650: Tantric Relationship Secrets For The Deepest Intimacy Ever with Bel Litsek

Summary

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Highest Self Podcast® – Episode 650: Tantric Relationship Secrets For The Deepest Intimacy Ever with Bel Litsek

Host: Sahara Rose
Guest: Bel Litsek (Tantric Relationship Coach, Psychotherapist)
Date: April 14, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Sahara Rose sits down with Bel Litsek, a Brazilian tantric relationship coach and psychotherapist, to explore the meaning and practice of tantric intimacy in modern relationships. The conversation dives deep into practical tantric techniques for couples, emotional healing through relationships, balancing attachment styles, reigniting passion, and embracing erotic playfulness. Drawing on personal stories and professional insights, Sahara and Bel illuminate how tantra isn't just about sexuality, but rather radical acceptance, energetic connection, and honest self-expression for the deepest intimacy.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

What Is a Tantric Relationship?

• Tantra starts with self:
  "Tantra really starts with your own life, with your own perspective of the world, and you can always bring that into your relationship. But you can never start a relationship if you don't live that, if you don't have that for yourself already.” – Bel [07:12]
• Non-duality and radical acceptance:
  Relationships as spiritual paths that embrace the 'messiness' and totality of life, rather than renunciation.
  "Tantra invites you to expand your awareness into everything. And then suddenly you have to be expanding your awareness into someone else's world that is completely opposite than yours." – Bel [07:37]
• Holding dual truths:
  Referencing F. Scott Fitzgerald’s idea: the test of intelligence is “the ability to hold two opposite ideas in your mind at the same time and still have the ability to function.” [08:32]

Wounds & Vulnerability in Relationships

• Core wounds & the vulnerability cycle:
  Bel explains how partners replay family dynamics, often triggering each other’s core wounds (like not-enoughness or rejection), creating a cycle of reactive behavior. "Our intimate love relationships, they trigger our family dynamics when we were kids... You can tell their entire childhood story of how they are making their partner their parents." – Bel [09:03]
• Using wounds as erotic fuel:
  "You make love with everything that is." This means instead of hiding wounds, partners use them as material for deeper connection. For example, role-playing or embodying archetypal dynamics in a safe container. [12:09]

Practical Tantric Intimacy Techniques

Energetic Connection & Breathwork

• Yab Yum and shared breath practice:
  • Partners sit facing each other, legs wrapped around, mouths close, breathing in a shared rhythm (one exhales, the other inhales) to circulate energy through both bodies.
  • "As he breathes out, I breathe in... you create this circuit of energy through both bodies. And that can take you to wild places. That's one of the ways to have energetic orgasm.” – Bel [19:02]
  • "The sharing of breath, practice is it makes you high... And I feel like that's what tantra is, is like touching places no one else ever has." – Sahara [21:09]
• Microcosmic orbit & chakra alignment:
  This practice lines up chakras and can reveal 'blocks' or tension in the relationship, opening pathways for telepathic intimacy and communication. [21:09–22:23]

Daily Practices & Reigniting Erotic Play

• Loves, Fears, and Desires:
  From Layla Martin: Each shares three things they love, fear, and desire. This facilitates vulnerability, honesty, and depth in relationship.
  • "Truth is the greatest aphrodisiac. Like when you speak that truth and you say that thing on your heart and you lay it at the altar." – Sahara [30:49]
• Flirting & the art of the makeout:
  Playfulness—“flirting with your partner, making out with no pressure for sex”—brings back the fun and mystery of early dating. [23:18–25:59]
  • "We need to bring back the art of the makeout. Like, honestly, guys, it's like the best thing ever." – Sahara [24:47]

Sensory Rituals & Slow Intimacy

• Activating the senses:
  Erotic energy flows when lovers engage all senses—taste, smell, touch, sound, and sight.
  • "In Tantra, every sense is a goddess, and you need to nourish that goddess." – Bel [43:57]
  • Practice: Slowly stimulate each sense before sex; for example, holding essential oils to the nose, whispering love into the ear, making eye contact. [43:57–47:02]
• Anticipation & subtlety:
  Emphasizes that anticipation, gentleness, and slow touch unlock more pleasure than friction alone. [47:05–49:47]

Healing Attachments & Balancing Needs

• Freedom vs. closeness (Attachment styles):
  Partners often occupy ‘opposite’ roles (one seeks freedom, one seeks safety). Tantric practice lets each embody and explore the other's core longing, creating understanding and healing.
  • "It lets you, like, not need so much freedom anymore because you feel free. And then maybe he like..." – Sahara [14:16]
• Every avoidant is anxious, and vice versa:
  "Behind every anxious there is an avoidant, because you're being avoidant to yourself... As every avoidant is also anxious because they deep down really want love." – Bel [16:57]

Communication, Rejection, and Relationship Growth

• Radical honesty, even about difficult truths:
  Sharing major differences (e.g., wanting children or not) openly allows both partners to stay in the present and choose the relationship consciously. [33:56–34:34]
• Nonviolent, empowering requests:
  "If we want our partner to do something, they need to feel capable of doing it... There's nothing he can do with the past." – Bel on replacing criticism with requests [35:16]

Sensual Confidence & Erotic Energy in Everyday Life

• Brazilian approach to flirting:
  In Brazil, flirting is more relaxed, playful, and less tied to outcome or rejection. Bel models open, direct flirting—even with strangers—and detaches from fearing rejection. [52:33–55:07]
  • "Flirting, it's part of the fun. It's just allowing your erotic energy to flow around." – Bel [54:08]
• Trusting your ‘no’ sets you free to play:
  Many women fear flirting or sensuality because they don’t trust themselves to say no; however, embodied boundaries enable greater erotic flow. [54:08–55:07]

