Alexander The Great Gay?

Summary

History Hyenas Podcast Summary: "Alexander The Great Gay?"

Hosts: Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas
Release Date: November 21, 2024
Episode Title: Alexander The Great Gay?

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Introduction to the Episode

In this engaging episode of History Hyenas, comedians Yannis Pappas and Chris Distefano dive deep into the life of one of history’s most renowned figures: Alexander the Great. With their signature blend of humor and historical insight, the hosts explore the intriguing question: Was Alexander the Great gay?

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Historical Context and Relationships

Chris and Yannis begin by setting the stage with Alexander’s conquests and his unparalleled military prowess. They emphasize his strategic genius, comparing him to other legendary conquerors like Genghis Khan and Napoleon Bonaparte.

Notable Quote:

• Yannis [10:19]: "They were the gay of the city states."

The discussion then shifts to Alexander’s personal relationships, particularly his bond with Hephaestion, his closest friend and companion. The hosts highlight that ancient Greek culture was more fluid regarding sexuality, noting that same-sex relationships were not stigmatized as they are in many modern societies.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris [53:19]: "He had a boyfriend."
• Yannis [53:47]: "They were together for over 13 years."

Yannis further elaborates on how these relationships were integral to Alexander’s life, providing both emotional support and strategic alliances during his campaigns.

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Cultural and Social Implications

The hosts explore the societal norms of ancient Macedonia and Greece, discussing how Alexander's relationships with both men and women were perceived in his time. They argue that labeling Alexander’s sexuality with modern terms can be anachronistic but acknowledge that his close bond with Hephaestion suggests a level of intimacy beyond mere friendship.

Notable Quote:

• Chris [54:26]: "In any era would be who we are."

Yannis adds that Alexander’s practices, such as encouraging intermarriage with conquered peoples and establishing cities like Alexandria, were part of his strategy to blend cultures and secure his empire’s legacy.

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Alexander’s Leadership and Legacy

Chris and Yannis analyze how Alexander’s personal life may have influenced his leadership style and the expansion of his empire. They posit that his intimate relationships provided him with loyal support, which was crucial during prolonged military campaigns.

Notable Quote:

• Yannis [14:51]: "We are all connected."

The hosts draw parallels between Alexander’s ambition and modern-day leadership, suggesting that his relentless drive was both his greatest strength and his eventual downfall, as his troops became weary after years of continuous conquest.

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Concluding Insights

In wrapping up, Chris and Yannis reflect on Alexander the Great's enduring legacy. They acknowledge his military genius and cultural impact while contemplating the personal aspects of his life that contributed to his historical persona.

Notable Quote:

• Chris [50:03]: "We just know him as that young great conqueror."

The hosts underscore the importance of understanding historical figures within their cultural and temporal contexts, advocating for a nuanced view that appreciates both their public achievements and private lives.

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Final Thoughts and Humor

True to the History Hyenas style, the episode concludes with light-hearted banter and comedic reflections on Alexander’s life, blending historical facts with playful humor. The hosts maintain their entertaining dynamic, ensuring that listeners are both educated and amused.

Notable Quote:

• Yannis [56:33]: "We need to eat."

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Conclusion

This episode of History Hyenas offers a captivating exploration of Alexander the Great's personal relationships and their potential impact on his leadership and legacy. Through a mix of humor and insightful discussion, Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas provide listeners with a fresh perspective on a historical figure often shrouded in myth and legend.

Engage with the Hosts: For more in-depth discussions and to participate in the History Hyenas community, listeners are encouraged to visit patreon.com/historyhyenas.

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Disclaimer: The podcast contains humorous and speculative content about historical figures. While entertaining, some discussions may blend factual history with comedic interpretation.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hello, everybody. Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. The extra H is for heistadion, who was Alexander the Greats. I'm pronouncing it wrong. Best friend who got banged out. I'm Giannis Pappas. I'm with my co host Chrissy, who should have lived in this era because you could bang guys, you could bang girls, you could bang eunuchs, and nobody's gonna judge you. And your dad can live through it all and be proud of you.

[A]

It'd be proud of me because it's. I am Chrissy. For the table. Yeah, that's what it. Cuz make no mistake, you've told me many times that I order weird food items for the table. Like Suvaki. I told you I'll get fettuccine Alfredo for the table. But if I was living in this era of Alexander the Great, guess what I would order for the table? Me. Yeah, I'd be for the table. You guys could just eat me. You could eat my butt.

[B]

For the table. Is such a good. Because I always do. For the table.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

I always order something else for the table because I'm a fat hearted kid.

[A]

Right. But you do look skinny right now.

[B]

I do look skinny right now. So what I do is I'll order my food and if I'm eating with other people, I'll go, yeah, let's get something else for the table. Which really means I want something else. But I want you guys to have a couple of spoons for it as well. But really I just want two dinners.

[A]

It's what it is. You want two dinners, but you do.

[B]

You're going to do fettuccine Alfredo. So we'll just have to take a couple of spoons and get in there.

[A]

Yeah, for the table. And now I used to not eat sweets on Saturdays and I wasn't able to keep that up for very long. I kept that for six months. But now my new thing is I'm. I'm not gonna. I'm gonna Try to not eat sweets during the week. But if I do have a sweet, it's gotta be home baked. So I'm gonna have a home baked sweet. Going to have a processed suite. But if my family wants to make brownies at home, I'm going to have a bite.

[B]

What you're doing is the addicts negotiation. That's what they call it. You're in the addicts negotiation phase.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So I know after. So what you're doing is you're going, okay, I'm addicted to sweets. So what I'm going to do is going to negotiate with myself and create a couple of rules.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Until those negotiations fall apart. And then you're going to just go, you're going to, you're just going to be. Just going to be black and white cookies.

[A]

Smear all over your face 100%.

[B]

And then I know what's going to come is you're going to start telling me about Eckhart Tolle for four weeks.

[A]

Yes. Yes. The power of now.

[B]

Cycles of Chrissy.

[A]

Because the power of now, you got to read it. The power of right now. You got to be in the. Guess what I'm friendly with today. The President. My feet. I got, I'm, I'm where my feet are. Yeah, that's the new way to say it. You got to be where your feet are.

[B]

Yeah. And do you think these kids back then had existentialist angst and what kind of trauma were they walking around with? Yeah, I mean these guys were in battle. Alexander the Great, who we're going to talk about today, who got who?

[A]

Colin Farrell. Play, Play nice. And he banged out Rosario Dawson big in the movie.

[B]

And that was. That was she the Persian wife, Roxanne, who make no mistake, like you said, Persians remind you of Puerto Rican chicks. And Roxanne had a couple of Alexander's other wives, yelled guess what it is. Jealous kid.

[A]

Here's hair.

[B]

She was looking through Alexander the Great's phone on the regular.

[A]

It's what it is. Because make no mistake, Persian women are just Puerto Ricans with fumes. It's what it is. Cuz.

[B]

Cuz they are sandy. Yeah, they're sandy, but it's nice and that.

[A]

And that breeds fumes. And it's not their fault. It's just the climate. Because.

[B]

Yes, it's the climate.

[A]

It's just the climate. Because Puerto Rican girls, yes, they live in warm temperatures, but they can just put a little owl. Aloe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Down there and they rub a little aloe, a little coconut and then they have no fumes. Where the Persian women are beautiful and they just don't have access to the same types of coconuts. Basically, Puerto Rican girls put coconut cookies in their pussies.

[B]

Are you basically saying that the coconuts is the few vaccine that is.

[A]

Yeah, the few vaccine. And then we have another vaccine that we're going to tell you about. History hiatus. @patreon.com history Giannis and I came up with a new vaccine seen. And you're going to want to hear all about it. And I'm. And. And it's. And if any of you clip it and put that on the Internet, just know. You'll ruin my life.

[B]

Yeah. No, we can't. I don't know. Here's the thing.

[A]

Might say it though, at patreon.com history.

[B]

It could happen if we do do like the big tier where we read our texts. It's in our text.

[A]

It's in our text.

[B]

It was a joke that happened in our text.

[A]

It's in our text. And then we have.

[B]

But it's not a joke for the table.

[A]

It's not a joke for the table. And then make no mistake, we will also upload a [e-mail] history which is in our text of famous friend of ours that we put his face on a very not so nice person's body. And then. And it's a 10. And we sent it to him five years ago and he called us and yelled at us. So we're gonna put it on Patreon because make no mistake, we don't care.

[B]

I don't think we want to do that anymore with the history hyena redux.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Let's not do it. Then we're out. Yeah.

[B]

Unless we. Unless it's. Unless you can afford $5,000. We may just do a wild. Yeah. Maybe we'll call it the career ruining, career ruining tier. Yes. Where it's like, listen, this is five trusted people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Who can afford this tier. And we know what, you guys, you can share these crazy jokes. And we didn't make that. A fan made.

[A]

Yeah. And. Or we could also just call what we've wanted to call it. We can. For $10,000 a month. And because we're just screwed in and this is a new world, we'll just call that tier the new Jew tier. We're the new Jews. We are the new Jews.

[B]

We are the new Jews.

[A]

I mean, we said the Chinese are the new Jews. And it was a joke. And it's at patreon.com historyinus but it's fun. And we got a picture of Rosario Dawson on the board right now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I mean, because that is amazing.

[B]

She's for Alexandria.

[A]

She is for. Oh, so, so that's even for. Even higher than for Rome is for Alexandria.

[B]

I think it's, I think it's same tier Alexandria, you know, famous city, famous library that Julius Caesar burned down. You know, Alexandria was founded by Alexander the Great and became a cultural center and he conquered it.

[A]

And are those real or are those natties?

[B]

Those are natt.

[A]

Are. Those are not fakes.

[B]

Those are hard to take, dude. Those are hard to take.

[A]

Do you think Colin Farrell in this type of sex scene absolutely has to get wood? There's no way you can't get wood.

[B]

I. I don't know. Is it easy to get wood when there's a, when there's a grip over. There's a microphone over there?

[A]

Yeah. When there's. Where there's lighting. I mean, I feel like a kid.

[B]

Like you would like it.

[A]

I would like it. Cuz I would.

[B]

I feel like if you were alone in the room with Rosaria Dawson, you wouldn't be able to get wood. You, you'd have to tell. You got to suck it a little bit, babe, just to get heart, baby. Yeah. But if there was a lot of.

[A]

Guys, there's a lot of guys. Make no mistake. I'd have a Woodrow Wilson IM immediately.

[B]

Because I think you'd go pure. Very easy.

[A]

I mean, these boobies are very, very, very hard to take. I don't know if posting a picture of this will get demonetized, but we will throw up a [e-mail] history hyenas of these natties, even though they are public, available online. We could get demonetized. But then again, I don't know because it is now Trump's America.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So things are different. The hosts of msnbc, Joe Scarborough and that other lesbian, they had a meeting with Donald Trump two days ago and they talked about. It's all over the news right now. They talked about cleaning the slate and just let's try to be all in this together. So make no mistake, Donnie T. Is coming out there and trying to unite.

