The Jack Kirkwood Show xx-xx-xx House Painter

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio Episode: The Jack Kirkwood Show xx-xx-xx House Painter
Release Date: June 10, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio," listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio with "The Jack Kirkwood Show," a classic comedic skit featuring the hapless house painter, Jack Kirkwood. Hosted by Harold's Old Time Radio, the episode captures the essence of family entertainment from a bygone era, complete with humorous dialogues, memorable characters, and witty banter.

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Main Segments

Opening Banter and Character Introductions (00:55 - 03:00)

The show kicks off with a lively introduction by Steve, setting the stage for the comedic antics to follow. Jack Kirkwood immediately engages the audience with self-deprecating humor about his weight:

• Jack Kirkwood (01:43): "Please don't start the afternoon by telling people how fat I am. Why, every day I do something about my weight. What do you do? I eat like a hog."

His interaction with co-hosts Steve and Lily establishes a playful dynamic, laying the groundwork for the ensuing comedy.

Picnic Misadventures (02:36 - 05:02)

Jack recounts his unfortunate experiences with picnics, highlighting his clumsiness and the inevitable chaos that follows:

• Jack Kirkwood (02:38): "But every time I go on a picnic, I get itching to go home. Nerves. Ants. Last time I went on a picnic, someone put the lunch and all the soft drinks right over an ant hill. Those ants carried off everything."

Lily skeptically questions the authenticity of his stories, adding layers to the humor:

• Lily (03:19): "Anytime you tell a story about empties, I know you made it up out of your own head."

Baseball Game Fiasco (03:33 - 05:16)

The conversation shifts to a bizarre recounting of a makeshift baseball game involving unconventional equipment:

• Jack Kirkwood (03:37): "We had a hard salami and a matzo ball that didn't work too well either. You know, as the game wore on, the salami kept getting shorter and shorter."

Steve interjects with disbelief, leading to Jack’s exaggerated tale:

• Jack Kirkwood (04:00): "No, I got gas. It hit me right in the mouth and I swallowed."

Canoeing Calamities (05:04 - 07:08)

Jack continues his series of misadventures, this time with canoeing mishaps and unwelcome insults:

• Jack Kirkwood (05:04): "Was I ever insulted while I was in the water? Cracks about my physique. Instead of yelling 'man overboard,' the yell was 'There she blows.'"

This segment further showcases Jack's knack for turning everyday activities into comedic disasters.

House Painting Antics (07:08 - 14:45)

The centerpiece of the episode is Jack Kirkwood's ill-fated house painting business. The segment begins with a mock news report:

• Steve (07:08): "And today the Madhouse News is on the air with a big story on house painting."

Jack introduces his house painting service with his trademark humor:

• Jack Kirkwood (07:42): "Hello, Kirkwood House Painting Service. We'll paint your house from bottom to top, including your aunt, your uncle, your mom and your pop over."

As the skit unfolds, Jack's incompetence becomes evident through a series of humorous interactions with clients and his assistant, Lily:

• Lily (09:17): "Ms. Scrumple called. She wants you to paint the interior of her house this afternoon. She said that if you don't think you can do it before five, not to bother."

Despite assurances to the contrary, Jack's overconfidence leads to chaos:

• Jack Kirkwood (10:37): "Once I get started, there's no stopping me. I'm really a fast painter."
• Lily (11:02): "Well, you hardly painted anything. What have you been doing all this time?"

The climax occurs when Jack attempts to complete the painting job in a hurry, resulting in a humorous disaster:

• Lily (14:10): "Mr. Kirkwood, most of the guests are already here. What shall I do?"
• Jack Kirkwood (14:18): "I told you, once I got started, nothing would stop me."

The segment concludes with Lily taking matters into her own hands, effectively ending Jack's chaotic efforts.

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Notable Quotes

• Jack Kirkwood (01:43): "Please don't start the afternoon by telling people how fat I am. Why, every day I do something about my weight. What do you do? I eat like a hog."
• Jack Kirkwood (02:38): "But every time I go on a picnic, I get itching to go home. Nerves. Ants. Last time I went on a picnic, someone put the lunch and all the soft drinks right over an ant hill. Those ants carried off everything."
• Jack Kirkwood (03:37): "We had a hard salami and a matzo ball that didn't work too well either. You know, as the game wore on, the salami kept getting shorter and shorter."
• Lily (05:12): "What do you mean she's pretty in a way?"
• Jack Kirkwood (07:42): "Hello, Kirkwood House Painting Service. We'll paint your house from bottom to top, including your aunt, your uncle, your mom and your pop over."
• Jack Kirkwood (14:22): "Hey, put on that gun."

