History Hyenas Podcast Episode Summary Title: Tom Segura Chooses a Pope
Hosts: Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas
Guest: Tom Segura
Release Date: April 24, 2025

Episode Overview

In the "Tom Segura Chooses a Pope" episode of History Hyenas, comedians Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas welcome renowned stand-up comedian Tom Segura to discuss the intriguing and often tumultuous history of the Papacy. The episode blends humor with historical insights, delving into the darker chapters of the Catholic Church's past while humorously speculating about the future leadership of the Vatican following the unexpected death of Pope Francis.

Pope Francis' Passing and Immediate Reactions [00:00 - 05:10]

The episode kicks off with the shocking news of Pope Francis' death. Chris announces the dramatic first Latino guest in response to the Vatican's historic leadership, setting the stage for a candid and comedic exploration of the Papacy.

Notable Quote:

• Chris Distefano [02:02]: "If there's one day in the world when we're going to have a Latino guest on, it's today."

Speculations on the Pope's Death [02:16 - 05:20]

Tom Segura and the hosts humorously speculate about the reasons behind Pope Francis' sudden demise, touching on controversial topics with their trademark irreverence.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris Distefano [02:23]: "The rumors were that it was fentanyl, but the media is saying it's not."
• Tom Segura [02:27]: "Those guys get away with anything behind those walls."

Historical Corruption within the Papacy [14:49 - 32:50]

The conversation shifts to the extensive and often sordid history of the Papacy. Tom and the hosts recount stories of notorious Popes like Pope Alexander VI and Pope John XII, highlighting their corruption, abuse of power, and moral failings. They emphasize how little the modern public knows about these historical figures despite their significant impact.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris Distefano [30:20]: "Nobody's heard about him until we talked about it today on the hyenas."
• Tom Segura [31:24]: "The Vatican built that? It was just mob."

The Conclave and Selecting a New Pope [42:56 - 53:43]

As the Vatican prepares to choose a new Pope, the discussion turns to the conclave process. The trio humorously debates potential candidates, including cultural and racial considerations, reflecting on the diverse modern world versus the traditionally European leadership of the Church.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris Distefano [43:20]: "It's just listing them like this."
• Yannis Papas [46:22]: "Our Hollywood movies, they make China. We need that market."

Personal Anecdotes on Catholic Upbringing [20:00 - 23:18]

Both Chris and Yannis share their personal experiences growing up in Catholic families, discussing the indoctrination and cultural aspects of their upbringing. They touch on topics like confession, guilt associated with certain behaviors, and the challenges of reconciling personal beliefs with familial expectations.

Notable Quotes:

• Tom Segura [20:16]: "I am just in New York."
• Chris Distefano [22:24]: "I was making jokes about the Pope today on local Connecticut radio. A thousand, like, cannot handle her."

Listener Engagement: Pseudo Penis of the Week [63:01 - 75:56]

In a lighthearted and humorous segment, the hosts introduce the "Pseudo Penis of the Week," where they read and judge creative and often absurd listener-submitted names. This segment showcases their comedic chemistry and interactive relationship with their audience.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris Distefano [63:55]: "If we got anything that they need to find."
• Yannis Papas [64:35]: "I like how it's now Christopher Maloney's lonely ass."

Conclusion and Final Thoughts [75:56 - End]

As the episode wraps up, Tom Segura praises the hosts' chemistry and comedic prowess. They briefly touch upon upcoming projects, tours, and the significance of maintaining humor while discussing serious historical topics.

Notable Quotes:

• Tom Segura [75:56]: "You guys have unbelievable chemistry together. It's fun to watch."
• Chris Distefano [76:08]: "Absolutely. I read it every morning like it's a pop-up book."

Key Takeaways

• Historical Insight: The episode provides a humorous yet insightful look into the darker aspects of the Papacy, shedding light on corrupt Popes that history often overlooks.

• Cultural Reflection: Through personal anecdotes and discussions, the hosts reflect on their Catholic upbringing, highlighting the cultural and societal influences of the Church.

• Future Speculations: The conversation around selecting the next Pope opens up discussions about diversity, modern influence, and the evolving role of the Vatican in a globalized world.

• Comedic Engagement: The "Pseudo Penis of the Week" segment adds a layer of humor, engaging listeners and showcasing the hosts' ability to blend serious topics with lighthearted banter.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Chris Distefano [02:23]: "The rumors were that it was fentanyl, but the media is saying it's not."

2. Tom Segura [31:24]: "The Vatican built that? It was just mob."

3. Chris Distefano [43:20]: "It's just listing them like this."

4. Tom Segura [20:16]: "I am just in New York."

5. Yannis Papas [64:35]: "I like how it's now Christopher Maloney's lonely ass."

Final Thoughts

"History Hyenas" successfully marries comedy with historical discourse, offering listeners both laughter and knowledge. Tom Segura's participation enhances the episode, providing additional comedic flair while delving into the complex history of the Catholic Church. The hosts' ability to navigate sensitive topics with humor makes this episode a standout in their lineup.

Stay Connected:
For more engaging content and bonus episodes, visit patreon.com/historyhyenas. Don't forget to check out their stand-up tours and upcoming projects for more laughs and insights!