Your Radio Almanac - 1944-01-26 - #1 - guest Groucho Marx

Summary

Podcast Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Your Radio Almanac - 1944-01-26 - #1 - Guest Groucho Marx
Release Date: January 31, 2025
Host: Orson Welles
Guest: Groucho Marx

---

Introduction to "Your Radio Almanac"

In the inaugural episode of "Your Radio Almanac," Orson Welles welcomes listeners to a dynamic new series designed to encapsulate the diverse and entertaining content typical of traditional almanacs. The show opens with Welles sharing a mix of whimsical and historical tidbits relevant to January 26, 1944.

Notable Quote:
Orson Welles [00:06]: "An almanac you remember usually has at least a little bit of just about everything. Well, that's us mostly."

He highlights the day's significance by mentioning the new moon, notable historical events—such as the British settling Australia 156 years prior—and fictional references like Dick Tracy's kidnapping by Flat Top, setting a playful tone for the episode.

---

Censorship and Script Adjustments

Shortly after the introduction, Mr. Trivers, the show's censor, interrupts to address concerns about content appropriateness. This interaction underscores the balance between creative freedom and regulatory standards of the time.

Notable Quote:
Mr. Trivers [01:17]: "We've told you a dozen times, Mr. Wells, that there's some things you can't do in radio."

The discussion includes critiques of previous episodes' content and current script elements, such as suggestive references to caterpillars "necking" and the portrayal of love at first sight. Orson Welles humorously defends creative choices while agreeing to modify contentious segments.

Notable Quote:
Orson Welles [05:27]: "What do you mean? You know very well, Mr. Wells, that when you put a sweater in this store, you were thinking of only one person."

---

Sponsor Integration and Satirical Advertisements

A significant portion of the episode satirizes traditional radio advertising, particularly through the portrayal of the sponsor Mobile Oil and Mobile Gas. Orson Welles mocks the stereotypical overly enthusiastic announcers by contrasting them with Ray Collins, who embodies a more reserved and genuine approach.

Notable Quote:
Orson Welles [09:10]: "We don't have an announcer like that. We have a fellow. His name is Ray Collins."

The segment lampoons the exaggerated claims often made in advertisements, blending seamlessly with the show's comedic elements. This satire serves both as entertainment and a subtle critique of commercial influences on radio programming.

---

Groucho Marx's Comedic Interlude

Groucho Marx makes a memorable guest appearance, engaging in a witty and rapid-fire exchange with Orson Welles. Their banter touches on various humorous topics, including Groucho's fictional ventures into film production and legal affairs, as well as playful jabs at each other's personas.

Notable Quote:
Groucho Marx [13:13]: "Well, did you know, Orson, that Yesterday was the 150th birthday of Robert Bur and after writing poetry for all these years, he winds up in Van Buren, Arkansas playing a bazooka."

This segment highlights the sharp comedic timing and chemistry between prominent entertainment figures of the era, adding a layer of humor and unpredictability to the program.

---

Musical Performance Featuring "Martha Stewart"

A fictionalized version of Martha Stewart performs a romantic song, adding a melodic interlude to the episode's diverse content. Orson Welles interjects with humorous commentary, further blending music with the show's satirical narrative.

Notable Quote:
Martha Stewart [20:08]: "Each time I cling to your kiss... Love me forever and make all my dreams come true."

Orson Welles [20:11]: "What you've just heard is the title of what you're going to hear does not constitute an endorsement of old Dr. Wells."

The interplay between the musical performance and Welles' remarks exemplifies the show's ability to intertwine different forms of entertainment seamlessly.

---

Historical and Philosophical Almanac Entries

A core component of the episode involves the presentation of historical facts and philosophical musings relevant to the contemporary context of 1944. Orson Welles and Ray Collins delve into significant dates, anniversaries, and quotations, providing listeners with informative and thought-provoking content.

Notable Quote:
Ray Collins [23:54]: "Thomas Paine wrote the words you've just heard. They apply very well to this year of Grace, 1944."

The discussion includes reflections on liberty, perseverance, and the societal impacts of ongoing global events, grounding the episode in both education and timely relevance.

---

Conclusion and Upcoming Features

As the episode draws to a close, Orson Welles and Ray Collins wrap up with closing remarks that tie together the show's various elements. They tease future guests, including the esteemed Robert Benchley, ensuring listeners remain engaged and anticipating upcoming content.

