Wednesdays With You 45-06-13 w-Alan Young

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Wednesdays With You 45-06-13 w-Alan Young

Podcast: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Originally Aired: June 13, 1945 (Golden Age segment)
Guest: Alan Young, Marilyn Maxwell
Setting: Variety show-style radio program set at Mitchell Field, with a live military audience
Date Aired on Harold's Old Time Radio: September 2, 2025

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Main Theme

This episode presents a classic wartime radio variety show, blending music, comedy, and star performances with patriotic appeals and support for the war effort. Host Eddie Cantor leads a fast-paced, joke-laden program from a U.S. Air Force base, mingling banter with reminders for listeners to support American troops, especially through the purchase of war bonds. The show also features a notable guest segment with rising comedian Alan Young and a glamorous appearance by actress-singer Marilyn Maxwell.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Patriotic Opening and War Effort Appeals

• Eddie Cantor and the company open by addressing the morale of servicemen and the importance of supporting the war effort from home.
  • "Show the men in the Pacific that there’s a bond between us. Buy one tomorrow..." (01:00, B)
• The program is dedicated to Uncle Sam’s campaign to buy more war bonds (01:31, C).

2. Musical Comedy and Military Humor

• Eddie Cantor performs “Every Time,” setting the upbeat, comedic mood with musical numbers and banter about military life (02:01, B).
• Playful jabs at the speed of military discharge:
  • “Did you ever see one of these guys with enough points...? Want to see something fast? He’s home.” (03:52, B)
• Gags about age, marriage, and Hollywood celebrities, with an ongoing riff about Cantor's (and Jack Benny’s) purported age (04:48-06:07).

3. Advice and Running Jokes on Marriage

• Cantor jokes about advice for a happy marriage, delivered with classic vaudeville style:
  • "Georgie Jessel...told me to follow two rules. One, when you get married, tell your wife you have to have one free evening a week to go out with the boys... And what’s the other rule? Don’t waste that free evening going out with the boys." (06:28-06:47)

4. Food Shortages and Military Life Satire

• Cantor and sidekick Don riff on the soldier’s lot—long food lines, mess hall jokes, and a “poultry shortage” gag about colonels being afraid to pass the butcher shop (08:18-09:01; 18:51-19:23).

5. Mock News Report & Wartime Parody

• An extended, satirical “Tokyo Flashy flash” news segment lampoons Japanese propaganda and the point system for discharges (09:01-10:28).
  • “American naval losses twice as much as Japan. Japanese lost 10 ships. Americans lose 20 torpedoes.” (09:48, B)

6. Comedy Crossover: Bert Gordon (‘Mad Russian’) & Alan Young

• Bert Gordon phones in as the Mad Russian, feigning a live plane landing and continuing the show's manic humor (10:37-13:35).
  • “I am flying over Ebbets Field...They just knocked one over the fence... a spectator.” (11:00, B)
• Alan Young’s guest segment features repartee about comedic rivalry and the woes of wooing a girl, culminating in a mock “pick-up advice” session using Marilyn Maxwell to make his girlfriend jealous (23:00-29:20).

7. Star Appearance: Marilyn Maxwell

• MGM’s Marilyn Maxwell is introduced as the glamorous guest, honored for her support of the troops and for her recent film appearance (17:55-18:31).
  • Light romantic comedy ensues between Maxwell, Young, and Cantor.
  • "Well, Don, you're wasting your time. You won't make a hit with Ms. Maxwell. You're no Van Johnson." (18:26, B)
  • Maxwell gamely plays along with the “movie star” flattery and gives Alan Young a stage kiss for his jealous girlfriend.

8. Recurring Humor & Running Gags

• Chopstick/knitting needle mix-up in the Chinese restaurant joke (28:24-28:54).
• Repeated jabs at Don’s appetite, the shortage of steak, and the challenges of eating out.

