Bert Kreischer- Lucky to be Alive

Summary

History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas: Episode Featuring Bert Kreischer – "Lucky to be Alive"

Release Date: March 27, 2025

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1. Bert Kreischer’s Hiatus and Transition to Family Life [00:00 - 06:02]

The episode kicks off with Bert Kreischer sharing his recent nine-month break from touring, emphasizing his shift from a hectic road schedule to domestic life. Bert humorously acknowledges the sensitivity of his hosts, Chris DiStefano and Giannis Pappas, about the changes in his personal life.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert Kreischer [00:00]: "I took nine months off."
• Bert Kreischer [05:07]: "I stop doing the road and I come home, and it's me and Leanne 24 hours a day, seven days a week."

The hosts engage in playful banter about their own domestic situations, with Chris joking about their gay identities and the challenges of being more home-focused.

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2. Comedy Specials and Industry Insights [01:10 - 06:32]

Bert discusses his Netflix special "Lucky to be Alive," expressing gratitude for the show's success and its impact on his career. The conversation touches on other comedy works, including the show "Adolescence," which Giannis praises as a "masterpiece" despite its disturbing themes.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris DiStefano [02:10]: "I'm telling you, you're gonna feel better about yourself when you watch Bert Kreischer Special."
• Giannis Pappas [02:25]: "I would actually prescribe it that way... it's a perfect cleanser."

Bert reflects on his past performances and the satisfaction of connecting with large audiences, revealing his preference for the stage over a sedentary lifestyle.

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3. Emotional Moments: Losing Pets to Cancer [03:04 - 06:32]

A heartfelt segment where Bert opens up about putting down his bullmastiff dogs, Mac and Izzy, both diagnosed with cancer simultaneously. He shares the emotional difficulty of seeing his dogs suffer and the unexpected news from the vet about their conditions.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert Kreischer [03:48]: "Mac, both have cancer at the exact same time."
• Giannis Pappas [03:24]: "Dogs die at the same rate. Ukrainians do."

The hosts empathetically discuss the broader emotional impact of losing pets, comparing it to losing family members and the pervasive grief owners experience.

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4. Drinking Habits and Health Regimens [04:36 - 27:14]

The conversation delves into Bert’s daily alcohol consumption, exploring his relationship with drinking and its impact on his health. Bert candidly shares his extensive drinking history, admitting to consuming alcohol daily from age 22 to 40 and his strategies to manage it, including IV treatments and a strict carnivore diet.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert Kreischer [21:03]: "40 is the first time I took, like, a real big break."
• Bert Kreischer [22:15]: "I had seven 19 ounce liquid deaths to try to flood my system."

Giannis and Chris share their own drinking habits humorously, highlighting the camaraderie and understanding among the comedians regarding lifestyle choices.

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5. Navigating Sensitive Topics in Comedy [30:00 - 50:00]

Bert and the hosts tackle the complexities of addressing race and stereotypes in their humor. They discuss historical figures like Ulysses S. Grant in a satirical light, intentionally distorting facts for comedic effect. The segment includes edgy jokes that walk the fine line between humor and offensiveness.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert Kreischer [35:55]: "They’re joking, right?"
• Chris DiStefano [35:49]: "Jim Jeffries joke on that was the retard joke."

The trio reflects on the responsibility of comedians to handle sensitive subjects thoughtfully while maintaining their unique comedic voices.

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6. Balancing Podcasting and Stand-Up Comedy [51:00 - 65:00]

A discussion on the differences between podcasting and stand-up comedy, focusing on how certain material fits better in live performances. Bert emphasizes the importance of reserving personal and impactful stories for the stage to preserve their comedic integrity.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert Kreischer [56:46]: "Stand ups. The thing I'd hold on to forever. That's the last thing."
• Chris DiStefano [54:05]: "It's not only going to be home runs."

They explore creative processes, the spontaneity of live comedy, and the structured nature of podcast content, agreeing that certain jokes and stories are better suited for specific formats.

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7. Personal Insights and Life Philosophy [65:00 - 82:00]

The hosts share their perspectives on happiness, parenting, and maintaining personal well-being amidst a demanding career. Bert discusses his journey towards mindfulness and being present, contrasting it with his habitual screen time addiction.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris DiStefano [50:09]: "But if it works for you, that is the be all, end all."
• Bert Kreischer [63:01]: "I wasn't doing anything. I was just living vicariously through Leeanne's tits."

They highlight the importance of tailored approaches to personal happiness, rejecting one-size-fits-all societal expectations, and emphasizing the significance of individual fulfillment in family dynamics.

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8. Interactive Segments and Patreon Engagement [66:00 - 81:00]

The episode transitions to interactive segments where the hosts engage with their Patreon community, brainstorming humorous and outrageous names for group chats and characters. This playful segment underscores the collaborative and creative synergy among the hosts and their audience.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris DiStefano [70:37]: "Completing the list was a snoozer, but the first 20 minutes was on fire."
• Giannis Pappas [78:38]: "Straight to the back. Soon."

They conclude with updates on their respective projects, upcoming tours, and the mutual support that sustains their comedic endeavors.

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Conclusion

The "Lucky to be Alive" episode of History Hyenas with Bert Kreischer offers a blend of heartfelt personal stories, candid discussions on lifestyle choices, and the challenges of balancing different comedic platforms. Through humor and honesty, Bert and the hosts navigate complex topics, illustrating the depth and versatility of their comedic talents. Listeners are treated to an engaging mix of laughter, introspection, and the camaraderie that defines the History Hyenas podcast.

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This comprehensive summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key discussions, notable quotes with timestamps, and the overall flow of conversation. It provides an informative overview for those who haven't listened to the episode while maintaining the engaging spirit of the podcast.

Transcript

[Bert Kreischer]

I took nine months off.

[Chris DiStefano]

Took nine months. I didn't realize that. Oh, just fully home, like, mostly, like, just doing pause and home with the fam.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, because you guys are sensitive guys, that this will resonate.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. You could say we're gay men.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Both girls go to college. Both girls are now in college. I stopped doing the road, and I come home, and it's me and Leanne 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, yeah. I wake up, look at her. You again, huh?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Giannis Pappas]

How many times did you. Did you dial the first three numbers of a divorce lawyer? You're just like. You know, if someone was like, one when they're. No, no, no. It's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. We got into couples therapy just to have another person to talk to.

[Giannis Pappas]

What's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. I'm Giannis Pappas, and I am sitting next to Chris DiStefano. Mr. Matt. And I'm also sitting next to the one and only machine, Bert Kreischer.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Thank you for having me, gentlemen.

[Giannis Pappas]

Thank you for being here.

[Chris DiStefano]

Got a great special on Netflix called Lucky, and he's very thankful that the show Adolescence is out because it's bringing the numbers up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, all I know is that. That I don't. I' I. I'll just say that that show, Adolescence is the network's favorite show. That's the. The network's, like, losing their mind for it.

[Giannis Pappas]

Let me say that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's amazing.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's a masterpiece, but it's a little bit of a downer. It's a little disturbing. So a perfect cleanser. A nice little scoop of vanilla ice cream dripped in a lot of brandy and Jagermeister and beer and good tunes and journey music and fucking male ticks. Bert Kreischer.

[Chris DiStefano]

Bert Kreischer. I'm telling you, that show, Adolescence. Here's how wild that show is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm telling you, you're gonna feel better about yourself when you watch Bert Kreischer Special. And in the first five minutes of Bert Special, he talks about his wife sucking his dick and that her tits smell. So that's. So just know that's how wild your Netflix thing's gonna be.

[Giannis Pappas]

I would actually prescribe it that way. Like, I watched the show last night. I think it's a masterpiece. I think it's one of those moments that captures a cultural phenomenon that's happening right now that's very disturbing. And I would prescribe it. I would go birth specials out. Watch, watch adolescence. And then immediately. So you don't go put a gun in your mouth, go have a party right after, get dessert. And that dessert is fucking Bert Kreischer.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm getting a lot of messages from the special. Because the last story I do, the last bit, is about putting our dog down. And if you look at my stories, all it is is people crying. Right. And I remember when I was doing that bit on the road, I was like, I'm never putting this in the special. It was weird. Cause you'd see grown men, like, sobbing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because everyone loves their dog.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so many people. It's crazy how many people just put a dog down this week. So.

[Giannis Pappas]

So, yeah, because they die so quick. Like, you would think about. There's so many people at the same time having put their dog down. Because dogs only live. You're, like, constantly putting dogs down, dude. They become family members. It's like having a child that only lives till 14.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dogs. Dogs die at the same rate. Ukrainians do.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. They expect it. They're kind of like in a war.

[Chris DiStefano]

They die. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Our bullmast of Priscilla, we put her down, we got another bullmastiff. Prettier, I'd argue, but dumber. Mac. And we just found out he had cancer. He has cancer. We have found out they both have cancer. Izzy, our other bullmastiff, m. Mac, both have cancer at the exact same time.

[Chris DiStefano]

You think it's your comedy.

[Giannis Pappas]

It may be you is killing these dogs. Or maybe you're getting so drunk, you're just leaving a bottle around the dog.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just like. We're like, those kids and those families in upstate Pennsylvania that were all getting brain cancer.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. You're like, what's the common thing? Bert Kreis.

[Bert Kreischer]

The. And they said to me, they said to us, you know, Max got cancer. It's not good. It could be. Depending on what. If this works, could be anywhere from three months before. And so we're like, wow, man, I love the fuck out of that dog. That day I found out, I sat with that dog on the couch and whatever he wanted, he was all over me and drooling. And I was just looking at him going, buddy, I'm gonna miss you. And then the doctor called the next day, and they go, actually, I think he's got, like, 18 months. And I was like, oh, okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. All right. You're like, I'm going back out on tour. Then ye detect, Shane Torres. Come on, dude. That's Hilarious.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Like, well, you're so much. You'd have to find out about your dog's death through a FaceTime video.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've. I've been toured. I. Last night was the first. This weekend was the first time I did stand up in nine months. Yeah. I took nine months off.

[Chris DiStefano]

You took nine months. I didn't realize that. Oh, just fully home, like, mostly, like, just doing pods and home with the fam.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know, because you guys are sensitive guys that this will resonate.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. You could say we're gay men.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Both girls go to college. Both girls are now in college. I stop doing the road and I come home and it's me and Leanne 24 hours a day.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Seven days a week.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, yeah. I wake up and look at her. I go, you again, huh?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Giannis Pappas]

How many times did you. Did you dial the first three numbers of a divorce lawyer? You're just like. You know if somebody's like, one when they're like, all right. No, no, no. It's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. We got into couples therapy just to have another person to talk to. I'm gonna use that. The one joke I wrote week. I go, if I knew I was gonna spend this much time with someone, I would have married a dude. I mean, it's. It is non stop. She texted me when I was in Vegas this weekend, and she was like, this is the longest we've been away from each other in nine months. And I'm like, I mean, we went to France together, we went to Spain together, went to London together. We went.

[Chris DiStefano]

We just do comedy. Just life. Just living life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just life.

[Chris DiStefano]

And reaping the benefits of your career, finally. Because it's the first time you've taken off in years.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I don't like it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'd rather work. I'd rather work. Yeah. When I get on stage. This is so silly, but when I get on stage and, you know, 3,500 people in Vegas, two nights in a row, standing ovation when you walk out. I closed my eyes and I was like, this is where I belong. The fuck am I gonna do with this lady?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is my favorite thing in the world.

