The Golden Days of Radio - Christmas Special (Hour 1)

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: The Golden Days of Radio - Christmas Special (Hour 1)
Host: Frank Bresee (with ensemble cast)
Date: December 24, 2025

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Overview

This Christmas Special is a joyful, nostalgic tribute to the "Golden Age of Radio," recreating and celebrating the radio programs that captivated audiences before television became commonplace. Broadcast live from the Variety Arts Theater in Los Angeles, the show gathers legendary radio personalities—Rudy Vallée, Curly Bradley, Janet Waldo, and many others—for a festive, variety-filled two-hour extravaganza (Hour 1 detailed here). The episode invites listeners to relive classic Christmas moments, comedic sketches, dramatic stories, songs, and the unmistakable holiday spirit that united families around the radio in decades past.

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Key Segments & Highlights

1. Opening and Introductions (00:30 – 02:37)

• Host Frank Bresee sets the scene, offering Christmas greetings to listeners and introducing an all-star lineup expected for the variety show.
• Notable quote:
  "We once again invite you to join us in sharing our happiness and joy as we present this 15th annual two hour golden days of Christmas." – Frank Bresee (01:30)

2. Musical Opening with Rudy Vallée (02:37 – 06:15)

• Rudy Vallée performs a lively rendition of “Hooray for Hollywood,” blending song with playful banter.
• Jokes about Hollywood, fame, and the Christmas season set a lighthearted tone.
• Memorable moment:
  Rudy and Frank exchange quips about Christmas trees, the cost of silver, and Rudy’s “angel hair color,” capturing old-time radio humor.

3. Rapid-Fire Radio Show Re-creations (07:01 – 14:34)

• A fun, fast-paced sequence in which the cast recreates classic radio show openings and taglines:
  • "The Fleischman Hour”
  • “Life Can Be Beautiful”
  • “The Edgar Bergen Charlie McCarthy Show”
  • “Superman,” “The Falcon,” “Captain Midnight,” “Inner Sanctum,” “Gunsmoke,” "Queen for a Day," "The Guiding Light," and more.
• Emphasizes the variety and inventiveness of radio's golden age.
• Notable quote:
  "Faster than a speeding bullet." – Willard Waterman as announcer (09:06)
  "It's a bird." "It's a plane." "It's Superman." – Ensemble (09:15–09:18)

4. "Meet Corliss Archer" Christmas Sketch (16:18 – 23:38)

• Janet Waldo reprises Corliss Archer, joined by Sam Edwards (Dexter) and Tyler McVeigh (Mr. Archer).
• Plot: Corliss fears Santa has forgotten her; a romantic misunderstanding with Dexter results in comic distress and heartfelt sentiments.
• Fast, witty dialogue—classic teenage confusion and humor.
• Memorable moment:
  "Because he knows I always lie to him. Well, not always. But he can't tell for sure. The poor dope." – Corliss (17:07)
• Notable quote:
  "Frankly, Corliss, I don't give a damn." – Dexter, parodying "Gone With the Wind" (19:38)

5. Tom Mix Christmas Adventure (24:19 – 37:48)

• Curly Bradley stars in a specially written Tom Mix holiday drama, assisted by Tyler McVeigh (Sheriff Mike Shaw), Rhoda Williams (Jane), Viola Vaughan (Martha).
• Story Summary: Tom Mix helps Martha find her lost son Pete in a snowstorm—with suspense, cowboy grit, Christmas bells, and a glowing tree star guiding the rescue.
• Themes: Bravery, kindness, community spirit at Christmas.
• Memorable moment:
  “If Tony could know what's at stake, don't you think he would want us to try?” – Tom Mix (32:43)
• Notable quote:
  “Thoughtfulness and consideration for others is something we should all be thinking about this time of year. And all year..." – Tom Mix (37:23)
• Ends with actors discussing the upcoming 50th anniversary of the Tom Mix Ralston Straight Shooters program.

6. The Great Gildersleeve Comedy: The Mystery Christmas Gift (40:51 – 59:19)

• Willard Waterman stars as Gildersleeve, with a supporting cast in a comedic sketch about trying to identify a mysterious, elaborate Christmas present.
• Classic verbal gags about painted Christmas trees, welded gifts, and misunderstandings about Eton College.
• Running joke: No one knows the purpose of the odd, chrome-plated present.
• Notable quote:
  “I don't know whether to cook with it, listen to it, or hang it in the shower. I don't know whether to tune it in, turn it on, or toss it out.” – Gildersleeve (45:40)
• Eventually revealed: It's a bookend—echoing the humor found in everyday miscommunications.

7. Wit & Banter: "Eton/Eating" College Routine (51:50 – 54:49)

• Gildersleeve is joined by the Mayor and Mrs. Tubes for a prolonged pun-laden routine about Eton College vs. “eating college,” showing off the wordplay that typifies golden-age radio comedy.
• Memorable moment:
  "A college man, and he can't spell eatin’!" – Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece) (54:33)

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On Christmas Memories:
  "As we present this 15th annual two hour golden days of Christmas...we hope to recreate some fond memories of Christmas by recreating some great radio programs of those years." – Frank Bresee (01:30)

• On Old-Time Radio Variety:
  “Faster than a speeding bullet... Look, up in the sky!” – Ensemble as Superman opens (09:06–09:16)

• On Teenage Matters:
  "Because he knows I always lie to him... Well, not always. But he can't tell for sure. The poor dope." – Corliss (17:07)
  "Frankly, Corliss, I don't give a damn." – Dexter (19:38)

• On Holiday Generosity:
  “Thoughtfulness and consideration for others is something we should all be thinking about this time of year. And all year..." – Tom Mix (37:23)

• On Christmas Puzzles:
  “I don't know whether to cook with it, listen to it, or hang it in the shower. I don't know whether to tune it in, turn it on, or toss it out.” – Gildersleeve (45:40)

• On Puns and Wordplay:
  "A college man, and he can't spell eatin’!" – Alice (54:33)