9. Sign-off and Final Appeals

• The episode concludes with reiterations of support for the war effort and a lighthearted sendoff from Cantor and guests, emphasizing unity between those at home and in service (31:52-32:02).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Show the men in the Pacific that there’s a bond between us. Buy one tomorrow...”
  — Eddie Cantor (01:00)
• “Do you mean to say that at the time you and Ida were married, that you were only three years old?”
  — Don (05:09)
• “Stradivarius violin...I happen to know Jack Benny got his flat feet pacing up and down waiting for Mr. Stradivarius to finish it.”
  — Eddie Cantor (06:07)
• “Georgie Jessel...told me to follow two rules...Don’t waste that free evening going out with the boys.”
  — Eddie Cantor (06:28)
• “A lieutenant ordered an egg for breakfast... by the time it was his turn, the egg had hatched, turned into a rooster, and was standing in line...”
  — Eddie Cantor (08:25)
• “All men having enough points will immediately be released from the army. Number two, all men released from the army will be put in the navy.”
  — Eddie Cantor, as Tokyo radio (09:01)
• “American naval losses twice as much as Japan. Japanese lost 10 ships. Americans lose 20 torpedoes.”
  — Eddie Cantor (09:48)
• “He looks like a moving van.”
  — Eddie Cantor about Don, after Marilyn Maxwell’s compliment (18:38)
• “There’s only one thing in the whole world a colonel would be afraid to do. And what is that? Tell that joke.”
  — Alan Young (25:05)
• “No, they were chopsticks. You were supposed to eat with them. Gosh, and I sat there knitting her a sweater.”
  — Alan Young (28:54)
• “This you won’t believe because it’s a lie.”
  — The Mad Russian (31:21, B)
• “But the clothes don’t make the man...”
  — (32:05, F, beginning of post-show ad - not program content)

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Notable Segment Timestamps

• 01:00: Eddie Cantor’s opening war bonds appeal
• 02:01: Musical intro (“Every Time”)
• 03:52: Discharge speed joke
• 06:07: Jack Benny/Stradivarius joke
• 06:28: Marriage advice from Georgie Jessel
• 09:01: “Tokyo Flashy flash” satirical news
• 10:37: Mad Russian airplane call-in
• 13:37: “Dream” sung by Nora Martin
• 17:55: Introduce Marilyn Maxwell
• 18:51: Poultry/Colonel joke lands
• 23:00: Alan Young’s guest segment begins
• 26:14: Marilyn agrees to help make Alan’s girl jealous
• 28:54: Chopsticks/knitting gag
• 29:26: Marilyn Maxwell admits taking a rest from her film work
• 31:21: The Mad Russian’s “You won’t believe... because it’s a lie” quip
• 32:02: Program sign-off and final war bond appeal

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Overall Episode Tone and Style

The episode is a vibrant showcase of mid-1940s entertainment: warm, rapidly paced, filled with joke trading, topical references, light musical breaks, and recurring appeals to support the troops. Eddie Cantor’s hosting centers everything in classic vaudeville warmth—self-deprecating humor, showbiz in-jokes, and family-friendly camaraderie. The tone is breezy, patriotic, and peppered with showbiz bravado. Marilyn Maxwell adds glamour and wit, while Alan Young and the Mad Russian keep comedic energy high.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

Expect:

• Classic, fast-paced 1940s comedy with plenty of musical flair
• Jokes about the military, food shortages, Hollywood, marriage, and age
• Patriotic appeals tying showbiz to the war effort
• Marilyn Maxwell’s star power and Alan Young’s comedic wit in extended, playful repartee
• Absurd, light-hearted characters (e.g., the Mad Russian) with surreal gags
• A sense of nostalgia for family radio evenings and Hollywood’s wartime golden age

Transcript

[A]

Hey there. Are you sitting down?

[B]

Good.

[A]

Cause Wayfair's end of season sale is here. And you can shop it from your couch. It's Wayfair's Labor Day clearance. And it's on now. Right now you can score up to 70% off everything home at Wayfair. Like up to 50% off outdoor furniture and decor and up to 70% off area rugs. Plus amazing doorbuster deals. And 24 hour surprise flash deals on Wayfair Home Finds in every style. And get it all with fast shipping on everything right to your door. From furniture to faucet. This is your last chance of the season to score huge deals at Wayfair. Don't let the final days of summer pass you by without shopping these end of season savings. So don't wait like summer, these savings won't last. Head to Wayfair.com today to score up to 70% off everything home. Celebrate your holiday weekend with can't miss savings before they run out. Shop Wayfair's Labor Day clearance now through September 2nd at Wayfair.com Wayfair Every style, every home.

