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Too Many Cooks 50-07-17 Ep003 Family Portrait
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Too Many Cooks 50-07-17 Ep003 Family Portrait
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Ryan Seacrest
Ryan Seacrest here. When you have a busy schedule, it's important to maximize your downtime. One of the best ways to do that is by going to chumbacasino.com Chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino games like spin slots, bingo and solitaire that you can play for free for a chance to redeem some serious prizes. So hop on to chumbacasino.com now and live the Chumba life, sponsored by Chumba Casino. No purchase necessary. VGW Group void where prohibited by law 21 terms and conditions apply. The Lux Radio Theater, usually heard at this time throughout the year, is taking its customary summer vacation. Lux Radio Theater will return to CBS six weeks from today, August 28th. There's Doug Cook and Carrie Cook and 10 little Cooks and Uncle Ed Cook. There are just too many cooks. Yes, it's Too Many Cooks, a new comedy program written by Frank Fox and starring Hal March. Doug and Carrie Cook are pretty much an air for each family, except for 10 little differences. They have 10 children. And here is Doug himself to tell you how one gets to be the father of ten children. Doug? Yes. To get to be the father of 10 children, you must one get married. That's all. Every morning, the newsboy comes whizzing past the cookhouse on his bicycle and with expert hand throws the morning paper. The crime has been committed, and now it's time for the victim to appear. Yes, there's Doug now. He's looking all over for it. On the lawn, the driveway, in the flower beds, in the rose bushes. Ouch. Darn. Hey, newsboy. Newsboy. What do you want? Where's our morning paper? Can't you find it? No. Doggone it. Hey, Doc. Hmm? Oh, morning, Scotty. Come on over and sit in my steps. All right. Oh, I see you were lucky enough to get your paper. My paper? This is yours. Mine? Yeah. The newsboy missed your place completely. And your paper landed on my porch. Well, where's your paper? You know, I'm not sure. It whizzed past me, caught my bathrobe belt, unwound it, sailed off into the wild blue yonder and left me standing on the porch with nothing but my pajama tops. You know, Scotty, with the service that boy gives, I'm sure glad we don't pay him. Yeah, you pay a kid like that, he'd just go out and spend the money. Sure. Well, I've got a wife and 10 kids in the house, each waiting for a part of the paper. Say, tell me something, Doug. With 12 of you, how do you divide it up? We run it through the meat grinder. Come on, now, how do you do it? Well, the children have worked out a very fair system, Scotty. They each take the parts they like and they give me the obituary column. Well, you still don't have it as bad with your 10 as I do with my boy Stewie. Stewie? He insists on having the whole paper all to himself. If I try to take it away from him, he screams. If I get soft and plead with him, he hits me with it. One day he ran down into the cellar, and the next thing I knew, the paper was in the furnace. Well, did you pull it out? No, he wouldn't let go of it. Scotty. Stewie, never. Oh, skip it. See you later. Say, oh, before you go, Doug, would you do me a favor? What? Can I keep your paper? No, you can't keep our paper. I didn't think so. Well, let me ask you another favor. Would you mind if I took a picture of your family today? That's a different matter. Why should I mind? I'm very flattered to think that you'd want a picture of my family. Swell. I really do want it, Doug. And to pay you back anytime you want, you can take a picture of Stewie. Stewie? Well, no, Scotty. I still have that baby picture of Stewie. You know, the cute one where he's standing in his crib behind the big spider web. Oh, that one. Oh, that wasn't a spider web, Doug. Just as I snapped the picture, he threw his bottle. That was a cracked Len. Please, please, children. Please, please, children. Well, they've certainly got good lungs. Now, you've all got your respective parts of the paper, I've got mine. So we'll all just be nice and quiet and read, huh? Upside down. How else can a guy get a laugh out of the death notices? Are we mean to you, dear? No, no, no, not at all. I just go out and hunt for the paper every morning. I earn the money to buy it. I'm gonna pay that kid someday. I'm a good father, a good husband, but don't worry about me. Are you gonna cry, Pop? No, no, Timmy, I'm not gonna cry. Harry, I think I'll go out in the kitchen and finish reading the account of Lindbergh's flight across the Atlantic. I. I started it yesterday in the kitchen. Yeah, I get to read all the paper under the linoleum. Children, you stay here while I go soothe Daddy's feelings, huh, Doug? Yeah, come on. I'll share my part. Of the paper with you. No, no, no. You look at your paper, I'll look at my paper. Hmm. Says here they're gonna repeal the 18th amendment. Come on now, get up off the floor. All right. Oh, your brother Ed's coming up the walk. Oh, yeah. To think that he's my brother. Look at that bald head. Funny way he walks. His arms dangling at his sides, his earlobes flopping in the breeze. One minute he looks, the next minute he looks knock kneed. 