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Episode Structure & Tone

• Tone: Joyful, humorous, steeped in nostalgia and the camaraderie of a radio ensemble.
• Style: Alternates between comedic variety, dramatic sketches, musical interludes, and sentimental reminiscing.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment/Sketch | Timestamp | |-------------------------------------------|--------------------| | Opening & Introductions | 00:30 – 02:37 | | Music: Rudy Vallée “Hooray for Hollywood” | 02:37 – 05:01 | | Classic Show Openings Tribute | 07:01 – 14:34 | | Corliss Archer Christmas Sketch | 16:18 – 23:38 | | Tom Mix Christmas Adventure | 24:19 – 37:48 | | The Great Gildersleeve: Gift Mystery | 40:51 – 59:19 | | Eton “Eating College” Comedy Riff | 51:50 – 54:49 |

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Memorable Moments

• Classic show taglines performed by the ensemble at breakneck speed, rekindling the magic of radio intros for listeners old and new. (07:01–14:34)
• Tom Mix’s dramatic horseback rescue—a heartwarming holiday tale blending adventure and Christmas spirit. (24:19–37:48)
• Gildersleeve’s ongoing confusion about his Christmas present, capturing the universal experience of puzzling over mysterious gifts. (40:51–59:19)

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Summary

This Christmas special from Harold's Old Time Radio is equal parts affectionate parody, authentic recreation, and heartfelt tribute to the programs that defined a bygone era. With a host of famous radio voices, musical numbers, dramatic scenes, quick-witted humor, and the warm, communal joy of the holidays, this episode delivers a magical journey back in time—perfect listening for radio fans and holiday nostalgists alike.

Transcript

[Safeway/Albertsons Advertiser]

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[Frank Bresee]

Live from the Variety Arts Theater in Los Angeles, California, the Golden Days of Christmas. Welcome to the golden days of christmas. Two hours of star studded entertainment featuring live in person radio's tom nick's curly bradley, bobby brzee, bob cummings, howard duff, sam edwards, marvin miller, tyler mcveigh, frank nelson, les tremaine, lorraine tuttle, rudy valley, viola vaughan, janet waldo, willard waterman, rhoda williams. And now your host for the full two hours. Frank receive.

[Frank]

Merry Christmas, ladies and gentlemen. Best wishes for the holiday season to all of you from every one of the stars, Bill Baldwin just mentioned, from the American Forces Radio and Television Service, its staff and management, and of course from myself. We once again invite you to join us in sharing our happiness and joy as we present this 15th annual two hour golden days of Christmas. Assembled on our stage in person for this special Yuletide program. We are again presenting some of the greatest performers radio ever had to offer. And during the next 120 minutes we hope to recreate some fond memories of Christmas by recreating some great radio programs of those years. Now sit back, relax and listen to the best of the best as we celebrate Christmas 1982. To open our show, here's one of the great stars of radio. It's a pleasure to introduce Rudy Valli.

[Frank Bresee]

Hooray for Hollywood, that screwy ballyhooy Hollywood where any office boy or young mechanic can be a panic with just a good looking pan. And any barmaid can be a star, mate if she dances with or without a fan. Come out, come out wherever you are. Yes, you too can be a movie star. You've heard of the Gables and Garbles? You'd like to be one of them. Well, you're the ones they're roaring for over at MGM. Listen Mr. Romeo, they're calling you west to RKO. Hooray for Hollywood, that phony super coney Hollywood. They come from Chillick Coffees and Padukas with their bazookas to get their names up in life. And armed with photos from local rotos with their hair in ribbons and their legs in tights, hooray for Hollywood, where you're terrific if you're even good. Where anyone at all, from Shirley Temple to Amy Temple is equally understood. Go out and try your luck. You might be darn or dark. Bring your brother and don't be tardy. You might be the new Laurel and Hardy. There's always room for another star. Just say, move over there, Hedy Lamar. Lights, camera, action. Because it's home. You may be homely in your neighborhood, but if you think that you can be an actor, see Mr.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Factor.

[Frank Bresee]

He'd make a monkey look good. Within a half an hour. You look like Pyron.

[Frank]

Thank you. Thank you, Rudy. Thank you, Frank.

[Frank Bresee]

Thank you, Frank. And thanks to these, to this wonderful audience playing such a great audience, the ushers will now pass among you and give each one of you my autograph. Please have your money ready.

[Frank]

Rudy, it's great to have you back for another big show.

[Frank Bresee]

Well, I couldn't refuse, Frank.

[Frank]

Why not?

[Frank Bresee]

They didn't ask me. I'm doing this my agent. Otherwise, I have to give him 10% of my Christmas presents.

[Frank]

Well, nevertheless, Rudy, you're the very spirit of Christmas around here.

[Frank Bresee]

Oh, you've noticed my new angel hair color? It's a cross between Fredericks of Hollywood and Grecian Formula 16. Like the purple tint. Quite chic, don't you think?

[Frank]

Yes. Ah, Rudy, you're really full of the.

[Frank Bresee]

Oh, well, you know, these Christmas Eve open houses.

[Frank]

Sorry I couldn't make yours. Rudy, you always have such a beautiful tree.

[Frank Bresee]

Yes, and, you know, this year they were running around $6 a foot, but I finally picked out one. Didn't set me back too much.

[Frank]

Did you have much trouble carting at home?

[Frank Bresee]

Yes, it kept falling out of the tweezers.

[Frank]

What. What kind of a tree was it?

[Frank Bresee]

It was a silver tip. And you know the price of silver today.

[Frank]

Oh, I know, I know.

[Frank Bresee]

Excuse me, fellas. May I cut in on this conversation? You mean with an uppercut? Are you referring to my screen appearances?

[Frank]

You know, Rudy, Bill is the famous fight announcer in the motion picture Rocky III.

[Frank Bresee]

And don't forget, I was in Rocky 1 and Rocky 2. Bill, let me give you some advice in your career from a man who's long on advice from a man who's long in career.

[Frank]

Very long.

[Frank Bresee]

You are doing too many Rocky pictures. Your career is going down a rocky road. Yeah, you're on the ropes. You've Been knocked out. The count is 10. The canvas is calling. You're slipping down the chutes now. Now, wait a minute. Save your money. You did and kept it, and I'm not letting it go. Ah.

[Frank]

Bill has a career that'll go on forever. And speaking of careers, Rudy, you certainly had an exciting one.

[Frank Bresee]

Yes, 1929 was a very good year for me. And a bad year for everybody else. I hope you're referring to the stock market crash.

[Frank]

Of course he is, Rudy. It's just that in 1929, Rudy Valley began the first big variety show on radio. The Fleischman Hour.