[B]

This is Eddie Cantor. It's Wednesday and time for another show. Time for a few laughs, a few songs. And overseas, the men of our armed forces bringing the fight closer and closer to the Japanese homeland, will be hearing this broadcast too. But when the gags and the tunes are over, they'll want something more important. They'll want assurance from us that we're backing them up. Ladies and gentlemen, show the men in the Pacific that there's a bond between us. Buy one tomorrow for the First Air.

[C]

Force with headquarters at Mitchell Field, Long Island, New York. Bristol Myers, makers of Salapatica, Truchet and Minute Rub, in cooperation with the drug, cosmetic and allied industries, dedicate this program to Uncle Sam and his appeal to buy more war bonds to help the war effort. And now, here's the star of our show, Eddie Katter.

[B]

Every time, every time, every doggone crime I fall in love. I get a shopping around. Every time, every time, every time. Every dog on time I try romance. I'm taking a chance, I'm losing my mind. I'm gonna learn to be a hermit and live in a hermit's cave. Till I lose those glues my sweetie gave to me. Gonna burn my bridges behind me. Gonna hide out of them. You can look but you'll never find me. Behind the eight ball again. Cause every time, every time, every doggone time I fall in love, I get a shovel around. Every doggone time. On the first high Prince. Hide out of there, you. But you won't find me behind the eight ball again. Cause every time, every time, Every doggone time I fall in love I get her shoving around Every dog One time I fall in love thank you, fellas and girls And D. What a thrill I had here at the airport watching planes take off. I saw a C47 leave the field at 200 miles an hour. Then I saw an A26 leave doing 400 miles an hour. And before I left, I saw a plane here at Mitchell Field doing 450 miles an hour.

[C]

My, my. Do they have anything faster than that leaving here?

[B]

Don, did you ever see one of these guys with enough points to get. Want to see something fast? He's home.

[C]

Well, I see what you mean, Eddie. I understand that some of the men are also released when they reach the age of 40.

[B]

That's right, Don. I met one of the fellows this morning who had just turned 40 and got his discharge. He was crying, and I asked him why. I said, why are you crying? Tomorrow you'll be out of the army. You'll be in civilian clothes. You'll have nothing to do but run after beautiful girls. And the guy said, yeah, but why didn't they let me out while I could still catch them?

[C]

Ah, Eddie, you can't be serious. Haven't you heard the saying, life begins at 40?

[B]

How would I know, Don? Come back in six years and ask me.

[C]

Now, wait a minute, Eddie. Wait a minute. Are you implying that you're only 34 years old?

[B]

Now, Don, you were at my birthday party. You counted the candles on the cake, didn't you? Didn't you, eddie?

[C]

There were 34 candles on the piece I ate.

[D]

Of course.

[B]

And another thing, Eddie, another thing.

[C]

I happen to know that you and ida celebrated your 31st wedding anniversary just last Saturday.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

Well, do you mean to say that at the time you and Ida were married, that you were only three years old?

[B]

Certainly, Don. Certainly. We alone. We alone.

[C]

Oh, you did?

[B]

Yes, we alone. I got a ladder, carried her down from her high chair, slipped a teething ring on her finger, helped her into my carriage, and we were off to Niagara Fall. Don't be so statistical. You know, after all, Don, I'm not like most actors. I happen to be 34 years old. And if I were 35, I'd be the first one to admit it. Believe me. Believe me.

[C]

Whatever you say, Eddie. But I had no idea that you were younger than Benny. You know, Jack admits to 36.

[B]

Jack, Benny admits to 36? That's right. I'll tell you something, Don. Do you know that Stradivarius violin Jack has that's 150 years old?

[C]

Yeah, what about it?

[B]

I happen to know Jack Benny got his flat feet pacing up and down waiting for Mr. Stradivarius to finish it.

[C]

Well, now, Eddie, I'm not the least bit interested in how old you and Jack are. But I thought it was wonderful that you and I'd have celebrated 31 years of married life. Really, I did. Now, maybe you could give these young fellows out here some advice.

[B]

Well, Don, this may sound strange, but the man who gave me the formul for a happy married life happens to be Georgie Jessel.

