Jewish in the South w/ David Cross | History Hyenas

Summary

History Hyenas: "Jewish in the South w/ David Cross"

April 16, 2026

Episode Overview

Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas bring legendary comedian David Cross on for a wild, irreverent, and surprisingly reflective episode. The theme: growing up Jewish in the American South, twisted through the lens of personal stories, standup memories, generational culture clashes, and hysterical detours into podcast absurdity. Audiences get deep insights into Cross’s comedic origins, his experiences with mild anti-Semitism, and his current life as a touring comic, plus a parade of offbeat history, riffing, inside jokes, and the signature chaotic Hyenas banter.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Welcome, Intros, and Nazi Aesthetics (00:44–04:00)

• Playful AKAs: The hosts shower Cross with "friendly" Jewish-themed nicknames (e.g., "Davey the Jew")—Cross deadpans, "In a different era that would mean something, but in a friendly way..." (02:07–02:14).
• Nazi Leadership Roasting: A riff on the unattractive physical traits of Nazi leadership. Cross jokes, "[Göring and Himmler] look like Stephen Miller" (02:54–02:58).
• Visiting Dachau: Chris and Yannis discuss visiting a German concentration camp, observing the somber mood and the uncomfortable commercialism of the site's gift shop. Cross finds the existence of a gift shop "very distasteful... not the time or the place, guys" (04:15–04:27).

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2. Podcasting vs. Standup: Creative Freedom (05:53–08:04)

• Podcast Authenticity: Chris and Yannis see podcasting as a haven from executive interference. David Cross counters: "Stand-up is a completely different skill set" (06:18).
• Translating Bits: The trio agree—jokes that kill on a podcast often flop on stage. Cross: "You bring it to stage and it bombs immediately. Totally different thing." (06:21–06:36).

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3. Stand-Up Origins and Life-Threatening Stories (06:49–10:49)

• Cross’s Influence: Yannis credits Cross’s 1999 HBO special 'The Pride is Back' and a Carlin special as formative—“That was an incredible hour and inspired me in comedy, and it also made me an organ donor” (07:22–07:39).
• The Shooting Story: Yannis recounts getting shot during an attempted robbery soon after starting stand-up. The bullet "travelled from inner thigh up into the butt cheek" (08:59). Cross asks, "Was the guy shooting from the ground?" (09:02).

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4. Real Estate, Wealth, and Domestic Life (11:49–16:24)

• House Envy: Chris’s wife is inspired by a video tour of Cross’s home, leading to domestic pressure about home improvements. Cross shrugs: “All of that stuff you cited was stolen” (12:31–12:34).
• Cross’s Dog: Discussion of the family's large "Bernadoodle." On the breed: “Just because I don't like saying that word. I don't like saying it… seems emasculating” (16:22).

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5. Fatherhood at an ‘Advanced’ Age & Parenting Realities (17:22–18:47)

• David Cross on having a daughter at 53: “Yeah, first and I assume only [child]” (17:32–17:34).
• Comedians riff on men’s ability to father children late in life: “You could have another if you wanted.” / “Look at Pacino. Look at Musk...” (17:41–17:48).
• On vasectomy vs. keeping options open: “I've got an envelope of cum in the freezer…” (18:47).

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6. Age-Gap Relationships and Getting Old (20:22–23:44)

• On prepping a young wife for eldercare: "I just started wearing diapers around the house... so I recommend, just get her ready" (22:13).
• Cross: “There's always gonna be a first time [changing a diaper]... So why not just move that say 30 years down the line?” (22:39–22:48).

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7. Work-Life Balance & The Grind of Touring (28:29–32:33)

• Cross discusses the misery (and necessity) of constant travel as a comic: “I cannot get on another plane, go to another regional airport... so I can get to Houston…” (29:49–30:09).
• Standup is still the best way to make real money: “That is the thing that makes the most money for the least amount of time.” (30:23).

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8. Comedy Specials: Mainstream vs. DIY (33:37–34:16)

• Cross reflects on moving from big-budget Netflix tapings to self-produced YouTube releases: “You don't need a million dollars to shoot a fucking guy on a stage” (32:05–32:10).
• He loves music venues for the vibe: “You have a different connection with the audience... more unique, who knows what's going to happen” (34:01–34:16).

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9. Satirical "Conservatism" & Raising a Family in the South (34:29–36:50)

• Cross satirizes right-wing tropes about parenting: “I want her to be suspicious of people who don't look like her... to have a terrible education... I want her to have an incomplete idea of civics” (35:44–35:55).

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10. Growing Up Jewish in the Rural South (37:24–44:45)

• Microaggressions and Bullying:
  • “Their parents told them. There’s a Jew down there…” (37:45–37:49).
  • Experiences ranged from being pelted with pennies (“I made 27 cents... bought Nazi gold” – 39:01–39:06) to odd parental questions at friends’ houses (“Do y’all’s people eat oatmeal?” – 40:25).
• Trauma Memory: Cross recalls a classmate, goaded by his father, having to hit him and call him a “dirty Jew.” “It was one of the worst days I’ve ever had…” (43:15–44:18).

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11. Family Lineage & British-Jewish History (47:26–49:19)

• Cross learned his family has deep roots in Leeds, UK: “I just assumed Jews in Europe... escaped the pogroms. But it goes way back" (48:36–49:04).
• Speculation whether their ancestors did British colonial misdeeds; the hosts joke, “They didn't treat Indians that great” (49:12–49:14).

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12. Celebrity Culture, Rumors, & Hollywood Weirdness (49:52–51:58)

• Riff on “baby blood” skincare conspiracies stemming from Ellen/Sandra Bullock (50:22–51:12).
• Cross: “Celebrity itself is a weird kind of thing... the community and culture in Hollywood is kind of isolated and sort of out of touch.” (51:28–51:42)

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13. Funny Voices, Accents, and Learning “The Black Voice” (52:28–54:29)

• Cross relates being taught a “black guy” voice in college—demonstrated to much laughter (52:44–53:22).
• Jokes about regional accents, southern pronunciation ("egg" vs. "ayg") (54:02–54:25).

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14. Free Public Transit, European Touring, and Scandinavian Social Norms (56:44–61:22)

• Cross lampoons New York pundits terrified of free public transit (“Who's going to ride the bus when the bus is free?” – 56:44–56:46).
• Raves about seamless, crime-free European travel, especially in Scandinavia: “Everything just works... You can walk around at night…” (58:21–58:39).
• On the Swedish “law of Jante”: “Don’t try to stand out. Just be one of the people. You’re not cool. Don’t try to achieve anything” (61:09–61:15).

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15. Viking Slave History (61:22–62:31)

• The Vikings’ centuries-long trade of white slaves to Muslim rulers: "So the Vikings didn't care, but the Muslim guys specifically wanted the white women…" (61:44).

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16. A Nod to Cross’s 'Run Ronnie Run' and Movie Industry Absurdities (62:39–63:36)

• Cross explains how his movie 'Run Ronnie Run' got bumped for 'Jason vs. Freddy' (“They thought they'd have a better shot with that.” – 63:13).
• Tangent: They marvel at the absurd escalation of the 'Friday the 13th/Jason' franchise: "At some point, they're like—the only thing left is to throw him in space" (63:54).

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17. Patreon Names Segment & Lexicon Expansion (66:20–77:34)

• The hosts read off fan-submitted, often outrageous Patreon usernames—some with anti-Semitic tropes, which they comment on candidly (“Good note. Yeah, we understand that.” – 67:32).
• Hilarious debate on “fume garage” as new slang for the butt: “Calling the. You know, getting the chimney swept is getting your ass eaten. And getting the tongue in the fume garage…” (68:16–68:24).
• As always, ends with “Pseudo Penis of the Week”—the winning user-submitted name judged most inventive (77:21).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Nazi leadership:
  "Hitler—ugly. Göring—fat fuck. Goebbels—ugly. There were no hotties."
  — Chris Distefano (02:40)

• On Dachau's distasteful gift shop:
  "I found the gift shop version very distasteful... Not the time or the place, guys."
  — David Cross (04:15–04:27)

• Podcast vs Standup:
  "You realize you could say something that's really funny on a podcast, and you bring it to stage and it bombs immediately."
  — Chris Distefano (06:21)

• On being shot doing comedy:
  "The bullet went from inner thigh up into the butt cheek."
  — Yannis Pappas (08:59)
  "Where was that guy shooting from, the ground?"
  — David Cross (09:02)

• Envelope of cum as insurance:
  "I've got an envelope of cum in the freezer."
  — David Cross (18:47)

• Southern school anti-Semitism:
  "My dad said I should either beat you up or hit you... and tell you you're a dirty Jew. Heart was not in it, clearly."
  — David Cross on a childhood incident (43:15–44:18)

• Comedy career economics:
  "You don't need a million dollars to shoot a fucking guy on a stage."
  — David Cross (32:05)

• Satire of southern values:
  "I want her to be suspicious of people who don't look like her... to have an incomplete idea of civics."
  — David Cross (35:44–35:55, fully satirical)

• American vs. European quality of life:
  "What the fuck am I doing in America? Everything just works... You can walk around at night..."
  — David Cross (58:21–58:39)

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Timestamps of Important Segments

• Nazi Leadership and Dachau — 02:20–04:29
• Podcasting vs. Stand-Up — 06:00–08:04
• The Shooting Story — 08:04–10:49
• Fatherhood and Envelope of Cum — 17:34–19:03
• Tour Life & Economy of Comedy — 29:30–33:37
• Reflecting on Being Jewish in the South — 37:24–44:45
• Hollywood, Celebrity Rumors, and Voices — 49:52–54:29
• European Quality of Life and Transport — 56:44–61:22
• Patreon Names/Lexicon Segment — 66:20–76:31

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Tone and Style

• Unfiltered, Fast-Paced, and Absurd: The Hyenas’ signature style is present throughout—raucous tangents, risque bits, and inside jokes abound.
• Cross’s Dry Wit: David Cross’s understated dryness, left-of-center politics, and ability to riff and satirize mesh well with the hosts’ raging energy.
• Honest but Playfully Dark: Deep cultural reflection meets relentless, sometimes dark, standup energy—nothing too sacred, but always aware of the line.

