The Lum And Abner Show 1948-11-21-Thanksgiving Dinner With Lum

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: The Lum and Abner Show (1948-11-21) – "Thanksgiving Dinner With Lum"

Date: November 9, 2025

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Episode Overview

This classic episode of The Lum and Abner Show takes listeners back to Pine Ridge for a Thanksgiving-themed comedic escapade. Lum, eager to impress a visiting lady, Miss Rowena (cousin of Ezra C. Strunk), finds himself spinning tall tales about his home and lifestyle, which quickly unravel into a series of absurd misadventures involving imaginary mansions, reluctant butlers, fake French chefs, and a borrowed house. The episode humorously explores themes of pride, pretension, and the pitfalls of stretching the truth.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Lum’s Overblown Boasting and Its Consequences

• Lum is invited (or hopes to be invited) to Thanksgiving dinner by Miss Rowena, but brags about his own supposed 30-room mansion and French chef.

  • [02:27–06:06]
    • Lum talks himself into trouble, exaggerating his home, servants, and social position to impress Miss Rowena.

• Abner’s skepticism and dry wit immediately puncture Lum’s claims.

  • Abner calls out Lum’s tendency for trouble.
    • [03:13] Abner: “Why don’t you stay away from her? The other time she’s here, you got to bragging on yourself and just got yourself in trouble. And you’ll do the same thing again.”

2. The Elaborate Thanksgiving Dinner Plot

• After being put on the spot, Lum invites Miss Rowena to “his” for a grand dinner, despite having neither a mansion nor servants.

  • [06:48–08:49]
    • A flustered Lum desperately tries to recruit Abner to act as an English butler ("Hawkins") and Ben Withers as the French chef ("Alphonse").

• Ben Withers and Abner both protest their assigned roles, but Lum schemes regardless.

  • [08:36] Abner: “In the first place, I can't cook. In the second place, I can't talk French. In the third place, I wouldn't do it in the first place.”

3. Borrowing a House… and a Bug Problem

• Realizing he can't host in his own home, Lum seizes on the idea of using the Bates’ house while they’re away — being fumigated.

  • [11:14–13:29]
    • Walt Bates agrees to let Lum and crew camp out as long as they don’t light any matches due to the chemicals.
    • Abner’s summary: “Yeah, they’re going to some place called the Bugler joint…”

• The trio plots to use the Bates’ kitchen and even considers lighting a fire in the potentially hazardous, fumigated house, setting up an impending comedic disaster.

4. The Farcical Dinner Preparation

• Lum scrambles to assemble his ‘staff’, complete with ridiculous costumes and accents, while Abner grumbles about the discomfort and absurdity of his butler attire.

  • [17:17] Abner: “Mom, I ain't gonna wear that thing. Them britches is for a boy. They just come to my knees.”
  • Ben Withers, forced into role of French chef, adamantly refuses and threatens to sever relations.
    • [17:51] Ben Withers: “I refuse to wear this costume. I am severing relations with you as of now.”

• Cedric is eventually roped in as the ‘French chef,’ whose culinary skills are nonexistent, so store-bought food is grudgingly chosen.

5. Dinner Disaster Cometh

• Miss Rowena arrives to a house full of “servants” with questionable English accents and an awkward formality.

  • [21:06–22:20]
    • Abner delivers lines like, “Tally ho and Piccadilly!” as he attempts to act the part.

• The dinner quickly falls apart:

  • Food is stuck to plates, reeks of shellac, and none of the servants actually serve. Miss Rowena finds the entire ordeal both dreadful and endearing.
  • [26:05] Miss Rowena: “Mr. Edwards, I… I hate to bring this up, but my food seems to be all stuck to the plate.”

• Lum finally confesses his deception, expecting scorn, but Miss Rowena finds his gesture charming instead.

  • [27:09] Lum: “I may as well tell you the truth. Yes, you're gonna hate me. But this ain't my house and these ain't my servants. I ain't nothing at all. And I know you'll never speak to me again as long as you live. And I don't blame you.”
  • [27:09] Miss Rowena: “Why, you dear, sweet boy. Going through all that trouble just for little old me. Oh, I think you're wonderful.”

6. Fallout and Final Laughs

• Lum is left fretting over the impending consequences when the Bates family returns, knowing their house will never be the same.
  • [29:06] Lum: “Yeah, a little better, but Granny’s. Abner, when Walt Bates gets back and sees his house, he’s going to hit the ceiling.”
  • [29:13] Abner: “Hit the ceiling? He’ll have to find it first.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Servants and Social Status:

  • [05:01] Miss Rowena: “But I am speaking. Speaking of the servant problem, Mr. Edwards, you know how one suffers from that nowadays.”
  • [05:11] Lum: “Oh, who does? One? I suffer something stupendous from it.”

