The Danny Kaye Show 1945-02-03 (005) A Baby From Washington (AFRS)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – The Danny Kaye Show 1945-02-03 (005) A Baby From Washington (AFRS)

Release Date: July 20, 2025
Duration: Approximately 30 minutes
Hosts: Danny Kaye, Eve Arden, Lionel Sander, Ken Niles
Music: Harry James and His Music Makers

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1. Welcome Home Danny Kaye [00:01 - 09:34]

The episode opens with a warm welcome from Ken Niles, Eve Arden, and Lionel Sander as Danny Kaye arrives back in California from Washington. The chemistry among the cast sets a jovial tone for the episode.

• Ken Niles [00:01]: "We greet our aerial globe daughter, Danny Kaye, as he returns from Washington and sets foot on good old California soil."

Upon arrival, Danny introduces an unexpected companion—a mysterious baby he claims to have brought back from Washington. This revelation sparks curiosity and playful banter among the characters.

• Danny Kaye [02:15]: "A woman. A woman."
• Eve Arden [02:20]: "Well, that's startling information. Now, who is this woman?"

2. Introducing Gregory Ivanovich [03:05 - 05:25]

Danny elaborates on the origins of the baby, Gregory Ivanovich, a Russian infant sent to California by his mother, whom Danny met at the airport. The humorous exchanges highlight Danny's comedic flair.

• Danny Kaye [03:39]: "Well, he's a Russian baby. You see, his first name is Gregory Ivanovich... and his second name is Gnek."
• Lionel Sander [04:18]: "You don't understand that Jive Misty's a Russian baby. You gotta say Kitchi Kitschikowski."

Patrick O'Malley, Gregory's father, makes a brief appearance, leading to Danny soothing the baby with a Russian lullaby.

3. The Coronation: King Danny of Brooklyn [13:03 - 16:24]

In a fantastical twist, Danny envisions himself as the King of Brooklyn. This imaginative segment showcases classic old-time radio humor and Danny's versatile performance skills.

• Lionel Sander [13:21]: "When you was a kid in Brooklyn, you used to wonder what it would be like to be king."
• Ken Niles [14:41]: "Hear ye, hear ye. Make way for King Danny the K. King of Brooklyn, Emperor of Flatbush, monarch of Greenpoint, and exalted czar of Coney Island."

Danny's coronation speech is a blend of regal grandeur and comedic absurdity, setting the stage for ensuing royal antics.

4. The Royal Dilemma: Queen Eve and the Ballpark Mortgage [16:33 - 22:10]

King Danny faces a crisis: the Brooklyn ballpark is mortgaged to Queen Eve of Manhattan. To reclaim it, he must marry Queen Eve, but his heart belongs to Moital Nakilwust of Coney Island.

• Danny Kaye [17:09]: "So this mortgage has fallen into the hands of Queen Eve of Manhattan."
• Eve Arden [20:16]: "Oh, fie on your father. Kiss my hand."

The humorous negotiation unfolds with Danny resisting the marriage proposal, leading to a comedic showdown between royal duties and personal desires.

5. The Rescue of Moital from the Hot Dog Bun [22:19 - 24:21]

Amidst the royal turmoil, news arrives that Moital has had an accident involving a hot dog bun. Danny rushes to rescue her, blending slapstick humor with heartfelt moments.

• Lionel Sander [22:19]: "She got her head caught in a frankfurter bun."
• Danny Kaye [23:25]: "Michael, you're safe."

This segment culminates in a whimsical "marriage" using a foot-long hot dog, symbolizing Danny's choice to follow his heart over royal obligations.

• Danny Kaye [23:43]: "Well, Moital, my title. I'll make this real terse. Will you take me, for better or worse, as your chosen heir?"

6. Conclusion and Farewell [28:00 - 29:45]

The episode wraps up with Danny returning to reality, attending to his responsibilities with the baby Gregory. A heartfelt and humorous farewell from Ken Niles concludes the show.

