Whack-O 61-09-12 (117) The Cricket Pavilion Fire

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Whack-O 61-09-12 (117) The Cricket Pavilion Fire
Release Date: July 16, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, titled "The Cricket Pavilion Fire," listeners are transported to the esteemed Chiselbury School for the sons of gentlefolk. The story centers around Professor Jimmy Edwards, the diligent headmaster, and his interactions with his staff and pupils. Set against the backdrop of the Golden Age of Radio, the episode masterfully weaves humor, intrigue, and a touch of chaos, reminiscent of classic radio dramas.

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The Failed Staff Photograph Session

The episode kicks off with Professor Jimmy Edwards orchestrating a staff group photograph for the new school prospectus. Keen on showcasing the newly constructed cricket pavilion, Edwards insists on having the staff pose around its model. However, the session is anything but smooth.

• Professor Jimmy Edwards [01:06]:
  "Smile, you miserable. Shower. Come on. Cheese. Cheese. That's it. And get in close around the model of the new cricket pavilion. I want that dead center."

As Edwards attempts to perfect the photograph, technical difficulties arise. A delayed-action camera malfunctions, capturing unintended moments and creating a humorous yet frustrating situation for everyone involved.

• Mr. Tennyson [03:09]:
  "Coop, you pulled my tooth out."

The mishaps during the photo session set the tone for the ensuing chaos, highlighting Edwards' meticulous nature and the quirky dynamics among the staff.

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The Unexpected Fire

Just as the photograph debacle seems to be under control, disaster strikes. The cricket pavilion catches fire, plunging the school into panic.

• Mr. Tennyson [07:20]:
  "The new cricket pavilion, which had just caught fire when I first came in, is now practically burnt to the ground."

Professor Edwards swiftly takes charge, attempting to manage the crisis with composed authority.

• Professor Jimmy Edwards [07:29]:
  "All right, don't panic. Don't panic. Everybody keep calm. I'm in charge."

However, complications arise when Edwards discovers that the communication lines are faulty, leading to confusion and frustration.

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The Cover-Up Scheme

Facing the possibility of being held accountable for the fire, Professor Edwards devises a cunning plan to divert blame. Together with Mr. Tennyson, they contemplate staging additional fires to make the incident appear as a widespread disaster, thereby shifting responsibility away from themselves.

• Professor Jimmy Edwards [13:05]:
  "Burn the whole school down? Mason, did you hear this? Short, trousered Nero."

The duo grapples with the ethical implications of their plan, intertwining dark humor with the gravity of their actions. Their attempts to execute the cover-up are fraught with mishaps, underscoring the theme that desperation can lead to questionable decisions.

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The Arrival of Brigadier George Lumley

As the situation spirals, Uncle George Lumley, a Brigadier and recent benefactor of the school, arrives unexpectedly. His presence adds a new layer of tension and complexity to the unfolding events.

• Mr. Tennyson [26:12]:
  "Yes, Uncle George. I just stopped him to say good night."

Brigadier Lumley witnesses the aftermath of the fire and the strained interactions between Edwards and his staff. His intervention proves pivotal, as he navigates the aftermath with a blend of authority and understanding.

• Professor Jimmy Edwards [30:00]:
  "With the strength of 10 men, he plucks you from the jaws of hell."

Lumley's integrity and leadership contrast sharply with Edwards' earlier scheming, ultimately steering the narrative towards resolution.

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Resolution and Redemption

In the climax, the truth about the fire and Edwards' involvement surfaces. Brigadier Lumley confronts Professor Edwards, leading to a heartfelt resolution where Edwards acknowledges his faults and the gravity of his actions.

• Professor Jimmy Edwards [30:46]:
  "The least that I can do is to pay for another cricket pavilion. Cost, of course. Enough to cover the rest of the damage I caused."

The episode concludes with a restored sense of order at Chiselbury School. Edwards' journey from control to chaos and finally to redemption offers listeners a nuanced exploration of leadership, accountability, and the human penchant for error.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Professor Jimmy Edwards [02:00]:
  "Nothing to do with that at all. It's just out of focus."

• Mr. Tennyson [03:09]:
  "Coop, you pulled my tooth out."

• Professor Jimmy Edwards [13:05]:
  "Burn the whole school down? Mason, did you hear this? Short, trousered Nero."

