Whack-O 61-07-11 (108) The 25 Pound Outting Money

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Whack-O 61-07-11 (108) The 25 Pound Outting Money"

Harold's Old Time Radio brings listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio with its episode titled "Whack-O 61-07-11 (108) The 25 Pound Outting Money." This episode offers a delightful glimpse into the whimsical and chaotic life at Chiselbury School, where traditions run deep, and the eccentricities of both staff and students lead to hilarious misadventures.

Overview

In this episode, the staff and pupils of Chiselbury School grapple with securing funds for the upcoming school outing. Headmaster Mr. Anthony Dorchester's attempts to procure £25 lead to a series of misunderstandings, fabricated burglaries, and comedic confrontations. The interplay between Professor Jimmy Edwards and Mr. Dorchester drives much of the humor, culminating in a clever resolution that underscores the timeless charm of Whack-O.

Introduction of Characters

• Professor Jimmy Edwards: An earnest and slightly bumbling teacher dedicated to maintaining the school's standards.
• Mr. Anthony Dorchester: The authoritative yet fallible headmaster, whose desperation to secure outing funds sets the plot in motion.
• Mr. Potter: A pragmatic staff member who assists Mr. Dorchester, often serving as the voice of reason.
• Matron: The stern yet compassionate caretaker who ensures the school's smooth operation.
• Ginger Perkins: A resourceful student whose actions play a pivotal role in resolving the central conflict.

Plot Development

The Request for Funds

The episode kicks off with Professor Edwards introducing the setting:

[00:32] Professor Jimmy Edwards: "We present Wacko, starring Professor Jimmy Edwards and featuring the staff and pupils of Chiselbury School for the sons of gentlefolk."

Mr. Dorchester arrives at the school seeking supplies for the annual outing, presenting a list that includes unusual items like dead frogs for biology class. His unconventional requests highlight his eccentric nature.

**[01:16] Professor Edwards: "Of dead frogs for cutting up in biology."

Dorchester’s primary concern, however, is the £25 needed for the outing. His struggle to procure this amount without proper authorization sets the stage for the ensuing chaos.

The Misunderstanding and the Fake Burglary

As Mr. Dorchester contemplates borrowing the outing funds, a misunderstanding with Professor Edwards leads to the fabrication of a burglary to cover the missing money. The confusion intensifies when Mr. Potter intervenes, revealing that the £25 is exactly what was collected for the outing.

[04:33] Professor Edwards: "But not until next month, you say?"

[04:37] Mr. Anthony Dorchester: "Well, yes, it does give me four weeks to sort of put the money back."

Desperate to resolve the issue, Dorchester devises a plan to fake a burglary claim, hoping to secure insurance money to fund the outing.

The Climax

The situation escalates when an alleged intruder appears in Dorchester's study, heightening tensions and leading to a series of slapstick confrontations. The faux burglary scene becomes chaotic, with Dorchester attempting to subdue the "intruder" — who is later revealed to be Professor Edwards himself.

[14:34] Mr. Anthony Dorchester: "You may as well put the light down. He's got us."

Resolution

The plot reaches its zenith when Ginger Perkins, a student, intervenes to expose Dorchester's scheme. Her clever actions foil the fake burglary, leading to the unraveling of Dorchester’s plan. An insurance investigator arrives, scrutinizing the claim and prompting Dorchester to adjust his demands under pressure.

[28:34] Ginger Perkins: "I have the money already and this envelope. A complete settlement of your burglary claim. 25 one pound notes."

Ultimately, the £25 is secured through genuine means, restoring order and ensuring the outing proceeds as planned. Dorchester’s deception is laid bare, reinforcing the moral undertones of honesty and integrity.

Notable Quotes

• Professor Edwards [02:03]: "No obligation to purchase."
• Mr. Anthony Dorchester [05:18]: "You've made a very wise buy there. It's definitely you all over."
• Professor Edwards [16:14]: "I am a burglar. You what?"
• Ginger Perkins [28:34]: "I have the money already and this envelope. A complete settlement of your burglary claim. 25 one pound notes."

