The Jimmy Durante Show 48-02-25 (22) Goes To The Race Track

Summary

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The Jimmy Durante Show – "Goes To The Race Track"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Date: September 21, 2025 (original broadcast: Feb 25, 1948)
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Theme:
A classic episode centered around Jimmy Durante’s legendary humor and mishaps as he deals with insomnia, contemplates his (comic) political prospects, and heads for an outing at the racetrack with friends. Packed with wordplay, vaudevillian banter, and signature musical moments, it’s a nostalgic romp through the very best of Golden Age radio comedy.

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1. Opening and Main Theme

01:00 – 01:59
The show opens with fanfare and a musical performance of Jimmy’s signature song, emphasizing the importance of starting each day with cheer.

Quote:
"Isn't it better to go through life with a smile and a song than walking around with a face 11 miles long?"
— Jimmy Durante (02:31)

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2. Political Banter and Insomnia Woes

03:00 – 08:20

• Political Satire:
  Jimmy details a $100-a-plate dinner in Washington attended by political big wigs, blending topical humor of both Republicans and Democrats.

  • Memorable exchange:
    • Jimmy: "How would I know? I only had seven bucks with me. I had to eat out of a saucer. What a dirty look I got from Truman's dog." (03:21)
    • Jimmy jokes about a smear campaign:
      "They say I'm illiterate, incompetent and immaterial. And I regard that as a libel. Libel? Yeah. They're liable to prove it." (05:23)
    • Jokes about Dewey vs. Durante:
      "I admit I've got a nice profile, but Dewey's got a whole face. Comes in handy for pictures that are taken from the front." (05:42)

• Durante’s Insomnia:
  Jimmy recounts his struggle to sleep with classic slapstick. His elaborate bedtime routine is constantly interrupted by his cat and a late-night delivery, culminating in an extended comic monologue.

  • Quote:
    "I'm an insomaniac in the advanced stages. ... I'm all ready for the sandman when I hears a noise." — Jimmy Durante (06:08)

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3. Sponsor Moments (Rexall)

08:20 – 09:59 & 18:50 – 19:59

• Rexall spotlights are woven throughout, with comical offhand comments from Durante:
  • "Very nice, Mr. Petrie. But you neglected to mention that my picture is in the window of every one of those Rexall stores right next to a bottle of nose drops." (09:13)

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4. Comic Guests and Remedies for Sleep

10:02 – 14:34

• Victor Moore’s Entrance:
  Victor arrives with trademark confusion and witty wordplay.

• Professor Schultz offers a phonograph cure for insomnia:
  Jimmy jokes, "Sounds all right, but won't I have to wake up to turn off the record?" (11:57)

• Victor’s Milk Remedy:
  "Every night I drink three glasses of warm milk. One pasteurized, one homogenized and one terrorized."
  — Victor Moore (12:16)
  With terrorized milk explained as "from discontented cows who didn't want to let go." (12:31)

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5. Peggy Lee’s Appearance and Musical Interlude

14:14 – 16:39

• Peggy Lee shares her secret to feeling great: a day at the racetrack.

  • "Ah, you poor thing. Jimmy, what you need is some fresh air and relaxation. I went out to the racetrack yesterday and I feel terrific." (14:34)

• Musical Performance:
  Peggy Lee provides a breezy song about vacationing in Brazil:
  "But you don’t have to know the language, with the moon in the sky and the girl in your arms." (16:39)

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6. At The Racetrack: Antics and Mishaps

20:08 – 28:35

• Setting Out:
  Inspired by Peggy and a free pass, Jimmy and Victor head to the racetrack.

• Horse Talk and Auction Gags:

  • They comically misunderstand a racing form, confusing a horse’s stats with its owner and vehicle makes.
  • Jimmy accidentally 'buys' a horse named Free Pass for $3,300, learning suddenly about stable fees:
    "The horse has a $700 food bill? Where does this horse eat? At the Macombo?" (24:06)
  • Hot Breath Houlihan appears, offering to help their horse 'win' by spiking its feed with drinks:
    "I'll put a martini in his oats, a Manhattan in his hay and a bucket of champagne in his water trough." (25:54)

• Betting Mix-Up:
  Inspired by the hunch that their horse Free Pass (number 10) will win, Jimmy insists:
  "With a hunch like that, my 3300 is practically right back in my pocket." (26:58)