[Chris DiStefano]

What do you think? Because. And now that your daughters are grown out of the house, they're living their life, they don't, you know, the time that you have with them is just much less because they know even though you're fucking Bert Kreischer, your daughters still don't want to hang out with their dad.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, it's so crazy. You don't realize you spend every day with your kid until they're 18, and then you see them a few times a year and you're like, whoa, it's so bizarre.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm not gonna cry, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. It's. It's wild because those are my guys. Those are. That's my team. We did everything together. We went on vacations together. And. And now, like, I don't even get them at the same time. Like, I don't get both of them. Dude. The best was Saturday mornings. Both of them come down with all the girlfriends, and you have a bunch of kids in the. In the. And the things. Dudes, too. They'd all sleep in our screening room and I'd make everyone breakfast. And now it's just me and Leanne.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, that's how you know it's going.

[Bert Kreischer]

To happen, all of us.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, you know it's going to happen, all of us. Because, you know, I didn't want to hang out with my parents because my. My parents were a little bit of a bore. Let's be honest. My dad was a lawyer. My mom was a human rights lawyer. She was always ranting about communism or something, like. Right. And like, so, you know, good old days. Yeah. You know, if Burke Kreischer's kids don't want to hang out with him, we're.

[Chris DiStefano]

We're.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you're a good hang. I texted. Yeah, I texted them yesterday. I texted the group, we have a baby walrus chat thread. And I texted the group, I said, south Africa, one week, go on safari. Who's in? Still no one's replied.

[Chris DiStefano]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

They fucking. They want to spend time with their.

[Chris DiStefano]

You saw how Oscar Pistorius got out of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

He said, let me shoot my wife in the fucking bathroom and say it was an intruder.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you remember Jim Jeffries joke on that?

[Chris DiStefano]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it was great.

[Chris DiStefano]

Jim Jeffries doesn't remember.

[Bert Kreischer]

Was great because it basically was a retard joke. But he was on the ground. Yeah, but.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, I. But. But you know what? That's awesome. That. Because I always think about that, like, you know, when I see somebody like you who's obviously done so well, I mean, you've reached the Mount Olympus many times. I'm like, oh. Like, I was put. I was like, if I was ever fortunate enough to get to that level, I'd be like, I think I would come off the road. But then hearing you be like, the thing that gets you there is the thing that keeps you there. You can't just come off.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like a shark. I need to keep moving. I don't know why I need to keep moving, but I need to keep moving. I just, it's like, it's cool to like, to get into your feelings and slow down, but ultimately, you know, I said to my daughter Georgia, I go, God, I get bummed when I look on Instagram. I feel like I'm not living my life. Cause I'm just at home. My daughter Georgia goes, dad, if you feel like you're not living your life on Instagram, you're out of your fucking mind. She goes, I look at your Instagram and I get jealous, right? Because I'm your kid. And so that's funny she said that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Because I always, when I ever see your stuff come up, like, oh, a Burt must feel like pinch himself every day. Must love it. You see the whole world with your comedy, but it's interesting to hear you say you feel different.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude. I look at, I look at Stabby had two show, sold out shows in Denver. And I was like, God damn it, I'm not doing with my life. Like, he just, he just did him at the Paramount. I was like, I remember when I did the Paramount. What the am I doing myself?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I mean, while you have more.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tickets, I'm doing Red Rocks.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what I'm saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Red rocks.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

That can't be healthy, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Instagram's. Yeah, Instagram is poison. Yeah, it is poison. Yeah, it is. I mean, luckily, like, I, I get on those. You ever get like a good thread where it's like David Goggins quotes?

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're like, oh, I got a good history joke for you. Okay. So the whole thing on Instagram is like, dude, get the fuck out of bed. 3am, go for a run. Don't say, don't be a bitch. And then let me tell you a story about a guy, okay? Italian guy. He, he, he, he gets up every morning. He's a, he's a health nut. And he goes for a jog. And he's in a jog, he's up in like Lake Cuomo and, And he sees a big crowd and he goes, hey, what that crowd's doing, huh? And he goes over and he sees his boss strung upside down. And he goes, oh, shit, that's a Mussolini. That's my guy. And then they go, hey, aren't you his director of communication? He goes, I am. And they go, kill him too. So don't go for a jog today. Yeah, that's how that guy died.

[Chris DiStefano]

And that's a real story.

[Bert Kreischer]

True story.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's wild.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because they didn't know if it was really Mussolini. He was dead and upside down.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And people, like, identify him. Is that your boss? And he goes, it is. He's in his running shoes, and they killed him, strung him up next to Mussolini. What happened?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing about David Goggins is, like, you don't hear the real story. Like, he's. You're like, okay, what is motivating you to hurt yourself doing this? Like, he's got, like, knee problems.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. What demon are you running from that you need to do that every single day?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. And it's funny because all kids are watching.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's like, I'm not enough. I'm not enough.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, it's funny. And it's funny. Like, you need sometimes, like. Like, the woman in your life to, like. Because we're so, you know, inundated with comed and, like, work hard and whatever, and, like. So I read that book. I read that Goggins book and the most recent or the one from a couple of years ago, and it was fascinating. And I had Jasmine, my girl, read it 10 pages in. She's like, this guy is a piece of shit. And I was like, what? I was like, he's the man. I'm repeating his quotes, his workout. She's like, what do you. This guy's a piece of shit. She goes, do you want to. You want to be like this guy? It's like, his kids don't talk to him. His wife, he's divorced. Like, what are you talking about? And I'm like, yeah, but he's fucking. He's not a pussy. And she's like, chris, stop.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I'm like, oh, okay. Plus, he's talking.

[Giannis Pappas]

Talking to normal people who, like, work at Wegman's supermarket, and he's going like, get out there. He's like, I'm working a double. And then if I do that, I'm gonna kill my. Like, I need to go home and drink myself to death.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm a fan.

[Giannis Pappas]

I gotta. I gotta remember the fact that I live in Rochester, New York, and I don't have any motivation and I gotta drink myself to death to deal with the fact that I got Rochester all around me.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah. That's literally. Giannis watched Adolescence, which is a show about a teenage boy, you know, committing a murder. And it's parents and family and life falling apart and Because Giannis had shows in Rochester that, that it literally finally brought some happiness to him.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

For those four hours you watch it, because Rochester is bad. Would you rather be right now in Kiev or Rochester?

[Bert Kreischer]

I.

[Giannis Pappas]

You said he killed. He said he killed the girl. I, I just call him one of Andrew Tate's loyal soldiers.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right. They talk about Andrew Tate in that film, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I met Andrew Tate.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I met Andrew Tate at ufc.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, what kind of wisdom did he.

[Bert Kreischer]

I met him and his brother. Yeah, I met him. It was like the wildest fucking group of guys, right? It was. It was an algorithm was standing there.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, it was like, steve will do it. Andrew Tate, like the Nelk Boys. It was an algorithm. And I got caught off guard, man. I, I, I just was like, oh, Andrew Tate.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's our generation's rap pack.

[Chris DiStefano]

Seriously.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of. Yeah. What you got to do to be famous now isn't. Isn't dancing or singing anymore. It's like, yeah, tell these guys that they got to go out there and these girls, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

There's a. You know, Rogan used to say he wanted to be less famous. I think he did the wrong thing. I did get less famous.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was gonna say, yeah, I mean, I get it. But he went the other way. He might be the most famous man on the planet.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said something to him the other day that I didn't realize what I was saying, but I, you know, now that chat. GPT love it will tell you what to text back to people when they report. They text you. When people text you then chat. DTP would be like, oh, I'm so sorry. I can't do that. I have a prior commitment. And then I. Because I never know what to say to famous people when they text me. Like, they'll text me, and I just go. I panic. And then I ghost them.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was saying to Rogan, I was like, fucking. This chatgpt thing is also. I go, I can finally reply to famous people.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Not realizing Joe is the most famous person in the world. And I never reply to him.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm a horrible replying to texts. Horrible.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, Yeah. I could show you our texts.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm bad.

[Chris DiStefano]

Maybe it's because Bird takes I'm famous. But, dude, I wanted to talk to you about, because, you know, obviously, we all know about, you know, you love to drink, you love to party, have the, you know, one of the most viral fucking things about how much you love alcohol, and it's great. And my boy, listen to it before they go out drinking and whatever. But we want. I want to talk to you about the other most famous person who loves alcohol as much as you do, who did great things in this world was, we feel, Ulysses S. Grant. What do you know about Ulysses S. Grant?

[Bert Kreischer]

I know nothing about Ulysses S. Grant.

[Chris DiStefano]

You don't know one thing about.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wouldn't. I was just on the screen that he was president, and I was shocked when I read that he was president.

[Chris DiStefano]

He was the head of the Union army in the Civil War. So it was like Robert E. Lee of this. Of the south, your boys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, right. Yeah. And then.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then. And then the good guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

My dog.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, the good guys. We had this man, Ulysses S. Grant. Now this guy, Ulysses S. Grant, would get fucking annihilated.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, let's. Okay, now let's. Let's start here.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So for any of my heroes, I have certain things that need make you a hero. Like Winston. Winston Churchill. Sure, he's a hero.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's a big one. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's a hero because he lived to like, 93.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't know he had five strokes, but he lived to 93. Yes, that is the.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So that's the number one thing. How old does Ulysses say Ulysses S. Grant?

[Chris DiStefano]

I want to say Ulysses, he lived into. So he lived from 63 years. 18.

[Bert Kreischer]

We'll take it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, 63. And what's amazing about Ulysses S. Grant is at the end of his life, though, he died of, I believe, throat cancer. And the thing is, if you died of throat cancer, no matter what point of history, is because you. You were just eating ass and smoking cigars, what it is. And that's what he did. Oh, yeah, that's fine. But at the end of his life, he died actually, you know, even though he was president and a hero in the Civil War, almost penniless. And what a lot of people don't know is Mark Twain, the famous Mark Twain, wrote his autobiography and just gave him all the money because he had no money. So he was. Because he just was. Drank himself. Like he was such a bad drunk that he literally was president United States and just even shit the bed with that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, hold on. Was he president of the United States before the Civil War?

[Giannis Pappas]

No, after. After he got famous.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, hold on, hang on. He lost the Civil War?

[Chris DiStefano]

No, he won the Civil War.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he was on your team?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, he was on our team. Yeah. Yeah, I know the Confederate boys. The guys think you still won, but we actually. We did win.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I mean, if the south would have won. We would have had it made.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. 100. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's a song by Hank Williams. You know that? Yes. If the south would have won and we would.

[Chris DiStefano]

I dare you to come out to that on your next door.

[Giannis Pappas]

He totally could.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you talking about?

[Chris DiStefano]

People would go nuts.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean, dude, when you look out of Bert Chrysler's crowd, if I put a picture of Bert Chrysler's crowd in black and white in the Confederate army in black and white, you would not know the difference.

[Giannis Pappas]

Let me, Let me just tell a story real quick.

[Chris DiStefano]

Tell a story.

[Giannis Pappas]

Let me tell a story about Berg Kreis for.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

I love that Giannis. You. Our biggest guest we ever had on Giannis is in his pajamas.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I love that Giannis is in his wife's pajamas right now.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's not a big deal.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

So we. I, I went on. Bert was nice enough to have me on the, on the, on the boat cruise. And it was a. I. It was a phenomenal time. I had a great time. I did karaoke, I drank. It was just such a good time. Everyone was partying. The funniest thing that happened at that cruise was at some point, there was a speedo contest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

So there's a speedo contest. I. I wish you were there, dude. I wish you were there. So.

