The Jimmy Durante Show 48-03-24 (25) Vacations

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Jimmy Durante Show 48-03-24 (25) Vacations

Host: Harold's Old Time Radio presents "The Jimmy Durante Show"

Release Date: May 26, 2025

In this engaging episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio," titled "The Jimmy Durante Show 48-03-24 (25) Vacations," listeners are treated to a delightful blend of humor, satire, and musical interludes, all anchored by the charismatic presence of Jimmy Durante. Hosted by Howard Petrie, the show features beloved guests Peggy Lee, Roy Vargy and his orchestra, the Crew Chiefs quartet, and the lovable sidekick Dick d'Amore.

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1. Welcome Back Jimmy Durante

The episode opens with Howard Petrie reintroducing Jimmy Durante after a brief hiatus during which President Truman temporarily took over his radio slot.

• Howard Petrie [00:27]: "Gosh, Jimmy, it must have been quite a surprise for a lot of people tuning in last week and hearing the President instead of you."
• Jimmy Durante [01:02]: "I guess he didn't get enough laughs. He only lasted one week."

Durante humorously comments on the president's short-lived stint and jabs at his iconic, oversized nose.

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2. Political Satire and Cabinet Humor

The conversation swiftly shifts to politics, where Durante satirizes the chaotic nature of presidential candidate selections and envisions his own whimsical cabinet comprised of famous female celebrities.

• Jimmy Durante [03:07]: "Secretary of State Esther Williams, Secretary of the Treasury Doherty Lamour, Secretary of the Interior Greer Garson, and Postmaster General Duranty."
• Jimmy Durante [03:24]: "With a cabinet like that, I'll be too busy taking care of the females."

His playful take underscores the absurdity of political appointments while showcasing his signature comedic style.

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3. Vacation Proposal as a Political Platform

In a standout moment, Durante introduces his humorous yet imaginative political platform: offering every American a two-week vacation with all expenses paid.

• Jimmy Durante [16:48]: "If I'm elected, I'm gonna give every man, woman, and child in the United States a two weeks vacation with all expenses paid."

This proposal sets the stage for a series of comedic sketches where Durante and his companions embark on a "vacation survey" across various fictional and exaggerated American locales.

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4. Comedic Vacation Journey

a. Poca Tanto, Mexico/California [05:59-07:59] The trio visits the whimsical town of Poca Tanto, humorously described as a border town with minimal amenities and quirky characteristics.

• Jimmy Durante [06:02]: "A canter where the mountains meet the dirt. Go de fellow, if you have to hop your shirt at night."

b. Green Bay, Wisconsin [18:45-21:16] In Green Bay, Wisconsin, Durante and Dick d'Amore engage in slapstick antics involving a moose, leading to humorous mishaps.

• Jimmy Durante [20:10]: "Look out, Victor. Look out. That moose is coming towards us."
• Dick d'Amore [20:26]: "Good. I run into the bush, chase out the moose, and when he runs by..."

c. Las Vegas, Nevada [21:14-23:37] The gang navigates the glitz and glamour of Las Vegas, poking fun at casino culture and their own misadventures.

• Jimmy Durante [22:08]: "Why, this is Las Vegas, partner. Not only do you save money here, you make money."

d. Wiggle World, West Virginia [23:37-26:24] Attempting to fish in Wiggle World, the group interacts with the eccentric Hot Breath Houlihan, leading to comical situations.

• Hot Breath Houlihan [25:07]: "I've been fishing for suckers. You're the third today."

Throughout these segments, the interplay between Durante, Dick d'Amore, and Peggy Lee provides a rich tapestry of humor and camaraderie.

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5. Musical Interlude

Peggy Lee graces the show with a captivating performance of "Jamesy Bolero," adding a melodic and soothing break amidst the comedic chaos.

• Peggy Lee [13:15]: "Jamesy Bolero, Mr. Boggy Lily Valero... Larue, larue lily bolero..."

Her rendition not only entertains but also serves as a charming contrast to the show's lively banter.

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6. Humorous Interactions and Banter

The episode is peppered with witty exchanges and playful teasing among the cast, highlighting their chemistry and comedic timing.

• Jimmy Durante [12:15]: "If you two miss me, I'm playing gin rummy with a little old lady in the front row, Durani."
• Jefferson "Dick" d'Amore [10:33]: "Well, Jimmy, I'm just not as strong as I was when I worked as a chorus boy at the Amsterdam in New York."