28 years old and what a character. But lovable. Oh, he's stopping. Yeah, yeah, Ed. Yeah, very nice, Ed. What was that about? He opened his coat to show me. He's wearing a Hopalong Cassidy belt. He'll do anything to please the children. Hi, Carrie, Doug. Hello, Ed. You'll have to forgive me if I look kind of ragged this morning. Last. I don't want the kids to hear this. Last night I went out on an old fashioned tear. You hoppy. Oh, cut it out, Ed. You don't smoke, you don't drink. What kind of a tear were you out on? I went to the drive in movies. Well, Ed, you've got a bruised eye. It was quite a battle. A battle? Oh, you took a girlfriend. No, no, I only had my dog with me. You see, what happened was I got out to get some popcorn. My dog likes popcorn. And when I came back, I got in the wrong car. Why? I guess we know who won the fight. I don't think it was me, but, boy, they were two surprised people. I really put up a struggle. Well, was the fella very big fella? It was two girls. Ed, you are undoubtedly the world's worst bungler. Wherever you go, disaster follows. Oh, yeah? Who came over when your car wouldn't start last week and took out the motor and the transmission? I did. And who called the mechanic to put the motor and transmission back in? You did. By the way, what was the trouble? I was out of gas. Well, I'm glad it was something simple for you, but enough idle chatter. See what I have here? A camera? Yeah, a brand new one. I want you to get all the kids outside. I want you to have the honor of being the first ones to be shot by my new camera. Oh, well, sure, Ed. Just a minute. I'll fix my hair. It's certainly coincidence. I. I didn't tell you. Carrie, Scotty wants our picture, too. Really? Well, aren't we getting popular? Say, as long as we're gonna have the family out to take pictures, Doug, why don't you get our Camera. Well, do you want to? I don't care. I'll get the kids. Hey, this certainly is a picture taking day. Uh huh. Oh, for goodness sakes, Harry. Don't you feel silly primping all up like that just for a snapshot? Women. You talk about a camera and they start to primp and fix. I guess that's the way women are. Where are you going, dear? Upstairs to shave and comb my hair. Hey, stupid. All right, now, let's keep it quiet, children. Quiet. All right. And you post just the way you want us to. Thanks, Carrie. I think it'll be nice if you all line up according to size. The tallest at this end and the littlest at that end. Uncle Ed, I don't want to be on the end. Now, now, Timmy. After all, you're the littlest. But I need a haircut. On the end. I'll look like the family dog. Now, everybody strike a nice pose. All right, everybody set? Pop? Yes, Timmy? I need a haircut. You'll get one. Don't worry about it. Now, Ed. Timmy. Ed, where would you like me? Right next to Carrie. Huh? You? Oh, well, as a matter of fact, I'd like you to take the picture. It's a new camera. And you know how I know very little about mechanical things. I'll stand next to Carrie. Oh, but Ed, I. I'm the father of the family. Stand right beside me, Carrie. There. Ready, Doug? Why shouldn't I be in it? Press the button. Thanks a lot, Doug. I'll take my camera back. Thank you. I'm the father. Doug, hurry up and stand over there beside Carrie and the kids. Wow. This is more like it. Let me get my arm around you, Carrie. This okay, Ed? Yep. You look great that way, Doug. So long. Well, I'll be darned. What's wrong, dear? He really didn't want me in the picture and I'm the father. Never mind. I need a haircut and forget that too. Carrie, why didn't Ed want me in the picture? I'm his brother. We've been brothers all our lives. All our lives. Hey, Dougie, how long have we been brothers? Oh, about two weeks. Stop that. Well, dear, maybe Ed was in a hurry. Say, we can take our picture now, huh? All right, I'll get ready to. Hey, Doug. Oh, it's Scotty at his upstairs window. Yeah? Well, what do you want? Keep him there. Doug. I'm loading my camera. Oh, I forgot that you wanted to take one too. Scotty, hurry down. I'll get all set beside Carrie. You. Oh, Doug, you Misunderstood me. I want to be in the picture. I want you to take it. I'll be down a few minutes. Carrie. He doesn't want to take my picture either. What's the matter? Am I homely? No, Pop, you're beautiful. Now Timmy, don't tease daddy. What do you mean, tease me? I agree with him. I mean, I think I'm at least average in looks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, dear. Well, let's get our picture, huh? Am I out of this one too? Who's gonna snap it? Oh, I