Substances and Snowballs | History Hyenas

Summary

History Hyenas: "Substances and Snowballs"

Hosts: Chris Distefano & Yannis Pappas
Release Date: February 27, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this high-energy, off-the-rails episode of History Hyenas, Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas take a break from strict history topics, letting loose with their signature blend of wild humor and personal confessions. The main theme circles personal struggles, midlife reinvention, the role of substances in daily survival, and the comic value of self-sabotage, all seen through the lens of two comedians with a deep affection for each other and their audience. From failed sitcoms, snowball fights with cops, real estate anxieties, and navigating life's "corners" with edibles, the duo spiral through bits both vulnerable and outrageous, riffing on relationships, identity, and their uniquely wild fanbase.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Edibles & Escapism: Substances as Life Foam

• Chris admits upfront he’s taken a 10mg edible, dubbing himself “Eddie Destefano” for this episode (02:23).

"The energy that you're sensing is a little thing called 10 milligrams of THC. I'm on inedible. We call it an Eddie, you're not. It's not Chris Deano, it's Eddie destefano." – Chris (02:23)

• Yannis riffs on how substances “foam up the corners” of life, making things less painful (02:57).

"So what you do with the substances is you just round up, you put a little foam on the corners. The corners of life are foamed up so you don't bang into them." – Yannis (02:57)

• The discussion evolves into how both are now of the age where substances are a valuable tool for blunting anxiety and existential dread (06:23).

2. Greek & Puerto Rican Parallels

• The duo joke about ethnicity, declaring Greeks "the Puerto Ricans of Europe," discussing the similarities between "upa" (Greek) and "wepa" (Puerto Rican) as joy/celebration words (05:53).

"You're the closest white people to Puerto Ricans... If there's different shades of white, then Greek is Puerto Rican brown." – Chris (05:40)
"We are the Puerto Ricans of Europe." – Yannis (05:55)

3. Obsessing Over Emma Stone & Greek Kinks

• Yannis and Chris take gleeful aim at the actor-director relationship between Emma Stone and Yorgos Lanthimos, roasting the repeated S&M themes and play-acting a phone call between them (04:17).

"Every movie that she is in with him. This girl is getting like defiled. She. I mean, he's actually living my dream. Watched her get..." – Yannis (05:19)

4. Financial Anxiety, Real Estate Hell, and Shady Life Decisions

• Chris reveals his tendency to buy or rent multiple homes, jump from one real estate agent to another, and pursue external solutions for internal problems (20:36–22:17).

"You probably each one of them has been the perfect house for a different reason, but you've got an internal problem. You're looking for external answers." – Ryan Serhant (relayed by Chris, 20:36)

• The hosts mock the classic "Long Island" lifestyle markers (bagels, chains) and local mediums (09:34–10:24).

5. Sitcom & Showbiz Woes: Celebrate Failure

• Chris laments his failed ABC sitcom pilot, reflecting on his 0-for-14 record with pilots (22:23), but sees hope and inspiration in these “failures” leading to new creative projects like the podcast:

"Guess what happened the last time I didn't get a pilot. Guess what happened? We started History hyenas." – Chris (22:51)

• They joke about potential new sitcom titles: “It’s Not an External Problem. It’s an Internal Problem” and “My Uncle’s a Cat Judge” (22:10–25:13).

6. The Escapist Lifestyle & Living Outside Reality

• Chris describes feeling most comfortable in extradimensional spaces (Berlin summers, snow walks) and emphasizes that "reality is a suggestion" (18:59).
• The theme recurs: both hosts joke about finding ways, via substances and life choices, to avoid or bend reality to their advantage.

7. Circle of Friendship: Role Assignments & Personality Differences

• There’s playful analysis of their social group – personalities like Nick and Jesse – examining differences in structure, spontaneity, and the need for stimulation via routines or substances (31:20–33:09).

"Jesse's a guy who, if you take the structure for him, he needs substances." – Yannis (32:29)

• Chris admits to relying on novelty, sometimes to his own detriment, as a way to stave off boredom during his first long break from the road in years (44:44).

8. Fanbase Appreciation & Patreon Bits

• Both express gratitude for their fiercely loyal audience, emphasizing the podcast’s creative freedom and how fans support their ability to be themselves (45:25–46:08).
• They do extended riffing on fan-submitted Patreon names, ranking and crowning "Twinkerbell" as the winner, demonstrating the wild, no-holds-barred style of their community (51:35–68:17).

9. Regional Comedy Observations & Travel Tales

• Yannis gives a scathing-yet-humorous report on Bakersfield, CA (39:14–41:16), describing it as a right-wing, Mexican-majority oil town with a strange cultural climate.

"It's an oil town... so close to Los Angeles, but yet so far. Far, far to the right of it." – Yannis (39:14)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

On Substances and Life:

• "I like you on substances because I know you're a guy that likes to do a little something to the corners." (02:40)
• "So what you do with the substances is you just round up, you put a little foam on the corners." (02:57)

On Identity and Ethnic Comedy:

• "If there's different shades of white, then Greek is Puerto Rican brown." (05:40)
• "We are the Puerto Ricans of Europe." (05:55)

On Showbiz Disappointments:

• "Now your boy is O for 14 with pilots." (22:23)
• "Guess what happened the last time I didn't get a pilot. We started History hyenas." (22:51)

On Avoiding Reality:

• "Reality is a suggestion." (19:02)
• "I have to say thank you to the History Hyenas fans. I'd be nothing without you now. I literally, financially mean that." (25:58)

On Friendship and Personalities:

• "You just created a new category called the kamikaze pilot... you're the winner, but we just have, you're dead, unfortunately. You died while trying to win." (65:44)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Substances/Eddies & rounding the corners of life: 02:23–06:23
• Greek/Puerto Rican bit & words (“upa”/“wepa”): 05:40–06:16
• Emma Stone/Yorgos Lanthimos/Greek director roast: 04:17–05:32
• Financial/real estate anxiety & internal vs. external problems: 20:36–22:17
• ABC pilot failure & sitcom title riffing: 22:23–25:15
• Avoiding reality/mental escape theme: 18:59, 19:35
• Appreciating fans and Patreon community: 45:25–46:08
• Bakersfield, CA observational chunk: 39:14–41:16
• Patreon name-riff and ranking contest: 51:35–68:17

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Notable Bit: Patreon Name Competition (51:35–68:17)

A long-running, much-loved bit where the hosts read, riff on, and rank wild, often offensive Patreon usernames, culminating in a fierce competition. This week, "Twinkerbell" is declared the champion, while some entries are so intense they create a "kamikaze pilot" category for funniest but unpostable names.

"Twinker Bell, you are the winner. Go to patreon.com history hyenas...see your name up in lights, Twinkerbell. You are the winner." (68:20)

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Tone & Style

The episode is loose, self-deprecating, and irreverent — marked by affectionate ribbing, absurdist detours, and moments of honest vulnerability. The hosts rely heavily on callbacks and the private language of their "cutie" fanbase, moving seamlessly between bits about personal failure, sexuality, New York ethnic jokes, and inside references, all while maintaining a relentless barrage of high-wire comedy.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a prime example of why History Hyenas is beloved: you’ll get raucous laughter, wildly inappropriate bits, and an oddly heartwarming ode to personal imperfection. There is minimal "history," but maximum insight into how comedians process deeper anxieties with humor and community — and invite their listeners into the chaos.

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Major Segments at a Glance

• 00:29–02:23: Episode intro, substances, “Eddie Destefano” revelation
• 05:35–06:16: Greek vs. Puerto Rican identity riff
• 20:36–22:17: Real estate obsessions & internal problem epiphany
• 22:23–25:15: Lamenting failed sitcom pilots and new show ideas
• 45:25–46:08: Sincere appreciation for the fanbase
• 51:35–68:17: Fan-submitted Patreon username rankings and wild riffs
• 39:14–41:16: Yannis on the surreal world of Bakersfield, CA

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Final Thoughts

As ever, Chris and Yannis blur the line between personal crisis and comedy gold, showing listeners how survival is sometimes about foaming the rough edges — with a little help from each other, edibles, and a truly deranged fan community. "Twinkerbell," this one’s for you.

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For exclusive content and wild text readings, find them at patreon.com/historyhyenas.

Transcript

[A]

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[A]

What's up everybody? I am back. I was snowed in in California. We couldn't get here. So apologies, but your episode is here. Catch me on the Road in Boston, April 17th and 18th, West Nyack, New York, April 24th through the 26th, and Emmaus, Pennsylvania, May 2nd. And our show's been rescheduled.

[B]

So March 9th, March 9th, 6pm Live History Hyena show right here in New York City. You're gonna really enjoy this episode. We don't have a history topic, but I did take an edible and it's wild.

[A]

Yes. Patreon.com history HY HYENAS. Where you can stop being a toot and become a self respecting non toot.

[B]

What's up everybody? Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. I'm Chrissy D. That's Yanni P. We said, whoever is going to start this pod. I said, I'll start it. And Yana said, well, it depends how cute you think I am. And I said, I'm starting because let me tell you something right now, not only do you look good, you've gotten skinny.

[A]

No way.

[B]

You've lost a little weight. I don't know what it is about that green shirt because you look like an asparagus and I want to eat you and have my pee smell.

[A]

It has to do with the beard. Fans, right? I've been seeing fans say exactly what you say.

[B]

What?

[A]

For the love of God, Yanni, don't shave the beard. Yeah, because right now I'm in jail. I mean, I have jowls. I got a turkey neck.

[B]

It's right there.

[A]

It's right what it is.

[B]

But it, it's, it's unnoticeable.

[A]

Cause I'm reading your energy. Yeah. You want to get into some shit today?

[B]

I want to get into some shit today, cuz.

[A]

You want to throw some snowballs at police officers?

[B]

Yeah, I really, really, really do. Cause I really want to do it big. And I, I. The energy that you're sensing is a little thing called 10 milligrams of THC. I'm on inedible. We call it an Eddie, you're not. It's not Chris Deano, it's Eddie destefano. Hello?

