A Prostitute’s RISE to Empress

Summary

Podcast Summary: "A Prostitute’s RISE to Empress" – History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas

Podcast Information:

• Title: History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas
• Hosts: Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas
• Episode: A Prostitute’s RISE to Empress
• Release Date: January 30, 2025

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Introduction and Setting the Scene

The episode kicks off with Chris and Yannis setting the stage for a live show at the Howard Theater during a particularly tumultuous weekend marked by political tensions surrounding an inauguration. Their humor is infused with current events, blending history with contemporary issues.

• Chris: "We are here now. I am Chris DiStefano, aka Chrissy Constitutions..." [03:20]
• Yannis: "...and King of the Castle Feet of the Queen." [03:33]

Live Audience Interactions and Banter

Throughout the episode, Chris and Yannis engage with the live audience, making observational jokes about the crowd's reactions and demographics. They playfully navigate interactions, addressing attendees' behaviors and appearances with their signature comedic flair.

• Chris: "Look at this crowd. We are sold out at the Howard Theater." [04:19]
• Yannis: "We are the history hyenas... pick the worst weekend to come to Washington, D.C. Absolutely." [02:59]

They also incorporate real-time observations, such as attendees' attire and responses, enhancing the live show experience.

Introduction to Empress Theodora

The core content of the episode revolves around the historical figure Empress Theodora, exploring her transformation from a prostitute to a powerful empress in the Byzantine Empire. The hosts blend historical facts with comedic storytelling, making the narrative both informative and entertaining.

• Yannis: "We're talking about Empress Theodora, who is maybe the most famous prostitute of all time." [15:23]
• Chris: "She truly is Empress Theodora the whore." [15:49]

Empress Theodora’s Rise to Power

Theodora's backstory is humorously reimagined by the hosts. Born to an elephant trainer who tragically dies at the Hippodrome, Theodora's entry into prostitution is depicted as a strategic move to support her family, eventually leading her to become the mistress—and later wife—of Emperor Justinian.

• Chris: "She was born as a lowly daughter of an elephant trainer at the Hippodrome, which is basically the Coliseum of Constantinople." [36:49]
• Yannis: "She decides she's gonna be an actress. And they have to toot themselves in order to make a buck." [40:11]

Comedic Reimagining of Historical Events

Chris and Yannis infuse the historical narrative with modern comedic elements, creating parallels between ancient and current societal issues. They humorously critique historical figures and events, drawing exaggerated comparisons to contemporary personalities and scenarios.

• Chris: "Empress Theodora was like Nikolai Tesla. She was the fucking boobs." [33:44]
• Yannis: "She was a feminist icon, the first one and one of the biggest." [34:00]

Audience Engagement and Live Skits

The hosts conduct live skits and interact with audience members, further blending humor with historical discourse. They create fictional scenarios and characters to illustrate points about Empress Theodora's influence and legacy.

• Chris: "Imagine if we just start sitting like a woman. Cause you're my best friend again." [76:02]
• Yannis: "She was a smoke show, absolutely gorgeous." [35:56]

Humorous Modern-Day Analogies

Throughout the episode, Chris and Yannis draw humorous analogies between Empress Theodora's story and modern-day issues such as feminism, gender rights, and societal norms. They use satire to highlight the progress and challenges in these areas.

• Yannis: "Prostitution is a necessity... maybe we should get a bunch of GoFundMe for those kids to get their prostitutes." [22:13]
• Chris: "Sex workers now. I think prostitute is a better term." [23:12]

Conclusion and Audience Participation

As the episode progresses, the focus shifts to engaging the audience through interactive segments like the "Pseudo Penis of the Week" (PPW) competition. The hosts read out humorous and creative names submitted by listeners, fostering a sense of community and participation.

• Chris: "This is our favorite part of every episode. We do... read out the funny names." [71:00]
• Yannis: "We got more confused than Sammy Sosa's skin color." [73:00]

Final Thoughts and Wrap-Up

The episode concludes with Chris and Yannis expressing gratitude to their Patreon supporters and the live audience, wrapping up their comedic exploration of Empress Theodora's life with a blend of humor and historical insight.

• Yannis: "Thank you so much for coming out on such a wild weekend, everybody. Good night." [103:07]
• Chris: "We love you so much." [103:08]

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Notable Quotes:

1. Chris – "We are the history hyenas... pick the worst weekend to come to Washington, D.C." [02:59]
2. Yannis – "Empress Theodora was like Nikolai Tesla. She was the fucking boobs." [33:44]
3. Chris – "Prostitution is a necessity... maybe we should get a bunch of GoFundMe for those kids to get their prostitutes." [22:13]
4. Yannis – "This is our favorite part of every episode. We do... read out the funny names." [71:00]
5. Chris – "We love you so much." [103:08]

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Key Insights:

• Historical Humor: Chris and Yannis effectively blend historical facts with contemporary humor, making learning about Empress Theodora both entertaining and educational.

• Audience Engagement: The live format allows for dynamic interactions with the audience, enhancing the overall listening experience through real-time reactions and participation.

• Modern Parallels: Drawing parallels between ancient and modern societal issues, the hosts use satire to comment on current debates surrounding feminism, gender rights, and prostitution.

• Creative Storytelling: The reimagining of Empress Theodora's life story showcases the hosts' ability to transform historical narratives into engaging and humorous content.

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Conclusion:

"A Prostitute’s RISE to Empress" is a captivating episode where Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas navigate the complexities of Empress Theodora's rise with a unique blend of history and humor. Their lively interactions, creative storytelling, and sharp comedic insights provide listeners with both laughter and a deeper understanding of a fascinating historical figure.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hey, what's going on, everybody? How you doing? This is Sean Terry, Ladder 14.

[A]

And this is Patrick Mulroney, Ladder 14.

[B]

Of course, we're down here, of course, for the inauguration. As you know, we came down here and we're very excited for the big boy to get in office. You know, we're not gonna be performing tonight because that's gonna be the liberal kid with the small head, Giannis and fucking helmet head Chrissy. They're gonna do a couple skits for you here, 5pm so this is basically a children's show.

[A]

Yeah, it's what it is. I had to do an early show because, you know, Colleen threw me out of the house because she saw that I was banging Toots again. But, I mean, well, not me. Patrick Mulroney.

[B]

Yeah. No, that's Patrick Mulroney. Yeah. Hopefully there's some grandmothers out there. We wanted this show to be nice and early for the grandmothers. And for all you people who were upset that Trump's being inaugurated, you might have had to close your stores down and board them up, because tomorrow there's a chance to tear gas.

[A]

Nice. That was a good one. We finally got a laugh.

[B]

Yeah. That's all we needed. So I wanted to say to you people, welcome Giannis Pappas and Chris DiStefano to history. Hyenas, everybody. Look at this crowd. We are sold out at the Howard Theater.

[A]

Yes, we are.

[B]

We're sold out at a different theater.

[A]

Yes, that's it. Hello, everyone.

[B]

How you guys doing? Everybody doing good? We had to go through 14 security checks to get into this city. I feel like I'm living in Gaza.

[A]

Yes, it's what it is. Congratulations. You know, listen, America, you know, we'll see what happens on Monday.

[B]

No, we know it's going to happen on Monday. Oh, yeah. It's a done deal. Oh, yeah, it's a done deal.

[A]

Well, I'm so.

[B]

I can look at the crowd and see who is very upset about that right now.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's. This section is not happy over here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The guy sitting over there, he is very happy about the situation.

[A]

He is very happy. And then the Mexican kid sitting in front is very nervous.

[B]

Yeah. This is his last day in America. Perhaps, maybe.

[A]

Yeah. He's going to get. He's worried about getting in that catapult.

[B]

He might be in a catapult tomorrow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Going right over a wall.

[A]

Now, look, we are the history hyenas. And make no mistake, we pick the worst weekend to come to Washington, D.C. absolutely. And that's. And we just.

[B]

And we didn't really think about that until three days ago.

[A]

Yeah. To be honest with you, it didn't really hit me until about three hours.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where I was like, this was probably a dumb move and what can you do? But we are here now. I am Chris DiStefano, aka Chrissy Constitutions, and this is Giannis Pappas, aka King of the Castle Feet of the Queen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's got women's feet.

[B]

I got nice feet. And we do know. We have figured out that we do know each other. In a previous life, we have been reincarnated. And in that previous life, we were both girls and we were friends.

[A]

We were. We were friends. We do not. And we're here and we're going to have a good, really good fun episode. And here's the truth of the situation. Here's the truth, Bader Ginsburg, that you need to understand tonight is that we did this episode on Monday and we did it live at the Stan Comedy Club. And they lost the footage.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they didn't have the footage because the owner is a fat piece of shit. And he ate it.

[B]

He ate it.

[A]

And so we decided, you know what? Because we're wild kids, we're just going to do the episode again for the people here at the Lincoln Theater where this show was sold out. At the Howard Theater.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. We. We should have did this at the Howard Theater. It would be sold out. But we were just informed that the Howard Theater would probably been worse because people are scared of that block, apparently.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know where it is, but they said that there's people that are doing crack outside the venue. I said, that's just Washington, D.C. yeah.

[B]

D.C. is very block to block. You're on one block and you're, like, walking next to, like, a senator's aide, and then you turn the corner and someone just calls you cracker.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That happened to us today.

[A]

I swear to Christ. I swear on our. Our lives. We were walking down the block looking for sandwiches, and some black lady was sitting on the stairs crying. I swear to God, she's hysterical crying. She was crazy. And then we walked past and she said, don't look at me, you crackers. Yeah, I swear to God.

[B]

And I loved it because I. I haven't been called a cracker in a really long time. And then we thought it was hilarious. And then she got up and started chasing us and called us. So that's what happened.

[A]

Swear to.

[B]

I'm not saying that. That's what she called us.

[A]

And then we turned around to her and we said, now, that one's accurate.

[B]

Now, that one you nailed. Yeah, that one you got.

[A]

Speaking of that. Speaking of that word, we forgot to do what we always do to start every live show, and every show is we gotta let out the gay.

[B]

Gotta get it out.

[A]

So on three, let's do it collectively. One, two, three. Yes. And we get it out. Yes. Now, sir, do you know the history Hyenas. Sir, you have no idea. You do know what's good. Did you listen to last week's episode?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What? You did.

[B]

Cause you just look like.

[A]

Are you saying no? Are you saying no, but you're shaking your head yes.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So you don't know. So you don't know what's going on at all right now? You're just in the front row of something you don't know. Well, here's what I know is you graduated from ucf.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And some people know what that means. And if you know, you know. And if you don't, you don't. Do you know what it means? Who knows what UCF means?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know what UCF means, sir?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know what it is? I can't say it. Can we say it?

[B]

No. He doesn't look like. No, you can't say it because we already hit one. Right.

[A]

But could I say it? Because it's a. Okay.

[B]

How about COVID Faji?

[A]

Yeah. Well, how about I don't say it? But Patrick Mulroney said.

[B]

Patrick Mulroney.

[A]

You know, this guy's ucf. You listen to last week's episode, that history. They had a funny bit. They said that UCF stands for undercover.

[B]

That's.

[A]

And they said that they wanted the kids to go around and point at people and say, you go to ucf. You go to ucf. You go to ucf.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then Chrissy just saw a guy in the front row. It looks like he goes. He looks like he's the dean of ucf.

[B]

Yeah, he does. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Unfortunately, he looks like a kid who was in Atlantic City and he won a little money and he went to the store and bought that shirt. That's what he looks like.

[A]

It's what it is. And he does look like a kid that's probably crying because Trump won.

[B]

Yeah. No. Yeah, yeah. Are you happy? Are you upset that Trump won? He's happy.

[A]

Oh, he's happy. Okay. There he is. There he is.

[B]

That's not very. That's not a comfortable thing for you in this town, I'll tell you that right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This town is not. Is not big on that. So. I know. I know you drew from that. From that. I know you probably drove in from Richmond, Virginia. Yes. The capital. Yeah. Those guys look like they got a deer in their freezer for a year. Yes. Those guys are not from the D.C. metro area.

[A]

No, no, those. And if they are, they were definitely there January 6th. Fun, fun, fun.

[B]

Yeah, they were.

[A]

Yeah, they were prancing.

[B]

They were at January 6th and they celebrate January 6th. I think it's a holiday in their house.

[A]

You said January, like a little baby January.

[B]

Yeah, it's January six is a holiday in your house where you have, like, an AOC pinata and you pin the tail. Do you zip tie Grandma on January 6th?

[A]

Because you look like you are the fitness instructor at ucf. I mean, you are jacked.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, the kid is jacked, and he is a UCF alum.

[B]

Big. Yeah, I like it.

[A]

And you look good, by the way.

[B]

I look good today.

[A]

Let me just tell you something. You look good. You look jacked. Yes. And when I saw him this morning, the first thing I said is, he's very lucky because today is a. Is a live show, and he has hair today because, as you know, doesn't have a good. Oh, my mic went out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is it back on now?

[B]

It's back. It's back.

[A]

Giannis doesn't have a good hair day or a bad hair day. He just has a hair day or a no hair day.

[B]

That's how it goes today.

[A]

He's got hair, so it's nice to see.

[B]

Yeah. And it's good to see just all types of people here. Look at this. I do see. I do see a muzzy.

[A]

Yes, we. We do see him.

[B]

Either that or someone who's very cold.

[A]

Yes. Just got to know that one is maybe. Can we edit that part out or this is why.

[B]

Just leave it at.

[A]

Yeah, but, yes, thank you for being here. Praise be to Allah. Yeah, I like Allah. I was a good person. Yes.