• Brigadier George Lumley [26:15]:
  "He is all for it. In fact, he asked me to bring along a cigar and a nightcap for you."

• Professor Jimmy Edwards [30:39]:
  "A stray spark drifted out of the window, round the corner, over the Queen, up the back of the pig farm and onto the cricket pavilion."

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Conclusion

"The Cricket Pavilion Fire" is a quintessential episode that encapsulates the charm of old-time radio dramas. Through its engaging narrative, memorable characters, and a blend of humor and drama, the episode offers listeners a captivating glimpse into the trials and tribulations of managing an esteemed institution. The inclusion of witty dialogues and unexpected twists ensures that both longtime fans and new listeners find the episode thoroughly entertaining and insightful.

Transcript

[Podcast Host]

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[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

We present White O, starring Professor Jimmy Edwards and featuring the staff and pupils of Chiselbury School for the sons of gentlefolk, a school which above all encourages its pupils to keep a straight bat as opposed to the vampire bats which so many of them prefer. Many of us realize the enormous number of details involved in running a great school like Chiselbury. One such detail is even now being taken care of in the headmaster's study, the staff group photograph for the school prospectus. Smile, you miserable. Shower. Come on. Cheese. Cheese. That's it. And get in close around the model of the new cricket pavilion. I want that dead center. All right, let's see how it looks through the viewfinder. No good, no good. You've all gone fudgy around the edges.

[Mr. Tennyson]

That's that second bottle you had for lunch, Jim. I warned you.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Nothing to do with that at all. It's just out of focus. I have to measure the distance and then adjust it. Where's my tape measure? Ah, right. Now hang on to this end, Mr. Dimwinine. Hang on. Never mind. Just open your mouth. Perfect. Hook it onto one of your teeth. Which one would you prefer? The top one or the bottom one? Bottom one, I think. It looks a bit more secure. There we are. Now then, take it back to the tripod. And it's nine foot three. Adjust the focus. Oh, I tell you, a great photographer was lost in me. I could have been as well known as Armstrong and Jones. Let's have. Yeah, fine. Absolutely, Mr. Dinwiddie. Why have you got your tongue hanging out? Come on. It's not his tongue, Headmaster. It's the tape measure. You've told him to keep it there. Oh, boy. Stupid. Here. Oh, my.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Coop, you pulled me tooth out.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

What's the fussing about it? It didn't match the other one anyway. Come along, gentlemen. Mason, is this photograph going into the perspective? We got to get on with it. A big smile. Come on, please. Or in your case, Jim, we need two. Good. Now then, I say you won't be in the picture, Headmaster. Of course I'll be in the picture, Mr. Tennyson. Why do you think I left an empty chair there? This camera has a delayed action trigger. I simply set it for five seconds. So this gives me ample time to open.

[Mr. Tennyson]

It went off then.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

That's extraordinary. That wasn't five seconds. Oh, really? These blooming German gadgets can't even count up the. Oh, I see. I didn't. I didn't push it right home this time. And this time. This time for sure. Ready? Quite still now. 1, 2, 3, 4.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Sir. Sir Peter.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

What? What's the.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Oh, God, man, the camera.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

No, no, gentlemen. No, gentlemen. My bird, I think.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Sorry, sir, but that is.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Silence, gentlemen. Matron, the sitting is postponed. I'm sorry to wasted your time, but if it'll cheer you up at all, I can assure you that retribution will be swift and terrible. See you all. Silence. Bend over, boy. Just a moment, Headmaster. Scotty, you still here? Yes, Headmaster. I guess what you have in mind. And I must remind you. Oh. Oh, goodness me, if I've forgotten that, Lumley, I've had second thoughts. If you can assure me that you are truly sorry for breaking the camera, I shall not whack you.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Oh, I am sorry, sir. I'm jolly foreign, sir, honestly.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Your voice has the ring of truth about it, lad. I'm glad. It confirms my belief that no boy can be wholly bad. Especially when his uncle had just been made one of the school governors. Go in peace, Lumley.

