Tom Segura Chooses a Pope

Summary

History Hyenas Podcast Episode Summary Title: Tom Segura Chooses a Pope
Hosts: Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas
Guest: Tom Segura
Release Date: April 24, 2025

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Episode Overview

In the "Tom Segura Chooses a Pope" episode of History Hyenas, comedians Chris Distefano and Yannis Pappas welcome renowned stand-up comedian Tom Segura to discuss the intriguing and often tumultuous history of the Papacy. The episode blends humor with historical insights, delving into the darker chapters of the Catholic Church's past while humorously speculating about the future leadership of the Vatican following the unexpected death of Pope Francis.

Pope Francis' Passing and Immediate Reactions [00:00 - 05:10]

The episode kicks off with the shocking news of Pope Francis' death. Chris announces the dramatic first Latino guest in response to the Vatican's historic leadership, setting the stage for a candid and comedic exploration of the Papacy.

Notable Quote:

• Chris Distefano [02:02]: "If there's one day in the world when we're going to have a Latino guest on, it's today."

Speculations on the Pope's Death [02:16 - 05:20]

Tom Segura and the hosts humorously speculate about the reasons behind Pope Francis' sudden demise, touching on controversial topics with their trademark irreverence.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris Distefano [02:23]: "The rumors were that it was fentanyl, but the media is saying it's not."
• Tom Segura [02:27]: "Those guys get away with anything behind those walls."

Historical Corruption within the Papacy [14:49 - 32:50]

The conversation shifts to the extensive and often sordid history of the Papacy. Tom and the hosts recount stories of notorious Popes like Pope Alexander VI and Pope John XII, highlighting their corruption, abuse of power, and moral failings. They emphasize how little the modern public knows about these historical figures despite their significant impact.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris Distefano [30:20]: "Nobody's heard about him until we talked about it today on the hyenas."
• Tom Segura [31:24]: "The Vatican built that? It was just mob."

The Conclave and Selecting a New Pope [42:56 - 53:43]

As the Vatican prepares to choose a new Pope, the discussion turns to the conclave process. The trio humorously debates potential candidates, including cultural and racial considerations, reflecting on the diverse modern world versus the traditionally European leadership of the Church.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris Distefano [43:20]: "It's just listing them like this."
• Yannis Papas [46:22]: "Our Hollywood movies, they make China. We need that market."

Personal Anecdotes on Catholic Upbringing [20:00 - 23:18]

Both Chris and Yannis share their personal experiences growing up in Catholic families, discussing the indoctrination and cultural aspects of their upbringing. They touch on topics like confession, guilt associated with certain behaviors, and the challenges of reconciling personal beliefs with familial expectations.

Notable Quotes:

• Tom Segura [20:16]: "I am just in New York."
• Chris Distefano [22:24]: "I was making jokes about the Pope today on local Connecticut radio. A thousand, like, cannot handle her."

Listener Engagement: Pseudo Penis of the Week [63:01 - 75:56]

In a lighthearted and humorous segment, the hosts introduce the "Pseudo Penis of the Week," where they read and judge creative and often absurd listener-submitted names. This segment showcases their comedic chemistry and interactive relationship with their audience.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris Distefano [63:55]: "If we got anything that they need to find."
• Yannis Papas [64:35]: "I like how it's now Christopher Maloney's lonely ass."

Conclusion and Final Thoughts [75:56 - End]

As the episode wraps up, Tom Segura praises the hosts' chemistry and comedic prowess. They briefly touch upon upcoming projects, tours, and the significance of maintaining humor while discussing serious historical topics.

Notable Quotes:

• Tom Segura [75:56]: "You guys have unbelievable chemistry together. It's fun to watch."
• Chris Distefano [76:08]: "Absolutely. I read it every morning like it's a pop-up book."

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Key Takeaways

• Historical Insight: The episode provides a humorous yet insightful look into the darker aspects of the Papacy, shedding light on corrupt Popes that history often overlooks.

• Cultural Reflection: Through personal anecdotes and discussions, the hosts reflect on their Catholic upbringing, highlighting the cultural and societal influences of the Church.

• Future Speculations: The conversation around selecting the next Pope opens up discussions about diversity, modern influence, and the evolving role of the Vatican in a globalized world.

