Matt Rife is for The Table

Summary

Podcast Summary: History Hyenas with Chris DiStefano and Yannis Pappas – Episode: "Matt Rife is for The Table"

Release Date: December 5, 2024
Hosts: Chris DiStefano and Yannis Pappas
Guest: Matt Rife

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Episode Overview

In this lively episode of History Hyenas, hosts Chris DiStefano and Yannis Pappas welcome comedian Matt Rife as their first-ever guest. The trio dives into a mix of historical anecdotes, contemporary societal issues, and their trademark humor. Key discussions include the role of eunuchs in ancient civilizations, the pervasive impact of social media on mental health, personal experiences with faith and baptism, and an interactive segment where they evaluate humorous listener-submitted names, awarding the coveted "Pseudo Penis of the Week" (PPW).

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1. Introduction of Guest and Initial Banter [02:26 – 04:00]

Chris and Yannis kick off the episode by introducing Matt Rife, praising his charm and good looks in their characteristic humorous style.

• Chris DiStefano [02:26]: "This is Matt Rife, everybody. [...] He's got a rockin' heart body, a rhb, and he's got blonde hair."

• Matt Rife [03:00]: "I'm going to go now."

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2. Historical Anecdotes: Eunuchs in Ancient Civilizations [04:00 – 10:00]

The conversation shifts to history, specifically the use of eunuchs in ancient times to maintain power and control, using Alexander the Great as a primary example.

• Chris DiStefano [07:09]: "What's very good for you, Matt, is because you could have been born in any era. Unfortunately, if you were born, say in Alexander the Great's time, you would have your nuts clipped and be running his harem."

• Yannis Pappas [08:27]: "It was actually progressive when you think about it."

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3. The Impact of Social Media on Mental Health [10:00 – 37:00]

The hosts and Matt delve into the negative ramifications of social media, particularly platforms like TikTok, on mental health. They discuss algorithms' manipulative nature and the addictive behavior they foster.

• Matt Rife [32:04]: "I think it's way more negative than is positive. [...] You're negative almost immediately."

• Chris DiStefano [40:06]: "Comparison is the thief of joy. Social media is just one big comparison tool."

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4. Personal Experiences with Faith and Baptism [37:00 – 52:00]

Matt shares his journey towards embracing Christianity, motivated by personal loss and a desire for spiritual connection, despite finding church services boring.

• Matt Rife [21:12]: "When my grandpa passed away, something hit me that I was like, I'll never not see this person again. So something has to exist."

• Giannis Papas [21:16]: "I believe in God just for the placebo effect. I'm just going, I believe it and I'm happier."

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5. Listener Engagement: "Pseudo Penis of the Week" [52:00 – 86:06]

Introducing a new interactive segment, the hosts review and rate hilarious names submitted by listeners, ultimately selecting the "Pseudo Penis of the Week."

• Giannis Papas [66:30]: "A chicken finger is a good, simple one."

• Chris DiStefano [73:02]: "Hummus Tunnels. Hope you read my name before I get deported. Rodriguez. And suck it before I talk to Kirby Pocket."

• Matt Rife [75:30]: "I like that one."

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Key Insights and Discussions

• Historical Roles: The discussion on eunuchs provided an intriguing look into how ancient societies used specific societal roles to maintain control and trust within powerful circles.

• Social Media's Dark Side: The hosts highlighted how platforms like TikTok manipulate user engagement, leading to decreased mental well-being and increased anxiety among users.

• Faith and Personal Growth: Matt's personal account underscored the profound impact that personal loss and the search for meaning can have on one's spiritual beliefs and practices.

• Humor and Community Engagement: The PPW segment not only entertained but also fostered a sense of community among listeners, encouraging creativity and participation.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Chris DiStefano [07:09]: "If you were born in Alexander the Great's time, you would have your nuts clipped and be running his harem."

• Matt Rife [21:12]: "When my grandpa passed away, something hit me that I was like, I'll never not see this person again."

• Yannis Pappas [08:27]: "It was actually progressive when you think about it."

• Matt Rife [32:04]: "I think it's way more negative than is positive. [...] You're negative almost immediately."

• Chris DiStefano [40:06]: "Comparison is the thief of joy. Social media is just one big comparison tool."

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Conclusion

"Matt Rife is for The Table" is a quintessential episode of History Hyenas, blending insightful historical discourse with sharp societal critiques and infectious humor. The addition of Matt Rife as a guest brings fresh energy and diverse perspectives, making the episode both entertaining and thought-provoking. The newly introduced PPW segment enhances listener engagement, ensuring that the podcast remains interactive and community-driven.

For more engaging content and to participate in segments like PPW, listeners are encouraged to join the show's Patreon community.

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Listen to the full episode here.

Transcript

[Chris DiStefano]

This cold and flu season, Instacart is here to help deliver all of your sick day essentials. Whether you're in prevention mode and need vitamins, hand sanitizer and that lemon tea your Nana swears by, or you're in healing mode and need medicine, soup and a lot more tissues, simply download the Instacart app to get sick day supplies that reinvigorate or relieve. Delivered in as fast as 30 minutes plus enjoy. Zero delivery fees on your first three orders. Excludes restaurant orders, service fees and terms apply. Babes, listen to me. Go to christycomedy.com December 14th and 15th I'm in Phoenix, Arizona at Stand Up Live, one of the best clubs in the country. Tickets are almost sold out, so please get the tickets right now. And then December 28th to the 31st I am at the Dania Beach Improv. I will be there celebrating New Year's Eve. I get there December 28th. All those shows selling well. So go to christycomedy.com get the Tikiwikis and then February 14th and 15th I am at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco. Bring your Valentine date, guy, dog, whatever you want. I'll kiss everyone in the front row on the lips. So if you get those front row tickets, you are getting kissed on the lips. Christy comedy.com for Tikiwikis Guys, come see.

[Giannis Papas]

Me on the road. I am in Milwaukee December 6th and 7th. I am in Bridgeport, Connecticut December 13th and the 14th. I am in Austin, Texas December 20th through the 22nd. Then I'll be in Rochester January 16th and 17th 18th Washington D.C. january 24th and 5th Tempe, Arizona, February, Chicago, February, Philadelphia, February and Springfield, Missouri March and San Diego in March and Cleveland, Ohio in April. So get your [e-mail] also history high heels hyenas. Go to our patreon patreon.com history hyenas.

[Chris DiStefano]

What's up everybody? Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. We got Chris DiStefano, aka Chrissy claps with Yanni Sundowns, Yanni Pappas. And then we have Resident Hottie. First time we've had a guest on History Hyenas. This is the kind of guy that we've said that when you're masturbating, he pops it to my head. I don't push him out right away. Yeah, I do push him out eventually. But we just let him in for a few seconds and he's got a rockin heart body, a rhb and he's Got blonde hair. And I don't know if I'm looking at just a hottie right now or a woman from the future, but I love them. It's Matt Rife, everybody.

[Giannis Papas]

Matt Rife.

[Matt Rife]

What's up?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Matt Rife]

Do I go? Headphones on.

[Giannis Papas]

You go. You go either or you could do whatever you want.

[Chris DiStefano]

White men are back.

[Matt Rife]

I'm going to go now. Yeah, we're back.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Saw the election two weeks ago.

[Matt Rife]

So you all day around.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. You can do whatever you want.

[Giannis Papas]

So it was big that you voted for Trump.

[Matt Rife]

I don't vote.

[Giannis Papas]

I'm just joking.

[Chris DiStefano]

We're joking. We just want. We have a live camera on your PR person just because of how off the rail this episode's going to go.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah. First guest for this. First guest, first irresponsible and a lot of pressure. Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

But you know what, dude? We want it because, you know, we love you. So we said, why not have Matty on? Because we normally we talk about history, we talk about all types of crazy stuff, but we figured we could just come in and kind of have an easy 45 minutes with you, because we'll just look at you and start the timer.

[Matt Rife]

Yes, Perfect.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what it is. The whole episode will be. By the way, let me tell you something. A lot of people. Okay. Don't know you for as long as we've known you.

[Giannis Papas]

You know, I've just. The first time I meet him, we've never met in person.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. I DM'd him once, and we had a nice little exchange, but I've never actually met him in person. Wow.

[Chris DiStefano]

You never met.

[Giannis Papas]

We're different generations.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

I mean, I'm 69 years old.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. I'm an old kid. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

No, I could be his young dad.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. And if you were Puerto Rican, you could be his.

[Matt Rife]

How old are you actually?

[Giannis Papas]

48.

[Matt Rife]

My mom's 49. Wow.

[Chris DiStefano]

Single. This could be your mom, dude.

[Giannis Papas]

I could put. I could put the wig on and be his other mom.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Matt, you're tired. You only have an hour's sleep. What were you doing last?

[Giannis Papas]

Thanks for squeezing us in because you're doing a Drew Barrymore after this.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, we're. The Drew Barrymore podcast.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, they say that's what they tell us.

[Chris DiStefano]

I can't wait to watch Drew Barrymore fall on the floor today.

[Giannis Papas]

She's gonna take her socks and shoes off and call the couch.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, yeah, I'm. I wanted to. I wanted to. Stop it. I've been owing you a podcast episode. For a long time. So I just couldn't sleep last night. I'm just a bad sleeper. I'm terrible at it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Why?

[Matt Rife]

Just anything from anxiety, slightly physically uncomfortable, can't sleep, and brain just never turns off.

[Chris DiStefano]

And you don't take anything right now you don't take anything?

[Matt Rife]

I take a ton of meds, but they don't work. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Really, just sleep through them. I mean, what could we have you tried oregano pills?

[Matt Rife]

Oregano pills?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Giannis Papas]

Chris's friend.

[Chris DiStefano]

I got a friend, Paul Igassi. Shout out Paulie Gassey. He says the cure for everything's oregano pills. During the pandemic, he was saying, you don't need the vaccine, just take these oregano pills. And he would train me while we were boxing. He's a boxing instructor. He would train me while he was eating Toine Alfredo that his mother made who he lived with.

[Matt Rife]

But oregano pills, cure for Italian.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's Jack and he's the most ripped guy you've ever seen. He's like, ripped like you. And he just works out. He does. Push up sit ups and oregano pills.

[Giannis Papas]

Give it a try. I mean, if everything else isn't working, just try it.

[Matt Rife]

Push up sit ups and oregano pills. I'm not going to a prison pharmacy. Dude.

[Giannis Papas]

Dude.

[Matt Rife]

Any sense of.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm telling you, dude, Paul, that fixes his sleep.

[Giannis Papas]

Listen, placebo effect is huge.

[Matt Rife]

Yes, I do.

[Giannis Papas]

So if you believe in that, I mean, you ever notice when they do these trials, like, and they give the placebo pill to, like the placebo group, like 80% of them get better. So if you just believe in the oregano pills, hopes and prayers, it may work. Yeah, it's something to it. I've decided to believe in God just for the placebo effect. I'm just going, I believe it and I'm happier.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, it does it. Reality. Perception is reality. And reality is a suggestion as you stay here, so you make your reality wanted.

[Matt Rife]

Jim Carrey.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dude, I wish. Yeah, dude, that's. No, I've been hanging out with Yanis. Now here's the thing here.

[Giannis Papas]

I love that he got all loosey goosey after he made his 80 mil. He's like, you know, it's not worth it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

I'd love to see if he had 100,000 in the bank. If he was like, you know what? This is all bullshit.

[Chris DiStefano]

He was driving a Subaru. That isn't real.

[Giannis Papas]

It's not real. I'm not real. Nothing's real. Let's meditate.

[Chris DiStefano]

So what's Very pleasurable. What's very good for you, Matt, is because you could have been born in any era. You could have been born in any era. And we're happy that you were born during this time because we talk a lot about history. No, we talk a lot about history because if you were born, unfortunately, if you were born, say in Alexander the Great's time, you have the same level of the talent that you have and the looks that you have. What Alexander the Great would have done is he would have taken you. What Alexander the Great liked to do and people at that time like to do is like take very handsome boys, very talented boys like you. And I like to cut their nuts off and make them eunuchs. And what you would do is you would be this nutless, beautiful boy who would be in charge of Alexander the Great's harem of like basically his women that he would have. And that would be. So it's very beautiful that you're born now so you can just be talented and free. Because if in history you'd have your nuts clipped and you'd be running a harem.

[Matt Rife]

So he cuts your nuts off and then makes you in charge of the hot women he gets to have sex with.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right, Right.

[Giannis Papas]

Occasionally he would have sex with you as well. I mean, that's the part.

[Matt Rife]

What did he look like?

[Chris DiStefano]

Alexander the Great?

[Giannis Papas]

Supposedly he's a handsome kid.

[Chris DiStefano]

He was a cute kid.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, suppose a cute kid.

[Matt Rife]

Do we have monitors?

[Chris DiStefano]

We don't have any. Well, no, there's no real.

[Giannis Papas]

I mean, we only know from Plutarch what he looked like. And supposedly he had nice hair. He had like locks. And he was a built kid.

[Chris DiStefano]

And he was a built kid and he kind of just did whatever. What eunuchs would do back then is because their thought was if we cut your nuts off, then your desire for sex goes away. And. And so we could say. And then here's the thing. And listen, it's not all the way wrong. If you just kind of put yourself there, they would say, we can trust you now to watch the women. You're not gonna wanna have sex with them. You're not gonna wanna take my throne, cuz you're not motivated. And then also just a little plus you don't have nuts. You technically not a guy, but you are beautiful. So I can bang you. And it's not gay.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. Part of it was to just keep the masculine traits from forming. To keep you sort of a pseudo woman. Yeah, yeah. Like a pseudo progressive.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, this is what it is.