[B]

Yeah, he was great.

[A]

He was a good dude.

[B]

He's. That means God. That's all that means.

[A]

That's all that means. And I like Allah, dude.

[B]

We love all people and we love to bring. We just like to joke. So it's good to see you all come out. We're going to do a fun episode. Are you guys ready to start.

[A]

Now? Okay, now here's. Okay. So we. And we got to make sure the cameras are on. Are there any Chinese people here? Okay. So if there's a few Chinese people here, we do feel safe because we know at least if our cameras go down, you're at least recording it for your government.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

And at least we have the footage. And we will go to the CCP because make no mistake, Donald Trump Jr. Liked the post of mine. So I know the president. Yeah. There was no reason to sit down, but we just choreographed a show.

[B]

And these chairs are absolutely falling.

[A]

I mean, these. Yeah, it's what it is.

[B]

Because those not even a real chair. This is made out of cookies.

[A]

Yeah, that's a Howard theater's chair. Where we are sold out.

[B]

Yeah. Because we are too far back because they just.

[A]

We need a table.

[B]

Should we go? I mean, they just went on Etsy and bought these for 13.99.

[A]

It's what it is. Yeah, because you are for the table and we need a fucking table. There's no reason to put this front.

[B]

Yeah, let's just do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know why we're too far from the audience. Yeah.

[A]

This is fucking Frank. This is a franks and beads fucking idea.

[B]

Kid wants us to sit in his lap.

[A]

Yes, you really do. The kids going peeling.

[B]

Yeah, he's going peeling. He wants to sit his lap.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

We went. We had lunch. We had a good day. We went. We cute hunted. We went and looked at the monuments. They're all closed down. You can't get downtown. What are you people still doing in the city? It's going to be a riot tomorrow.

[A]

Yeah, it's going to be bad. And we did eat Washington D.C. pizza. And my advice on that is don't do it.

[B]

It's gross.

[A]

It's fucking gross, dude. I'd rather sit through four more years of pie than eat that pizza. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm obvious Allah. I'm just kidding.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, but that speaks to us. That speaks to us and our beautiful fan base. We got people from all over. We got. And it's It's a. It's a beautiful thing. We got Latinos, we got Chinese, we.

[B]

Got gays, we got muzzies, we got Democrats, we got Republicans. I mean, we got Republicans, we got Democrats. I mean.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Look at the way you're sitting. You're sitting like a Republican, and I'm sitting like a Democrat. What it is, I am sitting like a snarky Democrat. I want nothing to do with those people in the Rust Belt.

[A]

It's what it is. And I know that already this morning, someone here is at the show that was complaining about the added ticket fee that we have no control over. So I know that at the very least, there is peace here, because we know that that guy's a Jew and we have a Muslim here as well.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So we know we got Jews and muzzies here. And this is the way to heal it, is we heal it through history. Hiatus.

[B]

Heal it through history. Hyenas. And there's only one person I want to apologize to right now. It's that girl sitting right there. She had no idea that the speaker was going to block the entire show.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So I'm sorry, we're not on stools, and you can just see the top of my head.

[A]

The Speaker.

[B]

It's not a big target. It's a tiny little head.

[A]

Would you like to move here in these two middle seats next to the Dean of ucf? Yeah, do that if you like. We'd like to do that. We'd like to have you move up here in the front, give you a better seat, because we do support dei. We are inclusive.

[B]

There's two seats. But are you cool over there? Because you might be.

[A]

Would you like it better over there? Okay.

[B]

Can you see me here? I know your boyfriend dragged you to the show and you don't know what the.

[A]

He has no idea what's going on.

[B]

I just. I'll go to you with this if you come to me. To Giggly squad.

[A]

Yes. Yes. Is that what happened?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. You have no idea what's going on.

[A]

You have no actual clue what's happening. She's just like, who are these two racist white guys? I hate these fucking guys. We're just doing a character piece. We're just getting around.

[B]

It's just total character.

[A]

Absolutely. You know, we have it. We're very diverse. My family's Puerto Rican and. Yeah, for the. Yeah, for the bit.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

For my career. No, I'm kidding. I have a beautiful, Puerto Rican, multicultural, fucking diverse family.

[B]

You, too?

[A]

Oh, I love it. Fuck, yeah. Giannis. And the thing is, cuz, is the way you're sitting is bothering me. I mean, cuz you got your legs crossed like a fucking therapist and it's just pissing me off, cuz. And you're just. Yeah, cuz it's what it is. Because we've discussed this. Your brother, whose apartment we're staying, who's not here, who isn't openly gay, he's.

[B]

The one that told me, he was like, you're doing a show this week and my brother's gay and he's a very, very snarky Democrat. Yes. And he said, you're doing a show this weekend. He goes, I am fucking out of here. I'm going to a beach in Mexico and I may never come back to Trump's America.

[A]

Yeah. He's just not going to come. And he is confirmed homosexual because when I opened up his refrigerator, he had a lemon cello seltzer. I said, so he might as well have just been bubbly. Come. Yeah, I mean, yeah.

[B]

He also had a book on the bookshelf called Homosexuality. He did, he did.

[A]

And then he had another book that said it was just named the Man's Body. So it's just what it is. And he. And so you shared the same womb as him. So as we've said before, you did get nicked.

[B]

I got nicked.

[A]

You are gayer than I am. Even though I'm the one who had sex with men.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So once in Houston, it happened.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's fun now to kind of subtly look over every time we make a joke and watch this kid's girlfriend not laughing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She's actually laughing less and less as the show goes on. She's gonna. She's gonna get up for a bathroom break and never come back. And then, make no mistake, I'm gonna steal your boyfriend.

[B]

Yeah. So what it is, I don't know what clip of our show he showed her to get her here, but. Yeah, I don't see which one of those would have worked.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which one? Oh, Matt Rife. Yes. That's probably what it was. We had Matt Rife on and she was like, well, he's hot.

[B]

Yeah. And he probably lied to her and said, matt Rife's gon. And then she came here and she just saw a guy wearing a north face in a 70 degree room.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

You feel comfy in that north face.

[A]

I look like Matt Rife if he had a stroke. Yeah, Yeah, I do feel comfy in this North Face. It's A security blanket. Because I've been having bad anxiety today. And see what happens when I start hanging out with Giannis again. I just start sitting like a woman. Cause you're my best friend again.

[B]

Yeah. Cause we're back in. We're back in. We're doing it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Cause today we're gonna talk about a feminist icon. So you're gonna be happy. This one is for the. This one's for the ladies. Yes, this one is for the ladies. We're talking about Empress Theodora, who is maybe the most famous prostitute of all time.

[A]

She truly is Empress Theodora the whore.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. And she. It's gonna be amazing. It's gonna be fantastic. It's a wild, wild story about how this woman became all the way from being a toot. A prostitute to the Empress of Greece, or whatever they called it back then.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So. Because it has. It's had too many names, and it's fascinating, and we're just gonna have fun. And the thing that I love about our show is either you are really all into this and you love it, or you cannot wait to leave. And that's what it is. Because I know even our cadence. I could just see her being like, what? Get me the out of here. Yeah, but you can't leave, honey. You can't leave because people are doing crack outside.

[B]

Yeah, you gotta.

[A]

We're at the Howard Theater. Yeah, we're sold out there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This place does look good with the lights off.

[B]

It looks like it's packed out right now. The lights off.

[A]

We moved a lot of tickets. If you shut the lights off and make believer at the Howard Theater.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. With the lights out, it just feels completely packed, cuz.

[A]

How's your asshole today? Is it clean? What percentage?

[B]

I took a bath in my brother's bathtub.

[A]

Yes, you did.

[B]

Yeah. So I cleaned it squeaky clean. I call it squeaky clean right now.

[A]

But you can never get 100% squeaky clean because Greek Mediterranean people always have a bit of fumes.

[B]

The problem is it's. Yeah, it's just the fumes. The problem is, is it's grizzly back there. It looks like a Brillo pad right between my cheeks.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So that's the problem. Just some of the fumes gets caught in the hairs. You'd have to go in there and individually clean each hair out.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

Which is a problem.

[A]

Which is a problem. Yeah.

[B]

Or I could just get a wax.

[A]

But I'm a German kid.

[B]

Wax my asshole.

[A]

Yes. Yes. Yeah, but I'm a German kid. So you think me being a German kid, I can actually get my ass a little cleaner than yours?

[B]

Well, you're. You're pretty much hairless. You're like a Chinese cat. You're hairless.

[A]

I am?

[B]

Yeah, you're hairless. That's why there's less fumes. Like Asian kids, German kids have very little hair. Black kids don't have hair. They got.

[A]

Asian kids actually have a gene in them that they can't. They armpits don't smell.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's a truth Bear Ginsburg right there.

[B]

Yeah. And they could also have a gene in them that makes them turn invisible. That's there.

[A]

That's also the truth.

[B]

Yeah. And we know that that's also the truth. Could be. This place could be packed with Chinese kids right now.

[A]

It could be there could just be.

[B]

Invisible, sitting, silence, doing research.

[A]

Who's Jewish out there? Who's a Jewish person? That's it. We got a lot of Jews and they're in our shoes.

[B]

Yeah. So you got to be careful if you're sitting next to him. Just make sure you lace up your shoes tight because he will crawl into it. It's what he wants to do. I don't know why. They just like to get comfy in shoes.

[A]

It's what it is, cuz. And make no mistake, I'm going to say it throughout the show. This show is not for everybody, and I can feel it.

[B]

No, everyone here is on board.

[A]

Except.

[B]

Except for her.

[A]

Yeah. And this guy doesn't know what he's doing.

[B]

No, this guy is just. He's apparently a fan of the show or he's just a really good dad who brought his autistic son to the show.

[A]

Yes, his son does look a little. Frank's a beast.

[B]

Is that your son right there or you don't know that guy. No, you don't. You don't even know that guy. So you guys came as individuals to the show.

[A]

Yeah. And this guy next to him is in a fucking turtleneck.

[B]

Yeah. No, the guy next to him looks like he was in an R B band in the 90s or something like that. He's got a shape up. Then he got a fucking turtleneck on. How you doing? Arsenio Hall.

[A]

He's got a fucking turtleneck. And he looks like. He looks like he's a white kid that wants to be black. He looks like our boy Sean King. That's what it is. He's dying to be black, but the kids are white.

[B]

He kind of looks like an Armenian coke dealer or something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't see him. That's why you're not laughing. But he does look like he's got.

[A]

Yeah, here's the thing. And that's probably why you're not laughing at home, is because this is being listened to by hundreds of thousands of people in their car. And they're like, who the is are they talking?

[B]

Who are they talking about?

[A]

Why don't we talk about Empress Theodora like we said?

[B]

Because I see a kid in the audience. He's got red hair.

[A]

He's got red fucking.

[B]

It's Finding Waldo. Take a peek. It doesn't take long. It's dark in here.

[A]

But the kid's glowing right there. Oh my God. You look like Vincent Van No. And I mean, cuz, you got red hair. What? You got red hair. Bad.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow. I mean, you're a red headed fucking kid.

[B]

He's a redheaded kid.

[A]

Yeah, it's.

[B]

It's pretty. It's a unique thing.

[A]

I mean, he does. People tell you look like Vincent Van Gogh all the time. Sure. That. You ever hear that in your life? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

He's a redheaded kid in a military jacket. I'm nervous.

[A]

Yes, I'm nervous. I don't want you to blow up your Tesla.

[B]

Yeah, I don't do that. We don't need that this week.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, cuz I got to be honest with you right now. These chairs are not comfy.

[B]

No, they're not comfy. Look at this.

[A]

Got to be honest with you.

[B]

Yeah. And we're very far away from the audience. We can't see them at all. We didn't plan on that. But we are here to talk about it too, dude.

[A]

Empress Theodora. And we did a 5:00 show that actually started at 5:30. Because we just want to do an early fucking show for you kids. Because, you know, we figure our fan base has. Parent fan base has kids.

[B]

Right? They have parents.

[A]

They have parents. I mean, you know, and we just want to do an early show because we just, you know, we're kids that like to get in and get out because we have wild anxiety. And Giannis had to talk me into doing this while we were walking out because I'm just scared and that's why I have my jacket on.

[B]

Yeah. A lot of people are like, why are you doing this at 5:00? And I said, I don't know why we're doing it at five o'clock.

[A]

I don't. Because I was nervous that Jani was going to sundown again. Because he does have early onset Alzheimer.

[B]

That's what happens.

[A]

And he starts sundown at about seven.

[B]

Yeah. Every. Every person we told the show was five, it almost didn't register in their brain. And they were like, okay, show starts at 7, right? We're like, no. They were like, don't remember that one guy was like, doors at five. I was like, no, showtime is five o'clock. Yeah.

[A]

The guy that runs the venue was like, doors at five, shows at six. I was like, idiot.

[B]

Doors. Doors at four, when it's still sunny.

[A]

It was like, oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's another thing too. It was a shit day all day. And then it just got nice and sunny and even. We were like, why are we going inside?

[B]

Yeah, we wanted to be outside.

[A]

But let's talk about Empress Theodore Theodora because you love emphasis. Empress Theodora. And she probably was fucking hot.

[B]

She was probably a smoke show. I mean, prostitution, are we for it? Are we against it? Is it feminist?

[A]

Yes, yes, yes.

[B]

I mean, that's the whole thing when it comes to prostitution. The whole argument is, is it good because a woman should be able to do what she wants with her body and it should be regulated and protected so there's no pimps, or is it bad to exploit a woman for her body? What do you guys say? Good.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Good. All right. Those are a lot of guys saying good is what I heard.

