The Great Gildersleeve 41-11-30 014 The Canary Wont Sing

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

The Great Gildersleeve – “The Canary Won’t Sing” (Aired 1941-11-30)

Overview

This episode of “The Great Gildersleeve,” a beloved sitcom from radio’s golden age, centers on a comic household mystery: why won’t Gildersleeve’s new pet canary, Napoleon, sing? Through a string of misadventures—from raffle misunderstandings and pet store remedies to a chaotic night in the public library—Gildersleeve, Leroy, Marjorie, and Birdie bumble charmingly through their attempts to coax a tune from their feathery freeloader. The episode ultimately lands on a classic punchline about mistaken identity, revealing as much about human folly as pet problems.

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Key Discussion Points & Story Highlights

1. A Surprise Raffle Prize: "Napoleon the Canary"

• The episode opens with Marjorie, Leroy, and Uncle Gildersleeve (Harold Peary) returning from the movies, only to discover a birdcage and canary in their home.
• Birdie, the housekeeper, reveals that Gildersleeve won the canary, Napoleon, in a raffle conducted by the Daughters of Cleopatra Lodge (03:09).
  • Birdie: “This is the night the mysterious and bewildering order of the Daughters of Cleopatra hold their weekly business meeting and shag contest.” (03:24)

2. The Canary’s Silence and the First Suspicions

• Despite supposed guarantees, Napoleon won’t sing, causing both confusion and frustration for Gildersleeve.
  • Gildersleeve: “Now see here, Napoleon, you’ve been a free boarder around here for a week now and you haven’t sung once, not one single solitary… Stop eating a moment, Napoleon, and listen to me!” (05:23)
• Birdie tries to reassure him, saying the bird might be just acclimating.

3. Attempts at Solutions: Books, Advice, and … Chaos

• Suggestions about what could make the bird sing fly around, including returning Napoleon, trying pet store remedies, and researching canaries at the library.
  • Leroy: “Oh, you better try a pet store, Uncle Mort. Those aviaries are too busy these days with defense work.” (07:39)
  • At the library, Gildersleeve and Leroy find a list of canary foods (watercress, nasturtiums, dandelions) but accidentally cause a minor disaster when the lights go out and they knock a mountain of books from the shelves (09:10–10:39).
  • Comic moment: Mistaking the globe for Leroy’s head in the dark.
    • Gildersleeve: “Say, your head does feel funny. I can feel it going round and round.”
    • Leroy: “That’s not me, Uncle Mort. I’m over here.” (10:49–10:55)

4. Local News Trouble: The ‘Laurel and Hardy’ Mob

• The next morning, Marjorie reads a news article about "prowlers" who turned the library "topsy turvy." Detectives are searching for a “large fat man and his skinny little lieutenant”—a clear nod to Gildersleeve and Leroy (13:14–13:34).
  • Leroy (nervous): “Why, isn’t it warm in here?” (13:34)

5. Coaxing Napoleon: Baths, Singing, and More

• In desperation, the family decides maybe Napoleon needs a bath to cheer up (14:06).
• Chaos resumes when Napoleon escapes during the bathing attempt and flies out the window, leading to a slapstick outdoor chase involving an incredulous police officer (16:07–19:09).
  • Officer: “Now, look here, mister, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Napoleon’s been dead already for close to 120 years.”
  • Gildersleeve: “Oh, I didn’t mean that before. The Napoleon I’m looking for is a bird.” (19:03–19:09)

6. Expert Help at Last: The Pet Store & Bird Doctor

• The crew visits a pet store to buy every possible “song remedy,” from “Melody Restorer” to “Philharmonic Symphonic Tonic.”
  • Clerk: "If you put them all together, the Boyd will simply whistle you out—"
  • Marjorie (deadpan): “Of house and home.” (21:31)
• Advised to try singing to Napoleon, they all “sing like the birdies sing” (22:19).
• When remedies fail, they consult Dr. Roller, the bird specialist—who reveals a crucial fact:
  • Dr. Roller: “There are two separate and distinct kinds of canaries. The kind that sings is called the male. The kind that doesn’t sing is known as the female.” (26:40–26:58)
  • Gildersleeve: “And this Napoleon you have here isn’t a Napoleon at all.”
  • Dr. Roller: “He’s a Josephine.” (27:03)

7. Final Joke and Classic Fade-out

• The episode closes with Gildersleeve’s new plan for Birdie’s Christmas present—a sly callback to the canary’s true identity.
  • Marjorie: “What is it, Josephine?”
  • Gildersleeve: “Good night.” (29:04)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Gildersleeve on Movie Confusion:
  "Who was it that defeated Notre Dame in the newsreel? Tarzan or Popeye?" (02:25)

• Birdie, on Lodge Politics:
  “The drawing was done by the grand exhausted ruler of the pyramid. And it also just so happens that that happens to be me.” (04:04)