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Conclusion

"The Jack Kirkwood Show" episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio" masterfully recreates the charm and humor of classic radio comedies. Through Jack Kirkwood's misadventures and the dynamic interactions with his co-hosts, the episode delivers laughter and entertainment reminiscent of the Golden Age of Radio. Whether it's dealing with ants at a picnic or botched house painting jobs, Jack's endearing ineptitude ensures that listeners are both amused and engaged from start to finish.

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Note: This summary focuses exclusively on the comedic content of "The Jack Kirkwood Show," omitting advertisements, public service messages, and non-content sections as per the provided instructions.

Transcript

[Campaign Representative]

Nearly 90% of kids who vape say flavors are why they do it.

[Concerned Parent]

A lot of the flavors I've heard are like peach, mango, watermelon. It makes it seem like more childlike and innocent. Oh, I tried this once. It won't be that much of a problem. But then eventually it becomes a problem.

[Campaign Representative]

It's time to restrict the sale of flavored tobacco products in Oregon and protect our kids from nicotine addiction. Urge lawmakers to Pass Senate Bill 702A. Take action at flavorshookoreegonkids.org for by the Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids Action Fund.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Nobody go to sleep while this Yoda.

[Steve]

Following program as far as are recorded will be heard. Canada by short wave in Alaska and the Lion Islands by our armed forces. And all theaters of operation in the open western states of the usa. It's the Jack Kirkwood Show. Hey you.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Are you listening?

[Steve]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you all heard of the man who put mind over matter. Well, here's a man who couldn't get over what was the matter with his mind. Jack Kirkwood.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Thank you, Steve. Donna. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Steve, thank you for that steamy introduction. Please don't start the afternoon by telling people how fat I am. Why, every day I do something about my weight. What do you do? I eat like a hog. Actually, I like being fat. It saves me money.

[Steve]

Now wait a minute. How could being fat punishment possibly save you money?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Instead of buying belts, I tuck my pants in between the second and third rolls.

[Lily]

Yeah, Jack. Jack has so many wrinkles on his body that when he walks across the room, he screws himself into the floor.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Lily, don't knock my figure. Lil, if women can wear pleated skirts, I guess I can wear a pleated stomach.

[Steve]

You're silly.

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, I'm Kirkwood. Silly is the guy who punched me in the stomach cuz he always wanted to hit the jackpot.

[Lily]

Oh, Jack, you make me mad.

[Steve]

You make.

[Jack Kirkwood]

You make the sandwiches, I'll bring the beer.

[Lily]

Oh, are we going on a picnic? I love picnics.

[Jack Kirkwood]

So do I. But every time I go on a picnic, I get niching to go home. Nerves. Ants. Last time I went on a picnic, someone put the lunch and all the soft drinks right over an ant hill. Those ants carried off everything.

[Lily]

Soda pop too?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yep. But we had our revenge. How? We hid the bottle opener. Wow.

[Steve]

Wait a minute. What an imagination.

[Lily]

What a story.

[Jack Kirkwood]

What a time those ants had biting off those bottle.

[Steve]

Did you actually see those ants biting off the bottle cap?

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, I didn't.

[Lily]

Then how do you know they did.

[Jack Kirkwood]

My grocery man told me.

[Steve]

Your grocery man?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah, the ants told him about it when they brought back the empties.

[Lily]

Anytime you tell a story about empties, I know you made it up out of your own head.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah. My, aren't you sorry you said that? Actually, no. I love picnics. What times we used to have, we always wound up the day with a big baseball game.

[Steve]

Oh, did someone in the group always bring a baseball in the bat?

[Jack Kirkwood]

We never had a baseball in the B.

[Steve]

Well, how'd you play baseball?

[Jack Kirkwood]

We had a hard salami and a matzo ball that didn't work too well either. You know, as the game wore on, the salami kept getting shorter and shorter. Every batter would take a bite out. In the last half of the ninth inning, I went to bat with a string in my hand and the picture wound up and threw the matzo ball right at me.

[Lily]

Did you get a hit?

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, I got gas. It hit me right in the mouth and I swallowed.

[Lily]

Last time I was on a picnic, my boyfriend took me for a ride in a canoe.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, I used to do that. I used to. You have? But not anymore. The canoe tipped over once and I. Was I ever insulted while I was in the water?