[B]

He's trying to unite the country. And Also I think RFK Jr is really working with dentists right now to make a little money on the side because once they pull that fluoride out of the water, I think we're just going to look like. It's just going to look like we're England. It's bad People's teeth are just going to fall apart.

[A]

They're going to get knocked.

[B]

Trust people to brush their teeth twice a day.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You a twice a day kind of kid.

[A]

What I am. So I'm. I'm a twice a day kid in the morning and at night and now as of late because my daughter has told me I need to do this. I'm a flosser.

[B]

You floss?

[A]

I'm a flosser, yeah. Yeah. I was a water pick guy, but now I'm a flosser.

[B]

Yeah, I don't floss. I brush twice a day. I try and that's about it. But I have noticed since I've not been exposed to New York City water, I mean, I don't think they have this problem in Smithtown.

[A]

No.

[B]

Because I think Smithtown's got good fluoride water.

[A]

By the way, I want to shout out. I want to shout out Smithtown water. Shout out, Smith. I want to also shout out the fan who came to my show in Salt Lake City, Utah this weekend, a wise guys who all of a sudden the waitress came up with a tray full of five waters and they said. And the guy in the background said, those are some water spiel. And they just brought me of waters. And that was a funny good bit to just put five bottles of water.

[B]

On the stage because I was so. I apologize to anyone who bought tickets in St. Louis. It wasn't my fault. That's all I'm going to say.

[A]

It's what it is, guys.

[B]

Mistakes were made that had nothing to do with me. That's all I'm going to say.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, yeah.

[B]

Funniest stories ever.

[A]

Johnny was supposed to be in St. Louis and then it didn't happen. I mean, I literally texted him, steps.

[B]

Away from getting on the plane.

[A]

I said, How's St. Louis this weekend? He said, I'm actually hiking in New York. And I was like, wow. But we will tell that story and name names at Patreon.

[B]

Yeah, we'll do it on Patreon.

[A]

But I do. Yeah, it's. It's Alexander the Great. And this is fat. This is what I love about doing the show too is I don't know. I know the. I know a little bit about Alexander the Great.

[B]

What do you know about Alexander the Great?

[A]

So what I know about Alexander the Great is that, you know, he's conquered. He literally took over. I think he was the greatest conqueror of all time. Meaning geographically, he was able to take over the most land of any other conqueror in history. I Think just it's him and Genghis Khan, I think, but Alexander the Great. But I know that what I. The main thing I know about him is that he did it all wearing a toga and he did it all balls out. And here's what I do know. Here's what I do know. Here's what I'm going to say to you right now. You believe everything you're reading about Alexander the Great, right?

[B]

I do know that if we were around back then and we were doing a podcast back then, we would have called Alexander the Great the Great sand blower.

[A]

Yeah, it's probably what it would be called.

[B]

The kid went out there and he just, he really cleaned up the sand.

[A]

He cleaned up the sand? Yes, he, he, he liked conquering people of the sand. He was a.

[B]

He was a real sand sweeper.

[A]

He was a sand sweeper.

[B]

Yeah, he went over there and he just conquered the sand.

[A]

It's what it is. Alexander. Alexander the Great. You believe everything you read about. Why, you know, Jesse's pulled up Alexander the Great, Wikipedia, and we all believe it. Right, but then let me just make this point. We all believe, we all believe everything we're reading about Alexander the Great. Right? But you would say if I brought up something, if I brought up something about Jesus Christ.

[B]

Here we go. Jesus Christ.

[A]

If you brought up something about Jesus Christ, you would tell me that maybe what I'm reading could be a lie, could be a fable. Well, let me tell you this, let me tell you this. As I read about in the Case for Christ by Lee Strobel, which I think everyone should go out there and get and walk around with at all times, Case for Christ is Alexander the Great's biographers wrote about Alexander the great upwards of 200 years after his death. Jesus Christ biographers wrote about his life within 20 years of his death. So just take that home with a.

[B]

Couple hundred years after his death.

[A]

Well, no, Alexander the Great was a.

[B]

Couple, I think a couple hundred after Jesus.

[A]

No, no, no, because look it up, Jesse. Here's the thing. Look up case for Christ. It wasn't 200 years because they started. They started writing about him. The gospels got published 2, 300 years after, but the writing from it was within 20 to 30 years they started writing it. And then what they would do back then is everyone says game of telephone. Everyone talks about, oh, but there's a game of telephone. I could tell you something. And then by the time it gets handed down, handed back, by the time.

[B]

It goes within 25 years, within 25 years.

[A]

Within 25 years. This is why Jesus lives within all of us. This is why Jesus does exist. And this is why I encourage you to go get the case for Christ and to read about Jesus and love Jesus. He is the one true savior. And make no mistake, in this battle of the Crusades, he's gonna fucking waste her cheer.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

We can't say that, right?

[B]

No, we. Listen. No, no, you can't say, postseason is back, baby. And look. Yeah.

[A]

No, you can't say that because we've re.

[B]

We've rebuilt the team. Yeah. We've rebuilt the team. Yeah. And we're going for another chip.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So that's what's going on.

[A]

Yeah. No, I'm kidding around. We got. We can't disparate. Just make no mistake.

[B]

No. Just can't say it.

[A]

I'm just messing around. We'll put that part on Patreon.

[B]

15 hyenas roaming the Serengeti, cackling like crazy over Chrissy's face over that whole part.

[A]

Yeah. It's what it is, cuz. But make no mistake, Jesus Christ is real and he's within us.

[B]

But most of the Bible was written at the council.

[A]

By a bunch of Roman Constantinople.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's what it is. It's what is. They didn't clip me, though.

[B]

No, they didn't.

[A]

No matter what.

[B]

You got nicked.

[A]

I got nick.

[B]

Did get nicked.

[A]

Just like a certain family member.

[B]

Yeah. So what happens is.

[A]

Which, by the way, I spoke to him. I'm not gonna say I spoke to him. He told me.

[B]

No.

[A]

That if we do a live show, that he will come and he will do a performance.

[B]

Are you serious?

[A]

I swear to God. And I told.

[B]

Are you serious?

[A]

Yeah, listen.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm going to tell you it right now.

[B]

Do you understand that? That would. That would. I wouldn't be able to handle.

[A]

Okay, hold on.

[B]

I would be able to handle it.

[A]

Jesse, make sure you do.

[B]

Like it's.

[A]

It.

[B]

I can't handle how funny it is.

[A]

I'm going to tell you right now in real time what I spoke and what I said. All of this right now [e-mail] history hyenas. So just put this part right there because I cannot give this way to YouTube. And we're back. So now we're finally back at the YouTube, folks. Welcome back.

[B]

Welcome back.

[A]

We have to just go a little detour. We went [e-mail] history hyenas and we went kind of nuts, but now we're back and we're back, we're focused. We're talking about Alexander the Great and how the kid had a big ego. Yeah, but how. You know, and that's what really fuels all wars. That's what. That's. That's the good. That's what being a human is. It's like, can you use your ego for good or bad?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And your ego, if it's you, let it start to get the best. You. You said something before the pod started. You said, if you worry about your outcome, and that's what I've been preaching. It's about your effort, not your outcome. You have to enjoy the process, control your output. Not your outcome that's out of control.

[B]

And you have to enjoy your. Your. Your output. You have to enjoy it. You have to learn process. That's where happiness comes. Happiness comes from enjoying the process, not worrying about the outcome. If you're enjoying what you're doing, it doesn't matter what the outcome is. You got to enjoy it. You got to have a good time. You're here to have a good time. And you have to let your ego disappear over the horizon and understand, yes, that life is suffering. We're going to die. But that's a freeing realization, because what you realize when you realize, when you accept that with radical acceptance, is that it's not all about you. And that, ironically, in some oxymoronic way, frees you up from worry.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Because it makes you realize there that you are part of something greater. So even though your ego is. Is not real, you are part of something great. You are great only because you're part of Jesus Christ's spleen.

[A]

That's what I told you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that's what happened. The common theme when people do ayahuasca, okay, everyone from, you know, Mark Cuban and billionaires to my stepson's father, everyone who does ayahuasca says the same thing. That what the main thing you realize here. And this is just what they say. I've never done it, but we will do it together. You and I will do it together. I've never done it yet. But what the main thing they say, and this is from it's all over online. It's the same common theme that they realize that we are all connected. We are all one. You where I'm you, you're me. We're all the universe. It's all from the same thing. We're all connected. And what life really is about and what happiness really is about in life is helping others, helping your fellow man. And woman, that's what you're supposed to do. That's what life is. So the more money that you make is a beautiful thing. But really why it's beautiful is you can help you and your family, but you can also help others with it. So that's what all connects. And that's.

[B]

Occasionally have a. Do something for yourself nice. Like have a spa day, a little massage or a black and white cookie.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

Slice of pizza or maybe a souvlaki. The table.

[A]

It's what it is. Or suvlocking for the table. And you just kind. And you just kind of live life and. And you have fun and you know what, mate.

[B]

Or go out and just conquer every place in Persia and try to go to India and have your troops say, we're done. His troops just said, tell us about. Yeah, so his troops just said, we've had enough, dog. We've been on the road for eight years. Our remember, furor just means leader in German.

[A]

That's all it means.

[B]

That's it. We learned that when we were in Munich and we were on that tour. He said, you know, back then, fur, they just called him mine fury because it means my leader.

[A]

Yeah, it was.

[B]

So I'm just saying leader in German.

[A]

That's all it is.

[B]

Yeah. I'm not referring to Hitler. The meme. We're going to put up a picture, all right.

[A]

Yeah, we're going to put up a patreon. That counts as history. Hyenas is referring to Hitler and you and you.

[B]

Fuck it.

[A]

Here's the thing with. Here's the thing. Okay? Yeah, with the hyena fit, you little fuckers. Yeah. If you guys ever repost this anywhere else, that we can't act like that again. So just. It's up to you. It's up to you to just keep that content there where we allow us to go wild. And it is up to you, if you see it out there, to rat out your brother, your sister, and let us know and then we will handle them. Them.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. So we are. We are encouraging you. If you see people out there reposting the content, you let us know and then we'll go find them.

[B]

Yeah, we, you know, we're trying to just have some fun here, is what we're trying to do. That's what it is. It's too funny to not.

[A]

Yeah. I'm asking you people to be the Gestapo.

[B]

Yeah. Watch each other.

[A]

Yeah, it's what it is. Watch it out. And then if you see it, you know, people act like you know who's you let us know.

[B]

So, yeah, his troops just said, mine fur. We've had enough. But they said it in Greek and they said, we've had enough, dude. We. We haven't been home in eight years, right? And then he makes this famous speech.

[A]

Alexander the Great.

[B]

That's the craziest speech. I don't know if we want to put it on the podcast. It's a couple minutes long, but it's.

[A]

No, I think so.

[B]

It's fucking nuts, dude.

[A]

I love us. I love a speech like that. Like an inspirational speech. While the Greek soldiers are just sitting there listening. You know, they're just. Just kind of covered in olive oil. Just. Did they bet Was this. Was this group of Greeks, did they also bang each other out? Was the Alexander the Great Greeks, were they the ones who also, like that sacred band of Thebes, said that. That they would have sex with each other the night before battle? So they would be. They would make them stronger men, but they were just really gay kids that was trying to be not gay.