Notable Quote:
Orson Welles [28:29]: "The distinguished lecturer, author, and World Authority, Mr. Robert Benchley."

The final moments reinforce the show's commitment to delivering a blend of humor, information, and entertainment, staying true to the essence of the Golden Age of Radio.

---

Key Takeaways

• Blend of Comedy and Information: The episode masterfully interweaves humor with educational content, characteristic of the era's radio programming.

• Satirical Edge: Through exchanges between Orson Welles, Groucho Marx, and other characters, the show offers a satirical take on censorship and commercial advertising.

• Guest Dynamics: Groucho Marx's guest spot exemplifies the engaging and spontaneous interactions that captivated listeners of old-time radio.

• Cultural Relevance: By incorporating historical events and philosophical reflections, the show remains grounded in its 1944 setting, offering listeners both entertainment and context.

---

This comprehensive summary captures the essence and key elements of the "Your Radio Almanac" episode featuring Groucho Marx, providing both detailed insights and notable highlights for listeners unfamiliar with the original broadcast.

Transcript

[Orson Welles]

Good evening. This is Orson Welles just saying hello.

[Ray Collins]

Before the show starts.

[Orson Welles]

We hope this finds you well and leaves you better. This is your radio Almanac, the first of a new series, an almanac you remember usually has at least a little bit of just about everything. Well, that's us mostly. We want your almanac to be fun for you.

[Ray Collins]

Real fun for all of you, wherever you are.

[Orson Welles]

This is January 26th, Saint Polycop's Day.

[Ray Collins]

And the eve of the feast of Saint Chrysostom.

[Orson Welles]

There was a new moon yesterday morning at 8:33, at 4 degrees Aquarius. Our astrology department says for me to tell all you Aquarians who were born this week that you're in for a very active year. They want me to say that everything looks pretty good for you. 156 years ago today, the British settled Australia. I mention these things because they belong in an almanac. And here's another interesting item. Three weeks ago today, exactly Dick Tracy was kidnapped by flat top. Homely philosophy and nuggets of wisdom come later, along with Groucho Marx. January 26th, our time, 1944 is the date Groucho Marx appears on this show at the sign of the flying red horse. I beg your pardon?

[Mr. Trivers]

I said.

[Orson Welles]

It'S very pretty, but what does it mean?

[Mr. Trivers]

Well, it means we just can't tolerate this sort of thing. You see, I'm from upstairs. My name is Mr. Trivers.

[Groucho Marx]

Trivers?

[Orson Welles]

Oh yes, the censor, the sensor, better known as vice president in charge of. That's dirty. What's on your mind, Mr. Trivers?

[Mr. Trivers]

We've told you a dozen times, Mr. Wells, that there's some things you can't do in radio.

[Orson Welles]

Why? What have I done?

[Mr. Trivers]

What have you done? Last week in your love scenes, you were breathing heavy again.

[Ray Collins]

I was?

[Mr. Trivers]

Yes, sir. You embarrassed the whole Middle west.

[Orson Welles]

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Trivers. It won't happen again.

[Mr. Trivers]

Won't happen again? Look what you're doing now. You got red horses flying around in here.

[Orson Welles]

Now, Mr. Trivers, you can't do that. The flying red horse is symbolic. It's our signature. It opens the program.

[Ray Collins]

Let me show you.

[Orson Welles]

The makers of mobile oil and mobile gas, with their compliments, invite you to join us. Invite you to join us. If you're not careful, Mr. Trivers, you're going to wear out your. Invite you to join us at the sign of the flying red horse.

[Groucho Marx]

Tonight and every week at the same time over the same station, the makers of mobile gas and mobile oil bring you awesome wells.

[Orson Welles]

Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and Gentlemen, this particular new moon is a total eclipse of the sun. But despite the conjunction with the moon's south node, despite the conjunction with the moon's south node and its opposition to Pluto, which give vent to the foregoing luminaries, the whole concept. Very good aspect, Mr. Wells.

[Ms. Grimmet]

Immediately after this broadcast, you're to proceed to the lobby of the Wilter Fish Market, which is having its grand premiere. You will remove your shoes and at 11:55, imprints of your feet will be preserved for posterity in the fresh cement. There's just one other matter. I have to fill out these forms for Social Security. Now, the name is Orson Wells. And what is your occupation?