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Summary

A raucous yet thoughtful oral history of growing up Jewish in the rural South, the economics of being a touring comic, and the comic’s struggle with aging, family, and keeping up with modern culture—all wrapped in the History Hyenas’ insane, no-holds-barred podcast energy. The episode veers wildly between tragedy, satirical right-wing impressions, and deeply personal anecdotes, delivering both deep laughs and real insight into the life and reflections of one of comedy’s most revered outsiders.

Transcript

[A]

All right, guys, we got a great episode coming at you. We have the comedy legend David Cross. He laughs so hard his hat falls off. If you want to see me, I'll be in New York City, Thursday, April 30, 6pm and 8:30pm New York comedy Club. More dates coming.

[B]

Yeah. See me in Boston this weekend. Then West Nyack, New York, the weekend after that. Then Emmaus, Pennsylvania, May 2, Patreon.com history hyenas. Join the matriarchy. Get the episodes ad free, uncensored, a day early. Extra bonus episodes. Every week, another episode of History Hyenas. And it only costs you five beans. And if you got a little scratch, it'll cost you 10. And if you're a real sneaky goo, you can go for 25.

[A]

Enjoy. David Cross, the bug. What's up, everybody? Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. I'm Chris Estefano, AKA Chrissy Cholesterol. We with me as always, Giannis Pappas, AKA Yanni Faji Yogurt. And we have with us today a very, very special guest, a legend in the comedy game. We have him sitting to our immediate left because we've kept it kosher for our Jewish brother, David Cross.

[C]

Oh, thank you.

[A]

Where's my aka oh, David, David David Cross. AKA doesn't believe in Jesus.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

AKA Doesn't.

[C]

Doesn't really trip off the tongue.

[A]

Okay, flow. David Cross. David Cross.

[B]

AK

[A]

David Cross. What could we do for him?

[C]

Jesus doubter.

[A]

Yes. David David Cross, AKA Davey the Jew. Okay, well, that's.

[C]

I guess in a different era that would mean something, but in a friendly

[A]

way, you know what I mean?

[C]

Like, that's how they. That's how they get you.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

It's in a friendly way.

[A]

That's how it starts. Not like in a nasty way, you know what I mean? In a I love, I'm excited way.

[B]

You know, it's funny in historical. When you look back at history and you look back at the Nazis. Because he's German, right?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

None of the. None of the high leadership. None of the high leadership looked like you. No, it was never a guy like you. Like, if it was a handsome guy, like, right. With blonde hair, who's 6:1 talking, I might be like, you know what?

[A]

Yeah. You look at the leaders, you had Hitler ugly. Goring fat fuck.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Himmler ugly.

[B]

Isn't that funny?

[A]

Goebbels ugly. There were no hotties.

[C]

And two of them look like Stephen Miller.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Like, exactly like you look at that and go, oh, wow, that's good.

[A]

Point.

[C]

And what was the other. The guy at the Heydrich. No, the Nuremberg trials was.

[A]

Well, Guring was the fame. Was the big guy. Himmler killed himself.

[B]

I'm just taking a guess. Was a Simla there?

[A]

Yeah, well, Herman Guring. And then who else was. Oh, yeah, the other guy.

[B]

Henry Himmler.

[C]

Himmler.

[A]

Himmler. Heinrich Himmler.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Goebbels.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But Himmler wasn't at the Nuremberg. Guring was the big fish.

[C]

Foreman Spear. Secretary Albert Spear. Of course.

[A]

Of course.

[C]

We forget the legend.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

What a wild time that was.

[A]

What's wild, too. I always had a bad party. They had a bad. But, you know.

[C]

Have you all been to Germany?

[A]

Uh, yes. Yeah, we went to. We went to Munich together, Giannis and I, and then we went to Dachau concentration camp visit. It was wild. Yeah, it was. What was wild for us to notice is, like, you know, we're comedians, so whatever. Always down to, like, mess around. But at the concentration camp, we were like, you know, being pretty serious and respectful. And then there were people there just, like, Snapchat filtering. They had a QR code on one of, like, the old gas chambers. I was like, what the hell are you doing?

[B]

Yeah, well, they should take your phone. Like, they should take it back.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the. I found the gift shop version very distasteful.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

The. The little stress balls. They.

[A]

Yeah,

[B]

yeah.

[C]

Time or the place, guys.

[A]

Yeah, not right.

[B]

It should be a somber. It should really be somber.

[C]

It shouldn't be a somber gift shop. Yeah, you know. Yeah, just like, just some, I don't know, mock Zyklon B.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Like pillows.

[A]

Yeah, like, things like that. Yeah. They were selling vacuum cleaners and Dustbusters and we need.

[C]

Like that. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know, like.

[B]

Well, they got upkeep. You know, they got expenses.

[C]

And gold coins. I didn't. The gold coin, I didn't love that. I didn't like that either.

[A]

I didn't. I mean, I bought a few, obviously. I have children, but, I mean, it's an investment. Yes.

[C]

And invest. Yes, sure.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You could get one of those Yuden stars. Yeah, that's good for the kids.

[A]

Yeah, those are good.

[C]

But. But they were made out of maple sugar. That was the issue. I don't. Again, it's just distasteful, I find.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. And then, remember, my daughter was. She had just started talking then. And then, unfortunately, her first word, people always ask, what's the first word? First word was Juden. And that was just because we had just taken that trip, so.

[C]

But she did it while pointing.

[A]

Yes. Yeah,

[C]

man, this went. This veered off immediately.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, we just said kosher and then went that. Well, I don't know.

[C]

Deep down the.

[A]

Well, we'll get it. Well, you know how it is in podcasting now. We just really need 90 seconds of a clip. So the rest of this is irrelevant.

[C]

Yep, I'm good.

[B]

Do you like podcasts? Do you feel like it's a way for comedians to just show their talents without having any executives or, you know, infrastructure in the way?

[C]

No. I mean, as far as talent.

[A]

No.

[C]

I mean, there are people that are naturally funny conversationally that have, you know, have. Aren't standups, but stand up is a completely different.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Completely different skill set.

[B]

Yeah. Right. That is true.

[A]

Yeah. I think. I think with podcasting now, for us, like, our generation is like, you know, we think like, oh, this is where, like, we'll get our ideas out. Where it used to be, like, stand up at night is where you get your ideas out, but you realize you could say something that's really funny on a podcast, and you bring it to stage and it bombs immediately. It's a whole totally different thing.

[C]

Totally different thing. And it's, you know, there's. There's less. And it's also people having a conversation, talking over each other. So, yeah. Not one person up there going, you know, using cadence.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Delivery and all.

[A]

Now, Giannis, you. You're one of his favorite comedians. Your special in 99 was. It was your inspiration to start stand up. You told me.

[B]

I'll be honest. Yeah, I think 99, there was, like, I had just come out of college, and there was, like, you know, two specials was George Carlin's at that time, I think it was called you're all Diseased. And then. Which was, I thought, like, one of his best. And then yours on HBO at that time, what was it called?

[C]

Pride is Back.

[A]

The Pride is Back.

[B]

I mean, that was an incredible hour, and it inspired me in comedy, and it also made me an organ donor. I don't know if it was that special, but you had a joke. You had an organ donor joke that was so funny. But it also made me go like, yeah.

[C]

Oh, the thing about the necrophilia. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You were like, yeah, I don't care what you do with my body. You can all circle jerk around me because I'm dead.

[C]

Yeah, I don't know if I said that, but I think you did. I think we'll try to draw the line.

[B]

No, I think you did. I Think you did.

[C]

Maybe that was the. To ease into the necrophilia.

[B]

I think you ease. Yeah, I think you eased in there. You didn't start necrophilia. That's the.

[C]

Brought them along, took their hand, held their hand.

[B]

You let them trust you first.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And what was good about that is you became an organ donor and then started stand up comedy and then immediately got shot as soon as you started comedy. That's true. He immediately hits. Man was shot in the leg.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Really?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

What happened? Because of a bad set.

[A]

Yeah, because of the pride is back. He got shot.

[C]

Wait, what happened?

[B]

Totally unrelated, but it was when I started comedy. Yeah. It was two years later. 2000. 2001, right, Jesse, 2001. Yeah.

[A]

Got shot.

[C]

Tell me the circumstances.

[B]

It was an attempted robbery. A friend of mine, just a little club promoter, and he would carry cash out and it was like an attempted robbery on him. And I was there and I got shot. Point blank range.

[C]

Jesus.

[A]

Yeah, in the butt. Right in the.

[B]

In the leg. It traveled to the butt, but it

[A]

traveled to the butt. Do you feel. Because I've never been shot. But do you. Have you ever told.

[C]

The bullet went up.

[B]

The bullet went from inner thigh up into the butt cheek.

[C]

But where was the guy shooting from the ground?

[B]

No, he was in the car. And I pushed his arm down and he fired. I was in the car. I was in a Jeep Cherokee trying to close the door.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. And he just. Yeah. Pumped it.

[C]

Where was this?

[B]

Yeah, this was in Soho on Hudson. Hudson and Varic at this old club called Envy.

[C]

Oh, and it was a little sketchier back then, too.

[B]

Yeah, well, no, Soho wasn't. But that club was.

[C]

But that Varrick was, you know, a little bit still kind of industrial. Ish.

[B]

No, no. Then it was like. It was. It was a pretty good area. It wasn't like it is today. It was more. Yeah, a little more industrialist, but not bad.

[A]

Did you call the cops right away or what happened?