[Frank Bresee]

I know that, Frank. And during the years to follow, there were so many wonderful shows. Tell you what. Why don't we have our cast recreate the openings of some of the great shows just like we did last year?

[Frank]

Okay, Bill.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

From Radio City, New York, the Rudy Valley Hour. With Billy Burke, Lou Holtz and the.

[Frank Bresee]

Great profile, John Barrymore. My time is your time, Henry.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Henry Ulrich.

[Frank Bresee]

Coming, Mother. Stay tuned for the Guiding Light. Brought to you by the makers of P and G soap. And now, Life can be beautiful. John Ruskin wrote this. Whenever money is the principal object of life, it is both got ill and spent ill. And does harm in both getting and spending. When getting and spending, happiness is our aim, Life can be beautiful.

[Frank]

This. This is one man's family book. 17, chapter 9. Father Barber has too much Christmas spirit and gets arrested.

[Frank Bresee]

Coca Cola presents the Edgar Bergen Charlie McCarthy Show. With Mortimer Snurd, Effie Clinker, Ray Noble and his orchestra. And yours truly, Bill Baldwin. Procter and Gamble, makers of Oxidol, presents Virginia Payne, starring as everyone's own Ma Perkins. Thank you.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

And remember, ladies, Oxidols really swell. But does does everything.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Faster than a speeding bullet.

[Frank Bresee]

More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Look. Up in the sky.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

It's a bird.

[Frank Bresee]

It's a plane. It's Superman.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Super person.

[Frank Bresee]

Oh, gee.

[Frank]

Gem Razors and Gem Blades presents the Adventures of the Falcon. Starring Les Tremaine as the Falcon.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Hello?

[Frank Bresee]

Yes, this is the Falcon. Give me the address.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

I'll be right there. Captain Midnight. Yes, Captain Midnight. Brought to you every day, Monday through.

[Frank Bresee]

Friday, by the makers of Ovaltine.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

America's favorite food drink.

[Frank Bresee]

Rinso.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

White Rinso. Happy Little Wash Day Song.

[Frank Bresee]

I am the whistler. And I know many things. For I walk by night. I know many strange tales Hidden in the hearts of men and women who.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Have stepped into the shadows.

[Frank Bresee]

Yes, I know the secrets, the nameless terrors of which they dare not Speak.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

And now, in cooperation with the editors of True Detective magazine and the Mutual Broadcasting System, True Detective Mysteries brought to you by exlax, America's fastest moving product.

[Frank]

Lipton tea and Lipton soup presentation Inner Sanctum Mysteries.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Good evening, friends of the Inner Sanctum. This is Raymond, your host, to welcome you in through the squeaking door to another half hour of horror. Come in. Won't you sit down? I hope you'll forgive me if I don't get up, but I'm terribly tired. I spent last night with a friend who's a book collector. Specializes in best sellers. He certainly showed me some interesting ones. In fact, he tried to bury me in one. Because all the very best sellers have corpses in them. Of course they do.

[Frank Bresee]

The Tom Mitch Ralston Straight Shooters are on the air with action mystery and mile a minute thrills in radio's biggest western detective program. Come on, boy. Shredded for your breakfast. Start the day off shine and fry. Gives you lots of cowboy energy with a flavor that's just right. It's delicious and nutritious. Life size and ready to eat. Take a dip from Tom. Go and tell your mom. Shredded Goldstone. Can't be be.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Guns Smoke.

[Frank Bresee]

Starring William Conrad.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

The story of the violence that moved.

[Frank Bresee]

West with young America and the story of the man that moved with it.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

I'm that man. Matt Dillon, United States Marshal.

[Frank Bresee]

The first man they look for and.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

The last they want to find.

[Frank Bresee]

It's a chancy job and it makes a man watchful and a little lonely. Lsmft ls mft?

[Frank]

You said it. Yes, sir.

[Frank Bresee]

Why, sure.

[Frank]

You bet.

[Frank Bresee]

Household american. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Would you like to be queen for a day?

[Frank]

Johnny Presents the Philip Morris Playhouse.

[Frank Bresee]

Call for philippe more. And now get ready to smile again with radio's home folks. Vic and Sade brought to you by Crisco.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Please remember Uncle Sam needs your used fat ladies. Get your fat cans down to the market today.

[Frank]

Well, those were some great shows, Bill, but I didn't hear any young people.

[Frank Bresee]

Oh, Frank. Young people in radio 30 years ago were pretty much like young people today.

[Frank]

Are you kidding?

[Frank Bresee]

Well, there are some minor differences. Maybe.

[Safeway/Albertsons Advertiser]

Save on holiday essentials at Safeway and Albertsons this week. Get USDA Choice Beef Bone in Roast for $6.97 per pound with digital coupon and minimum purchase of $50 or more in a single transaction excluding the price of the roast while supplies last. Limit one plus get broccoli, cauliflower, green beans or Brussels sprouts for 97 cents per pound with digital coupon limit six pounds. And russet, red or yellow potatoes, yellow onions, yams or Sweet potatoes are 99 cents per pound. Member price. Visit safewayalbertsons.com for more deals.

[Odoo Advertiser]

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[Frank Bresee]

Take Corliss Archer, for instance. She came to radio after delighting thousands in the popular Broadway show by F. Hugh Herbert. Here's the original Corliss Archer, Janet Waldo and the original Dexter, Sam Edwards. With Tyler McVeigh as Mr. Archer. And meet Corliss Archer. It's Christmas season at the Archers, but everything isn't mistletoe and holly with an archer named Corliss. In fact, Corliss is worried that Santa Claus may have lost her address. Right now she's talking over her problems with her father.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

What am I gonna do, daddy? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

[Frank Bresee]

You know, there's a bad echo in this room.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

How can you joke about this? Daddy, I can't tell you how awful it was at Schroeder's last night when there I was having a soda with that lifeguard, Jerry Allen, and Dexter came walking in and he wouldn't let me explain. I mean, how could I explain?

[Frank Bresee]

Well, you could have told him you wanted to spend some time with a boy who had some muscles in his arms instead of in his head.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, daddy, it's not funny. Oh, Dexter will never forgive me. I know it. I know it.

[Frank Bresee]

Now. Now, wait a minute. Call us.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

I've been waiting for 24 solid hours. How many times have we gone 24 hours without hearing a word from Dexter?