[B]

So you had Athens, you had Sparta, you had Thebes, right? Thieves, Thebes. And they were the three city states that were powerful. They always fought each other because Greeks just. They really just like when they won the World cup, they need a German to unify them without a German unifying. Because the World cup team had a German coach and they won the World Cup. It was one of the biggest upsets in sports history. It was because they had a German coach.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

When you don't have a German organizing the Greeks, the Greeks just like to infight, and that's just what they do. And that's why the Greeks never had a civilization or an empire right before Alexander the Great, because they were just fighting with each other. So the sacred band of thieves comes from that city state. And it worked. It was just like a bunch of soldiers that banged each other out. And we're in love with each other.

[A]

That's what is.

[B]

They called each other afterwards.

[A]

And they were called and.

[B]

And they loved each other.

[A]

And they said. Because the. The main thing was we can only protect each other in battle. I can only protect you 5 if I'm in love with you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So they were of the city states. They were the San Francisco of the city states.

[B]

They were the.

[A]

They were the gay. They were the gay of the city states.

[B]

All the city states were the San Francisco by today's standards, because everyone was banging dudes out.

[A]

It's what it is.

[B]

It wasn't thought of as homosexuality back then.

[A]

You were just being a guy.

[B]

It was sort of a stress release.

[A]

Yes. It's just what it is. You kind of just get. So you just put it in somebody's. You just put it in somebody's Buddha church.

[B]

You had. You had options back then. You had. Look, there was a lot of muff back then. So I think guys. I think that had a lot to do with it. I think guys just. There was fumes, there was muff. And so guys did what they needed to do procreation, but they didn't have to. To stick around and listen to their wives tell them what they do.

[A]

It's what it is.

[B]

They had options. They could. There was a lot on the menu, right? There was a lot. It was other things on the menu. Right. The pizza was. The women. And then there was the other side of the pizza menu, which had eunuchs. Had guys. Yeah.

[A]

And let's make no mistake, because it was a different world. And sometimes boys. I was gonna say, because sometimes a boy soldier was just for the table.

[B]

Sometimes. Yeah. In the middle, there was just a boy for the table.

[A]

That's what it is. The kid would just get banged out. And it's just the way the cookie crumbled. And now, my friends, is what we call Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[B]

That's Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

[A]

A truth Bader Ginsburg.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what do we got? Let's do the speech.

[B]

The speech is dust. You get to get chills from this speech.

[A]

Are we going to get demonetized for the speech?

[B]

No, you're going to hear this speech on flagrant, too. When he's talking to his guys, he's going, guys, sit down. We need to talk. Yeah.

[A]

And then at the end, he's probably going to call it a truth Bader Ginsburg. Say he made it up. Okay. Right. Right now it's just a long intro. I mean, he might have downloaded the wrong one. Let's be honest.

[C]

Returning home.

[B]

Okay, okay, here we go. This is the problem. Come on. Everything took. This was before the Internet, where, you know, everyone was aware of how good a dramatic build was.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But we're not there anymore.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, Alex, speak. Yeah.

[C]

To say isn't meant to stop you returning home. As far as I care, you can go wherever you wish. But I want you to know how you have behaved towards me and how I have treated you. I'll begin, as is right, with my father, Philip. When he found you, you were mere peasants wearing hides, tending a few sheep on the mountain slopes. And you could barely defend Them from your neighbors Gets good under him, you began living in cities with good laws and customs. And he turned you from slaves into rulers over those very barbarians who used to plunder your land. He conquered most of Thrace, taking the best harbors, so there was trade and prosperity. And put the mines to steady work. The Thessalians, they used to terrify you. Well, we rule them now. The Athenians and Thebans, always looking for a chance to attack Macedonia. Was so humbled myself, playing my small part in the war, that they no longer take tribute from Macedonia.

[A]

Yeah, they used to fuck.

[B]

Now we fucked them.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

For their protection, my father went to the Peloponnese and put their house in order. Then he was declared supreme commander of all the Greeks for the campaign against the Persians. An honor not just for himself, but for all Macedonians. This is what my father, Philip, did for you. Great enough on its own, but small compared to what you've gained from me. I crossed the Hellespont, even though back then the Persians still commanded the sea. I defeated the satraps of the great King Darius.

[A]

You call them the sand traps.

[B]

He said sand trap.

[C]

Ionia, Aeolis, Phrygia and Lydia. And took my Letus by siege. The rest of the land surrendered willingly and their wealth became yours. All the riches of Egypt and Cyrene, which I won without a fight, are yours now. Syria, Palestine, Mesopotamia, Babylonia.

[B]

They were the original Jews.

[A]

They were right.

[C]

The wealth of Lydia, the treasures of Persia, the jewels of India and the Outer Sea.

[B]

What's it called? Palestine.

[C]

You are now satraps, generals and captains.

[B]

I think it's called Sandlock.

[C]

For myself, apart from this purple cloak and diadem, nothing. No man can point to my riches. Only the things I hold in trust for you all. And what would I do with them anyway? I eat what you eat. I get no more rest than you.

[A]

You.

[C]

Many times I have spent the night on watch so that you could sleep soundly. Who among you believes he's worked harder for me than I have for him?

[B]

This is Michael Jordan talking to the balls.

[A]

Yeah?

[C]

If you've got scars, strip and show them to me.

[B]

This is short stuff.

[A]

It's what it is.

[C]

There isn't one part of my body, the front at least that doesn't bear a wound. My body's covered in scars from every weapon from talk.

[B]

News, Captain.

[A]

It's what it is. Yes.

[C]

Arrows, stones, clubs. All for the sake of your lives, your glory and your wealth. And yet here I still am, leading you as conqueror of land and Sea, rivers, mountains and the plains. We've celebrated our weddings together. Many of your children will be cousins of my own. Paid off your debts without asking how you got them. Even though you're paid well enough and.

[A]

Sounds like a great guy.

[C]

We take many of you wear golden crowns, badges of courage and honor given you by me. Any one of us who was killed, who met a glorious end, we buried with full honors. Many now stand immortalized by bronze statues in Macedonia. Their families are honored and pay no taxes.

[B]

Nice Republican administration.

[A]

Yeah, no taxes. I like that.

[C]

And now I wanted to send back some of you who've been wounded or crippled or have grown old to be welcomed back home as easy heroes. But since you all wish to go, let all of you.

[A]

What's the best time of day to get a deal? All day with Jack in the box's all day. Big deal. Meal you get to choose from four entrees like the supreme croissant and five tasty sides, plus a drink starting at $5. So hurry in or take your time. You've got all day at Jack. Every bite a big deal.

[B]

ABC Wednesdays. Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in.

[A]

The new family comedy Shifting Gears.

[B]

Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out.

[A]

What the rest of my life looks like. So a couple of days when his.

[B]

Daughter moves back in.

[A]

The last time you walked out that.

[B]

Door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird. I was 18. The double bird was how I ended all our conversation. The wheels come off. Can we try to talk to each other like rational?

[A]

If you watch the news lately, that's not a thing anymore.

[B]

New Wednesdays, 8.7Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.

[A]

Go.

[C]

Go home and tell them that your king, Alexander, conqueror of the Persians, Medes, Bactrians and Scythians, who now rules over the Parthians, Karasmians and Hyens as far as the Caspian Sea. Who's marched over the mountains of the Hindu Kush, crossed the Oxus rivers? Yeah, even the Indus. First across it since Dionysus himself. I would have crossed the High Faces too, if you hadn't cowered in fear. Who sailed into the great sea from the mouth of the Indus? Who crossed the desert of Gedrosia where no one had ever led an army. Who took Carminia while my fleet sailed the Persian Gulf? When you get home, you tell them that when you made it back to Susa, you abandoned him and went home, leaving him under the protection of the foreigners. You'd Conquered. Perhaps this report of yours will seem glorious in the eyes of men and worthy in the eyes of the gods. Be gone.

[A]

Wow. Wow. Did they leave?

[B]

No. Then they kept fighting.

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

And then eventually they turned around because they said, we had enough, Alexander.

[A]

But then they got killed, Right.

[B]

They got conquered. They conquered more stuff on the way back.

[A]

Right.

[B]

The kid is the Floyd Mayweather of conquerors. He lost no battles. He's undefeated.

[A]

Undefeated kids 50 0.

[B]

And then he did a charity fight against a fucking Eastern Hemi. He was a lot smaller and made a million in Japan.

[A]

What it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he did all this stuff. I think the kid was in his 30s, 32. He died at 32. So that means he's making a speech like that at 28, 29.

[B]

Yeah, he made a speech like that.

[A]

Yeah. And I was still sleeping in my mom's house in my childhood bedroom. Scared of ghosts and scared to sleep with the light off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Alexander the Great was just a different guy.

[B]

Yeah, he was a different guy. He was an interesting guy. He was born in Macedonia. Macedonia.

[A]

What is Macedonia?

[B]

So this is a very controversial thing for Greeks and for Macedonians. So since I'm Greek, I'm going to say for the Greeks, Macedonia is Greek, and for the Macedonians, I'm going to say Macedonia was Macedonia. Okay, that's what I'm going to say.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But they were Greek. Culturally, they were Greek, but it was sort of like thought of as like the backwoods of Greece. Right. So you had the major city states of, like we said, Thebes, Sparta.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And. And Athens. And at the time, those three were kind of running on fumes. Not the. Not our type of fumes, but like they had. Had more of a golden.

[A]

Did say that the Greeks looked at Macedonia as an island of garbage.

[B]

They kind looked at it. It kind of looked at it like an island of garbage.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then, make no mistake, so it. So if I was alive back then, I'd be trying to bang out the Macedonians.

[B]

You'd be trying to get out of life. Yeah, you'd be doing that. And that's just what it is. There'd be migrants from Macedonia sneaking in, sneaking into Athens to work.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. And taking. Maybe taking over complexes in Aurora and Aurora, Greece. Got it. Okay. Something like that. But according to Dan Soda, that's not happening.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. So who knows? But. So that's what it was at the time. Yes, that's. That's really an apt, you know, example. So then Philip ii Comes along and he's just, he's just a beast.

[A]

Philip II is after Alexander the Great.

[B]

No, Philip II is his father.

[A]

Okay. Philip II is Alexander the Great's father is Philip ii.

[B]

Philip ii. Right. So King Philip just. He's an ill dude and he just turns Macedonia into powerhouse.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're Greek, they speak Greek. They got all the cultural Greek stuff. You know, just like the Romans basically. You know the old expression, Rome conquered Greece, but Greek. Greece conquered Rome because it's Greek culture. We're still living with it. We're the greatest. Anyway, that aside, it's what it is.

[A]

So. By the way, all this is, all this is being told, even that speech, it was with 300 years after his death, if you want the real truth, go turn to Jesus Christ. Twenty years after his death, the Bible is written. Those are the true words.

[B]

Yeah. So he turns it into a powerhouse. He goes and conquers Greece and unites Greece.

