Your Radio Almanac - 1944-02-16 - #4 - guest Robert Benchley

Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Summary: Your Radio Almanac - 1944-02-16 - #4 - Guest Robert Benchley
Release Date: August 12, 2025

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Introduction

In this engaging episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, hosted by the charming Orson Welles, listeners are treated to a delightful mix of humor, satire, and insightful commentary from the Golden Age of Radio. The episode features the illustrious guest, Robert Benchley, a renowned humorist known for his witty observations and comedic prowess. Together with co-host Kay Thompson and a spirited young boy, the trio navigates through a series of entertaining segments that captivate and amuse the audience.

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Astrology and Interesting Facts

The show kicks off with a playful exchange about astrology. Orson Welles humorously introduces the astrology segment, prompting Robert Benchley to deliver a tongue-in-cheek horoscope:

Robert Benchley [00:05]: "If you were born this week, your ruling planets are Saturn and Uranus. Uranus stands for liberty and equality."
Kay Thompson [00:14]: "Congratulations."

This light-hearted banter sets the tone for the episode, blending humor with faux-seriousness. Following the astrology bit, Professor Frugelheiser shares a series of amusing "interesting facts" that playfully debunk common misconceptions:

Professor Frugelheiser [00:21]: "There is no soda in soda water. There is no buffalo on the buffalo niggle. The Klondike is not in Alaska. Bees do not get honey from flowers."

These facts are delivered with a straight face, enhancing the comedic effect and eliciting laughter from both the hosts and the audience.

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Helpful Hints and Historical Notes

Orson Welles transitions smoothly into a segment offering "helpful hints for the housewife," featuring absurd and humorous advice:

Young Boy [00:42]: "Boiling vinegar will remove the odor of cigar smoke."
Prudence Kraft [00:45]: "There is nothing that will remove the odor of boiling vinegar."

The juxtaposition of genuine intent with nonsensical solutions underscores the show's comedic charm. Shortly after, Dr. Cruett (played by Robert Benchley) shares a quirky historical note:

Bob [00:58]: "Silk stockings were first worn by Henry II of France in 1547."
Orson Welles [01:04]: "Nylon stockings were last seen on a lady in Toledo in 1943. We bid you welcome, ladies and gentlemen."

Benchley's dry delivery and the humorous twist on historical facts add depth to the episode's comedic layers.

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Cinema Commentary and Comedic Interactions

A lively discussion ensues about the contemporary film Jane Eyre, featuring playful jabs at Hollywood:

Orson Welles [02:50]: "There's a great picture that's around with Joan Fontaine in it. It's called something air. Oh, air mail. No, Jane Eyre."
Bob [03:07]: "Oh, that's it. That's it. I saw you."

The exchange continues with mutual teasing about film critiques, showcasing the chemistry between Welles and Benchley:

Bob [03:25]: "Well, to begin with, as I was coming into the theater, I almost tripped over three girls who had just swooned."
Orson Welles [03:30]: "Oh, that happens all the time."

Their banter highlights the show's ability to blend humor with topical commentary, keeping listeners both entertained and informed.

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Robert Benchley's Lecture on Eskimos

One of the episode's highlights is Robert Benchley's extended, humorous lecture on Eskimos. Presented in his signature satirical style, Benchley delves into the intricacies of Eskimo life with exaggerated seriousness:

Bob [11:55]: "My subject tonight is the Eskimo. I say tonight and advisedly because to some Eskimos the night will last six months. I sincerely hope to finish my lecture before then."

Benchley's inventive terminology and playful descriptions paint a vivid, comedic picture:

Bob [12:14]: "The Eskimo or Eskimarcs, which is the plural spelled P L U R A."
Orson Welles [12:32]: "The."
Bob [12:33]: "Typical Eskimo has good teeth, but owing to the character of his diet, worn down to the gums, which he massages vigorously three times a day."

The lecture continues with a mock-serious exploration of Eskimo culture, complete with fabricated details and humorous references to fictitious books and practices. This segment showcases Benchley's talent for blending satire with mock academia, offering both laughs and a playful critique of scholarly lectures.