[Giannis Papas]

It was Actually progressive when you think about it.

[Matt Rife]

You guys know this.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Because we're history cuties.

[Matt Rife]

But when did you read this specific article?

[Giannis Papas]

Oh, eunuchs are big in history. The human brain is wild and what people do with power. That Unix was on the table. So eunuchs were for the table. Women, you know, when you go to.

[Chris DiStefano]

A pizza, explain to him what for the table means and why. Matt Rife is for the table.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, Matt Rife is for the table.

[Chris DiStefano]

And Kyle, Kyle the clip cowboy over here, he is a eunuch.

[Matt Rife]

Totally.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is a unit. He is a unit. But him and I have spoken about that. He's a Southern eunuch. He got his clit. He got his nuts clipped. He's from the deep South. He got his nuts clipped because his dad thought he was a warthog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They. They call him Runner. He was running around the woods and they clipped his nuts. And now he's just. Now he just does the video stuff because he's got, you know. But he's a beautiful man and I have had sex with him.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. So eunuchs were in every civilization. They just. Yeah, they created.

[Chris DiStefano]

Tell them what for the table is.

[Giannis Papas]

For the table means a little. A little bit for everybody. Yeah. For the guys, the girls. Yeah. You got. You got your pizza menu, you know, on the one side you got your pizzas, on the other side you got your dishes. You know, so the pizzas were really like the women. You marry the pizza, but then the.

[Chris DiStefano]

Other side, you got.

[Giannis Papas]

You got things for the table. Okay, that's for everybody.

[Chris DiStefano]

For everybody.

[Giannis Papas]

For the gays, for the straights, for the.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just.

[Giannis Papas]

You're for the table.

[Chris DiStefano]

For every table. You know, like when you order something, you order an appetizer and you say, this is for the table. This. Everyone take a little piece.

[Giannis Papas]

Everybody gets a little piece.

[Chris DiStefano]

So you're for the. You're for the ancient times. You would be the definition of a guy. You're for the table. Alexander the Great would say, I love this kid.

[Giannis Papas]

He's for the table.

[Chris DiStefano]

Love him. Yeah, well, he's got to be. Is for the table because he's going to make myself and my soldiers happy.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So we're going to want to. We're going to. We're going to. He's going to make us laugh before battle and then we're going to want. Then we're going to take to win when I have sex with him.

[Matt Rife]

This is this merch. Have you made this merch?

[Chris DiStefano]

No, no, but he's fucking screwed in he's screwed in. He's a king Mer Table.

[Matt Rife]

I would wear this shirt.

[Giannis Papas]

For the table.

[Chris DiStefano]

For the table. For the table. Okay. That's where we're going to make merch.

[Matt Rife]

10% off the top. Fine. Greater purposes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, whatever. Yeah, sure. We'll give you whatever you want.

[Giannis Papas]

You don't need to.

[Matt Rife]

I. I want to get back to this UNIX situation. Like, was it. Was it purely for control and power or was there like a spiritual purpose to it as well? Like they did their.

[Giannis Papas]

I. I think it depends on who was banging the eunuch. I think Alexander the Great was the type of guy who loved his eunuch.

[Matt Rife]

Was it purely sexual, the eunuch situation? Like the whole job title of eunuch. Is it purely sexual?

[Giannis Papas]

They served multifunctions. But a big part of it was. Was.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, but the biggest, biggest part was to. They were trust. They believe back then, which again, they're not wrong, that they believe that men could not be trusted because of their desire for lust and sex. But the only way you could trust a man is if you clipped his nuts off. And you can obviously never trust a woman. A lot of they thought that.

[Matt Rife]

Of course.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Can't do that.

[Giannis Papas]

Smaller brains too.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

But yeah, a lot of that's just a fact. That's just a fact. It's got WNBA sized balls. The smaller 28 point.

[Chris DiStefano]

Their brains are 28.5 ounces.

[Giannis Papas]

That's what it is.

[Chris DiStefano]

Ours are. Ours are bigger. Yeah. Just same size of WNBA ball. Here's the thing.

[Matt Rife]

A lot.

[Giannis Papas]

A lot of eunuchs did rise to prominent positions to be like advisors to the emperors and stuff like that in Eastern cultures. Especially Wei Zhong Jing was. He's a famous eunuch. On our podcast. He was like a top advisor to one of the Chinese emperors, weijong.

[Chris DiStefano]

She. And when anytime we say something out of the box crazy, we have a sound effect that goes wayshaw Jian. And why we started saying that was years ago. We found. Came up with this famous. We found this famous eunuch from China and his name is Wei Shanxian. And so we just use it as a sound effect. It doesn't make any sense.

[Giannis Papas]

It doesn't.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's why we do it. I don't know the soundboard.

[Giannis Papas]

We're in a.

[Chris DiStefano]

We don't have. This is not our normal studio. This isn't we normal one Bay Ridge, Brooklyn. But we.

[Giannis Papas]

We weren't gonna ask you to come.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, we figured your PR team was.

[Matt Rife]

Not gonna respectfully pass.

[Giannis Papas]

Put that in.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. So. But. So, you know, I What's your favorite part of history?

[Matt Rife]

Oh, man, I don't know if I have one specific spot.

[Giannis Papas]

Are you from. You're from Ohio, right?

[Matt Rife]

I am.

[Giannis Papas]

I told you, Chad, GBT was correct.

[Chris DiStefano]

See, because we weren't chat gbt.

[Matt Rife]

Told you. I'm from Ohio.

[Chris DiStefano]

We are the chat GBT slots. We used to be the Wikipedia slots. Now we' GPT slots.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Chat GPT.

[Matt Rife]

Just type stuff into it.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's all it is.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. Chris didn't believe you were from there.

[Chris DiStefano]

I didn't believe you were from Ohio. I said, because I didn't know. I did.

[Giannis Papas]

You did say Beijing. And I said that.

[Chris DiStefano]

I said Beijing. I didn't know because I said because you've gotten yourself. I said because when I was saying before and again, we're just. You've gotten so huge and. And specifically on Tick Tock, I said, if you get that big and you're controlling that many minds, China may have gotten to you. And if they got to you, I would. I would not be. I would be like, hey, I would be in the same position. But then I said, you can't trust anything. Chachi beat saying. Because at this point, Chachi Beatty, which is also owned by the Chinese, we were thinking they could be telling us anything, and I don't know what to believe.

[Matt Rife]

But you're also Chinese.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're. I mean, what is in Chinese these days? Yeah, it's all Chinese. Right.

[Giannis Papas]

Cash offers. Okay.

[Matt Rife]

Who would you. Who would you rather join? China or the Illuminati?

[Chris DiStefano]

China or the Illuminati?

[Giannis Papas]

Who's got better amenities?

[Chris DiStefano]

I would say China, because I want to get. I want to get my feet bound.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I want somebody to tie up my feet, I think. Yeah. It's funny to just look over. I. I've been glancing over a little bit at your PR lady, and she just has her head down.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So it's what it is. So this episode will probably be all [e-mail] history hyenas because we're going to get a season desist from Matt Wright.

[Matt Rife]

This is great.

[Giannis Papas]

I'm going Chinese.

[Chris DiStefano]

Chinese.

[Giannis Papas]

I'm going Chinese. For the future. No, for the future.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right? Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

They're taking over. I want to be on a winning team. It's like asking an athlete if he wants to go to a contender. I'm going to a contender.

[Chris DiStefano]

I want to win a champion. It also would be nice to be on the right side of a virus for once.

[Giannis Papas]

That would be nice. That would be nice to send it out.

[Chris DiStefano]

Not receiving it. Yeah, we're not receiving.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, yeah, that'd be good. It'd be good to be a top in that situation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

What about you? Would you go Illuminati or Chinese?

[Giannis Papas]

Oh, first of all, are they going to let you out of the Illuminati?

[Matt Rife]

I would love to be.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

If anybody. If anybody's offering, if anybody's listening to this right now, I would love to be. You know, I posted. This is how insane people are. I posted a photo from a photo shoot with just, like my hand on my face like this.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Matt Rife]

And the entire Internet was like, oh, that's the official sign of join the Illuminati. He's in. Everybody knows that's the sign. He joined the Illuminati. He's in it for sure. Diddy's been inside of him. He's been inside of Diddy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Matt Rife]

All of it. Just because I accidentally put my hand on my face for a photo.

[Chris DiStefano]

I know. It's so funny when the Internet's happening. One of my boys, like, I have a big group chat with all my boys. One of my boys, like, yo, ask Matt Rife how the parties are. I was like, I don't know. I was like, I don't. I genuine. I was like, I can almost confirm that he's never been to a dating party.

[Matt Rife]

It's awfully upsetting. I've never been invited. They sound like a really good time.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I was like, that's what I thought, too. I was like, I would have loved to been invited because people are like, oh, would you go to a ditty party knowing everything? It's like, yeah. Hello. What? Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Why. Why would you just leave at a certain hour? You just got to know when to leave.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

You got to know when to leave.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Actually, we went as. Just posted this. We went as a Diddy party for Halloween in. In Liverpool, and let me tell you, everybody got it.

[Giannis Papas]

Oh, look at that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Perfect.

[Matt Rife]

McQueen went as P. Diddy in this gigantic white coat we carried around. It was like eight tubs of baby oil the entire night.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's amazing. Did anyone paint blood on their asshole?

[Matt Rife]

It's so funny you say that. Did I not pitch that?

[Chris DiStefano]

And Right.

[Matt Rife]

Nobody else was on board.

[Chris DiStefano]

They're like, that'll be.

[Matt Rife]

That'll be the thing.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm not show more. We have fun in here.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, I love it.

[Giannis Papas]

That would. That would be the. The icing on.

[Matt Rife]

That being said, I think I would go. I would go Illuminati just for. I think that has more benefits Yeah. I mean, if you want to go to, like, games, if you want to attend concerts, they're like the live nation. I probably shouldn't say that. I work with live nations. Yeah, but.

[Chris DiStefano]

But I mean, they know. They know. They're. They're eating baby heads right now. They know.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. You definitely get the entertainment. Perks are probably better. Yeah, the entertainment.

[Matt Rife]

You're going to have more fun. The parties have got to be better.

[Giannis Papas]

But what happens when China buys the Illuminati? That's when I'm going to be in a position of right of privilege.

[Matt Rife]

The Illuminati.

[Giannis Papas]

The Illuminati. Keeping it a clip.

[Matt Rife]

Canceled.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. I mean, you're too big to get canceled now. That's. That's what's good part. That's what's good about all our.

[Giannis Papas]

It's not a big deal. Look, when they speak in a second language, they do struggle with the L. Oh, of course. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

They struggle with the L. It's a good point.

[Giannis Papas]

It's certain language.

[Matt Rife]

My name was Matt Life before I joined TikTok.

[Giannis Papas]

There you go.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Which is a good name.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Matt Life.

[Giannis Papas]

When he. When he tours in Asia, it'll be like, welcome to the state, My Life.

[Chris DiStefano]

This is his stadium. Yeah, my life stadium.

[Matt Rife]

Have you guys performed in Asia?

[Chris DiStefano]

No, I don't. I typically don't go behind.

[Giannis Papas]

He can't even eat. He can't even eat in front of him.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I'm just kidding. Yeah, no, I. I do. I have never. I. I don't perform in Asia, but I've. I've seen Ronnie Chang's Stanford.

[Giannis Papas]

It's. That's enough.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, it's enough.

[Giannis Papas]

You.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Have you performed in any non English speaking first countries?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I've performed in the Bronx.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. I don't know. Little character called Maurice. I've done a few English as a second language shows.

[Chris DiStefano]

What's Norway? We did Norway. Where you've been. You've been to a lot.

[Giannis Papas]

You've been a lot.

[Chris DiStefano]

Been around. Y. Been around.

[Matt Rife]

Where was the hardest, like, language barrier?

[Giannis Papas]

Well, Scandinavian countries, they all speak great English. You've probably been there. Yeah. So it's like, I think got a Scandinavian look. Yeah, he does.

[Chris DiStefano]

Scandinavian kid. A Danish Viking kid.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

I would love to be part Viking.

[Chris DiStefano]

You do? You look like it.

[Giannis Papas]

What is your ethnic background?

[Matt Rife]

Italian and German.

[Giannis Papas]

See, like an American mutt, kind of. He's a German.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's German. He's one of us.

[Matt Rife]

Those shows were very fun. Have you Germany yet?

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

No. Oh, well, we've been To Germany. But we didn't do stand up.

[Matt Rife]

Oh, dude, it's awesome. What was great about it, they know they fucked up. That's kind of the best part. So you can kind of go in on whatever they want. Like.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, we were actually pitching the idea because we said, you know, if dinosaurs are going to come back, and Giannis has confirmed that you can clone people. There's people that can be cloned. No, we were saying they cloned Hitler, have Hitler come back, make him the same kind of guy, vengeful on a war path. But you make him a super Jew and he kills Germans.

[Giannis Papas]

Right. You just. Because he looked it, he had the look. You just kind of raise him in Israel and just take all that hate and turn it on the Germans.

[Chris DiStefano]

On the Germans. He says the Germans are stealing the jobs. He gets to. He starts killing the Germans. And then you have an even. Steven is what we call.

[Giannis Papas]

But here's the thing, like, Matt's saying Germany is like, the safest place for Jews now. They're like, they know they fucked up. Well, maybe I'm wrong.

