Whack-O 61-09-12 (117) The Cricket Pavilion Fire

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "Whack-O 61-09-12 (117) The Cricket Pavilion Fire"

Episode Overview In episode 117 of "Whack-O 61-09-12," titled "The Cricket Pavilion Fire," listeners are transported to the esteemed Chiselbury School for the Sons of Gentlefolk. This episode masterfully blends humor with suspense, highlighting the antics of the beleaguered Headmaster, Professor Jimmy Edwards, and his hapless assistant, Mr. Dimwinning. As the new cricket pavilion burns down under suspicious circumstances, the duo concocts a plan to maintain appearances and secure their positions within the school's hierarchy.

Main Characters

• Professor Jimmy Edwards: The headmaster of Chiselbury School, characterized by his determination to uphold the school's reputation, often resorting to dubious methods.
• Mr. Dimwinning: The assistant to Professor Edwards, depicted as somewhat bumbling yet loyal, frequently finding himself entangled in the headmaster's schemes.
• Brigadier Sir George Lumley: A school governor and benefactor who donates the new cricket pavilion, whose visit becomes pivotal to the unfolding drama.

Plot Breakdown

1. The Staff Group Photograph ([00:25] - [03:40])

   • The episode opens with Professor Edwards attempting to capture the perfect staff group photograph with the new cricket pavilion model. His frustration with technical difficulties and Mr. Dimwinning's incompetence set a comedic tone.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Professor Edwards: “I tell you, a great photographer was lost in me. I could have been as well known as Armstrong and Jones.” ([02:38])

2. The Unexpected Fire ([03:15] - [07:10])

   • During the photo session, an accidental fire breaks out, leading to chaos. Professor Edwards scrambles to manage the situation, attempting to contact the fire station but fails due to his lack of phone knowledge.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Professor Edwards: “I have to make him an offer he can’t refuse with family. Casinos and spins mean everything.” ([16:05])

3. Covering Up the Incident ([08:56] - [12:09])

   • To avoid repercussions from the fire, Professor Edwards and Mr. Dimwinning devise a plan to fabricate a larger disaster, making the pavilion's destruction appear as part of a significant catastrophe.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Professor Edwards: “A headmaster goes up with his cricket pavilion.” ([09:32])

4. Implementing the Arson Plan ([12:43] - [17:08])

   • The duo sets their plan into motion by attempting to burn down the school. Their efforts are marred by incompetence, leading to further complications and near-exposure.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Professor Edwards: “I did the wrong C. You little idiot.” ([14:46])

5. Confrontation with Brigadier Lumley ([19:14] - [25:38])

   • Brigadier Lumley arrives unexpectedly, uncovering the deceitful actions of Professor Edwards and Mr. Dimwinning. The confrontation escalates tension, revealing the lengths to which the headmaster will go to protect his position.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Professor Edwards: “Wherever old boys of Cecilbury foregather men will point to you and say, this was the noblest old teacher of them all.” ([25:05])

6. Resolution and Repercussions ([25:41] - [30:49])

   • After a series of mishaps, including near-accidental revelations and failed attempts to extinguish the fabricated fires, Professor Edwards faces the consequences of his actions. Brigadier Lumley's intervention forces the headmaster to confront the fallout of his schemes.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Professor Edwards: “The cricket pavilion was generously donated by Brigadier Sir George Lumley... and allowed to burn down by Professor James Edwards.” ([08:12])

7. Closing Remarks and Sponsor Messages ([30:48] - End)

   • The episode concludes with Professor Edwards attempting to salvage his reputation by offering to fund a new cricket pavilion, albeit through questionable means. The narrative wraps up with humorous reflections on the events that transpired.
   • Notable Quote:
     • Professor Edwards: “The least that I can do is to pay for another cricket pavilion. Cost, of course. Enough to cover the rest of the damage I've caused.” ([30:49])

Key Themes and Insights

• Authority and Responsibility: The episode delves into the pressures of maintaining authority and the extents to which individuals might go to preserve their status.
• Humor Amidst Crisis: Despite the serious undertones of arson and deceit, the interactions between Professor Edwards and Mr. Dimwinning infuse the narrative with humor, highlighting the absurdity of their actions.
• Consequences of Deception: The unfolding events underscore the inevitable repercussions of deceit, as the protagonists' attempts to cover up the fire only lead to further complications.