Men, Sex, and Motivation

• Turning him on as motivation:
  "When you do practices with me, I feel so turned on by you... That's the thing they really want. So just use that word." – Sahara [40:20]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On holding duality in relationship:
  "You're going to be face to face with duality all the time. If you're not radically honest with yourself, you're going to be living in the shadows of that relationship." – Bel [07:12]
• On the vulnerability loop:
  "There's something called the vulnerability cycle... Your reaction is gonna trigger my core right. So that's gonna... keep happening." – Bel [09:03]
• On shared breath and energetic sex:
  "We are breathing the same air... you create this circuit of energy through both bodies. And that can take you to wild places." – Bel [19:02]
• On turning on through sensual anticipation:
  "It's the yearning that gives the feeling. And the feeling is what we really want. It's not the friction, it's the feeling of it." – Sahara [47:05]
• On being the leader in love:
  "I do feel the woman often are the leaders in love... Like, be that." – Sahara [49:47]
• On Brazilian flirting culture:
  "Not everything has to turn into a relationship. Not everything have to mean something, which is... I think in Brazil, we bring this energy of, like, I can float around with my friends..." – Bel [55:07]
• On healing in connection:
  "Our healing can only happen in connection. So we need to start bringing that into our relationships." – Bel [56:06]

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Timestamps of Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------------| | 07:12 | Bel on the fundamentals of a tantric relationship | | 09:03 | Triggers, wounds, and the vulnerability cycle | | 12:09 | Bringing wounds into sexual polarity and intimacy | | 14:16 | Practices for embodying partners’ needs in lovemaking | | 19:00 | Yab Yum and shared breath explained | | 21:09 | Energetic orgasm, chakra alignment, and checking in | | 23:18 | Day-to-day tantric practices: Loves, fears, desires | | 24:47 | The importance of flirting, playfulness, and making out | | 30:49 | Speaking truth as aphrodisiac; concrete examples shared | | 33:56 | Radical honesty about difficult relationship truths | | 35:16 | Communication without criticism, empowering language | | 38:20 | Dealing with a partner who resists tantric practices | | 43:57 | Sensory activation and slowing down sexual intimacy | | 47:05 | Anticipation, subtle touch, and sensual awareness | | 49:47 | Female leadership in love and men’s openness to tantra | | 52:33 | Brazilian flirting, confidence, and handling rejection | | 54:08 | Trusting your boundaries to play with erotic energy | | 55:07 | Everyday erotic play in Brazilian culture | | 56:06 | Bel’s contact and working with couples/trauma in therapy |

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Closing Thoughts

Sahara and Bel's authentic, humorous, and nuanced conversation makes the sacred deeply practical. Listeners come away with concrete tantric practices, a reframed view on sensuality and relationships, and a reminder: true intimacy flourishes through presence, playfulness, and radical honesty—not just technique, but heart.

Find Bel Litsek: Instagram: @bellelitsek
Work with her for couples therapy and coaching.

Key takeaway:
"Our healing can only happen in connection. So we need to start bringing that into our relationships." – Bel [56:06]

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Transcript

[A]

So much of what tantric intimacy is is slowing down being with the experience. How can you resensitize your body to stay turned on when things are way slower, especially for the man, than what they're used to?

[B]

So many of men, they don't want to have sex. They want to have a release, and so many women, too. We don't want to learn to build up that energy that empowers us so much. We want to come. Tantra, every sense is a goddess, and you need to nourish that goddess.

[A]

How do you make love with this energy? What are some other practices?

[B]

Breathing together with your mouths really close to each other. One of my favorite ways is to stimulate your partner's senses, your lips and your taste, and flirting with each other, right? Just bringing in this fun energy. It doesn't mean that you necessarily want to have sex, but it just means that you can play around with this energy. And when you start doing these practices and you just allow, like, erotic energy to flow around you, stop being afraid. That is very powerful.

[A]

Welcome back to the Highest Self podcast. My name is Sahara Rose, and on this podcast, I love to talk about spirituality, love matters of the heart, but make it modern, fun, grounded, and relatable so it can actually serve your needs. So I have been on a tantric spiritual journey for over 10 years now. If you're not familiar with the word tantra, it literally means to weave. Tantra. This is an ancient Sanskrit word originating from ancient India that is all about being immersed with life. So if we think about what we consider like a spiritual path, right? Most of us think of a monk, we think of a nun, the renunciate, you know, the person who says no to romantic relationship. No two desires, no two money, and, you know, goes to a monastery or goes to a mountain. And that's what being spiritual is. And while that is a spiritual path, tantra really came to be to say that why do we think that the renunciate path is higher than the householder path? And the householder path is to be in society, to be in relationship, to have children, to work, to be with life. And there is just a different spiritual path that comes with that, which is, to me, the path of the feminine, the path to be with all of the things, the messiness of life, and to see that as our spiritual practice. And so when I was 23 years old, I was living in India at the time, and I went through a very bad breakup there. I was with an Indian person, and I had no money and was on my own. And People told me, oh, there's this. This festival called Nataraj during New Year's. And Nataraj is Lord Shiva who's dancing. And they're like, you just go. And it's like, really cheap, and you're just gonna dance for one week straight. And I was like, okay, that sounds great. And I'm down. And literally, the room, it was like maybe a hundred of us sleeping on the floor in this, like, one giant room. And all day we were dancing chakra dance, tarot dance, dynamic dance. Like dancing our emotions, dancing our expression in such a deep and profound way. And I. I had done ecstatic dance before, but I had never done it with all of this, I would say, guidance. That really made me go so deep emotionally through the dance and through the movement. And where. What I later learned was this center I went to that was called Zorba. The Buddha was created by an Osho senyasin. And it was interesting because I had seen Osho books, but I hadn't really fully dove into them. And I started reading different books of Osho and wow, Reading his books was like, this is how I've always felt deep down inside. And I'm like, reading it back to me, like, just seeing life as this dance and emotions as this fluid thing that aren't good or bad, they just are. And we get to have them move through us and have the experience of laughter, and it's overtaking us and the experience of heartbreak, and we're in it and this fluidity with everything. And I'm like, this, to me, is if there is a spiritual path, like, this is how I see it. And so that is what began the tantric path for me. And since then, I've just taken a tantric worldview. I love learning from different tantra teachers. We've had many on the podcast from, you know, more of the right hand tantric path, such as Chandrash Bhardwaj. So the more ancient traditional tantric pacts, Shaivism, Tantra, but also the left hand path, the. The sex goddesses and Neo Tantra, such as energetic lovemaking with bb so many different schools of teaching and life. And this episode isn't so much about tantra, and I will link some of the different ones. But I hadn't done an episode about tantric practices in relationship because I feel like so many of us, we say, I want a tantric relationship, and it's like, what does that actually mean? Like, I think if we're being honest, we're just waiting for Jason Momoa, like, We just want him. And, like, he'll figure it out. It'll just feel very tantric if he's there. But the thing is, we are the ones to create that tantric experience. And so I came to Brazil for Carnival, and I just, like, haven't left. I'm just starting a new life here and never coming back. So goodbye, everyone. And I made friends with this girl we, like, met at this party, and we just started talking about, like, love and heartbreak and desire and intimacy. And I think we've just hung out every day since that day. In a couple weeks, she's staying with you. We just live together now. We're just doing life together now. And so I wanted to have her here. And she is a tantric relationship coach. She's a psychotherapist. She works with couples. She actually was trained by Layla Martin, who's I've had here on the podcast and has been. We've just literally been staying up till like two in the morning every single night having just the most nuanced conversations about love that I've ever had. And I was like, we need to, like, I wish there was just a microphone with us at all times. So we need to bring it here on the podcast. And I want to shout her out because she's a Brazilian and this is her first ever interview in English. Her English is amazing, but, like, imagine doing an interview in a whole other language. Like, that is some real shit right here. So tantrica, relationship coach, psychotherapist extraordinaire. Welcome, Belle, to the Highest self podcast.