• Comedic Engagement: The "Pseudo Penis of the Week" segment adds a layer of humor, engaging listeners and showcasing the hosts' ability to blend serious topics with lighthearted banter.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

1. Chris Distefano [02:23]: "The rumors were that it was fentanyl, but the media is saying it's not."

2. Tom Segura [31:24]: "The Vatican built that? It was just mob."

3. Chris Distefano [43:20]: "It's just listing them like this."

4. Tom Segura [20:16]: "I am just in New York."

5. Yannis Papas [64:35]: "I like how it's now Christopher Maloney's lonely ass."

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Final Thoughts

"History Hyenas" successfully marries comedy with historical discourse, offering listeners both laughter and knowledge. Tom Segura's participation enhances the episode, providing additional comedic flair while delving into the complex history of the Catholic Church. The hosts' ability to navigate sensitive topics with humor makes this episode a standout in their lineup.

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Stay Connected:
For more engaging content and bonus episodes, visit patreon.com/historyhyenas. Don't forget to check out their stand-up tours and upcoming projects for more laughs and insights!

Transcript

[Yanis Papas]

What's up, everybody? We got an amazing episode today with guest Tom Segura. Wanna remind you to go over to.

[Chris Distefano]

Where Chrissy patreon.com history hyenas not only do we have bonus content there that lives exclusively at Patreon, but you know how you guys hate the ads so much between YouTube ads and regular ads. YMH ads. Well, at patreon.com historyhinas ad free episodes, no ads.

[Yanis Papas]

You get them a day early, uncensored, uncackled. Plus bonus episodes every single week. And additional new show called Snowstorm. Yeah, that's up there right now. Also, Ladder 14 content from the boys audio podcast. Now enjoy this episode from Tom Segura and the Boys about the Catholic Church and the Pope.

[Chris Distefano]

Welcome to another episode of History Hyenas. I'm Chris Estefano, AKA Chrissy Conclave, which me with me as always, Yanis Papas, AKA Peanut Head Papas. And we have our first Latino guest ever that you guys have been asking, can you guys get one Latino on? And we said, we're not going to do it. We're not going to do it. It's not this kind of show. We're not about diversity or inclusion. But we got beaten down by the comments and we said, you know what? If there's one day in the world when we're going to have a Latino guest on. It's today, the morning of the news breaking that Pope Francis, the first Latino Pope, has died. We brought in maybe someone who might be able to take his place, who might be able to bring Catholicism back to where it needs to be. And that's the one, the only, the Peruvian sensation, Tom Segura.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, thank you very much.

[Chris Distefano]

I couldn't think of a P word.

[Tom Segura]

No, it was.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm sorry, I blanked.

[Tom Segura]

It was perfect, man. And just I don't know if we should just do a quick moment of silence for the Pope.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, let's do that. Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. All right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. Felt that he felt that. Now Pope, he died. Obviously the rumors were that it was fentanyl, but the media is saying it's not.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. You never know. Those guys get away with anything behind those walls.

[Chris Distefano]

Because Trump was saying on Truth Social today that this is why we have this, the border crisis. The fentanyl killed the pulpit. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

88. Just fucking huffing fan.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, dude. And X is definitely going with the Jews. I think the Jews are behind it. Yeah. Yeah. If you can. There's always a way to draw a diagram to the Jews, right?

[Tom Segura]

Kind of nice that it is actually. When you don't know, you can say it. You're not wrong.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like some way you could find it.

[Tom Segura]

And there's somebody. If you. Like if today you just walk down the street and you hear about the Pope and somebody goes, no, you go, Jews. They go.

[Yanis Papas]

There's somebody. Yeah, Yeah. I haven't looked into it yet, but yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When is it not?

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, it's one of those things people assume and then they work backwards.

[Tom Segura]

And you gotta. You gotta leap a few different ways. But you can land there.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, you could land.

[Tom Segura]

You can just call my mom. Yeah, but she is, by the way, so, like, upset.

[Chris Distefano]

Legitimately upset.

[Tom Segura]

Dude. South American Catholic is like. They're like villagers, you know, they don't have.

[Chris Distefano]

I know. I was on a radio show this morning in Connecticut. I called in because I got a. In New Haven on Thursday and I did some fentanyl Pope jokes and they bombed hard. They bombed hard. And one of my mom's friends lives in the Connecticut area and was listening when she heard that I was going to be on and she called my mother. My mother's wildly upset with me.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

That I was making fun of the Pope.

[Tom Segura]

First of all, my mom does not play with. But I will try to say, do you think it was the Jews?

[Yanis Papas]

Can I. Can I run my pedophile theory by her or that like, the whole church.

[Tom Segura]

So mad.

[Yanis Papas]

You hearing it? Okay.

[Tom Segura]

She might be.

[Yanis Papas]

She may be in mourning.