  • Race results are narrated with mounting excitement as Free Pass wins, but in a classic comic twist:
    • "I said four tickets on number 10. You got me four tickets on number 10, didn't you?" — Jimmy
    • "No. I got you 10 tickets on number four." — Victor (28:21)

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7. Heartfelt Closer and Tribute

29:04 – 30:35

• Howard Petrie delivers a heartfelt message: Jimmy is honored with a "heart of gold" from the Mount Sinai Duarte National Medical Center for his years of charity.
  "Because down through the years, you have given your time, your money and your heart to the less fortunate. When your friends pay tribute to you tonight, they are honoring not only America’s favorite comedian, but one of America’s favorite people." (29:31)

• Jimmy responds, uncharacteristically sincere:
  "To everyone connected with the Mount Sinai Duarte Medical center, thanks. Thanks from the bottom of my heart." (30:19)

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8. Noteworthy Quotes & Banter

• "Victor, the nose is the covers. If I could plug it, I'd have the biggest electric blanket in town." — Jimmy Durante (13:44)
• "Wait a minute. I'm not a horse." — Jimmy Durante (21:25)
• "That's a woman for you. Always looking for a bargain." — Jimmy Durante (23:29)
• "Attention, Eastern states. We just solved your heating problem." — Jimmy Durante, on Hot Breath Houlihan's entrance (24:22)

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9. Key Musical Moments

• Opening song: “You Gotta Start Off Each Day With a Song” (02:00)
• Peggy Lee’s "You Don’t Have to Know the Language" (16:39)

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10. Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:00 – Durante’s theme song & monologue
• 03:15 – Political satire
• 06:08 – Insomnia routine
• 09:13 – Rexall spoof (Durante’s picture in drug stores)
• 10:02 – Victor Moore’s entrance
• 14:14 – Peggy Lee joins, suggests the racetrack
• 16:39 – Peggy Lee musical number
• 20:08 – At the racetrack
• 23:21 – Jimmy accidentally buys a horse
• 27:35 – The big race
• 28:16 – Betting mix-up revealed
• 29:31 – Heart of Gold tribute
• 30:19 – Durante’s gratitude

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Summary

A vintage celebration of Jimmy Durante’s comic persona featuring rapid-fire jokes, affectionate ribbing among regulars Victor Moore and Peggy Lee, surreal wordplay, a farcical horse-racing adventure, and heartfelt appreciation for Jimmy’s real-world generosity. The show’s musical interludes and recurring gags (“Good health to all from Rexall!”) offer a vibrant snapshot of radio’s golden age—full of character, spirit, and warmth. Don’t miss the classic betting blunder and the genuine tribute to one of America’s favorite performers.

Transcript

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[Howard Petrie]

Good health to all from Rexall. From Hollywood, it's the Jimmy Durante show. Yes, 10,000 Rex all drug stores who carry the complete line of top quality Rex all drug products bring you the Jimmy Durante show with Peggy Lee, Candy Candido, Roy Bargi and his orchestra. The crew chief's quartet, yours truly, Howard Petrie and that gay little gad about Victor Moore. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, Metro Goldwyn Mayor's little bundle of bait for Esther Williams, the one and only Jimmy Durante in.

[Jimmy Durante]

You've gotta start off each day with a song. Now even when things go wrong, you be better, you even look better. I'm here to tell you that you'll be a go getter down. The way that you shake my hand will tell you how I stand now. Isn't it better to go through life with a smile and a song than walking around with a face 11 miles long? Now you know that so you can't go wrong, right? If you start off each day with a song, you've got to start off each day with a song. Even when things go wrong, you feel better. You even look better. How do you like that? When I sing, the man who walks starts to run. But that don't bother me. Howard. There's good news tonight. Los Angeles now has the largest population in the country. The heavy winds last night blew Pismo beach into Beverly Hills. My lawn is now spouting clams.

[Howard Petrie]

Snoz. You're really in Fine spirits tonight.

[Jimmy Durante]

Why shouldn't I be? Howard, I just got in from Washington where I attended the annual Jackson Day dinner that cost $100 a plate.

[Howard Petrie]

Gosh, Jimmy, how does it feel to eat a dinner that costs a hundred dollars a plate?