[A]

Philip, okay?

[B]

He goes down there and he beats him up. He doesn't even. He doesn't even fucking really bother with Sparta too much because they were too broken down by that point.

[A]

They weren't the fierce fighting. Like they weren't the Spartans from the 300. No, no, that was years ago.

[B]

Yeah, they were just. So he conquers Athens, conquers thieves. He conquers Greece, unifies Greece. I think he leaves Sparta a little bit, but kind of he doesn't even care.

[A]

They're done. Yeah.

[B]

And then there's, you know, an assassination attempt over Philip, you know, but. And then he gets killed by one of his own bodyguards.

[A]

Philip does.

[B]

Philip does. Because, you know, there's infighting, like we have. There's fighting. Oh, you know, he's going, he's overextending. Oh, he's taxes. You're too high. I hate this guy. What about these people? What about the able bodied people? What about dei? All that stuff is probably happening back then too, right? Like Philip is too much of an authoritarian. Whatever. So his bodyguard kills him and. And then Alex, Alex takes command. Now Alex was a. He was a precocious kid from the get go, so. From the get go.

[A]

Because he was raised wealthy, this kid. Right.

[B]

Kid was raised wealthy, but he was just kind of a beast, dude. He was just kind of.

[A]

What does precocious mean?

[B]

Precocious means he was just smart early. He was tutored from. When he was 13 years old, his father went and got Aristotle. Yeah, he went and. Kidding. I think he probably just. Just kidnapped Aristotle.

[A]

So Aristotle was trained by Alexander the Great. Aristotle trained Alexander the great.

[B]

Yeah, he. He was his tutor. He was his personal tutor.

[A]

That's why.

[B]

That's why.

[A]

So that's like Elon Musk being your personal tutor.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. So Aristotle was.

[A]

Did Lex Friedman ever text you back about the pod?

[B]

Did it.

[A]

Okay. And we' get on Lex Freedman's pod.

[B]

Yeah. I thought we were friends, but you can't trust us.

[A]

But we did get on Joey Rogan.

[B]

Yeah. Way shot she and cackles.

[A]

And that's a lot of 14. That's the definition of a lot of 14. It's just character pace. We're messing around to character piece. We're training with our acting.

[B]

Yeah, we just do it. We just. We want to put a play on for the boys at the. At the. At the. At the fire.

[A]

At the firehouse.

[B]

Yeah, so that's all we're doing. We're doing a little play night. You know, these. Most of the times there's no fires. Yeah, it's what they don't know. We sit around. We do, we do, we do. We play around with different dishes. Yeah, we do dishes. We learned how to cook. We do, we have. We have. We play Wordle. Yeah, we do that.

[A]

It's what it is. We're actually.

[B]

Because, you know, in the off nights at the firehouse, they probably played Django. Yeah, they play. What is that thing where you pull the wood block out? What's that game called? They play Django.

[A]

I think Jenko is jeans.

[B]

They play a little. Sorry. Yeah, those are jeans. Yeah. Yeah, they play around with dishes. We watch movies. We did the whole. We did all the second season of Yellowstone together.

[A]

That's what it is, guys. We're gonna do it and then we're gonna do a nice little play where we're honoring. We're actually going to honor our friends, our Jewish friends. We're going to do. They're going to do a musical where they skate around. We call Frisbees on Ice. And it's a good positive place. It's a good thing for our community.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, we're doing. We're doing skits over there now. Yeah, we're doing skits.

[A]

And it's good. And it's fun.

[B]

And it's fun. Yes. Yeah, it's a fun thing over there.

[A]

Yeah, we even told our boys in the firehouse. We even told them that they could even. Even. They could even go in. They could even go into fires. Now that had that vote. If they had. If we used to tell them if they voted for Kamala, they Can't go into that house to put out the fire. But now we told them they could put out the fire.

[B]

Jesse. Really? Like Frisbees.

[A]

Like Frisbee's cousin. Maybe we'll make that a T shirt.

[B]

So.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So.

[A]

Yeah, so.

[B]

Yeah. So Alexander the Great tutored by Aristotle. Which is sick. Yeah.

[A]

I mean, think about how what a smart. Now we're talking about. He's a teenage kid getting tutored by Aristotle.

[B]

He's a young teenage kid getting tutored. And he was just. He was a good soldier. He was strong from when he was young. And so there was this horse. There was this horse that. That his father had in his stable that nobody could tame. Nobody could tame this horse. Now, Alexander the Great loved this horse. Dog. And this is the horse that he used his whole life to. To. To. To dust up the sand.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

So this. It. It was. How do you pronounce that, boss? Boscolus?

[A]

Bucephalus.

[B]

Bucephalus.

[A]

Bucephalus.

[B]

So he tamed this wild horse that nobody could tame. And supposedly when he did that, that his father was so impressed, his father sat him down and said, son, Macedonia is not big enough for your ambition. You're a special kid.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're a special kid, and you're gonna do great things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so he rode that horse all the way through the desert.

[A]

And make no mistake, he was riding that horse past the horse judges. And my Uncle Russ was there going, that horse got a nice copy body.

[B]

He's got a coffee body. And this is my first place. Horse. Horse. Yes, yes. This is so. And that's the horse that he used the. The whole way to conquer. So then his dad always had plans to conquer Persia because Persia was always Greece's enemy. They were always screwing with Greece. You know the movie Sparta they wanted always were screw with Greece. But the Greeks never fell to the Persians. We always fought back. We always won. So the. The goal, once Macedonia got strong.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We're going into Persia. We're taking out Darius. Here's the funny thing. I always thought it was Darius, so I pronounce it D. Dari or something. People say it's not Kamala, it's. How do you pronounce it?

[A]

Kamala.

[B]

Kamala.

[A]

But I always. Kamala. It's Kamala. And a lot of people say Kamala.

[B]

No, it's.

[A]

It's Kamala Harris.

[B]

Kamala Harris. No, it's Kamala.

[A]

Kamala.

[B]

But a lot of people say Kamala.

[A]

Right? Kamala.

[B]

Or a lot of People say Kamala.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

So I used to call her Kamala and people get mad at me.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But it's, it's Kamala Harris.

[A]

It's Kamala.

[B]

Right, Same thing. I thought it was Darius, but it's pronounced another way.

[A]

And that Darius is the one who, in the movie 300 it that Darius and his Persian army, that's who they're fighting against.

[B]

Okay, so Darius was like the supreme leader of Persia. So Alexander just develops this reputation of just mowing down.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because they got these long spears. Right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So a lot of historians can't agree on whether it was more the spears or it was Alexander's military prowess. If you ask Julius Caesar and you ask Napoleon, they'll say Alexander's military prowess. Because make no mistake, Napoleon, the only reason why he went and conquered Egypt is because, is because Alexander did it. There was no strategic. They idolized Alexander the Great.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Napoleon idolized him, Julius Caesar idolized them. And so he's, he's mostly considered by most historians. He's considered to be a military genius.

[A]

Genius, right.

[B]

So the kid was just mowing down Floyd Mayweather style, Michael Jordan, six championships in a row, yelling at his guys. Yes, he's doing it.

[A]

Lance Armstrong winning everything with one ball.

[B]

Yeah, he's doing it with one ball. Maybe a little steroids. Maybe the kid did a couple of cycles. We don't know. Cuz this kid was motivated. Cuz.

[A]

Can I just real quick, don't you think at this point now Netflix did the live show, the live fight with Tyson and Jake Paul, whatever you thought about is fine. Shouldn't baseball or sports start doing that? Have a live home run derby where you let the guys go on steroids for a year and then you give them an aluminum bat and you Let them hit 900 foot home runs live on Netflix.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

And let's do that.

[B]

And I think what also baseball should do because it needs a little help during the regular season is just have a couple of blind guys with guns.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Just shooting onto the field during the game. Yeah, just they're blind, but they got guns. And you're just shooting.

[A]

It keeps.

[B]

It makes a movement.

[A]

I mean the kid, Shohei Ohtani, that kid is good.

[B]

He's an Eastern. Hemi, who's good?

[A]

He's an eastern. He's a Japanese kid. I mean he was hitting home runs where Even World War II veterans are clapping for him.

[B]

Yeah, it's what it is.

[A]

Because when you get a D Day guy that's clapping for show. Hey, that's A big deal.

[B]

That's a big, huge deal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's a Korean kid, right?

[A]

No, he's a Japanese. Japanese.

[B]

I mean, right?

[A]

Yeah, to a lot of these guys.

[B]

To a lot of people in their 90s.

[A]

Clap it for, like, 90s.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, he's a Japanese kid.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But a lot of people say because of how good he is in baseball, they think he must be Korean. Well.

[B]

Because maybe the radioactive helped. It could have.

[A]

That's got supercharged. Yeah.

[B]

Maybe the radiation did something special. Yeah. I. I'm not saying. I'm no expert. I'm not.

[A]

We're not even being mean.

[B]

But how could he be that good? Babe Ruth good. How could he be that good? He's just as good a pitcher as he is the homer in here. Maybe his radiation creation. Maybe it's a Godzilla stuff.

[A]

It could have been. It could have been. It could. It could be supercharged.

[B]

It's a character beast. Ladder 14. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes we're on the ice.

[A]

Yeah. We were staying around.

[B]

Sometimes we're in deep waters.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, We're. Right now we're in deep waters.

[A]

I'm trying to swim back because I'm in deep.

[B]

I want to get back on the ice.

[A]

Yeah. Because make no mistake, I have a zoom call today. The very first zoom call of the executives from the ABC deal I just closed. And I'm just gonna have to tell them to not listen in this podcast. They're just gonna say. They're just gonna say, is there anything. We need to talk. I'm gonna say, no, everything's fine. Just don't listen to history. Hyenas.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So Alexander the Great.

[B]

So then he gets obsessed.

[A]

Philip ii, son.

[B]

So he gets obsessed with killing Darius, which is pronounced another way. I don't remember. Yeah. So he gets obsessed. He's like, I want to kill this dude. I want to kill him myself. I want to kill him. So he's mowing down parts of the Persian Empire, winning battle after looking for Darius. Looking for Darius. He's hunting for the dude. Dari, at some point, gets word of how, like, ill these guys are with these long spears that Philip, his father, created. These long spears.

[A]

So what is. Explain the long.

[B]

Just a longer spear that they would throw something. I don't know. They throw them. They would stab you with it, whatever it is. They had a special formation they used. They used Greek soldiers. They used mercenaries. They were just. It was just the way he motivated his soldiers.

[A]

He just was.

[B]

He was a wrecking ball.

[A]

They were a professional army.

[B]

It was a Professional army, a wrecking ball. Just the way he led them. And supposedly he was in the front dude, he would lead. That's what they say. I always had. I used to have a joke about that going. I don't believe that because like nobody lives in the front guys. No, like does anyone? You know, it's always like the leader is always in the back on a horse, like looking, going like bad up there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because you know, nobody comes back with a sprained ankle from the front. No, you die. But supposedly he led them.

[A]

So. But, but it could have been that he was telling these guys, could have been right about me. There's no video evidence.

