Theater USA 1949-04-14 Petticoat Fever

Summary

Theater USA: "Petticoat Fever" – Harold's Old Time Radio

Podcast Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Episode Date: September 8, 2025
Original Airdate of Radio Play: April 14, 1949
Featured Show: Theater USA — "Petticoat Fever"

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Overview

This vintage episode from Theater USA showcases an exemplary variety program representative of the Golden Age of Radio. Celebrated artists such as the Golden Gate Quartet, Jackie Gleason, Jane Pickens, Nancy Coleman, Ralph Forbes, and Melvin Douglas perform both musical and comedy vignettes, culminating in a radio adaptation of Mark Reed’s witty stage comedy, "Petticoat Fever." The show is atmospherically bookended with messages that reflect its wartime context and the mission of the American National Theatre and Academy.

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Key Discussion Points, Performances & Insights

1. Opening Remarks & Introduction

[00:02–01:01]

• Vinton Friedley (master of ceremonies and host) sets the stage, introducing the night’s direction and presenting the high-profile guests.
• Describes the dynamics of longevity for performers, referencing group harmony in showbiz ("never see each other except at rehearsals... never play cards together").
• Introduces Golden Gate Quartet as a model of such longevity in American music.

Quote:

"There's one combination in the trade today, though, that had its own form of insurance... and the act's in its 20th year..."
—Vinton Friedley [01:01]

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2. Musical Performance: Golden Gate Quartet

[02:24–04:26]

• The Golden Gate Quartet delivers a lively, humorous, and narrative-driven performance that blends storytelling and gospel/blues vocal traditions.
• Sketch recounts a hunting (and running) misadventure in the woods of Maine.

Memorable Moment:

"I run so fast they say they couldn't catch me all day... Running, running, running, running, me and Brother Bill."
—Golden Gate Quartet Member [02:24–04:26]

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3. Comedy Interlude: Jackie Gleason

[04:26–11:16]

• Vinton Friedley gives a comedic biography of Gleason, highlighting his diverse career from carnival barker to acclaimed performer.
• Jackie Gleason delivers a classic Gleason monologue: self-deprecating humor, satire of Hollywood, and a spoof "songwriter" routine.
• Gleason spins a surreal and zany love story about his first "real love," Laura, with increasingly absurd twists and comedic metaphors.

Notable Quotes:

"Yes, I made two [films]. The Falcon Takes a Bubble Bath. And Can a Young Girl with no Head Find Happiness?"
—Jackie Gleason [06:08]

"Her eyes had the dreamy quality of wet felt. Her nose looked like a broken bicycle seat. I loved every hair on her lip..."
—Jackie Gleason [07:02]

"We never found out what the third one was. The second day it flew away."
—Jackie Gleason [09:54]

Memorable Moment:

• The sharp punchline when Laura "becomes a left turn on Route 29" after falling into a concrete mixer.
  [11:16]

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4. Musical Performance: Jane Pickens

[13:27–14:54; 15:34–16:34]

• Jane Pickens delivers a rich, romantic ballad ("So in Love"), demonstrating why she was regarded as one of Broadway’s beloved singers.
• The performance is framed by Vinton Friedley’s admiration and a backstory of her Broadway pedigree.

Quote:

"So, in love, so in love, so in love with you, my love. Amen."
—Jane Pickens [16:34]

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5. Radio Drama: "Petticoat Fever"

[16:34–27:23]

Introduction & Cast

• Vinton Friedley introduces the "Petticoat Fever" sketch, highlighting its Broadway and Hollywood pedigree and introducing principal performers:
  • Nancy Coleman as Ethel Campion
  • Ralph Forbes as Sir James Fenton
  • Melvin Douglas as Dascombe Dinsmore (and scene-setter)

Scene & Plot

• Melvin Douglas sets the scene: a snowbound cabin in remote Labrador, starved for female company.
• Ralph Forbes arrives as Sir James with his companion (later revealed to be Ethel, a woman).
• The arrival of a beautiful woman (Ethel) precipitates comic tension, flirtation, and rivalry.