didn't think. Oh, we're in luck. Here comes our mailman. Oh, yeah. Hi, Mr. Tacky. Well, hello, Mr. Tawny. Good morning. Morning. Got em all lined up out here, eh? So this is how you do it. Often wondered. Often wondered. This is how we do what? Well, what you're doing, of course. Taking inventory. We? Not the ones that ain't yours? No, no, Mr. Tacky. We're taking a family picture. Oh. We'd like you to snap it for us. Would you? Why certainly. Sure. Glad to oblige. Glad to oblige. Let me get beside you, Carrie. Uh huh. Pretty good, pretty good. Move the fat boy up a little. Mr. Tacky, you're focusing on the trash barrel. What? What? So I am. So I. Goodness, I'm all in a dither today. Upset because of my eldest daughter Crother. Crother? Tacky. What's the matter with Crother? Awful. She went to the drive in movies last night with another girl and some fella got car with a dog eating popcorn and started hitting them. Take. Take the picture, please. Oh, all right, all right. Now steady. Now steady. Oh goodness, my hands are shaky. Shaky. Shaky. Might be a good idea if you all sort of shake with me to steady the picture. Now move back a little. All set now. All just one little thing. Would you move your dog in a little bit? I told you I needed a haircut. You are listening to Too Many Cooks. Starring Hal March as Doug. With Mary Jane Croft as Carrie, a shipwrecked husband, a soldier of fortune and a female buzzsaw. Those are the folks who find Satan's Waiting this Tuesday night on cbs. The old boy brings them plenty of trouble in addition to what they cook up for themselves when the soldier of fortune poses as the husband for a shakedown. Also on CBS this Tuesday night, you'll find more action and adventure when mystery theaters. Inspector Hearthstone solves the strange death of a young girl in a fabulous Victorian mansion on fifth Avenue. Mystery Theater and Satan's Waiting are heard every Tuesday on most of these same CBS stations. Be listening for them tomorrow night, won't you? Doug's feelings were hurt today. His neighbor Scotty and his brother Ed took pictures of his family, who but didn't take a picture of Doug. Doug's picture was finally taken, though by the mailman. But still, he can understand why his brother and his neighbor didn't want his picture. How things change. Why when Doug was just a small boy, everyone wanted to take his picture. Even his little fat Ryan Seacrest here. When you have a busy schedule, it's important to maximize your downtime. One of the best ways to do that is by going to chumbacasino.com. chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino games like spin slots, bingo and solitaire that you can play for free for a chance to redeem some serious prizes. So hop on to chumbacasino.com now and live the Chumba life. Sponsored by Chumba Casino. No purchase necessary. VGW Group void where prohibited by law 21 terms and conditions apply. Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on the beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia Made to travel. Dougie. Dougie, look. I have bought a new camera. Look at it. Gee whiz. I would like to take your picture. May I? Take my picture? Gee whiz. Yes, you may take my picture. Thanks, Dougie. Dougie, is that little boy going to take your picture? Yes, Mama dear. Very well then. You know what you must do. Yes, Mama. Where are you going? In the house to put on my pants. Doug? Yes, dear? I have something to tell you, dear. It's about the picture I had Mr. Tacky take of us. What about it? Well, I know how you feel about the children, but we're entering a contest. It was in this morning's paper. A contest? Yes. You know the new supermarket opening down on Staub Street? Yeah. Well, they're having a contest to find the biggest family in town. Uh huh. I see. Carrie, your fears about telling me were justified. We will not enter our children in a contest. Well, now, just wait. Now let me read you the list of prizes right here in the paper. A waffle iron, an electric mixer, a pair of ice skates for each child. We will not enter dancing lessons at Arthur Murray. No. A new Step Down Hudson jar of peanut butter. You're just trying to win me over. You know I like peanut butter. But we won't Enter. I will not exploit my children, Carol. But, honey, it's so simple. All we have to do is send in a picture of the family. No, dear. A new car. We have a very nice station wagon. Nice. The fenders are falling off. I beg your pardon? They're wired on very securely. What about the running boards? When you step on them, they bend clear to the ground. So where do you think they got the idea for the Step Down Hudson? Doug, really. I want us to enter that contest. No, Carrie. I will not commercialize our children. What's this about a contest, Mom? Oh, never mind, Tommy. Your daddy won't let us enter. He won't let us enter. What, Mom? What's about the contest? What's about it? The new supermarket is having a contest, and