[A]

I cuz I don't. I only not think it's good. I think it's a necessity.

[B]

You do?

[A]

I just think. Tell me more about that because I think that. Is this being recorded?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, well, I did just get engaged.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So do you think, do you think it's good? Because, like, look, if a woman wants to do what she wants to do and she wants to sell her body and then maybe it's good for society because you got a lot of guys who are pent up on the Internet or school shooters can't get any. They can't get laid.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So maybe we should do like a bunch of gofundme for those kids to get them prostitutes. They get their fucking glue out so they don't get all pissed and shoot.

[A]

Yes, that's what I think. Because for me, it's either I get a toot or I get a Chinese sperm extractor. So it's one that. Which is a real thing that they have in hospitals in China because they just know guys got to get their fucking glue out.

[B]

Yeah, that's it. But you know what? It's. It's a Question.

[A]

But the thing is, the prostitute, if she would like, she wants to be there and she wants to do it. It's something that she's choosing. Yeah. So, you know, they want to be.

[B]

Called sex workers now. And I'm fine. It's a sex worker.

[A]

Sex worker.

[B]

I think prostitute is a better term. Right.

[A]

Because tude is just fun toots.

[B]

Fun.

[A]

Yeah, it's. But it's not like nobody's making, like, they actively want. I just think it should be legal that.

[B]

I think it should be legal. So then, you know, the way you.

[A]

Just opened your legs was wild. I mean, Yanni won full for no reason. And I, you know, it was fun.

[B]

Well, because that way you don't, you know, you don't have the criminal element in it. It's gonna happen anyway. It's the oldest profession. Let's get the criminal element out of it and open up some toot stores.

[A]

And we'll also think there should be.

[B]

Stores where you get your back tickled.

[A]

Right. What do you mean?

[B]

Like, you go. You know how you could go?

[A]

Yeah. Well, we did discuss earlier in the car that we think prostitution. We can understand how that may not be okay. And we totally get that. We respect that. But I mean, a massage with a happy ending should just be okay. Yeah, that should not be a problem. That's part of a massage. And I want a full body massage. And my peen is part of my body.

[B]

Yeah, that's a good point.

[A]

I do have a piece.

[B]

That's a good point.

[A]

So if my piece gets massaged and a little glue comes out, it's like. Like, you know.

[B]

Yeah, it's. It's a massage of your penis. It's a continuation. That's what it is, babe.

[A]

I'm not. It's, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she's not gonna say anything to masseuse. It's because, you know.

[B]

Yeah. Because she's. Yeah.

[A]

So it's mutually assured. It's just. Okay. That was a lot of 14. Yeah, you can see that one on patreon.com history.

[B]

Yeah, so far.

[A]

That's a Patreon bit.

[B]

We just like to joke around at the firehouse.

[A]

Yeah, we're just. Just kidding.

[B]

It's not a big deal.

[A]

I mean, this girl, the front row, hates it sometimes.

[B]

It happens.

[A]

It's very fun for me to just kind of look over and. I'm sorry, hon. You know what app I really love? Truly? Rocket Money. You know about Rocket Money?

[B]

Yeah, I use it, babe.

[A]

It literally goes and finds subscriptions. I had like six Paramount plus accounts, and I love Paramount plus, but I had six of them.

[B]

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[A]

Yeah, that's what is. You combine that into one. Like you combined your bodies into one when you got married. Which is what I'm thinking. Thinking about doing.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

You sign up for something, you forget about the trial period that ends. Then you're charged month after month after month. The subscriptions are just there, but you're not using them. The only subscription that's acceptable to have two of is patreon.com history hyenas. Every other single one you're going to want to get out of there on Rocket Money.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

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So thanks to Rocket Money, I can now see all my subscriptions in one place, and I cancel the ones I'm not using anymore. And now I'm saving more money.

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[A]

Yeah.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

But here's the thing.

[A]

Wait. But I'm. I'm. I mean, I'm Chris now.

[B]

You're Chris.

[A]

Hi. Oh, well, you almost went into fucking Sergeant Snuggles.

[B]

Absolutely done. This whole show is Sergeant Snuggles in Lieutenant Lollipop. Because it is inauguration weekend, and people do have trauma this weekend.

[A]

They do.

[B]

There's a lot of trauma out there. I've been walking around the streets, and I feel people. They're unsure what's gonna happen in my Social Security. What's gonna happen with Trump is, like, white supremacy coming back. Is the Nazis here? What's happening? And I'm here to say, yes, all that's true.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's gonna be horrible.

[A]

You know, Sergeant Snuggles, you are very, very accurate.

[B]

Yeah. Because I know you're sitting there going, should I fucking move to London like Ellen? Should I fucking go protest?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And maybe. Yeah, you should. Because if this place is triggering you, I support you. I support your triggering.

[A]

I really do. And that is honestly a Hiram. Lieutenant Lollipop. That really is the truth of why we did the early show. And we're fucking around a little bit, but we wanted to get out early enough we can join a protest.

[B]

Because it's hard for you and just.

[A]

Have a little fun having at a protest.

[B]

Yes. Yeah. It's hard for you to cross your legs like that because your thighs are too thick.

[A]

It's. Yeah, my thighs are too thick. And I do have big balls.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I don't have a big piece. Well, not me. Chris and Stefano. Yeah, but I'm not Chris Stephano. I'm Lieutenant Lolly.

[B]

Yeah, I don't even. Yeah, so I don't even like my piece. I want to turn my piece. Shout out to the Patreon member into a crease.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

Shout out. That was a Patreon.

[A]

That was a Patreon. Now we're back. All right, let's talk about Empress Theodora.

[B]

Yeah. Empress Theodore.

[A]

Empress Theodore. Theodora. Just. It's a nice name. I like it. And she was a North African beauty queen.

[B]

She was a smoke show. Absolutely gorgeous smoke show.

[A]

So we're gorgeous. My girl in the front row, smoke. Beautiful. I mean. I mean, you're really good, sir.

[B]

You're doing good.

[A]

Very good. Yeah, very good, sir.

[B]

She may break up with you after this show, but you know what I mean? You've done good.

[A]

But you know what? It was worth it. It was worth it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But, yeah, you're good. I like you a lot.

[B]

So she. Empress Theodora. We're going back to the Byzantine Empire. So we're talking about 520something Byzantine Empire, which is basically the Eastern Roman Empire.

[A]

525 AD Byzantine Empire, which was just one of these small times in where it was, you know, it was really good for white people and you know, just one of those moments in history where just white people were just fucking.

[B]

A rare moment.

[A]

I mean, dominating big.

[B]

Yeah, just a rare moment in history where you go, wow, that time they were. They were dominating.

[A]

They were doing good. Yeah. But were Byzantine kids even white kids?

[B]

No, there was all types.

[A]

Greeks, but Greeks, are they white? Are you white?

[B]

I don't know. I don't know.

[A]

The Germans will say no.

[B]

Yeah, the Germans say no.

[A]

Yes, we would like to say no.

[B]

No. Yeah. We were enslaved for 400 years by the Ottomans.

[A]

By the Ottomans. Who. We're going to talk about these fucking dirty.

[B]

Those Turks.

[A]

Yeah, those fucking Ottomans.

[B]

Yeah. Which I have a lot of genes. I have a lot of those. G. I did my 23, me. And unfortunately I have some Turk in me. So those are what you call non consensual genes.

[A]

That's what we like to call. That's what we like to call the rape gene. And we got a walker. There you go. And they said, you know what? And that's my cue.

[B]

That's my.

[A]

A walker.

[B]

Right when they said the rape gene. I'm out of here.

[A]

We're out of here.

[B]

Yeah. Unfortunately, that's what happened. Unfortunately. It's what it is.

[A]

It's what it is. But Empress Theodora, Empress Theodora was actually a darker kid from North African. Absolutely.

[B]

They think she was born in Syria. They think maybe or Cyprus or maybe North Africa. But she was dark and she was a smoke show. Absolutely.

[A]

And this is the real. Better than Cleopatra.

[B]

Yeah, she gets all the credit.

[A]

Cleopatra gets all the credit. But Empress Theodora, when we're going to tell you about her, is much better. It's like how Edison, Thomas Edison gets all the credit, but Nikola Tesla was the brains. Empress Theodora was like Nikolai Tesla. She was the fucking boobs.

[B]

More people need to talk about it. Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

As far as feminist icons, she was probably the first one and one of the biggest ones.

[A]

She was Kim Kardashian. She was, you know, Taylor Swift. She was. She was Caitlyn Jenner.

[B]

She was Caitlyn Jenner.

[A]

She was it. She was Leah Thomas from Penn swim team.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She was the feminist icon.

[B]

She was a feminist.

[A]

She was. She was just an absolute beauty queen. Sam Smith.

[B]

Hillary Clinton. Yeah.

[A]

Hillary Clinton's Shoulder pads.

[B]

Yeah, she was.

[A]

She was good to go. I. Now we finally got the girlfriend laughing. The girlfriend giggled at that. I. Thank you. Well, yes. Good for you. Thank you, ma'am. Welcome to the show.

[B]

Yeah, welcome to the show.

[A]

I mean, it's funny that there's just two empty seats in the front row. I mean, what happened to these kids?

[B]

Yeah, those kids.

[A]

Because those kids definitely bought seats that just didn't show up.

[B]

They didn't show. We saw. The whole front was sold. So those two are supposed to be here, and they just didn't make it. They could have been Mexican kids who got scooped up.

[A]

They could have. They could have been Mexican kids who got scooped up. Or they could have accidentally went to the Howard Theater because we've been joking about and just got killed outside.

[B]

Yeah, but it could happen as well.

[A]

That's also.

[B]

Yeah, it's also a possibility. Or they could have just assumed we were going to cancel it.

[A]

Yeah. They may have not shown up.

[B]

There's people here who flew here. Where Jesse told us there was messages. Don't cancel. We flew here. Make no mistake. We were gonna cancel it, but we did this for you.

[A]

Yeah. Who. Who flew here? Anybody? You flew here from where? From Houston. Wow. Where I may or may not have blown a guy.

[B]

Do you know a guy with a wig? You know the guy with a wig with hairy knuckles?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Let's talk about Empress Theodora.

[B]

So she was.

[A]

Was hot. She was North African.

[B]

She was. She was a p. She was a piece. So this is a rags to riches story, unlike any in history. She's the only toot we tried to look for any other toot who rose up through the ranks like her. We couldn't find anyone. All we got is Stormy Daniels.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

Stormy Daniels was the only one. I mean, this kid came back too quick. He did a little bit of blow.

[B]

Yeah, he did a little blow.

[A]

The only real answer. Yeah, that was too quick. You have to get rid of some glue. I mean, the kid went. Went back and jerked off. It's what it is.

[B]

Sometimes you got to get the demon seat out, so I get it.

[A]

Yeah. So Stormy Daniels is the only toot in history that we found that got as high as Empress Theodore.

[B]

Yeah. And look at the drop off. Empress Theodora, most powerful woman in the world at that time. And then the next best thing is Stormy Daniels.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That's a big fall off. So basically we're out here saying, like, if you're to dream bigger, you know.

[A]

Yeah, go for it do more. If you're. If you're a tude out there and you want to get to the top, you got to make a sex tape. That was Empress Theodore's big problem. No sex.

[B]

No sex tape. Yeah, but Empress.

[A]

Well, maybe she did. I don't know.

[B]

We had maybe that. Maybe the equivalent of the time like she had someone watch her get fucked. And then she said, just remember this and tell someone.

[A]

Yeah. She said, can you just. Can you just. Can you just sketch this on a cave wall?

[B]

Just sketch this down and give it to the press.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Which is just basically word of mouth. That's possible.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So let's. I want to learn about her.

[B]

Yeah. Empress Theodora. This is one of my favorite, actually, because I didn't know about this broad. I had no idea. She was born as like a lowly daughter of a elephant trainer at the Hippodrome, which is basically the Coliseum of Constantinople in the Eastern Roman empire in the 500s. So this kid was just training elephants because at the Hippodrome they used to have chariot fights and races and elephant fights and all types of shit. Her father ends up gets getting stepped on by an elephant.

[A]

The kid got stepped on by an elephant?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Was that elephant from Akash Singh wedding?

[B]

Yes. Yeah, it was.

[A]

I mean, Indian kids love having elephants at their wedding because. Is there an Indian kid out here?

[B]

Yeah. If you go to the zoo and you see no elephants, there's. There's an Indian wedding happening in your city.

[A]

Yeah. Just know every time you go to a zoo, when you see an elephant, there's an Indian father going, that would be good for my daughter. Right. Have you.

[B]

Right.

[A]

She knows. See my. I love Indian people.

[B]

Indian people. I love the best weddings. It made me so insecure when I saw an Indian wedding. About my wedding, like, yeah. Everyone was come like the bride and groom come out to like pump, pump it up. And that's all we do. They come out on fucking elephants.

[A]

They mean business on fucking elephants. I mean, this Show Tonight's got 600 people in it. This would be just the groom side of an Indian wedding.

[B]

That's right. Right.

[A]

That's just what it is.

[B]

Yeah. It's like 14, 000 people at their wedding.

[A]

There's so many people in India. It's wild.

[B]

And 14, 000 people is probably 0.000000,0001% of the population.

[A]

Yeah, 14. 14,000 people in India is just somebody's studio apartment.

[B]

Yeah, that's It. It really is just what it is.

[A]

We're just hanging out.

[B]

There's a lot of Indians.