[Jimmy Durante]

How would I know? I only had seven bucks with me. I had to eat out of a saucer. What a dirty look I got from Truman's dog. It saucer. But, Howard, that $100 a plate dinner was really she. She. All the political big shots were there. Governor Dewey X, Governor Stassen, Senator T, Governor Warren.

[Howard Petrie]

Jimmy, Jimmy, those are all Republicans. What were they doing there this year?

[Jimmy Durante]

The Democrats can't afford to be choosy. They'll take anybody's money laughing. Where's the. Where's the next line? Oh, yeah. Y at the. Prove it. Howard. Here's a picture I took of the Republican delegation.

[Howard Petrie]

Let's see it, Jim. Oh, yes, there's Taft, Dewey, Stassen. But who's this little guy on the end?

[Jimmy Durante]

He's from the Fiance Company. The Republicans have been out of office so long, they had to borrow the hundred bucks.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, Jimmy, tell me, how were the speeches? Did they call on you?

[Jimmy Durante]

Indeed they did. And when my speech was over, I sat down to finish my dinner and everybody in a joint came over and slapped me on the back.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, they liked your speech, huh?

[Jimmy Durante]

No, I was choking on an olive pit. Several. That's the way my folks want me. Elegant. Truman wanted to discuss my speech with me, and I was very hurt when he invited me to step out on the balcony.

[Howard Petrie]

You were hurt?

[Jimmy Durante]

Yeah. It's lucky I wasn't killed. His balcony isn't built yet.

[Howard Petrie]

Say, Jimmy, tell us about the big event of the evening. The speech the president made.

[Jimmy Durante]

It was very interesting, Mr. Petrie. The President outlined his political platform, and immediately after Truman's speech, they had entertainment.

[Howard Petrie]

Entertainment?

[Jimmy Durante]

Yeah. A group of Southern Democrats got up and sang I'm Just Mild about Harry.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, now, how does all this affect your political future, Snoz?

[Jimmy Durante]

Frankly, I'm worried, Howard. My political opponents have started a smear campaign against me. They say I'm illiterate, incompetent and immaterial. And I regard that as a libel. Libel? Yeah. They're liable to prove it. Then on top of that, I'm worried about losing the women's vote to Dewey.

[Howard Petrie]

Oh, Dewey hasn't got a chance against you, Jimmy. Not with the profile you've got.

[Jimmy Durante]

I admit I've got a nice profile, but Dewey's got a whole face comes in Handy for pictures that are taken from the front.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, Jimmy, I think you're a cinch for the vice presidency. But with the strenuous campaign coming on, you gotta watch your health and get plenty of rest.

[Jimmy Durante]

I know that, Howard. And that's the grasshopper and the cold cream formerly known as the fly in the ointment. But how can I rest when I can't sleep?

[Howard Petrie]

Oh, you have insomnia.

[Jimmy Durante]

That's right. I'm an insomaniac in the advanced stages. For instance, last night I was feeling quite fatigued and in a mood for slumber. So putting on my eyelash curlers, my chin strapped with the dimple attachment and the sling which keeps my nose from falling out of bed, I'm all ready for the sandman when I hears a noise. Removing my eyelash curlers, my chin strap and the sling which keeps my nose from falling out of bed, I investigates the noise and what is it? My cat wants to get out. I'm ready for Rock A by Baby. And she's ready for Papa, won't you dance with me? So I open the door and she's off to meet Art for Murray's tomcat. Once more, I puts on my eyelash curlies, my chin strap and the sling which keeps my nose from falling out of bed. And I'm just about to slip into the arms of Morpheus when what happens? I hears a knock on the door. Feeling my way in the dark and stubbing my toe on a little boy, which was higher than I thought, I opens the front door and what is it? A messenger boy with a package. I said, what's the idea of delivering a package at 2 in the morning? Why don't you deliver it in the daytime? He says I can. I'm using a stolen bicycle. Slamming the door on his happy little face, I drop back into my beauty rest mattress, which on me is completely wasted. I tried the left side, the right side, the top, the bottom, the corners and the edges. But no matter which way I turn, the dimples in my back don't fit the buttons in the mattresses. Two hours later, I'm just about to drift into sunbaland and again I hears a scratching at the door. So once more, I opens the door and what is it? The cat has canceled the date. The other cat was a Henry Wallace fan. He brought along a third party. Now, you know that you can't go wrong if you want to be sure that the product is pure. When you ask for a drug preparation, buy the Rexall line. The Rexall sign of Rexall identification.