[Orson Welles]

I'm a dispenser of wit and humor. I bring smiles to people's faces. I make the whole world laugh.

[Ms. Grimmet]

Mm. Unemployed.

[Orson Welles]

You can say that again. Might I inquire, miss? Might I inquire, miss, who you are and what you're doing here?

[Ms. Grimmet]

Well, they sent me over. I'm Ms. Grimmet, your new secretary.

[Orson Welles]

I don't need a secretary. Who sent you over?

[Ms. Grimmet]

Your sponsor.

[Ray Collins]

Oh.

[Orson Welles]

Oh, well, pull up a knee and sit down. I guess I could use just one more little secretary. Now, on with the show. Did you know, ladies and gentlemen, that the average family in the United States consists of three and a half persons?

[Ms. Grimmet]

Oh, isn't that kind of messy, having a half a person around the house?

[Orson Welles]

I'd rather you didn't interrupt, Ms. Grimit. This is a radio program.

[Ms. Grimmet]

Well, you'd better look over your script first. I've made a few changes.

[Orson Welles]

You've made a few changes? Yes.

[Ms. Grimmet]

You plan to make it. Your is your first guest star, Cordell Hall?

[Orson Welles]

Yes. I thought I'd start with the secretary of state and sort of build from there. Great idea, isn't it?

[Ms. Grimmet]

No, I've canceled Cordell Hall. We can replace him with Frank Sinatra.

[Orson Welles]

I'm sorry, that's out of the question. That's out of the question. We couldn't possibly use Frank Sinatra on this program. These microphones have no handles. Got enough to do without picking him up. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the next item on your radio almanac is the a little philosophical playlet. A drama. A censor again. What's on your mind this time, Mr. Trivers?

[Mr. Trivers]

Oh, these fellows upstairs. We've just been studying your script. Now, this drama you got on for the night, you can't do that on the air.

[Orson Welles]

Why not? Oh, Mr. Wells, what is wrong with the Love Life of a Gypsy Moth?

[Mr. Trivers]

Why. Why, the sound effects alone are censorable.

[Ray Collins]

What sound Effect.

[Mr. Trivers]

Well, take this one. You got indicated right here.

[Ray Collins]

See?

[Mr. Trivers]

Sound of two caterpillars necking. That's got to come out.

[Orson Welles]

But why? What a wonderful thing. I say, just imagine if you will, two caterpillars necking.

[Ray Collins]

Listen to them. There's a pause and we hear nothing.

[Orson Welles]

See, caterpillars being so soft and silky, they don't make a sound when they're necking.

[Mr. Trivers]

That's what I mean. Much too suggestive.

[Orson Welles]

Well now, what's suggestive about us? These caterpillars aren't making a sound.

[Mr. Trivers]

That's just it. They're being very sneaky about it.

[Orson Welles]

All right, we'll cut the caterpillars. We'll use sea lions. You don't have a fish in your pocket. Any other complaints?

[Mr. Trivers]

Yes. Scene three. The one about love at first sight.

[Orson Welles]

Love at first sight?

[Mr. Trivers]

That's gotta come out.

[Orson Welles]

Which scene is that?

[Mr. Trivers]

Well, it's this one here. See where the Morse flies into the closet and sees a sweater.

[Orson Welles]

Well, it's a charming scene.

[Ray Collins]

What's wrong with this?

[Mr. Trivers]

Oh, come now, Mr. Wells. Whose sweater did you really have in mind?

[Orson Welles]

What do you mean?

[Mr. Trivers]

You know very well, Mr. Wells, that when you put a sweater in this store, you were thinking of only one person. And I don't mean John's other wife. I'm afraid, Mr. Wells, I'll have to.

[Orson Welles]

Cut the whole script. Ladies and gentlemen, if you will send a stamped self addressed envelope together with.

[Ray Collins]

Two feathers from the wings of the.

[Orson Welles]

Flying red horse and 25 cents to cover handling and mailing, I will send you the censor.

[Ms. Grimmet]

Mr. Wells, I think you ought to mention that was Lud Druskin's orchestra playing. I know that, you know.