Key Themes and Insights

1. Eccentric Authority: Mr. Dorchester embodies the lovable yet flawed authority figure, whose good intentions are muddled by overcomplication and misjudgment.
2. Community and Collaboration: The staff and students of Chiselbury School demonstrate the importance of working together to overcome challenges, highlighting themes of teamwork and mutual support.
3. Humor in Chaos: The episode masterfully blends situational comedy with character-driven humor, creating a rich tapestry of laughs rooted in the characters' quirks and misunderstandings.
4. Integrity vs. Deception: The narrative underscores the value of honesty, as Dorchester’s deceit ultimately backfires, reinforcing ethical behavior.

Conclusion

"The 25 Pound Outting Money" is a quintessential Whack-O episode, blending humor, satire, and heartwarming moments to portray life at Chiselbury School. Through its engaging characters and cleverly woven plot, the episode entertains while imparting subtle lessons on integrity and the pitfalls of overcomplicating simple tasks. Listeners are left with a sense of nostalgia and appreciation for the timeless appeal of old-time radio storytelling.

Transcript

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[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

We present Wacko, starring Professor Jimmy Edwards and featuring the staff and pupils of Chiselbury School for the sons of gentlefolk. Sons who often return in later years to gaze nostalgically at the hallowed old pile which still stands just beyond the great wrought iron gate and which the dustmen still refuse to cart away. Nothing but the best is Thistlebury's proudest boast. And it's best exemplified when at the present, the school is being visited by Mr. Anthony Dorchester of the Alma Mater Scholastic Supplies Company.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Try this one, Professor.

[Professor Edwards]

Our little wonder.

[Mr. Potter]

Whack.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

I'll take half a dozen. They should last until about Thursday. What else do you want?

[Professor Edwards]

Pen nibs? Exercise books? Golf posts? Cool bells?

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

No. No. All right. For them we've got a special offer.

[Professor Edwards]

Of dead frogs for cutting up in biology.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, for goodness sake, no more of them. Last time you. You delivered them to the kitchen door. First time we've ever had toad in a hole was real toad. Very good, Professor. In that case, I'll call again.

[Professor Edwards]

Next. Oh, just before I go, have a glance at this that I've got in your case.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Give yourself a treat there.

[Professor Edwards]

This is the academic hood worn on ceremonial occasions by those teachers possessing the highest scholastic degree of PhD.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Well, that's not me. I'm what you might term one degree under. It's a lovely thing, isn't it? Why don't you slip it up? Oh, may I?

[Professor Edwards]

No obligation to purchase.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Just see how it suits you then. Here we go. There we are. How's that?

[Professor Edwards]

Oh, professor, it's you.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

You think it's me? I think so.

[Professor Edwards]

Well, I do not wish to be fulsome, but if ever a man looks a proper PhD.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, how very kind of you. How very costlier.

[Professor Edwards]

But worth every penny. You see, when prospective parents come down.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

To view the school, think how impressed.

[Professor Edwards]

They'D be to see you wearing them.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, yes. It sort of might help take their minds off the state of the ablutions.

[Professor Edwards]

Of course, with the hood comes a stout cardboard box. And the Ph. Degree itself.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, really? From an acknowledged university. One of the finest in Puerto Rico. Must say, the temptation to. What are you asking?

[Professor Edwards]

A pulse in the £25.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

25 smackers was impossible. I suppose you don't do a PhD on the HP Professor.

[Professor Edwards]

Our terms are strictly met, Cap.

[Mr. Potter]

You ought to know that.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

What?

[Professor Edwards]

We've been doing business together ever since you were headmarked at that council school on the Allar Road.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

If you don't mind. I always say that I was headmaster of Harrow. I never bother mentioning the road pilgrimage.

[Professor Edwards]

Be that as if it may arrow or arrowroad. He's a swenty f knicker cat.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Here.

[Professor Edwards]

Oh, look, look. I better have it back, eh? I'll just put it away again.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Don't want to tantalize you. I hate to see that lovely. I hate to see it go. Mr. Dorset, please be reasonable. I mean. I mean, where can I lay my hands on £25?

