Too Many Cooks 50-07-17 Ep003 Family Portrait

Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio: "Too Many Cooks" Episode 003 – "Family Portrait"

Release Date: April 30, 2025
Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
Description: Dive into the Golden Age of Radio with "Too Many Cooks," a comedic portrayal of the Cook family's chaotic yet heartwarming daily life.

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Overview

In episode three of "Too Many Cooks," titled "Family Portrait," listeners are introduced to the bustling household of Doug and Carrie Cook, a couple managing the challenges of raising ten children. The episode masterfully blends humor with relatable family dynamics, offering a glimpse into the comedic pitfalls of a large family. Central to the plot is the Cook family's attempt to participate in a local supermarket contest for the "biggest family in town," leading to misunderstandings, mischievous schemes, and a heartwarming resolution.

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Main Plot

Morning Mayhem and the Quest for the Newspaper (00:00 - 05:45)

The episode opens with Doug Cook's struggle to retrieve the morning newspaper, which is essential for his children to participate in their daily activities. The chaos is palpable as Doug searches the yard, engaging in humorous exchanges with his neighbor Scotty Cook.

• Notable Quote:
  • Doug Cook (02:02): "Yes. To get to be the father of 10 children, you must one get married. That's all."

Introducing Scotty and Ed: Neighbors with Hidden Agendas (05:45 - 14:20)

Scotty Cook, Doug's neighbor, visits to photograph the Cook family for reasons initially unclear. Doug's brother, Ed Cook, also makes an appearance, adding to the familial confusion. Their interactions hint at underlying tensions and motives beyond mere neighborly camaraderie.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Scotty (05:27): "I want to have the honor of being the first ones to be shot by my new camera."
  • Doug Cook (10:59): "Why shouldn't I be in it?"

The Family Portrait Contest Scheme (14:20 - 27:05)

Carrie Cook discovers a contest hosted by a local supermarket seeking the largest family, offering enticing prizes like ice skates for each child and household appliances. Determined to win, she persuades Doug to enter, unbeknownst to him orchestrating a deceptive plan involving Scotty and Ed.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Carrie Cook (16:33): "We are entering a contest. It was in this morning's paper."
  • Doug Cook (17:06): "I will not exploit my children."

Unveiling the Deception (27:05 - 28:05)

During the submission of their family portrait, Mrs. Lane from the supermarket inspects the entries. Doug realizes that Scotty and Ed have cunningly attempted to register additional individuals, including Doug himself unknowingly being portrayed as part of multiple families.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Doug Cook (24:00): "Mrs. Lane, these men are imposters. Check the pictures."
  • Mrs. Lane (26:32): "In all three of these pictures, the same children. They're Mr. Cook's children. They're Mrs. Scott's children. And they're the other Mr. Cook's children."

Resolution and Family Unity (28:05 - 30:02)

Doug confronts Scotty and Ed, exposing their fraudulent entries. Despite the initial embarrassment, the Cook family rallies together, reaffirming their unity and the value of honesty over competition. The episode concludes with Doug's realization of the importance of vigilance and the warmth of familial bonds.

• Notable Quotes:
  • Doug Cook (27:25): "Somebody sneaked in. You can just see little Stewie Scott's head sticking out of the trash can."
  • Carrie Cook (29:12): "What's going on, dear?"

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Character Dynamics

• Doug Cook: The patriarch, embodying the challenges and comedic frustrations of managing a large family. His exasperation is balanced with his dedication to his family's well-being.

• Carrie Cook: The matriarch, proactive and persuasive, pushing the family to participate in the contest despite Doug's reservations. Her ingenuity is pivotal in unveiling the deceit.

• Ed Cook: Doug's brother, whose bumbling antics and misguided attempts to assist add layers of humor and complexity to the plot.

• Scotty Cook: The well-meaning but misguided neighbor whose actions inadvertently drive the central conflict of the episode.

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Themes and Insights

• Family Unity vs. Competition: The episode underscores the importance of solidarity within the family, contrasting it with the superficial lure of competition and recognition.

• Honesty and Integrity: Doug's insistence on honesty prevails over Scotty and Ed's deceitful tactics, highlighting moral values.

• Parental Challenges: The comedic portrayal of parenting a large family reflects real-world challenges, making the characters relatable and endearing.