[Mr. Tennyson]

But, sir, when I came to.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Lumley, don't push your luck out.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Yes, sir.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Thank Kevin Jew reminded me about his uncle. To have beaten a boy whose uncle is not only one of the school governors, but have also just presented the school with a brand new cricket pavilion. Oh, quite. You know, Potter, I was looking at the new cricket pavilion this morning. Do you know this model? This model is just like it. It's a fine building. A credit to Potter. What are you gawping out the window for? I was wondering where all that smoke is coming from. Oh, it's probably somebody burning some leaves. Come and have a look at this mock up of the new prospectus. Yes, Headmaster. Doesn't smell like burning leaves. It smells more like wood. Oh, you are a fuss budget. Now look.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Look at this. Out.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Now then, on this first page, I want that photograph of the staff group around the model of the pavilion. Where can that smoke be coming from? And then on the facing page, we'll print a list of the examinations which we prepare the boys for. And above that, the school motto. They shall not pass. You know, I just realized where it might be coming from.

[Mr. Tennyson]

So. For Peter.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Lovely.

[Mr. Tennyson]

How dare you.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

I've warned you once, I've warned you twice, I've warned you thrice. I'm not going to warn you a third time. Whatever you've got, it doesn't excuse your bursting into a room without first knocking. Go out and come in again properly.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Oh.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

You didn't wait for me to say come in. Do it again. I say. I can see the flames now, Headmaster. Stop dithering. Hurry, lovelies. A boy does not speak until he's given permission.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Permission to speak, sir.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Granted. Sir.

[Mr. Tennyson]

The new cricket pavilion, which had just caught fire when I first came in, is now practically burnt to the ground.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

All right, don't panic. Don't panic. Everybody keep calm. I'm in charge. Get out of my way, Mother. Let me get to the telephone. Hello? Hello, Flossy? Hello? Listen, Flossy. Emergency.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Emergency.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Emergency. Give me the fire station.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Yes.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Hello? Hello? No, I don't know the number. What? Hang up and dial 999. All right, dial 9. No, Lucky, this phone hasn't got a dial. What? So you should be dop. Henry, give me the fire station. The fire station where we have the witch drive. Yes, Jesse. It's no good. In my sense, the pavilion's a total lock. Oh, no. We're burnt to the ground. All we could salvage was this plaque. If I remember what it says, this cricket pavilion was generously donated by Brigadier Sir George Lumley, DSOMC and allowed to burn down by Professor James Edwards n a lot P Lo T Lake of this parish.

[Podcast Host]

This podcast is sponsored by IQ Bar. Your favorite clean, functional, delicious nutrition brand is raising the bar with a little help from Thomas Keller, Michelin star chef of the French Laundry. IQ Bar and Thomas Keller have teamed up to create a salted caramel chip protein bar and Yuzu mango hydration mix with toasted macadamia nuts. Rich caramel flavor and brain boosting nutrients. This bar is like having a Michelin star meal in your pocket. Pair it with the Tastebud Tingling Yuzu Mango IQMIX Hydration mix packed with magnesium and adaptogens to improve clarity and mood. With Keller's culinary excellence and IQ Bar's commitment to great taste and clean ingredients, this limited edition collaboration is simply. And the best part is that 10% of sales go directly to Chef Keller's nonprofit mentor that supports aspiring young chefs. Great taste, great nutrition, great mission. Go to iqbar.com today and enter promo code KELLER20 to get 20% off all IQ Bar products plus free shipping. That's iqbar.com promo code KELLER20.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

All right, Matron, while I carry on with my packing, just read back what I've dictated so far.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Okey dokey. Dear Brigadier alumni, once again may I thank you for your magnificent gift of the new cookie pavilion for Chisleborough School. I cannot tell you how much we are all looking forward to your coming down on Saturday to perform the official opening ceremony. There is, however, the one point I feel you should know. This afternoon the whole rubbish thing burned down.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

It's no good, is it? Not good enough. There's just no way of putting it that makes it sound an achievement.

[Mr. Tennyson]

I don't see why you're so sure he'll get you sacked. Seems so unfair.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Follow the penalties of command, Mason. A captain goes down with his ship, the headmaster goes up with his cricket pavilion. Oh, yes. He'll have me out of my ear all right.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Oh, no, Jim.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Oh, yes, Jim. And winter coming on too, thank heavens. I've just bought myself a nice warm overcoat.

