← Harold's Old Time Radio
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- [00:07]
Bobby
Calcutta, Madras, Bombay, Karachi, Delhi. Hi, Zappa. Good. What's all this? Town's in India or something. Oh, Strike. He's not going on with that, is he? Well, we haven't done any of them yet. Gah, he's indus got a very. I don't know. They're rivers. Yeah, those are. But on the other end of Blackport he's got the towns. And this is man. Yeah, we gotta do them. I've got a good mind to rub em out. Eh? There go. He'll get us all into trouble. Oh, rats. Well, anyhow, I wanna learn em. What for? Are you going to India? No, but geography's interesting. Well, I just as soon go bird nesting myself. Well, my father reckons I don't learn enough at this school. Eh? What made him say that? It was just because I couldn't spell me name. Is that all? Yeah. Well, I'm glad my father's not cruel like that. He's not cruel. Well, unreasonable then. He's not unreasonable either. You're thinking me mother. Your mother? Yeah. Do you like your father better than your mother? Yeah. Like me father better? Yeah. Why? Well, he's hardly ever home. Well, I'm going to clean this blackboard anyhow. Well, I'm not going to have anything to do with it. All right, throw us that duster. There you are. But I'm not doing it. All right, you just play with your rattle now, off it comes. Bother me. Yeah. What are you doing there? Oh. Oh, dear. Sir? Yes, Bobby, it's me. And just what do you think you're about to do? Well, how do you mean, sir? You know very well how I mean. Stop trying to spar for time. What are you doing with that duster? Duster? Yes, that in your hand. That's my duster. Is this your duster, sir? Yes, of course it is. Well, strike. That's lucky. Lucky? Yes, just as William told me that, sir. Is it? Sure. Why, I was just gonna clean me boots with it. Were you? Clean your boots? Yes, sir. But you just came. Came in in time. Yes, apparently I did. I'd have never forgiven myself if I had done that, sir. No, the idea of me taking your property to clean my boots. All right, all right. Look, there's no need to make a song about it. It's only a duster, after all. No, sir. But that's not the point. Oh, isn't it? No, sir. Oh. And what do you know about it, Stamford? Well, I wasn't in it, sir. Weren't you? No, sir. Cause I said if you clean the blackboard. Well, I'm not in it. What? Hey, by the devil, have a bit of brain. I've got a bit of brine. So you were going to clean the blackboard, were you, Bottomy? Oh, me, sir? Yes, you. Your name's Bottomy, isn't it? Sure. You must remember, mate. Yes, well, I know the face. I just can't place the feet for the moment. But I. No, wait a minute. Remember you. Of course I remember you. I regret to announce that I'll remember you till my dying day. Where will that be, sir? Well, are you in a hurry? Sure. You couldn't make it now, could you? Wait a minute. Sure. Right. Bother me. That's the only way to deal with you. I should have given you that as soon as I arrived. Right. And stop that sniveling. We can't waste our time listening to you all day. We've got a lot of work to do. Now look at the blackboard. Ah, now first of all, look at what's arrived. Green bottle. Yeah. Yes. What? Yes, well, I'm the best looking chap in this class. Yes. Oh, yeah. Your face looks like the back of a train. Oh, you shoot your bo. Yeah. What for? I don't look like a shrimp? Cow? Maybe it's a war tank. Listen, listen, will you boys stop these arguments? I don't know why you boys don't show me a little more respect occasionally. And nobody cares what you look like. Green bottle. Well, I do. All right, well, so you might, but we don't. Yes, well, we. Green bottles have a style of beauty which is not common among less intelligent people. And if it's not too much, there's a green bottle. If you dare start to talk about yourself during this lesson, you'll find yourself a mess of bruises at the finish. Yes, I'm determined that we'll get through the work that I've scheduled for the day, even if it means a stand up fight. I'm heartily sick of the progress or the absence of progress that has been made in this class during the last few lessons. But that's all going to be autumn. Ah, yes. Oh, so you can mark my words. Yes, sir. Good. Now look at the blackboard, all of you. Oh, yes, sir. You'll notice that I've compiled a list of the important rivers and towns of India. Yeah. Yes. So I've read the trail. Did you? What's the matter with you, Greenbottle? Are you having a stroke or something? No. Oh no, it's all right. I thought for the moment that. You said India. Oh, I see. Well, you ought to listen more attentively. I. Now, wait a minute. I did say India. It's a caution. I did say India. You did? Yes, of course I did. But you broke up near the River Ganges, and that's in Egypt. Ah. And now I suppose it'll take at least half an hour to persuade you that it's not in Egypt. It'll take longer than that. Oh, will it? Yes. Cause that's the river where they used to have the showboat. The what? The black fellows all used to sing mammy songs. Oh, the old man was telling me all about it. Yeah, The Degree bottle. Look. Yes? Don't you ever run out of breath? Yes. What for? Well, I wish you would, but you can't let these mistakes go by. Mistakes? There's no mistake. You're the one who's making all the mistakes. No, I'm not. Well, I say you are. Well, I wouldn't have ripped the wrong river up there anyhow. You. You wouldn't have what? I wouldn't have ripped the Ganges up there. Oh, wouldn't you? No. But you wrote it up there. And that's where the mistake is. The green bottle. Before you start correcting people about making about the mistakes they make, don't you think it'd be a good idea to correct some of your own? Some of me are. Yes, but I thought I made it fairly clear to you about the Ganges being in Egypt. Well, it isn't in Egypt. Well, who shifted it? Shifted it? Nobody shifted it, you idiot. You can't shift the river. Yes, well, it must be still in Egypt. Dreamforl, the Ganges is