[Mr. Potter]

Excuse me.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

What is it, Potter?

[Mr. Potter]

Would you lock this away in the cash box? It's the money that Lumley and Tatmere collects from their third outing this term.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, is it money? Oh, well, how much?

[Mr. Potter]

It's exactly £25.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh.

[Mr. Potter]

I'll just leave it on your desk here. Goodbye, Mr. Dortita.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

No, no, no, no, no. It's not my money, Dorchester. It belongs to the boys.

[Professor Edwards]

Well, what's the money for?

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Well, it's an old school tradition, actually. The boys in each form, they collect among themselves for a cast outing, you see, which is held on Founders Day. That's next month. Well, you know what? It is the sort of thing. The lower third go to a circus, the lower fourth go to the zoo, the upper sixth go to the windmill. I mean, you know.

[Professor Edwards]

But not until next month, you say?

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Well, yes, it does give me four weeks to sort of put the money back.

[Professor Edwards]

No, no, no, no.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

It's wrong. How can I take money from my own pupil? Well, come on.

[Professor Edwards]

How? Well, professor, you're only borrowing and I.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Think the boys would want you to.

[Professor Edwards]

Have the use of that money.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

It is true. It's true. I mean, if I were to ask them now, if I would say to them, lads, do you mind if I borrow that money you've saved up for your annual Auntie? What would they reply? A little swine. I'll teach them to use that kind of language. Dorchester, take that money and give Me? That hood. Here we are, Professor.

[Professor Edwards]

Allow me to help you. On with it there.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, yet, yet.

[Professor Edwards]

You've made a very wise buy there. It's definitely you all over. And now Goodbye to you, Dr. Edwards.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Goodbye, Dr. Edwards. Ah, Branowski, I really must take issue with you over this question about Epstein's theory. As I see it, Bronowski, on the one hand we have a finite universe. On the other hand, we have merely four weeks. Only four? Well, really, it's more. It's nearly five. Really? You say five weeks. Ample time to put the money back. Ample time.

[Mr. Potter]

Oh, hit, ma'fight. Oh, hit Martha. Oh, isn't that magnificent? Now touch.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Well, this whole thing, it's just my PhD hood. I sometimes throw it on for lounging in.

[Professor Edwards]

I used to wear it a lot.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

At my last school.

[Mr. Potter]

Is it fur?

[Matron]

No.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Just up the Harrow Road. Yes, it's ermine. It is these ermine potyes, the skins of pure white urms. It's all right. Get your sweaty hands off it. What do you want anyway?

[Mr. Potter]

Well, hit Martha, I was wondering whether you could receive the third class outings.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

I'd be glad to receive.

[Mr. Potter]

Lumley and Tatlow, you know, the two boys who collected that money you put in the cash box.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

What are they here now for? I mean, I think he's up till next month.

[Mr. Potter]

Well, perhaps they better come in and explain that on film.

[Ginger Perkins]

Lumley.

[Mr. Potter]

Daphner.

[Matron]

Good afternoon, sir. Sir, we'd like to change the date of our class.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Alcohol. Oh, change the date. Oh, well, that's all right. I mean, you want to make it later. When do you want to have it? In January? February? Next August?

[Matron]

No, sir, next Saturday.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Next Saturday?

[Matron]

There's a model train exhibition on in London. Then we've all decided you'd much rather go to that on Saturday than to the circus next month.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

I mean, this can't be true. I mean, well, for your own sake. I mean, lads, I mean, think of what you'll miss. I mean, you love the circus, don't you? Don't you remember the fun we had there last year? The liberty horses, all that dusty performing sea lion. The clowns. Remember the clown? That's all settled then. We'll go to the circus, then.

[Professor Edwards]

No, sir, but you must.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

I mean, the acrobat, the ringmaster.

[Matron]

We don't want to go to the circus, sir. We want to go to the model train exhibition on Saturday. Back it all, sir. It's our money, not yours.