[B]

Thank you so much for having me.

[A]

Yay.

[B]

So that introduction was amazing. Yay.

[A]

Before we drop in, darling, it would mean the world to me if you would subscribe because I've noticed that over 50% of you who are watching it on. On YouTube, Spotify, are not yet subscribed. So this allows you to stay in the flow for future conversations. Maybe get a fun little British accent from me. How am I doing? And it also supports this podcast, which I love to continue to make free for you. So wherever you're listening to this, be sure to hit subscribe. And let's get into this episode. Okay. What is a tantric relationship?

[B]

I think Tantra starts as your own. So Tantra really starts with your own life, with your own perspective of the world, and you can always bring that into your relationship. But you can never start a relationship if you don't live that, if you don't have that for yourself already. So I think to me, a few concepts that I bring into my relationship that comes from the tantric traditions, for example, non duality or radical acceptance, or really like you said, different from the paths of pronunciation. Tantra invites you to expand your awareness into everything. And then suddenly you have to be expanding your awareness into someone else's world that is completely opposite than yours. And you have to hold that like the urge to say, like that is not how that happened. You got it all wrong. That's not what you said. And you have to have the ability to hold two things at the same time. Like Fitzgerald said, the, the test for a first rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposite ideas in your mind at the same time and still have the ability to function with ultimately that is holding duality. And when you are with another person, you're going to be face to face with duality all the time. Everything, it's going to come up. And if you're not radically honest with yourself, like you're going to be living in the shadows of that relationship.

[A]

We were speaking last night about how our wounds show up in relationship and how ultimately it's those wounds that also give us the greatest turn on by overcoming them. So can you share a little bit about that?

[B]

Yeah. What I find is that our intimate love relationships, they trigger our family dynamics when we were kids, just hoping to, to heal that. Right. And then when you start working with couples and looking at the dynamics, you can tell their entire childhood story of how they are making their partner their parents, or even playing out their own parents with their partners. So it will constantly be triggering us if and if we're again, if we're not honest with each other, like radically honest with each other, and if we're not able to love ourselves enough to tell us the truth, we're not going to see what is happening. So what I see is we have a couple of like core wounds. And I would say like, it's not like you have infinite core wounds that you're going to be looking at your relationship, but I would say have like two, three max. And some of those core wounds is like abandonment, rejection, injustice, not feeling enough. So little things that keep being triggered in your relationship over and over again. And you have reactions over those wounds. So there's something called the vulnerability cycle, which is you're going to trigger my core wound and I'm gonna react right? I'm gonna have a defense mechanism and my defense mechanism. It's exactly what is going to trigger your core wound and you're gonna react and your reaction is gonna trigger my core right. So that's gonna. So in my relationship, for example, one of my main wounds is wounds is not feeling enough. So whenever my partner's like, hey, I wish you would give me more love, my reaction is like, like, seriously, I make him feel too much, right? It's not me that is not enough, it's you that is too much. And that's very common like between men. Men do that to women. Like, it's not me that I'm not. You're too much. You're never satisfied. That's never good enough for you. And that makes him feel rejected. And then he reacts, needing more from me. And then I feel more not enough. And that keeps happening. So it. That. That's one of the ways that it plays out. But it has so many.

[A]

And so it's crazy because the thing that we don't want to have, we're like looking for the person to not bring out our wound, right? Or like, oh, no, I think when you're dating someone, you're like, that person's gonna bring up my attachment. Like, this person feels more safe. Like this is. And it's like, I just think we just find another wound, right? Maybe we healed a certain wound through one relationship or through our singledom after, but then it's like another layer that we're now safe enough to comes out in that relationship. And so now how do you guys make love with this energy?

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Like, you were sharing how you guys share the core wound and then you are acting it out in your sexual practice. Like, share about that. Yeah.

[B]

So I think that is a bit of how you bring tantra into your relationship, which is you make love with everything that is. And if you're in a safe enough relationship where you know you're not going to lose love or at least you're not going to lose love for yourself, is not like, I'm not gonna self abandon if this person doesn't love me anymore because I am showing up that shadow. You can play around with that, right? So there was one time that I was talking to my partner and then I was like, I am manipulating you.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And then I just saw it happening right in front of me. Right? And then we can take that and bring into practices so like you can make love as like the manipulator and the manipulated or bring. Bring out polarities and bring that into your sex life, into your lovemaking or even concepts. Like I was telling you about this practice that I really love. That is if you ever have a concept that is not like you feel like you need to work on the relationship. That could be trust, that could be belonging, that could be surrender. Like, I feel like we need to work on this and I want to go deeper with you in that. What we do is do some breath, work together, really primal, and then connect to what the concept feels like in your body. So let's say trust to me feels like really soft in my chest and tingly my hands and there's like a smile in my face and my legs get like a bit heavier. That is what trust feel like into my body. And then when you connect with that and your partner connects to what trust feels like in their body, body, and then you make love from that and then you do some of that and then you stop, you breathe, you reconnect with what that means and then you meet each other in that concept and what it feels like to be meeting each other from that place that you're craving to work on your relationship or to feel more in your relationship. So I really love that practice.