[A]

Yeah, there's a lot of Indians.

[B]

Yeah, there's a lot of them. Yeah.

[A]

And I could tell that the girlfriend is loosening up. She's starting to laugh.

[B]

She's having a time.

[A]

I saw it go like this.

[B]

Yeah. Once we started taxing, she's on board.

[A]

Yeah. Some people don't want to laugh because they're like, what if my job's watching?

[B]

Yeah. And. And they're not. Trust me.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And Vincent Van Gogh is a creep.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean guy, he's kind of just looking at the tables and. Because most redheaded people are mistakes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm just kidding around. That was just a joke.

[B]

And the kid next to him has earrings in both ears, cuz.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I haven't seen that in a long time.

[A]

Yeah. Oh yeah, right. Yeah, yeah. And the kid next to him has got at the very same time.

[B]

That's a girl, cuz that's not a kid.

[A]

No. But the kid to the right of the Vincent Van. No. Has these. Kid right here. He's one of these kids that. He has a lot of hair and a little hair at the same time. He's got a receding hairline.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But he looks.

[B]

You should just get hair tits, cuz.

[A]

But he does look jacked and cute.

[B]

Yeah, he looks like a cute kid.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. But let's talk about Empress Theodora.

[B]

Theodora.

[A]

So with 525 A.D. she's a North African beauty. She's fucking smoke show. She's the Leah Thomas of her time. Her father's an elephant trainer. Stepped. He gets killed and stepped on by Akash Singh's elephant. The kid's dead now.

[B]

What? Yeah. So he gets stepped on. She now the family's like going into poverty. Her mother was an actress. Now back then, actress just meant prostitutes.

[A]

What it meant.

[B]

It's hard to understand in our day because we worship our actors and actresses. Back then, being an actress was considered like a lowly peasant job.

[A]

Right?

[B]

They were. And they had to toot themselves in order to make a buck, which makes kind of what they're going back to now.

[A]

They are going back to now. If these actresses, they better fucking start a podcast or it's back to.

[B]

It's just. You're gonna have to toot. That's.

[A]

Yeah. So it is funny that. Yeah. At that time, you know, the acting was just like Giannis said, a very lowly profession. And this is what they would go. Go out and do plays. Just like we're doing plays here, and then in the middle of the play, for no reason, they would just. With somebody.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it would be like if we're doing a podcast and then out of nowhere, Giannis's brother just comes out and fucks me.

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

That would be what the equivalent of Empress Theodore's acting was at that time.

[B]

Right. I don't think that's exactly true, but I'm gonna go with it and stick with it.

[A]

Yeah. It's just what it is. Yeah. I really have a goal in my life because I've told you this before. I want to go the first 50 years of my life straight, the last 50 gay. And I really just want, just for a goof, I would love for Giannis to just one day get a text message at 3:00 in the morning and it's me and his brother in bed taking a self. That's what I really am hoping for. But his brother, I've tried at his wedding, I've tried multiple times. And his brother's just not into me. I'm not his brother's type. He just looks at me like a lowly peasant piece of shit. As he should.

[B]

No, when. When you came over to my engagement party and you met my brother, he looked at you and he thought you were there to fix the air conditioner.

[A]

Yeah, he did. He pointed me towards the back and he said it. He said, the air conditioner one needs to be serviced. And then at the engagement party, just for a laugh, I ripped the fart heart. And it got big laughs. Except for from his brother. Yeah, his brother thought it was repulsive.

[B]

Yeah. My brother and her would get along swimmingly.

[A]

Yes. Yes, his brother, where I'm sleeping at, you know, he's got a two bedroom place, but the second bedroom only has a pull out couch. And his brother told him, Chris is not allowed to pull out the couch. He has to sleep on the outside of the couch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that's just what it is. And listen. But it's true, because if he let me pull out that couch, I would fart deep into that couch. And he doesn't want that.

[B]

Here's the truth. I'm not sure he knows you're in there.

[A]

Yikes. I didn't tell him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So unfortunately, I'm gonna have to sleep over somebody's house. I wanna get comfy, wumpy in your guy's sheets.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Could you imagine, ma'am, if he was like, hey, could Chris just come sleep over And I'll sleep head to toe. And you woke up and me with my mouth guard was just having a drooling on your feet, sniffing your feet. Let's talk about Empress Theodora. Look at this girl's sweater. She looks like a burglar from the 1920s.

[B]

Yeah, look at that. That.

[A]

But it looks cute. Cute, cute.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that's the first time the Mexican kid got a laugh because I don't.

[B]

Think he speaks English. I don't think so. I think he's actually hiding in here.

[A]

Yeah, that's just. Yes, that's what it is.

[B]

He's just. I think he's not going to leave the theater.

[A]

Well, that is. Guys, if you are someone who's on the run from the Trump administration, this is the safest place to be because you got friends in here.

[B]

Yeah. You do?

[A]

Yeah. The Trump administration is not going to come in here looking for problems. They're looking for fun in here. It. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead, Giannis. This is kidding around.

[B]

No, this is wild that we're here.

[A]

I'm actually Canadian. I didn't even vote. We got another walker and we got two. They're out here.

[B]

Kid's just going to take a piss.

[A]

Yeah. All right, go ahead.

[B]

So Empress Theodora.

[A]

Tell me about it.

[B]

She is born in the 20s. In the 50th.

[A]

No, 525. 8. Your father got stepped on by an elephant.

[B]

So that's where we are.

[A]

So she's an actress, and now what?

[B]

So her mom was an actress. She decides she's gonna be an actress. And they don't. They don't start you while they're doing the play. That's not how it happens.

[A]

But I just like to. I like to just add a little.

[B]

Yeah, that's good. So during the play, they start.

[A]

Not kids.

[B]

No, not kids. No, no. Kids, meaning people.

[A]

Right.

[B]

In the slang way.

[A]

Yeah. They weren't Democrats.

[B]

Well, actually, I think.

[A]

That was a character piece.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That was Patrick Mulrooney. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Actually, I think back then, technically, they probably were.

[A]

It's. It H. Unfortunately.

[B]

Unfortunately.

[A]

Unfortunately, it happened, and it's slks. There's nothing we could do about it.

[B]

No, it was bad and it's not good and don't do it. But back then they just thought it was okay.

[A]

Nothing you can do.

[B]

And that's. Yeah, it's just the way that.

[A]

It's the way that cookie crumbled back then.

[B]

Crumbled that way. It's just the truth. Bader Ginsburg. It's just. It's The. What happened?

[A]

I'm sorry about it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But let's talk.

[B]

We're sorry.

[A]

We are sorry.

[B]

We're sorry for that.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

It's not bad. We should all be sorry for that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So she becomes a prostitute. She works at a brothel, but she's smart, she's charismatic.

[A]

Oh, welcome to the show.

[B]

There she is. We were. We. We were trying to figure out whose seat that was.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, another absolute smoke show. Another absolutely gorgeous woman because she looks like Empress Theodora. She do.

[B]

Look, just came back.

[A]

Back. Are you here alone? Oh, my God. Are you a fan of the history hyenas? Oh, my God. Yeah. We just got. What?

[B]

Unfortunately.

[A]

Why were you late? Oh, she came from another seat.

[B]

Smart screw.

[A]

Very smart. Screwed.

[B]

Screwed in.

[A]

See, this girl's the definition of screwed in. And she does look like Empress Theodora. And she is a piece. And if I wasn't recently engaged, I would find. Take a swing.

[B]

Yeah. And she.

[A]

But I can't do it. I'm just gonna have to go back to your brother's room and jerk off on the pullout couch.

[B]

That's just all you could do.

[A]

That's just what my life is gonna have to be. I'm gonna have to go back, suck it up, jerk off on your brother's pull out couch. Or maybe if it's okay, get a happy ending.

[B]

That's. Listen, I haven't porked my wife in like a year. Just. Just deal with it. I can't even get to her. There's kids toys just all around her.

[A]

That's what happens.

[B]

And anytime I try to get near, I just stub my toe on a bluey doll.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's my life.

[A]

Yeah. Last time I had sex in my girl, I had a Moana doll in my ass.

[B]

Yeah, it's just. Just. I just want to pork my wife.

[A]

Yeah, I know, cuz. And I'm going to.

[B]

Either that I'm going to put a wig on my hand.

[A]

Yeah, put a wig on your hand. And it like. Maura.

[B]

Yeah. Or just. I'll do the voice while I'm doing it going. That's it. This is me now. You with me? This had nothing to do with you.

[A]

Yeah, that's it.

[B]

This is my hand. You like that?

[A]

You like that? Or I could just send in the real Maurice to TT Cherry to give you a real blowing. Yeah, that I could do that. She has no teeth. I. Empress Theodora Sit in is a smoke show.

[B]

And it's hard to take.

[A]

And it's hard to take it. I'm just gonna look this way because.

[B]

The whole front row is full of smoke shows.

[A]

Everybody's gorgeous. The guys and the girls. I mean, guys. No, for an older kid, you tell me this guy doesn't look good.

[B]

No, he looks pretty good.

[A]

It's like Richard Gere if he was a lesbian.

[B]

Yeah. But absolute smoke shows. Look at this girl. Yeah.

[A]

Beautiful.

[B]

This guy's got his chain out hard.

[A]

Yeah, look at that. That's.

[B]

That. He's a chain out guy.

[A]

That's the Mexican kid.

[B]

No, the guy in the second row. Chicken wire right there. Look at that dick chain right there.

[A]

Well, the, the, the fitness team from ucf. I mean, that they're Jack kids. The girl in the. In the burglar sweat is gorgeous.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Everybody's a hottie with a body. Boom. Body. We're ugly kids.

[B]

Yeah. It gets like more ugly as you go back, you know, It's.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

All the good looking people, like, got the more money and then it just gets poorer and uglier.

[A]

Yeah, we're sorry. We're sorry, ma'am, that you were sitting with those people back.

[B]

Yeah, that's what it was.

[A]

All right, so let's talk about Empress Theodore.

[B]

Yeah, well, she' that's crazy. She came in and she looks like her. She's a smoke show. So this chick was a smoke show. She was funny, she was smart. She ends up somehow becoming the mistress of some governor. Goes to North Africa, he abuses her. He's not a cool kid.

[A]

He beats the shit out.

[B]

He kind of. It's like Chris Brown, you know. It's not good.

[A]

Yes. Yeah, it's not good. But he is talented.

[B]

Yeah. You know, there's nothing you could do about the talent, unfortunately.

[A]

It's just talent for me supersedes everything. It's fucked up what he did, but it is. It, you know, it's like Michael Jackson. It's like, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, a couple of kids got eaten, but the kid can dance.

[B]

Yeah, he could dance. Like, would you feed him kid tokens just to make Billie Jean? I think I might. You know. Listen, dude, kid tokens, whatever it is, I need that song in my life.

[A]

Yeah, it's what it is. Arts, you know, Art is forever.

[B]

Art is forever.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I. Yeah, it's just what it is.

[B]

That kid's trauma will only last his lifetime.

[A]

It. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's a trade off. Sometimes you got to. You got to break eggs to make omelets. And that's just what it is.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, dude, you'll talk About Michael Jackson forever. I mean, you know, it's just. The kid's gonna. It's what it is. Sorry, that was.

[B]

We don't believe any of this stuff that's.

[A]

That's on Patreon.

[B]

It's going to be on Patreon. Not supp.

[A]

That's just what I love about the live show is. Is. Is if this was.

[B]

We were doing this, we can't take it back. And there's witnesses.

[A]

Yeah. And I keep. I keep forgetting because if we were in the studio, I would just say something wild to get my juices flowing and Yana's juices flowing and then we edit out. But I forgot there's 600 people.

[B]

There's witnesses, so.

[A]

But I. But I hope that you guys are okay with us just going through a process.

[B]

This.

[A]

Thank you. This is also only our second live show.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

This also our second live show, so. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what about Empress Theodora? What are we up to?

[B]

I like the way you were trying to squiggle out of you saying that Michael Jackson since kids that he diddled is worth it.

[A]

Yeah. And it's. I gotta be honest with you, since that joke, my back is sweating. The top of my ass crack is like a splish splash right now. Because that was a bomb. And that was also a lawsuit.

[B]

Yeah. We don't believe what we say. Yeah, we don't believe, but we don't believe.

[A]

We say. We have the chat. GPT, Celeste.

[B]

Yeah. And listen, he might have did it. He might have not. We don't.

[A]

He might have not. But it's not about him.

[B]

Either way, Billy Jean is here.

[A]

It's not my door.

[B]

We have it.

[A]

She's at my door.

[B]

Yeah. So she comes back from North Africa, not Billie Jean.

[A]

Empress Theodore.

[B]

Empress Theodora comes back. She's not empress yet. She comes back to Constantine. She's just Toot.

[A]

Theodora.

[B]

She's just. She's former toot at this time.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

She's former toot. She's not a toot anymore. She was with the governor. She was one of his concubines. Mistress. He kind of slapped her around a little bit. She was like, you know what? I need God. So she went and she became very religious. She comes back, back to Constant.

[A]

What religion?

[B]

Christianity.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Love all religions, but. Yeah, I do love all religions.

[B]

At this time, it was still called Constantinople. But make no mistake, the muzzies are coming.

[A]

Yes. On the march, girl.

[B]

They're gonna take it very soon. They're on the march. It will become Istanbul. And it's just a rivalry that's. It's like the Red Sox, Yankees, it just keeps going.

[A]

Muzzies versus Christian, muzzies versus Christians. It's a fucking all timer every. Every year after year after year.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

You can count on that.