[A]

Listen, Eddie, whatever works. Whatever works for you. Whatever works for you works for me. Because I like you on substances because I know you're a guy that likes to do a little something to the corners.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know when you have kids, you get a little foam, you put it around the corners. Yeah. So they don't hit themselves in the corners. Yeah, you got a lot of corners.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so what you do with the substances is you just round up, you put a little foam on the corners.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

The corners of life are foamed up so you don't bang into them.

[B]

Cuz it's what it is. And I had a big, big day today. I mean, I'm missed me big. I missed you big. I kept saying, I mean, I was texting you 3 days ago saying you could just fly to Baltimore and rent a car. You could fly to Baltimore and I'll pick you up.

[A]

Yeah, what he did, he called me up, he said, cuz what. What's the limit on FaceTime? Can you do an all day or on FaceTime? Cuz you wanted to walk around with me with your phone like we were in the her movie. Yeah.

[B]

Cuz the last thing you'll ever see life is me cutting your face off, putting it on and FaceTiming your family.

[A]

What I watched last night before I went to bed was a big steaming

[B]

pile of that StaVros was in

[A]

Wei Song. No, that was on the plane.

[B]

Oh, that was on the plane. What was that movie called? Bulgaria. Yo. Stavros was great in it though.

[A]

Stavros was absolutely. He was probably the best part of it. Yeah, because Begonia was a. I hate to say this because he's my countryman, but it was a big fat steaming pile of shit. And we're all getting fucking sick. And when I say we're all, I mean about the 14 coffee house people who still go see those movies. Yeah, they're all getting sick of this guy's fucking weird S and M fantasies. Yeah, we get it. You want to fucking S and M torture her.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, the next movie he's going to call her every day and be like, emma, Hello, Emma, it's. This is your go Slatimos again. Listen, I think he's obsessed because he's just calling her, going, listen, I have a new movie. We're going to turn you this one. We turn you into Alien. Alien with hermaphrodite. And we're going to this movie we're going to take. We're going to take some steel pipe, some steel piping, contracting grade. And we're going to ram it. Ram in early or in the holes until you bleed inside out. But this is a commentary on society and how the corporation is taking all the. Emma, please don't hang up. This is a good one. This a go. We skin you alive. It's about the Mexican cartels. So we take your friend's face and they skin it. They put it on your face. What do you say, huh?

[B]

I mean, the kid obviously jerks off to her big.

[A]

He's obsessed with Emma Stone and he just wants to put her in the most comprom. Every movie that she is in with him. This girl is getting like defiled. She. I mean, he's actually living my dream. Watched her get.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then making her shave her head.

[B]

I mean.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The only thing is you'd like to trade Emma Stone after Ginny Bouchard.

[A]

Because this movie, he's just got Emma Stone just chained up in a basement. This kid is acting out his S and M fantasies on Emma Stone.

[B]

I mean, cuz, what can I tell you? Greeks are weird people.

[A]

We're weird.

[B]

You're weird people.

[A]

But you're. You found your way. You worked your way around Greeks again.

[B]

What I love about Greeks and what I think is why I'm really attracted to you and the Greek culture is because you're the closest white people to Puerto Ricans.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You're the. You're the. If there's. If there's different shades of white, then Greek is Puerto Rican brown.

[A]

We are.

[B]

I like it.

[A]

We are the Puerto Ricans of Europe.

[B]

You are the Puerto Ricans of Europe.

[A]

Even if you think about it, the Puerto Ricans have wepa, which is sort of like a word that doesn't have a definition. It's just like we're excited and we want to break things. We want to ruin our economy.

[B]

Right?

[A]

And the. And the Puerto Ricans and the Greeks have upa.

[B]

Right?

[A]

So I. I said that backwards. Can we do that again?

[B]

It's what? No, just do it. There's no end.

[A]

We have upa, they have.

[B]

Cuz you want an edible? I got them in my pocket.

[A]

It sounds like I'm on an edible right now, but right now I'm high on cyanide.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cuz we get to a certain age, we need substances.

[B]

We need substances now. Cuz I want to ask you right now, dealer's choice. What do you want to take? What do you want to do. Do you want to do. Do you want to do a little THC edibles? Do you want to do that? Or do you want to do pills? I got pills.

[A]

Because you want to do a little

[B]

pills

[A]

because you're shaking them like they're nerds can.

[B]

Because you want to do a little pills because. Yeah.

[A]

This is the beginning where we find you.

[B]

I need a little space.

[A]

Because do you have a. You have a. You have so much space in your house that they're not going to be able to find your body when you OD for three days.

[B]

It's just what it is. Cuz sometimes what happens is my family will be yelling at me, I'll be going through the motions of life, and then I'll just hear a little sound. And that's Sound is Wait. Damn it. Well, why don't you spell out Nick,

[A]

go get it before it. Yeah, go get it before. Go get it before Nick crawls on the floor and eats it. I found it.

[B]

Yeah. One that I took a bite out of last week. I forgot

[A]

now, cuz how. What's this new Chrissy edibles phase? This new Chrissy substances. What are you nervous about?

[B]

Well, what happens is. Because is sometimes you got any big

[A]

life stuff coming up?

[B]

Yeah. So. Because sometimes what happens is you make decisions and then those decisions come back and do a little thing called haunt you.

[A]

And what are we talking about?

[B]

No, because we're just, you know, here's the thing. Yeah. It's just life is a little. What it is is this. Guys, what it is is this is sometimes you buy something, you know, you invest in something, and then it's one of those things where it's like, then the bill comes due.

[A]

Yeah, right.

[B]

You forget about it. Like, this is great. It's great. But now it's like the bills come due.

[A]

Usually the bill is due.

[B]

And the reason. And I don't have the money to pay the bill right now. So what I need is a little space. And I get that in the form of THC and pills.

[A]

Have you ever.

[B]

Those are my blood pressure pills, by the way. I mean, that's how bad it's gotten. I have to walk around my blood pressure meds.

[A]

Yeah. Because you. You treat life like you're in a maximum security prison.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Because if I were to ask you what's going on, you tell me a bunch of stuff and I'd go, those actually sound like the healthiest choices I've ever heard of.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you go, yeah, those are what stresses me out.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So you're a little guy who likes to run free. You're a jailbird.

[B]

I'm a little. Exactly.

[A]

You like I don't know how to do time on the outside.

[B]

I like. Cuz here's the truth is I'm exactly like your chain. I'm living on the outside, but I should be on the inside.

[A]

Yeah. Because you're not supposed to pull out a chain in a sweatshirt.

[B]

Yeah, it's what it's called. It's called Yanni's Chain. And what Yanni's Chain is new lingo. And what that means is you're living on the outside, but you should be on the inside. That's just. That's a new word. Yeah.

[A]

Because when you pull it out, like we've said, when you pull it out with the sweatshirt, it. It just looks too intentional.

[B]

Yeah. And it looks. And the way that when you pull it out and it's just halfway out, it's just kind of falling over. It looks like Stephen Hawkins in a wheelchair.

[A]

But look what I got. I got two. Wow. I went to the mall at Long island and I got this soldered clothes gu.

[B]

If you go to Long island and you don't get at least one chain from the mall and one bagel from the bagel store, you didn't even really go to Long Island.

[A]

Cause if you get buried in Long island, you don't got your chain out. You didn't grow up on the island.

[B]

Yeah. It's what it is.

[A]

Yeah. Cause if you don't get two bagels with onion and a little bit of loxmear, then you're not from the island.

[B]

I'll tell you one thing right now. If Nancy Guthrie, Savannah Guthrie's mom, would've went missing on Long island, she would have got found by a little person called the Long Island Medium. The Long Island Medium would have sniffed her out and found that body. But the Long island medium, Teresa Caputo, her powers don't work outside the island.

[A]

Isn't it amazing that the two most famous famous TV mediums were both from Long Island? John Edward.

[B]

John Edwards. Right.

[A]

John Edward and Teresa Caputo, the Long island media. Was that her last name? I assume it was, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was just two Italian kids from Long Island.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Who could tell you they could talk to dead people. And they started out with a core, core, strong fan base. Because you can really get Long island

[B]

people to believe anything, 100%.

[A]

Yeah. If you could talk to me.

[B]

She's great, though. Teresa Caputo. You ever watch the Show. She's very fun. Look at her hair.

[A]

Her hair is great.

[B]

Yeah, I actually, here's how I knew my career was kind of going towards the bottom because even though she's a big deal, they asked me if I want to go on tour opening for her because she sells a lot of tickets. So it would be, it would be an upgrade for me.

[A]

But I mean, yeah, because her hair, she, she, she visited 1984. 85.

[B]

The hair's wild. Said this is where my hair, the hair is wild. Now. Speaking of hair, I feel like. Do you think. Because I told you I think you look skinny, look like an asparagus. You look good. How do you think I look today? Do I look handsome? Do I feel handsome to you?

[A]

Well, the thing is you had a date with a guy. You had a date with that guy.

[B]

That's what. So I, we're gon know, I want to relive it now and I want to just know if you thought I was handsome or not. I need you to be honest.

[A]

Well, the thing is, if you're showing up, right, and you, you constantly talk about your financial issues. Right? Right. Because you're a kid who likes to bite off a little more than you can chew.

[B]

Big time. Yeah. Except for edibles. I chew them all.

[A]

Yeah. So you had a perfect opportunity. You had a perfect opportunity to, for, to be, to have this guy be your sugar daddy.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, so you're going to, you're going to meet a guy who's worth about a quarter bill.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And you show up, you know, you dressed good for the spots the other night when you just saw him quickly. But then when you had a sit down date with this guy. Well. And you had a chance to be a side piece.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And get a little money.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You show up like you're, like you're working out like you're a ball boy. You got plastic pants on and you got the, I, you got the outfit on where I know you don't give a fuck today.