These interactions deepen the show's entertainment value, making characters relatable and endearing.

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7. Concluding Remarks and Final Adventures

As the vacation survey concludes, Durante and his team reflect on their misadventures, reinforcing the humor that no matter where one goes in America, there's always something unexpected around the corner.

• Jimmy Durante [26:24]: "Somebody has been in these mountains before. Victor, that completes our survey. No matter where you go in this country, you can have a good time. Take me home."

The episode wraps up with heartfelt yet humorous goodbyes, leaving listeners with a sense of nostalgia and amusement.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Jimmy Durante [16:48]: "If I'm elected, I'm gonna give every man, woman and child in the United States a two weeks vacation with all expenses paid."
• Jimmy Durante [03:24]: "With a cabinet like that, I'll be too busy taking care of the females."
• Jimmy Durante [20:10]: "Look out, Victor. Look out. That moose is coming towards us."
• Hot Breath Houlihan [25:07]: "I've been fishing for suckers. You're the third today."
• Jimmy Durante [26:24]: "No matter where you go in this country, you can have a good time."

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Conclusion

"The Jimmy Durante Show 48-03-24 (25) Vacations" masterfully blends humor, satire, and music to transport listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio. Through its engaging dialogues, memorable characters, and comedic escapades, the episode not only entertains but also offers a nostalgic glimpse into classic radio storytelling. Whether reminiscing about political satire or chuckling at vacation misadventures, this episode stands as a testament to Jimmy Durante's timeless appeal and the enduring charm of old-time radio.

Transcript

[Howard Petrie]

Good health to all from Rexall. From Hollywood, it's the Jimmy Duranty Show. 10,000 Rex doll drug stores who carry the complete line of top quality Rexall drug products. Bring you the Jimmy Durante show with Peggy Lee, Roy Vargy and his orchestra, the Crew Chiefs quartet, yours truly, Howard Petrie and our cuddlesome Casanova, Dick d' Amore. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen. The man who last week relinquished his time on the air so the president could speak. The one and only Jimmy Durante. In present.

[Jimmy Durante]

You've got a start off we take with a sock. And furthermore, my constituent, even when things go wrong, and I shall go before con. Feel better. You even look better.

[Howard Petrie]

We will lower taxes, raise the tariff.

[Jimmy Durante]

And equalize the status Quo. Please, please, Mr. Truman, you took my place last week. I gotta make a living too.

[Howard Petrie]

Gosh, Jimmy, it must have been quite a surprise for a lot of people tuning in last week and hearing the President instead of you. Tell me, how did the president do?

[Jimmy Durante]

I guess he didn't get enough lasts. He only lasted one week. If Harry's nose was 2 inches longer, my job would be in jeopard.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, it's good to have you back, Jim. When you were off the air last week, the airways just weren't the same. I missed your vivacious personality and lovable bon modes.

[Jimmy Durante]

Get used to them, folks. This guy is in radio to stay.

[Howard Petrie]

I snoz you're gayer than this season's Easter bonnet.

[Jimmy Durante]

Why shouldn't I be? Howard, it's spring. Ah, I can always tell when it's spring. John L. Lewis comes up out of the ground.

[Howard Petrie]

Hey, Snaz, before we go any further, I wish you'd enlighten me on the presidential success. Gets more confusing every day. First they wanted to draft Eisenhower. Then they called for Stassen. Then they called for Bricker.

[Jimmy Durante]

Yeah, Howard. And now the confusion is even more confusion. Listen to the latest candidate they're calling for. He won't make much of a president, but it'll come in handy for emptying ashtrays around the White House. This candidate is so short, he has to put on elevator shoes to sit down.

[Howard Petrie]

Say, what else is new on the political horizon? Jimmy, I understand the south is thinking about putting up their own candidate. In your opinion, who would it be?

[Jimmy Durante]

Well, the governor of Ala. That void always mixes me up. Well, the governor of Alabama might have a chance of his lips hold out. They always want to sail Hambra. But I'm not worried about him, Howard, because when the people hear about the cabinet, I'VE got lined up, I'm a cinch to get elected. Why?

[Howard Petrie]

Whom have you got in your cabinet?