[B]

It's a legendary matchup. It's like the Celtics, Lakers, you just can't get enough of it.

[A]

And unfortunately, the super bowl fireworks, usually that's a way shot she had. But the Muzzy woman's laughing, so. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. Yeah, that's patreon.com history hyenas. Yeah, and I'm sorry, but.

[B]

Cause I didn't see that one coming at all. Yeah, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

[A]

Yeah, it came at you like October 7th. Yeah, it's what it is, cuz. But we're just around.

[B]

We're just around.

[A]

We're having a Muslim. The Muslim woman laughed.

[B]

Yeah, she laughed. Yeah, but that's okay.

[A]

That's what it is. Yeah, she's okay.

[B]

Giannis didn't say that. Chris said that. Wouldn't you?

[A]

Yeah, that's what it is. Well, no, not one of us said it. Patrick Mulroney.

[B]

Yeah, but when she goes back and tells a family and then a family tells other family and then they blow your house up. It was Chris DiStefano who said that.

[A]

Yeah, it was. It was me that. Yeah, right.

[B]

No, Good call. Yeah.

[A]

So I told you though, I do love I you, I mean, ma'am, you know, I love Middle Eastern women. I call them Puerto Ricans without the problems.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So I love it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes, I love them. So you know that I'd be in if you would let me within five feet of you. I would like, but I know that I'm legally not allowed to go near you because I am swine. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you not allowed to have that?

[B]

Are you really Muzzy or you just freezing cold?

[A]

Really?

[B]

Thank you for being here.

[A]

Thank you for being here. I appreciate it. Thank you so much.

[B]

We love you. We love you so much.

[A]

We really do.

[B]

We love you so much.

[A]

Thank you. And you are a fan of the history hyenas. See, there you go. We get them. We get them everywhere. People try to pigeonhole us. You can't. Yeah, we get them every. We are the healing.

[B]

I got a good friend who's Muslim. Do you have to praise is. You need a rug.

[A]

See, now you.

[B]

No, I'm being serious.

[A]

Yeah, See, now Giannis is in the hot seat.

[B]

Now I'm in the Hot seat.

[A]

Yeah, see, See?

[B]

No, I got a friend and we're just. We'll just be hanging, having lunch, and he'll just be like, I got to go back. And he'll just. We'll be at a restaurant. He'll just roll out a rug.

[A]

Yeah, that's what he does.

[B]

He just does it.

[A]

But that's what they want to do. You know what I call that? That kid's got good hip flexibility. He likes the core strength. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's what. It's what happens, happens.

[A]

Yeah, I.

[B]

So the Muslims haven't showed up on the picture yet, but they will. And they're going to take Constantinople.

[A]

They are going to take.

[B]

That comes later. At this point, it's still Christie. It's still Chrissy, right?

[A]

It's Christian. It's still Chris Stanton.

[B]

It's still Chris.

[A]

Chrissy Santino.

[B]

Chrissy Stanton.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Chris Stantonople. Yeah, yeah. And then. And. Yeah, and. And then the muzzies come back and.

[A]

This city is called.

[B]

It's Constantinople. Yeah. So she comes back, she gets a job, and then she meets.

[A]

She gets a job.

[B]

She gets a job.

[A]

Not as a two.

[B]

No, she's a working girl now. She's like Griffin. She's coming in on the Staten island doing. She's doing secretary work.

[A]

She's doing.

[B]

She's a working girl. She works hard for the money.

[A]

So hard for it, honey. Hard for the money. So you better treat her right. You better vote to the right. It's a character piece.

[B]

It's a character piece. Ladder 14.

[A]

Yeah, this gets redundant.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, you guys get it, but.

[A]

You guys get it, but we're just gonna keep giving you a performance.

[B]

We're giving you a performance. We're doing a skit here. Yeah, you're doing a skit.

[A]

Schmitty.

[B]

Yeah, Schmitty told me. He said, listen, it is what it is, you know, big guys getting in. Yeah, we're gonna go down and see Yanni and Chrissy, but we gotta. We gotta go just stand and get good seats for the inauguration.

[A]

Yeah, they want to get good seats for inauguration. And they would have come down here, but the Mets tickets went on sale today, so they got away.

[B]

They had to go back. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Cuz I got to see the Medis.

[B]

You got to see the match they're playing. All right, so.

[A]

So where are we?

[B]

Theodora?

[A]

That's what we're talking about.

[B]

We're talking about this broad. So he.

[A]

She.

[B]

Justinian, who's the nephew of the emperor at the time, and the emperor's name was Justin, which is wild because you.

[A]

Got names like Justinian and Theodora and then Just a kid named Justin.

[B]

Yeah, just a kid named Justin.

[A]

It's like. Yeah, it's the emperor. His name's Mike.

[B]

Yeah, it might have just been Matt. Yeah, it's just American name.

[A]

Yeah, kid's just name is Michael Hanlon. He's the emperor Constantinople in 500 A.D. yeah.

[B]

And his nephew's name was Justinian, which probably means his nephew might have been a black kid.

[A]

That's what it is. That's it.

[B]

Yeah. Justinian.

[A]

Justin versus Justinian. That's just. Yeah, black kids.

[B]

Nobody has funner with names. And black kids, I mean they got the best names.

[A]

The most fun names.

[B]

I grew up with a kid, two kids. They were brothers. Their parents named them wise and science.

[A]

That's what it is great fucking.

[B]

Those are their kids. And I gotta tell you, neither one of those kids were wise or knew anything about science. Yeah, but their names were great.

[A]

Best names.

[B]

Yes name.

[A]

So Justinian is the black, is a. Is a black kid, but he's not black.

[B]

He's not black.

[A]

Justinian has got a. Justinian is a white kid, but he's acting black. We'll call him Andrew Schultz.

[B]

Andrew Schultz.

[A]

He's got a.

[B]

He's got a great name. Just got a great name. Justinian. So Emperor Justin, who also Justin was his uncle and was emperor and he rose up through the military. He comes from a very humble beginnings too. He was a peasant, but he was a good fighter. He was a good fight, good fighter. And so he rose up and when the other emperor died, he took control and he has a good reign. And then his nephew is Justinian. Now before Justinian becomes emperor, he fucking runs into Theodora at a wet market.

[A]

Oh, is that really where he ran into it?

[B]

I just made that up.

[A]

Oh, sorry. Oh, you're making a Covid.

[B]

I'm making. Make it a coverage. I don't know, I just thought they met somewhere and the kid was just infatuated.

[A]

He probably met at a well.

[B]

They maybe met at a well at that time.

[A]

Right? You just meet at a water.

[B]

Yeah, maybe that's Smithtown Water. Yeah, they went to Smithtown Water Well. Yeah, they met somewhere. I don't know where they met.

[A]

But the kid Justinian meets Theodora. Now Justinian's at a top ranked guys, met a lot of beautiful women, but is on the floor rolling around. He can't handle. Can't handle how hot Theodore.

[B]

He's going, this chick is for Constantinople. Yes, I need her.

[A]

I need her now.

[B]

She is for constant, and she knows it.

[A]

Theodora knows it. Theodore knows. She's just a sex monkey.

[B]

She's also smart and funny, and she's just got the full package. She's a survivor. She's rose up from being a prostitute, and she knows. She somehow dated a governor. She meets this dude. He's gonna be emperor. She smells it. She knows. She fucking seduces him because she's great. He can't take it, and he knows he's gonna be emperor. And he's like, I'm gonna marry you one day. And she's gone. But you can't marry me because people who are at the Senate level can't marry toots. And he says, guess what? When I become emperor, I'm gonna change that.

[A]

He goes, yes, I can. My name's Hunter Biden.

[B]

Yeah. I could do whatever I want. I could do whatever I want. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Yeah. So it's not for everybody.

[B]

Yeah. So Justinian gets in power, right? And his aunt, who was Justin's wife, okay, is like, you can't marry this chick. She's a toot. But here's the catch, Justin. His uncle's wife was also a toot.

[A]

Fucking toot. So look at that. The apple doesn't fall far from the toot.

[B]

Yeah. No. If that ain't the pot calling the kettle toot, I don't know what is.

[A]

It's what it is because it's just you merely spirit. That's what it is. Being a human being. You want. You know, you want what's comfy one feet to you. You want to be kind of like what you grow up around. You want to be close. That. That's why I don't like doing comedy. I want to work in a post office.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. You don't want to do.

[A]

That's what I come from.

[B]

And that's why you married a Puerto Rican girl, because you're. You grew up in a Puerto Rican house.

[A]

I grew up in a Puerto Rican household. Yeah. My aunt and. And my. My uncle, they were. You know, my uncle was Puerto Rican. God rest his soul. He's. He's buried now. We got cremated, and he's in a can of cattle. A show in my house, That's a true story, but it's just a goof.

[B]

That'd be funny if you requested to put them in a. Yeah.

[A]

You know, what's happening in this show is the laughs are getting stronger from certain people, and then certain people are looking at their Watches.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because, again, this isn't for everybody. But, you know, what if I just. I want the people who really want to be here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're.

[B]

I think everyone. Yeah, I think everyone wants to be here. Here.

[A]

We love you, too.

[B]

Love you.

[A]

All right, so where are we?

[B]

So he's like, I'm gonna marry her. And his aunt's like, you can't marry her. She's a toot. He goes, but you're a fucking toot. And she goes, good point. I'm a toot.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

So. Good point. So what he does is he gets it. He becomes emperor. He changes the law. He marries Theodora. She becomes an empress that rules with him, which is unprecedented. She signs everything. They go on conquer North Africa. They reconquer Spain. They create the civil code. Code that is now used by every nation in the world.

[A]

And what is it? What was the civil code?

[B]

It's like, you got rights, and it's what it is.

[A]

Used by every country in the world.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Except China.

[B]

Except China and a couple other ones.

[A]

Yeah. There's just a few that they don't have rights. But here, we have rights.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, Venezuela said it wants to attack Puerto Rico.

[A]

That's pretty wild. Because if Venezuela attacks Puerto Rico, they're gonna have to fight me.

[B]

Yeah, they're gonna have to get through yours.

[A]

I defend Puerto Ricans. My whole family's Puerto Rican.

[B]

We're going down. There were fight.

[A]

And these. If Venezuela wants to attack Puerto Rico, they better be prepared to get hit with chunkas.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. That's what's going to happen.

[A]

We will fire chunkletas at them like they can't imagine.

[B]

That's fun. If you do attack the island of Puerto Rico, you just see a Salvador.

[A]

Coming out, and they're going to get a dough ball thrown in their eyes.

[B]

And just a bunch of angry Puerto Rican women just running at them.

[A]

Yeah. If these Venezuelans are not going to know what they're going to get shot to death while the soldiers are holding their bait babies. And we got another walker.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Kids just walking out. Yeah. It's moving the vegetables, kids. Moving the vegetables. So are you with Colleen? We can hear that. Yeah, we can. That's a. She's moving the vegetables.

[B]

She's moving the vegetables.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what about Empress Theodore?

[B]

So she becomes empress, and then she's like, the first feminist. She puts all these laws into motion that protect women. No more forced prostitution, no more human trafficking, halfway houses for women, dowry rights for women. Because it used to be that you married a woman, and then the woman's father would just have to pay you a dowry. Wow. And then you could leave that woman and you just keep the dowry.

[A]

So it was not good for women.

[B]

No, it wasn't a good time to be a lady.

[A]

Nobody. I don't think many people were going biological, male, trans back then.

[B]

No. I don't think it was possible.

[A]

They weren't doing that because it wasn't. Wasn't. It wasn't good for them.

[B]

No.

[A]

You. You didn't want to go become a woman. If you were a man back then, you wouldn't want to become a woman.

[B]

No.

[A]

Even if he felt like you were a woman trapped inside a man's body.

[B]

You would just stay a man. For the rights.

[A]

Yes, for the rights. Because you don't want to be a woman. It wasn't good.

[B]

Yeah. It wasn't a good time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But, yeah, now it's a. Now it's a good time.

[A]

Now you want to be a woman.

[B]

Yeah. I think that, you know, I think that's what, you know, actually, Bruce Jenner, what he did was he. Remember, he killed. I think he killed a guy with his car.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. And then he transitioned into Caitlyn and said, I didn't kill anyone in the car. That was.

[A]

That was Bruce. Bruce.

[B]

That's a good way to get away from.

[A]

Yeah. And it's like. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's like that was. Bruce doesn't exist. Who you looking for? That's. Don't misgender me.

[A]

That wasn't exactly. I didn't know you were a homophobe.

[B]

I didn't know you were homophobe. I didn't. That wasn't me. That person doesn't exist.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So. Yeah, that's a possibility.

[A]

Yeah. Bruce Jenner also, he's. He's just trans. He's not gay. He says he's.

[B]

Yeah, he's not. That's why I think he's not really trans. I think he just did it to get away with murder.

[A]

Murderer. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which is. I got to be honest, because I would do the same thing.

[B]

It's a good move.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a real tricky move.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like. Yeah, it's.

[A]

It's fun.

[B]

Yeah. If we kill a guy tonight, we'll just become the. The sitcom bosom buddies after this.

[A]

Go harder. Go home. Yeah, that's what he did.

[B]

We would. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. That's a harder.

[B]

Go home. He went. Yeah. And he. He. Or go trance.

[A]

Yeah, go. Yeah.

[B]

Go hard. Go home or go trance.

[A]

That's what it is. And that's what he did at all.

[B]

Yeah, he transitioned. So she sets up all these rights for women, and women have a good.

