flying to Washington?

[Danny Kaye]

Yep.

[Eve Arden]

What's the matter?

[Danny Kaye]

Well, you know, I've never flown in a plane before.

[Eve Arden]

Well, if you gotta fly, it's the best way.

[Danny Kaye]

Say, Lionel, would you do me a favor and help me out with this, please?

[Eve Arden]

Oh, sure. Here, Put your left arm in first.

[Danny Kaye]

Okay. Now, this goes around my left leg here. And that one around my right leg.

[Lionel Stander]

Now, how do I look?

[Eve Arden]

You look chick. Real chick.

[Danny Kaye]

Hey, could you help me out with my top coat now?

[Eve Arden]

Okay. Hey, wait a minute, Danny.

[Danny Kaye]

What?

[Eve Arden]

Don't you think you should wear your parachute over your top coat?

[Ms. Sutton]

Oh, Danny, are you ready? Can I come in?

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, sure. Evie.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, hello, Ms. Sutton.

[Danny Kaye]

Hello.

[Ms. Sutton]

Well, Danny, I see you're all dressed for the plane.

[Danny Kaye]

Yeah. How do I look?

[Ms. Sutton]

Well, don't look now, but your rip cord is showing anyhow, why wear a parachute in a hotel?

[Danny Kaye]

Why wear a pa. We're going down in the elevator, aren't we?

[Ms. Sutton]

Oh, Danny Kaye, you're about the most jittery man I ever saw.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, I can't help it, Evie. It runs in the family.

[Ms. Sutton]

What?

[Danny Kaye]

Sure, My father always had a fear of high altitudes. He'd get a nosebleed every time he stood on the thick carpet.

[Eve Arden]

Gosh, was your father really like that?

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He was afraid of water too. He wouldn't even get into the bathtub unless there was a lifeguard sitting in the soap dish.

[Eve Arden]

Gee, you must have had a big soap dish in your house.

[Ms. Sutton]

No, Lionel, it was a small lifeguard.

[Eve Arden]

Say, Danny, when you get to Washington, I'll bet you'll brush elbows with some dignified dignitaries and potential potentates.

[Ms. Sutton]

You certainly will, Lionel.

[Eve Arden]

Gee, suppose you met an Isler, a duke. What would you say to him?

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, that's easy, Lionel. I just say your lordship.

[Ms. Sutton]

That's very good, Danny. And what would you say to his wife, your ladyship?

[Danny Kaye]

Mm.

[Ms. Sutton]

And how would you address an admiral?

[Danny Kaye]

Your flagship. Sure.

[Eve Arden]

And the admiral's wife is your battleship.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, no. Oh, I was only kidding, Evie. I know how to act. You know, if I meet someone from the French embassy, I bow from the waist and say.

[Lionel Stander]

No.

[Ms. Sutton]

That sounds good, but what does it mean?

[Danny Kaye]

I don't know.

[Eve Arden]

Well, who cares anyway? Hey, Danny, what would you say if you met the Chinese ambassador?

[Danny Kaye]

Chinese ambassador?

[Ms. Sutton]

If that means what it sounds like. I'm too young to listen. Oh, hello, Harry.

[Postman]

Hello, Eve. Say, Danny, what's that big package you've got out in the hall all wrapped up in blue paper and pink ribbons?

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, that's a little gift I'm taking to somebody in Washington.

[Postman]

Little gift? It's huge. What is it, Danny?

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, it's that milking machine I bought last week. I. I'm going to present it to the Secretary of Agriculture.

[Ms. Sutton]

Danny, the Secretary of Agriculture doesn't want a milking machine.

[Danny Kaye]

Look, Edie, let's leave that up to him, shall we?

[Ms. Sutton]

Well, let me ask you one thing, Danny Kay. Have you ever seen a cow in Washington?

[Danny Kaye]

No, and I've never seen one in Philadelphia, but I got milked in both places.

[Postman]

I think that's a very brilliant and thoughtful gift, Danny. Of course, the secretary may think you're a little nuts, but it's still very thoughtful.

[Danny Kaye]

Thank you.

[Ms. Sutton]

A milking machine for the Secretary of Agriculture. It's too bad you haven't got an X ray machine so you can take it to the Secretary of the Interior.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, that would be silly, but I think my gift is very appropriate. I even wrote a little verse to go with it. Would you like to hear it? No, no, no. Let's try that again, shall we? Would you like to hear it? No, that's fine. I'll read it to you. Dear Secretary of Ag, if the milk supply doth lag Attach this machine and your cows will come clean. Why should you be left holding the bag?