[B]

The cops were already there because the nightclub on that night, my friend was a promoter. That night. That night was a constant problem. Something else happened at that club. There was like some promising director or something. This is a horrible story. So this was a really like gangster comedy night. I mean, club night. It was either a Tuesday or Wednesday. And my friend was one of the promoters and I worked there. I just started doing comedy. I was doing the door or whatever. So the cops were always there just because the neighborhood, you know, was Soho. So they were complaining so much about, you know, they were always there on another night. Remember this story, Jesse? It was like crazy. This young director, he was just getting his start. He was, like, getting really big. Some drug dealer, whatever criminal shot another guy outside that club while he was in his car. And the guy started driving while he was shot. And he got plugged like six times or whatever, and he's driving and then he dies at the wheel. And he just hits this director who was walking at, like, 2 in the morning by himself and killed him.

[C]

Damn.

[B]

Yeah. So it was completely random.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it was like, you know, community board definitely wanted to shut that night down.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But you still have the bullet in your leg.

[B]

No, they took it out.

[A]

Damn.

[B]

They took it out. Did I ever tell you the story when they took it out? True story. They took it out. They put you in the stirrups because they had to remove it from here. And as I was coming to, I farted right in the face of the surgeon and the nurse.

[A]

Because you just.

[B]

I didn't know where I was. I just farted.

[A]

Oh, you had passed out after they shot.

[B]

No, no.

[C]

They put me for the surgery.

[B]

Because you were in a hundred places, but this one.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I thought, now, how come you couldn't just fart the bullet out? Did anybody approach you with that?

[B]

No. Nobody ever said, like, did you ever try to put some wind behind it and some real. Yeah, no.

[A]

Yeah, that is a good point.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Now, luckily, it didn't hit any organs.

[B]

That was the thing. Major artery runs down the leg. And when I got to the hospital, there was a female doctor who was putting her finger in my ass to,

[C]

like, check and push the bullet, try

[B]

to see where it was, if it done damage. I don't know.

[A]

Now, David, you've really screwed me. You don't even realize because a few days ago on Caleb Simpson's show, the House Guy show, you gave a tour of your home and. Very funny tour. And the problem is, I showed my wife because I was like, look at how funny this bit is. Cause, you know, you're sleeping in the crate downstairs, whatever, and not understand. I mean, I knew the home was beautiful, but not understanding that a woman is gonna look at that and look at the decor and from the coffered ceilings to the stained glass windows to the beautiful kitchen to how gorgeous your home is. And now what's happened to me is she's been asking me, like, how much money do we have? What have we saved?

[C]

All of that stuff that you just cited was stolen.

[A]

Was stolen? Yeah. Okay, so that's Good. If she's gonna listen to this, tell her, because she is now has. I have a contractor coming to my home.

[C]

I had my wife steal it. So that's on her. She wants to decorate.

[A]

Yeah. She could steal it.

[C]

Go steal the stuff.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I'm not paying for it. Yeah, because that's what you say to her.

[A]

That's what I'll say to her. Yeah.

[C]

You're a white Christian nationalist.

[A]

100%. Yes. Yes. And he's Latina. So I can go into this, you know.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I can do the. There's a million things I can do with her.

[B]

You can do.

[A]

So, you know, but. But it is like, there's a contractor, as I was leaving today, saying, oh, I've. David Cross is coming on to my wife. And she was like, oh. She was like, jonathan, the contractor's actually coming over today at noon.

[C]

I'm coming onto your wife. What are you talking.

[A]

Yeah, right. No, I said david Cross is coming on the show.

[C]

I meant to say the show.

[A]

What did I say?

[C]

You said, david Cross is coming on my wife.

[A]

Oh, I meant to say David Cross

[C]

is coming on to.

[A]

David Cross is coming on, period.

[B]

So far, you've come on his wife and you come on a bunch of dead bodies in the first couple of

[A]

minutes, which all are okay.

[C]

I didn't come on the dead bodies joke. Proverbially, the people were coming onto a dead body. Yeah.

[B]

No, but you said in the joke that I liked. You said, I don't care if a bunch of necrophilia. Oh, you weren't they, were you.

[C]

They're coming on me.

[B]

You were more Jim Norton in this scenario.

[A]

Yes, but she has.

[B]

Sorry, I had the nice. You were more receiving.

[A]

Yeah, that one. That one knocked David's hat off.

[B]

I love Jim Now, I got offended by this. Just because I'm such a dog lover, I started to wonder, do you let. Is your dog sleeping in a crate in the fucking basement?

[C]

No, I mean, that was.

[B]

Look at that dog.

[C]

Yeah, she's a pain in the ass.

[B]

So you put her in the basement, don't you.

[C]

So that crate was, you know, almost like infant that's been bitten by a radioactive human adult. This dog grew outgrew crates within seven weeks when we got her. She was the size of her head now.

[A]

Right.

[C]

And that crate, we had a bigger one. And the chi outgrew. I mean, it's.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

It was.

[B]

What kind of dog is it?

[C]

Bernadoodle. So Bernie's mountain dog mixed with the poodle because it is hypoallergenic. And my wife.

[B]

That's a good white neighborhood dog. Anything mixed with a doodle.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It's a popular.

[A]

Yeah, that's what we want. And the hypoallergenic is good. I have a Siberian husky, so I have the exact opposite of hypoallergenic. I have. I have an allergy. I have a disease.

[C]

I had a dog that I've talked about in Stand up, how to put her down.

[A]

And did you do it or did that do it?

[C]

I did it. I just got a pillow.

[B]

Right.

[C]

And did, you know, the classic. Sure, yeah. Hold them down. And then. And just, you know, not knowing if I had completed the task, I just beat her with a bowling.

[A]

Right.

[C]

You know, just to make sure. And then. And then you know, carved up the body and sent it to Ohio.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

As you do.

[C]

Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I respect that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Felt. Felt a little stress. Relieved after now.

[C]

Yeah. But the. My prior dog, I had before I met my wife, and she was allergic to that. That was a rescue dog and shed a lot. So we. In order to get another dog, my wife insisted it's got to be hypoallergen, otherwise I would never get a Bernadoodle. Just because I don't like saying that word. I don't like saying it.

[A]

Burn a doodle.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Seems emasculating.

[B]

They don't do well in the. In the spring and fall and summer. Right. Winter.

[C]

Summer. Oh, yeah. For she loves snow, she loves the winter. But, yeah, we have to cut her down or, you know, shave her, basically. Because in that video, 80% of that is hair.

[A]

Right.

[C]

She's. She's big. She's got a big skeleton, but she's not, like, beefy.

[A]

Right.

[C]

A lot of that is hair.

[B]

Do you take her to the dog parks there?

[C]

Yeah, yeah, twice a day.

[B]

Do you see. Are there still a lot of pit bulls out there in Brooklyn? I haven't been in a while, but I used to see David at the dog park. Oh, you didn't really see him.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

He didn't look like he was interested

[B]

in small talk at all.

[C]

No, absolutely not.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And, you know, for somebody who really hates small talk, I'm a glut for punishment with that dog. And my daughter just.

[A]

Yeah, you don't want to talk to your daughter.

[B]

You don't want to talk to your dog.

[C]

I don't want to talk to my dog. That's why I got the dog.

[A]

Right.

[C]

So the dog can talk to her. She can talk to the dog enough.

[A]

How old is your daughter?

[C]

Nine.

[A]

Wow. You're a 62 year old guy. You had a baby.

[C]

Late, Very late. Yeah.

[A]

Wow, good. And that's your first child?

[C]

Yeah, first and I assume only.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We have daughters. We have daughters too.

[B]

You could have another one if you wanted though.

[A]

100%.

[C]

Yeah. No, I'm a man.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So they could do it. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I mean, look at Al Pacino.

[C]

Look at Musk.

[B]

Look at Musk.

[A]

Look at that. Yeah, look at. Look at. We've said this before in the pod, but I think just two years ago, the last descendant whose father fought in the Civil War, that guy just died like two or three years ago because he died at 98. The guy whose father fought in the Civil War and then his father fought in the Civil War when his father was 15 years old, but he only had him when he was 91.

[C]

91.

[A]

He was 91 years old in the 1800s and had this kid.

[B]

You just have to have someone hold it for you.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

Spotter.

[C]

Barely anybody was living the 91.

[A]

He had it. Theo Vaughn's father had him when he was like 84 or something like that. Yeah, it can happen. You can still pump it out.

[B]

You gotta keep it. Like people who get themselves like neutered. What's that called?

[C]

Vasectomy.

[A]

Vasectomy.

[B]

Get a vasectomy. It's like, you know, I don't understand it. Like if you're in a relationship, you need to just. You don't have to use it, but it's like a card. You want against your wife. You want her to always.

[C]

I've got an envelope of cum in the freezer. Yes, that's good too.

[B]

As a threat. It's just like a little.

[C]

It's not even. It's just like a reminder.

[B]

It's a reminder. Yeah.

[C]

You know, I've got an envelope of common thing.

[A]

I have it.

[B]

Yeah. Does she ever go, what for? Like.

[C]

And. Yes. And I just like, you know, coffee, just. Yeah, so whatever, sure. Just. That's what I'll say.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So did you. Did you. Was it planned to have the kid at 53? Were you like, let's do it?

[C]

Yes, I. We. She got pregnant.

[B]

Envelope become.

[A]

That should be the name of the episode. Envelope of Come with David Cross.

[C]

I like the delayed reaction.

[B]

Well, she's thinking like, you know, there's like. I don't know why. It's fun.

[A]

Envelope is a funny. It's just false holder. It's an envelope.

[B]

It's a very funny jar of cum.

[A]

We've heard cup of cum yeah, I've

[B]

never heard an envelope.

[C]

I'm a professional envelope of cum is

[B]

the, you know, you send someone an envelope. Vanthrax or.

[A]

Right. Oh, look, look who decided to show up. Our producer, Nick. Yeah.

[B]

On the day that the most excited to meet.

[A]

Yeah. Probably one of your biggest fans and then you show up an hour and a half late. Yeah, you envelope of come.

[B]

What happened? Was there like a.

[A]

What happened?

[B]

Chilean parade we didn't know about?

[A]

Oh, did we not tell. Oh, we didn't tell him that we started at 11. If it was 11:30, it's 11:39. Yeah, all right, fine. You're right. I can't stay mad at you.

[B]

You just missed an envelope of come.