[A]

This is your chance to be personally mentored by me in launching your podcast. I am sorry. So excited to be opening up my first ever small group, limited to 10 people, podcast mentorship where I'll be guiding you step by step into how to choose the right name for your podcast, graphic for it, description what the format of your podcast is, whether you're going to do interviews, solo casts and getting comfortable in sharing your voice. So this is a really small group, hands on container that I'll be running personally starting in January. So. So I'm really excited because I've learned so much from having a podcast over the past eight years. It has led to the greatest gifts in my life, from a six figure business, to my best friends, to traveling the world, to meeting the world's top spiritual teachers and thought leaders. And it's like every single week I'm being mentored by them. And that's what you get to have in your podcast. And it's going to be even more than that. It's going to be a movement. Every single day I meet people and I receive messages of people whose lives have been transformed for my podcast. And there is no greater feeling in the world than that. And that's what I want for you. So head over to my show Notes. It's the very first thing. I've limited it to only 10 people so I can be really, really hands on. If you're listening to this later, I'll have the wait list open and I can't wait to support you in your podcast. And I feel that practice can help bring you into the other person's experience. Like, you were sharing how freedom is a huge value that you have. Like, you want to feel very free in your relationship, and it sounds like your partner wants to feel very more safe, more close in the relationship. So it sort of feels like two opposing energies. Right. But then you're both on the same page of this time of making love. We're both going to embody freedom. Yeah. And then he gets to feel into, oh, it does feel really good to be free. I see why you want to feel free. And then he starts to be more that, which is exactly what you wanted. And then it lets you, like, not need so much freedom anymore because you feel free. And then maybe he like, I. And I think I'm more like your partner who's like a little bit more of the anxious one. A little bit more of that is like, I want to feel so loved. Like, I want to feel so connected. I want to feel like we are merging souls. And so it would be my future partner if we can both be on the same page of like, what does making love from that really, really, really intimate, close. Like, there's no separation. And that might. Someone who's deeply afraid of that might be like, oh, my God, that was so beautiful. Like, I realized I've been so resistant to that because I thought would make me feel trapped. I thought it would make me feel stuck that I thought and all this freedom. But I. I tapped into. Into that. And so I feel this actually brings balance in our attachment styles. And we were also talking about how deep down inside every avoidant is anxious and every anxious is avoidant.

[B]

Effy. Yeah. And like you said, it makes your partner. Like, at least it makes my partner see that the reason why I want freedom is not because I don't love him, but if it feels really good, like I said, like, they can fill it out. What is what that's like and why you want it so much. And then what you're bringing up about anxious and avoidant, it's really interesting because we. We tend to say like, oh, I'm avoidant or oh, I'm anxious. But in reality, that always shows up in. In dynamic is never like, oh, I'm just one thing. If you meet someone that is way more anxious than you, you're going to be like, well, we need a little bit of space. Right. And behind every anxious there is an avoidant, because you being avoidant to yourself, so you want that other person so much. And you're anxious towards the other person, but you're self abandoning. Like you're avoiding your own feelings and your own responsibility to yourself. As every avoidant is also anxious because they deep down really want love. Like I want love so much. And at the same time is so terrifying the idea that I might lose my individuality and my independence. So there is a little anxiety when you are. When you feel safe enough with yourself to look into that. So it's like that polarity and that duality inside of each one of us and inside every relationship all the time.

[A]

So you talked about you guys do breath work together. What does that look like? And what are some other practices you guys do?

[B]

We love to do. So Margo Anand, which is one authentic teacher, she teaches a lot of these practices. She has an amazing book called the Art of Sexual Ecstasy that she shares a bunch of these practices for couples. So I highly recommend that book. One that I love the most is you sit in yab yum with each other and you open.

[A]

Can you share what yabyam is if someone doesn't know?

[B]

Yeah, sure. So it's the woman wrap her or the yin energy in the relationship wrap will wrap her legs around your partner's body sitting down. So they're both sitting down and you are wrapping your legs around your partner and he's holding you, right? So you're just like holding each other up. And you can open your own inner channel which is the flow of energy in your body. And you start making this breath work, like just breathing together with your mouths really close to each other. And as he breathes out, I breathe in. And while I breathe out, he breathes in. So we are breathing the same air with our mouth like this, really close to each other, like lips touching, right? And then you start moving the energy as the energy leaves the Ying energy. So the let's say woman or the female it our positive energy pull in the female body is the breasts is the heart. That's where we pour energy into the world. So and the negative pole, which is where we get energy, where we receive energy from the world, where we're penetrated by it. It's our genitals. And then the man is on the contrary. They receive information and energy of the world through their hearts. And they move energy, they put their energy out through their genitals. So that's how you're going to create this energy cycle. It comes out of my heart, into his heart, down his body, into his genitals, out of his general genitals. Into my genitals, up my body, into my heart. And you create this circuit of energy through both bodies. And that can take you to wild places. Like, that's one of the ways to have energetic orgasm. So it really rises your energy and connect you sexually and it really turns you on. So the sex afterwards is incredible.

[A]

The sharing of breath, practice is it makes you high. Like does it really is so intimate because you think of your exhale as like carbon dioxide, like, bad. And then that person to be like, breathing that in, there's something. So, yeah, like it. And I feel like that's what tantra is, is like touching places no one else ever has. And especially when you're biologically a match that you're like chemicals are speaking to each other. It is the most intoxicating feeling. And. And also that yab yam and the microcosmic orbit you spoke about, it's opening up all of our chakras, you know, because your chakras are all lined up and so you can feel. And it also makes you become very aware of where there are blocks in the relationship too. Sometimes you can feel like, okay, their heart is not fully open to me, or like there's something on their throat because you're. You're like in the same experience. And I feel just having that as like a checkpoint to do. You know, I think we sometimes are like, okay, we have to have a month, a month meeting and talk about the relationship. But I bet you if you just sat in yabba like a couple times a week, like, so much conversation telepathically would just happen.

[B]

Yeah. And things that you didn't even know you had to talk about because so many emotions are going to come up when you do that. You're going to laugh, you're going to cry, you, you're going to want to stop and your partner can hold you and to like, keep going. So it really shows how the dynamic of the relationship is how the energies are being held. Who is holding the other person more, who is putting more effort, who is like, feeling like they're letting go. And then that creates conversations because so many couples don't even know that they have something that they need to talk about, you know? And then when you start doing these practices, or at least meeting each other in a more energetic or spiritual level, that will open up deep conversations that you had to have.