[Frank Bresee]

Not very often, but it's been heaven.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Daddy, I only went out with Jerry Allen because he was the son of one of your clients.

[Frank Bresee]

That's the only reason, baby.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Well, that and because he looked so yummy as a lifeguard on the beach last summer. But he's lost all his tan and in clothes, he doesn't look like a lifeguard.

[Frank Bresee]

Well, why don't you just tell Dexter the truth?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

He'd never believe me.

[Odoo Advertiser]

Why not?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Because he knows I always lie to him. Well, not always. But he can't tell for sure. The poor dope.

[Frank Bresee]

Does Dexter ever lie to you?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Dexter isn't smart enough to lie. He's so good and so dumb. Daddy, it just won't be Christmas for me unless I can make up with dexterity. I'm gonna call him up. Do you think I should just put my pride in my pocket?

[Frank Bresee]

I'll hold it for you while you're on the phone.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, he'll understand. I'm sure he'll understand. He's gotta understand. He's just gotta understand.

[Frank Bresee]

Franklin residence.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Dexter, this is Carlis.

[Frank]

Ha.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Listen, Dexter, you've gotta understand that I love you.

[Frank Bresee]

Ha. What is love? Love is a temporary chemical reaction that only fools believe will last. It's a silly dream, a ridiculous notion.

[Martha Nordland]

A bubble, a poof.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Are you reading that from something?

[Frank Bresee]

We live, we suffer, we die. And only the undertaker laughs. Oh, perfidious person. O faithless female.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

You have no right to talk to me that way.

[Frank Bresee]

Have I not?

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Ha.

[Frank Bresee]

And double. Ha.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Dexter, what's gonna happen to me?

[Frank Bresee]

Frankly, Corliss, I don't give a damn.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Dexter. Dexter. Dexter.

[Frank Bresee]

Well, what did he say?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

He hung up on me. He called me perfidious. He called me faithless. He called me a female.

[Frank Bresee]

Want your pride back?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

He can't talk to me that way. How could it be so completely lacking and understanding? He is stupid. He's just as stupid as you've always said he is. And crude. The names he called.

[Frank Bresee]

Now, now, now.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

He's not worthy of my affection. He's not. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.

[Frank Bresee]

There's that echo again.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

I don't know how I ever could have loved him. Oh, when I think I've given him the best years of my life. Oh, I hate him.

[Frank Bresee]

This is a madhouse.

[Frank]

I'm getting out of here.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

That could be Dexter.

[Frank Bresee]

That or a sea lion beached on the lawn. Hi, Corliss.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Hi, dad.

[Frank Bresee]

Hi, Mr. Archer.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

How is everybody?

[Frank Bresee]

Baffled, but still breathing.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Golly, Dexter, I thought you were mad at me.

[Frank Bresee]

You broke my heart. But it's too close to Christmas to carry a grudge. Besides, I'm out of the game. You've benched me, Corliss.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

I have?

[Frank Bresee]

I asked nothing of you. I hope you'll be happy with Jerry Allen.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

I ask nothing.

[Frank Bresee]

Except, well, maybe if you want to after you're married, you might call your first dog Dexter.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Well, I simply can't understand why you couldn't understand that. I understood. You wouldn't understand.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Huh?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Well, do you dance?

[Frank Bresee]

Does he what?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, you wouldn't understand.

[Frank Bresee]

Daddy Einstein wouldn't understand. What does it matter, Corliss? Well, here's your Christmas present from me. I hope you like it.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, you shouldn't have.

[Frank Bresee]

I wouldn't have.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

But I couldn't take it back.

[Frank Bresee]

They don't take back back scratchers. Can you blame them? And here's a poem I wrote to you before you broke my heart. Ah. Merry Christmas, Corliss Archer. I am simply nuts about you. Here's my present, darling. Witches to be used to scratch your itches.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, Dexter, that's practically Shakespeare.

[Frank Bresee]

I know. Well, I gotta go now, Corliss. Betty Cameron is waiting for me.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Betty Cameron?

[Frank Bresee]

Yes, she says she'll help mend my broken heart. Well, if I don't see you until after Christmas, you can just leave my present with my mom.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

You're going to take out that frizzed out blonde?

[Frank Bresee]

Yeah.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Dexter Franklin. She is a designing female.

[Frank Bresee]

I know. And what a design.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

That's bigamy.

[Frank Bresee]

It's bigamy too. I forgive you, Corliss.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, you're hateful, Dexter Franklin. I despise you. I'd never want to be seen with anybody who'd been seen with Betty Cameron.

[Frank Bresee]

Holy cow, Corliss. Betty isn't so bad, huh? That is, if you can tell a book by its cover.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

If Betty Cameron is a book, her index is scrambled, her appendix is in the wrong place and her binding is loose.

[Frank Bresee]

Gee whiz, I never noticed.

[Martha Nordland]

Out.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Out of my house. Out of my life. Holy cow. Carlos, get back your back.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Holy.

[Frank Bresee]

Go.

[Frank]

For the love of Pete.

[Frank Bresee]

Why can't children be born 40 years?

[Frank]

Thank you, janet. Waldo. Sam edwards and tyler mcveigh. And now, the most famous of all cowboy detectives. As the golden days of Christmas presents. Radio's original tomics. Curly Bradley.

[Frank Bresee]

The Tom Mix Ralston style straight shooters.

[Odoo Advertiser]

Are on the air.

[Frank Bresee]

And here comes Tom Mix, America's favorite cowboy. Come on, boy, Shredder for your breakfast. Start the day all shine and fry. Gives you lots of cowboy energy with a flavor that's just right. It's delicious and nutritious. Life size and ready to eat. Take a tip from Tongo and tell your monster at Boston King B. Winter comes fast and hard in the Western states. Yesterday the sun was bright and hard on the TM Bar ranch house. Last night, the first few snowflakes began dotting the air. And this gray morning, the snow is beginning to pile up towards the sills of the windows, yellow with their own light. Inside, the owner of the TM Bar, Tom Mix, is carrying a big box of Christmas decorations over to a table near the fireplace. Tom's permanent house guest, Sheriff Mike Shaw, is warming his shoes by the dancing fire, his hands clasped over his ample middle. Tom claps a hand on Mike's shoulder.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Careful there, old partner. He don't want to barbecue those boots in that fireplace.

