Yes, What xx-xx-xx (xxx) Xxx) History Bottomly Is Caught Cheating

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Yes, What – "History Bottomly Is Caught Cheating"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: September 2, 2025

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Main Theme

This episode is a vintage comedy classroom scene from the classic radio serial "Yes, What?" The focal point is a chaotic history lesson where Bottomly, one of the students, is caught cheating during an oral examination on the Tudor kings and the wives of Henry VIII. The episode showcases the rapid-fire, pun-laden banter between the pupils and their exasperated teacher, Dr. Pym, embodying the energetic, subversive humor characteristic of early radio comedy.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Mathematical Mayhem (00:36–02:52)

• The students debate a math problem (whether 7 and 8 equal 19).
• General confusion and mischief, including references to Greenbottle’s unusual calculations and the use of matches to figure out the answer.
• Dr. Pym attempts to restore order but gets caught up in the boys' wordplay and bad puns.
• Notable Quote:
  • Dr. Pym (02:03): "Seven and eight is 15, Bottomly. A one and a five. One o’ five. Exactly. It’s a bargain sale. Seven and eight reduced to one o’ five!"

2. Greenbottle’s Late Arrival (03:32–05:46)

• Greenbottle arrives late and offers a wild excuse: watching a building being constructed, falling asleep in a cart, and being "carried away."
• Dr. Pym grows increasingly frustrated with Greenbottle’s elaborate stories.
• Notable Quote:
  • Dr. Pym (05:10): "Greenbottle, if you ever give me another ridiculous excuse like that for being late, you’ll be carried away from here in a hearse."
  • Greenbottle (05:22): "Hearses don’t hurry."
  • Dr. Pym (05:26): "Now you’re thinking of a fire engine!"

3. The Perpetual Examination (05:46–07:57)

• Dr. Pym expresses frustration that this is the fourth attempt at holding an exam, foiled previously by student antics.
• He outlines the marking system and warns that a report will be sent to parents.
• The students immediately start making noise and jokes as Bottomly leads in marks.

4. The Wives of Henry VIII (07:03–08:52)

• Stanford is asked to recite the wives of Henry VIII.
• The students jokingly recite unrelated poetry and names (e.g., "Mary, go and call the cattle home", "Bride of Frankenstein"), much to Dr. Pym’s chagrin.
• Notable Quote:
  • Dr. Pym (07:18): "I didn’t want you to recite the Sands of Dee, you idiot. I want you to recite the wives!"
  • Stanford (08:43): "I keep thinking of people like Catherine of Aragon and Anne Boleynson."

5. The History Question and the Cheating Scandal (09:27–13:06)

• Bottomly successfully answers the question about Tudor sovereigns but is suspected by Dr. Pym of cheating.
• The teacher inspects his fingernails, the blackboard, and finally discovers that Bottomly has been using Stanford’s history book hidden under the desk.
• Notable Quote:
  • Dr. Pym (12:43): "And so you had Stanford’s book open under the desk, did you? Well. Ah, well, at last I’ve caught you. You’re about to receive the biggest thrashing of your life. That was your swan song, Bottomly."
• The episode climaxes with Dr. Pym preparing to discipline Bottomly for cheating and general insubordination, ending in classic classroom chaos.

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Memorable Moments & Quotes with Timestamps

• Math Confusion and Bargain Pun
  • Dr. Pym: "Seven and eight is 15, Bottomly. A one and a five. One o’ five. Exactly. It’s a bargain sale. Seven and eight reduced to one o’ five." (02:03)
• Absurd Excuse for Tardiness
  • Dr. Pym: "Greenbottle, if you ever give me another ridiculous excuse like that for being late, you’ll be carried away from here in a hearse." (05:10)
  • Greenbottle: "Hearses don’t hurry." (05:22)
  • Dr. Pym: "Now you’re thinking of a fire engine!" (05:26)
• Poetry Instead of Wives
  • Dr. Pym: "I didn’t want you to recite the Sands of Dee, you idiot. I want you to recite the wives!" (07:18)
• Discovery of Cheating
  • Dr. Pym: "And so you had Stanford’s book open under the desk, did you? Well. Ah, well, at last I’ve caught you." (12:43)
  • Dr. Pym: "You’re about to receive the biggest thrashing of your life. That was your swan song, Bottomly." (12:45)