[Mr. Potter]

Oh, if I may intervene, Headmaster, I think that remark borders on insolence. If I were you, sir, I'd teach them a sharp list.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Yes, I jolly well.

[Mr. Potter]

Shall I cancel the outing altogether?

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Yes, exactly. That's exactly what I shall do. Thank you for your suggestion, Mr. Bunny. You're very helpful indeed. You hear that, boys? For your insolence, I shall cancel the outing altogether.

[Mr. Potter]

Give them their money back and I.

[Professor Edwards]

Shall give you them, Mr. Potter. And I want suggestions.

[Ginger Perkins]

I'll ask for them.

[Mr. Potter]

Oh, shut up.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

No, look, chap, forget all that. I mean, let's talk this whole thing over, chap to chap. Eh, chap?

[Matron]

There's no talking over to be done, sir. If we can't go on Saturday. Our money back, please.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

I see. Supposing I said that I. I won't give it back.

[Matron]

No, you must.

[Ginger Perkins]

It's our money and I am your headmaster.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

I can confiscate things.

[Matron]

Money that belongs to the boys, sir. I wonder what my father would say if I wrote and told him you'd done that.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Your father?

[Matron]

My father, sir. The chairman of the school governess, sir.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Lumley, are you threatening me?

[Matron]

Yes, sir.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

That was rather the impression I got. I bet you really thought I was serious then, weren't you, sir? Cheers. You know an O.T. i am. No, no, you run along, lads, and don't worry. Of course you can go to your train thing on television.

[Professor Edwards]

Now get on.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Saturday. Where the devil am I going to get 25 quid by? Look at that. 2 o'clock in the morning and I'm still at it. Where were we? Let's read this out again. Distinguished classical scholar wishes to dispose of all his valuable personal effects before Saturday. Collection includes seven unused detergent coupons valued at fourpence each. One large moustache needle, mint condition. One second hand identity disc, snit for anyone named JKO Apostrophe N. Edwards. Pair of Paris Ne with tortoise shell around the man, small hole in the pants. What's the use? Honestly, when you add it up? I mean, I doubt if I'll get more than one and nine for the lot. Must be some way of getting 25 quid in a hurry. Oh, well, if that hopefully bed something will turn up, I think. Who's that? Me. Something has turned up.

[Professor Edwards]

Wacko.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Come in, Matron.

[Matron]

Did I wake you up?

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

No, no, no, no. I'm not a bit tired. No, no, no. Come in, come in. That's it. Yes. Now, what is it, my dear? Did you have a bad dream? Let me make it come true.

[Matron]

Jim. Don't muck about. Don't go, Jim.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

There's Somebody downstairs. They won't hear us.

[Matron]

Jim, there's somebody in your study. I heard a noise coming from there as if somebody was moving around. Listen. There. Did you hear it? A sort of creek.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Calm yourself. My deeds. Very easy for someone to wake up in the night and get peculiar notions. It happens to me frequently, mate. Did you know that? You've got everything a man hungers for. Warmth, charm, personality, beauty. Wouldn't happen that one if I could as well.

[Matron]

Oh, Jim, don't you understand what I'm trying to tell you?

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Don't you understand what I'm trying to tell you?

[Matron]

Yes, of course I do. You're always trying. There it is again.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Don't try to get behind me while I'm trying to get behind you. We'll do ourselves a permanent injury here.

[Matron]

There's somebody in the corridor.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

There's no need to panic. Just go to the fireplace and give me the. The heavy poker. Why, he's just outside the door. That's right. Now the knob's turning. You see? You can see that I got the poker. How can I shoot when I'm in mortal agony?

[Professor Edwards]

Coming in.

[Matron]

I'll get him with this chair.

[Mr. Potter]

Now, do let me help him with that chair. Much too heavy things, Potter.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

What the.

[Mr. Potter]

Excuse me, headmaster. I hope I'm not intruding.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

I burnt my fingers.

[Mr. Potter]

Oh, really?

[Professor Edwards]

I warned you you'd go too far.