[A]

Yeah, you just missed a good joke. That's all right. Yeah. Get out your boat. Sorry. This is Nick.

[B]

Yeah, that's.

[C]

Hi, Nick.

[A]

He's a good man.

[B]

He's a good man. You have a big age gap with your wife. So do I. I got a little bit of an age gap. It's nice, right? You kind of, you get married to a girl and then also can use her as a nurse later, which is

[A]

good in a way.

[C]

I, that's what I. Look, I, you know, you, you joke, but my, my wife's parents have an age gap. Not as severe as we do, but like a, I think it's like 14 years. I want to say something like that.

[A]

That's what I mean, 14 years.

[C]

13. 14. And that's what's happening now, you know, with them. Yeah.

[B]

So she's prepared.

[C]

Oh, yeah. I mean, we, you know, it's a very strange situation to be in where you're kind of waiting for the call, you know, and not, you know, excitedly, but just, it's a, it's a, it's a thing that we both go through and have for years where, you know, if her mother in law, you know, calls their name comes up, it, you know, you don't, you don't go, oh God, no. Is this it? But it's just a thing in the back of your head.

[B]

I've been there.

[C]

And it's.

[B]

Yeah, what you're saying is she's on the Runway. She's close, she's close. The plane's on the Runway. The mother in law's planes on the Runway.

[C]

No, no, no, I'm talking about my father.

[B]

Oh, the father's plane's on the Runway.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, you mean the call from the mother in law saying, yes, yes, the plane's taken off.

[C]

No, I would not expect my mother in Law to call me as she was dying. I think that would be weird and I'm not gonna. I don't want to expect that I messed up. Yeah, I think that's ask.

[B]

Yeah, you're right.

[C]

I mean if nothing else, you should call her daughter, right. Not her son in law.

[B]

Well, what I've started doing to prepare my wife is I just started wearing diapers around the house right. Just to let her know what so she can practice a little bit. So I recommend right. Just get her ready and just be like baby, I did it and then just see she changes it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Get used to what it's gonna be like.

[A]

Get a nurse.

[B]

Yeah, I don't want her, I don't want it to like hit her like a cold bucket of water. I want her to be eased into changing my diapers and cleaning my shit out of my asshole.

[C]

I think that's just gonna happen naturally. There's always gonna be a first time whether you move that up by saying hey, I'm gonna get you used to it.

[A]

Right.

[C]

It's still gonna be a little disconcerting the first couple times. So why not just move that say 30 years down the line?

[B]

But are you a little paranoid? Like when you start getting like that she'll leave because she'll still be like hot and you'll like. So I just want to test her. That's why I do it. I want to see what kind of, you know, are you willing.

[A]

You got to be really.

[B]

I get irritable. I'll say like racist things and like like at an old folks gotta be

[A]

really see if she no she raises.

[B]

I want to see what kind if she's gonna abuse me.

[A]

There's not a woman in this world that would leave David Cross. What are you nuts?

[B]

What are you crazy? Of course she will.

[C]

Well I mean if I'm fitting myself,

[A]

that's a reason to stay for some depends back to Jim Norton.

[C]

That is true, Jim.

[A]

That's when Jim would start DMing you.

[C]

I just happen to be in your neighborhood.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

What are you doing? Can I pop in?

[B]

Cause yeah.

[A]

You've been looking cute, you've been looking tan, you've been looking in shape. I got my hair combed to the other side and do you know what I combed my hair with today? A little rough greens. You did? I did. Even though that it says even. You use that? It's a supplement. Yeah, I put it in my hair.

[B]

Why the heck not?

[A]

Because it's dog food.

[B]

Yeah, well, it's dog supplement.

[A]

Yeah, I comb my hair with dog

[B]

food because they sent me a pack. Let me tell you something, they gave me little treats too that I gave to my dog. And then all you gotta do is sprinkle a little bit of. It's very easy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Sprinkle a little bit on your dog's kibble or their meal.

[A]

Beautiful.

[B]

Give them a little extra something. It's like dog peptide.

[A]

That's what it is. It's like peptides for dogs. If you want your dog to be out there looking like Tank Sinatra, you need to get, you need to get rough greens. It supports long term health by providing live bioavailable nutrients including essential vitamins, minerals, probiotics, digestive enzymes and omega oils. Cause it's about the Omega 3s.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nick's got to get his LDLs down and the only way to do that is with omega oils. He's got to start sprinkling some rough greens in his food.

[B]

Traditional dog food is shelf stable for years because it's lifeless. Rough greens brings the nutrient nutrition back packed with live vitamins, minerals, probiotics and all that. It's created by a natriopathic. Naturopathic.

[A]

Naturopathic.

[B]

A naturopathic doctor. Dr. Dennis Black's a 40 year cancer survivor and has been helping humans and their pets for over 20 years. Ruff greens isn't a dog food. It's a live nutritional supplement you just add to your dog's food. You don't have to change your dog's food to improve your dog's health. Just add a scoop of ruffed greens. It's made easy.

[A]

Go to ruff Greens. That's R u f f greens.com put in the promo code hyenas ruff greens.com promo code hyenas and start your jumpstart your trial bag. At Rough Greens.com we are offering a free Jumpstart trial bag. You just got to cover shipping. That's it. Don't change your dog's food. Just said rough greens because you, you thought when I was talking about when it remembered I was telling you about this product and I said it's quo. And you said wasn't that this the. The figure skater that was skating for the Chinese, but she was really American. I said no, that's goo. This is quo.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Quo is the number one rated business phone system on G2 with over 3000 reviews. If your team is still operating like a group chat with commitment issues, that's a problema. Because nothing kills momentum faster than an opportunity slipper through the cracks of your ass. Because everyone assumes someone else was on it. And eventually you look at the chaos and think, let's fucking quote.

[B]

Let's Quo, baby.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's why this episode is brought to you by Quo. The smarter way to run your business. It works wherever you are, right from an app on your phone or computer and lets you keep your existing number and add new numbers or teammates in minutes. Sync your CRM and rely on seamless routing and call flows in your business Scale.

[A]

Yeah, every time. Ever since I've been using Quo, I've noticed not only is my business improved, but I. I just find myself shitting in a hole outside.

[B]

So makes it that's not will happen. Won't happen with everybody. Just as a select, just special skill.

[A]

I. I wind up, I come and I take my shoes and socks off and I just sit on pillows on my floor when I'm using Quo.

[B]

Yeah, it's easy. Calls, text, voicemails, transcripts, and contact details all live in one clean view. Yeah. So make this time. Yeah, make this time with no opportunity and no customer slips away.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Go to quo.com hyenas quo. No missed calls, no missed customers. Use quo. I've been using quo. And then yesterday ate a fucking bat.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

It's what it is. That's the end.

[C]

It's what it is.

[A]

The quo for free. Plus get 20 off your first six months when you go to quo.com hyenas. Make this the time where no opportunity and no customer slips away. Whoa. My name's Bobby Kuo.

[B]

Konichiwa.

[A]

Wait, so you have a suitcase. Are you. Are you on the road? Going on vacation? What are we doing?

[C]

No, I am. I'm going from here to tape the Sherry Sherry or Sherry shepherd show.

[A]

Sherri Shepherd.

[C]

Sherry Sherry or Sherry Sherry? Sherry Sherry Shepherd. So I'm doing her show, and then I go from there to the airport, and I go to Austin, and I'll be in Austin for two days, and I come home Thursday.

[A]

I like that. Quick and easy.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

But this is the. This is really the winding up of the press. I've been doing a lot of press, and I'm really psyched that. I mean, I've. I went to la, came back here, and then they're like, oh, you got to go back. Like three days later, I was back on a plane. LA for another four days. Came back, went to somewhere. Then I went to Atlanta, but that was kind of for family stuff. And then I got back Saturday because I had a show. And then now I'm leaving again.

[B]

That's it. You got.

[C]

That's it. But this is the last, Last kind

[A]

of have you taken in your career, like, any real time off the road where you're like, I haven't been on the road or been on a plane in two years type thing that.

[C]

No, no, I, I'd like to. And when I do,

[B]

you.

[C]

You get to a point, especially touring, you're like, I cannot get on a mother. I cannot get on another plane, go to another regional Airport at 7:20am to catch a flight to another regional airport so I can make a connection so I can get to Houston. And, you know, that is just the worst part of this job.

[B]

We hate it.

[A]

Yeah, we hate it. Yeah. I, I, I, you know, I have small daughters, too, and I was like, I want to stay off the road for a year. I'm going to do it. I'm just going to do the pod. And then it lasted about three months. And I'm like, I have to probably go back on the road just because financially, there's.

[B]

It's the.

[A]

It's the thing that makes the most money for the least amount of time.

[C]

Same here. So, I mean, I'm. That is the last. Man, last. I want to say five movies I've done have been, like, indie, you know, paying very little. I did them because they're fun, or it, you know, was an interesting character or something like that, or. But, like, I gotta go, you know, to make real money. I gotta go on the road.

[A]

Well, yeah, that. That's like, Giannis and I were talking about this on the way, and it's like, sometimes, like, my mom will be like, how come you don't try to try out for more movies, honey? It's like, because I would lose because I have a home and a family and I would lose. I can't go away for three months and do that. I don't. I wouldn't command enough of a salary for the movie. So I have to go on the road or do the podcast. This is where I make the money. Especially when my wife's looking at her house against steal.

[C]

She's welcome to steal from me.

[A]

She will do that.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, she will do.

[A]

She has my.

[C]

When we're done here, I'll give you my address and the alarm code.

[A]

We already know where it is.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

We were able to figure it out from the video. Yeah.

[C]

Okay. And the alarm code.

[A]

We know it. 1776.

[C]

Yep, that's it.

[B]

The special is called the End of the Beginning of the End.

[A]

That's cool.

[B]

Which is out now on YouTube.

[A]

Yeah, you always got fun names. What was the other? The one was like a curse. It was like, what was the other?

[C]

Shut up, you fucking baby.

[A]

Shut up, you fucking baby. Yeah, that was a good one.