[A]

Go at it because she's like a Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Or for time, she is just like if Ruth Gator Ginsburg was a prostitute.

[B]

Yeah. Now here's the thing.

[A]

Setting up rights for women. It's a beautiful thing.

[B]

Yeah. She's Hillary.

[A]

She is.

[B]

She was Hillary at the time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then there's a civil war that happens. A riot breaks out. It's called the. The Nika Riots.

[A]

What was it called?

[B]

The.

[A]

The Nika Riots.

[B]

I.

[A]

Because you were close on that one. So just. You want to slow that down and not lay that one on me. You didn't run that one by me in the green room because I just got nervous.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Holy balls, did. I think I heard something else and I got nervous. And the girlfriend is not laughing.

[B]

No, she's not into that. Oh, it's actually called the Nika. I should say Nike.

[A]

Nike.

[B]

Should I just be safe and call it Nike? It's actually called N I, K I N I K A.

[A]

The Nika Riots.

[B]

Whoa. Yeah, sorry. It's too close.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, I got a joke, but I don't know if I could say it.

[B]

Do it.

[A]

No. Okay, fine.

[B]

Are you talking about.

[A]

All right, fine, fine, fine. Fight. Imagine if it was in France. It would be called the Nikas in Paris.

[B]

I think that was actually the song. The original version of the song.

[A]

Sorry. Okay, so it's Nika.

[B]

Na. The Na.

[A]

The Nika Riots.

[B]

Nika or Nika Riots.

[A]

The Nika Riots.

[B]

Nika riots. Like 30,000 people rise up.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, they. They. These. These fighting factions in the Hippodrome that were chariot racers. So it's basically like a Fast and the Furious movie, right? They. They unite and that. They. Not their pronouns. It's a bunch of them. Right, Right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's not one person.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Yeah. So they all unite, right? And they want to. They want to depose Justinian. And he. This is when you kind of see that he's maybe not a strong guy, and so he's like. He's like, fuck it. Let's get out of here. Let's just flee. I'm scared. I don't want to do this.

[A]

He just wants out. He was scared of the Nikas.

[B]

You're right on the line, cuz.

[A]

No, but I'm not. Yeah, you're putting things in my. Your head. No, you don't put that on me.

[B]

No, yeah, it was. It was scared of the Nica riot. You're right. Yeah, yeah, he was scared of. Actually, the.

[A]

All right, how about this? We'll make it easier.

[B]

He's.

[A]

Nika turtles.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, he's scared of the Nika turtles. Yeah, he's scared.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Yeah. So what happened? He was scared. He's like, let's flee. Let's get out of here. They're coming. Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So the Nico rebellion's coming.

[A]

They're. They're. The Nico rebellion.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Neighborhood.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I'm just.

[B]

Yeah, it's just a character piece.

[A]

Well, I'm talking about the Nika turtles.

[B]

Just need you. Nika turtles are there.

[A]

That's what. They're coming out of the sewers.

[B]

They're coming out of the sewers.

[A]

Yeah, that's all they're doing. Karate.

[B]

Karate.

[A]

Pizza.

[B]

Yeah, it's Michel.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's four of them. They got mats on.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. So the Nique Rebellion's happening. Like, let's just get out of here. We don't want to deal with.

[A]

Justinian. Wants to leave.

[B]

He wants to leave.

[A]

Talk about ucf.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's like, we got to go back to campus.

[B]

Yeah, he's.

[A]

He. And then, I mean, people are just leaving.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, I think. I think actually they are leaving.

[A]

No, they. They are walking away.

[B]

Yeah, they are walking away. Maybe they just didn't know what they were getting.

[A]

But our Muslim friend is still here because Allah has willed it.

[B]

Yes. She's willed it. He's sticking it out.

[A]

Yeah, she's sticking it out.

[B]

Yeah. The people who leaving are like, all right, we got what we needed for the report. Let's leave.

[A]

That's what it is. Yeah. They're like, they. Oh, yeah, this will be the article on Monday.

[B]

It's not gonna. We got what we needed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So at this point, she gives a speech where she.

[A]

Empress Theodore gives.

[B]

Empress Theodora. She basically goes, you pussy. She's like, we're gonna stay here and fight. We're gonna defend this. I'd rather die an empress than live in exile. So going to fight. And somehow this galvanizes all these dudes. They stay and fight. They end up putting down the Nike Rebellion, and. And they end up executing 30,000 people.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Including the guy that they made the head of the Nike Rebellion.

[A]

Right. Colin Kaepernick.

[B]

Colin, yeah, that's right.

[A]

He's down on one knee.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. So that guy. That guy became.

[A]

Yeah, that.

[B]

He became the head of the rebellion, like. And he didn't really want it, but they made him. He was the nephew of the previous empire emperor.

[A]

Yeah, he did. He's a businessman.

[B]

Yeah. And then so he ends up getting killed too.

[A]

He got. Unfortunately got killed too.

[B]

Killed everybody. And then she died of breast cancer eventually. Emperor.

[A]

Breast cancer.

[B]

So girls, chest check your breasts right now at the show. Just put your hands on them and find out.

[A]

Do it.

[B]

Yeah, you always got to check every couple minutes.

[A]

So wait, so but how did they know Breast cancer back to 500 A.D. how would they know?

[B]

Because I'm half making all this up, to be honest with you.

[A]

No, it. But they. That's true though.

[B]

No, they think it could have been breast cancer. I don't know why.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I don't know why. It's just what chat GPT said.

[A]

It's. Yeah. So we are the chat GPT slots. So she died and then after she dies, Justinian loses his mind. Like, this wasn't just a woman. This, this was this, this. She changed the sex must have been out of control.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, I mean that. Because that the only thing that can do that is. Is what is more powerful than a woman's vagina?

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

Truly nothing.

[B]

Nothing. And absolutely nothing.

[A]

I mean, it's just. It'll make you go crazy.

[B]

I mean, they could make a person out of a hole in their body.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you can also. It. That's pretty crazy.

[A]

Pretty awesome.

[B]

That's pretty crazy. Crazy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They can pee out of it. You can it and a person comes out.

[A]

I don't think that's. I think it's a different.

[B]

It's pretty wild. No, it all comes from the same unit. Nobody pisses out of their cuz.

[A]

Yeah, but I don't think. I don't think you're having sex with the pee hole unless you have a really tiny dick.

[B]

No.

[A]

Am I wrong on that? Empress Theodore. There are separate holes.

[B]

Yeah, there's separate holes. But when you look.

[A]

I went to ucf, so I know.

[B]

But when you're licking it, you know it's all in one. One.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's like a Swiss army knife. It's all in there.

[A]

It's all in there.

[B]

Yeah, it's multi purpose.

[A]

It's like, it's. Yeah, it's like my body wash shampoo conditioner. It's a three in one.

[B]

Yeah, it's what it is.

[A]

Yeah, it's what it is.

[B]

Did you watch when your baby came out? Because I watched and I was like, this is wild.

[A]

So the first baby I watched And I was told not to, but I did watch. And I wore my Jordan Air Force Ones because it was a big day. It was my first baby, and I got blood and puke and everything all over my shoes. So then my second baby, I just went in barefoot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I knew that. So that was much better.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But I did watch. I was there. I. I was there and I saw it, and it was.

[B]

It's pretty crazy, right?

[A]

It's pretty wild.

[B]

Going like, wow, that person just created a person. They're like human gods.

[A]

Yeah, they are.

[B]

That. They only thing we can make out of a hole in our body is a. That's it.

[A]

That's the only thing that comes out is a poopy.

[B]

We can't push anything out besides the. And bullshit comes out this way, and.

[A]

Then shit comes out that way. Well, I can do something else. I can shit out GI Joe action figures.

[B]

You could do that?

[A]

Yeah, I could do that.

[B]

Because there's. They're stuck in there.

[A]

Stuck in there. So I could shit those out with the condom on.

[B]

You know what I said? My second kid, you know, they stand there and they make you work. Like, I was holding a leg. You know, they make you work. They put you to work. You stand up there for six hours while she's in labor. There was all these nurses in there for my second kid. And at one point, my wife was complaining or whatever, and the nurses are like, that's okay. Yeah. I mean, like, I'm like, stop complaining. Fucking.

[A]

You got the epidural.

[B]

They're always complaining. Yeah, you got the epidural. Like, this is your job. Push it out.

[A]

Push it out.

[B]

That was funny. I just said, my wife is complaining or whatever, like she always does. Yeah, I gotta give birth to.

[A]

Yeah, well, she's pushing out a baby, and you're doing Marisa videos on Cameo.

[B]

I'm like, hold up. We're in the middle. That's it. I want to give a shout out to Robbie and Donald.

[A]

You're like, I gotta make money for the baby.

[B]

I gotta make money for the baby. So, yeah, she's complaining or whatever. And the nurses. The nurses said something to her. And. And then I go. I. I go. She was like. My wife was really like, I can't do this. And I was like, you're just gonna have to suck it up, babe. And all the n. And then my wife get said, what did he say? And they went, he didn't say fucking anything.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then they just turned her over in his side because, like, the nurses do all the work. The most underappreciated.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Profession.

[A]

I love our nurses.

[B]

I really do. I'm not just saying that like I had a mother in. I mean, all my family has just been taking care of nurses. And then when you have a kid, you notice that the nurses do everything. They come, they move the baby around, and then the doctor just shows up and catches the baby and hands it to the nurse.

[A]

That's what he just comes in and.

[B]

Goes, okay, that's the push. And then it comes out and then you do the rest.

[A]

Yeah, it's bullshit.

[B]

It's fucking a patriarchy. I'm not happy about.

[A]

No, but that's why we're happy to have our Patreon members here. The matriarchy. The matriarchy. And here we are at our favorite part of every episode. We do. And we're so thankful to our people who go to patreon.com historyainas and I've joined the Patreon and joined the matriarchy. And one thing we love to do is read out the funny names. At the end of every episode, we encourage people to join the Patreon. You get extra bonus content there and all that good stuff. But if you make a funny name, we read out the funniest names and then we pick a list, and then we pick the funniest winner for that week. We call them the ppw, the Pseudo Penis of the Week. And that name can be. Is up at History Hyenas is back dot com. And make no mistake, I brought some new Patreon names.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what we wanted to do here for our big live show is have you guys, based off laughter, help us pick the list.

[B]

Yeah, you guys are going to vote.

[A]

So as you know, the funny name, if it's funny, we put it on the list. If it's close, then. But it doesn't make the list. We call that a Drexler based off Clyde Drexler, who was the second greatest player ever besides Michael Jordan, and he was just in a bad era. That's what this means. If you don't make the list, you don't make the list. Then we have security. If your name is really bad and we can't even acknowledge it because you said something fucking crazy, then we just say security and you get there. And then what else do we have?

[B]

We got a chicken finger straight to the backs and chicken fingers. Chicken finger is just a good simple one. Like a chicken finger. It's good and it's simple.

[A]

Okay, so here we go. Let's Read out our newest members of the matriarchy. Thank you. Maybe you'll be in the. Maybe you're in the room tonight, maybe you're not, but thank you so much. So let's go with leading off. We got more confused than Sammy Sosa's skin color. Is that on?

[B]

It's the first one, so I'm going to put it on the list based on the reaction. This is you guys doing this, but I don't know if it's just because it's the first one.

[A]

Well, we'll see. We'll ask Nick, AKA Tom. Makes my glue gun hardy. Nope.

[B]

No, Nothing.

[A]

Come on. My hair and tits. 20, 28. Not yet.

[B]

I'm gonna Drexer that.

[A]

Drexler.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Way Sean Sheehan Weinstein AOC Sit on my face and roll dice.

[B]

Is that making it? Is that making it or is that a Drexler?

[A]

All right, all right, all right. He's on. He's on. Sherlock Fumes. Glue fro is no go for Frisbee. Shlomo. Victim of a bad read. And to be honest, if he would have just went with Sherlock fumes, he.

[B]

Would have made Sherlock Fumes.

[A]

Did it too much.

[B]

Nice chicken finger. Probably.

[A]

Then we got. I mistakenly said the N word in a Hot 97 freestyle. And I'm white. How's that on?

[B]

That's on.

[A]

Empress Theodore says yes. Girlfriend says yes.

[B]

The kid was rapping and.

[A]

Yep. And it just happens he's sorry.

[B]

Yeah, he's sorry about that.

[A]

Sorry. It's. What. What can you do?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Chrissy put his D inside of Yanni's pee and fired like Luigi. Now.

[B]

Is that security?

[A]

That's security. That's security.

[B]

Seal security.

[A]

Then we got called a cop. So he stopped stealing mobs from black owned shops. Security. We're getting out of here. We're getting out of here. Walked into one. I almost. We also have walked into one. I walked into one because these names are hard. I don't see the jokes coming sometimes till I walked into it. Your wine Stop Lake. Your wine stop Lake Norman. That might just be screwed in. Kid shouting at his wine store.

[B]

Yeah, it could be Wine store. Yeah. Screwed in. Screwed in. That's when you just put your business name and we read it and we.

[A]

Say screwed in because you got your yarmulke screwed in tight.

[B]

Yeah, it's nice and tight.

[A]

You're good at business. Father Bill can technically give parental consent. Father Bill ones are tough because we have so many.

[B]

The Father Bill, there's a lot, but that is the Most like original one. Because he's a father, he technically can give consent. I'm putting him on the list.

[A]

Yeah, put on the list. Yeah. Johnny. It's my last name, but I don't like them in my mouth.

[B]

No list. No, no, no. Drexler.

