The Jack Kirkwood Show xx-xx-xx House Painter

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio Episode: The Jack Kirkwood Show xx-xx-xx House Painter Release Date: June 29, 2025

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Introduction

The Jack Kirkwood Show transports listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio with its lively characters and humorous dialogues. In this episode, Jack Kirkwood and his sidekicks navigate the chaotic world of house painting, leading to a series of comedic mishaps and witty exchanges. This summary delves into the key segments of the episode, highlighting memorable quotes and unfolding the storyline for those unfamiliar with the show.

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Opening Banter and Character Introductions

00:54 - 01:14

The episode kicks off with Jack Kirkwood engaging with his co-host, Steve Donner, setting a light-hearted and jovial tone.

• Steve Donner: “...heard in Canada by Short Wave, in Alaska and the Hawaiian Islands by our armed forces...” (00:56) – Establishing the show's broad reach.

• Jack Kirkwood: “Hey, you. Are you listening.” (01:14) – Playfully addressing the audience and setting up the flow of the show.

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Weighty Conversations and Humorous Confessions

01:14 - 03:22

Jack humorously addresses comments about his weight, leading to a series of comedic exchanges about personal habits and interactions.

• Jack Kirkwood: “I eat like a hog. Actually, I like being fat. It saves me money.” (01:52) – Introducing Jack's self-deprecating humor.

• Steve Donner: “Now wait a minute. How could being fat possibly save you money?” (01:58) – Prompting Jack to elaborate.

• Jack Kirkwood: “Instead of buying belts, I tuck my pants in between the second and third rolls.” (02:02) – A witty response highlighting Jack's frugality in a humorous light.

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Picnic Antics and Tall Tales

02:18 - 04:26

Jack recounts his less-than-stellar experiences with picnics, leading to humorous anecdotes about ants and unconventional baseball games.

• Jack Kirkwood: “...someone put the lunch in all the soft drinks. Right over an ant hill. Those ants carried off everything.” (02:38) – Narrating a chaotic picnic scenario.

• Steve Donner: “What an imagination.” (02:58) – Reacting to Jack's exaggerated storytelling.

• Jack Kirkwood: “...the salami kept getting shorter and shorter...” (03:32) – Describing an improvised and absurd baseball game, adding to the comedic flair.

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Navigating Canoe Troubles and Physical Comedy

04:03 - 05:14

The conversation shifts to canoeing mishaps, where Jack humorously tackles comments about his physique and relationships.

• Jack Kirkwood: “...instead of yelling man overboard, the yell. There she blows.” (04:07) – A pun-filled remark showcasing Jack's quick wit.

• Lil: “Do you like children, Jack?” (04:33)
  Jack Kirkwood: “I love children. Especially little girls between the ages of 21 and 50.” (04:36) – A humorous and slightly cheeky response highlighting Jack's playful personality.

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Describing Christiana Fearne with Sardonic Humor

05:02 - 07:07

Jack introduces a character named Christiana Fearne, delivering comedic descriptions that blend charm with sarcasm.

• Jack Kirkwood: “Well, if somebody's standing in the way and you can't see her, she's pretty.” (04:50)
  Lil: “What girl did you go out with last night?” (04:44)
  Jack Kirkwood: “...when I first met her, I thought she was breathing through a wart.” (05:03) – A series of humorous insults masked as compliments.

• Steve Donner: “Well, if you ask me, she sounds ravishing.” (05:11)
  Jack Kirkwood: “Ravishing after.” (05:15) – Enhancing the comedic tension between the characters.

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The Madhouse News Segment: House Painting Fiasco

07:07 - 11:26

A parody news segment titled "Madhouse News" delves into the chaotic world of house painting, spotlighting Jack Kirkwood's often disastrous painting endeavors.

• Steve Donner: “...big story on house painting. And here's your news commentator, Phineas.” (07:07) – Transitioning into the news parody.

• Jack Kirkwood: “Hello, Kirkwood House Painting Service. We'll paint your house from bottom to top...” (07:25) – Introducing his questionable painting services with flair.

• Steve Donner: “I just finished that house you sent me to paint.” (08:41)
  Jack Kirkwood: “How could you wear out a pair of shoes painting a house white?” (08:45) – Highlighting the absurdity of their painting business.

• Lil: “She wants you to paint the interior of her house this afternoon.” (09:16)
  Jack Kirkwood: “Once I get started, there's no stopping me.” (09:19) – Setting the stage for impending chaos.

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Mrs. Scrumple’s Painting Disaster

11:26 - 14:47

The climax of the episode revolves around the ill-fated attempt to paint Mrs. Scrumple's house, leading to a complete painting mishap that disrupts the household.