[Jimmy Durante]

Jimmy, listen to this lineup. Secretary of State Esther Williams, Secretary of the Treasury Doherty Lamour, Secretary of the Interior Greer Garson and Postmaster General Duranty.

[Howard Petrie]

Jimmy, you mean. You mean you're going to take care of the males?

[Jimmy Durante]

Definitely not. With a cabinet like that, I'll be too busy taking care of the females. Boy, will I enjoy playing post office.

[Howard Petrie]

You're a ladies man and you'll get the vote of every woman in the country.

[Jimmy Durante]

Indubitably so, Howard. Because I've got a plan that will improve domestic relations 97%.

[Howard Petrie]

What's your suggestion, Jim?

[Jimmy Durante]

From now on, before retiring, women gotta stop putting their hair up in little pieces of paper tied with strings.

[Howard Petrie]

Why?

[Jimmy Durante]

How can a guy be romantic when his wife looks like 20 cents weight of teabags? And now, in keeping with my democratic principles, I'm throwing the floor open to discussion. If there's anybody in this audience that's got anything to say, I want them to come right out and say it now. Mr. Durante, I've listened to your half brain ideas and in my opinion, you're a political nincompoop, a pipsqueak and an Oz nazpony. That'll teach him to beat around the bush.

[Howard Petrie]

Nas. I'm afraid the strain of the campaign is beginning to show on you. Have you ever thought about a vacation?

[Jimmy Durante]

Have I? I even picked out the place. When it comes to a vacation, I'm a commissure. Now's the time to plan your vacation, folks, to get away from all the congestion. But before you make preparation, folks, I'd like to offer you a suggestion. Now, lots of you might prefer Del Mar, where the turf meets the surf. But I prefer Pismo beach, where the debris meets the sea. I took a trip there last week, laid down on the sand, fell asleep with my nose waving in the breeze. And what happened? A guy wrapped a bun around it, smeared it with mustard and sold it. 7. Looking for a new vacation spot. I walked into a travel bureau and a clerk tried to sell me a ticket to Alabama, Miami, Malibu, Rome, Alaska, Madagascar, Finland, Italy and Greece. I said, nothing doing. I'm not going anyplace I can't get to before Russia does. Suddenly, my eye caught a glimpse of a sign covered with dust that said, Si pocatanta. Mexico, Land of the world. Tacos. I felt so sorry for Pocata. People were buying tickets to Bermuda, the Catskill Mountains. Some were even buying tickets to Africa for the Malaria season. But nobody was buying a ticket to.

[Peggy Lee]

Go.

[Jimmy Durante]

A canter where the mountains meet the dirt Go de fellow if you have to hop your shirt at night they gather at the st glare to do the Poca Tanta stomp and the moonlight is so beautiful on miles and miles of swamp oh, the Tanta will be famous by and by the gophers go to die Hear the music of the toad and a cricket in the ticket if you go make sure you've got a round trip Save your dough and go, go, go to CIO Cio Tanto. As we slowly drift into the suburbs of Poco Tanto, we find that it is situated on the borderline of Mexico and California. Sometimes Poca Tanto's in Mexico and sometimes it's in California. It's according to which way the wind is blowing. It's a dainty town It's a petite town It's a small town why the population's so small the mosquitoes go around biting each other as we drift closer. Believe it or not, they got one grocery store, one drugstore, one clothing store. In fact, that's all they got. One store. They used to have two stores. But the mayor of the town likes to whittle so say you don't and go, go, go to Peo C O Not the real but the P O C O Cato.

[Victor Moore]

If you want to be sure that the product is pure when you ask for a drug preparation, buy the Rexall line at the Rexall sign of Rexall identification.

[Howard Petrie]

Yes, you can be sure that more than 2,000 different drug products are pure when they bear the name Rexall. For the familiar name Rexall stands for purity, quality and reliability in a complete line of drug products. It's no wonder that Rexall is won first place in the medicine cabinets of millions of American homes. So for any and for all of your drug needs, always buy Rexall at Rexall drugstores throughout the nation where 25% of America buys its drug product.

[Victor Moore]

If you want to be sure that the product is pure when you ask for drug preparation, buy the Rexall line at the Rexall sign of Rexall identification.

[Howard Petrie]

Good health to all from Rexall.

