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The Danny Kaye Show 1945-02-03 (005) A Baby From Washington
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The Danny Kaye Show 1945-02-03 (005) A Baby From Washington
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Most people would rather attend a corporate team building workshop than search for auto and home insurance. Go team. Feel that synergy. That's why the zebra searches for you. Comparing over 100 insurance companies to find savings no one else can Compare. Today@thezebra.com who's ready for the trust fall? The Danny Kaye Show. Yes, it's the Danny Kaye show with Eve Arden, Lionel Sander, yours truly, Ken Nile on the outstanding music of America's top band, Harry James and his Music Makers. Now for your entertainment, we present the amazingly amusing talents of the one and only Danny Kaye. We greet our aerial globe daughter, Danny Kay, as he returns from Washington and sets on good old California soil. Step right down, Mr. Cage. Ah, good old sunny California. There he is, Ms. Garden. Hiya, Danny. Hello, Lionel. Hi, Evie. Hello, Danny. Welcome home. Well, thanks, honey. Did you miss me? Certainly did. This place wasn't the same without you. Now that you're back, we can all return to abnormal. Ah, you're a doll. Just a little doll. Say, Lionel, would you carry my bags a minute, please? I've got to carry this little bundle I brought back from Washington. I knew it. I knew it. Danny Kay, just what is in this little bundle? Another milking machine? Oh, on the contrary. Look, A baby. Well, it ain't Fanny Brice, sister. Quiet, quiet, quiet, you baby. Lionel, turn your face the other way. I thought that would do it. Danny K. Where did that baby come from? Oh, Evie, It came from Washington. Well, let me put it another way. I wish you would. Who is this baby's mother? A woman. Well, that's startling information. Now, who is this woman? I don't know. What? Well, look, I just met her as I was getting on the plane. What? Yeah, she was sending her baby to California. She thought I had a kind motherly face. Oh, she did? Yes, she did. So she asked me to take care of them on the trip. Now the baby's papa's going to meet me here in a minute and take them out. Isn't he? Isn't he a cute little gurgle? Isn't he cute? Don't you. Do you like babies, Lionel? Yeah, I love babies. Gee, they're so young. Now there's a brilliant observation. Gee, it is wonderful, ain't it? What a baby. Flying 3,000 miles. And look, he's all dressed for the plane trip, too. What do you mean? He's wearing a three cornered parachute. Did you come straight through, Danny? Well, I did, but the baby change at Kansas City. Gosh, he's a cute little muppet. His Name? Danny. Well, he's a Russian baby, you see. His first name is Gregory Ivanovich. Sergey says. Yes, he's. And his second name is Gnec. Hello. In anna. Bernie bamie. You don't understand that child. Misty's a Russian baby. You gotta say Kitchi Kitschikowski. But you wouldn't know that. No, I wouldn't. I'm just his father. Oh, oh, oh, his father. Oh, well, gee, I hate to part with him, but here. Oh, gee, thanks. No. Every time he sees me, he busts out crying. Well, wait just a minute. I think I can quieter. You see, it's simple. That's a Russian lullaby. Guys, you're wonderful. Patrick's asleep. Patrick? Sure, that's his name. Patrick Michael o'. Malley. Well, thanks again. That's all right. Patrick Michael o'. Malley. What a name for a Russian baby. Well, his mother's Russian, but I'm Irish. Well, what do you know? Aaron, go Borscht. Say, look, if you get into any trouble with the baby, don't forget to call me up, will you? You none mind. Bye. Well, come on, Tavares. Let's get going back to the hotel. Okay. Say, Danny, do you have a good time in Washington? Oh, just wonderful, Lionel. Just wonderful. And by the way, I brought back a present for you. For me? Gee, yeah, yeah, I got it right here in my pocket. Here you are. The original silver dollar that George Washington threw across the Potomac. Gosh, thanks, Danny. Hey, wait a minute. Look at the date on this buck. 1912. Well, that isn't the date he threw it. That's the date they coined it. Oh, I see. Why didn't I think of that? Gee, ain't I a dope? You have $1. Would you care to try for two? Say, Danny, I read about the shows you put on. They tell me you were entertaining every minute. Well, we got quite a rest in one place. Thanks to a certain soprano who sang about 8,000 songs at her own request. What was her name? I don't know, but it should have been Lucrezia. Quiver Tonsil or Natalie. No Throat or something. Oh, you should have heard her. Not only did she miss notes completely, but when she hit one, she flogged it into exhaustion. Wasn't there anything good about it? Oh, yes. Her diction was superb, Just superb. I'll give you an imitation of her sometime singing. Why not do it now? Ah, come on. That's