Conclusion "Whack-O 61-09-12 (117) The Cricket Pavilion Fire" offers a riveting blend of humor, suspense, and social commentary, encapsulating the essence of the Golden Age of Radio. Through its engaging characters and intricate plot, the episode serves as both entertainment and a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of dishonesty and the burdens of leadership.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Professor Edwards: “I could have been as well known as Armstrong and Jones.” ([02:38])
• Professor Edwards: “A headmaster goes up with his cricket pavilion.” ([09:32])
• Professor Edwards: “I did the wrong C. You little idiot.” ([14:46])
• Professor Edwards: “Wherever old boys of Cecilbury foregather men will point to you and say, this was the noblest old teacher of them all.” ([25:05])
• Professor Edwards: “The least that I can do is to pay for another cricket pavilion. Cost, of course. Enough to cover the rest of the damage I've caused.” ([30:49])

This comprehensive summary encapsulates the essence of the episode, ensuring that both regular listeners and newcomers can appreciate the intricate plot and character dynamics without having to tune in.

Transcript

[Ryan]

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[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Purchase necessary vgw group void where prohibited by law 21 + terms and conditions apply. We present Waiko, starring Professor Jimmy Edwards and featuring the staff and pupils of Chiselbury School for the Sons of Gentlefolk. A school which above all encourages its pupils to keep a straight bat as opposed to the vampire bat which so many of them prefer. How many of us realize the enormous number of details involved in running a great school like Chiselbury? One such detail is even now being taken care of in the Headmaster's study. The staff group photograph for the school perspective. Smile. Your miserable shower. Come on. Cheese. Cheese. That's it. And get in close around the model of the new cricket pavilion. I want that dead center. Let's see how it looks through the viewfinder. No, no good, no good. You've all gone fudgy around the edges.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

That's that second bottle you had for lunch, Jim. I warned you.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Nothing with that at all. It's just out of focus. I have to measure the distance and then adjust it. Where's my tape measure? Ah, right. Now hang on to this end, Mr. Dimwinning. Hang on. Never mind. Just open your mouth. Perfect. I'll hook it onto one of your teeth. Which one would you prefer? The top one or the bottom one? Bottom one. I think. It looks a bit more secure. There we are. Now then, take it back to the tripod. And it's nine foot three. Adjust the focus. Oh, I tell you, a great photographer was lost in me. I could have been as well known as Armstrong and Jones. Let's have a look. Yeah, I absolutely. Mr. D. Widdie. Why have you got your tongue hanging out? It's not his tongue, Headmaster. It's the taste measure. You've told him to keep it there. Oh boy, that's stupid. Here.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Oh, me too.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

You pulled me tooth out. What? Too fussing about it. It didn't match the other one anyway. Come along, gentlemen. Mason, if this photographs go into the perspective, we've got to get on with it. A big smile. Come on.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Peace.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

In your case, Tim we did too. Good. Now then, I say you won't be in the picture, Ed. Master. Of course I'll be in the picture, Mr. Dennison. Why do you think I left an empty chair there? This camera has a delayed action trigger. I simply set it for five seconds. So this gives me ample time to.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Oh, it went off.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Kim told me that wasn't five seconds. Oh, really? These bloomin German gadgets can't even count up the foomph. Oh, I see. I didn't. I didn't push it right home this time. And this time. This time for sure. Ready? Quite still now. 1, 2, 3, 4.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Sir. What the foo call me?