[Chris DiStefano]

Because he loves to sculpt fat people. Yeah, that's the thing. He sculpts fatties.

[Giannis Pappas]

But just to see. Because you. Nothing is better than watching black people watch white people do white people things.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

So Ms. Pat, wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

The only thing that's better than that is white people watching black people watch magic.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

They watch it like, Like, I actually was like, I went to Tanzania once and I went into the Maasai tribe, and I was like, I bet I could conquer these people just with a couple magic.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

They were a God. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, my God. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

So Ms. Pat was on the. And she brought like 30 of her family.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's.

[Giannis Pappas]

She had a plus 30.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, she did.

[Giannis Pappas]

She has, like, her whole family was there. Right. So they're out there on the deck and the speedo contest starts. And then I think Bert is offering, like, five grand to the guy who's got the smallest dick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. $5,000 to the guy who will show us the smallest show.

[Giannis Pappas]

So it shows the smallest dick.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean, you're in international waters at that point. What's the difference? No crime committed there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, Pete, do you still have the picture of that guy's dick?

[Chris DiStefano]

I have A video. Great.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, you want to see this dick?

[Chris DiStefano]

We would love to. And you're going to see that [e-mail] history Ianis is where you can. We will show that dick. But here we got to blur it out.

[Giannis Pappas]

I think it was ended up being a tie between two micro penises.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was two micro penises. I had to give him each five.

[Chris DiStefano]

And it was a dick was insane.

[Giannis Pappas]

I mean, it was insane. But what I was doing was watching this, and when. I mean, I was dying, I mean, like, I couldn't breathe.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm bowing over. These guys are going up there. They're atrocious.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I got these Speedos on. Some guys got thongs on. And they're dancing like white guys, right? Like, horribly. The music's coming on. I'm just watching Ms. Pat's family watch this. They're going, oh, my God. They're just going, yeah. What? Crazy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just going, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And then these guys pull out their dicks. And Mitch, Pat's family was just like, the stereotype is true.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

June Bug, her son June Bug was like, oh, my God.

[Giannis Pappas]

I mean, the smallest p. It was just horrible. White people dancing and then the smallest penis. And it was just black women watching, going back to their neighborhoods, going like, everything you've heard about white people is true.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, small dicks.

[Giannis Pappas]

They can't dance. They look like they've been burned with car cigarette lighters.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ms. Pat's family took over that cruise. Yeah, they would. They ran. We had scheduled stuff for the afternoon to party, and they just took it over there. They got on stage, they got the microphones. They. They took the aux cord, and they ran the entire fucking afternoon party.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, dude. Ms. Pat. I had Ms. Pat on my podcast once years ago, and she came in and she brought her daughter and a couple of members of her family. I was doing my podcast out of, like, my little tiny apart, and I just had her family sit on the podcast with me. And it was unbelievable. I mean, you start talking to one of her daughters, and she's like, I used to sell crack outside of school. And you're like, what, dude? She's like, I did my time.

[Bert Kreischer]

The first podcast I did with Ms. Pat. This has got to be fucking 12 years ago, 15 years ago in Indianapolis, when she was living in Indianapolis, and she comes to my hotel room, and we do it in my hotel room, and she brings her son Junebug, who is a grown man, and he proceeds to get into my hotel bed, take his shoes off. Get into the bed and go to sleep for the podcast in my bed. And I went.

[Chris DiStefano]

Didn't ask you just did it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just got in bed. Under the covers.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

My pillow.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

We did a podcast, me, him, and Mark Norman that never aired because I think we just got too crazy. We were too drunk.

[Chris DiStefano]

You knew who when. Mark Norman, me, Burt. Oh, and Mark. I thought you were. I thought about June button on the.

[Giannis Pappas]

You don't remember? Yeah, we did like a two hour podcast, live podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was.

[Giannis Pappas]

And everyone on your team is going like, we can't.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can't. Yeah. Oh. Oh, we. Oh, we. That was. Oh, my God. We should air that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, you should. Should air.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've had some bad ones where, like.

[Chris DiStefano]

You'Re, you're not even. You're blackout drunk. You don't know what you're saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

No clue, right? No clue.

[Chris DiStefano]

How many days, how many days in a row in your life do you think you've had at least one sip of alcohol? What's the longest streak you ever did? Oh, no, like years without missing one day?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, I'm not judging. I mean, it's a fun thing for me.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would say, I would say 20, 22 is when it started. And then I would say from 22 to easily to 40.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

40 is the first time I took, like, a real big break.

[Chris DiStefano]

So. So 18 years in a row. I feel like you drinking alcohol every day for 18 years is like me eating a booger. I've eaten a booger every day for the last 25 years.

[Bert Kreischer]

I ate one this morning, dude. I, I. But, but also my drinking is deceptive. Like, like, it, it.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're not deceiving us.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. I was wondering before I went on the tour, I was like, does he drink like that? And then I went in there. He does drink.

[Chris DiStefano]

What's deceptive?

[Bert Kreischer]

Cuz?

[Chris DiStefano]

Your cheeks are purple. You're. You're wearing your liver and. What do you mean deceptive?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's your urine.

[Giannis Pappas]

You climbed out of a body of water that you were in for two days.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, my cheeks get red lately.

[Chris DiStefano]

Not red. They're purple. Mark Twain's gonna have to write your autobiography.

[Bert Kreischer]

She says, I wish we'd go back to black and white. Yeah, no, but, like, I will drink. Like, yesterday I had a glass of champagne to start our day, and then I had two drinks for the plane, and then I passed out.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then had a beer before landing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then came in, had a beer when we landed.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then had. I didn't Finish my drink at dinner. And we had a glass of champagne before I went to bed. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's about six, seven drinks.

[Bert Kreischer]

But. But it's one throughout that day.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, I've had six, seven drinks this month.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you serious?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, it's possible. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's crazy. It's. That's. Hold on.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So you go home and you just sit there. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I don't do anything.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you just go like, I'm gonna go to bed now. And you go.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. You gotta understand Giannis's life. Giannis, the car he drives, the life he lives. We've talked about this. Giannis lives the life of a fireman's wife. He's a fireman's wife. So, you know, if the fireman is drinking 30 beers in a month, the wife would have a few. So he has a few. He drives a white Tesla. If you saw Giannis. If I wrote Giannis's attributes, he would say, that's the wife of a fireman. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Chris said that. Cause I had a white BMW. And that's exactly what fireman's wife would.

[Chris DiStefano]

Fireman's wife. It's what it is his husband's doing. Her husband's doing very well.

[Giannis Pappas]

As long as he get me that white BMW, I'm fine.

[Chris DiStefano]

Even right now, he's wearing the clothes of a fireman's wife. This is what a wife. Somebody, some fireman's wife has walked around in his big sweats and his white shirt.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. A Jordan 3.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, Jordan 3. Look, with. With ankle socks on. Fireman's wife.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, if I said to you. If I said to you right now, we should do a shot that doesn't make your heart race. Like where you go go.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, yeah, yeah. With fear.

[Bert Kreischer]

For real.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Because it's. It's like not even one.

[Chris DiStefano]

So I. So here's the thing, though. Here's the thing. I. I would probably do it, but what. What it is, I think something that you have. That's why I personally, and I swear to God, I think you're gonna live to over 100. Because what yours. You remind me of.

[Giannis Pappas]

Let's not get crazy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Minus 57.

[Chris DiStefano]

100 in doggies.

[Giannis Pappas]

Let's not get crazy.

[Chris DiStefano]

No. So. So no, because a guy. Because here's what I think you have. And I remember my.

[Bert Kreischer]

What I think. Fire alarm.

[Chris DiStefano]

Conducting a test. Oh, conducting.

[Giannis Pappas]

I thought Hamas.

[Chris DiStefano]

I thought Hamas is in here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it does. It does sound a lot like what you would have heard in 9 11. We have taken over the building.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, what you heard was it's a false alarm. What you heard. It's actually Bert's liver talking. And so. So. So, Bert. So. So what you have is. This is. Is. I think I remember a guy saw this group of old men, right? And they were eating. I think we were in Salt Lake City, and they were eating muffins and, like, fucking one guy, like, a big piece of cheesecake. And so me and my. The guy I was on tour with, Shout Out, Stevie Giaccone, Rice a Roni, were out there. And I say to the guy, I said, look at these guys. They're like 90, eating shit. So when we're leaving, one guy asked me. Cause this happens. He goes, are you a ball player? And I said, no, I'm actually. I do comedy at Salt Lake City. He was like, oh, it was comedy at Wise Guys. He was like, oh, okay. And I said, can I ask you a question? I said, you're eating all that stuff. How are you just eating that because, like, you're at the end of your life? He goes, I've been eating a piece of cake every day in my life since I'm 20. And he said, you know what the difference between my generation, Your generation is? I said, what? He goes, we don't stress about this shit all day like you do. He goes, I just fucking eat it and move on. And I don't think about it again other than in the moment when I'm eating it and enjoying it. He goes, what's killing you is not the sugar. He's probably wrong. It is the sugar.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he's the sugar.

[Giannis Pappas]

RFK Junior.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right? But he's saying. But he said, what's worse for you is your brain. He thinks he. And that. And I think there's truth to that. Like, I would worry about the shot all day. You just do it and move on. And you can. You've shown in the gym what you can do, how you endurance. It's like, because I'm the strongest.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm the strongest I've ever been. I'm in the best shape, like, physically I could. We got a 5k coming up. Yeah, I just benched 325 pounds. Like, I'm. I'm in great shape, and I party and I party, but I. But the thing is. The thing for me that I can't wrap my head around that you are cool with is the moment. The moment when, like, I'm about. I'm a romantic, I think. Was there a moment where someone goes, leanne will go, you Want to open a bottle of oh man, my fucking heart? I go, fuck, yeah. But when they come up to you at the airport or in the plane and they're like, can I get you a drink? Like, yeah, fuck it. I'm not doing anything for four hours. Let's have a fucking drink. Let's get to know the guy next to me, right? Like, I love, like, I enjoy that. I enjoy that. But I also take breaks from not drinking now. And I also get IVs twice a week. I work out with a trainer every day. I'm kind of. I mean, I drank seven waters last night before bed. Seven 19 ounce liquid deaths to try to flood my system because I don't know, I get. So I take care of myself, but I don't also. I don't eat carbs. I only eat.

[Chris DiStefano]

You eat, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I eat really clean.

[Chris DiStefano]

Your food is clean. Like clean as shit when you're drunk. You're not eating McDonald's?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope. I don't eat. I don't fuck around with food.

[Chris DiStefano]

You've always been this way.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, recently. Recently when I got. I took three months off from not drinking. And during that I got into keto and, and Rogan got me into carnivore diet. And I really kind of fell in love with it. And when I went to the doctor next, my levels were perfect. And the doctor's like, whatever you're doing, keep it up. And I just got blood work a couple months ago and they were even better then. And I was partying and I was like, how is this possible? And they're like, well, I see a longevity doctor. So I'm on testosterone, metformin. I got blood pressure medicine, cholesterol medicine. I'm on all the pills. I think IVs twice a week are really helpful.

[Giannis Pappas]

You're like the Joey Chestnut of drinking. Yeah, it's like you're training for like a drinking contest. If you're running a business, Chrissy, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table. When every customer conversation matters, you need a phone system that keeps up and helps you stay connected. That's why you need open phone.