[B]

You had bigger and blacker.

[A]

Yeah. Great names.

[B]

Bunch of legendary special.

[A]

So this one's YouTube?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

The last three, I think are YouTube.

[A]

Do you like it like better like this? What do you think of it?

[C]

Yeah, it's not quite as financially lucrative, but you have total control. And I will make my money back eventually and I pay for the production or I'll co produce it. But it's the last kind of big budgeted special and all that was for Netflix and I got paid a nice chunk of money. But they, the also the production was just not necessary. And it doesn't, it's. You don't need a million dollars to shoot a fucking guy on a stage. You don't. You don't need jibs, you don't need cranes, you know. So this last special, last couple actually were at music venues. When and when I started touring, you know, outside of like club circuit and stuff, when I was like headlining, I would go out and I would have a. I'd go out with a band and the band would open for me and we'd play music venues and standing, no sitting, and then the band would play and then no break, I would come out and just do the show. Yeah. And that's what shut up you fucking baby. Was. It was recorded on that first tour that I did and I kept doing it like that and then, then kind of transitioned into theaters. And there's nothing wrong with the theater show at all. They're, they're fun, they're definitely more lucrative. But it's, there's, it's just a different thing when everybody's standing right there. You have a different connection with the audience. It feels more unique each show and there's a little bit more of who knows what's going to happen kind of thing where everybody's right there in front of you standing up. And, and so that, yeah, that's, that's. We did that on, on this, on this tour. It was at the 40 watt in Athens.

[B]

No, as 40 watt.

[A]

I was looking. I thought it said 40 wart.

[C]

No, it's watt.

[B]

40 watt club watt. Now the AIO review content cross tackles modern issues and as he's gotten older, has become more conservative and hails Trump and all of his policies.

[C]

I'm looking at this thing going where,

[B]

where Is that Iran war was a good idea to contain Islam. Radical Islam is a real problem. Immigration, we have to.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're here at the border. Pam Bondi's not all. Not all bad, Mostly good.

[A]

Well, my group chat's like, yo, I fucking like David Cross. He's going, listen to this guy.

[B]

This is like a new direction for you here.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. You know, ever since I had a kid, you know, I've changed. My eyes have been opened. And, you know, I want her to grow up in the way I did in the. In the. In, like, urban. I mean, sorry, suburban, rural Georgia. And. And I want her to be suspicious of people that don't look like her. I want her to have a terrible education, like Georgia public schools back in the 70s, you know, and. And not know things. I want her to be. I want her to have an incomplete idea of civics.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

How that works. And I want her to be spiteful and. And, you know, I just think it's a good way to live. It's smart and that. So we're. Yeah, we're moving.

[B]

You don't have a lot of anxiety that way, which is good.

[C]

Yeah. And everything is. You're just happy all the time. Like when I. When I meet people like that, they're just happy.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Which isn't bad.

[A]

No, that's not it. It's good.

[C]

They're so happy.

[A]

Ignorant bliss.

[B]

Yeah, but that's what you say. You said the Georgia public school system is horrible, which proves that privatizing education is the way to go.

[C]

Yes. I can't wait. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm a big, you know. Coupon. Charter school coupon.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And take money from the public school and give it to people who are. Feel similarly as I do, that they want their children to be scared and. And. And not just suspicious of people. Like, you know, what do they make. And to make generalizations.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, you see, it's.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's funny because you grow up different. Like, we all grew up in New York City, and being suspicious of people is just kind of what you had to.

[A]

Right. Do you want your kids to be suspicious?

[B]

I want my kids to be.

[A]

Walk up to someone and say, hey, why do you have a towel on your head, lady?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. Something like that.

[B]

Something like that. Did you just get out of the shower?

[A]

What's going on?

[B]

Yeah. Is this a commercial?

[A]

Hey, why do you have a Frisbee on your head, sir?

[B]

What's going on?

[A]

That's not what my mom and dad look like.

[B]

Yeah. Why does it smell weird in here?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Why does it smell weird?

[C]

Weird.

[A]

That's the best weird. Not bad.

[C]

Or goes weird.

[B]

Yeah, like growing up as a Jewish person in suburban, rural Georgia.

[A]

Not like downtown Atlanta.

[B]

Well, there. It's not rural. It's rural.

[A]

Rural.

[B]

Rural.

[C]

Well, you know, I. There was.

[B]

They didn't even know you were Jewish, probably, right. You wore a hat. Hide the horns.

[A]

Oh, they knew.

[B]

Oh, they knew.

[C]

They. Because their parents told them, right? Their parents.

[B]

There's a Jew down there.

[C]

Yeah, Yeah. I had one guy, and there was just. I'll get back to that in a second. But a very low level. Like, I never got majorly harassed, but it was like a consistent. Outside of a handful of things, and I mean, literally, like four or five. It was just, you know, you were made to know that you were different. And it was mostly kids, by far, citing their parents, you know, and. And not. Again, not like, outside of a handful of things. Not really, like, hateful, awful. But, like, I never got beat up for, you know. Oh, I got hit. All right. I'll tell that in a second. But. And there was one guy, was just like a delinquent. It would. If I wasn't Jewish, he still would have found something else. But he threw pennies at me, you know, like, he did pennies at me and my sister.

[A]

It's awful, but I mean, it is.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Relative.

[B]

I apologize.

[C]

Dude. I make 27 cents.

[A]

Yeah, you invest that. And that was in the 70s. That's. That's thousands of dollars.

[C]

I bought gold. I bought Nazi gold.

[A]

That's what it is.

[C]

And. But it was just this kind of low level, you know, you're weird or. But. And. And things. Like. I've done bits about it, like. Like so many.

[B]

I just have a picture of throwing pennies and him just being able to.

[A]

Yeah, they're like, whoa.

[B]

They're really good with that money, man.

[C]

Yeah, that's what I get for throwing pennies. Throwing money at a Jew.

[A]

Yeah. Of course.

[C]

They must teach them that. Jew school. Hey, man, y'. All. So what. Y'.

[B]

All.

[C]

Y' all go to Jew school or what? What do y' all call. What do you. What do y' all call Yalls? Churches? Like, Jew school.

[A]

That's another working title. Jew school.

[C]

With David Cross, there was. I mean, I did a, like, old bit, but the. I had so many friends, and again, most. The kids were fine, you know, for the most part, it was just the parents that were fucked up. And then I had, like. If I ever, like, slept over at a friend's or would be there for dinner. You'd get these crazy like just trying to be nice, but I'm so sorry. Do yalls people eat oatmeal? Cause we, we eat oatmeal. That's like an old bit.

[B]

Yeah, I was about to say. Yeah, I remember y'.

[C]

All.

[A]

But it was eat oatmeal.

[C]

But it was that yeah like thing again. Not there. There were, you know, there was, it was, it was more like you're an outsider, you're different, you're not one of us. Then like really mean spirited things because

[A]

you know you're, you know, you know that I tell you you're my bestie but I also want to tell you you're my Pesty.

[B]

Oh, what are we talking about today?

[A]

Pesty. When look, here's the thing with Pesty. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bugs are coming out of nowhere. Bu there's bugs everywhere in certain neighborhoods in Brooklyn that weren't there before. There's bugs everywhere now you've got bugs. You've got so many bugs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In Bensonhurst and you got bugs everywhere. David Cross voted for a bug. So the only thing I don't like

[B]

bugs with no papers.

[A]

The only thing that to neutralize bugs is a little thing called Pesty. It gets rid of over 100 types of bugs from spiders and ants to roaches. Corpus. Just think of it. It's like ice for bugs.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Pesty. And it's kid and pet friendly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The pesticides they ship are fully registered and have been used in hospitals and schools all over the country. Pesty offers a 100% bug free guarantee or your money back if the bugs don't go away. There's bugs are everywhere. Yeah.

[B]

Get bugs out of your house with pesty. Go to pesky.com hyenas for an extra 10 off your order. That's P-E-S-T-I-E.com hyenas for an Extra 10% off

[C]

Mountain View equipment.

[B]

Mountain View equipment. Mountain View equipment.

[C]

But I did have one guy. There's a guy named Stan Short and his nickname was Moose because he was a big blonde guy like in the Archie comics Moose. And he told this would have been fourth, fifth grade maybe. He said, hey, my dad said I should either beat you up or hit you or something and tell you you're a dirty Jew. Hart was not in it, clearly.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

And he's just telling me this and mean. It's that kind of thing in school. You're like, you spend the rest of the day like in Terror of what's going to happen. Right. And everybody in school knows about it.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And it was. It was one of the worst days I've ever had. And then he, you know, whatever, 2:30 came around and he just went up and he hit me in the side of the arm and kind of hard, but not too hard. And that was that. And it was such a weird. Like he. His dad compelled him to do it. He had to do it. I could tell he wasn't. Like, he didn't. We weren't friends or not friends. We were just sort of in, you know, amongst a couple hundred kids. And it was always something that stuck with me, especially because of the fear I had and the. The idea like, I'm gonna get beat up in front of all these people just because I'm Jewish.

[B]

Right.

[C]

And. And also by then I was starting to become an atheist without really articulating it or knowing that it was just all. I was already starting to question everything. And then when I was, I want to say 17, I was working at the Tower Place, six theaters in Buckhead and tearing tickets and, you know, ushering or whatever.