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

No, no, gentlemen. No, gentlemen. My bird.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

I Sorry sir, but that is.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Silence, gentlemen. Matron, the sitting is postponed. I'm sorry to wasted your time, but if it'll cheer you up at all, I can assure you that retribution will be swift and terrible. See you all later. Silence. Bend over, boss. Just a moment, Headmaster. Scotty, are you still here? Yes, Headmaster. I guess what you have in mind and I must remind you. Oh goodness me, yes. I've forgotten that. Lumley. I've had second thoughts. If you can assure me that you are truly sorry for breaking the camera, I shall not whack you.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Oh, I am sorry, sir. I'm jolly foreign, sir, honestly.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Your voice has the ring of truth about it, lad. I'm glad. It confirms my belief that no boy can be wholly bad. Especially when his uncle had just been made one of the school governors. Go in peace, Lumley.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

But sir, when I came to see.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Lumley. Don't push your luck.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Out. Yes, sir.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Thank heavens you reminded me about his uncle Potter. To have beaten a boy whose uncle is not only one of the school governors, but has also just presented the school with a brand new cricket pavilion. Quite. You know, Potter, I was looking at the new cricket pavilion this morning. Do you know this model? This model is just like it. It's a fine building. A credit to pottle. What are you gawping out the window for? I was wondering where all that smoke is coming from. Oh, it's probably somebody burning some leaves. Come and have a look at this mock up of the new prospectus. Yes, Headmaster. Doesn't smell like burning leaves. It smells more like wood. Oh, you are a fuss budget. Now look.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Look at out.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Now then, on this first page, I want that photograph of the staff group around the model of the pavilion. Where can that smoke be coming from? And then on the facing page we'll print a list of the examinations which we prepare the boys for. And about that the school motto. They shall not pass. You know, I just realized where it might be coming from.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Sir Peter.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Lovely. How dare you. I've warned you once, I've warned you twice, I've warned you thrice. I'm not going to warn you a third time. Whatever you've got, it doesn't excuse your bursting into a room without first knocking. Go out and come in again properly.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Oh.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

You didn't wait for me to say come in. Do it again, I say. I can see the flames now. Hate Mar. Stop dithering. Hurry. Lovely. A boy does not speak until he's given permission.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Permission to speak, sir.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Granted.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Sir, the new cricket Sigilion, which had just caught fire when I first came in, is now practically burnt to the ground.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

All right, don't panic. Don't panic. Everybody keep calm. I'm in charge. Get out of my way, Mother. Let me get to the telephone. Hello? Hello, Flossy? Hello? Listen, Flossy. Emergency.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Emergency.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Emergency. Give me the fire station. Yes, Hello? Hello? No, I don't know the number. What? Hang up and dial 999. All right. Hang. Dial 9. No, Lighty, this phone hasn't got a dial. What? So you should be. Dr. Heavens gave me the fire station. The fire station where we have the witch drive? Yes, that's it. It's no good in my sense. The pavilion's a total lock. Oh, no. Burnt to the ground. All we could salvage was a sack. If I remember what it says, this cricket pavilion was generously donated by Brigadier Sir George Lumley, dsomg and allowed to burn down by Professor James Edwards N a lot P LOP, late of this parish.

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[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

All right, Matron. While I carry on with my packing, just read back what I dictated so far.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Okey doke. Tim. Captain. Dear Brigadier Lumley, we know that bit. Once again, may I thank you for your magnificent gift to the new cookie pavilion for Chivalrybury School. I cannot tell you how much we are all looking forward to your coming down on Saturday to perform the official opening ceremony. There is, however, one point I feel you should know. This afternoon the whole rubbish thing burned down.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

It's no good, is it? Not good enough. There's just no way of putting it that makes it sound an achievement.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

I don't see why you're so sure he'll get you sacked. It seems so unfair.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Follow the penalties of command, Mason. A captain goes down with his ship. A headmaster goes up with his cricket pavilion. Oh, yes. He'll have me out of my ear all right.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Oh, no, Jimmy.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Oh, yes, Jim. And winter coming on too, thank heavens. I've just bought myself a nice warm overcoat.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

But why shouldn't turn so nasty. After all, his civilian is insured. It's a good job he sent you that 30 quid to pay the premium with, isn't it?