Key Segments & Dialogue

• Douglas and Forbes banter about isolation, the lack of women, and the bleakness of their surroundings.

"I'm reckoning — Eskimo woman, five months. White woman, seven months. Beautiful woman, two years."
—Melvin Douglas [21:15]

• The comedic buildup to the realization that the new arrival is a woman:

Forbes: "My companion is a woman."
Douglas: "A woman?"
—[21:40–21:42]

• Flirtatious and awkward exchanges as Dinsmore (Douglas) clumsily tries to impress and serve Ethel (Coleman).

"You're the first beautiful woman I've seen in two years... I'll bet you $5 you're beautiful."
—Melvin Douglas [25:08–25:27]
"Mr. Dinsmore, I think right now is an excellent time for me to make an announcement. I'm engaged."
—Nancy Coleman [25:27–25:36]

• The farce resolves as Dinsmore narrates how the triangle is "sorted out" through comedic and unexpected events.

"Well, there we were in rather a tight sort of triangle, don't you think? ... If you’re ever up around Labrador, I’ll show you where the minister’s house is."
—Melvin Douglas [26:09–27:23]

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6. Closing Acknowledgments & Next Week's Preview

[27:23–28:38]

• Friedley and Douglas pivot to an Army recruiting message, praising high enlistment standards.
• The host gives thanks to the night’s guests and cues next week’s performers (including Phil Silvers and Laurence Olivier).
• Brief mention of the broadcast’s mission in partnership with the Army/National Theatre.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Her eyes had the dreamy quality of wet felt. Her nose looked like a broken bicycle seat. I loved every hair on her lip."
  —Jackie Gleason [07:02]

• "I'm reckoning — Eskimo woman, five months. White woman, seven months. Beautiful woman, two years."
  —Melvin Douglas [21:15]

• "We never found out what the third one was. The second day it flew away."
  —Jackie Gleason [09:54]

• "So in love, so in love, so in love with you, my love. Amen."
  —Jane Pickens [16:34]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Opening & Quartet Introduction: [00:02–02:24]
• Golden Gate Quartet Performance: [02:24–04:26]
• Jackie Gleason Biography & Comedy: [04:26–11:16]
• Jane Pickens Song: [13:27–16:34]
• "Petticoat Fever" Introduction: [16:34–17:18]
• "Petticoat Fever" Play: [18:42–27:23]
• Army/Show Closing Announcements: [27:23–28:38]

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Tone and Language

• Witty, urbane narratives interwoven with vaudeville and slapstick punchlines.
• Comedic timing, quick repartee, and affectionate lampooning of romantic and everyday situations.

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Summary

This episode exemplifies the talents and entertainment values of the golden radio era: rich in musical artistry, smart-talking comedy, and dramatic vignettes. The cast’s camaraderie and the host’s warm, knowing narration evoke a bygone time when families gathered around the radio for laughter, song, and story. For lovers of classic theater, showbiz lore, or radio drama, this episode is both a historical gem and an engaging, lighthearted entertainment.

Transcript

[Vinton Friedley]

This is Theater USA Tonight in person, Vin and Friedley. The Golden Gate Quartet. Jackie Gleason, Jane Pickens, Nancy Coleman, Ralph Forbes and Melvin Douglas in the vignettes of that hilarious comedy, Petticoat Fever. This is Theatre usa Theatre usa A presentation of the United States army, transcribed in cooperation with the American Broadcasting Company and the American National Theatre and Academy, is on the air. First, here is your master of ceremonies and your United States army host on these broadcasts, one of America's most famous and distinguished theatrical producers and the president of the American National Theatre and Academy, Mr. Vinton Friedley.