[A]

Drexler. Jackie from Texas. Gary Terrell. Then we got Snuzzy, my cousy while I play with my fuzzy no teeters. Nice, though. Zach hid my glue gun in the baby carrots. Stan's got a little dick.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Baby carrot milk, my character piece. Slow and quiet.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Tampa, Tony's son. Tampa Tony's on his knees for Kamala's Ds. Okay. Then we got Austin. I'm not saying they were right, but those Hugo Boss uniforms were tight, Risner. That's on the list?

[B]

Yeah, it's on the list. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

[A]

We got on the list.

[B]

They were nice uniforms.

[A]

They were nice. What can you do?

[B]

What can you do?

[A]

Then we got Department of Polyp Security. No. Okay, Good one, though.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then we got Right Wing Lean, still interested in Big Mike's peen Ladder 14. Are we in?

[B]

Well, the thing is, I mean, we have the hall of Famer from the other episode with Big Mike's Big Mike Peens.

[A]

So it's tough.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Unfortunately, Drexler, but great call. Then we got more beans, less franks. Latino tucking back for you, toots. Then we got intermittent fasting, but I'll make a box of black and white cookies disappear faster than the chef that got caught. Big Mike, Peg and Obama catapult. It was also a victim of a bad read.

[B]

Okay, so you got to put him.

[A]

On, but you're in.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then we got.

[B]

He's basically saying the chef died of the water because he saw. Yeah, yeah. It's just funny. It's just funny. Yeah.

[A]

Then we got FF squeak with a skinny peen ladder 14. Then we got Dahmer orders marginalized Men of Milwaukee for the table. Table. It's got layers, but it is. Might be security. It's security, but it does have layers. And it's layers because he's saying that Jeffrey Dahmer ate mostly black men.

[B]

Yeah, I think that goes. Unfortunately, it goes on the list.

[A]

Okay, it goes on the list, but.

[B]

It'S also a security.

[A]

But it is also security, and we're not. We're not condoning that.

[B]

So it's on the list, but it's being guarded.

[A]

Then we got Gandhi's cousin, aka Jay Z's type, unfortunately.

[B]

Saying Gandhi's cousin was 12 years old. Yeah.

[A]

What do we got.

[B]

It's. God, it's a goodie list. Yeah. I mean, it's not confirmed. I mean, that didn't. There's no evidence that Jay Z.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But it's funny. So it's going on the list.

[A]

Okay, so it's on the list. Then we got Frank Sinatra and Beans Martin like it. Then we got Gilberto Suarez. You want to just give him the Salsa Monkey award? You got like a really ethnic name. Then we give you his Salsa Monkey award for Mexican kids. And then there's. There's a Diner Monkey Awards for Greek kids. Sauce Monkey Awards for Italian kids. Spy Monkey Awards for Chinese kids. Just kidding.

[B]

We didn't have that till now.

[A]

Yeah, but it's just.

[B]

Oh, sorry.

[A]

I thought I heard it on the episode. Yeah. So then we got Laser beam Cuzzy. Not a muzzy.

[B]

Means Indian kid.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then we got, you know me, Parks Heavy. Sending me straight to Pyongyang. Yang I ladder my 14 till my Yanni popples. Chrissy D. Licked my pee. Call me Sandra D. Okay.

[B]

Sandra D. Is someone from the Eastern hemisphere.

[A]

Sandra D. Right. A muzzy friend.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Yep. Ff tucking my sack back because I paid John a light in the daylight to come see Father Bill with a black light. So cuz better act right. I mean, the rhyme scheme.

[B]

It's bars. I mean, the kids got bars, but.

[A]

These bars put it up for the list. Or it's a drexer.

[B]

It's a drexer.

[A]

Then we got screwed in toot with a tight poop shoot. Okay.

[B]

Type. We've had that before.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then we got. When a muzzy piece meets my fuzzy piece. I dropped a character piece. And bring peace to the Middle East.

[B]

What? Wow.

[A]

There we go.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

So that's a good one. Yes.

[B]

That's a catapult.

[A]

That's a catapult. That's our first contender.

[B]

Kid says he's gonna cure the Middle east with his dick. Yeah.

[A]

Then we got. We got win some church Bill. Glue gun. Okay. He went for it. Then we got Thomas Maloney. We'll give him the Irish.

[B]

Yeah. Kids. A potato. Yeah.

[A]

Potato monkey. Potato monkey. Then we got Big Mike. Paddle boards with chef boys.

[B]

Nd. Okay, okay, okay, okay. He tried, but the other guy was better.

[A]

Then we got average size white piece. I walked into it. His security. And that is out of here. No, thank you.

[B]

Call security. That is.

[A]

No, no, no. Nope.

[B]

Walked into one.

[A]

Sorry about that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I am the pork fister. Get ready, babe. It's going to be a twist.

[B]

Okay. It's a fun one. Drexler.

[A]

Then we got Akbar the Fuzzy Muzzy. Because my manscaped went busty.

[B]

He's fuzzy cuz his manscape broke. Okay. Drexler.

[A]

Right, Drexler.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then we got Chrissy. Want my job back. Okay. Walked into one. Walked into one. Didn't see that one coming at all. Walked into one. That's character piece.

[B]

It's scary. Yeah, he walked into one.

[A]

Then we got Lil Boner derived cunt.

[B]

Wait, what was that?

[A]

Derived cunt.

[B]

Derived cunt.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Then we got Chrissy Frank's Yanni Bean stick. Lakeside Maple in there.

[B]

Peen.

[A]

While Dan Carlin blows Ladder 14. Okay. Good one. Went for it. Then we got TSA pre cheeks.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Like pre check.

[B]

Definition of a chicken finger. That's a chicken.

[A]

And then the very next one, the guy's name is Chicken Finger for the table. So he just wants to be that.

[B]

Yeah, it's also chicken finger for him.

[A]

So then we got Anthony Rizzo shoots his jizzo on Chrissy D. And Yanni P. And then they eat it like Lizzo.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

What do we got there?

[B]

That's a catapult right there, my friend.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The inventiveness and the rhyme scheme.

[A]

Gyros fight like the Greeks. And Father Bill puts tzatziki sauce on my piece. Okay. Just a lot of Father Bills, but we get it. Yeah. Biblically accurate. Bar stool. Colonel Colin. Colonel Benjamin. No S. Faratu Lily. Loving the sasson monkeys like Chrissy D. Oh, he called Puerto Rican Sasson monkeys.

[B]

Monkeys.

[A]

That's funny. Yeah, all patty fly balls, no hog Freddy sauce.

[B]

Pretty funny, though.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

Yeah. All balls. Yeah.

[A]

Then we got this guy. Father Bill was my priest. I kind of like the guy. You like that one?

[B]

Yeah. Just when you think the Father Bills are done, put them on the list. I mean, he's not gonna win, but it's funny.

[A]

Father Bill, if you guys don't know, was a priest that I talked about that I, you know, grew up with and went to school. And we'll just. That's.

[B]

And he'll just say that he asked Chris to go get something. And then Chris blacked out.

[A]

Blacked out. And then through hypnosis, it's just. I. I'd rather not say Santo the sauce monkey. Constable Emanuel Castillo. Then we got. I make Leroy's look like Chrissy's favorite cookie.

[B]

Oh. Oh, no.

[A]

Walked into one.

[B]

Walked into one.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. So I don't like.

[B]

Okay, what's your favorite cookie?

[A]

Black and whites.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Shrimp deed. Shrimp, shrimp dee. Chit. I don't know what that is. Then we go. Got Degastani with the yami. AKA Kosqueak. Fum Fumara Gadov. Okay.

[B]

Victim of a bad read. Sorry about that, but it's a tough one.

[A]

Here we got our sauce monkey. Angelo Chatelli.

[B]

How you doing?

[A]

How you doing? Chicka telly. Cool.

[B]

I got a plumbing business.

[A]

Yeah. Then we got Sicilian piece with greased up knees sliding into. Chrissy's busy with laser eyes like Yanni P. Way Sean King. Okay.

[B]

He went for it.

[A]

Make no mistake, Big Mike makes me shoot white on site. Okay. Says he comes when he sees Big Mike. Right.

[B]

Okay, Drexler.

[A]

Insert name here. Rubby, flubby or hubby with a chubby squeak sandwich. Ll Cool Jake. Luigi Fusilli makes my glue gun. Gun. Luigi Fusilli makes my glue gun. Sconjilli. Sorry.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Bad read here, for the content, Max McGreevey. A Unix bald spot. Quiet and slow for the table. Make no mistake, on pure Garbagio. Smithtown Water department pipesitter. If you voted blue, you gargle glue. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Sorry about that.

[B]

Yeah, it's incredible. It's very funny.

[A]

Make no mistake, Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear. Matt Gaetz. Oh, Matt Gates on the Patreon.

[B]

Welcome. He likes children.

[A]

Yes. Allegedly. Allegedly True blue cutie with a fat booty. Chrissy sniffs Donnie's fumes from behind. Father builds rope shooter. And Chrissy's pooper, Sean the contractor. Make no mistake, one of those kids is mine. That's what it is. Chrissy squirts glue. Patreon customer service. Corey, make no mistake, my Jewish psychologist wife thinks Chrissy D. Turned my glue gun into a squeak that shoots glitter. Cortez AOC's wet seat for sale.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Chrissy Wissy was from Westchester. Let me see you grin. Father Bill munching on Greta's thunberger corn the long way. Glue gun. My face can't see now I'm late for mass. List or.

[B]

No, it's just funny. You gotta put it on the list.

[A]

All right, all right.

[B]

Get on the list. I don't know why it's funny.

[A]

There is not one true. There's not one true winner yet.

[B]

No, but. Which is crazy.

[A]

We got a few contenders, but there's.

[B]

Usually.

[A]

By now, we felt like we found, like, a winner.

[B]

Yeah. And we have.

[A]

Not yet.

[B]

Because you never know. One's gonna sneak in.

[A]

This is what I like about the list. Wicked squeak of the West. Little Mexican Polyp, 3/5 Mafia, walk into one.

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

Oh, like three, three six Mafia.

[B]

No.

[A]

And then he put three.

[B]

Oh, you walked in.

[A]

Security.

[B]

Sorry. Oh, God.

[A]

I had to think about it out loud.

[B]

Jesus Christ. Yeah, okay. Sorry about that crowd. Got it.

[A]

The Philly fanatic face my father. Okay.

[B]

His father got.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

If you look at the papers in 76, the Philly Fanatic was father's faces.

[A]

Yeah, it is Venezuelan with a squeegee free Luigi. Okay, okay. Then we got Ladder 14, Dalmatian, Ding Dong Way Sean Combs.

[B]

Wait, wait, wait. Way Sean Combs?

[A]

Like Sean Combs? Like pity, right?

[B]

Like Diddy Sean Combs. Yeah, Way Sean Combs.

[A]

So what do you got to put them on?

[B]

You have to. Yeah. Whenever someone does a spin on Weijongxing like that. Yeah, I mean, a original one, it's not gonna win probably, but it's.

[A]

It's there. But then we got Delay, Deny, deport all Italians.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

But he said Italians.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Yeah. So instead, Italian sucker, you can make.

[B]

Fun of Italians all day. People you could make fun of, but.

[A]

Not on the list.

[B]

But it's funny, though.

[A]

But it's not on the list.

[B]

Not on the list.

[A]

Then we got Juan Soto is a screwed in Dominican kid. Batman.

[B]

It's just a Met fan.

[A]

Just a Met fan. Then we got in the name of the father, the bill. His piece made me ill. Now my toe juice has fumes. Okay. I don't know what that means. Then we got Adolph Rizzler, Three dollar billionaire. I walked into one. Yeah, right. Yeah. Three dollar billionaire. Then we got. I live in that awkward space between Yanni's eyes. Catapult.

[B]

Yeah, get the catapult. Right.

[A]

Catapult.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because that's a tight space.

[B]

Just calling it an awkward space. It's very funny.

[A]

WEPA in the morning cured my anxiety. My glue gun is sticky because Chrissy's got a massive winky. Sammy. My glue gun bleeds red, white and blue and glue. Betsy de Ross is going to make America leak again. The public school kids are not for the table. Okay? It took three years, but Yanni walked into one.

[B]

But funny, funny, funny.

[A]

But did walk into one.

[B]

Funny, funny.

[A]

Then we got Tony Hawk's Pro Israel. That's what it is. Sorry, ma'am.

[B]

Yeah, well, I don't know what that.

[A]

Means, but yeah, I don't know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then we got Blue Chew for wife. Natty for guys. It's what it is. Kyle does bad friend.

[B]

She's saying he Gave his wife a Blue Chew. Yeah.

[A]

It's what it is. Then we got. Then we got. But he's saying Blue Chew for his wife, but he doesn't need a Bluetooth for guys. Yeah.

[B]

Wait, so. Yeah. Is he trying to say a spin on that or whatever?

[A]

It's just funny because he's saying he needs a Blue Chew to get hard for his wife, but when he. When he's with a guy, he doesn't need anything. He just gets hard. He's saying he's a gay kid.

[B]

He's a gay kid. Yeah. That's funny, though. That's.

[A]

I like it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then we got Hitler's Argentinian submarine, the SS Lo ks. Pretty creative.

[B]

That's very creative. Argentinian. They speak Spanish. You got to put them on the list.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

It's just creative.

[A]

Michelle's dangling ham.

[B]

Jesus Christ. They're coming after Michelle. Poor fucking Michelle.

[A]

Sarah Silverman's milky jug.

[B]

She does got nice jobs. Yeah.

