Coachella, Lady Gaga, and Ancient music festivals revealed

Summary

History Hyenas with Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas

Episode Title: Coachella, Lady Gaga, and Ancient Music Festivals Revealed
Release Date: April 17, 2025

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Introduction: The Ancient Roots of Music Festivals

Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas kick off the episode by tracing the origins of music festivals back to ancient civilizations. They humorously highlight that music festivals are far from a modern invention, pointing to the Festival of the Drunkenness in ancient Egypt around 2600 BCE as one of the earliest examples.

• Chris [05:33]: "2600 BC and it was actually called the Festival of the Drunkenness, and it was in ancient Egypt... if the wristbands were made out of papyrus."

Yannis emphasizes the importance of acknowledging these ancient traditions, playfully dubbing themselves “history cuties” who blend historical facts with humor.

• Yannis [00:37]: "We’re gonna tell you about the history of music festivals. And of course, it all started with the Greeks."

The Evolution of Music Festivals Through History

The hosts delve into how music festivals have evolved over millennia, transitioning from ancient religious and celebratory gatherings to more structured and commercialized events.

Ancient Greece: They discuss the Pythian Games at Delphi in the 6th century BCE, which combined athletic competitions with musical contests honoring Apollo. This blend of sports and arts laid the groundwork for modern festivals.

• Chris [26:48]: "In ancient Greece, in the 6th century BC, this is one of the earliest, earliest musical festival vibes. It was called the Pythian Games at Delphi..."

Medieval Europe: Moving forward, they explore how medieval troubadours and minstrels performed at fairs and religious gatherings, contributing to the traveling circuit that is reminiscent of today's touring bands.

• Chris [32:43]: "Medieval Europe, traveling troubadours and minstrels... It wasn't necessarily an official music festival, but it was where the circuit began."

The Birth of Modern Music Festivals: Germany’s Contribution

The conversation shifts to Richard Wagner and the Bayreuth Festival in 1876, which is recognized as one of the first modern music festivals. Wagner’s dedication to staging his operas in dedicated theaters with specific acoustics and themes set a precedent for the organized, large-scale festivals we see today.

• Chris [34:07]: "So back then if you just dropped at 25, what you would do is just have 25 years of fun and then you're done."

Yannis adds a humorous take on the disciplined nature of German festivals, comparing it to their own dynamic personalities.

• Yannis [35:46]: "They're dualistic. They're kind of like Stephanie and Lady Gaga."

Coachella’s Origins and Rise to Prominence

The centerpiece of the episode is the history of Coachella, tracing its roots back to a rebellious act by Pearl Jam in 1993. Due to disagreements with Ticketmaster, Pearl Jam organized a festival at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, California, which set the stage for what would become Coachella.

• Chris [36:21]: "Coachella, the origins of it, it wasn’t actually founded until 1999 by Paul Talent and Rick Van Satten of Golden Voice..."

They highlight the official founding in 1999, with initial headliners like Beck, Rage Against the Machine, and Tool, noting that the first Coachella was predominantly white and focused on rock and alternative genres.

• Chris [37:46]: "The very first Coachella in nineteen nine was mostly white. They were not interested in anybody else other than white bands."

Milestones and Cultural Impact

The episode covers significant milestones that propelled Coachella into global fame. A notable moment was the Tupac hologram performance in 2012, which garnered massive attention and showcased technological advancements in live performances.

• Chris [44:41]: "The first time I came, you saw your first Jew. You almost ran back."

Post-9/11, Coachella experienced exponential growth, attracting diverse acts and audiences. By 2010, with headliners like Jay-Z, the festival began to integrate hip-hop and rap, broadening its appeal and becoming a melting pot of musical genres.

• Chris [45:52]: "Rappers sell tickets. People want to go watch rappers. And so now Coachella is a slam dunk, sold out event."

Yannis points out the role of social media in accelerating Coachella’s popularity, as attendees share their experiences online, further cementing its status as a must-attend event.

• Yannis [46:15]: "Probably social media really accelerated it because people take pictures of themselves at Coachella."

Modern Challenges and Comparisons

The hosts touch on contemporary issues faced by large music festivals, including security concerns and the commercialization of such events. They humorously compare Coachella to themed cruises, categorizing different demographics based on their festival preferences.

• Chris [47:21]: "The cool kids go to Coachella, the nerd kids go to Comic Con, and the fat, ugly kids just go on a cruise."

This lighthearted comparison underscores the diverse ways people engage with large-scale entertainment events today.

Conclusion: Coachella as a Cultural Phenomenon

In wrapping up, Chris and Yannis reflect on how Coachella epitomizes the blend of ancient traditions and modern innovations in music festivals. They acknowledge its evolution from a rock-centric gathering to a diverse, multi-genre extravaganza that influences music, fashion, and popular culture worldwide.

• Chris [46:35]: "So what you need from that is a little thing we call space..."

The episode concludes with their signature humor, inviting listeners to engage further through their Patreon and upcoming comedy shows, while reiterating the enduring legacy of music festivals like Coachella.

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Notable Quotes:

• Chris [05:32]: "Sometimes, even though the Greeks are very, very good, one thing they can't stop... is a little thing we call a sandstorm."
• Yannis [35:50]: "They're a little bit more like Stephanie on the battlefield, and a little bit like Gaga in the Opera House."
• Chris [37:14]: "The first festival with dedicated staging, acoustics, and a theme like how we have theme festivals today."

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This episode of History Hyenas masterfully blends historical insights with comedic antics, offering listeners both education and entertainment on the fascinating evolution of music festivals, with a special spotlight on the iconic Coachella.

Transcript

[Chris Distefano]

This episode is brought to you by Enterprise Mobility. From fleet management to flexible truck rentals to technology solutions, Enterprise Mobility helps businesses find the right mobility solutions so they can find new opportunities. Because if your business is on the road, they want to make sure it's on the road to success. Enterprise Mobility moving you moves the world. Find your [e-mail]. what's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. I am Chris Estefano, AKA Chrissy Coachella. With me as always, Giannis Pappas, AKA Yanni Yogurts.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yes, I'm Janni Yogurts. I'm Janni. Again, we're gonna tell you about the history of music festivals. And of course, it all started with the Greeks. And so just know that you gotta pay homage to the original people. The Hellenics.

[Chris Distefano]

The Hellenics. A lot of you, we gave you everything. Everything. A lot of you people probably think that music fe started very recently, and you're wrong. Okay, we got a banger of an episode for you today. And we're gonna tell you where music festival started, where they've went, where they're going, and what's all gonna happen. And we are coming to you live from the history news studio, which is about 3,500 miles away from where Coachella currently is. And that's a good thing, not a bad thing.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, you don't want to be anywhere near it. I don't want to be anywhere near it.

[Chris Distefano]

It ain't for me, babe.

[Giannis Pappas]

It ain't for me. I didn't know really what it was.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, what do you.

[Giannis Pappas]

I know I'm getting old. Where I just, I've just been hearing Coachella every year and I just, I thought it was like a woman's fashion brand.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Well, the thing is, the good news for me is that my is a 47 year old man and he's currently at Coachella. So it's a good thing he was let go because if I had to give he's at Coachella right now, I wouldn't be happy. Camper right now.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

But I'm pretty happy right now because I've let that go. What I've learned through therapy is just to. Sometimes you got to let things go. You have to unburden yourself.

[Giannis Pappas]

You got to unburden something.

[Chris Distefano]

He's at coachella and you're 50. I have to unburden. That what it is. He's a good friend, but I had to let it go. Just can't have it. We're living different lives, pal.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, it's just. Yeah, it's just there's. You got. You got a life. It's at Coachella, and you got a life where you're just on Zillow.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Because here's the thing. I gotta. I have burdens at home.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And most of them originated in San Juan, so. And that's why Coachella is not going to work for me. I'm happy for the people who are there right now.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Who enjoy it. And I'm very excited to talk through the history of this all, but it is not fun for me. I want to say something before we get into the history of music festivals and Coachella. You're going to learn everything you need to know about music festivals, where they came from and Coachella. But I do want to just quickly, very, very quickly say that Giannis and I are now doing a new bit over at patreon.com history hyenas.

[Giannis Pappas]

We're doing skits.

[Chris Distefano]

It's a new skit at patreon.com historyhinias it's called Snowstorm. And what we've done is we're doing a podcast from under the covers because Giannis would play a game with his daughter where to help curb her anxiety, she'd be worried about the snow and storms. We'd hide under the covers, and then we checked to see if there's a snowstorm. So what we've done is we talked about anxiety. If you have any anxiety issues, if you have anything that's bothering you, what you need to do is go to patreon.com history, submit your anxiety claim, and we will discuss your problem under the covers.

[Giannis Pappas]

Under the covers, where you're always safe because there's a snowstorm outside. But when you go under the covers, you're safe from the snowstorm. The only thing you're not safe from under the covers is a fart.

[Chris Distefano]

Right. That's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

So when me and Chris, we just did our first episode of Snowstorm.

[Chris Distefano]

Yep. And we dutch oven a little bit.

[Giannis Pappas]

And that's the thing. It's sort of Russian roulette. Am I going to dutch oven him or is he going to dutch oven me? And I won.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And I want to differentiate this snowstorm. This is a snowstorm about anxiety. Show about anxiety. This is not what we said black people call gentrification.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

That's another kind of snowstorm. When black people see loads of white people coming to the neighborhood, they call it a snowstorm. They say, yo, we about to get a snowstorm.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's Right. Yeah, that's right. Also, we got. We got our first lot of 14 audio podcasts coming.

[Chris Distefano]

That's up there.

[Giannis Pappas]

Those will be monthly. You're going to be hearing from Sean, Sean, Terry and Patrick Mulroney up there.

[Chris Distefano]

Audio only.

[Giannis Pappas]

Audio only. Because they just do audio podcasts. And of course, your weekly bonus episodes. And you get the main episode a day early. Uncackled. You know, it's just, you know, you just. Don't be a fucking rat.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Just listen to it, enjoy it. Don't be a fucking rat.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Because our fans will get mad at you if you're a fucking rat.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Giannis Pappas]

What? The content on Patreon is for Patreon only. Yes.

[Chris Distefano]

It's what it is for.

[Giannis Pappas]

Matriarchy. No men allowed. No. It's a women's community.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. Now, here's the thing. When do you think. Yanni, close your eyes. When do you think. If you had to take against usc, when was the first ever music festival held?

[Giannis Pappas]

The first music festival.

[Chris Distefano]

When do you think?

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm gonna go with Before Jesus.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. As a matter of fact, a long time before Jesus. We're going all the way back to 2600 BC.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

2600 BC and it was actually called the Festival of the Drunkenness, and it was in ancient Egypt, and that was the actual name.

[Giannis Pappas]

They did it before the Greeks.

[Chris Distefano]

They did it before the Greeks, the ancient Egyptians. Because here's the thing.

[Giannis Pappas]

I apologize.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

To my Nubian queens.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Because that's the thing is. That's the thing is sometimes, even though the Greeks are very, very good, one thing they can't stop, and most people can't stop, is a little thing we call a sandstorm.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And the ancient Egyptians just came. They came with a sandstorm of ideas, and they're able to just figure things out and they just kind of. This festival of drunkenness was kind of like Coachella, but if the wristbands were made out of papyrus.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Actually, this probably the Coachella now looks a lot like the Egyptian festival used to look. Because they kind of wear wild outfits. No. Or am I confusing that with Burning Man?

[Chris Distefano]

You're confusing things with Burning Man.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

You're confusing with Burning Man. And in the beginning of the episode, you did say, we're going to talk about Coachella again. And this is the first time we talk about. So Yanni Sundowns is back. And. Hello. How are you?

[Giannis Pappas]

How you doing? Hello.

[Chris Distefano]

Hello.

