The Jack Kirkwood Show xx-xx-xx House Painter

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Jack Kirkwood Show – "House Painter"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: October 15, 2025
Main Theme:
This episode of the Jack Kirkwood Show serves as a comedic slice-of-life sketch radio program from the Golden Age of Radio, featuring Jack Kirkwood and cast in a series of gags revolving around picnics, body image jokes, and culminating in a madcap story about house painters and their ineptitude.

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Key Discussion Points & Storylines

1. Opening Banter: Weight Jokes and Sharp Wit

• Jack Kirkwood is introduced with a jab about his "mind over matter"…or lack thereof. The quick-fire banter with Steve D and Lily Lee is classic radio comedy, filled with wordplay and running gags about Jack's weight (“Instead of buying belts, I tuck my pants in between the second and third rolls.” [01:42]).
• Rapid exchanges about Jack’s physique and picnicking disasters, featuring playful put-downs and groan-worthy puns.

Notable Quotes:

• Jack Kirkwood: "If women can wear pleated skirts, I guess I can wear a pleated stomach." [02:19]
• Lily Lee: "Oh, Jack, you make me mad."
  Jack: "You make me nervous. You make the sandwich and I’ll bring the beer." [02:30]

2. Picnic Memories and Food-Based Baseball

• Humorous tales of failed picnics: ants stealing food, soda, and the punchline of hiding a bottle opener from the ants.
• The absurdity crescendos in a story about impromptu baseball with salami as a bat and a matzo ball as a ball—each part of the edible “equipment” disappearing bite by bite ([03:24]–[03:58]).

Notable Quotes:

• Jack Kirkwood: "Every batter would take a bite out. In the last half of the ninth inning, I went to bat with a string in my hand." [03:39]
• Lily Lee: "Did you get a hit?"
  Jack: "No, I got gas. It hit me right in the mouth and I swallowed." [03:59]

3. Romance and Playful Insults

• Another routine in which Jack jokes about his interest in women, stretching the boundaries of age-appropriate crushes for comedic effect.
• Lily asks who he dated; Jack delivers a classic rimshot: "She’s pretty—in a way. Well, if someone’s standing in the way and you can’t see her, she’s pretty." [04:52]

4. News Parody: The Mad House News – "House Painter" Segment

[06:00–14:40]

• Transition to a satirical radio news bulletin about the house painting trade, introducing absurd characters:
  • The town’s "only house painter," J.J. Kirkwood, who is hilariously unfit for the job—so sloppy he "mixed the wrong color" and ended up wearing more paint than he used ([07:03]).
  • Gags include a painter who wears out shoes painting a house trailer, as he chases it all the way to Chicago ([08:17]).
• Paint Fiascos:
  • Lily’s character struggles to mix paint—literally stuck inside the bucket trying to stir it ([09:08]).
  • Mrs. Grumple requests urgent house painting service before her party, leading to boasts of painting the Empire State Building "in two hours"—the explanation: "Easy. I stood on a box." [10:44–10:52]

Notable Quotes:

• Jack Kirkwood (as J.J. Kirkwood): "We’ll paint your house a nifty blue. If you’ve got termites, we’ll paint them too!" [09:41]
• Hilarious mix-up:
  Caller: “How do you make paint thinner?”
  Jack: “Well, first you take a quart of turpentine.”
  Caller: “Won’t that kill him?”
  Jack: “Who’s him?”
  Caller: “My horse. His name is Paint and he’s getting too fat for the saddle!” [09:48]

5. The Big Paint Job Gone Wrong

• The crew arrives at Mrs. Grumple's to find her wanting impossible speed and perfection for her party. Banter about the speed required and previous painting trouble—like hunting for “a light shade of black paint” ([11:49]).
• Chaos ensues: the painters claim to have spent their time painting a Davenport…in Iowa! [13:41]
• When asked for a fast job, Jack (as painter) quickly covers everything—furniture, drapes, even the guests—with paint in a wild slapstick finale ([14:10]).
• Mrs. Grumple is finally pushed to threaten Jack with a (joke) gun—ending in comic peril:
  Mrs. Grumple: “No jury will ever convict me either!” [14:25]