• Leroy’s wordplay:
  "He’s no stool pigeon." (08:08)

• On the remedies for canaries:
  “Philharmonic Symphonic Tonic for chronic lack of harmonics.” (21:13)

• Dr. Roller’s diagnosis:
  “The kind that sings is called the male. The kind that doesn’t sing is known as the female.” (26:58)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:09] Discovering the canary, Napoleon, was won in a raffle
• [05:23] Gildersleeve frustrated with Napoleon’s silence
• [07:39] Debating where to find advice for the canary
• [09:10–10:39] Chaos in the public library
• [13:14–13:34] “Laurel and Hardy mob” in the newspaper
• [16:07–19:09] Napoleon escapes; run-in with law enforcement
• [21:13] Bizarre bird remedies at the pet store
• [26:40–27:03] Dr. Roller identifies Napoleon as a female
• [29:04] Final inside joke (“Josephine. Good night.”)

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Tone and Style

The episode is filled with witty repartee, punning, and a mixture of slapstick and gentle satire, maintaining the warm, tongue-in-cheek humor characteristic of 1940s radio comedies. Gildersleeve’s flustered bluster, Birdie’s down-to-earth wisdom, and Leroy’s mischievous cleverness all shine.

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For Newcomers

This classic Gildersleeve episode delivers a master class in character-driven farce. Beyond the bird shenanigans, it’s an affectionate send-up of home life, small-town clubs, and the perennial quest to make things “just right.” With a memorable twist ending and a parade of signature jokes, it’s a delightful listen—whether for nostalgia or for newcomers seeking a taste of radio’s comedic heyday.

Transcript

[Jim Bannon]

Craft presents the Great Guilders League. Each week at this time, from Hollywood, California, Craft presents Harold Terry as the Great Gildersleeve. Written by Leonard L. Levinson. We'll hear from the Great Gildersleeve in just a moment. But first, even though winter doesn't officially begin till December 22, it's here right now for most of us. Yes. And on cold, blustery days, plenty of good, nourishing food is all important. I mean, food that supplies energy, food that produces body warmth, food that keeps us going despite the weather. Now, parquet margarine, the delicious vegetable margarine made by Kraft, is just such a food parquet. Margarine is one of the best sources of food energy you conserve. And that means it's tops in producing body warmth, too. And equally important, in wintertime, parquet is rich in vitamin A. Yes, every pound of parquet margarine contains 9,000 units of vitamin A. But parquet margarine isn't just good for you. It's mighty good tasting, too, whether you serve it at the table or use it for baking and pan frying. So for all these reasons, wholesome, economical parquet margarine deserves a place on your shopping list. Why not order a pound or two tomorrow? Just ask your food dealer for parquet. P A R K A Y. It's the margarine that's made by Craft. And now let's visit our friend, the great Guildersley.

[Leroy]

Certainly wore two swell movies.

[Marjorie]

Yes, thanks for taking us. Did you enjoy them?

[Harold Peary]

Well, Marjorie, I'll have to confess. I fell asleep in the middle of the first feature and woke up toward the end of the second one.

[Birdie]

You did?

[Harold Peary]

Yes, Leroy, those $0.65 seats are too darn comfortable. Tell me, did Betty Davis finally marry Hopalong Cassidy?

[Marjorie]

Uncle, they weren't even in the same picture.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, they weren't? Well, then he must have been singing to a blonde horse. Now I'm all confused. Who was it that defeated Notre Dame in the newsreel? Tarzan or Popeye?

[Leroy]

It was Charlie's aunt. And he wasn't in the newsreel. He's in the picture coming next week.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, that's the trouble with the movies. You can't sleep there in peace. What they need are more actresses like Betty Grable.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Harold Peary]

Now there's a girl with beautiful possibilities, potential. She'll get somewhere, that young lady.

[Marjorie]

Well, it's almost midnight, so we'd all better get.

[Leroy]

Why, look at that. A birdcage.

[Marjorie]

Yeah.

[Leroy]

Where did that come from?

[Harold Peary]

There's a canary inside.

[Marjorie]

Well, I Don't understand. If this wasn't here when we left, maybe Birdie brought it in.

[Harold Peary]

Yes, let's find out. Oh, birdie.

[Birdie]

Yes, Mr. Gillslee?

[Harold Peary]

Bertie, whose canary is this?

[Birdie]

It's yours, Mr. Gillslee.

[Harold Peary]

It is?

[Birdie]

Yes. So you just won Napoleon in a raft.

[Harold Peary]

Napoleon? I did? When did it happen? While I was asleep at the movies?

[Birdie]

No, sir, at my lodge. This is the night the mysterious and bewildering order of the Daughters of Cleopatra hold their weekly business meeting and shag contest.