[Chris DiStefano]

Let me tell you something, babe. In today's fast moving world, your team needs to stay connected to your customers. Without missed messages, communication silos, or slow phone systems. Flexible and efficient business phones system. It's. Listen, it's nice to have, but it's also essential to succeed. Enter Open phone.

[Giannis Pappas]

Open Phone is the number one business phone system that streamlines and scales your customer Communications. It works through an app on your phone or computer. So no more carrying two phones or using a landline.

[Chris DiStefano]

Babe. OpenPhone is offering my listeners 20% off your first six [e-mail] hyenas that's O P E N P H o n e.com h y e N A s and if you have existing numbers with another service, guess what Open Phone will do. They'll port them over at no extra charge. Open Phone. No missed calls, no missed customers. Cuz you don't like Lucy. You love Lucy.

[Giannis Pappas]

I love Lucy. Thank you to Lucy for sending me so many tins of nicotine. I'm a nicotine kind of kid and Lucy's got amazing flavors. Yeah, they're very creative with the flavors. You get a little mango, you get a little, you get a little spearmint, you can go espresso, you can go all types of ways.

[Chris DiStefano]

What I like about you is you get happy when you got a little nicotine.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, I'm a user. I'm a, I'm a user. I'm a fan. Here's the best part.

[Chris DiStefano]

Because you got nicked in more ways than one.

[Giannis Pappas]

I got nicked in more ways than one.

[Chris DiStefano]

And you got nicotine.

[Giannis Pappas]

I got nicotine because I got nicked.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Here's the great thing about Lucy is their flavors, but also they.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm always running low. Yeah. I use so much, so I always need to restock.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Lucy just sends straight to your door. I hate having to get out into my car and run around and find it. So just go get a Lucy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Tell them how they could get a nice discount.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's very easy. All you got to do to get your nice Lucy tins is go right now to Lucy Co Hyenas. Level up your nicotine routine with Lucy. Go to Lucy Co Hyenas and use the promo code Hyenas H Y E N A s to get 20% off your first order. Lucy has a 30 day refund policy. If you change your mind again, that's Lucy code. Use the code hyenas to get 20% off.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. So. Yeah, so I. But, but you know what's also funny? You said Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, because he's doling out health advice, right? Listen guys, eat the cheesecake. Just don't stress about.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm with Joe the other night and we were having dinner and he goes, he goes, oh, you know what book you gotta read? And I said, what's that? And he goes, RFK just put out a book. He goes, it's an audio. Audiobook. Get the audiobook.

[Giannis Pappas]

Is it called Only the Jews and Chinese Can't get by the Way Black.

[Chris DiStefano]

Black comics are the. I. I always think are just the best. Like humans. They're the best athletes and I think the best comics. I saw a guy who. I don't even know who the. What his name even is. He was just almost like open mic level. But we was talking about rfk. He was like that rfk. He goes, he's voice. He sound like he talking into a massage chair. And I just thought that was hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was the panic in my heart.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

I started the audiobook. I was like, please don't read it yourself. Yeah, black dudes are. I was, I was doing a bit about black guys. They are awesome. They really. The women, I could take or leave it. But the, but the.

[Chris DiStefano]

Except this Pat. I like this Pat.

[Bert Kreischer]

They can be a bit much. Wait, have you, have you ever dated a blackjack?

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like how dark.

[Chris DiStefano]

She was Jamaican? Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I want real dark. Like, I think that is so fucking sexy. It's so crazy because Leanne's real white.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like pink nipples. Like real white. And I. And I didn't think I'd be into that. Now I think I'm realizing I'm into the extremes.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right?

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Right. I'm an all nothing motherfucker.

[Giannis Pappas]

So you want like Wesley Snipes?

[Bert Kreischer]

You want like type in blackest woman in the world?

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean. Cause the way that they cut that picture off isn't great because I know she's from Nigeria, but they knocked out the. And that's not good.

[Bert Kreischer]

You gotta show that picture.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's not good the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Chris DiStefano]

Who.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where is that? Yeah, who posted that? That is perfect.

[Chris DiStefano]

The way that this pick is cropped out, it's not going to Nigeria, but we only see the first few letters and she is gorgeous and I don't feel comfortable.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. And also the country.

[Bert Kreischer]

Niger.

[Giannis Pappas]

Who named that? Some Italian dude from Bensonhurst.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's too close. Rihanna.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't even like Nicaragua.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. Seriously. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think that's a little Daisy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Too close.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't say that. Drunk. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The best player on Baylor. The NCAA tournament.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did I say it wrong? No, no, no. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

What I'm going to do, I'm going.

[Giannis Pappas]

To get you drunk. And secretly video you and make you say Nicaragua.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Nicaragua.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Just say. Say quick five times fast. Yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

You got to take your time around that word.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Just like Arnold Schwartz, the African American.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you see the. The. The. The Nigerian basketball team put in Nigerian basketball. They are the darkest dudes in the world. And they're. And they're. They're. Their outfits are black.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Their uniforms are black. And just as black as they are.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, they really leaned into it.

[Giannis Pappas]

But tall ninja.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, that's the wrong one.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, it's. I know who you mean. It's us played in the. In a Court of Gold documentary. What was that? Was Sudan.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sudan.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sudan, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Sudan team. That was like, yeah, yeah. You're like, whoa. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I think that one of their Even.

[Bert Kreischer]

Even our team was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Wild. Wow.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Guys in the NBA. I wonder. Probably a couple of guys. Yeah, yeah. That quarter gold documentary on Netflix, when you guys aren't watching Lucky by Bert Kreischer on Netflix, throwing that quarter gold documentary. Unreal. Even if you don't like sports. It was just so well made.

[Giannis Pappas]

Do you guys know why the hair of African people is so kinky? Because in evolution, it creates little air pockets, so it air conditions the head according to science.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love like that. I love like that. Do you know. Do you know? I was. I was doing a joke on stage. It's. It's a longer part of a joke, but our best. My best friend's Asian. And these are the two facts that I found fucking phenomenal. She's. She's in Soho right now, oddly enough, but she.

[Chris DiStefano]

You have a best friend who's an Asian woman.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And your wife's cool with that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's her best friend, too.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, it's her. Okay, cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're all three. Our families are really close.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was gonna say. Cause what do you go, hey, she gives me massages.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, she. She. She would be horrible at that. But she. One of the things she told me, like, I was. I would say, don't, Don't. If you're a person of color, don't tell your people of color secrets.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

To. To white people. Cause we use it against you, we're never gonna use it for good. Right. One thing Mexican women do. Did you know this? Every time a Mexican woman, her husband goes to work, I'll be the woman, you be the husband. They do the Stations of the Cross on them.

[Chris DiStefano]

Whoa.

[Bert Kreischer]

Isn't that badass? But it's like a weird thing. I love little things like that that you learn. And one of the things Sandy told me is they make special sunglasses for Asian people because type in Asian.

[Chris DiStefano]

They have to make smaller lenses.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Is it made out of.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're not like this.

[Chris DiStefano]

I wasn't even trying to be a dick. I just thought that's what it was made out of.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dental floss. Asian, huh? Asian. That's not how you spell Asian.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Athens.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. The kids.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Yeah. Jesse, he'll sculpt. He'll sculpt something. He. He has radar.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've been Asian fit sunwear.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Asian fit sunwear.

[Bert Kreischer]

So they. If you Google it properly, it would tell you the bridge of the Asian nose. Like.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah, you're right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Google guys. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Asian design for people with lower nose bridges and higher cheekbones. So I put these on Sandy. They just fall in her mouth, right?

[Giannis Pappas]

She's got no.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, what's another fun fact about Koreans, specifically we've talked about here on the show? They have a gene in their body, a chromosome. They cannot smell. They don't have BO and they don't need to wear deodorant. They don't have the. We have a gene in our. I forgot what it's called. But we have something that will make us. Our pit smell. They don't have that. They don't sweat. They really don't sweat. And they. And they don't have body odor. Korean, specifically.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And you know, about fact about Jews is they can shoot, shift their shape and crawl into your shoes. They can crawl into your shoes. So lace up. Lace up around them.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love. I. I love when you hear someone that's really racist and they say stuff like, no, you know they do have horns, right?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, you're joking, right? They're like, yeah, it should feel.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's why they wear yarmulkes. That's what people say. People say stuff like cover.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. It's a funner conversation. Racists are great Hanks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me tell you the best.

[Giannis Pappas]

They got fun stories.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you the kind of guy. Okay, just yes or no. Don't think about it. Are you the kind of guy that if a guy says the N word in front of you, you stop him and go, hey, man, you can't talk like that around for me.

[Giannis Pappas]

No, wait, cameras are on.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

[Giannis Pappas]

That is so horrible.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, no, but it's not. It's not that. It's not that I want to go around, like, if I'm being completely honest with you. If somebody said it for real, I would be a little bit like, all right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. Like, if someone said it, like, I'm saying, like, someone. Just. The word comes out in, like, have you heard the song All Gold Everything? Like, it just comes out. But if someone said. Said, can you believe what these. I'd be like, whoa.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I would. I. I don't know that I'm not the kind of guy that would be like, you know, reprimanding.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

But I would be a little bit like, I. I. You know, I like to judge people.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then talk behind their back. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

You know, I'd say, if it's.

[Giannis Pappas]

If it's Kanye West, I'd say, tell me more.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, right.

[Giannis Pappas]

I want to hear more.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just because you want to hear the.

[Giannis Pappas]

Story that tweet is coming very soon, where he's just gonna call all his people that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I mean, he's on to Jay Z's kids now. I mean, the kid is just.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's just what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

A great Twitter follower.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did he do it?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

He really did do all the bad stuff.

[Chris DiStefano]

He did.

[Bert Kreischer]

He did he.

[Giannis Pappas]

I think he did.

[Chris DiStefano]

Seems like. It seems like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, he did.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what it seems.

[Bert Kreischer]

It'd be crazy if the media was, like, just trying to fuck him. If I read a conspiracy that it was people at Diageo. His liquor people.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, I heard about that. That. It's like, because he. That's what 50 Cent. That's what they were saying, like, 50 Cent being an independent, saying because he messed with the Diageo people's money.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And that's like the real quote, unquote, Illuminati is these corporations that they were like, well, now your whole life's going to get turned upside down because of. I think it was something. A deal with Ciroc. The conspiracy goes. He didn't want to give up some of the money.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Because Diagnosis was saying the sales are down. And they're like, well, if you don't give it up, you're going to lose your life. And then. And then he did.

[Bert Kreischer]

I met. Supposedly I met the Illuminati in Mexico. Whoa. Yeah, I was. I was at a. I was at.

[Chris DiStefano]

A thing at a wrestling show.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't even really. I can't get into detail because I want to out people.

[Chris DiStefano]

But, like, I think the Illuminati, like. Like, they had.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no.

[Chris DiStefano]

You mean the real ill Illuminati.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, like billionaires.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like billionaires. That all Kind of their. Their rules are different than the other rules. I mean, like, it was so crazy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Did they.

[Giannis Pappas]

Is this going where I think I'm going?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no.

[Giannis Pappas]

What, you met the Illuminati and then you went on a train in Mexico and then robbed everybody in the train and that.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right, you got me. Yeah, Got me.

[Giannis Pappas]

I was like, I know where this is going. Part two, the sequel, in Mexico.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was. It was crazy rich people and I.

[Chris DiStefano]

Were you down there working for them, or you just met them?