[Orson Welles]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was what she said it was. Thank you, Ms. Grummet. I don't know about almanacs, but in every radio show long about this point, a charming fellow walks up to the microphone, beats you over the head with a commercial. You heard him. Says, folks, have you tried Perkins pickles today? Why not? Don't you know that Perkins pickles are tangy? Haven't you heard that Perkins pickles are cram full of squishy goodness? Friends, Perkins pickles are scientifically grown to contain 108 warts per pickle. If Perkins finds a pickle with 107 warts, he throws it away. And remember, Perkins pickles spelled backwards reads Selkip Snickrip.

[Ray Collins]

We.

[Orson Welles]

We don't have an announcer like that. We have a fellow. His name is Ray Collins.

[Ray Collins]

By a coincidence, very Nice boy, unquote.

[Orson Welles]

Reserved, very reluctant to talk about the product. So let's all give him a nice round of applause. Here he is, Ray Collins.

[Groucho Marx]

Hello.

[Orson Welles]

See what I mean, Ray? Isn't there something you'd like to say.

[Ray Collins]

To these lovely people?

[Orson Welles]

No, he wouldn't last long with Perkins pickles. Ray, there must be something you want.

[Ray Collins]

To say to them.

[Groucho Marx]

Yes, there is something I'd like to say, but don't you think it's a.

[Ray Collins]

Bit late for him?

[Groucho Marx]

Not at all.

[Ray Collins]

It's time for you to go right ahead.

[Groucho Marx]

Happy New Year, everybody.

[Orson Welles]

Well, that's very sweet of you, Ray, but I was thinking of something else. Have you done any writing lately?

[Groucho Marx]

Oh, sure.

[Orson Welles]

Well, tell the folks about it.

[Groucho Marx]

Oh, they would be interested in my bicycle.

[Orson Welles]

Your bicycle is not what I'm talking about. Ray, you drive a car, don't you?

[Groucho Marx]

Oh, sure.

[Orson Welles]

Well, how do you make it go?

[Groucho Marx]

Why, I turn on the ignition. Well, just what are you getting at, Orson?

[Orson Welles]

I. I don't want to be obvious about this, Ray, but when you drive a car and you want to get plenty from your ration coupons, you just. Oh, you mean mobile gas. That's it. America's favorite gas, right?

[Groucho Marx]

Oh, well, sure, Watson. When it's miles that matter, people say mobile gas. Mobile gas is crammed, just crammed full of miles. All the miles it's possible to give you under wartime measures. Oh, sure, other gasolines are good, but all I know is, in wartime, as in peacetime, mobile gas remains America's favorite, and 20 million drivers can't be crazy. Why, it looks like love the way your engine and this master gasoline team up together. The qualities of mobile gas are outstanding with respect to mileage and power. The two things that count most today on your speedometer mark the miles you get from every gallon. And is there anything that you want more from gasoline today than mileage?

[Orson Welles]

I think I can say without fear of contradictionary that what we want is mileage.

[Groucho Marx]

Mobile gas. Dr. Wells. Mobile gas. Friends, stop in at the sign of the flying red horse. Get your miles worth from your gasoline coupons with mobile gas.

[Orson Welles]

Thank you very much, Ray. Ladies and gentlemen, there's just one thing I'd like to add. We don't make any exorbitant claims for our product. We're all. We're all adults. I don't think any of us are taken in by some types of advertising. However, mobile gas does contain vitamin A. No other gasoline can make that statement. I beg your pardon. Pardon me, folks. I just found out we can't make it either. We continue now, ladies and gentlemen, with old Dr. Wells almanac and joke book depressing information department in the islands of Hawaii. And this is true. There is a law dating back to King Kamehameha which prohibits lovemaking on the public highways. Encouraging information department. Powdered glass is not poisonous. Mystery writers, please note. Powdered glass is not poisonous. Old Dr. Wells, however, doesn't recommend its use as a substitute for powdered sugar.

[Groucho Marx]

We interrupt this program, ladies and gentlemen, to bring an interruption.

[Orson Welles]

Groucho. Mark. Well, well, well, Groucho.

[Groucho Marx]

Thank you not to interrupt my interruptions. Wells. So this is the new Austin Welles program. And you're the new Orson Welles. Well, you don't look new to me. In fact, if I ever saw a used Orson Welles, you're it.