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Segment Timestamps

• [00:36] – Episode begins with schoolyard banter on math confusion
• [03:32] – Greenbottle’s late arrival and tall tale
• [05:46] – Dr. Pym tries to start the exam, outlines the rules
• [07:03] – Henry VIII’s wives question goes off the rails
• [09:27] – Bottomly’s history answer and Dr. Pym’s suspicion
• [12:43] – Cheating is discovered, threat of punishment

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Tone and Style

The tone is irreverent, quick-witted, and farcical, with plenty of slapstick-rich dialogue, puns, and insult comedy. The students are crafty, mischievous, and united in their efforts to subvert authority, while Dr. Pym is the stereotypically beleaguered, easily flustered schoolmaster whose attempts at discipline only fuel further chaos.

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Conclusion

This classic snippet captures the anarchic spirit and sharp wordplay of Golden Age radio comedy, showcasing why "Yes, What?" remains beloved. The humor is timeless, built on misunderstandings, schoolboy tricks, and the eternal conflict between youth and authority.

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Transcript

[A]

Big news.

[B]

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[A]

Wayfair Every Style, every home.

[C]

Hey, Bottomley.

[A]

Yeah?

[C]

My father reckons that seven and eight aren't 19.

[A]

Serves him right, eh? But what are you blaming me for? I'm not blaming you.

[C]

I'm just telling you.

[A]

What? 7 and 8 aren't 19. No, I never said they were. Well, green bottle did I. Can't help that. Yeah, and Dr. Pym agreed with him too. Yeah, but Granny was only pulling his leg. Pulling his leg? Yeah. Well, didn't you? The way he worked it out?

[C]

Yeah, but that sounded all right.

[A]

Aw, don't be a Dill. I'm not.

[C]

Well, how would you work it out?

[D]

Me?

[A]

Yeah. Well, Savin, I don't have to work it out. No, but what? Suppose you did. Yeah, well what? Suppose you go and have a bath.

[C]

I don't want a bath.

[A]

You want your brains brushed? No, I don't. Let that pot down. Good morning, boys. Good morning, sir. Good morning, boys. Now listen to me, both of you. Yes, sir. I don't want to appear ruthless or domineering, but there's one thing I'm determined to do today that I've been trying to do for the last four lessons and that's give you this examination. Did you hear about Stamper's father, sir? Father? No. What's happened now? Botany. Yeah. Did you hear what I just said? Yes. Well, do you think that I meant that you could just blurt out ridiculous and irrelevant remarks? No, sir, but that's about our work. About our work? Yes, sir. What is Stanford's father. Yeah.

[C]

Ah, he reckons seven and eight aren't 19, does he?

[A]

Yes, sir. Oh, well, it's time he went back to school. No, wait a minute. Neither. They are 19.

[C]

Well, you said they were, sir.

[A]

I did? No, you worked it out to 26. Yes, I know I did. But Greenbottle RECKON it was 19. Yes, all right, I know all about that. And that's a little matter that I'm going to fix up with Greenbottle as soon as he gets here. Yes, sir. He had us so confused last lesson with this, his ridiculous methods of working that nobody knew anything at the finish. No, sir, no. But when I got home last night, I worked it out. With matches. No. As soon as you boys left, I simply worked it out and got the answer. What is the answer? What answer? Seven and eight. 25. No, seven and eight is 15. Oh, 15. Yes, bottomly, 15. A one and a five. One of five. Exactly. It's been a bargain sale. Bargain sale? Seven and eight reduced to one of five. Oh, a bargain sale for one week only. Country orders taken. See tomorrow's papers.

[D]

Listen, but just a.