[Eve Arden]

Hey, that's fun, Danny. Let me try to make up one.

[Lionel Stander]

Go ahead.

[Eve Arden]

The sack of ag. What's here in this bag ain't no Schiaparelli design But any cow dressed in it will do her best in it and she'll look simply bovine.

[Postman]

Say, that's not bad. But how about something like this? If your cow looks blue to you won't say moo to you and milking time makes her shudder Attach this machine, she'll be more than sadene and, by Jove, she'll be utterly udder.

[Ms. Sutton]

Oh, isn't that lovely? A hep cow with silk milk dream cream and utter butter. Look, Danny, you better get to the airport. You gotta pick up your tickets and everything.

[Danny Kaye]

Okay, Eddie, Lionel, you take my overcoat, the milking machine and my bag.

[Eve Arden]

Okay, I got him.

[Lionel Stander]

What's that?

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, I forgot to tell you. Keep the milking machine away from that cowhide bag.

[Ken Niles]

Well, while Danny Kaye is on his way to the. The airport, Harry James and his music Makers celebrate their sixth anniversary by playing their famous record version of the King Portiston. Ah, that was great, Harry. You know, I love that King Porter stuff. Say, King Porter, isn't that the fellow who wrote Night and Day?

[Postman]

No, Ken, that was Cole Porter.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, that's right. Ah, Night and Day. It's so romantic.

[Postman]

Yes, isn't it? And who do you think of Night and Day, Ken?

[Ken Niles]

Well, it isn't really a who, Harry. It's a. It's a what?

[Postman]

A what? What's a what?

[Ken Niles]

One of the pleasantest. What's in the world. Pabst Blue Ribbon.

[Postman]

Ah, I see. You're talking of the beer you love.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, definitely, Harry. And why shouldn't I? Why, Pabst is as full of sparkling goodness as ripples in the moonlight. It's 33 brews. As perfectly blended as the harmonies in a great love song.

[Postman]

33 brews. That beat is one.

[Ken Niles]

Yes. And I'm true blue to every brew. To Pabst, golden color. To Pabst. Outstanding flavor.

[Lionel Stander]

Shh.

[Postman]

Everybody will know your secret.

[Ken Niles]

Well, I want them to know my secret. I want to share my love with the world. Pabst is grand. Pabst is perfect.

[Eve Arden]

Perfect.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, Pabst.

[Lionel Stander]

Passengers for plane to Washington, gate number three, please. Passengers for plane to Washington, gate number three, please.

[Danny Kaye]

He must be a new man. You can understand everything he says.

[Eve Arden]

Hey, Danny, that's your plane. You better get over to that ticket window and ask the girl for your reservation.

[Danny Kaye]

Gee, look at how long that line is.

[Eve Arden]

Well, while you're waiting, Danny, I'll get your bags in the milking machine. See you in a couple of minutes.

[Danny Kaye]

Okay. Pardon me. Is this the line where you wait for your reservation for the Washington plane?

[Postman]

Yes, it is.

[Danny Kaye]

Gee, I hope I don't have to wait long. Say, by the way, how long have you been waiting for your reservation?

[Postman]

What day is it?

[Danny Kaye]

Saturday, January 27th.

[Eve Arden]

Monday will be three years.

[Danny Kaye]

Three years? Well, why didn't you try the train or the bus?

[Postman]

Oh, I prefer going by plane. It's quicker.

[Ken Niles]

Mr. Jellison, here's your Esquire and a letter from your mother.

[Postman]

Thank you. Postman.

[Harry James]

Postman?

[Danny Kaye]

Wait a minute. You mean you even get your mail here?

[Ms. Sutton]

Oh, yes.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, Mr. Jellison.

[Postman]

Yes, postman?

[Ken Niles]

You'd better fill out a change of address card. You've moved up two places since Thursday.

[Eve Arden]

Hey, Danny, I got your suitcases in the machine. All taken care of. Didn't you get your ticket yet?

[Danny Kaye]

No. In the way, it looks like at Ameca Insurance.

[Amica Insurance]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Ken Niles]

No purchase necessary. VGW Group void where prohibited by law.

[Danny Kaye]

21/ terms and conditions apply. Final. I may never get on that plane.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, yes, you will. Somebody by the name of Stuyvesant who had a reservation can't go. He just got called back suddenly to his office.

