The Smiths of Hollywood 46-09-20 (00) Audition Show

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "The Smiths of Hollywood 46-09-20 (00) Audition Show"

Episode Release Date: May 14, 2025
Podcast Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harolds Old Time Radio
Episode Title: The Smiths of Hollywood 46-09-20 (00) Audition Show

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Introduction

In this lively episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio with "The Smiths of Hollywood." This episode, titled "Audition Show," offers a comedic glimpse into the Smith family's adventures and mishaps in the glitzy world of Hollywood. The ensemble cast, featuring Harry Von Zell, Jan Ford, Brenda Marshall, and Arthur Treacher, brings to life the humorous dynamics of a family navigating social events, unexpected opportunities, and the pursuit of stardom.

Main Characters

• Harry Von Zell as Bill Smith: The patriarch eager to attend Hollywood cocktail parties and break into the movie industry.
• Jan Ford as Bumps Smith: Bill's witty and assertive daughter.
• Brenda Marshall as Nancy Smith: Bill's supportive wife, trying to keep the family together.
• Arthur Treacher as Uncle Cecil: The humorous and meddlesome uncle from England, adding chaos to the family's plans.
• Marcia Hunt as Herself: A charming guest who connects with Bill, leading to unexpected opportunities.

Episode Overview

Setting Up the Party [00:34 - 02:17]

The episode opens with Harry Von Zell introducing the Smith family and setting the scene in Hollywood, California. The Smiths are preparing to attend a prestigious cocktail party hosted by Cynthia Glamour, the new glamour queen. Bill Smith is excited about the event, hoping to socialize with the elite and further his aspirations in Hollywood.

Notable Quote:

Harry Von Zell (00:34): "Hollywood, California. We bring you the Smiths of Hollywood. Yes, friends, the Smiths of Hollywood."

Uncle Cecil's Exclusion [02:17 - 06:34]

Uncle Cecil expresses his desire to join Bill and Nancy at the party, despite being previously uninvited due to his disruptive behavior. A humorous exchange ensues as the family insists Cecil stays home, leading to comic tension. The family's attempt to manage Uncle Cecil highlights the typical familial struggles with an overbearing relative.

Notable Quote:

Uncle Cecil (02:17): "Because how you behaved at that last party we took you to... the hostess's eyebrows haven't come down yet."
(Timestamp: [02:17])

Marcia Hunt's Entrance [06:34 - 14:27]

As the Smiths prepare for the party, Marcia Hunt, a special guest, arrives with a flat tire. Bill offers to help her, leading to a charming interaction that unexpectedly opens doors for him. Their banter showcases the classic radio-era humor and the beginnings of a potential romantic subplot.

Notable Quote:

Marcia Hunt (07:07): "I would get a flat when I'm a half hour late and miles from a garage and no one to help."
(Timestamp: [07:07])

The Opportunity for Bill Smith [14:27 - 23:15]

Bill's assistance to Marcia leads to an invitation for a screen test, stirring excitement and skepticism within the family. Uncle Cecil’s dreams of stardom resurface, creating comedic tension as he grapples with his role in Bill's newfound opportunity. The scene underscores themes of ambition, family expectations, and the unpredictable nature of Hollywood.

Notable Quote:

Bill Smith (Harry Von Zell) (22:42): "If you want. They're ready for us anytime. I'll explain the scene. I play a very spoiled, wealthy young woman."
(Timestamp: [25:12])

The Screen Test Fiasco [23:15 - 27:50]

During the screen test, Uncle Cecil's lack of acting prowess becomes evident, leading to a series of humorous failures. The interaction between Bill, Marcia, and Uncle Cecil highlights the challenges of breaking into the film industry and the comedic potential of mismatched talents.

Notable Quote:

Uncle Cecil (Arthur Treacher) (26:27): "What kind of a love scene was that? Love scene? You're the butler, you dope."
(Timestamp: [26:09])

Morning After [27:50 - 30:38]

The following morning reveals the fallout from the previous night's events. Uncle Cecil's failed attempt at fame contrasts with the family's everyday struggles, providing a humorous yet heartfelt resolution. The Smiths reflect on their experiences, emphasizing family unity despite individual setbacks.