[C]

Georgie Jessel.

[B]

Georgie. He told me to follow two rules. One, when you get married, tell your wife you have to have one free evening a week to go out with the boys.

[C]

And what's the other rule?

[B]

Don't waste that free evening going out with the boys.

[C]

Eddie, how in the world can you stand there joking when these fellows are waiting for advice? Can't you see what a serious bunch they are?

[B]

Just look serious. Yeah, you wouldn't think so if you could see where they go to have fun. Lee's Hempstead, Paris. For the benefit of the rest of the public. It's a Chinese restaurant.

[C]

Oh, yes, Eddie. Yes, I know. I was in that restaurant. Yeah, See, with the dim lights and all the smoke, you can hardly see.

[B]

To pick up your food. Don, when these boys go to Lee's, it isn't chop suey they want to pick up. Oh, dear, I, I. You know, I. Don't leave now, soldier. Don't leave.

[C]

Eddie, you know I love Chinese food.

[B]

You love Chinese food?

[C]

Oh, yes.

[B]

I like steaks and chops.

[C]

I like dairy products.

[B]

All right, all right, Don. We know you like to eat. Of course. He's only fooling, fellas. Don is a very light eater. The minute it gets light outside, he starts to eat. You should. You should see how much Chinese food this guy puts away. Instead of chopsticks, they bring him two baseball bats.

[C]

Well, tell me, Eddie, where do the boys eat when they're here in cab?

[B]

Well, a lot of the boys get in line at the post cafeteria for breakfast.

[C]

Where do they go for dinner?

[B]

By the time they get their breakfast, they've had dinner.

[C]

They really have to wait in line for.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[C]

They have to wait in line for breakfast that long?

[B]

Listen, Don, do they have to wait that long? Let me tell you something. A lieutenant ordered a neck for breakfast the other day. And by the time it was his turn, the eggy audit had hatched. Turned into a rooster. Was standing in line in back of the lieutenant, waiting for his breakfast. I'm quite a frank chap, am I not, Don, we've spoken enough about what the boys do here at camp. I'd like to give you an idea of the work these boys are doing overseas.

[C]

Oh, you have some information about that, Eddie?

[B]

Yes, Don. I was listening to the shortwave radio and I want to make a report on the news I heard coming out of Japan. All right, take it away. Tokyo Flashy flash. Very good news. War Department has asked me to make two announcements. Number one, all men having enough points will immediately be released from the army. Number two, all men released from the army will be put in the navy. Now then, in regard to new point system for Japanese Navy. All Nipponese sailors will receive 2 points for each month's service overseas. Underseas, 4 points. Many citizens are trying to leave Tokyo. Japanese people want to stay off trains and remain in their house during air raids. That way you will leave Tokyo quicker. Oh, flashy flash. I just received news. Latest naval battle. American naval losses twice as much as Japan. Japanese lost 10 ships. Americans lose 20 torpedoes. Hey, Eddie. Eddie. Yes, Don?

[C]

Eddie, they're. They're ready for the special event on tonight's program. The high command here at Mitchell Field has established contact with a plane flying over New York. And they want you to interview the pilot from here.

[B]

Okay. Hand me that gadget I talked to Don. Here, I'll try it. Eddie Cantor speaking. Come in, pilot. Eddie Cantor speaking. Come in, pilot. How do you do? Why, it's Bert Gordon, the Mad Russian. Hi, Russian. I was supposed to talk with a real pilot. What are you doing up in a plane? Yes, I have spent thousands and thousands of hours in the air. Flying. No, breathing. Never mind. If you're an airplane. What took you so long to answer? I am flying over Ebbets Field in Brooklyn watching the ball game. What the thrill? They just knocked one over the fence. They just knocked one over the fence. A baseball? No, a spectator. Oh. Let's end this conversation, Russian. I don't enjoy talking to a. Let's keep talking. I do. Russian, I'll expect you here at Mitchell Field in 10 minutes. Where are you now? I am flying over the Statue of Liberty. Over the Statue of Liberty? How low are you flying? Pretty low. I'm flying about. Ouch. Careful with that torch, honey. Russian, I ask you to stop clowning. I want you to come back here right away. Can you Find the field. I'm not sure right now. I'm doing some blunt flying. Not blunt flying. You mean blind flying. You fly what you want, and I'll fly what I want. Russian. Let me get this. You say you've got a girl in an army plane. Don't you know the air force has never heard of such a thing? Should I tell them? Russian. You fool. You've broken army regulations. You and that girl will be court martial the next week. Instead of being with me on my program. You'll be locked in the cell with that blonde. I'll be so disappointed. And now our singing star in the program. Fellas. Lovely Nora Mar. Laura, I want you to meet the boys here at Mitchell Field. You know, they're men who appreciate art. They're men who appreciate drama. They're men who appreciate literature.