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Conclusion

"Family Portrait" is a testament to Harold's Old Time Radio's ability to craft engaging narratives that resonate with listeners. Through witty dialogue, relatable scenarios, and a heartwarming resolution, the episode captures the essence of family life with humor and charm.

Final Notable Quote:

• Doug Cook (29:23): "She'll go on for the rest of our lives, never realizing how thick headed I was."

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Stay tuned to Harold's Old Time Radio for more nostalgic journeys into classic radio storytelling, where every episode promises laughter, heart, and timeless entertainment.

Transcript

[Narrator]

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[Announcer]

The Lux Radio Theater, usually heard at this time throughout the year, is taking its customary summer vacation. Lux Radio Theater will return to CBS six weeks from today, August 28th. There's Doug Cook and Carrie Cook and 10 little Cooks and Uncle Ed Cook. There just too many Cooks. Yes, it's Too Many Cooks, a new comedy program written by Frank Fox and starring Hal March. Doug and Carrie are pretty much an air for each family, except for 10 little differences. They have 10 children. And here is Doug himself to tell you how one gets to be the father of ten children. Doug?

[Doug Cook]

Yes. To get to be the father of 10 children, you must one get married. That's all.

[Announcer]

Every morning, the newsboy comes whizzing past the cookhouse on his bicycle and with expert hand throws the mortar. The crime has been committed, and now it's time for the victim to appear. Yes, there's Doug now. He's looking all over for it. On the lawn, the driveway, in the flower beds, in the rose bushes.

[Doug Cook]

Ouch. Darn. Hey, newsboy. Newsboy. What do you want? Where's our morning paper?

[Timmy Cook]

Can't you find it?

[Doug Cook]

No, Doggone it.

[Scotty]

Hey, Doc.

[Doug Cook]

Oh, morning, Scotty.

[Scotty]

Come on over and sit in my steps.

[Doug Cook]

Aye. Oh, I see you were lucky enough to get your paper.

[Scotty]

My paper? This is yours.

[Doug Cook]

Mine? Yeah.

[Scotty]

The newsboy missed your place completely and your paper landed on my porch.

[Doug Cook]

Well, where's your paper?

[Scotty]

You know, I'm not sure. It whizzed past me, caught my bathrobe belt, unwound it, sailed off into the wild blue yonder and left me standing on the porch with nothing but My pajama tops.

[Doug Cook]

You know, Scotty, with the service that boy gives, I'm sure glad we don't pay him.

[Scotty]

Yeah, you pay a kid like that, he'll just go out and spend the money.

[Doug Cook]

Sure. Well, I've got a wife and 10 kids in the house, each waiting for a part of the paper.

[Scotty]

Say, tell me something, Doug. With 12 of you, how do you divide it up?

[Doug Cook]

We run it through the meat grinder.

[Announcer]

Come on, now.

[Scotty]

How do you do it?

[Doug Cook]

Well, the children have worked out a very fair system. They each take the parts they like and they give me the obituary column.

[Scotty]

Well, you still don't have it as bad with your 10 as I do with my boy, Stewie.

[Doug Cook]

Stewie?

[Scotty]

He insists on having the whole paper all to himself. If I try to take it away from him, he screams. If I get soft and plead with him, he hits me with it. One day he ran down into the cellar, and the next thing I knew, the paper was in the furnace.

[Doug Cook]

Well, did you pull it out?

[Scotty]

No, he wouldn't let go of it.

[Doug Cook]

Scotty. Stewie, never. Oh, skip it. See you later.

[Scotty]

Say, oh, before you go, Doug, would you do me a favor?

[Doug Cook]

What?

[Scotty]

Can I keep your paper?

[Doug Cook]

No, you can't keep our paper.

[Scotty]

I didn't think so. Well, let me ask you another favor. Would you mind if I took a picture of your family today?

[Doug Cook]

That's a different matter. Why should I mind? I'm very flattered to think that you'd want a picture of my family.

[Scotty]

Swell. I really do want it, Doug. And to pay you back anytime you want, you can take a picture of Stewie.

[Doug Cook]

Stewie? Well, no, Scotty. I still have that baby picture of Stewie. You know, the cute one where he's standing in his crib behind the big spider web.

[Scotty]

Oh, that one. Oh, that wasn't a spider web, Doug. Just as I snapped the picture, he threw his bottle. That was a cracked Len.