[Narrator/Host]

Thank you and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I won't be specific when it comes to names, but those of us in show business are surprised every now and then when they hear that the famous act is broken up because of the personal differences of its members. A smoldering argument, a brief quarrel, a flash of temper, and, well, the act is split. Over the years, more talent has been lost to the public that way than there are sketches of celebrities hanging on the walls of Sardis. There's one combination in the trade today, though, that had its own form of insurance against this sort of thing. They follow two rules scrupulously. The first members of the act never see each other except at rehearsals. Their wives may have lunch or go shopping, but the men stay away from each other until showtime. Now, the second rule, never play cards together. Ever. Has it worked? Well, the act's in its 20th year and is played from the movie Lots of Hollywood to Carnegie hall, from the best nightclubs of New York to a White House inauguration. Ladies and gentlemen, Theatre USA is happy to present one of the greatest singing combines in the country, which is opening Tuesday night at Cafe Society here in New York, the Golden Gate Quartet.

[Golden Gate Quartet Member]

Well, me and brother Bill been hunting up in the woods and Maine the reason why we went up there we thought we could catch some game well, me and brother Bill just hunted until the middle of the night we shot at something that looked like a bear but the doggone thing turned white yes, drop that gun well, and the way I run, brother the Bill said Boy, what's the matter with you? Pretty known like a me and I run some too I run so fast they say they couldn't catch the way I run across that feeder Couldn't catch me with an automobile broke the Bill got so excited he took one shot at me the bullet passed right by my hip Boom. Struck the tree, oh, boy I started shuffling My feet both left the ground I said, look, your feet don't leave me now I Live very far Drop that gun and the way I run Brother Bill said boy, what's the matter with you? If a no one like me he'd run some two hours so fast to say they couldn't catch me all day the way I run across that field they couldn't catch me with an automobile But I ran right by a poker game I wanted to win the pot But Bill's gun went boom again and I didn't have time to stop well, I ran right by a windmill I wanted to get some wind But I didn't have the money to pay for it so I had to start running again Whoa. I'm going home Going home well, I'm all alone Going home Brother Bill said, boy, what's the matter with you? Bit of hid better help Better run some too I run so fast they say they couldn't catch me all day the way I run across that field they couldn't catch me with the automobile Running, running, running, running Being Brother Bill.

[Narrator/Host]

Thank you. Golden Gate Quartet how to get into the theater. Example number five. The case of the diversified comedian. It wasn't just because he was born in Brooklyn that he wanted to be a comedian. He had a general feeling for making people laugh, but the road was hard. First, he became a carnival barker. Second, he was a comic in burlesque. Next, he became a master of ceremonies in a movie theater. Then a radio disc jockey. Finally, Hollywood. But there they cast him in gangster roles. So, back to New York. For a long time, the going was tough. But in 1940, the break came in the musical Keep off the Grass. He made his first success. This was followed by Artists and Models and Follow the Girls. And this season at the Imperial Theater, he starred in Along Fifth Avenue. Ladies and gentlemen, here's the side splitter himself, Jackie Gleason. Thank you.

[Jackie Gleason]

Thank you, friends. And thank you, Mr. Friedly. And may I say, it's a pleasure to be back in New York.

[Narrator/Host]

I didn't know you'd been away, Jackie.

[Jackie Gleason]

Oh, yes, Vinton. As a matter of fact, I just returned from Hollywood. I got the Academy Award for receiving unemployment insurance.

[Narrator/Host]

Tell me, while you were out there, did you make any pictures?

[Jackie Gleason]

Yes, I made two. The Falcon Takes a Bubble Bath. And Can a Young Girl with no Head Find Happiness?

[Narrator/Host]

You know, Jackie, a great many people are not aware that you're quite a songwriter. Oh, well, now, wait. Now, don't be modest about it. Tell me, what was some of your big hits?

[Jackie Gleason]

Well, if you insist, of course. As you know, I wrote Mother Was a Pippin till her uppers started slipping. Then I wrote, you look like a total stranger since you caught your nose in the record changer. Then there was my big hit. While Grandma wound the old Victrola, I put a Mickey in her Pepsi Cola.

[Narrator/Host]

See, that was a smash, wasn't it?

