The Smiths of Hollywood 47-01-24 (03) Cecil Distributes Counterfeit Money

Summary

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The Smiths of Hollywood 47-01-24 – “Cecil Distributes Counterfeit Money”

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: September 28, 2025
Source Show: The Smiths of Hollywood (original air date: January 24, 1947)

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Overview

In this classic Golden Age radio comedy, the Smith family faces a hilarious debacle when Uncle Cecil, an eccentric Englishman, inadvertently distributes counterfeit money after landing a job at the local bank. The chaos that ensues involves misunderstood intentions, family squabbles, a botched charity sale, and the ever-watchful presence of the bank president, Mr. Upjohn. Peppered with witty banter and slapstick moments, the episode provides a comical lens on family, trust, and the hazards of misplaced confidence.

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Key Discussion Points & Episode Breakdown

1. Morning Chaos at the Smith Household (02:06–07:12)

• Nancy and Bill Smith’s morning is filled with affectionate bickering over breakfast, with Bill buried in his newspaper and Nancy humorously threatening to set it on fire to get his attention.
  • Memorable Exchange:
    • Nancy: "Bill, if you don't come out from behind that newspaper, I'm going to set fire to it." (03:01)
    • Bill (distracted): "Uh huh." (Repeated, 03:06–03:39)
• Uncle Cecil’s freeloading tendencies are a source of good-natured family frustration. He’s shown to break Bill’s golf clubs, wear his clothes, and “eat them out of house and home.”
  • Bill: “I sometimes wonder, is that guy a mouth or is he a man?” (04:27)

2. Uncle Cecil Gets (Almost) Employed (07:12–09:55)

• After some joking about banking hours, the family tries to help Uncle Cecil land a job at the First National Bank through Bill's connection to Mr. Upjohn.
  • Nancy: "Cecil's a nice man. And what's one more mouth to feed?" (04:23)
  • Bumps (the child): Suggests Cecil works at the bank—"maybe they need someone to scrape up cholera gum or fill inkwell." (07:47)
• Bill arranges a meeting, but Cecil is less than thrilled: "Really? How do I get out again?" (09:03)

3. Uncle Cecil, Bank 'Director' and His Misadventures (09:55–16:57)

• Upon reporting to his new post, Cecil’s confusion and snippy “English” humor alienate both customers and staff. He displays classic fish-out-of-water behavior, referencing British traditions.
• Cecil encounters counterfeit bills on Mr. Upjohn’s desk, misunderstanding their significance:
  • Cecil: "Is that money on your desk? I thought you kept it in vaults." (13:34)
  • Upjohn: “This is worthless money... it went through many hands before we spotted it here at the bank.” (13:40)
  • Cecil: "Worthless money, counterfeit money, what's the difference?" (21:10)
• Left alone, Cecil decides the “worthless” (actually counterfeit) money deserves “another chance” and removes it from the office. (16:28–16:57)

4. Counterfeit Money Hits the Streets (17:03–20:59)

• Cecil distributes the bills at a local bar, exchanging them with an unsuspecting patron for checks and feeling he’s performed a savvy bit of “banking.”
  • Cecil: “I got rid of it with no trouble at all. Saved the bank $200.” (20:45)
• Mr. Upjohn, upon hearing this, is aghast: “If it gets around our bank is giving out counterfeit bills, I’ll get a vacation all right." (21:04)

5. The Rummage Sale and Missing Charity Funds (21:40–25:41)

• Meanwhile, Nancy collects over $200 in checks at a club rummage sale, intending to use the funds for European relief. However, her purse goes missing, panicking her and raising suspicions.
  • Nancy: "Oh, Bill, my purse is gone with all those checks!" (25:11)
  • Bill (teasing): "The courts are full of such cases. I lost one like this just last week. Unfortunate woman got a year for embezzlement." (25:31)
• Bill finally produces the checks, having saved them from potential theft.
  • Nancy: “How did you get them?” (26:24)
  • Bill: “Nancy, I am a man of many secrets.” (26:28)