Notable Quote:

Bill Smith (Harry Von Zell) (21:12): "I met a producer last night and he asked me if I could take a screen test today."
(Timestamp: [21:12])

Notable Quotes

1. Harry Von Zell: "Hollywood, California. We bring you the Smiths of Hollywood."
   (00:34)

2. Uncle Cecil: "Because how you behaved at that last party we took you to... the hostess's eyebrows haven't come down yet."
   (02:17)

3. Marcia Hunt: "I would get a flat when I'm a half hour late and miles from a garage and no one to help."
   (07:07)

4. Bill Smith: "If you talk that way when I bring home an Oscar, I won't even let you dust it."
   (21:59)

5. Uncle Cecil: "What kind of a love scene was that? Love scene? You're the butler, you dope."
   (26:27)

Insights and Themes

• Ambition vs. Reality: Bill Smith's aspirations to become a leading man in Hollywood contrast with Uncle Cecil's failed attempts, highlighting the unpredictable nature of the entertainment industry.

• Family Dynamics: The humorous interactions between Bill, Nancy, Bumps, and Uncle Cecil underscore the challenges and joys of maintaining family relationships amidst personal ambitions.

• Chance Encounters: Marcia Hunt's appearance serves as a catalyst for unexpected opportunities, illustrating how random events can significantly impact one's journey.

• Comedy of Errors: The episode leverages classic radio-era humor through misunderstandings, slapstick moments, and witty dialogues, keeping listeners engaged and entertained.

Conclusion

"The Smiths of Hollywood 46-09-20 (00) Audition Show" is a delightful installment that encapsulates the charm and humor of the Golden Age of Radio. Through its engaging characters and comedic scenarios, the episode offers a nostalgic yet timeless portrayal of family life and the pursuit of dreams in the entertainment capital. Notable for its witty dialogues and memorable moments, this episode stands out as a testament to the enduring appeal of classic radio storytelling.

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Note: Advertisements and non-content sections from the transcript have been omitted to focus on the core narrative and character interactions.

Transcript

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[Harry Von Zell]

Hollywood, California. We bring you the Smiths of Hollywood. Yes, friends, the Smiths of Hollywood. With Brenda Marshall as Nancy Smith.

[Jan Ford]

Bums. Are you going to stay in the bathroom forever?

[Harry Von Zell]

Jan Ford as daughter Bumps.

[Brenda Marshall]

I'm making myself glamorous.

[Harry Von Zell]

Harry Von Zell as Bill Smith.

[Arthur Treacher]

What glamour already? Don't you know beauty is only skin deep?

[Harry Von Zell]

Isn't that deep enough? What are you, William, a cannibal? And that was Arthur Treacher as Uncle Cecil from England. And tonight, our special guest is Marcia Hunt. Now for the Smith that's introduced by the music of Charles Hathaway. Sam. Yes, neighbors, you're on the right beam. The Smiths of Hollywood. And now, here's Bill Smith.

[Arthur Treacher]

Hello, everybody. Nancy and I were invited to a cocktail party this afternoon. You've read about Hollywood cocktail parties. Ms. Cynthia Glamour, the new glamour queen, was hostess as a small gathering today for 500 of her intimate friends. What that means is that after four or five cocktails, 500 total strangers became intimate friends. Anyway, Nancy and I were invited. And at the last minute, Uncle Cecil decided he wanted to go, too. No. Now, Uncle Cecil, you listen to me. This is final. You are not going to the party with us. The way you behaved at that last party we took you to. Why, the hostess's eyebrows haven't come down yet.

[Harry Von Zell]

William, you treat me as if I were a poor relation.

[Jan Ford]

Well, Uncle Cecil, don't try to be Cinderella. Didn't we take you to the ball game yesterday?

[Arthur Treacher]

Ball game?

[Harry Von Zell]

I thought that was an anti British demonstration.