[Danny Kaye]

How did you find that out?

[Eve Arden]

I was eavesdropping.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, who is this Stuyvesant?

[Eve Arden]

Oh, a big banker. Now, come on through the skate, then let's get you in on that plane.

[Lionel Stander]

Just a second. You can't come through this gate unless you got a reservation.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, but you don't understand. Mr. Stuyvesant.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, Mr. Stuyvesant. We've been waiting for you.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, well, I was trying to tell you.

[Lionel Stander]

Don't worry, don't worry. We had instructions to save your seat until you came. Right this way, Mr. Stuyvesant.

[Eve Arden]

Coming. Mr. Stuyvesant.

[Harry James]

Huh?

[Eve Arden]

Right through this gate. Mr. Stuyvesant, with the iron on, I.

[Danny Kaye]

Don'T think I should take Mr. Stuyvesant's seat.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, stop worrying. If this seat fits, wear it.

[Reporter]

Which one of you gentlemen is Mr. Stuyvesant's?

[Eve Arden]

Mr. K. Is Mr. Stuyvesant.

[Danny Kaye]

What?

[Eve Arden]

I said Mr. Stuyvesant's. Okay.

[Reporter]

Is this Mr. Stuyvesant the banker?

[Eve Arden]

Than whom none other.

[Reporter]

Well, I'm from the Daily Herald, and we'd like to know if there's anything you'd care to say before you take off.

[Danny Kaye]

Yes?

[Reporter]

What?

[Danny Kaye]

Goodbye.

[Reporter]

Oh, but, Mr. Stuyvesant, as one of our leading financial authorities, what is your opinion of the effect reconversion will have on the unearned increment of a soluble corporation that has no holding company?

[Harry James]

Well, I.

[Eve Arden]

Mr. Stivers.

[Harry James]

Yes?

[Eve Arden]

Would you rather go by bus?

[Danny Kaye]

No, not at all. I'm very glad you asked Me that question, young lady. Very glad that that very same question, which, when put to prominent banking authorities, must not be confused with each other.

[Eve Arden]

We.

[Danny Kaye]

We, we feel. We feel. We feel that the fluctuating currency, which, by the way, has exemplified the monetary values thereof, is not at all however. However. However. However, we feel that the man in the street does, and we must not question it.

[Reporter]

Well, you're so right, Mr. Stuyvesant. The man in the street will be glad to hear that.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, don't tell him just yet because, well, as a matter of fact, we're just in the process of.

[Lionel Stander]

Of what exactly?

[Danny Kaye]

And you may quote me.

[Reporter]

Oh, well, thank you. Thank you, Mr. Stuyvesant. Pleasant trip? Mr. Stuyvesant.

[Lionel Stander]

Is there a man by the name of Stuyvesant out there?

[Eve Arden]

Oh, sure. That's Mr. Stuyvesant getting his picture took. Say, when you see him, tell him I want him. I went to get his baggage.

[Lionel Stander]

Yes, I'll do that little thing. Say, Mr. Stuyvesant.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, sorry, old chap. No more interviews. I must get on the plane.

[Lionel Stander]

That's what you think.

[Danny Kaye]

What do you mean?

[Lionel Stander]

I mean I have a warrant for your arrest. Me? Fine. Check raiser.

[Danny Kaye]

Check raiser.

[Lionel Stander]

Sure, the law has caught up with you, Mr. G. Wellington Stuyvesant, alias Barney the Banker, alias Tuffy the Thug.

[Harry James]

Toofy the Thug.

[Danny Kaye]

Officer, you've made a horrible mistake.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, no, sonny boy, you have. Now, will you come quietly or I have to put the kufs on you.

[Danny Kaye]

The koofs.

[Lionel Stander]

What is this? Toofy the Thug Hoof. Saly Stuyvesant.

[Danny Kaye]

Look, I'm not Stuyvesant. I'm Danny Kaye.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, Danny Kaye, is it? My boy, you're getting in deeper and deeper.

[Danny Kaye]

But, Officer. Now, just.

[Eve Arden]

Stuyvesant, here's your package.

[Danny Kaye]

Lionel, stop this business. I'm in trouble. Tell this man who I really am.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, sure. He's Mr. G. Wellington Stuyvesant, the financial Typhoon.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, no.

[Eve Arden]

Well, here's your bag, Mr. Stuyvesant. And machine.