[A]

Uncle Russell rubbed Bobby Lee's tiger pussy for good luck every day for a summer. At least. A chicken finger. Love you, sluts.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. Dreaming of Drexler. Battles for balance. Sean, Terry Combs. This is for Chrissy's mortgage.

[B]

Good one.

[A]

Good one.

[B]

Chicken finger.

[A]

Chicken finger. T.T. jerry's meat cleaver.

[B]

Good one.

[A]

Thank you. Ladder 14 is a way of life. It's what it is. Shaved my balls and tucked it back. Call me Kamala. Hairless.

[B]

It's probably the best combo. But they're dated.

[A]

But they're dated now. Okay, we'll do one more page and then we'll pick the list. Yeah, we'll pick the winners. Okay. Call me Genghis Khan because I like to bang out Eastern hemis. Asian. Asians.

[B]

He did bang 13. Bang a lot of population, but it's.

[A]

Not on the list. Didn't get a good laugh from them, though.

[B]

He got a good laugh from one guy.

[A]

Yeah. Which. Which is from one guy who's got an Asian fetish. Who likes getting fucking Robin touched.

[B]

Yeah, he does.

[A]

Kamala. Harrison Ford stars in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Campaign. Wait, hold on. My mic went out.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I'm going to read because it's really good.

[A]

Here he is. Kamala's. Kamala. Harrison Ford stars in Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Campaign Funds featuring Leroy Patel.

[B]

Cause Indiana Jones is very funny.

[A]

Funny.

[B]

That's. You think that's list? No. Drexler. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Diddy's my cellie. He put glue in my belly. What do you think?

[B]

List.

[A]

List. All right. All right. List. Ebola. Lola. Titus, the rude doula. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Chrissy's long lost son. Chrissy's long kid.

[B]

Walked into one. What does that mean?

[A]

Walked into one? Might have to call an attorney.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Walked into what? Might have some explaining to do to Jasmine.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

But I didn't.

[B]

It.

[A]

You know, I'm gonna go.

[B]

Does it ring a bell? The name.

[A]

You know, if.

[B]

Yeah. Well.

[A]

Well. But that's okay.

[B]

That's okay.

[A]

It's all blessing.

[B]

Yeah. You have your own Jon Snow somewhere out there.

[A]

It's all a blessing.

[B]

It's a blessing.

[A]

It's a blessing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's one more Puerto Rican kid?

[B]

Yeah. What is it?

[A]

Could have been 420. That's not her name.

[B]

Yeah. 420.

[A]

It's not her name. Yeah. But. Yeah. Okay. So let me just breathe.

[B]

Yeah. Take a breath.

[A]

Tupperware Pimp Love and Intermittent Fasting. Pig Meets his best pod. Greek Kun. Loving cuz. Okay, Little wordy. Little wordy here. We got our Diner Monkey Award. Peter Kumakulis.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Diner Monkey.

[B]

Kids. Works at a restaurant.

[A]

Yeah. Chrissy slipped a fisty in my fume undercarriage. And now my hips are stretched in a different way. Leroy blocks shots. Not Cox. Amy. No fumes. Josephine. Jorge Squeaks.

[B]

I like Jorge Squeaks.

[A]

The big eunuch with the micro unit. It's what it is. Cloning Chrissy D. And Yanni P. To make them my squeaks. I ate chicken fingers out of Father Bill's hummus tunnel. Wepa. Wepa cuzzies. Then we got Matzah Monkey. I'm Catholic. A toot that plays. A toot that likes to play the skin flute. It's just what it is. 337 Kevin.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Wei. Sean Sheehan. Factory worker. Daddy. Three skins. Matt Rife. Women from the future. It's gonna be Bazaar's Electric. I don't know what that means. Potato monkey. But look like a German kid. Gobalooski. Big Gay. Big Gay Okerson.

[B]

Big Gay Okerson funny.

[A]

I wrestle guys to eat their butta ch. Not bad.

[B]

Not bad.

[A]

Yanni Downey Jr. Aka Cyclops Samos.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Cyclops Stamos. Cyclops Samos is funny. Johnny Downey Jr. Yanni Downey Jr. Is good. What do you think?

[B]

What do you think?

[A]

I don't know. It's not getting. They might be fading though. We've been up here two hours.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Draxler.

[B]

We got a dress. Yeah. Drex.

[A]

That's what it is. Andrew Santino. Okay. He's on it.

[B]

Is.

[A]

Then we got S. Lo Quay, Esquire, Father Bill's attorney. Okay. Tamer Altani, Jugadot Hoeso, Chrissy's first bumful, $3 father, Pill Cosby.

[B]

We've had Pill Cosby.

[A]

Pill Cosby, Dirty Boy, Landmine, Alarm Clock, Milli Vanilli, Foreskin Willie. Make no mistake, my collar's blue, pockets green, skin white. Okay. Luigi shot straight to the back. Cutie Patootie, Mangioni, fictional Persona. And then last but not least, Nanking Jap, who banged out a few on my platoon because I didn't know who was who walked into one.

[B]

You walked into that one. And the Luigi one was shot straight.

[A]

What do you think? You think we got the list? Should we go a few more? What do you guys think? Just a few more and that's it.

[B]

I think there's only two people that said a few more. I think we got it. No.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. I'm just taking a peek. So that's. Yeah.

[B]

Is that good?

[A]

Maybe one more page. There might be a couple. And that's it. This is the last one. Yeah, there's about 10 more. And then that's it. And then we will do this list. Early on said pompous, like early onset. Early on said set.

[B]

That's Drexler.

[A]

Okay. Come Swallow Harris. Then we got Garrett. Give me some lobster bisque before I send you to the Leroy Abyss. Parker.

[B]

Okay, I think you walked into one there.

[A]

I did walk into one. Again, sorry. Yanni's Honeydew X ray piece. No Drones over Smithtown water or else you're going in the microwave. B. Carpentry llc. Harder. Softwood. I'll make it work.

[B]

Screwed in.

[A]

Kind of screwed in, kid.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Moving to New Hampshire. Leonardo. That's not custard in my beard. Da Vinci.

[B]

He's got cum in his beard.

[A]

Yeah. Father Bill kissed me and I liked it. The taste of communion. Wafer Chapstick. No. Okay. Penis sized nipples with nipple sized penis.

[B]

Put them on the list.

[A]

See, there's one on the list, if anything. That was worth it.

[B]

Yeah, that was worth it.

[A]

Call me Fumarion, because I'm putting Chris in the cuck box. Okay. Back shots from Matteo making me crave tomato. Aoc's glue gun is my October surprise. Big Mike's extended Clip O Chaos, Thirsty for Rife's cute little powdered donut. Half laser beam, half potato monkey. Call me Steph Curry. Dylan DeWitt.

[B]

Wait, wait.

[A]

Oh, sorry. Okay. It's interesting.

[B]

Yeah. Say it again.

[A]

Half laser beam, half potato monkey. Call me Steph Curry. Okay. That's what it is. Eunuch. Young Eunuch. Giannis's punani is for the table with Christy Glubox. Snow Monkey. Third Riker, but I like Bert Kreischer. The Fumariana stench. Nathan. I'm a sauce monkey, but I'm kind of chunky. That's why I make. That's why they call me the guinea pig.

[B]

Okay, that's witty.

[A]

Witty.

[B]

Drexler.

[A]

Then we got Agate and Costello.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. They dropped the F. Yeah, they dropped the f. Yep. Okay.

[B]

Drexler.

[A]

The Blixkrieg Bandit. Bill's monkey tickler. And then we got Felipe, double FF so the hyenas could cackle. Once again, security walked into one. All right, all right.

[B]

We got. We got some. We got some. We got some people.

[A]

We got one on the list. Okay, so here we go.

[B]

They're gonna help us pick.

[A]

You're gonna help us pick this list. Here we go. Here we go. All right, so we got. Leading off the list. Diddy's my cellie. He put glue in my belly. Drexler. So he's out, Right?

[B]

Guy loves that.

[A]

We're gonna get it. Hitler's Argentinian submarine, the SS Low Ks. I still know.

[B]

No, I don't know. I think that is that contender still.

[A]

It's only the second one.

[B]

No, Drexler.

[A]

Drexler Way. Sean Combs.

[B]

I. I like that one. But it's Drexler.

[A]

I live in that awkward space between Yanni's eyes. That's him.

[B]

That's it.

[A]

That's a big contender.

[B]

What we call a contender right there.

[A]

Okay, so that's a contender. So I'm going to just put that puppy here. That's a contender.

[B]

I love we're doing these names like American Idol.

[A]

Yeah. And we'll be right back. If you voted blue, you gargle glue. That's still in.

[B]

Contender.

[A]

Then we got Glue gun. My Face Can't See Now I'm late for Mass.

[B]

That's right there. You got a contender. Contender.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's probably not going to win. It was the least reaction, but Contender.

[A]

When a muzzy piece meets my fuzzy piece, I drop the character piece and bring peace to the Middle East.

[B]

That's a contender. Oh, it's going to be tough.

[A]

Tough.

[B]

It's going to be tough.

[A]

Okay. And then we got. Father Bill Was my priest. I kind of like the guy.

[B]

Contender.

[A]

I mean, this is what. This is one of the most wild fucking things we've ever done.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Aoc Sit on my face. And roll dice.

[B]

Nah, it's Drexler.

[A]

Drexler. More confused than Sammy Sosa's skin color.

[B]

That was the first one. They were excited. Drexler.

[A]

I mistakenly said the n word in Hot 97 freestyle. And I'm white.

[B]

That's a contender.

[A]

Father Bill can technically give parental consent.

[B]

It's so good. Any other day. But the reaction got a Drexler.

[A]

Okay. Drexler. So they're out. All right. And then we got Austin. I'm not saying they were right, but those Hugo Boss uniforms were tight. Risner.

[B]

Drexler. All right. Security.

[A]

All right. All right. Then we got Dahmer. Orders. Marginalized Men of Milwaukee for the table.

[B]

For the table. It's just funny. But it's got a dresser. We got contenders.

[A]

Intermittent fasting. But I'll make a box of black and white cookies disappear faster than the chef that caught Big Mike pegging Obama.

[B]

Fuddy. But Drexler.

[A]

Gandhi's cousin, AKA Jay Z's type, unfortunately.

[B]

Drexler.

[A]

Drexler. Okay. All right.

[B]

We're getting closer.

[A]

Penis sized nipples with nipple sized penis.

[B]

You gotta put it on the list.

[A]

Wow. See, there you go. That was a fucking contender. And that was one of the last ones.

[B]

No contender.

[A]

Okay. All right, hold on. Let me. Let me get the. I'll get this out of here, and then we will do this.

[B]

Now here's the voting.

[A]

Now this is where it gets real.

[B]

How we narrow it down.

[A]

Okay? So we have. I mistakenly said the N Word and Hot 97 Freestyle. And I'm white. Okay, let's just go off a. I.

[B]

Think that's getting Drexlered.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Getting dressed at the back of the room. Likes it because we can't see them.

[A]

Right. When a muzzy piece meets my fuzzy piece, I drop the character piece and bring peace to the Middle East. This one's still in.

[B]

That one's still in.

[A]

Father Bill was my priest. I kind of like the guy. Also still in.

[B]

Still in. Still in.

[A]

Penis sized nipples with nipple sized penis. Jesus might have to be out, though. And that wasn't as big as the other two, because now you're in the finals. You're in the finals.

[B]

We got to choose. Nice. This is what makes this.

[A]

We're in the finals. We're in the final. So this is out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. All right. Glue gun. My face can't see now I'm late for mass.

[B]

Drexer. Drex.

[A]

Drexler's out.

[B]

It's tough. That's what's. It's tough.

[A]

But this is where it gets.

[B]

Some of them have to go.

[A]

If you voted blue, you gargle glue.

[B]

Drexer.

[A]

Drex. All right, so they're out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's coming. Okay.

[B]

Getting close. And the audience is helping.

[A]

I live in that awkward space between Yanni's eyes.

[B]

Wow. All right. Wow.

[A]

So I'm gonna call this right here. This. No, but this is who.

[B]

It's between.

[A]

Yeah, it's between. Honestly, I know that you think there's a couple more, but it is really between these two. It is between. I live in that awkward space between Yanni's eyes. And when a muzzy piece meets my fuzzy piece, I drop the character piece and bring peace to the Middle East.

[B]

These are.

[A]

These are the two options.

[B]

Okay. There was a third one, though. No, that's.

[A]

It was it. Father Bill was my priest that kind of liked the guy. Yeah, but it's really. I mean, if we're just going off. Just my opinion. If we're just going off. Honest. First. LAUGHS the Middle east one got an applause break and it made people feel happy.

[B]

Yeah, it makes people feel happy. So is it that.

[A]

And there are a lot of white cucked out Washington D.C. people in here and there is a Muslim in the crowd and they want to make her feel welcome.

[B]

Yes. And we hope she does.

[A]

So it is between. One more time. Round of applause for. Let's wait till I finish them. When a muzzy piece meets my fuzzy piece, I drop the character piece and bring peace to the Middle East. Okay, listen. Or I live in that awkward space between Yanni's eyes. That's the winner.

[B]

It sounds like it's a pro Israel. That's a pro Israel crowd.

[A]

It's a pro Israel crowd. And the winner of this PPW is. I live in that space. I live in that awkward space between Yanni's eyes. You can see your Patreon Name [e-mail] Guys, thank you so much.

[B]

Thank you, everybody. Thank you for coming.

[A]

Awesome.

[B]

We hope you had a good time. Thank you so much for coming out on such a wild weekend, everybody. Good night.