Highest Self Podcast®

Episode 589: How To Have A Spicy Love That Lasts Forever with Sex Expert Dr. Cheryl Fraser

Host: Sahara Rose
Guest: Dr. Cheryl Fraser
Date: February 11, 2025

Episode Overview

In this vibrant and deeply insightful episode, Sahara Rose welcomes acclaimed sex and relationship expert Dr. Cheryl Fraser to explore the secrets of sustaining passion in long-term relationships. They dig into the intersections between spirituality and sexuality, feminine embodiment, and the challenges faced by women seeking soulful connections today. With warmth, wit, and lived wisdom, Dr. Cheryl and Sahara break down why passion fades, how to reignite it, and the spiritual journey embedded within intimate partnership.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Roots of Passion & Why It Fades (14:09, 25:51)

• The Passion Triangle: Dr. Cheryl introduces her “three keys to passion”—Intimacy, Thrill, Sensuality (14:09).
  • Intimacy: Deep conversations, vulnerability, conflict resolution—"the blood and guts" of relationships.
  • Thrill: The newness, anticipation, mystery, effort and excitement from dating/falling in love that fades over time.
  • Sensuality: Beyond sex; includes all touch, play, and physical connection—“from stroking your partner's palm to showering together.”
• Routine and Complacency: After the "newness" phase, passion drops due to complacency, lack of novelty, and shifting priorities.
• Cultural Soulmate Myth: Dr. Cheryl challenges the idea of soulmates as harmful:

  “That shit… is so damaging when people say, ‘I found my soulmate.’ I say, good luck with that. I hope you have found a complex, imperfect, fascinating, flawed, amazing human being who's got the guts and blood and willingness to try to walk the path of long term love with you. Because that's freaking romantic.” — Dr. Cheryl Fraser (29:41)

• Biochemistry’s Role: The initial high of falling in love is driven by hormones (oxytocin, dopamine, etc.), which naturally fade; recognizing this allows us to consciously choose to reignite spark.

2. Spirituality, Dharma, and Relationship as Paths (7:07, 34:15)

• Integrating Sexuality and Spirit: Dr. Cheryl weaves Buddhist Dharma with sexuality—moving from “Buddha to the bedroom.”
  • Her training led her from a clinical psych background (noting the lack of sexuality teaching in therapy), through Indian meditation retreats, to the central question: how do we live spiritually and have an amazing secular life with love and passion?
• Karmic Connections: Discussing soul contracts and whether relationships are predestined.

  “Certainly there can be a karmic connection, certainly there can be some unfinished business or new business or this person is there where we can grow and co-create something together. It doesn't mean we need to be together forever.” — Dr. Cheryl Fraser (34:15)

• Stealth Dharma: Relatable, science-backed discourse is the “gateway drug to awakening.” Even teachings on sex are always grounded in deeper spiritual wisdom.
• The Spiritual Path of Partnership: Both agree that long-term love is itself the ultimate spiritual practice and growth opportunity.

3. Modern Dating Challenges & Gender Polarity (39:29, 41:35)

• Scarcity of Spiritual Men: Sahara expresses the frustration many women experience: “I don't find a lot of men who are deeply spiritual and monogamous... a lot of men find relationship to be a distraction, so there's the rise of the situationship.”
  • Dr. Cheryl’s advice: Don’t waste your time on men who don’t want depth. “If it's empowering to you to explore with some delight casual sexuality, fine. But if your genitals are connected to your heart and mind—like mine—hold out for depth.”
• Long-Term Relationships as a Crucible: Dr. Cheryl relays her teacher’s wisdom:

  “If you think you’re enlightened, try to walk the path of long-term love.” (41:35)

  • Growth, shadow work, and ego triggers are inevitable and necessary parts of partnership.
• Dating in Midlife: Dr. Cheryl shares her own journey: after believing she was “happily solo” and reporting on internet dating for an article, she met her now husband—showing life’s unpredictability and the value of staying open.

4. Healing Roles, Feminine-Masculine Polarity, and “Mothering” (59:08, 60:36)

• Healing vs. Partnering: Many women attract men who seek healing over partnership, risking a mentor-student dynamic.