[Mr. Potter]

With me through one of.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

No, no, no. Stop jibbering and jabbering about. What's the idea of creeping around my bedroom like the bride of Dracula?

[Mr. Potter]

Here, I almost forgot.

[Professor Edwards]

Kit.

[Mr. Potter]

Martha, I looked out of my window and in your study there's somebody prowling around with a fork.

[Matron]

Pigeon. I told you what we were going to talk.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

He's absolutely icy calm. We can overpower him just as long as we keep our head. Potter, you take the poker. It's cooled off. Now, Mason, you take the torch.

[Matron]

Right.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Now, this may well mean bloodshed, so I'll take. These knuckles are stiff. No, they're bicycle ships. Actually. After I go to the police station.

[Ginger Perkins]

Give them help.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

No, you don't.

[Mr. Potter]

Oh, no. Hitmaster, don't leave.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

All right, you coward. How do it all myself. Then let's see this call to the old. The old gun in the dressing gown pocket, I think.

[Matron]

We haven't got a gun.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

We don't need one. Don't worry, my dear. Old Jim knows a trick or two. Come on, let's get him.

[Professor Edwards]

Well, I don't know where he keeps all the stuff. Must be a face somewhere.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

But I got you, Cupboard. Keep that torch on till I can see you. Otherwise, this little beauty in my pocket is liable to go off. It's fully loaded, too.

[Professor Edwards]

What? Your finger, Mason.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

You tell me. You darned it.

[Professor Edwards]

I am fighting well, Pod.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

You may as well put the light down. He's got us.

[Professor Edwards]

Oh, it's all right, G. I'm going off for violence. Just give me a chance. I wasn't doing nothing, honest. Just. It's the headmaster.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Yes, indeed. I'm the headmaster. Wait a minute. I know you're. Hey.

[Professor Edwards]

Well, of course you do, sir.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

[Professor Edwards]

1947, sir. Arrow Road School Top. Ginger Perkins, School captain. That's right.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Well, this is a peasant supply. This is. This is really good and kind of you.

[Professor Edwards]

Cool, Captain. That's right.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Well, this is a peasant.

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[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

This is very good and kind of you. So few of my old boys bother to look me up after they leave.

[Professor Edwards]

Well, sir, this isn't exactly.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

First of all, I'm afraid we owe you an apology. I mean, these two here stupidly thought that.

[Professor Edwards]

That you were a burglar, sir. I am a burglar. You what? Yes, I'm afraid so, sir.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

No, I can't believe it. One of my old boys turn into crime. A master.

[Professor Edwards]

Yes, well, I. I didn't know it.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Was you I was robbing, sir.

[Professor Edwards]

I swear it. I just had to get some money, sir. All I've had to eat since yesterday is a. A cup of coffee. And I painted.

[Mr. Potter]

Quick, Headmaster, now's your charm.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, yes.

[Matron]

Jim, ring for the police.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

No, mate, I couldn't.

[Mr. Potter]

But it's our duty as citizens, headmaster.

[Matron]

That's right, Jim. Come on, let's turn him over.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

No, he looks better. FaceTime or outcast of Society?

[Professor Edwards]

Oh, I'm sorry I've done that. Oh, I'm so hungry and exhausted. Do you think I could have that cushion, miss?

[Matron]

Oh, yes.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, don't let him do that. Mason, go into the kitchen and put on a pot of tea and see if you've got any of those stale Garibaldi's left.

[Matron]

All right, Jim, I'll see what I can do.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Come on, Potter, let's. Let's have him into a chair.

[Professor Edwards]

Come on, dinner lady.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

That's it.

[Mr. Potter]

We shouldn't be doing this, Headmaster. It's harboring a criminal.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, Potter, who are we? Who are we to fast judgment? Just because a man steals something, is he a criminal? Desperate. Oh no I'm not. What's more, Father, I've had a sudden joyful feeling and it was a kindly providence that sent a burglar up my drain pipe. Would you leave me alone with him, please? Go on, go on. Help make them sort out her. Gary Bald is.