[B]

Yeah. Well, here's the thing is the reason why I did it this way is because what happened was, is he came to the Comedy Cellar a couple of nights ago. I dressed up, I had my good jacket on, my good sweater. I sent you guys the pic. We'll post the pic here. I tried to look good, I tried as cute as possible. I did all my A material, had a good show, and then he just left and then he just walked away. So I said to myself, when I was getting dressed this morning, I said, you know, What? I said, this guy probably doesn't like a dressed up guy. I said, let me go show him the other side of me. Let me show him some athleisure, right? Okay. And I said, and also, it's very. It's a lot easier when I'm wearing these baggy sweatshirts like that to hide the gun, because I'm gonna take him hostage. I want to wear his face. So I had the gun strap, and then I said, I'm not gonna get the gun out through a Uniqlo down jacket. But what happened is I walk in there, and the show. I love the show. Owning Manhattan, right? Ryan Sirhan from Owning Manhattan. I love the show.

[A]

Is he handsome?

[B]

Handsome drink of water. So I go in there and they say, hi, you know, how are you? I said, hi. I said, I'm Ryan. I said, I'm here to meet Ryan. And he go. And the lady goes, oh, can I have your name? I said, tell him it's Chris from Grindr. That's just what I said. And she was like.

[A]

She was like, use your real name on Grindr.

[B]

Yes. And so she said. So she said, huh? I said, chris from Grindr. He'll know what it means.

[A]

And then.

[B]

So he does. Has no idea what's going on. And then there was one of the. One of the girls from the show. From the reality show he does, which is one of my favorite shows on tv, Owning Manhattan. Check it out. I saw her in the lobby, and she's like a beautiful girl. And so she said, hi. And I said, hi, I'm Chris from Grindr. And then she was. We were talking, conversating a little bit, and I said, I don't want to Ryan to come down the stairs and see me talking to this woman, because then he's going to think that I'm straight, right? So I said. So I said, let me go. And I saw a bullpen of guy agents, and I just sat with those guys. I started talking about the Mets until Ryan came down. And then Ryan gave me about 10 minutes of his time, and I tried to get him to smell the chloroform rag I had, but he walked away because the kids weren't, you know, kids just run around doing meetings. But I had a whole plan to dress like this guy. And also, it was so hot in his office. But because the jacket matched the shoes, I didn't take my jacket off. Sweat go down the back.

[A]

Yeah, I've done that move. Sometimes if the jacket's cute, you got to keep it on.

[B]

Then I tried to get fun and I sent him an emoji of an open. And I haven't gotten a response to that. I'm on a group chat with somebody else. So it's just what it is. Yeah. What it is is I'm in a mood to up.

[A]

You're in a mood. Yeah.

[B]

And because I'm not Chris De Stefano, I'm Eddie De Stefano, you're Eddie De

[A]

Stephano, you're Chrissy Eddies. And you have, you look like you've lost years.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You look younger.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're looking really good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I don't know if you've tucked in the skin tags or what's going on.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But you look great.

[B]

No, what it is, is I've, I've decided to say. I've decided to say I've had enough. I need some space, I need to be happy, I need to be free. And what I'm doing is I'm taking edibles, I'm going on dates with guys and that's just what makes me feel comfy. And then I go, and then I go home to my family and we have a good time watching, you know, tape up in the Demon Hunters and running around on the tricycles. But during the day, daddy needs to get a little high, walk around and go on a date with a guy. See.

[A]

Well, listen, you just fall into one of the two categories of Republican. Yeah. Okay. You grew up in, you know, I'm not saying you're Republican. You're a kid who's above it all.

[B]

Yeah. Ryan cannot ever see you saying that I'm Republican. That's not what. No, but what I'm saying is Ryan is apolitical.

[A]

He's apolitical and so are you. Yeah, right. Politics isn't something you're interested in.

[B]

I'm not interested in it at all.

[A]

So. But what you've done is you've fallen into one of the two buckets of Republican.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You got your very straight, manly kind of working class Republicans and then you got your college educated PhD level, which you are. You're basically a doctor. Yeah, right. Basically a doctor, very educated, white collar, service based. Yes. With a family, but secretly gay and meets guys in motels.

[B]

And we coined what that side of the coin is. Yeah, that's faggot.

[A]

That's faggot. Right.

[B]

That's what I represent you.

[A]

It's actually like you two branches of Republicans is you got that and then you got the guys who are secretly in the closet.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

Guys in motel.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Me and yell about homosexual.

[B]

Me and Scott Beto from Staten island who paints. We're a couple of gay kids.

[A]

Scott Baio.

[B]

No, Scott Beto Bott.

[A]

Baio's big. Yeah, yeah. Scott Baio's big maga.

[B]

Yeah. So now. So ultimately, you know, the date I think went well. You know, had in his office. And I said, you know, there was, you know, I hang out with a lot of people like this. You know, I was making things up. And. And I said, you know, I don't want. I don't ask for anything from anybody. Not gonna ask the podcast. Not gonna ask anything. I said, the only thing I asked is that you remember me. And he kind of looked at me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because it was kind of a joke.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he kind of looked at me and then he looked at his watch and he was like, it's been such so great meeting you. And then gave me a pound and I left and I got walked out by security guard. So it's just what it is. And then what I did is I took another bite of the edible on Broadway.

[A]

Now, let me tell you something about this guy right here. There's no chance that a guy who hosts a show who's worth a quarter bill and the show's called Owning Manhattan. There's no chance that the kid goes to the voting booth and clicks on mom dummy. There's just not a shot.

[B]

No way. And he's also born in Boston.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Raised in Boston. Yeah.

[A]

But I'll tell you what happens with these guys.

[B]

Great guy. Ryan's. Go follow him. Ryan Serhan. Go follow him. He's my guy. He's my boyfriend.

[A]

Yeah. He's a great guy. But I'll tell you what happens with these very successful guys, Right. Who kind of live on the coast, is they end up marrying a girl who is what I like to call conveniently liberal.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Right. They don't have to worry about anything. They don't got to pay anything for anything. But they're. And they live an absolutely Republican lifestyle.

[B]

What it is.

[A]

But what they do is they are outwardly liberal.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Their private life is all Republican. They live behind gates. They live in five million dollar houses. Their husbands use every tax loop and hole available. And then they go out there and they have brunch at, you know, Danielle or Chanterelle. And they just talk about how the Republicans ruined the conveniently liberal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they just say, you know, what ICE is doing out there is horrific. But they've never been to or ever seen anyone who's Mexican.

[B]

It's what it is, who they are.

[A]

And so those ladies end up influencing the guys who are apolitical or couldn't give a shit about politics at all into just being liberal. That's what happened.

[B]

It's what it is. And you know, and the bottom line is we had, I had a great date. I had a great date with this guy.

[A]

And does wife know that you're seeing guys?

[B]

No, she doesn't know yet. But she's going to find out big.

[A]

She's probably had huge hunches that you are a homosexual man. When you ran from a deer, well, you, you left your daughter outside. You ran from a deer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He wasn't even close to you. He's just in your yard. You got scared and you ran inside and your 4 year old daughter said, daddy ran inside and left me outside.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

Yeah, because you were scared of a deer.

[B]

I'm scared of a deer. And that's how it is. And I'm just really scared of the outdoors. And I just think, ultimately though, I took a nice walk today. I walked about 20, 25 blocks through the city and it's about 50 DE here, but there's still snow on the ground. So what we call that is a Berlin summer. And it calms me down and it makes me go back to the good old days when I was in Berlin.

[A]

You're a guy, you're a guy who doesn't, doesn't like reality at all.

[B]

No.

[A]

Yeah. You're not a fan of it.

[B]

As we've been saying since 2018, reality is a suggestion.

[A]

It's a suggestion.

[B]

I live by it.

[A]

Yeah, you live by that. So if you were at some point living in Berlin. Yeah. You know, that's what we call not existing in reality.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's what we call a bat signal.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For a roofing company, that's what you want to just put a big old bat signal in the sky and say, this kid thinks he's living in Berlin in the 1950s and this is an alternative life. And he's also on substances and he also like getting anxiety about things that are actually great in his life. You got to throw him into a padded room and lock the door.

[B]

The door. And by the way, speaking of Batman symbols, go to patreon.com historyhyenas because the text that I'm gonna read on today's Patreon are wild. We have a nice text reading session and you can only see those [e-mail] history hyenas it's worth the money.

[A]

Should we do another category on our patreon? Just called Chrissy's housing expenses.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Just for some secret.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Amore. So, yeah, some gay guy out there that loves you who just wants to pay for you.

[B]

Yeah. When I told. Because, you know, Ryan knows obviously so much about. About real estate. The show Owning Manhattan shows that. That he asked me where I live and I told him, and then he was like, oh, I thought you lived somewhere else. He said, well, I actually moved from that one. He goes, but when I first messaged you, you were living somewhere else. And I said, yeah, I've just moved. He goes, how many times have you moved? And I said, I moved about three or four times in. In four years. And he goes, well, that's an internal problem. That's what he said. And. And I go, yeah. He goes, you probably each one of them has been the perfect house for a different reason, but you've got an internal problem. You're looking for external answers. I said, pull down your pants. Yeah.

[A]

You're the only guy in real estate who's pulled off what I like to call the hat trick.

[B]

Right.

[A]

You know, you can pull off three goals in a game in hockey and pull the hat trip, or you can sell three houses in a year.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And pull a hat trick.

[B]

You know how, like, a guy who's like, you know, like, who has sex with a lot of girls, has so many girls. Numbers in his phone, he doesn't even know who's who? That's how I'm with real estate agents. Right. I've had him. I've had it the most. My record so far is I've had five different agents looking for houses for me while currently trying to sell the house that I was living in. And I didn't even own, but I tried to sell it anyway.

[A]

Yeah. Well, we had a retired sergeant in here. He was also.

[B]

He was one of my real estate agents. And I forgot about it.

[A]

And he had no idea that you were seeing other guys?

[B]

Yeah. When I closed on my house, where I bought my house, he was my active real estate agent. And I said, you know, I texted him, I said, I got. Got the house, whatever. He goes, what do you mean?

[A]

Yeah?

[B]

I was like, I got the house. And then I told him where I was looking, he goes, what do you mean you were. He called me. Because you were looking up there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I said, yeah. He goes, I thought I was your agent. We were looking over here.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I said, well, you know what? I just made A decision.

[A]

I was cheating on you.