[Danny Kaye]

Lionel, will you stop the clowning and get that infernal machine out of here.

[Lionel Stander]

Oho, an infernal machine, eh? Blowing up the airport?

[Danny Kaye]

No, no, no, Officer. It's not what you think.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, thank heavens. I got here in the nick of type. Now, what is this machine? You, you, you, you saboteur, are you?

[Danny Kaye]

Officer, I, I, I can't tell you what that machine is.

[Lionel Stander]

You.

[Danny Kaye]

You'd think I was silly.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, so you won't talk, eh? Where we make you talk? Walk this way, You Low. Now listen you. I've got enough of this stalling. I'm giving you plenty of time to talk. Now I don't like to get rough, but you're forcing me into it. Will you stop snapping me suspinders?

[Danny Kaye]

Well, I can't help it. They fascinate me. Gee, pre war elastic.

[Lionel Stander]

Stop that, will ya? Look here, you don't evade the issue. I want a confession. Yes, try to tell us that this here machine is for an innocent little thing like milking a cow.

[Danny Kaye]

Officer, look, I've told you a thousand times, that's all it is. You see, these little nozzles fit on the cow.

[Lionel Stander]

Don't tell me what they fit on. It's either a time bomb or a thing that makes pies and gas.

[Danny Kaye]

Then again, it could be a booby trap. Why don't you ask me? Is this his or is this hands me booby?

[Lionel Stander]

It's no use, Sergeant Barnett. Start working on the other one for a while. Okay. Hey you.

[Eve Arden]

Who me? Yeah, you.

[Lionel Stander]

Start talking.

[Eve Arden]

What'll I talk about?

[Lionel Stander]

Come on now, stop acting dumb.

[Eve Arden]

Who's acting?

[Danny Kaye]

Now wait a minute. This has gone far enough. You can't hold us here like this. I've got to get on that plane. Now where's my bag?

[Lionel Stander]

Yeah, we're not taking any chances on it exploding. It's soaking in that water tank over there.

[Danny Kaye]

Soaking in the tank? Oh, you can't do this to me. I'll take it to the chief.

[Lionel Stander]

I'll take it to the mayor.

[Eve Arden]

You better take it to the tailor. Your dress suit's in it.

[Danny Kaye]

Look fellas, there's nothing in that bag but my clothes. Come on, I'll show you.

[Lionel Stander]

Wait a minute. Don't go near that tank. Look, there's bubbles coming out of that bag. Bubbles? Duck everybody. It's going to blow up.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, nothing's gonna blow up. That's only my Alka Seltzer.

[Lionel Stander]

I've had enough of this. Cleary, take their prints and book em. You first, Goldilocks.

[Danny Kaye]

Now wait a minute.

[Lionel Stander]

You just press your fingers on this ink pad. Come on, press them down there. That's it. Hey Sarge, look. This guy ain't got no fingerprints.

[Danny Kaye]

Now shall we try it with my gloves off? Look, I've got my license right here.

[Eve Arden]

In my back pocket.

[Lionel Stander]

Look out, Sarge, I'm reaching for a gun.

[Danny Kaye]

Huh? Don't be silly. I wasn't reaching for a gun.

[Lionel Stander]

You'd rather use a knife? Here, cold steel don't make no knife.

[Danny Kaye]

I haven't got a gun. I haven't got a knife. Look at me. Do you think I'm the criminal type? Look at me.

[Eve Arden]

Yeah, look at him. Just gaze upon the gentle features of that innocuous physiognomy.

[Lionel Stander]

That's a most dangerous type of baby face killer.

[Danny Kaye]

A baby face killer. Oh, look, I can't stand this anymore. I just can't stand this. I don't keep my license in a boob trap. I'm not a cold blooded Alka Seltzer. I'm not a milk faced baby machine.

[Eve Arden]

I'm Danny Day.

[Lionel Stander]

I mean, Danny Day. Oh, so you're back to that Danny K routine again. Why don't you be Bob Hope for a while?

[Danny Kaye]

Okay. This is Bob. Can't get out of the police station. They think I'm a saboteur. How am I going to get to Washington? Hope speaking.

[Lionel Stander]

What do you know, Sarge? We both been acting like a couple of imbeciles. It's Bob Hope. Mr. Hope. I'd recognize your voice any place. All these clowns.

[Danny Kaye]

Yeah, yeah, always kind of. Well, I guess we'll be running along now.