[Tom Segura]

Mom. Oh, Mom. God. I. I'm just in New York. I. I gotta run. I just was checking in. If you heard about the Pope. I told me. Yes. I'm devastated. I know. I don't know. I wonder who's gonna replace him.

[Yanis Papas]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

That's going to be the hardest scene. I know. God, I wonder what happened. I don't know if it was like the Jews or what. What happened to him? Well, what do you mean, the Jews? Well, you know, they're always up to something. I gotta run into this thing. I. Because I know he was sick, but he was extremely sick. He got in the hospital after six weeks and he did. Came out in procession yesterday. I saw him and he looks really, really, really sick. Okay, I love you. Let me call you when I get out of this thing. Okay, I'll call you. The weirdest phone call you can possibly. Okay. I don't know if it was a juice. How can the users to deal with pop Dying.

[Yanis Papas]

What is.

[Tom Segura]

Did you sleep last night? No, I didn't sleep that well. But I am.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. And ask him to take care of.

[Tom Segura]

Your soul, not myself. Okay. I. I love you, Mom. I'll call you a little bit, okay? Yeah, I'm sure. You call me. I will, I will.

[Yanis Papas]

Sometimes you gotta plant seeds. You know.

[Chris Distefano]

She defended, so she still doesn't know if it's ever a bit like she was. Just has no idea that she was on a pod.

[Tom Segura]

What do you mean that she.

[Yanis Papas]

This has to be the weirdest phone call I've ever got.

[Chris Distefano]

That's funny, too, to ask her. It's like 10 o'clock in the morning. It's noon. Have you heard about the pulp?

[Tom Segura]

Wow.

[Yanis Papas]

Thumbs up, she said.

[Tom Segura]

This is the weirdest call I've ever.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, it's what happens.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

I mean, now, you know, Tom is one of those sneaky Latinos.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Yanis Papas]

Growing up in New York, I didn't know that there was white Latinos until I went to Miami. And then I was like, there are undercover.

[Tom Segura]

The progressives like to say you present white.

[Yanis Papas]

Right? That's right, Right, right. And there's Latino Jews, too.

[Chris Distefano]

Well, they're there. My, you know, family's, you know, Puerto Rican. And I remember they first heard about Tom when you did you those special in Spanish.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And my George, one of the. My girl's uncles, was like, yo. He was. His whole thing was, yo, that. That white dude can really speak Spanish. And I was like, no, he's Spanish. And I remember George like, nah, he ain't. I was like, no, he actually is. Yeah. It's like he learned Spanish good. I was like, well, he is Spanish. He was like, he's not. He just kept telling me, you're not. Yeah, we didn't.

[Yanis Papas]

We didn't have any white Hispanics. Yeah, no, none. There's no white Hispanics.

[Tom Segura]

Really? Was always, like.

[Yanis Papas]

They're always, like, brownish.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Is your dad Spanish, too?

[Tom Segura]

Well, he has, like. My last name is Spanish from Spain.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Segura is from Spain.

[Chris Distefano]

Segura.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it is Segura. But, like, he could not have been a wider American. Like. Like, white bread guy.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

He's from Louisville, Kentucky. But it's just like one of those things, like, a lot of people where if you go back enough generations, there's a Came from Andalusia, he came to Louisiana, who's a real pig.

[Chris Distefano]

There's always one that gets in.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Did I ever tell you, like, how we found out, like, what an animal this guy was? Dude, we had a family reunion in the year 2000. It was like the big, like, my dad, his three other siblings, and all their children. So it was like 30 people in D.C. and he had one of their cousins, like, one of the. The older, like, siblings. Cousins was really into genealogy, like, like being like. Like the old school way. And like, this is before 23andMe. So this is like, you did the legwork to find out everything. So they got us all together in this room, and this guy was doing, like, a presentation on a board of, like, Segura family history. He finds out. He's like. And in detail, like, he's like. So the first one that came over was this guy named Francisco Segura in, like, 1746, from Andalusia, Spain. And he came to Louisiana. And everyone's like, oh, this is neat. And then they're like, yeah. And he. He started this business, and he was really sick. And right away, when everyone. Someone's very successful in the 1700s, you're like, this is not a good.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, this guy's not good.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he starts, like, throwing out, and then he's like, flipping this thing. And, like, this is the tree where he hung a guy. And we're like, oh, oh. And then it kind of keeps going.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then they're like. And then when he died, we found his will. And he's like, there's like 30 pages of slaves left. And everyone's like, damn. All right. It just keeps going. And everyone's like, well, that was a really nice presentation, man. Thanks for. Thanks for laying that out.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, Right. But look, generations later, still a lot of success.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Your grandfather would be so proud to be so proud. You did that without any slaves.