[Arthur Treacher]

Anti British demonstration? Now, whatever gave you that idea?

[Harry Von Zell]

Well, you heard the crowd. They kept yelling, kill the Empire.

[Arthur Treacher]

Umpire. Umpire.

[Harry Von Zell]

Well, anyway, William, you should take me to the party. If I were in your shoes.

[Arthur Treacher]

You are in my shoes. And if you insist on wearing my shoes, please keep them shined. Wonder if it's warm enough out for a coat.

[Jan Ford]

Yes, and pants, too.

[Brenda Marshall]

Mom, I had a terrible thing happen.

[Arthur Treacher]

Look at you. Did you fall in a mud hole with that new dress on?

[Brenda Marshall]

Well, I didn't mean to, but I didn't have time to take it off.

[Arthur Treacher]

You Ought to be spanked.

[Jan Ford]

Oh, now, Bill, she's tired and hungry. And a child shouldn't be punished on an empty stomach.

[Harry Von Zell]

What's wrong with turning her over?

[Arthur Treacher]

Now will you be quiet, Bumps.

[Jan Ford]

I left food for you in the icebox. We'll be home early.

[Brenda Marshall]

I know those cocktail parties. Five to eight and you get home at five.

[Jan Ford]

Well, with me chaperoning your father, we'll be home at 8. Bill, how do you like me in this strapless dress, huh?

[Arthur Treacher]

Well, as a husband, darling, I think you ought to try to get a little farther into the dress.

[Harry Von Zell]

Tell me, tell me, what holds it up? Oh, yes, of course. Yes, I'll.

[Arthur Treacher]

Stupid all this.

[Brenda Marshall]

Who all is going to be at the party?

[Arthur Treacher]

Pop, who's going to be at the party? Oh, Bill Holden, Ann Sheridan, Marcia Hunt.

[Harry Von Zell]

And Sir Cecil Smythe.

[Arthur Treacher]

And Sir Cecil Smythe he is not.

[Harry Von Zell]

William, you social moth. When I come into my own, I'll be the one who geds about and doesn't take you.

[Arthur Treacher]

It'll be fine. So far you've done nothing but take me.

[Jan Ford]

Oh, now, easy now, darling. Come here and kiss me before I put on my mouth.

[Arthur Treacher]

What have you been wearing?

[Jan Ford]

What a typical husband kiss.

[Arthur Treacher]

Oh, how do you know? Listen, darling, can't you hurry? We're gonna be late.

[Jan Ford]

Now don't nag me. I've been saying for an hour I'd be ready in a minute.

[Arthur Treacher]

But we're supposed to be at Ms. Glamour's at 5 sharp.

[Harry Von Zell]

William, if you arrived at 10, you wouldn't be sharp. Run along if you're in such a hurry. I'll escort Nancy.

[Arthur Treacher]

Now, that invitation is for Nancy and me.

[Brenda Marshall]

Don't feel too bad, Uncle Cecil. You and I can stay home and play Chinese checkers.

[Harry Von Zell]

Stay home with you? You little monster. Not for me. I'll find me own diversion. Chinese checkers.

[Arthur Treacher]

Now don't go away mad, Uncle Cecil.

[Harry Von Zell]

You'll live to regret your high handed ways, William. Well, cheerio. I hope you have a dreadful time.

[Jan Ford]

Oh, poor Uncle Cecil. I hope he doesn't go out and get into any trouble.

[Arthur Treacher]

No, we're very safe, dear. He hasn't any money. We're taking the car. My scotch is hidden and bumps. Piggy bank is empty. But now hurry, Nancy. The party will be over before we get there.

[Harry Von Zell]

Imagine my nephew refusing to take me to the cocktail party. And only because I wasn't invited. In Hollywood of all places. Probably be champagne, lots of important people, beautiful girls, producers. Oh, what a daisy field. Why is it Dame Fortune smiles on some people and gives Me, the horse. Love. Are you shooting at me, madam? Have a flat tire?

[Marcia Hunt]

No, thanks. I just had one.