[Jackie Gleason]

Oh, it sold 80 copies.

[Narrator/Host]

What have you been working on lately, Jackie?

[Jackie Gleason]

Well, I just completed a tone poem that sounds interesting.

[Narrator/Host]

What's it about?

[Jackie Gleason]

Well, as you know, Vinton, it's spring, and a young man gets pretty fancy. So I wrote it about my first real love, a girl named Laura.

[Narrator/Host]

Might I be so presumptuous as to ask you to let us hear it?

[Jackie Gleason]

I would be delighted, Mr. Friedly. A little background music, please. Laura. Gee, I can remember her just as if it were yesterday. Leaning up against the fire hydrant with the wind running through a crew haircut. And her eyes. Her eyes had the dreamy quality of wet felt. Her nose looked like a broken bicycle seat. I loved every hair on her lip. You couldn't tell whether she had a mustache, so she just finished drinking cocoa. She had such buck teeth. She was the only girl I knew who could eat a sandwich through a Phoenician blind. She had so many cavities, she'd talk with an echo. Oh, I'll always cherish our first meeting. It was in the park. She coyly dropped her handkerchief, and when I picked it up, she was embarrassed. Her nose was still in it. Before we left each other, we made a date for the following evening. Then she gaily waved goodbye, jumped on a passing butcher and went home piggyback. Oh, what a night I spent in anticipation of our date. I had nightmares. I dreamt I was awake, and when I awoke, I was asleep. Finally, morning arrived. Dashing into the bathroom, I brushed my teeth right off the shelf. Then. Then I sat down at the table and partook of a hearty breakfast consisting of hot ginger ale and oatmeal, ham hocks dipped in bourbon and matzo balls on a flaming sword. Then I ran to our rendezvous, and there she was. The very sight of her made my nose bleed. Her appearance startled me. She was wearing her hair inside of her head. Her gown was made of the finest imported Italian silk. The spaghetti was still on it. Brushing a meatball off her shoulder, I took her arm and walked up the street. I'd gone two blocks before I realized she wasn't attached to the arm. Right then and there I proposed to. I said, darling, marry me and you'll have money, jewels and beautiful clothing. She said, but I already have money, jewels and beautiful clothing. I said, all right, then, I'll marry you. And the wedding? Oh, the wedding was a splendid affair. It was held in the Yakamain Room of Ruby Foos. For our honeymoon, we went to the Rigor Mortis Hotel in Stranglewood, New Jersey. Oh, how happy we were. She was a wonderful cook. She put little sailboats in her Navy bean soup. And at the end of each meal, she put trained goldfish in finger bowls. So that not only could you wash your fingers, but the goldfish would bite off your cuticles. Time passed, and I became the proud father of triplets. One was a boy and one was a girl. We never found out what the third one was. The second day it flew away.

[Vinton Friedley]

And then.

[Jackie Gleason]

Then tragedy struck. I came home one day and found a note. It said, dear Jack, the children and I have run away with Brilliantine Benny, the foreign correspondent for the Racing Form. Cancel the milk service, give the dog his distemper shots and drop dead. This terrible catastrophe shook my very soul. My children gone. My wife gone. And not only that, but I couldn't find the dog's distemper shots. People began to look at me with scorn and contempt. They were the only friends I had left. Finally, scorn left me and contempt joined the Foreign Legion. I went from bad to worse to rack and ruin. Amos and Andy, Lum and Abner. And finally I appeared on Stop the Music, where I guessed the secret tune. Who put the sour cream in Mrs. Murphy's Ovaltine? They gave me $20,000, a Greyhound bus, a grease pit and a bungalow and cream cheese. Nevada. Well, that's the end of my story. I suppose you wonder what became of Laura. Well, Brilliantine Benny lost its job with the racing form and got a job as a construction engineer. Laura was watching him work one day when she slipped and fell into his concrete mixer. She is now a left turn on Route 29.

[Narrator/Host]

Thank you, Jackie Gleason.