[B]

White Atlanta now.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, very. Well, no, it actually Buckhead had a whole section, like a French Quarter type section with a bunch of clubs that were open to 4 in the morning. And then when the. And it was very mixed, right. I mean, you had like black nightclubs, white nightclubs, but it was all mixed. Right. And the section and that during the super bowl that they hosted when Ray Lewis from the Ravens shot the guy and French shot him, his friend shot him, but he was with him. Yeah. So. So they say that was all they needed because they fucking much like the soho neighborhood. They hated all this stuff and it was a huge source of revenue. And Buckhead, you know, had some old fancy, you know, moneyed families there. And it just kind of grew and grew and grew as this entertainment district, whatever. And so then that's when they rescinded the 4am drinking rule law and. And all that stuff. But so I was at. I was working at that theater in the. And then I. We had a little box. So there's the ticket booth. And then glass doors. Glass windows and doors are open and people, you can see them line up, get their ticket and then walk through the glass doors. To me, I'm like, you know, seven feet there with a little ticket box and tearing tickets, going, theater number two, theater number one, whatever. And I see Stan short in line. I recognize him like that. Had not seen him for blowout, like, kind of Hillbilly. He looked all right. Looked, you know, similar, but older. And I got nervous and I got like. Like, I didn't expect him to beat me up or anything, but I was just like, I. Just. A flood of memories and bad feelings. Physical, mental, like. And then I think he was coming to see Porky's. And then as he's coming in and I can't go anywhere, it's not, like, cover for me, you know, there's no. And I. He walks up and he's. He recognized me. Big smile. He's like, hey, David Cross. How are you? Good, man. How are you? Yeah, good. Everything's good. Da, da, da. Talk for 25 seconds and he goes in, sees the film. I just remembered it so vividly. Like, oh, shit, my arch nemesis is here.

[A]

Wait, so your real name is David Cross? I thought it was a stage name.

[C]

What?

[A]

Like, I thought your name was.

[B]

You were expecting, like, a steam burn?

[A]

Yeah. No, not necessarily that, but I didn't think your real last name was Cross because David Cross is such a perfect Christian name. Well, that. But it's also a perfect stage, like comedy. Like, David Cross, boom. It works. But I didn't think that was your. Like, My name's Chris DiStefano. I should have changed it to something. It's. People are like, what's your last name? Or they'll be like, chris Destalopolo. But David Cross, that's.

[C]

So that's an easier name. Desdelopolo.

[A]

No, I'm just saying that would be funny if that's what I changed my stage name to.

[B]

You ever thought about trying to be Greek for a little while?

[A]

Chris Destalopoulos? Yeah. Yeah. But I didn't think that your name was David Cross. Like, is Chris Rock's name really? Chris Rock that his real name? Yeah. So some people are just destined for it because David Cross, Chris Rock. These are like, yeah.

[B]

Giannis Pap. Is. Yeah.

[A]

That doesn't sound like you should have be doing this.

[C]

No, I. I think you both have great names for the stage. Both of them?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. I would also mix them up once in a while.

[A]

Giannis and Stephano. Chris Papus.

[C]

Yeah. No, I would never. I would not ever think to change my name, but I'm.

[A]

Well, it's perfect name.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

It's an English name. It's. My family is. You know, goes way, way back.

[B]

Dad's from Leeds.

[C]

Huh. My whole. I learned. I got dual citizenship with the uk, and I learned through that process that my family lineage goes way back in Leeds. I did. I just assumed that, oh, you know, Jews in Europe and they escaped the pogroms or something. I guess this would been. Have been Pete. Anyway, like, I thought it was more recent, but it goes way back. Goes way back.

[A]

So there's some chance, there's a good chance that your family did some wild stuff, like old school British. You know what I mean? Like somebody.

[B]

No, it just. It didn't treat Indians that great.

[A]

No way. Yeah, because the British Empire back then, they did it with class. With class.

[C]

With their pinky, pinky and dressed very nice red coats.

[B]

Now, did you get your dual citizenship just in case Trump got reelected? You could go live on Ellen's compound with her.

[C]

I, you know, I would reach out to Ellen and I would do a TikTok where I danced and.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

You know, and do what is she into horses.

[B]

Right, she's into horses, baby blood, things like that. For her skin, she's into. Yeah, yeah, Ellen, Ellen. She's into being rude to her staff now.

[A]

That's what they say.

[C]

Explain the baby blood and the skin thing. How does that work?

[B]

It started from a rumor that.

[C]

Wait, you're being serious?

[B]

Yeah, no, I'll tell you how it happened.

[A]

We could talk about it.

[B]

Sandra Bullock went on her show. I love this stuff. I love how people, you know, humans make read patterns and we're not very good at it.

[C]

Right, right.

[B]

So they. Sandra Bullock went on her show and was talking about how she gets the skin treatment and that they're like. And Ellen's like, where does it come from? She's like, it comes from other young people that we don't know about. So they apparently maybe.

[C]

Wait, what?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

What does that mean?

[B]

Like, they take collagen from young people or something, like inject it in adrenochrome.

[C]

Oh, my God. I'm looking at the screen here.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I thought you were kidding.

[A]

No, this is real.

[B]

No. And. And then. So they just made that connection. There it is. The where's the penis facial video. That's the one. So 2018 interview with Sandra Bullock. The clip discusses a penis facial that uses cells derived from newborn foreskin. That was a joke that Ellen made.

[A]

And allegedly.

[B]

No, she did make the joke. So she did say that. So Sandra Bullock was like, trying to explain where it comes from. And she goes like, it comes from young people we don't know about. And then Ellen just interjected and said that. So she did make that joke on morning tv. She said, from newborn foreskin.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And so while the skin treatment is

[C]

real, they'll come and then of course, people. Yeah, of course people win.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it goes from there. But what I think people do have nailed is that celebrities in Hollywood is a little weird. I think they've nailed that.

[C]

That. That celebrity. Just a weird kind of celebrity itself.

[B]

Well, yeah. And the community and the culture in Hollywood is kind of isolated and sort of.

[C]

Oh, it's extremely.

[B]

Yeah. And they're kind of out of touch and like it's a weird place. And I think a Harvey Weinstein stuff and things like that start to come out and people start to realize like this place is. It's a little hypocritical. It's a little, you know, like they're. It's not a real place.

[C]

Well, it is a real place, unfortunately. But you know what I mean, I think that. I mean, I've witnessed it and I've been. Tell us about it.

[B]

What's going on on the inside?

[C]

Me and Cat Williams. Yeah.

[B]

Now, he's not one of the not funny ones Joe Rogan has on. That's the worst Cat Williams impression I've ever done. You do a good black guy, but you have to hold your throat when you do it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You ever see him do a black guy?

[A]

No.

[B]

Have you ever caught any heat for that?

[C]

No, no.

[A]

Yeah, because he's just good.

[C]

I learned it from a guy in college at Emerson College who taught me. And his name is Michael. Mike Drazen. Michael Drazen.

[B]

Someone taught you how to do black?

[C]

He did it and I was like, what are you doing? And he showed me.

[A]

Can you show.

[B]

It's so good.

[C]

So, you know, you could talk like this. And now I'm not applying any pressure to my lamp, but now I am. So it behooves you to propate the seminarian. Just a guy and I. Yeah. Go up and I'll read stuff and I just do interviews where you kind of make up up words that sound like they're.

[B]

Now, I heard you were doing a two man show with that character and your Chinese character is. That's what I heard.

[C]

Refresh my memory about my Chinese character.

[B]

Your Chinese character was one where you do like a voice and it's. Some people love it, some people hate it. That's what I've heard.

[C]

What was the name of the Chinese character?

[B]

I think the Chinese character was called the silverware fell on the floor noise.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, I've heard that joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Just it's loose and you open the draw.

[C]

Yeah. And the draw.

[B]

Oh, I'm from New York. Yeah. What do you call a drawer.

[A]

No, you call it a drawer?

[B]

I don't even know.

[A]

How do you say room?

[B]

How do you say room? Room. Room.

[A]

Okay, good. Some people say room.

[C]

Oh, how. Here's what I. Somebody told me who's from the south. Who said he could tell I was from the south because I don't have much of an accident.

[A]

Zero.

[C]

Yeah. And how do you say the word e? G.G.

[A]

egg.

[B]

Egg.

[C]

Yeah, it's egg. Yeah. And Southern people always say egg. Like, hey, can I. Can I have. You want some eggs?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And that was something I never knew about.

[B]

I never knew that either.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Eggs.

[B]

I cannot pronounce that other r in drawer either. Drawer. Drawer.

[A]

Draw.

[B]

Draw.

[C]

Drawer.

[B]

Draw.

[A]

Drawer.

[B]

I said, you vote for Mondami or what? Are you worried about a wealth tax? What are you talking about? Property tax?

[C]

I am not registered in the city. I'm registered upstate. And I would have voted for Imam Donnie. I raised money for him. I believe in his platform. I'm not scared. I don't buy into that. You know, it's going to be a hellhole. There was a guy who's the. They're all clowns, but the guy on Newsmax who's kind of ultra serious, got dark hair. He's probably in his late 50s. He's like one of the main guys.

[A]

Cuomo.

[C]

No, no, no.

[A]

Isn't Chris Cuomo on Newsmax?

[B]

Yeah, he is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I thought.

[C]

Go to.

[B]

No, he's not a Newsmax.

[A]

Greg Kelly.

[C]

Go to Greg Kelly.

[B]

Cuomo's on News Nation.

[A]

My bad.

[B]

Newsmax is like, maybe that's what I'm thinking.

[C]

No, News Nation is a similar thing, right?

[B]

No, but that's him.

[A]

Okay. Greg Kelly.

[C]

So Greg Kelly was. When I was watching Newsmax for the election results, because it's. I mean, it's not fun to watch.

[A]

Right?

[C]

CNN or msnbc, like, I get it, whatever. But you got to watch these guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Freaking out. And he. He was just shaking his head, and he. And the. Whoever the woman was, and they were just. As the returns are coming in, just, what have you done? What have you done? And at one point, he goes. He goes. And he wants to make the buses free. How's that going to work? I mean, do you understand? Who's going to ride the bus when the bus is free? And he taught. Then he said, you know, my wife and I take the bus all the time. Not anymore. And I'm like, you never once. You lying piece of. You never took any bus in New York. You. We're not going to take the bus anymore.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, we're done with the bus.

[B]

Bus is a certain level of. It's a socioeconomic status that you can call bus level.

[C]

Yes. And also, just as a side note, free buses have worked. There are other cities that have. Kansas City has free buses, and it's worked.

[B]

Finland's got free. Well, they have, like, an honor system with the train. Yeah, they have an honor system. So you're supposed to like. Like, buy a ticket.