[Giannis Pappas]

Sundown, my old friend.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes, Yanni. Is Drew back. Barrymore from 50 First Dates. He just always forgets. I just, he forgot we had a four year fight. He just brought the show back.

[Giannis Pappas]

You know what it is about Lady Gaga now that she's up? She's got a fat ass. And also she seems very approachable because she just looks like a girl named Janine.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Who went to Midwood from Brooklyn.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

She does not look like a celebrity. If you just saw her in a fucking bodega, it'd be how you do it. You just go, how you doing Marie? How come you don't call me no more? Yeah. Lady doesn't look like a celebrity. She looks like an Italian girl from Long Island.

[Chris Distefano]

Lady Gaga looks like an Italian girl. Lady Gaga looks like a high school teacher.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

From Hawpag that just had a secret relationship with a 17 year old. But she did it 20 years ago before tax were around. So she's safe. But she did bang out a few 17 year old kids on the football team. But nobody's going to know because she's in her 50s now and there's no proof anymore. These girls, these young teachers keep getting caught up because of the text.

[Giannis Pappas]

And they're always hot, they're always smoke.

[Chris Distefano]

Shows, smoke, absolute smoke shows. And, and, and they're. And there's a new one Now, a new 30 year old teacher from Chicago who's an absolute piece who banged out a 16 year old kid. And let's just be honest, I understand that there's two ways to go about this, but let's just be honest. It's the same story over and over and over again. The 16 year old boy never really cares. He just gets caught by his mom because his mom logs into the father's computer trying to catch the dad cheating. But instead she sees the text between her son and the hot teacher and she looks in the mirror and she says, you know what? I'm a fat pig. So now I'm going to the police. It's just. Am I right?

[Giannis Pappas]

You're not right. You know, it's always a mom who's got a short haircut with neck fat who's just sitting there and she's upset because her husband doesn't want to bang her anymore. Just stop cock blocking your son from getting a little fucking educational, puss.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

What is more motivating and who is a better teacher than someone who's willing to give the goddamn student pussy if he does good in his test?

[Chris Distefano]

And I got to be honest with.

[Giannis Pappas]

You, that's what motiv you. That teacher is actually Preparing him for the world. Because listen, if there wasn't pussy at the end of the rainbow.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

We wouldn't be doing what we do it anyway.

[Chris Distefano]

And I got to be honest with you, at this Music Festival in 2600 BCE in ancient Egypt, the very first one, there were definitely 40 old women. It's just what it was. And there were also four.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. They're just.

[Chris Distefano]

It's not okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's not okay. There was no rules back then. And you really couldn't. You really couldn't get arrested or in trouble for doing the things that you get in trouble and arrested for today. Because when you were in Egypt, they just had bigger problems.

[Chris Distefano]

They had bigger problems.

[Giannis Pappas]

They had bigger problems. They had like, okay, when are the other civilizations gonna come kill us? Or have we sacrificed a virgin to pharaoh God to make sure that we have the right harvest? They were thinking about harvests and things like that. But guess what? Now we're creeping back into that mindset because we're worried about our harvest. It's just right now our harvest is fe factories in China.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. So we don't have to worry about the Nile river drying up. We got to worry about the.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

We don't work.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. We got. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Just cackle that.

[Chris Distefano]

The problem is with this little tower off war. The problem is with this little tower for we got going on right now is China has now threatened to stop making medical equipment that we desperately need.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So if that happens, we're gonna have to just do a little thing. We call a backup. We're gonna have to back off the tariffs a little bit and we're gonna have to kind of suck that Chinese dong.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Because we need to. My father's not going to be able to live if it's. They're not making his medical equipment in. If those eastern hemis stop making depression socks, my dad's going to die. And I know those puppies are made in China.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Look, we joke around and everything like that, but just. We're not going to be able to keep ourselves healthy fully with oregano pills. It's just not going to cut it. We need the medical equipment from China. So. Yeah. I mean, that's our Nile river right now.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

We don't have to worry about fucking dust bowls and droughts. We got to worry about tariffs. Tariffs.

[Chris Distefano]

Now here's the thing, cuz.

[Giannis Pappas]

Now can you put her name back up there just for one second before you continue?

[Chris Distefano]

Who.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because I had no idea that that what her real name was. And she actually is Just a fucking full blown sauce monkey from New York City.

[Chris Distefano]

Read out Lady Gaga's real name.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm going to do it as an Italian.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because Lady Gaga's actual name. And I used to go with her. I actually went with her at Midwood High school in the 90s. Yeah. And I used to go with her. I used to go with her.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Her name. And her friends used to say she was a slut who belonged in the sewer. Right. Because the name was Stephanie Joanne Angelina German.

[Chris Distefano]

Stephanie Joanna Angelina Germanotta. And she's girl from Brooklyn.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. If that name doesn't come with a pepperoncini, I don't know what does it.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I mean, because when she was born, you think the, the doctors put a pepperoncini on the side of the bed?

[Chris Distefano]

I think those are two nipples, a little pepperoncini nipples. Because she's a sauce monkey.

[Giannis Pappas]

Big bad, bad, bad, bad.

[Chris Distefano]

Now we're talking about her because she is the current headliner of the first weekend of Coachella. Ella. She's. And she's a goddess. And she's also. And do you know that. Do you know that Lady Gaga was doing open mics in the Lower east side when I was doing open mics for comedy at the Laugh Lunch. And our careers different.

[Giannis Pappas]

Is that true? She was down.

[Chris Distefano]

Was doing open mics at the, at the. In the Lower east side. She would sing. And I remember, I remember, I swear, I remember in 2008. Yeah, I'm sorry, 2009, at the Laugh Lounge. I remember one of the comics coming in and saying that this girl called Lady Gaga is singing at a club like two blocks away and she's phenomenal. And I remember hearing the name and then, you know, she became famous very, very quickly after that. But I remember hearing it like, oh, people are talking about this girl on the Lower east side.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Here's the thing. I want to talk to you for a second, Stephanie, all right? You're out there talking about your little monsters and all this, but just cut it out. You're an Italian girl. Where's she from?

[Chris Distefano]

Is she from south New York City?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. You're an Italian girl from New York City.

[Chris Distefano]

She was born in what, the Upper west side? Yeah, look, she's Lenox Hill Hospital.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. So you're a New York girl, all right? You were born at Lenox Hill Hospital. Okay? Your sibling, your sister's name is Natalie.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, Natalie Germinata.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, Germanata. So listen, okay, you can talk to your little monsters all you want. You can go fucking prance. Around all you want, but we want you to come on the History hyenas, get back to your roots, and let's talk about fucking where you can get a nice slice. Yeah. I want to know what your parents think is the best Italian restaurant in Suffolk. Yeah. That's all I want to know about you. So this is an open invite. I know somebody who knows who's listening to this. We come fucking talk. We want to do a New York City podcast with you.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And I want to know if you. If you, yeah. Cook a good sauce.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't want to talk to Lady Gaga. I want to talk to Stephanie.

[Giannis Pappas]

Germany.

[Chris Distefano]

I want to talk to Stephanie. Stephanie's the girl I really want to talk to. Not Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga's fun art. But I want to talk to Stephanie because I know Stephanie voted the way we voted.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Stephanie did what she needed to do for this country because Stephanie's father was not going to let her do something that she wasn't supposed to be doing. Stephanie already. Stephanie's father already had to deal with Stephanie doing shows with Lil Nas X. She wasn't going to let her ruin this country by voting the wrong way.

[Giannis Pappas]

Stephanie, we want to know what your relationship is like right now with your father because your father has a little problem with you hanging around.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, that last word, you probably. We're just gonna put that one into the Patreon. That's a character piece.

[Giannis Pappas]

But, you know, Stephanie's dad said it's just that way.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. It's just if you. Here's the thing. If your last name's Germanata, if your last name's Germanata, a lot of times these guys will go to the doctor and their blood pressure will be high, and the doctor will say, have you been N word in your car? That's how you get it out. Yeah, that's what the blood pressure.

[Giannis Pappas]

And it's.

[Chris Distefano]

It's not. Okay. We're not saying we do it, but that's what the doctors will say and said. Maybe. Listen, Vinnie, maybe what you're doing is, is you're a little stressed out. What you got to do is make sure you go in the car, go in the same place, put the windows up, and just say the Edward. Yeah. And then you'll be okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, that's just. Listen, Stephanie, we want to talk to you. Yeah, we want to talk to you. Can you pull up what a dad's name is?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because, listen, we know your dad is just a little disappointed that you. You made it.

[Chris Distefano]

He. He.

[Giannis Pappas]

He knows you're rich and famous and all that. But he would have been very happy if you were nurse and you fucking had a townhouse in Bayware.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. The father's name is Joe German. Joey German, we call him Joey Germs.

[Giannis Pappas]

Joey Germs, yeah. Would have been just as happy if you married a fucking firefighter and got a nice townhouse. A nice little brick townhouse in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. He says to his friends, he says, yeah, my daughter, she does shows, she does what she does, she does dance and she does music. It's what she does. But I'm most proud of Stephanie for the real thing I'm most proud of Stephanie is she makes a beautiful sauce. She makes a good song, mother. Yeah, yeah. So she's a multi billionaire. She goes all over planes and all that. But she's a good kid.

[Giannis Pappas]

She's a good kid, you know, look, the gays like, it didn't really turn out the way that I wanted. Here's the thing I don't understand. If you're Stephanie, you know, you probably got some weird stalkers out there cuz you're so famous. How come Stephanie doesn't know that the safest place she can be is not one of these mansions with all the security. Go buy a nice house on the fucking sewage river in Ozone Park.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And the neighborhood will protect you, Stephanie.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, that's what it is. Stephanie.

[Giannis Pappas]

Could she be safer anywhere if she had a. If she had a house in ozone.

[Chris Distefano]

Park, 100% right underwater. So let me tell you something. If Stephanie was on Cross Bay Boulevard, nobody would walk up to her ever. We would show respect. Yeah, nobody's getting close to Stephanie. People will get close to Lady Gaga.

[Giannis Pappas]

Lady Gaga.

[Chris Distefano]

But nobody's walking up to Stephanie Germanotta stand outside Gino's Pizzeria on Cross Bay Boulevard.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's not.

[Chris Distefano]

We're not doing that. Because what Stephanie Germanotta is doing is yelling at the meter mate who gave her a ticket to go the back to Pakistan. But Lady Gaga is out there in black and white saying we need to all be together. So she has what we call a little bit of a personality problem. Because one side of Lady Gaga is Stephanie Germanata, who wants. Wants to tell the Mina maid to go back to Pakistan. And the other side of Lady Gaga is a musical artist. Lady Gaga, who wants all people to be equal.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, Stephanie. Stephanie wants to have a rumble with the Puerto Ricans who live on the other side of the avenue.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, it's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

She wants to meet after school. With the Puerto Rican who lived on the other side of the avenue, who was talking to a man.

[Chris Distefano]

Now, let me tell you something right now. You ready for this? And I will send you a picture of this, Jesse. And we can post this in the episode in 2014 or 2013. I'm sorry. When the MTV Music Awards were in Brooklyn. They were in Brooklyn. At that time, I was. I was a hot commodity on guy coat. I was all over MTV on guy code and girl code. It's what I was doing. I was making $300 a week. Yeah. So I was on. But anyway, I. Lady Gaga, if you remember, she performed. She crushed and she performed. She had a thong on. Right. So I went and took a picture with. I ran down, because we were sitting in the seats where the artists would. They would perform and then sit in the seats. And we were in that MTV section. I ran down to the front, and when Lady Gaga was done with the performance, I got a picture with her, and her security guard was running down the stairs to, like, stop me. But I just was at a wild moment back then. I got a selfie with her, and I. When I was getting, like, releasing my hand from the picture to run back up the stairs, my hand hit her ass cheek. Yeah, 100%. And she just looked at me and winked. That was Stephanie.