[Doug Cook]

Please, please, children. Please, please, children. Well, they've certainly got good lungs. Now, you've all got your respective parts of the paper, I've got mine. So we'll all just be nice and quiet and read, huh?

[Carrie Cook]

Upside down.

[Doug Cook]

How else can a guy get a laugh out of the death notices?

[Carrie Cook]

Are we mean to you, dear?

[Doug Cook]

No, no, no, not at all. I just go out and hunt for the paper every morning. I earn the money to buy it. I'm gonna pay that kid someday. I'm a good father, a good husband. But don't worry about me.

[Timmy Cook]

Are you gonna cry, Pop?

[Doug Cook]

No, no, Timmy. I'm not gonna cry, Harry. I think I'll go out in the kitchen and finish reading the account of Lindbergh's flight across the Atlantic. I. I started it yesterday in the kitchen. Yeah, I get to read all the paper under the linoleum.

[Carrie Cook]

Children, you stay here while I go soothe Daddy's feelings, huh? Doug? Yeah, come on. I'll share my part of the paper with you.

[Doug Cook]

No, no, no. You look at your paper, I'll look at my paper. Hmm. Says here they're gonna repeal the 18th amendment.

[Carrie Cook]

Come on now, get up off the floor. Oh, your brother Ed's coming up the walk.

[Doug Cook]

Oh, yeah. To think that he's my brother. Look at that bald head. Funny way he walks. His arms dangling at his sides, his earlobes flopping in the breeze. One minute he looks bow legged, the next minute he looks knock kneed. 28 years old and what a character. But lovable. Oh, he's stopping. Oh, yeah, yeah, Ed. Yeah, very nice, Ed.

[Carrie Cook]

What was that about?

[Doug Cook]

He opened his coat to show me. He's wearing a Hopalong Cassidy belt.

[Carrie Cook]

He'll do anything to please the children.

[Ed Cook]

Hi, Carrie, Doug.

[Doug Cook]

Hello, Ed.

[Ed Cook]

You'll have to forgive me if I look kind of ragged this morning. Last. I don't want the kids to hear this. Last night I went out on an old fashioned tear.

[Doug Cook]

You hoppy.

[Ed Cook]

Oh, cut it out, Ed.

[Doug Cook]

You don't smoke, you don't drink. What kind of a tear were you out on?

[Ed Cook]

I went to the drive in movies.

[Carrie Cook]

Well, Ed, you've got a bruised eye.

[Ed Cook]

It was quite a battle.

[Doug Cook]

A battle? Oh, you took a girlfriend?

[Ed Cook]

No, no, I only had my dog with me. You see, what happened was I got out to get some popcorn. My dog likes popcorn. And when I came back, I got in the wrong car.

[Doug Cook]

Why? I guess we know who won the fight.

[Ed Cook]

I don't think it was me, but, boy, they were two surprised people. I really put up a struggle.

[Carrie Cook]

Well, was the fella very big fella?

[Ed Cook]

It was two girls.

[Doug Cook]

Ed, you are undoubtedly the world's worst bungler. Wherever you go, disaster follows.

[Ed Cook]

Oh, yeah? Who came over when your car wouldn't start last week and took out the motor and the transmission? I did.

[Doug Cook]

And who called the mechanic to put the motor and transmission back in?

[Ed Cook]

You did. By the way, what was the trouble?

[Doug Cook]

I was out of gas.

[Ed Cook]

Well, I'm glad it was something simple for you, but enough idle chatter. See what I have here?

[Doug Cook]

A camera?

[Ed Cook]

Yeah, a brand new one. I want you to get all the kids outside. I want you to have the honor of Being the first ones to be shot by my new camera.

[Carrie Cook]

Oh, well, sure, Ed. Just a minute. I'll fix my hair.

[Doug Cook]

It's certainly coincidence I didn't tell you. Carrie, Scotty wants our picture, too.

[Carrie Cook]

Really? Well, aren't we getting popular? Say, as long as we're gonna have the family out to take pictures. Doug, why don't you get our camera?

[Doug Cook]

Well, do you want to? I don't care.

[Ed Cook]

I'll get the kids.

[Doug Cook]

Hey, this certainly is a picture taking day.