[Jimmy Durante]

Ah, Mr. Petley, when you talk about Rexall, your voice is really melliflurious. And I say that with the dictionary in my other suit, you know, schnoz with your diction.

[Howard Petrie]

I can't understand why you didn't win an Academy Award.

[Jimmy Durante]

I was foiled by the fickle finger of fate. The last picture I made wasn't even Released in time, it was called the Painted Desert. Where the Rio Grande meets the Alamo on the lone prairie Where Cactus Pete meets two gun techs in the saddle by the sage.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, what's it about?

[Jimmy Durante]

Snoz two medical students in Vienna. But not wanting to disappoint our audience, tonight, we're proud to present us a special feature. The winner of the Academy Award, Loretta Young. Oh, wait a minute. You're not Loretta.

[Dick d'Amore]

I know, but ain't I young?

[Jimmy Durante]

Why is Victor Moore. Ah, Victor. Victor, seeing you again. As you know, we were separated last week when President Truman spoke and you were off the show the week before that. How do you feel after two weeks vacation?

[Dick d'Amore]

Ah, Jimmy, I'm in the pink. It was just what I needed to bring back the old Victor. I spent every day getting myself in shape. Here, feel a muscle in my arm.

[Jimmy Durante]

Okay, Victor.

[Dick d'Amore]

I said feel it, not squeeze it.

[Jimmy Durante]

Victor, I'd like to put my arms around you, but Dr. Balon warned me not to take any long trips.

[Dick d'Amore]

Well, you know, Jimmy, I might as well face it. I'm just not as strong as I was when I worked as a chorus boy at the Amsterdam in New York.

[Jimmy Durante]

Just a minute, Victor. You were in the chorus at the Amsterdam Theater?

[Dick d'Amore]

That's right.

[Jimmy Durante]

Third from the end.

[Dick d'Amore]

Uh huh.

[Jimmy Durante]

Were you the one who did the solo in the Waterfall number?

[Dick d'Amore]

Yeah, that was me.

[Jimmy Durante]

No wonder you didn't answer my mash notes.

[Dick d'Amore]

You mean you were cuddled?

[Jimmy Durante]

Ananda plume of my ute. And to think I wasted that perfume butcher paper on you. But blended from the nostalgias to the inconsequential. Tell me, where did you go on your vacation?

[Dick d'Amore]

Well, Jimmy, the doctor told me to get plenty of rest and drink lots of milk. So I checked into a small hotel and took my cow with me.

[Jimmy Durante]

How could you get a cow into your hotel room?

[Dick d'Amore]

Easy. We registered it as Mr. And Mrs.

[Jimmy Durante]

Must have been a little crowded in the shower.

[Dick d'Amore]

How did the show go the week I was away?

[Jimmy Durante]

Extemporaneous, Victor, extemporaneous. In your place we had Van Johnson, the star of the new Metro Golden Mayor picture. The Bride goes Wild. There's no laugh there, folks. But for saying that MGM is sending me a free bride that goes wild. But here's somebody who drives me wild every week. It's Peggy Lee in present. Ah, Peggy, just like always. It's good to see you.

[Peggy Lee]

Aw, thanks, Jimmy. Hi, Victor. I miss my little poopsie pie.

[Dick d'Amore]

I miss you too, Peggy Poo.

[Peggy Lee]

Ah, Victor, you're a regular little lambikin.

[Dick d'Amore]

And you're a cuddle bunny.

[Peggy Lee]

Oh, but you're a sugar bun.

[Dick d'Amore]

You're a dolly.

[Jimmy Durante]

If you two miss me, I'm playing gin rummy with a little old lady in the front row Durani. You're just like parsley on a fish. You look good, but nobody wants you.

[Peggy Lee]

Ah, you know how I feel about you, schnoz. It's just that I don't know. Since Victor's vacation, he looks like such a rugged outdoor type.

[Jimmy Durante]

I'm the outdoor type too, Peggy. Partly because I like fresh air and partly because nobody ever invites me in. Why, on my last hunting trip, I trailed an elk for seven miles. And when I caught up to him. What a tussle.

[Dick d'Amore]

What happened?

[Jimmy Durante]

That elk is now wearing three of my teeth on his watch chain. I didn't mind that, but he forgot to give me the secret handshake. But enough of this aisle bandage. Peggy, how about a song? We'll sing one.