• On Absurdity of Pretension:

  • [06:15] Miss Rowena: “Do you have a solarium?”
  • [06:15] Lum: “No, I never cared much for swimming.”

• On Emergency ‘Staffing’:

  • [08:36] Abner: “In the first place, I can't cook. In the second place, I can't talk French. In the third place, I wouldn't do it in the first place.”

• On Fumigating the House:

  • [12:21] Walt Bates: “If you do have to go in the house for any reason before that, whatever you do, don't light no matches, blow you clean out of here. Now, remember, don't light no matches, see?”

• On Dinner Gone Wrong:

  • [26:05] Miss Rowena: “Mr. Edwards, I… I hate to bring this up, but my food seems to be all stuck to the plate.”
  • [26:16] Miss Rowena: “And if you’ll pardon my saying so, it all smells like shellac.”

• On Lum’s Honest Confession:

  • [27:09] Lum: “This ain't my house and these ain't my servants. I ain't nothing at all…”
  • [27:09] Miss Rowena: “Why, you dear, sweet boy. Going through all that trouble just for little old me. Oh, I think you’re wonderful.”

• On Aftermath:

  • [29:13] Abner: “Hit the ceiling? He’ll have to find it first.”

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:27–06:06] — Lum speaks with Miss Rowena, starts digging a hole of boasts
• [06:48–08:49] — Lum enlists Abner and Ben in his scheme
• [11:14–13:29] — The “borrowed” Bates house plan and bug bomb hazards
• [17:17–18:03] — Staff in costume; Ben Withers' protest
• [21:06–22:20] — Miss Rowena arrives, begins the comic “high class” dinner farce
• [26:05–27:09] — Dinner disaster and Lum’s confession
• [29:06–29:13] — Closing post-dinner remarks, looming consequences

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Tone and Delivery

The comedic tone is marked by homespun wit, puns, and gentle pokes at social pretension and rural ingenuity. Lum’s bluster is met at every turn by Abner’s unflappable realism and quips, Ben Withers’ obliviousness, and Miss Rowena’s bemused, ultimately kind-hearted reception.

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Summary

A classic slice of radio comedy, this episode captures all the warmth, cleverness, and gentle satire that made The Lum and Abner Show a staple of American entertainment. From pratfalls with English accents to the perils of bug bombs, listeners are treated to a Thanksgiving tale about the humor—and heart—in muddling through mishaps with good intentions.

Transcript

[Narrator/Announcer]

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[Lum Edwards]

Granny's Abner. I believe that's our ring.

[Narrator/Announcer (Bridget Eyre)]

Bridget Eyre presents the new Lum and Abner Show. Tonight, Brigidaire, a division of General Motors, brings you a brand new kind of visit for those old characters down in Pine Ridge. Featuring Clarence Hartzell as Ben Withers, the music of Felix Mills, and starring your.

[Lum Edwards]

Old favorite, Love and Amber.

[Narrator/Announcer (Bridget Eyre)]

America's number one refrigerator is Frigidaire. Yes, any way you look at it, America's number one refrigerator is Frigidaire. Number one in popularity for more Frigidaire refrigerators serve in more American homes than any other make. Number one in thrilling new advantages, as you can see for yourself at any Frigidaire dealers, and number one in dependability. For Frigidaire refrigerators are made only by General Motors. And this association of experience with experience of skill with skill, is your guarantee of lasting satisfaction. So when it comes to a new refrigerator for your home, remember this. The first name you think of is the right one to buy Frigidaire, America's number one refrigerator. As we look in on the little community of Pine Ridge today, we find the old fellows in their jot em down store. Lum is talking on the telephone.

[Lum Edwards]

Listen. Well, this sure is a pleasant surprise, Ms. Rowenie. Why, sure, Ms. Rowenie.

[Abner Peabody]

Why, sure, Ms. RowenIE.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, but. Yes, Ms. Rowenie. Oh, but.

[Abner Peabody]

Beans, Ms. RowenI.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, that'll be just wonderful, Ms. RowenI.

[Ben Withers]

Oh, Lord.

[Abner Peabody]

All meat, huh?

[Lum Edwards]

Yes, Mom. Goodbye, Granny Zabner. Guess who that was?