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, dear. What a shame.

[Marcia Hunt]

I would get a flat when I'm a half hour late and miles from a garage and no one to help. And me in my best dress.

[Harry Von Zell]

Yes, what a shame. Yes. Well, good luck. Cheerio.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, don't go, Sir Walter Raleigh. I love to have a man watch me change a tire.

[Harry Von Zell]

Do you really? Well, I have nothing better to do. I'll. I'll be glad to watch. I say, you. You go about this very professionally.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, I've won several tire changing contests. There's only one thing I'd like to know.

[Harry Von Zell]

What's that?

[Marcia Hunt]

Which one of these things is a jack?

[Harry Von Zell]

Well, maybe I can tell you. Yes. Now, could this be a jack?

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, I believe it is.

[Jan Ford]

How clever of you.

[Marcia Hunt]

Very few good looking men have brains too.

[Harry Von Zell]

Well, it was really just deduction. You see, there's only one other thing in the trunk. That thingamabob there.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, you are clever. I never would have known the difference between a lug ranch. I mean, a thingamabob and a jack. Now, I wonder how that jack works. Oh, but you run along. You're probably late for a date with some lovely girl. A distinguished man like you. Oh. Oh. Oh, you shouldn't have crawled clear under the car, really. Oh, you'll get all dirty.

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, that doesn't matter. If I'm going to stay here and be a pedestrian in Los Angeles, I might as well get used to looking at the underside of an automobile.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, are you a newcomer here? How do you find California?

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, just look behind the billboards and there it is. I say, are you from California?

[Marcia Hunt]

No, I'm from New York.

[Harry Von Zell]

New York, eh? That's a lovely town. I lived there once myself. Yes, used to be in love with a girl on the east side.

[Marcia Hunt]

What happened? Did you finally see her? West side. Oh, here, let me dust off your suit. Thank you for jacking up the car, but do you think it's high enough?

[Harry Von Zell]

Well, it ought to be an old hijacker like me.

[Arthur Treacher]

All the good, eh?

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, marvelous. Just marvelous. Now, if we could get that hubcap off. Oh, listen to me saying we. Say, have you ever posed for those men of distinction ads?

[Harry Von Zell]

My dear girl, don't dirty your hands. I'll get that, Hub. Careful. Oh, I say, tell me, do I. Do I really look like a man of distinction?

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, yes, yes, there's something about you. Maybe the way your elbow bends. Now, maybe we could take the. That thingamabob and loosen the tire lug.

[Harry Von Zell]

What did you call me? Madam.

[Marcia Hunt]

I meant the tire lug. No, no, I meant the tire lug. I suppose I could unloosen the lugs. But you seem so much bigger and stronger.

[Harry Von Zell]

Do I?

[Marcia Hunt]

Well, this is really awful kind of you. I was supposed to be at a party at Ms. Glamour's by five.

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, you're going to Miss Glamour's party?

[Marcia Hunt]

Yes, and I never would have made it without you.

[Harry Von Zell]

My dear girl, you still won't make it without me. Oh, won't William be surprised.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, are you going too?

[Harry Von Zell]

Thank you. Yes, it would be a pleasure. I say, you know, you look vaguely familiar. Haven't we met before?

[Marcia Hunt]

I don't think so. My name's Marcia Hunt.

[Arthur Treacher]

Mar.

[Harry Von Zell]

Marsha Hunt? What do you mean? The actress I just saw in the picture. Ky Hall. I say, won't William be surprised?

[Marcia Hunt]

I guess while we're working, we might as well have some music. I'll turn on the car radio.

[Harry Von Zell]

Well, that's an excellent idea, except I hate radio.

[Marcia Hunt]

Yes, all you usually get is commercials.

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, I say, that's nice.

[Arthur Treacher]

You.

[Harry Von Zell]

Do you know the words?

[Marcia Hunt]

Let's see now. Each level rose but it's sleeping wild shadow all creeping in a little cottage closing a worse seem drowsy at sundown Where a loving smile will greet me and always meet me at sundown.