[Frank Bresee]

Well, you never fear, Tom. Those cowhides are just warm and toasty. Sure, it's nice just sitting here quiet like for a change, with no worries to rile us, huh, Mike?

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

I'm afraid there's always worries for a U.S. marshal like me. And for you, Doby County Sheriff.

[Frank Bresee]

Well, you. You got something particular on your mind, Tom?

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

I know Christmas isn't time for it, Mike. Naturally, as her guardian, I want to make things as nice as possible for little Janie. Yet I've got a feeling, a hunch.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Here.

[Frank Bresee]

What is it, Tom? I know those hunters of yours. More than once you've had a hunch we should take cover just before some rustler's hot lad comes streaking our way.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Well, I can't put my finger on it, Mike. It's just that, well, I got a feeling somewhere between my kerchief and my gun belt that we're going to be busy this Christmas. Mighty busy, Tom.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Tom, I found these jingle bells out in the storage shed. Do you suppose we could get a chance to use them?

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Well, it could be, honey.

[Frank Bresee]

What, you mean you want Tom and me to decorate prime horse flesh like Tony and Redskin and go prancing down the lane with those bells on?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, no, Mike, of course not. I thought maybe we could get the sleigh out this year, save on holiday.

[Safeway/Albertsons Advertiser]

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[Odoo Advertiser]

Running a business is hard enough, so why make it harder? With a dozen different apps that don't talk to each other. One for sales, another for inventory, a separate one for accounting. Before you know it, you are drowning in software. Instead of growing your business, this is where Odoo comes in. Odoo is the only business software you'll ever need. It's an all in one, fully integrated platform that handles everything. CRM, accounting, inventory, E commerce, HR and more. No more app overload, no more juggling logins. Just one seamless system that makes work easier. And the best part, Odoo replaces multiple expensive platforms for a fraction of the cost. It's built to grow with your business, whether you are just starting out or already scaling up. Plus, it's easy to use, customizable, and designed to streamline every process so you can focus on what really matters running your business. Thousands of businesses have made the switch, so why not you try Odoo for [e-mail] that's o d o o dot com.

[Frank Bresee]

Snow's not been deep enough for that for several years.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Well, it looks like it'll get deep enough for the sleigh this year, Mike. We'll have to think about that a little bit later, Janie. Right now, I was just fixing to put up our decorations.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Can I help, Tom?

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Sure you can, Janie.

[Frank Bresee]

Hey, what's that out there in the porch?

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

It's a rider. Somebody's ridden a horse right up on the front porch of the ranch house. Naturally, we couldn't hear him coming through the snow. There was a door. Janie, open the door, please.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, of course, Tom.

[Frank Bresee]

You think this could be the trouble you were expecting, Tom?

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Well, we're about to find out.

[Safeway/Albertsons Advertiser]

Tom.

[Martha Nordland]

Tom makes. Thank the Lord you're here.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Why, it's Martha Nordland. Martha, what can we do for you? Jane, bring Martha over here by the fire.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, come on, Martha.

[Frank Bresee]

Tom, it sure looks like you're hunched with another bullseye.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Yeah, looks like it, Mike. It sure does, Martha. Can I get you a cup of coffee?

[Martha Nordland]

Oh, Tom, there's no time for that. It's Pete. My little boy, Pete. He's lost, Tom. He's somewhere out in all this snow and wind. Lost and Al.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Now now there you feeling better, Martha? Now you must tell me about it calmly and slowly. After the sake of your boy, Martha, you must.

[Martha Nordland]

I understand, Tom. I can do what has to be done. I've walked 20 miles. When the horse went lame some years ago, I fought up a mountain panther with my broom. But that was me. This is Pete.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Calmly, slowly, Martha.

[Martha Nordland]

Yes. Yes, I must. For Pete. Tom, you know how much Pete admires you. Looks up to you. He thinks the sun rises and sets on Tom Mix.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Well, Pete's in my Straight Shooters Club in Doby. We're partners.

[Martha Nordland]

Yes, you would look at it that way. He's just the same as the other boys to you. Just as good as any. But everybody isn't like you, Tom. You're a good man. But others can be mean, petty. Others don't like Pete because his father went to prison. In fact, they hate him.

[Frank Bresee]

My little boy.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

I find it hard to believe anybody could hate a fine young man like Pete. He certainly isn't responsible for anything Ned Norling done. But if there are such people, what does this have to do with Pete being missing?

[Martha Nordland]

Oh, it's all mixed up together. I was going to buy a new horse for Pete for his Christmas present. I was going to buy it from that new trainer in town. Sam Watkins.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Yeah.

[Martha Nordland]

Pete picked out a young sorrel. Looked like your Tony, Tom. A bit. I arranged for payments. It was all set. Then people told Sam Watkins about my husband going to prison. That he said our credit was no good. He wouldn't sell me the horse on time.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Well, we'll see if my money is good enough for M. Watkins. You can pay me back when you can, Martha.

[Martha Nordland]

Yes. Pete said you would say. Say that. That's what he said in the note. He was coming over here to the TM bar to see you. To get you to talk to Watkins. He wouldn't take my horse. He went on foot through this snowstorm.

[Frank Bresee]

Underation time, if he's out in this storm.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Yes, Mike, I know. Martha, you must have tried to follow.

[Martha Nordland]

Oh, I did, Tom. I followed his footprints as far as the stand of cottonwoods between our places. But the snow got deeper. The footprints, they disappeared. I could only make out the lights of your ranch house.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

And now the snow is swirling even harder. Now we've talked enough. I'm going out after him, Martha.

[Martha Nordland]

Oh, bless you, Tom.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, Tom, you can't go on foot. The two of you just get lost.

[Frank Bresee]

Yeah, Tom. And no horse could get through drifts.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

This here deep one horse can, Tony can. He took me Through Devil's Pass a few years back when the snow was this bad or nearly so.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, no, Tom. It's worse than that time. Much worse. You can't go. Not even Tony can make it.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Jane, listen to me. We can't just leave Pete out there in the storm. Not when he was counting on me. No man could do that. Or regardless of age, no straight shooter could do that. I've always taught you that it isn't just what we do for ourselves account. It's what we do for each other. Now, that's what I mean by being a straight shooter. And if Tony could know what's at stake, don't you think he would want us to try?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

You're right, Tom. You and Tony must find Pete. And I know you'll do it. If anybody on earth can do it, you and Tony will.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

All right. Come on, Tony. Why? Come on, son. We're almost at the stand of those cottonwoods.