[Harry James]

And thanks for the memories.

[Danny Kaye]

Coming, Mr. Kelowna.

[Eve Arden]

Coming date.

[Lionel Stander]

Let's ambulate.

[Ken Niles]

Hey, what's going on here?

[Danny Kaye]

Quiet.

[Ken Niles]

Well, I was told to rush down here and identify you. I was.

[Danny Kaye]

Quiet, Niles. It's all fine, just fine. They know me now.

[Eve Arden]

Sure.

[Lionel Stander]

Everybody knows Mr. Bob Hope.

[Ken Niles]

Yeah, Sir Bob. Are you kidding? He's Danny Kaye.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, ho. So it's Danny K again, is it? Yeah, and who are you?

[Eve Arden]

One of the K gang?

[Ken Niles]

Sure, we work together all the time.

[Lionel Stander]

Aha. Now start talking and talk fast. Where have you been?

[Ken Niles]

The radio station.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, shock. Waving to the enemy, eh?

[Ken Niles]

No, I was just talking about 33 brews.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, there are 33 of you.

[Eve Arden]

No, no, 32.

[Ken Niles]

No, no, it was 33, I tell you. 33. Yes, 33 brews all blended into one great beer.

[Lionel Stander]

He's talking in code. Clary, you better tell us the truth.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, but I always tell the truth about Pabst Blue Ribbon. I tell you, it's full flavor, blended.

[Lionel Stander]

Are you decoding this, Clary? Yes, but it still comes out beer.

[Ken Niles]

That's what I'm trying to tell you. Order it with confidence, serve it with pride. For no matter where you go, there is no finer beer, no finer blend than Pabst Blue Ribbon.

[Lionel Stander]

Pabst. Pabst Paps. Stand up, sir. This guy's gonna explode. Let's take the bags out of the tank and put him in it.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, this is too much. I Can't stand this, I tell you. Look, this is Ken Niles, and that's Lionel Stander, and I'm Danny K. Ah, a likely story. I'm Danny K. I tell you. What can I do? How can I prove it to you? Colors. I've got it.

[Lionel Stander]

He's cracking at last. You're taking that down, Sag. Every word of it. All right, keep talking.

[Danny Kaye]

He's with me. The march of times is going on there. Read it.

[Lionel Stander]

You gotta let me go now, Cleary.

[Eve Arden]

Please, I'm Danny K. I'm telling you, Read it. Of course, there.

[Lionel Stander]

There's no mistaking that you're Danny Kay. All right, but I'm still not letting you go.

[Danny Kaye]

But, Officer, look, I have to. To catch that plane for Washington.

[Lionel Stander]

Oh, you'll make it, all right. And we'll give you a police escort too, if you do one little thing for me.

[Danny Kaye]

What's that?

[Lionel Stander]

Can you sing, you sweet old Irish tune Me fine broth of a boy well, me fine bro of a policeman.

[Danny Kaye]

That I can do and do well. Anyway, here's the most beautiful Irish folk song I know. It's called the Story of Molly Malone.

[Harry James]

In Dublin's fair city the girls are so pretty Twas there that I first met Sweet Molly Malone she drove her wheelbarrow through streets wide and narrow Crying cockles and musket alive, alive.

[Danny Kaye]

She was.

[Harry James]

A fishmonger and faith Tis no wonder her mother and father Were fishmongers too they drove their wheelbarrow through streets wide and narrow Crying cockles and mussoons Alive, alive She died of a favor and no one could save her and that's all I know of sweet Molly Malone now her ghost drives her barrel through streets wide and narrow Crying cockles and muscles alive alive O alive, alive Alive alive Crying cock and muscles alive.

[Lionel Stander]

Passengers.

[Postman]

For plane to Washington, gate number three, please. Passengers for plane to Washington, gate number three, please.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, here I go. I've got my own ticket this time.

[Eve Arden]

Hey, Danny. Danny, look. I got the machine back for you.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, go away, Lionel. And take that infernal machine with you.

[Lionel Stander]

Infernal machine. Just a minute there, bud.

[Ms. Sutton]

Oh, no.

[Danny Kaye]

Good night.

[Ken Niles]

And don't forget, neighbors. Next Saturday, another great Danny K. Show. With Eve Arden, Lionel Stander, Harry James and his music makers, and Danny Cage. This program was directed by Dick Mack, was brought to you by the Craft Brewing Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin and Peoria, Illinois. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

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[Danny Kaye]

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