Harold's Old Time Radio – "Your Radio Almanac" (1944-02-16, #4)

Guest: Robert Benchley
Date of Original Broadcast: February 16, 1944
Re-broadcast by Harold’s Old Time Radio: October 27, 2025

Overview

This episode of "Your Radio Almanac," hosted by Orson Welles, is a blend of musical performances, comedic sketches, wry historical insights, and clever banter. The special guest is humorist and actor Robert Benchley, whose trademark wit and deadpan delivery elevate the show’s playful, irreverent spirit. Along with topical jokes, lighthearted housewife tips, and tongue-in-cheek astrology, the episode’s highlights include Benchley’s satirical lecture on Eskimos and a medley of mock-psychological interviews. The episode both lampoons and celebrates American culture at wartime, all delivered in the fast-paced, ensemble-driven style of the era’s radio variety shows.

Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Pseudo-Advertisements & Housewife Humor

• (00:00-01:25) The show opens lampooning detergent and household tips, offering advice like "boiling vinegar will remove the odor of cigar smoke. There is nothing that will remove the odor of boiling vinegar" (01:12, F & G).
• Brief astrology spoof: “If you were born this week, your ruling planets are Saturn and Uranus.” (00:36, D)

2. Orson Welles’ Almanac: Odd Facts and Birthdays

• (02:09-02:28) Various historical tidbits juxtaposed:
  • Galileo’s scientific achievements vs. Jimmy Durante’s contributions, “February 18th is the birthday of Jimmy Durante, who introduced umbriago.” (02:13, B)
  • “The tango is not the national dance of Argentina. And here's a curious coincidence. Mr. Robert Benchley.” (02:20, B)

3. Banter with Robert Benchley: Cinema & Swooning Fans

• (02:37-06:08)
  • Benchley riffs on his slapstick short films:
    “This one is called ‘How to open a horse’s mouth with your right hand and count his teeth in such a way he doesn’t close his mouth and count your fingers.’” (02:57, H)
    • Welles: “Sounds interesting. How did it turn out, Bob?” (03:05)
    • Benchley: “Oh, well, just call me Lefty.” (03:08)
  • Discussion of recent films: Joan Fontaine’s "Jane Eyre" and “Lady in the Dark”.
  • Mock rivalry and fan adulation: “Oh, Wellsie, we just saw Jane Eyre…Say it again. Say what you said to Joan Fontaine.” (05:04, A & F)
  • Benchley: “There’s a big heart drawn on the side of this building. It says, Orson Welles, I love you. Sign Orson Welles.” (05:50, H)

4. Mock-Psychological Interview Skit

• (06:23-09:28)
  • A precocious "child" quizzes Orson Welles about astronomy, makes fun of radio errors, and psychoanalyzes Welles:
    • “As 10 millions of circles can never make a square, so the united voice of myriads cannot lend the smallest foundation to falsehood.” (07:05, F)
  • Welles recounts a faux love story from infancy: “She looked at me and said, goo. She was the intellectual type. It was madness.” (08:51, B)
  • Punchline twist: “That little girl grew up to be Slapsy Maxi Rosenblum.” (09:28, B)

5. Satirical Lecture: "The Eskimo" by Robert Benchley

• (12:25-16:04)
  • Delivered in deadpan style, with invented or exaggerated “facts”:
    • “The typical Eskimo has good teeth, but owing to the character of his diet, worn down to the gums, which he massages vigorously three times a day…” (12:35, H)
    • “A native drink known as ookla…two parts whale blubber, one part fermented wolf livers…a dash of Uncle Jed’s horse, and a teaspoonful of vanilla. Ookla, scientists believe, is what accounts for the aurora borealis.” (12:48, H)
    • “The Eskimo subsists mostly on fish and a native drink known as ookla…” (13:01, H)
    • Absurd “literature”: “One of the many books published is entitled Etoi go l' etique n' a guine mar mique tout sar univac. This, of course, is some of the lighter reading.” (15:09, H)
  • Humorous corrections and banter follow, with another “child” character critiquing Benchley’s faux-linguistics.