[Bert Kreischer]

I had just met them.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm saying, like, it was so bizarre, because I know. I know a couple rich people, but they. I mean, a dude swam up in the pool. That is a guy we would all recognize.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you were like. And he was. We were talking about something, and he just came up, and I was like, what the fuck's he doing here? And then another guy walks up. I'm like, holy shit. And they're all friends. And then I know this one really rich person and I. And they said, where did you grow up? And I told him. I go, do you know? I went, oh, fuck this. This is the connection everyone's talking about.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the. It's almost like way comics are.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

With rich people. Rich. The Illuminati.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right, Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy. Like, that rich. Rich type of people, they live a different life.

[Chris DiStefano]

Different life.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. It's not.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, that's the thing, I think, you know, when people say, you know, oh, so and so, like, the Epstein's island shit, all that shit, it's like, because they were living without, you know, no rules, like, for so long. And then if at any moment the powers that be want to turn. Turn it on, your life is over. Because you think for so long you're going to. That's why I think some degree of anxiety is good. I know people say, get rid of your anxiety. I think some of it's good, especially in this world where it's like, hey, I'm scared to do certain things. That's good. Because if you start to live this life of. I don't have any fear of anything. I'm untouchable. You are. Until the right people say, you know what? Now fuck you. And then you're done.

[Giannis Pappas]

I think all the calm Jews are dead.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I think the ones that were going, like, it'll be fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

This guy's giving a lot of tax breaks and building some roads. This is going to be okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

You're an extremist.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is A crazy thought. Yeah, that is a crazy thought.

[Giannis Pappas]

It is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that is a real. That is. Hold on. Every chill Jew is gone. It has to be.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Because they're like, he's fucking. He's a good speaker.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not going to happen to us.

[Chris DiStefano]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

You were a hypochondriac. You got canceled last week. No, it's a holocaust.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

My home.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm staying.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. No, that's the name of the pod. All the Calm Jews with Bert Kreischer. That's the name of this episode.

[Giannis Pappas]

All the calm Jews are dead.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. All the Jews are dead. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, wait. Does that work through trauma all the way around?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like. Cause. So any huge, like, slavery that. There's only one type.

[Giannis Pappas]

First of all, I'm a slavery denier, so let's just start right there. I don't believe it happened.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure. I don't believe it's one of my favorite.

[Giannis Pappas]

And I'm going on.

[Chris DiStefano]

I have a sitcom in development.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm going on Darryl. I'm going on Daryl Cooper's podcast to prove it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Well, you are a slave, though, the Turk. You were enslaved by the Turks.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm just joking. I. Slavery happened.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. The Turks.

[Chris DiStefano]

Ottomans. Ottomans. Enslaved people.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

400 years.

[Chris DiStefano]

400 years. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

400 years.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think no one talks about that.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. No.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

You know, it's a. You know, Islamophobia. You know, you can't. Well, we were. They were. They were the good guys, I guess.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure. What can.

[Giannis Pappas]

What can you ask the rape genes I have in my DNA, they say something different.

[Chris DiStefano]

Let me tell you about.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yes, they were the good guys, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

Here's a fun story about Ulysses S. Got here. Yeah. This.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, he's with Burt.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's my assistant.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, there's just a random dude in here.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's cameo. I brought him in.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's the girl that swims for Penn State. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

There he is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

With his hat that he was a fucking samurai. That just appeared out of nowhere, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

So how about this? Listen, S. Grant, during the Mexican American War, he was so banged up, just drunk as fuck, he got caught. He was riding. He rode his horse completely naked through the enemy lines while he was just fucking butt naked. That. The. That the Mexicans didn't even know what to do. They just let him go. This. I think. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

This is what I'm saying, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

Go.

[Giannis Pappas]

You're right. He was. He was. He was kind of like the Bert Kreischer. Of the Civil War. Just back me up here.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's why I want to bring him up.

[Giannis Pappas]

Before he became like the general, he was just a drunk. He had no purpose in life.

[Bert Kreischer]

He.

[Giannis Pappas]

Things weren't going good, and then the civil war happened. He found his purpose. He was a good general. We're coming to a time right now where, like, you're going to be needed for something and then you're going to like, you're.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're.

[Giannis Pappas]

You're going to like the Ulyses grant. Like, we may need you to. You know, the only like people always say it's going to be somebody smart who unifies us. I'm not saying you're not smart. A lot of those brain cells are de.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Giannis Pappas]

You probably started out smart, now you're half right. But we're gonna need someone to just fucking throw a big party.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Like, if you're gonna do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

If Trump brought me in as like social chairman.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I just plan parties to try to get people together. Like, I'd be like, yo, okay, I know this doesn't seem right, but we're bringing in the Ukrainians and the Russians and we're gonna figure it out of our.

[Chris DiStefano]

You could be like a de Escalation counselor.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, what if I. What if Trump had. If he was really smart, what he'd do is he'd send me to be the ambassador of the Ukraine.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Right. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll get that figured out.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, let's go. Seriously, you would be the guy. You sit down, you watch the machine story.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you all I'm. All I'm thinking about right now is I know my next project.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Ulysses. That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. I'm going to be play user.

[Giannis Pappas]

Listen, I think it's perfect.

[Chris DiStefano]

Abraham Lincoln. Abraham Lincoln said during the Civil War, he goes, I can't spare this man. He fights. If I knew the brand of whiskey Grant drinks, I'd send a barrel to all my other generals because he was just aunt drinking a barrel of whiskey. Or a barrel of whiske a week. They said just Grant a barrel of whiskey. And then winning. Beating Robert E. Lee, time after, who was arguably the greatest general. You know, people don't talk about him because he represented the south, but just tactician. Every general says Robert E. Lee was the best and Grant Beatem drunk off a barrel of whiskey to win the Civil War.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who do you think is better? Who do you think's better at war? If you had to be, you had to pick a Team Napoleon or Robert E. Lee?

[Chris DiStefano]

No, I would say Napoleon. Napoleon is the best in the world. Ever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gangster.

[Chris DiStefano]

Robert E. Lee. See, the thing with the Civil War.

[Giannis Pappas]

You get forgetting one goat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who.

[Giannis Pappas]

Alexander the Great.

[Chris DiStefano]

Alexander the Great.

[Giannis Pappas]

Who Napoleon. Idolized.

[Bert Kreischer]

Idolized. Idolized.

[Chris DiStefano]

But. No, but see, the thing with the Civil War is, though, which, when you really dig deep into it, shout out Shelby Foote when he great books on it, is the north outnumbered the South a lot by a lot. Like three, four to one. They number them. And the south, though, the south had the best fighters. So the people who would go on, like, the people who represent the United States military Now, the Navy SEALs, a lot of them are, like, descendants of Confederate soldiers. The north was just a bunch of guys like me and Giannis that are just fucking kind of gay. We don't know how to fight, but we just outnumbered them, so that's how we won.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, it's every war. It's every war where you. Where you. If I don't think the north was fighting for something like they were fighting, they're like, fucking let him succeed. Who gives a fuck? But they were like, no, we can't have them succeed. And the South's like, you're trying to take. You're trying to change our culture. It's the same shit as Ukraine and Russia. Yeah. It's the same shit as Vietnam War. Any war where it's a reason we couldn't fucking clean shit up in Afghanistan.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're going into their tax.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Stands like 2, 0, right. They beat the Russians and they beat us.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. It's big time.

[Giannis Pappas]

You. You can't conquer those mountain people.

[Chris DiStefano]

No.

[Giannis Pappas]

Just doesn't happen.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, it doesn't happen.

[Giannis Pappas]

You look at Matt, you look at Montenegro, you look at Crete, like, they're just hard places to take because of the terrain.

[Bert Kreischer]

Montenegro. Can I tell you one. Can I tell you a history thing that blows me the fuck away?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gavriel Pritzip, he's a fucking hero in Serbia. There's statues of him every. He's the guy that started World War I. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

With Franz Ferdinand.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's a hero. That one guy changed history forever. Because of him, we have the Holocaust. Because of him, we have World War I and World War II. I mean, that one guy is responsible.

[Chris DiStefano]

Thank you, Mr. Princip, for all the great things you've brought to us.

[Bert Kreischer]

Gabrielo Princip.

[Chris DiStefano]

A Bosnian suburb, Right? And you're saying, but see, this is what history is, right? Because we hear it as like, you know, you just said Gave us the Holocaust, gave us World War I, World War II. In America we'd be like that guy in Serbia.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hero, hero. He created Yugoslavia, right? Yugoslavia was Montenegro, Serbia, Croatia.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. And I think Lithuania maybe.

[Giannis Pappas]

No, no, no, it was, I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was, I think it was Croatia.

[Giannis Pappas]

I think it was just Serbia, Montenegro, Croatia, and it was Bosnia.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bosnia, Bosnia, Kosovo, Kosovo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, that guy, statues of him in Serbia. I was having drinks with this movie producer in Serbia.

[Chris DiStefano]

Cause that's where he filmed the machine, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was really amazed that everyone's got T shirts of him on. Like if you bring them up, they're like, he's the man. And this guy, I forget his name. Fucking cool dude. Movie producer, older guy, smoked non stop, drank like a fish. He gave me a wallet and it had Gabriel Pritsip on the wallet.

[Chris DiStefano]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, oh, but it's crazy. Like one hero.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Alexander the Great's the goat with war.

[Giannis Pappas]

Alexander, He's Floyd Mayweather of it. Undefeated.

[Bert Kreischer]

Undefeated.

[Chris DiStefano]

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[Giannis Pappas]

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[Giannis Pappas]

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[Chris DiStefano]

Run your game. Yeah. Undefeated and. But I think with Ulysses S. S. Grant, you know, it just shows you that, like, I think everybody's different. Like, we can't have general rules as humans. That's what I want to talk about him. It's like, he was better drunk. He was better drunk than he was sober. It's just a fact.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's just a fact.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's a good point.

[Chris DiStefano]

So it's like, so to generalize drinking, you shouldn't be drinking Bert. It's like, you're better as you are. You're not the Bert that is actually making people happy. Unless, you know, you're. You're living the life that you want to live.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got pulled aside at a party by a guy. I'll tell you his name. Edit it out.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

And we're at a party, and he says he sees me with a drink in my hand, and he goes, so, when are you gonna admit you have a problem? And I said, I don't. And he said, what do you. What do you mean? I said, I don't. I think things are going pretty good. And he goes, you think because you have money and you do arenas and you're making movies and TV shows and your specials do well, and you think that you don't have a problem? I said, no, that's exactly why, like, if one of these things, I have a happy marriage. My wife has never said I need to quit drinking. I have great kids who have launched successfully into college. I have a great job. I have three great podcasts. I have a great, huge group of friends, and I happen to drink a ton. And because of all that, like, I'm. Yeah, that's. My method.

[Chris DiStefano]

Works for you, it works.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's like, also, it's like, mind your own business, you know? Like, what do you.

[Chris DiStefano]

It may not work for the next guy, but for you, it works. And that's what I think. Like, these general rules in society is what gets us in trouble. Like, a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, oh, you can't not. There's not one fucking be all for everything. It's like, listen. I remember hearing Jerry Seinfeld say, yep. I get up every morning and I take comedy just, like, a job. I go to work, I start writing all day, and I Write. I write eight hours a day. Well, I don't. Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. Yeah, so what?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, it's just everybody's different.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never saw Patrice O'Neal hold a pen in my life.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, he's one of the funniest of all time.