6. Resolution and Aftermath (27:09–28:16)

• The real thief is caught trying to cash a check at a racetrack; Mr. Upjohn calls to credit Cecil’s accidental role in the recovery, looking to apologize.
• Cecil, however, is resolute in his dignity and refuses to return to the bank, criticizing their management style:
  • Cecil: “Employees frequenting pubs, handing out counterfeit money. I say, is that any way to run a bank?” (28:13)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Nancy (jokingly, about breakfast neglect):
  “I can’t even kiss you anymore without Dick Tracy breathing down my neck.” (02:55)

• Bill (deadpan, about Uncle Cecil):
  "I get you a job and it costs me money. Oh, that's high finance for you." (09:37)

• Mr. Upjohn (alarmed):
  "If it gets around our bank is giving out counterfeit bills, I'll get a vacation all right." (21:04)

• Bill (teasing Nancy):
  "The courts are full of such cases. I lost one like this just last week. Unfortunate woman got a year for embezzlement." (25:31)

• Cecil (summing up his bank experience):
  “Employees frequenting pubs, handing out counterfeit money. I say, is that any way to run a bank?” (28:13)

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Important Timestamps

• 02:06 – The chaotic Smith family breakfast scene
• 07:29 – The idea to find Cecil a job at the bank
• 09:55 – Cecil heads to his first day as a bank “director”
• 13:34 – Cecil finds and questions the “worthless” money
• 16:57 – Cecil sets out to ‘save’ the counterfeit money
• 20:45 – Confesses to distributing the money, thinking he's helped the bank
• 25:11 – Nancy realizes her purse with charity checks is missing
• 26:28 – Bill reveals he's recovered the checks
• 27:09 – Mr. Upjohn calls to return the checks and apologize to Cecil
• 28:13 – Cecil scoffs at returning to a bank that was so haphazard

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Tone & Style

The episode is marked by brisk, witty repartee, gentle ribbing ("mouth or man," "hideous little mind"), and a dose of farce—particularly in Cecil’s privileged but clueless handling of “banking.” The humor relies on British/American cultural contrasts, misunderstandings, and quick, overlapping dialogue. The family’s warm affection persists through all the mix-ups and blunders, making the story lighthearted and sharply comic.

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For further enjoyment:
Fans of classic radio comedy, familial farce, and dry British wit will find this episode a delightful example of mid-century scripted humor that still tickles the funny bone today.

Transcript

[A]

And Doug, here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds. With Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[B]

Limu.

[A]

Is that guy with the binoculars watching us? Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings. Very unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company. Affiliates excludes Massachusetts. From Hollywood, California, we bring you the Smiths of Hollywood. As Bump Smith, age 10, Jan Ford.

[B]

Mom. Mom. I hear the garbage man coming.

[A]

As Nancy Smith. Brenda Marshall.

[B]

Bill, the garbage man. Would you empty the garbage in the kitchen?

[A]

As Bill Smith, Nancy's husband, Harry Von Vel. I'm in the bathtub, Uncle Seats. Would you dump that garbage in the kitchen? What a quaint request, but just as you say. And that was Sir Cecil Smythe, Bill's English uncle, Arthur Preacher. Yes, it's the Smiths of Hollywood. With music by Carl Hoff. Presented by.

[B]

Sam.

[A]

Yes, it's the Smiths of. Now meet attorney Bill Smith. Now meet attorney Bill Smith. Oh, Nancy, darling, I'm in the bathtub. Would you take it?

[B]

Okay. Hi everybody. This is Nancy Smith. And what a day this has been, brother. It started with breakfast. Bill eats Drew a hole in his newspaper once in a while. Dog Garnet annoys me. Bill, when we were married, didn't you promise to love, honor and not read the paper at breakfast?

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

I can't even kiss you anymore without Dick Tracy breathing down my neck.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Bill, if you don't come often behind that newspaper, I'm going to set fire to it.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Oh, you didn't even hear me. All right, I will write a match to it.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Bill, I'm really going to.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

Your newspaper's on fire, darling.

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

I have a big glass of water here. Would you like me to put the fire out, darling?

[A]

Uh huh. Nancy, is something burning?

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

Well, aren't you going to do something about it?