[Abner Peabody]

Grover Cleveland.

[Lum Edwards]

Now, you recollect that cousin of Ezra SE Strunk that was here one time before?

[Abner Peabody]

Sure, I know who you mean. Are you done talking to her now?

[Lum Edwards]

Yeah, sure. What?

[Abner Peabody]

Well, take the receiver out of your pocket and hang it up there.

[Lum Edwards]

How'd that get in there?

[Abner Peabody]

Mom, why don't you stay away from her? The other time she's here, you got to bragging on yourself and just got yourself in trouble. And you'll do the same thing again.

[Lum Edwards]

I will not. She just got in town and she's dropping over here to invite me to take Thanksgiving dinner with her. Why?

[Abner Peabody]

Did she mention it?

[Lum Edwards]

No.

[Abner Peabody]

Did she talk about eating?

[Lum Edwards]

No.

[Abner Peabody]

Did she bring up the word Thanksgiving?

[Lum Edwards]

Well, no.

[Abner Peabody]

Mom, if you do go over, I'D suggest you pack yourself a little lunch.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, she'll invite me, don't you worry. I'll work the conversation around to where she will.

[Abner Peabody]

Yeah, but Thanksgiving will be over by then.

[Lum Edwards]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. There she comes across the street now. Oh, look at that walk, Abner. You go back in the feed room or any place. You sort of warp my personality.

[Abner Peabody]

It was pretty well bent when I first met you.

[Lum Edwards]

Now hurry up, Abner, and don't sit back there and listen.

[Abner Peabody]

Oh, I wouldn't think so.

[Lum Edwards]

Now listen here, you little snoop.

[Ben Withers]

I beg your father.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, excuse me, Ms. Rowenie.

[Miss Rowena]

Oh, Mr. Edwards. Oh, well, it's delightful to see you again, but. Delightful?

[Lum Edwards]

I'm delightful too. But 2.

[Miss Rowena]

It's so nice being in your quaint little village once more.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, it's dear. As quaint as all get out. Special round Thanksgiving time with folks inviting one another to dinner.

[Miss Rowena]

Well, now that you mention it, Mr. Edwards, I was thinking of inviting you over to the seas chances for Thanksgiving dinner, but I don't know where I could get any domestics.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, well, turkey's plenty good enough for me.

[Miss Rowena]

Oh, I'm referring to servants.

[Lum Edwards]

Well, turkey's good enough for them too.

[Miss Rowena]

But I am speaking. Speaking of the servant problem, Mr. Edwards, you know how one suffers from that nowadays.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, who does? One? I suffer something stupendous from it.

[Miss Rowena]

Of course, if I'd had any sense, I would have brought my chef along with me. The French make by far the best ones, don't you think?

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, by far. I had them make one up for me the other day.

[Miss Rowena]

Oh, do you have one? What's his name?

[Lum Edwards]

Who?

[Miss Rowena]

Your French cook.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, him. Why French? Let's see, I call him Mademoiselle Alphonse.

[Miss Rowena]

Isn't that a rather odd name for him?

[Lum Edwards]

Well, he's a furriner, you know. Oh.

[Miss Rowena]

Oh, yes, yes.

[Lum Edwards]

What time is this Thanksgiving dinner gonna be?

[Miss Rowena]

Well, I'm not sure. I'm not used to entertaining in so small a place as the sea. Strungs is my home in London, Ohio. It wasn't elaborate, but it was adequate. 20 rooms and a solarium. What size place do you have, Mr. Edwards?

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, it ain't much. Just a little 30 room mansion. But it's home to me.

[Miss Rowena]

Do you have a solarium?

[Lum Edwards]

No, I never cared much for swimming. What time did you say for dinner?

[Miss Rowena]

Oh, I don't know. I'm so handicapped here. Do you realize that I don't even have an upstairs maid?

[Abner Peabody]

That ain't nothing. He ain't even got Upstairs?

[Miss Rowena]

Why, who said that?

[Lum Edwards]

Nobody. That was just the wind. Now, about this Thanksgiving dinner. I'd love to have you over to my place, but I ain't got half enough servants to run the mansion right now. And I wouldn't feel right asking you to come over there and rough it.

[Miss Rowena]

Oh, but I'd love that, Mr. Edwards. What time will it be?

[Lum Edwards]

Well, Miss Rowena, you see.

[Miss Rowena]

Oh, do make it for seven. And thank you so much, you dear, sweet boy.

[Abner Peabody]

But, dear Miss Rowena.