[Carrie Cook]

Uh huh.

[Doug Cook]

Oh, for goodness sakes, Carrie, don't you feel silly primping all up like that just for a snapshot? Women. You talk about a camera and they start to primp and fix. I guess that's the way women are.

[Carrie Cook]

Where are you going, dear?

[Doug Cook]

Upstairs to shave and comb my hair.

[Carrie Cook]

Hey, guys, let's keep it quiet. Children, quiet. All right, Ed, you pose us just the way you want us.

[Ed Cook]

Thanks, Carrie. I think it'll be nice if you all line up according to size. The tallest at this end and the littlest at that end.

[Timmy Cook]

Uncle Ed, I don't want to be on the end.

[Ed Cook]

Now, now, Timmy. After all, you're the littlest.

[Timmy Cook]

But I need a haircut on the end. I'll look like a family dog.

[Doug Cook]

Now, everybody strike a nice pose.

[Carrie Cook]

All right, everybody set?

[Timmy Cook]

Pop?

[Doug Cook]

Yes, Timmy?

[Timmy Cook]

I need a haircut.

[Doug Cook]

You'll get one. Don't worry about it. Now, Ed. Timmy. Ed, where would you like me? Right next to Carrie. Huh?

[Ed Cook]

You? Oh, well, as a matter of fact, Doug, I'd like you to take the picture. It's a new camera. And you know how I know very little about mechanical things. I'll stand next to Carrie.

[Doug Cook]

Oh, but Ed, I. I'm the father of the family.

[Ed Cook]

Stand right beside me, Carrie. There. Ready, Doug?

[Doug Cook]

Why shouldn't I be in it?

[Ed Cook]

Press the button. Thanks a lot, Doug. I'll take my camera back. Thank you. I'm the father. Doug, hurry up and stand over there beside Carrie and the kids.

[Doug Cook]

Wow. This is more like it. Let me get my arm around you, Carrie. This okay, Ed?

[Ed Cook]

Yep. You look great that way, Doug.

[Doug Cook]

So long. I'll be darned.

[Carrie Cook]

What's wrong, dear?

[Doug Cook]

He really didn't want me in the.

[Timmy Cook]

Picture and I'm the father.

[Doug Cook]

Never mind. I need a haircut and forget that too. Carrie, why didn't Ed want me in the picture? I'm his brother. We've been brothers all our lives. All our lives.

[Carrie Cook]

Hey, Dougie, how long have we been brothers?

[Doug Cook]

Oh, about two weeks. Stop that.

[Carrie Cook]

Well, dear, maybe Ed was in a hurry. Say, we can take our picture now, huh?

[Doug Cook]

All right, I'll get ready to. Hey, Doug.

[Carrie Cook]

Oh, it's Scotty at his upstairs window.

[Doug Cook]

Yeah? Well, what do you want? Keep him there. Doug, I'm loading my camera. Oh, I forgot that you wanted to take one too. Scotty, hurry down. I'll get all set beside Carrie. You. Oh, Doug, you misunderstood me. I want to be in the picture. I want you to take it. I'll be down in a few minutes. Carrie, he doesn't want to take my picture either. What's the matter? Am I homely?

[Timmy Cook]

No, Pop, you're beautiful.

[Carrie Cook]

Now, Timmy, don't tease Daddy.

[Doug Cook]

What do you mean, tease me? I agree with him. I mean, I think I'm at least average in looks.

[Carrie Cook]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, dear. Well, let's get our picture, huh?

[Doug Cook]

Am I out of this one too? Who's gonna snap it?

[Carrie Cook]

Oh, I didn't think. Oh, we're in luck. Here comes our mailman.

[Doug Cook]

Oh, yeah. Hi, Mr. Tacky.

[Carrie Cook]

Welcome, Mr. Tawe. Good morning.

[Mr. Tacky]

Morning. Got em all lined up out here, eh? So this is how you do it. Often wondered. Often wondered.

[Doug Cook]

This is how we do what?

[Mr. Tacky]

Why, what you're doing, of course. Taking inventory.

[Ed Cook]

We?

[Mr. Tacky]

Not the ones that ain't yours?

[Carrie Cook]

No, no, Mr. Tacky. We're taking a family picture.

[Timmy Cook]

Oh.

[Carrie Cook]

We'd like you to snap it for us. Would you?