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[Jimmy Durante]

If you want to be sure that the product is pure when you ask for drug preparation, buy the Rexall line at the Rexall sign of Rexall identification.

[Howard Petrie]

Good health to all from rexall.

[Jimmy Durante]

Very nice, Mr. Petrie. But you neglected to mention that my picture is the window of every one of those Rexall stores right next to a bottle of nose drops.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, say that that's right, Jimmy. And tell me, how does it feel to have your picture all over America like that?

[Jimmy Durante]

I don't mind as long as I give my permission. But last week, without my permission, a likeness of me appeared on a national advertising campaign and I was about to sue.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, if it was a likeness of you, Jimmy, why didn't you sue?

[Jimmy Durante]

The makers of rival dog food proved it was a cocker spaniel. A natural mistake. We both happen to have the same beauty marks. I apologize. But now, ladies and gentlemen, the proceed from the nonsensical to the non secretar which is just 20 miles this side of San Bedou. I'm proud to present.

[Victor Moore]

Pardon me, Is this the ticket or leave it program?

[Peggy Lee]

No.

[Jimmy Durante]

Why do you want the Take it or leave it program?

[Victor Moore]

Well, nobody will take what I've gotten on my to leave it.

[Jimmy Durante]

Why, it's not dashing. Dilettantly. Victim all. No victim. Victor, it's good to see you brimming over with bim vigor and vitamins.

[Victor Moore]

Thank you, Jimmy. Good to see you too. You know, you're as refreshing as a scented breeze drifting like a skylark over a purple lagoon.

[Jimmy Durante]

Ah, those are beautiful. Voyage. Where did you have alignment?

[Victor Moore]

I do know a car's laundry and they were scribbled on an old shirt tie.

[Jimmy Durante]

That I understand.

[Victor Moore]

Well, what's this I hear about you suffering from insomnia? Insomnia?

[Jimmy Durante]

Insomnia nothing. I can't even sleep. Why, I've been awake so long I got 2 inch of dust on my eyebrows. How did I say?

[Victor Moore]

Excuse me, please, Mr. Durante. I was just listening to your program.

[Jimmy Durante]

In my automobile and learned that you have insomnia I'm Professor Schultz, BBS, Ph.D.

[Victor Moore]

Ll D. That's a funny way to spell Schultz.

[Jimmy Durante]

Victor. Victor, please. We're in the presence of a man with a night school diploma. Mr. Durante, at the University of Heidelberg, I discovered a sure cure for insomnia. Now, if you buy this phonograph record.

[Victor Moore]

Of Brahms lullaby and when you go to bed tonight, you play it over and over, I guarantee you will fall down asleep.

[Jimmy Durante]

Sounds all right, but won't I have to wake up to turn off the record? Oh, that's what everybody says.

[Victor Moore]

I just can't sell any of these records.

[Jimmy Durante]

Well, color. Too bad his brain doesn't have an automatic changer.

[Victor Moore]

Jimmy, you don't need that guy. I got a sure remedy for insomnia. Every night I drink three glasses of warm milk. One pasteurized, one homogenized and one terrorized milk.

[Jimmy Durante]

That's terrorized?

[Victor Moore]

Yeah, it's from discontented cows who didn't want to let go.

[Jimmy Durante]

I always use Carnation Milk. It looks better in my lapel. But what can I do to get a little sleep?

[Victor Moore]

Well, I could drop around tonight and sing to you. Sometimes I sing myself to sleep.

[Jimmy Durante]

You sing yourself to sleep?

[Victor Moore]

Yeah, I just lie back and start to croon Rock A by Victor on the sweet top.

[Jimmy Durante]

That put you to sleep?

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Sure.

[Victor Moore]

I'd be crazy to stay awake and listen to Iraq.

[Jimmy Durante]

He near lost his place too, there for a minute. Don't be so modest, Victor. With your voice, you could put Perry in a coma. I got a million of them.

[Howard Petrie]

A million?

[Victor Moore]

Well, this thing calls for a scientific approach. Tell me, when you go to bed, do you lie with your nose over the covers or under the covers?

[Jimmy Durante]

Victor, the nose is the covers. If I could plug it. If I could plug in this schnoz, I'd have the biggest electric blanket in town. But, Victor, let's ignore me and my dilemmas. I may not be able to sleep, but if I could. Here comes the girl I dream about. It's Peggy Lee. Greetings, Peggy. Might I say that you're looking chick tonight.