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Well, it's a good job he sent it. It's a bad job I didn't pay it.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Oh, Jim.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Never mind. Oh, Jim. Half of that hanger. It's a shame to crease a 30 quid overcoat. Thank you.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Oh, hello, sir. I just came to say I'm awfully sorry, sir.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Well, it's not your fault, London. You can't be blamed what your uncle does.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

I don't mean that, sir. I mean I'm sorry for setting fire to the cricket pavilion.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Well, we all mean what?

[Mr. Dimwinning]

It was an accident, sir. I was just showing supper and our prehistoric man made fire by rubbing two sticks together.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Supper. You were, were you?

[Mr. Dimwinning]

I must have rubbed a bit too hard, sir. I'm sorry.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Not at all, lovely. Not at all. Cannot interrupt, Mason. I'm in the clear. Start again. Dear Brigadier, I regret to report that your darling nephew this afternoon was responsible.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

No, you can't do that.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

That's making every man for himself, matey. It's a lesson you'll have to learn sooner or later. Who was responsible for a fire which completely destroyed.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

In that case, I shall be forced to sneak on you.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

You've got nothing to sneak on me about, Tosh. I got a nice clear conscience.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

You've also got a nice new overcoat.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

What? Why, you. I'll teach you to listen at keyholes. I'll. Silence. Won't help you, sir.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

We're in this together.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Yes, I suppose we are. Up to the eyeballs. One all like clever cup to see if you can think of some way out.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Couldn't you tell the bigger deal? It was struck by lightning.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

No, I've already used that One when he found me lying in the gutter after the old boy's dinner. He didn't believe that. Oh, it's hopeless. I mean, it wouldn't look so bad if something else had burnt down as well. I mean, if the cricket pavilion had been just a small part of some general disaster.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Well, that could be a rain, sir.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

What do you mean?

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Well, sir, let's burn the whole school down.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Burn the whole school down? Mason, did you hear this short hazard mural? O Mason, you are in the presence of 4 foot 2 of undiluted wickedness. As you value your purity. Leave.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

My what?

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Never mind. Leave. Leave. Now. Let us even breathe the same air as this depraved creature set out of Chesterbury, he says. Or I should come. Come on, Lovely. Let's get down the details. How are we going to work it?

[Mr. Dimwinning]

I didn't mean really burn the whole school down, sir. Just make it look as though it all caught fire.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Yes, yes, I see. We could send the boys out on a. On a cross country run so there's no chance of casualties. Then start a small blaze in my study. And then when your uncle arrived, I showed him the blackened wallpaper. Yes, Brigadier Lumley, I say to him, the whole school was a blazing inferno. Single handed I fought the flames and by the grace of Providence, saved the school. Unfortunately, Brigadier, one spark, one stray spark drifted out of the window, round the corner, over the trees, out the back of the big farm and light it on your creepy pavilion. This is our only lot.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Jolly good, sir.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Thank you. Lovely. Now, let's see. Your uncle's due here on Saturday morning. I better have a fire Friday afternoon. Yes, I can see it all, son. It can't fail. Goodbye, boys. Goodbye. Have a nice run. Enjoy yourselves. There'll be a good fire when you get back. A very good fire from the look of this pile. See? Paper, rags, old mattresses, tin of petrol. That should get the old study blazing. Potter. Potter. Yes, Headmaster? Have you got that bunton burner? Yes, here it is, Headmaster. Already I've connected the other end to the gas cap in the sound slab. It's already turned on. All you have to do is release the stop cork right now. You do that. I'll stand by with a message. Ready? Here we go then. Now, Potter.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Turn it off. That's water.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