[Mr. Tacky]

Why, certainly.

[Ed Cook]

Sure.

[Mr. Tacky]

Glad to oblige. Glad to oblige.

[Doug Cook]

Let me get beside you, Carrie.

[Narrator]

Uh huh.

[Mr. Tacky]

Pretty good, pretty good. Move the fat boy up a little.

[Carrie Cook]

Mr. Tacky, you're focusing on the trash barrel.

[Scotty]

What?

[Mr. Tacky]

What? So I am. So I. Goodness, I'm all in a dither today. Upset because of my eldest daughter, Crother. Crother? Tacky.

[Doug Cook]

What's the matter with Crother?

[Mr. Tacky]

Awful. She went to the drive in movies last night with another girl and some fella got with a dog eating popcorn and started hitting them.

[Announcer]

Take.

[Doug Cook]

Take the picture, please.

[Mr. Tacky]

Oh, all right. All right. Now steady now. Steady. Oh goodness, my hands are shaky. Shaky. Shaky. Might be a good idea if you all sort of shake with me to steady the picture.

[Doug Cook]

Uh huh.

[Mr. Tacky]

Now move back a little. All set. Now all just one little thing. Would you move your dog in a little bit?

[Timmy Cook]

I told you I needed a haircut.

[Announcer]

You are listening to Too Many Cooks, starring Hal March as Doug. With Mary Jane Croft as Carrie. A shipwrecked husband, a soldier of fortune and a female buzzsaw. Those are the folks who find Satan's waiting this Tuesday night on cbs. The old boy brings them plenty of Trouble in addition to what they cook up for themselves when the soldier of fortune poses as the husband for a shakedown. Also on CBS this Tuesday night, you'll find more action and adventure when Mystery Theater's Inspector Hearthstone solves the strange death of a young girl in a fabulous Victorian mansion on Fifth Avenue. Mystery Theater and Satan's Waiting are heard every Tuesday on most of these same CBS stations. Be listening for them tomorrow night, won't you? Doug's feelings were hurt today. His neighbor Scotty and his brother Ed took pictures of his family, but didn't take a picture of Doug. Doug's picture was finally taken, though by the mailman. But still, he can understand why his brother and his neighbor didn't want his picture. How things change. Why, when Doug was just a small boy, everyone wanted to take his picture, even his little pals.

[Timmy Cook]

Dougie. Dougie, look. I have bought a new camera. Look at it. Gee whiz. I would like to take your picture. May I take my picture? Gee whiz. Yes, you may take my picture. Thanks, Dougie.

[Carrie Cook]

Dougie, is that little boy going to take your picture?

[Timmy Cook]

Yes, Mama dear.

[Mrs. Lane]

Very well then. You know what you must do.

[Timmy Cook]

Yes, Mama.

[Carrie Cook]

Where are you going?

[Timmy Cook]

In the house to put on my pants.

[Carrie Cook]

Doug?

[Doug Cook]

Yes, dear?

[Carrie Cook]

I have something to tell you, dear. It's about the picture I had Mr. Tackey take of us.

[Doug Cook]

What about it?

[Carrie Cook]

Well, I know how you feel about the children, but we're entering a contest. It was in this morning's paper.

[Doug Cook]

A contest?

[Carrie Cook]

Yes. You know the new supermarket opening down on Staub Street?

[Doug Cook]

Yeah.

[Carrie Cook]

Well, they're having a contest to find the biggest family in town.

[Doug Cook]

Uh huh.

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

I see.

[Doug Cook]

Carrie, your fears about telling me were justified. We will not enter our children in a contest.

[Carrie Cook]

Well, now, just wait. Now let me read you the list of prizes right here in the paper. A waffle iron, an electric mixer, a pair of ice skates for each child. We will not enter dancing lessons at Arthur Murray?

[Doug Cook]

No.

[Carrie Cook]

A new Step Down Hudson jar of peanut butter.

[Doug Cook]

You're just trying to win me over. You know I like peanut butter. But we won't enter. I will not exploit my children.

[Carrie Cook]

But, honey, it's so simple. All we have to do is send in a picture of the family.

[Doug Cook]

No, dear.

[Carrie Cook]

A new car.

[Doug Cook]

We have a very nice station wagon.

[Carrie Cook]

Nice. The fenders are falling off.