[Bert Kreischer]

If Dave Chappelle. If you told me Dave Chappelle had as a notebook, I would give you a million. I'd say, bullshit.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now, if you're not successful at what you do, and you might have to think about that and find another way, but if it's working for you, that is the be all, end all. Like, I just. It was interesting. I saw the other day. Like, it was like, you know, some article, like, the. The science is in. And it was. What it was basically about is happy children. If you're a parent and you have happy children, that the number one thing it is. There's no debating this anymore. The data is in that to have a happy child. Child. One of the precursors is the mom and dad need to be happy with each other. It doesn't mean they have to be married, divorced, separated, gay, straight, it doesn't matter. They just have to be happy with each other. So these ideas of, you have to make it work. You have to be married, or if you're not having problems, you have to be divorced. It's like, no, you just have to be happy. So however that works for you, two individuals, that's what breeds a happiness for your children. And there is no generalization. Religion gets in the way and fucks all that up, and it makes kids unhappy. If it's not working for your specific, you know, relationship.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, there's a guy. There's a. The one of my wife's friends, like, how can you let him go to strip clubs? And Leanne's like, it doesn't bother me. So, so, so, so, so that works for us. So I can go to a strip club if I want.

[Chris DiStefano]

Care.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't get jerked off. But I can go to a strip club, get a lap dance, whatever I want. It works for us and it doesn't work for them.

[Giannis Pappas]

Cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

But don't make one. Sure. No guy can go to a fucking strip club. What the fuck's wrong with you?

[Chris DiStefano]

These general. You got to look at your life, like, your specific life and your specific. And also, it doesn't. There might be a guy out there who's like, you know what, Who's a comic, who's not writing it, but the way that they have their career, maybe they're not doing arenas and Blah, blah, blah. But they like the way their life is. It's about your personal happiness.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, buddy. You guys, you guys, I. I have a hard time wrapping my head around you guys because you guys and Stavi included your generation. We were presenting too much.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, stop. They hurt Stavi.

[Bert Kreischer]

We were presented different, different equations. Like you guys got an equation that involved podcasting. And what's the one where you charge money? Not Cameo.

[Chris DiStefano]

But Cameo's one of them. No, but what's the Patreon?

[Bert Kreischer]

Patreon. And comedy worked different for us. We had to do comedy clubs, we had to do the funny bones for $1,300. That was our equation. That we didn't have podcasting until 12 years ago, 13 years ago. And then when that showed up, we could morph into it. But the idea that you guys could. Can take time away from the road the way I just did it was mind blowing to me. I mean, I just was like, no, you gotta keep, you gotta keep hammering or they're gonna never fucking leave.

[Chris DiStefano]

Because now. And you know, I still will go out, but it used to be even when I started, when we, I started about 2000, like getting on the road, like 2013 is when I started like headline 14. But even when I started in like 2010, like open mics, I remember agents being like, you gotta get on the road and get to Kansas City. Cause they gotta see you in Kansas City. Now it's like, go to Kansas City. But you don't really have to go. The fans of Kansas City will see you on the Internet. So you don't have to go there if you don't want to. If you're making enough money doing something else, you don't have to do that. Colin Quinn, you know, is like mentor of mine. He's the best. He's always like, I don't know how the fuck you podcast all day and then do stand up at night. He goes, because those ideas that were brewing inside our brains, you would write them all day at a coffee shop and then do it, you know, would have two shots at it at night at the Comedy Cellar, wherever you were. But now your good idea, you're just saying them out loud on a podcast to hundreds of thousands of people in some cases, and they're half baked ideas. And I think you should not put out the. I think you should have a stand up brain and a podcast brain.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's not wrong.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, like, I look.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's 1:11 I look at, like, if I say, like I said, I said something funny in the beginning of this podcast about being with my wife alone.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And as soon as I said, I was like, God damn it, I wish I had saved that for the stage. And like on Two Bears a lot. Especially, like. Especially if we say something really funny.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

We'll be like, take it out.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's smart.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom told me a bit that, to this day, makes me laugh. And he left it in the fucking podcast, and he can't do it on stage. And it is, as a dad and as a comic, I go, what you're doing is such a great bit. His kid goes up to him. Christina says to him to Ellis, Ellis is like, fucking wildly hysterical. Christina goes, ellis wants an app. And so he goes, okay, so he's gonna ask you for it. So Tom goes, ellis, what do you want? You want this app? He's like, yeah. He goes, It's $25, dad. And he goes, okay. And he goes, well, tell you what, why don't you do chores? And Ellis goes, how about this, dud? I do chores for one week, and in one week, I get the app. And Tom goes, okay, that's fair. And he goes, okay. So Tom goes, christine, Christina. He says he's going to do chores for a week. And after a week, he gets. Christina goes, tom, he doesn't know how long a week is. Yeah. Tom goes back, he goes, ellis, how long do you think a week is? He goes, tomorrow?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. He doesn't know. He's a kid.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I need it now. Yeah, now. I don't. Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. But the bit is so there. Yeah, but I was like. I was like, get rid of. Pull it and then work that out on stage.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, I found out, you know, I just had a Hulu Special come out, and I did not do one bit on that Hulu Special that I've ever done on anything. Netflix Special Zero. I've done it, you know, live. You're working out. Like, a lot of my Instagram guy who runs my shit was like, dude, a lot of these comments are. I've heard that bit already. I was like, I never repeated any of it. He's like, cause you do them on pods. And then I was like, yeah, some of them. And I found out, like, the hard way now where it's like, podcast fans don't give a fuck. It's all performance. So if you tell a story. I told a story about how my dad, you know, made me make believe I had special needs to get better seats at the end game. I've told that on podcasts. Before but never I I it on standup it's a totally different bit. The fans didn't give a like heard that, heard that dude. So now it's like you got to think like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what's, so what's your, what's your tier of is because number one thing for me is stand up. Like as I think about getting rid of things it would go this is the list of how I get rid of things. Okay. Number one would be acting. First thing I get rid of.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, me too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Get rid of acting.

[Giannis Pappas]

I don't do it anyway.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. But I enjoy it. But I'm, I don't love it. There's better people in it than me. Yeah. The second thing I get next thing I get rid of would be burqast. I get rid of that very quickly.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then I would get rid of then I would get rid of two bears.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then I get rid of Something's burning.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then stand ups. The thing I'd hold on to forever.

[Chris DiStefano]

Me too.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the last thing.

[Chris DiStefano]

I think we're in agreement. I would, I would stand up. I just. Because I end up where. Well if, yeah if you told me I can make if here's my dream scenario. If you told me I could make enough money to live my life doing one podcast a week, say this podcast a week and both our shares was enough to just live the life that my family can say yes to everything and then only do stand up in the New York City area. I would if you told me that that's what it's always going to be and you're never maybe never going to do an arena. You're maybe never going to be the Dave Chappelle. I would press that button right now and I would say give me one day doing standup and then the other three nights, nights I can go in the just around the city and my family has whatever they want. We're not wanting for anything. Give it to me right now. I would take it. I would take it right now.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'd retire.

[Chris DiStefano]

I, I, I, I could. I only go on the road because I have to at this point financially I don't do stand up. I will do standup in New York City for free. As a matter of fact, I can't tell you the last time I've taken Spock pay home. I give it directly to the waiters and waitresses or I don't or I forget to take cuz I'm not doing, I'm doing stand up because I Love, love it on the road. When they're giving me that check, I'm cashing it on the floor of the bathroom in the green room. That's how quickly I'm trying to get in my account. So that tells me something.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Where I'm like, oh, this is about the money and I don't want it to be. But it is because I don't want, I want to be in and around my kids. I love being in New York. I just want to be here. I like to podcast with my friend. I want to. If I get a TV show, I want it to be in New York. I am only on the road because I have to be.

[Giannis Pappas]

We're New York kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. We have that in common.

[Bert Kreischer]

So cool, though. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I just don't want to leave. I'll go to certain places. Like, I'll go to Miami.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Certain places. I like dc but when I'm in, you know, Kansas City or.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's just like, John, I'll, I'll be there in June.

[Giannis Pappas]

Wait to get out.

[Bert Kreischer]

I said, I know.

[Chris DiStefano]

And it's not about the people. We love the people. It's just, I just want to be home in New York.

[Giannis Pappas]

I want to be with my kids. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had said to Tom and I, I, I've been shared this, but we were, we, we were talking. I, I think I will tell you this candidly. I think this is the last time you'll ever get to see Tom on the road. I think he's not never going to do the road ever again.

[Chris DiStefano]

I told him that I opened up for him at the United center last last month and, and the, and, and in the round. Most tickets ever sold. United center, he annihilated. It was great. And I said to myself, you know, he put me in a beautiful hotel, the Ritz Carlton. I said, I, I, I don't think Tom's gonna ever do this again. I, I know how much money you're making on this tour. I have a good idea of it. Why would you ever want to, why would you want to keep this being your life?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I knew it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's. And he's has more interest in directing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I think, and building out Yma. And he's got more money than God. I mean, I know how much money I have. And he's got more. He doesn't pay taxes, so, like. Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

He's in Texas.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, he's got crazy money.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's almost like when talking and even talking to Tom, obviously he's A brilliant comedian, but it was cool for me to be, like, on the. On the, like, van with him because I was like, the way he talks to his team. Like, you're also a CEO. You're also, like an entrepreneur. Like, you're talking to these people, your staff, the same way way some tech CEO is. You just happen to be a great comic as well.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And so we were talking, and I said, and this is before this weekend. I just did Stand up in Vegas this weekend, and the idea of doing another hour was a little insurmountable for me. I was like. I was like, I don't know, man. I just put out this hour, and I think I did the best stuff I've ever done in this hour. And I definitely took chances I've never taken, and I did something a little different.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, dude, look at your outfit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. By the way, just the outfit was great.

[Chris DiStefano]

It was. It actually was. When you. When you went on it tonight, I think it was a late night show with that on. I remember I was watching with jazz and Jazz, like, he looks pretty good in that. There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

I made three of them. They're $15,000 each.

[Chris DiStefano]

They look amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. But I said to Tom, I said, this is my last tour. I start the Permission to Party tour in September. And I go, this is my last tour. I'm going to do this. I owe Netflix another hour, another special. So I go, I'm going to do this tour. I'm going to tape that hour.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I'm done. I think I'm gonna be done. And then I did Vegas, and I was like, fuck that. You got so much, dude. I did two hours on Saturday night. I had so much fun.

[Chris DiStefano]

New shit of all.

[Bert Kreischer]

New. Entirely new. And I was like, I just emptied the boat. And I was like, man, I mean, you know when you get a bit and you go, oh, I just thought of that, and this isn't even close. And it's so good. And I go, oh, my God. I got so excited. I got so excited.

[Chris DiStefano]

And you're having fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, okay, yeah, I'll do another special.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

It happens when you're up there. You're like, I don't feel like being here. And then you get up there and you feel that magic.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, it's like when we spoke to Pac Man. We had Pac Man Jones on last week.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love Pac Man.

[Chris DiStefano]

Pac Man. I was like, do you ever, like, you know, even though you're like, NFL great, whatever. I was like, were you ever on the field being like, this is my job. And he was like, never. Every single moment of my NFL career was like, I can't believe I'm getting to do this. And I think it's similar in stand up, too. Especially at the level you're doing it in those size venues. It's like, yeah, dude, you get, you, you. It's, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. Yeah, I, the thing is, if you don't stop yourself, your heart will.

[Giannis Pappas]

Liver. Liver.