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

Oh, someday I'll marry a woman who can make toast without. Hey. Holy smoke. My newspaper.

[B]

Fire. Fire. Oh, don't worry, darling. I'll save you.

[A]

What is the idea? I'm soaking. Look at me, you. You little.

[B]

Is that any way to talk to someone who just saved your life?

[A]

You're a femicidal maniac. First you try burning me at the stake, then drowning.

[B]

What's your newspaper got that I haven't got, little Abner?

[A]

And if you must know, Nancy, I was looking through the want ads for a job.

[B]

Well, what's wrong with the one you.

[A]

Have a job for? Uncle Cecil Stoop. He's eating us out of house and home.

[B]

Oh, now, darling. Cecil's a nice man. And what's one more mouse to feed?

[A]

Plenty, if it's Uncle Cecil's. I sometimes wonder, is that guy a mouth or is he a man? Hey, mouth or man. What do you think of that?

[B]

I think it's lousy. Good morning, Peter. Good morning, Major.

[A]

Well, listen to data. We're being very British, aren't we?

[B]

Hearing Uncle C singing in a shy desert. It smells to me like he's using the pet shaving lotion again, Pa. Now.

[A]

That is the last straw. Breaks my golf clubs, wrecks my car, drinks my Scotch. Wonder when he's gonna start wearing my clothes. Well, good morning. Good morning.

[B]

How do I look, Pop? You can stop wondering.

[A]

Yes, my new gabardine. That is my favorite suit. It was, was it? Excellent taste, William. Is breakfast ready, Uncle Cecil?

[B]

Before you sit down to breakfast, that is Bill's best soup.

[A]

Oh, well, in that case, I better have a napkin. Thank you. I'll tuck it under my chin.

[B]

If I were you, I'd tuck it under both chin. Quiet, Bumps. Hurry now and drink your milk at Bill's strong teeth. I'd rather have him built by the dentist like Uncle Steve. Bumps. Bill, can I use the car today?

[A]

I was planning to use the car today. Now, she didn't ask you. Nancy at least knows enough not to drive on the left hand side of the street.

[B]

Our club's having a rummage sale. Is there anything you'd like to get rid of?

[A]

No. You? Well, yes, now that you mention it, I. Williams, stop staring at me that way.

[B]

Well, we're going to use the money to buy food process for Europe.

[A]

Yes, well, you better hurry. If Uncle Cecil stays in this country three more weeks, Europe will have to start sending food to us.

[B]

Well, I've got $75 of the club money now. And we want to raise 300 more. That would feed 40 families.

[A]

Yes, well, dear, I for one will be very glad when your club gets a new treasurer.

[B]

Well, that's uncalled for, Bill. I haven't muddled accounts at all. Hardly.

[A]

Yes. How about the $5 you couldn't account for last week?

[B]

I found it. And I suppose you've never misplaced $5?

[A]

Not of anyone else's money. Darling, as your lawyer, well, you can never be too careful when you handle other people's money. Right, Uncle Cecil? Right. By the by, old boy, could you advance the 10 so I'd have something to be careful with. Uncle Cecil, if you get a job, you wouldn't have to bother asking me for money all the time. Don't bother, William. I don't mind a bit.

[B]

Uncle Cecil doesn't want a job. Keep more than banker type.

[A]

Yes, it is sensible hours those fellows keep. Nine to three. Oh, Uncle Cecil, there's a lot goes on in a bank after the doors close at 3. Really? Well, I've always suspected as much.

[B]

Say, Bill, how about sending cecil to see Mr. Upjohn at the First national, huh?

[A]

Well, what has Upjohn ever done to me?

[B]

No, I'm serious. After all, you are attorney for the First National. And Mr. Upjohn was very grateful to you when you helped him put across the community chest drive.

[A]

Well, I know, but what could Uncle Cecil do at a bank?

[B]

Maybe they need someone to scrape up choler gun or Phil Inkwell.

[A]

What a hideous little mind that child has. Well, I don't know, Bunce. That idea is not as crazy as it sounds. I think I will talk to Up John. I'll phone him right now.