[B]

Right. He could have been pulling. Yeah, he could have been making a false controversy.

[A]

Yeah, he could have been doing that. We know a couple of guys who do that. Could have just been making shit up.

[B]

It a little bit.

[A]

But he's adult. But. But hey, marketing works. And make no mistake, this is show business.

[B]

It's show business business. There's a business business.

[A]

So it's just a biz. Just like Alexander the Great. He knew it was a business. He knew it was a business. And he knew that he would have to maybe create some controversy that where not, you know, could. He was going to have to create some controversies that may or may not have happened. And then if hit the fan, he was just going to have to pin it on the Indian kid. That's way song she ain't.

[B]

But supposedly most historians say he was that type of guy because he did get injured. But maybe. Well, his scribes wrote it down, right? Whoever wrote it down, we don't know. But suppose he's in the front. Maybe that's.

[A]

I mean that speech we listened to, somebody had to be scribing that down. But how did they write that quick if they were chiseling into the concrete? You don't know.

[B]

You don't know what he said. But it was a great speech though.

[A]

It was a dude, a fantastic speech. I want to come. I'm gonna sit the kids down.

[B]

Listen to this.

[A]

Look at all the you have.

[B]

Look at what I've done for you.

[A]

Look at what I've done for you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And you're gonna do this to me. So the kid Darius just finally gets a little scared. This is the great Persian Empire, right? And he's just hears about this kid, this wild Macedonian who's just mowing things down and he gets scared. He's like, yo, cut a deal with this kid, right? Give him part of the Persian Empire. Yeah, he's Basically a Hollywood exec going, here's a lot of riches.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Here's. Here's some of the land. Just please, at this point, when the letter came, Darius used to talk like this, like that. And then when he wrote the letter, he said, hi, my name's Darius.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. I wasn't really aware of who you were.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sounds like you're doing a pretty good job out there. And I just think we can live in peace now. We can live in peace.

[A]

We love it. Yeah.

[B]

Would you like a lot of money? Here's a lot of money.

[A]

Yeah. You know, you're kind of getting out of control. You're saying a lot of things. We can't really control you. So I just want to give you $100 million. I work for Spotify.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's why.

[B]

Basically just threw. But he said he. He had a message sent to Alexander. Here's $100 million.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Here's your own show. Just please. Here's part of the empire. Take what you've already taken and just leave us.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Alexander, who's just a nut. He's a Kobe Bryant nut.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Goes, no. He goes, no, I'm not doing this for the money, for the riches. I'm doing this for the glory of Greece.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I want your ass.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I want to do it. And he sends the message I want. If anyone kills him and it's not me, there's a problem.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So he keeps conquering, keeps chasing this kid. And Darius is just running. He's running like a ballet. He's just running. Get away.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So finally, this guy, Bessie or whatever, this other cat.

[A]

Oh, such a clutch off season pickup Dave.

[B]

I was worried we'd bring back the same team.

[A]

I meant those blackout motorized shades.

[B]

Line stock made it crazy affordable to replace our old blinds.

[A]

Hard to install.

[B]

No, it's easy. I installed these and then got some from my mom.

[A]

She talked to a design consultant for.

[B]

Free and scheduled a professional measure and.

[A]

Install hall of fame, son.

[B]

They're the number one online retailer of.

[A]

Custom window coverings in the world. Blinds.com is the goat shoplines.com right now. And get up to 40% off select styles plus a free professional measure. Rules and restrictions may apply. Okay.

[B]

Says maybe if I kill Darius, it'll stop. And we just give. We just stop this kid.

[A]

Because Alexander the Great. Because he. Because they're feeling. The Greek soldiers are feeling. On this quest to kill Darius. We're all going to die, too.

[B]

No, no, no. This was a Persian cat, Bessie.

[A]

Oh, Bessie's The Persian guy, I think.

[B]

His name is Bessie. I think Leon Messi. He's Messi the Great football. But just to find out his name, I think his name's Bessie or best side.

[A]

His name's Ramy.

[B]

His name's Robbie. Robbie Yousef.

[A]

Yeah, Rami Bestie Yousef. Shout out Ramy. Great show. I love Ramy. Show on.

[B]

Great actor, great show.

[A]

You ever see, you ever seen the Ramy's episode on Hulu about 911?

[B]

No.

[A]

1 of the best episodes in television, isn't it? Yeah. Go watch it. Go watch it. It's a great episode.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. So this guy Bessie or Best Eye or whatever. Whatever. Kills Darius and sends like the, like the. Puts him in chains or whatever. Like. Yeah. Sends the body and goes, look, well, Vessi kills Darius. Yeah. He does it himself because he goes, let me. Maybe this will stop this kid.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

His kid's a maniac.

[A]

He's just winning. Right?

[B]

We can't stop.

[A]

How does he kill him? Do we know?

[B]

I don't know. I can't remember how we know. Maybe we can look it up. So he kills Darius and Alexander the Great gets so mad he goes and finds Bessie and kills Bessie for killing Darius. Yeah, yeah. He's like, that's not what I wanted. I said I wanted to kill the kid myself.

[A]

Kids obsessed.

[B]

Yeah. So at little franks and beans.

[A]

Because he's Greek.

[B]

He's Greek.

[A]

Cuz he's a little inbred.

[B]

He's a little inbred.

[A]

A little inbred. Greeks, a little inbred.

[B]

Yeah. So.

[A]

Yeah. Because the reason why you're. The reason why your eyes are so close is because. That's how. Because your parents were so close because they were cousins.

[B]

That's what happens. Cousins from an island, bang out.

[A]

That's what it is.

[B]

It's. Yeah. Thank God I got a little Turk in me to just roast it. I think I would have one eye.

[A]

You would have one eye.

[B]

I think the only reason I got two eyes because a little Turk jeans got in there and just separated the eyes a little bit. Yeah. So that's what happened. Happened. So his name was Bessus. His name was Bessus. Right, so. And he was.

[A]

Yeah, Bessus. Bessus killed Darius. Bessus kills Darius III. He assassinated Darius in 330 B.C. and then Alexander the Great got so many. He killed Best.

[B]

He killed.

[A]

That's. I thought he was doing a favor.

[B]

He thought he was doing a favor and stopping this. Going like they were trying to stop the kid because the Kid was just, he was out of control. He was like a choo choo train. He wouldn't stop, wouldn't stop. And he didn't lose. They just kept winning and winning and winning. And so the Persians are going like, we're the mighty Persians.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, they were scared of him. Like, how's he doing?

[A]

So at this time in history, were the Persians number one and the Greeks number two.

[B]

Number one.

[A]

The Persians had. Were the leader. The Persians were the United States.

[B]

They were the number one. Got it. They had the Greeks, Chinese.

[A]

They're coming.

[B]

The Chinese. And they were coming, coming. They were the underdog. They were coming. They were the Oklahoma. Yeah.

[A]

Taiwan was Macedonia.

[B]

Yeah. They were okc. Right now they're just coming.

[A]

They're coming.

[B]

They're young team. They're coming, coming.

[A]

And.

[B]

And he got so mad, he. He went and killed him. He had him tortured.

[A]

He didn't know what he tortured.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

He had the kid torture.

[B]

His was probably used.

[A]

It's 100% Greek.

[B]

I'm sure when the Greeks did torture, they incorporated the.

[A]

Somewhat.

[B]

A little bit of.

[A]

As with a Greek torture, no matter what you do, you know that there's going to be honey involved. So I, I would assume that they poured honey and olive oil over them and they just let the scorpions eat them. Yeah, they did what it is. But they make no mistake. A Greek's not going to torture unless there's a little honey, lemon juice and olive oil involved.

[B]

It's what happened. And a goat.

[A]

It is.

[B]

And so then he, Then after he does that, he wants to keep going.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's like, we're gonna go get, we're gonna go get the laser beat. We're getting everybody.

[A]

Getting everybody.

[B]

Let's go. We're gonna fight the elephants.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the Persians did have some elephants too.

[A]

100%. But that, but I understand using elephants back then, that was a big, mighty animal. I don't, I don't understand using elephants in modern warfare. Yeah.

[B]

So then after that, after he. It's crazy. He conquers Persia, he goes down, they drive these people, they trap, traveled. They marched like thousands and thousands and.

[A]

Thousands probably dying along the way, dude.

[B]

The, the march he took his soldiers on, you could understand why they had had enough. It was eight years or 10 years.

[A]

Straight, because those kids, Fitbits, must have.

[B]

Been going off, off the charts. Yeah. Everywhere they went, they plundered, they raped, they got rich. And I think it just got old, even for them. And they were like, alex, we've had enough, dude, I just want to go home.

[A]

I've done it all.

[B]

I banged enough to. I've done got enough money. I've just had enough. He made the march all the way back down. So they were all the way up in Persia.

[A]

He made sandals, cuz.

[B]

In sandals.

[A]

They didn't even have sneakers.

[B]

They did this in sandals.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They must have had a podiatrist on 100.

[A]

Yeah, they had your father in law.

[B]

Yeah. So they march down and then he goes and he takes, he takes Egypt, he, he in the middle of Persia, he's like, let's go, I gotta go get that. So he goes down, he gets all.

[A]

That was Egypt high and mighty, that. Well that's Cleopatra, right?

[B]

Well no, yeah, that would. That comes later.

[A]

Okay, that comes later. Jumping ahead.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, that's. That's more of the Rome era, but yeah. So he takes and he found, founds. He takes Egypt and he founds Alexandria and he founds the city. And all along the way the kid is so wild. All along the way of his conquering of Persia, he named. He founds all these cities and guess what he calls them all?

[A]

Alexandria.

[B]

Alexandria.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He just, everywhere he's like, here's another.

[A]

Alexandria, because make no mistake, there's an Alexandria in Virginia he didn't even conquer. He just said, throw one over there.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. He just would call them all Alexandria. He did. He was not a creative kid.

[A]

He was a George Foreman. Just naming all his kids George Foreman or Georgina Foreman.

[B]

They were all Alexandria. And the one, wow. What the, the Alexandria that was the farthest in Persia, he named that one the farthest Alexandria.

[A]

That's.

[B]

They were all named Alexandria.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's only one Alexandria that survives and that's Alexandria, Egypt. But then it became like a powerhead, became like a, you know, a very.

[A]

He was trying to get intoxicated with the power at this point because the kid.

[B]

Yeah. I mean there's. How do you view this kid? I mean there was a lot of people who in Macedonia viewed him as a tyrant. They hated him, they thought he was a tyrant. There was different opinions, just like there are today of different political and military leaders. I guess back then you couldn't separate the military and the political leaders. They were both one of the leader, one of the same. So.

[A]

Yeah. You also couldn't publicly say back then that you disliked Alexander the Great. You'd be killed for that.

[B]

Head cut off.

[A]

You get your head cut off.

[B]

You get your head cut off. Yeah. But what he did do is he spread Hellenic Culture everywhere. And he did encourage intermarriage with the people he conquered.

[A]

So that's good to unify. Wasn't a racist kid now.