[Bert Kreischer]

My liver. My heart. My heart's good. My liver's good. It's going to be my, My pancreas. That's the sleeper one.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Burke got taken down by bile.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, Yeah, I, I, I think I'm gonna, I think I'm gonna die saving people.

[Chris DiStefano]

100%.

[Giannis Pappas]

Catcher in the Rye.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I told you, there's not one part of me that ever thinks you're not going to live to at least into your 90s.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm gonna definitely outlive Tom. And that's gonna.

[Chris DiStefano]

100.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's gonna shock everyone 100%. It's gonna be like when O.J. died and all they did was talk about Norm MacDonald.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, Tom. The headline will be like, bert Kreisler outlives his partner.

[Giannis Pappas]

There's something to distress, though. Like, less stress.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I don't think Bert feels stress. I don't think when you, you're never like, I can't do this, I can't do this. You're just doing it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'm trying to get back to college, where you live in the moment and you don't think about tomorrow. And that's my whole journey these last nine months has been about being present and then, and, and having ownership over myself and not allowing anyone any ownership of me, like, and just going like, I'm a man. College was the funnest time. Sunniest seven years of my life was like, waking up and going, what do I want for lunch? That's it. That's all I thought about. Blimpy's. Ooh, Turkey sandwich at Blimpy's. And no, no phones. No one texted each other. Dude, I. This thing is poison. I mean, I get up in the first thing in the morning. I'm scrolling at 6 in the morning this morning. And until 10:00.

[Chris DiStefano]

What.

[Bert Kreischer]

What the. Like, four hours of my life gone. When you look at my screen time, I don't know if you know, it's crazy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Me too.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I go, that's time. I wasn't Doing anything. I was just living vicariously through Lindsey Pellis tits. I'll tell you. Can I tell you another thing?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Give out these gift boxes. When you do a special, give out a gift box like for unboxing, like we gave a bottle of vodka and a drink and a horseshoe and some dice and some cards, whatever. A lucky box. The. Do not give them to Chris Hart, Kevin Hart, Chris Rock, Kevin Hart, Pete Davidson, all the celebrities that you're friends with that you think might. They won't open them.

[Chris DiStefano]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Porn stars.

[Chris DiStefano]

Really? They film it and open it and.

[Bert Kreischer]

They go the extra mile. Christy Mack. Shout out to Christy Mac. Christy Mac goes, hey everyone, sorry I'm a little sloppy, but you can see my nipples. She was like, I got. It's the best fucking promo video ever. Yeah, it's the best promo video ever. I'm like, I'm just gonna send in the porn stars. I love it. I did do. I did fuck up one time and I got a porn star. She goes, you want me to help you promote your special? And I was like, yeah. And she shoved a piece of paper up her asshole and pulled it out and read it. And she was like, make sure to watch Bird special.

[Chris DiStefano]

I was like, nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can't fucking use that. Shoved it, pulled it out of her asshole.

[Chris DiStefano]

Was it. Was it clean though? Clean ass.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Hell was.

[Giannis Pappas]

They keep those things ready?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Job ready.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is squeaky on a porn star.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Dude. Anal sex in. In the movies they make it look like this just great thing and then do it in real life. They're. You come out, you got a chocolate covered dick. There's bile on it, right?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Anal sex is so overrated.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's.

[Giannis Pappas]

The asshole just opens up and you're like banging air.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. It's like it's. I don't think I've ever done it.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's like you got a great self lubricating thing right here. Why would you go to that dry hole?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I watched my dog Mac chase a squirrel much like the. And I. I kept analogizing it to how the way guys always say, I want to have anal sex.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cuz when he got the squirrel, it was way messier than he thought it was going to be.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

He was like, it broke in half. Taste good?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I remember once I did it in the shower and then there was just like a ball floating around in the. The two inches of water.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh my God.

[Giannis Pappas]

Just a perfectly round ball. Like I molded it with my penis like while it was in there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, you just.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're like. Like, you're potter. You're a potter.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

It just came out and then I just mushed it down the drain.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, it's what it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dumped it. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just stomped it out.

[Giannis Pappas]

Dude, you've never done anal.

[Chris DiStefano]

I've never done anal in my life. Wow. Never. Not once I've Any.

[Bert Kreischer]

Any interest.

[Chris DiStefano]

No. Yeah. But I just. I've. I've always been turned down. I've received it. No, no, I've never. I've never done it. I've never done it. But I. I want to. I just. You know my girl, right? She's.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, Leanne said, no happening.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Liam one time said, I want you to play with my.

[Chris DiStefano]

Nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, whoa. Never said. This is. We're. By the way, I'm over sharing. Because Liam would be livid if she heard this. This is like. This is like nine months ago. This is maybe 12 months ago. This is recent. Recent. And I went, really? I mean, it turned me on so much, right? And then second I played with her, she was like, I don't want you to play with my. She's like, I thought it was gonna be something else.

[Chris DiStefano]

Wait, so she'd be living at that. But the first five minutes of special, she doesn't care about that at all. I mean, you literally taught. And it did great bits. You talk about how you lost so much weight, you can see your wife sucking your dick. And then you talked about her tit smell. And I was just like. I was watching it, laughing. I was like, I wonder if he's going to get yelled at for that or. He did, but she did, and she accepts it for.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, she.

[Chris DiStefano]

I love that. I love that about her.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what's crazy is, you know how when you do. You know how you get your. Your hour and you start running it and running it and running it, and then all of a sudden it's like, almost like in rote. You're not really enjoying it. You're not living it. Well, that material, if I'm not in the moment loving it and enjoying it, comes off a little bit mean. And so, like, I had one joke she asked me to take out where I was like, it's the joke about this secret to a happy marriage is every morning I lean over and I kiss her, and when she looks up at me, I realize. I don't know if I forget the bit. It's fuck. What's about as a bit go.

[Chris DiStefano]

I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wrote it because of Rob Gronkowski. Rob Gronkowski. Gronk met Leanne. And I was making jokes about Leanne being old. She's an old lady. I'll get her.

[Giannis Pappas]

Is this the catcher's mitt? When you said.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no.

[Giannis Pappas]

Catcher's mitt. I love that joke. Is funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, thank you.

[Giannis Pappas]

You say like, she's old. She looks like. But you like it. It's like an old catcher's bed, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no. Love their Munson.

[Chris DiStefano]

Love to his body.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you. Every morning in the morning, I'm do the bit. I can't remember it. I go to my wife, I give her a big hug, I lean over and I kiss her. And she looks up and kisses me back. Because, gentlemen, when she looks back, all her skin tightens. And then I grab her ears and pull back and go, there she is.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And there was a.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's like a Sharpie pay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. There was a tag to that. And as your wives get older, you'll notice this.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

As well.

[Giannis Pappas]

Mine's not going to get older for a long time. She's young. She's 35 now.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. She's a geriatric. Pregnant.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes. But I said. I said, yeah, if we have sex, it's got to be missionary. If she gets on top of me, it's like a hound dog. Just. And she was like, that. That comes out. And I was like, okay. And then I had a joke about her declatop that came out. But she. But she made me tell the she saw to the Forum. And then she saw it right after that. She's like, it's. You're getting tired of the material and it's coming across mean. She goes, you need to smile when you're telling these because, like, people need to know you love your wife. And I do. And so those are the only ones that came out. And then I had. I've always have a joke about Isla. That's always every special that Isla makes me take out.

[Chris DiStefano]

Because she's like.

[Bert Kreischer]

I used to say, yeah, there's one was so fucking good. Good. So good. The kid said the funniest goddamn thing. Edit it out and I'll just tell you what she said.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

And you go, how much do you want to put this in? Right? It was. It was in Razzle dazzle. And we were at George's choir concert, right? And George's choir concert is five hours. And we island. I find out, and 12 years old, 10 years old, says that.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna put that in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And she goes, no, you gotta take it out.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right? So what?

[Bert Kreischer]

She goes, dad, I said that to you?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I didn't say that to the world. I don't want the world to know that. She goes, dad, I'm still in school.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. So. And I was like, yeah. I was like, okay. And then I said to her, I was like, I'll give you a hundred thousand dollars for the job. You know? She said to me, yeah, when you die, I get all of it.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean, smart kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, girl.

[Giannis Pappas]

I get why she wouldn't want that in.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. I love it. I put it in my. I. Every special, there's something she takes out.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, smart. All right, baby. Netflix. Bert Kreischer. Lucky it's there. You watch adolescence, you cleanse your palate with Bert Kreischer's Lucky. It's the best movie you're going to make all day, baby.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. And of course, listen to Two Bears, the Burt cast. He's the one.

[Chris DiStefano]

They know where it's at, baby.

[Giannis Pappas]

Good friend.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you guys.

[Chris DiStefano]

Come through, Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right, guys, as you know, Patreon names go to patreon.com history hyenas. We picked the best name, the PPW, the pseudo peanuts of week, and we got with us the one and only Sergio Chacon, AKA Blizzy, is going to help us pick out these best names. All right, so first leading off, and.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'll just say this. Patreon.com history hyenas for the episode with Sergio.

[Chris DiStefano]

With Sergio. That. And also, we're bringing Bay Ridge boys back. The. The. The. The sketch. We. We Put1 on YouTube. Chris. The crew of 82. But I think we should put a couple of them just on Patreon. Yeah, wouldn't that be. Oh, that'd be a stupid idea because already out publicly.

[Giannis Pappas]

Doesn't matter.

[Chris DiStefano]

You just talk about the show on the show, and that's what it is. And that's why you listen to the Patreon. This Patreon episode's won Wild. All right, all right. So leading off to the group, we got sick ass food, but my gun shoots glue. 420.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay, 420. Old school.

[Chris DiStefano]

Half potato, half sauce Squeak from the northeast.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Grab me by the pussy. It's Kamala Hairless. There we go.

[Giannis Pappas]

We've had Kamala Hairless, I think Slow.

[Chris DiStefano]

Ks, Then we got. Change my profile name Soul. I'm not canceled. Okay. Joseph Ripple, Adam Rush, Pat Flanagan. Chrissy D Has a toot. Hey, Passata and Ass.

[Giannis Pappas]

Is that A Jorge Posada ass.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Has toot. Hey. Posada ass. Okay. Race Bader Ginsburg. I think we've had that.

[Giannis Pappas]

We've had that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. That's a good one though.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's a good one. It's a chicken finger.

[Chris DiStefano]

Fart face.

[Giannis Pappas]

Fart face. A chicken finger.

[Chris DiStefano]

Thomas Juan. Alu Akbar Kokba. I guess.

[Giannis Pappas]

Wow. That's a good one.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's a good one.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's a good one. My Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

It almost britches the back door gutter. Slut. Okay, cuz I keep WD40 on deck because I don't like squeaks. Okay, you like that. But not on the list though.

[Giannis Pappas]

Not enough.

[Chris DiStefano]

No. Cisgender Sam.

[Giannis Pappas]

Cisgender Sam's nice. Good chicken finger.

[Chris DiStefano]

William Andrews. Then we got Fast in the fumarous. Tokyo sniffed. Go. But this is another one where Fast in the Fumarous probably makes it. Yeah, but Tokyo sniffed. What do you think? On the list.

[Giannis Pappas]

No, you're right. You're right. Directly you got to that second part. Drexler answered you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Logan Leesman. Then we got King Rodney of Science.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sorry about that. Yeah. Sometimes fans try to get us to say bad. Yeah. Then we got Tim the Toot.