[Mr. Tennyson]

But why should he turn so nasty? After all, his civilian is insured. It's a good job he sent you that 30 quid to pay the premium with, isn't it?

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Well, it's a good job he sent it. A bad job I didn't pay it.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Oh, Jim.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Never mind. Oh, Jim. Pass me that hanger. It's a shame to crease a 30 quid overcoat. Thank you.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Oh, hello, sir. I just came to say I'm awfully sorry, sir.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Well, it's not your fault, London. You can't be blamed what your uncle does.

[Mr. Tennyson]

I don't mean that, sir. I mean I'm sorry for setting fire to the cricket pavilion.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Well, we all meet. What?

[Mr. Tennyson]

It was an accident, sir. Alicia and supper were a pier sunk. Man made fire by robbing two sticks together.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Supper you were, Wade.

[Mr. Tennyson]

I must have rubbed a bit too hard, sir. I'm sorry.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Not at all, lovely. Not at all. Tear that. Interrupt me when I'M in the clear. Start again. Dear Brigadier, I regret to report that your darling nephew this afternoon was responsible.

[Mr. Tennyson]

No, you can't do that. That's nature.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Every man for himself, matey. It's a lesson you'll have to learn sooner or later. Who was responsible for a fire which completely destroyed.

[Mr. Tennyson]

All right, sir. In that case, I shall be forced to sneak on you.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

You've got nothing to sneak on me about, Tosh. I got a nice clear conscience.

[Mr. Tennyson]

You've also got a nice new overcoat.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

What? Why you. I'll teach you to listen at keyholes. I'll.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Silence. Won't help you, sir. We're in this together.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Yes, I suppose we are. Up to the eyeballs. Well, all right, clever cuts. Let's see if you can think of some way out.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Couldn't you tell the Brigadier it was struck by lightning?

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

No, I've already used that one. When he found me lying in the gutter after the old boy's dinner, he didn't believe that. Oh, it's hopeless. I mean, it wouldn't look so bad if something else had burnt down as well. I mean, if the cricket pavilion have been just a small part of some general disaster.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Well, that could be arranged, sir.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

What do you mean?

[Mr. Tennyson]

Well, sir, let's burn the whole school down.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Burn the whole school down? Mason, did you hear this? Short, trousered Nero. O Mason, you are in the presence of 4 foot 2 of undiluted wickedness. As you value your purity. Leave. My what? Never mind. Leave. Leave. Now. Let's don't even breathe the same air as this depraved creature. Set fire to Chiselberry, he says, or I should Gum. Come on, lovely, let's get down to details. How are we going to work it?

[Mr. Tennyson]

I didn't mean really burn the whole school down, sir. Just make it look as though it.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Had all caught fire. Yes, yes, I see. We could send the boys out on a. On a cross country run so there's no chance of casualties. Then start a small blaze in my study. And then when your uncle arrives, I show him the blackened wallpaper. Yes, Brigadier Lumley. I say to him, the whole school was a blazing inferno. Single handed I fought the flames and by the grace of Providence, saved the score. Unfortunately, Brigadier, one spark, one stray spark drifted out of the window, around the corner, over the trees, out the back of the pig farm and lighted on your pretty pavilion. This is our only lot.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Jolly good, sir.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Thank you. Lovely. Now, let's see. Your uncle's due here on Saturday morning. I better have the fire Friday afternoon. Yes, I can feed whole son. It can't fail. Goodbye, boys. Goodbye. Have a nice run. Enjoy yourselves. There'll be a good fire when you get back. A very good fire from the look of this pile. Tea, paper, rags, old mattresses, tin of petrol. That should get the old study blazing.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Potter.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Potter. Yes, Headmaster? Have you got that Bunsen burner? Yes, here it is, Headmaster. Already I've connected the other end to the gas cap in the science lab. It's already turned on. All you have to do is release the stop cock right now. You do that. I'll stand by with a message. Ready? Here we go then. Now. Pot.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Turn it off. That water. It is the wrong cave.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Little idiot. No, I. Oh, really. No wonder Guy Force got nabbed. Look what you've done. Soak me, Matches. I'm sorry, Headmaster. The mind passing at people. I just. Right. Would you believe it? It's run out of petrol. Well, here's the petrol can hit, Master. I think I use it all on the pile. See, there's a drop left. Yes, Headmaster. I can't quite see through this little hole. Well, the dark. Just a moment. I like a mess. Papa, have you got matches? Listen to hitmarket. Huh? Quite all right. No, it's matches that I want.