[B]

And he set up viceroys everywhere to control the areas that he conquered. But here's the thing about Alexander. He really was a great military general. He was one of the best, if not the best, but that's about it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because the empire didn't last.

[A]

Right.

[B]

He died when he was 32. So maybe it's like Jimi Hendrix, right. We're calling him the greatest guitarist of all time because the kid died real young.

[A]

Right.

[B]

We didn't get to see him like go into his 60s and.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And do Baskin Robbins commercials.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So maybe like if he would have lived, he would have like soiled his own legacy by doing.

[A]

Yeah, it's like, it's like, guess what? Like, you know, like Biggie Smalls was an. Is an amazing rapper, but he died too young. I mean, right now, make no mistake, you know, he would be on Ozempic and it just wouldn't look good. It just would be.

[B]

It would be a bad look like Madonna. Now you're just going, this is not a good look. Some people just live in past.

[A]

Look at Elvis Presley at the end of his life dying, you know, fat off on the toilet. You don't want that. If you would have died at 32, we're talk calling Elvis the greatest of.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

But you saw him at the end. So it's good that Alexander died at 32. How did the kid die?

[B]

Because if he didn't die because, you know, he'd be in his 50s and he'd be doing feta cheese commercials.

[A]

It's just what it is.

[B]

Selling olive oil or something like that.

[A]

It's what it is.

[B]

Maybe start a podcast at the time because it wouldn't be a good look.

[A]

Yeah, he would, he would just. He would just be coming into his twilight years looking at soldiers going, it's about radical acceptance.

[B]

Yeah. It would just be a different. We just know him as that young great conqueror. Yeah.

[A]

It's just, it's just what it is now.

[B]

So he dies. So he dies.

[A]

But before that, when does he get the bang out Cleopatra? How does that happen?

[B]

That's a totally different era.

[A]

Is that not Alexander the Great?

[B]

No, that's not Alexander the Great. They talk. You're talking about Julius Caesar, Mark Anthony, who also begged out JLo.

[A]

But wait a second, you got to.

[B]

Beg out Cleopatra and JLo?

[A]

That's amazing.

[B]

Yeah, it's amazing.

[A]

Didn't Alexander The Great in Rosario Dawson, this movie about Alexander, that was Roxanne.

[B]

Oh, Rosette, that was the Persian. It was his Persian wife Roxanne who murdered his other wives. She was a jealous kid, but she had a nice.

[A]

She was a.

[B]

She was probably a piece. The kid the kid banged. And then he had his. So then he conquers Alexandria before he dies. And the whole way. The whole way he's got these three generals that are really great. They don't get enough credit. Ptolemy, the other guy and the other guy that Jesse will pull up. Those are the three guys that end up after a lot of infighting, after he dies because he didn't name his successor. You know, he had no plans, he had no will. He didn't expect he was going to die. He died of a fever poisoning or something.

[A]

They don't know.

[B]

They don't know. But so Cassandra, Ptolemy and Seleucis were the three that took over his empire after. Afterwards. And the. The Ptolemy dynasty is the one that ruled Egypt. And that's where Cleopatra comes in. She's a descendant of the Ptolemies, that family. She's an inbred batch.

[A]

And she was a piece. Not.

[B]

Not even really. Supposedly. We're doing that. We're doing a. I think we did Cleopatra. We'll do it again. We'll do it again. She was supposedly just really confident, like sexy, but not that much of a piece. She had a. She had a nose.

[A]

Supposedly a big nose.

[B]

She had a beat, but was she.

[A]

And she wasn't purebred Egyptian. She ruled Egypt.

[B]

She was a girl.

[A]

Yeah. Because the Greeks ruled over Egypt.

[B]

Egypt. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's right.

[B]

That dynasty started from that general who was under Alexander the Great. Now, Alexander was a kid that had a boyfriend.

[A]

It's what it is.

[B]

The kid just had a boyfriend.

[A]

He had a banging chicks, but he had a boyfriend.

[B]

She had wives. He was banging chicks. A lot of the times he took wives to. For political reasons, to unite the places he conquered.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But the whole time, his true love.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And much like a Christian prissy situation, he banged women. And he loved a man.

[A]

He loved a man.

[B]

Yeah, he loved a man. How do you pronounce that?

[A]

Where do we see it? Alexander the Great's best friend was Hephaistion. Hephaistia, a Macedonian nobleman in general's army. And they said his best friend.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So make no mistake, because if you're a man with a best friend, you're banging that guy.

[B]

Dude. They were. It was his closest friend and bodyguard.

[A]

But they were together for 13 years.

[B]

They were lovers. So the situation is they were lovers and back then it wasn't considered gay. It's interesting, interesting when you hear about this stuff because everyone did it every, it was just everyone was bisexual back then. There was no. It wasn't considered. Oh, that guy's gay. The, the mo. The illest guys were doing it.

[A]

The strongest guy, Alexander the Great and Hephaistion would be having a podcast talking about the history during their time. And then at the end, they would just kiss on the lips.

[B]

They just, they just kissed them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And Alexander, when he was in a different mood for a different cuisine, he just ordered something different.

[A]

It's what it is.

[B]

So if he was banging his wife and then the next night he was like, give me a ballist, boy. Yeah, I'm just gonna play with his. And then bring. And when I want love, I'm calling Hestav. What's, how do you pronounce that?

[A]

I think it's he.

[B]

I'm calling he and I'm cuddling with.

[A]

What it is cuz. Alex is cuddling. Alexander the Great said, I need for the table.

[B]

For the table. What it is. But when he wanted love and he wanted to cuddle and he wanted to lay on somebody's hairy chest, he called.

[A]

He called up a face who is.

[B]

His bodyguard, guard, and his best friend. And they were lovers because they were, they were in a relationship.

[A]

It's one for years. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And so they were together for over 13 years. They were together this whole run until he died. He traveled with him. He took his family on the road.

[A]

Yeah. Part of his family was just a guy.

[B]

It was a guy.

[A]

He had a wife, those kids. And then he had a boyfriend.

[B]

He took his. And it was his main guy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So make no mistake, his wives were not first tier. No. The boy Stavon was his family.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So. Because when he died, when he died, the kid did like, was mourning like crazy. Like, his wife died. He was like, all right, what are we gonna eat? Yeah, yeah. He was just like, what's the lunch? When this dude died, he made it into a holiday. There was like days of mourning all throughout the empire. The kid was wailing and crying. I think I, I, I don't think he had, I think he didn't even probably have sex after. He couldn't, he was too destruct grief. He couldn't. He just, you know, I think the only way he could get it up when he was banging these chicks was he was thinking about his Davion. He Just projected his Davion's face on these chicks that. But then when his David was. Guy just couldn't do it.

[A]

He couldn't do it. He couldn't bang anybody anymore. And then he was going to. He died soon after. Yeah.

[B]

And he would try different things. Like if you suck it a little bit, maybe I can get up. You suck it a little bit. But it just didn't do it. It just not enough.

[A]

He needed.

[B]

He needed that kid to be alive.

[A]

He needed to face Dion's mouth on that list. And it's just. Listen, isn't that wild that they were wild. And I kind of like that world. Like, why do we have to label everything?

[B]

Let me just be me. Yeah. There's. I don't think it's a coincidence that you're a kid who loves history, does this podcast.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And sort of obviously have those. Deep down you're. You're just ready for whatever.

[A]

That's what it. Cuz I'm wearing.

[B]

You spin the wheel.

[A]

Cuz I'm wearing a sweatshirt that says Fit Mommy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's just what it is. It says Fit Mommy.

[B]

No, look, if we were back then, I don't think we would be soldiers. I just don't think. I think what I would do, I. I would be too scared to do that. I'm not a warrior. I would be. I think. I. I think I would go gay. I would become gay. I would be. I'd go into a harem. As I'd say. I'd offer my balls and say, well, I get fed, I get. All I got to do is get banged out. Take my balls.

[A]

We've discussed this on hyenas. Years ago, we said we would be eunuchs in one ancient world. We'd be unix. And then like more closer to revolutionary wartimes, we'd be the drummer boys at the back.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We would just be hitting that drum at the. The back. And then we would go into. When we would go conquering different cities, we would be in there looking for sweets and looking for dudes. That's what it is. And we would be at the back of the army and we would probably. Dessert. Let's be honest. We'd be deserters.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We would be hung together. Dessert. And we would just. Still just be being us. And as we're getting hungry, be going cute.

[B]

Yeah. That's what happened.

[A]

What would happen? And then it would be. The army would be happy to get rid of.

[B]

We'd get hugged like this. Even if we got crucified in Rome. It would be funny to just put us in different eras.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Somebody's got to make. We're talking. The fans put us in different eras with this. You know that there's got to be a picture of us drinking smoothies or something. Yeah. Put us in the different errors. Put us in the crucifixes. Put us in Alexander the Great's army. Put us in Victorian in England. Just put us in those pictures.

[A]

Yeah. Cuz put. Put us on the crucifix and then put. Put us like with the smoothies and then just put Jordan ones on Yanni's feet.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We would have just. It just. We would have been those kids in any era.

[A]

Any era would be who we are. And I, I honestly think in any era, though, I think we would be probably to the real guys in the army, they would, they would be like, oh, these are the girls that we bring around. These two girls we bring around, even though, you know, they would just refer to us as women. And I don't. I think we might annoy them. But the top general would say, don't kill them because they're funny kids. They're fun girls that just hang around the army and the guys get a kick out of them. So they. But the enemy, and I think the enemy as well, if they ever captured us, the enemy would say, we don't know what to do with these girls. They're kind of blowing our minds. And I don't think they would kill us.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But eventually we die anyway. I would die from a heart attack from sweets.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you would, you would probably die because you would just be popping off and pontificating someone shoot you in the head.

[B]

Yeah. So, yeah, his, his empire didn't last long. His generals took over. That lasted longer than his empire. So that, you know, that lasted a long time. So, you know, he died in Babylon of either malaria, typhoid poisoning.

[A]

What are we talking about?

[B]

Alexander the Great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And, you know, his, his three generals took over his empire and then to varying degrees of success for periods of time, but a lot longer than him, like I said. But, but the culture, the Greek culture spread all throughout those. That. That region and mixed with local cultures and bred a lot of great stuff. And, and the Greek language was everywhere. And so his, his, his influence, you know, went on.

[A]

Went on. And so. And that's another thing to think about too, because by the way, I do think that we're coming into the glory years of American history. I think these next 20 years are going to be Real, really good. I have faith. But just know that as powerful as America is right now, they were never probably as powerful. If you're just looking at like geographical standpoint and just the way the world was back then, they were never as powerful as Alexander the Great's regime and army and even they crumbled. So my point is like America is great right now, but it could also go away because everything goes away.

[B]

And also those types of kids with the ambition you just see humans always go too far. If the kid would have just stopped, like he didn't want to stop. You got all of Persia, it's time to go home, set up your viceroys now, run your empire. He was, he was not a good administrator, he was not a good ruler, he was a good military tactician. Tactician. And I think he kind of knew that in his head or whatever and he was like, I want to die. Yeah, I think somewhere subconsciously he was like, I don't want to rule this thing. I have a definite rush from act actually getting this stuff right. And then he killed himself.