[Doug Cook]

I beg your pardon? They're wired on very securely.

[Carrie Cook]

What about the running boards? When you step on them, they bend clear to the ground.

[Doug Cook]

So where do you think they got the idea for the step Down, Hudson.

[Carrie Cook]

Doug, really. I want us to enter that contest.

[Doug Cook]

No, Carrie, I will not commercialize our children.

[Carrie Cook]

What's this about a contest, Mom? Oh, never mind, Tommy. Your daddy won't let us enter. He won't let us enter. What, Mom?

[Timmy Cook]

Well, what's about the contest? What's about it?

[Carrie Cook]

The new supermarket is having a contest, and there are all sorts of prizes, including a pair of ice skates for each child. But Daddy doesn't want to enter. Are you ashamed of us, dad? You already have a picture. The one Mr. Tacky took this morning.

[Doug Cook]

Laurie, it just doesn't seem fair.

[Carrie Cook]

You can start counting on the ice skates, children.

[Timmy Cook]

Mom said we could start counting on the ice skates. But Pop hasn't said yes yet.

[Carrie Cook]

Don't worry about it. Mom knows how to tell when he's.

[Mrs. Lane]

Starting to give in.

[Carrie Cook]

He's still shaking his head no. That doesn't mean a thing. Mom knows when he's gonna give in. He's still shaking his head no. Mom knows him like a book. Any second now, he'll say, okay, we'll enter the contest.

[Doug Cook]

Okay, we'll enter the contest.

[Mrs. Lane]

I told you, boy.

[Carrie Cook]

The way women know men, it makes a guy almost afraid to hear his voice starting to change.

[Timmy Cook]

What you doing, Pop?

[Doug Cook]

Oh, Timmy. Well, well, I'll explain, son. Remember three days ago when the mailman took our picture out in front?

[Timmy Cook]

Yeah. Hey, Pop, what's that funny thing that goes up and down in your throat when you talk, huh?

[Doug Cook]

Oh, that's my Adam's apple, son. Now, three days ago, I mailed a picture into the supermarket, see?

[Timmy Cook]

Why don't I have an Adam's apple?

[Doug Cook]

You'll have one when you get older and have a neck big enough to hold it. Anyway, this morning Daddy got a letter that said a Mrs. Lane from the supermarket will be over this afternoon to check and see if we really have 10 children. You understand?

[Timmy Cook]

What's it for?

[Doug Cook]

What's it? It's for a contest.

[Timmy Cook]

Is this the first time you ever put your Adam's apple in a contest?

[Doug Cook]

Timmy, I. I didn't mean my. Oh, never mind. You asked what I was doing. I'm checking over the list of prizes we're going to win. Now run along.

[Carrie Cook]

Okay.

[Doug Cook]

Pop them zapple.

[Ed Cook]

Well, thanks for opening the door to. Oh, Doug.

[Doug Cook]

Come on in, Ed.

[Timmy Cook]

Hey, Uncle Ed.

[Ed Cook]

Yes, Timmy?

[Timmy Cook]

You sure got a neat haircut, boy.

[Ed Cook]

Thanks, Timmy.

[Timmy Cook]

What kind of a haircut is it?

[Ed Cook]

It's an under the scalp crew cut.

[Doug Cook]

Sit down, Ed.

[Ed Cook]

Doug, I didn't expect to find you Home? How come you aren't down at the furniture store?

[Doug Cook]

Well, can't I come home if I want to? After all, I own the furniture store. I am the boss.

[Ed Cook]

Aren't you afraid of getting fired?

[Doug Cook]

Sit down, will you?

[Carrie Cook]

Well, hello, Ed. What brings you here today?

[Doug Cook]

Oh, nothing.

[Ed Cook]

Carrie just dropped in. No special reason. Doug, if you're going someplace, don't let me keep you.

[Doug Cook]

I'm not going anyplace, Doug.

[Ed Cook]

You shouted at me. I didn't come over here to be shouted at. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave.

[Doug Cook]

Please pipe down and let me relax.

[Ed Cook]

It's nice outside.

[Doug Cook]

I'm not going out. Hmm?

[Carrie Cook]

What'd you say, Doug?

[Doug Cook]

Nothing, Carrie. I'm just thinking to myself about something.