[Chris DiStefano]

No, no, we were there.

[Giannis Papas]

Did you meet some Nazis when you were there?

[Matt Rife]

I asked. I did like, 15 minutes on World War II jokes at the end of. I was like, is anybody Jewish here?

[Giannis Papas]

No. Nothing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Really?

[Matt Rife]

One Jewish person was at either one of our shows.

[Giannis Papas]

If I was Jewish, I wouldn't move.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Even though they'd be like, no, but things are different now. I would still say, yeah, but I don't know if I want. Trust us.

[Giannis Papas]

You can trust us.

[Chris DiStefano]

We have. Yeah. We took down all the statues.

[Giannis Papas]

Everything's fine. It's a museum now. It's not even the oven anymore. It's a museum.

[Matt Rife]

But I'm hanging on. One thing you said only because we're going to talk about history and conspiracy a little bit.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yes, we are.

[Matt Rife]

You mentioned dinosaurs. Are you guys up on the dinosaur conspiracies?

[Chris DiStefano]

Tell us. Okay, well, we do. We confirmed last week that fossil fuels was made up by John D. Rockefeller, who's from your home state.

[Matt Rife]

Is he?

[Chris DiStefano]

We. John D. Rockefeller is from Ohio. We did confirm that fossil fuels are not real. That that's government conspiracy. John D. Rockefeller made that up. Oil is not made from dinosaur bones. That it's just an oil conspiracy.

[Matt Rife]

You've been hanging out with Tim Dillon for way too much.

[Giannis Papas]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's actually true that oil is mostly like sea algae and, like, sea life. That's why they find most of it in water.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Giannis Papas]

There's very little like on land. Organic.

[Matt Rife]

Listen, I'm fully on board with this.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Because the next day after I heard this, I was in Washington D.C. and I loved going to all the museums, especially the dinosaur ones. I want to see the cool shit I'd heard. First and foremost, very cool. Fun fact. Dinosaur bones weren't discovered until years after George Washington died. So he never even knew they were a thing. It's fun fact. Interesting. A theory is that. Have you heard the theory that dinosaurs never existed?

[Chris DiStefano]

No.

[Giannis Papas]

I've heard that from a few of my Christian friends. Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, Perfect.

[Giannis Papas]

I've heard that in a few elections. I've heard that. Yes. Yeah. There's a few people who do believe that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Theory kind of backs it up. They said when you go to a museum, there's never actually any dinosaur bones there. Think about any exhibit you've ever seen. It's always like cast moldings of them. Like construction within the lob, construct in the lobbies and everything.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

There's never actually any bones there. So sure enough, I was like, well, there's a. It's the Museum of Natural History in dc. Let me go check it out. It's all cast moldings. The only fossils that are ever actually there are the ones that are like embedded in fully rocks, like plants. The little. Little crustacean things, little spinny look looking things. There's never any actual dinosaur bones there, so. Didn't see. Didn't see one the whole time I was there.

[Giannis Papas]

You're basically making a case for Christ.

[Matt Rife]

You are trying to baptize in August.

[Chris DiStefano]

You did baptized in August. Catholic.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah. Just Christian. Just Christian. Christian.

[Giannis Papas]

Thank God.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

You got to keep that butthole, say, fully baptized.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Water on your head and everything.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah. In a dude's pool.

[Chris DiStefano]

Wow.

[Giannis Papas]

That's the way to do it. Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Was it official? It was like a drunk thing where you like baptized with dog.

[Matt Rife]

It was in a Tupperware container. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Wait a second. What convinced. That's fascinating to me. What convinced you to get baptized?

[Giannis Papas]

The book, the Case for Christ.

[Matt Rife]

You know, not to get super sad, but like, when. When my. I've never been a super religious person, but when my grandpa passed away, something hit me that I was like, I'll never not see this person again. So something has to exist.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sure.

[Matt Rife]

And I guess I skew Christian. So I started to go to church a little bit more. I hate church. I find it excruciatingly boring.

[Giannis Papas]

I mean, they need new material. That's the thing, is the guy's doing the same Act. It's like, I've heard this act. You can't go on the road with the same act. You got to write a new hour.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, we know that. That's what it is. You're like, guy, write a little same. It's like, listen to Jerry Seinfeld.

[Matt Rife]

They're using chat GPT to write their sermons. Yeah. It's getting lazier.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. It's getting lazy.

[Matt Rife]

But I want. I want to believe in God, and it's obviously a huge part of the process.

[Chris DiStefano]

He believes in you.

[Giannis Papas]

He does believe in you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, I know. So, yeah. He believe in you. Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Swedish. Same thing.

[Giannis Papas]

He believes and it's.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

He believes in you. Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

I wanted to believe in it. I wanted to. I knew that's a big part of, like, converting to. To Christianity and, like, establishment from Islam Church.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Yes.

[Giannis Papas]

Wow.

[Matt Rife]

You made the switch.

[Giannis Papas]

We're happy to have you because the crusade's coming and we're going to need your PR platform because we got to take Chrissy's old house in Staten island back.

[Chris DiStefano]

Taking on my old house because Muzzy's bought it.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

What happened to your house?

[Chris DiStefano]

I sold it. I sold it because I couldn't walk to a bagel store.

[Giannis Papas]

And then the Caliphate bought it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. And then. And then some. Yeah. Some people bough. And my neighborhood got a little mad at me and my. And so. But I moved to Queens. But I am. I am trying to move back to Staten island just because the way the world's going, I'd like to be over a bridge. I'd like. I'd like for there be. There's. I just. I'm just gonna say it. I'd like to be in a place that. No, nobody's really protesting.

[Giannis Papas]

There's.

[Chris DiStefano]

Nobody's. Nobody's taking that protest over.

[Matt Rife]

Are there a ton of protests in.

[Chris DiStefano]

Manhattan, New York City? I mean. Yeah, it's a lot. It's a little. I'm done sitting in traffic. I'd like to just go. I'd like to just go. You know, I'd like.

[Giannis Papas]

He's on the ice right now. He's skating around. What he want to say, Scott Hamilton, you skate.

[Matt Rife]

But he wants to say, I'm curious.

[Giannis Papas]

Well, I'll answer for. He wants to be in a Republican neighborhood.

[Chris DiStefano]

I got to that level. I just said, you know, I got kids, and I'm just. I don't.

[Giannis Papas]

He says, I'm 40, I'm white. I deserve it. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's what it is. I respect the level of people. I Just told. I just don't need my 3 year old getting the story read to them by transgender.

[Giannis Papas]

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm a transgender person in my family. I just. I just don't. It's just got. We've gotten to the point where I just, you know, having kids, I just like to go back in time a little bit and just kind of keep them in a place where it's like, you know, there's boys and there's girls and there's Jesus, and that's what. And those are the three people you need to know. And that's what it is. And we just. And then when you get older, you make the decision. I'm not gonna keep you from nothing. You make the decision. But just for now, while I'm raising you here, I would just like you to be on Staten Island. Yeah, that's the last thing. Because, you know, I don't need the.

[Giannis Papas]

Italian album because the other day.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, my.

[Giannis Papas]

You know, their whole day. Yeah, they all moved from Brooklyn and like, they went to Long island and stand out. They're just holding. It's the Italian.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, it's what it is. My stepson's got a friend, and the guy looks like Rachel Maddow, and that's a problem.

[Matt Rife]

The guy looks like Rachel Maddow.

[Chris DiStefano]

The kid looks like Rachel Maddow. So I said, you know what, man? Maybe it's time we just move a little bit. Just move. Listen, I'm not going all in. I'm not going crazy. I just like to be over a bridge. I'd like to just be in a place where you have an American flag outside your house. And it's okay. And it's okay. And that's all. And I just. We're proud to be Americans. And that's all. I'll say.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Now you probably drew Barrymore. What?

[Giannis Papas]

I said, yeah, don't story. Yeah, you probably get a lot of both coming to your shows. Everybody left and right.

[Matt Rife]

It's pretty mixed.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's for the table. That's for the table.

[Giannis Papas]

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[Chris DiStefano]

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[Matt Rife]

Yeah, that's not true. That's absolutely not true.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean the answer, Eva, you don't listen, you don't look at the comments. Do you look at the comment. John said something very powerful for me. You're love this actually, this is actually you might be the definition of the kid who needs to hear this because who's, you know, not many people are bigger than you up there. What he said to me and it's fundamentally changing. It's true. The posting of the content is for us. The comments and the likes and the views is for them. So the likes and the views. The reason why that upsets us because that's not for us. Not for us. What's for us on our side is the posting of the content that you're.

[Giannis Papas]

Proud of and then you leave it alone.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then you leave it alone. That's for everybody. Else that's for your agent, your pr, the fans, nobody. That's not for you.

[Giannis Papas]

Can you imagine, can you imagine if Seinfeld, the show was on the Internet and people could comment on it? That classic. And that could a show. Imagine the hate comments that would be under there. They'd be saying all the set sucks and all this shit. A lot of the reasons.

[Chris DiStefano]

Imagine what Kramer would be saying.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, yeah. Imagine what they'd be asking Kramer.

[Matt Rife]

Killing it on Twitter.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

They'd be bringing up Seinfeld's old girlfriend. They'd be comment. And you. Can you imagine Seinfeld reading the comments and then getting all stressed out and going to write the show with Larry David saying, these fans saying that. Well, you don't even know what their motivation is. A lot of it is just for attention. It's just to communicate with other fans. It's not our business.

[Matt Rife]

Very good point.

[Giannis Papas]

It's not a neighborhood we should be in. It's for them.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Giannis Papas]

Them. It's like a bathroom wall where they just put things. It's just for them.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's for them.

[Matt Rife]

It's such a good one for us.

[Chris DiStefano]

For us is you're for the table.

[Giannis Papas]

The comment sections for them, the postings for us.

[Chris DiStefano]

Postings for you. You do it from the safety of your own home in Staten island and you just post.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And everything else is unsafe. And then also the fans. What I did. Do you have social media on your phone?

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

He took Instagram off and put Grinder on in its place.

[Matt Rife]

It was already on.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Actually, he just made his way to the home.

[Chris DiStefano]

I have Grindr on. I do. But. But what I actually did, and this is another Yanni Yas, as we call it. Yanni Yass, when he gives good advice is I took the. I still have the Instagram. A guy runs it, but I took it off my phone because I was getting unhappy constantly checking it. And I removed it from my phone. And in the place, I put this app that he recommended called Elevate. And the other one's called Inspire. And it's a learning app. Like, you're playing all these fun games. Even my daughter, my oldest daughter is nine. You know, she would want to go on the iPad and the phone. And you let her be a part of technology, whatever, Playing Roblox, whatever. But now she plays these games with me, this Elevate and Inspire, because they have like one game like the rocket, you know, like that rocket one where it's like you have to, like, match different words, but you're learning. It's like, all, like, advanced levels, and it's playing these games, and I find myself. If I'm gonna be on the phone and sucked into an app for an hour, it's this learning app, and you're coming out learning all this stuff. And social media is still a part of our life, as it has to be, but I don't. I send the content to a guy and he posts it.

[Matt Rife]

That's so smart.

[Chris DiStefano]

So because I'm like, remove. You know, remove yourself. Because it just decreases your happiness.

[Matt Rife]

Absolutely.

[Chris DiStefano]

Social media is a can't. I mean, obviously, all of us have done well off it, but it's social media. It's a cancer that if. Of your. Of your happiness. That's what it is.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. What's your view on it? Because you got big on social media, but also you get a lot of trolls on social media, I'm sure.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah. Overall, I think it does way more bad than it does good. Like, you obviously can capitalize on the reach of it, which is awesome.

[Chris DiStefano]

Which is what you did.

[Matt Rife]

You can be the funniest person in the world, but if nobody ever sees your stuff, how would anybody know that? So obviously, the reach is incredibly important. Important and world changing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Man.

[Matt Rife]

I find it's. I find it's way more negative than is positive. You can't be on social media More than 10 minutes and not get upset at something, whether it's directed to you or not or somebody else saying something you disagree with. You're. It's. It's negative almost immediately.

[Chris DiStefano]

Try the app. Try. Try this Elevate and Inspire app or whatever. App. Try it.

[Matt Rife]

I don't play any games on my phone.

[Chris DiStefano]

Try to replace the app. I am. Try to. Try to just replace the app. Try to just replace that. What is this symbol, by the way?

[Matt Rife]

Illuminati.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, look. Giannis has got the chain on. Same thing.

[Giannis Papas]

There it is right there. I'm in it now they're gonna think we're both in the Illuminati.

[Matt Rife]

It's just. You never seen the. The wireless chargers?

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, that's what it is.

[Matt Rife]

Set it on.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

And then the charger connects to the back of the phone.

[Chris DiStefano]

What app do you play? What do you play on when you go on your phone? Other than social media, what do you use?

[Matt Rife]

Nothing.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just social media.

[Matt Rife]

If I'm not on social media, I'm not really on my phone or texting.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, can you put a time limit on for social media? Can you do five minutes a day?

[Matt Rife]

Is it possible you can Set it. And then. But here's the thing, it comes up, it says do you want to Ignore? Ignore for 15 minutes or ignore all day? And you almost always press ignore all day.

[Chris DiStefano]

Damn it.

[Matt Rife]

I know.

[Chris DiStefano]

How we gonna get the kid off it? I don't want to lose Matt.

[Giannis Papas]

This is what.