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Poetic Interlude

Adding a touch of literary flair, Orson Welles introduces a poem by Archibald McLeish, lovingly recited by Robert Benchley. The poem is a whimsical take on regional dialects and cultural identities across various U.S. states:

Robert Benchley [22:24]:
"There's talk, says Illinois. Is there, says Iowa.
There's talk on the east wind, says Illinois.
Talk about what? Says Dakota, Says Kansas, says Arkansas..."

Benchley's rhythmic delivery and the poem's playful structure enhance its comedic and nostalgic appeal, transporting listeners back to a time when radio was a primary medium for entertainment and culture.

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Psychological Playfulness and Humor

The episode takes an unexpected turn when the young boy, portrayed as an eager and precocious character, engages Robert Benchley in a mock psychological session. This interaction blurs the lines between comedy and performative introspection:

Young Boy [07:03]: "Is something troubling you? Girls, perhaps?"

Bob [07:09]: "Oh, just what one girl says."

The ensuing dialogue playfully explores themes of self-perception and humorously diagnoses Welles with "schizophrenia," leading to further comedic exchanges:

Young Boy [07:29]: "Hmm. Hallucinations. Well, I think I have enough data to make her diagnosis. Mr. Benchley, you are suffering from schizophrenia."

Bob [07:46]: "Well, that settles it. You'll have to pay me as a team."

This segment underscores the show's ability to incorporate diverse comedic styles, from satire to character-driven humor.

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Closing Remarks and Future Teasers

As the episode draws to a close, Orson Welles and Robert Benchley offer final humorous reflections and teasers for upcoming shows. The playful exchange continues with Welles introducing future guests and humorous sign-offs, maintaining the lighthearted and engaging atmosphere that defines the program.

Orson Welles [28:16]: "And I know you all like her. Ladies and gentlemen, our time's about up. But if any of you ever happen to be a little low in cash, here's a word of comfort from Joe Jefferson..."

The episode concludes with a mix of humor and anticipation, leaving listeners eager for the next installment featuring Betty Hutton.

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Notable Quotes

• Robert Benchley [00:21]: "There is no soda in soda water."
• Young Boy [07:03]: "Is something troubling you? Girls, perhaps?"
• Bob [11:55]: "My subject tonight is the Eskimo. I say tonight and advisedly because to some Eskimos the night will last six months."
• Robert Benchley [22:24]: "There's talk, says Illinois. Is there, says Iowa..."

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Conclusion

This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio masterfully blends humor, satire, and engaging dialogue, anchored by the dynamic performances of Orson Welles and Robert Benchley. Through witty exchanges, playful lectures, and literary interludes, the show captures the essence of the Golden Age of Radio, offering listeners a nostalgic yet timeless experience. Whether delving into mock astrology, humorous historical facts, or Benchley's entertaining Eskimo lecture, the episode stands as a testament to the enduring appeal of classic radio comedy.

Transcript

[Orson Welles]

Our astrology department says this is the dark of the moon. What says our astrology department?

[Robert Benchley]

If you were born this week, your ruling planets are Saturn and Uranus. Uranus stands for liberty and equality.

[Kay Thompson]

Congratulations.

[Orson Welles]

And now, our authority on Interesting facts, Mr. Frugelheiser.

[Professor Frugelheiser]

Thank you, Herr Dr. Wells. There is no soda in soda water. There is no buffalo on the buffalo niggle. The Klondike is not in Alaska. Bees do not get honey from flowers.

[Orson Welles]

And now, a helpful hint for the housewife.

[Young Boy]

Boiling vinegar will remove the odor of cigar smoke.

[Prudence Kraft]

There is nothing that will remove the odor of boiling vinegar.

[Orson Welles]

Thank you, Prudence kraft. And now, Dr. Cruett.

[Bob]

Historical note. Silk stockings were first worn by Henry II of France in 1547.

[Orson Welles]

Nylon stockings were last seen on a lady in Toledo in 1943. We bid you welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

[Kay Thompson]

To the sign of the Flying Red Horse. Tonight and every week at this same time, over these same stations, the makers of Mobile G and Mobil Oil bring you Orson Welles.

[Orson Welles]

Ladies and gentlemen, February 15th was the anniversary of the birthday of Galileo, who introduced the law of the pendulum and who also introduced the telescope and many of the principles of astronomy. February 18th is the birthday of Jimmy Durante, who introduced Umbriago. The tango is not the national dance of Argentina. And here's a curious coincidence, Mr. Robert Benchley.

[Bob]

So it is.