[Leroy]

My uncle couldn't have been there. He was with us.

[Birdie]

Yes, well, your uncle bought a ticket on our big raffle.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, yes, now I remember. But I thought you said the drawing was for a beautiful big set of dishes.

[Birdie]

No, sir. The lodge is raising money to buy itself a set of dishes. But the prize they're giving away is at Canary Bird.

[Harold Peary]

Yeah, well, this is mighty nice to win on a 50 cent chance. First time I've won a prize since I wore my woolen underwear to that rumba contest. Uncle, I'd like to thank whoever it was that drew out the lucky number. Birdie.

[Birdie]

Well, it just so happens that the drawing was done by the grand exhausted ruler of the pyramid. And it also just so happens that that happens to be me.

[Marjorie]

Why, Birdie, of course it was just a coincidence, but did anybody say anything?

[Birdie]

No, ma', am, but the show was a lot of black looks.

[Harold Peary]

Yes, I guess they were.

[Leroy]

Say, this Napoleon's a pretty feisty little bird. Will he sing?

[Birdie]

Of course he will. Only the man we brought him from says that in two, three days he's got to get customized to his new surroundings. And after that, he'll sing just like this Eddie Nelson.

[Harold Peary]

Eddie Nelson. Oh, I see.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Harold Peary]

Well, it's time for all of us to get to bed. You better find a cloth someplace, Bertie, and drape Napoleon for the night.

[Birdie]

Oh, we don't have to do that, Mr. Gillslee. This is a special newfangled kind of cage. Look.

[Harold Peary]

Well, imagine that, a bird cage with venetian blinds.

[Birdie]

When the Daughters of Cleopatra do something, they don't mess around by halves. That reminds me of something I kind of hate to bring up.

[Harold Peary]

What's that, Birdie?

[Birdie]

Well, speaking of has, you never did pay me them 4 bits your over for that raffle ticket.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, yes. Now see here, Napoleon, you've been a free boarder around here for a week now and you haven't sung once, not one single solitary. Stop eating a moment, Napoleon, and listen to me. Oh, now I frightened you. What's the trouble, old man? Haven't I tried to be a pal to you, haven't I? By George. Look me in the eye when I'm talking to you. You got to do something around here to earn your keep. You think bird seed grows on trees? You better find your voice, little chum, or you'll find yourself directing, decorating somebody's hat.

[Birdie]

Hello, Mr. Gilsley.

[Harold Peary]

Hello.

[Birdie]

Is Napoleon worked itself into a vocalizing mood yet?

[Harold Peary]

Yeah, not yet. You know, birdie, I'm not one to look a gift bird in the bill. I'm afraid the cat's got this canary stone.

[Birdie]

No, sir. The cat was after this morning, but I chased him away.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, well, I don't know much about birds, but if I. If ever I saw a moody mudlark is this jaundiced little jaybird.

[Birdie]

You know, I can't understand it, Mr. Gillsleeve. This canary bird was not only guaranteed to sing, but the man said positively.

[Harold Peary]

Well, maybe we better take Napoleon back to the store and get the Duke of Wellington.

[Birdie]

Well, there was no store. No, you know, we bought that dicky bird off of a man that was selling him off the back of a truck.

[Harold Peary]

But if he guaranteed him, he. He must have some permanent address.

[Birdie]

Well, he said something about if everything wasn't completely satisfactory, to write him in care of the Canary Islands, Only he didn't say which island.

[Harold Peary]

Well, I suspect he was selling hot canaries, Only this one is not so hot.

[Marjorie]

Good evening, Uncle Moore.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, good evening.

[Marjorie]

Oh, is Napoleon still sulking?

[Harold Peary]

Well, I can't tell from the expression on his face. The only expression he's got. What do you think, Bertie?

[Birdie]

I don't know nothing about canary birds. The only birds I've ever associated with is chickens, and even then, only to the extent of southern frying them, you know.

[Harold Peary]

Yes, well, we may turn Napoleon into chicken a la king yet, folks.

[Leroy]

Is that dumb bird still dumb?

[Harold Peary]

Yes, Leroy. We better get some advice from an expert. I think I'll go to a pet store or an aviary.

[Leroy]

Oh, you better try a pet store, Uncle Mort. Those aviaries are too busy these days with defense work.

[Marjorie]

Oh, Deroy, an aviary isn't a place where they work on aviation.

[Harold Peary]

I know. It's a place where birds of a lot of different feathers all flock together.

[Leroy]

Say, Unc, why don't you come down to the library with me? I gotta take a book back, and you can find out a lot of things about canaries there.

[Harold Peary]

That's an excellent idea. The bird stores are probably all closed, and this way I can get the information I want tonight.

[Leroy]

Okay, but I can tell you one thing about that bird right now.

[Harold Peary]

What's that?

[Leroy]

He's no stool pigeon.