[Vinton Friedley]

Ladies and gentlemen, our army and our Air Force are critically short of physicians and dentists. Volunteers from these two professions are urgently needed today to safeguard and care for the health of the men and women who, as members of the United States army and United States Air Force, are serving you and me at home and overseas. Young physicians and dentists, particularly those who did not serve in the armed services during World War II, have been asked by their government to act now, to volunteer for duty at once. If you are one of these young physicians or dentists, please write or wire either the Surgeon General of the United States army or the air surgeon of the United States Air Force at once and volunteer your services. If you know one of these young physicians or dentists, please call his attention to this urgent message. Thank you.

[Narrator/Host]

In the spring of 1936, I got hold of a musical called Red Hot and Blue. I'd cast it during the summer and by early fall it went into rehearsal. Before we left for an out of town tryout in Boston. I thought I'd better have a look at the current competition. The Ziegfeld Follies had just opened, so I dropped in one evening. His cast was brilliant, with such stars as Fanny Brice, Gypsy Rose Lee and Bobby Clark. What interested me particularly, however, was the singing star of the Follies. From the moment she walked onto the stage, I knew the show had to be a hit. She thrilled me then. She thrilled me a few years later when she starred opposite Edwin in Boys and Girls Together. She'll thrill you Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, one of Broadway's favorite singers and the star of her own Sunday afternoon radio show, the talented and lovely Ms. Jane Pickens.

[Jane Pickens]

Strange, dear, but true, dear when I'm close to you, dear, the stars fill the sky so in love with you am I I Even without you, my arms fold about you. You know, darling, why so in love with you am I In love with a night mysterious the night when you first were there. In love with my joy delirious when I knew that you could care. So taunt me and hurt me, deceive me, desert me I'm your still I.

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[Melvin Douglas]

That matter to you.

[Commercial Announcer]

Progressive Capitalty Insurance Company and affiliates and other insurers not available in all statistic situations.

[Jane Pickens]

You, my love, am I yours till I die? So in love, so in love so in love with you, my love. Amen.

[Narrator/Host]

Thank you, Jane pickens. Ever since 1935, when Richard Aldrich and Alfred Deliaga Jr. Produced it at the Ritz Theatre, Mark Reed's comedy Petticoat Fever has been a favorite with the American audiences to play the much sought after young lady in Petticoat Fever. Theater USA has a much Sought after young actress whose very first appearance on Broadway met with great success. She opened in Susan and Guard with Gertrude Lawrence, then had the lead in Philip Barry's Liberty Jones. From there she went straight to Hollywood to appear in King's Row, Edge of Darkness and Remember Tomorrow. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Nancy Coleman.

[Melvin Douglas]

To.

[Narrator/Host]

Play the role of Sir James Fenton, aviator, tycoon and finally, unsuccessful suitor. We have no less than the gentleman who carried leading roles in the Doctor's Dilemma, Hedda Gabler, Beau Gest and Private Lives, and who was seen last season on Broadway in George Bernard Shaw's you Never Can Tell. Ladies and gentlemen, the distinguished actor, Mr. Ralph Forbes to play the role of the dashing Dascombe Dinsmore, a gentleman whose distinguished career has included Candlelight, Tonight or Never and no More Ladies. And in Hollywood, such films as Ninotchka, Dangerous Corner and Theodora Goes Wild. Once again, he's back on Broadway at the Court Theatre as the star of the extremely successful Two Blind Mice. Ladies and gentlemen, the United States army and Theater USA are proud to present the very gifted star and polished actor, Mr. Melvin Douglas. Before the music starts, Mr. Douglas, take over and set the scene for a vignette from Mark Reed's comedy Petticoat Fever.

[Melvin Douglas]

In Labrador, there are no women. Do you know what that means? I appeal to the gentlemen in the audience. Can you imagine what it means to be snowbound for two years in a cabin in Labrador without the sight of a beautiful woman? It happened to me. Me, Dascombe Dinsmore, the lady killer of the Malaya rubber plantations. The Beau Brummel of Tahiti.