[B]

Yeah. I was cheating on.

[A]

I was cheating on you guys.

[B]

You don't want a house on Staten Island. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. There was a time that you wanted a house on Staten Island. Then you took. You were on Staten Island.

[B]

I fully bought a house on Staten Island.

[A]

And you looked around, you said, wait a second, where's the bagel store? Yeah, I said, wait's the bagel store.

[B]

I looked around, I said, you know what? Things are too peaceful here. Things are too good. I can afford it too. Well, the. You know, what is the problem? And the problem was the bagel store wasn't in walking distance. And the funny irony is, is the house I currently live in now has a bagel store twice as far away.

[A]

I think I know what your next special should be called. It's not an external problem. It's an internal problem.

[B]

That's what it is. Yeah. It's not an external.

[A]

That should.

[B]

Yeah, that should be my reality show. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

It's not an external problem. It's an internal.

[B]

Internal problem.

[A]

It's an internal problem. Yeah.

[B]

Not an external problem. It's an internal problem. Yeah. That's what it is. And I got news for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Also too. Why I have a little juice and why I had to take an extra edible is because they called me today and said my ABC pilot is done dead in the water. So now your boy is O for 14 with pilots.

[A]

Cause. But here's the thing.

[B]

Cause I'm old for 14 as a pilot.

[A]

You're a home run hitter, though. You take big cuts.

[B]

What it is, because you know whose plane I guess I'm on? Muhammad attis. Oh, for 14 in this business.

[A]

Well, because I wouldn't feel bad about that.

[B]

Well, yeah, because guess what happened the last time I didn't get a pilot. Guess what happened? We started History hyenas.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

That's what it is.

[A]

So we actually started that before.

[B]

Yeah, the.

[A]

The. The pilot.

[B]

No, no, but the pilot.

[A]

Oh, that's right. It was kind of at the beginning.

[B]

The show didn't go. My CBS sitcom pilot didn't go. And I said, we gotta. What do we gotta do here? And then we came up with the podcast and we did History Hyenas. And now my ABC show has officially not went. So you know what that means. Hey, babes. Coming back.

[A]

Because let me ask you a question.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which one of.

[B]

We're gonna make this show big. We're gonna make this show bigger than you ever could fucking imagine. Yeah. Because now I really have to. Okay, now I really have to. Because not only do I have a family, not only do I have a beautiful family that I for and provide for, but I also owe money to some bad people and I was expecting ABC to pay for it and that's not going to happen, but they were. And I can't borrow any more money from Kimmel.

[A]

Here's the thing though, cuz when you look around, right? When you look around at our colleagues, right? Our generation, generation above. Which one of them have family sitcoms?

[B]

Yeah, None. Oh, I know. I thought you were going to say which one around which one would you kill first? And I say I'm obligated to say Jesse because he's a Jew.

[A]

Lot 14 mean. Yeah.

[B]

JK Nick, I'd save you, buddy. Yeah, thank you. It's the right thing to do.

[A]

Yeah, it's the right thing to do. Which one of our colleagues has a family friendly sitcom?

[B]

Bill Cosby's the only one I can think of.

[A]

Lad 14. Yeah, so I'm saying it's. Don't feel bad cuz what you were doing I think is what you often do is I think you like to fish.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In empty waters.

[B]

That's what I like to do.

[A]

You like to sometimes fish in empty water?

[B]

I like to fish in empty water. That's a good one.

[A]

People were going, hey, these ponds are full of fish. And you're like, yeah, but I like that one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, that one has no water and no fish.

[B]

No fish. Yeah, that's what it is. I said, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go all in on a sitcom and stop posting on my own YouTube. And I said, this is the path forward.

[A]

Yeah. You were like, this is the path forward. I mean, I'm just saying I can't think of one person who's got, who's has a sitcom.

[B]

All I can say, and let's be

[A]

honest, a lot of them are a lot more family friendly than you.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, because the truth is this,

[B]

the truth is this. My, my manager even told me goes. The truth is, is that was never going to go. So don't worry about it. Just wasn't a good story script.

[A]

I said.

[B]

He goes, do you have any other ideas? I said, well, I have an uncle who's a cat judge. And he dropped the phone and picked it up. He said, get me that script on my desk by Monday.

[A]

Yeah, that's funny.

[B]

That's the show. Yeah, that's funny. Cat judge.

[A]

I think you've been Going to father's side of the family.

[B]

Maybe you need to go mother's side of the family. So the show, the new sitcom is My Uncle's a Cat Judge.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And we're calling it. And the name, the title of the show is It's Not External, It's Internal.

[A]

It's not External. It's Internal.

[B]

He also has some internal issues.

[A]

Yeah, well, you know, just like, much like Teresa Caputo's hair that stopped in the 80s.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

I think your. Your dreams about a sitcom kind of in the 90s, you were just like, yeah, her. Your dream for a sitcom is her hair.

[B]

Right. It's just not gonna work.

[A]

It's just in the 90s.

[B]

That's why I want to say, go for one camera.

[A]

Say, I want one camera. I want to be able to curse.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And just let's call it a cat judge and let's hire my real uncle, because you're not going to get funnier than that.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

Nobody's gonna be able to play that.

[B]

That. Because it's. It's what it is. You know, I always think I live in a little bit of nostalgia for some reason. Maybe it's a sense of control. But I have to say thank you to the History Hyenas fans. I'd be nothing without you now. I literally, financially mean that. So go to patreon.com history hyenas, support our show on YouTube and listen to this ad from who Gives a Shit.

[A]

Chrissy, I gotta say, what's one thing you wish you'd known earlier about how credit actually works?

[B]

Because there's so many things. But I mean, bad credit can just make everything harder.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

From renting an apartment to getting a fair rate.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you know what's helped me turn the table so I can finally get the credit I deserve? Ava.

[A]

Ooh, Ava. Yeah, Ava's really, really good. It's a credit building app that's designed to work fast and help your credit score where it really matters. So your credit score can start climbing with almost zero effort.

[B]

Yes. I want you to take control of your credit today and download the AVA app.

[A]

Ava A V A.

[B]

And when you join, using my promo code, Hyenas H Y E N A S, you're going to get 20% off your first year, monthly or annual. Your choice.

[A]

Again, grab the AVA app and use our promo code Hyenas, so they know you heard it from Chrissy and Giannis. And you will get 20% off any plan for up to a year. That's promo code hyenas. Thanks to Ava. Now go get yourself some good credit

[B]

because I just saw you reach it for something and I know that you're not having a good day because you forgot your Lucy.

[A]

Lucy makes me feel Lucy goosey. Yeah, I'm a nicotine kid. Call me a. Yeah, a teen. I love teens because you like teens,

[B]

but not in the bad way.

[A]

Not in a bad way. In the good way.

[B]

You like teens in the good way.

[A]

And that's Nicole. That's what I like.

[B]

Lucy.

[A]

You sign up, you subscribe, it comes straight to your door. You can go to Lucy Co stores to find out where Lucy is available. Guess what? It's pretty much available anywhere. Their flavors are absolutely delicious. Do you like espresso? Do you like all their flavors? Do you like their breakers that you can just bite into and get extra little burst of flavor in your mouth?

[B]

It's what it is. Get the flavor in your mouth. And if you're a gay guy and you don't like the name Lucy, it doesn't get you going. You don't want to open your mouth, just call it Louie.

[A]

Just call Louie.

[B]

You're fine.

[A]

You're fine.

[B]

And here comes the fine print. Lucy products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning, this product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.

[A]

And remember, get 20% off your first order when you buy online with code hyenas. And if you don't want to wait, just head to Lucy Dot Co stores to find Lucy near you and grab it today.

[B]

Yeah, because what can you do?

[A]

You're in good shape.

[B]

Maybe the sitcom is my uncle's a cat judge and his wife's the Long island medium.

[A]

I love.

[B]

Is that the show I love? What would you. If my uncle. If my uncle Russell's wife had that hair.

[A]

The only thing that I do know about about you is if you got the sitcom, you'd be calling me every day saying, cuz, how do I get out of this?

[B]

How do I get out of it? Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, because that's what I do know. You'd be going, this isn't what I thought it was going to be. I don't like it. It's telling me to do this. I got to sit here all day.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Chewing your nails. And you said they won't.

[B]

They've took.

[A]

Taken my phone for me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because I can't remember all these lines. And they say, chrissy, why are you constantly shopping for houses? Yeah, you got to be alerted your lines.

[B]

Yeah, There's a video of me when I. I'm a like.

[A]

Because I know you're anywhere but here.

[B]

Anywhere.

[A]

That's another possible name for a new sitcom.

[B]

But I'll tell you what.

[A]

But here.

[B]

But I'm locked in right now because of our good friend Eddie Edibles. Right, Edibles. I'm locked in on you. Have you noticed I haven't stopped looking into your eyes for the last 30 minutes?

[A]

Well, I thought that's because, you know, you have a skin tag on the top eyelid. You don't want to blink.

[B]

I'm trying to close it.

[A]

Yeah, you just want to blink because when you blink, it pops out.

[B]

Because I got to be honest with you, the way I.

[A]

It's gotten smaller. What are you doing it.

[B]

Taking edibles.

[A]

Honestly, Cuz, it's like disappeared.

[B]

It's one of those things where in the inside, on the outside, I am who I am. I'm Chrissy Skin tags. I'm Chrissy Hitler Hair. Whatever. I am Chrissy Big Butt and you know, and. And Chrissy Plastic Pants. Chrissy Ryan Sirhance. But what. What the truth is, is on the outside, I am what I am. But what thc makes me just let go and kind of give up, but also get up. I've given up in my life, but I get up and go to work anyway, and I don't care. So on the outside, I'm me. On the inside, I'm Nick.

[A]

Cuz.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, that's what I am. Cuz on the inside, I'm a Stick

[A]

Wei Song Xie, ain't

[B]

I?

[A]

Get what you're saying.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? Cuz it's not.

[A]

You're relaxed like Nick. Yeah, but you get up and shower.

[B]

I get up and shower.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right, right, right. So I feel together. I'm Jesse and.