[Giannis Pappas]

That was Stephanie.

[Chris Distefano]

That was Stephanie. Lady Gaga would have been offended. Oh, my God. But what I did was I got. I caught Stephanie on the ass. Yeah. Not Lady Gaga.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's right.

[Chris Distefano]

Stephanie doesn't give a fuck. Because Stephanie said, this kid's DiStefano's got a big enough head. I kind of. He's not. You know, I could kind of be Stephanie's cup of tea. Lady Gaga's not interested in me.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

Stephanie might be.

[Giannis Pappas]

Stephanie definitely into a guy with benefits who works for the city.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So Stephanie looked at me and said, this guy looks like he could be that guy.

[Giannis Pappas]

This guy looks union.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, he looks union. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because.

[Chris Distefano]

And I know that she knew that I looked union because I was wearing a full suit with sneakers on.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So she said, this kid's got to be from Brooklyn. So she didn't mind the ass cheek palm because it was. Wasn't. It wasn't. Not intentional.

[Giannis Pappas]

No.

[Chris Distefano]

I took a. I took. I said, what am I gonna ever be next to Lady Gaga?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Let's swipe. Let me just take a swipe. Yeah. And Stephanie did not have a problem.

[Giannis Pappas]

She did not have.

[Chris Distefano]

Lady Gaga might have. But she was in Stephanie.

[Giannis Pappas]

She was in Stephanie.

[Chris Distefano]

So I Like Stephanie Germana.

[Giannis Pappas]

She was closer to being Stephanie Germanata then. Now she's full blown Lady Gaga. But Stephanie Germanotta, look at that face. Cuz that face commutes on the Verizon.

[Chris Distefano]

Stephanie Germanotta is a fan of the history hyenas. Lady Gaga is not.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's what I'm saying. Stephanie, stop fucking around. You're gonna hear this. Yeah, I know you're gonna hear this. We want you sitting right here. Get back to your fucking roots. Your family misses you, Stephanie.

[Chris Distefano]

And Joe Germanotta, he's a lawyer. Joe Germanotta might be on the Patriot.

[Giannis Pappas]

Joe Germanata may be fucking. He might be one of our like the names who made the pw.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, it's what it is. Yeah, it's just what it is. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Stephanie.

[Chris Distefano]

Stephanie German Face. Cuz she's an Italian girl from New York and. And Stephanie Germanotta, I gotta be honest with you, just makes me feel safe. I've always liked her music and now I know why. It's because I like Stephanie Germanata's music.

[Giannis Pappas]

I guarantee you, when she gets older, she may start going as Stephanie Germanotta. Because like she's like. Italians have like a long legendary list of like famous singers.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Giannis Pappas]

Right. You got Frankie, you got Frank, Frank Sinatra, Frankie Avalon.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean there's just a long Dean Martin. All these guys are Italian kids.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. I mean, that's you, that's her. She's gonna be one of those classic as she gets older.

[Chris Distefano]

Tony Bennett.

[Giannis Pappas]

Tony Bennett. I mean, the list goes on.

[Chris Distefano]

Stephanie Germanado. So she is the headliner of this first weekend at Coachella and. Yeah, so. So you had the first known. Oh, and by the way, Benson Boone is another one at. I saw Benson Boone perform last year. It's my daughter's favorite singer and the kid can move. And I heard he absolutely ripped.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

At Coachella. And he's another hottie with a body.

[Giannis Pappas]

So if I don't know who half these people are who are headlining Coachella, it just means that I'm. I'm just an older. I'm a little bit of an older.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, there's a kid on here whose name is Tin Liquor.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

If you see that tin licker next to Lola Young. So this kid's a kid doing Coachella's name's Tin Liquor.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And I don't know who that is, but that's who I would go see.

[Giannis Pappas]

And let me just say right now, Ahmed spins. May or may not be at Coachella.

[Chris Distefano]

He's on.

[Giannis Pappas]

He's on the list of headliners. But depending on whether ice gets to him or not, he may or may not show up.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, and here's the thing, too, is we actually did just find our spy. China is finding a way to infiltrate Trait, even Coachella. There's a band up here that meant to call themselves Malibu State, but instead they call themselves Malibu State.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, there's.

[Chris Distefano]

So Malibu State is just a Chinese undercover that just spelled it wrong. And we've caught you.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. And four bats.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

These are. What a little Chinese? These are.

[Giannis Pappas]

State is hilarious.

[Chris Distefano]

It's meant to say.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And it's just we found them and it's what it is. But at least you know now when Marabou State is performing, at least you know that the audience will be recorded.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yes.

[Chris Distefano]

So, all right, guys, listen, we're going to get to the rest of the history of Coachella right after this ad break. Guys, remember when we saw that kid who came up to us today when we're eating breakfast and he was a big hyenas fan, and then he went to walk when he had a huge bald spot? He can use something called hims.

[Giannis Pappas]

Hims, baby. If you're into a company that really is sure about its pronouns. Yeah, it's hims. Hims is for you. Do you got problems with your. With your hair?

[Chris Distefano]

You do sometimes have problems with your hair. Cause you might be benefiting from a little thing called him.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yes. Hims. Yeah, those are the days. I don't use my hims treatments.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, you gotta use your hymns treatments. You're on a low dose of Prozac. You need to be on a low dose of hims.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. So here's the deal, guys. Hims provides you a convenient access to a range of hair loss treatments that work all from the comfort of your couch.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, it's liked it, cuz. And you just put it on top of your head. Don't put it on your ass or pubes or anywhere else. Because if you're.

[Giannis Pappas]

You don't want more hair there, you.

[Chris Distefano]

Don'T want more hair there. And if you're starting to notice your hair thinning when you look in the mirror, you're not alone. You might look at yourself, yourself and say, I really am a bald piece of shit. And the thing is, you might be a piece of shit, but you don't have to be bald because you just go and use hims.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, just go. Hims is you don't have to go to a doctor's office. It just comes straight to your House. Help yourself out. There's ways to make it look like you got more hair. Regrow your hair. There's chewable oral sprays, serum, treatments. Go find out what works best for you. The process is simple. 100 online. So just go right now. No insurance is needed. One low price everything from treatments to ongoing care. So it's great.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Just go. Don't be bald anymore. Do him. Start your free online visit today at himss.com hyenas that's H I M S.com hyenas for your personalized hair loss treatment options. Hims.com hyenas now we do have to tell you that results vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride. Prescription products require an online consultation with a healthcare provider who will determine if prescription is appropriate. Restrictions apply. See website for full details and important safety information. And I got to be honest with you, that's stupid that you make the people read that because this is when they fucking tune out.

[Giannis Pappas]

Cuz you know what's great about being in a closed relationship? Tell me you can get a little taste of what it's like with open phone to be free.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Cuz because the thing is is I want a phone. I want a business phone system. What I need is I want a.

[Giannis Pappas]

Phone that makes me feel like I got a guma.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Cuz and it's open phone.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm not dealing drugs, I'm dealing puts. So you just need a few phones.

[Giannis Pappas]

You just need a few. A few phone.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

So if you're running a business, you know that time you missed a call, you're leaving money on the table. Whatever customer conversations matters, you need a phone system that keeps up and helps you stay connected. If you're, if you're rotating a bunch of girls too, it works for that as well.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And if you're open phone, your team could share one number and collaborate on customer calls and text. Like a shared inbox. That way any teammate can pick up right where the last person left off, keeping response times faster than ever. Because you need open phone. There's a lot of guys out there. You need open phone.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. It also has AI powered call transcripts, summaries. You'll be able to automate follow ups, ensuring you'll never miss a customer interaction again. This is great for people with businesses.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

So whether you're a one person operation, drawing drowning in calls or texts, or have a large team that needs better collaboration tools, Open phone is a no. Here's the thing.

[Chris Distefano]

And we're going to give you the discount code here in a second. And I know that this company wants us to say that it's good for business and it absolutely is, but it's also good for gumadas. It's great for just what it is. You got to know your customers here. There's going to be guys getting open phone for the gumada. And right now they're offering our listeners here 20% off your first six months at openphone.com hyenas that's O P E N P H O-N-E.com hyenas and if you have existing numbers with another service, open phone will port them over at no extra charge. And the more open numbers you have, the more gumades you have open phone.

[Giannis Pappas]

No missed calls, no missed opportunities, no.

[Chris Distefano]

Missed customers, no missed puts.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay, so basically people have always loved music since civilization started. I mean, what is music? That's the thing I always ask, ask myself, what is it? Does it mean we have a soul? Where does it come from?

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Giannis Pappas]

So why does it make us happy?

[Chris Distefano]

Because what music actually does, it's a scientific fact. What it actually does is it calms us down. There's. There's a neuroscience to this. Like music actually. Oh. What it does is it over. Our brains can't handle it. So all the sounds pumping over stimulates our brain and it actually has a calming effect on us because our brain can't handle it all. So it just goes into like a deformity, fault, calm, relaxed setting. That's an actual fact.

[Giannis Pappas]

I know, but what is music like? What, what is it like? What's its fun like? Where does it come from? Where did music, like when someone can sing, like where, like. And then you get goosebumps. Goosebumps, yeah. You get your goosebumps.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

What is that? Is that God? That is God, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I believe truly that is God because that is a talent that for me, if not everyone can do it.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

That means God picks and chooses like who he wants to put his talent through. And I think that a singer is God. Whitney Houston to me is God.

[Giannis Pappas]

Is there, is that like a glimpse into divine divinity when we hear someone.

[Chris Distefano]

Saying I believe so. Yeah, I genuinely believe so because the thing is music, it's not a new thing here. You think that we all are guilty of thinking everything is just the first time it's happened is when we've experienced it. But not only it's. Jessica, just scroll up a little bit on the notes because I want to make sure I say this right. Yes. So in ancient Greece, in the 6th century BC, this is one of the earliest, earliest musical festival vibes. It was called the Pythian Games at Delphi, and it was like the Olympics, but with musical competitions honoring Apollo.

[Giannis Pappas]

Wow.

[Chris Distefano]

So they knew they had ire playing, singing, poetry. They gave out prizes, and it was just one of those. Early Greek music has been bringing people together for a long, long time. So maybe that's what we need to do, is just. Maybe we just need to get some. Maybe we gotta get Ed Sheeran to the Gaza Strip. Maybe he could stop the bombs.

[Giannis Pappas]

Well, unfortunately, yeah. I mean, you just want to make sure if you're. You're having a musical festival in Israel, you want to be a little more inland.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

You don't. You know what I mean? Right?

[Chris Distefano]

Because. Yeah, yeah. Because that's. Even Hamas knew that if I want to get people at a state where they're not expecting anything, I attacked a music festival.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's right. And unfortunately, when the. The drum beats going or the trance music's going, you can't. You're not sure if that's machine gun fire or a drum.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So I got.

[Giannis Pappas]

Even though it's bad, I think they were able to get a few more just because it was music.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So this is why I don't agree with the decision by Hamas at all. But it is good strategic plan to invade that music festival. And the Chinese want to get us. They should invade Coachella. We ain't expecting it.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. The problem is there's been a few attacks at music festivals. Remember we had one in. In Vegas.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, look at this girl in the red dress.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, what am I supposed to do here?

[Giannis Pappas]

Just what it is.

[Chris Distefano]

It's just what it is. What? Yeah, it's just what it is. Because you just breathe.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. That's what it is.

[Chris Distefano]

And you just get. And you might just have to get on a little thing called a low dose.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Because here's another.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Just so.

[Giannis Pappas]

So. Screams. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So you just. What, Jesse, what you're gonna have to do is just put them off the screen. And the thing with me is if you throw guys up, it might have the same effect.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And so the problem. Problem is. Yes. See, this makes it even worse because now I just want to DM him. I want to jump inside that guy's knapsack.