[Harold Peary]

What do you mean, Leroy?

[Leroy]

He won't stool sing.

[Harold Peary]

Here's the 88 cents for your fine, Leroy. The next time you want to use a dictionary, we'll buy one. Turn it in while I find where the canary literature is, will you?

[Leroy]

Here's the information desk. I'll be right back.

[Harold Peary]

Okay. Excuse me, young ladies.

[Marjorie]

Not so loud, please.

[Library Clerk]

Won't you step closer?

[Harold Peary]

Closer. Oh, I must come to the library. Oftener.

[Marjorie]

What can I do for you if.

[Harold Peary]

My canary refuses to sing?

[Marjorie]

What?

[Harold Peary]

My canary. My canary won't sing. And I wonder if you could help me.

[Library Clerk]

I'd be glad to, only I don't sing either.

[Harold Peary]

You don't, eh? I'll bet you. Have you got any books for a canary in that condition?

[Library Clerk]

Well, the music department has some volumes with bird calls.

[Harold Peary]

Well, I don't think that would do. You see, my canary can't read music.

[Marjorie]

Well, how about a book that you could read?

[Harold Peary]

Oh, that'd be splendid. Something that would tell me the cause and cureness of curtness or coyness and canaries.

[Library Clerk]

You'll find that under sea over there in the reference room. You'll have to hurry now.

[Marjorie]

We're closing in just a few minutes.

[Harold Peary]

Yeah, thanks, I will. Oh, Leroy. Leroy, come along with me.

[Leroy]

I'm coming. Holy. You better make it snappy, unc. It's almost 9 o'.

[Harold Peary]

Clock. Oh, it won't take me long. Is this the reference room?

[Leroy]

Yeah.

[Harold Peary]

Let's see. Somewhere along here the canopies. The canaries. The canaries. Oh, canaries. Ah, here's what we're looking for. Almost missed it. Native birds of the Bronx and how to get the most out of them. What to do till the bird doctor comes.

[Leroy]

You're getting warm, Unc.

[Harold Peary]

Yes, I know I am. Here, hold my overcoat, will you? 44 famous formulas for Feeding our Fine Feathered friends by F. McGee. Oh, that sounds like it.

[Leroy]

I don't think you'll have time to read much. Un.

[Harold Peary]

Here's what we're after. A list of different feeds to food. I mean, foods to feed Napoleon.

[Leroy]

You want to read them all, hunk, while I take them down?

[Harold Peary]

Oh, a splendid idea, young man. Ready?

[Pet Store Owner]

Sure.

[Leroy]

Go ahead. Shoot the junk to me.

[Marjorie]

Un.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Harold Peary]

Water crash.

[Leroy]

Water crash.

[Harold Peary]

Nasturtiums.

[Leroy]

Nasturtiums.

[Harold Peary]

Dandelions.

[Leroy]

Dandelions.

[Harold Peary]

Marigolds. If. What's happened to the lights?

[Leroy]

Gee, they put them out. It must be 9 o'. Clock.

[Harold Peary]

Come On, Leroy. Let's get out of here before they lock us in.

[Leroy]

Okay, but I'm sort of mixed up. Which way is out?

[Harold Peary]

I think it's right over here. Not that way, Leroy. Here, take my hand. Oh, an avalanche. Oh, my goodness.

[Leroy]

Oh.

[Harold Peary]

Leroy, where are you?

[Leroy]

Right here, under the book.

[Harold Peary]

So, are you hurt?

[Leroy]

See, my. My head feels funny.

[Harold Peary]

Say, your head does feel funny. I can feel it going around and around.

[Leroy]

That's not me, Uncle Mort. I'm over here.

[Harold Peary]

What am I touching then? Oh, it must be that globe of the world.

[Leroy]

Let's see if we can grope our way out into the other room.

[Harold Peary]

All right. Take my handyman. Oh, to think of it. Trapped in a public library at my age.

[Leroy]

Gee, everybody must be gone. How are we going to get out of here?

[Harold Peary]

Yeah, we'll find some door we can open, Leroy. Or else I'll locate a window big enough to crawl out of.

[Leroy]

Yeah, a bay window, if.

[Harold Peary]

Never mind, young man. I'll stay close to me so we won't get.

[Leroy]

Oh. Oh.

[Pet Store Owner]

Oh.

[Harold Peary]

Oh. Oh. Where are we now, Leroy?

[Leroy]

We're in the juvenile department now.

[Harold Peary]

Juvenile department? How do you know?

[Leroy]

The book's falling down and getting lighter.

[Marjorie]

Good morning, Uncle Moore. Good morning, Leroy.

[Harold Peary]

Good morning.

[Marjorie]

Why would you two look pale and tired? You shouldn't stay out so late nights. What kept you up so long?

[Leroy]

Well, it was like this.