[Orson Welles]

That's you, and you say thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

[Bob]

I did say thank you.

[Orson Welles]

You did?

[Kay Thompson]

Really?

[Orson Welles]

I beg your pardon. That's me, then. And it isn't funny either. I understand you've just complete. Hello, Bob. You better start it again. Hello.

[Bob]

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

[Orson Welles]

I understand you've just completed a new short in your how to series. Yes.

[Bob]

This one is called how to open a horse's mouth with your right hand and count his teeth in such a way he doesn't close his mouth and count your fingers.

[Orson Welles]

Sounds interesting. How did it turn out, Bob?

[Bob]

Oh, well, just call me Lefty.

[Orson Welles]

I must. I must remember to see that. Bob, you know, there's been a lot of good entertainment lately. Have you seen. Have you seen lady in the Dark?

[Bob]

No. Lately I haven't been doing what? Oh, the picture.

[Kay Thompson]

No, I haven't.

[Orson Welles]

There's a great picture that's around with Joan Fontaine in it. It's called something air. Oh, air mail. No, Jane Eyre.

[Bob]

Oh, that's it. That's it. I saw you.

[Orson Welles]

That was me. How'd you like the picture? Well, I say, how did you like the picture, Bob? Mr. Benchley, I don't like the tone of What? You're not saying?

[Bob]

Well, to begin with, as I was coming into the theater, I almost tripped over three girls who had just swooned.

[Orson Welles]

Oh, that happens all the time.

[Bob]

They shouldn't bring those pictures of Frank Sinatra into the lobby.

[Orson Welles]

Oh, now, wait. Wait till you see my next picture. Bob, imagine, if you will, a boy and a girl on a terrace. Her lustrous eyes shining with unwanted brilliancy. Her pearly teeth. This is a scene.

[Robert Benchley]

Really? Really.

[Orson Welles]

Listen to this. Her pearly teeth glistening in the moonlight and her heaving chest rising and falling to the sensuous tones of Merzy Do.

[Bob]

I don't want to brag, Auston, but I'm probably as romantic as you are.

[Orson Welles]

You.

[Bob]

Don'T laugh at my jokes too much. People will say we're in love.

[Orson Welles]

Well, I've lost my place, Bob. What's the next line?

[Robert Benchley]

Broke me up on it.

[Orson Welles]

Excuse me, Bob. Yes? I hate to interrupt. What did I interrupt? I promised an interview.

[Bob]

A laugh you didn't expect.

[Orson Welles]

I promised an interview to the Orson Welles Swoon Club. Come on in, girls.

[Prudence Kraft]

Oh, Wellsie, we just saw Jane Eyre.

[Young Boy]

Oh, Wellsie. Say it again. Say what? You said to Joan Fontaine.

[Orson Welles]

Well, you mean.

[Robert Benchley]

Darling, I dare not hope for your love.

[Bob]

I don't understand this swooning. A guy says, darling, I dare not hope for your love.

[Orson Welles]

Bob, what are you shrieking about?

[Bob]

You're standing on my foot.

[Young Boy]

Oh, we forgot to tell you Wealthy. We got three new members from Glendale.

[Orson Welles]

Oh, now, look, girls, let's not allow this thing to get out of control. It would be very embarrassing if the lipstick campaign got started. You know those hearts drawn on the sides of buildings that say, frankie loves Fanny Spiewak?

[Bob]

You know, I'm afraid it started already. There's a big heart drawn on the side of this building. It says, orson Welles, I love you. Sign Orson Welles.

[Orson Welles]

Girls, where are you going?

[Young Boy]

Oh, we gotta rush. We just got time to catch the.

[Prudence Kraft]

Late show of Jane Eyre.

[Orson Welles]

Save my seat. And now, now it's time. Now it's time for Mr. Benchley's lecture. Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to present Mr. You pardon, Mr. Wells, I give you at this.

[Young Boy]

Forgive this unseemly intrusion, but earlier this evening, did you make the statement that Galileo was famous for having discovered many of the principles of astronomy?

[Orson Welles]

Yes.

[Young Boy]

You wish to retract it?

[Orson Welles]

Well, no, I don't think so, Mr. Wells.

[Young Boy]

It's almost as ludicrous as the error made by Archimedes when he said, the locus of all points equidistant from a system of transcendental curves is to be found in the confluence of their respective vortices.