[A]

Are there any other practices that you would suggest?

[B]

I think even like small practices that you can do every day. So Layla has great ones that, for example, loves, fears and desires. So what it is that I desire and three things that I fear and the three things that I love about you. So those are, like, very small practices that you can just do day to day or even just looking, staring at each other's eyes that so many couples don't. And like, we were talking before flirting with each other, right? Just bringing in this fun energy. When your partner says something, you can reply to them in a sassy way that it doesn't mean that you necessarily want to have sex, but it just means that you can play around with this energy and you don't need. Because so what I feel is so many women, they start getting so scared of sex. They're like, I can't even make out with my partner because then he's gonna think that I want sex and I don't. So I, you know, like, I just need to be really rigid so that I don't have to upset him later. And when you start doing these practices and you just allow, like, erotic energy to flow around you, stop being afraid that you might not want sex, but you might want to flirt around with your partner and just, like, make out and not have to have any. Not have it to go anywhere else. So I think that is very powerful.

[A]

Effy, we need to bring back the art of the makeout. Like, honestly, guys, it's like the best thing ever. And, like, why do we stop doing it when we're in a relationship? Like, it's so fun. You. You understand, you feel each other so much. It's flirty, it's. It's playful. And I feel when you get into relationships, it's exact, exactly that of, like, oftentimes it's the male partner. Because men can be ready to have sex in a second. You know, for a woman, she wants to be ready, and her body, it has to open, and it takes time. And. And also she might know he doesn't have enough time for what it would actually take for me to open up sexually. So I would rather not even go there.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

And so you do put on, like, I think in relationships, sometimes you put on the big T shirt and the messy bun, and this is like a signal of, like, I am not available for sex. Like, leave me alone. But then you miss that part of yourself that was flirty. The part of yourself that, you know, and I feel there needs to be these in betweens of, like, you can have a juicy kiss and. And it was just a kiss. You can make out for an hour, two hours, even if you've already had sex. But like, because. And it's like, I think we all miss the days that we were dating that person because there was still that mystery. But it's like you get to create new veils.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, like, just because you've already had sex doesn't mean it's going to happen every single time. And I think you can give that hunt and hunty energy back in that. So many of us, you know, and. And sometimes we women might want to be the hunters, but I know typically it's like the one in the feminine wants to be hunted. Right. And the one in the masculine wants to be the hunter. I was speaking to my friends Rachel and Johan. I don't know if you know them, they've been on the podcast amazing tantric couple as well. And they will literally role play like he is like a hun, her in a safari in Africa and she's the zebra. And they will chase each other around the room and like full on and. And they're laughing and like, like fighting and it's like so fun and seductive. And it's like, I think as a woman, like, we want to feel that feeling of like, I'm so desired, like, he needs to have me, he can't keep his hands off of me. Like, that turns us on so much and makes us feel so loved and so safe. And so it's like even just a practice like that. And I think men think they want a new relationship or a new pursuit, but they just like that feeling of hunting, you know, and it's like we get to create that. Have you recently gone through a heartbreak that rocked your world? And honestly, you're still maybe picking up the pieces. You've learned so much from this experience, but you also know there's so much more awaiting you. And probably you have an intuitive sense that this was meant to. To happen for you to become your highest self. Well, I've been there. At the end of 2022, I found out that my then husband had been cheating on me. And it was the most horrible news I've ever gotten. But now looking back on it, I can say it was my life's greatest blessing because without that, I would have never left the marriage, where honestly, we were quite incompatible in. In many different ways. But it took me getting to that level for me to actually see what was not working in the relationship and for me to set off and create this new life where I traveled the world for a year, started producing music, singing, rapping, dropped an album called My Body is an Altar that has hundreds of thousands of streams around Spotify, creating music videos, moving to la, dressing in these really cute outfits, becoming my fullest expression, and most importantly, not having anything in my consciousness that I'm afraid of anymore. I have become truly liberated. And that is the gift of a heartbreak. So all my friends would come to me when they would go through their heartbreaks. I know a lot of people are in it right now. And this is why I've decided to create my ultimate heartbreak healing course. So it guides you step by step with the exact same tools and realizations that I used on myself during my heartbreak that have allowed me to not just heal from it, but become this version of me that I am frankly obsessed with. So for 33 days, every single day, I will be guiding you through a practice journal prompt will be writing poetry, healing and transmuting so much. But most importantly, taking this as the opportunity for you to become the version of you that you've always felt it was too soon to be. So I'm so excited for you to get started. As soon as you join the course, you can get started on day one. I have seen insane transformations and I can't wait to see what awaits you on the other side. So head over to iam saharrose.com heartbreak and use coupon code podcast for $50 off. Again, that's I am Sahara S A H a r a rose.com heartbreak and use coupon code podcast for $50 off. You can find that link in the show notes. And I'm super excited for you to meet the version of you that's on the other side.

[B]

We think that every time we have a sexual interaction, we know it's going to end up in sex and that is what takes part of the fun away. Because one thing that is so fun about dating is that you never know where it's going to go. You don't know if the person likes you, if you're going to have sex, if you're going to go out this weekend. So that what's exciting. So when a couple you only make out when you're having sex, you already know the end result and that makes everything boring. So we are like a pragmatic society that wants to play around with the erotic arts and but we want to know what the end result is going to be. And that misses the whole point of the eroticism. You shouldn't know where it's going to go and that is what's going to create excitement and that's what's going to allow you to explore different sides of yourself, different facets of yourself, which is so much of what the tantric tradition teaches us as well.

[A]

And I also love the fears. Fears, desires. And what was the third one?

[B]

Loves. Things that I love about you.

[A]

Loves. Because that brings another texture of intimacy. Like what we just talked about is more of the flirty, fun, like kind of surfacey, bringing back the dating vibes. But I feel like this, the fears, it's like the intimacy of truth. Like truth is the greatest aphrodisiac. Like when you speak that truth and you say that thing on your heart and you lay it at the altar and you don't know how it's going to be received. And it's received, it's. You're like, oh my God. Like you're so much more in it. And I feel that a lot of us don't do that because we're afraid of what if it's not received? Then I'll lose the relationship, you know, but then we're not having the depth of the relationship that we want. Which also might mean the relationship might not work.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so can you give an example of like some fears, desires and loves that someone could share in a long term relationship?