[Giannis Pappas]

The thing about music festivals is if you're at one and then just somebody comes, like hand gliding in with a machine gun, starts killing people, it's a real fucking bummer because everyone's on Molly.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So they don't know if it's, am I high or is this really happening?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. And also, it's just. Is there anything more of a fucking Molly kill than murder?

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's tough.

[Chris Distefano]

That's tough. But I will say I did a. It was called the V Festival back in London in 2000, 2011 or 2012. And that's. I actually met Ed Sheeran there. I've told that story before. It was cool. But somebody did die at the festival, and I watched them try to pump the kid's heart. Wasn't working. Then they just wheeled them out and the music continued. Because they just expect a couple of kids to go down. Yeah, that's a real thing.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, expect a couple of kids. I mean, dude, any type of outdoor setting, a couple of unhealthy kids are going to go down. I mean, somebody died at a Soul Joel comedy show, and Sergio Chacon saw it and just kept doing his jokes.

[Giannis Pappas]

That was me. Yeah, that was my show.

[Chris Distefano]

That was an out. When Soldier was doing his shows out outside, people just dropped.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, they just. The guy dropped while I was on stage.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Did you see him drop?

[Giannis Pappas]

I did not see him drop, but they stopped the show while I was in the middle of my set and.

[Chris Distefano]

And paramedics had to come in.

[Giannis Pappas]

They came in and pumped his chest. And the kid died.

[Chris Distefano]

And he died.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, I was killing so hard that he died.

[Chris Distefano]

And then. Did you have the wig on or.

[Giannis Pappas]

No, no, no wig.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Because that would have been funny if you had the wig on. You got to stop the show.

[Giannis Pappas]

I've. It's. I've had some wild stuff happen while during my career. That was one of them. A guy died at my.

[Chris Distefano]

Legitimately died, I think it was. He was a fat kid, but he.

[Giannis Pappas]

Was also on drugs. Unfortunately, it probably another casualty of fentanyl.

[Chris Distefano]

That's a problem with these Coachella things is. Is.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's.

[Chris Distefano]

It's a lot of fun. By the way, you know, anyone that complains, by the way, about comedy shows being too pricey, that are, you know, they're 40 bucks. How about weekend one is $649 general admission for Coachella for you to stand next to everyone on drugs, sweating 12 hours to get in, 12 hours to get out, living in the sand.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

You know, $649. So I don't want to. For you to be a football field away listening to Lady Gaga, watching her on the screen.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

When you could be up close and personal with me and Yanni for a nice cool 40 beans.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's it.

[Chris Distefano]

So to go to historyinasisback.com to see our comedy shows. We got a bunch of dates up there. My show at MSG arena has moved down to the theater.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's what it is.

[Chris Distefano]

September 11th. It's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

And I'm in Cleveland right now. While you're listening to this, I am in Cleveland. So get your tickets. That. But, you know. So, yeah, people have always gathered together around music since ancient Egypt. And it's. It. It was in Egypt, they did it to honor the goddess Hathor. Hathor. Music, dance, fertility and wine. So people would do like, I guess the drugs that are there. They would just drink a lot of wine, get into a trance.

[Chris Distefano]

And that's what it is. It was called the festival of the drunkenness, as we said. And they would. And they would literally, they would say they would awaken spirituality at sunrise. So that means. Yeah, it's just unfortunate. And I'm.

[Giannis Pappas]

Ancient times. They didn't. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And we'll say it. We'll have to edit that part out because we got things for that. And say. And the women, they got great. The women got graped. Because unfortunately, that's just what happened back then is they would get women drunk and then just do what they wanted with them and. And they just celebrated it as spiritual awakening at sunrise. But what is a little thing we.

[Giannis Pappas]

Like to call grape. Grape. It's grape. Yeah, it's grape. Grape juice. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And it's not good.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's not okay to drink grape juice.

[Chris Distefano]

What?

[Giannis Pappas]

It's bad.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And then the Greeks did the same thing and they were honoring Apollo. So I guess the first music festivals were to honor the gods and to get out drunk and excuse to get hammered. Everyone needs an excuse to get together and get hammered.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, cuz. And let's be honest. Let's be honest. What we're doing today at Coachella and the Burning Man's of the world is the same thing. We're honoring the gods, except our guards are not Apollo and people in the sun, they are now the music stars. We're honoring Lady Gaga. We're honoring beyond. We're honoring Travis Scott. They. They. These are gods, right? To these people.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's very true.

[Chris Distefano]

So that's what. So it's the same mental thing. And it just kept going on. Medieval Europe, the 11th to 13th century. This is interesting. This is where touring bands started all the way back to the 11th century. Medieval Europe, traveling troubadours and minstrels. So guys in blackface would gather at fairs and religious festivals and all, wherever it was. And they perform for nobles, peasants, who ever. And it wasn't. It wasn't necessarily an official music festival, but it was where the circuit began. The touring circuit is. You would just perform for different lords and different towns. So it's been around a while.

[Giannis Pappas]

Do you think those guys, like, there was like some. The rock star back then was like a heart player.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

In medieval Europe. And he had roadies that were just blowing him on the road 1000 and chicks that would just follow them, going from like gall to like Britney.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Britanny. Britannica.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And they were just. I don't think that they're like, are.

[Giannis Pappas]

You going to see sir. Are you going to see sir Hansen Wilson on the road? He's so cool. Yeah. The girls would just leave their peasant homes.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And just. And just go there and show their tits to a harp player.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just pull out their hairy bush for someone playing a harp. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

There was like a backstage pass and the girls would get back there and the guys would be eating turkey leg and shit like that.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

They just get blown. Yeah, that's just what it was.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And I don't think that.

[Giannis Pappas]

Do you think they had sex holics back then?

[Chris Distefano]

I don't think so.

[Giannis Pappas]

What is it called? S.S. i don't know.

[Chris Distefano]

SLA. Sex love, sex addicts.

[Giannis Pappas]

Addiction. Do you think they had that for medieval harp playing stars?

[Chris Distefano]

No, I think they did it because I think everyone dropped dead by 25.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's right.

[Chris Distefano]

So that's just nobody. The problem is today is we just have time. A lot more years in the game to evolve. So back then if you just dropped at 25, what you would do is just have 25 years of fun and then you're done.

[Giannis Pappas]

Then you drop.

[Chris Distefano]

Then you drop.

[Giannis Pappas]

Ain't a bad.

[Chris Distefano]

Ain't bad thing. You get beheaded, whatever.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. It's a good way to go.

[Chris Distefano]

So here's the thing, cuz is, you know, it always goes. It always. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. The Greeks pretty much create it and do it and then forget about it. And then the Germans always perfect it. So the very first modern music festival was in Beirut, was called the Beirut Festival and it was 1876 in Germany. And it was founded by Richard Wagner, Wagner the Nazi, to exclusively showcase his operas in nice theaters. And he literally said, what we're gonna do now is we're gonna make this. We're gonna Monetize this. This is gonna be now a organized, coordinated event. And it was the first festival with dedicated staging, acoustics, and a theme like how we have theme festivals today. That was Richard Wagner and the Bayreuth music festival in 1876.

[Giannis Pappas]

Germany. And you know what I love about Jesse? Just where Frank Sabine's operation, he took the notes and he moved them farther to the right so we can't see them, cuz the camera's blocking.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, I think that, that because we were talking about Germany, he moved everything to the right.

[Giannis Pappas]

He moved it to the right.

[Chris Distefano]

It's just what it is. Yeah, yeah. So. So the thing is, is really, if you really want to go back to when was the actual. The origination of the music festival as we know it today, you have to go back to a little place called Germany. A little place that is near and dear to my heart.

[Giannis Pappas]

And his name was Richard Wagner. And so that's when operas came in.

[Chris Distefano]

Operas? Yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Classical music. You know, it was funny because things got really chill with the music. It was probably in anc. Ancient Greece and ancient Egypt. It was probably pretty raucous.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And then it got really buttoned up.

[Chris Distefano]

And civilized because Germans can just. They can maintain a bit of calmness.

[Giannis Pappas]

They can be a bit of calmness. They're very. They're dualistic. They're kind of like Stephanie and Lady Gaga.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

On the battlefield, they're a little bit more like Stephanie.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

And then in the Opera House, they're a little bit more like Gaga. Yeah, it's just a little more civilized.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And so.

[Giannis Pappas]

So that was fun. That's interesting. That's the first. Is that the first modern music festival?

[Chris Distefano]

That is the first modern music. Germany.

[Giannis Pappas]

1876.

[Chris Distefano]

1876. So now. So now, you know, we've talked about a little about the history, but now I don't know if people know this. The actual Coachella, which is what today's episode is mostly about, Coachella, where that actually originated, has something to do with a little band called Pearl Jam.

[Giannis Pappas]

Pearl Jam.

[Chris Distefano]

So Pearl Jam is very famous for having a beef with Ticketmaster and boycotting Ticketmaster. And what they did in 1993 was they played a show show at the Empire Polo Club in Indio, California, which is where Coachella is. And they said, we're gonna just literally go into the middle of a desert and play a festival and you guys pay as you come in. And this is where Coachella, the origins of it, it wasn't actually founded until 1999 by Paul Talent and Rick Van Satten of Golden Voice, because you just need a couple of Jews to be able to get their hands on it. You just need to. Yeah, you know, you need a little thing. You just need a little truffle pigs to sniff out the money. And some people may say. I'm taking that from the Kill Tony episode where Shane Gillis, as Donald Trump said, Trump is a truffle pig. And we've got to say truffle. But just know we've been saying truffle pigs from the beginning. Not accusing at all. No. Because it's just. It's been out there. Never. Shane is a comic genius. Not accusing, but just know, sniffing out the truffle pigs for money. We've been saying that since 2018.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's been. That's been a history hyena special for a long time.

[Chris Distefano]

So we're just going to keep saying it. We sniffed out these Paul Tola and Rick Van Santa of Golden Voice or just a couple of truffle pigs that smelled that Pearl Jam money. And they officially founded it in 1992, and it was held over two days in October. It was headlined by Beck, Rage against the Machine, and Tool. So what? You know. You know one thing and one thing only, that the very first Coachella in nineteen nine was mostly white. They were not interested in anybody else other than white bands. If you have Beck, Rage against the Machine, and Tool, and here's the thing.

[Giannis Pappas]

That'S interesting is Beck is a Scientologist, and I think the lead singer from Tool just got. He got nicked. Yeah, he got nicked as a kid. Unfortunately. He's talked about the fact that he was raped as a child. He was graped. He had to drink the grape juice.

[Chris Distefano]

He drink the grape juice, and it happens. And people get. People just get nicked. Some people get nicked in the womb.

[Giannis Pappas]

But you take your pain and you turn it into art.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what.

[Giannis Pappas]

And that's what Tool did. And Beck took his pain as a child, and he turned it into being in a cult.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And that's just what it is. I mean, the kid is just a Scientologist.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And the motto of Scientology is always, always, mouths are for sucking, not for talking.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's just what they say when you join.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what it is. And here's the bottom line is. Is Scientology probably can't get me. I don't. I don't have any interest in doing it.

[Giannis Pappas]

They could convince you that they're the true way very easily.

[Chris Distefano]

You Think so?

[Giannis Pappas]

Oh, absolutely.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So how do I prevent that? Because I can get honey potted. As long if a scientologist appears as an Asian woman, I will get honey.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because you're for the table. You're available. Yeah. Muslims, you could. It just. You swing like you're. You're the wind hitting a sailboat. Yeah. I mean, it just depend. It could come east, it could come west, it could come south, it could come north.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

But you're available.

[Chris Distefano]

What I am is a little warped.

[Giannis Pappas]

You're a little warped.

[Chris Distefano]

A little warped.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's it. Things got a little warped in childhood and there's just. What? It's just how it is.