[B]

Bill, your breakfast is getting cold. Try phoning Mr. Upjohn later, Nancy.

[A]

A secretary says she'll have him in a minute. I'll wait.

[B]

Bumps, go upstairs and see if you have any old clothes for my rummage sale. How about my midi? It's time I started being a sweater girl.

[A]

Sweater girl, I say. What is a sweater girl?

[B]

That's a nitty girl who eats her spinach and drinks her milk.

[A]

Oh, like. Like Popeye the sailor.

[B]

Oh, grow up, Uncle Cecil. I'll go get the thing for you, Mom. Are you interested in the rummage sale, Uncle Cecil?

[A]

Oh, yes, definitely, my girl. What if it takes place? Say, Uncle Thief, I just spoke to Mr. Upjohn at the bank and guess what? You're in. Really? How do I get out again? No, no, I mean everything is. Jake. Jake. Oh, is he in there with me?

[B]

Oh, Bill means that you've got a job. I guess that's what you mean, don't you, Bill?

[A]

Yes, if Cecil doesn't talk himself out of it. Mr. Upjohn wants to see you in a half hour. Does he know? Well, I'll be lolling in the hammock. Send him out, will you? He wants to see you at the bank. You can get the bus at the corner.

[B]

Oh, I could drive you later.

[A]

No, he hasn't time now. Here's a dollar for bus fare, Uncle Cecil. A dollar? Yes, now that I'm a banker. Here. Here's your one. I'll take that 10. Now, just a second. Give me back that 10. Confound it, man. I only just borrowed it. Stop pounding me. Isn't that fine thing? I get you a job and it costs me money. Oh, that's high finance for you. Well, cheerio, Gungo. I'm off to the Moneyball. Uncle Jimmy has not.

[B]

Billy, is there really a job at the bank?

[A]

So Mr. Upjohn said, and dear Uncle Cecil ought to be perfect for it. Yes, just perfect for it. Hey, Mike, why do I catch a check around here? The first window, my good man. My good man, he says. From a bank. God, yet what'll I think of next? A confounded nephew of mine coercing me into menial labor. He told me I was going to be front man. Imagine me a doorman.

[B]

Hi, Uncle Steve. Get that. Get up.

[A]

Yes, I'm afraid this would happen. What do you want?

[B]

Pop said you're a bank director. Just came down to see what a bank director does.

[A]

My good man, could you direct me to the president's office?

[B]

Now I know.

[A]

Shut up. That gate to the left, sir.

[B]

You want me to go home and get my camera and take a picture of you?

[A]

No, I don't want you to go home and get your camera and take a picture of me. Just go home.

[B]

Aw, cheer up, Uncle. This job might turn out to be more exciting than you think.

[A]

Look here, why don't you go and find yourself a toy or a meat or whatever interests more girls and leave me alone.

[B]

Well, here comes a customer. Whoa. Get a load of that figure.

[A]

Yes, it's quite a load of it, isn't there?

[B]

Hello. Are you in charge around here? I came here to check my billings.

[A]

This is a bank, madam. Are you looking for a bank or a weighing scale?

[B]

This is a First national bank, isn't it? I had a letter from new people yesterday saying. I was a little shocked.

[A]

Oh, I wouldn't take it personally, madam.

[B]

Oh, of all the incidents, I have a notion to have you fired.

[A]

Nothing would delight me more, old girl.

[B]

Old girl? Well, I like that.

[A]

Glad you do, old girl. Cheerio. I say, you do have some amazing creatures over here in the colonies, don't you?

[B]

Uncle Steve, where did they keep the money around?

[A]

How should I know? Now, look, child. You make the seat even more conspicuous than this dressed uniform. Now, run and catch a bird or something, will you?

[B]

Oh, Mr. Smo. Mr. Upjohn, the president wants to see you in his office.

[A]

Really? Oh, probably wants to raise my salary. Be with him in a dippy well, well, Mr. Upjohn. Hello, sir Cecil. Come in. Thank you. I say, don't get up, John. Don't get up, John. I say, it's all the good it off. You know, sometimes I wish my name was Smith. Up, Smith. Up, Smith. I don't see the humor of that. Fine if I take a cigar? Yes. Thanks very much. How did the first day on the job go? The question you've just asked me make for 243rd unnecessary. Necessary question of the day. Yes.