[Giannis Pappas]

Tim the Toot.

[Chris DiStefano]

Funny. Then we got the exit ramps. And NYC look like churro burial grounds. Recently. Walked into one.

[Giannis Pappas]

Ladder 14.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, walked into one. Oh, okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

But let's just.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, just.

[Giannis Pappas]

We gotta. But we have to give credit. We're credit for the creativity of it. It's a walked into one. So I don't know. We can do anything with it. Yeah, but I mean the creativity.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's there.

[Giannis Pappas]

The humor is there.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's there.

[Chris DiStefano]

So what do we do again? The exit ramps in New York City look like churro burial grounds recently.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Basically saying Mexicans. You get it?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. It's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

I mean, what do we do with that?

[Chris DiStefano]

I don't. I mean, do we walk into it or. I think. Walked into it. I think.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got tucked in, screwed in. Then we got $3 bill, but voted for Donnie. Still Leonidas. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Pretty funny.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Drexer. All right. Leonidas and Golakos. Then we got Yanni the Clowny. King George. Dubai Bush's Franks and Beans. Yanni cracked open and cleaned out. Wrecking Crew. Eric Quigley. Ernest Goes to Camp on a Different Train. Okay. Then we got. My dad won't say black athletes names.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

On purpose. It's a character piece on the list. First one on the list. Okay. Just here for cool stuff. Why people can't say Tesla.

[Giannis Pappas]

White people can't say Tesla. Because black people say Tesla.

[Chris DiStefano]

Tesla. Yeah, I guess. Tesla. Tesla. Okay. All right. Father Papa John's. Because Chrissy is a ff.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, because Donald Trump calls it a Tesla.

[Chris DiStefano]

Tesla. Got it, Pete. Buddha's stinky hood. Zachary Zoa. Then we got Weishan's Eskimo bro left with a few me leaky glass gun. Anthony Pierce. Tom the Jordan of deport and Homan. Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

Why Sean? That's an oldie.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, why Sean? Jake Dom Gaiman. Basement oiled up last night. Sorry about that.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, but he doesn't like that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Smeller Shitz Geralt. Okay. Sean King's very light skinned father.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's a good one. It's a good one.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right, so right now we got one on the list.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, it's a pretty weak list so far.

[Chris DiStefano]

So far. But this is. But this is why you stay tuned, folks, because you never know what's going to happen happen on the next page.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, okay, that's the thing.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's just you don't know Taylor Eastman. Rob himself. Then we got James Buchanan's eunuch, AKA just a straight guy. Shekel cell anemia. Damn shenanigans. Damn it. I got cum in my peanut butter again.

[Giannis Pappas]

Put him on the list. And you know what? The Buchanan thing was very good. I'm a Drexel. That okay, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Loaded brotato monkey. Closer to a DUI than Yanni's. Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

All right, everyone's on an almost there.

[Chris DiStefano]

Almost Drexler it Chase Fury. Then we got full bean white flocking to a town near you character piece. Fart my dick if you're a toot. Jesus. The narrative. Anita Jenkins. Tony Fumari Ferrari. Rampuro. Post Opt Primus.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay, it's Chicago, but he's trying to post Optimus Primus.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I get it. That was a post Optimus primus.

[Giannis Pappas]

Post optimist premise is pretty good, actually.

[Chris DiStefano]

Pretty good.

[Giannis Pappas]

What he said.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Giannis Pappas]

Post Optimus prize. That's a good strong chicken finger.

[Chris DiStefano]

Got it.

[Giannis Pappas]

Three is that borderline list. Post optimist premise.

[Chris DiStefano]

This list for sure. This was.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, let's Drexler them.

[Chris DiStefano]

Drexler. Yeah, but just almost there. Yeah, yeah. $3 bills. $3 bills. D. And Chrissy's DB as Yani P. Solves the Israeli Palestinian eastern Hemi conflict. Thank you for your service. Hashtag I'm a Jew. Okay. It's a long run. Sergio zoned out. The thing with surgery is you can't Concentrate for too long. Got hit in the head. Britta Hollow. Then I've got that Haitian cum for that ass, baby. All right. Yeah. Then we got Franks and Beans plus Crazy. So I'm cerebral Ballsy. All right.

[Giannis Pappas]

Really good.

[Chris DiStefano]

Cerebral palsy. Cerebral ballsy. Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

Drexler. Not great enough.

[Chris DiStefano]

Fuma Bunker. Juliet Charlie Sierra. Yes. Dreidel Butt Plug. Oh, ye's Dreidel Buttplug Plug. Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

Straddle Blood Club. I get a finger. Chicken finger.

[Chris DiStefano]

Riley Hermosora. Then we got Pac Man. Wears a yarmulke under his helmet. No cte. Then we got Glue Streak with Fart and Lawrence.

[Giannis Pappas]

Wait, are we caught up then? If we got Pac man, we're caught up.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, but we still got a bunch of pages.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right?

[Chris DiStefano]

Right. We are caught up. But it's like that. Thank you to all the. The thing is with this Patreon is so many people join every week, which we really appreciate that it's hard for us to ever fully catch up.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right. But we can read all the names now again.

[Chris DiStefano]

We can.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean. But not today, though.

[Giannis Pappas]

Straight to the back. Soon.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a month's worth of names right here.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. Got it.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So then we got.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where.

[Chris DiStefano]

Where are we? Rigatoni danza. Major spagot. Mr. And Mrs. Widen Bush. You like Major Spagot? No. Hugo Boss. Frisbee Company. Maximum.

[Giannis Pappas]

Whoa.

[Bert Kreischer]

Walked into one.

[Chris DiStefano]

You go Boss Frisbee Company.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

They're saying they're Nazis and Jews.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. All right. Maximilian Junker. Then we got my Muzzy cousin is my muzzy cousy is so fuzzy, his static powers the Upper east side. Sorry.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Chris DiStefano]

Steve Sways. Then we got. Thanks to Donnie T. America went from FF to SS real quick. Okay. There you go, Ryan. Then we got my Eastern Hemi Glue Causes bird Flu. You Evan Buffington. My teeth are yellower than Indian swimming pools. Walked into one.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Yeah. Then we got William Stanford. Then we got Little Ricky Toot. Salmon Glutes. Then we got Derek Rose. Falling is my 911. It's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

Kid was a Chicago Bulls. F it hard.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yep. Linzer Toot. Then we got Linzer Toots.

[Giannis Pappas]

A chicken.

[Chris DiStefano]

I like Lin. Lil Ricky Toots. Salmon Glutes. Okay, read that. Then we got Go to Sleep with Stiff. Situation. Wake up Sticky. Situation. Situation. Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

Tried it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Brandon. Drew P. Balls. Okay. Drew P. Balls.

[Giannis Pappas]

Group P. Balls.

[Chris DiStefano]

Drew P. Balls.

[Giannis Pappas]

Great one. Chicken finger. The definition.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Stanley Tucci. Touch my coochie.

[Giannis Pappas]

Chicken finger.

[Chris DiStefano]

True Blue Jew. Joe Logan. Not Rogan Train. Okay. Walk so good, though. Yeah, but you can't. You can't. Powers. This was.

[Giannis Pappas]

You know what this is? This list is the walked into one hall of Famer. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Cfu. Elizabeth. Okay, let's just do one more page. We haven't found any bangers yet, but sometimes it happens and you just don't.

[Giannis Pappas]

All the beggars were walked into it. There was like three walked into woods that were beggars.

[Chris DiStefano]

She left me for a lesbian. Now it's only silicone in her buttigieg. Okay. Potato monkey with a couple of extra scoops. It's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

Couple extra scoop.

[Chris DiStefano]

Gay. So the kids. Couple extra scoops means you're gay. So the kid is saying he's Irish and gay.

[Giannis Pappas]

Extra scoop. Gave me his kids. Flamboyant.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. Coco Puffer. Paige Gillette. Ellen. Bro. Get me a water and What? Get me a water and a wawa S. Low KS. All right. He's a.

[Giannis Pappas]

Nothing's barreling you over, right?

[Chris DiStefano]

Nothing. Sergio. So far, Sergio's a. Sergio hasn't laughed once. Well, Sergio hasn't laughed once. But also Sergio's. His. His brain. He can't focus. Robert Sassamon Charles Roman Humber trip windham checo herbivore 770 genghis is khan. Stop fucking. My love flute does a Roman salute for a fat toot.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's a good one.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's a real good one. Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Michael Richards. Free speech. All right.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Can't chop it Bunny though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chicken Vigor.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got. Thought I was a Leroy but I'm a D. Stefano Call me Ye. It's what it is, cuz. Okay. Kippy, Slip, Nippy Luke. Then we got Sadapu Feeling blue Booty, booty, booty booty boohoo.

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, that's from our cast.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

Booty Boo.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. Steven with the ph but the Leroy Call me Stefan. Okay. David Matthews. Half gay, half Greek Amani Papas Little Bussy Squeak back. Tucker Carlson.

[Giannis Pappas]

We had Tucker Carlson.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Holocaust Survivor. My.

[Bert Kreischer]

What they said yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

My Amish glue gun holds buildings to Together Milk Me 69 Keith Blazer Leroy Peace. But I'm white Pre Come Baby Kaza Gaza Resort and Casino Jihadi Jackpot Dealer.

[Giannis Pappas]

There we go. Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Uncle Chick.

[Giannis Pappas]

The winner at this point.

[Chris DiStefano]

Uncle Chicken Taco Man Cyrus Logamami Trevor English Social norms are for religious gray AKA Jews Taylor Deshanel Itty Bitty Diddy Committee Cheyenne Geiser the Brooklyn Nets turned me muzzy now my bush is looking fuzzy Adam Rudy Giuliani Rudy Giuliani is a good one. Good one.

[Giannis Pappas]

Chicken fink.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. Chicken fing. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

This is just a fucking. This is like a.

[Chris DiStefano]

This list was just a snoozer.

[Giannis Pappas]

It was a little.

[Chris DiStefano]

Should we stop there? Should we try one more, Paige? What do you guys want to do there? You want to stop there? All right, so listen, here's the. So sometimes, cuz you know what it is? It's just a snoozer. But you got a great patreon. The first 20 minutes of this Patreon was on fire.

[Giannis Pappas]

This isn't on the Patreon.

[Chris DiStefano]

This is on the Patreon. Well, this episode was with Bert Kreischer. So this fucking episode was great. So the episode. Bert Kreischer episode was great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great.

[Chris DiStefano]

It was great. So you know what? It's not only going to be home runs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, here we go.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's not us sometimes, it's. Every list has its own personality.

[Chris DiStefano]

Here it is. My dad won't say black athletes names right on purpose. It's characteristic. A piece.

[Bert Kreischer]

Drex with that.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right. Drex with that. So that's out. Then we got. Damn it, I got coming my peanut butter again. We're going to Drex. And then the winner is going to be Kaza Kasa Gaza Resort and Casino Jihadi Jackpot Dealer.

[Giannis Pappas]

Actually really good.

[Chris DiStefano]

Actually really, really good winner. So you win. Go to history. Hyenas is back. You'll see your name up in lights. Tell everyone all the Fun's happening at patreon.com history. Come see us on the road. Christy. Comedy.com giannispopuscomedy.com we got a whole bunch of dates up there.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, see me in San Diego.

[Chris DiStefano]

There's this weekend, San Diego this weekend. And you could see me in. In Boise, Idaho next weekend. And then all my April dates are up there. Texas, Albany and New Haven, Connecticut. All right, baby.