[Peggy Lee]

I'd be gladstood. Jamesy Bolero, Mr. Boggy Lily Valero That's a magic saying that I heard one day in Napoli When a fortune teller in a dim lit cellar said to me, you say Larue Lily Valero and just like that, quick as an arrow you sign the boy who meant for you and sure enough it all came true. Larue, Larue lily bolero you say la rue lily bolero and just like that, quick as an arrow you'd find the boy who's meant for you and sure enough it all came true. Larue, Larue Lily bolero Larue, Larue Lily bolero.

[Howard Petrie]

Here's a 60 second story from the Rexall Laboratory.

[Unknown]

How blue is blue? Is a question that the human eye just can't answer. But it's a question that must be answered in the Rexall Control Laboratory. For in many liquid compounds, the intensity of color determines the amount of vitamin A. And that's when science comes to the rescue of the human eye. The Rexall Control Laboratory uses an instrument called the colorimeter. With an infallible eye in the form of a photoelectric cell, the colorimeter's eye sees all and knows all. It measures the depth of color and the strength of the compound instantly and accurately. The colorimeter is only one of the many scientific instruments used daily in the great Rexall Control Laboratory. But it's one more reason why you can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall.

[Howard Petrie]

So for any and for all of your household drug needs, always buy Rexall at Rexall drugstores everywhere.

[Victor Moore]

If you want to be sure that the product is pure. When you ask for drug preparation, buy the Rexall line at the Rexall. Sign a Rexall identification.

[Howard Petrie]

Good health to all from Rexall.

[Jimmy Durante]

You know, Victor, all this talk about vacations has given me a great idea. I use it as a keystone for my political platform.

[Dick d'Amore]

What are you talking about, Star?

[Jimmy Durante]

Just this, Victor. If I'm elected, I'm gonna give every man, woman and child in the United States a two weeks vacation with all expenses paid. Hello? Durante speaking. Mr. Durante, I just heard about your two week vacation plan and I think it's great. Now, if you can arrange my vacation, I'm willing to leave right now. Good. Who is this speaking? Number 57136, Alcatraz. I think my party was just hung up.

[Dick d'Amore]

Jimmy, I don't like to be a wet blanket, but if the government is going to pay for all those vacations, isn't it going to run into a good deal of money?

[Jimmy Durante]

This man is talking like a Republican. By Victor, it's up to us to find an inexpensive place for the people to go. Are you with us, Peggy?

[Peggy Lee]

Well, where are we gonna go?

[Jimmy Durante]

We'll make a survey on the vacation situation and give our report to the nation. Any state in the 48 is great.

[Victor Moore]

The 48 is great. And any state is a reason we should celebrate.

[Peggy Lee]

We ought to celebrate. And if you are wishing for hunting or f Consult any child, We've got.

[Jimmy Durante]

A nation that's full of relaxation.

[Dick d'Amore]

Jimmy, I'm ready to start.

[Jimmy Durante]

We have a magic carpet to take this trip.

[Victor Moore]

We pull a string and away we rip.

[Jimmy Durante]

Victor. Peggy, how do you like my magic carpet?

[Peggy Lee]

Ah, terrific, Jimmy. How much does it cost you?

[Jimmy Durante]

$8,000.

[Dick d'Amore]

$8,000? How come it costs so much for a magic carpet?

[Jimmy Durante]

I bought it from a used carpet dealer. I got a million of them. A million of them? Any state in the 48 is great.

[Dick d'Amore]

See, I have no idea where we are.

[Jimmy Durante]

Now don't let it bother you, Victor. You'll know soon enough.

[Peggy Lee]

Hey, I know that town.

[Victor Moore]

It's Wisconsin.

[Peggy Lee]

And the city is called Green Bay.

[Victor Moore]

They say it's famous for football.

[Peggy Lee]

That's not the only reason.

[Jimmy Durante]

It's also famous for its hunting season.

[Victor Moore]

You can hunt wilder bear and feather.

[Peggy Lee]

Spend a day that's really pleasant in Green Bay. Well, there's your first vacation spot, fellas. Go on down and see if that's what you're looking for. I'll pick you up on the next cadenza.

[Jimmy Durante]

Come on, Victor, let's go.

[Dick d'Amore]

Jimmy, this is awful wild looking country. Do you think we can find our way out of here?