[Tom Segura]

Any slaves, dude. I don't even know how. That's, like, crazy.

[Yanis Papas]

That's so funny. You see 1500, 1600, 1700, Spanish or Portuguese.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Successful.

[Tom Segura]

Successful. Forget it.

[Yanis Papas]

There's going to be cap. There's going to be whites.

[Chris Distefano]

Get. We get blamed the worst, like, whites for this. But it's like, really, Portuguese and Spanish were real scum, but they're white ones who. Yeah, but they are the one. Yeah, but they're not considered white today.

[Tom Segura]

The craziest thing is, like, as you. As we've gotten older, the whole idea of how we were taught Christopher Columbus, that's one of, like, the fun. They're like, guy came here just looking for what else is out there.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

He was like.

[Tom Segura]

Like, he was just a curious guy.

[Yanis Papas]

Ye.

[Tom Segura]

And then you read that, like, they would cut people's Hands off for fun. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Rape. You're like.

[Tom Segura]

And these guys were complete savages.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And that was kind of like the way it was for the Spanish. Just exploring the world.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Just animals.

[Chris Distefano]

Absolutely. Just destroying people. I mean. I mean, you know, even they say that when Columbus got there, I mean, just the idea of them showing up and just giving everyone disease, I mean, just wiped everybody out. Killed everybody. And everyone's like, we're gonna name the country after. That's our guy. He discovered us.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. This is the guy.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

It's actually America. Vera Spewbe. Right?

[Chris Distefano]

America. His name is Amerigo. Yeah, Amerigo. That's the Italians.

[Yanis Papas]

Him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Like, they're really holding on to Columbus. Be like, we'll take rid of Columbus, but we'll give you this guy.

[Chris Distefano]

We're gonna stay with Columbus, dude. I was there the day. I was there the day when they were trying to take down the statues in Columbus Circle, and. And a bunch of Italians were just standing in front of it with weapons to like, be like, you ain't taking down this one.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. A big moment in New York. They were like, trying to. And I just happened to be in the area. I just saw all these guidos just stand in front with baseball bats, probably guns. They're like, this guy's a hero.

[Yanis Papas]

They don't. It's their hero, Columbus.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's amazing. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

And he's not even like a real Italian. Right. What was this?

[Chris Distefano]

He was from Spain. He flew from Spain.

[Yanis Papas]

No, he flew, but he didn't get sent by Italy.

[Tom Segura]

But he was. He was Italian. He was Italian, but the Spaniards funded the exploration.

[Chris Distefano]

Right, but he's flew with the Spanish flag.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

The Americans were.

[Yanis Papas]

You have. What about Marco Polo?

[Chris Distefano]

Right. For Italian.

[Yanis Papas]

I mean, look at what he did with the noodle. He took the noodle.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Yanis Papas]

And it really sort of gave a culture what it's good at.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Like that Christopher Maloney spaghetti. That guy with a big fat ass from Law and order. Yeah, yeah, him. Dude, I want him to be on our statue. Just imagine that is statue of just a sick ass. You ever seen pictures of his ass?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Chris Distefano]

Can you pull up quickly. Christopher Maloney's ass? And then we'll get to the history of the Pope. Just pull up Christopher Maloney's ass and tell me if. Just if you didn't know this was a guy. If you know this was a guy. No. M E L O N I. M E L O N I. Yeah, Christopher Maloney's ass. And if you just Take a peek.

[Yanis Papas]

I like how it's now Christopher Maloney's lonely ass.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I mean, yeah. That. Well, no, there's better picks. I mean, the kids got an absolute dumper. Yeah. I mean, yeah. If. If. And if, you know, there's. There's better. Wow. Yeah. It's just absolutely. If you had no idea that that was a man's ass and he shows it off a lot. You want to go with that Winnie the pooh shot right there? If you see that. Yeah. Just pull it up. It's a nice peach, this. Yeah, I'd like.

[Yanis Papas]

How do you. How do you know that these pictures are here?

[Chris Distefano]

Just. It's a. No, but don't take out Chris.

[Tom Segura]

Lonely Chris is ssa.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Yeah. A lot of people think I'm in the ss but it's actually the ssa. Yeah. Yeah. I mean. All right. I mean, yeah, the kid could do splits, but. But yeah, he's the.

[Yanis Papas]

You like a guy with a nice strong.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, yeah. Real catcher's ass.