[A]

Serves you right, Buttery. Every lesson as far back as I can remember, you've gone on with some silly business like that. Well, I'm just about sick of it. And if there's any more of it, I'll tell your father and Green Bucket. Guess what? Go on, go on. Yes.

[D]

Aren't you going to tell me something?

[A]

Tell you something? No.

[D]

You said it's your bottomless spider and me.

[A]

Did I? No, I didn't. I've got nothing to tell you at all.

[D]

Well, I might just as well. Go on.

[A]

Exactly.

[D]

Yes, what better. No, no.

[A]

Look, come back here, Greenbox. Come here immediately.

[D]

Yes, but.

[A]

Jerry, will you stop talking and give somebody else a chance? No. Sit down in your place and try and behave like a normal, civilized human being.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And first of all, you can tell me why you were late. Yes.

[D]

Well, it was like this, you see.

[A]

Look, just a minute, Greenbox. Do your people know that you arrive at school late every day?

[D]

Yes, I.

[A]

Doesn't your mother send you off to school?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Well, how long ago did you leave home?

[D]

Oh, about an hour and a half ago.

[A]

Oh, I see. What, an hour and a half ago?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And you've only just arrived at school? Yes. Yes, what?

[D]

Yes, you surely come through the door.

[A]

Did I?

[D]

Yes, of course you did.

[A]

Oh, yes, I did. All right. What I want to know is what you've been doing for the last hour and a half. What did you do when you first left home?

[D]

Yes. Well, I started to come to school.

[A]

You started? Yes.

[D]

And then I stopped to watch a building.

[A]

Stopped to watch a building?

[D]

Yes. You know that big building they're putting up down in the corner?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yes. Well, I stopped and watched it.

[A]

Oh, did you just stop there and gaze at the building?

[D]

Yes. Well, I've got carried away.

[A]

Well, you. Look, you had no right to be standing there gazing at it. You should have come to school. No fancy standing looking at a building for an Hour and a half. I never.

[D]

Oh, I did not.

[A]

What? Didn't you just tell me that you did? Well, what have you been doing?

[D]

I went to sleep.

[A]

Went to sleep?

[D]

Yes, in the night you walked back.

[A]

Walked back where? Back to your home?

[D]

No, back to school.

[A]

Back to school? But listen, this was on the way to school.

[D]

Yes, but the cart went over the other side and fell.

[A]

The cart? What cart?

[D]

The cart I went to sleep in.

[A]

Oh, you went to sleep in a cart?

[D]

Yes, and I got carried away.

[A]

And you got carried away in the cart?

[D]

Yes, that's why I'm late for school. Green bottle.

[A]

If you ever give me another ridiculous excuse like that for being late, you'll be carried away from here in a hearse.

[D]

Miss, I.

[A]

In a hearse? In a hurry. In a hurry. Spot me if you like. Yes, in a hurry.

[D]

Hearses don't hurry.

[A]

Don't they?

[D]

Now, you're thinking of a fire engine. Fire engine?

[A]

Yeah, you know.

[D]

But what?

[A]

Look, stop that. Stop that there. Now, will you keep serves you're right. If you won't stop it when I tell you to, I've got to stop you by giving you the stick. Nobody asked you to carry on like a factory whistle or a fire engine or whatever it was supposed to be. No, sir. All right, Fire chief, steam engine. Stamp it. Hold your tongue.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Now, look, have you boys quite finished fooling around and wasting time? No, sir.

[D]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Yes, well, it's just as well for you you have, because nobody's going to leave here today until this examination is finished. Well, we're ready. Now, keep quiet. I don't know whether you boys realize it or not, but this is, I think, the fourth attempt I've made to conduct this examination. And each time you've got out of this classroom by means of some trick or other. All right, look, there's no need for that terribly injured tone in your voice. And that's not gonna help you at all. Right. Now, you get three marks for a correct answer and one mark for an attempt. And remember that a report is going to be sent home to your parents.

[C]

Yes, yes.