6. Benchley’s Own Mock-Psychological Interview

• (17:06-18:49)
  • Recaps his fictional childhood:
    • “I was born in Worcester, Massachusetts. I weighed three and a half pounds.” (17:41, H)
    • “I was left on somebody’s doorstep.” — “How old were you at the time?” — “28.” (18:03-18:07, H & E)
  • Diagnosed as schizophrenic (played for laughs):
    • “Mr. Benchley, you are suffering from schizophrenia.” (18:30, F)
    • “Does he mean that I have a split personality?” — “Yes. You’re really two persons in one.” — “Well, that settles it. You’ll have to pay me as a team.” (18:42-18:47, H & B)

7. Kay Thompson’s Musical Performance: “Yes Indeed”

• (19:17-21:38)
  • Energetic gospel song, “You will shout when it hits you, yes, indeed…” accompanied by lively ensemble (19:21+, G)

8. Orson Welles Reads Archibald MacLeish’s Poem

• (23:17-28:39)
  • Epic recitation backing up American pluralism, stitched with state-by-state interjections.
  • Notable quote:
    • “We marry the Irish girls with the shoes and the quick come after. We marry the Spaniards with the evening eyes. We marry the English with the tiptoe faces. We marry the golden Swedes, the black Italians, the German girls, the Mexicans… I gather we're bad blood. We're mixed people…” (24:50-25:50, C & B)
    • “The pure blood's by the Rhine… The blood we left behind us when we left. The blood afraid of travel... the blood afraid of changes... the blood afraid of strangers...” (26:57+, C & B)
  • The poem champions diversity and resilience in wartime America.

9. Closing & Next Week’s Teaser

• (28:39-29:56)
  • “Please join us next week. Till then, all of us in the Mercury Theater remain, as always, obediently yours.” (28:39, B)
  • Guest announcement: “Betty Hutton.” (29:17, E)
  • Final words of comfort:
    • “I've lost everything. And he said, I'm so poor now that I really can't afford to let anything worry me. Now just remember that, with which poor Orson's Almanac says good night to you again.” (29:26, B)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Robert Benchley, on slapstick shorts:
  “How to open a horse’s mouth with your right hand and count his teeth in such a way he doesn’t close his mouth and count your fingers.” (02:57)
• On radio heartthrobs:
  “There’s a big heart drawn on the side of this building. It says, Orson Welles, I love you. Sign Orson Welles.” (05:50)
• Benchley's faux-Eskimo lecture:
  “Ookla, scientists believe, is what accounts for the aurora borealis.” (12:58)
• On American pluralism (from MacLeish’s poem):
  “We marry the Irish girls with the shoes and the quick come after… I gather we’re bad blood. We're mixed people...” (24:50-25:50)
• On not letting worry get you down:
  “I'm so poor now that I really can't afford to let anything worry me.” (29:26)

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 00:00-01:25: Parody detergent ad & Astrology humor
• 02:09-02:28: Almanac/birthday riffing
• 02:37-06:08: Benchley banter, film quips, and swooning fan club antics
• 06:23-09:28: Mock-psychoanalysis & Welles’ faux love story
• 12:25-16:04: Benchley’s Eskimo lecture
• 17:06-18:49: Benchley’s own mock-analysis
• 19:17-21:38: Kay Thompson’s “Yes Indeed”
• 23:17-28:39: Welles recites Archibald MacLeish’s poem
• 28:39-29:56: Farewell, teaser, and final words

Tone and Style

The episode sparkles with dry wit, rapid-fire repartee, and affectionate mockery. Orson Welles’ commanding, charming presence is matched by Benchley’s self-deprecating humor. The content swings from zany to poignant in the era’s inimitable variety style—mixing parody, social commentary, and music.