• Jack Kirkwood: “I painted the whole Empire State Building in two hours.” (10:48) – Boasting about an unrealistic painting feat, foreshadowing disaster.

• Lil: “Are you nearly finished? Oh, why are you hardly painting anything?” (13:30)
  Jack Kirkwood: “We've been busy. Painting a davenport.” (13:38) – Misleading assurance amidst visible chaos.

• Jack Kirkwood: “Hey, Ivy scribble.” (13:44) – Attempting to salvage the situation with misplaced focus.

• Lil: “All fitted, Mr. Carport, you painted over everything...” (14:10) – Confronting Jack about the extensive and unintended paint coverage.

• Jack Kirkwood: “I told you, once I got started, nothing would stop me.” (14:17) – Admitting to the uncontrollable nature of his painting spree.

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Conclusion and Sign-Off

14:47 - 14:51

The episode wraps up with characters bidding farewell, maintaining the show's characteristic humor and camaraderie.

• Steve Donner: “This is the United States Armed Forces Radio.” (14:51) – Closing the episode with a classic radio sign-off, reinforcing the show's nostalgic charm.

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Notable Quotes:

• Jack Kirkwood: “I eat like a hog. Actually, I like being fat. It saves me money.” (01:52)

• Lil: “Do you like children, Jack?” (04:33)
  Jack Kirkwood: “I love children. Especially little girls between the ages of 21 and 50.” (04:36)

• Jack Kirkwood: “...someone put the lunch in all the soft drinks. Right over an ant hill. Those ants carried off everything.” (02:38)

• Steve Donner: “Now wait a minute. How could being fat possibly save you money?” (01:58)

• Jack Kirkwood: “I told you, once I got started, nothing would stop me.” (14:17)

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Conclusion

The Jack Kirkwood Show masterfully blends humor, character interplay, and situational comedy to entertain its audience. This episode, centered around the chaotic adventures of house painting, offers a delightful mix of witty banter and humorous storytelling. Through memorable quotes and engaging dialogues, listeners are treated to a nostalgic journey reminiscent of classic radio shows, making it a standout episode in Harold's Old Time Radio lineup.

Transcript

[Narrator]

You only get 18 summers with your kids before they're off making memories with families of their own. That's barely enough time to figure out who screams louder on a roller coaster. So this year, make every summer count at Silverwood theme Park. Watch your little ones conquer the coasters, giggle their way down the slides at Boulder beach and devour powdered sugar funnel cakes like they're racing against the clock. Save up to $10 off tickets when you purchase online. Make every summer count at Summer Silverwood.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Nobody go to sleep while they showed.

[Steve Donner]

On following program as parts are recorded will be heard in Canada by Short Wave, in Alaska and the Hawaiian Islands by our armed forces and all theaters of operation in the open western states of the usa. It's the Jack Kirkwood Show.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Hey, you. Are you listening.

[Steve Donner]

Ladies and gentlemen? You all heard of the man who put mind over matter? Well, here's the man who couldn't get over what was the matter with his mind. Jack Herod.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Thank you. Steve Donner. Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Steve, thank you for that steamy introduction. Please don't start the afternoon by telling people how fat I am. Why, every day I do something about my weight.

[Steve Donner]

What do you do?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I eat like a hog. Actually, I like being fat. It saves me money.

[Steve Donner]

Now wait a minute. How could being fat possibly save you money?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Instead of buying belts, I tuck my pants in between the second and third rolls.

[Lil]

Yeah, Jack. Jack has so many wrinkles on his body that when he walks across the room, he screws himself into the floor.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Don't knock my figure, Lil. If women can wear a pleated skirts, I guess I can wear a pleated stomach.

[Steve Donner]

You're silly.

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, I'm Kirkwood. Silly is the guy who punched me in the stomach because he always wanted to hit the jackpot.

[Lil]

Oh, Jack, you make me mad.

[Steve Donner]

You make me nervous.

[Jack Kirkwood]

You make the savages. I'll bring the beer.

[Lil]

Oh, are we going on a picnic? I love picnics.

[Jack Kirkwood]

So do I. But every time I go on a picnic, I get niching to go home. Nerves. Ants. Last time I went on a picnic, someone put the lunch in all the soft drinks. Right over an ant hill. Those ants carried off everything.

[Lil]

Soda pop too?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yep. But we had our revenge.

[Lil]

How?

[Jack Kirkwood]

We hid the bottle opener. Wow.

[Lil]

Wait a minute.

[Steve Donner]

What an imagination.

[Lil]

What a story.

[Jack Kirkwood]

What a time those ants had biting off those bottle caps.

[Steve Donner]

Did you actually see those ants biting off the bottle cap?

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, I didn't.

[Lil]

Then how do you know they did?

[Jack Kirkwood]

My grocery man told me.