[C]

But they're also subsidized more than our transportation system.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

And it's better. I mean, I remember, you know, when I. When I do go out on tour, I spend roughly a month and change in Europe going around and. And I, I did it right this time. In fact, I, I didn't. I didn't like, rush around. I gave myself two days, including, you know, travel. But it's. It's easy to get from place to place, and I would get there before the show, the day before the show. So I did it kind of right. And then I carved out a week around my London show, and my wife and daughter came out and, yeah, it was great. She loved it. And. And I'm going, you know, I'm doing shows in Copenhagen and Oslo and Cologne and, you know, various places.

[B]

And I'm.

[C]

I'm sitting there going, what. What the fuck am I doing in America? Like, I mean, everything just works.

[A]

You go.

[C]

You go. Like, everything. Like, there's. You don't. You're not scared of crime and you're not. There's. You can walk around at night and especially women, you know, and it's like, you know, and just everything kind of works. And the transportation, the.

[B]

The.

[C]

The trains to the, like, the Stockholm train from Sweden into the airport goes like 200 miles an hour. It's really nice.

[B]

I've taken it.

[C]

It's free. You just go and you bring your luggage and it's just like, wow, this is what a better way to. People are swimming in. In Oslo, they have these little, like, sauna, like tiny little boats that have saunas on them. And people, they kind of dock by the side and you go. They'll get in the sauna box. And then the boat, you know, you know, goes out like 100 yards and you just go swimming. You plunge into the, like. Can you imagine the East River?

[B]

Sometimes they don't come out. Sometimes that's how they. They end it.

[C]

That's how they get you.

[B]

Yeah, they love to kill themselves up there. That's the only. Do they really yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You told me that.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

They love.

[A]

Love to kill in Oslo.

[B]

It just.

[A]

I mean, Norwegian, there's a crack story.

[C]

Where's the term? They always have a term for every Schweidnugan.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I don't know what they're.

[C]

Sounds right.

[A]

Forfeit. Nugent.

[B]

No, the Scandinavians have. They have forspiel, which is like they go drink themselves to death before they go out.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

You ever see how hammered they get? They're like gremlins. You pour. Like, they're nice and cuddly during the day. Like, hi, how are you?

[C]

I kind of actually did the very first time I was in Stockholm is going way back. I. They're very reserved. They're nice, but they're reserved. Right.

[B]

Cognitive.

[C]

And then I went to this bar that was kind of, you know, underground, and it kind of came like stone cavy, whatever, but like an old standard bar. Nothing theme thematic about it. And in the course of the night, people. It's like in. In Britain, they start drunk. They start that loud. They start like that. And then in Sweden, they get like that. So, yes, I have noticed that they're like gremlins. And they. You pour a little liquor off singing and.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yell and grabbing you to help sing. Yeah, sing with them.

[B]

They always sing Swedish nationalist songs or. Yeah, they're. And then they have this thing in the culture that Scandinavians, it's called the Yanti Loven, which is the law of yanti, which is their cultural thing, that you're not better than anyone. Don't try to stand out. Just be one of the people. You're not cool. Don't try to achieve anything.

[C]

Right.

[B]

And a lot of.

[C]

Try to achieve anything.

[B]

Yeah. They, like, don't make a wait.

[C]

What do you mean? Don't try to achieve.

[B]

Yeah, like, don't be better.

[C]

Put that cure for cancer away, my friend.

[B]

You don't want to.

[C]

You're not. You're not any better than.

[B]

Not any better than anyone else.

[A]

I just learned a fun fact. The Vikings, right, Their whole, like the first 200 years of their economy was mostly propped up by them pillaging towns, getting the, you know, enslaving white women and then selling them to the Islam.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To the Muslim rulers. And that. That was a big. That was like the currency.

[B]

Oh, shoot.

[A]

So the Vikings didn't care, but they. They were just like, this is all the money. You know, the Muslim guys specifically wanted the white women from.

[C]

And where would they go? Like, how far down would they have to travel? To sell the women to the Muslim.

[A]

I think the Muslims come right up.

[B]

Horn of Africa.

[A]

The Muslim guys would. The Islam would come right up.

[B]

Oh, they'd come right up.

[A]

They'd come right up. And they'd buy them right up.

[B]

Yeah, right there.

[A]

Come there. Right up. Yeah, they'd come right up on those free buses, baby. They'd buy them.

[C]

That's the thing. The freight were back. Greg Kelly was right.

[A]

That's what it is. I thought he's gonna buy the white women. All right, mister. No, but that is true.

[B]

That is. That is during a time in history. That was.

[C]

That's true.

[A]

That was true.

[B]

Mercenaries too.

[C]

I. I learned a lot about history today.

[A]

What it was, about how it started. You know what I mean?

[B]

I got one question for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I want to know about history. Whatever happened to Ronnie Run, Run, Ronnie Run?

[C]

I mean, it never came out. It just was on. It was a package. So it was going to be. It was going to come out in April. There was a date in April. And then they moved it and put in. For real. Jason versus Freddy. They thought they'd have a better shot with that. And they. Did they replace it with Jason versus Freddy?

[B]

Did they do he went to Space yet? He did go to space.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, like they just. The last meeting, they were like, dude, what are we. Let's throw him in space.

[C]

Yeah, it goes like at a time. Machine goes to the old West.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

The Egyptian pyramids.

[A]

Yeah. Jason X. Look. Jason X. Jason in space.

[B]

They really did it.

[A]

Yeah. Swear to God.

[B]

To space.

[A]

No way.

[B]

They milked it.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

Wow. End up in space.

[A]

Because they did like a.

[C]

Brought his mask.

[B]

Yeah, they did like a.

[A]

What's the plot? How did he end up in space?

[C]

Oh, my Go.

[A]

Here, here. I thought you didn't see it, Nick. It happened in 2001. Oh, a lot of weird stuff.

[B]

They've done like 20 of them. Right. So at some point they're like. The only thing left we can do

[A]

is throw 20 of rotten tomatoes. That's good. Not bad. Better than expected. I am. Download it for the plane.

[C]

Yeah, he's. And he's got his. He's got like a version of his hockey.

[B]

Yeah, he's got like a. He's got like a.

[C]

This. I gotta watch this.

[A]

Yeah, let's watch. Hit the trailer real quick. Yeah, let's go. Jason. Jason X. Oh, we got the volume.

[B]

In the year 2455 on a routine

[A]

training

[B]

team of students is about to discover a life form frozen in time.

[A]

They're on their Way back. Prepare for Donkey and power of the lab. You brought him on board? Everything's under control, man.

[B]

Oh, my God. Jason Vorhes. That's what's going on.

[C]

He's an unstoppable killing machine.

[A]

Guys, it's okay. He just wanted his machete back.

[C]

How do we get off the ship?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

It's like a sketch.

[C]

What are you high? Oh,

[B]

he's here on the spaceship.

[C]

Mike, I guarantee you one of these.

[B]

All right, Jesse.

[C]

My mother went to camp.

[A]

Yeah, what was it called?

[C]

Camp.

[A]

Oh, Crystal Lake.

[C]

My mother went to Camp Crystal Lake and survived. He's an unstoppable killing machine with a modernized hockey mask.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

How did he become an unstoppable killing machine? He was just a dude who was mentally unstable, who killed all these easy to kill kids, dumb, naked teenagers. And now he's an unstoppable killing child.

[A]

And I love the dialogue. The writers just gave up. They're like, how do we convey fear from them, Cass? Oh,

[B]

it's what you call jumping the shark. Yeah.

[A]

Jumping X, baby. Watch it. And then watch David Cross's new special on YouTube, the End of the Beginning of the End. Out right now, baby.

[B]

Yeah. Go check it out. Thank you, David. For.

[A]

Thank you, Mr. Cross.

[C]

Yeah. Thank you, man.

[A]

Appreciate it.

[C]

Pleasure. Yeah, I learned a lot.

[B]

Me, too.

[A]

As did we.

[B]

Yeah, as did we.

[A]

And we have a lot of reflecting to do, guys. Of course, at the end of every episode, we go to patreon.com history hyenas and we read off the newest members of the matriarchy. Only way to get involved is to join. That's. We have a lot of free bonus content over there. I'm sorry, paid for bonus content. Some of the funniest parts of the show right there. And we picked the winner from last week's Patreon. We had to put it to vote. And the winner is. I'm a Leroy, so I went to Jonestown. For the free Kool Aid. For the free Kool Aid. You are the winner. The fans voted, so congratulations to you.

[B]

It's just. Yeah. I mean, you know, we didn't pick it. They picked. They picked it. And let me say, the other one got a lot of votes, too. But when we get into that situation, we're turning to the people.

[A]

Kool Aid 1. Now, it was only two pages today. Yeah. Okay. All right. Are we catching up? Is that what it is? We're about two weeks behind.

[B]

I could print out. We have three pages, but I just

[A]

need to print them. Print Them? No. Well, let's see, let's see. We could get this. Okay, here we go. All right. Welcome to the matriarchy.

[B]

Boo.

[A]

Duke 23. Then we got Penny pinching Hook Nosed Back Hair monkey who started to get offended by the use of anti Semitic tropes and patriot names. Okay.

[B]

Okay, good.

[A]

You know what? Good note. Yeah, we understand that. Yeah. Can't stop laughing. Imagining Chrissy D. Dpt Giving Yani P. Soft tissue massage in his fume garage.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. Almost. You know, it was just a little fume garage. Very funny.

[A]

Like fume garage by itself.

[C]

Like.

[B]

But one more time.

[A]

Can't stop imagining Chrissy D. Dpt Giving Yanni P. Soft tissue massage in his fume garage.

[B]

It's pretty good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I've never thought about calling someone's ass a fume garage.

[A]

Yeah. If we just had fume garage. You're on the list.

[B]

Yeah. And here we go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Welcome to the lexicon. Because guess what? Fume garage. Is that good?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you. Have you ever heard of fume garage?