[Steve]

How do you mean?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Cracks about my physique. Instead of yelling man overboard. The yell. There she blows. Now I ask you, do I look like a whale? Don't answer that. That's what I call a low crack.

[Steve]

Hello, Kirk.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Hello, crack. How's Mrs. Crack?

[Steve]

Well, we split up. We're getting back together again. Cuz she wants lots of children.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I hope you'll be happy living with a house full of cracks.

[Lily]

You like your. Do you like children, Jack?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I love children. Especially little girls between the ages of 21 and 50.

[Lily]

You're nothing but a wolf. What girl did you go out with last night?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, some gal named Christiana. Fern.

[Lily]

Is she pretty?

[Jack Kirkwood]

In a way.

[Lily]

What do you mean she's pretty in a way?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, if somebody's standing in the way and you can't see her, she's pretty.

[Steve]

Oh, now you've insulted her.

[Lily]

You've criticized her.

[Jack Kirkwood]

You've never seen her.

[Lily]

What does she look like, Jack?

[Jack Kirkwood]

All kind of perdition. She has a very small nose. Her nose is so tiny that when I first met her I thought she was breathing through a wart.

[Steve]

Well, if you ask me, she sounds ravishing.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Ravishing?

[Steve]

Ravishing.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Ravishing. Ravishing. And so we leave the enchanting little island of Hobo on the boxcar and head our sturdy little crab into the Lagoon. As we cross the lagoon, we become aware of the many sharks who approach our boat with baskets and hand begging food. Preferably arms and legs. As we attempt to leave the sharks behind by setting our sails to the windward. Drifting across the lagoon comes a soft chant of the natives as they bid us fond farewell. Sam Sa. Here we are. Right, that's the Madhouse News.

[Steve]

And today the Madhouse News is on the air with a big story on house painting. And here's your news commentator, Phineas. She gave me the brush off deadline. Shoot the color to me Mueller.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Sorry, folks. I'll be back in a week with some sky blue pink.

[Steve]

St. Peter Vermont News Prize the lid off house painting.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Montpelier. How do you folks. And now the spring is well on its way. People are beginning to fix up their houses with new paint. Roofs, shrubs. No, that guy wanted to charge me yet twelve hundred dollars, you know. Kisses. Yes, sir. Well, sir, we decided to check up on this house painting business. So we sent our shy reporter to the little town of Paint Piedra, Vermont and see what he can find out. Gotta do a character. May I? Reportedly hid behind a can of old lacquer and he heard the following conversation. The town's only house painter was an old duffer by the name of J.J. kirkwood. And he sure was a sloppy old he. He always had a hangover mixed the wrong color. He splash paint all he looked like. Oh, my head. Take it away, Rembrandt. Hello, Kirkwood House Painting Service. We'll paint your house from bottom to top, including your aunt, your uncle, your mom and your pop over. Hey, Kirkwood.

[Steve]

I just finished that house you sent me to paint. But I. But I wore out a pair of shoes painting it.

[Jack Kirkwood]

How do you wear out a pair of shoes painting a house white?

[Steve]

It was a house trailer. I painted it all the way to Chicago.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Now get back here. Oh, Ms. Lee. Ms. Lee, where are you?

[Lily]

I'm mixing up this bucket of paint.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, be careful not to spill any of it.

[Lily]

Don't worry, I've got the lid on.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, that's what. How can you make a bucket of paper with the lid on?

[Lily]

It's easy if you're inside the bucket like I am.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, flip your lid and get out of here. Were any calls for me while I was out?

[Lily]

Yes, Mrs. Scrumple called.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Scrumple?

[Lily]

She wants you to paint. She wants you to paint the interior of her house this afternoon. She said that if you don't think you can do it before five, not to bother. She must have heard how Slow you are.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, why, once I get started, there's no stopping me. Say, how did Ms. Albert like that job I did on that Chinese modern chair in her kitchen?

[Lily]

She's pretty mad about it.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Mad about it?

[Lily]

Yes. Her Chinese cook was sitting on it when you painted it.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I thought that was kind of strange upholstery at the time. Hello. Kirkwood House Painting Service. We'll paint your house a nifty blue. If you've got termites, we'll paint them too over.

[Steve]

Say, can you tell me how to make paint thinner?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah. Well, first you take a quart of turpentine.

[Steve]

Turpentine? Won't that kill him?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Who's him? My horse. What's a horse got to do with this?

[Steve]

Well, his name is Paint and he's getting too fat for the saddle. And I wanted how to make paint thinner.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Come on back and do another picture. Mistake was Junie. Come and get him. Here I am, Mrs. Trumble. Here.