not in Egypt. It never has been and it never will be. But quite apart from all your mistakes of fact, you can't even speak properly. Oh, yes, I can. Look, you can't do anything of the kind. All the speeches, all the sentences that you utter are full of grammatical errors. I can't understand you. Yes, well, I can understand myself, all right. Yes, but. So you might. You might be able to, but nobody else can. What about when you said you wouldn't have writ the Ganges up there? Well, there's no mistake about that. Isn't there? Oh, cos that's in engine. Oh, great. Look, if you say that again, I'll just come down on you like a ton of brick. But. But I'm not complaining about that for the moment. I'm trying to correct your grammar. Yeah, I. Look, and don't tell her. Don't tell Me that she's gone to the football with your grandpa either. I didn't say Grandma. Well, it's just as well, too. Cause she won't go to the football. Oh, won't she? No, she reckons it's sissy. Sissy? Yes, but you can't keep her away from the wrestling. Wrestling? Yes, she goes every Saturday night. They had to throw her out last week cause she was making too much noise. Now, listen. I remember one day she was sitting there smoking her. Now, will you keep quiet, Green muscle. Look, if you think that I want to listen to rubbish like that all the time, you're quite wrong. Well, that suited me. I'll get it. Yeah, I like your wrestling. Do you? Sure. Tell us some more, Queenie. Yes. Now, look. Don't you dare, Greenbox. Don't you dare. And bottomy. Yeah. You'd do me a personal favor if you were to mind your own business. And if you. If you don't, you'll have to be prepared to take the consequences. Yes, sir. Yes, and you, too. Now, listen to me, all of you. This lesson is just developing into the old style of lesson where it was all argument and no work. And I've made up my mind, as I told you, that that sort of thing had to finish. However, as much as I'd like to get on with this geography, I'd be failing in my duty as the schoolmaster here if I didn't correct your English grammar, which can only be described as appalling. Green bottle. Don't contradict me like that. You're the one who's responsible for me saying this. I am? Yes, Greenbottle, you are. We'll just go back to where Greenbottle accused me of writing the wrong river on the blackboard. Yes, well, there's nothing wrong with this pointing out that. Quiet, Greenbottle, quiet. Thank you. If it's going to avoid an argument. All right. I wrote the wrong one there. The Ganges is in Egypt. Yes, well, what did I tell you? What's the. All right, Greenbuttle. I was wrong. If that will keep you quiet. Yes. And now perhaps you'll allow me to correct your grammatical errors. Yes, sir. Quiet. It's incorrect to say you writ that up there. I. You don't say you writ that up there. You say you wrote that up there and so you have. And what do you mean, so I have? So you have broke it up there. And you don't say that either. It's. You have written it up there. Well, that's what I said. You didn't say anything of the kind. Green book. Look, I wish you'd listen to what I tell you. It's I write, I have written or I wrote. And when you use the word you, you say you write. You have written or you wrote. Why, look, nobody asked you all to start talking. Do you think you can understand that now? Not very well, sir. Ah, well, look, let's take another word. We'll take a simple verb and conjugate it. The verb to run. Well, can anybody conjugate that? What do you mean, sir? Look, one of these days you boys are going to know something and I'll probably have heart failure. I remember that exactly. What did you say, Vonneby? Say, sir? I just said I can't remember that. What? How to conjugate a verb, sir. Well, you didn't say that at all. But I'm not going to argue about it. We'll be here all night. The verb to run is I run, thou runnest. He runs, we run, you run, they run. Why, sir? Well, they're after us. Why? Well, that's the conjugation of the verb to run. I run, you run, he run. Do you understand it? Well, do you? No, sir. Look, are you boys just having a game with me? Well, it seems like it. Wake yourselves up. Wake up and pay attention, for goodness sake. I'll take another verb to love. I love, you love. He loves. There now. Well, there's another one. I love, you love, he loves. Do you understand that? Yes, of course I do. Oh, at last. Thank you, Greenbottle. Thank you. Yes, well, I know what that is. Oh, well, that's marvellous. What is it? That's one of those triangles where someone gets shot. The eternal triangle. Yes. I love, you love, he love. Now wait a minute, Wait a minute. That's not right. Yes, it is. I seen it on the pit. Sure, that's right. How have I seen if it's one of them triangles? Green bottle, will you stop going mad? I'm not going mad. Well, look, all I wanted you to say was that that was the conjugation of the verb to love. Yes, well, I don't know about that, but it's one of them triangles. Oh, I don't believe it. And I do? In Chicago, one chap touches another chap's wife, but I see them in the pictures. Then the husband rushes in with a machine gun and goes, jab's your right buttery. You appear to have gone mad as well as green bottle. No, I haven't. Well, look, I don't know how many times I've had to tell you about making that dreadful machine gun noise I'm always telling you yeah, yes, and you too, Greenbuckle I. I've never made a machine gun noise haven't you? No, of course I haven't no and he can't do it, that's why oh, well, that's a relief to know that much yeah oh, I'm the one that makes the train noises. The train noises? All of them. Listen and don't say you didn't ask for that Dreamer. Machine. Machine gun noises. Train noises. Look, somebody has only got to make some other sort of noise and I'll go crazy I can make cow noises, sir I'll shoot him for you, sir yes, yes, and I'll take the carcass away in the train oh, it's not finished well, good morning, boys Good morning, sir Good morning, boys oh, it's terrible.