[A]

Yeah, you're a combination.

[B]

I'm a combination. Yeah. I have. Nick's kind of just whatever. Go with the flow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Jesse's, you know, creativeness to. Wears boat shoes 12 months a year. Like that kind of just given I've. I've let go and let. God.

[A]

The thing about Jesse is you can't leave him alone for too long.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Because what happens if you don't call? Jesse will never call you.

[B]

Never.

[A]

Right. So Jesse will never go, hey, I'm in the mood to talk to someone.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Doesn't happen.

[B]

Doesn't happen.

[A]

You have to call him. Right. He's just. He's. He's too go with the flow. So if you leave him alone for too long, you'll find him unbathed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He hasn't washed his hair and he's wearing his neighbor's boat shoes. Yeah.

[B]

It's just wonderful.

[A]

That's just what's going to happen. But when you call him and you make him get up and say, hey, what?

[B]

You're good.

[A]

We're going to do this show.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Next thing you know, he's got air max on, which, make no mistake, he didn't buy or want on his own. He had to get them for a Christmas present from his brother, who got him for 10%. Yeah. Because the kid wants nothing. He's a half Jew Buddha. He could care less because he wants to.

[B]

Judah. He.

[A]

He's Judah. He's Judah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you just gotta, you know, you just.

[B]

Yeah. The thing is with Jesse is once in a while, he doesn't know this, but just once in a while, I go, I figured out. Because he told me where he lived, I figured out where his apartment was. I figured out I followed a trail of clay. Once I said, that'll be where he lives. And so sometimes I check his garbage when he throws it. I check him. And if I see more in a week, if I see more than 50 tangerine peels, I call in and I say, somebody get Jesse out of the hole.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

The kid. And the reason why I was going to say the difference between you and Jesse is you're not a big fan of structure. It's not one of your favorite things.

[B]

No.

[A]

You don't love it. No. Yeah. Jesse's a guy who, if you take the structure for him, he's. He needs substances.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, he's a kid who relies completely on a structured day.

[B]

Right.

[A]

If you try to deviate and it could be anything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

His mother can call and say, I just fell out of a window.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I only have one leg now.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Go. But right now is my time to be at the studio.

[B]

Y.

[A]

My time to peel a tangerine and stare at some of my paintings and think about ideas.

[B]

Yeah. It's funny.

[A]

That's just what he likes to do.

[B]

Because Jesse has a little thing we like to call autism.

[A]

He's got a little thing called autism. He's got a little thing called stick it to his schedule.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because if you take the schedule for him, he stares too deep into the abyss. He doesn't know what to do.

[B]

It's what it is. Because we got Jesse's Spectrum tv.

[A]

That's what he is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what he is.

[B]

But. But my Point is, is that there's something that there's, you know, I'm never really. You're right. Never really present, never really locked in. So what it is, is sometimes I like to just take a nibble of a little, just a little bit. Not, not doing five, not even doing 10. I'm doing two and a half and that with a little coffee. Plus I had just a tiniest little bit of vodka at the bar. And then, and then you just get it juiced up a little bit. Just a sip, that's all I need. And then you feel good. And I just, I just feel a little bit lighter. I say the problems waiting for me are, you know what? They're a little bit further away. Yeah, they're just a little, they're just a little bit further away. Like today when my pilot didn't get picked up, I didn't cry. Remember when I cried on the phone with you with Comedy Central? I didn't cry this.

[A]

No, but you were crying about a girl.

[B]

You weren't about a girl. But I still cried to the Comedy Central executive.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

So this, I had all people on the phone with me and I just said, I, I, I said, listen, I said it's all good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I said, you know, things happen, life goes on. Hope is my hedge. And I said, I will be, I will be just fine. And I was just smiling and, and it was, and then, and you know, and then whatever, I, I hung up. I took, you know, quick, I ducked into the Broom street bar, took a quick sip of vodka and I walked over here and I called you.

[A]

What I like about you is you believe. Cuz I believe there's needs to be more people like you on the planet. There's a lot to learn about you. Yeah, A lot to learn.

[B]

Fighting for the Christian army in the modern day crusade.

[A]

That is what I'm talking about. Yes. Yeah. People need to, people need to put down their plow, pick up their sword and get in line. We're going to work.

[B]

It's what it is. You know what I mean? You can either get in or get out of my way.

[A]

Get in or get out of Chrissy Christian's way.

[B]

It's just what it is. And so edibles give me a little bit of space and I enjoy it. And I feel like the real me doing this.

[A]

What I mean is you believe and people should believe. Yes. Delusional belief is what is good. Believe in yourself. Believe in something. I mean, you just got to believe. Because when you were telling me it was a Family friendly sitcom. I said to myself, where's Nate Bargazi's family friendly sitcom? Right, if he doesn't have one? I was like, chrissy's chances are slim. But I'd love that. You take a cut, I take a cut. I love that you go for it.

[B]

Because I'm around people, I grew up around people in Queens that believe. My friend James Debo, Lil Debo, he believes. He believes in JetBlue. He believes in the Mets, and he believes he's going to have sex. The shit. And the kid just.

[A]

He believes every year.

[B]

Believes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so that's what I grew up around. I grew up around, you know, a father who believed. He believed the Mets were going to cover. Yes, believe.

[A]

Yes. Right.

[B]

You believe that the spread is what

[A]

it is and we're going to win

[B]

big money and go get a house in Pennsylvan.

[A]

You do believe.

[B]

You believe?

[A]

Believe. Yeah. You know your amount. Believe.

[B]

You be honest. You. You believe you're straight?

[A]

Yeah. Believe.

[B]

You wake up. Believe it straight. Yeah.

[A]

You gotta freaking believe in stuff.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

We all. We gotta have delusional.

[B]

Nick believes in John Cena.

[A]

He believes that he's gonna win that match.

[B]

Yeah. It's just what it is.

[A]

He believes that what's happening is real.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He believes it's not scripted.

[B]

Yeah. Jesse believes in Apple stock.

[A]

He believes in Apple stock.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, just. The kid got Apple stock early.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Jesse believes. Because you got to absolutely 100% believe.

[B]

He believes in fidelity.

[A]

You got to believe that the executive who's in charge of giving you that sitcom doesn't have a phone. He doesn't scroll and come across this clip. When you're saying this to Bobby Lee.

[B]

Yeah. It's just what it is.

[A]

When you're out bad friends going hurrah.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nick, if we do this as a clip, this is the reason why I didn't get the sitcom. And then. Yeah, do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Donald Trump. Yeah.

[A]

You got to believe that that viral clip of you and Bob probably just is not seen.

[B]

It's just not seen. And it does. Yeah, it's just what it is. So now what we do is we move on. What we do is we've always been invested here in the podcast, but maybe we start doing an extra day.

[A]

And then what? And then. And then we'll try to get a game show so 70 year old people who can't get off the couch will

[B]

like you get it. I try to get a game.

[A]

That's the next dream.

[B]

I Try to get a game show or. Honestly, if. If. If over the next couple years I realize comedy just isn't working out, then I go join the nypd.

[A]

That's what you could do.

[B]

I get a fake license and I say I'm 10 years younger, and I go join the NYPD. I got one. Wait,

[A]

they. Cuz I think they've. They have kept your application open, son. You're the prodigal son. When you. When you sign up for the test, they'll be like, yeah, he's home.

[B]

He's home. Yeah. Finally, we got it.

[A]

We'll celebrate. And the other officers will go, how come you're not paying attention us? Because they go, because he was. He was off. He was lost. Yeah. And we're celebrating the return.

[B]

The return of one of our own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just what it is. The messiah of Ridgewood. Yeah.

[A]

You just put it. You.

[B]

You.

[A]

Your face belong in the park getting a snowball thrown at his head. It's what it is, Mom. Dummy says it's a snowball fight. And then the next thing you know, you open up your Twitter and you see that the NYPD has prosecuted three people.

[B]

It's what it.

[A]

So the City hall and the NYPD just have a different idea of what's going on. And what I can say is, I think for the next four years, it's going to be a complete love affair between City hall and the nypd.

[B]

It's what it is. Yeah.

[A]

This is just the beginning of a love affair.

[B]

A love affair. And, you know, and maybe I was at the beginning of something on today's date with the love. I. No, yeah. But my point is, is everything's going to be okay. You let go, you let God, you

[A]

know, because everything is okay.

[B]

Everything is okay. And that's why. Jesus Christ. I. You know, I'm more on his side. Yeah.

[A]

I think everything is so okay, it's making you nervous.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

Yeah. I think it's so okay you're going, where is the fun, fun, fun?

[B]

Yes. Sometimes things are so okay that I just start growing skin tags to make me think I'm not okay.

[A]

Exactly. I mean, you are so okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're just so okay.

[B]

Okay. Cause now both chains around, it looks like you got a tongue sticking out of your sweatshirt.

[A]

Cause I was in Bakersfield, California this weekend.

[B]

I mean, talk about. I mean, cuz, honestly, being in Bakersfield, California, I'd rather be living in Mumdani's asshole. I'd rather be a polyp Funny you

[A]

say that, because if. If I think if you took a peek, I think that's what it would look like.

[B]

It's what it is. Right. Do you have a lot of muzzies there?

[A]

No, not a lot of muzzies there, but Bakersfield, California, is one of the most unique places I've ever seen in my entire life. It's an oil town. It's whatever. It's only two hours. It's only two hours from Los Angeles. Right. So it's so close to Los Angeles, but yet so far. Far, far to the right of it. Yeah, it is a right wing oasis. It's the most conservative.

[B]

So you're telling me we would sell big tickets, Baker's fifth big. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

No, it's. It's this little oasis of like working class, like farmers and oil well guys and lots of Mexicans.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And they voted. One of the funniest things is they voted 74 against gay marriage.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

In California.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

74%.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So that you're in a Catholic family, seven out of the 10 siblings stood up and started gay bashing. The other three.

[B]

One thing I know about Mexican Americans, they are not okay with gay marriage.

[A]

They're just. Just not fans of it.

[B]

They're not fans of it. Neither is the nation of Mexico.