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On body image:
  "Jack has so many wrinkles... when he walks across the room, he screws himself into the floor." ([02:09] - Lily Lee)
• On workplace confusion:
  "Once I get started, there’s no stopping me. Say, how did Ms. Albert like that job I did on that Chinese modern chair in her kitchen?"
  "She’s pretty mad about it...Her Chinese cook was sitting on it when you painted it." ([09:35])
• On the chaos of house painting:
  "The rods, the drapes, and even my guests are covered in—" ([14:10] - Mrs. Grumple) "I told you, once I got started, nothing would stop me." ([14:17] - Jack Kirkwood)

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Structure & Timestamps

• [01:14–02:51]: Opening monologue, banter, and running gags about Jack’s size.
• [02:50–05:02]: Picnic and baseball stories, romantic misadventures.
• [06:00–08:58]: Introduction to the madhouse news and the Paintfields, VT, investigation.
• [09:00–14:25]: The house painting service farce—absurd job requests, mixing paint mishaps, painted pets, and Mrs. Grumple’s disaster party.
• [14:25–14:42]: Comic climax as Mrs. Grumple threatens revenge for her painted party.

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Tone & Style

• Quick-witted, pun-heavy, and filled with vaudevillian energy.
• Exchanges are playful, lightning-fast, and loaded with absurd humor and wordplay typical of early radio sketch comedy.

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Useful Takeaway

This episode is a time-capsule of classic radio humor: slapstick, self-deprecating jokes, wordplay, and escalating chaos. No real narrative outcome is needed—the fun is in the journey, the gags, and the delightfully off-kilter cast of characters. Excellent for fans of vintage radio and zany, character-driven comedy.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

The Jack Kirkwood, Y', all, Nobody go to sleep while this Yoda following program as parts are recorded will be heard in Canada by Short Wave in Alaska and the Hawaiian islands by our armed forces is n theaters of operation in the open western states of the usa. It's the Jack Kirkwood Show.

[C]

Hey, you.

[B]

Are you listening? Well, ladies and gentlemen, you all heard of the man who put mind over matter. Here's a man who couldn't get over what was the matter with his mind. Jack Her. Thank you, Steve D. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Steve, thank you for that steamy introduction. Please don't start the afternoon by telling people how fat I am. Why, every day I do something about my weight. What do you do? I eat like a hog. Actually, I like being fat. It saves me money. Now, wait a minute. How could being fat possibly save you money? Instead of buying belts, I tuck my pants in between the second and third rolls.

[C]

Yeah, Jack. Jack has so many wrinkles on his body that when he walks across the room, he screws himself into the floor.

[B]

Well, Lily Lee, don't knock my figure. Lil. If women can wear pleated skirts, I guess I can wear a pleated stomach. You're smart. No, I'm Kirkwood. Silly is the guy who punched me in the stomach because he always wanted to hit the jackpot.

[C]

Oh, Jack, you make me mad.

[B]

You make me nervous. You make the sandwich and I'll bring the beer.

[C]

Oh, are we going on a picnic? I love picnics.

[B]

Every time I go on a picnic, I get niching to go home. Nerves. Ants. Last time I went on a picnic, someone put the lunch and all the soft drinks right over an ant hill. Those ants carried off everything.

[C]

Soda pop, too?

[B]

Yep. But we had our revenge.

[C]

How?

[B]

We hid the bottle opener. Wait a minute. What an imagination.

[C]

What a story.

[B]

What a time those ants had biting off those bottle caps. Did you actually see those ants biting off the bottle caps? No, I didn't.

[C]

Then how do you know they did?

[B]

My grocery man told me. Your grocery man? Yeah, the ants told him about it when they Brought back the empties.

[C]

Anytime you tell a story about empties, I know you made it up out of your own I.

[B]

Now, aren't you sorry you said that? Actually, I love picnics. What times we used to have, we always wound up the day with a big baseball game. Oh, did someone in the group always bring a baseball in the bat? We never had a baseball in the bat. Well, how'd you play baseball? We had a hard salami and a matzo ball that didn't work too well either. You know, as the game wore on, the salami kept getting shorter and shorter. Every batter would take a bite out. In the last half of the ninth inning, I went to bat with a string in my hand and the picture wound up and threw the mozzarella ball right at me.