[B]

As a matter of fact, that's why.

[A]

I wanted to speak to you. A couple of people said you were cursed. Me? Curt? You sure they meant me? Well, I always say a word to the wise is sufficient. We pride ourselves on being friendly here. I'm terribly sorry. Really I am. Is that why you sent for me? Yes. I just thought I'd mention it. Oh, I thought you might be considering me for a more important position. But maybe after you've been with us longer. I suppose this is learning the job from the outside in. I say. I say. Is that money on your desk? I thought you kept it in vaults.

[B]

This?

[A]

Oh, no. This is worthless money. Worthless? Looks good to me. Well, it went through many hands before we spotted it here at the bank. Spotted it, eh? How careless of you. I don't. I don't see what a few spots matter. You British have a better sense of humor than you get credit for. Excuse me just a moment.

[B]

Hello.

[A]

Up, John. Seating.

[B]

This is the Cooper Radio Survey. Who's sponsoring the program to which you're listening?

[A]

This is a bank, madam.

[B]

Oh, the Businessman's Friends. Well, hang on, I'll connect you with my radio. You mustn't miss this. There. Now you know who's sponsoring the Smiths of Hollywood.

[A]

Well, thank you, I remember. Why is it those radio surveys never ask me if I like what I'm listening to? Oh, you still here, Sir Cecil? You know, I've been looking at this money. Are you sure it's worthless? Positive. What do you do with it? It goes back to Washington. I suppose they burn it.

[B]

Burn it?

[A]

Of course, in Europe we always did say you Americans had money to burn. But I never believed it before.

[B]

Excuse me, Mr. Utterm, but there's a man to see you outside.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

Excuse me.

[A]

Now, about this money. I. I say, I seem to be talking to myself. That money worthless. I just can't believe it. He's probably only tried it on people who have too much of it anyway. Must be lots of people who aren't so fussy about a Little spot here and there. You know, they ought to give it another chance before they burn it.

[B]

Did you find out where to keep the money?

[A]

Oh, are you still here? I thought I sent you home. She.

[B]

Wilkins. What a roll of cabbage.

[A]

Cabbage?

[B]

Greenbacks. Dark skinned Missoula.

[A]

Are you speaking boogie woogie?

[B]

Uncle Steve, what are you gonna do with the money?

[A]

Save it from a horrible fate, I hope. Bunce, if your uncle is right, Mr. Upjohn is man enough to admit he's wrong. I should at least wind up as vice president. See you at dinner time. Another beer here, Mac. Leave off the set. Ah, keep your shirt on. What do you want, Bubb? Who's he? That's you bubbling. Well then bub will have a glass of bubbly. But first, my good man, will you take this money in exchange? I never turned down no money yet. Hey, what a role. You must be a terrific crapshooter. Crap shooting? Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that. I left my fowling piece in England. You shouldn't be flashing such a wad around. You look like a banker. I say you're a discerning Chevon show. As a matter of fact, I am in banking. If you ever acquire the service of the bank. Me, I don't trust nobody. I keep mine in the old sock. Hey, there was a guy around here a minute ago that could use a bank. Hey, Mike, come here. That's the guy on the end of the bar. He has some checks he wants cash. Me? I wouldn't cash my own brother's check. Yes, well, you probably know your brother. If he wants to cash a check, squeeze a drink out of him. Really? Although I may look like it, but I'm not a juicy spector. Holy smokes, where'd you get the wad? I told you, the guy's a banker. Hey, no kidding. Can you cash some checks? I. I didn't get to the bank in time, that's all. Boy, if you don't mind the spotted money. Blood money, huh? What racket you in, selling homes to veterans? Well, money's money to me. How much you got there? Looks like enough to choke a horse and I haven't had it, to tell the truth. That a horse would have a hard time swallowing it, wouldn't he? Well, could you cash here a couple of hundred dollars for me? Well, if you don't object to this money. I say, if you don't have a regular bank, why not come to the First National? There's one of our cards. Be sure and say I sent you. Well, now I've seen everything. Bankers cruising for business like taxi cabs. Here, have one on me. May I Come in, Mr. John? It's all right. Don't get up, John, I. Don't exend it. Where did you go? I'll come to that. I'll mind if I take one of your cigars, old chap. I think I deserve one. Did you take those bills off my desk? Now, before we go into that, I want to talk to you as a friend, you understand? Now, how long have you been on this job here at the bank? 23 years. Ah, yes. Well, it couldn't be inexperienced then, could it? No, no. Probably too close to the job. Yes, must be. It is. Mr. Upjohn, why don't you take a long vacation? What? You know that money you showed me? It was perfectly good. Oh, Smythe, come to the point. I got rid of it with no trouble at all. Got rid of it? Yes. Saved the bank $200. Oh, Gabriel. Steve, you didn't put that money in circulation. Yes, I did. Yes. And here, Mr. Upton, are the checks I took in exchange. Not a bad day's work, eh? Oh, Smythe, quickly now. Who did you give the money to? Oh, some chap I encountered in a pub.