[Matt Rife]

I'm also difficult because it is so much part of our career. Like we have to be social media marketers, not just comedians anymore.

[Giannis Papas]

Right.

[Matt Rife]

So like. And there's so many things that play into that. Interactiveness is one of them. Like communicating back and forth with fans, upping the, the activity on the. On on each post, liking people's comments, coming back and forth, them creating.

[Chris DiStefano]

But do you have to be the guy that does that?

[Giannis Papas]

Can't you just have like a.

[Chris DiStefano]

Can't you just have what? Get a eunuch.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Get a unic. Yeah, I, I probably should, but it's one of those things that I. I don't know if it'll be done the right way. Can you trust somebody to do it exactly the way you would do it?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

But, but see that's what the social media sites do is they want to keep you on there for as long as possible. So they make that part of the algorithm that you got to.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's brain gambling.

[Matt Rife]

Oh, absolutely.

[Chris DiStefano]

Where the product and it's.

[Matt Rife]

And it's impossibly inconsistent as well. You can think you have it down to a science. Tick Tock is a perfect example. Like we figured out the science of Tick Tock and that's obviously where would change my entire life. But the app is so ever changing. It's a horrendous business model. I've met with a couple of people, phone calls or zooms with people at Tick Tock.

[Chris DiStefano]

The president of China. What's his name? Xi Jean Ping. Hello.

[Giannis Papas]

Matt Rife.

[Chris DiStefano]

Hello.

[Giannis Papas]

So we really like what you're doing.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, I knew I'm setting myself up immediately.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

And they talked about how the, the algorithm on there is ever changing. Like think of the specific example they gave. It was so. Okay, for example, when you know, say you have a million followers on TikTok, right. When somebody, when you follow somebody on TikTok, you are not even 1% more likely to see their content anymore. Like following somebody on TikTok does absolutely nothing. Wow. All algorithm based.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

And it's all trend based algorithm. You know, you see the dances or what people are dressing and doing a weird stupid robotic sheep like thing. Just brainless. And they push out a new one almost every week, which I Also have a fun conspiracy about that. I think that's. AI.

[Chris DiStefano]

I bet you.

[Matt Rife]

Okay, you know what? Like within like 10, 15, 20 years ago, somebody comes up with a dance, right? Let's call it the Dougie, right? Everybody knows who made that dance. Everybody knows. That person's world famous. That group is world famous for a year at least, right? There's a new dance or a new trend on TikTok every single week. Nobody knows who starts them.

[Giannis Papas]

Right?

[Matt Rife]

That's a bit strange, right?

[Chris DiStefano]

Weird.

[Giannis Papas]

Somebody's behind that.

[Chris DiStefano]

So is the key then for TikTok not to follow us is to get on the phone. Woo. Page?

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, absolutely. That's entirely it. And stand up is no longer a push thing on there. They should have told me. They're like, oh, we don't push stand up like at all on our platform.

[Chris DiStefano]

So what? We're interested.

[Giannis Papas]

So they're done with that. What's the new thing then?

[Chris DiStefano]

What are they pushing now?

[Matt Rife]

Whatever. The new week.

[Giannis Papas]

I think the new hot content is Palestinian, Israeli war footage.

[Matt Rife]

There's footage on the.

[Giannis Papas]

I. If I saw Palestinian, Israeli war footage walking down the street, I'd ask for an autograph.

[Chris DiStefano]

So what?

[Giannis Papas]

So I think that's the new shit.

[Chris DiStefano]

So that's the thing to do. So what you do is you throw up. So what I'll do is you throw up.

[Giannis Papas]

You got to go there and fight in the war.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, no, you. So here's what you do then.

[Giannis Papas]

And that makes you a star.

[Chris DiStefano]

You put up the Israeli. The Israeli. No, put up the Palestinian, Israeli war footage. Yeah, put that on. And then at the end, you roll your dates down.

[Giannis Papas]

Then you roll your dates right over.

[Chris DiStefano]

Come see me in Phoenix. Yes. Miami. Yes. Bang.

[Matt Rife]

That's just the audio over, like the Roblox.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what it is.

[Giannis Papas]

That's what it is.

[Chris DiStefano]

What you got to do, dude.

[Giannis Papas]

That's what it is.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then.

[Giannis Papas]

And then.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, but. But let me ask you this. If social media went away tomorrow. Yeah. Would you care?

[Matt Rife]

I'd be so happy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Matt Rife]

If it went away for everybody, I'd be so.

[Chris DiStefano]

Isn't that insane? We all feel the same way and we. You had a huge career off it, but we, like, if you took it.

[Giannis Papas]

All of our careers due to social media, for the most part, everybody. Yeah. I mean, I didn't get anything from my fusion show.

[Matt Rife]

The difference.

[Giannis Papas]

My AOL sports show that did nothing. I threw a wig on and I went viral.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's.

[Giannis Papas]

That's the only thing that's happened.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

No, it's fantastic for Exactly. That like any. Anything can pop off and help you. I think the difference is, is we actually do something live. And people have succeeded in our field for decades, centuries before us doing this. There's still an avenue for us to be successful without it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Matt Rife]

I think it was just. It goes back to being a little bit harder, but more organic and healthier. Right, sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Matt Rife]

I think it's so unhealthy.

[Giannis Papas]

I'm worried. I'm worried about your generation, and I'm glad you're on the show because I could say this because social media, you guys grew up with it. You don't know anything different.

[Matt Rife]

I got the tail end of it. I didn't get social media till I was about 14, 15, I want to say.

[Chris DiStefano]

How old are you now?

[Matt Rife]

29.

[Giannis Papas]

Yummy. So you caught the pitch.

[Matt Rife]

Isn't that crazy? I'm almost too old for you.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's crazy. I know. Almost. Yeah. Keyword almost.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

It's the adrenochromos. I'll look this way for a while.

[Giannis Papas]

So you're like an older Zoomer then, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because.

[Chris DiStefano]

So a little bit younger than him is. Is really who you're mostly worried about.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, well, him and under. Because.

[Chris DiStefano]

But the younger group, they did vote. Skew more Republicans, so that's possible.

[Matt Rife]

They really.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, they did.

[Chris DiStefano]

Younger guys, kids in the early 20s, they came out hard for Trump.

[Matt Rife]

Really?

[Chris DiStefano]

Of all races and religions.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

They just came out big for Donnie T. Yeah. The young guys, the young kids. Now, how wild. We're about to tell you. I have a nephew. Well, cousin. He's like, 17. He's like, oh. In my brain, because his algorithm, he's like, the Republicans are the good guys and the Democrats are the bad guys. I was like, oh. When I was raised, it was the exact opposite.

[Matt Rife]

Well, I think it was when, like, the Civil War and stuff was happening, wasn't it Democrats that were frozen.

[Chris DiStefano]

Republican Republicans were the good guys. And then the parties flipped somewhere along the way.

[Matt Rife]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

They flipped. Really? In what the. We did an episode on the 50s and 60s.

[Giannis Papas]

They flipped. FDR, FDR was really the final flip.

[Chris DiStefano]

Franklin Delano Roosevelt with the. He came in.

[Giannis Papas]

Teddy Roosevelt was like, the first flip.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

He was like. He founded the Progressive Party, the Bull Moose Party, and he wanted women's suffrage, and he wanted women to vote and minority rights and stuff like that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Puerto Ricans.

[Giannis Papas]

Puerto Ricans.

[Matt Rife]

Were there Puerto Ricans?

[Chris DiStefano]

No. Teddy Roosevelt. The Spanish American War. Teddy Roosevelt, when they won it, he wanted Puerto Rico as a Spanish, as A country. So I'm very thankful to Teddy Roosevelt. My whole family's Puerto Rican and my whole existence is Puerto Rican.

[Matt Rife]

Shout out to T.R.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, and my whole career is Puerto Rican.

[Chris DiStefano]

And Giannis, his whole career is Puerto Rican. You've never met two white people who have capitalized more in the Puerto Rican culture than us. I mean, make no mistake, Yanni and I, we are. We're the bad bunnies of comedy.

[Giannis Papas]

But here's the thing is we got these like, you know, we got these hunter gatherer, like sort of agrarian brains. We're not, not. The technology is so new. Our brains aren't not supposed to communicate with that many people and have that much information in our brains.

[Chris DiStefano]

Can't do it Makes sense. We're not evolved for it yet. So that's why I think very quickly in these last 10 years, you see.

[Giannis Papas]

All these mental health crisis with young people. That wasn't when I was a kid, that didn't even the kid with the most up parents who you knew was the poorest, there was never any like depression or suicidal ideation. Now like young kids, it's like commonplace, commonplace because if 14 states have fired a lawsuit against TikTok 14 states for mental health costs because their mental health costs have skyrocketed so much and it's all they say.

[Chris DiStefano]

Teddy Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt, my lord and savior, for bringing me Puerto Rico has one of my favorite quotes. He said comparison is the thief of joy.

[Matt Rife]

That's his quote.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's his quote. And social media is just one big comparison tool. If you're not comparing yourself to others, you're comparing you to you. So it's just all it is is capitalizing on comparisons. So for me it's like that is that robs inherently robs your joy. And you know, we're trying to just be happier with less.

[Matt Rife]

Now without social media, do you think we are the least happy generation?

[Chris DiStefano]

I do.

[Giannis Papas]

I think that the. I think you're the whites.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Giannis Papas]

Of whites.

[Chris DiStefano]

Of whites. Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

I think, yeah. I think the generation is living in a place that doesn't exist too much of the day and it's fucking with their minds.

[Matt Rife]

Absolutely.

[Giannis Papas]

With the dopamine. Every nature is about balance. And that shit shoots dopamine up, shoots it down. It's turning everyone's mind into a gambler. Like it's gambling.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, we are the product now. It was for products, were products. But then somewhere along the line, you know, zuck somebody, I guess we have to edit that out, but somebody. But somebody should just, I mean Zuckerberg should just go to. I mean, listen, if you want to. Trump better not pardon Zuckerberg and he could. He's going to pardon Diddy and that's just what it is. But he better not. I think, I think day one he's going to do it.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, you do.

[Matt Rife]

It would be, it would be very fun.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

I mean, listen, Trump was a celebrity for a long time. He was hanging out with all those guys. Who knows, who knows, who knows?

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, what of Trump? Oh, if Trump, I mean, he was.

[Giannis Papas]

Good friends with Epstein.

[Chris DiStefano]

Did you know the conspiracy about Diddy? I think I might have said this on the pod. They think that Diddy, the reason why he's not dead in jail right now or going around getting like. Well, you haven't heard about him much is because the day before he got arrested, he sold all his celebrity sex tapes that he has with a listers for 50 million plus dollars to Saudi Arabia. So they have possession of these tapes and they got. And they. And he said, if anything happens to me, you release these puppies and supposedly let the government know. Don't fuck with me because I got. I mean, you're everybody on tape.

[Giannis Papas]

You're at that level right now. I want to give you a piece of advice. Do not have sex with anyone in anyone's house besides your own.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Do not. Do not too many cameras.

[Chris DiStefano]

And honestly, dude, just to keep it safe, just have sex with guys.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, because guys don't do that.

[Chris DiStefano]

I won't open my mouth. Nice and shut.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, I mean, look, guys are a lot safer in that area.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, dude, it's. You're going to get in trouble. It's going to be girls. But make no mistake, Matt, I won't say nothing. Your secret's safe with me, cuz I got secrets too.

[Matt Rife]

I just, I've never needed to bad enough to go to Staten Island.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I know, it's bad. Sometimes you don't even need an easy pass. You just wave the American flag and they let you. It's free, baby. Clip, clip, clip, clip. What state are you from? Clip cowboy. Oh, you're figuring Ohio.

[Matt Rife]

Also from Ohio.

[Giannis Papas]

He looks like an Ohio kid. He looks like. He looks like two minutes away from chewing on a gun.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean, he looks like a Civil War general. Yeah, right. He's got, he's got Civil War.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

But Kyrie left. He looks like he was like, oh, we got the quarterback who raped every masseuse in the country.

[Chris DiStefano]

Ohio is back though. Everybody from a home.

[Matt Rife]

What's the best Time of day to get a deal. All day with Jack in the box's all day. Big deal meal. You get to choose from four entrees like the supreme croissant and five tasty sides, plus a drink starting at $5. So hurry in or take your time. You've got all day at Jack. Every bite's a big deal.

[Chris DiStefano]

ABC Wednesdays, Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in the new family comedy Shifting Gears.

[Giannis Papas]

Dad, I'm GR and I need a place to stay until I figure out.

[Chris DiStefano]

What the rest of my life looks like. So a couple of days when his daughter moves back in. The last time you walked out that.

[Giannis Papas]

Door, you looked back at me and.

[Matt Rife]

Gave me a double bird.

[Giannis Papas]

I was 18. The double bird was how I ended all our conversations.

[Chris DiStefano]

The wheels come off.

[Giannis Papas]

Can we try to talk to each other like rational adults?

[Chris DiStefano]

Have you watched the news lately? That's not a thing anymore. New Wednesdays, 8, 7 Central on ABC.

[Matt Rife]

And stream on Hulu.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dave Chappelle.

[Matt Rife]

Everybody leaves except for Chappelle. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Have you had. Since you've gotten really, you know, big, like arenas levels, have you had a fucking nice fat bomb, like an old school bomb yet? The big. Your crowd, a big crowd. I have had a bomb. You know what I mean? Like an old school fucking bomb. Like we've all just sucked a cock.