[Narrator/Host]

That?

[Melvin Douglas]

The cake eater of Ottawa. Why I signed up to be a wireless operator stationed in the most barren reaches of the Arctic Circle Is too long a story to go into now. But you're right. A woman was at the bottom of it. And I was at the top of the world. Labrador. Wind 55 miles an hour, temperature 65 degrees below zero. And then I open the door.

[Ralph Forbes]

How do you do?

[Melvin Douglas]

How do you do?

[Ralph Forbes]

What's the matter? Do you think I'm a spook?

[Melvin Douglas]

No, just another round the world flyer.

[Ralph Forbes]

Oh. Merely dashing over to Montreal from St. John's petrol gave out and I nosed into a drift. Do you mind? May I use your fire?

[Melvin Douglas]

Not at all. Help yourself.

[Ralph Forbes]

Ah, by Jove.

[Melvin Douglas]

Can I get you some food?

[Ralph Forbes]

Not at the moment, thanks.

[Melvin Douglas]

Frostbitten?

[Ralph Forbes]

I think. Not a trifle chilly. Fortunately, the snow was deep and quite warm.

[Melvin Douglas]

Buried long?

[Ralph Forbes]

Oh, last night. The night before. What is this?

[Melvin Douglas]

November. 10th.

[Narrator/Host]

10Th.

[Ralph Forbes]

Are you sure?

[Melvin Douglas]

10Th or 11th. What's the difference?

[Ralph Forbes]

I see no occasion to get irritable over the date.

[Melvin Douglas]

I am not irritable over the date. It's the 10th. I crossed it off the calendar not five minutes ago.

[Ralph Forbes]

My word. And we were buried only one night after all. I swear it seemed a fortnight. We left St. John's at noon.

[Melvin Douglas]

Somebody along with you?

[Ralph Forbes]

My assistant pilot. Phew. We had a time of it, I can tell you.

[Melvin Douglas]

Better bring the other fellow in.

[Jackie Gleason]

Well, I.

[Melvin Douglas]

Life's a bore anyway. I welcome any kind of interruption. Even a couple of men.

[Ralph Forbes]

You are most kind. I say, when is the next boat due?

[Melvin Douglas]

Not long. Good. About six months. If you'd only come two weeks earlier, you'd have caught the last boat.

[Ralph Forbes]

Where's the nearest railroad?

[Melvin Douglas]

Oh, a thousand miles or so.

[Ralph Forbes]

Live here alone, do you?

[Melvin Douglas]

Oh, yes, quite alone.

[Ralph Forbes]

No woman knocking about?

[Melvin Douglas]

Nah. Sorry to break the bad news. There's not a woman within 500 miles.

[Ralph Forbes]

I merely thought it would be convenient.

[Melvin Douglas]

The same thought has occurred to me. At times I feel that I could commit murder to get one here. But somehow I never do.

[Ralph Forbes]

Don't you really? How long since you've seen a woman? I say, how long since you've seen a woman?

[Melvin Douglas]

I'm reckoning Eskimo woman, five months. White woman, seven months. Beautiful woman, two years.

[Ralph Forbes]

What you need, old boy, is some jolly little hobby to occupy the mind.

[Melvin Douglas]

I've got a jolly little hobby. I sit here and regret my misspent youth.

[Narrator/Host]

Good grief, what a pickle.

[Ralph Forbes]

What a wretched pickle. Well, I suppose I'll have to bring her in.

[Melvin Douglas]

Uh huh.

[Ralph Forbes]

My companion is a woman.

[Melvin Douglas]

A woman?

[Narrator/Host]

Oh, a woman.

[Melvin Douglas]

Why didn't you say so? Where is she?

[Ralph Forbes]

Well, she was a bit fagged. I ran on ahead.

[Melvin Douglas]

Listen, she isn't old.

[Ralph Forbes]

Oh, she's young and game as a pebble. Her first trash, too.

[Melvin Douglas]

Has she broken anything?