[B]

At the pub?

[A]

Yes. He was very grateful for. I knew it was good money.

[B]

I.

[A]

You know, I really advise a vacation for you. A vacation? If it gets around our bank is giving out counterfeit bills. I'll get a vacation all right. Oh, you deserve it. Yes.

[B]

Counterfeit.

[A]

Did you say counterfeit? I said counterfeit. Ah, yes, I was afraid I heard correctly. Here's your cigar back, Mr. Uproar. Smile. I told you that money was counterfeit. You didn't tell me it was counterfeit. You said it was worthless. Worthless money, counterfeit money, what's the difference? Why can't you learn to understand English? I do. Oh, boy. Worth this money. Counterfeit money.

[B]

Hello, Pop. Aren't you home awful early?

[A]

Oh, your mother has the car. I took an early bus to avoid the jam. Uncle Cecil around?

[B]

He's working at the bank.

[A]

Yes. I hope Mr. Upjohn never holds this against.

[B]

I don't think you need to worry. Uncle Seeds was in there pitching. I just left him.

[A]

Yeah? How does he look as a doorman?

[B]

Swell. But Uncle Smitty is headed for bigger things.

[A]

What? I couldn't have misjudged the old fossil, could I? Well, what do you mean, bigger things?

[B]

Well, I'm not quite sure, but. Oh, hi, Uncle Thief. I was just calling Pocket.

[A]

It's well, Dormer you are William. I'll never trust you again. Telling me I was going to be front man at the. The bank. Well, you are, aren't you, Uncle Cecil? Say, did you. And up John hit it off?

[B]

All right.

[A]

Hit it off. No. Almost, but it stopped short of blows. Yes. What stopped short of blows? Oh, dear. So soon? William. William. If that's up John, say, I just joined the Foreign Legion. What do you call. Where do I answer this? Hello? Hello, Bill? Yes. Has that blasted uncle of yours told you what's happened? We just got home. What's the matter? He gave out over $200 in counterfeit money. No. Yes. Why, that's terrible. His bond will cover it, of course. Oh, that's not the point. The FBI will be in the poor soul's tail, and then those bills get in circulation. Well, listen, you better get hold of the poor guy and explain before he passes out any of that money. How Sir Fogbound never even got his name. All the checks are made out to cash. Why, that fellow could probably bring suit. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? You're our attorney. Oh, and so I am. Well, hold on. I'll be right down there. Are the checks all cash, no endorsement? Yes. Helen Matthews. Jane Faulkner. Here's one for Ma Sheridan. Right. Say, did you call these people and ask them who they gave cash checks to today? I can't reach them. Ann Sheridan's business manager said she was going to some sort of a charity. Let me sale. That's my only lead so far. Wait a minute. Did you say rumage sale? Yes, but who's holding a rumage sale? Rumage sale? Now, isn't it a small world? What do you mean? Oh, I mean, be of good faith. Don't worry. Give me the checks and. Cheer up, John. Leave it to Sherlock Smith. Well, home at last. Bring all the fenders with you, Nancy.