[A]

Now, I've got the remark. I've got the marks here somewhere. Oh, here we are. Well, so far, you. You've had only one question each. And the marks are as follows. Stanford nothing. Green bottle, one, Bottomley, three. Look, will you stop that dreadful noise? Are on top of the class. Top of the class, my foot. The examination is nowhere near finished yet. It so happens that you're in front at the moment. Certainly, but that's no reason to make all that noise. First question, Stanford. Yes, sir? Recite the wives of Henry VIII in their correct order.

[C]

How do you mean, recite them, sir?

[A]

Recite? Well, I mean exactly what I say. Recite.

[C]

Oh, Mary, go and call the cattle home.

[A]

And call the cattle home. Listen, Stanford.

[C]

And call the cattle home.

[A]

Stanford, will you stop wasting our time and answer the question? Yes.

[C]

You said recite, sir.

[A]

No, I didn't. All right, but I didn't want you to recite the Sands of D, you idiot. I want you to recite the Wives. What? The Wives.

[D]

Yes. Well, I've never heard of that.

[A]

Haven't you?

[D]

No, but I know the daffodils.

[A]

The daffodils I wanted.

[D]

Lowly as a cloud.

[A]

Did you?

[D]

Yes. That floats on.

[A]

That's not it either.

[D]

I want to listen.

[A]

Why don't I keep quiet? Now, will you keep quiet? You know as well as I do that I didn't want you reciting poetry. And. And Stanton. Yes, sir? Can you name the wives of Henry viii? Perhaps that's a little clearer. Yes, sir. Oh, now that. All right, well, we'll have a try. Look, and I don't want the nonsense that we had last lesson when we were studying this.

[C]

How do you mean, sir?

[A]

I mean that Henry VIII did not marry Joan of Arc, Mary of Argyll or the Rose of no Man's Land. It was sweet. And Ella Vault Drury. Exactly.

[D]

And the Bride of Frankenstein.

[A]

I know now.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

What are you talking. And you were in that, too.

[D]

No, no.

[A]

Serves you right, the pair of you. I just told you that I didn't want that. But does that make any difference? No. You just openly defy me and Stamp. Are you going to answer this question or aren't you? Strike.

[C]

I was just trying to think, sir.

[A]

Yes, well, be very careful of that. I don't want you to have a breakdown. But I certainly would appreciate it if you could give me an answer. Yes, well, look, can you remember any of his wives?

[C]

No, sir. Well, I keep thinking of people like Catherine of Aragon and Anne Boleynson.

[A]

Look, forget them and try and concentrate. You'll never get. Like who?

[C]

Like Catherine of Aragon and Anne Boleyn.

[A]

Well, that's right, eh?

[D]

That's right.

[A]

Both of them were the wives of Henry viii. Catherine of Aragon was first and Anne Boleyn was second. What ran third? Catherine Howard. And then came Anne of Cleves, who finished well, followed by Jane Seymour, Catherine Pile. Tailor or Flask was the gr.

[D]

No, bother me.

[A]

What are you talking. You were responsible for those. My boys. What do you think you're doing introducing these racing expressions into the classroom? I won't have it, I. Look, I've had to tell you about that sort of thing before and I won't tell you again, so just watch your step. Ah, yes.

[C]

Oh, did you put down my three, sir?

[A]

Three? Yes. How do you want it? Each way or straight out?

[D]

No, wait a minute.

[C]

No, sir, I'm talking about the marks.

[A]

Marks. All right, I know. Stamp with three. Yes, I've got it down there in my book. And what's more, you were very lucky to get any at all. Yeah, I'll say. Hold your tongue. It's your turn now, Bottomy. Yeah? Name the sovereigns who were on the throne during the House of Tudor in their correct order. Sovereign. Yes. Henry vii, Henry vii, Edward vi, Mary I, Elizabeth. And that puts me in front again. Yes. Three more marks to Botany. Sure. Right. Green buckle.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

In what year? Wait a minute.

[D]

Yeah?

[A]

Botany. Yeah. Was that you? Did you answer that question? I mean, viewer. Listen, Botany. Yes? Who were the Tudor kings in their correct order? I just told you. Yes. Did you? Well, look, tell me again.