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

Doug, old man, there's something strange going on, don't you think?

[Doug Cook]

Yes, there is.

[Ed Cook]

What'd you say?

[Doug Cook]

I'm just thinking.

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

Ed wants you out of the house. Now think, Doug, think. Why would he want you out of the house? Surprise him, Doug, as fast as you can. Flash the question at him, Ed.

[Doug Cook]

Why do you want me out of the house?

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

Don't answer too fast, baldy.

[Ed Cook]

Well, Doug, I.

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

He took a picture of the family the same day you did, Doug. Is there any connection? And what about Scotty? He took a picture the same day. Well, maybe you're wrong, Doug. There can't be a connection. If there was, Scotty would be here too.

[Carrie Cook]

Oh, Scotty just came in the back door.

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

Well, Doug, old knucklehead, what do you think now?

[Doug Cook]

Howdy, Carrie. Doug? Doug, are you home? Am I? No, I'm not home. I'm a mirage.

[Ed Cook]

Careful you don't get the sofa wet.

[Carrie Cook]

It won't be long, children. Just quiet down. It won't be long.

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

One last piece of evidence, Doug. Something that slipped by, you completely remember the day it started. Scotty asked if he could keep your paper. He didn't want you to find out about the contest. Face it, Doug. These two birds have entered the contest. They're trying to steal a title that's so rightly yours. Jackpot Cook. Tell Carrie, Doug. No, no, don't tell her. You be the hero. Expose them when Mrs. Lane comes in.

[Carrie Cook]

Oh, that must be Mrs. Lane. Now I get it.

[Doug Cook]

What are you two.

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

Ed.

[Doug Cook]

Scotty, come back here.

[Ed Cook]

Don't worry, Doug.

[Doug Cook]

Relax, Doug.

[Ed Cook]

I'm telling you. Scotty, get out of here.

[Doug Cook]

I know what you've done, but you're.

[Scotty]

Not getting that loot away from me.

[Doug Cook]

Marblehead.

[Ed Cook]

Get your hands off that door.

[Doug Cook]

Get yours off.

[Mrs. Lane]

Hello. I'm Mrs. Lane from the supermarket.

[Doug Cook]

How do you do? You're Mrs. Lane.

[Mrs. Lane]

Yes, and you're Mr. Cooke. Even without my glasses, I can tell the picture is a perfect likeness.

[Doug Cook]

Children. Barbara, Jean, Laurie, Bobby, all of you, Say hello to Mrs. Lane.

[Timmy Cook]

Hello, Mrs. Lane.

[Scotty]

Mrs. Lane. I'm Mr. Scott.

[Doug Cook]

Do I win?

[Mrs. Lane]

Mr. Scott? My goodness, the address. Oh, but the face. I never forget a face.

[Scotty]

Give me my prizes.

[Ed Cook]

I'm Mr. Cooke.

[Mrs. Lane]

Your voice has changed.

[Doug Cook]

I'm Mr. Cooke.

[Mrs. Lane]

Gracious. In one second you grew a full head of hair.

[Carrie Cook]

Mom, what's going on? I'm sure I don't know, Tommy. Mrs. Lane, I'm Mrs. Cook.

[Mrs. Lane]

Oh, of course. I'd recognize you anywhere.

[Ed Cook]

And that's my wife. May I add the prizes, please?

[Scotty]

She's my wife. Where's my prizes?

[Doug Cook]

Mrs. Lane, these men are imposters. Check the pictures.

[Mrs. Lane]

That's just what I'm doing. My goodness. In all three of these pictures, the same children. They're Mr. Cook's children. They're Mrs. Scott's children. And they're the other Mr. Cook's children. Oh, dear. Well, I'm just afraid this is too much for me. We'd better forget about the contest. As far as you're concerned.

[Carrie Cook]

Very neatly done, Doug.

[Doug Cook]

Huh? What do you mean?

[Carrie Cook]

You didn't want to enter the contest in the first place, so you cooked up a nice little deal so we'd be disqualified. Oh, so help me carry on, Mrs. Lane. If you think this has upset you, believe me, it has upset me too. And with that thought in mind, plus the fact that I'd like to give these three partners in a dirty trick something to chat with you about. You'd better sit down, Mrs. Lane. Why, I'm not even married.

[Doug Cook]

Well, do you believe me now, Carrie?