[Matt Rife]

On a headlining show.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. Or a few minutes.

[Matt Rife]

Few minutes for sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matt Rife]

What. Where, where were we the other day was. It might have been Copenhagen.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay.

[Matt Rife]

I think Copenhagen or Liverpool. I forget what we were talking about, but I was talking about something was. It was bombing so bad for like three minutes. And I really thought I was. It was gonna turn out to something. I thought I was gonna find the punchline, like three minutes of ranting about it. And I just go, anyways.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, anyways.

[Matt Rife]

And the whole crowd, you can feel the whole crowd go, thank God, he's moving on.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right, Right.

[Matt Rife]

So I've had a moment of it, I suppose. But no, that's the. That's the best part about everything that's happening right now is like everybody's so down to have a good time.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, it's the best energy.

[Chris DiStefano]

It one of those things where once you start performing for your fans, you know, you're like. You're like comfy. It's comfy.

[Matt Rife]

That's why you can't test out new stuff. Like, I was just in Maryland last weekend and my boy Martin Amini runs. He has his own room there called room at 808 and it's all his fan base. I wasn't promoted or anything. So the room fits like 60 people. It's the best workout room probably in the entire country. Went there, worked on like 25 new minutes of material. And I love that it wasn't my crowd. Because your crowd can think whatever you say it's is funny. Sure, if they're already on your side. But going to perform for people who aren't initially there to see you, it's the best judge.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

And then we worked out of those 25 minutes. I'd say like they went from all like C plus premises to A. A minus jokes for the actual big shows at. In Maryland. It was the fucking best.

[Chris DiStefano]

Amazing, dude.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. See, I know. It's like, that's why like, sometimes, like, it's good that you were doing stand up for as long as you were before you got famous. Because these guys who get famous and then try to do standup, it. Even if they're funny and talented, it's just hard for them to work because they can never test material material because right away they're like, oh, I know this guy. Yeah, we gotta. You gotta sit and like almost incubate, you know what I mean? When nobody knows you for years. Of course, if you smile like that at me one more time, I'm gonna come over there and kiss you. No, because you've got new teeth. As Giannis calls them teeth tits. And they.

[Giannis Papas]

Dan Soder shout out Dan Soda.

[Chris DiStefano]

When An Soda said hair tips, he said hair tip. But then you gave teeth.

[Giannis Papas]

But I would never come to teeth tits without dance.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, so dance. So an alley oop from Dan Soda. The slam of teeth. When did you get your teeth tips? They are gorgeous. I was.

[Matt Rife]

I was 19.

[Chris DiStefano]

You got. Oh, wow.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, Yeah, I bought them with every. Ralphie May took me on my first ever tour with him. It was a little. It was a tour bus tour, right? He had the whole back half.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

And I stepped on the couch.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. It's what it is.

[Matt Rife]

I spent every single penny from that to get my teeth done. And then I still was on a payment plan for like six months.

[Chris DiStefano]

They are gorgeous.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Thanks, man.

[Giannis Papas]

You gotta do it, dude. It's out there. Do it. I mean, Dan Soder talks. He got hair tits, right? Cuz his hair was. He was losing his hair.

[Matt Rife]

You get a turkey.

[Giannis Papas]

Mat Lane also admits.

[Chris DiStefano]

Mat Lane has. Yeah, Mat's the only guy who can rival you bodywise.

[Matt Rife]

No, his body's fantastic.

[Chris DiStefano]

You think he's better than you?

[Matt Rife]

He's he's the hottest guy I've ever seen.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's on Juice. He. He's open. He's open about it. Mat's open about juicing.

[Matt Rife]

Huh.

[Chris DiStefano]

But you don't Juice.

[Matt Rife]

I thought he was just Italian. He's so hot.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I know.

[Matt Rife]

It's so gay. Italian.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, but he's from the Midwest too.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's Chicago kid.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. He's not even.

[Matt Rife]

He's not from New York.

[Giannis Papas]

No, he's from Chicago. And his. His real name is, like, Larry, right?

[Chris DiStefano]

Matthew.

[Giannis Papas]

Matthew.

[Matt Rife]

He changed it to Mato.

[Giannis Papas]

I think he changed it Mat. It's a good name, though.

[Matt Rife]

Before he came out or after he came out, he changed to Mat.

[Giannis Papas]

You mean out of the closet?

[Matt Rife]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

No, everyone knew. I mean, I don't.

[Chris DiStefano]

He was in. He was. He was actually. I think he was out of his womb, G. Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

I think he came out like, guys, this is my coming out party being born.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

He was like on every song.

[Giannis Papas]

He's so talented and so gay. Opera in his head.

[Chris DiStefano]

In his head, his mom would be like, matthew. And in his head, he. We go, mate.

[Giannis Papas]

That just. Yeah, like, much like gays, they're like, my name's wrong. And he fixed it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Just like when he comes into a room and he goes, this is all wrong. He went, my name's wrong.

[Chris DiStefano]

I've said it before. I've said it before and I've say. I'll say it again. In this business, we have many, many talented friends, all talent, whatever, very interesting people, just from multiple levels of talent. Matteo Lane is my most talented friend. That man can do anything you want him to do. Sing, dance, act, cook, muscles, whatever you want. Literally. My daughter, he came over once and he was holding my daughter. She was nine. She was four or five at the time. He was holding her with his left arm, just bulging biceps. Then he was making carbonara. The best pasta carbonara I've ever had in my life. He put the wooden spoon down and then was drawing her a picture of Ursula that I later jerked off to drawing her a picture of Ursula for her beautiful freehand. Just doing it while singing opera at the top of his lungs. And there's multiple times still to this day, my daughter would be like, you need to be more like Mateo. That's the key to.

[Matt Rife]

I mean, he's a Disney princess.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's the most talented man I've ever met in my life.

[Giannis Papas]

He's got the most talent of anyone. Like, pure talent, Mateo. Like, diverse, versatile talent of anyone.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's a huge Star now. But I was like, I can't even believe it took as long as it took for him, because when I saw him at an open mic once and I was like, okay, this kid, right? Everyone, obviously, this is the one.

[Giannis Papas]

But you see how the universe is balanced. All that talent. But then God made him gay, Right? Can't get out to heaven that way, unfortunately. Can't get into heaven according to you guys. Yeah, it's your, your, yeah, your thing.

[Matt Rife]

They did talk about that right before they dunked me over, they said, and can't be g.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, but so, so when you got, we never finished that story. You got baptized. How did it feel coming out of the water?

[Giannis Papas]

Out of the Smithtown water, you know?

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, it just feels wet. You just feel like you got dunked under. You get water in your nose every single time. I would imagine. I, I, I, I inhaled at least a, a quart, I would imagine. You don't, you don't. I didn't feel, like, spiritually reawakened. But you do feel, you feel good. You feel like it took a.

[Giannis Papas]

Was it a priest who did it or.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I went in somebody's backyard.

[Matt Rife]

Yes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

They have a very nice house, as most priests do.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Matt Rife]

And I went to their, I went to their service that day, and they do, like, they do baptisms at the church, but it's like big group ones, and I just didn't really want to own the pool. I didn't want to be like, taking selfies with people in a dress.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, you. That, that'd be like, Yanis.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Y.

[Giannis Papas]

The merch line, Maurita. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

So you didn't grow up religious at all?

[Matt Rife]

No, no. The only time I went to church as a kid was like, you stayed over at a friend's house who was going to church on Sunday, and they're like, well, if you stay over, you have to go to church in the morning. Like.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Be prepared to get a message from my mother, cuz she's, she, she's got you on the ropes right now. She. Because she want. Because I told, as I told Giannis, my mother's very Catholic, very religious. Giannis has been embracing Christianity a little bit more. My mom, she's got him on the ropes, and now she's going to listen to the effect. She thinks she's got you on the ropes and she's going to try to get the both of you in, in to try to get her to go in a Catholic church every Sunday.

[Giannis Papas]

I know this, I know it's not about us that I know. So there's got to be something, right? The ego is the enemy of everything. Everyone who does, like, mushrooms or DMT or whatever, they always talk about the death of the ego. And I've had that experience. I haven't done any drugs, but I've had those moments where I've been.

[Chris DiStefano]

You have done Klonopin.

[Giannis Papas]

I have done Pilates.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

I've had those moments where I've been like, oh, it's not about me. I'm thinking too much about myself.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right?

[Matt Rife]

Oh, yeah. None of it really matters.

[Giannis Papas]

Nothing's about us. It's about love.

[Matt Rife]

I would just love to find out it's a God that we've completely forgotten about. That'd be kind of cool. If you go back to like Greek mythology or something. There was like, there's hundreds of gods.

[Giannis Papas]

Could be Zeus, could be Zeus.

[Chris DiStefano]

There's this book Sapiens that. It's a beautiful book about evolution. And they say in the book Sapiens that when we were hunter gatherers, foragers, we were more agile, we had more dexterity. We were like than the, than the most advanced athlete of right now. Hunter gatherers and foragers were in much better shape, could do more things, could bend their ways and contort their bodies in ways that we never could. The injuries like slipped discs and neck problems and all that, that only comes when we start to farm. When we start about 5,000 years ago, when we started to like, grow wheat and cultivate wheat and focus on farmland and not hunting, gathering. This is when all the injuries and problems started to happen. But they said also back then is our brains were bigger then than they are now. And the only reason, the only difference between us and animals is our brains are just bigger. And it's a bigger portion of our body mass, so it's more energy. Our brain takes up more energy, so it has more computing power. So that's why we're able to be where we are. That's really like the main difference. But they also said that back because you're talking about like forgetting about gods. They said that all that happened was, is generation after generation began to farm. And then we forgot those generations after you go three, four generations of doing something one way, that generation can't possibly remember what their great, great, great, great, great, great great grandfather was doing. So it just happened so that. So it's very possible with gods that we just forgot that there was a Jesus before Jesus or Muhammad before Muhammad, because generations just stopped talking about it. And then you just pick up the new one.

[Matt Rife]

This is blowing my mind.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right There it is. Get off social media.

[Giannis Papas]

But I said, I don't think you.

[Matt Rife]

Read that on social media, though, for sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

On Elevate and Inspire, I read that they got what if you're not. Are you a reader? Do you like to read?

[Matt Rife]

No.

[Chris DiStefano]

So get this.

[Matt Rife]

Not a huge reader.

[Chris DiStefano]

Get this. Get this app Elevate. Because what they do is they give cute little summaries and cliff notes of books, and then you kind of feel like you know something, but you really don't know nothing.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Enough to talk about it on a podcast.

[Chris DiStefano]

Headlines. I'm Chrissy. Headlines.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm a headline kid. I'm a headline whore.

[Giannis Papas]

He gets half the story.

[Chris DiStefano]

I get half the story. Giannis comes in and gets the full story.

[Giannis Papas]

Is is Ohio. Columbus is nice. Columbus is doing well.

[Matt Rife]

It's a city.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. Their economy's doing well. Cleveland's in trouble.

[Chris DiStefano]

What's funny money about?

[Matt Rife]

They've been in trouble?

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

The river was on fire, dude.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. Yeah. The river on fire. It was the first major city to default on its debts in the 70s. Yeah. It's a real wasteland.

[Matt Rife]

This is an incredibly informative podcast.

[Chris DiStefano]

What's great about Columbus, Ohio. And these are chatgpt slut notes. What's funny about Columbus, Ohio, is, make no mistake, white people just came in there and killed all the Native Americans and then just named the city Columbus. Yeah, they just named it after.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Time White. That was just what it is.

[Giannis Papas]

That's just a Truth Bader Ginsburg. Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

Truth Bader Ginsburg. And it's what it is.

[Giannis Papas]

There was a lot of Native Americans there, and then it ended up being named Columbus. That's kind of just. That's kind of like pissing on the grave.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. It's a little too much.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, it's what it is. It's kind of like, you know, if they just change the entire state of Wisconsin to Trump.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Trump just came in and flipped it. He said, well, now it's called Trump.

[Matt Rife]

Do you think he'll get a statue? Statue.

[Chris DiStefano]

Trump.

[Matt Rife]

You think Trump will get a statue?

[Chris DiStefano]

I don't.

[Matt Rife]

Who got the last statue?

[Giannis Papas]

Dwyane Wade. And it's horrible. Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

It looks like Thanos.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. The last, like, presidential statue. That's a good question.

[Matt Rife]

Like national hero statue in America.

[Giannis Papas]

It's a great question, dude.

[Matt Rife]

They've made a statue in a while.

[Chris DiStefano]

They haven't made a statue in a while. I'm trying to think who. That's actually a really good Question.

[Giannis Papas]

Maybe Reagan National Airport has a statue. Reagan.

[Chris DiStefano]

Reagan in. I could see Donnie getting one.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

I could see Donnie getting one. Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Where would they put it, you think? What state?

[Giannis Papas]

I think Donald Trump would put it in his own house so he could look at it.

[Chris DiStefano]

I would say put it. Yeah, he put it in his own.

[Giannis Papas]

Bathroom and just stare.

[Chris DiStefano]

Definitely New York. Florida.

[Matt Rife]

Just like the Trump Hotel or something.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, I think so.

[Giannis Papas]

He definitely already has statues of himself up somewhere. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

A kid loves himself. I don't think Donnie T Wants war.

[Giannis Papas]

He's been cheating on his wife with himself, himself forever. He loves himself. Yeah. He kisses the mirror.

[Chris DiStefano]

Came out. Kissed that mirror.