[Professor Edwards]

And that young gent was right, sir. He should turn me in.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Never mind all that sentimental, governor. Look here, Perkins, if a bloke like you pinches something from a house, does the householder get it back in full on the insurance? Oh yes sir, it was provident. I knew it.

[Professor Edwards]

But mind you sir, I've known householders do a really terrible thing.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Yes?

[Professor Edwards]

Well, when they fill in the claim form for what's been stolen, they add a lot of things which they never even possess. And it works. Well, if the burger ain't caught, how do the insurance company know any different?

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

What a vile, dishonest, unworthy, foolproof scheme. Oh, Ginger, Ginger, my fallen sparrow. You know what I'm going to do now? I'm going to let you go.

[Professor Edwards]

Oh, sir. Oh sir, you are a tough.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

There's one thing that I'd like you to do before you leave, just for old times sake. Tear you a little something on your way out.

[Professor Edwards]

Steal something, sir?

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

From you? Here, this bars will do.

[Professor Edwards]

Oh no sir, no, I couldn't steal from you, sir. Not from my old egg Master Lo. I may have sunk Perkins. I wanted to.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

You must.

[Professor Edwards]

I just couldn't, sir. I'd never be able to live with myself.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Well, live with somebody else. I don't care who you live with, but for goodness sake take it. Oh, don't ask me to.

[Professor Edwards]

Please, sir.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

If you do steal something from me, you can get me out of a lot of trouble. Now just take it.

[Professor Edwards]

I can't, sir. Not sir, not. Not with your reproachful eyes looking at me.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

All right, I'll take me reproachful eyes away. Look, I'll turn my back on you.

[Professor Edwards]

Oh, that's right, sir. You stay like that for just a minute, sir. Oh, I'm very sorry, sir. I had to do it. I had to crush you. For your own good, sir. Goodbye, son.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Thank you.

[Mr. Potter]

Here we are, nice and awful.

[Matron]

His master.

[Professor Edwards]

Oh, dead.

[Matron]

I could never have left him alone with that Headmaster.

[Professor Edwards]

Speak to me.

[Matron]

Say something.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, you're standing on my ruddy hand.

[Matron]

Oh, thank goodness.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Ah, the vase.

[Professor Edwards]

It's still there.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

He didn't take it.

[Professor Edwards]

He didn't take anything.

[Mr. Potter]

Oh, thank heaven.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

What do you mean, thank heaven? You cropped it. I'm ruined.

[Mr. Potter]

Beg, Martha. I don't understand.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

You never understand any. You don't even understand the weather report. You may as well know it'll be all over the Sunday papers soon enough. About 25 quid for the lower third outing.

[Professor Edwards]

I spent it.

[Mr. Potter]

You have.

[Ginger Perkins]

Don't argue with me.

[Matron]

I have.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

I know when I've sent something. And you just stand there like a nit, saying you haven't. I have.

[Professor Edwards]

I sent it.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

When Saturday comes around and Lumley finds out, it'll be just to use the old academic phrase, goodbye, mister. You've had your chips.

[Mr. Potter]

Oh, Headmaster.

[Matron]

Martin Catton, whatever you've done, I don't care.

[Mr. Potter]

I'll always stand by you.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, Potter. You should have a little lion stamped right there, right between the eyes. Because you're a good egg. But it's no use, you see. No use. If only Ginger had pinched something tonight, we could have finagled the money out of the insurance claim. Now there's no way to get them serious. Wait a minute. Yes, of course. Oh, what a blessing it is to be born with dishonest tendencies yet.

[Mr. Potter]

Martha, I don't know what you're thinking about, but I'm frightened already.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Suppose we make a claim anyway. We've definitely had a burger of visitors, haven't we? I mean, I've got marks all up my drainpipe.

[Mr. Potter]

But he had. Master, nothing's been solar.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Pretend it has. I mean, it should be easy enough to invent and list the stolen articles. I mean, I can do it as long as you help me.