I did the wrong C. You little idiot. No, I, I. Oh really, no. What a guy for Scott Nab. Look what you've done. Soak me matches. I'm sorry, Hitmar. Oh, never mind. Par that table like this. Right. Would you believe it? It's run out of petrol. Well, here's the petrol can hit mark. I think I use it all on the pile. Sees a drop. Lesson. Yes, Headmaster. I can't quite see through this little hole. It's rather dark. Just a moment. I like a mess. Papa, have you got matches? No, thank you, Headmaster. Quite all right. It's matches that I want.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

That's what I want, matches.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Oh, yes, of course. Oh, here you are, Headmaster. Really? Really. As an assistant, you're a computer complete liability. How could you ever hope to become a headmaster when you can't do a simple thing like burning the school down? I'm worried. I mean, suppose the boys got back early from their cross country run. They won't get back early. I've arranged. Not from where I've sent them. It's a long way to Carlisle via Budley Alterton. There's once seen a danger. Headmaster. Are you the fast paced spread?

[Mr. Dimwinning]

It's one spread.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Good listening. I'm only going to let it burn for a couple of minutes and then we'll put it out with the exterior. But it, it. It smacks of arson. Never mind what it smacks. Now hold this piece of paper up. Yes. Hit. Master. It's a light. Turn back. Here we step into the world of power, loyalty and luck. I'm going to make him an offer he can. You can't refuse with family. Canolies and spins mean everything. Now you want to get mixed up in the family business. Introducing the [e-mail] test your luck on the shadowy world of the Godfather. Slots. Someday I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play the Godfather [e-mail]. welcome to the family. No purchase necessary. VGW Group void. We're prohibited by law 21 + terms and conditions apply.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

What?

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

It's a fabric game. Sorry. That was quick. This means prison. Oh, shut up. Stamp on the paper. Stamp on it. Yes.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Yes, Master.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Look, there's a fireman outside the window. Well, I better open it before he gets carried away with that axe. Afternoon. All right, but I have the women at Terror first. Just a minute. This is the most hearteningly efficient thing that I've ever seen. How did you get here so quickly? Ah, well, we came as soon as we got the message. What message? From P. Five minutes ago. Dark. Well, just remember there's a fire for Jim's skull. But. But that fire was yesterday. Oh, well, I can't have that. The fires are parted. We have to investigate you know, there's nothing to investigate. There's no fire, no danger, nothing. Be sure, my dear. Quite sure, my dear. Take the ladder away, Jack. I'm all right. All of you say so with a guava. Good day. Not at all, not at all. Good day. Good day. Oh, hidden master. That was a close chase. Suppose they. Goodbye, Harry. Goodbye, Ted. No, Ted, no. Don't wave with the arm. You're hanging on with you. It's all right. He landed in the soft. Now come on, let's get a g up into this pile. Put a match to pile. You go down to the common room and bring up a shovel full of hot coals off the fire. That'll get it going. It's mighty Hill, headmaster. Right, this is it. I don't want to get the room. Time to some star to fill in my study matches. Paper. This is it. Here we go. Ah, there you are again. Oh no. Oh no, please no. What's the matter, man? Why Brigadier Lumley, what a delightful surprise. I hadn't planned on your arriving until tomorrow. I managed to get away early. Look, what's going on here? What's going on this pile of. I don't know, but it looks as though you're trying to set fire to the brace.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

That's it.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Fine. That might go. Whatever makes you think d Here we are, headmaster. Here's a lovely big shovel F this will make a splendid look over your shoulder.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Oh my goodness, another farm.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Potter, you remember this is Brigadier Lumley who gave us the cricket pavilion. Look here any. There's something awfully peculiar going on here. The whole place is deserted. This room reach a petal and there's this. What's this final stuff? Well, that just. It's for Christmas. It's the stuffing for the turkeys. Newspapers, rags, a roll of bedding. It's an old Mongolian recipe. Edwards, I don't believe it. If you want my opinion, you're a bare faced liar. A minute, Brigadier. There are some things I will not be called liar. Yes, but bare faced. Then why are you acting so strangely? There's something wrong, Edwards. Oh, it's nothing to do with my cricket. For the union of it. Let me get to that window, Edward. Where is my pavilion now?