[Harry Von Zell]

I.

[Marcia Hunt]

Seem to sigh I'm in heaven when night is falling.

[Harry Von Zell]

And that was Charles Hathaway playing at sundown. And now for a word from our sponsor. I knew there'd be a commercial sa. And that was the sponsor of the Smiths of Hollywood. Now back to Charles Hathaway and his. Leave the radio on. I wanted to hear you sing some more.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, no. I'd better help you with the tire put. Going to make that party before it's over.

[Harry Von Zell]

The despair is certainly heavy. Well, that's Los Angeles for you. How many pounds of smog do you carry in your tires?

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, you'll have to hurry if you want to get to the party before the bar closes.

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, I'd really rather stay here and talk. The bar.

[Arthur Treacher]

The b.

[Harry Von Zell]

The bar closes, start warming up the motor there, will you?

[Arthur Treacher]

Well, it's quite a party, huh? Nancy? Oh, darling, relax. Let go a little.

[Jan Ford]

Have you ever tried to let go a little? And a strapless dress?

[Arthur Treacher]

Well, not lately. Hey, look, look. Coming my way, Mrs. Moneymaker. Say, that's some necklace she's wearing, isn't it?

[Jan Ford]

I heard it was made out of all her old wedding rings.

[Arthur Treacher]

Now, now, Tabby.

[Jan Ford]

Hello, darling.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, how are you?

[Jan Ford]

However did Nancy let you go out alone?

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, hello, Nancy.

[Tyler McVeigh]

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[Jan Ford]

How are you, darling? Wonderful, darling. Well, I thought you'd be home looking after your child. Oh, but then she must be almost fully grown now. How is Bump? She plays with your grandchildren. Haven't they told you? What a charming dress you have on, dear. Is that the same one you wore at the Basil Rathbun's party the night we celebrated the end of the war? I wish I had your memory. Which war do you mean? Well, so nice to see you. Goodbye, dear.

[Arthur Treacher]

Goodbye, Mrs. Moneymaker.

[Jan Ford]

Did you hear what she said?

[Arthur Treacher]

Yeah.

[Jan Ford]

I should have said grandkittens, not grandchildren.

[Arthur Treacher]

Oh, now, darling, don't you be catty. After all, Mrs. Moneymaker has a very magnetic personality.

[Jan Ford]

She ought to. Everything she has on is charged. Say, you know that woman mentioning age. Bill, she's 50 if she's a day.

[Arthur Treacher]

Nancy, she couldn't be. She's not.

[Jan Ford]

She is too. I counted the rings under her eyes.

[Arthur Treacher]

Why, Nancy, darling, what cave have you been hiding in? Oh, hello, Bill. Fergie. How are you, darling? Fergie, I. I heard that your new movie was quite a success. Why, thank you. Not at all. I hear it's the only movie in town where people are standing in line to get out. Well, nice to see you, Nancy.

[Jan Ford]

Bill Smith. Fergie's a very good actor. You shouldn't have said that.

[Arthur Treacher]

Fergie is a good actor, Nancy. He's been in so many B pictures that confidentially, he stings.

[Jan Ford]

Oh, Bill, look. Isn't that the actor over there that wears the toupee?

[Arthur Treacher]

Nancy, he might hear you.

[Jan Ford]

Well, what if he does hear me? He knows he wears a toupee.

[Arthur Treacher]

You don't. I love you.

[Jan Ford]

Oh, do you? Honestly. You know, there are an awful lot of beautiful women here tonight.

[Arthur Treacher]

I know, darling. They are an awful lot. I wouldn't trade you for the whole bunch. You're the most gorgeous, wonderful, the most clever, prettiest girl I've ever met. And I love you more than any man has ever loved a girl before. Does that mean anything to you, darling?

[Jan Ford]

Yes. It means you've had too many cocktails.

[Arthur Treacher]

Honest, Nancy, I, I. Hey. Oh, no. Look. Coming in the door.

[Jan Ford]

Uncle Cecil, I. With Marcia Hunt. Yeah, or have I had too many cocktails? Bill.