[Orson Welles]

You're partially correct, Groucho. This is a new program, the Orson Welles Almanac. Oh, it is?

[Groucho Marx]

Well, did you know, Orson, that Yesterday was the 150th birthday of Robert Bur and after writing poetry for all these years, he winds up in Van Buren, Arkansas playing a bazooka.

[Orson Welles]

Did you know, Groucho, that Professor Unger Dunger of the Harvard University Sociology Department has just turned in a PhD thesis proving that most people would be better off if they hadn't been born?

[Groucho Marx]

Yes, but that seldom happens to anybody.

[Orson Welles]

Groucho, tell me, what are you doing here?

[Groucho Marx]

Your sponsor sent me over.

[Orson Welles]

Oh, you know my sponsor?

[Groucho Marx]

Do I know your sponsor? He's over at my house every night drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer. Had to wait for the second page for that. How do you think you got hired?

[Orson Welles]

Well, gee, I thought he drank nothing but mobile gas. Now that you're here, Groucho, perhaps you can help me with a problem. Where am I going to live? Out here in California?

[Groucho Marx]

Why don't you come and stay with me in Beverly Hills?

[Orson Welles]

You're joking. What sort of a neighborhood is it?

[Groucho Marx]

Judge for yourself. On one side of me lives Betty.

[Orson Welles]

Grable, who lives on the other side?

[Groucho Marx]

Who cares?

[Orson Welles]

I take it you're fond of Betty Grable.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, I. I lean towards that type.

[Orson Welles]

You do?

[Groucho Marx]

Yeah, I lean towards it. But Harry James keeps pushing me away to get back to you, Orson. And something I'm not crazy about. You'll be crazy about my place. All modern improvements, gas lighting, inner door, mousetraps and a pot bellied stove in every room. That is every room except mine. We couldn't get a pot bellied stove for my room, so we hired Sydney Greenstreet to stand in the corner.

[Orson Welles]

Miles, I don't know. Do you think I'd be comfortable there?

[Groucho Marx]

Why, you'll be as comfortable as a bug in a rug. And we got some of those, too.

[Orson Welles]

I'm afraid I couldn't impose on you, Grouchy. You see, I left my ration book in New York. What?

[Groucho Marx]

If you haven't got a ration book, I'll take care of you. What's the best food in the world?

Milk.

Where does milk come from? Cows. What do cows eat? Grass. You can eat grass, too. And who knows? No, it's impossible. So you see, you'll be. You see, you'll be very happy at my place.

[Orson Welles]

I'm sorry, Groucho. I'm afraid it's out of the question. Especially if I couldn't get anything to eat.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, you can't have everything. Look at Solomon. With a thousand y's, do you think he had everything? Well, maybe he did. My luck, I had to think of Solomon just now.

[Orson Welles]

Suppose I did move in, Groucho. What would you charge me?

[Groucho Marx]

Money. You speak to me of filthy legal letters. Only a cad would take money from a friend.

[Orson Welles]

I'm glad to hear you say that, Groucho. Shake hands with a friend.

[Groucho Marx]

Shake hands with a cab. Would 500amonth be too much?

[Orson Welles]

Oh, come now, Groucho. Money isn't everything. Can money bring you happiness?

[Groucho Marx]

No, but I like to have it around so I can choose the type of misery that's most agreeable to me.

[Ms. Grimmet]

I Beg your pardon, Mr. Wells. I have a message for a Mr. Mark.

[Groucho Marx]

I'll take it. He's a friend of mine. In fact, we used to know each other. He was a great guy when I had it. What's the message?

[Ms. Grimmet]

There's a milkman outside, he wants his horse back.

[Groucho Marx]

Tell him he'll have it back the first thing Friday morning. As soon as I get back from my ranch.

[Orson Welles]

You a rancher?

[Groucho Marx]

Why, only this morning they sent me 600 head of cattle.

[Orson Welles]

Jerseys or Holsteins?

[Groucho Marx]

I don't know. They only sent their heads. I think they were the heads. Now, looky here. Now looky here, Prairie flower.

[Ms. Grimmet]

Take your hands off me.

[Groucho Marx]

Don't get excited. I'm just trying to trace my 600 sides of beef.