• Danny Kaye [28:18]: "Some lullaby music, Harry. Good night."
• Ken Niles [29:14]: "Don't forget to be with us for the next Danny K. Show."

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Danny Kaye [00:47]: "Step right down, Mr. K. Ah, good old sunny California."

2. Eve Arden [01:09]: "Danny K. Just what is in this little bundle? Another milking machine?"
   [00:47 - 01:09]

3. Lionel Sander [03:05]: "He's wearing a three cornered parachute."
   [03:20]

4. Danny Kaye [05:49]: "Here you are. The original silver dollar that George Washington threw across the Potomac."
   [05:43 - 06:15]

5. Lionel Sander [13:03]: "When you was a kid in Brooklyn, you used to wonder what it would be like to be king."

6. Danny Kaye [20:40]: "Never touch it. Now listen Queenie. By some skull gujary, you got the Yebbotsville mortgage away from me."
   [20:33 - 20:48]

7. Lionel Sander [22:10]: "A thousand pardons, your majesty. I bring news from Brooklyn."

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Insights and Themes

• Comedy of Errors: The episode expertly weaves situational comedy with witty dialogue, showcasing the classic charm of Golden Age radio.

• Imaginative Storytelling: Danny's vision of being crowned King of Brooklyn adds a layer of fantasy, highlighting the era's penchant for larger-than-life narratives.

• Heart and Humor: Amidst the humor, the episode touches on themes of love and duty, as Danny navigates his royal responsibilities versus his personal desires.

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Conclusion

The Danny Kaye Show: A Baby From Washington is a delightful journey through humor, imagination, and heartfelt moments. With stellar performances from Danny Kaye, Eve Arden, Lionel Sander, and Ken Niles, complemented by Harry James' vibrant music, the episode encapsulates the essence of the Golden Age of Radio. Whether it's dealing with an unexpected baby, a whimsical coronation, or the comedic challenges of royalty, this episode offers a rich and engaging listening experience that remains timeless.

Transcript

[Ken Niles]

The Danny K Show. Yes, it's the Danny K Show with Eve Arden, Lionel Sander, yours truly, Ken Niles, and the outstanding music of America's top band, Harry James and his music Makers. Now, for your entertainment, we present the amazingly amusing talents of the one and only Danny Kaye. We greet our aerial globe daughter, Danny Kaye, as he returns from Washington and sets foot on good old California soil.

[Danny Kaye]

Step right down, Mr. K. Ah, good old sunny California.

[Lionel Sander]

There he is, Ms. Harden. Hiya, Danny.

[Danny Kaye]

Hello, Lionel. Hi, Evie.

[Eve Arden]

Hello, Danny. Welcome home.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, thanks, honey. You miss me?

[Eve Arden]

Certainly did. This place wasn't the same without you. Now that you're back, we can all return to abnormal.

[Danny Kaye]

Ah, you're a doll. Just a little doll. Say, Lionel, would you carry my bags a minute, please? I've got to carry this little bundle I brought back from Washington.

[Eve Arden]

I knew it. I knew it. Danny K. Just what is in this little bundle? Another milking machine?

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, on the contrary, look.

[Eve Arden]

A b.

[Lionel Sander]

Well, it ain't Fanny Brice, sister.

[Danny Kaye]

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

[Lionel Sander]

What?

[Danny Kaye]

You made it with this baby, you lazy baby. Lionel, turn your face the other way. I thought that would do it.

[Eve Arden]

Danny K. Where did that baby come from?

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, Evie, it came from. From Washington.

[Eve Arden]

Well, let me put it another way.

[Danny Kaye]

I wish you would.

[Eve Arden]

Who is this baby's mother?

[Danny Kaye]

A woman.

[Eve Arden]

Well, that's startling information. Now, who is this woman?

[Danny Kaye]

I know what? Well, look, I just met her as I was getting on the plane.