[Arthur Treacher]

Oh, well, would you look at that? Handing his hat and cane to Gregory Peck to take care of.

[Jan Ford]

Oh, come on. Let's go see what goes on.

[Arthur Treacher]

Uncle Cecil. Uncle Cecil. William.

[Harry Von Zell]

Didn't expect to find you here. How did you get in? Crawl under the gate?

[Arthur Treacher]

No, I didn't crawl under the gate.

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, you came in with the groceries like a cockroach. Now, you cut that down.

[Arthur Treacher]

How did you get in here? I want to have a word with you.

[Harry Von Zell]

If you want more money, the answer is no.

[Arthur Treacher]

All right, listen, if you're going to insult me, at least take off my shoes and do it barefooted.

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, Ms. Hunt, may I introduce some poor relations of mine? My nephew, William Smith, and the woman who has the misfortune of being his wife, Nancy Smith.

[Marcia Hunt]

Why, Nancy and I know each other. We worked together on a community chess drive.

[Jan Ford]

Oh, it's good to see you again, Marcia. But I didn't know that you and Uncle Cecil were friends.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, I just bumped into him. I had a flat.

[Harry Von Zell]

Yes. A flat? Yes, he had a flat in New York, and I had a flat down the hall. You know what? We're old friends. Used to brew coffee together. Come. Miss Hunter, are several people here I'd like you to introduce me to?

[Marcia Hunt]

But Nancy and I have.

[Harry Von Zell]

Now, that woman over there. Don't you think I ought to meet her?

[Jan Ford]

You certainly should. She's your hostess.

[Harry Von Zell]

Then I must meet her. Come, Miss Hunt. But look, I'll hang on to the arm so you won't get lost in the crowd. Nice seeing you, William.

[Arthur Treacher]

That guy, if they ever take a blood transfusion from him, they'll get nothing but nerve tonic, believe me.

[Jan Ford]

Oh, Bill, look at that.

[Arthur Treacher]

What?

[Jan Ford]

He's going over to Ann Sheridan.

[Arthur Treacher]

Oh.

[Harry Von Zell]

He's kissing her hand.

[Arthur Treacher]

Mm. And if I know Uncle Cecil, he's taking the diamond out of her ring with his teeth. Come on, Nancy dear. I've had enough of this party.

[Jan Ford]

Oh, wait a minute. I want to see what happens.

[Arthur Treacher]

Happens. Don't worry. You'll hear about it from Uncle Cecil tomorrow at breakfast. I want to get out of here before anyone else finds out we even know Uncle Cecil.

[Brenda Marshall]

How was the party last night? You got home awfully early.

[Arthur Treacher]

Yeah, well, don't mention it. Isn't Uncle Cecil joining us for breakfast?

[Jan Ford]

I hear him coming downstairs now.

[Harry Von Zell]

Uncle Jim has got a beautiful ruby tinted nose. Well, well, how are we all this morning?

[Arthur Treacher]

We're awake, at least. Did you know, Rip Van Winkle, that even the laziest birds were up long ago When?

[Harry Von Zell]

Well, if I'd spent the night perched on a tree limb like a sparrow, I suppose I would have been up long ago too. I say, the same old breakfast.

[Jan Ford]

What's wrong with the same old breakfast?

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, I suppose it's all right. But now that I'm about to become a leading man in the movies, I want a little more respect around here.

[Brenda Marshall]

You, a leading man? What are you gonna do? Walk Lassie around the block?

[Harry Von Zell]

Are you, Yuki? Keep a civil tongue, child, or I won't give you an autograph when I attain stardom.

[Jan Ford]

Oh, what on earth are you talking about, Uncle Cecil?

[Harry Von Zell]

Isn't it in the morning papers? I met a producer last night and he asked me if I could take a screen test today.

[Brenda Marshall]

What do they want to do? Use your chins. And a double feature.

[Harry Von Zell]

Quiet, you little monster. Marcia, is the call about the screen test this morning?