[Carrie Cook]

Yes, dear, I do. But you didn't tell me about Scotty trying to get the paper away from you. Why didn't the whole thing occur to you? It would have to me.

[Doug Cook]

Who'd ever think of such a thing? Entering another man's family in a contest. They want 10 kids. Why don't they go out and get them the way I did? I didn't need anybody's help.

[Carrie Cook]

Oh, that's right. I was in Africa when you had the children.

[Doug Cook]

I didn't mean.

[Carrie Cook]

Do you think Scotty and Ed will do as you told them?

[Doug Cook]

Well, they'd better. If they haven't gone down there and explained a thing to Mrs. Lane by now, I'll really let him have it. I had a big fight with Ed once, you know.

[Carrie Cook]

Yes, I remember, dear. He blacked your eye, knocked you down, bruised your leg and sprained your hip.

[Doug Cook]

Yeah, but he had my teeth marks on his ankle for weeks.

[Carrie Cook]

Oh, keep your fingers crossed.

[Doug Cook]

Yeah.

[Carrie Cook]

Oh, Mrs. Lane, come in.

[Mrs. Lane]

Thank you, Mrs. Cooke.

[Doug Cook]

Hello, Mrs. Lane.

[Mrs. Lane]

Oh, I'm so glad this has been straightened out, Mr. Cook. A man who's contributed so much to the world certainly deserves the reward.

[Doug Cook]

Oh, it was nothing. Just good, healthful living.

[Mrs. Lane]

Of course you win, but actually, even if the others had really been in the contest, you would have won anyway.

[Carrie Cook]

Well, I don't follow you, Mrs. Lane.

[Mrs. Lane]

Well, there was a slight difference between the other pictures and yours. The other two only showed 10 children. Your picture showed 11.

[Doug Cook]

Well, that's the. Carrie, what have you been up to? Let me see that picture. Mrs. Lane, I. I didn't notice anything. I certainly can't imagine.

[Carrie Cook]

Well, let me see, dear.

[Doug Cook]

1, 2, 3, 8, 9, 10, 11.

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

Carrie, look.

[Doug Cook]

Somebody sneaked in.

[Carrie Cook]

Oh, for goodness sake.

[Doug Cook]

You can just see little Stewie Scott's head sticking out of the trash can. Men want to claim my children. Children want to claim me as their father. Everybody wants to get into the.

[Announcer]

And now it's bedtime at the Home of the Cooks.

[Carrie Cook]

You asleep, Don?

[Doug Cook]

No, no, dear. Just lying here thinking. I still can't figure out why you didn't catch on to Ed and Scotty. Every story you read, the wife is supposed to be the clever one, you know.

[Carrie Cook]

Well, as I said, dear, you didn't tell me about Scotty trying to get the paper away from him. And besides that, I had to worry about whether or not you'd let us enter. Also, I have 10 children to look after and cook for. What's your excuse? Why didn't you catch on?

[Doug Cook]

Well, Carrie.

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

Doug, old bean, you better at least pretend you caught on. If you don't, she's gonna think you're pretty stupid.

[Doug Cook]

Well, Carrie, as a matter of fact, I did catch up. Oh, yeah, very early, too. Right after Ed and Scotty took the pictures.

[Carrie Cook]

Well, then why didn't you say something?

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

Think fast, Doug. Think very fast. Pretend to be asleep. Yeah, that's it.

[Carrie Cook]

Are you asleep, dear?

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

She fell for it.

[Doug Cook]

She'll go on for the rest of our lives, never realizing how thick headed I was.

[Carrie Cook]

He thinks he put something over on me, but he seems so happy. I won't ever let on.

[Voice of Doug's Conscience]

She'S thinking about me. Sometimes I believe she can actually get into my thoughts, my innermost secrets. I'll see if she can. I'll think good night to her. Good night, Carrie.

[Carrie Cook]

Good night, dear.

[Doug Cook]

I knew it.

[Announcer]

Too Many Talks is written by Frank Fox and Rick Ballard with Bob Porter and Lou Armbre. Produced and directed by Morton T. Hughes. Original music was composed and conducted by Marlon Child. This is Roy Rowan speaking. This is cbs, where you eavesdrop with a candid microphone. Tuesday night, the Columbia Broadcasting System.