[Mr. Tennyson]

That's what I want. Matches.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Oh, yes, of course. Oh, here you are, Headmaster. Really, really. As an assistant, you're a complete liability. How could you ever hope to become a headmaster when you can't do a simple thing like burning the school down? I'm worried. I mean, suppose the boys got back early from their cross country run. They will be. Won't get back early. I've arranged. Not from where I've sent them. It's a long way to Carlisle via Budley's Orchestone. But there's once been a danger, Headmaster. It's a fast spread.

[Mr. Tennyson]

It's one spread.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Good listening. I'm only going to let it burn for a couple of minutes and then we'll put it out with the extinguisher. But it. It.

[Mr. Tennyson]

It smacks of arson.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Never mind what it smacks. Hold the seat, the paper up. The Internet, Master. It's a light. And back here we.

[Podcast Host]

This podcast is sponsored by IQ Bar. Your favorite clean, functional, delicious nutrition brand is raising the bar with a little help from Thomas Keller, Michelin star chef of the French Laundry. IQ Bar and Thomas Keller have teamed up to create a salted caramel chip protein bar and Yuzu mango hydration mix with toasted macadamia nuts. Rich caramel flavor and brain boosting nutrients. This bar is like having a Michelin star meal in your pocket. Pair it with the Tastebud Tingling Yuzu Mango Iqmix Hydration mix packed with magnesium and adaptogens to improve clarity and mood. With Keller's culinary excellence and IQ Bar's commitment to great taste and clean ingredients, this limited edition collaboration is simply. Mwah. And the best part is that 10% of sales go directly to Chef Keller's nonprofit mentor that supports aspiring young chefs. Great taste, great nutrition, great mission. Go to iqbar.com today and enter promo code KELLER20 to get 20% off all IQ Bar products plus free shipping. That's iqb.com promo code KELLER20.

[Mr. Tennyson]

What?

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

It's a barber game. Johnny. That was quick. This means prison. Oh, shut up. Stamp on the paper. Stamp on.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Must have looked.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

There's a fireman outside the window. Well, I better open it before he gets carried away with that axe. Afternoon. All right, but I have the women at Churro Pass. Most startlingly efficient thing that I've ever seen.

[Mr. Tennyson]

How did you get here so quickly?

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Ah, well, we came as soon as we got the message. What message? From perfectly. Five minutes ago. I'll start dark. I've just remembered there's a four for Jim's score. But that fire was yesterday. Oh, well, I can't help that the fires are parted. We have to investigate, you know. There's nothing to investigate. There's no fire, no danger, nothing. See? Sure, my dear. Quite sure, my dear. Take the ladder away, Jack. I'm all right. All of you. Say it all with a goal. Up. Good day. Good day. Good day. Oh, hidden, master. That was a close shave. Suppose they could. Goodbye, Harry. Goodbye, Ted. No, Ted, no. Don't wave with the arm you're hanging on with. All right, he landed in the soft. Now, come on, let's get a g up into this. I'll put a match in the pile. You go down to the common room and bring up a shovel full of hot coals off the fire. That'll get it going. Mighty hick, master. Right, this is it. I don't want to get the name. My study matches. Paper. This is it. Here we. Ah, there you are again. Oh, no. Oh, no. Please, no. What's the matter, man? Why, Brigadier Lumley, what a delightful surprise. I hadn't planned on your arriving until tomorrow. Well, I managed to get away early. Look, what's going on here? What's going on this pile of. I don't know, but it looks as though you're trying to Set fire to the place that might go. Whatever makes you think that? Here we are, Headmaster. Here's a lovely big sample. This will make us. Over your shoulder. Oh my goodness, another farmer. You remember this is Brigadier Lumley, who gave us the cricket pavilion. Look here, any of us. There's something awfully peculiar going on here. The whole place is deserted. This room reached a petal. There's this. What's this vile stuff? Well, digestive. It's a Christmas. It's the stuffing for the turkey, stuffing for the newspapers, rags, a roll of bedding. It's an old Mongolian recipe. Edwards. I don't believe it. If you want my opinion, you're a bare faced liar. There are some things I will not be called. Liar. Yes, but bare face. Then why are you acting so strangely? There's something wrong, Edward. Oh, it's nothing to do with my cricket pavilion, is it? Let me get to that window. Edward, where is my pavilion?