[Chris Distefano]

I like a strong man. Like, I've been watching old episodes on hulu of New York undercover.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Chris Distefano]

That show?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And I've been rewatching because I just. I just get nostalgic about 90s New York. And I watch it with my family and my aunt, and I just. I'm watching it like every day I'm watching another episode and. And it's very fascinating to see New York at that time or to see. We kind of got the same problems. They're talking about the same issues in the 90s as they are today. Like, nothing's new. But really, I'm slowly falling in love with Malik Yoba.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Chris Distefano]

Malik yoba, the black man who plays J. J.C. one of the cops. There was. There was the Spanish guy, Eddie Martinez, and then Malik yoba. And a 25 year old Malik yoba is just a gorgeous man.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And there's just no way to say that. I'm not saying that I'm not gay. I'm just. I'm just honestly giving the guy credit.

[Yanis Papas]

Sure.

[Chris Distefano]

That he's just a malik yo. But. 28 year old Malik yo. But from New York undercover.

[Yanis Papas]

Not my. He's not.

[Chris Distefano]

It's just. It's just a beautiful man that will get kissed softly on his lips if he ever comes in contact with me.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, I'm more of an Eldritch Elba guy. See.

[Chris Distefano]

No, but this guy blows him up, put him in New York undercover. Put him. Malik yoba, New York undercover. Shirtless, Christopher Maloney's ass. Yeah. Shirtless. And then. Yeah. So he's just. You know what I mean? And he's just. He's just a hand. He's just a hottie with a body. Yeah. If you look. Well, that's Morris Chestnut.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, right. And he'll get. Yeah, he's another one that. Yeah. You live.

[Yanis Papas]

Human encyclopedia for shirtless black actors.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's just. It's just what it is. But. But yeah, the Pope is dead.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, that is true, too.

[Chris Distefano]

So today, here on the show, we're going to talk to you when. Take you through. There's a very interesting history of the Popes. Do you know about the Popes, Tommy?

[Tom Segura]

I mean.

[Yanis Papas]

That'S a funny story.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty telling. The other story.

[Chris Distefano]

Which one?

[Tom Segura]

The green room story. Oh, what? Tell him. Dude, when the DJ came in.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Do you remember this?

[Chris Distefano]

Wait, which one?

[Tom Segura]

When we were standing in my dressing room.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, tell them now. Tell him that. This is great. The story I forgot about. Unbelievable. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So we're in my dressing room at msg, and it's just like, we had to go early, you know, for soundcheck, and just. So we're just kind of like, killing time. People are socializing. I have music on in my room, and there's a couple people just hanging out. And I'm standing in there with Chris. We're just talking, you know, walking around. And then this dude comes in. He's. He's Red Man's crew. And I. Right. I was like, oh, that's the dj. And he just comes in. He's just, like, kind of looking around. He's like, nice. I'm like, yeah, what's up, man? He kind of looks around and he sees all this display that's on the table that actually, like, Red Man's team had given me, like, this piece of art, basically. He's like, oh, this is cool, man. I was like, you haven't seen this? He was like, no, I haven't seen this. I was like, oh, cool. I was like, yeah, he's looking at it. And then I go, how long have you been with. With Redman? He goes, what year those towers come down? And I look at Chris and we both go, 01, 2001. And then he goes, so that's when I was out with Dos Effects. So, yeah. So that's when I linked up with Redman after that.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, he did.

[Tom Segura]

I go, that's a good way to.

[Yanis Papas]

That's a good way to remember to anchor your memory.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, because it marked time yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Because he was.

[Yanis Papas]

Where were you born? He goes, one of those towns.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I was like, the only thing that would have been better is if we had been like, oh one. He was like, right. So. So 06 is when I met him.

[Chris Distefano]

We were just talking about after he left, like, just the, like how amazing. Like it really is, like, just like fascinating, like how he comes in and like that's his frame of reference. Doesn't even understand how funny it is.

[Tom Segura]

Not at all.

[Chris Distefano]

He's like, he didn't. He would be like if we. Even if he heard this, he would be like, I don't rem saying that. Yeah, like, because that's just. He was like, them towels come down.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, like, actually I joked as I walked from a. From him, I goes, it's nice. You can always remember because of that. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

He goes, well, they said never forget.

[Tom Segura]

Never forget. Yes.

[Chris Distefano]

And red man just confidently calling him Tom Cigar.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, you know, he's got MSG sold out, Red man's opening for it and goes, yo, my man Tom Cigar. And it's just legit about it. It's Tom Cigar. You got said he's a big fan.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah. You got to expect that. You got to just expect that. Like, it's just white names are difficult for.

[Chris Distefano]

For black.

[Tom Segura]

You got it. And you gotta roll with it for sure and be like, for sure.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

I've been brought up on stage as Yan Uranus.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Give it up for up his people.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yours has got to give people some palpitations.