[Eve Arden]

What?

[Danny Kaye]

Yeah, she was sending her baby to California. She thought I had a kind motherly face.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, she did?

[Danny Kaye]

Yes, she did. So she asked me to take care of him on the trip. Now, the baby's papa's gonna meet me here in a minute and take him up, isn't he? Isn't he a cute little gurglefuss? Isn't he cut. Don't you. Do you like babies, Lionel?

[Lionel Sander]

Yeah, I love babies. They're so young.

[Eve Arden]

Now, there's a brilliant observation.

[Lionel Sander]

Gee, it is wonderful, ain't it? What a baby. Flying 3,000 miles. And look, he's all dressed for the plane trip, too.

[Danny Kaye]

What do you mean?

[Lionel Sander]

He's wearing a three cornered parachute.

[Eve Arden]

Did you come straight through, Danny?

[Danny Kaye]

Well, I did, but the baby change at Kansas City.

[Lionel Sander]

Gosh, he's a cute little muppet. What's his name, Danny?

[Danny Kaye]

Well, he's a Russian baby. You see, his first name is Gregory Ivanovich. Sergey Koji says, yes, is Masno zhy di Vyasna Bresnyel Brasnyoz. And his second name is Gnek.

[Patrick O'Malley]

Hello, isn't that a Bernie baby. Kitchy, kitchy, kitchy.

[Danny Kaye]

Cool.

[Lionel Sander]

You don't understand that Jive Misty's a Russian baby. You gotta say Kitchi Kitschikowski. But you wouldn't know that.

[Patrick O'Malley]

No, I wouldn't. I'm just his father.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, oh, oh, his father. Oh, gee, I hate to part with him, but here.

[Patrick O'Malley]

Oh, gee, thanks. No. Every time he sees me, he busts out crying.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, wait just a minute. I think I can quiet him. You see, it's simple. That's a Russian lullaby.

[Patrick O'Malley]

Oh, nice. You're wonderful. Patrick's a sleep.

[Eve Arden]

Patrick?

[Patrick O'Malley]

Sure, that's his name. Patrick Michael o'. Malley. Well, thanks again.

[Danny Kaye]

That's all right.

[Eve Arden]

Patrick Michael o'. Malley. What a name for a Russian baby.

[Patrick O'Malley]

Well, his mother's Russian, but I'm Irish.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, what do you know? Aaron, go borscht. Say, look, if you get into any trouble with the baby, don't forget to call me up.

[Patrick O'Malley]

Thank you.

[Danny Kaye]

Bye.

[Eve Arden]

Well, come on, Tavaresh. Let's get going back to the hotel.

[Danny Kaye]

Okay.

[Lionel Sander]

Say, Danny, do you have a good time in Washington?

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, just wonderful, Lionel. Just wonderful. And by the way, I brought back a present for you.

[Lionel Sander]

For me?

[Danny Kaye]

Gee, yeah, yeah, I got it right here in my pocket. Here you are. The original silver dollar that George Washington threw across the Potomac.

[Lionel Sander]

Gosh, thanks, Danny. Hey, wait a minute. Look at the date on this buck. 1912.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, that isn't the date he threw it. That's the date they coined it.

[Lionel Sander]

Oh, I see. Why didn't I think of that? Gee, ain't I a dope?

[Eve Arden]

You have $1. Would you care to try for two? Say, Danny, I read about the shows you put on. They tell me you were entertaining every minute.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, we got quite arrested in one place thanks to a certain soprano who sang about 8,000 songs at her own request.

[Lionel Sander]

What was her name?

[Danny Kaye]

I don't know, but it should have been Lucretia, Quiver, Tonsil or Natalie. No Throat or something. Oh, you should have heard her. Not only did she miss notes completely, but when she hit one, she flogged it into exhaustion.

[Lionel Sander]

Wasn't there anything good about it?