[Matt Rife]

No, he did not.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah. He does video of him before he does any speech. He might come out and just kiss that mirror.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. Have you ever blown a kiss?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Have you ever blown a kiss to yourself in the mirror?

[Matt Rife]

No. Maybe I should.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

You have. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. You gotta do it before you go on stage and, like, you just.

[Chris DiStefano]

You just comment down.

[Giannis Papas]

Give yourself a kiss.

[Chris DiStefano]

Positive energy.

[Giannis Papas]

Get positive energy. You're the best.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, I think I would just see an eye booger.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

The show has to be canceled.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, we were. We, you know, because we know we are. You're here to promote your book, and we were going to have you sign it, but me and Giannis came in. All the pages.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. We glued it.

[Matt Rife]

Did they even give you a book?

[Chris DiStefano]

They sent us the book. And that's so funny. We just saw the COVID of you that. And we just said, well, I guess this is. This is pornhub.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah. Not enough smut as they would let.

[Chris DiStefano]

Me put in there. What's the book? The book. What. What's the. Yeah, tell us the name of it.

[Matt Rife]

It's called your mom's gonna love me, which I think she will.

[Chris DiStefano]

She will. No, she will. I'm telling you, dude, she's gonna try to convert you. And she will get.

[Matt Rife]

I might convert your mom.

[Chris DiStefano]

Seriously, Convert.

[Matt Rife]

How old is she?

[Chris DiStefano]

My mom is 63, but she's in. She's in decent shape. Hey, you want to go into it?

[Giannis Papas]

Nicest woman she's ever met in my life.

[Chris DiStefano]

She has red hair. I'm out. She's single. Yeah, I get it.

[Giannis Papas]

Ex boyfriend died of polio.

[Chris DiStefano]

Her ex boyfriend died of polio. She isn't. She's in a relationship with Jesus himself. Yeah, that's what I would say. She's in a relationship with Christ.

[Matt Rife]

All right.

[Giannis Papas]

And Donald Trump.

[Matt Rife]

Well, no, actually, she a big Trumpie.

[Chris DiStefano]

Here's the thing is. No, what I was told is that she voted Republican down the line except for the president. She left that one blank. But what she doesn't know is I came around the corner and I put it. I came like this.

[Giannis Papas]

Whoa.

[Matt Rife]

What's her name?

[Chris DiStefano]

Lynn.

[Matt Rife]

Lynn. Lynn DiStefano.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Which is. That's another ball. Ass. Baller. Ass. Shit about my mom is my mom and dad got divorced when I was one and my mom never changed her last name because she was like, I don't want you to feel like we have different last names. So she kept the last name of a man she divorced.

[Matt Rife]

No way.

[Chris DiStefano]

For me. So that's a great mom, right?

[Matt Rife]

That's pretty petty.

[Chris DiStefano]

It is, yeah. Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

I just go down that you can't get divorced unless both people sign the papers. So you can just stay divorced. You could just stay married to somebody who doesn't.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, you have to. You have to get them to sign. And that's why some people are just separated for 30 years, because one or the other will not sign the papers.

[Matt Rife]

That's insane.

[Chris DiStefano]

Especially if there's no financial gain. Like if the husband or wife, if they have a prenup or whatever and you're not going to get any. A lot of people just sign the papers so they can get the money from the. Whatever spouse has more money.

[Giannis Papas]

A lot of something I didn't know that people should know before they get married is the state that you get married in matters. Some states are have no fault divorces. Which means like, let's say I'm your wife. Right. Or your wife. I want to leave anybody out. I don't want to make you feel.

[Matt Rife]

You had to choose.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, if I had to choose, I'm the one. I'm going with the money. Yeah, the money. And then I'm marrying you in Connecticut. And then I'm gonna cheat on you and I'm gonna take half your money. So what?

[Chris DiStefano]

So what?

[Giannis Papas]

Connecticut, no fault.

[Chris DiStefano]

Connecticut.

[Giannis Papas]

I could cheat on you. I could cheat on you with your brother. I could do anything. We get divorced, no fault. You give me half. It's the most brutal thing.

[Chris DiStefano]

So you don't need a prenup or anything in Connecticut?

[Giannis Papas]

I think you could do a prenup up. I think you could do a prenup and get out of it. But if you have no prenup, I don't know. Don't quote me on that.

[Chris DiStefano]

What is New York?

[Giannis Papas]

New York. You have to. It's different. I don't know. I don't know specifically. It's not as bad as Connecticut. I know, I know Connecticut. I know a guy who this has happened to and he explained it to me about the Connecticut.

[Chris DiStefano]

He was sleeping in the back of your house.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, Connecticut is bad, dude.

[Chris DiStefano]

What?

[Giannis Papas]

It is. No, this dude is a rich, rich guy.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

And she. His wife cheated on him and now he's just paying. He's got. He's paying her for a while. They were like living in the house that he bought. I mean, it just. The story is brutal. He even got texts of her going, like, if we wait a little longer, he's going to get this big promotion job. We'll get more money. He got those. None of that matters. It's straight. You get half kid got married, I'm married.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

I also track my sleep. But this is an aura ring.

[Chris DiStefano]

Are you in a relationship?

[Giannis Papas]

Two in one.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. So if I want to cheat on my wife, I just charge my ring. That's a joke. That's a joke. That's a joke.

[Chris DiStefano]

But we will keep it in it's joke. Yeah. Are you relationship? What is it? Do we not talk about it?

[Matt Rife]

I'm super single.

[Chris DiStefano]

Super single. There you go.

[Matt Rife]

Dude, I would like to get married for sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

So you would get married?

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, I want kids. I want to be married. For sure.

[Chris DiStefano]

You would be a good dad.

[Matt Rife]

I feel like not now, but someday. Maybe like five years from now, something like that.

[Chris DiStefano]

So 30. Dude, wait, 34. 34.

[Matt Rife]

35 would be great.

[Chris DiStefano]

This kid had his first kid at like 45.

[Matt Rife]

What?

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, because listen, this is what people don't consider. People live longer now. Live longer. I mean, I love my wife. My wife, I do love my wife. She's the most important thing to me. But if I had to live with her from. Since I was 20 something, it's like, you know, it's a little long. So people live to like 80 plus now. So it's like if you get married now in your, what, 30s, just be prepared. That's the long haul.

[Chris DiStefano]

So you think getting married and having kids in the 40s.

[Giannis Papas]

I say 40s.

[Chris DiStefano]

Here's.

[Giannis Papas]

We have. We have very little advantages as men, especially today. Use the ones you got.

[Chris DiStefano]

Here's one thing I know, which is.

[Giannis Papas]

We can have men until we're 8, 80. So hold it over her head every day.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

I mean, Ari Shafir got his come clipped. Who was that?

[Chris DiStefano]

What he got vasectomy?

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, my wife, if she asked me to get a vasectomy, I'd be like, you kidding me, dude? I want to hold this over your head.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Every day. If you run your mouth, I'll go start another family.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's what it is.

[Giannis Papas]

I'll start another family.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

At 75.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Here's one with a 30 year old.

[Chris DiStefano]

Here's what.

[Giannis Papas]

It's all for good.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Here's one thing I know. Here's one thing I know. When this episode comes out, Giannis is going to get a talking to from his wife.

[Giannis Papas]

I'm gonna get a talking to him.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

She's gonna sit down.

[Chris DiStefano]

She's gonna have a word with him. Yeah. This is funny. And I hope that somebody films it. And we'll throw [e-mail] history Hyenas of Giannis, his wife giving him a talk.

[Giannis Papas]

I'm gonna get a talking to. That was bad.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

We may have to wait. We may have to cackle. That whole thing.

[Chris DiStefano]

So a big thing we like to do at what we do.

[Giannis Papas]

I'm just saying. Live, Matt. Live rife. Life for as long as you get. I'm.

[Matt Rife]

I'm going to. I also feel like I already miss the opportunity to be, like, a young parent. Right. Like, your 40s are free. They're out of the house by, like, 40, 45.

[Giannis Papas]

I.

[Chris DiStefano]

My first kid at 30. I'm. I'm 40. I'm going to. I'm still a young parent. My kids are 9 and 3.

[Matt Rife]

Oh, no. Young parent. Like 18. Like 24. 24. 25.

[Chris DiStefano]

White trash. Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Ohio.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes, Ohio. In Ohio.

[Matt Rife]

But then you get like, all of your 40s completely free. Like, there's a strategy to that. I'm about to be 30, so I've missed the young portion, but I still have, like, a solid 10 years old of, like, feeling really good, I think.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes.

[Matt Rife]

So it's like, why not enjoy that?

[Giannis Papas]

And then.

[Matt Rife]

Then I can settle down.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, because you haven't made a bad decision yet.

[Matt Rife]

Not one.

[Giannis Papas]

You got sample the table a little bit.

[Matt Rife]

I'm definitely not sampling any tables. No, the tables cannot be trusted.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right, where we go? Because we. Maddie's got to go.

[Giannis Papas]

We got to promote his book.

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, he just did it.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And I said that. We came in it.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, we did come in it. Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

We are auctioning off that cop.

[Chris DiStefano]

We glued in his book.

[Giannis Papas]

But it's a. Your mom will love you. It's about your life. What's it about?

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, it's a bit of a memoir.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

It's kind of like being on a little bit of a first date and a comedy show.

[Giannis Papas]

You know, you're Fucking successful when you write a memoir. 29 years old.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, you know, I get asked about that. And the point being, it's like, yeah, you don't write a memoir to, like, 70, 80 years old. But, like, so much has happened that give a lot of context as to who I am, where I come from, and, like, what's going on with me right now. That would kind of do it. Injustice to. To summarize it in two chapters, 50 years.

[Giannis Papas]

Are there any pictures in there for Chrissy to enjoy?

[Matt Rife]

No, but I'll send you one.

[Chris DiStefano]

Thank you, baby.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Well, we have said what you could turn into a bookmark.

[Chris DiStefano]

We shared the same feature act for years. Don DePeta. Shout out. Don DePetta.

[Matt Rife]

Shout out.

[Giannis Papas]

Don Depetta's for the table.

[Chris DiStefano]

Donnie Tsunami.

[Giannis Papas]

He's a feature for the table.

[Chris DiStefano]

Every time I go to la, I still sleep in that kid's house. I don't get a hotel. I sleep over Donnie's house. And we talk about the life with.

[Matt Rife]

Matt R. We got super high and went and saw Greta Van Fleet at the. The Greek Theater. Was incredible.

[Chris DiStefano]

She's the best. Is that a guy?

[Matt Rife]

It's a group of guys.

[Chris DiStefano]

Oh, I didn't know. She sounds hot.

[Giannis Papas]

And you had John Campanelli open for you for a little.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, you know, camp.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, I love that guy. He's a great guy, and he had nothing but great things to say about you.

[Matt Rife]

Oh, I love him, man. He's such a good comment.

[Chris DiStefano]

Jesse, do you have the printouts of the stuff? So what we do is. I know we know you got to go in a few minutes. Is what we do is at the end of Every [e-mail] history ienas, we encourage our. Our fans to make funny names. Like they, you know, when they sign up, you know, you get content, you get, you know, bonus footage, bonus episodes and all that. But then they make these names that are funny, and then the ones that Giannis will say, we have a list of the funniest ones, and then at the end, we pick basically the winner. We call it the Pseudo Penis of the Week. Because hyenas have pseudo penises. Hyenas?

[Matt Rife]

Really?

[Chris DiStefano]

They give birth out of their penis?

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

So we picked the Pseudo Penis of the Week, and we'll just do a few because we know you got to go. But we, like, you can get involved and tell us some of these.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, you vote with me. We'll figure out. We'll both figure out which ones are for funny.

[Matt Rife]

Simple enough.

[Chris DiStefano]

So we're going to Start off with this list again at patreon.com historyaina is the only way to sign up. Get your name read, and it's a beautiful thing. And hopefully, you know, you guys hear your name read and. And it gets a laugh at Aani. Okay, let's start off. Starting off with a banger. We got Pocahontas Was a way Sean Chi.

[Matt Rife]

Start off strong.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is that on the list?

[Giannis Papas]

Okay. Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, so what Drexler means is. Drexler means it's close to being on the list.

[Matt Rife]

How many get on the list?

[Chris DiStefano]

As many. As many as are good.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Matt Rife]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

But what Drexler means is Clyde Drexler played in the era of Michael Jordan.

[Giannis Papas]

So almost good enough.

[Chris DiStefano]

Almost good enough. He would have been great had Jordan not been there. This is a name. This would have been great, but okay. Not for this list.

[Giannis Papas]

And a chicken. A chicken finger is a good, simple one. Yeah, but it's not on the list.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, then we got Colonial Tom Eats Glue for a good cause.

[Giannis Papas]

What do you think, Matt?

[Matt Rife]

It's not my favorite. Oh, it's not my favorite. My favorite.

[Giannis Papas]

We're gonna. We're gonna let Maddie lead this.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. We're gonna let Maddie trade you.

[Giannis Papas]

Give him a Drex or. No.

[Matt Rife]

Not even a dress?

[Giannis Papas]

No, not even a dress. Wow. Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Dummy got straight to the back because I'm a frigate.

[Matt Rife]

Wait, what? Read it again.

[Chris DiStefano]

He wanted to say. You know, he wanted to say, but he's just. He. Sometimes he said this guy was skating. He was skating around. He was skating.

[Giannis Papas]

He was on the ice.

[Chris DiStefano]

He was on the ice. So we say the kids on the ice. He was just skating around. He didn't say that word. But he came close. He said frigate and straight to the.