[A]

They're not fans. They're just not fans. I think it's a predominantly Mexican area and it's really interesting to see a place like that in California, right? Yeah. It's also, I think, one of the meth capitals. It's got the worst air quality in California. I mean, it's just a place. It's the forgotten cause now. But the club is great.

[B]

The club is great.

[A]

The, well, comedy club.

[B]

How was the food? Did you find any good food? Because you are, you know, you do usually find the food.

[A]

Well, the best place in there has Guy Fieri's picture up on the wall. And that's about as fancy as you're gonna get.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

It's just what you're gonna get.

[B]

Could you walk around anywhere? Were you in a downtown area?

[A]

It's a tiny little downtown with like a block or two.

[B]

Anything cute?

[A]

Yeah, it had a lot of guys with their shirts off. So you would like it. Yeah, but I wouldn't call them in shape. I would call them more dangerous looking.

[B]

Oh, because they were on drugs.

[A]

Something like that.

[B]

I can't get AIDS twice.

[A]

Yeah. But that's all there is to say about that. Is a very interesting, Very interesting place.

[B]

And what I get from the of your voices. You probably won't be going back to Bakersfield anytime soon.

[A]

I have no plans at this moment to take a second peek.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

Sometimes all you need is one peek to know if something's for you or if it's not for you.

[B]

I was like that with Tacoma. I said I took a peek by.

[A]

Yeah. Tacoma.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Bakersfield.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, it's a tie.

[B]

Tie.

[A]

It's a tie.

[B]

It's a tie.

[A]

People say what made Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy? Was it psychopathy? Was he abuses a kid. I took one peek at Tacoma and I said, Tacoma did it.

[B]

It's what it.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I did.

[B]

That's what it is. Yeah. But shout out to Coma. If we ever go there, please buy the tickets.

[A]

Yeah, if we ever go there.

[B]

I don't have anything going on. Has we talk about this almost every week now. Rag and Bone is our favorite store. The best pair of jeans I have that really fit my ass the way I like it. Rag and Bone. Yeah.

[A]

I can't believe they're advertising on podcasts because Wild. That's how good and quality their clothes are. Because I got a pair of jeans from Ragamo. I wore them last weekend at my show. Now are they.

[B]

The only thing is, though, with your just about the way, that's not going to make it in ragged bone.

[A]

Yeah. So I was a little nauseous because it was a little tight, tight, tight on my waist. But that's nothing that a little dieting can't fit.

[B]

Yeah. And we also. Not only can you get a great discount here on Rag and Bone, if you have any complaints about Rag and Bone, which you won't, but if you have any complaints, Jesse does know where the owners live. Jesse knows exactly the house they live in. So we can also get you that information for a price.

[A]

But you won't be.

[B]

You won't need it.

[A]

It's so, so quality. Their. Their clothes are so good.

[B]

They.

[A]

They don't just make your new go to denim. They've perfected everything from buttery soft tees and elevated essentials to jackets and knits that pull your whole look together. It's really one of the best companies and clothing companies out there. I've been banging this history hyenas code for a while. I've been shopping on it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So what you do. It's time to upgrade your denim with Rag and Bone. For a limited time, our listeners get 20% off their entire order with code [e-mail] I've been banging it, so go bang it. That's 20% off at rag-bone.com with promo code Hyenas. When they ask where you heard about them, you know what to do. Tell them that the history Hyenas sent you there. Yeah.

[B]

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[A]

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your favorite Rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you Rack.

[A]

Yeah. Tacoma's a special, special place. So that was my weekend, then I went to LA and I hung out with Tim Dillon.

[B]

Yeah. Cause you got snowed in. The reason why the episode's late, if you guys didn't catch our Instagram post, is Yanni was snowed in and I was on substances at a motel in Queens. But Yanni only got back into New York City yesterday. And we were going to do an episode on Zoom, but we figured that's not. We don't like. You know, we want to give you always. The fans, always quality.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So we're better in person. So it's a couple of days late, but hopefully it's. It's a better episode. You guys like it now? Cuz, are you going to be home for the next few months? Are you still going back on the road?

[A]

I am home for a while, yeah.

[B]

Because it gets a little tough for me when you're far away.

[A]

You like to know I got two feet in the five boroughs, 3,000 miles

[B]

away was rough on me.

[A]

Yeah, I know. I'm just going to Boston in April and otherwise I'm home.

[B]

So you don't have to. So you don't have to get on a plane?

[A]

No, not for the foreseeable future.

[B]

Isn't that great? You know how many times, by the way, when I. Because I came off the road, I'm going to start going back in November. But how many times I use the phrase foreseeable future? Yeah, I texted so many people, I'm off the road for the foreseeable future.

[A]

It's the foreseeable future. And I just tell you the agents will do useless.

[B]

Oh no.

[A]

They will just do anything to try to make you feel bad about the road, picket sales or whatever. And they just don't love the Fact that the podcast is. It does. Well, we just want the podcast to crash. So you go back.

[B]

What we all. I could say to the fans is we seriously, like people say it. We actually genuinely mean it. You guys are the best fans. When we're on Patreon, Giannis and I are dying, laughing, sending comments back to each other all the time. Your YouTube comments are hilarious. And I'd so much rather just do this show for the rest of my life, which is probably not that long, and then go back and try to do any of this other Hollywood bullshit ever again. Because you guys give us the power to say and do whatever we want.

[A]

The thing is that's. We do have the funniest, best fans. We really do love our fan base. I've always loved their fan base. They make us laugh. It's just one big circle jerk of fun.

[B]

It's just what it is. And the names at Patre are hilarious. There's a couple of bangers in here. I can. I took a peek at the list and. Cause, you know, and we'll get.

[A]

Want to do a topic.

[B]

We'll get to that.

[A]

We wanted to.

[B]

Because the top. Yeah, yeah. Because the topic. The topic was really more about, you know, what, what, what, what do we want? What are we looking forward to in life? And you're looking forward to being off the road and I'm looking forward to hanging out, Ryan.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

That's what it is.

[A]

That's right. And so how do you feel that you're off the road till November? This is the first time in 15 years. Years, yeah. Probably.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You've taken yourself off the road for a couple of months, right?

[B]

I've taken myself off the road for seven months. So how I feel is I need a little spice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So what we do is, you know, we're gonna. If we can't go on the road and get out that way, then you need to do a little bit. A little hand grenade to your life.

[A]

That's what you need to do. Just create a little fun.

[B]

No, I'm just. I'm just joking. Everything's fine. Everything's all good. And, you know, it's nice to be spending a lot of time back at my mom's house. Yeah.

[A]

Because you got big things coming up. You got big, big, big things.

[B]

Yeah. Big things coming up. We got Soul Joel's wedding.

[A]

We got soldiers wedding coming up March 7th.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And of course, he figured out a way to book Mad Dog on March 5 and me on March6.

[B]

It's just what it is.

[A]

So he just. He's using his weekend wedding to also produce show.

[B]

It's just what it is. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

[A]

I wouldn't have it anyway. Neither would he.

[B]

So that. That'll be good. And yet.

[A]

Because I'm going to get a check in the. I'm going to hand it right back.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, because the wedding is next week.

[A]

The wedding's next week.

[B]

Yeah. Because don't forget this. The one of the.

[A]

Are you going?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

We're going to have a good time.

[B]

Going big.

[A]

We're going to have a good.

[B]

Are you sleeping over?

[A]

I'm sleeping over because I got to go there on Friday. I'm doing the show there on the 6th.

[B]

Right.

[A]

March 6th. Potts down, Pa. You're going to stay, but.

[B]

So your wife's going to sleep over in Potsdam, PA for two nights. Potsdale, pa. Is there a bigger nightmare for her because. No, because your wife. She's dead. Pots down is not cute.

[A]

It's not cute, but she needs. I mean, she needs a little break. It'll be.

[B]

Yeah. Night.

[A]

Where she's away from the kids.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

And of course, the whole time, she'll

[B]

be FaceTime, FaceTiming the kids. Thinking about the kids. That's what it is. You go out just to talk to the kids. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But I need to take her on a vacation. Big.

[B]

Yeah. What do you guys.

[A]

She's a girl from Long island, so we zeroed in on Fort Lauderdale, as I like to call it. Long Islands, French Riviera.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

Yes. She's a girl, likes Fort Lauderdale. She doesn't like Mexico. She doesn't like drama. She's not into whatever foreigners are doing.

[B]

Right.

[A]

She just wants to be able to know that the hospital, they speak English. They does.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, it's just what Long Island. Long island people care about. Safety.

[B]

Safety.

[A]

Imaginary or not.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They just want to feel safe, even if there's nothing to feel unsafe about.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

So we always get a hotel as close to the hospital as possible, just in case something happens.

[B]

Is that really truly a thing? Because that's a 10 out of 10.

[A]

It's. It's all thought out. It's like, what's the weather going to be? She'll be talking about the weather for two weeks. She'll be watching the Weather Channel to make sure we get good weather. And she will definitely zero in and know where the hospital is in proximity to our hotel in case something Happens.

[B]

It's what it is. Well yeah, yeah. Well she has to do that because make no mistake, you got. You were skinny when the show started. Now you're fat again. And so you can always go down. You're at the weight where you could just go down. It's just always got a snooze in your mouth and you always got the wig in the back pocket ready to do a cameo.

[A]

We all do what we got to do to get through.

[B]

But I'm saying so she needs to know that Yanni needs to be close to a hospital.

[A]

I need to be close to a hospital. Cuz. Cuz you never know what I'm going to go down.

[B]

It's what it is.

[A]

It hits you all of a sudden. You never know when the subconscious just

[B]

going to hit you.

[A]

You never know when your shadow is going to creep up, put you in a full.

[B]

Well, we usually know because we get a text out of nowhere.

[A]

Yeah, we do get a text out of nowhere.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And we will read Those [e-mail] history hyenas the list as always. Thank you. The only way to join the Patreon. Join the the show where the real fun is at is you got to go to patreon.com history hyenas we read

[A]

out the names and I will say this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not a good time to vacation in Mexico.

[B]

Yeah, I wouldn't go to Mexico if I were you.