[Steve Donner]

Your grocery man?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah, the ants told him about it. When they brought back the empties.

[Lil]

Anytime you tell a story about empties, I know you made it up out of your own head.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah. Now aren't you sorry you said that? Actually, though, I love picnics. What times we used to have, we always wound up today with a big baseball game.

[Steve Donner]

Oh, did someone in the group always bring a baseball in the bat?

[Jack Kirkwood]

We never had a baseball in the bat.

[Steve Donner]

Well, how'd you play baseball?

[Jack Kirkwood]

We had a hard salami and a matzo ball that didn't work too well either. You know, as the game wore on, the salami kept getting shorter and shorter. Every batter would take a bite out. In the last half of the ninth inning, I went to bat with a string in my hand and the pitcher wound up and threw the mozo ball right at me.

[Lil]

Did you get a hit?

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, I got gas. It hit me right in the mouth and I swallowed.

[Lil]

Now, last time I was on a picnic, my boyfriend took me for a ride in a canoe.

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, I used to do that. I used. I. But not many more. The canoe tipped over once and I. Was I ever insulted while I was in the water?

[Steve Donner]

How do you mean?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Cracks about my physique. Instead of yelling man overboard, the yell. There she blows. Now I ask you, do I look like a whale? Don't answer that. What do I call a low crack? Hello, crack. How's Mrs. Crack?

[Steve Donner]

Well, we split up. We're getting back together again. Cuz she wants lots of children.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I hope you'll be happy living with a house full of cracks.

[Lil]

Do you like children? Do you like children, Jack?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I love children. Especially little girls between the ages of 21 and 50.

[Lil]

You're nothing but a wolf. What girl did you go out with last night?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, some gal named Christiana Fearne.

[Lil]

Is she pretty?

[Jack Kirkwood]

In a way.

[Lil]

What do you mean she's pretty in a way?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, if somebody's standing in the way and you can't see her, she's pretty.

[Steve Donner]

Oh, now you've insulted her.

[Lil]

You've criticized her.

[Jack Kirkwood]

You've never seen her.

[Lil]

What does she look like, Jack?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, kind of pert. She has a very small nose. Her nose is so tiny. When I first met her, I thought she was breathing through a wart.

[Steve Donner]

Well, if you ask me, she sounds ravishing.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Ravishing?

[Steve Donner]

Ravishing, Ravishing.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Ravishing after. And so we leave the enchanting little item, the PO bow on the box car and head our sturdy little crab into the lagoon. As we cross the lagoon, we become aware of the many sharks who approach our boat with baskets and Hand begging food, preferably arms and legs as we attempt to leave the sharks behind by setting our sails to the windward. Drifting across the lagoon comes the soft chant of the natives as they bid us fond farewell.

[Lil]

Sam.

[Jack Kirkwood]

SA Here we are right at that speed. Madhouse News.

[Steve Donner]

And today the Madhouse News is on the air with a big story on house painting. And here's your news commentator, Phineas. She gave me the brush off deadline. Shoot the color to me Mueller.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Sorry, folks. I'll be back in a week with some sky blue pink.

[Steve Donner]

Paint. Peter, VT News Prize the lid off house painting.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Come on, Peter. How do you folks now, the spring is well on its way. People are beginning to fix up their houses with new paint. Roofs, shrubs. Know what that guy wanted to charge me yet? Twelve hundred dollars. You know, gizzards. Yes, sir. Well, sir, we decided to check up on this house painting business. So we sent our shy reporter to the little town of Paint Pizzer, Vermont, and see what he can find out. Gotta do a character. Well, I reportedly hid behind a can of old lacquer and he heard the following conversation. The town's only house painter was an old duffer by the name of J.J. kirkland. And he sure was a sloppy old. He. He always had a hangover mixed the wrong color. He splash paint all he looked like. Oh, my. Take it away, Rembrandt. Hello, Kirkwood House Painting Service. We'll paint your house from bottom to top, including your aunt, your uncle, your mom and your pop over. Hey, Kirkwood.

[Steve Donner]

I just finished that house you sent me to paint.

[Jack Kirkwood]

But I.

[Steve Donner]

But I wore out a pair of shoes painting it.

[Jack Kirkwood]

How could you wear out a pair of shoes painting a house white?

[Steve Donner]

It was a house trailer. I painted it all the way to Chicago.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Now get back here. Oh, Ms. Lee. Ms. Lee, where are you?

[Lil]

I'm mixing up this bucket of paint.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, be careful not to spill any of it.

[Lil]

Don't worry, I've got the lid on.

[Jack Kirkwood]

How do you make a bucket of paint with the lid on?

[Lil]

It's easy if you're inside the bucket like I am.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, flip your lid and get out of here. Were any calls from me while I was out?