there are all sorts of prizes, including a pair of ice skates for each child. But Daddy doesn't want to enter. Are you ashamed of us, dad? You already have a picture. The one Mr. Tacky took this morning. Laurie, it just doesn't seem fair. You can start counting on the ice skates, children. Mom said we could start counting on the ice skates. But Pop hasn't said yes yet. Don't worry about it. Mom knows how to tell. When he's starting to give in. He's still shaking his head no. That doesn't mean a thing. Mom knows when he's gonna give in. He's still shaking his head no. Mom knows him like a book. Any second now, he'll say, okay, we'll enter the contest. Okay, we'll enter the contest. I told ya, boy, the way women know men, it makes a guy almost afraid to hear his voice starting to. What you doing, Pop? Oh, Timmy. Well, well, I'll explain. Son, remember three days ago when the mailman took our picture out in front? Yeah. Hey, Pop, what's that funny thing that goes up and down in your throat when you talk? Huh? Oh. Oh, that's my Adam's apple, son. Now, three days ago, I mailed the picture into the supermarket, See? Why don't I have an Adam's apple? You'll have one when you get older and have a neck big enough to hold it. Anyway, this morning, Daddy got a letter that said a Mrs. Lane from the supermarket will be over this afternoon to check and see if we really have 10 children. You understand? What's it for? What's it? It's for a contest. Is this the first time you ever put your Adam's apple on a contest? Timmy, I didn't mean my contest. Oh, never mind. You asked What I was doing. I'm checking over the list of prizes we're gonna win. Now, run along. Okay, Pop. Then, Zapple. Well, thanks for opening the door to. Oh, Doug. Come on in, Ed. Hey, Uncle Ed. Yes, Timmy? You sure got a neat haircut, boy. Thanks, Timmy. What kind of a haircut is it? It's an under the scalp crew. Sit down, Ed. Doug, I didn't expect to find you home. How come you aren't down at the furniture store? Well, can't I come home if I want to? After all, I own the furniture store. I. I am the boss. Aren't you afraid of getting fired? Sit down, will you? Well, hello, Ed. What brings you here today? Oh, nothing. Carrie just dropped in. No special reason. Doug, if you're going someplace, don't let me keep you. I'm not going anyplace. Doug. You shouted at me. I didn't come over here to be shouted at. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to leave. Please pipe down and let me relax. It's nice outside. I'm not going out. Hmm? What'd you say, Doug? No, nothing, Carrie. I'm just thinking to myself about something. Doug, old man, there's something strange going on, don't you think? Yes, there is. What'd you say? I'm just thinking. Ed wants you out of the house. Now think, Doug, think. Why would he want you out of the house? Surprise him, Doug, as fast as you can, flash the question at him, Ed. Why do you want me out of the house? Don't answer too fast, baldy. Well, Doug, I. He took a picture of the family the same day you did, Doug. Is there any connection? And what about Scotty? He took a picture the same day. Well, maybe you're wrong, Doug. There can't be a connection. If there was, Scotty would be here too. Oh, Scotty just came in the back door. Well, Doug, old knucklehead, what do you think now? Howdy, Carrie. I. Doug. Doug, are you home? Am I? No, I'm not home. I'm a mirage. Careful you don't get the sofa wet. It won't be long, children. Just quiet down. It won't be long. One last piece of evidence, Doug. Something that slipped by you completely. Remember the day it started. Scotty asked if he could keep your paper. He didn't want you to find out about the contest. Face it, Doug. These two birds have entered the contest. They're trying to steal a title that's so rightly yours. Jackpot Cook. Tell Carrie, Doug. No, no, don't tell her. You be the hero. Expose them when Mrs. Lane comes in. Oh, that must be Mrs. Lane now. What are you two Ed? Scotty, come back here. Don't worry, Doug. Relax. Doug. I'm telling you. Scotty, get out of here. I know what you've done, but you're not getting that loot away from me. Marblehead. Get your hands off that door. Get yours off. Hello. I'm Mrs. Lane from the supermarket. How do you do? You're Mrs. Lane? Yes, and you're Mr. Cook. Even without my glasses, I can tell the picture is a perfect likeness. Children, Barbara, Jean, Laurie, Bobby, all of you, say hello to Mrs. Lane. Hello, Ms. Lane. Ms. Lane, I'm Mr. Scott. Do I win, Mr. Scott? My goodness, the address. Oh, but the face. I never forget a face. Give me my prizes. I'm Mr. Cook. Your voice has changed. I'm Mr. Cooke. Gracious. In one second you grew a full head of hair. Mom, what's going on? I'm sure I don't know, Tommy. Mrs. Lane, I'm Mrs. Cooke. Oh, of course. I'd recognize you anywhere. And that's my wife. May I have the prizes, please? She's my wife. Where's my prizes? Mrs. Lane, these men are imposters. Check the