[Lum Edwards]

But, Miss Rowena. Oh, man, you shut up.

[Abner Peabody]

I never said a word. You dear, sweet boy.

[Lum Edwards]

Now, cut that out.

[Abner Peabody]

How's everything around the mansion?

[Lum Edwards]

I told you not to listen, you little eavesdrop.

[Abner Peabody]

I told you, you got the only clapboard mansion I ever heard of.

[Lum Edwards]

All right, Abner.

[Abner Peabody]

Where'd all them servants of your sleep? On that one? Horsehair Sophie.

[Lum Edwards]

All right, so I zagorated a little.

[Abner Peabody]

Oh, I don't know, man, is the time I saw that French cook of yours standing over a hot solarium.

[Lum Edwards]

Boing.

[Abner Peabody]

Up a mess of coon and collards.

[Lum Edwards]

Abner, don't you realize the jam I'm in here? I've got to put on a Thanksgiving dinner and a mansion, which I ain't got. With some servants, which I ain't got. This calls for brains.

[Abner Peabody]

Which you ain't got.

[Lum Edwards]

Thanksgiving ain't but a few days off.

[Abner Peabody]

Yeah, I doubt if you could build a mansion by then. Not even with alons helping you.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, I might as well forget the whole thing or kept my big mouth shut.

[Abner Peabody]

Amen, brother.

[Lum Edwards]

Even if I did have a nice place, I don't know where I'd get any servants or. Wait a minute, Abner.

[Abner Peabody]

Oh, no, no, no, you don't.

[Lum Edwards]

Now, listen.

[Abner Peabody]

Now, listen, Mom.

[Lum Edwards]

Abner. No, I ain't ask you anything yet, Mom.

[Abner Peabody]

In the first place, I can't cook. In the second place, I can't talk French. In the third place, I wouldn't do it in the first place.

[Lum Edwards]

All right, then you can be my English butler. No, no.

[Abner Peabody]

I'm going to be eating at home that day with my own little family. And they couldn't get along without me, bless their hearts.

[Lum Edwards]

Amber, you'll be all done at your place for the time I'll need you.

[Abner Peabody]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Lum Edwards]

That takes care of my butler. Now, who can I get for. Wait a minute. There comes Ben Withers. I wonder if he can cook. Hi, Granny's. Come on in here, Ben, old boy. Just a feller I want to see. Can you talk French, Ben?

[Ben Withers]

If you want to learn to speak French. The man you want is Cicero Gundle.

[Lum Edwards]

Who's he?

[Ben Withers]

Yes.

[Lum Edwards]

Look, Ben, all I'm interested in is getting a French cook.

[Ben Withers]

I see. And you want to know how to converse with him in his native tongue.

[Lum Edwards]

No, Ben, I don't.

[Ben Withers]

Fine. Cicero Gundel, Mount Ivy resident, made an exhaustive study of the French language immediately after the first World War. He wanted to learn the meaning of the words of Mademoiselle from Armitage.

[Lum Edwards]

Yeah, well, Ben, I don't.

[Ben Withers]

At the end of five years of concentrated study, he discovered that the song was written in English.

[Abner Peabody]

Well, why couldn't you have told that in the first place?

[Ben Withers]

Cicero Gundal is an Armenian. Ah, now the only trouble as I see it, Lum, before Cicero can teach you French, you'll have to learn Armenian.

[Lum Edwards]

I told you, I don't want to learn no language. I'm just trying to arrange for a Thanksgiving dinner.

[Ben Withers]

Oh, well, the place you want to go then is Tom and Minnie's restaurant.

[Lum Edwards]

But then I don't find a short.

[Ben Withers]

Order house in Mount Ice Topman. Minnie's run by a man named Tom and his wife. Her name is Irene.

[Abner Peabody]

Irene? Well, who's Minnie?

[Ben Withers]

Mine. On Thanksgiving Day you can get a chicken fried steak bear cut from the shape of a turkey wing. Perhaps you've eaten there, love.

[Lum Edwards]

No, I ain't.

[Ben Withers]

Maybe you hit it in 1937. That was the year it was closed up by the Board of Health.

[Lum Edwards]

Ben, all I'm trying to do is put on this dinner for Ezra c. Strunk's cousin, Ms. Rowenie. But I need a batch of servants to do it. Now, Abner here has been assigned to the butler job.

[Abner Peabody]

I never said I'd sign nothing.

[Lum Edwards]

And I thought maybe you could be my French chef, Ben.

[Ben Withers]

Well, thank you very highly, Lum, But I've been invited over to the Walt Bates for dinner that day. That is if they don't go out of town.