[Peggy Lee]

Well, so are you, Jimmy. As a matter of fact, I don't know which one of you is prettier tonight, you or Victor.

[Victor Moore]

Well, I got dimples.

[Jimmy Durante]

Well, Victor may have dimples, but I got. Well, I got. I must have something.

[Victor Moore]

He's got insomnia.

[Peggy Lee]

Ah, you poor thing. Jimmy, what you need is some fresh air and relaxation. I went out to the racetrack yesterday and I feel terrific.

[Jimmy Durante]

Say, that sounds like a good idea. Did you win any money?

[Peggy Lee]

Well, I was wearing a Dress with a new look. So I only bet to win and play. How come with a new look dress, nothing ever shows? Ah, Peggy, you blum bombshell, you.

[Jimmy Durante]

Funny. Let's go into the yacht.

[Victor Moore]

Say, that's funny that you mentioned the racetrack, Peggy. Just this afternoon I found a free pass to the clubhouse. See, Jimmy, we can go out and spend the whole afternoon in Santa Anita without spending a dime.

[Jimmy Durante]

A tempting proposition. Well, don't you sing, Peggy, while Victor and I go into my mulling room and mull it over?

[Peggy Lee]

Glad to, Jimmy. Glad to. Supposing you need a vacation. Brazil is the place you should be. So you can't understand what they're saying. Ah, you can't read a sign that.

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[Peggy Lee]

But you don't have to know the language. With the moon in the sky and the in your arms and looking around you stop at the Copacabana with Sugarloaf mountain in view. So the words on the menu mean nothing. You can't ask a soul what to do. But you don't have to know the language. With the moon in the sky and the girl in your arms. And the look in her eyes when she you smiles your way. What more could you want anyone to say? So you slide your side. You don't have to mention that Yankee praise ay ay. Perhaps when you end your vacation you bring back a bit of Brazil. So you can't understand what she saying. You need an interpreter still. But you don't have to know the language. With the moon in the sky. And the girl in your arms and the look in her eyes no, you don't have to know the language if you don't want to say goodbye don't have to know Piling wide dumb wood don't have to know by me B Don't have to know Architect don't have to know K and you don't have to know the language with the moon in the sky and the girl in your arms and the look in her eyes no, you don't have to know the language if you don't want to say say Goodbye.

[Howard Petrie]

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[Jimmy Durante]

To be sure that the product is pure. When you ask for a drug preparation, buy the Rexall line at the Rexall sign of Rexall identification.

[Howard Petrie]

Good health to all from Rexall.

[Jimmy Durante]

AB Victor, this promises to be a great day. Free pass to the races might be just a thing for my insomnia. And who knows, at the track we might even meet a few girls of the female species.

[Victor Moore]

Well, girls are all right, Jimmy, but I like horses.

[Jimmy Durante]

You do?

[Victor Moore]

Yeah. Ever since I was a young man, I spent most of my time with horses.

[Jimmy Durante]

A recommendable pastime. But haven't you ever thought of marriage?

[Victor Moore]

I have, but I just can't find a horse that's serious.

[Jimmy Durante]

If any of my friends are listening in Chicago, please stop that joke before it reaches New York. Ah, but my boy is as frisky as a 2 year old. He's feeling his oats tonight.

[Victor Moore]

Well, come on, Jimmy, let's go to the track. This free pass is burning a hole in my money belt.

[Jimmy Durante]

Okay, Victor, I'll go. But remember, no betting okay. Racing farms. Racing farms. Get your racing farms here.

[Victor Moore]

One side, my good man, we're not betting today.

[Jimmy Durante]

That's right, buddy. Now let me have that free pass, Victor. And watch the way I impressed this guy at the ticket window. Hello, my good man. Here's our pass. What are you doing out here? I'm betting $2 on you in the next race. Betting on me? Wait a minute. I'm not a horse.

[Victor Moore]

Then why is that oat bag hanging.

[Jimmy Durante]

Down in front of your face? That's not an oat bag. And stop counting my teeth. I'll tell you how old I am.

[Victor Moore]

Just a minute, buster. This fella happens to be a friend of mine. I've yet to see the day you can holler at my friend. Don't tell him, Victor.

[Jimmy Durante]

I've yet to see the day you.

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Can holler at my friend.