[A]

I would take a little break. Maybe I'd see if your. If your airline does a little refund.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And if the all inclusive can book you for another year.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because right now it's just a little hot, right?

[B]

Yeah. No part of Mexico. I wouldn't go anywhere. I don't even go to Jackson Heights, queens.

[A]

So Ladder 14.

[B]

All right, Nick. All right, so Keith Carlson. Then we got daycare monkey with the light bulb head not bright, just inbred. Put him on the list. You know what? I'm too high to stop.

[A]

Yeah, put them on the list.

[B]

Xavier decided. Dallas. Shane. Ovoids. The blacker the berry, the bigger the gooch.

[A]

Lot of 14.

[B]

I don't get it.

[A]

It's a chicken finger.

[B]

All right. Kelly. Oh, then we got a guy who I haven't heard from in a while. Chrissy's power bottom.

[A]

We've gotten like we had that a lot.

[B]

Yeah. The daycare center for fatherless children call it Somali Roy. Say it again. Oh, oh no. The daycare center for fatherless children call it Somali Leroy. Like a Somali daycare Leroy Drexler. Okay.

[A]

Let me ask you a quick question. If you were gay, would you be top or bottom?

[B]

If I was gay.

[A]

Because there's nothing funnier than picturing your legs in the air.

[B]

Yeah. I want to say that I'd be a top, but I'd probably be a bottom.

[A]

Yeah, because you don't look like a bottom. That would be weird.

[B]

Right? And by the way, I understand that this entire. I understand the one thing that my family has asked me is to stop making all the gay jokes. And then I just did 45 minutes of them, so I'm sorry, I'm on substances. You're gonna have to deal with it. Okay. Chase Sillager. Jordan Newberry. Twinkerbell. It's funny one.

[A]

That is what we call a definition of a chicken fish.

[B]

Yeah, Twinkerbell is really good. Yeah, Twinkerbell. I'm actually.

[A]

That's borderline. No.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That belongs, doesn't it? I'd put it on. Yeah, put it on.

[B]

The list is too good. Nice. Colin Reed. Nathaniel. Natalie Booth. Brian Coppinger.

[A]

Twinkle Bell is actually Tim Dillon's little secret.

[B]

That's what it is.

[A]

It's his little secret. Group chat y rotation of Twinkerbell.

[B]

That's actually a great app to think of.

[A]

Twinkerbell.

[B]

We call Twinkerbell, and it's gr. It's like. It's grinders, competition.

[A]

Bears looking for twinks.

[B]

That's what it is. All right. Thank you, Nick.

[A]

Dude, we just. Twinkerbell.

[B]

Twinkerbell.

[A]

It's an app.

[B]

You're in. Nick's writing it down. Perverted Santa. Thomas Gucci. Tommy.

[A]

We don't like a perverted Santa.

[B]

It's what it is. This. Unfortunately, those are the ones that work at the malls.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Arthur Delgado. Ryan Skaggs, free agent guard. Going hard to the hole. Mason Meyer. DJ King Aaron. Deep Throat and toes to the ankle. Bones Jones.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Kid gets deep in there.

[B]

Uncle Leroy's Brown rice. Immediately abbreviated for Greek last name. Farting the glue out.

[A]

Wait. Immediately abbreviated for Greek last name.

[B]

Immediate. Immediately abbreviated her Greek last name. I don't get it.

[A]

Yeah, because the Greek names are long. Right?

[B]

Almost.

[A]

He almost got himself Drexler.

[B]

Right? Immediately. Yeah. Farting the glue out. 9. You like that list?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Yeah. Farting the glue out. 9 11. Sponsored by 7 11.

[A]

Oh, Jesus. It's good, though.

[B]

What can you do?

[A]

Yeah, it's good. It's gonna be gone. The walked into one, but it's a good one.

[B]

Easy, Brennan. Bring back taste buds. But it's just Chrissy Mook Bar. I've never been on that show. Honky boy, Divorced from my lady Leroy. Okay. Kelly Gallo, Ethan Hoffman.

[A]

White kid who's got a divorce from

[B]

his black what it is. Yeah. Veterans Walk and talk. Okay. Backdoor troubadour, drawny. $5 bozo. Cronky 82 Drax. The something. I can't see it. Santiago. If I talk in my sleep, please go wrist deep and ventriloquist fist me.

[A]

Put him on the list.

[B]

Okay, yeah.

[A]

Put him on the goddamn list.

[B]

Just what it is. MJ Silver Fang, Jonathan Norwood, Gabriel Nadler, Seth McIntyre, Brandon Nagel. Straight to the back, but it'll cost $3.

[A]

Drexler.

[B]

They didn't build the pyramids, just the tunnels underneath. Jewish joke?

[A]

I think so, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Mindy Kates. Frisbee and Frisbee Law.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, yeah. It's basically.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Did you get yourself Frisbee and Frisbee?

[B]

And if you didn't, then you should go get yourself a Frisbee and Frisbee.

[A]

Get yourself a Frisbee and Frisbee.

[B]

Thomas G. Sean Stokes. Moises. Born in anchor baby, but only date white women. Just to be sure.

[A]

Put him on the list.

[B]

That's what it is.

[A]

And I'm going to say contender.

[B]

Yeah, that's what it is.

[A]

I'm going to say contender.

[B]

I like when the fans give us, like a statement or something about them in the name. It's very good.

[A]

And I love an illegal who does his due diligence. Yeah.

[B]

It's just what it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Javier Cernas, Adrian Angelo, Eric Estella. Purple pocket box. Came for the pod, stayed for the gay sex.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Bill Frolicking around a Gaza airstrip. Call me a if you're reading this, Chris. I mean, you're gay folk. You gk rk Michael Hernan, Christy Gnome. Stop taking Mexican kids. You're up. My backyard baseball game on the list. Okay, there it is. Cameron Begin. Steve Kerr, son Nick.

[A]

We've had that.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yep. Yep. Sorry. Yeah. I've walked into it.

[A]

Yeah, you walked into one, but what

[B]

they tried Christian Mayers, Horchata cannon. Chrissy's ham Cannon. Sports card breaks, Somali pirates, AKA Dings on dinghies.

[A]

Wei Song.

[B]

It's what it is. Yeah. I mean, we can't. We can't, but it's the walk did it one.

[A]

What do I do?

[B]

What?

[A]

It's the funniest one. What do I do? Put it on the list.

[B]

All right. Put on the list. Who cares? I don't have anything in development. God, it's so funny, Michael. Call me Miss Piggy. And make your meat. And make me your meat. Meat puppet. I'm in Tim Dillon's basement on all fours I'm now a coffee table. Okay, get through one Drexler. All right. Suzuki tits with a sandy wife. Thanks. A la no fumes. Mayo Monkey with jungle fever. Call me Tarzan.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[B]

Put my piece in a diner monkey now. It smells like feta. It's just what it is. It's true.

[A]

Ladder 14.

[B]

Adamar agents HK. First the Jews, now the Mexican. Call it franks and beans.

[A]

First the Jew, but the franks.

[B]

I don't hear that. Yeah.

[A]

Huh?

[B]

Frank? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Creative. But it's a. Walked into one.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

She was a nice girl.

[B]

Yeah. Nicholas.

[A]

Christ, she was innocent.

[B]

Nicholas Macklem. Joshua Chacon. Built like a gyro white and tight. Page B. There's a chink in my fence and it's digging through my recycling binge.

[A]

Ladder 14.

[B]

Even Nick's laughing. Oh, God. Oh, God.

[A]

If he didn't use that word.

[B]

Yeah, but Jesse's in a mood to put him on.

[A]

Should we just.

[B]

Should we just put on. The fans will appreciate if we just put them on. Put them on. Just put them on.

[A]

Just use another word. If he just used another word.

[B]

Yeah, because he kind of had me going. I mean, I didn't think it was

[A]

going to get racial if he just used another word. An Eastern hemi in my fence.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They get through my recycling. Yeah, because they're good at that. Is anyone good?

[B]

Because he meant like a chink in the chain. Like, that's what I'm saying. It wasn't real racial like you.

[A]

Oh, it was racial.

[B]

No, I know it ended racial, but I'm saying he. That's the word he needed to use because it got me. You know what I mean? If you use other word, it gives it away.

[A]

If Nick's okay in it, Nick's okay. Nick is our. Is our progressive, far left judge. Does that get on the New York Post? Did it about Jeremy Lin. Remember that?

[B]

Oh, yes. They chink in the armor. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

But is that okay?

[B]

I mean, yeah, if it's okay for the New York Post.

[A]

Yeah, it's.

[B]

And it's okay by Nick.

[A]

If Nick says fine, then it's fine.

[B]

Yes. Do it, wiggers.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. True. Then we got Third Reich Puerto Rican, babe. Okay. Sounds hot. Ice makes me cream. Walked into 1. Matt McCusker has a bad case of the Leroy. Oh, no.

[A]

Oh, no, no. We don't want to do that. His wife's Black.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I didn't realize. Okay. Matt's good friend of the show. Will hide Latina mommies from ice. One child per target bot. Tim Chandler, Sortos beer boss. UCF tight end looking for blown coverage in the secondary.

[A]

That's very good.

[B]

Very good. Undercover.

[A]

Yeah. Drexler.

[B]

Cuz he wuzzy has no hair. Muzzy Wuzzy is. Wait. Oh. Cuz he wuzzy has no hair. Muzzy Wuzzy say a prayer. That's what he said. John Cholibus, victim of bad read. Sorry. The artist formerly known as.

[A]

You get walked into one Hitler.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. Kiki Michael, Ian Wenby. The Latinas can stay.

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Frisbee Free since 1933. Okay. Jesus Christ. The thing is, if you're gonna be kind of like racist like that, it's gotta be kind of one that stops. If you're gonna take that swing, you gotta really hit. It's like a stand up comic doing a bad Asian driver joke. You gotta make it a home run.

[A]

And in their defense.

[B]

Defense.

[A]

They usually do.

[B]

They usually.

[A]

They usually do make it very good. Yeah.