pictures. That's just what I'm doing. My goodness. In all three of these pictures are the same children. They're Mr. Cook's children. They're Mrs. Scott's children. And they're the other Mr. Cook's children. Oh, dear. Well, I'm just afraid this is too much for me. We'd better forget about the contest as far as you're concerned. Very neatly done, Doug. Huh? What do you mean? You didn't want to enter the contest in the first place, so you cooked up a nice little deal so we'd be disqualified. Oh, so help me Carry on, Mrs. Lane, if you think this has upset you, believe me, it has upset me too. And with that thought in mind, plus the fact that I'd like to give these three partners in a dirty trick something to chat with you about. You'd better sit down, Mrs. Lane. Why, I'm not even married. Well, do you believe me now, Carrie? Yes, dear, I do. But you didn't tell me about Scotty trying to get the paper away from me. Why didn't the whole thing occur to you? It would have to me. Who'd ever think of such a thing? Entering another man's family in a contest? They want 10 kids. Why don't they go out and get them the way I did. I didn't need anybody's help. Oh, that's right. I was in Africa when you had the children. I didn't mean. Do you think Scotty and Ed will do as you told them? Well, they'd better. They haven't gone down there and explained a thing to Mrs. Lane by now. I'll really let them have it. I had a big fight with Ed once, you know. Yes, I remember, dear. He blacked your eye, knocked you down, bruised your leg and sprained your hip. Yeah, but he had my teeth marks on his ankle for weeks. Oh, keep your fingers crossed. Yeah. Oh, Mrs. Lane, come in. Thank you, Mrs. Cook. Hello, Mrs. Lane. Oh, I'm so glad this has been straightened out, Mr. Cooke. A man who's contributed so much to the world certainly deserves the reward. Oh, it was nothing. Just good, healthful living. Of course, you win. But actually, even if the others had really been in the contest, you would have won anyway. Well, I don't follow you, Mrs. Lane. Well, there was a slight difference between the other pictures and yours. Oh? The other Two only show 10 children. Your picture showed 11. Well, that's the. Harry, what have you been up to? Let me see that picture. Mrs. Lane, I didn't notice anything. I certainly can't imagine. Well, let me see, dear. 1, 2, 3, 8, 9, 10, 11. Carrie, look. Somebody sneaked in. Oh, for goodness sake. You can just see little Stewie Scott's head sticking out of the trash can. Men want to claim my children. Children want to claim me as their father. Everybody wants to get into the act. And now it's bedtime at the Home of the Cooks. You asleep, Don? No, no, dear. Just lying here thinking. I still can't figure out why you didn't catch on to Ed and Scotty. Every story you read, the wife is supposed to be the clever one, you know. Well, as I said, dear, you didn't tell me about Scotty trying to get the paper away from you. And besides that, I had to worry about whether or not you'd let us enter. Also, I have 10 children to look after and cook for. What's your excuse? Why didn't you catch on? Well, Carrie. Doug, old bean, you better at least pretend you caught on. If you don't, she's gonna think you're pretty stupid. Well, Carrie, as a matter of fact, I did catch up. Oh, yeah, very early too. Right after Ed and Scotty took the pictures. Well, then why didn't you say something? Think fast, Doug. Think very fast. Pretend to be asleep. Yeah, that's it. Are you asleep, dear? She fell for it. She'll go on for the rest of our lives never realizing how thick headed I was. He thinks he put something over on me. But he seems so happy. I won't ever let on she's thinking about me. Sometimes I believe she can actually get into my thoughts, my innermost secrets. I'll see if she can. I'll think good night to her. Good night, Carrie. Good night, dear. I knew it. Too Many Cooks is written by Frank Fox and Rick Ballard with Bob Porter and Lou Armbre. Produced and directed by Gordon T. Hughes. Original music was composed and conducted by Marlon Child. This is Roy Rowan speaking. This is CBS where you eavesdrop with attended microphone Tuesday night the Columbia Broadcasting System. It is Ryan Seacrest here. There was a recent social media trend which consisted of flying on a plane with no music, no movies, no entertainment. But a better trend would be going to chumbacasino.com it's like having a mini social casino in your pocket. Chumba Casino has over a hundred online casino style games all absolutely free. It's the most fun you can have online and on a plane. So grab your free welcome bonus now@chumbacasino.com sponsored by Chumba Casino. No purchase necessary VGW Group void. We're prohibited by law. 21 plus terms and conditions apply. Trip planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on a beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfront ball and a soaking tub. Expedia made to travel.