[Harold Peary]

You better eat your breakfast, Leroy. Oh.

[Leroy]

Oh, yes.

[Marjorie]

Sadie, do you see the morning paper? There's a most mysterious story. Listen. Prowlers turn library topsy turvy.

[Harold Peary]

Excuse me. My coffee went down the wrong way. Quietly, boy. Let your sister read the morning paper. What else does it say, Marjorie?

[Marjorie]

Oh. Finding the door of the Summerfield Public Library open at 2am this morning, Patrolman Elmo Dunkle entered and discovered a scene of unparalleled confusion.

[Harold Peary]

Well, I wonder what that could have been.

[Leroy]

Gee, don't you know?

[Marjorie]

Thousands of books had been pushed from shelves and the floor was in some places four feet deep in volume.

[Harold Peary]

That's an awful lot. I mean, awfully high, isn't.

[Marjorie]

Was estimated by city librarian Helen Hunt. She shult.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, yes, Ms. Sh.

[Marjorie]

That the sorting and restacking of the books will require at least a week during which the library will be closed.

[Leroy]

Boy, it's a good thing we got out our books last night.

[Marjorie]

Shall I go on?

[Harold Peary]

Oh, yes, yes. Very interesting. Very interesting.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Marjorie]

Members of the detective squad who are investigating believe it to be the work of a gang known as the. The Laurel and Hardy mobs, led by a large fat man and his skinny little lieutenant.

[Leroy]

Why, isn't it warm in here?

[Marjorie]

The detectives discovered a clue in the form of a slip of paper reading watercress.

[Leroy]

Watercress.

[Marjorie]

Nasturtium Dandelion.

[Harold Peary]

Eat your dandelions, Leroy Oak.

[Leroy]

I'm really not terribly hungry.

[Marjorie]

Incidentally, weren't you two at the library last night?

[Various Supporting Voices]

Why, yes.

[Harold Peary]

Come to think of it, we were.

[Marjorie]

Yeah, I suppose you missed the fun.

[Harold Peary]

It was no fun. While we were there, we were looking for information about canaries.

[Marjorie]

Did you find anything?

[Harold Peary]

Oh, we stumbled across a few books. Say, maybe we should give Napoleon a bath, huh? Canaries are like people they like to see sing in the bathtub.

[Leroy]

Shall we put the cage under the shower?

[Harold Peary]

No, Leroy. Birdie, you fill a soup plate with some tepid water, eh?

[Birdie]

Yes, sir. And if it'll help, I'll put some of my personal bath salts in it. They got the loveliest fragrance called the Last Time I Saw Harlem.

[Harold Peary]

No, thanks, Bertie. We can't take any chances. Napoleon singing boogie woogie.

[Birdie]

That's what you say, Ms. Gil.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yeah, all right.

[Leroy]

Maybe all he needs is a good wash job.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Birdie]

Now, here he is. I hope that canary bird can swim better than he can sing.

[Harold Peary]

Yes, thanks, Bernie. And now, you folks just go on with your breakfast. I'll handle this thing all by myself. The last time I saw Harlem. Oh, good morning, Napoleon. Have a good night's rest?

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yeah.

[Harold Peary]

Now, I've got a nice bath all fixed up for you. That better make you sing, brother.

[Leroy]

Gee, uncle, what are we gonna do now?

[Harold Peary]

Give this bird a ducky?

[Leroy]

No, no. I mean about the police and the library and stuff.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, don't worry. Don't worry, Leroy. They're not looking for us. They're after a couple of fellows who look like Laurel and Hardy. Oh, my goodness. They are looking for us.

[Leroy]

You see what I mean?

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, let's not borrow trouble, Leroy. Let's forget the whole matter, huh? I'm afraid this plate is too big to get into your cage, Nappy, old chappie.

[Leroy]

Shall I get a smaller dish?

[Harold Peary]

No, we'll leave it here just outside the cage and open the door.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yeah.

[Harold Peary]

There you are.

[Leroy]

Well, come on out, Napoleon. Nobody's gonna bite you.

[Harold Peary]

Yeah, don't be bashful.

[Leroy]

Maybe you should prod him with your finger.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, that's an idea. Oh, he pecked me, the darn little dive bomber.

[Leroy]

I was afraid that it happened here. Now he's going out.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Harold Peary]

Come on, Napoleon, make a snappy. We haven't got all no Napoleon flying around the room. There's your Nice bath here. Look out.

[Leroy]

He's heading for a window.

[Harold Peary]

Window.

[Leroy]

Keep away, Uncle Mor.

[Harold Peary]

Shut the window. Go back, you ding dong devil. Oh, my goodness. He's gone.

[Leroy]

Yeah, he sure flew the coop.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, come on, Leroy, bring the cage. We got to catch Napoleon before he heads for Florida. I see him. Look, there he is on the branch of that tree.