[Orson Welles]

How old are you, my boy?

[Young Boy]

9.

[Orson Welles]

Getting late for little fellow son. Ladies and gentlemen, at this point, in.

[Young Boy]

The words of the sage, as ten millions of circles can never make a square, so the united voice of myriads cannot lend the smallest foundation to falsehood.

[Orson Welles]

Oh, yes, that was Copernicus on prevarication.

[Young Boy]

No, Kupperman on the Quiz Kids. But that isn't what I came here for. I've been listening to you on the air.

[Orson Welles]

Thank you.

[Young Boy]

You know, Mr. Wells, I've been dabbling in psychology, and I think I can help you. Is something troubling you? Girls, perhaps?

[Orson Welles]

Well.

[Young Boy]

Oh, I see. Fair. Complex. Your particular concern is what girls say about you.

[Orson Welles]

Oh, just what one girl says.

[Young Boy]

Aha. Who is she?

[Kay Thompson]

Hedda hopper.

[Young Boy]

Come, come, Mr. Wells. I'm trying to give you a little guidance. Tell me something about your childhood.

[Orson Welles]

My childhood? Oh, I don't wanna.

[Young Boy]

Come, come, come.

[Orson Welles]

No, I don't wanna. Well, there's nothing to tell. I was a perfectly normal baby. At 4 months of age, I started to walk.

[Young Boy]

You walked at four months of age? How did you do it?

[Orson Welles]

A pretty nurse strolled past my crib and I followed her.

[Prudence Kraft]

Mm.

[Young Boy]

Hyperactivity. The pituitary?

[Orson Welles]

No, she had an average build.

[Young Boy]

Please. Now, one more thing. Have you ever been in love?

[Robert Benchley]

Have I ever been in love, my boy, who have inadvertently touched upon the great tragedy of my life.

[Orson Welles]

It all began in the little hospital where I was born. In the next crib, to me was a little baby girl. A little girl who was to change.

[Robert Benchley]

The whole course of my life.

[Orson Welles]

She looked over at me through the bars of a crib, and in her eyes there was an inexpressible something. Something she was trying to say to me. And then she did say it to me. She looked at me and said, goo. She was the intellectual type. It was madness. I wanted to give her my fraternity pin, but I didn't have a fraternity pin. So I gave her the only pin I had. After that. After that, I remained undercover. I can't continue.

[Young Boy]

Oh, please don't try. Mr. Wells, did you ever see her again?

[Orson Welles]

Many times. But I never dared speak.

[Robert Benchley]

Never dared to tell of my love.

[Young Boy]

Why not?

[Orson Welles]

The vagaries of chance. The cruelties of fate. An error made by a careless intern and poof. Your dreams turn to ashes.

[Young Boy]

What do you mean, son?

[Orson Welles]

That little girl grew up to be Slapsy Maxi Rosenblum.

[Robert Benchley]

Sam.

[Kay Thompson]

That was Lud Gluskin's Version of Cole Porter's new song, I love you. And this is Old Dr. Wells Almanac and joke book. Ladies and gentlemen. Any more curious items, Professor Frugelheiser?

[Professor Frugelheiser]

Oh, yes, Mr. Martha. At the sign of the flying red horse, you will find the larger selling motor oil on earth.

[Bob]

Mobile oil.

[Robert Benchley]

Mobile oil.

[Kay Thompson]

That's right. And here's the thing about Mobil oil. No oil can guard your engine better against sludge and harmful deposits.

[Robert Benchley]

Go right.

[Kay Thompson]

No oil will battle more to keep your engine clean.

[Professor Frugelheiser]

Absolutely. Please go on, Mr. Maza.

[Kay Thompson]

Well, I'm steering you straight, folks. Change oil frequently and change to good, fresh mobile oil. You see, you're driving at slower speed today. You're making shorter trips.

[Professor Frugelheiser]

And what is the result?

[Kay Thompson]

Your oil dilutes and dirties faster. And you know that can waste gasoline. And it'll mean a sluggish motor and big repair bills.

[Orson Welles]

Zoom.

[Kay Thompson]

70% of all the cars on the road today are from 5 to 10 years old. And new buggies will be scarce till long after peace is here. So take care of your car. Have your crankcase filled up full and frequently with world famous Mobil oil. Your friendly mobile gas dealer wants to see your car run better long.