[Jimmy Durante]

Don't worry, Victor. I've arranged for the best guide in Wisconsin to meet us here. Hey, Schooch.

[Peggy Lee]

Yo, Leo.

[Jimmy Durante]

Hello. This is where you told us to meet you. Where are we anyway? Well, let me see now. Wisconsin is bounded on the south by Lake Roster, on the east by Lake Proster, on the other side by Lake Grauster. Now, according to the calculations which is accumulated on my Compass, we are 44 degrees east of latitude 16, longitude 38. What does all that mean?

[Howard Petrie]

We're lost.

[Jimmy Durante]

I think we picked the wrong spot, Victor. How can I tell the voters to come here? Why, there isn't even any food.

[Dick d'Amore]

You're wrong, Jimmy. Look in that clump of bushes over there. I can see the antlers of a moose. You like moose meat, Jimmy?

[Jimmy Durante]

Sure.

[Dick d'Amore]

You like it rare?

[Jimmy Durante]

That's the way I like it.

[Dick d'Amore]

Good. I run into the bush, chase out the moose, and when he runs by.

[Jimmy Durante]

Yes, bite him good. I can use his tail for a napkin. Look out, Victor. Look out. Look out. That moose is coming towards us.

[Dick d'Amore]

I told you, Jimmy. You ran right between my legs and these antlers stuck on my pants.

[Jimmy Durante]

What a catastrophe. But don't worry, Victor. We'll have your pants stuffed and set them up in the hallway.

[Dick d'Amore]

What good will that do?

[Jimmy Durante]

You'll have the biggest hat rack in Wisconsin. Let's go. Any state in the 48 is great.

[Dick d'Amore]

Say, there's a town. But it's all lit up. Let's keep going.

[Peggy Lee]

Hey, not so fast, man down. There's a real relaxin town.

[Jimmy Durante]

Do you know where we are, Peggy?

[Peggy Lee]

Do? Yes, that's Las Vegas, Nevada. And it doesn't matter if you're rich or broke.

[Jimmy Durante]

You spend and you lend, you make many a friend. This town's okie doke.

[Peggy Lee]

You play at roulette?

[Dick d'Amore]

Gee, should I make a bet?

[Peggy Lee]

The name of the town is.

[Jimmy Durante]

Moss? Freedom.

[Peggy Lee]

Go on, fellas. See if you can relax a little. I'll be waiting on the downbeat. But watch it now. No gambling.

[Jimmy Durante]

Don't worry about us, Peggy. Come on, Victor. Well, Las Vegas, what a town. Where men are men and women are women. Which is a pretty nice arrangement on those long winter nights.

[Dick d'Amore]

Gosh, Jimmy, just think. Here in Las Vegas we could get a divorce in six weeks.

[Jimmy Durante]

Why, Victor, how can you say that? We've been so happy together.

[Dick d'Amore]

Well, that's. Go into this casino here and get on with our vacation survey.

[Jimmy Durante]

Okay, lead the way. Pardon me, stranger. I'M Jimmy Duranty candidate for vice presidency. Tell me, is this a good spot for an inexpensive vacation? Why, this is Las Vegas, partner. Not only do you save money here, you make money. Just put a nickel in that slot machine and see what you win. All right. Here goes. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What's going on here? This is an outrage. I'll smash this machine to pieces. Hold on there, stranger. Wait a minute. What are you smashing up my machine for? It's crooked. I just hit two cherries, three oranges and three plums, and all that came out was nickels.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, what about it?

[Jimmy Durante]

When Duranty wins a fruit salad, he expects to get it. Looks, buzzard beak, if you know what's good for you, you'll scram out of here.

[Dick d'Amore]

Now, just a minute, buddy. You're talking to a friend of mine. I don't like the tone of your voice. I'd let you have it if it wasn't for one thing.

[Jimmy Durante]

Yeah, what's that?

[Dick d'Amore]

I forgot where I put it.

[Jimmy Durante]

We're off again. Any state in the 48th is great.

[Peggy Lee]

Hey, you two fellas have the wrong idea. If you want an inexpensive vacation, the cheapest sport is fishing.

[Dick d'Amore]

Yeah, all you need is a rod and a bent pen.

[Jimmy Durante]

Well, do you know a good spot, Victor?

[Dick d'Amore]

Not only do I know the spot, we're here already. Where? And Wiggle World, West Virginia.