[Mr. Tennyson]

I can't see.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Well, of course you can't. If you'd imagine. Just think you can go to the window and see. You see, it's the November myth. At this time of year? Well, they come early around here to avoid the winter Gulf Stream. You know, you're alive again. Concerns you? All right, I'll show you your blooming pavilion. Look, why don't you go and get my telescope from the office next door? You'll find it on the table under the window facing the matron's bedroom. And I've never seen nothing wrong. Headmaster, your telescope. Here. But it's.

[Mr. Tennyson]

It's broken.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Isn't it awful? Please stop nattering. Look, quick, nip outside with that model of the pavilion and hold it up outside the window when he. When he puts the telescope onto it. Oh, yes, of course. Sir Martin, here's the model. Quick, don't throw it out. The model. I can't see any telescope. Oh, can't you? Oh, no, of course it.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Here.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

I forgot. Mason changed her bedroom. Well, now I'll let it. I'll adjust the telescope for you. There. Good eyesight, haven't you? Area. That should be all right. Let's see now. I can't see a thing. You've got it too low. Hold it up a bit. Hold it up a bit. Stop shouting. I'm. Oh yes, I can see now. Of course you can. Yes, there it is with the trees behind it. I can see it quite clearly.

[Mr. Tennyson]

It's a. Hello.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

What's that large pig thing against the side wall? That's Potter's son. What? Potter's Mum. His mum. He's come down to the ceremony. Got no curries on them. Moment. Everybody's going to be there, you know. Really good. Well, your job said let's go back. It wasn't. Well, I owe you an apology. I rather threw off the handle. It's quite understandable. Now, why don't you. Why don't you go up to your room and unpack you play. Thank you. Oh, thank you, thank you. Take all the time you like. Give the old cat badge a polish. That me a thing? I'm like a limp rag. Headmaster, we're done for. No, we're not done for. We've still got a slim trance. Provided we can get the blaze started right away. Here, the matches. I'd like it to. Fellows. Here, this isn't my bedding, is it? Oh, no, Headmaster. I took it off Mr. Dinwiddie's bed. Oh, that's all right. If he gets cold in the night, he can just pull his head down inside his night shirt. Right. This is it, Matt. It's still damp. Burn you bon. Or even smoldering. Give it a kick. Pint, master? To death. No, master. There's somebody in there. Look, he's coming out. Oh, it must have been Wiggin. Oh, I love my afternoon dim. Woody, you stupid old fool. You fault the whole plan. What whole plan? What's been happening? I fall asleep in my bed and I wake up here. Mr. Willie, what do you mean you don't know what's been happening? Oh, how can I know what's happening when I'm asleep? Of course. Of course. That's it. How could he know what's happening when he's asleep? That's how we'll do it. Move over, Machiavelli. Make way for Jim. Oh, it's you, Anthony.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Yes, Uncle George. I just stopped him to say good night.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Oh, does your headmaster love it?

[Mr. Tennyson]

Oh, yes, Uncle. He is all for it. In fact, he asked me to bring along a cigar and a nightcap for you. Here you are.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Well, that's very civil of him. Nightcap, eh? Whiskey, is it?

[Mr. Tennyson]

I don't know. The headmaster got Mr. Potter to mix it. Mr. Potter teaches chemistry.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Ethereum. Well, it tastes all right. Little bitter perhaps.

[Mr. Tennyson]

It's a very good cigar, though, Uncle George.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

No, thank you, boy. Yes, yes, very good. That drink was bitter, you know. It was nice of them to.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Uncle George. Uncle George. Uncle George.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

He's away.