[Orson Welles]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you'll be very interested in our next speaker, the eminent authority E.N.E.K.I.M.O. love, Mr. Robert Benchley.

[Bob]

Thank you, Eskimo lovers. My subject tonight is the Eskimo. I say tonight and advisedly because to some Eskimos the night will last six months. I sincerely hope to finish my lecture before then. The Eskimo or Eskimarcs, which is the plural spelled P L U R A.

[Robert Benchley]

L.

[Bob]

Is seldom found around the equator. My authority for this statement is J.C. funk, who says, quote, plural is spelled P L U R A L.

[Orson Welles]

The.

[Bob]

Typical Eskimo has good teeth, but owing to the character of his diet, worn down to the gums, which he massages vigorously three times a day. The Eskimo suit or outer garment consists of two layers of skins, one with the hair outside and one with the hair inside. The Eskimo consists of one layer of skin with the hair outside. The skin of the Eskimo's face has a bacony feel. My authority for this statement is C T. Coutts, who has spent a great many years feeling Eskimo faces. The Eskimo is a sharp trader, often getting as much as a can of Sterno and two bottles of Pepsi Cola for one of his wives. The Eskimo subsist mostly on fish and a native drink Known as ukla, ookla is two part whale blubber, one part fermented wolf livers, a jigger of dried walrus tusk, a dash of Uncle Jed's horse liniment, a pony of Uncle Jed's horse, and and a teaspoonful of vanilla. Ookla, scientists believe, is what accounts for the aurora boreal. When the Eskimo is ready to hunt, he takes his kayak or canoe, his parka or hunting spear, and his lakdwat, which is a sort of small puna. The Eskimo uses small, sharp spear to catch seal, which they call ungoc. It's not known what the seal call the Eskimo. The Eskimo has a primitive way of fishing. Standing on the ice, he inserts a hacksaw and proceeds to saw a circle around him. When the circle is completed, he climbs out and retires to his igloo to dry off. He soon returns and lowers a hook through the hole in the ice. Then he sits on the ice for three or four hours to await development. After cooling his heels sufficiently, he pulls up the string and decides to bait the hook. By this time, the hole is frozen over. He walks to the nearest A and P and ponies up 12 points for a can of salmon. Contrary to popular belief, the Eskimo is quite literate. One of the many books published is entitled Etoi go l' utique n' agligu' in mar mique tu sar un y vac. This, of course, is some of the lighter reading. There is also a sequel to Akwa gogituk nalle gun mar mictusa un de kaak, which is called oompk on leaving an igloo. An Eskimo may remark univarag and to an American, lakduat no puna, which translated means lakduat no puna. This, of course, is a liberal translation.

[Young Boy]

Let's retract that statement.

[Bob]

Well, hello, little man. Lost your mother, have you?

[Young Boy]

You realize, of course, that you've made an error. In fact, do you wish to retract it?

[Bob]

Well, I'd be glad to if I could remember what I said.

[Young Boy]

You said, I'm leaving an igloo and eskimore mi mark ungivarakik. Now, actually, ungivarakik is an archaic form used only by the Amnaki, Ashimik, or Takunaka Papunuk tribes.

[Orson Welles]

Mm.

[Robert Benchley]

That's my boy.

[Orson Welles]

Who said that?

[Young Boy]

Really, sir, you mustn't be so uncertain of yourself. You seem to be a bundle of inhibitions and complexes. Perhaps I can help you. What is your name, please?

[Bob]

My name is Robert Benchley. I'm 54 years old and I'm a student at the Bamboo Room with the Brown Derby.

[Young Boy]

Mr. Benchley, I may be of assistance to you. I've dabbled in psychology. Now, tell me about your childhood.

[Bob]

What do you want to know?

[Young Boy]

Oh, just start talking. I'll take notes.

[Bob]

Well, I was born in Worcester, Massachusetts. I weighed three and a half pounds.

[Orson Welles]

I'm surprised the game warden let him keep you.

[Bob]

And I grew rapidly. And at the age of three months.

[Young Boy]

Yes? What happened?

[Bob]

Oh, nothing. I was too young. Well, the next thing I remember, I was left on somebody's doorstep.

[Young Boy]

Oh, that's unfortunate. How old were you at the time?

[Kay Thompson]

Mm, 28.