[Mr. Potter]

But that means I'd be an accessory.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Well, if you're using accessory in the sense of a spare part, you've been a spare part for years. No, no, let's keep moving up. You'll find the cane forms in the bottom drawer. I'll start the ball rolling by reporting the burglary. Hello, Chiswick change. Sorry if I woke you up, Flossy. I want Constable Duncan to the Chisabe Confabrier. Oh, he's there with you, is he? Anyway, tell Constable Duncan to put his helmet on and get on the blast. Hello, Officer. Dunkins, this is Professor Edwards here. I wish to report that I've been severely broken and entered.

[Matron]

And look on the front page. A big photo of old Jim himself. What does it say? Professor Edwards, who is pictured above, stated that he cannot bear to think how many priceless valuables were taken by the thief. He described the burglar as a tall, one eyed Chinaman with a wooden leg. Sounds exactly like Fu Wong. Fu Wong in this man's Texan blade. Jim confiscated it from me yesterday. So tell anything else? Just that Jim is prostrated with grief at his loss. The treasures of a lifetime have vanished overnight. He sobbed. Sobbed. Poor old Jim.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, the man who broke the back of the insurance. Oh, what did I tell you about her? I fooled the love of them. There were tears. There were genuine tears in Constable Dumpkin's eyes. Oh, what an actor they lost in me. I could have been. I could have been another Donald Wolfenden.

[Mr. Potter]

Well, I was petrified. I couldn't stand any more questions, Headmaster.

[Professor Edwards]

I really couldn't.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

The insurance company's got our claim and the check should arrive any post now and then. It's hey ho for the model train exhibition tomorrow and nobody's the wiser.

[Ginger Perkins]

But the claim for much more than.

[Mr. Potter]

You originally intimated it would be. You said you only wanted £25.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

My dear Potter, the thing is worth doing. It's worth doing. Well, I can assure you that an insurance company is worth us doing.

[Matron]

Excuse me, Jim.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Mason, have you changed your mind and decided to come on the outing with us? Good for you, G. Oh, there'll be a hot time in the old town tomorrow night. Oh, won't you rock me, Matron.

[Mr. Potter]

Down?

[Matron]

That's not what I came in for. There's a man from the insurance company to see you.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

There you are. Is he delivering the money in person, though?

[Matron]

He says he's what's called an investigator.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

That's marvelous. I. What was that ugly word, investigator?

[Matron]

He's come to investigate your claim.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, stop that, Potter. You've got to keep your head. Pen him in, Mason.

[Matron]

Oh, I do.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

This is probably just a formality. I have a complete answer to any queries he might raise.

[Matron]

Mr. Harbor, that insurance company.

[Ginger Perkins]

Good morning, Headmaster.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Good morning.

[Ginger Perkins]

I'm sorry to trouble you, but there are a few items on this very heavy claim of yours about which, well, the head office is a little unhappy.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Mr. Har. Deep down inside, we're all unhappy. It's a symptom of the times we live in.

[Mr. Potter]

No doubt.

[Ginger Perkins]

You claimed on item number 152. One silk lined opera cloak with astrakhan facings and platinum toggles.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, oh, no, no. There you are. No use distressing yourself.

[Professor Edwards]

What? Gone.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

He's gone. He loves to see me in that opera club, Mr. Har. I used it, you know, for taking the upper fifth music appreciation class. This time they're doing Derozan colifi. You.

[Ginger Perkins]

Item 212, the one you have down as solid gold cigarette case inscribed to the only man I ever loved with an engine turned clasp.

[Matron]

I could tell the business mind who.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Took that, Mr. Harper. I'm not going to query that, are you?

[Ginger Perkins]

Well, Professor Edwards, you state it's a person from your wife, but according to your policy, you have remained a bachelor.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

A ruddy good policy it is. I mean, I should have said yes, I should have said ex wife Potter will vouch to see existing. Won't you, Papa?

[Professor Edwards]

Me?

[Mr. Potter]

This is a complete surprise.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Papa, Papa. You're letting the shock of this robbery unnerve you. Of course you remember, my dear late Molly. No man ever had a more devoted companion and. Help, mate, help, mate, mate, help.