[Peggy Lee]

Where the fish are fat and the worms ain't skinny.

[Victor Moore]

See how all the fish will fight.

[Jimmy Durante]

To see which one gets the first bite?

[Dick d'Amore]

Oh, Wiggle Worm.

[Peggy Lee]

Ah, there's the spot, fellas. Why, the people around here are so lazy. The fish are baiting the hooks themselves. I'll meet you at the Intermezzo.

[Jimmy Durante]

Down we go, Victor. Gosh, the public will love this place.

[Dick d'Amore]

Yeah. We've only been here five minutes. We got two fish already.

[Howard Petrie]

Hey, hey, you two. Can't you see that sign? No fishing allowed.

[Jimmy Durante]

We weren't fishing, Mr. Game Warden.

[Howard Petrie]

Oh, no? Then how did those two fish get in your frying pan?

[Jimmy Durante]

Suicide pack. The little one had a hard life. She was married to a pickled heron. Oh, yeah?

[Howard Petrie]

Well, those two fish are under 14 inches. Throw them back. The next time I catch you pulling them in on the 14 inches, I'll give you a summons.

[Jimmy Durante]

Rowdy.

[Dick d'Amore]

Hey, Jimmy, look. Beautiful girl. Just came up out of the lake under the shore.

[Jimmy Durante]

You're right, Victor, this is amazing.

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Relax, boys. It's Hot Breath Houlihan.

[Jimmy Durante]

Stand back. You're starting a brush fire in my sideburns. But wait a minute. Hot Breath? How tall Are you five foot four?

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

And a half.

[Jimmy Durante]

Thank goodness. For a minute I thought I'd have to throw you back.

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

I've been doing a little fishing myself. I've been fishing for suckers.

[Jimmy Durante]

Did you have any luck?

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

You're the third today. But I kind of like your flute. Snoot. And you, too. Love a lips.

[Dick d'Amore]

It gets around. It gets.

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Say, say. You there with a beak, you. You do something to me.

[Jimmy Durante]

I do?

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

Yeah. You know, muscles, looking at you does something to me. You're the first man that's ever been in these mountains. Kiss me, you beast.

[Jimmy Durante]

There.

[Hot Breath Houlihan]

What have you got to say now?

[Jimmy Durante]

Somebody has been in these mountains before. Victor, that completes our survey. No matter where you go in this country, you can have a good time. Take me home. Any state in the 48th is great.

[Peggy Lee]

Green Bay, Las Vegas.

[Victor Moore]

You can travel north, south, east or west.

[Peggy Lee]

No matter what you want. You're sure to get the best.

[Victor Moore]

It's great.

[Peggy Lee]

Wonderful.

[Victor Moore]

Good health to all from Rexall. We hope you're feeling fine. So always call for Rex Rexall. Where you see the Rex all side.

[Howard Petrie]

Remember, 25 of America buys its drug needs in Rexall drugstores. Rexall is that large and respected family of more than 2,000 different drug products. You can depend on any drug product that bears the name Rexall. Available in Rexall drugstores everywhere.

[Jimmy Durante]

To Shea, Howard and I'd like to add. I do my shopping at a Rexall store. Buying Rexall drugs and uphold them umbrel go heap for frozen too. We buy Rexall, that's all. How do you do? Who will be with you when we're far away? When you far up? Let me hear that. I know. What a note.

[Howard Petrie]

An exhilarating note, Mr. Duranti.

[Jimmy Durante]

A note of exuberance, Mr. Petrie.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, Jim, I guess you're all set for the Easter parade on Sunday.

[Jimmy Durante]

I'll say, Howard. I hope I make the impression I made last year. Why, I was the picture of sartorial splendor. I even used adhesive tape to hold up my socks.

[Howard Petrie]

Jim, why did you use adhesive tape?

[Jimmy Durante]

Thumbtacks. Hate.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, Rexall. For tonight, folks. From Victor Moore, Peggy Lee, Roy Vargy, the crew chief. Quartet, Dave Barry. And yours truly, Howard petrie.

[Jimmy Durante]

Good night, Mrs. Calaban, wherever you are.

[Howard Petrie]

This program was produced and directed by Phil Cohan. Good health to all from Rexon.

[Jimmy Durante]

Good night, folks. Have a happy Easter.

[Howard Petrie]

This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.