[Yanis Papas]

The black ones I did early on just. I've been a few times. It was just Yan, keep it up a. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I would always get brought up.

[Tom Segura]

People see your name, you go, come on, man.

[Chris Distefano]

Stupid ass name.

[Yanis Papas]

It's a joke.

[Tom Segura]

It can't be real.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I mean, it's just. But it's just something that. It's fine. It's just acceptable.

[Yanis Papas]

Charlie Murphy used to call me. Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Like yawn. S. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

It's what it is.

[Yanis Papas]

It's just my name was always Yawn.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

They just struggle with two syllables or more. They say not John or Dave or. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I remember one time I was doing a show with Donnell Rawlings at the Laugh Lounge and my black comic was, you know, Donnell's obviously black. And then there was another black comic on and he did this bit that like kind of was bombing and he was like laying on the floor while his bomb. And in the middle of A packed show, Donna, because it was bombing. Donnell was just in the back room. He went, yo, get your ass up off the floor, man. He said this, Harrison. And then the black kid just slowly got up and he tried to do another joke. And Donnell was like, nah, next, next. And then the crowd just starts laughing and heckling. It's like, it's just part of what it is.

[Yanis Papas]

Oh, they were vicious, though. Yeah, those rooms were vicious.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

One time I, I bombed so bad that. And then I had to walk through the crowd to leave. Yeah, it was just brutal.

[Tom Segura]

I did an East LA room that was all Mexican. One time that I bombed so hard at, like, just so painfully hard. And then I did that thing where I got off and I told the guy, I was like, yeah, man, you know, I'd come back. And, and, and then he went on, he goes, he goes. He said he'd come back.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I was like trying to be confident. He was like, this, wants to come back.

[Chris Distefano]

His granddaddy must have had.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I was like, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

All right, here we go. So. So this guy, Pope Alexander. So, first of all, the papacy, the honest papacy, has been around for 2, 000 years. Right.

[Yanis Papas]

And how Catholic are you to start?

[Tom Segura]

Well, I mean, I grew up Catholic. Oh, yeah?

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I mean, Catholic school, you know, every holiday, church, every Sunday, church. If it was a Catholic holiday during the week, we go do that, pray the rosary all the time. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Like, do you still go? No, no, no. It would be. That's a funny juxtaposition. It's like YMH live on the chest smearing. And at 10:00am and then 12:00 mass.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, no. And I feel like it took my parents a long time before they finally released the hook of like, oh, these, the kids aren't going to be like us. Like, when I was coming home from college, you go to church on Sunday. When I was coming home to visit them in my most of my 20s, it was like, you're going to church today? I was probably over 30. First time I went home and it was Sunday and they were just like, we're going to church. And I was like, right. And then. And they, and it wasn't accompanied with a guilt trip. They were like, we'll see you guys later.

[Yanis Papas]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

It took them 30 years.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

No, you see, I. For me, it took. Because it's like such a Catholic family. It took me having. Jasmine is not Catholic at all. She's Christian. But it's like, you know, the, the Spanish, you know, like the freaking Church of Latter Day Whatever where they dance around. It's like, yeah. Tickets to get in. It's like they sell tickets on Stub Pub. Like, that's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Right? The church is like in the back of a gas station.

[Yanis Papas]

Is that the ones that say, like, Iglesia? Yeah. And it's like. It was like a former storefront.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. It's just. It's just one of those. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the back of a Dunkin Donuts.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And so it took her to make me kind of realize, like, she was like, you know, I love your family. She was like, but when they tell our daughter that she's going to hell because she didn't go to church, that's not good for her development. I was like, what do you mean she is going to go to hell if she doesn't go to church? She's like, no, Chris, you're. The reason why you bite your toenails from anxiety is because of that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So just know that the guilt. We're not. Our children are not going to get raised with that. So if they want to go to church, they can. But if your mom tells our daughter one more time that she's going to hell, I'm going to tell her the truth about you, which is you have a gay son, so he's going to hell.

[Tom Segura]

So.

[Chris Distefano]

So I was like, it took it because you get so indoctrinated with this stuff. Like, my mother is legitimately, like, blood boiling mad at me that I was making jokes about the Pope today on local Connecticut radio. A thousand, like, cannot handle her. Like, I had the biggest disgrace.

[Tom Segura]

The one thing when I started doing standup that, like, I knew that she can, like, cannot joke about.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

You cannot joke about abortion with her. You just can't. She just does, like. And you cannot joke about Catholicism with her.