[B]

I can like give my example, sure.

[A]

So

[B]

desires that I have, like traveling around, exploring your sexuality deeper. Let me think. I have a desire that he will like hunt me down in the wild. That we can like go naked somewhere. He will hunt me down. Like that's a deep desire. And you can even get more specific in the desire. Fears. I am afraid that if I, if I want to explore my individuality, he's going to feel abandoned. That scares me. It scares me that I want to have kids and he doesn't. But I feel like this is the relationship I need to be right now. Even though we might not want the same things in the future. So that scares me. And loves is I love away. I love the way he looks at me. I love how devoted he is to me. I love how honest and able to witness me without judging or without taking it personally. I think that's what something I like about this practice is. Your partner gets to witness you without taking it personally. Because so often we say like, oh, I'm afraid that if I like travel by myself and explore my individuality, you're gonna feel abandoned. And the other person goes like, no, I won't. Why do you think that? I've never. And then it's just like, oh, okay, you have that fear. Like, it's interesting that you've been holding that. And then you create that separation between the other person and you. And you can even see your reactions to what your partner says. Even like, you know, if I say something I love about you and you think like, oh, but you love, you love the way I hear or you have to say, but you don't love the way I touch you. You know, like these little thoughts that is just constantly feeling unsatisfied rather than relaxing with what exists. Right.

[A]

And I feel. So one of the fears you mentioned is a pretty big one of I want children and you don't. And so I don't know if this relationship will ultimately work out. Like that's the big thing that we're all afraid of saying. The thing of I don't know if this will work out. And most couples never speak that. They have it in the back of their mind playing all the time. I don't know if this relationship, for me, there's this thing. There's this thing, but I'm not going to say it because if I say it then we might just end. And I don't feel ready for it to end, but instead saying it and both being on the same page of yeah, this might end because of that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But we're both still choosing. It is like now you're so much

[B]

more in a hundred percent. That is really beautiful when you can have that level of honesty. Yeah. With your partner and you don't have the fear to say that something might end just because the idea of forever is the idea that that relationship worked at all.

[A]

What if you share these things with your partner and they don't receive it well, Especially in long term relationships. I think what happens is. Why didn't you tell me this earlier? Because you start to do these practices sometimes years into the relationship and so there's a lot of years of not speaking all the truth that can come up.

[B]

Yeah. I think again, being honest with your partner. I wasn't ready. I didn't know, I was scared to tell you. And I think the way that we talk to our partners is so important and I think a lot of women messes that up. We don't know how to communicate with our partners without sounding critical and without disempowering them. If we want our partner to do something, they need to feel capable of doing it, you know, so like a very simple example of this is when I tell my partner, like, you never washes the dishes. That's completely disempowering because there's nothing he can do with the past. Like oh, you never. So I never. So there's nothing I can do now because I never do it. And when you say like, you know, could you do the dish? Oh, you didn't do the dishes today, you can say, oh, okay, so let me do it. Right. So it's really about making your partner feel capable of doing the things that you know that he's capable of. So many women see the potential in men and you're dating their that potential and you're just hoping that that potential will wake up. And there's a lot of women that don't know how to wake up that that potential in the men. And there's a lot of men that don't want that potential to be awakened. Right. So I think really bringing that up to your partner, saying things in a non violent way, like yesterday you brought an example. I don't remember what it was, but just saying like, hey, I've been noticing that you've been letting yourself go and I just care so much about you and I want you to feel empowered and I want you to feel good about yourself. What can we do to, to make you find yourself again and not like, you know, like you never do things anymore, you never look for me anymore, you never want to touch me anymore. Like there's nothing you can do about that, right? So really, the way that you talk about your partner, it's going to determine how open they are to you and to witness you.

[A]

So what if you are in a partnership and the other person doesn't have the patience or value slower, deliberate tantric intimacy? Because I know for a lot of my female friends that I speak to, they say, I would love to do breath work and do practices and you know, have sex rituals and things, but my male partner would never want to do that. Every time I try, I can tell he's bored and not with me. And then it doesn't feel good anymore. And so some of them are questioning if the relationship is right for them and some of them have just accepted this is just what it is. What advice do you have and is it something that we can change of that person or we just have to accept, you know, not, this isn't everyone's cup of tea.

[B]

We can't change anyone if the person doesn't want.

[A]

That's why you're here. You're here to help us change them.

[B]

If the person doesn't want to be changed, we can't change them. Right. The only thing that we can do is let our partners know what that would feel like. For us. So what I see is men have a deep, deep desire to serve when they know the purpose of that. It's not just serving for serving. Oh, I want you to do practices with me. But when you're able to tell him why it is that that matters to you, like, when you do practices with me, I feel so safe, and I feel that I can open up to you in ways that have never before. When you do practices with me, I feel that you are the man for my. Of my life, because I see all this potential coming up, and it makes me feel so turned on by you. So when you explain to men why that is important, something in them, like, rises. Like, I have one client that once, he told me his wife kept asking him to take out the trash, and he never did. And then one day, they were watching a TV show, and the woman said, you know, when you take out the trash, I don't like to take out the trash because it makes me feel dirty. And then he looks at her and he says, is that why you asked me to take out the trash? And she goes, actually, yeah, I feel kind of dirty touching the trash. And he's like, oh, okay. And then he started taking out the trash, you know, so it's. They don't want to be told what to do, but they do want to serve if they know why that is important, the purpose of that. And again, not all men. That's. There's a lot of men that are just comfortable with the way things are, and then maybe that is not your partner. Maybe that's not for you.

[A]

A friend of mine who's married, I was telling her about something I was in and how I want to tell this person. I don't feel as connected to you when you don't text me during the day. It makes me feel disconnected. That's. That was the word. How I felt. It was about connection and disconnection. She says, no, men don't respond to that. You have to say it turns me on. I was like, what? It turns me on when you text me. I feel so turned on by you. I was like, that's not the energy, but okay. And I said that. And he's like, oh, what? And so it's like, sometimes you just have to speak their language of what makes them. As a woman, feeling connected is the most important thing. But for a man, I don't think. Not all, but a lot of times, it's like feeling connected. Oh, but that turns her on. It turns her on. When I take out the trash, it Turns her on. When I do this tundra thing, it's like, that's the thing they really want. So just use that word 100%, 100.