[D]

Sure.

[A]

Henry vii, Henry vii, Edward vi, Mary I, Elizabeth. Is that written up on the blackboard there anywhere? I. Well, look, have you got your book open, Bottomley?

[D]

I.

[A]

No, sir. Show me your fingernails.

[D]

Fingernails?

[A]

Yes, show them to me, go on.

[D]

What for, sir?

[A]

Have you got those kings written on your fingernails? No, sir, of course I haven't. Well, you did once before, now show me, go on. No, sir. Ah, that was you, I suppose. I mean, did you say Henry vii? Henry vii, etc.

[D]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

Ah, well. Well, that's very good. And Bottomley once more goes to the front. I'll say Bottomley has six marks. Would you like me autograph? Yes, I wonder if you'd. No, look, don't spoil it, Botany. Of course I don't want your autograph, you idiot.

[C]

They saw what was autographed.

[A]

Mean. Look, you'd never credit that a person could have as few brains as you've got and still live. Stanford. No, autograph simply means your name and you should have known that. My name's not autographed.

[D]

Isn't it?

[C]

No, it's Stanford.

[A]

Stanford?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Yes what?

[D]

Yes. What a poor memory you've got for facing.

[A]

Yes, haven't I?

[D]

Yes. Green.

[A]

But look, do you want me to give you the stick?

[D]

No.

[A]

Well, stop being insolent or I will. I didn't say your name was autographed, Stanford. What I meant was when you write your name, you write your autograph.

[C]

Why, sir?

[A]

Why? Because that is your autograph. What is your name?

[D]

Ah. Would you like my green bottle?

[A]

Yes. I wouldn't. No, listen, I'll kid you. Listen, will you boys stop behaving like a lot of monkeys and let me get on with this examination? Right. Well, now, whose turn is it?

[D]

I had the last one. It's mine.

[A]

Oh, yes, Bottomy told us. The king. Yes, sir. Yes. Which was a little surprising. But I don't suppose that is on the blackboard. No. Well, I can't see it. No, sir, I didn't read it off the blackboard. No. And it's not written on your fingernails. And you didn't have your book over it. No, sir, no. No.

[D]

But he hasn't even got a book.

[A]

No. Haven't you? Oh, sir, sake. I haven't even got a book. I lost it about three weeks ago. Oh, I see. Well, well, you. You should be more careful. Yeah, but, but just a minute, Botany. How could you learn those kings as well as you did if you haven't got a book? Now go on, tell me that. He borrowed my book, sir. Oh, yeah. Did you?

[D]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

Oh, I see. Yes.

[D]

The book he's got under the desk here has got Stanford's diamond.

[A]

Show me.

[D]

Give me that book. The choir.

[A]

Stop that talking and bottling.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And so you had Stanford's book open under the desk, did you? Well. Ah, well, at last I've caught you. You're about to receive the biggest thrashing of your life. That was your swan song, Bottomley. You've gone a bit too far this time. And as far as I. As far as your insolence and disobedience is concerned, well, it's just good night.

[D]

Good night.

[A]

Yes, Bottomley.

[D]

You mean good morning.

[A]

I do not mean good morning. Good morning, sir. Good morning, boys. I mean good night. Yeah, why? But if we go.

[D]

No. Come back here.

[A]

Come on.

[D]

Look at that.

[A]

Oh, just you white. Just you white. Oh. What you eating?

[E]

The new banana split cookie from AM PM Oh. Freshly baked with real butter with banana, chocolate and strawberry flavor.

[A]

Wow, that sounds amazing. Can I have a bite?

[E]

I'm sorry, but no.

[A]

But you can't split the banana split. Not even a little.

[E]

Not even a crumb.

[D]

What if.

[A]

No, please.

[E]

Mine. When it's too legit to split. That's Cravens. Get a three pack for 99 cents with our app AMPM. Too much. Good stuff. Plus tax where applicable. Prices and participation may vary in terms of conditions apply.