[Frank Bresee]

That.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Little more, Pete. Pete's a smart boy. He'll seek shelter, Try to build a fire. Not likely. Could start a fire in this window. Sure is cold. Snow's like little ice daggers biting into your face. Well, can't mind that now. Come on, son. A little more. Come on, Tony. Up. Keep going. Oh. Easy, easy. Steady, Tony. Steady. We kind of hit a deep spot that time, and we're okay now. Not much use shouting into this wind for Pete. He might hear gunshots and recognize the signals. I'll try a few shots into the air. That's the standard signal in these parts for use and rescue parties. Pete knows that, Tony. There he is, coming toward us. But slow. Mighty slow. Let's get over there to him. Come on, Tony. Come on, boy. Come on, Tony. Pete. It's Tom Mix. Here I am. A little more, Tony. Come on. Come on. Wait a minute. I've got to, Pete. I've got you. I got you. He's passed out, Tony. No wonder. Got him just as he started to keel over. Gotta get him up on the saddle in front of me. Now a little more.

[Frank Bresee]

Now.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Now it's up to you, Tony. You got the hard part. You gotta get Pete and me back to the ranch house. But where is it, Tony? I'll turn around. I'. Well, I never thought it would happen to me. Tom makes lost. Well, pride goeth before a fall. I read in books how even old timers like Jim Bridger and Kit Carson could get lost at times. So I guess I'm no different. Gotta go in some direction. Can't stand still. What's your Feelings in this matter, Tony, you want to try that way? Okay, son. Okay. We'll go your way. Can't tell, but the direction of the wind. Seems to come from everywhere it wants. Oh, my ears are ringing. Eyes are all blurt with snow. I gotta hold on to Pete. Gotta hold on to Saddlehorn. Gotta hold on hearing things now funny things start to imagine. Things now start to imagine. No, by heaven, I'm not imagining it. It's Jingle Bells. It must be Mike and Jane back at the ranch house ringing the jingle bells to lead us in. Tony. The sound of bells carries even through this wind. What's that? What's a star? A star brighter than the rest of them. It's our Christmas tree star. Up on the roof, on the chimney. We can follow the bells and follow the star. We'll bring Pete home, Tony. We'll be home.

[Martha Nordland]

Pete's sleeping quietly, Tom. Doc Green said he should just rest. Then he'd be fine. Just fine. Oh, how can I thank you, Tom?

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Don't thank me, Martha. Thank Tony. Thank Jane and Mike for thinking of using the jingle bells in the Christmas Star to lead us in.

[Frank Bresee]

Well, it was Gene who thought of the Jingle Bells, Tom.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, but it was Mike who thought of climbing up on that icy roof. To put up the Christmas Star to lead you, Tom.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Well, thanks to both of you. Thoughtfulness and consideration for others is something we should all be thinking about this time of year. And all year, Something I'm going to talk about to Sam Watkins and certain other people in Adobe. Maybe even those folks can come to see the light.

[Frank Bresee]

Once again, we say goodbye to the tm bar ranch. Tom mix was played by curly bradley, sheriff mike shaw by tyler mcveigh, jane by rhoda williams and martha by viola vaughan. The script was by jim harmon. Marvin miller speaking.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

This is the mutual broadcasting system.

[Frank]

Thank you, Curly Bradley, Comics and Radio. And thanks to Jim Harmon for writing this special sketch. Curly, I understand you and Jim are now Preparing a special 50th anniversary series of the. Of the Tom X Ralston Straight Shooters radio program.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

That's right, Frank. Tom Mix rise again in 1983. We hope to be on more than 300 radio stations.

[Frank]

Well, I've been a Ralston Straight shooter and a fan of Curly Bradley for a long time. I know a lot of people like me are going to be delighted to hear about this. But tell me, Curly, you haven't been Tomics all those 50 years, have you?

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Oh, no, no. I first started singing the theme song on this show, Frank. 1936. And soon I was playing one of the leading roles. I graduated to the title role in 1944 and to a lot of people, I guess I've been Tom Mix ever since.

[Frank]

To me, Curly Bradley will always be Tom X.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

Well, thank you Frank. And remember, straight shooters always win.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Adios.

[Frank]

Thank you.

[Odoo Advertiser]

Running a business is hard enough, so why make it harder? With a dozen different apps that don't talk to each other, one for sales, another for inventory, a separate one for accounting. Before you know it, you are drowning in software Instead of growing your business, this is where Odoo comes in. Odoo is the only business software you'll ever need. It's an all in one fully integrated platform that handles everything CRM, accounting, inventory, E commerce, HR and more. No more app overload, no more juggling logins. Just one seamless system that work easier. And the best part? Odoo replaces multiple expensive platforms for a fraction of the cost. It's built to grow with your business whether you are just starting out or already scaling up. Plus, it's easy to use, customizable, and designed to streamline every process so you can focus on what really matters running your business. Thousands of businesses have made the switch, so why not you try Odoo for [e-mail] that's o d o o.com owning.

[Safeway/Albertsons Advertiser]

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[Frank]

There are certain people who simply won't admit that nature does anything right. They're the kind who spray green paint on pink carnations for St. Patrick's Day, clip poodle dogs to look like anemic lions, and try to turn perfectly good plowboys into half baked top sergeants. Here's one of those people now shopping for a Christmas tree. Here's one of Fibber McGee's closest friends. It's Willard Waterman as the Great Gildersleeve.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Red how much you charge me to paint this Christmas tree white?

[Frank Bresee]

Why do you want a white gilder's life.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

What do you mean, why do I want it white? Yeah, you got 100 trees in this lot all painted white.

[Frank Bresee]

Yeah, but I think they're horrible. But some people like them that way.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Never mind the artistic comment, fred. How much?

[Frank Bresee]

$10.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

$10?

[Frank Bresee]

Yes.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

To spray a little white paint on this half pint tree. Who do you think you are, Rembrandt? Look, maybe you didn't understand. I want this tree painted white, not gold plated.

[Frank Bresee]

10 bucks.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh, you're a pirate. I bet you made $200 already today.