[Orson Welles]

Ms. Grimet, certainly you recognize Groucho Marx.

[Ray Collins]

Indeed.

[Ms. Grimmet]

You know, Mr. Marks, I can hardly wait for your program to come on the air every Saturday night. So I usually don't.

[Groucho Marx]

We're going to get along gloriously, Ms. Grimet. Couldn't we steal away somewhere together after the program, just you and me.

[Ms. Grimmet]

Put me down.

[Groucho Marx]

Quiet. You want to get into pictures? Oh, you can't fight it, Ms. Grimm, and it's bigger than we are. Can't you see us sitting on a park bench, you and me? No moon, no stars, just a beam from a policeman's flashlight.

[Ms. Grimmet]

Well, did you ever for me?

[Groucho Marx]

Once or twice, orphan. Who is this woman?

[Orson Welles]

My secretary.

[Groucho Marx]

Come, come, Orson. Secretary indeed. You can fool me once and you can fool me twice, but you can't fool me all the time. Remember, I'm some of the people. Now come clean, Wells. Do you or do you not want to get into pictures?

[Orson Welles]

Put me down.

[Groucho Marx]

Oh, pardon me, Austin. I always wanted to pick you up.

[Orson Welles]

So you're a producer now?

[Groucho Marx]

Certainly. I'll. Shall I draw up the contract?

[Orson Welles]

Oh, you're a lawyer too?

[Groucho Marx]

Yes, and you'll have a contract as soon as we can get hold of another lawyer.

[Orson Welles]

If you're a lawyer, Groucho, why don't you handle it yourself?

[Groucho Marx]

I don't fool around with you, I said. Now the first thing we do is to give you a big publicity build up. Monday you get lost in the desert. Tuesday we send Hedy Lamar out to look for you. Wednesday I go out to look for Hedy Lamar, and Saturday.

[Orson Welles]

Wait a minute. What happened to Thursday and Friday?

[Groucho Marx]

I found Hedy Lamar and. Don't interrupt. Can't you see if you want to be alone. All right, Austin, there's your contract. The party of the first part, hereinafter referred to as Orson Welles, agrees to appear in seven pictures the first year, 12 pictures the second year, and 18 pictures the third year. Wells, you're fired. Fired?

What for?

You're making too many pictures. The puppy gets sick of you. Miss Grimet, my cloak. And Austin put to a pair of shoes on the flying red horse. I'm getting out of here. Goodbye, everybody.

[Orson Welles]

What happened, Groucho?

[Groucho Marx]

Silly horse. I told him he couldn't wear wedgies.

It says here I'm next.

[Orson Welles]

Go right ahead, Raymond.

[Groucho Marx]

Thanks.

[Ray Collins]

That's all right.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, sir, I. I like good round figures myself, don't you, gentlemen?

[Orson Welles]

Oh, you old devil.

[Groucho Marx]

Well, especially, I might say, when they're revealing.

[Orson Welles]

Well?

[Groucho Marx]

Well, These figures are. 70% of all the cars on the road today are from 5 to 10 years old. 70%. New cars will be scarce for a long time after the war's end. Folks, you've got to take care of your car. That means frequent oil change and that means mobile oil. Perhaps you think because you're making shorter trips at lower speeds, you didn't change your oil so often on the Contrary, under these conditions, oil is apt to get dirty quicker. That encourages burnt bearings, worn out cylinder walls and wasted gasoline. So change oil frequently and change for good to good fresh Mobil oil. It helps your car run better longer. Drive in at the sign of the flying red horse for Mobil Oil.

[Orson Welles]

Department of interesting statistics Mobil Oil is.

[Ray Collins]

The world's largest selling oil.

[Orson Welles]

Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to hear from one of old Dr. Wells favorite songbirds and one who looks just as.

[Ray Collins]

Good as she sounds.

[Orson Welles]

You're going to agree that that's quite something. Her name is Martha Stewart.

[Ray Collins]

Ms. Martha, tell the folks what you're.

[Orson Welles]

Going to think for them.

[Martha Stewart]

That's a name mucho that means kiss me a lot.

[Orson Welles]

Ladies and gentlemen, what you've just heard is the title of what you're going to hear does not constitute an endorsement of old Dr. Wells.

[Martha Stewart]

Each time I cling to your kiss.