[Chris Distefano]

She just still to this day, you wouldn't even write material about it because of that.

[Tom Segura]

Even later on when I call her today, she's gonna be like, what were you. And I'll just like, dismiss it and make her know that I'm not joking. And then it'll be like, okay, yeah, but if you're, like, making fun of Catholicism to her, she does not. She just can't see the can.

[Chris Distefano]

You can't handle it. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

As a non Catholic, I gotta say I respect that sort of fear that they instilled for silence.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

I respect that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. She like. And I was raised like. Like, I, I probably. I mean, not probably. I did pro Defend Catholics as a kid. I mean, because you are indoctrinated so hard.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

And. And there's a lot of fear.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So you're, like, fearing that you're upsetting the man in the sky. You know what I mean? Like. Like, very legit. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Do you ever get a look from a priest? Like, you ever get one of those, like, you know, luckily, little glance down.

[Tom Segura]

The only weird thing that ever had. Because I was never an altar boy or anything. Because when you do confession and you're raised to be like, this is where you should. You have to say these things you call confession.

[Yanis Papas]

I call it community blackmail.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, exactly.

[Yanis Papas]

I call it.

[Tom Segura]

So I used to con. Used to confess. Masturbating. That was like, you're taught that. And I think the term. You go, I was impure, and I was con. Doing confession. And I mentioned that. And the priests on the other side was, like, breathing hard and, like, asking me to. Tell me about it.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

And as a kid, you. You probably didn't know. You're like, wow, this guy must have just ran here. No. Because why is he tired?

[Tom Segura]

I was like, I knew I knew something.

[Yanis Papas]

He knew something was up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Yeah. I was like, yeah, right?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He kept asking me for, like, details, and I was like, what?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Wants to know. Tell him a full picture. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

But he didn't know. He was talking. It was a young Thompson girl. You're like, I watch guys nailing their ball. That's what makes.

[Tom Segura]

And the guy's like, hey, man, I'm losing my erection. Could you. Could you switch it up, dude?

[Chris Distefano]

My mother used to tell me that when I masturbated, the angels were crying. Dude, did you hear that? A lot. Like, that was a very. I guess my mom's age range of mother would say the. The angels cry every time you masturbate. And you can do that, but just know that you're upsetting the angels and they're hysterical crying. So I would just, like, have to think about that. I would just think about just, you know, so.

[Tom Segura]

By the way, it's so insane.

[Chris Distefano]

So ins. So insane.

[Tom Segura]

But you're sitting there.

[Yanis Papas]

But you know, to me using it as lube.

[Chris Distefano]

Cause the other day I realized I was paying for two cable bills because I got that Rocket Money app and it just sniffed out like a little truffle pig that I had an extra cable account, and it canceled it for me. And now the kid's only paying for one cable account.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah. I love Rocket Money. I've been using Rocket Money forever. I will continue to use Rocket Money. And you need to use Rocket Money, too.

[Chris Distefano]

Let me tell you something. Let me just tell you something right now. You know what? Also Rocket Money, in addition to canceling unwanted subscriptions and having over 5 million users, that saved people a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions. Let me also tell you guys. It's telling me that you're a handsome kid.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, today I look good.

[Chris Distefano]

He told me that you're just a handsome kid. Yeah, Rocket Money just tells me everything.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, Rocket Buddy's good like that. That's the worst. When you sign up for something you get, you try, like, oh, they'll. You want to try for free for a little bit and then you forget. You forget that it's charging you. Rocket Money reminds you. And then guess what? You get canceled.

[Chris Distefano]

You get canceled. That's. Listen, here's the thing with Rocket Money. It is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. And I want to grow my savings because I want to have enough money to take Yanni out for dinner because he's handsome.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, it's. You see all your subscriptions in one place, which is really convenient, and you know exactly where your money is going. So it is absolutely amazing. It also creates a personalized budget with custom categories to help keep your spending on track. See your monthly spending trends in each category to know exactly where your money's going.

[Chris Distefano]

Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Dot go with Rocket Money. Sorry. With Rocket Money, go to RocketMoney.com hyenas today. That's RocketMoney.com hyenas RocketMoney.com hyenas go right now. Tell them we sent you. Let me tell you something right now. I love your beard. Like I've been telling you all morning, you just look handsome. You look good. You got a tight haircut and then you left the beard. And it's cute. But when you shave it, the only way that you look extra, extra cute without a beard is when you shave your face with Harry's razors.

[Yanis Papas]

I actually use Harry's razor.

[Chris Distefano]

It's awesome.