[Lum Edwards]

Wait a minute. Is there a chance the Bates's is gonna be gone on Thanksgiving?

[Abner Peabody]

Ah, dog. As long that would be the place for you to sneak into. It ain't zactly a 30 room mansion, but it's the biggest house in town.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, I wouldn't think of such a thing. Hardly. Yeah, call them up and see if they're sure enough gonna leave.

[Abner Peabody]

Yeah, all right, sure.

[Lum Edwards]

But don't let on why you want to know for her.

[Walt Bates]

Hello, Walt Bates speaking.

[Abner Peabody]

Say, Walt, this is Abner Peabody.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, just a minute, Abner. I'm talking business with the feller here. Hold the Phone a second.

[Ben Withers]

Yeah.

[Abner Peabody]

All right.

[Lum Edwards]

Well, that's the deal then, eh, Mr. Viborg? Yep.

[Walt Bates]

And if you folks are leaving tonight, I'll bring my crew in here first thing in the morning and spray this place from top to bottom. When we get done, there won't be a living bug of no kind left in the joint.

[Lum Edwards]

Well, good.

[Walt Bates]

And if any new pests come get in here, they're in for an awful surprise. How soon can we get back in the house? Well, I wouldn't come back till a.

[Abner Peabody]

Few days after Thanksgiving.

[Walt Bates]

But if you do have to go in the house for any reason before that, whatever you do, don't light no matches, blow you clean out of here. Now, remember, don't light no matches, see?

[Lum Edwards]

Don't worry. Don't worry, we won't.

[Walt Bates]

And I'll see you when we get back.

[Ben Withers]

Right.

[Lum Edwards]

So long. Hello, Abner.

[Ben Withers]

Yeah.

[Abner Peabody]

Say, Walt, I was just wondering if you're going to need some groceries for Thanksgiving.

[Walt Bates]

No, no, we're going out of town. Going to debug the joint.

[Abner Peabody]

Oh, well, you'll enjoy it there. Have a nice Thanksgiving and don't hurry.

[Lum Edwards]

And they're sure enough going to be gone, huh?

[Abner Peabody]

Yeah, they're going to some place called the Bugler joint. The Bu.

[Ben Withers]

Junction, perhaps?

[Abner Peabody]

Well, something like that.

[Ben Withers]

Never heard of it.

[Lum Edwards]

Looks like I'm all set then. We'll cook the dinner right over there in Walt's kitchen. Yeah.

[Ben Withers]

Yeah.

[Abner Peabody]

And build up a nice far in that big fireplace of his.

[Lum Edwards]

Yeah.

[Ben Withers]

Yes. And light some candles on the dinner table.

[Lum Edwards]

Wait till Ms. Roweni sees all that. Aye, Granny's. We'll put on the biggest one blowout she's ever been. Oh, me.

[Abner Peabody]

Don't expect no sympathy from me law medards. If you think I'm gonna help you with your Thanksgiving dinner, you got another. Thank you. Coming. Hi, Mr. Edwards.

[Narrator/Announcer (Bridget Eyre)]

It's Peabody. Happy Thanksgiving.

[Abner Peabody]

Well, howdy, Mr. Niles. Yes, it is a happy Thanksgiving for some people.

[Narrator/Announcer (Bridget Eyre)]

Say, didn't I hear something about your needing help with your Thanksgiving dinner, Mr. Edwards? Well, I'm your man. I am your man.

[Lum Edwards]

You are? Well, bless you, Mr. Niles. And bless Brigid Eyre for sending you here. Now, what about the turkey? Is that quite a problem?

[Narrator/Announcer (Bridget Eyre)]

No problem at all for anybody with a roomy new Frigidaire refrigerator. Just prepare your turkey a day or two ahead of Thanksgiving. And keep it in your Frigidaire. There's still plenty of room for other holiday fixings.

[Lum Edwards]

Salad, hot biscuits, maybe.

[Narrator/Announcer (Bridget Eyre)]

Well, salad the same way. Prepare it before you get busy with last minute Cooking. Keep it fresh and crisp in your Frigidaire refrigerator. And really smart cooks mix dough for hot breads or pastries ahead of time.

[Dutch Vet Service Announcer]

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[Narrator/Announcer (Bridget Eyre)]

Even roll it out and cut it. Then keep it safe in their Frigidaire refrigerators or Frigidaire home freezers. And when I say safe, I really mean safe. For the Frigidaire is the only refrigerator with a meter miser, the simplest and most reliable cold making mechanism ever built.