[Leroy]

No, no, Unk, That's a yellow leaf.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, yes, I forgot. It's November. I could have sworn it was Napoleon.

[Leroy]

Say, don't look now, but what's that moving in the bushes?

[Harold Peary]

Where? Over there. By George, I think it's the bird. All right, come on. You head him off in the back, Leroy, and I'll sneak up on him from this side.

[Leroy]

Okay. Let me know if you catch it.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, there he goes into that scrub. Now, where did he disappear to? He must be somewhere in here. In Napoleon. Nice. Napoleon, be a good boy and come back to Uncle Throckmorton. Napoleon. Hello, there.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yeah.

[Harold Peary]

Hello. Hello, officer.

[Officer]

Excuse me, but what are you doing down there on your hands and knees, mister?

[Harold Peary]

Don't be stubborn, Napoleon. Jose, you're a new man on the beat, aren't you?

[Officer]

Yeah. What are you looking for in them bushes?

[Harold Peary]

Yeah, Here, Napoleon, come out of there. What's that, officer? Oh, I'm. I'm just looking for Napoleon. He's escaped.

[Officer]

Oh, I see. Aren't you a little late to look for Napoleon?

[Leroy]

Late?

[Harold Peary]

I hurried as fast as I could. He just flew out the window.

[Officer]

Oh, he flew out the window, huh?

[Harold Peary]

Naturally.

[Officer]

And did you fly out after him?

[Harold Peary]

Why, of course not. What do you think I've got wings?

[Officer]

I don't know.

[Harold Peary]

Have you? You can see that I haven't. Napoleon has, though.

[Officer]

Oh, Napoleon has wings, has he?

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Harold Peary]

I was just trying to make him take his bath, but I guess he didn't want to, so he zoomed right out of the house.

[Officer]

Well, didn't he wait to put on his clothes?

[Harold Peary]

Why should he? Napoleon never wears clothes. Here's Napoleon. Here, Napoleon.

[Officer]

He doesn't, huh?

[Harold Peary]

No, I'm afraid he'll catch cold in nothing but his feathers.

[Officer]

This is getting better by the minute. Say, are you sure you aren't Napoleon?

[Harold Peary]

No. See here, officer, don't you stand there making jokes. You want to be useful, come down here and help me find Napoleon. Here, nappy. Here, nappy.

[Officer]

Oh, fine.

[Harold Peary]

Huh?

[Officer]

Hey, look, how small is this Napoleon you're looking for?

[Harold Peary]

Oh, he can't be over four inches high.

[Officer]

Four inches high.

[Harold Peary]

Okay, then, three inches. I thought I just saw him.

[Officer]

Look, about how long have you been seeing this Napoleon?

[Harold Peary]

Oh, ever since I won him on a raffle.

[Officer]

You won him on a raffle?

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yeah.

[Officer]

Well, I have a report to fill out.

[Harold Peary]

Napoleon. You see, all this happened because Napoleon refuses to say sink. You think it's on account of being in a strange house?

[Officer]

I don't know.

[Harold Peary]

Do you live there?

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Officer]

Then it's a strange house. Now, look, mister, let's walk over to the station where it's nice and warm and quiet, instead of squatting in these bushes waiting for Napoleon to come marching out.

[Harold Peary]

Say, what's wrong with you?

[Officer]

What's wrong with me? Now, look here, mister, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but Napoleon's been dead already for close to 120 years.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, I didn't mean that before. The Napoleon I'm looking for is a bird.

[Officer]

Yeah, well, he must be a cuckoo. Now, look, are you coming along quietly or do I have to?

[Harold Peary]

Not a sound. There he is. Do you see him? Here? Napoleon.

[Officer]

Well, what do you know?

[Harold Peary]

It is a bird, of course. Leroy, head him off. Leroy, use your hand. Be careful you don't crush him.

[Leroy]

Nice birdie. Hop into your cage. There he goes in. Uncle Mort, I got him.

[Harold Peary]

You better take him in the house. Well, Officer, you satisfied?

[Officer]

Yeah, but it's lucky that canary showed up when he did.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Why?

[Officer]

Well, I. I was ready to run you in as one of them screwballs that busted into the public library last night. That have been pretty silly, wouldn't it?

[Harold Peary]

Yes, it would be. Oh, yeah. Just listen to that, children. They're beautiful, isn't it?

[Leroy]

He's showing the groove. All right, all right.

[Marjorie]

Oh, it's certainly worth a lot of trouble to get a bird to sing like that.

[Harold Peary]

You're right, Marjorie. Let's ask the clerk what kind of bird seeds he feeds this canary. And then buy some just like it for our Napoleon.

[Marjorie]

Oh, miss, will you feed some Here.

[Library Clerk]

What can I do for you? Please to meet you.