[Mr. Dimwinning]

I can't see it.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Well, of course you can't. If you'd imagine. Just think you can go to the window and see it. It's the November myth. At this time of year? Well, they come early around here to avoid the winter.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

The golf.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

You're alive again. Concerns you all right? I'll show you your blooming pavilion. Look, why don't you go and get my telescope from the office next door? You'll find it on the table under the window facing the matron's bedroom.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

And I'd rather see nothing wrong before it.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Head master, your tennis don't hear. But it's broken, isn't it? Stop nattering. Look. Quick, nip outside with that model of the pavilion and hold it up outside. Hide the window when he. When he puts the telescope onto it. Oh, yes, of course. Here's the model. Quick, don't go without the model. I can't see any telescope, everyone. Oh, can't you? Oh, no, of course it's here. I forgot. Nathan changed her bedroom. Now I'll let us. I'll adjust the telescope for you. There. Good eyesight, haven't you? Down there. That should be all right. But you know, I can't see a thing. You've got it too low. Hold it up a bit. Hold it up a bit. Stop shouting. Climb up. Oh, yes, I can see now. Of course you can. Yes, there it is with the trees behind it. I can see it quite clearly. It's a. What's that large picture against the sky wall? That's Potter's son. What? Potter's mom.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

His mom.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

He's come down to the ceremony. Got no clothes on at the moment. Everybody's going to be there, you know. Really? Good. Well, your citiscope. Becket, wasn't it? I owe you an apology. I rather threw off the handle there. Well, it's paramount. Understandable. Now, why don't you. Why don't you go up to your room and unpack? This way. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Take all the time you like. Give the old cat badge a polish. That's a mere thing. I'm like a limp rag. Master, we're done for. No, we're not done for. We've still got a slim TR Provided we can get the blade started right away. The leave. I like it to follow. See? This isn't my bed in, is it? Oh, no, Headmaster. I took it off Mr. Dinwiddie's bed. Oh, that's all right. If he gets cold in the night, he can just pull his head down inside his night shirt. Right, this is it. Match damp, burn you bonfire not even smouldering. Give it a kick. P Master down Ephesus Kitten. No. You must know that there's somebody in there.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Not.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

He's coming out. Oh, it's Mr. Dim. Witty. Oh, I love my afternoon. Oh, Dim. Witty. You stupid old fool. You spoilt the whole plan. What whole plan? What's been happening? I fall asleep in my bed and I wake up here. Mr. Wibby. You mean you don't know what is happening? Oh, how can I know what's happening when I'm asleep? Of course. Of course. That's it. How could he know what's happening when he's asleep? That's how we'll do it. Move over, Maeli. Make way for Jim. Hello. Oh, it's you, Anthony.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Yes, Uncle George. I just stopped in to say good night.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Oh, does your headmaster Lauret.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Oh, yes, Uncle. He is all for it. In fact, he asked me to bring along a cigar and a nightcap for you. Here you are.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Well, that's very civil of him. Much of it. Whiskey, is it?

[Mr. Dimwinning]

I don't know. The headmaster got Mr. Potter to mix it. Mr. Potter teaches chemistry.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

I see. Well, it tastes all right. Little bitter that.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

It's a very good cigar though, Uncle George.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Thank you, boy. Yes, yes, very good. That drink was bitter, you know. Still, it was nice of them to.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Uncle George. Uncle George. Uncle George.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

He's away.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

All right, sir. You can come in now.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

He'll be off. Good. Take the cigar out of his mouth. That's it. Now we're on touch. Snowing like a pig there. The next part of my plan takes place in my study at 8 o' clock tomorrow morning. Roaring away there, you blooming brigadier. You'll never know what trouble you've put me through. Look at my study. Black and walls broken windows, water all over the place. And me covered in soot. Here, you have some. Yes, that's better. Very convincing. The others are just coming, Headmaster. Oh dear, this place does look awful. Of course it looks awful. We've had a fire, of course. Can't bring it here. He is still sleeping like a babe. That stuff you gave him was pretty good. He didn't even wake up when I brought him in here from the bedroom. You managed to carry him all that way? Well, I didn't exactly carry him. I. I held his ankles, you see, and. And dragged him behind me like a sledge. He didn't point out? No. Mind you, he grunted a bit coming down the stone steps. The other firefighters come in, my brave ones.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

How is the shovels enough, Jim?