[Abner Peabody]

And can you bake a pumpkin pie, Billy Boy?

[Ben Withers]

Billy Boy?

[Narrator/Announcer (Bridget Eyre)]

Why, a Frigidaire electric range makes any holiday cooking a breeze. One model even has two ovens so you can bake a pie in one while the turkey is roasting in the other. For lots of oven cooking, you don't even have to stay in the kitchen. The Cookmaster oven control turns the oven on and off all by itself. Oh, sure, Thanksgiving dinner's a cinch for anybody with a Frigidaire refrigerator and Frigidaire electric range.

[Lum Edwards]

Well, I'm sure glad you reminded me, Mr. Niles. By the way, what size head have you got?

[Ben Withers]

What?

[Narrator/Announcer (Bridget Eyre)]

What size head? Why, I wear a 708 hat, if that's what you mean.

[Lum Edwards]

But what for your chef's cap? Cuz if I can't find a real cook like you said, you are my man.

[Ben Withers]

Doggies.

[Abner Peabody]

Lum, the Bates has got a nice house here. But don't it seem to you that it smells kind of cutier in here?

[Lum Edwards]

Yeah, it does. But I think when we start the fire in the fireplace, that'll clear everything out of here.

[Abner Peabody]

You want me to light it now?

[Lum Edwards]

No, wait till Ms. Rowena gets here. Yeah, she'll get a big bang out of that. And you better get into your buttle suit.

[Abner Peabody]

Mom, I ain't gonna wear that thing. Them britches is for a boy. They just come to my knees.

[Lum Edwards]

That's where they're supposed to come.

[Abner Peabody]

And them socks are women's stockings. White cotton lol. Just like Elizabeth wears when she dresses up.

[Lum Edwards]

Now Abner, stop fussing. Ben, Withers is having to wear a worse get up than you. And you don't hear him hollering.

[Abner Peabody]

Why, what have you done with him?

[Lum Edwards]

I ain't done nothing. Wait a minute. There he comes now. He's got it on.

[Abner Peabody]

Is that Ben? Oh, for the land sake, don't laugh at him.

[Lum Edwards]

Mom.

[Ben Withers]

I refuse to wear this costume. I am severing relations with you as of now. And that's retroactive from here on.

[Lum Edwards]

Ben, it's too late to back out now. I see. Better check on the vittles. Hey, Alphonse. Oh, Alphonse.

[Abner Peabody]

Yeah. Let's see what he's got on. Come in here, Alphonse.

[Lum Edwards]

Mom.

[Abner Peabody]

Hey, wait a minute. Lum is Cedric.

[Ben Withers]

Alphonse.

[Abner Peabody]

I thought the Frigidaire fell was going to be.

[Lum Edwards]

No, he was, but I found out he couldn't talk French.

[Abner Peabody]

And Cedric can, I suppose. Cedric, let's hear you say something in French.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh.

[Abner Peabody]

What does that mean in English?

[Ben Withers]

Seems to lose something in the translation.

[Lum Edwards]

Alphonse, how are you coming with your chef work?

[Abner Peabody]

Oh, fine.

[Lum Edwards]

I've learned two French words already. Oi, oy.

[Abner Peabody]

Yeah, but have you got the dinner cooked?

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, was I supposed to do that too? For pity's sakes. Well, it's too late to cook it now. Yeah, you better just run down to Luke Spears restaurant and buy everything ready made. And hurry up, Alphonse. Cause Mr. Oween will be here before long. And Abner, get into your buttle duds.

[Abner Peabody]

I ain't going to do it. Now, long, I just plain flat ain't going to do it and that is final. Are the seams in my stocking straight?

[Lum Edwards]

Yeah, they look fine. Might pull them up a little more. Swan, your legs look like two ropes with knots tied in.

[Abner Peabody]

Well, couldn't I just wear a pair of overhauls? Be sort of a country butler?

[Lum Edwards]

No, you're an English butler. Your name's Hawkins.

[Abner Peabody]

Abner Hawkins.

[Lum Edwards]

No, just Hawkins. And recollect that I'm a royalty. I'm a duke or a prince or maybe even an earl, I don't know.

[Abner Peabody]

Now where did you get that out of?

[Lum Edwards]

Well, don't forget my name's Eddard. I go back to the King Edwardses of England.

[Abner Peabody]

I think I wish you'd go back there right now.