[Giannis Papas]

Back means I'm here for the content.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm here for the content.

[Giannis Papas]

I'm just coming like, you know the old video stories used to have the porn in the back.

[Matt Rife]

Yes.

[Giannis Papas]

So they're going straight to the back. I'm just here for the content. I don't. I don't want to give a name.

[Matt Rife]

So many different avenues of terminology with you. Yeah, but that's cool to keep up.

[Giannis Papas]

But that's.

[Chris DiStefano]

But that's what these fans, the real fans, they know they make. They make these names. All right, then we got Josh Povey. Straight to the back, regular name Daniel99, Nathan Graham. Then we got Mermaids and Me, LLC.

[Giannis Papas]

Screwed in. Screwed in.

[Chris DiStefano]

So screwed in means the kid is. He's a screwed in. He's smart. He's got his Yarmulke screwed on, tied to his head. He's thinking big business.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

He's just not even thinking of a funny name. He's writing his business out here. So our fans here at Mermaids and Me, llc.

[Matt Rife]

He just screwed in.

[Chris DiStefano]

So he screwed in.

[Giannis Papas]

Tighten his Yamaka.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Mitchie the Crowd.

[Giannis Papas]

Which.

[Chris DiStefano]

Is just a German.

[Giannis Papas]

German kid. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Jennifer. Then we got Doza. The fat, fat fascist.

[Giannis Papas]

The fat, fat fascist. Yeah. Whatever Matt Rife likes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Good. I like it.

[Matt Rife]

I like that one.

[Giannis Papas]

Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Not on the list, though.

[Giannis Papas]

Not on the list.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay.

[Matt Rife]

I haven't had a definitive on the list.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right, we're going to get how many.

[Matt Rife]

How many are we. Are we reading?

[Chris DiStefano]

We'll just read the first page because you got to go.

[Matt Rife]

Yeah, I just want to know how many. Many I should make. How many I'm gonna have to choose from. I don't want none to be.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean, literally, typically on Episodes, we'll read off 200 of them. But we're not going to do that with you. You got to go. We'll read one page, and then we'll see. All right, then we got Dan. Central Jersey is real allies. Brett Porter. Ryan Moulton, Steve Nese. Daniel L. James Metcalf. Then we got North Korean Barbershop Talk 6. Millie My Willie.

[Matt Rife]

That's on the list for me. That's a lot of work. Yeah, that's a longest name.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. Costa, Dylan P. Kristen Holmes. Then we got Tony's floating island of $3 bills. $3 bills is his term for gay kids because Donnis's father used to. Older generation. That guy's gay.

[Giannis Papas]

He's as gay as a $3 bill.

[Matt Rife]

Very funny. So that might be a list for me.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, so there we go. We have to enlist Eric Leone, Robert Miranda. Then we got a fat Samoan kid with a piece that's on Ozempic. He's just describing who is. He's fatty. Simone's got a big dick, and he's epic.

[Giannis Papas]

I like it.

[Chris DiStefano]

You like it?

[Matt Rife]

I like it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Matt's putting out. That's a good list. Heather, George. Smith, Adam. Then we got Donnie Juju Train, AKA Donnie Screw Train. Victim of a bad read. I apologize.

[Giannis Papas]

Still good, though.

[Chris DiStefano]

Still good.

[Giannis Papas]

Screw Train.

[Chris DiStefano]

Donnie juju Train, AKA Donnie Screw Screw Train.

[Matt Rife]

It's a Drexler for me.

[Chris DiStefano]

Drexler. Okay. Then we got Thelonious Florido. That's just a funny regular name.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Nick the Greek Squeak Freak. Yaya officially lost her marbles. And Chrissy D. Tucks it back.

[Matt Rife]

I mean, the last one's on the list for sure.

[Giannis Papas]

For sure. Right?

[Chris DiStefano]

The. The end of it. Got him on the list.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Parker Deers, Bjorn. Then we got Spamon Garden. Super fan.

[Giannis Papas]

That's hilarious.

[Chris DiStefano]

Spamon Gardens is a famous pizzeria in Brooklyn. So he just. He's shouting out he screwed in.

[Matt Rife]

Screwed in.

[Chris DiStefano]

Harris, Donnie, Justin M. Horse Package, Kel Dubs. Then we got. I'm like Yanni on clan's going after your mommy's punani on the list, right? Put him on the list.

[Giannis Papas]

I'd have to add contender there you got Fender.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got loaded Brotato. That's funny. Alex Conry. Then we got Farrank Bill Al Fumarani. Okay. Then we got. Got a character stuck in my piece.

[Giannis Papas]

Wait, that.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah, yeah. Then we got Benjamin nutting on you. That's.

[Matt Rife]

That's a good one.

[Chris DiStefano]

I like that. Nothing on you. Might. Might. I mean, we're have to circle that.

[Giannis Papas]

One because he's limited on time. Let's just go. We know the two contenders.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, so Brandon Mc Ogpoc, William James Eisman. Then we got Christy and Cassidy, Twin fumes and identical naturals. Okay. Bum Bum Man. Brandon. Then we got Jack Canovos. Thomas Moore, Crimson Glory. Father $3 Bill Clinton. Whoa. Yuri Manor.

[Giannis Papas]

That's good.

[Chris DiStefano]

But Father $3 Bill Clinton. But I think I'm going to those two. I'm going to name the list ones just to name it. Got North Korean barbershop talk. 6 Millie My Will Tony's floating islands of three dollar bills. A fat Samoan kid with the piece that's on Ozempic. Chrissy D. Tucks it back. Then we got. I'm like Yanni on clown. He's going after your mommy's punanis. And then the big, big one is Benjamin nutting on you.

[Giannis Papas]

Oh. So I for me. And then I'll let Matt vote for me. It's gonna be Benjamin. I'm not on you.

[Chris DiStefano]

Right.

[Giannis Papas]

Is the winner.

[Chris DiStefano]

But Benjamin not on you. That's a smart one because you got to know Benjamin Netanyahu. You got to know a lot of creativity of that. But he likes that. He likes. But Yanni's kind of a scholarship kind of a gay kid. But what do you think, Matt, you're the guest. You picked this one.

[Matt Rife]

Oh, it's. It's a. It's such a tie between Benjamin nutting on you and fat Samoan fat.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, what do you want to do? It's up to you. You're the deciding vote.

[Giannis Papas]

You're the deciding vote. We're going to give it to you. My vote doesn't even count.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

But this is fun for the fans, cuz. Matt, call them the ppw. That's big for.

[Giannis Papas]

It's big.

[Matt Rife]

I don't have the winner calling in.

[Giannis Papas]

It's a.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's health care.

[Matt Rife]

You've been declined.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. What do we got?

[Matt Rife]

Read them one more time.

[Chris DiStefano]

Both of them. Fat Samoan kid with a piece that's on OIC or Benjamin nutting on you.

[Matt Rife]

I'm going fast. Simone. I feel like it's all. It's also. It's also.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's what it is.

[Matt Rife]

Screwed in. He's putting it all out. It could be a business move.

[Chris DiStefano]

Could be a business.

[Matt Rife]

He's letting you know I'm working on my body. But also that's what it is.

[Chris DiStefano]

You heard it here first. The rumors aren't true. Matt is pro Palestine.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

But it is anti Israel. Matt R. Thank you for coming.

[Giannis Papas]

Right.

[Chris DiStefano]

The kids book. See him on tour, if you can get in. God willing. Love you, Matt. Thanks for coming out, baby.

[Giannis Papas]

Thanks.

[Chris DiStefano]

Appreciate it.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, this was great.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right, guys, listen. Here's the truth. We're going to just read off some Patreon names because we disagree with Matt Rice. Pick of the people.

[Giannis Papas]

He picked the wrong one.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. And we know you guys are probably mad at us, so. So we said let's just give the fans what they want and let's do the list.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. Benjamin. What is it? Benjamin.

[Chris DiStefano]

Benjamin nutting on you.

[Giannis Papas]

It's the winner.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's the winner. And he wrote. And he didn't write nothing. Wrote nothing. Like come.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. I mean, that is one of the most creative ones we had.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. So we'll just pop this right in after Matt leaves. All right, so we got Kguan Briggs, Heath, chase Templeton, Austin McFerrin, Jim Galini. Then we got. Suck it before I tuck it. Kirby Puckett.

[Giannis Papas]

Put him on the list.

[Chris DiStefano]

List, baby.

[Giannis Papas]

That's the Minnesota Twin player. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Rip, Daniel Rojas, Caroline Greening. Then we got an FF coming at you in a different way. Sean Chian.

[Giannis Papas]

This is a direct slip.

[Chris DiStefano]

Like it?

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, like it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Q tip. Stephen Ali.

[Giannis Papas]

It could be the real Q. Q tip?

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Megan Holmes. Nikki wears jerseys to church.

[Giannis Papas]

Put her on the list.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Is that her?

[Chris DiStefano]

Might be a guy. I think he's wearing baseball jersey.

[Giannis Papas]

Church, what about the list?

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Sir Stromstead, Michael Hemphill, Soy Chase Fury. Then we got. It's been a Minute. The situation is now. The commitment. Okay. Walked into one. But. But it's positive.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, it's positive.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's positive.

[Giannis Papas]

So we'll say, yeah, it's positive.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Not on the list.

[Giannis Papas]

I'll give him a Drexler. It's pos.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's positive. I thought I walked into one, but I walked into something positive.

[Giannis Papas]

Walked into something positive.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Andrew Gonzalez. Thomas Murphy. Then we got Chrissy the Bug Chaser. Michael Moritz. Jack Leerca. Wesley Leonardo Cruz. Matt Moore. Then we got Mustard Goblin. Christian Lopez.

[Giannis Papas]

Chicken figure for the Mustard Goblin.

[Chris DiStefano]

Mustard Goblin.

[Matt Rife]

Chicken figure.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. We like that. Lucas Ko. Jaden Andalis. Then we got Elon Musk. Elon Musky Tusk. Okay.

[Giannis Papas]

Okay. It's good. Try.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Down Under Kisser.

[Giannis Papas]

Chicken Finger.

[Chris DiStefano]

Chicken Finger. Then we got Don's Old rump Likes Kamala Hairless.

[Giannis Papas]

Good one, good one, good one. Drexler. Good. Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Cameron Miller. Brooke B. 46. Then we got Mayor Pete Booty Cheeks. 20, 28.

[Giannis Papas]

Very good. Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Put it in the Buddha cheeks. Geass. Then we got Baby Gorgeous. And B A. B I. Gorgeous.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. Chicken figure for the nostalgia.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Queen Laquifa.

[Giannis Papas]

Queen Laquifa.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

You know, if it wasn't for the Queefa.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sutherland. Right.

[Giannis Papas]

So it's Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

But also too. By the way, we really doubt because these. All these fans are connected Tuesdays with stories.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, they say that all the time.

[Chris DiStefano]

Norman calls himself Queef or Sutherland.

[Giannis Papas]

So put this one on the list.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. So we're getting on the list.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, you get on the list now, Queen Laquiefa.

[Chris DiStefano]

You were off the list. Now you're on the list.

[Giannis Papas]

Now you're on the list. List.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Travis French. Then we got Border Jumper with a Drexler piece.

[Giannis Papas]

List.

[Chris DiStefano]

Wow.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. A Drexler piece is hilarious.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yes. Dean Annabel. Then we got Yanni's Yankee Doodle. Then we got the N means Glue Gun leaks when she's for Rome. Or this na means yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. This black kid who's. When he's with a hot chick.

[Chris DiStefano]

I appreciate it. Yeah. Jabber Jams. Then we got Yuri Declissimo. Captain Blood Farts. Then we got Queef Latina.

[Giannis Papas]

Queef Latina.

[Chris DiStefano]

We got Queen Laquefa. And then Queef Latina.

[Giannis Papas]

These guys are going for the Queefs because the queef won last week. It is.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. So that's what they're smart. They're saying, this. This is the winner. This.

[Giannis Papas]

Screwed in. Screwed in. But you got to Try to be original.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay.

[Giannis Papas]

But good, Good stuff.

[Chris DiStefano]

Andrew Heenan. Amanda Buckner. Seymour Butts. Okay.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Nick Gonzalez, Randy. Then we got the Furious Fumes trapped inside a tiny bot.

[Giannis Papas]

Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Twit Skies. Then we got. Danny sucked one dick, now I'm a Democrat. D'Amico.

[Giannis Papas]

Put him on the list. Okay, yeah, funny. Funny factor.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Greg. Then we got. How'd you get the Beans above the Franks?

[Giannis Papas]

Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Drexler. Then we got Heywood Jablomi.

[Giannis Papas]

Heywood Jablomi. Funny.

[Chris DiStefano]

Anthony X. Jack Devlin. Lyn C. Then we got Ian Burns. Went on Pan. I think I made a. Oh, no to Carlo.

[Giannis Papas]

Put him on the list.

[Chris DiStefano]

Wow, we got a lot of list. List heavy. Yeah. And there's no clear contender.

[Giannis Papas]

No contender yet.

[Chris DiStefano]

Jeannie, Doug, Frankie, Mike, Chad Guevara. Then we got Kevin Paul Fahey. Then we got Father Bill spilling glue on my nice tile floors.

[Giannis Papas]

Okay. I've been Drex with that, my big.

[Chris DiStefano]

Fat Greek ass puss.

[Giannis Papas]

Put them on the list.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, it's a possible contender.