[Arthur Treacher]

Would you listen to that Marcia? Already she's doing she.

[Jan Ford]

Well, they have A pictures and B pictures. No reason why they couldn't have Z pictures.

[Harry Von Zell]

Nancy, if you talk that way when I bring home an Oscar, I won't even let you dust it.

[Arthur Treacher]

Oh, Uncle Cecil, who do you think you're kidding?

[Harry Von Zell]

Don't say anything you'll regret, William. The producer said I was just what he's been looking for.

[Brenda Marshall]

Oh, goody. The reviving Frankenstein.

[Harry Von Zell]

Yes, that's something Ross have to stop. And another thing, I'd like some alterations made. I'm tired of such a small room.

[Jan Ford]

Well, I suppose we could put on thinner wallpaper.

[Harry Von Zell]

Yeah.

[Arthur Treacher]

Uncle Cecil, listen. Just because you meet Marcia Hunt some devious way and crash a party is no reason to put on a big act. We know you're not being screen tested.

[Harry Von Zell]

Probably the producer I met at the party calling to present me with a contract.

[Jan Ford]

It's probably the hostess of the party calling to present you with a bill of damages.

[Arthur Treacher]

I'll take it. Hello?

[Marcia Hunt]

Hello, is this Mr. Smith?

[Arthur Treacher]

Speaking.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, this is Marcia Hunt. Is your uncle around?

[Arthur Treacher]

Oh, Ms. Hunt, I'm sure he's sorry for anything he said or did, but.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, this is about his screen test. I'm going to help him out with it. Could you tell him to be at the studio at 2:00 clock? Stage four.

[Arthur Treacher]

Well, put me on the mantle and call me Oscar. You mean the old fossil wasn't kidding?

[Marcia Hunt]

What did you say, Mr. Smith?

[Arthur Treacher]

I. Nothing. I'll give him your message, Ms. Hunt. Goodbye.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, thank you very much. Goodbye.

[Arthur Treacher]

I can't understand it, Uncle Cecil. It looks like you weren't lying. That was Ms. Hunt and your screen test us for 2 o' clock this afternoon.

[Harry Von Zell]

True, eh? Rather early, isn't it, Uncle Cecil?

[Brenda Marshall]

You mean you really might be a movie idol?

[Arthur Treacher]

Well, he's got the background. He's been idle most of his life. Oh, what am I saying? What? I'm sorry. He might start bringing home a paycheck.

[Brenda Marshall]

Uncle sees a movie star. Can I watch at your screen past her?

[Harry Von Zell]

Well.

[Jan Ford]

Oh, I'd like to go too.

[Arthur Treacher]

Well, yeah, me too.

[Harry Von Zell]

I'd like to go too. I'd like to go too. Beginning to sound like a parade.

[Brenda Marshall]

Well, you have to be nice to your fans.

[Arthur Treacher]

Yeah. And after all, a big shot like you ought to be able to get us all into the.

[Harry Von Zell]

Very well. But on one condition. While we're in the studio, no talking. I don't want any distracting influences while I'm playing a love scene with Martha. Right?

[Arthur Treacher]

Right.

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, don't start being yes men already. I don't want to be surrounded by yes men. William, I'll have to wear your shoes. May I?

[Arthur Treacher]

Oh, by all means, Uncle Cecil. But if your feet have swelled as much as your head, I doubt if they'll fit you today.

[Brenda Marshall]

So this is what the inside of a movie studio looks like. Oh, there's Marcia Hunt waving, bumps.

[Harry Von Zell]

And all of you, you promised no talking till my screen tested through. Marcia, how are you, darling? Hope I'm not late.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, right on time. Hello, Nancy.

[Jan Ford]

Hello.

[Arthur Treacher]

Hello.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, and this is your daughter, Bump.

[Brenda Marshall]

Pleased to meet you.

[Marcia Hunt]

Pleased to meet you.

[Harry Von Zell]

You wouldn't see that if you knew her. Well, we could be sociable later. Let's get on with my career.