[Chris Distefano]

And so what we have to do now is we scale it back and we go in a little thing called a low dose.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's the way.

[Chris Distefano]

Because what you have to do in this world is give yourself a little thing we like to call space.

[Giannis Pappas]

Space.

[Chris Distefano]

Give yourself a little space.

[Giannis Pappas]

Give yourself a little space.

[Chris Distefano]

Sometimes the only way to get to space is gotta get a load dose.

[Giannis Pappas]

You just gotta get 5 milligrams of Lexa Pro. You gotta go give yourself a little space.

[Chris Distefano]

You want to go to space, you gotta get in the rocket ship. And the way the rocket ship goes is a little thing called the Lexa Pro train. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's just all there is to it. It's just not a big deal.

[Chris Distefano]

It's not a big. What it is, cuz. Now tell us.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's so cool to know that the first Coachella was actually formed at a rebellion against Ticketmaster.

[Chris Distefano]

Pearl Jam.

[Giannis Pappas]

We can't really talk openly about Ticketmaster because they work so much with comedy.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, they work.

[Giannis Pappas]

Ripping everybody off. They are.

[Chris Distefano]

But I just want to say that I love you, Ticketmaster. I love you, Live Nation. And the reason I'm specifically saying that is because my property taxes are a little high.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So I just need a little loot in the pocket. I'm going to need that for about 10 to 15 years to the little one gets through school and then I'll talk shit about Ticketmaster.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

But right now I cannot.

[Giannis Pappas]

We actually love Ticketmaster. We were just joking. It's a great system. But aren't they. Aren't they up for like. Isn't there like a monopoly suit against.

[Chris Distefano]

The government's trying to come at them now?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Because they really. They own the venue, they own the tickets, they own everything. Right?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And we're going to tell you some fun stuff about Ticketmaster and some mind blowing facts about Coachella right after these Ads.

[Giannis Pappas]

Light strike. Tell me about light strike, because.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, here's the thing. What I like about light strike is it's a hard refresher, and it's like, unlike anything alcohol industry has ever seen. It's an excellent source of 5% alcohol. Because if you want to have a little alcohol, alcohol, I like a little bit of low dose. I like a 5 percenter. And it's the first beverage built to outpace the party. And it's the sponsor of the two bears 5K in Tampa, Florida on May 4th. And it is yet to. We are. We are sitting here right now in April, and we don't know if Bert Kreischer's dead or alive.

[Giannis Pappas]

He could. I mean, he's alive as of the reading of this episode.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. But his skin did look purple when he came in here.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. It's the sponsor of the 2 Bears 5K in Tampa, Florida on May 4th. Like Chrissy said, it is an excellent source of 5% alcohol. It's a hard refresh. It's just. It's not just a drink. It's a goddamn survival tool. It's the perfect party pacer. Yeah. So go right now. Go get the different flavors. Go check them out. Drink them cold. They're over ice. Just go to drink lightstrike.com drink lightstrike.com.

[Chris Distefano]

Follow them on TikTok and Instagram @drink lightstrike. And yeah, dude, just have fun with it. If you want to hear the real ad, go to patreon.com historynews we went watch.

[Giannis Pappas]

This episode is brought to you by LifeLock. It's tax season, and we're all a bit tired of know, but here's one you need to hear. $16.5 billion. That's how much the IRS flagged for possible identity fraud last year. Now here's a good number.

[Chris Distefano]

100 million.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's how many data points Lifelock monitors every second. If your identity is stolen, they'll fix it, guaranteed. Save up to 40% your first [e-mail] podcast terms apply. Eddie Vedder really said fuck you to the music industry. And that's basically Coachella was formed out of a big middle finger from Eddie Vett.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And I appreciate that. And I just have to be honest with you. I have less than a zero percent desire to ever go to Coachella. I wouldn't unless they started doing comedy there. And you flew me right in and right out. I have zero desire to go to any music festival of any kind. I don't want to stand in A line. I don't care anymore. I'm looking for the bars and restaurants that have no people in them.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's what I like too.

[Chris Distefano]

Right. I like. Because what I want to do. What I want to do is just sit down with my partner and try and connect because it's very difficult for me. Right. I just want to say focusing on.

[Giannis Pappas]

You or seriously, like, I. Yeah, I mean, I think you need to just maybe become a monk.

[Chris Distefano]

Right. Well, I have been sitting down meditating. Yeah, I would. The problem is with becoming a monk is I can't shave my head because I like the way my hair looks.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, your hair looks good.

[Chris Distefano]

You like that it's slicked back to the sides and it's up a little bit.

[Giannis Pappas]

That would be funny if you went to a monastery and it was all monks with shaved heads and then you were just the only one who had hair.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Came in and I said, I'm compromising on everything else. I've given up everything. But I can't give up my pompadour.

[Chris Distefano]

I can't give up my hair. You can. You guys can take my eyes back if you watch. But I'm not going to cut my hair.

[Giannis Pappas]

Cuz you got a pompadour.

[Chris Distefano]

But what do you think? Should I cut or is it nice?

[Giannis Pappas]

I like the pompadour. My dad would call that a pompadour.

[Chris Distefano]

Dad told me I got a face that looks like I could play for the Brooklyn Dodgers.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And that's just a funny thing.

[Giannis Pappas]

Do you know that that's called a pompadour?

[Chris Distefano]

Is it? Can you pull up?

[Giannis Pappas]

Can you pull up pompadour? You have a. You have a prototypical classic 1940-50s pompadour.

[Chris Distefano]

Ladies, can you. Chrissy, Papa Dog, can you [e-mail] history Hyenas and history hyenas and tell me if my haircut makes me a piece or not a piece. Tell me if I look like Janelle Monae.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Cause you got a pompadour.

[Chris Distefano]

I got a pump.

[Giannis Pappas]

Can you just pull up 1950s pompadour.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, pull up night.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because these pompadours are different. But the 1950s pompadour, I mean, you got a classic 1950s pompadour.

[Chris Distefano]

There you go.

[Giannis Pappas]

Look at Elvis.

[Chris Distefano]

It's what it is. And my life's gonna. And like I was going to die in the toilet eating a peanut butter and banana sandwich. Just what it is. Make no mistake, Stephanie Germanata's father wants her to have a guy with a haircut like this.

[Giannis Pappas]

He wants a guy like that. Cuz she wants a guy who's Italian. Italian.

[Chris Distefano]

Cuz make absolute.

[Giannis Pappas]

But she's like. She's like gender fluid. Right. Kind of bisexual.

[Chris Distefano]

She is. But that's Lady Gaga. I don't think Stephanie Germanata is really like that. I bet you we might even have a DM from Stephanie Germanata's burner account on the history hyenas.

[Giannis Pappas]

I bet you we do.

[Chris Distefano]

Not Lady Gaga, but there might be a girl in the Stephanie Germanotta that just messages us because I know there's.

[Giannis Pappas]

No way she was raised to be Lady Gaga. No, there's just no way.

[Chris Distefano]

No, this happened. As a matter of fact, when she became Lady Gaga, her father, Joe Germanotto, wanted to take her to therapy. He wanted to get her institutionalized.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, she did.

[Chris Distefano]

Because he said, why is my. Why is my daughter not becoming a schoolteacher?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

What's going on?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. How come she's not working at Methodist Hospital?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. What is. Why is she not a school teacher or a nurse?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. How come she's not driving a white BMW? And very happy about that?

[Chris Distefano]

The hell is she doing?

[Giannis Pappas]

What's she doing?

[Chris Distefano]

Why? Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So. So here we go. So. So now the mainstream explosion of Coachella happens really in. When I started hearing about it was the big thing I heard about was the Tupac hologram in 2012. Oh, yeah, there's a lot of stuff that happened before that. But that tupac hologram during Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg set. Now a lot of people use holograms, but that was the first one. And I remember time almost standing still that Tupac got brought back on this hologram. And that was coachella. That cost $500,000 to do.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Right after 9 11. Post 9 11, it exploded. They started getting big acts like the Red Hot Chili Peppers, Beastie Boys, White Stripes, and then it really exploded with Radiohead in 2004.

[Chris Distefano]

Gaff Punk came out there. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

So it just started getting bigger and bigger and bigger. And then by 2007 to 2010, that's when the. That's when it got integrated. Yes. That's when Jay Z was the first rap headliner in 2010. And so that's when it really exploded. And the blacks and whites started partying together.

[Chris Distefano]

Started partying together. And that's. And that's when the festival actually began selling tickets. Because here's the thing, man, is rappers sell tickets. People want to go watch rappers. And so now Coachella is a slam dunk, sold out event. It is probably the biggest event in music, I would say Coachella. Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

Probably social media really accelerated it because people take pictures of themselves at Coachella.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, and everyone who goes is a smoke show. Smoke show. And that's. Okay. What you need. What you need from that is a little thing we call space, because here's the.

[Giannis Pappas]

Let's hot people like being around other hot people.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Giannis Pappas]

I mean, really, we just. Until you become an adult with kids, you really just live in. In high school. Clicks.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because when you become an adult, your friends just become the parents of other kids.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

So you. You're not in a clique anymore.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

You're just. You're in. You're in a community.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

But before that, it's just the cool kids, Coachella. The. The nerd kids go. I don't know what they.

[Chris Distefano]

The nerd kids go to. The cool kids go to Coachella. The nerd kids go to Comic Con.

[Giannis Pappas]

They go to Com.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's what it is.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. And then where do the fat, ugly people go? I'm just being blunt. I'm sorry. So there are some fat, ugly people.

[Chris Distefano]

So what happens is where do they go? The cool kids go to Coachella.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

The nerd kids go to Comic Con, and then the fat. The fat, ugly kids just go on cruise.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's where they go.

[Chris Distefano]

They just go on a cruise. They just go on a theme cruise. So here's how it works.

[Giannis Pappas]

Got it.

[Chris Distefano]

It's very simple, right? The cool kids go to Coachella, the nerd kids go to Comic Con, and the fat kids go. They have a pick. They either go on the Bird Chrysler cruise or the impractical Joker's cruise. That's where they go.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's exactly right.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what it is. And that's the way the cookies crumbled. And that's the little thing that we like to call a Ruth Bader Ginsburg, AKA a truth Bader Ginsburg. So that's a tbg. It's a Truth Bader Ginseng Ginsburg. It's. It's just what I. What I like to do is call it like I see it.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And when you go on a cruise ship, you see very, very fat, ugly people with back knee.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yes.

[Chris Distefano]

And you see people who are in their mid-30s in motorized wheelchairs.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's right.

[Chris Distefano]

And typically, that's a theme cruise.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

So you could call that a mess. A music festival in the ocean.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So they're doing the same thing that Coachella is doing. If your music festival is on land, you have hot people.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

If your music festival is on water, you have fat, ugly people.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Because whip whales belong at sea.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly. So that's what you get on a music festival in the water is what you get there. And then Coachella is. You get that. So, Jesse, if you could just post that picture for the fat on the water, for the cruise on the water, and then post Coachella pic. You get that.

[Giannis Pappas]

You get.

[Chris Distefano]

So you get pink. That's what you get on land, and then that's what you get on water.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's a Matt Rife show. Yes. Coachella. And then you go to an impractical Joker show, and that's what you get.

[Chris Distefano]

It's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's what it is.

[Chris Distefano]

It's okay. Because everyone at the end of the day is making real, real, real money.

[Giannis Pappas]

And everyone needs to be entertain.

[Chris Distefano]

Everyone needs to be entertained. So we got a little something for everybody. And what it is, is it's a okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's a.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

And I will say that I've been on the Joker's cruise, performed. And I've performed also on the Burke Crushers cruise. And there was more traffic.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

On those cruises.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Than there is.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

On. On the fdr.

[Chris Distefano]

Yep.