[Orson Welles]

It was a very large basket.

[Young Boy]

I want abtrums, please.

[Orson Welles]

As indeed it still is.

[Young Boy]

Benchley. Spentchley. Do you ever worry?

[Bob]

Only about girls?

[Young Boy]

Worries about girls? Fear complex.

[Bob]

Well, but before I meet them, I usually say to myself, what have you got to worry about, Benchley? You've got everything. Brains, talent, looks.

[Young Boy]

Hmm. Hallucinations. Well, I think I have enough data to make her diagnosis. Mr. Benchley, you are suffering from schizophrenia.

[Orson Welles]

Oh, he's definitely a skeeze.

[Bob]

Austin, do you. Does he mean that I have a split personality?

[Orson Welles]

Yes. You're really two persons in one.

[Bob]

Well, that settles it. You'll have to pay me as a team.

[Prudence Kraft]

Yeah, but.

[Orson Welles]

Ladies. Ladies and gentlemen, we have such authorities as Mr. Irving Berlin, Mr. Jerome Kern, Mr. Cole Porter, and yes, Mr. Orson Welles to attest to the fact that the real, genuine, number one stylist of them all still is and remains the lady who confronts you now, Ms. Kay Thompson.

[Prudence Kraft]

Oh, you will shout when it hits you yes, indeed. You will shout when it hits you yes, indeed. When the spirit moves you and when it behooves shout shout hallelujah. Yes, indeed when the spirit moves you and when it behooves you to shout shout hallelujah yes, indeed when the spirit moves you and when it behooves you to shout shout hallelujah. Yes, indeed. The Lord once said there was a great day coming and there's no doubt about it that the Lord was right the Lord once said you gotta climb the golden sky on the judgment day and there's no doubt about it that the Lord was right the judgment day, the judgment day there's gonna be a lot of people talking about an awful lot of angels flying there's gonna be a lot of people shouting shouting bout the judgment day so put on your Sunday Suit with a big brass buttons Put on your Sunday suit with a big brass buttons It's a big dress up affair Better put a ribbon in your hair for a great day show is coming, coming Hallelujah. Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah yes, yes, indeed. Yes, indeed when you get that feeling you're gonna shout yes indeed when the spirit moves you and it behooves you to shout Hallelujah yes, indeed oh, you will shout when it hits you yes, indeed Shout when it hits you yes, indeed when the spirit moves you and it behooves you to shout Shout Hallelujah. Shout hallelujah yes, indeed.

[Bob]

Folks, before rationing.

[Kay Thompson]

You bought gasoline not just for mileage, but for quick response and smooth riding on the open highway and over the highest hill. Today, well, times have changed. What you pay for, what you pray for are the miles alone. Gotta get mileage, that's your motto. And you'll get it in the gasoline called mobile Gas. Mobile gas is packed with every wartime mile it's possible to give you. It makes your coupons really count. There's no mystery to Mobile Gas. Its qualities are blended with a Master Touch that's all 1944 mobile gas gives you all the mileage that you got from peacetime mobile gas. Do you drive to the plant every morning? Do you drive to town for necessary shopping? Do you drive a truck then drive with mobile gas? Every gallon is war engineered for distance Made to give you mile after mile after mile. Prove it in traffic, Prove it on the highway and come in and get it at the sign of the flying red horse. America's favorite gasoline Mobile Gas.

[Orson Welles]

And now I'm going to read you a poem by Archibald McLeish.

[Robert Benchley]