[A]

But that's because he didn't find peace.

[B]

And he didn't get friendly with his president and he didn't practice radical acceptance.

[A]

He got to practice.

[B]

You got to get to that point.

[A]

Unfortunately Eckhart Tolle wasn't alive yet. Just tell him what was going on to talk to him about the power of now. Yeah, I mean cuz make no mistake, we're gonna keep going. But we gotta eat.

[B]

We gotta eat.

[A]

But I gotta get. Yeah, cuz make no mistake, I'm a hungry kid.

[B]

We're gonna eat.

[A]

But I already had an oatmeal and I worked out a band it cuz I had a good workout.

[B]

You had a good workout?

[A]

We did burpees with 25 pound dumbbells and I did nice presses.

[B]

So you're working out like a housewife now?

[A]

Working out like a housewife now. Yeah. And I was just, yeah, Joe. I was on the phone with Joe Derosa the other day and he was like excuse me, hold on. And he, and he, and I was on hold for 30 seconds. I said what are you doing? He goes I'm working out. I was like what are you doing? He said he was lifting 10 pound dumbbells and doing bicep curls with them.

[B]

I was like yeah, that's all his shoulders can handle.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So he did have a favorite unic. So we will end on his love unix on this podcast.

[A]

And what a unit is if people don't know a unicorn eunuch is number one. Weishan Sheehan. Would you hear that sound effect? That was a famous eunuch. But what a eunuch is a man who gets his testicles removed in ancient times. Get his testicles removed. Because the thought was. And they were accurate on this was. The ancient rulers of the time would think we can't trust men around the harems of women or really around even them in the private councils. Because if a man is. They're all motivated by sex and you can't trust a man that wants to bang women. So they will remove ball. They would remove these sex urge from boys and they would call them eunuchs and they would typically work in very close with the king or emperor and they would rule over their harem of sex slaves that they had because they knew they were safe with this dude.

[B]

Yeah, they would watch the harems. They also had multi purposes later they would be sopranos. They'd cut their balls off so they could sing high. And also one of the. Another major purpose of them was to get banged out. Because when you take the balls out you don't develop the masculine features.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you're basically. They make you trance.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was the way before they had had like seriously like before they had like estrogen injections or knew anything about that. They just removed the balls at a young age and the kid just looked like a girl.

[A]

Yeah. It's just. What is. He got banged out.

[B]

They got banged out. Boys got banged out with their nuts. But he did have a favorite unit and that favorite eunuch's name was Bagos. And Bagos got bagged up.

[A]

It's what it is. Andrew Bagos.

[B]

Andrew Bagos, yeah. Got banged. It was his favorite unic and it. He had a relationship with that eunuch. So he had a favorite unic, he had a lover and he had wives.

[A]

And do you think that even at.

[B]

During that time ate everything on the menu.

[A]

It's what it is. Because do you think at that time, you know the kid Bagos, the other soldiers stand around and change that B to an F. When they were writing about him way song. You think they would just say that behind his back and they would just call him. Yeah, it's what it is.

[B]

Yeah. Bagos the younger.

[A]

It's what it is. Yeah.

[B]

He was his little adult lover. So it's just. It's. It's this stuff from history. Eunuchs are just one of these wild things from history that they just did to kids.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

They did it in the eastern heavens.

[A]

We've spoken about Nero before. Like how wild it gets.

[B]

It just gets wild and they just love.

[A]

It is. And we will do another episode on Nero. But one of the things I remember from our old history history hyenas episode of Nero fears goes that Nero was a kid that had, you know, know, wives and stuff and same thing. Emperor and the. And the difference between him and Alex, Alexander the great is. Yes, Alexander the great had a boyfriend and so did Nero. But when Nero married his boyfriend, Nero wanted to be the bride. So Nero put on the veil and the wedding dress and got walked down the aisle as the pride. Yeah, it's just what it is does.

[B]

Yeah. Power just makes your brain. It kind of good.

[A]

It. Cuz could you imagine going. Could you think about your wedding?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Could you imagine going down as the bride?

[B]

No. Yeah. Dude, power just makes you. When you. When everything is at your disposal and you don't have to work for anything, you, brain just goes into a weird place. It gets scrambled a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just like when people listen to this podcast, their brains get scrambled a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so that was Alexander the Great.

[A]

Yeah, Alexander the Great. And I do think he was great for what he did. I know that there's controversy around him, but I thought he's a fascinating guy. And look, when you go back in history, you realize when, you know, every time we do this podcast and we teach a history lesson, you realize things aren't really that much different today. It's just different Munich stuff. Yeah, that's just a little. But that's coming back now too, or it would have come back. But thank God you voted the other way.

[B]

Yeah. Do you think that's coming back at all?

[A]

Although.

[B]

Do you think it'll happen again, bro?

[A]

I mean, yet they're not cutting off their balls, but there's people out there who are stopping their testosterone from growing.

[B]

Wow. So they are.

[A]

Eunuchs are coming back.

[B]

Here's an interesting fact I just looked up about Bagos, which we are the chat GPT slots. Yeah. I just went to chat GBD real quick. Bagos was actually Darius's eunuch. Wow. So after. After Darius got killed.

[A]

That was a spite.

[B]

I think it was a spite.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

He took it because he was a Persian eunuch. That was. He was in Darius's court and it was. It was. It was his eunuch. So he was like this. Having him dead is not good enough. Killing Bessos isn't good enough. Now I need to fuck his eunuch. That's crazy. Yeah. So he joined his entourage and quickly Gained favor. And Alexander just fucking licked his neck and banged his ass.

[A]

It licked his neck and banged his. And cuz, you know what I just made me think of? I don't know why it's popped in. But you know what we got to do again? We got to go on a walking tour. Then we used to go on the big onion walking tours. We got to go on them when it gets nice in the winter.

[B]

Yeah. Should we read some Patreon names?

[A]

Oh, you wanted. Oh, yes. Well, yeah, that's the end of the episode. And now here we go, we got the Patreon names which by the way, we are catching up on. Okay, if you have not heard your name, please don't get upset. We will get to you. We just are. There's like 7,000 Patreon members now and we're halfway through. So we will get your name. You got to listen. Every week at the end of the episode, you go to patreon.com history hyenas. You put in a funny name and then we will pick the funniest name, we put them on a list and then we will pick the ppw, the pseudo penis of the week. And then your name will be up for a week at History Hyenas. It's is back dot com. We've been doing that, right? We've been putting up the ppws. All right, good. All right, here we go. So now the newest members of the matriarchy that have signed up in the last couple of weeks, let's bring it up. Oh, well, we got a big celebrity to start it all off. Steve Martin.

[B]

Steve Martin is here. Good to see you.

[A]

Daniel Donato, Joey Cum bum.

[B]

Cum bum.

[A]

Like crumbum from the old Frank Rizzo episode. But cumbum is interesting.

[B]

Here's the thing. He gets a 10 for Cumberland bum.

[A]

Cum is good.

[B]

Cum bum's going on the list.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Just because of. It's for crumb bum.

[A]

Yeah, got it. James Peckle. Make my pseudo penis sneeze. Not bad, right?

[B]

Put him on the list.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Wow. Right out the gate.

[A]

Right out of the gate. Two out of the six have made the list.

[B]

This is like Alexander the Great just charging into Persia. Right out the gate.

[A]

Then we got Hist Tism, Kevin Brown, Terrence Mark, Scott McDonald, Jonathan Delorio, Chris Harris Herrera. Daniel Atchinson, Tubbs McGubs.

[B]

That was a lot of straight to the backs in a row.

[A]

Yeah. Mike Thompson, Mogos Tedla. Then we got Kamala Harry. Ass Goo Gun. Okay.

[B]

Yeah, that's a Drexler Jack Kritzer.

[A]

Then we got Matrion on Patreon being a no hard R.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

Patreon. On Patreon. Obina no hard R. Oh, beaner. Like a beaner. Got it.

[B]

Victim of a bad read.

[A]

Sorry about that.

[B]

Yeah, victim of a bad read. I'm gonna. Yeah, it's victim of bad.

[A]

Then this kid put. He put two pictures of roosters and he wrote Aras kun poio Drexler, Dice. Then we got Chris down it. Then we got. I want to show Johnny that I'm tougher than a two dollar steak. Crazy style. Okay. Pujvit, Hope you're okay. Pushvit. I hope you're okay. Robert Elamari, Justin Rapa. Then we got Treat the border like Joel Osteen's church after Harvey.

[B]

Close it down. Close it down. Yeah, yeah, that's on the list. And that's a contender.

[A]

That's a contender because that was a name that had to. That was a two parter.

[B]

You had to think it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then that's a. That's the type of. That's when, you know, people are starting to get really played. Some guys are playing checkers on here. That kid playing chess.

[A]

Good job. Then we got Backyard bar wars is back, baby.

[B]

I'll give it Drexler.

[A]

Yeah. Matt Kelly, Meech Davis. Then we got Leroy with a laser. My fumes have a sour flavor.

[B]

Put them on the list.

[A]

Put on the list. Okay. Donnie Brasco. Then we got My girl's ex is a Leroy. It's just what it is. William Rice. Joshua Avito. Then we got Smithtown Water wants a cloud. Oh, sorry. Smithtown water wants a closed border.

[B]

Victim of a bad reading.

[A]

Still good.

[B]

Going on the list.

[A]

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, it's funny.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Lynn's P. Oh, Lynn's P. Chrissy used my glue as conditioner, cuz. Sam Drexler, Engelbert, Corey, Calvin Sleeball. Travis Cayabatto, Peter Deroche, Christopher Sarmientano, Caitlin. Then we got Kamala, Ding dong. Hannah Dillon, Avijni. Oh, we got Avigny Kosnessnov. Oh, we got a Russian spy on here. Rosie. Nicholas Shuri, David Owen. Then we got Scratch and sniff. My little David Cheese on your knees, please.

[B]

Drexler. Funny, though. Funny Drexler.

[A]

Then we got Barack is a queen because he sucks on Big Mike's peen latter for 14. I mean, that's a 10. Get the catapult down. Yeah, Kids on the list. He might be the contender now. Yeah. Nice rhyme. Scheme. Yeah.

[B]

And very funny.

[A]

Yeah. See? And then we got a tough one. This is a tough one to follow, but it's a good.

[B]

Gonna be the winner. Who's gonna beat that.

[A]

I know. And this is a Drex. I already know right off the bat. We got Kippy's left nut before one of the bets in his industry. But Kippy's left nut is great.

[B]

Yeah, that's. That's the definition of why you get Drexler.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Marcus Medrano, Steven Cheatham, Roman De Hoyas. Then we got the Menendez brothers are back. Oren Kush, Peter Curtis, Ashton Span.

[B]

Can you say we have a very Hispanic fan base?

[A]

Yes, we do. Yes, we do.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes, we do.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Yeah. Riley did the right thing on the 5th. What does that mean, Riley? Is that like a politician? Who. That's probably something we got to know. I'm sure it's talking about November 5th, election day. Maybe their name is Ryan. Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Landon Burtis, Jennifer Simonian, Rusty Scaliford.