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, yes, her diction was superb. Just superb. I'll give you an imitation of her sometime. Singing. Airy, Hairy. A python.

[Lionel Sander]

Why not do it now?

[Danny Kaye]

A cold snail. Ah, come on, that's enough. When all the birds have gone to sleep and all the frogs are still Then you will hear the fairy pipes Come out upon the hill Come out, come out Listen on the air up there, down there Fairies everywhere oh.

[Lionel Sander]

Ha.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, here. Can't you hear the tune? Fairy fairy pipes underneath the silver moon. But if you doubt that this canopy and question what I stir, you'll never hear the melody the hairy piper's play. Come out up there, down there Fairies everywhere. Can't you hear? There too hairy Perry Piper's underneath a silver moon. Man.

[Lionel Sander]

That was great, Danny. That was great. No wonder Lucretia Quiver Tonsil was the hit of Washington. Come out, come out. Listen on the ass.

[Danny Kaye]

Quiet.

[Eve Arden]

Quiet, you sandpaper Sinatra.

[Lionel Sander]

Why, Miss Darden, don't you think my voice is cute?

[Eve Arden]

I think it's perfect for calling a taxi. Now call one. Let's get back to the hotel.

[Ken Niles]

Oh, Danny. Hey, Danny.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, well, well. Ken Niles. Am I glad to see you.

[Ken Niles]

Well, me too. Welcome home, Danny. Say, come on, I'll run you back to the hotel. Here you are, gang. Step into my private car. Okay. Well, there you are, Danny, back home, safe and sound.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, thank you very much. You made it in good time, Ken.

[Ken Niles]

Yeah, and speaking of time, Danny, you got back just in time to hear your pal Harry James and his music makers play their special arrangement of Loveless Love.

[Danny Kaye]

Thank you, Harry. That music makes me awfully glad to be back. Well, you're welcome, Danny. And I do mean welcome home. Did you have a good time in Washington? Oh, wonderful. Just wonderful.

[Lionel Sander]

Hey, Danny, did you exchange repartees with a lot of Washington high honorables?

[Danny Kaye]

Well, I met the British ambassador and the French ambassador, that's all.

[Lionel Sander]

You mean you didn't even have the honor of meeting the ambassador from Brooklyn?

[Danny Kaye]

The ambassador? Lionel, Brooklyn doesn't send an ambassador to Washington. Why?

[Lionel Sander]

Have they severed diplomatic relations again?

[Danny Kaye]

No, Lionel. Although we Brooklynites have often been invited to live alone and like it.

[Lionel Sander]

Gee, Danny, when you was a kid in Brooklyn, you used to wonder what it would be like to be king.

[Danny Kaye]

I must have, er. Gee, king of Brooklyn.

[Lionel Sander]

Sure. Then I could be your prime minister. Winston Standard. I can see it all now.

[Danny Kaye]

You can?

[Lionel Sander]

Yeah. It's the big day of your coronation and you are in your regal robes of mink dyed skunk with IJ Fox personally holding up your train. The park is crowded for the gala event.

[Danny Kaye]

Park? What park?

[Lionel Sander]

The Brooklyn ballpark.

[Danny Kaye]

Ebbetts Field. What a place for a coronation.

[Lionel Sander]

Why not? You know a better place to get crowns?

[Danny Kaye]

Crown him, crown him. Show to my men, bruffin. Crown him, crown him. Throw the bum in. Be Ruben. Oh, his father was a potter but he's even more father Only got three cheers but he wants more crowded. Crown him. Crowd it. My mouth is Brooklyn.

[Ken Niles]

Hear ye, hear ye. Make way for King Danny the K. King of Brooklyn, Emperor of Flatbush, monarch of Greenpoint, and exalted czar of Cooney Island.

[Danny Kaye]

My priceless people of Brooklyn, I greet you.

[Lionel Sander]

Yeah, pipe down.