[Lum Edwards]

So now be sure and call me the earl. And call Ms. Rowena something high class like her ladyship or something. That'll show her that I'm used to hobnobbing around with the castle crowd. Uh. Oh, Hawkins. Yes? You're Earlship I do believe our guest has a roven.

[Abner Peabody]

I'll get up and let her in.

[Lum Edwards]

That's your job.

[Abner Peabody]

I'll flip you to see who doesn't.

[Lum Edwards]

Now listen, I'm a man of few words. When I crook my finger at you, that means come here.

[Abner Peabody]

Well, I'm a man of few words too. And when I shake my head, that means I ain't coming.

[Lum Edwards]

And for goodness sake, get that door.

[Abner Peabody]

Oh, all right. I'm getting. Oh, good evening, your high class ladyship. Won't you pip, pip into the parlor, old beans?

[Miss Rowena]

I beg your pardon.

[Abner Peabody]

Tally ho and Piccadilly.

[Lum Edwards]

Hawkins, just show the lady in and let it go at that, please.

[Abner Peabody]

Follow me, Duchess. Hey, Earl, look who's here.

[Lum Edwards]

Ah, Ms. Rowini.

[Miss Rowena]

Ah, Mr. Edwards.

[Abner Peabody]

Ah, prattle, prattle.

[Miss Rowena]

Oh, but you do have a lovely place here. But lovely.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, it's all right to knock around in. Keeps me off the street.

[Miss Rowena]

Um, Hawkins, I wonder if you'd mind doing something with my furs.

[Abner Peabody]

Lor, I don't know what to do.

[Lum Edwards]

With them.

[Abner Peabody]

Little sheep dip. Wouldn't hurt him.

[Lum Edwards]

Hawkins. Just take the lady's fur, Mackinaw, and hang it up in the vestibule.

[Abner Peabody]

Yeah, I reckon that's the best thing to do. Get it out of sight.

[Ben Withers]

That's all, Bean.

[Abner Peabody]

Tally ho and blimey.

[Miss Rowena]

You know, Mr. Edwards, your man has a rather peculiar accent.

[Lum Edwards]

Yes, it is culiar.

[Miss Rowena]

What part of England is he from?

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, you know, here and there.

[Miss Rowena]

Is he an Essex man?

[Lum Edwards]

No, the only thing he's ever driv's a Saxon.

[Miss Rowena]

Oh, Mr. Edwards, what a lovely old fireplace you have. Nicely have a fire in it.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, but indeedy.

[Miss Rowena]

A little pyre always livens up a holiday, don't you think?

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, indubious.

[Abner Peabody]

Hawkins, did you buzz your earlship?

[Lum Edwards]

Yes. Hawkins, will you please catch a match to the logs?

[Abner Peabody]

It would be a pleasure indeed, sir.

[Lum Edwards]

Thank you, Hawkins.

[Abner Peabody]

Not at all, your earlship. Got a match on you, Duchess.

[Miss Rowena]

Good job.

[Ben Withers]

Pardon.

[Lum Edwards]

Hawkins, find some matches yourself and hurry up.

[Miss Rowena]

While you're preparing the fire, I. I think I'll powder my nose. Do you have an upstairs maid?

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, but natural.

[Ben Withers]

Uh.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, Bernice.

[Ben Withers]

Wayne.

[Lum Edwards]

Hawkins, will you please desist from that, Gruffle. And Bernice, will you fetch Miss Rowena a powder puff?

[Ben Withers]

Quite.

[Miss Rowena]

Never mind. I'll use my own. Oh, well, is it all right if I smoke?

[Lum Edwards]

Yeah, sure. Go right ahead.

[Miss Rowena]

Do you happen to have a cigarette lighter?

[Lum Edwards]

Yeah. Hawkins, have you found them matches yet?

[Abner Peabody]

Oh, yeah, I forgot about that.

[Ben Withers]

Well, here, I think I have a match.

[Lum Edwards]

That's fine, Bernice.

[Ben Withers]

I'm sure I must have one in my pants pocket.

[Lum Edwards]

Bernice. What?

[Ben Withers]

Oh, my stars. What's the matter with.

[Lum Edwards]

Bernice? You better run out in the kitchen and help Alphonse dish up the vittles. I told him to garnish the plates with a stalk of celery. Now see that he does it.

[Abner Peabody]

Why, Hey, I found a matches. You want to fire up, Duchess?

[Miss Rowena]

Why, yes, thank you.

[Lum Edwards]

Man over here. Hey, dinner served. Loy. Oy. Come and get it.