[Frank Bresee]

And you're a cheapskate. And I've already made $340.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

You're a robbery. You want to sell half interest in the lot.

[Frank Bresee]

And you're stupid, too. And I wouldn't sell my mother a half interest.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

You're a little good. No, down continent. I wouldn't give you the time. Dirty swindler. Cheating people right and left, making 400 bucks a day. I know that. Report him to the Chamber of Commerce or make him a better offer for a half inch interest. Yeah, I don't. Oh, Hello, Alice.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Hi, Mr. Gildersleeve. Hey, say, where's Mr. McGee?

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh, he's away for a couple of days and I'm watching his house. What are you doing home from work at this hour?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, my fingernails. They get so cruddy on that job. And, boy, you look kind of mad, Mr. Gildersleeve. Something wrong?

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Yeah, well, that guy that runs a Christmas tree lot at 14th and Oak. Dirty pine broker. Only change 10 bucks to pay the a Christmas tree. White.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Jeepers. $10 just to paint a little old tree white. Artie took me out Saturday night with $10 and we painted the town red. For $10 plus tax, of course.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Yeah, of course.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

But you can stop worrying about a Christmas tree, Mr. Gildersleeve. Marvin's bringing me a great big white tree tomorrow.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Yo. Well, that's swell, Alice. Who's Marvin?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, Marvin's the lady wrestler whose boyfriend owns a tree farm and a paint shop out in the country's nephew.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

You. Well, I don't care being second cousin to a monkey's uncle, as long as I get a free Christmas tree. They're the best kind. But you still didn't tell me how come you're home from the plant early today, Alice, you didn't get fired?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, no, Mr. Gildersleeve. In fact, I got promoted today to head welder.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

You? Head welder?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

That's what the foreman said. He handed me his torch and he said, alice, you're the New head welder. And I said, wow. Gee, thanks. Whose head do I want to weld first? And then he grabbed his torch back and he told me to take the rest of the day off.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Yeah, wise move.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

So I came home to wrap some presents and.

[Frank Bresee]

Oh.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, this one's for you, Mr. Gildersleeve. I nearly forgot.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh, say, that's a beautiful package, Alice. You know, shouldn't have bought an expensive looking thing like that just for me.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, I didn't. Dr. Gamble left it for you.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh. Well, old fatso really popped this time.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Sure a pretty rap job, huh?

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Yeah. Anything done up as fancy as this must have caught Doc Gamble an appendectomy and three band aids. Although his price is two band aids might have paid for it. Let me get this tissue paper out of the way. Oh. Oh, look at that, Alice. Isn't that the most beautiful present you ever saw? Wow.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Creepers. Isn't that the most beautiful present?

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

It sure is. Knock your eyes out. I haven't seen so much chrome since what the silver service Aunt Sarah sent me last year turned out to be.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Look at all those round things on the bottom and. And all those little pointy things that look like daggers.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

That's right. This handle on the top of it. Or is that the side of it?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, search me.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Yeah, Think of the workmanship that went into this. Look how solid it's built, Alice. See? Inexpensive. You don't see these babies at the dime store.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

I've never seen one anywhere. What is it?

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Yeah, what is it? Why, it's one of those that you use it to. Well, it's a sort of a. I don't know.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh. Well, weren't there any directions or anything in the. In the package?

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

No, no, nothing at all. Oh, look at this thing. I don't know whether to cook with it, listen to it, or hang it in the shower. I don't know whether tune it in, turn it on, or toss it out.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Well, why don't you call Dr. Gamble and ask him?

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh, no, no, I can't do that. Alice, when a guy gives you a beautiful present like this, you hate to admit you haven't got the brains to know what it's for.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Well, boy, I wish I could help you figure this thing out, Mr. Gilderslee, but. But I've got some presents to take around.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh, yeah? Where are they? Up in your room?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

No, I left them right here in Mr. McGee's hall.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

No, no, no, Alice, don't open.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

No, no. Right here in Mr. McGee's hall table drawer. Oh, see you later, Mr. Gillsteak. Merry Christmas.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

That Doc Gamble, big, fat troublemaker give me a beautiful, thoughtful, expensive gift like this. He must have spent hours picking it out especially for me, not telling me what to do with it. Who's here right now? I'd tell him what to do with it, but he probably wouldn't do it. Maybe if I look at different sides of it. Let's see, if I set it this way, it looks like. No, no. Maybe this is the way it sits, with those pointed little dagger things on the side. If I hold it up this way and somebody jogged my arm, I'd have two holes in my leg. That could be right. Oh, dear. This is a rottenness thing Doc has done to me since he took my tonsils out in 1939. Only had one tonsil, he charged me for two. 30 bucks to take out one tonsil. Little bitty one at that. Yeah, I don't hold a grudge. I'll pay the 30 bucks one of these days. But, oh, if that's that old pill pusher up you come in. Well, if it ain't Mabel troops. Merry Christmas, my dear.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

And the same to you, Throckmorton. I just dropped over to thank Molly for the handkerchief she gave me. Oh, very pretty.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh, yeah. To say, my niece Marjorie said to thank you for the handkerchief you gave her. Came in handy yesterday when she got the sniffles.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

I'm glad she could use it.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Yeah, she was home right now. She'd give you a blow by blow to count of it. Don't you get it, Basil? It's a pun. Blow by blow, blowing your nose.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

That's not very funny, Mr. Gildersleeve.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Too subtle for you?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, well, my fiber and Molly must have made out like bandits this Christmas from the looks of all the packages under their tree.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh, yes, they did all right. By the way, how do you like this thing Doc Gamble gave me?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

From Doc Gamble, huh? I gave Mort one of those last year for his birthday.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh, good.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, the best looking salesman came to my door.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Never mind.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

He was selling those door to door. Oh, boy, was he a knockout. He looked like a cross between Burt Reynolds and Tom.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

All right, all right, let's start over. He gave one of these things to Mort. What did he do with it?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, he still has it.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

But I mean, what was it for?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

For his birthday, I told you.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

I know, but what's it good for?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

All I know is what that handsome salesman told me. And he said it was good for for years and years.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh, my goodness. Didn't he tell you what the stupid thing is?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

I forgot to ask. He was so good looking.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh, fine. There's got to be some way to figure what this is. Say, I bet it's some kind of newfangled gopher trap.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Now why would Doc Campbell give you a gopher trap? We don't have gophers around here.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

So what? You gave me Paris garters last year and we're 4,000 miles from France. I got kind of a vague feeling that I've seen one of these things before, but I can't remember when or where.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Or even if he didn't see Mortz. He got so disgusted trying to figure out what to do with it, he threw it in the garage, forgot it was there, backed the car over it and ruined a brand new $9 retread.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Well, I'm not giving up on this. There'll be somebody who knows what this thing is. They don't ring that doorbell. Pretty soon I'm gonna run out of ideas. Oh, good. Come in, come in. Well, merry latrivia. Merry Christmas. Thank you.