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Splendid. I've never seen anyone look less shoveled. All right, take up the position for Mr. Tennyson. Tag against the wall. The potter. Help to hold him up. Maiden, you take Mr. Dimwilly's head in your lap. Oh, no, no, Mr. Dinwiddie, lie down first. That's it. Fine. Now remember, you've all been up all night fighting a fire to look haggard and exhausted. Come on, papa. That's it. That's it. Hold it at that. And here we go. Fasten that soda, p. Thanks. What am I doing here? It's all right, sir. Your face. Now, say for Moss, what's happened? I was asleep in your bedroom last night and I wake up here. What's been going on? He doesn't remember. Sometimes nature is very merciful.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Oh, my head.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Something must have bumped the back of my head. That'll be when the blazing rafter telecocks to bed. Grazing? What do you mean? Has that been a fire? There, there, there. You mustn't blame yourself. Blame Michael. Do you remember smoking a cigar before you went to bed? Cigar? Cigar. Yes, there was a cigar. I remember starting it. But after that it was all blank. Exactly. Oh, what a devilish thing this smoking in bed is, to be sure. The smoldering cigar, the curtains floating in the breeze, a little tongue flame, and then the whole school a blazing inferno. Oh, no. Oh, good grief. Try not to reproach yourself too much. But who would that old man?

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Well, I. I think he'll be all right, but he had a bad time.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

But the names of a celeb. Tennyson, don't overdo it. What do you mean to say that the school is completely gutted? Some of it still stands, thanks to the prompt action of one man. Please, Papa, please. I beg you not to talk about it. You mean heck not. Who was responsible? Her pain, it all. Please. I did but do my duty in the handed he braved the leaping flames, the choking few. Potter, I beg you. It was nothing. And with the strength of 10 men, he plucked you from the. The. At least we've done that. Let me shake your hand. I. You're hurt. It's nothing. Just a simple triple fracture. All in the line of duty, Brigadier. My soul regresses that a stray spark. One stray spark drifted out of the window, around the corner, over the Queen, up the back of the pig farm and onto the cricket pavilion. Ah, what does the cricket pavilion matter? It's burnt to the ground. Well, if that's anybody's fault, it's mine. Oh, it was. How can I thank you? Money? No, no more than that. More money.

[Mr. Dimwinning]

Of course.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Well, my checkbook went up in that laden bedroom. Counsel savage. It's the one thing I managed to save. And your ballpoint you are. Oh, thank you. Oh, well, now, the Least that I can do is to pay for another cricket pavilion. Cost, of course. Enough to cover the rest of the damage I've caused. Now, how much would you say? Well, why not leave a bit blank? Just sign it and I'll fill in the amount as soon as I've contacted my bookmaker. A key factor. Oh, certainly. There you are then. Thank you. Now we have a hired car renting out. Mason will show you out. Have a good long rest somewhere miles away. Go to the Antipodes and don't come back here until the scars of memory have healed. No, no, I won't. I won't. And I assure you, your acting will not be unremembered. Edward. Wherever old boys of Cecilbury foregather men will point to you and say, this was the noblest old tittler of them all. Goodbye. Thank you again. Goodbye, Brigadier, and thank you. Well, gentlemen, thank you. And before you depart, I think this hour of triumph would seem to be the proper moment to take our scarf. So just rub the soot off your faces and smarten up and get into position. Is the camera mended? Yes. Yes there is.

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[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

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