[Harold Peary]

If we have a canary and he refuses to sing, lady.

[Leroy]

Yeah, he won't give out with a jive.

[Marjorie]

He's not supposed to be a jitter bird.

[Library Clerk]

Yeah, and possibly the boy needs a change from diet. What have you been feeding him, if I am not too inquisitive?

[Harold Peary]

Oh, hell you're not. We tried everything the books recommended. Cuttlebone, watercress, bacon, vegetables, apples.

[Library Clerk]

Have you tried Boyd seed?

[Harold Peary]

Boyd? Of course. He's gotten so fat on seeds, he keeps falling off his perch.

[Library Clerk]

Well, for falling off the porch, we carry a special padded bottom.

[Harold Peary]

Yeah, what have you got for birds? Who won't sing?

[Library Clerk]

Well, we have a number remedies. Here's Marble's Verbo Gargle. Guaranteed to make the saddest canary a Pollyanna.

[Leroy]

That sounds good already.

[Library Clerk]

And you also might try our Melody Restorer and Thistle food. It's revived more songs than Bing Crosby. And this is a positivil sure Cure a bottle from Philharmonic Symphonic Tonic for chronic lack of harmonics. Which one would you care to try?

[Harold Peary]

Well, lady, we're in this thing so deep, we might as well go the whole hog.

[Library Clerk]

Please, not in here.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Oh, yeah.

[Harold Peary]

Well, we'll take all of them. Are you sure they'll work?

[Library Clerk]

Oh, any one of them would work. But if you put them all together, the Boyd will simply whistle you out.

[Marjorie]

Of house and home.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, well, that's all we need to do then, eh?

[Library Clerk]

Oh, yes. But just to be on the safe side, you might try singing to him.

[Leroy]

But the idea is to get him to sing to us.

[Marjorie]

That I understand.

[Library Clerk]

However, if you sing to him, it is only natural for him to show you how much better he can do.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, well, then we're all set. Three different kinds of medicine. And also singing. Now, we can't fail, can we?

[Library Clerk]

Oh, no, not a chance under the sun. But you might take along this card, just to be on the safe side.

[Harold Peary]

The card. What's this? Oh, doctor. DJ Roller bird position. If everything else fails, let me put your birds in the twitter.

[Pet Store Owner]

Let's all sing like the birdies sing.

[Marjorie]

Twee, twee, tweet, twee, twee Come on.

[Leroy]

Napoleon, sing like Bing. Twee, tweet, twee, tweet, twee if we warble and so can you Eight bars to the piece.

[Library Clerk]

Now, Napoleon, do or you'll meet Waterloo.

[Leroy]

Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.

[Harold Peary]

Well, come on, Napoleon, sink.

[Marjorie]

Oh, I guess it's no use, Uncle.

[Leroy]

Shall we try another song, Unc?

[Harold Peary]

What other song, Leroy?

[Leroy]

How about that old one? Just a bird in a gilder sleeve cage.

[Pet Store Owner]

Oh, brother.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Marjorie]

Say, uncle, are you sure none of those remedies we bought at the pet store will work?

[Harold Peary]

How can they? Napoleon keeps kicking him out of the cage. All except the gargle. He sits in that.

[Leroy]

What about that bird, Doctor? Why don't you try him?

[Harold Peary]

Say, I'd forgotten all about him. Dr. Roller.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Harold Peary]

I'll take Napoleon there. And if I won't bring him back singing, I won't bring him back, period.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Oh.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, excuse me. Is Dr. Roller in?

[Pet Store Owner]

Yes, we are waiting for him, too, Oui? Yes, me And Butch, see? Oh, Butch is a little Yorkshire cinnamon buff coffee. What kind have you?

[Harold Peary]

Oh, just a plain sawed off yellow sulker. Do you think a doctor will be long?

[Pet Store Owner]

Well, I don't think so. He's doing a plastic surgery operation.

[Harold Peary]

Is that so? Plastic surgery, eh?

[Pet Store Owner]

Yes, it's a nose straightening job. A parrot.

[Harold Peary]

Well, I don't think I'll stay. That'll take all week.

[Pet Store Owner]

Oh, no, you may have our place. We're in no hurry.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, well, I don't know. I'm just about ready to give up canaries altogether.

[Pet Store Owner]

Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you. Perhaps you don't realize all the joys and fun of owning a lovely little feathered companion.

[Harold Peary]

Do you have fun out of Butch?

[Pet Store Owner]

Oodle is. And I'll be very sorry to part with him tomorrow too.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, is something coming between you?

[Pet Store Owner]

Oh, yes. My mother in law, she's coming back, you'll say. A butcher's really hers, you'll say. Only she doesn't call him butch. She calls him a fluffy ruffle.

[Harold Peary]

Well, that's too bad about her coming back.

[Pet Store Owner]

Oh, yes, and just when I had him trained so nicely.