enough. When all the birds have gone to sleep and all the frogs are still Then you will hear the fairy pipes Come out upon the hill Come out, come out listen on the air up there and down there Fairies everywhere. Oh. Ha. Oh, here can't you hear the tune? Fairy, fairy pipers underneath the silver moon. But if you doubt that this canopy and a questioner what I stir, you'll never hear the melody. The fairy piper's play Mouse come up this on the air up there and down there Fairies everywhere, all hot below here can't you hear there too, Sam. Hairy Perry piper's underneath the silver moon. Come, man. Gee, that was great, Danny. That was great. No wonder Lucretia Quiver Tonsil was the hit of Washington. Come out, come out Listen on the ass. Quiet, Quiet, you sandpaper Sinatra. Why, Ms. Sardin, don't you think my voice is cute? I think it's perfect for calling a taxi. Now call one. Let's get back to the hotel. Oh, Danny. Hey, Danny. Well, well, well. K10. Niles, am I glad to see you. Well, me too. Welcome home, Danny. Say, come on, I'll run you back to the hotel. Here you are, gang. Step into my private car. Okay. Well, there you are, Danny. Back home safe and sound. Oh, thank you very much. You made it in good time, Ken. Yeah, and speaking of time, Danny, you got back just in time to hear your pal Harry James and his music makers play their special arrangement of Loveless Love. Well, thank you, Harry. That music makes me awfully glad to be back. Well, you're welcome, Danny. And I do mean welcome home. Did you have a good time in Washington? Oh, wonderful, Just wonderful. Hey, Danny, did you exchange repartees with a lot of Washington high honorables? Well, I met the British ambassador and the French ambassador. That so? You mean you didn't even have the honor of meeting the ambassador from Brooklyn? The ambassador? Lionel, Brooklyn doesn't send an ambassador to Washington. Why? Have they severed diplomatic relations again? No, Lionel. Although we Brooklynites have often been invited to live alone and like it, most people would rather attend a corporate team building workshop than search for auto and home insurance. Go team. Feel that synergy. That's why the zebra searches for you. Comparing over 100 insurance companies to find savings no one else can Compare. Today@thezebra.com who's ready for the trust fall? If you're an H Vac technician and a call comes in, Grainger knows that you need a partner that helps you find the right product fast and hassle free. And you know that when the first problem of the day is a clanking blower motor, there's no need to break a sweat. With Grainger's easy to Use website and product details. You're confident you'll soon have everything humming right along. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Granger for the ones who get it done. Gee, Danny, when you was a kid in Brooklyn, you used to wonder what it would be like to be king. I must have ever. Gee. King of Brooklyn? Sure. Then I could be your prime minister. Winston Standard. I can see it all now. You can? Yeah. It's the big day of your coronation. And you are in your regal robes of mink dyed skunk with IJ Fox personally holding up your train. The park is crowded for the gala event. Park? What park? The Brooklyn ballpark. Ebbetts Field. What a place for a coronation. Why not? You know a better place to get crowns? Crown him. Crown him. Show to my men Be our ruffin Brownie, Brownie, throw the bummy Be Ruben. Only Fada was a butter but he'd even more. Fada only got three cheer, but he wants more. Drown him. Crown him. Throw it at my mouth. Hear ye, hear ye. Make way for King Danny the Cave. King of Brooklyn, Emperor of Flatbush, Monarch of Greenpoint and exalted Czar of Cooney Island. My priceless people of Brooklyn, I greet you. Yeah, piped down. I implore you to pay heed to your faithful king. Oh, now, fellas, show a little respect. Respect toward me, will you? Your father takes bath. On this here day of my combination here. I feel I ought to say something to you that comes straight from the heart. So I say to you all, shut up. O good king, be we worship thee and Voidamort. Voidomor. If Moider gets you voider, then we'll moitermark Voidhorn. Other kings may smell, but you are smiling. You get paid for bed in the belfry. Nuts. Two days after King Dany's coronation, we find him in his royal council chamber ready to hold court. Me, King Danny Decay, royal dispensary of justice, will now dispense with justice. Who's the first culprit? Your Majesty, it's the Empire. Yesterday's baseball game in which our team lose 18 to nothing. You mean the Brooklyn Dodgers lose and the umpire is still alive? Why hasn't he been hungered? String him up. String up Harry James too. What's next? Well, King, this is a rather touchy subject. Your late father, Ighness the Lip, alias King Charlie the Chump, true to his title, mortgaged our ballpark to the hilt. The hilt, you