[Ralph Forbes]

No, no, no, no. Thank heaven. Oh, well, what's the matter? I say, is something wrong?

[Melvin Douglas]

A woman here.

[Jackie Gleason]

A woman.

[Melvin Douglas]

I don't know how I managed it, but somehow I contained myself until that stuffy old fossil reappeared in the doorway with the most gorgeous, lovely, beautiful, handsome, adorable, tantalizing, scintillating lady you've ever seen. And you know what she said? You won't believe this, but she looked straight at me, right into my eyes, and her very first words were, you're very kind, mister.

[Nancy Coleman]

What's your name?

[Ralph Forbes]

No, we didn't introduce ourselves.

[Melvin Douglas]

That's so, we didn't, but we must.

[Ralph Forbes]

I'm Sir James Tempton.

[Vinton Friedley]

Of Montreal.

[Melvin Douglas]

How do you do? My name is. Gee, I've got a name such a long time since I mentioned it. Don't tell me now. I'll find out. Oh, sure, sure. It's Dinsmore. My name is Dascombe Dinsmore. At your service.

[Ralph Forbes]

Miss Campion. May I introduce Mr. Dinsmore?

[Nancy Coleman]

How do you do?

[Melvin Douglas]

The pleasure's all mine, I assure you. May I. May I take your cap?

[Nancy Coleman]

Thank you.

[Melvin Douglas]

Thank you. May I take your coat? May I help you off with your overshoes?

[Ralph Forbes]

Oh, get away from her feet.

[Melvin Douglas]

She's going to stay a long time.

[Nancy Coleman]

I guess I better remove them, Jim.

[Melvin Douglas]

Oh, definitely. I'd love to help.

[Ralph Forbes]

That's all right, Dinsmore.

[Melvin Douglas]

Cigarette?

[Nancy Coleman]

Thank you.

[Melvin Douglas]

Light? I'm so nervous.

[Nancy Coleman]

Thank you.

[Melvin Douglas]

They tell me this is your first crash. And quite a pleasant one.

[Nancy Coleman]

Oh, delightful.

[Ralph Forbes]

Draw right up to the fire.

[Melvin Douglas]

Ethel. Ethel. Oh, Ethel.

[Ralph Forbes]

What's that?

[Melvin Douglas]

I was about to ask, what can I do for you next, Sir James?

[Ralph Forbes]

Well, if we could go to our rooms, Sir James.

[Melvin Douglas]

I think I'll put you in the east room. And, Miss Campion, you will have the west room, which opens there, right opposite mine. My bunk is right beside the wireless.

[Ralph Forbes]

I am to occupy the east room, you see.

[Jackie Gleason]

Yes.

[Melvin Douglas]

And the east or storeroom is right through there, Sir James. Good night.

[Narrator/Host]

I say, I, I.

[Melvin Douglas]

Through this door, Sir James.

[Ralph Forbes]

Now, look here, Dyson.

[Melvin Douglas]

For there. Now then, Miss Campion, would you like to. I mean, shall we? Well, that is. May I?

[Nancy Coleman]

Yes, Mr. Dinsmore.

[Melvin Douglas]

Is there anything I can get for you?

[Nancy Coleman]

No, thanks.

[Melvin Douglas]

A cup of tea?

[Nancy Coleman]

No, thanks.

[Melvin Douglas]

Whiskey and soda? Without the soda?

[Narrator/Host]

No.

[Melvin Douglas]

I'll get you some hot soup later.

[Nancy Coleman]

I beg your pardon.

[Melvin Douglas]

I beg yours.

[Nancy Coleman]

I thought you spoke.

[Melvin Douglas]

No, I. I'm trying to think of something to say.

[Nancy Coleman]

Well, for heaven's sake, hurry up about it.

[Melvin Douglas]

It's very nice to have you here.

[Nancy Coleman]

I imagine you do get frightfully bored.

[Melvin Douglas]

Oh, no, not at all. At times it's frightfully exciting here. Why, only last Sunday we had 2,700 miles of wind.