[B]

Like negativity, like, oh, I don't like that. That doesn't make good. You're making. You're getting it wrong again. It's disempowering. What they hear when you say I don't feel connected to you is like, what they hear is I'm not enough. Because the biggest one, the biggest generational trauma and karma in men is not feeling enough. Because if, if they are not enough, they could not protect, provide, procreate for their community. Their tribes, like anxious in the old times. That's what their nervous system is built for. So whenever they hear criticism, it touches that wound. I'm not enough. And then they react because it hurts to feel that. Just like I react when I don't feel enough. I go like, I roll my eyes and that. It's terrible. Right?

[A]

It makes you actually want to try even less.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I'm not enough. I'm not even gonna try.

[B]

Exactly. Like nothing's ever going to be good enough for you. So I'm not a problem.

[A]

You are. And so the woman wanted more, but then she actually gets less by making him feel that he's not enough.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so in a way it's like, how can you speak from your heart in this way of acknowledging the ways he is enough and the things that already are filling you up and then him taking up more of that space. So I want to talk about intimacy. You know, the average American has sex for two minutes. Maybe it's gone up to four. I'm serious.

[B]

But penetrate, penetrative. Yes.

[A]

Okay, two to four minutes.

[B]

And do you count the time before that as sex?

[A]

Whoever did this research study, did you count the before? I don't think there's much going on before either, either, darling. You know, and so if you think about that, it's like, you know, it's so interesting because America's sex obsessed culture, and then you're actually only doing it for two minutes. And I would say again, I don't, I don't know if that's true. I've never had that experience, but maybe people are doing it. I would say average American that I'm thinking of is maybe 10 minutes. Right. These are the positions I like. Those are the positions you like. You came, I came. We're done. Let's order a pizza. It's like that, you know, and so I feel so much of what tantric intimacy is, is slowing down, being with the experience. So if maybe in your relationship, you guys are just used to having sex a certain kind of way, maybe use, like, specific toys. How can you slow down and resensitize your body to stay turned on when things are way slower, especially for the man, than what they're used to?

[B]

That's a really good question. I think one of my favorite ways to do that is to touch on different senses, right? Not just touch and not just genitals. And again, a man needs to want to do that because so many of men, they don't want to have sex. They want to have a release. And so many women, too, right? We don't want to learn to build up that energy that empowers us so much. We want to come and, like, so we got a vibrator done. But I think if you do want to start going down that path, start bringing awareness to your senses. So in Tantra, every sense is a goddess, and you need to nourish that goddess. You need to nourish the goddess of smell and taste and sight. And you have to make things. Things beautiful for yourself and for your life. So you can bring that just for your everyday life. Before having a meal, just smell, look at it, appreciate, like, really taste it, rather than eating with a distraction with your phone, because that's gonna be mirrored to your sex life. And again, one practice that I really like, since we're bringing up so many practices, is before you have sex, stimulate your partner's senses. So one of your part. One of the partners lay down and you just touch them. They bring all their awareness to touch. And then you bring something close to their nose that smells good, an essential oil or whatever. And then they just bring all their awareness into their nose. And then you do the same with your lips and your taste. And then what I like to do with my partner is I whisper love things into his ear. So he brings his awareness to sound. And then finally, I stand right in front of him and I tell him to open his eyes. And with that, he looks at me as if he was seeing me for the first time. So he puts that intention. And when you have all your senses, like, activated, all parts of your brain is activated and you cannot be present. You can. You can't not be present if all of your senses are activated. It's impossible. So then you can have a deeper sex. And that also helps with the transition that we were talking about. Like, maybe I'm not turned on yet and I need some time. So you can put play around with that, activate other senses. Don't go straight to the genitals. Your entire body is erotic. You can have orgasm in your ear and your chest and your hands. So it's about building the awareness, the capacity to witness those sensations. The subtle. It's about returning to what is subtle.

[A]

I love how you spoke that of the different goddesses are the senses.

[B]

And it.

[A]

It is so true. It's divine. And it's almost like if someone, like, slaps your arm, it's like, ow, you know, and you kind of even feel it. It's just this shock, right? And I feel like a lot of couples are having sex, but they're not feeling it. Like, how many times as a woman, I'm sure we've all done it. You're thinking about grocery shopping. You're thinking you are not even feeling anything in that moment. Sometimes when you're. You're disconnected. But instead, if you are so connected to, like, there's a finger about, like, do this right now. Put your hand just next to your face and come super close to your face. It's super close to your face. You're about to touch your face. Like, there's so much anticipation there. Like, are you going to touch your face? Are you not? Now bring it towards your lip. You're about to touch your lip. Bring it around your lip. Don't even touch it yet. And then just like, gently graze over your lip and just very gently with the tips of your fingernails, touch your cheek and your neck and oh, my gosh, it's just orgasmic. And like, technically the slap or if I've squeezed my arm, I'm technically holding it a lot tighter. But the anticipation and the gentleness and the touch, our faces, too, have so many nerve endings. Like, I love in that, like, kissing moment where you're just like, rubbing your faces on each other. You're not even kissing, but you're just like, rubbing your noses and you're feeling like, your cheek on your cheek. And it's like, so intimate and it's so connected. And for whatever reason, you, like, only do that before the first kiss and you never see that again. It's like, keep doing that, you know? And Ms. Jaya, who's been on the podcast, speaks about the erotic blueprint archetypes. And for me, it was interesting because I was definitely more of the sensual one. But through doing lots of tantric practices on myself and the yoni d armoring and just like the celibacy and cultivating inward, I've Become so energetic that I'm like, it is so much more the before, the anticipation, the space in between, because there's so much yearning in that. And it's the yearning that gives the feeling. And the feeling is what we really want. It's not the friction, it's the feeling of it. And so I love what you shared because it makes you so attuned to your subtle senses of feeling, Feeling that little taste, smelling that vanilla essential oil, looking at that person for the first time, whispering something in his ear. It's like you all of a sudden are so present in the moment, as opposed to most couples. Oh, you ate. Are you full? Are you horny? You know, like, and then you. You mutually masturbate on each other, I would say. And then.

[B]

And.