[Harold Peary]

Trained?

[Pet Store Owner]

Yes, a butcher, say, is a fighting canary.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, yeah.

[Pet Store Owner]

Now, don't say a word of this to my mother in law. But butchers kick the living dye lights out of half the canaries on the north side of town.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, well, I never knew people matched canaries in battles.

[Pet Store Owner]

Oh, yes, yes, indeed. Especially lonesome men that people leave canaries with when they go away someplace. It's a lot better than just sitting at home and listening to the darn thing singing.

[Harold Peary]

You know, I agree with you, but why are you bringing him in here?

[Pet Store Owner]

Well, sir, before my mother in law gets home, I'm having the doctor do a little work on him. You see, likely he's developed something of a cauliflower. A beak.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, I think I understand.

[Dr. Roller]

Patient, please.

[Pet Store Owner]

Go ahead, sir.

[Harold Peary]

Thank you very much. Well, here we are, doctor.

[Dr. Roller]

Just bring the cage in here.

[Harold Peary]

Thank you.

[Dr. Roller]

Oh, that's a nice bird you have there. What seems to be the trouble?

[Harold Peary]

Well, doctor, it's something like this.

[Dr. Roller]

Oh, excuse me. There's a five dollar consultation fee in advance.

[Harold Peary]

Oh, well, isn't that a lot for such a little bird, mister, the smaller.

[Dr. Roller]

The patient, the more difficult to treat. Yes, hummingbirds are $15 and ostriches are.

[Harold Peary]

A dollar and a quarter. Oh, I see your point. Harder to hold. Well, here you are. Thanks.

[Dr. Roller]

Now, once again, watch the seems to be the trouble.

[Harold Peary]

Well, it's very simple. This bird, our Napoleon, doesn't sing.

[Dr. Roller]

Well, that's a common affliction, especially in this particular species of bird. Yes, of course. Turn the cage around. Thank you. No question about it. That's it, all right. Knew it the minute I saw it.

[Harold Peary]

Well, for goodness sakes, tell me. What is it, Mister, as you should.

[Dr. Roller]

Know and apparently don't, there are two separate and distinct kinds of canaries.

[Harold Peary]

There are?

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Dr. Roller]

The one kind, happy, gay, carefree, singing practically all the time.

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yeah.

[Dr. Roller]

Then the other kind, sad, always worrying, busy and distracted. Hardly ever letting out a peep.

[Harold Peary]

Well, this is all news to me. What are the names of these two different kinds of canaries?

[Dr. Roller]

The kind that sings is called the male. The kind that doesn't sing is known as the female.

[Harold Peary]

Is that so?

[Various Supporting Voices]

Yes.

[Dr. Roller]

And this Napoleon you have here isn't a Napoleon at all.

[Harold Peary]

He's a Josephine. Oh.

[Leroy]

Woo.

[Jim Bannon]

The Great Gilder Sleeve will be with us again in a few minutes. But right now, let me ask you housewives a question. What is it that makes the difference between the meals prepared by a good cook and just an ordinary one? Well, in this man's opinion, it's flavorful. Yes. It's that appetite satisfying, extra flavor that good cooks give to the dishes they serve. That's why so many good cooks are using delicious parquet margarine made by Kraft. They've discovered, you see this important point, that because parquet is so delicious for table use, it adds flavor in cooking, too. The extra flavor that makes the difference between a good and an ordinary cook. Yes. Parquet margarine is a genuine flavor shortening for baking, not a bland, tasteless fat. Parquet is a delicious seasoning for hot vegetables, too. And because parquet tastes so good itself, it makes pan fried foods taste better. And it doesn't spatter or stick to the pan. Now, just because you'll be proud to serve parquet margarine at the table, don't think it's extravagant to use all you want in cooking. It isn't. Even though parquet is wholesome, nourishing and perfectly delicious, it's so economical you'll be pleasantly surprised. So join the good cooks using parquet margarine and buy a pound or two tomorrow. Remember, it's parquet. P A R K A Y.

[Harold Peary]

Oh.

[Marjorie]

Dear, this Christmas list is getting me down. Cigars for Judge Hooker, a necktie for the mailman, and then for Birdie. Let's see.

[Birdie]

Uncle Mor.

[Harold Peary]

What is it? Marjorie?

[Marjorie]

Have you thought of anything to give Birdie for Christmas?

[Harold Peary]

Oh, yes, you bet.

[Various Supporting Voices]

I have.

[Marjorie]

Good.

[Harold Peary]

What is it, Josephine? Good night.

[Jim Bannon]

Original music heard on this program was composed and conducted by William Randolph. This is Jim Bannon speaking for the Kraft Cheese Company and inviting you to be with us again next week at this same time. For the further adventures of the great Guilders League. This is the National Broadcasting Company.