say? Ernest de Lip did that? That's Right. So this mortgage has fallen into the hands of Queen Eve of Manhattan. There. Gad zooks, that shrew. What we do there is aught what else to do there. There's what. There is ought but else to. That's what I thought it said here. Listen, Marry the queen of Manhattan there and the ballpark is ours. What? Me, the king of Brooklyn, the cultural center of the universe. Marry a barbarian? Never. What is that for? Well, I gotta keep my lip in shaved, don't I? King, I hate to say this, but unless you marry Queen Eve of Manhattan, we're left. But I can't marry Eve. I love another. Who in Brooklyn we say who? All right, whom doom you love? Moital Nakilwust of Cooney Island. Who is this Moital? Is she of royal blood? Nay, she is a commoner. But what a built on her. A commoner? What is her station? Brighton Beach. Brighton Beach? Yeah, you know the hot dog stand in Coney island where they sell foot long hot dogs? Yea, verily, I had a yard and a half of em only yesterday. Well Mytle is in charge of the mustard pot there. And what a beauty she is with her yellow hair and fingers to match. But King, you must forget this ranch. You must go to see Queen Eve. See Queen Eve. And lift that Margaret tote that bar. Lift that Margaret, Lift that Mary hold knave and state dry business before you enter the castle of Queen Eve. Tell the queen that King Danny the Kay of Brooklyn is here. So be it. Your royal highness, this is King Danny the Kay. Art thou certain that yon varlet is King Danny of Brooklyn? Yea, verily. Boy, what a built on him. Enter king Danny and sit thou here beside me. Tain off the charm, Queenie. I'm here to talk business. Oh, fie on business. Let us remember our royal station. First we'll have tea. Shall I pour your majesty? No, I shall cream a dribble, sugar a lump lemon a square squeeze. Tea. Never touch it. Now listen Queenie, by some skull dudgery, you got the yev mortgage away from me fter. Oh fie on your father. But kiss my hand. Oh, fie on your hand. Now come on Queenie, be a good queen and tear up that mortgage I tell you. Nay, not so quick. First take me in your arms and crush me to you. Okay, I'm crushing. Well there's a bustle I can throw away. Now hold still, I'm going to kiss you. Brace yourself. Okay, but this is for Brooklyn. Now King Danny, how was that? It must have been pretty Good. Our crowns just changed heads. Oh, King Danny, you're wonderful. You must marry me. Marry you? I have spoken. I'll tear up the mortgage after. After we're married tomorrow. No marriage, no mortgage. Ah, your mother's brother. Ah, your sister's blister. If you don't marry me, I'll sic my navy on you. Ah, you and your big fat fleet. A thousand pardons, your majesty. I bring news from Brooklyn. Where did you get it? The Daily Eagle just flew by. At this very moment, Mytle nakilway sliced grievously Illinois. That's grievously ill. What happened to Myrtle? She got her head caught in a frankfurter bun. Was the bun empty? No, there was a hot dog in it. Well, thank heaven she ain't trapped in there without food. Come, Lyle, we must have eaten aside. Gee, I hope we reach Michael in time. Poor Michael, trapped in a bun. Lying there with her eyes full of crumbs. A gasping for me. I'm worried. I mean it. Look, King, there's a crowd around the foot long hot dog stand. And there's Michael. She's out of the bun. Michael. Michael, you're safe. Who sprung you? King Danny. Danny, my Kingy. Gee, Michael, you're all covered with dough. What are you thinking about? With all that dough, we can pay off the mortgage on a pawpaw. Sight me. Sight me. And now Michael and I can be married. Oh, but Danny, I cannot marry you. I am a commoner and you are a royalty. I'll fix that. Kneel down, Michael. Okay. With this foot long hot dog, I dub thee Countess of Coney Island. If we think of sichi is gonna be beachy. The Countess of Coney Island. The marriage can DC is fighting wee shishi. The Countess of Coney Island. There's a question I'd like to be popping you. Well, go on. I don't see nothing stopping you. Well, moital my title, I'll make this real terse. Will you take me, for better or worse, as your churce? Kindly answer no earliers you know the answer of curse. And so they were married in fact, which they tarried to hear us. We call once again. Kill the umpire. Well, well, Niles. Let's leave the mythical kingdom of Brooklyn and get back to reality. Hello? Oh, it's for you, Danny. Oh, thanks. Hello? Hello, Mr. G. This is Mr. O', Malley, and I'm having an awful time trying to keep the baby quiet. Would you tell him a bedtime story? Oh, sure. Just put him on the phone. What's the matter? With your baby. Listen, Bu. You listen while Uncle Danny tells you a nice bedtime story. Some lullaby music, Harry. Good night. Don't forget to be with us for the next Danny K. Show. Ken Nile speaking. This is the Armed Forces Radio Service. Sam, It.