[A]

And then that. That's it. And then you wonder why. And then that's why so many women, I think, are watching these, reading these fairy movies, you know, these very books, because they want to feel that. But it's like the. You got to create that anticipation. And I do feel the woman often are the leaders in love, you know, and we are the ones who. Yes, we want the perfect man to know all these things and has listened to this podcast and integrated it all and is monogamous, you know, but. But until then, it's like. Like be that. And. And you were sharing how your partner was not spiritual, tantric, but loves these practices so much. So can you share, like, what that process was like for you?

[B]

Yeah, my partner, he had never experienced that any of it. Like, zero had never heard of it. But what he shares is as he hears me talk about these things is as. As if I could put into words what he always. So it's almost as if his heart and his mind came to rest of like, oh, this exists. And there's ideas about this. So he's really open. And that is a blessing. Like, I really. We say we won the lottery with each other and since the very beginning. And I think we can't be afraid to invite people into these practices from the beginning. First date, you don't have to. Like, you don't.

[A]

Can we say here, we say a lot of.

[B]

Here, you don't have to. In just the way that you think that a person wants to be because it's the first. First date and you want. You don't want to be too much.

[A]

What do you think of sex on the first date? How do you Brazilians do it? Is that a thing here? Is it not?

[B]

If you want to. That's. That can.

[A]

Is it like if you do it, it's never going to be a relationship.

[B]

Absolutely not. Okay.

[A]

In the US it's kind of like it most likely will never be a relationship. You end up probably at most a situationship if that happens.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

You hear one off stories, but it's not typical. But here I'm like, I feel like you guys are just different with everything.

[B]

So I'm very different with everything.

[A]

I hear you guys kiss stranger. So yeah, totally.

[B]

So I hear you talking about like love life in the US and it's like, oh, you mean lack of love life in the US Must be terrible. Like you can't flirt with a stranger and that not go anywhere.

[A]

We were at a samba dancing and I was having my little dancing moment and then after she was like, can you share about the band guy that

[B]

I went up to?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Can I give you a kiss?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So I'm non monogamous. So recently we were at a dance that's called Foha and one of the players was really cute and we were checking each other out. So when it finished, he invited me to dance. Then we danced a little bit and he went into a corner and I went up to him and I said, are you open for a kiss?

[A]

How do you say it in Portuguese? Can I give you a kiss?

[B]

I think I might have said something. Can a worker kiss, like if you're working tonight? And then he was like, oh, I really want to, but you know, I'm working. And I was like, that's fine. Okay. And then that was it.

[A]

Like when you shared that with me, I was like, first of all, I've never in my life had the thought of, I'm watching this band, maybe I should just ask him if he'd like to kiss me after. I've never had that thought. And I love that you just did that and you asked. And even though he couldn't because he was working or whatever, you didn't feel rejected. And I could never show my face face here again. And oh my God, I can't believe I did that. It's like, okay, yeah. And I'm like, whoa. Like I feel in the western world we're so afraid of rejection that even if I'm interested in someone, I would never even flirt with them in case they have a boy, a girlfriend, or in case they would say no in case. Because I'm so afraid of being rejected, you know? And I think there is this like sexiness to you guys because you just flirt and it doesn't mean anything. And if they're not interested, it doesn't make me any less.

[B]

Absolutely. Flirting, it's part of the fun. It's just allowing your erotic energy to flow around. And like, even when we're talking about relationships, I think women are so. They're so unsafe in their own no that they rather not do anything so that they don't have to say no afterwards. So it's like, I'm so scared that I won't be able to say no to this person if I don't want to have sex with them later, that it won't even play around with it.

[A]

It's so true. Even in the relationship. That's why you go to the. Wearing the T shirt, the mask. I'm not available, so you don't try to have sex with me. And I think even in date, I'm afraid of flirting because it's gonna mean this commitment. And so I feel all of this is coming back to the nuances, coming back to the in betweens, coming back to a subtle glance, a subtle touch, a subtle something. And that's really what sexiness is all about.

[B]

Yeah. And like we said, you need to trust yourself very deeply to allow that erotic energy to flow around, and you need to play around with it. Not everything has to turn into a relationship. Not everything have to mean something, which is. I think in Brazil, we bring this energy of, like, I can float around with my friends, like, I will. I'm the type of person, if you tell me, if you say anything to me, I can come up with like, a flirty, like, even like, if a friend of mine comes and say, oh, this is so good. You want to taste this? I'll be like, only if I can taste you later. And then we're gonna laugh, and then we're gonna move on, you know, so it's. That's. I think that's something that Latinos have to teach.

[A]

You have lots to teach the world. So where can listeners connect with you, be coached by you? I know you do couple coaching as well and follow you on Instagram.

[B]

So my Instagram is Belle L, which is my last name. L I T S E K. And yeah, I. I work mostly with couples. I do coaching, but I mostly do therapy because when it's unusual that couples come to you that they just want to elevate the relationship, there's usually something really bad happening. So I'm qualified to do trauma work together. And that's something that I think adds to the work. We need to stop thinking about our development, our healing process as something separate than our relationship. Our healing can only happen in connection. So we need to start bringing that into our relationships. Which is why I love this work with couples. So that's where they can find me for now. Maybe I'll have a podcast someday.

[A]

Yes. Well, thank you so much for sharing, for all your wisdom, for your amazing friendship and conversations. I'm so glad to have you here. I'll have her links listed in the show notes. So this is such a fun friend to bring to the girls group text. Share what you think, what you feel. Listen to this with your partner. Be like, hey, let's try this sensual date with each other. Let's try doing breath work. Let's just make out for hours. And sometimes you gotta hear it on a podcast. So it's like not either of you telling each other, but rather this Brazilian chick on the podcast said it. So let's give it a try. And so listen to this podcast. It's such a great place to just. I absolutely. I feel like the thing that's going to save the world is more couples in love, you know? So we want more love on this planet. Share with us what you thought in the comments on YouTube, Spotify, wherever you're listening to this, I read every single one. If you love this episode, please leave a review for it in the podcast app on your iPhone or Apple Mac. And as a free gift, I will send you my womb meditation. You can email it over to me@saharaamsahara rose.com you can find that email and all the links mentioned today in the show Notes. Thank you so much for tuning in and I'll see you in the next one. Trust your intuition, Trust your inner wisdom. Trust your inner guidance. So trust your intuition, trust your inner wisdom. Trust your inner guidance.