[Nancy Coleman]

That's a lot of wind, isn't it? Well, I'm sure you and Sir James will hit it off. He likes rough life. The sea and the mountains. He has a ranch own in Saskatchewan. Oh, you'll like him. He's a man's man, too.

[Melvin Douglas]

I am not a man's man.

[Nancy Coleman]

Well, surely you can't be much of a woman's man up here.

[Melvin Douglas]

No, I do labor under difficulties. You're the first beautiful woman I've seen in Two years.

[Nancy Coleman]

Anyone would look attractive to you.

[Melvin Douglas]

Oh, no, no, no, no. I've kept my standards high. You're beautiful. I'll stake my last dollar on it.

[Nancy Coleman]

That'll be quite unnecessary.

[Melvin Douglas]

I'll bet you $5 you're beautiful.

[Nancy Coleman]

Mr. Dinsmore, I think that right now is an excellent time for me to make an announcement.

[Melvin Douglas]

Yes?

[Nancy Coleman]

I'm engaged.

[Melvin Douglas]

Sir James.

[Narrator/Host]

Yes.

[Melvin Douglas]

I'll get the soup. Miss Campion?

[Nancy Coleman]

Yes?

[Melvin Douglas]

Pardon me. I forgot to congratulate you.

[Nancy Coleman]

Thank you.

[Melvin Douglas]

Sir James will be very happy. Miss Campion. Ethel.

[Nancy Coleman]

Yes?

[Melvin Douglas]

You must have been very unhappy at home. Oh, well, after all, engagement is a very frail institution, isn't it? Very frail.

[Nancy Coleman]

I was going to ask you, Mr. Dinsmore.

[Melvin Douglas]

Yes?

[Nancy Coleman]

Is there a minister in the neighborhood?

[Melvin Douglas]

Not within 100 miles.

[Jane Pickens]

Really?

[Melvin Douglas]

And I, Miss Campion, am not a justice of the peace, I'm happy to say. Well, there we were in rather a tight sort of triangle, don't you think? But being the sort of guy I am, I'm going to tell you how we solve matters. After a number of extremely unpleasant days for all three of us, I persuaded Ethel to. To stick around. If you're ever up around Labrador, I'll show you where we. Where the minister's house is. It's only a few hundred miles from our.

[Narrator/Host]

Thank you. Nancy Coleman, Ralph Forbes and Melvyn Douglas.

[Vinton Friedley]

America's finest men choose US army careers. America's finest men choose US army careers. Yes, your US army has set the highest standards in history for enlistment. Only America's finest young men can qualify. That's right. Today, your U.S. army has established highest.

[Melvin Douglas]

Standards in history, and only America's finest men can qualify.

[Vinton Friedley]

America's finest men choose US army careers. America's finest men choose US army careers.

[Narrator/Host]

To the people of the USA from the people of the theater, our thanks for your interest, your time, your attention. Anta. The American National Theatre and Academy was charted by the Congress of the United States to bring the best in the theater to the 48 states in the nation. Through these broadcasts, in cooperation with the United States army, we hope in part to carry on that pledge. Our special thanks this night to the Golden Gate Quartet, to Jackie Gleason, to Jane Pickens, and of course, to Nancy Coleman, Ralph Forbes and Melvin Douglas. Next week.

[Vinton Friedley]

The United States army presents, in the order of their appearance, Vinton Friedley, Mary Jane Walsh, Phil Silvers, the original sisters, Shirley Booth and Joanne Sayers, in a vignette from that delightful farce, my Sister Eileen and Sir Lawrence Olivier. This is Theater usa. Theater USA has been a presentation of the United States army and the United States Air Force Recruiting Service Transcribed in cooperation with the American Broadcasting Company and the American National Theater and Academy. The program was under the executive supervision of Roland Martini. Music was arranged and conducted by Nathan Kroll. Theater USA was written and produced by Howard Tightman. Warren Swinney speaking.

[Jane Pickens]

SA It.