[Jimmy Durante]

Pipe down or I'll brain you.

[Victor Moore]

Well, this is the day.

[Jimmy Durante]

It's great to have a front man, but my boy is too much front and not enough men. But come on, Victor, let's rub hoofs with the horsey set. Look, there's Lana Turner. What's scintillating here? What bewitching eyes. What delectable skin.

[Victor Moore]

Yeah, and what delicious lips.

[Jimmy Durante]

You know it, too?

[Victor Moore]

No, I was just helping you take inventory.

[Jimmy Durante]

My boy likes to keep track of the stock in case of a clearance sale.

[Peggy Lee]

Hi, fellas.

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Boy, am I crying the blues.

[Peggy Lee]

I got a couple of bucks I want to spend. And I can't understand this silly racing form.

[Jimmy Durante]

Why a simple Peggy look what it says about the first entry. Bread in Kentucky does the mile in 140. Wears blinkers, white bandages on legs and chestnut markings on nose.

[Peggy Lee]

Say, that sounds all right. Should I bet on him?

[Jimmy Durante]

That's just the owner. Wait till we get to the horse. Let's see, his name is Blind Date.

[Victor Moore]

Well, before Peggy bets on it. Jimmy, why don't you look under his name and check on his parents? You see, under this horse up here it says, whirl away out of Pretty Mary, Bite Seed Biscuit.

[Peggy Lee]

What does it say under blind date, Jimmy?

[Jimmy Durante]

Oldsmobile out of Gas by Griffith Park.

[Peggy Lee]

Excuse me, fellas. I just got to get a bet on that first horse on the board. Minute ago he was 100 to 1 and he was just marked down to 98.

[Jimmy Durante]

That's a woman for you. Always looking for a bargain. Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? What's this?

[Howard Petrie]

The bluegrass stable is auctioning off their entire stock. Now, the first horse is a two year old Named Free Pass.

[Jimmy Durante]

I'll start the bidding at 2500. Who.

[Howard Petrie]

Makes the next bid on Free Pass?

[Jimmy Durante]

We'll make a 28 on free pass.

[Victor Moore]

Gosh, Jimmy, isn't this interesting?

[Jimmy Durante]

Yeah, and to think we got in on a free pass.

[Victor Moore]

What did you say?

[Jimmy Durante]

Free Pass. Sold to the man with the big nose. Wait a minute. All bids are final.

[Howard Petrie]

That's $2,800 for the horse, $40 for trainer's fees, $60 for stable charges, and.

[Jimmy Durante]

The horse has a $700 food bill. $700 for food? Where does this horse eat? At the Macombo.

[Victor Moore]

Don't be silly, Jimmy. They wouldn't let him in there without a necktie.

[Jimmy Durante]

This is no time for joshing. How am I going to get back my $3,300?

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Bread? Out. Boy, it's Hot Breath Houlihan.

[Jimmy Durante]

Attention, Eastern states. We just solved your heating problem. Ms. Houlihan, I didn't know you were interested in a sport of kings.

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Are you kidding? Why, the last time Seabiscuit ran in the Kentucky Derby, I was standing at the finish line.

[Jimmy Durante]

What happened?

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

It was the first time the jockey came in ahead of the horse.

[Victor Moore]

I think I know how that boy felt.

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Turn off your motor, Pudgy. You're running out of gas.

[Jimmy Durante]

Wait a minute. Hot Bread, Maybe you can help me get my money back on this horse I just bought. You seem to know a lot about horses.

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Well, natural. I'm from Texas. Whenever I go away from Texas, I feel like I've left a part of me there.

[Jimmy Durante]

If you'll have it shipped out here, I'll be happy to pay the freight.

[Victor Moore]

Yeah, and have them put a sticker on it. Use no hooks.

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Thanks, Muscles. Now, listen, I got some information that's right out of the horse's mouth.

[Victor Moore]

That sounds like an awful sloppy place to keep.

[Jimmy Durante]

Victor. Victor. Victor. Victor.

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Look, boys, the horse you just bought is entered in the next race. Now, for $500, I think I can fix it so we've got a chance to win.

[Jimmy Durante]

Good. What's your plan?

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

I'll put a martini in his oats, a Manhattan in his hay and a bucket of champagne in his water trough.

[Jimmy Durante]

Will that make him win?

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

I don't know. But if he loses, he'll be the happiest horse on the track.