[D]

Then why are they staring at my legs?

[B]

They're men. Go ahead and sing, Nora. Leonard Seuss in the orchestra play. And Nora Martin sings Dream. Just watch the smoke rings rising the air you find yourself memories when the day is.

[A]

Hey there. Are you sitting down?

[B]

Good, cuz.

[A]

Wayfair's end of season sale is here and you can shop it from your couch. It's Wayfair's Labor Day clearance and it's on now. Right now you can score up to 70 off everything home at Wayfair. Like up to 50 off outdoor furniture and decor. And up to 70 off area rugs. Plus amazing door buster deals. And 24 hour surprise flash deals on Wayfair home finds in every style. And get it all with fast shipping on everything right to your door. From furniture to faucets. This is your last chance of the season to score huge deals at Wayfair. Don't let the final days of summer pass you by without shopping these end of season savings. So don't wait. Like summer, these savings won't last. Head to Wayfair.com today to score up to 70 off everything home. Celebrate your holiday weekend with can't miss savings before they run out. Shop Wayfair's Labor Day clearance now through September 2nd at Wayfair.com Wayfair Every style, every home. Big news. Wayfair's end of season sale is here. It's Wayfair's Labor Day clearance right now. You can score up to 70 off everything home at Wayfair. Plus amazing doorbuster deals. And 24 hour surprise flash deals on home buys in every style. This is your last chance to score end of season savings. And it's happening now. Did we mention Fast shipping on everything. Don't we head to Wayfair.com today to score up to 70% off now through September 2nd.

[B]

Wayfair, every style, every home. The Battle of the Bulge at Bastogne, the beach at Normandy. And those terrible months of starvation and torture in the concentration camp at Dachau. What other sacrifices must they make before we at home realize how small is our share in this war? Instead of drafting your money, you're being asked to enlist it in the name of American sportsmanship, in the name of liberty and justice for all. How can we do less?

[C]

Men, we're very proud to have as our guest tonight that lovely MGM star currently appearing with Van Johnson in their latest hit, Between Two Women. Here she is, Marilyn Maxwell.

[B]

All right, all right, all right, Don. All right, Don, she's on. You met Ms. Maxwell. Stop applauding. Who's applauding?

[C]

I'm just panning myself to keep cool.

[B]

Well, Don, you're wasting your time. You won't make a hit with Ms. Maxwell. You're no Van Johnson.

[D]

Oh, I wouldn't say that, Eddie. Don reminds me a little bit of Van. In fact, there's something about him that moves me.

[B]

I agree with you. He looks like a moving van. Yeah, is it? Ah, but this food. Listen, this food shortage will thin him out. In fact, today. Marilyn, I heard a joke about the poultry shortage here.

[D]

What was it, boy?

[B]

Well. Oh, putting in your own words, boy, huh? Well, I. I was talking to a colonel in the army and he says he's afraid to pass a butcher shop on account of the eagles on his shoulders. I don't know. I thought I might have a joke there. Don't you get it, Marilyn? There's a poultry shortage and the colonel is afraid to pass a butcher shop because on a colonel's shoulders there's an eagle.

[D]

Well, whatever he has on his shoulders, it certainly laid an egg.

[B]

All right. A colonel told it to me. You can't go around hitting colonels, Don. Don, I want you to bring in Harry von Zell's baby. Will you do that? And, Marilyn, I do want to thank you now for taking care of the baby on the trip.

[D]

Oh, that's all right. I'm crazy about the little fella. Harry von Zell brought him over to my house when he was only a couple of months old and what. What a fuss he made over me. He sat in my lap for hours.