[B]

Oh, why, Bill, did you come out to open the garage doors for me?

[A]

I'll put the car in later. Well, isn't it fashionable to kiss your husband this season?

[B]

Oh, it's fashionable for me, but just let some other woman try kissing my husband. Oh, Bill, I had the most exciting day.

[A]

Well, let's hear about it.

[B]

Oh, people were so nice. We took in over $200 to buy food for overseas.

[A]

Imagine.

[B]

Yes, I gotta buy food packages for 40 families.

[A]

Oh, darling, I'm proud of you. Did you deposit the money?

[B]

No, I didn't have time. I got it right here in my purse. Oh, I guess my purse is in the back seat.

[A]

$200. That's quite a haul, darling.

[B]

Oh, people can really be so nice. Bill, see if my purse is in the glove compartment.

[A]

I don't see it, Nancy.

[B]

Oh, you'd have been so proud of my auctioneering, Bill. It isn't in the Gladcombe party.

[A]

Nope.

[B]

Well, it must be. Let me look. Bill, something dreadful's happened.

[A]

What, dear?

[B]

Well, my purse is gone with all those chicks.

[A]

That's tough.

[B]

Don't just stand there. Do something.

[A]

Do what?

[B]

Well, something. Oh, Bill, what'll I do?

[A]

Well, first I'd hire a good lawyer.

[B]

Lawyer?

[A]

You don't think people are going to believe you just lost $200?

[B]

But I did lose it. Bill Smith, don't you think for a minute that I.

[A]

Me. Not me, dear. But of course, I'm not a judge, Bill. The courts are full of such cases. I lost one like this just last week. Unfortunate woman got a year for embezzlement.

[B]

Oh, how horrible. Well, I'd better start calling people at once.

[A]

Oh, no, no. As your lawyer, I advise against that.

[B]

Well, I have to do something.

[A]

All right. Now, I advise you to just. Just put your head on my shoulder. That's it. No, no, no, no. No tears. Now, Nancy Smith, I want you to repeat a magic phrase. Say, I'll never be careless with money again. Go ahead, say it.

[B]

I'll never be careless with money again.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Oh, Bill, don't be cruel. I didn't mean to do it, honest.

[A]

Of course not, darling. And now reach in my right coat pocket. That's your fit. This.

[B]

The checks.

[A]

Presto.

[B]

All 11 of them.

[A]

How did you get them? Nancy, I am a man of many secrets.

[B]

You took them. Oh, Bill, the scare you gave me. You're horrid.

[A]

Oh, Nancy. My shit.

[B]

Don't go.

[A]

Stop it. No. Game of soccer drama. We won't end this way.

[B]

Oh, the scare Bill gave me about those checks. I thought I'd really lost them. And I was mad enough to scalp Bill. You know, I still can't figure out how he got the checks. Oh, excuse me a moment.

[A]

Hello, Mrs. Smith, this is Fred up. John at the bank say they nabbed the man that took the checks out of your car.

[B]

What? Mm.

[A]

He tried to cash one of the bills at the racetrack. He has quite a record. I suppose Sir Cecil deserves some of the credit fuzz a little harsh with him. Is he there? I'd like to apologize.

[B]

Oh, well, this is all beyond me, Mr. Upjohn. Just a minute. I'll put Uncle Cecil on. Uncle Cecil, Mr. Upjohn wants to speak to you.

[A]

Upjohn. Tell him I'm not here. He probably wants to hire me back. You go and talk to him. You don't. Maybe he's changed his mind. Well, I haven't. No, William. I don't want to work there anymore. Listen, Uncle Cecil, he didn't mean all he said. That's not the point. But William. Employees frequenting pubs, handing out counterfeit money. I say, is that any way to run a bank? An hour word from our sponsors.

[B]

Sam.

[A]

This next of Hollywood, starring Arthur Preacher, Brenda Marshall, Harry von Zell and Jan Ford, is living. Written by Dick Nman, Brick Knight direct Andrew Hicklock, producer. Tonight's cast also included Sarah Burner, Howard McNear, Jim Doyle and Tyler McVeigh.