[B]

God, I'm still thinking about that Obama one.

[A]

It's a. It's a 10. Then we got Brian. My girl's Hindi but has no fumes. Trust me, cuz, he.

[B]

Just a funny, funny Drexer. Unfortunately. Yeah. Unfortunately, it's just the wrong day for you.

[A]

Then we got Anthony Garcia. Then we got you Smell. Okay, Dispatching a friend.

[B]

Can't do that. You walked into one.

[A]

I walked into one. I'm sorry. Can't dispatch him. He's a friend of the show. Then we got Polish Trash Monkey Maddie with a fat dumpy wumpy.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Megan Irvine. Then we got Straight to the Back, Thomas Ocholic. Then we got Learning how to Box Breathe from Father Bill.

[B]

Sometimes, you know, it's Father Bill's so played out, but sometimes they get so inventive with it. Yeah, I'm gonna throw him on the list. But I'm just telling you, you're not a contender. But you're on the list.

[A]

You're on the list because Box Yanni's been talking about box breeding.

[B]

Yeah, it's very funny.

[A]

So we got Lisa Z. Cole Campbell. Then we got Backyard Bar Fumes with Chrissy D. Yeah, we got Lord Trump. Then we got On Feet Finder moving the monkey. I think that kid was just saying what he was doing.

[B]

Yeah, Strong Drexler could have been on.

[A]

The list, but Clark Denham.

[B]

We all know who the winner is.

[A]

Yeah. But we're going to keep going.

[B]

Keep going.

[A]

Wayne, Martin, Scott, Mitch. Because you never know.

[B]

You never know. Sometimes they come with an October Surprise.

[A]

An October Surprise. Benjamin Worth. Then we got Popas Diddy, Stephen, Stefano, Andrew.

[B]

Wait, That's a good one. Papas.

[A]

Papa's Diddy. Stefano.

[B]

Did he. Okay, I know what he's going for.

[A]

Yeah, that's good. Then we got Big Mike's glue gun. Okay. I mean, yeah, this. This fan base looks.

[B]

That's a chicken figure.

[A]

Then we got Baby swamp ass. Yeah. Sama Kasim. Then we got Mel. Not a big fan of Leroy's Gibson.

[B]

Okay, security.

[A]

But he is saying it's Mel Gibson. Oh, so he's saying Mel. Not a big fan of the Leroy's Gibson.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So chicken finger, but still not okay.

[A]

But still security. Getting us to the back.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not a whole bunch of confusing. We're not gonna do that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then we got Antuti here to get cracked open by the boys. I think that's an. Are you garbage fan.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Rebecca Romano. Screwed in. Turk on notice. No Diddy. Chrissy. Then we got Chrissy. Rubs his nipples, then get sad. Interesting. Cameron Campbell.

[B]

Somebody's got a camera in your house. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Tim Dillon's twink hat. Harum.

[B]

There's been a lot of variations of that.

[A]

Right. But it's good.

[B]

It's a good one. So Drexer.

[A]

Okay. Arik Valk, Luca Rosati, Pedro Clavero. Shiver me timbers. Kevin Wayne, Lexi Hazen. Then we got Robbie gets his rocks off. Hold on. Robbie gets his rocks off to defaults being mad at Tony D. Okay. Oh, sorry. No. Robbie gets his rocks off to the folks being mad at Donnie T. Oh, got it. Okay, Sorry.

[B]

Kid's a huge Donald Trump fan.

[A]

It's what it is. Ryan King, Michael Trenor, James Morris, Kevin Key. Then we got I'll come and see you in a different gay.

[B]

It's a good one. It's a good one. Throwback. It's Drexler, but a very good one.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Then we got Kraken, Jesse the Insole, Ed Eden, Eddie, Mike Yanni's old clownies.

[B]

It's a good one.

[A]

Good one.

[B]

That's a good one.

[A]

Drexler, Aaron Bailey, Merceri, Grayson Bell. Then we got Muzzy, who was married to their cousy wuzzy.

[B]

Drexler.

[A]

Okay. Jose Maldonado, Israel Gaetan, Froggy and Fatty's Feel Good Emporium.

[B]

This is Screwed in. Yeah.

[A]

Screwed in.

[B]

Go check it out, wherever it is.

[A]

Yeah. Then we got CJ Trickstar with a small character piece.

[B]

It's great. Drexler. Great.

[A]

Scott Edwards. Then we got Fish you fish you mo. Yeah. Okay. GT Evan Chotsko. Matt Curry. Tim Ray. Brandon Powell. William Minevar. Namin. Gene Demi. Camera. Then we got Yanni. Yanni. This is a tough one. Yanni. Say uni and Chris. It's with a chub. I'm sorry. It's. It's so many letters, it's impossible to read.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Cody Bail, you. Denise Hamilton. Then we got. Not Another Cooking show. John Black. Voldu89. Poopy butt. Then we got Jack Manley's four year. Hey, babe. Fumari, aka Joe the Rose's new lady boy for Rome. It's what it is.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Nicholas Daugherty. Then we got Tristan. Not a Muzzy. Maybe a cuz. He definitely. Okay, He's a black kid.

[B]

He's a black kid.

[A]

Kid. Yeah. Chicken Figure. Jimmy.

[B]

He's more of a Drex.

[A]

Jimmy Jean. 69. Then we got Chrissy Cuckmouth. For Christ. 69. Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Casey Watson. Jared Post. Then we got Ladder 14. New policy, not pulling Dems out of F if Donnie T doesn't win.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

That guy must have got on before the election. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Alex Schindler, Ian Gold. Then we got Jeffy. Make no mistake, my life's a fake. I'm trading in my snakes for a fish cake. Trump 2024.

[B]

Okay, that was a long.

[A]

What?

[B]

Good rhymes.

[A]

Yeah. Michael Degloia, Peach Lotsky. James Flack, Landon Edward Hernandez. Stephen Carinello. California is a hole girl. We free Brendan Egan, Mark Johnny Sullivan, Gil Claire. Then we got AOC's period panties.

[B]

Oh, my God. It's gross, but yeah. Put them on ebay.

[A]

All right, great. Then we got Namine with the clean Smash bean. Patrick Innis, Mikal. Yakub, G. Dme. Okay, we'll do these last group now.

[B]

I mean, with a smash bean.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

Drexler.

[A]

Okay, then we got g. Zenner Projects, LLC. Screwed In.

[B]

Screwed In.

[A]

J.G. andrews. Nielsen. Andrew Dean. Deirdre O'Neill. Honey Tune s. Tim Dillon's FF Twink. We get a lot of Tim Dillon's twinks. David Gomez. Trash Lewis. Teresa Tondonotti. Paul Malia. Certified Dessert Training Trash Zach or certified desert trash.

[B]

Certified desert trash. Okay, so he's been.

[A]

We know what they're saying about the SMM5. 5491. Deidre O'Neal. Then we got JP from the OC. TBG. That's voting red. It's what it is, cuz. Okay, so we know who our fan base is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nicholas Rodriguez. Getty Lee Foley. Loaded. Nachos like Foley from. Okay. Gabe Itch. Then we got Susio Papi.

[B]

Ch Chulo J.

[A]

Son from the Sea. Oop. Ivy Chelsea Utzler, Katie A. Brian Maloney, Enrique Calvin combs, Winston Welch. J.C. chavez. Okay. From NSync. Yeah, I like that.

[B]

J.C. chavez. Maybe it's him.

[A]

It could be.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Full of fumes. Then we got Madeline, Nick Edison, Rosario, Brandon Nagel, Matt Aldrich, Tom Sev. Then we got Luke Buck Chugging. Okay. Then we got Luke Butt Chugging. Lakeside maple. Yanni did 911. Yeah.

[B]

Dream. Yeah.

[A]

Then we got Mikey, my Nick prize. Mikey, my nickname in high school. Definitely didn't mean Vagina Minge. Okay, okay. Obama's Daddy, Juan Falco, 1/5. Lucas Grimm, Kevin Julian Falco, Sergeant Snuggles Tube sock cock with the Glock. January 6, 2021.

[B]

Good one.

[A]

Tim Dillon's Tiny Twink. We've just had it. Gage Peters, Ollie Platts, Adrenal Crisis jp. And then we have John Hartenstein is cracked open and Cleaned out. Okay.

[B]

Okay, so.

[A]

So we have.

[B]

Looking for an October Surprise. We didn't get.

[A]

We didn't get one October Surprise. I'm just kind of looking through this list. We don't have. Yeah, we don't look. Doesn't look like we have any October surprises here. So we're just going to start with this list.

[B]

Yeah. Give them an honorary read. But I. I mean, it's a definite for me.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[A]

We're gonna.

[B]

Sometimes, you know, they're all different.

[A]

It happens.

[B]

It's definite.

[A]

Yeah, it happens. Okay, so let me just. Let me just read them out. Just because we need to read them out. But we do know who the winner is. But we're going to read them out because. Making a mistake. This list started off extremely strong. So this is why you listen the whole way through, cuz. Because sometimes the list start off weak and then they get strong as the show goes on. You never know.

[B]

Never know.

[A]

So we got Cum Bomb. Make my pseudo Penis sneeze. Then we got two funnies, Treat the Border like Joel Osteen's church after Harvey.

[B]

Well, I'm going to call him a contender.

[A]

A contender still. Okay. Leroy with a laser. My fumes have a sour flavor. Flavor.

[B]

See, on any other day, guys, on any other day, either one of you.

[A]

Learning how to box, Breathe from Father Bill. On any other day, Smithtown Water wants a closed border.

[B]

That's contender. I mean, on any other day.

[A]

So this is so. So the contender right now is Treat the Border Like Joel Osteen's church after Harvey Smithtown water wants a closed border. And then last but last niece, this is the final contender. Barack is a queen because he sucks on Big Mike's peen Latif14 it's definitely that's the winner, folks. So that you are the ppw. Congratulations. So we can get rid of those. Those are done, guys. Thank you so much. History hyenas is back.com got everything up there. Patreon.com history hyenas where you have we have a bonus episode that's up there right now. Only way to get your name read out and yeah.

[B]

See us on the road.

[A]

See us on the road.

[B]

Yeah. I'll be in Portland this weekend, Friday and Saturday. I will be in Fort Worth, Texas, December 29, Dallas, December 30, Milwaukee, Dec, 6th 7th, Bridgeport, Connecticut December 13th 14th, Austin, Texas, December 20th through the 22nd. And then dates in Rochester and Tempe and Chicago and Philadelphia all coming up in the new year. San Diego, all that. So go to Giannis Pappas comedy.com go see Yanni.

[A]

And then I am in Madison, Wisconsin this weekend. I think shows are sold out. If you want to get a couple scalps, go ahead and get it. Then we have Phoenix. We'll be in Phoenix in December. Miami to close out the new year December 28th to the 31st. And then we have San Francisco. Cobbs Comedy club just announced all@chrisd comedy.com gonna put out some more dates for the winter. And then my Hulu Special comes out February 21st. So go check it out.