[Danny Kaye]

I implore you to pay heed to your faithful king. Oh now fellas, show a little respect toward me, will ya? Your father takes B on this here day of my coronation here, I feel I ought to say something to you that comes straight from the heart. So I say to you all. She O good king, be we worship thee and voidamortemore gets you foidered. Then we'll moitermart. Other kings may smell, but you are smiter. You get paid for bed in the belfry.

[Ken Niles]

Two days after King Dany's coronation, we find him in his royal council chamber ready to hold court.

[Danny Kaye]

Me king Danny Decay, royal dispensary of justice, will now dispense with justice. Who's the first culprit?

[Lionel Sander]

Your majesty, it's the umpire. Yesterday's baseball game in which our team lose 18 to nothing.

[Danny Kaye]

You mean the Brooklyn Dodgers lose and the umpire is still alive? Why hasn't he been hungered? String him up. String up Harry James too. What's nick?

[Lionel Sander]

Well, King, this is a rather touchy subject. Your late father, Inos the Lip, aliased King Charlie the jump true to his title, mortgaged our ballpark to the hilt.

[Danny Kaye]

The hilt, you say?

[Lionel Sander]

Yes, Highness, the Lip did dat. That's right. So this mortgage has fallen into the hands of Queen Eve of Manhattan. There.

[Danny Kaye]

Gad zooks, that shrew. What we do.

[Lionel Sander]

There is aught what else to do there.

[Danny Kaye]

There is what.

[Lionel Sander]

There is ought what else to do there.

[Danny Kaye]

That's what I thought it said here.

[Lionel Sander]

Listen. Marry the Queen of Manhattan there, and the ballpark is ours. What?

[Danny Kaye]

Me, the king of Brooklyn, the cultural center of the universe. Marry a barbarian? Never. What is that for? Well, I gotta keep my lip in shape, don't I?

[Lionel Sander]

King, I hate to say this, but unless you marry Queen Eve of Manhattan, we're left.

[Danny Kaye]

But I can't marry Eve. I love another. Who in Brooklyn we say who?

[Lionel Sander]

All right. Whom doom you love?

[Danny Kaye]

Moital Nakilwust of Cooney Island.

[Lionel Sander]

Who is this Moital? Is she of royal blood?

[Danny Kaye]

Nay, she is a commoner.

[Lionel Sander]

But what a biltiner. A cabinet. What is her station? Viton Beach. Brighton Beach?

[Danny Kaye]

Yeah, you know the hot dog stand in Coney island where they sell foot long hot dogs?

[Lionel Sander]

Yea, verily, I had a yard and a half of them only yesterday.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, mytle Is in charge of the mustard pot there. And what a beauty she is. With her yellow hair and fingers to match.

[Lionel Sander]

But King, you must forget this ranch. You must go to see Queen Eve. Seek Queen Eve and lift that mortgage. Tote that vibe. Lift that mortgage.

[Danny Kaye]

Lift that mortgage. Hold nave and stateside business. Before you enter the castle of Queen Eve. Tell the queen that King Danny decay of Brooklyn is here. So be it. Your royal highness, this is King Danny. The cave.

[Eve Arden]

Art thou certain that yon varlet is King Dany of Brooklyn?

[Danny Kaye]

Yea, verily.

[Eve Arden]

Boy, what a built on him. Enter King Danny and sit thou here beside me.

[Danny Kaye]

Turn off the charm, Queenie. I'm here to talk business.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, fie on business. Let us remember our royal station. First we'll have tea.

[Danny Kaye]

Shall I pour your majesty?

[Eve Arden]

No, I shall.

[Danny Kaye]

Cream, that's ribble.

[Eve Arden]

Sugar, a lump lemon, a squeeze. Tea.

[Danny Kaye]

Never touch it. Now listen Queenie. By some skull gujary, you got the Yebbotsville mortgage away from me. Fader.

[Eve Arden]

Oh, fie on your father. Kiss my hand.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, fie on your hand. Now come on Queenie. Be a good queen and tear up that mortgage.