[Lily]

Hi, Mrs. Grumple.

[Jack Kirkwood]

How do you do, Mrs. Grumple? You look the part, too. What can I do for you?

[Lily]

Well, I'm having guests in tonight and I want to know if you can have my house painted in time.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Of course, Mrs. Crumple, of course.

[Lily]

Are you sure you can get it done on time?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, yeah. I can't do it.

[Lily]

I've heard you're rather slow.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Don't you worry, Mrs. Crumple. Once I get started, there's no stopping me. I'm really a fast painter.

[Lily]

You are?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I painted the whole Empire State Building in two hours.

[Lily]

In two hours? However did you manage to paint all of it in that short time?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Easy. I stood on a box. Don't you worry, Mrs. Crumple. I'll have your house all faced in time for the party.

[Lily]

Thank you.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Goodbye. Goodbye, Mrs. Crumple. Rumple, you old man. Duncan. Hey, Ms. Lee. When Doug gets back from Chicago, tell him we have a job to do. He should be here any minute.

[Lily]

But he just called from Chicago a little while ago. Is he going to fly back?

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, he'll walk.

[Lily]

How could he possibly walk from Chicago in 10 minutes?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Takes big steps.

[Steve]

Hiya, boys.

[Jack Kirkwood]

What took you so long?

[Steve]

Well, you know how to speed limit there in those small towns?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, now that you're here, we got a job to do out of Mrs. Scrumple.

[Steve]

Oh, no.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yes. Yes.

[Steve]

No, no. Not Mrs. Scrumple. Remember the trouble she caused us last time?

[Lily]

What kind of trouble, Mr. Kirkwood?

[Jack Kirkwood]

She had us sit around for a week while she went to every paint store in the Atlantic Colt looking for a light shade of black paint. Come on, Don, let's get out there. Right. We here already. I see what you mean about those small town speed limits. Sure do eat up the time, Billy. Well, let's go in. You. Mrs. Scottle? Where are you? Where are you?

[Lily]

Where are you?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Rather large for a reception hall, isn't it? Boy, this sure is a big house. Yeah.

[Steve]

Kind of goofy too.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah. Look at.

[Steve]

Look at. Look at the price list on the wall.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Price list? Yeah. That's a secret. Oh, that's. That's. That's. No, not a price list at all. That's a bus schedule. Bus schedule?

[Steve]

Well, what would buses be doing in.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Does that answer your question? Hold on.

[Lily]

Ms. Church, I want you to start in this room. And remember, I want everything done by 5:00.

[Steve]

Okay.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Down. Hand me that brush. Let's get to work.

[Lily]

Ms. Kirkwood, it's almost 5:00 o' clock. Are you nearly finished? Oh, why, you hardly painted anything. What have you been doing all this time?

[Jack Kirkwood]

What do you say, Mrs. Grumble? We've been busy. Painting a davenport.

[Lily]

The Davenport in the den?

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, the one in Iowa.

[Lily]

Mr. Kirkwood, most of the guests are already here. What shall I do?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, you want a fast job. Why didn't you say so? Stand back.

[Steve]

Here goes.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Hey, Irish and scribble all fitted.

[Lily]

Mr. Carwood, you painted over everything. The rugs, the drapes, and even my guests are covered in.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I told you, once I got started, nothing would stop me.

[Lily]

Well, I'll stop you right now.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Hey, put on that gun.

[Steve]

Help.

[Lily]

And no jury will ever convict me either.

[Steve]

Oh, Jack, it's about time.

[Jack Kirkwood]

H. So it is.

[Lily]

So long, gang. See you tomorrow, everybody.

[Steve]

This is the United States Armed forces radio.

[Campaign Representative]

Nearly 90% of kids who vape say flavors are why they do it.

[Concerned Parent]

A lot of the flavors I've heard are like peach, mango, watermelon. It makes it seem like more childlike and innocent. Oh, I tried this once. It won't be that much of a problem. But then eventually it becomes a problem.

[Campaign Representative]

It's time to restrict the sale of flavored tobacco products in Oregon and protect our kids from nicotine addiction. Urge lawmakers to Pass Senate Bill 702A. Take action at flavorshookoregonkids.org paid for by the Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids Action Fund.

[Styles MacKenzie]

We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Styles MacKenzie helping you make those rooms sing. Today's Style Tip. When it comes to making a statement. Treat bold patterns like neutral. Go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table from Wayfair.com figures this has been your Wayfair style tip to keep those interiors superior.

[Lily]

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