There's talk, says Illinois. Is there, says Iowa. There's talk on the east wind, says Illinois. Talk about what? Says Dakota, Says Kansas, says Arkansas. Can't make out too far east, says Michigan. East of the roosters, says Indiana. East of the morning crows, says Ohio. East says York State east still says Connecticut on east. It's down east from here, says Massachusetts. It's east of the quad, says Maine. But I hear it. Hear what? Says Texas. What can you hear? Says Virginia. Can't be sure, says Maine. Surf on the reefs. Ice pounding away on the pans and Penobscott. Listen, says Oregon. Scoop your ear, says Kentucky. Can't tell, says Maine. Too much fog. Bells on the old orchard horns at a gunquit. Listen, says Mississippi. Try to, says Texas. Tall talk, says Maine. It's tall talking. Collett Says Arkansas. It's mean talk, says Maine. Mean about what? Says Nebraska. Mean about us. What about us? Says Kentucky, says Texas, says Idaho. Gather they don't like us says Maine. Do tell, says Connecticut. I vum, says New Hampshire. Gather we've low ways, says Maine. That's so, says Kansas. Take my seat says Michigan. It's how we marry, says Maine. We ain't choosers seems we scrabble them up and we mingle em in. We marry the Irish girls with the shoes and the quick come after. We marry the Spaniards with the evening eyes. We marry the English with the tiptoe faces. We marry the golden swedes, the black Italians, the German girls, the Mexicans, the Chileanas for luck, the Jews for remembrance the Scots girls, the French with the skillful fingers, the long loves. I gather we marry too many says Maine. Too various. I gather we're bad blood. We're mixed people and what they say says Texas. That's what they're saying what's in their soup says Arkansas. What they've been eating what's in their hair, says Marilyn. Aren't they men? Can't they make it with the strangers? Says Alabama. Are they shy, says Missouri.

[Bob]

Or what?

[Robert Benchley]

Says Montana. I gather the bread pure, says Maine. They're superior people.

[Orson Welles]

Have they seen our kids?

[Bob]

Says York State.

[Robert Benchley]

The tall girls, the way they walk on the world with their narrow heels you can tell them anywhere. Tell them in any country. The height of their heads, the tilt of their heels when they walk.

[Orson Welles]

Have they raced our boys?

[Robert Benchley]

Says Michigan. Fast as black snakes. Have they beaten them? I gather they haven't, says Maine.

[Orson Welles]

I gather we're mixed bloods.

[Robert Benchley]

They don't take to us, don't they? Says Kansas. Have they seen our towns, seen our wheat, Seen our flat cars in the Rocky Mountains? Seen our four lane highways, Seen our plains, the big timber, the tall corn, the horses?

[Orson Welles]

Have they seen our farm? Says Kansas.

[Robert Benchley]

And who plowed them? Have they seen our towns? Says Kansas. And who planned them? Have they seen our men? Says Kansas.

[Orson Welles]

Gather.

[Robert Benchley]

Not gather, we're bad blood, says Maine. Who says Missouri. Who's this saying? Where from?

[Orson Welles]

Says Montana.

[Robert Benchley]

Where's he from? Where from? Who says? Can't make out. Way east. East of the Rhine. It might be the wind veers, says Maine. I don't make out east of the Rhine. So that's it, says Montana. The pure blood's by the Rhine, says Carolina. The blood we left behind us says Wisconsin. The blood we left behind us when we left. The blood afraid of travel, says Nevada. The blood afraid of changes says Kentucky the blood afraid of strangers says Vermont Strange stars and strange women, the two of them the blood that never hankered For a strange one A dark one says Dakota with strange hair Stayed home and married their kin, says Missouri Married their cousins who look like their mothers says Michigan so that's all east of the Rhine, says Wisconsin so that's all, says Arkansas all for that all for the purebred boys afraid of strangers Surf on the reef, says Maine Ice on Penobscot and there's talk, says Iowa Talk says Illinois Bells on the old orchard bells at a gunquit Clash of corn in the wind, says Illinois.

[Orson Welles]

Now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to say good night now. Please join us next week. Till then, all of us in the Mercury Theater remain, as always, obediently yours.

[Kay Thompson]

The makers of Mobile Gas and Mobile Oil invite you to listen in next week, same time, same station, to your radio almanac. Mr. Wells guest is Betty Hutton.

[Orson Welles]

That's right. That's right. And I know you all like her. Ladies and gentlemen, our time's about up. But if any of you ever happen to be a little low in cash, here's a word of comfort from Joe Jefferson, the actor who made Rip Van Winkle famous on the stage and was born 115 years ago Sunday. Like most of us actors, he was often flat broke. And here's what he said about it. I've lost everything. And he said, I'm so poor now that I really can't afford to let anything worry me. Just remember that. With which poor Orson's Almanac says good night to you again.

[Kay Thompson]

Robert Fencley appeared tonight for the courtesy of Paramount Pictures, whose current release is lady in the Dark. And Kate Thompson appeared to the courtesy of Metropolitan Mayor, producers of Madame Curie colloquy for the states to publish the Atlantic Continent. Jack Mather speaking. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System.