[C]

Did you get a hit?

[B]

No, I got gas. It hit me right in the mouth and I swallowed.

[C]

No. Last time I was on a picnic, my boyfriend took me for a ride in a canoe.

[B]

Oh, I used to do that. I used. I. But not anymore. The canoe tipped over once and I. Was I ever insulted while I was in the water? How do you mean? Cracks about my physique. Instead of yelling, man overboard, they yell, thar she blows. Now I ask you, do I look like a whale? Don't answer that. That's what I call a low cracker. Low crack. How's Mrs. Crack? Well, we split up. We're getting back together again because she wants lots of children. I hope you'll be happy living with a house full of crack.

[C]

Do you like children? Do you like children, Jack?

[B]

I love children. Especially little girls between the ages of 21 and 50.

[C]

You're nothing but a wolf. What girl did you go out with last night?

[B]

Oh, some gal named Christiana Fearn.

[C]

Is she pretty?

[B]

In a way.

[C]

What do you mean, she's pretty in a way?

[B]

Well, if somebody's standing in a way and you can't see her, she's pretty. Oh, now you've insulted her.

[C]

You've criticized her.

[B]

You've never seen her.

[C]

What does she look like, Jack?

[B]

Oh, kind of pert. She has a very small nose. Her nose is so tiny that when I first met her, I thought she was breathing through a wart. Well, if you ask me, she sounds ravishing. Ravishing? Ravishing. Ravishing. IG ravishing. And so we leave the enchanting little island of Hobo on the box car and head our sturdy little crab into the lagoon. As we cross the lagoon, we become aware of the many sharks who approach our boat with Baskets and hand begging food, preferably arms and legs as we attempt to leave the sharks behind by setting our sails to the windward, drifting across the lagoon down to the soft chant of the natives as they bid us fond farewell. Sam. Yes, sir. Here we are right at the Mad House News. And today the Madhouse News is on the air with a big story on house painting. And here's your news commentator, Phineas. She gave me the brush off deadline. Shoot the color to me Muller. Sorry folks. I'll be back in a wink with some sky. Sky blue pink. St. Peter Vermont News Prize the lid off house painting. Come on, Peter. How do you folks now the spring is well on its way. People are beginning to fix up their houses with new paint. Roofs, shrubs. Know what that guy wanted to charge me yet? Twelve hundred dollars. No kisses. Yes, sir. Well, sir, we decided to check up on this house painting business. So we sent our Styrofoger to the little town of Paintfields, Vermont and see what he can find out. Gotta do a character. May I? Reportedly hid behind a can of old lacquer and heard the following conversation. The town's only house painter was an old duffer by the name of J.J. kirkwood. And he sure was a sloppy old he. He always had a hangover mixed the wrong color. He splash paint all he looked like. Oh my. Take it away, Rembrandt. Hello, Gregwood. Hot painting s. We'll paint your house from bottom to top, including your aunt, your uncle, your mom and your pop over. Hey, Kirkwood. I just finished that house you sent me to paint. But I. But I wore out a pair of shoes painting it. How do you wear out a pair of shoes painting a house white? It was a house trailer. I painted it all the way to Chicago. Now get back here. Oh, Ms. Lee. Ms. Lee, where are you?

[C]

I'm mixing up this bucket of paint.

[B]

Well, be careful not to spill any of it.

[C]

Don't worry, I've got the lid on.

[B]

Well, that's all. How can you make a bucket of paint with the lid on if you're.

[C]

Inside the pocket like I am?

[B]

Well, flip your lid and get out of here. Were any calls from me while I was out?

[C]

Yes, Mrs. Grumple called Scrumple. She wants you to paint. She wants you to paint the interior of her house this afternoon. She said that if you don't think you can do it before five, not to bother. She must have heard how slow you are.

[B]

Slow? Why, once I get started, there's no stopping me. Say, how did Ms. Albert like that Job I did on that Chinese modern chair in her kitchen.

[C]

She's pretty mad about it.