[Giannis Pappas]

During rush hour. I mean, there's just a lot of people in scooters that are holding up the line.

[Chris Distefano]

Listen. And it's the same. And I've done both of them, too.

[Giannis Pappas]

Human traffic.

[Chris Distefano]

And I've had a good time. I've had a good time on both.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yes. I've had a good time on both.

[Chris Distefano]

I've had a good time on both. And it's. And it's. It's what it is. Those types of cruises.

[Giannis Pappas]

If you want to fuck someone on a Bert Kreischer cruise, you need. You need a license.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. The problem is.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. You need a driver's license.

[Chris Distefano]

You need a driver's license.

[Giannis Pappas]

You just got to pull up in your car and say, hey, sweetheart, you got to meet them at a red light.

[Chris Distefano]

And a lot of people.

[Giannis Pappas]

Everyone is on four wheels.

[Chris Distefano]

And a lot of people ask, how come these cruises, these music festival cruises, why can't they ever leave out of New York? Why do they have to leave out of Miami? And that's because the water's deeper in Miami, and it's a. It's a hazard if they leave from New York because the boat sinks.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's right.

[Chris Distefano]

So the problem is it'll just be stuck in the bedrock. So what you Gotta do is you gotta go to deeper waters.

[Giannis Pappas]

You gotta go to deeper waters.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Because.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, that's just it.

[Chris Distefano]

You're just.

[Giannis Pappas]

I mean, that's just a cruise right there. You're gonna see a lot of cargo shorts and you're gonna see a lot of people in motorized scooters.

[Chris Distefano]

And here's the thing.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because they're too big to walk.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. It's what it is. And that's okay. That's the life they've chosen and everything. People are doing what they want to do. We're all making up a piece of the pie here.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. When rude people are being rude, let them be rude. When fat people are being fat, let them be fat. When jacked people are being jacked, let them be jacked. When people are going to act like people, you have the right. You make the decision inside you how you want to react. Remember, nothing is ever anybody's fault. It's always your choice to do what you want to do. Okay. The problem is when people are acting impossible, it's not them acting impossible, it's you acting impossible. You have to accept people for who they are. And some people are just fat.

[Giannis Pappas]

There's a certain thing called steel pipe Chrissy that comes out once in a while that wants to tell it like it is. Yeah. And that is when. That's when there's less. There's less Barney Rubble influence.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And there's more Lynn D. Stephano influence.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. When you want a little bit more order and you want people to work a little harder and you want just people to stop complaining a little bit.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's when.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's when the vegetables get moved, beer gets picked up, and somebody's gotta talk about what society needs to be. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So what? That little rant. That's from a little character we like to call Anonymous Chrissy. Chrissy's working on himself. There's a little guy we like to call Anonymous Chrissy that just sees the world for how it is and is very accepting.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yes.

[Chris Distefano]

And understands that he's addicted to losing it all.

[Giannis Pappas]

But the good thing about.

[Chris Distefano]

So it's Anonymous Chrissy.

[Giannis Pappas]

But the good thing about your mom's influence is that she liked order and she liked people to. She wanted people to go to work.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

She just liked people working. Yeah. She didn't like people hanging around. No.

[Chris Distefano]

So.

[Giannis Pappas]

So there's a part of you that just can't stand when people are complaining. Yeah. And that's where steel pipe Chrissy comes up. Because you just don't Want to hear the complaints?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

You just want people to get up and go to work. Yeah. And not be dependent on your income to subsidize their living lifestyle.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what it is. Because. And it's a little guy when I get like that. It's a little guy that we call AOC. Anonymous. Out loud. Chrissy.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Anonymous. Out loud. ChrissY.

[Chris Distefano]

AOC.

[Giannis Pappas]

AOC. Anonymous. Outlook. Chrissy.

[Chris Distefano]

And the thing is, and I kind of just say it, when I hang around with my mother for a weekend, which I did last weekend, three words pop into my head, and that's do your job.

[Giannis Pappas]

Do your job.

[Chris Distefano]

Do your job. So I say to myself, do my job. I have a job, too. And then I say out there to others, do your job.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And, you know, you're talking to. And just kind of a lot of times, you know, Jasmine will say, she'll know when I went by my mother's house because I'll start saying some things like, do your job. And she gets a little upset with me.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

But what we. What we have for 10 years is what we've built is we can just work through it.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right. Because your mom just went to work.

[Chris Distefano]

My mom just went to work.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

Do your job.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

My mom just doesn't like to come over the house to surprise the kids with Easter baskets and see that we're sending the laundry out.

[Giannis Pappas]

She doesn't like that. Wayne. I can't wait. Yeah. Okay, so what we're going to do.

[Chris Distefano]

Is we're going to throw that on the Patreon now.

[Giannis Pappas]

We're going to put that in the Patreon.

[Chris Distefano]

What we have to do is we're going to just. That's just fun.

[Giannis Pappas]

Just cackle.

[Chris Distefano]

That's just fun to put on the Patreon. And we still will have, you know, and that's.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's just all cackle.

[Chris Distefano]

That's just all.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because you just heard a lot of cackles. But you can hear what it is. It just. It's on patreon.com history hyenas. But those things have to go on the Patreon.

[Chris Distefano]

They have to go on the Patreon because we have a lot of fun in Patreon to stop complaining.

[Giannis Pappas]

Some. Some things just cannot go out of the Patreon.

[Chris Distefano]

It's five bucks for the audio, ten for the video. I mean, you can afford it. Even in the reception. You can do it.

[Giannis Pappas]

You know what it is? Because, like, we need you to shut your mouth when you hear certain things.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And the only people you can Trust to do that are people who can afford $5.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And we see a lot of you freebies on the Patreon and that's why we have to make it that you can't have the content because we know that what you'll do is just put it on Reddit.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And the thing is, we can't trust if you can't afford five to 10amonth.

[Giannis Pappas]

You can't be trusted.

[Chris Distefano]

But we still love you. Just can't trust you.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's just like the audience is when you do a free comedy show. That's why you go to those types of shows to work on your material.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because they got low expectations.

[Chris Distefano]

Low expectations.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because they're the type of people that you were just talking about.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

They're not going to work and doing their job.

[Chris Distefano]

They're not doing their job. And that's what we want to see from the people. Now let me ask you, cuz, what was the most fascinating thing, do you think, recapping the episode today about Coachella and the history of music festivals? What did you learn? What do you feel?

[Giannis Pappas]

Well, the only music festival I ever went to was Rap Mania with my Puerto Rican girlfriend when I was in ninth grade. And that was in Harlem.

[Chris Distefano]

Jeff, fumes or no fumes, she had no. It's almost impossible for Latinas to have no fumes. They are the ones that I believe God made. The breeders. Yes, Those are the breeders.

[Giannis Pappas]

And she was able to get us in. It was at the Apollo and it was. It was Rap Mania and it was incredible. But make zero mistake, I was the only white kid within miles.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

It wasn't the Harlem that it is now.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

It was a different time. And I went there and I saw Slick Rick was there. I mean, it was crazy as rap music. And that's the only musical festival I didn't. I grew up on rap music.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And you don't like music?

[Chris Distefano]

I don't like. I'm not.

[Giannis Pappas]

You're not a music guy.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm not a music.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because you gotta stop and appreciate music and you don't like to stop.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't. I remember being a kid, the music that I liked when I was a kid was Whitney Houston. I always liked Whitney Houston in the 80s vibe. And then because I would listen to my Aunt Eileen's call and she would pick me up and I just took.

[Giannis Pappas]

A sip of water and there was. There was. There was zins in there.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. It's just what it is. I just drank Zinn So you drank a Zinn water. And now I remember. Ann. Eileen used to pick me up. She used to work at Wyckoff Heights Hospital. She would pick me up from my grandfather's house and she would be in her 1991 Toyota Corolla that eventually got stolen. And she was. And I remember her license plate XXR 2, 2, 4, 7.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And so I remember. I remember that. And she used to always have on Light FM and Light FM had 80s music on. And I remember a little Lionel Richie. A little Lionel Richie. Whitney Houston, smooth operator. So that's the kind of music I would listen to. And then my grandfather would have on a little lady we like to know, a little lady known as Kyle.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So we listen to a lot of Connie Francis. Lipstick on my collar.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So we would do all that. And we're listening to 60s old school music and 80s music. And then the new music, like All My friends, they knew it, had everyone's album, the Jay Z album. I never did any of that. What I do is play a little thing called Pretend. I had to pretend that I knew what was going on. Just like when I got into comedy. I had to pretend to Sam Morrill and Mark Normand and the comedy peer group that I had that I knew anything about anybody's comedy album when I didn't know anything.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

I didn't know anything at all. I just said I just got into comedy because I just wanted to make people laughing and want to escape my family. And the real reason, the real reason why I got into stand up comedy. You want to know the real truth?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Is I had to. I got forced to because I started telling people in College in 2005 that I was doing stand up every night, but I hadn't been doing it at all. And I would invite them to my show that didn't exist and then cancel at the last minute. And then finally in 2008, I said, I can't run this lie anymore. I'm going to have to actually do it. So I took a comedy class to keep up the lie. And I just was okay at it. So I kept doing it. But deep, deep, deep down inside, I don't even really want to be doing comedy. I'm just too far into. My property taxes are too high to stop.

[Giannis Pappas]

Because the thing, you're loose with, the.

[Chris Distefano]

Truth, what it is, but is that okay?

[Giannis Pappas]

That's okay. Yeah, that's okay. It's not a big deal. It's not a big deal that you're.

[Chris Distefano]

As long as I'm not disparaging my family. I could be loose with the truth. You're loose because I used to disparage my family and be loose with the truth. So we don't do that anymore. But I will be loose with the truth and tell you that this whole thing started as a lie.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. It's just you're a kid who's a little loose with the facts. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

It's what it is. I just like to have fun with it.

[Giannis Pappas]

Reality is a suggestion, and that's just how it goes.

[Chris Distefano]

How it goes. I remember going to St. Joseph's College in downtown Brooklyn, and three blocks away, there was a place there called the Connecticut Muffin.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And I said I was doing a comedy show there Friday at 8:00.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And I started telling people to go. And then Thursday at 8, I said the show was canceled. And people were saying, oh, there was no. I never got a flyer. Never got information. I said, yeah, the show got canceled. But the truth is, I had told everyone I was doing stand up, but I was too pussed to get on stage.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Here's the.

[Chris Distefano]

So that's just what I did. That's how I live my life.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's why you gravitated towards me. Because what happened is, is you were a kid from Ridgewood, Queens.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right. Who had a single mother who was working, whose father. You had a father who was doing Little Horse. He was playing horses.

[Chris Distefano]

Playing horses.

[Giannis Pappas]

You were a kid from there who hadn't. Who's just a Catholic kid who went to a Catholic school, who just grew up around Polish kids drinking, playing basketball. You went to Malloy. You're a New York kid. And then you went into the city. You brought. You thought you needed to bring your passport to cross the bridge. The first time you came, you saw your first Jew. You almost ran back.

[Chris Distefano]

Yep.

[Giannis Pappas]

And you just had to talk to kids like Sam Morel, who. Jewish kids with autism. And you just didn't know what was going on.

[Chris Distefano]

I didn't know what to do.

[Giannis Pappas]

You didn't know if you were gonna catch gay, if you were gonna catch Democrat. You just didn't know what was going on. You were scared of lesbians. You were scared of different. There was Jews, there was Protestants. You know what was going on. You know, all you know is Puerto Ricans. All you know is Serbian kids. All you know is an occasional smelly Greek diner. Yeah. Just a New York kid. And then you got exposed to the city with all these Jews.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

All these other people. And you just had to pretend. Yeah. Go ahead, you guys. I'm an Italian from Greece. I don't know. I just don't know how to talk to you people.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And then you met me and I understood you. Yeah. I understood that you had stake Ems for dinner. Yeah. I understand that you had a neutral staircase.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I understand that you lived in the house with your aunt and your mom and your cousin. Yeah. I understand that there was. There was beers that were cracked on the neutrals because they were upset because Chrissy was failing at his school.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. And because his friend Leticia came over.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is what it is. And she got banged out. Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And I understood that sometimes she had pizza for dinner.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I just understand. Yeah, I understand.