[B]

Sammy B. Namin. Mark V. Straight to the back. But don't touch my Drexler. Mack Leaky roof for Epstein. Proof the Emergency Banking act of 1933. AKA the Great Frisbee Heist.

[A]

Ladder 14.

[B]

Andrew Oscar Valdez. Furiana Gaming. Brian Mahoney Jr. Joe Harkins. Travis James server. Angelisa Arjun. My Achilles heel makes her squeal. Donkey riding ff. Send me to the glue factory. Derek and Sarah Argenteri. You gay Muzzy. Call it Radical Jizlam. And then last.

[A]

Wait a second.

[B]

You like that?

[A]

Radical Jizlam. I'm going to put that on the list.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

I'm going to put the Gay Muzzy Radical Jizzlob.

[B]

That's made the list.

[A]

Yeah, I really like that.

[B]

And then we got. I'm not gay. I'm just greedy. And we just got one more page. A few more. A few more names. You know, episodes a little delayed. So we'll just give it to you and then. Cause we got it. We do have a great list, so this is good to stick around.

[A]

Really strong list.

[B]

Matt's Mossening. Cecilia Harvard. Ryan Bowes. Use a short straw to slurp my poo. Ethan Zerjeski. I love you, dad. Say it back.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

This Leroy knows the golden ratio. Nachi. Whoops. Black. But he made me.

[A]

Very funny.

[B]

Unfortunate.

[A]

Walked into one.

[B]

Very.

[A]

You. I mean you're.

[B]

I'm reading.

[A]

It's your right to walk into that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. What Is a black guy.

[B]

Yeah, I'm an artist. I read. Yeah, just read what's in the page. Not convince Yanni can read. Can he do the next five? Mike cleaning out him. Mike cleaning them out for it. I got clipped by Father Francisco. That's what it is.

[A]

His memory came back.

[B]

I would alert the authorities.

[A]

I would alert the authorities.

[B]

Yeah. PAP smear enthusiast. J.T. thompson. Kristen Sherman. JFK was a member of the Peace Party. Yes. Yeah. Piec.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Ryan Coon. Frisbees are to be thrown, so why not in the oven? Oh, Jesus Christ. Fixing one leaky roof at a time@roofer outlet.com. good website. Andrew Leary. Throw tea in the harbor. I heard Teabag Harper. Okay. Somali shekel collector. I like my mini soda with lots of ice.

[A]

Okay, going for it.

[B]

Sean Hammond. Andrew Rosinsky. AK Mitts 907. How many names do I have to create to get on the list? Yeah, I'm sorry.

[A]

I'll give him a drex so you don't have to keep doing it.

[B]

Brendan McConville, D.C. open to daycare now. Captain Phillips is here. This list must be from a while ago, because this is. This is when we were doing. So Molly. Yeah, we. We must be like a month behind, right?

[A]

At this point, probably.

[B]

Yeah. But we'll catch up to you. But that's why you got to join.

[A]

Because, listen, a lot of people join. We have a big patreon. There's nothing we can do.

[B]

You just listen every. We will get to your name and

[A]

if you haven't joined, join you. Toot, toot.

[B]

Matthew Anderson. Quebec fume, babe. 51st State Yass. HIV flu. Jesus. Jesus Christ. If I had two balls, I'd be in prison. Testosterone is a hell of a drug. Anita Cheeseburger. Drew Steve Kane. And then last but not least, BB the Frisbee gives me the heebie jeebals. Okay. All right. Okay, so we read. So now we have a list.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so we have a list. I think there's some. There's. At first we thought it was pretty light, but then, as always, it just comes up with some. Some, you know, some big ones.

[A]

We got one Lebron James on there. I think it was like the third read.

[B]

Okay, so let's go back to the beginning. Daycare. Monkey with a light bulb. Head not bright, just inbred.

[A]

Okay, so that's more of a walked into one.

[B]

Right?

[A]

So more of a walked into one.

[B]

Twinker Bell.

[A]

We're keeping that around Twinkerbell's. Yeah.

[B]

Farting the glue out.

[A]

We're keeping that around.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. And then we have. Have gay Muzzy call it Radical Jizam.

[A]

We're keeping that around.

[B]

All right. There's a chink in my fence, and it's digging through my recycling bin.

[A]

It's. I'm leaving that to Nick.

[B]

Keep it around. Nick saying keep it around. Yeah.

[A]

I'm not touching that one.

[B]

Yeah. What Nick is looking for. What Nick is doing is he's looking for a lawsuit that we get sued, and then he's going to get a claim on it. He's going to get more money.

[A]

That's what he's got.

[B]

Still be. But still be able to claim SNAP benefits because he's in a lawsuit.

[A]

Yeah. Nick is of a protected group, and he says keep it around. I just want to say that, yes,

[B]

Nick is a protected group.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

If I talk in my sleep, please go wrist deep and ventriloquist fist me.

[A]

That's got to stick around. It's one. It's a strong list.

[B]

Born in anchor baby, but only date white women. Just to be sure.

[A]

We're going to drexer that even though it's really good. This is what you call any other day.

[B]

Kristi Gnome. Stop taking Mexican kids. You're up. My backyard baseball game.

[A]

We're going to Drexlert Var. Very good, though.

[B]

Somali pirates, AKA dings on dinghies.

[A]

We have to legally.

[B]

Even the nation of Somalia said keep it. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

It's so good. But we're gonna drex.

[B]

Okay. All right, so here is the list. We've shaven this down to 1, 2, 3, 4. We got six on the. Yeah. Six on the list. Twinker bell farting the glue out. There's a chink in my fence and it's digging through my recycling bin that

[A]

can't be posted on the site. So we're just gonna have to. You know, it's one of those things that's just not fair. I think if you would have said Eastern Hami, it could have worked as good.

[B]

But it doesn't. But then. But then the word that he needed was the word he had to use.

[A]

Yeah, but we can't use the word.

[B]

You know, what we'll tell this kid is, is he fights hard for this nation.

[A]

He goes on Shane Gillis's website.

[B]

Yeah. He's farts on this. You know, he knew that there was only one, the only way to get the kill. He knew he was gonna have to sacrifice himself like a kamikaze pilot. Yeah. And he did it for this, for this history and his Nation he knew using would get him dis fight. But it's also the only way to win.

[A]

It's the only way.

[B]

He is actually the winner.

[A]

He's a kamikaze pilot, but he's dead.

[B]

Yeah. You know what we'll do? He's in memoriam.

[A]

He's your memorial.

[B]

You're.

[A]

You just created a new category called the kamikaze pilot.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where so you are the funniest. But we can't.

[B]

Yeah, it's just. It's just what it is.

[A]

So you're actually the winner.

[B]

You're the winner. Yeah. But we just have. You're dead, unfortunately. You died while trying to win.

[A]

You died trying to win. If I hope it would worth it, but you know, there's no way we can put that on the website.

[B]

It's just what it is.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so they're out. But Godspeed, gay Muslim, call it radical Jizlam.

[A]

We're keeping it.

[B]

Okay, if I talk in my sleep, please go wrist deep and ventriloquist fist me.

[A]

It's wordy. We're going to. It's a very funny visual.

[B]

Right.

[A]

We're going to Drexler.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Any other day.

[B]

And then Somali pirates, AKA dings on dinghies.

[A]

You know, we. We got to get rid of that. Yeah.

[B]

Legal, but. And you know what? I'll say this is one of this interesting thing where this is like we have two kamikazes on one episode. If these were independent, they both would have gotten the same award for the same reason, but they canceled each other out because Somali dings on dinghies. We also can't post, but is a way to eat. But he's winning knowing that he's going to lose.

[A]

Yeah. You guys. You guys. You guys are Pearl harbor, right? Yeah. They're Pearl harbor pilots.

[B]

That's what it is.

[A]

Pearl harbor pilots.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Pearl harbor pirates.

[A]

Yeah, Pearl harbor pirates.

[B]

The Pearl harbor pirates. And if you know, you know, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, okay, so the. The last three are Twinker Bell, farting the glue out, or Gay Muzzy call it radical Jizlam.

[A]

What's the first one again?

[B]

Twinkerbell keeping it. Yep.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Farting the glue out.

[A]

We're gonna drex for that. Okay, so we got. We got a runoff.

[B]

Gay Muzzy call it radical Jizzlop.

[A]

Those are two perfect chicken fingers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is a toss up because they're perfect.

[B]

Can I just say, I agree with you wholeheartedly, 100%, but it's one of those things where when you come down to this final round. It's, you know, one word. What's the knockout punch? Because he said gay Muzzy. Call it radical Jizlam. When. If he would have just put Jiz lam, we would have gotten the joke.

[A]

Joke. Right.

[B]

Jizlam was enough. Right, but he put all the other words. So, like.

[A]

But he had to set up what Jizlam is.

[B]

No, but if he would have said Jizlam, I would have understood that it's some type of homosexual Islam.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because it's Islam covered in jizz.

[A]

Right, right, right, right.

[B]

So I would have understood it. And that's why Twinkerbell.

[A]

Twinkerbell's a winner.

[B]

Twinkerbell could have also written, like, you know, small twink day and then Twinkerbell. So if Twinkerbell didn't exist, radical Jizzlom's the winner. That's my opinion. What do you guys think?

[A]

I agree with that.

[B]

Thinking.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah, I agree with that.

[B]

So, Twinker Bell, you are the winner. Go to patreon.com history hyenas. Oh, I'm sorry. And go to history Hyenas is back dot com. See your name up in lights, Twinkerbell. You are the winner. And I would just go ahead and DM Tim Dillon, because you're in.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

Yeah. ABC Wednesdays, the Emmy winning comedy Scrubs is all new.

[A]

This is a whole new chapter for me. No more sad sex.

[B]

That's what I'm talking about.

[A]

I want both of us, our sacks to be fun.

[B]

You two idiots are perfect for each other.

[A]

From executive producers of Ted Lasso and shrinking. We were all a part of this victory. Now get those nachos out of the preemie. Warmer nachos. Feels like there's more applause for the nachos than my speech.

[B]

The new season of scrubs Wednesdays 87

[A]

Central on ABC and stream on Hulu.