[Chris DiStefano]

Anthony Morrison. Alan Carnarza. Robert Van Divner. Then we got Six, eight, Squeak.

[Giannis Papas]

Six, eight, squeak.

[Chris DiStefano]

Interesting.

[Giannis Papas]

Big squeak.

[Chris DiStefano]

Bianca Chima. She sounds like a piece. Graham Cassidy. Jankowski, Warner, Thompson gp. Then we got Roses. Straight to the back. Parks.

[Giannis Papas]

We had that.

[Chris DiStefano]

We've had that.

[Giannis Papas]

We had that. Three years. We've had that in the first round.

[Chris DiStefano]

It's a great one.

[Giannis Papas]

It's a great one. But we've had that one because it's so good. I remember it.

[Chris DiStefano]

We had that.

[Giannis Papas]

So what do you do in that situation?

[Chris DiStefano]

I say we just. We. We acknowledge it's from the First Reich, but we just move on.

[Giannis Papas]

You're from the First Reich? Yeah, unfortunately.

[Chris DiStefano]

Brian and Costa. Then we got. It's Yanni P. Watching Chrissy Take D. Yas Drax.

[Giannis Papas]

A good one.

[Chris DiStefano]

Mary O'Neal. Diego Jizzy. Locus Magoo. David McMahon. Dylan Bouchard, Jason. Then we got. The more coke I consume, the more I support Israel. Parentheses, I'm gay.

[Giannis Papas]

Drexler. He should have just left. The more coke I consumed, the more I support Israel.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Martin Lewis, the Fifth. Then we got. My Painter's Glue Gun. Fills me with Swiss Coffee.

[Giannis Papas]

Okay, okay, okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, dad. Then we got Mark Zuckerberger. Okay, okay, okay. Then we got Joey B. Who else? Nate Camarillo. Be Stein. Visuals. Adam Kyle Cartier. Hilly B. Zach Drees. Then we got. Father Bill. Checked my oil. Okay, hold. Hold on. Father Bill checked my oil, so I banged his daughter on US soil. Drextler Philip Garrett. Then we got this FF wants to put my franks and beans in AOC's Latinx ass. Okay.

[Giannis Papas]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Eugene Bledsoe. Then we got Chrissy's. No, no Home Zone. Okay. Then we got. Let me see that. PhD. Make no mistake, PhD stands for pretty huge things Dick. Okay.

[Giannis Papas]

Put him on the list.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right. Or it could be a girl.

[Giannis Papas]

It could be a girl. Yeah, could be a girl.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Dane Zook. Then we got a hot Mesopotamia, JP Fernandez. Greg Raar. William Johnson, Christopher Darl, Dylan W. Then we got the ghost of Patrick Swayze. Oh, that's nice.

[Giannis Papas]

That's real. Yeah, that's funny. Drexler for that chicken finger.

[Chris DiStefano]

Amanda Pearl. Then we got half a Jamaican called Leroy with a mean toy.

[Giannis Papas]

Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. Liam Harrington. Then we got the Oregon Cucks. Like the ducks.

[Giannis Papas]

The ducks.

[Chris DiStefano]

Justin Lennon, Chris Monroe. Then we got Robbie Hyena Blood. Easy. Like a Fumes Day Morning.

[Giannis Papas]

Good one. That's a. That's on the. That's on the border of a Drexler on the list. What do you think?

[Chris DiStefano]

Robbie Hyena Blood. Easy. Lack of Fumes Day Morning. I think it's original. I would put them on.

[Giannis Papas]

Put them on the list.

[Chris DiStefano]

Joseph Cianci, Ryan Gareth, Jake Amarilino, Brett True. Tracked. Then we got Bowling Night podcast. Screwed in.

[Giannis Papas]

Screwed in Fum.

[Chris DiStefano]

Marlon Brando, if we had that.

[Giannis Papas]

No, that's a good one. Put him on the list.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. Marlon Brando.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, that's a good one.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Father Bill's cum shot Turned Chrissy straight.

[Giannis Papas]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Horse Monkey from Kentucky. Chicken Finger Pat, Holly Martin, Daniel Houghton, Heater Deleter. Then we got I Eat Slut booty cream cheese, Yas Queen Leader Queen Ladder 14.

[Giannis Papas]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Sorry, bad read.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. Walt, it's a mouthful.

[Chris DiStefano]

Nikki in the Fog. I'll take you both physically.

[Giannis Papas]

Okay.

[Chris DiStefano]

Patty Fly balls in Yanni's FF Mouth. Drexler, James Ralph Sanchez. Then we got Splitting toots like Firewood Cousins, Christian Devoe. Then we got Billy K. Went full blown gay. Then we got Yanni. Sucked the balls like Suzuki. Sauce overflow in the gyro.

[Giannis Papas]

These are all Drexlers.

[Chris DiStefano]

Lindsay Patrick Martin. We'll do one more page.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And then we got hummus tunnels. Not bad, not bad. Put them on a list.

[Matt Rife]

Okay. Not bad.

[Chris DiStefano]

Hummus tunnels.

[Giannis Papas]

Those are in. Yeah, Those are Hamas tunnels.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Hamas says Hamas tunnels. You put hummus tunnel?

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Tommy Chooch, Noah Plumridge. Gm. Then we got Emily Danehower, Father Smith, Casey Lowry. Then we got Fuzzy Wuzzy. Was a muzzy. Donnie Lanchodi's. Then we got. Wife calls me Cutie with a gluey. It's plain and simp.

[Giannis Papas]

Oh, plain and simp. Remember Plain and simp.

[Chris DiStefano]

Plain and simp. Antoine Bergen. Then we got Chrissy Freeze. AKA Catholic Cuzzy. Then we got Moms a whop dad. Suzuki. I shoot feta ravioli out of my pee pee dread. Okay, then we got Skyler Cudney. Pocket full of three dollar bills. Anthony Gallo. Hope you read my name before I get deported. Rodriguez.

[Giannis Papas]

Put him on the list. That's a contender.

[Chris DiStefano]

That's a contender.

[Giannis Papas]

That's a contender.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, then we got Dick fingers.

[Giannis Papas]

Chicken finger.

[Chris DiStefano]

Yeah. Matt Shannon. Ben Simon. Then we got Zach Attack. Spray those white ropes on my back.

[Giannis Papas]

Okay. Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Half white, half franks and beans full, two big pastrami. Then we got Vagina penis boobs.

[Giannis Papas]

Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

I mean these are 40, 40, 50 year old kids names like this. Then we got Kyle Wilson, Jams. Then we got. Call me Timmy. Tuck it back because the boys are back. Yeah, Addie. Then we got Pete Buddha Plug.

[Giannis Papas]

Pete Buddha Plug. Yeah, funny, funny.

[Chris DiStefano]

Drexler, Emma, Richard. Then we got. Yep, I'm gay.

[Giannis Papas]

Chicken Finger.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got. Cuz my family hasn't seen me this happy in four years. Nunu Cujo.

[Giannis Papas]

Appreciate it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Katie Binder. Melinda Mike. Andrew Reagan. Soft serve Marathon. Aim for the belly, but doesn't go past the bush. Then we got Trey Fratelli. Laser Beam. Harris Lord Gunner. 69420. Then we got stall the wall. The BE Mexameltz is back. Donnie T. Works for me. Okay. Patrick. Brendan Swike. Jason. Adam Colterio. Jason Littman. John Defile. And then last but not least, we got Father Bill. Scratch my Leroy. Now I go by Big Mike.

[Giannis Papas]

Okay, Drexler. All right, all right. We got it. We got some. All right, I think I know who it is.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right, here we go. But I'll just read the name. So. Okay, so we got. We will start with. We got Hummus Tunnel. Tunnels.

[Giannis Papas]

Hummus tunnels. A contender.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. Hope you read my name before I get deported. Rodriguez.

[Giannis Papas]

Contender.

[Chris DiStefano]

This is the contender page. Then we got Robbie Hyena Blood. Easy like a fumesday morning.

[Giannis Papas]

Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Drexler.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got. Let me, let me chat. Let me see that. PhD. Make no mistake, PhD stands for pretty huge Dick.

[Giannis Papas]

Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Drexler. Then we got Queen Laquifa.

[Giannis Papas]

Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Border jumper with a Drexler piece.

[Giannis Papas]

Contender.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, we got the contender. Hold on. Then we Got Danny sucked one dick. Now I'm a Democrat. To Miko.

[Giannis Papas]

It's funny. It's Drexler, unfortunately. Yeah. We got three contenders.

[Chris DiStefano]

Ian Burns. When I'm pn, I think I made a. Oh, no.

[Giannis Papas]

To Carlo Drexler. Funny.

[Chris DiStefano]

We got My Big Fat Greek Ass. Four contenders now. Okay, so here we go. That's the contender page. Then we got. Suck it before I tuck it. Kirby Pucket.

[Giannis Papas]

Contender.

[Chris DiStefano]

Wow.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. We got five contenders. This is. This is not a clear winner here, guys.

[Chris DiStefano]

Then we got Nikki. We're. Nikki wears. What is it? Nikki wears jerseys to church.

[Giannis Papas]

That's a chicken finger.

[Chris DiStefano]

Chicken finger. Okay, so here are the contenders.

[Giannis Papas]

Yes.

[Chris DiStefano]

Suck it before I tuck it. Kirby Puckett, border jumper with a Drexler piece. My big fat Greek ass. Pussy Hummus tunnels. Or Hope you read my name before I get deported. Rodriguez.

[Giannis Papas]

These are all great.

[Chris DiStefano]

I know, but you gotta pick one. That's the thing.

[Giannis Papas]

I. It started out, I was like, oh, there's no clear contender. Now you're reading all those, and I'm going, those are all great.

[Chris DiStefano]

These might be the most contenders we've ever had.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, that's a lot of contenders. That's what.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'll read it one more time. You. Hummus Tunnels. Hope you read my name before I get deported. Rodriguez.

[Giannis Papas]

Okay, hold on. Let's. Drexler Hunters to Hummus Tunnels. Unfortunately, any other day.

[Chris DiStefano]

Hope you read my name before I get to port. Rodriguez is still in.

[Giannis Papas]

That's still in.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, suck it before I talk to Kirby Puckett. God, that's still in. Okay, all right. That's still in. And then Ford a jumper with a Drexler piece.

[Giannis Papas]

Drexler. I hate to do it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay, so that's. I hate to draw. They're out.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, I hate to do it. Do it.

[Chris DiStefano]

Danny sucked one dick. Now I'm a Democrat demo.

[Giannis Papas]

Okay, I hate to do it. But that's funny.

[Chris DiStefano]

He only sucked one dick.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah. He's got to be Drexler.

[Chris DiStefano]

Okay. Ian Burns. I'm sorry. My Big Fat Greek Ass Contender. Contender still. Okay.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

All right, so the contenders are. My big fat Greek ass. My big fat Greek ass. Hope you read my name before I get deported. Deported Rodriguez. And suck it before I talk to Kirby Pocket.

[Giannis Papas]

Okay, those are three good ones. I need help with these. We got three guys in here. So what do you guys like out of those three?

[Chris DiStefano]

Suck it before I talk at Kirby Pucket. Hope you read my name before I get deported. Rodriguez. Or my big fat Greek ass. To me, it's not for those two, the deported one and the ass. I'm going ass. Ass.

[Giannis Papas]

One.

[Chris DiStefano]

Ass. Oh, deported.

[Giannis Papas]

So I'm.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're gonna. Yeah. Cuz I can't vote.

[Giannis Papas]

You. You can vote.

[Chris DiStefano]

I'm just the reader.

[Giannis Papas]

So what is that, 2 to 1 1?

[Chris DiStefano]

Well, no, but you make a deciding thing, right? Also then on this one I'll have to vote.

[Giannis Papas]

You're going to have to vote. Cuz I'm going to go. I'm going to go deported.

[Chris DiStefano]

You're going to go two.

[Giannis Papas]

Two. And it's. You're the deciding vote. I think suck at Kirby Pucket got short, but you guys, it's a vote.

[Chris DiStefano]

So it's a vote and it's between. Hope you read my name before I get to Porter Rodriguez and my Big fat Greek ass.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, one of them's funnier just because it's a chicken finger funny. And the other one is funny and inventive and one.

[Chris DiStefano]

And here's why. Even though I think they're both amazing. The thing is we've had a lot of Deported Rodriguez. We've had a lot of that. And my big fat Greek ass pussy. We've had a lot of ass pussy. But we haven't had this combo of my big fat Greek ass. This guy combined multiple characters.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, he. He did. Yeah.

[Chris DiStefano]

And he kind of threw it all around. So I'm gonna have to go with my big fat Greek ass as the ppw. Although hope you read my name before I get to Puerto Rodriguez. You got real talent. If you want to make another name, I'm sure you could do even better. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Giannis Papas]

So congratulations. Also, shout out to Benjamin.

[Chris DiStefano]

Nothing on you.

[Giannis Papas]

Not Yahoo. That was really the best one.

[Chris DiStefano]

That was the best.

[Giannis Papas]

I think we just up. I think we just. We. Yeah, I think we just put that one as a ppw.

[Chris DiStefano]

Just put. Okay, so we're gonna have two ppws.

[Giannis Papas]

Yeah, we put that on.

[Chris DiStefano]

Go to History. That's just wasn't right matches. Wasn' right. Go to historyinusback.com to see your PPW up there. Got the merch up there. We got everything up there. And yeah. Patreon.com history if you want to get involved. And we got a great bonus episode up there right now.