[Lil]

Yes, Mrs. Scrumple called.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Scrumple?

[Lil]

She wants you to paint. She wants you to paint the interior of her house this afternoon. She said that if you don't think you can do it before five, not to bother. She must have heard how slow you are.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, why, once I get started, there's no stopping me. Say, how did Ms. Albert like that job? I Did on that Chinese modern chair in her kitchen.

[Lil]

She's pretty mad about it.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Mad about it?

[Lil]

Yes. Her Chinese cook was sitting on it when you painted it.

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, I thought that was kind of strange upholstery at the time. Hello. Kirkwood House Painting Service. We'll paint your house a nifty blue. If you've got termites, we'll paint them too. Over.

[Steve Donner]

Say, can you tell me how to make paint thinner?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah. Well, first you take a quart of turpentine.

[Steve Donner]

Turpentine? Won't that kill him?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Who's him? My horse. What's a horse got to do with this?

[Steve Donner]

Well, his name is Paint and he's getting too fat for the saddle. And I want to know how to make paint thinner.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, come on back and do another picture. Mistakeless Judy, come and get here. I am Mrs. Crumple here.

[Lil]

Hi, Mrs. Grandpa.

[Jack Kirkwood]

How do you do, Mrs. Grumple? You look the part, too. What can I do for you?

[Lil]

Well, I'm having guests in tonight. I want to know if you can have my house painted in time.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Of course, Mrs. Crumple. Of course.

[Lil]

Are you sure you can get it done on time?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, yeah. I can't do it.

[Lil]

I've heard you're rather slow.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Don't you worry, Mrs. Scrumple. Once I get started, there's no stopping me. I'm really a fast painters.

[Lil]

You are?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Why, I painted the whole Empire State Building in two hours.

[Lil]

In two hours? However did you manage to paint all of it in that short time?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Easy. I stood on a box. Don't you worry, Mrs. Scle. I'll have your house all faced in time for the party.

[Lil]

Thank you. Goodbye.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Goodbye, Mrs. Crumple. Rumple, you old man. Ms. Lee, when Doug gets back from Chicago, tell him I have a job to do. He should be here any minute.

[Lil]

But he just called from Chicago a little while ago. Is he going to fly back?

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, he'll walk.

[Lil]

Well, how could he possibly walk from Chicago in 10 minutes?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Takes big steps. Hiya, boys. What took you so long?

[Steve Donner]

Well, you know how the speed limits are in those small towns.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, now that you're here, we got a job to do out of Mrs. Scrumples.

[Steve Donner]

Oh, no.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yes. Yes. No, no.

[Steve Donner]

Not Mrs. Scrumple. Remember the trouble she caused us last time?

[Lil]

What kind of trouble, Mr. Kirkwood?

[Jack Kirkwood]

She had us sit around for a week while she went to every paint store in the Atlantic coast looking for a light shade of black paint. Come on, Don, let's get out there. Right. We here already. I see What? You mean about those small town speed limits? Sure do eat up the time. Well, let's go in. You. Mrs. Scuttle. Where are you? Where are you?

[Lil]

Where are you?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Rather large for a reception hall, isn't it? Boy, this sure is a big house.

[Steve Donner]

Yeah, kind of goofy too.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah.

[Steve Donner]

Look at. Look at. Look at the price list on the wall.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Price list? Yeah. That's a secret. Oh, that's. No, not a price list at all. That's a bus schedule. Bus schedule?

[Steve Donner]

Well, what would buses be doing in.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Does that answer your question?

[Lil]

Ms. Kirkwood, I want you to start in this room. And remember, I want everything done by 5:00.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Okay. Don't hammer that brush. Let's get to work.

[Lil]

Ms. Kirkwood.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yes?

[Lil]

It's almost 5:00 o' clock. Are you nearly finished? Oh, why are you hardly painting anything? What have you been doing all this time?

[Jack Kirkwood]

What do you think, Mrs. Grumble? We've been busy. Painting a davenport.

[Lil]

The davenport in the den?

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, the one in Iowa.

[Lil]

Mr. Kirkwood, most of the guests are already here. What shall I do?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, you want a fast job. Why didn't you say so? Stand back. Here goes. Hey, Ivy scribble.

[Lil]

All fitted, Mr. Carport, you painted over everything. The rugs, the drapes and even my guests are covered in.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I told you, once I got started, nothing would stop me.

[Lil]

Well, I'll stop you right now.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Hey, put on that gun. Help.

[Lil]

And no jury will ever convict me either.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, Jack.

[Steve Donner]

It's about time.

[Jack Kirkwood]

H. So it is.

[Lil]

So long, gang. See you tomorrow.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Everybody.

[Steve Donner]

This is the United States Armed Forces Radio.