[Orson Welles]

I hear music Defined.

[Groucho Marx]

Bets are memo.

[Martha Stewart]

Call me my darling and say that you'll always be mine this joy is sunk my arms enfolding you Never knew this real before whoever thought I'd be holding you close to me Whispering it's you I adore Spirit one, if you should leave me life put me through and you know you time Whoever thought I'd be holding you close to me Never knew this thrill before whoever thought I behold and you close to me whispering if you I adore Dearest one, if you should leave me each little wing would take dreams and my life.

[Orson Welles]

Would be true.

[Martha Stewart]

Love me forever and make all my dreams come true.

[Orson Welles]

By the way, the president will be 62 years old. Sunday. Happy birthday, Mr. President. Here's my dime. Sunday is also the seventh anniversary of.

[Ray Collins]

Hitler's repudiation of the Versailles Treaty.

[Orson Welles]

And five years ago today, the Loyalists.

[Ray Collins]

Surrendered Barcelona to Franco.

[Orson Welles]

You know, just about the longest, loudest.

[Ray Collins]

Argument in our United States history has to do with states rights.

[Orson Welles]

I saw the word states rights in the headlines this morning. And 114 years ago today, Daniel Webster stood up on the floor of the.

[Ray Collins]

Senate and spoke for that other sentiment. You all remember how it goes. Most of us had to learn it in school. That other sentiment dear to every true American heart. Liberty and union, now and forever, one and inseparable. While we're on the subject of liberty, particularly eloquence on the subject of liberty, let's celebrate Thomas Paine's birthday two days early by reading a few lines of his lines written in 1776. I call not upon a few, but upon all. Not on this state or that state. But on every state up and help us. Lay your shoulders to the wheel. Better have too much force than too little. When so great an object is at stake, it matters not where you live or what rank of life you hold. The evil or the blessing will reach you all the far and the near, the home countries and the back. The rich and the poor will suffer or rejoice alike. The heart that feels not now is dead. The blood of his children will curse his cowardice. Who shrinks back at a time when a little might have saved the whole and made them happy. By perseverance and fortitude we have the prospect of a glorious issue. By cowardice and submission. The sad choice of a variety of evils. A ragged country, a depopulated city. Habitations without safety and slavery without hope. Look on this picture and weep over it. If there yet remains one thoughtless wretch who believes it not, let him suffer it unlamented. Where was there ever a war on which a world was staked till now? Thomas Paine wrote the words you've just heard. They apply very well to this year of Grace, 1944.

[Orson Welles]

I think.

[Ray Collins]

They apply very well to the fourth war. Lone Drive. I leave it to you now it's time to say good night. And please, if you've enjoyed this program, let us know about it. And more important, if there's anything you like or you think you'd like changed. Brightest care of the station where your dial will find us next week at this same place on your clock. The makers of Mobile Oil and Mobile Gas. Agnes Moorhead, Martha Stewart, Ray Collins, Lud Gluskin. All of us in the Mercury Theater want this show to be exactly according to your specifications of a good time. Until then, ladies and gentlemen, I remain, as always obediently yours.

[Groucho Marx]

Your car on the home front is as vital to victory as a long tom field gun on the battlefield. Keep it rolling with expert care at the sign of the flying red horse.

[Orson Welles]

Ladies and gentlemen, they want me to make an announcement which it seems I forgot all about. So I'm going to ad libet.

[Ray Collins]

You'll excuse me.

[Orson Welles]

It won't take a second.

[Ray Collins]

But I think we've got just a second.

[Orson Welles]

We have a guest next week and.

[Ray Collins]

I forgot to tell you that we have one.

[Orson Welles]

And he's an old friend of ours.

[Ray Collins]

A very distinguished lecturer. A world authority on undersea life. Treasurer's report and other curiosa of the American scene. I know you'll be as happy as to hear about this gentleman. As I am to be able to announce he is coming with us. The distinguished lecturer, author and World Authority, Mr. Robert Benchley.

[Orson Welles]

Groucho Marx appeared through the courtesy of the Pabst Brewing Company.

[Groucho Marx]

Martha Stewart and Ray Collins appeared through.

[Orson Welles]

The courtesy of Metro Gold from Mayer Studios. From producers of the current hit Madame Curie.

[Groucho Marx]

This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.