[Jimmy Durante]

It's a deal. Hot Fred, here's the $500.

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Thanks. Free pass will be the last entry. Number 10. So long, flute, Snoot. Go long and goodbye to you, Lover Lips.

[Victor Moore]

It gets around. It gets. Hey, Jimmy, that's a hunch. We Got in on a free pass. And your horse's name is Free Pass Victor.

[Jimmy Durante]

What a coincidence. Take my wallet and go over to the hundred dollar winner. And buy four tickets on number 10. Have you got that?

[Victor Moore]

I got it, Jimmy. Four tickets on number 10. Four tickets on number 10.

[Peggy Lee]

4 tickets on number 10.

[Jimmy Durante]

With a hunch like that, my 3300 is practically right back in my pocket. That guy's a novelty. Most people aren't flat till after the race.

[Howard Petrie]

Boy, what a thrill.

[Jimmy Durante]

There's my horse, number 10, walking along the rail. Hey, Free Pass, I'm depending on you. How do you feel about the race today? I'm feeling mighty slow. I'm surrounded by assassins. I gotta catch Victor before he makes those bets.

[Howard Petrie]

They're off and running.

[Jimmy Durante]

It's too late. There goes my dough.

[Howard Petrie]

Heading down the back stretch, it's Candy Bar in front, Bit of Honey, Wacky Packy. And Freed Pass was left at the post.

[Jimmy Durante]

He's fumbling with the lock on the starting gate.

[Howard Petrie]

Going into the far turn, It's Bitter Honey, Candy Bar, Wacky Packy. And Freed Pass is still at the post.

[Jimmy Durante]

Now he's sending up flash for a lock.

[Howard Petrie]

And now Free Pass is broken from the starting gate. He's gaining. And now the horses are coming down the line of finish. And the winner is number 10, free pass.

[Jimmy Durante]

Victor. Free Pass did it. He did it. That makes me even. Just think, four tickets on number 10.

[Victor Moore]

What did you say?

[Jimmy Durante]

I said four tickets on number 10. You got me four tickets on number 10, didn't you?

[Victor Moore]

No. I got you 10 tickets on number four.

[Jimmy Durante]

Good health to all from Rexall. We hope you're feeling fine, so always call for Rexall where you see the Rex all side.

[Howard Petrie]

Remember, 25% of America buys its drug needs in Rexall drugstores. Rexall is that large and respected family of more than 2,000 different drug products. You can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Available in Rexall drugstores everywhere.

[Jimmy Durante]

Touche, Howard. And I'd like to add. I do my shopping at a Rexall store. Buying Rexall drugs and a. Furthermore, Umbriago. He prefers them, too. We buy Rexall, that's all. How do you do? Now who will be with you when we're far away? Let me hear that. I note my scroll. What a note, Mr. Beatri.

[Howard Petrie]

A delightful note, Mr. Duranty. But, Jimmy, I've got a note here that I'm very proud and happy to read. Here it is. Tonight, because of your great charitable spirit. Over a thousand of your Friends and admirers will gather at the Biltmore bowl here in Los Angeles where the men's club of the Mount Sinai Duarte National Medical center will present you with a heart of gold. No better choice, Jimmy, could be made. Because down through the years, you have given your time, your money and your heart to the less fortunate. When your friends pay tribute to you tonight, Jimmy, they are honoring not only America's favorite comedian, but one of America's favorite people. That's the message, and here's the fact. Jim.

[Jimmy Durante]

Well, Howard, I don't know just what to say, so maybe I better let the words come out however they will. What I mean is, to everyone connected with the Mount Sinai Duarte Medical center, thanks. Thanks from the bottom of my heart.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, that's all for tonight, folks. Mr. Moore will be back with us next week. Also, Peggy Lee, Candy Candido, Roy Barggy, the Crew Chiefs quartet, yours truly, Howard.

[Jimmy Durante]

Petrie and Jimmy Durant. Who says, good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.

[Howard Petrie]

Attention all young men between 17 and 31 years of age who are United States citizens. America and the world depend on the United States Navy to maintain the strength considered essential by Congress. The Navy needs an average of at least 11,000 new enlistments per month. To enlist, see your local Navy recruiting officer tomorrow. This program is produced and directed by Phil Coham. Good health to all from Rexall.

[Jimmy Durante]

Oh, that. Down at one. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.