[B]

The baby?

[D]

No, Harry Von Zell.

[B]

Here he is, Eddie, a chip off the old block. Well, Eddie cant of Vonzel Jr. Well, little fella, how are you enjoying your trip east, huh, Junior?

[D]

Goo goo, Eddie. I wonder what he's trying to say with his goo goo goo school.

[E]

Popeyes has been busy since we came to New York, so Marilyn Maxwell has been taking care of me. Every time I cry, she kisses me. Then I stop crying. Mission accomplished. Popeye has really been stepping out. Last night he went to the Stork Club. I thought it was funny when he came into the room all dressed up and said, I'm going to the Stork. Used to be vice versa. He's been going out every night. I'll bet he'll be afraid to go out tonight. After that one about the colonel with the eagles and the butcher shot. Some joke. Don Wilson flew here to Mitchell Field to take my old man's place. That Mr. Wilson made aviation history. It's the first time a plane ever flew a blimp.

[B]

Aha.

[E]

Oh, well, I better get back to sleep. Tomorrow's my big day. They're teaching me to meet Mayor LaGuardia. When I meet the mayor, all I have to do is stand up straight, bend over and let him kiss me. Oh, boy. Cute fella, Fiorello.

[B]

Say, Eddie. Eddie. Yes, Dong. Eddie.

[C]

Who do you think came all the way out here to Mitchell Field just to see you?

[B]

Well, I've had a lot of. Who? Who this time?

[C]

Alan Young.

[B]

Alan Young? You mean that upand cominging comedian who's heard every week? That talented youngster who critics predict will surpass the leading radio comics of today?

[C]

That's the fella.

[B]

Get him out of here. He's got talent. Get him out of here. Lock the door down. Lock the door.

[C]

Too late, Eddie. It's too late. Here he is.

[B]

Alan Young. Hello, Alan. I'm delighted to see you, Mr. Cantor. You appeared on my radio program. That's why I thought I should come over here to your program tonight. Oh, you wanted to reciprocate? No, retaliate. Why, Alan, you sound as if you were mad at me. Well, I don't think it's fair for you to come on my program, be such a big hit and steal the whole show. Why, I wouldn't do a thing like that. Alan, there's nothing I love better than another comedian, especially a young one. You mean you. You really want to help me? Why, certainly, Alan. I do. Any. In fact, I'll give you a joke that'll be the biggest laugh you ever heard. When you use it on your program, you will. What's the joke? Well, you say the poultry shortage is so Bad that a colonel is afraid to pass a butcher shop because of the eagles on his shoulders. That's no joke. No? No, because colonels are brave and they would not be afraid to pass a butcher shop even if it was raining. There's only one thing in the whole world a colonel would be afraid to do. And what is that? Tell that joke. Well, look, Alan, I was just trying to help a young fellow out. I didn't come here to be a comedian, Mr. Kenner. I came because I need some advice. I had a fight with my girlfriend, Betty Dittonfeffer. A fight with your girl? Why? What seems to be the matter? Oh, the car was parked in a lonely road and I did something I shouldn't and she flew off the handle. Wait a minute. You did something you shouldn't and she flew off the handle? Yeah, I stepped on the starter while she was cranking the car. She flew off the handle. Wow, you really came to retaliate. Alan, what makes you think I can help you make up with your girl? Well, you just celebrated your 31st wedding anniversary. You certainly ought to know all about handling women. Well, Alan, when I was your age, I had a fight with Ida. She'll tell you. And to get her interested in me again, I went out with those Zitco girls to make her jealous. Did it work? Did you make up? Did I make. Alan, that basketball team we've got living with us doesn't belong to Bessa. Look, look, if you want to make a girl jealous, I have just the right party for you. Here is Marilyn Maxwell. This girl can solve your problem right here on the radio. Gosh, to think I've been going to. Mr. Anthony. Marilyn, this is an emergency. Alan Young wants to make his girl jealous. Will you go out with him tonight?

[D]

Why certainly, Alan. But I'll have to break a date with one of these airmen here. What time will you pick me up?

[B]

You're gonna break a date with one of these airmen to go out with me? Uh huh. You may have to pick me up. Alan, just how do you want me.