[Odoo Advertiser]

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[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

And merry Christmas to you, Throckmort Morton. And you too, Mrs. Tubes.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Merry Christmas, Mr. Mayor.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

I'm glad to see you, Mayor. I've got kind of a problem on my hand. We hail. Glad to help you. What seems to be your trouble? Well, it's this thing I got for Christmas. Trivia. What's it for?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

What's it for, he says.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

That's all, brother. Class dismissed. Forget it. Are you having a nice holiday, Mr. May?

[Frank Bresee]

Oh, splendid, thank you.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

I'm flying to England tomorrow night to attend a class reunion. My old school. School should be jolly. Yeah, jolly. Well, sounds jolly, all right. But England?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

I always thought you went to school in the East, Mr. Mayor.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

No, no, I was educated in England. Mrs. Tos graduated from Eton College.

[Frank Bresee]

Well, well.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

You mean the English have a special college where they teach you? Just that. You teach what?

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Eton. You said you graduated from an Eton college. I had no idea they specialize like that over there.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Well, I. I'm afraid you misunderstood me, Mrs. Dupes. You see, Eton College is a famous English school. Well, what'll they think of next? I heard of business college and barber college, but an Eton college?

[Frank Bresee]

I didn't say I attended an Eton College. I merely said I attended the Eton School. The one and only Eaton School.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

The only one I ever heard of. I know that.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Yeah, me too. What'd you measure in the trivia? How to carve at formal dinners? Or did you just go for the straight degree in lld? Doctor of Light Lunches. Now, just. Just a moment, please.

[Frank Bresee]

This confusion.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Oh, I'll bet you were a brilliant student, Mr. Mayor. Honor student. Proudly. How'd you graduate? Magna. Come and get it.

[Curly Bradley (Tom Mix)]

No.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Well, I'd sure like to see your diploma sometime. Hey, what's it look like? A cross knife and fork on a saucer of tea with a mutton chop. Rampant on a field of Yorkshire pudding. Oh, stop it.

[Frank Bresee]

Of all the stupid.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Now, now, now, Mr. Mayor, let's not get excited.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Watch your blood pressure, Mr. Mayor. Don't expect us to wash it for you. I'm sorry. Now, listen, please. I merely said that I attended Eton College in England.

[Frank Bresee]

E, T, O, N. Eton.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

E, T, O, N. That is the.

[Frank Bresee]

Name of the school.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

They don't teach eating there.

[Frank Bresee]

They.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

No, they don't teach spelling, either. E, T, O, N. Eton. You hear that many?

[Frank Bresee]

Yes.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

A college man, and he can't spell eatin.

[Frank Bresee]

I'm not trying to yell, Smeaton. They smell eatin and beaten. Smell eaten. Look, when I said I went to skeet and pool in Bingland, but be England, I didn't mean I skank the bull to earn delete. I went to school to burn my feet.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

It would turn to me to see.

[Frank Bresee]

He you were the ones who you. You're up, Morton.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Yes, Mr. Mayor.

[Frank Bresee]

You've often said you'd like a job in my office. There'll be an opening at the city hall tomorrow.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

And you are the man I'd like.

[Frank Bresee]

To put in it.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Well, swell. What do you call it?

[Frank Bresee]

The elevator shaft. Good day.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Wise guy. Just because he went to eat in school, he takes it on a lamb.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

Me too.

[Frank Bresee]

Bye.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh, bye. Fat lot of help I got on those two. Look at this silly looking hunk of confusion. Now, let me see this handle here. I guess it's a handle. Kind of an opal shaped metal hoop that looks like a handle. Although come to think of it, there's a thing in the kitchen with four metal loops like this. And it's an egg beater. Maybe they said. No, it can't be an egg beater. Too big. Unless of course you wanted to beat some ostrich eggs. Oh, interruptions, Interruption. Here. I certainly need interrupting. I get tired of talking to myself. But come in.

[Frank]

Hi, Gildy. Merry Christmas.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Oh, well, Merry Christmas to you too, Frank. Come in. Pull up a chair.

[Frank]

Don't mind if I do. You having a good Christmas?

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Well, yes, except for this gift from Doc Campbell. He gave me a thing that I don't know what the heck it is. I'm sick of looking at it too. It's going back in the box.

[Frank]

You don't know what it is. Mind if I see it?

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

No, no, no, no. Forget it. I'm sick of the darn thing.

[Frank]

Is it something mechanical? Are there any moving parts in it?

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

I haven't been able to find any. A few minutes ago I was turning it this way and that. All of a sudden a sharp pain went through me. Kind of a stabbing sensation.

[Frank]

You mean like electricity or something?

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

No, like somebody left her manicure scissors on the chair and I sat on them.

[Frank]

Let me see that thing, Gildy. I saw one of these somewhere. No, it was a pair of them on a guy's desk. Look, if you turn this thing this way, it looks like one half of a space shuttle.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Yeah, it does, sort of.

[Frank]

You need a pair of them. This is a bookend.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

Say, now you remember where I saw one of these before? McGee bought one last year from a door to door salesman and he didn't know what it was either. I think he put it right here in the hall closet.

[Frank Bresee]

No, no, don't open that door.

[Willard Waterman (Great Gildersleeve)]

It. Yeah, McGee's got to straighten out that closet one of these days. Oh, here it is, Frank. That isn't the lousiest looking pair of bookends. Yo. This is ridiculous. Merry Christmas, Frank.

[Frank]

This is Frank Bresee again reminding you that this special two hour Christmas program will continue following station identification in five minutes of the latest news from many American Forces Network stations around the world.

[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

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[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

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[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

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[Frank]

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[Frank Bresee]

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[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

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[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

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[Alice (Great Gildersleeve's niece)]

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