[Mr. Potter]

Oh, oh, oh, yes, yes, Ms. Harbor. I'll bunch for Press Edwards and his beloved Nelly.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Polly.

[Professor Edwards]

Molly. Molly.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh, Nelly. That's the one. Molly was the one.

[Ginger Perkins]

Well, even assuming. Assuming that I passed that item, I should like some proof of the purchase of this £1 65 for Mr. Potter's camel hair overcoat. Oh, no.

[Mr. Potter]

Hit mark. You haven't dragged me into this.

[Matron]

I refuse.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Ow. Oh, I shoot. I do apologize. Did I accidentally drive this pen nib into the back of your hand? I'm quite lost since that rotten burglar took my favorite antique ink.

[Mr. Potter]

Well.

[Ginger Perkins]

Oh, yes, the alabaster.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Name calling won't get it back, sir. I'm quite shocked. So, what were we talking about?

[Ginger Perkins]

Mr. TA's quite unusually expensive camel hair coat. I would feel very much happier, Mr. Potter, if you could just tell me where it came from.

[Mr. Potter]

A camel.

[Ginger Perkins]

I mean, have you a receipt showing.

[Professor Edwards]

The shop where it was bought?

[Ginger Perkins]

Can't you show me one receipt for any, any of these things?

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

That is exactly why the thief was so vicious and so wicked. Not only did he steal all my well beloved goods and checkpiece, pretty half is the receipt for them as well.

[Ginger Perkins]

I'm going to be absolutely honest, Professor.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Oh dear.

[Ginger Perkins]

You have sent in a claim asking us to pay out the sum of £825. We are not prepared to pay it.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

I see. What are you prepared to go to?

[Mr. Potter]

What are you prepared to go to? The model train exhibition?

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Now Mrs. Harbor, I'll tell you what I'm prepared to do. Just to show you that the money is of no importance to me. Knock off the OD25 and make it around £800.

[Ginger Perkins]

Now I tell you what I'm prepared to do. Knock off around £800 and make it the odd 25.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Done.

[Professor Edwards]

Good.

[Ginger Perkins]

That is very wise of you. Very wise of you, my professor Edwards. Now here we are.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Here we are.

[Ginger Perkins]

I have the money already and this envelope. A complete settlement of your burglary claim. 25 one pound notes.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Thank you very much. My dear fellow, may I say that you've been absolutely splendid about this whole sordid business and. Good day.

[Mr. Potter]

Good day, professor.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Good day.

[Matron]

Good day.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Here we are. 25 beautiful pounds.

[Professor Edwards]

Let's put it.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Let's put it somewhere safe. In the vase on the. On the mantelpiece here. Yeah. Now Potter, you can inform the lover.

[Professor Edwards]

Third, the outing is on.

[Mr. Potter]

Please do hurry, headmaster. We'll miss the train.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Coming, coming, coming. I'm already there. By jove, Potter, I must admit that there were times when I thought that this trip would never take place. But all's well. Hello. What's his note on the mantelpiece here? What is it? From Ginger Perkins.

[Mr. Potter]

Ginger Perkins?

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

I didn't think he could write. Reluctant burglar, remember? Listen to this. Oh, dear. Dear headmaster, I see now that I was selfish in refusing to help you the other night. So this evening I got back into your study and stole a little something as you requested. Late in the day in the. Eh. He managed very well out his help. Hello. There's a p. P.S. i didn't steal anything valuable. I only took that old vase off the mantelpiece. Thank heavens. The only took the. The V. Money in the V. It's gone.

[Professor Edwards]

It's gone.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

Hello, boys. I'm so pleased to see you. I've got some bad news to you about the outing. Now boy. No, no, no, no. Don't look at me like that.

[Professor Edwards]

I can explain everything.

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

No, no, no, boy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

It is Ryan here and I have a question for you. What do you do when you win? Like, are you a fist pumper?

[Mr. Anthony Dorchester]

A woohooer?

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