[Mr. Tennyson]

All right, sir. You can come in now.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Very good. Is he off? Good. Take the cigar out of his mouth. That's it. Now we're all set. Snoring like a pig there. The next part of my plan takes place in my study at 8 o' clock tomorrow morning. All right for you, snoring away there, you blooming brigadier. You'll never know what trouble you'll put me through. Look at my study. Black and walls broken, windows, water all over the place, and me covered in soot. Here, you have some. Yes, that's better. Very convincing. The ovens are just coming, headmaster. Oh, dear. This place does look awful. Of course it looks awful. We've had a fire away. Oh, yes, of course. Half a bit of air. There he is, still sleeping like a babe. That stuff you gave him was pretty good. He didn't even wake up when I brought him in here from the bedroom. You managed to carry him all that way? Well, I didn't exactly carry him. I held his ankles, you see, and dragged him behind me like a sledge. He didn't point her? No. Mind you, he grunted a bit coming down the stone steps. Aha. The other firefighters come in, my brave ones.

[Mr. Tennyson]

I would be settled enough, Jim.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Splendid. I've never seen anyone look left. Shovel, take up the positions for Mr. Tennyson. Tag against the wall. The potter helps to hold him up. Mason, you take Mr. Dinwilly's head in your lap. Oh, no, no, Mr. Dinwiddie. Lie down first. That's it. Fine. Now, remember, you've all been up all night fighting a fire to look haggard and exhausted. Come on, Potter. That's it. Hold us at that. And here we go. Thanks. What am I doing here? It's all right, sir. You're safe now. Safe? Safe from what? What's happening? I went to sleep in your bedroom last night and I wake up here. What's been going on? He doesn't remember. Sometimes nature is very merciful.

[Mr. Tennyson]

Oh, my head.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

Something must have bumped the back of my head. That'll be when the blazing rafter fell across the bed. Blazing? What do you mean? Has that been a pile? There, there, there. You mustn't blame yourself. Blame myself? Do you remember smoking a cigar before you went to bed? Cigar? Cigar, yes, was a cigar. I remember starting it. But after that it was all blank. Exactly. Oh, what a devilish thing this smoking in bed is, to be sure. A smoldering cigar, the curtains floating in the breeze, a little tongue of flame and then whoop, whoop, whoop. The whole school of blazing inferno. Oh, no. Oh, good grief. Try not to reproach yourself too much. But who would that old man?

[Mr. Tennyson]

Well, I I think he'll be all right. But you have a bad time.

[Professor Jimmy Edwards]

The lambs of a Salem. Bad Tennyson. Badass. Don't overdo it. What do you mean to say that the school is completely gutted. Some of it still stands, thanks to the prompt action of one man. Please, Potter, please. I beg you not to talk about it. You mean the headmaster was responsible for saying it all? Please. I did but do my duty. In your hand did he brave the leaping flames, the choking fumes? Potter, I beg you. It was nothing. And. And with the strength of 10 men, he plucks you from the jaws of hell. And was I. Let me shake your hand. I. Oh, you're hurt. Nothing. Just a simple cripple fracture. All in the line of beauty, Brigadier. My soul regresses that a stray spark, one stray spark drifted out of the window, round the corner, over the Queen, up the back of the pig farm and onto the cricket pavilion. Ah, what does the cricket pavilion matter? It's burnt to the ground. Well, if that's anybody's fault, it's mine. Oh, it was. How can I thank you? Money. Oh, no, more than that. More money, of course, for my checkbook went up in that lading bedroom. There's chance with Harris. It's the one thing I managed to save. And your ballpoint. You are. Oh, thank you. Well, now, the least that I can do is to pay for another cricket pavilion. Cost, of course. Enough to cover the rest of the damage I caused. Now, how much would you say? Well, why not leave a bit blank? Just fine it, and I'll fill in the amount as soon as I've contacted my bookmaker. A key factor. Oh, certainly. There you are, then. Thank you. Now, we have a hired car waiting outside. Mason will show you out. Have a good long rest somewhere miles away. Go to the Antipodes and don't come back here until the scars of memory have healed. I won't. I won't. And I assure you, your action will not be unremembered. It will. Wherever old boys of Thistlebury foregather, men will point to you and say, this was the noblest old settler of them all. Goodbye, Edwards, and thank you again. Goodbye, Brigadier, and thank you. Well, gentlemen, thank you. And before you depart, I think this hour of would seem to be the proper moment to take our scar photograph. So just rub the soot off your faces and smarten up and get into position. Is the camera mended? Yes. Yes, it is.

[Podcast Host]

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