[Chris Distefano]

You accepted me for me and I didn't have to keep up this lie. I didn't have to keep up because.

[Giannis Pappas]

Cause you're fucking. You're a burrow monkey. Yes. Cause you're a queen's kid.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. It's what it is. Rather than. You know, I used to tell people in high school that I was actually half Italian, half Egyptian, to sound more exotic. I used to tell people when I got cut from the varsity basketball team that I got cut because I'm actually playing football and I got a scholarship to Alabama. Now, none of these things were true.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So what we would do is we just move forward. And then we continued moving forward into comedy with, hey, I could say anything. Right. And then what happened. And then what happens is, is I met. I met Yanni. And Yanni said, no, I know who the real.

[Giannis Pappas]

I know who you are.

[Chris Distefano]

And I felt calm. And I felt calm. I felt okay to tell Yanni that.

[Giannis Pappas]

Hey, listen, can I ask you a question?

[Chris Distefano]

My mom wants to sell the house, and Hasidic Jews keep coming up and saying that they'll buy it in cash. My mom says, I'm not selling to those people.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right, let's talk to those people.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

And then I. When. When you said, she told me that they can crawl in your shoes and turn invisible, and I said, that's actually a fact.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

You felt like there's somebody who finally understands my family's worldview.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. It's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's what it is. Now, did you ever take a vacation outside of New York City until you were in your 20s? What part of the world did you see before you were in your 20s?

[Chris Distefano]

There was one place, and one place only, where my mother would take me on vacation every single summer. And still to this day continues to want to take me every Single summer. And that's a place called Lancaster, Pennsylvania. We'd go to the Amish country.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's right.

[Chris Distefano]

Because we could take Amtrak there because my mom couldn't drive and my dad was just on Staten Island. So we would go to the a.m. we would take Amtrak to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and we would go ride around on Amish horse and buggies and eat Shoo FL pies and talk to the Amish, and that was our vacation. And we go to Hershey Park.

[Giannis Pappas]

If you don't understand how much of a neighborhood, type of world New York was before the Internet, Chris DiStefano grew up in New York City, which was called Jesse Jackson because it has more Jews than anywhere in the world. And Chris had not met a Jew until you were. You were past puberty.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Giannis Pappas]

So that's the type of life you came. So you came into Sweaty City and you just didn't know what to do with all these people?

[Chris Distefano]

No, I didn't. As a matter of fact, the only time I ever saw Jewish people is when there was traffic on the bqe and my grandfather would get off the BQE and drive through Williamsburg, Brooklyn to get back to Ridgewood, and he would tell everyone to put their windows up. So. And that's just. That's a truth. Bader Ginsburg. And it's unfortunate. It's just what the old guys, the older generation of guys just used to do and used to think was funny. And he did honestly tell me, and I knew it was a joke, but I wasn't 100% sure. He would tell me, if you hit one of the acidic Jews, you got points on the license. Like, it was a good, like. Like positive. Like it was a game.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Yeah. You weren't, like, brought up to be a worldly guy. You were. You're brought, like, in your DNA. That's. It's got to be understood that, like, anxiety probably comes when you leave New York because you weren't a guy who was encouraged to go see what's going on in other places.

[Chris Distefano]

No. Like, I was very shocked when I had my. Met my first girlfriend. I went to her house for Easter Sunday, and they didn't have the Easter Bunny bread with the egg in the middle, because that's what Aunt Janet always has.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

And so that. So I would always have Easter bunny bread with the egg in the middle, and. And I would have that with a Dye Pet Pepsi.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

So. And I didn't unders. I didn't understand why they. Why they weren't getting catering from Joe and John's Pizzeria for Easter Sunday and every other holiday.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

I didn't understand why. Why people's moms and dads were cooking at home.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

I didn't get it. I said, how come. Not. How come everyone's not in the basement right now, you know, talking about the neighborhood and how it's changing?

[Giannis Pappas]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Right. Me and Jesse are a couple kids. Who can understand that?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

When I was a kid, I used to get into my friend Chad's mother's Peugeot and we would go to Brighton Beach. Yeah. And then we would. We'd go to the beach, and then we'd go get a condition. Then away back. My friend's mother would just stop and just get a little crack through the window while Light FM was on and Lionel Richie was playing. And then her black friend Walter would come over and they would just do crack in the den with a spaghetti rug on the floor. And then we would just find crack vials in the spaghetti rug.

[Chris Distefano]

It's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

Just the 80s in New York City, and it's just what it was.

[Chris Distefano]

You were just in the backseat watching Chet's mom smoke a little crack, and you were hearing Smooth Operator.

[Giannis Pappas]

And it's. Exactly. It's just a little. Barry White sometimes would play on Light fm, and that's just what it was. And that is the history of music to me.

[Chris Distefano]

That's the history.

[Giannis Pappas]

Crack files in the spaghetti rug.

[Chris Distefano]

And some of that episode you've [e-mail] historyneas because we have to edit out. But it is where all the gold is. And we will now read the names of the newest members of the [e-mail] historyainias and as always, we will pick the funniest name to be the PPW Pseudo Penis of the Week. Only way to get your name red over at Patreon. So go ahead. So right now, leading us off, welcome to the Matriarchy Williamsburg Ultimate Frisbee champion Kanye West.

[Giannis Pappas]

We're gonna put that on the list.

[Chris Distefano]

We're gonna. So this is one of the first times the very first guy out of the gate gets on the list.

[Giannis Pappas]

I don't remember it.

[Chris Distefano]

It almost never happened. So congratulations, Andy. L. Then we have Vivek. Vivek Ramas. Swami Stuffing Salami. Kamala's Fumari. Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

It went for a good rhyme scheme, Sarah.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got my wife's puss. Tastes like Aqua Digigio. What's Aqua de Gigio?

[Giannis Pappas]

It's the. The. It's A cologne. It's like a. Yeah, like a perfume. It's like a cheap.

[Chris Distefano]

So he's saying his wife sprays cheap cologne on the puss.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, yeah. Just give it. Yeah, I mean a good one.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Then we got Dirk. No Frisbees allowed. Power forward 41.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

Nowinsky, Michael Novis. Then we got Schlomo's Pager Supply. No refunds. Can't do it, right?

[Giannis Pappas]

Can't do it.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Can't do it. But we understand where you're going.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got Father Bill. Microwave my ass like the boys did to Nagasaki.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's a good one.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

But we walked into one.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got Grace Elizabeth Ann. That's a wasp. We got a WASP girl on there.

[Giannis Pappas]

A girl named Grace for sure.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got. So Grace Elizabeth Ann has no fumes.

[Giannis Pappas]

No fumes.

[Chris Distefano]

All right, so then we got Vodka. Vodka, Monkey Squeak with the guilty soul and small feet. Hashtag ucf. Hashtag Go Knights. So you're saying he's an undercover?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, That's. We're getting there.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Phil Bear. Wei John Cena.

[Giannis Pappas]

Wei John instead of Weijon.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, I think we've had that already.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, we went for it.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got Apollonia's Nipples and Godfather Part one.

[Giannis Pappas]

Very nice.

[Chris Distefano]

Nice. I like that. Those are nice nipples. Ray Mao. JD Trans instead of ants. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Good one.

[Chris Distefano]

Chicken finger and franks and beans. We've had that unemployed crisis actor.

[Giannis Pappas]

Put him on the list. That is a chicken finger. That hits the list. That's a contender.

[Chris Distefano]

That's a good one.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got Uncle Russell's Leroy.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's. You can't disp. I mean, that's someone who's just a really attentive fan.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

So what do we attach to the details?

[Chris Distefano]

Pay attention to the details.

[Giannis Pappas]

We.

[Chris Distefano]

We have that maybe on the Patreon. So it's Uncle Russell's Leroy. Should we say if you know, you know and leave it at that?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, that's just. If you know, you know.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And it's very. Just know that we're commending you as a good one, but we can't disparage.

[Giannis Pappas]

Get disparage. Yeah. It's just a detail that Chris shouldn't have said.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, it's just what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's just two personal details.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And not disparaging the family is just part of my journey through sobriety. So, Lynn Poulos. Then we got on Japan. We dropped the bombing. Now we got Ohtani.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's. It's so good, though.

[Chris Distefano]

But it's a good because we've talked about how the nuclear radiation may have made these guys bigger.

[Giannis Pappas]

Why it's so good. I mean it is a walked into one. But how do I not put that on the list?

[Chris Distefano]

Because you are. We are we are we a hundred percent clear.

[Giannis Pappas]

Make an exception because the Japanese were the enemy that we can put it on.

[Chris Distefano]

Do you have Ohtani and these guys as big and good as this without the nuclear bomb? That's the question we're asking here.

[Giannis Pappas]

And that a. That's a contender and I'm putting it on the list.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

The Japanese were the enemy at during.

[Chris Distefano]

That time and they, and they also allowing the joke and they were disgraceful to the Chinese. So that needed to happen. But the good thing is is we is we planted a seed and we grew in Ohtani.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's right.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

Sort of like the silver lining of the situation. It's like if you ask the Japanese people if Ohtani did come from the nuclear bomb.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Would you take it back? Yeah. I mean the pride that you now have in Ohtani.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Was it worth it in some ways? You can't make omelets without breaking a few.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got Anthony Robl and then here we got one Joe Rogan step stool.

[Giannis Pappas]

Ladder 14.

[Chris Distefano]

We might have to give that what that, that might have to catapult on the list. I mean that's the funny one. Yeah. It's got layers.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, it's got layers.

[Chris Distefano]

Tell me got. I ate Caitlyn Jenner's cookie.

[Giannis Pappas]

That one's got phone books.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, that's what it is. So then we got. I ate Caitlyn Jenner's cookie puss. And now I swing right.

[Giannis Pappas]

Cuz she's a right wing girl.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, she's cookie puss. She had a call a cookie puss. A Carvel cake. Which is funny.

[Giannis Pappas]

Drexler.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Tom R Tvisian Lazarus. Then we got N word Scissorhands.

[Giannis Pappas]

Say that. Yeah. It's close to Edward.

[Chris Distefano]

He met Edward. Yeah. Okay. Edward scissors. Okay. And then we got so good. So good. Then we got Winnie the Jew stuck in honey Hamas tunnel. Winnie the Jew might have just got us and he, he spelled it J O O H. It's so good.

[Giannis Pappas]

What do we do? What? It's a walked into one.

[Chris Distefano]

But we can't keep with tighter, right?

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, but we can't just keep walking ones. We can't just. We're so good.

[Chris Distefano]

I know, but we're not saying Winnie the. We're saying Winnie the Jew would have made it. We're saying they're not going to make it. Cuz they put Stuck in honey Hamas tunnels.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, but. But it's also good because Winnie the Pooh loves honey.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Giannis Pappas]

So I think it's.

[Chris Distefano]

I think you want to put them on the list and see what happens.

[Giannis Pappas]

Throw them on the fucking list. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Then we got Pseudo dickless.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got. There's no one at Spring with a Frisbee on FFs.

[Giannis Pappas]

I don't get it.

[Chris Distefano]

I don't get it. Fumario la Fumes. Ian King. Then we got can't date my daughter unless you're white.

[Giannis Pappas]

So long time. Listen, listener.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Then we got Joe Derosa parks in the back of the balls.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay. Because if he went with a. Yep.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got Kamala Harris's. Okay. Can't say because they just full up, full blown said the N word in here.