[Marcia Hunt]

If you want. They're ready for us anytime. I'll explain the scene. I play a very spoiled, wealthy young woman.

[Arthur Treacher]

Yes.

[Marcia Hunt]

Now you and I are all alone. It's evening and the scene is my bedroom.

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, how interesting. We are married, then I. Oh, no.

[Marcia Hunt]

No, not you and me.

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, a triangle, eh?

[Arthur Treacher]

Yes.

[Harry Von Zell]

Well, that's very interesting.

[Marcia Hunt]

Well, I'm sure you'll do fine. Now, here are your lines. Read them over. You're not nervous, are you?

[Harry Von Zell]

Me, nervous? Never.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, just one of those people who always read upside down.

[Arthur Treacher]

Yes.

[Harry Von Zell]

Do you think it's easy? Ms. Hunt, are you ready for the tap already? Of course, of course. Let's dealing with it. Okay, you move under those lights. I miss Hunt beside him. That's it.

[Marcia Hunt]

We're ready.

[Harry Von Zell]

Lights, camera. Roll them. Action.

[Marcia Hunt]

Derek is gone. He'll never return. I know that. Now I am deserted by everyone. Alone.

[Jan Ford]

Alone.

[Marcia Hunt]

And you. You are the only one who has been loyal. And I can't count the women who'd give their right arm to get you away from me. That's your line. Go ahead.

[Harry Von Zell]

Oh, yes, yes. Thank you. Madam, dinner is served.

[Marcia Hunt]

Thank you, Jeeves.

[Harry Von Zell]

All right, cut. Cut. What kind of a love scene was that? Love scene? You're the butler, you dope. What butler? Me? A butler?

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, but I thought you understood.

[Harry Von Zell]

I'm sorry, Ms. Hunt. We'd be glad to oblige, but this man's just not the type to play a butler. Ay. Sir Cecil Smythe, Knight of His Majesty's Court, play a butler? Preposterous.

[Brenda Marshall]

Uncle Jeeves, can I have your autograph?

[Harry Von Zell]

Quiet, you little monster. Let's get out of here.

[Arthur Treacher]

The leading man seems to be dragging a little.

[Harry Von Zell]

William, I'm in no mood for your humor scene.

[Jan Ford]

Played with more feeling, mister. Madam.

[Harry Von Zell]

Again.

[Brenda Marshall]

Will you have some more?

[Harry Von Zell]

What a vile child.

[Arthur Treacher]

Here, Uncle Cecil. Don't you dare kick my daughter with my shoes.

[Jan Ford]

Oh, and all that money you were going to make.

[Arthur Treacher]

Yes, too bad. I had hopes you'd be able to buy your own Scotch.

[Harry Von Zell]

And to think it was a flat tire that started this whole miserable affair.

[Brenda Marshall]

See? It's Marcia Hunt again.

[Marcia Hunt]

Oh, dear.

[Harry Von Zell]

Another flat tire.

[Marcia Hunt]

Miles from the garage and no one.

[Harry Von Zell]

To help is where I came in. Goodbye. Oh, Mr. Smith, she's talking to you. William. Cheerio.

[Arthur Treacher]

Oh, Uncle Cecil, you can't just leave a lady in distress.

[Harry Von Zell]

I can't? Oh, yes, I can. Come along, Nancy. William, we'll see you in the movies. And now a word from our sponsor.

[Jan Ford]

S.A. sam.

[Harry Von Zell]

Well, Uncle Cecil had his fling at the movies, and the movies flung him back. But next time, maybe you'll have better luck. Be on hand next week, same time, same station, same joke.

[Arthur Treacher]

The Smiths of Hollywood.

[Harry Von Zell]

With Arthur Treacher, Brenda Marshall, Harry von Zell, Jan Ford. And as our special guest tonight, Marshall Han is written by Dick Nasserman, directed by Robert Fresnel Jr. And produced by Andrew Hitler. The original music is scored and conducted by Charles Hathaway. Also in tonight's cast was Lois Corbett. And this is Tyler McVeigh saying good night to all of you.

[Tyler McVeigh]

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