[B]

Mad about it?

[C]

Yes. Her Chinese cook was sitting on it when you painted it.

[B]

No, I thought that was kind of strange upholstery at the time. Hello. Kirkwood House Painting Service. We'll paint your house a nifty blue. If you've got termites, we'll paint them too over same. Can you tell me how to make paint thinner? Yeah. Well, first you take a quart of turpentine. Turpentine? Won't that kill him? Who's him? My horse. What's a horse got to do with this? Well, his name is Paint and he's getting too fat for the saddle. And I want to know how to make paint thinner. Come on back and do another picture. Judy, come and get him. Here I am, Mrs. Grumple.

[C]

Here I am, Mrs. Grandpa.

[B]

How do you do, Mrs. Grumple? I am. You look the part, too. What can I do for you?

[C]

Well, I'm having guests in tonight. I want to know if you can have my house painted in time.

[B]

Of course, Mrs. Crumple. Of course.

[C]

Are you sure you can get it done on time?

[B]

I can't do it.

[C]

I've heard you're rather slow.

[B]

Don't you worry, Mrs. Crumple. Once I get started, there's no stopping me. I'm really a fast painter.

[C]

You are?

[B]

I painted the whole Empire State Building in two hours.

[C]

In two hours? However did you manage to paint all of it in that short time?

[B]

Easy. I stood on a box. Don't you worry, Mr. Scramble. I'll have your house all faced in time for the party.

[C]

Thank you. Goodbye.

[B]

Goodbye, Mrs. Crumple. Rumple, you old man. Hey, Ms. Lee, when Doug gets back from Chicago, tell him he have a job to do. He should be here any minute.

[C]

But he just called from Chicago a little while ago. Is he going to fly back?

[B]

No, he'll walk.

[C]

Well, how could he possibly walk from Chicago in 10 minutes?

[B]

Takes big steps. Hiya, boys. What took you so long? Well, you know how the speed limit are in those small towns. Well, now that you're here, we got a job to do out of Mrs. Scrumples. Oh, no. Yes. Yes. No, no. Not Mrs. Scrumple. Remember the trouble she caused us last time?

[C]

What kind of trouble, Mr. Kirkwood?

[B]

Oh, she had us sit around for a week while she went to every paint store in Landy Coat looking for a light shade of black paint. Come on, Don, let's get out there right now. We're Here already. I see what you mean about those small town speed limits. Sure do eat up the time, don't you? Well, let's go in. You. Mrs. Sputtle. Where are you?

[C]

Where are you?

[B]

Where are you? Rather large for a reception hall, isn't it? Boy, this sure is a big house. Yeah. Kind of goofy too. Yeah. Look at. Look at. Look at the price list on the wall. Price list? Yeah. That's a secret. Oh, that's. That's no price list. Not a price list at all. That's a bus schedule. Bus schedule? Well, what would buses be doing in here? Does that answer your question? Oh.

[C]

Now, Ms. Kirkwood, I want you to start in this room. And remember, I want everything done by five o'.

[B]

Clock. Okay. Doctor. Having that break? Let's get to work.

[C]

Ms. Kirkwood.

[B]

Yes?

[C]

It's almost five o'.

[B]

Clock.

[C]

Are you nearly finished? Oh, why, you hardly painted anything. What have you been doing all this time?

[B]

What do you think, Mrs. Rumble? We've been busy. Painting a davenport.

[C]

The davenport in the den?

[B]

No, the one in Iowa.

[C]

Mr. Kirkwood, most of the guests are already here. What shall I do?

[B]

Oh, you want a fast job? Why didn't you say so? Stand back. Here goes. Hey. IV scribble.

[C]

All fitting, Ms. G.W. you painted over everything. The rods, the drapes, and even my guests are covered in.

[B]

I told you, once I got started, nothing would stop me.

[C]

Well, I'll stop you right now.

[B]

Hey, put on that gun. Help.

[C]

And no jury will ever convict me either.

[B]

Oh, Jack, it's about time. H. So it is.

[C]

So long, gang. See you tomorrow.

[B]

Everybody, this is the United States Armed Forces Radio Service. Sam.

[C]

SA.