  “And it's also generally very bad for the feminine energy, masculine energy, sexual dynamic. If you're his teacher—not even officially, but you're his teacher, nurturer, guide—it’s really hard to bring that into the bedroom in a way that works.” — Dr. Cheryl Fraser (59:15)

• Unwinding the ‘Mother Role’: Practical steps:
  • Recognize over-controlling tendencies.
  • Step back, allow the partner space to lead and “do it their way.”
  • “If your partner wants to do it a certain way, step back... love the perfectly imperfect person standing in front of you.” (60:36)

5. Reviving Passion: Practical Strategies (65:29, 65:37)

• Scheduling Sensuality: Dr. Cheryl advocates for scheduled “sensual dates” to create intentional space for connection.

  “I really want everybody to start scheduling sex, to put it on the calendar. And then of course the tomatoes come and the cries of that’s not very romantic. But you know, it's not romantic never having sex!” (65:37)

• Normalize ‘Responsive’ Desire:
  • Two types of desire:
    1. Spontaneous desire—the kind we crave, often at the start.
    2. Responsive desire—arises from choosing connection, especially in long-term partnerships (from researcher Rosemary Basson).

  “The majority of long-term couples start making love from a place of sexual neutrality. What does that mean? Neither is remotely turned on.” (65:37)

• Make Love a Hobby: Apply the logic of hobbies: prioritize, make time, bring curiosity, try new things.
• Mindful Sensual Practice:
  • Slow down and focus on pleasure without goal orientation.
  • “There’s an entire turn on from toes to crown chakra to be explored—and people get lazy and complacent.” (22:34)

6. True Devotion & Lifetime Love (Story: Grandparents) (76:55)

• Norm & Evie's Story: Dr. Cheryl shares the moving story of her grandparents’ lifelong love—a model of light, respect, deep sensual connection, and enduring thrill.

  “When my grandmother walked into the room, my granddad lit up like a Christmas tree. He was the. She was just the light of his life.” (76:55)

7. Becoming the Partner You Seek (87:07)

• Self-Reflection:

  “Would you date you, the way you are now? ...How can you become a great partner? A lot of us can get very selfish in looking for someone who lights us up. Can we focus on how we light them up? Maybe 60/40?”

• Longing as Spiritual Motivation: Sahara: “That longing is inside of us for a reason… it’s really the journey of who we become.” (87:07)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Complacency:
  “You are probably, if you are in a long-term relationship, doing something called ‘Nipple, Nipple, Crotch, Goodnight.’ It’s frickin’ lazy. And when you’re making love to the same person, everyone’s circumstances are different—but speaking in broad strokes—it’s frickin’ lazy.” — Dr. Cheryl Fraser (22:34)

• On Spiritual Partnership:
  “Relationship can be a really important part of the path. Get the hell off the mountain some of the time. Get into the blood and guts of your triggers.” — Dr. Cheryl Fraser (41:35)

• On Choosing Real Love:
  “I think it's way more romantic that I choose you because there's some really cool stuff going on and I think we've got what it takes to build on that. And I'm aware that I could build on it with other people... but you're a complex person to build a lifelong love with.” — Dr. Cheryl Fraser (30:49)

• On New Models of Love:
  “It's rare and exceptional to look at a couple that have amazing long-term love. I don't want it to be rare and exceptional.” (76:55)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [05:42] Dr. Cheryl's early experiences with sexuality, shame, and entering the field.
• [14:09] Introduction of the Passion Triangle: Intimacy, Thrill, Sensuality.
• [25:51] Why sexual connection fades in long-term relationships.
• [29:41] Debunking the soulmate myth.
• [34:15] Karmic relationships and the soul’s lessons.
• [41:35] Spiritual partnership as path; advice for women seeking men aligned with depth.
• [60:36] Moving out of “mother”/healer roles in relationships; restoring polarity.
• [65:37] Scheduling sex, responsive vs. spontaneous desire, making love a hobby.
• [76:55] Story of Dr. Cheryl’s grandparents; model for lifelong passion.
• [87:07] On becoming the partner you seek.

Resource Links

• Dr. Cheryl Fraser: drcherylfraser.com
• Book: Buddha’s Bedroom
• Podcast: Sex, Love & Elephants

Conclusion

This episode offers a compassionate but no-nonsense blueprint for those seeking lasting connection—whether single, dating, or partnered. Dr. Cheryl and Sahara illuminate that maintaining a spicy, soul-aligned love isn’t a birthright or a fated advantage but a conscious, intentional spiritual path. Listeners are left with tangible practices, deep permission to seek (and be) a true partner, and the reminder that enduring love—devotional, sensual, thrilling—is as modern as it is ancient.

“Would you date you, the way you are now?” — Dr. Cheryl Fraser (87:07)

Let the answer be your entry point to the love you seek.