[A]

No. I mean, calling the. You know, getting the chimney swept is getting your ass eaten. And. And getting the tongue in the fume

[B]

garage is also getting your ass in a fume garage.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you didn't win, but you did something better almost. When you make it into the lexicon,

[A]

you've contributed to Lexicon or cleaning out my fume garage.

[B]

Yeah, you clean up my fume garage. Or you know how. You know how clean is your fume garage? Yeah.

[A]

All right, so then we got Renee Larouche. Then we got the Da Vinci Chode. Then we got. I always thought Nicaragua meant black water.

[B]

Okay, Nicaragua.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Way Song Xian.

[A]

Then we got Asia. Then we got Yanni One Eye. Kalana Pin Pre Cry feet make glue fly. Okay, good rhyme scheme.

[B]

Yanni One Eye would have been a good chicken finger.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

Yeah. I'll give you an honorary chicken finger. Called me Yanni One Eye.

[A]

Then we got Mark Eric Estrella. Then we got. I got Probed by an alien. His name was Jose Decent.

[B]

Drexler. Drexler.

[A]

Then we got Dylan, Mr. AZT. Then we got Leaky Roof. And now my Siberian husky is leaking glue. Okay, okay. Ivan Canales. Frisbee broad with braces, Suck my sticky snot rocket. Call her the Iron Dome.

[B]

Yeah, really good.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know, she's got braces. Getting head.

[A]

She's a Jewish girl. Yeah, not bad.

[B]

What do we do with that? Drexler.

[A]

I mean, Drexel Wordy.

[C]

Almost.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Very good, though.

[A]

Chelsea Berman. Dakota Simpson. Olivia Davis Gringo Salsa monkey with a pequeno piece.

[B]

It's got a pequeno piece.

[A]

What happens? The pecano piece is funny. Chad Bronchial Brown and Stinky Leroy in my pinky. Wesley McMurray. Mike Mattel, Ash Lee Ansels, Nick Geralyn, Frank. Just suck me off, babe. Uncle Russie's favorite cousin. You're in Maga Country Jussie. Okay. Charles Bush. Call me Aladdin. The way I take Jasmine's magic carpet. Right.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Disparage the family. Yeah.

[B]

Yep. You're gay.

[A]

Yeah. Marky Mark, Alexander Vil. Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods.

[B]

On Jesus Christ.

[A]

Yeah. Walked in. What?

[B]

Did you catch it? You still. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's not good. It's not good, Dave. Then we got. Swallowed so much Frisbee glue. The true Jewish turtleneck. I don't get it.

[B]

Don't get it. Kevin Luca up to here.

[A]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Johnny's nose trying to part his eyes like Moses did the Red Sea. Yeah, we've had that.

[B]

It's almost you, you know.

[A]

Hey, Sergio, why don't you come find Chrissy the Peptilian? A new habit, like, because of Peptides.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Chrissy the Peptilian would have been nice because he was.

[A]

He was a queer. It's what it is. Derick Lewis wanted huevos trans churros for breakfast, so my girl glued down my throat.

[B]

Wait, say it again.

[A]

Wanted huevos trans churros for breakfast, so my girl glued down my throat.

[B]

Put him on the list. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Here we go.

[B]

That's a goodie.

[A]

Huevos trans cheros.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then we got. Had to hop in the shower because I wiped too early.

[B]

Put him on the list.

[A]

There it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We're heating up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yep. It just. It's happened to all of us before.

[B]

It's something that happens.

[A]

Yeah. Walked into Giannis's house thinking it was Balkan bathhouse and railed his Greek mom with my Shavapi piece. Okay.

[B]

Ladder 14.

[A]

Kato, white Vito and Tozi, Mr. Misty Vlogs. Then we got Kanye said it best.

[B]

Ladder 14.

[A]

What do we do?

[B]

It's funny as hell. Yeah. It's too much.

[C]

I like it.

[A]

You like it on the list? Kanye said it best. What do you think? On the list?

[B]

What do you think?

[A]

I mean, I think it's fine. It could be. Why not?

[B]

Jesse got outvoted.

[A]

Then we got little Gay. So I call my girls clit a beanus. Like a penis, but a penis. I like it. Then we got Chrissy D's GLPs to reduce his A1C and save Jazzy's H1B.

[B]

Very good, very good, very good. I'm going to put that on. Is that okay?

[A]

Yeah, sure. Why?

[B]

I'm going to put that on the list. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to put that on the list.

[A]

Then we got Ryan G. Chuff. Benjamin Aguilar. Trump's penis pump.

[B]

Chicken figure.

[A]

Chicken figure. Then we got Jake Me off. Then we got Take me off.

[B]

Chicken. Yeah, Chicken finger.

[A]

Then we got Peter Pappas. Packed my pickled pepper.

[B]

Put him on the list. Okay, but it's disparaging the family. Yeah, but I mean, fuck, I already did it. I can't go back.

[A]

Peter Poppas packed my pickled pepper.

[B]

Yeah. It's really good. And guess what? We don't. We don't have challenges on this. So I can't go back and we can't look at the tape.

[A]

Look at the tape.

[B]

Made the call. He's on the list.

[A]

Then we got James McHawk.

[B]

We can't review it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Kevin Macklin. Andrew Oda K. Then we got phones buried in my ass, but still listening to a full episode of History.

[B]

Put him on the fucking list.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Take out the catapult. And I think we.

[A]

We got a Giannis contender phone buried in the ass is funny.

[B]

Still listening to the full episode.

[C]

Yeah,

[B]

the creativity.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Then we got. Wanna do Mr. Panos Olive Oil Company Underscore Yanni, Email me underscore at perch perch. No jewelry comcast.net/ will pay royalty per sale. Kid screwed it.

[B]

Screwed it. Screwed it.

[A]

Yeah, go ahead. So Yanni will email him.

[B]

It's not good. I'm not doing anything.

[A]

I think now you're walking by. Oh.

[B]

Oh, no. It's a machine.

[A]

Yeah. Then we got Rani Van der Stahl. And last but not least, knowledgeable Frisbee. AKA the Cludin Juden.

[B]

Cludin.

[A]

Uden. Cluden Juden. Yeah, the Clueden Juden. Like, because he's knowledgeable Frisbee. Knowledgeable Frisbee. AKA the Clued in Juden. Yeah, you know, Jew in German, but

[B]

I think in German it'd be Yudin.

[A]

Yudin.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I thought it was Juden clued in Uden.

[B]

Okay, well, it rhymes, but, you know, I'll give you a chicken.

[A]

Listen, we got seven on the list in one page.

[B]

Really? Okay, so there was some ones that if there was a little editing.

[A]

Right, here we go. All right, so the list right now. Wanted huevos trans cheros for breakfast. So my girl Glued down my throat.

[B]

We're gonna keep that around.

[A]

Keep that on the list.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Then we got. Had to hop in the shower because I wiped too early.

[B]

We're gonna enjoy that. And we're gonna chicken finger.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's a strong chicken. But Jesse, that's his favorite.

[A]

Yeah, Jesse liked that one. Okay.

[B]

Am I doing something wrong by getting rid of it?

[A]

It's not gonna win, right?

[B]

It's my favorite.

[A]

Nick, you know what? If Jesse. Let's keep it around.

[B]

Keep it around for a second.

[A]

Then we got Kanye said it best.

[B]

We're going to chicken finger that. Okay, we're going to walk into one now.

[A]

Then we got Chrissy D's GLPs to reduce his A1C and save Jazzy's H1B.

[B]

We're going to. We're going to disparage your family.

[A]

Yeah. Fortunately. So then, same with Peter. Pop has packed my pickled pepper.

[B]

Good one.

[A]

But we got it disparaging.

[B]

We're going to walk the other ones. They're very good. Notable.

[A]

Then we got phones buried in my ass, but still listening to a full episode of History Hyenas.

[B]

We are keeping that around.

[A]

That's what it is. Okay, so the list. The contenders are.

[B]

This is a good crew to hang out with.

[A]

Good one. We got wanted huevos trans cheros for breakfast. So my girl glued down my throat. Had to hop in the shower because I wiped too early. Or phoned buried in my ass, but still listening to a full episode of History Hyenas.

[B]

Okay, Jesse, I agree with you. We should have kept that around. Yeah, that's really good.

[A]

Something different. Different speeds.

[B]

Very simple. That one's very simple. Funny. The most creative one is stuffing in his ass and still listening to a full. Didn't stop him from listening to a full episode of History inside his ass.

[A]

Yeah, that's very funny.

[B]

Very funny.

[A]

And then the other one is wanted huevos trans cheros for breakfast. So my girl glued down my throat.

[B]

That one is exceptional.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Instead of revos, what do they call him? Huevos rancheros. He had trans cheros and he. That's what he wanted. And he had eggs, and so he wanted trans nuts.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So his girl came in his throat.

[C]

Right.

[A]

His had a penis now. Yeah.

[B]

I don't know what to do here. Well, I would. I would.

[A]

You like phones buried in your ass?

[B]

I would. Drex. I would. Jesse's favorite is the one I would Drexler. It's a little too simple compared to those two. Right?

[A]

Fair enough. Yeah, I see that. All right. So. So it's really between wanted huevos, trans churros for breakfast. So my girl go down my throat or phones buried in my ass, but still listening to a full episode of History Hyenas.

[B]

That's where we're at. That's where we're at. And to me, that's a.

[A]

What do you like?

[B]

I like foam buried in my ass.

[A]

Phone buried in your ass. Phone buried in your ass. Jesse, what do you like?

[B]

Yeah, it's good for business.

[A]

So you know what? That's the winner. Go to History Hyenas is back dot com. You are the ppw. The pseudo penis of the week. Phones buried in my ass, but still listening to a full episode of History Hyenas. Congratulations. Patreon episode right now.

[B]

Which is, by the way, a great way to listen.

[A]

Yeah. Your next chapter in healthcare starts at Carrington College's School of Nursing in Portland. Join us for our open house on Tuesday, January 13th from 4 to 7pm

[C]

you'll tour our campus, see live demos, meet instructors, and learn about our associate

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Edu Sci.