[Giannis Pappas]

Can't do that one.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, they said it in the song in Paris, but I just can't say it.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right. So that's a. That's a legit.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, that actually, I couldn't actually say.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Then we got. Ivory coast already has enough tariffs. Hashtag stop Trump saying shouldn't be putting tariffs on African nations. Right? They have enough tariffs.

[Giannis Pappas]

They have enough tariffs. We don't need them. Put them on the list.

[Chris Distefano]

All right.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, that's inventive.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got Louis Ceballos, Vinnie, Aurora, Paul. Then we got. Only they're in Donnie T's pool way song.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, that's what walked into one.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So we got some people now going against Trump on the pot.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, we did. Because. Yeah, people just money.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Lady Yasya, Dave and Mac Steven. Make no mistake, when Chrissy's voice breaks, I go peony.

[Giannis Pappas]

Let me just. Before we start. So this means if we're. If we get tariff names, that means we're pretty much caught up.

[Chris Distefano]

We are. Yeah. We got a where, but we still got six pages. So people are just joining.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, yeah. It's great, though, to be caught up to the present.

[Chris Distefano]

Cannot make a name if you've joined for free.

[Giannis Pappas]

I don't know. No, you shouldn't be able to.

[Chris Distefano]

But these are just paid members. Yeah, got it.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. No, only paid members can make.

[Chris Distefano]

Only paid members get their names. Make no mistake. When. Oh, sorry. Louis Galapa. Then we got gay. So I come see men in a different, different way. Why are the best con jam players German, Chris Rodriguez, Nicholas Dodo, Big Mike should commit Sepuku for pulling out their sword. In the sacred temple, AKA the White House bathroom.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's very funny.

[Chris Distefano]

Drexler, Adam Moscata. Then we got Impractical Jokers. HR Rep can't do that.

[Giannis Pappas]

But it's so good, though. I know, but it's a walked in one.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

God, it's so good.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got. Unloaded my glue gun in my mouth. Call me Kurt Cogan.

[Giannis Pappas]

Put them on the list. Contender. Catapult. Yeah, yeah. Put them on the list.

[Chris Distefano]

I need to unload your glue gun in your mouth.

[Giannis Pappas]

It is a contender. This is probably the best list we've ever had. Yes.

[Chris Distefano]

Timothy Young, Ricardo Gomez Tejado. Then we got Dick's Zillow, Jordan Groening. Then we got Pro Life, AKA Preggers. Can't be cheap Choosers.

[Giannis Pappas]

Put them on the list. Holy. This is not. This is too many goods on. This is too good. We should stop. It's not fair.

[Chris Distefano]

Let's just get through one more page. Then we got Trans Toot. Cutie asked me to glue on her flat chest, but I prefer crease pie. Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

Paulo Ripper. Peter.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

You watch? Yeah. It's just what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

They're getting pretty inventive now. Yeah, we can't do that one.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Then we got.

[Giannis Pappas]

Very funny. Obviously, you could see that. Oh, God, I'm crying.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got Dom. Took roofies and woke up with glue on his poopy. Funny. Took roofies.

[Giannis Pappas]

Got better.

[Chris Distefano]

Banged in the butt. Then we got Raising Big Daddy's canes. Matt McCuck's. Her. And Shane Phallus. Marco. Marco Gutierrez, John Paul. Then we got Nancy Fumosi's Frisbee stockbroker, Post Op Malone, which we've had. Right. Hey, cuz. Can I scan a 1940s Frisbee with my Yuka app? It's a walked in one. Okay. Then we got the length. The week. Sorry about that. Yep. There was. I started saying I couldn't stop.

[Giannis Pappas]

You can't. You can't. You can't read.

[Chris Distefano]

You see, when you read, that's what it is. In the brain, out the mouth.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So then we got $3, Bill Nye the day one science, gay twink for the table. Save My Wishbone for the kids. It's what it is, Alex. Then we got Spooky, like Giannis, Witch Hazel, Stink Star, Michael Sheehan, Chris Tingle. I like to jingle. Akash Singh, Street Toilet.

[Giannis Pappas]

Drexler.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah. So good. I mean, it's just anyone. It's unfair to anyone now.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Pappas]

I think we need to stop. We'll Just. We'll get.

[Chris Distefano]

Get to the bottom W. Then we got Jose Menendez. Tucker Cockinson. The Resurrection. The Resurrection. Three words. Okay. Way Sean Connery. Haggis Monkey. Nice.

[Giannis Pappas]

Haggis monkey.

[Chris Distefano]

Barry McColl.

[Giannis Pappas]

Haggis monkey would be a British kid, right? Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Scottish hackers.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Then we got. Sorry, cuz. I had to pirate the special. It's just what it is. Well, thank you, John Black. Zach Isis Finger blasted me with the detonation codes.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

Sergio's Booger Sugar.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's really good. Chicken Finger.

[Chris Distefano]

Yep. Tom Hodggetts. Ladder 14 Cream. Ladder 14 Creams in daydreams of Fuzzy Muzzy Reams. Okay, okay. Andre's Blumkin Epstein babysitting service.

[Giannis Pappas]

I mean, put him on the list. I mean, this is bad.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what it is.

[Giannis Pappas]

This is too much. This is the best. I'm telling you right now. It's the best list we've ever had.

[Chris Distefano]

Bronco Church, Ever. Then we got giannis Looney, Uni, Highlife 93, Tyler Hulston, Awa Weed, Kevin T. Catch My Paralysis Demon is South Macedonian. Yanni Ashley Elizis, Lucas Weiss Shamia. Brown Nipple Winker Cash Patel Wipes His Ass with His Hands.

[Giannis Pappas]

She walked into one.

[Chris Distefano]

Hey, Coolio. Hyena farting in the shower makes those fumes wet and sour.

[Giannis Pappas]

Drexler, Jesus.

[Chris Distefano]

They call me. They call me Santa Claus because I come all over My beard.

[Giannis Pappas]

It makes his beard white.

[Chris Distefano]

It's what it is. Really.

[Giannis Pappas]

Inventive. Direct. Wexler. I'm sorry to you guys. It's just you're in the wrong list.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Then we got Tariff Trump Tuck and Sack back at Studio 51. Mr. Bussy pops getting second while Chrissy plays Hummus Cannon. JP, Brian Alvarez, Colt Palmer. German Sri Lankan laser beam docking. Akash Singh melted 6 ping ping. Put PP in me. But no one care if no. 2 terror if.

[Giannis Pappas]

Uhhuh.

[Chris Distefano]

Voted for Donnie T. AKA you just got.

[Giannis Pappas]

You just got walked in. The wife. Yeah, you just walked in.

[Chris Distefano]

Sorry, I can't hear it when I'm reading.

[Giannis Pappas]

I'm like, no, I know how it is. I know how it is. Jesus Christ, they're getting you bad.

[Chris Distefano]

Ezra Frisbee Stein, war crime attorney.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, I mean, they're really going hard, Liam.

[Chris Distefano]

And then we got. We should be allowed to. In Paris.

[Giannis Pappas]

They got you again. Yeah, they got you again.

[Chris Distefano]

You read it. Okay, do you want to stop here? Then stop.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's too good of a list.

[Chris Distefano]

So it's a short list today, but we. So we're Just gonna have to. Just to. For time. We're gonna have to just. We got a lot of contenders.

[Giannis Pappas]

It's just not fair to people at this point.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, so let me read them out. Williamsburg Ultimate Frisbee champion. Kanye West.

[Giannis Pappas]

We're gonna. We're gonna drex for that. Drex for that any other day.

[Chris Distefano]

Unemployed crisis actor.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's so good.

[Chris Distefano]

So they're still now. Okay. On Japan, we dropped the bomb. Now we got ot. On Japan, we dropped the bomby. Now we got Ohtani.

[Giannis Pappas]

Gotta keep it.

[Chris Distefano]

Keep it in.

[Giannis Pappas]

If people read that on history, Hyenas is back. Do we look like a really horrible people? Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So we're.

[Giannis Pappas]

We're gonna.

[Chris Distefano]

We're gonna keep it for us, but we just know it can't win on the list.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's right.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Joe Rogan step stool.

[Giannis Pappas]

We got to get rid of that because.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, just.

[Giannis Pappas]

We just got to get rid of that. Even though it's goody.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Winnie the Jew stuck in honey Hamas tunnels. Do we have the same old honey problem?

[Giannis Pappas]

We have the same problem. So keep it for now.

[Chris Distefano]

Just. We're keeping it for now, but just know you're not going to win.

[Giannis Pappas]

I don't know if you just can't.

[Chris Distefano]

Put your name up there in light.

[Giannis Pappas]

I don't know if you could be lights.

[Chris Distefano]

So what we could actually do, though, is if these two. One of these two do come down to being the winner. We won't put them on History is his Back dot com. We will put them up on Patreon. Right, so. Because we can't put them on lights for free.

[Giannis Pappas]

Right, Exactly. And by the way, we still.

[Chris Distefano]

We.

[Giannis Pappas]

We did the. We did the poll, and remember, we did that one episode where we said we were going to let the. The votes decide. So we have to put up the winner from that.

[Chris Distefano]

Put up the winner from that. Tony, if you're listening, put up the winner.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Ivory coast already has enough tariffs, tariff. Stop Trump.

[Giannis Pappas]

We're going to. We're going to. We're going to drex through that.

[Chris Distefano]

Drexer that. Okay, good. Good try. Then we got. Unloaded my glue gun in my mouth. Call me Kurt coast cocaine co gain. Yeah, like Cobain. But they spell the G A, Y N. That's another.

[Giannis Pappas]

I mean, what do we do with that?

[Chris Distefano]

Because I feel like that's more. Okay.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, so keep it around.

[Chris Distefano]

Keep it around. Okay. And then we got pro life, AKA preggers can't be choosers.

[Giannis Pappas]

We're going to keep that. Okay, that's probably going to win.

[Chris Distefano]

And then we got Epstein babysitting service, which I like, but I thought we've had.

[Giannis Pappas]

I don't know. Yeah, we might have. I don't know.

[Chris Distefano]

That's the only thing. But it is goody.

[Giannis Pappas]

Keep it around. Okay, these are all contenders.

[Chris Distefano]

So here's the contenders.

[Giannis Pappas]

No, no, no, no. Yeah, put that up. Yeah, that was. That was. Yeah, that was. Walked into one. Yeah. Jesse just doubled it.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So we got unemployed crisis actor on Japan. We dropped the bomby. Now we got Ohtani.

[Giannis Pappas]

Okay, so let's get rid of the bond we dropped. Oh, Tommy.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. And then we're also going to have to get rid of Winnie the Jew stuck in honey Hamas tunnels.

[Giannis Pappas]

Yeah, we're going to get rid of now.

[Chris Distefano]

Really? We got unemployed crisis actor. And we also have unloaded my glue gun in my mouth. Call me Kurt Cogan.

[Giannis Pappas]

Let's drexter that one. Just because, you know, we you don't want to do suicide.

[Chris Distefano]

So unemployed crisis actor, pro life, AKA preggers can't be choosers. It's really between unemployed crisis actor and pro life, AKA preggers can't be choosers.

[Giannis Pappas]

That's right. I'm going to go. We haven't had a good chicken finger victory. So my vote is for unemployed crisis actor.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, so unemployed crisis actor, you are the PPW up in lights. You can see your name at history hyenas is back dot com. However, at patreon.comhistory you will be able to see Winnie the Jew stuck in honey Hamas tunnels on Japan we dropped the bombing. Now we got Ohtani, Peter and Epstein babysitting service. So Tony, if you listen, put those up on the Patreon. All right. And come see us. Christy comedy.com for all my stand updates. Giannispapas comedy.com for all stand updates or both of our dates [e-mail] Yanni, go see him in Cleveland and you can come see me in Albany and New Haven, Connecticut at the end of April.