[Lionel Sander]

I take.

[Eve Arden]

Nay, not so quick. First take me in your arms and crush me to you.

[Danny Kaye]

Okay, I'm crushing.

[Eve Arden]

Well, there's a bustle I can throw away. Now hold still. I'm going to kiss you. Brace yourself.

[Danny Kaye]

Okay, but this is for Brooklyn. Now.

[Eve Arden]

King Danny, how was that?

[Danny Kaye]

It must have been pretty good. Our crowns just changed heads.

[Eve Arden]

Oh King Danny, you're wonderful. You must marry me.

[Danny Kaye]

Marry you?

[Eve Arden]

I have spoken. I'll tear up the mortgage after we're married tomorrow. No marriage, no mortgage.

[Danny Kaye]

And your mother's brother.

[Eve Arden]

And your sister's blister. If you don't marry me, I'll fix my navy on you.

[Danny Kaye]

Ah, you and your big fat fleet.

[Lionel Sander]

A thousand pardons, your majesty. I bring news from Brooklyn.

[Danny Kaye]

Where did you get it?

[Lionel Sander]

The Daily Eagle just flew by. At this very moment, Michael Nakilwe slies grievously Illinois.

[Danny Kaye]

That's grievously ill. What happened to Mytle?

[Lionel Sander]

She got her head caught in a frankfurter bun.

[Danny Kaye]

Was the bun empty?

[Lionel Sander]

No, there was a hot dog in it.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, thank heaven she ain't trapped in there without food. Come Lionel, we must hurry to our side. Gee, I hope we reach Myrtle in time. Poor Michael, trapped in a bun. Lying there with her eyes full of crumbs, gasping for me. I'm worried. I mean it.

[Lionel Sander]

Look King, there's a crowd around the foot long hot dog stand. And there's Michael, she's out of the bun. Michael.

[Danny Kaye]

Michael, you're safe. Who sprung you?

[Patrick O'Malley]

King Danny. Danny, my kingy.

[Danny Kaye]

Gee, Myrtle, you're all covered with dough.

[Lionel Sander]

What are you thinking about? With all that dough, we can pay off the mortgage on a pawpaw.

[Danny Kaye]

Sight me. Sight me. And now Michael and I can be married.

[Patrick O'Malley]

Oh, but Danny, I cannot marry you. I am a commoner and you are a royalty.

[Danny Kaye]

I'll fix that. Kneel down, Michael. Okay, with this foot long hot dog, I dub dude countess of Coney Island. If we think of Sichi is gonna be bee. She the countess of Coney Island. The Mary Kentishi is fighting we Shishi, the goddess of Coney Island. There's a question I'd like to be popping you.

[Patrick O'Malley]

Well, go on. I don't see nothing stopping you.

[Danny Kaye]

Well, moital my title. I'll make this real terse. Will you take me, for better or worse, as your churse kindly answer? No ears, you know the answer of curse. And so they were married in flight, which they tarried to. Heroes, we call once again. Kill the umpire. Well, well, Niles. Let's leave the mythical kingdom of Brooklyn and get back to reality.

[Patrick O'Malley]

Wait.

[Danny Kaye]

Hello?

[Ken Niles]

Oh, it's for you, Danny.

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, thanks. Hello?

[Patrick O'Malley]

Hello, Mr. Gay? This is Mr. O', Malley, and I'm having an awful time trying to keep the baby quiet. Wouldn't you tell him a bedtime story?

[Danny Kaye]

Oh, sure. Just put him on the phone. What's the matter with your baby? Listen, Booblitsky, you listen while Uncle Danny tells you a nice bedtime story. Some lullaby music, Harry. Good night.

[Ken Niles]

Don't forget to be with us for the next Danny K. Show. Ken Nile speaking. This is the Armed Forces Radio Service.

[Lionel Sander]

SA.