[D]

To help you make your girl jealous?

[B]

Well, I know what restaurant my girl's going to tonight. And if she could see us there together, it would burn her up. Really? Especially if I were holding your hand like. Like this for Alan. Well, don't think I'm a wolf, Ms. Maxwell. I'm just holding your hand and looking at you like this to help me forget my girl.

[D]

By the way, who is your girl? What's your name?

[B]

Her name? Gosh, it's worked Already? Well, Alan, if you really want to make your girl jealous, just holding Ms. Maxwell's hand won't be enough. Why don't you kiss a girl? Kiss her. Go on. All right. Ms. Maxwell, will you. Will you kiss me on the forehead?

[D]

Well, if you want me to kiss you on the forehead, why are your lips all puckered up?

[B]

When you touch me, I'm gonna jump. Go ahead, kiss her, Marilyn. Kiss her. Alan. Get together. Go ahead. Alan. Alan. Alan. You think I got to kiss anyone on his program? Last night they let me shake hands with the drummer. That was it. All right, Alan.

[E]

Wow.

[B]

Boy, if my girl Betty's listening in, this ought to burn her up. We're in horror. You don't look like you just stepped out of an igloo yourself.

[D]

Oh, that was fine, Alan. Now, if you really want to make your girl jealous, just kiss me like that in the restaurant tonight.

[B]

Tonight? I won't be able to kiss you like that again for two weeks. Look, Alan, if you really want to make up with Betty, why don't you take her out tonight? Take her to some nice place for dinner. Like Lee's Hempstead palace, huh? No, nothing doing. Last time I took her to a Chinese restaurant, they embarrassed me. Embarrassed you? The waiter handed me a pair of knitting needles. Knitting it? They were chopsticks. You were supposed to eat with them. Gosh. And I sat there knitting her a sweater. Instead of eating, you sat there knitting your girl a sweater. You must be pretty dumb. Dumb, huh? You should see her in it. I'll go back to Benedict. Oh, Marilyn.

[D]

Yes, Eddie?

[B]

I wanted to ask you about your trip east. Are you here on business or pleasure?

[D]

Well, I've been working pretty hard in pictures and doing a lot of hospital, so I came to New York to see my vocal teacher about my voice and to take a rest.

[B]

Oh, you came here for your voice and a rest? Uh huh. You take a voice, I'll take the rest. Yep. Oh, so you finally made it, huh? Russian. Russian. Please don't embarrass me here tonight. Certainly you've heard the name Maxwell. That's famous all over Hollywood. Maxwell? This is what Jack Benny used to run a rock with? No, this isn't what Jack Bennett used to run around with. You must be crazy. He must be crazy.

[D]

Or Russian. You're mixed up. My name is Maxwell, but I'm not a car.

[B]

That's right. And she's not Maxwell. The coffee. She could keep me awake. Say Russian. Russian. I'm listening. All right. Russian. When you interrupted us, Ms. Maxwell was telling me that she came here to see her vocal teacher. Now, that's a coinkidinki. I personally am a vocal teacher. Russian. You say that you're a vocal teacher. Most dubious. You see, yes, I am teaching Frank Sinatra how to sing every day. I am taking him to the seashore. And like the Great Demopheles, I am putting pebbles in his mouth.

[D]

You put pebbles in Sinatra's mouth to help you sing?

[B]

No, to keep him from blowing away. Blowing away? Oh, you're no teacher, Russian.

[D]

Whom did you ever teach to sing?

[B]

My dear Miss Meatball. Not now, Maxwell. Maxwell Susare. Maxine, let me tell you something. This you won't believe because it's a lie. Only recently, MGM called me in to teach Ingrid Bergman how to sing for the picture Gaslight. Every night I'm going to her house to teach her singing. But Ingrid Bergman didn't sing in Gaslight. Why did you keep going to her house every night? Silly one. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Anacanta program was presented tonight in.

[C]

Cooperation with the Drug, Cosmetic and Alive industries by Bristol Myers, makers of Salapanica, Crouche and Minutewab, and was dedicated to Uncle Sam's campaign to buy more war.

[B]

Bonds to help the war effort.

[F]

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[C]

That's right.

[F]

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