[Miss Rowena]

Never mind, Hawkins. I'll have the cigarette later.

[Abner Peabody]

Yeah, all right. Sure, sure. Let's get in there. The grub's on.

[Lum Edwards]

Ms. Rohini, would you care to walk into the dining room on my arm? Oh.

[Abner Peabody]

I don't believe she can do it.

[Lum Edwards]

I do hope you've worked up a good appetite, Ms. Roweni. Cause Alphonse's knocked himself out cooking up a batch of high class French vittles.

[Miss Rowena]

I hope he has some canapes.

[Abner Peabody]

Yeah, I got a can of peas, can of Harmony Grit.

[Lum Edwards]

Tell me, honkin. Shut up. Mr. Owenie, you sit over there and I'll sit here.

[Miss Rowena]

Thank you.

[Abner Peabody]

Hey, hey, wait a minute here. You ain't set a place for me and Bernice.

[Lum Edwards]

Of course not. You're the servants, you idiot.

[Abner Peabody]

Well, I'll be a polka dotted possum.

[Ben Withers]

I dog.

[Abner Peabody]

As if that ain't gratitude for you, Hawkins.

[Lum Edwards]

Just mind your own business. I'm sorry, Ms. Rowena. This servant problem of mine is getting worse all the time.

[Miss Rowena]

Yes, I can see that.

[Lum Edwards]

Well, let's dive in, Miss Roweni. Oh, Hawkins, come back here and light the candles. It's getting dark in here.

[Abner Peabody]

All right, all right. Don't know where I got strength enough to strike a macho as hungry as I am.

[Miss Rowena]

Mr. Edwards, I. I hate to bring this up, but my food seems to be all stuck to the plate.

[Lum Edwards]

That's cute. You're so is mine. That's them French cooks for you. Oh, Alphonse.

[Miss Rowena]

And if you'll pardon my saying so, it all smells like shellac.

[Lum Edwards]

Did you call me Monsieur Dog?

[Abner Peabody]

As I can't get these matches to strike.

[Lum Edwards]

Yeah, I called you Alphonse. Our victuals are stuck to the plate. And where's the celery stalks? I told you to garnish the plates with garnish. Yeah, I thought you said Barney.

[Miss Rowena]

Well, this is dreadful, but positively drift.

[Lum Edwards]

Now, now, Miss Rowena, don't leave.

[Abner Peabody]

Oh, must be one match in here to like.

[Lum Edwards]

Miss Rowena, please don't leave. I can explain this whole mess and I May as well tell you the truth. Yes, you're gonna hate me. But this ain't my house and these ain't my servants. I ain't nothing at all. And I know you'll never speak to me again as long as you live. And I don't blame you.

[Miss Rowena]

Why, you dear, sweet boy. Going through all that trouble just for little old me. Oh, I think you're wonderful. That's wonderful, huh?

[Abner Peabody]

Dad, blame these matches.

[Miss Rowena]

And to prove it, I am going to give you a great big kiss.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, no, now, please.

[Miss Rowena]

Yes, yes, I'm.

[Walt Bates]

I know that.

[Abner Peabody]

Here's one it likes.

[Lum Edwards]

Oh, Mr. Oini. Granny's. Ms. Rowing. Do that again.

[Narrator/Announcer (Bridget Eyre)]

Lam and Abner will be back in just a moment. But first, here is an important question. When you're preparing Thanksgiving dinner or any dinner, wouldn't you like to avoid last minute rush by fixing some things ahead of time? It's extra easy with a Frigidaire home freezer. Stuff a turkey days ahead and keep it frozen Store several pies baked or unbaked. Freeze a supply of dough for hot bread Everything's safe in a Frigidaire home freezer it's powered by the meter miser.

[Abner Peabody]

Well, how you feeling by now, Hot Lips?

[Lum Edwards]

Yeah, a little better, but Granny's. Abner, when Walt Bates gets back and sees his house, he's going to hit the ceiling.

[Abner Peabody]

Hit the ceiling? He'll have to find it first.

[Narrator/Announcer (Bridget Eyre)]

The new Lemon Avenue show is brought to you each week by Frigidaire division of General Motors, manufacturers of a complete line of home appliances, air conditioners and refrigeration equipment for American business. The script is written by Roz Rogers and Betty Boyle with music by Felix Mills. So until next Sunday night, same time, same station, this is Wendell Niles saying good night for frigidaire, America's number one refrigerator. And now stay tuned for cabin B13, which follows immediately over most of these.

[Lum Edwards]

Same station, this is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting Service.

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