[Yanis Papas]

So this is great. They're great razors. And you know how I do? I grow the beard for a little while and then I shave it all off and I let it grow. Grin. Then I shave it off.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And you always use Harry's razors. And it's just smooth. They got. Here's why. Also you could just trust them because they're German engineered blades.

[Yanis Papas]

That's it.

[Chris Distefano]

If the Germans make blades, you just know they're good.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah. And just. It's Harry, baby.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I love can you. If you don't like a guy named Harry, that's a you problem.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, it's Harry.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Cuz. And what I like too, because everything in this world is subscription based. It's deliverables you don't have. They deliver the blades right to you. Customizable delivery options for scheduled refills as low as $2. Half what you pay for other big brands. And it's just awesome. I like when the razors just show up at my door. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

And don't trust any knockoffs like Henry or no Hughes. No, it's Harry.

[Chris Distefano]

I get excited when I say kids, when I tell my family Harry's at the door. Your father's gonna go out with.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, Harry. You gotta go with Harry. So right now you can get a 13 trial set for just $3 at Harry's.com history hyenas.

[Chris Distefano]

That's it, baby.

[Yanis Papas]

All one word.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes. Get the five blade razor weighted handle, foaming shave gel and it's. We use our exclusive link, Harry's.comhistory hyenas for a $3 trial set. If you want to be $3 bill, you go to Harry's.comhistory and you get a $3 trial set.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, I'm a fan of the Catholic Church because I feel like that level of sexual repression creates a very hot kind of.

[Chris Distefano]

Sure.

[Yanis Papas]

Sexual psyche. You know, like makes everything forbidden.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Yanis Papas]

Which makes it nice. It's almost worth it.

[Tom Segura]

It.

[Yanis Papas]

It's almost worth it for the girls that it produces.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, right.

[Yanis Papas]

You know, right. They were hiking up the Catholic school dress.

[Tom Segura]

Well, the Catholic school girls thing, when you're. Yeah, dude.

[Chris Distefano]

If you were. If you were, you know, in. In the, in the early 2000s, you know, well, late 90s, when I was in high school. In high school. 1998, 1999. If you were a Catholic high school girl and you had an ass like Christopher Maloney. I was in.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I was just waiting for you to talk about Christ.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And look, if it's produced maniacs from the beginning, Pope Alexander VI, Rodrigo Borja, Italian kid. He was the pope from 1492 to 1503. Now this guy was a wild guy because he possibly murdered people and he was assassinating people while he was acting pope. So a lot of times these crime, you know, the papacy and Catholicism, it just hides criminals because this was Basically a mob boss in a rope. He was the Mafia guy that would just kill everyone. You know, Cesar. Cesar Borgia, who was the military commander at the time. He was like. The Borgias were like. You know, they would fight with, like, the. Who was the other big family in Italy?

[Yanis Papas]

The. The Medicis.

[Chris Distefano]

The Medicis and the Borgias were going together, so they would basically have this pope. See, the thing is with history is no matter how bad it is, like, you would think everybody heard about a pope who was killing people, who was a mass murderer, but the truth is nobody's heard about him until we talked about it today on the hyenas.

[Yanis Papas]

I mean. I mean, when you look at how many kids may have gotten got throughout the centuries. Silence and nobody talking about it is a big, big part of what the Catholics are good at.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of people don't today realize just how powerful the Catholic Church was in this era, like, for generations, centuries. The amount of money, power, influence and control they had over an entire continent was like, unrivaled. Like, you can't even begin. If you go to. When we went to Italy and you go to. To Lake Como and you're taking a tour on the lake and you're looking at these, like, these villas, these estates, the guy driving around goes like, do you know, like, when this was built? And you're like, when they're like 14 something and like, do you know who built it? No, he's like, the Vatican. And I'm like, that. The Vatican built that? Yeah. That was for a cardinal to just live in, and then he decided it wasn't big enough, so they built him that one. And it's just like. It's just mob.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Just like. Like that's not a house for a. Yeah. A man of. Of the clergy, you know, it's like. It's a palace.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. This whole idea of like, oh, the Pope, like the Pope who just died. Pope Francis. He. He was. He was all about, like, modesty. Yeah. And he went the other way because.

[Tom Segura]

That'S what you're supposed.

[Chris Distefano]

But that's a new thing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

For hundreds of years. You're right. It was just like they. Were they rappers.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

A thousand percent dressed like rappers.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

They just walked out to, like, Kendrick Lamar.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. Not like us was playing.

[Yanis Papas]

Just to be able to get away with that for so long. Going like. And God preached a rich man has a better chance of getting to heaven than camel going through the eye of a needle and just saying that in, like, just a gold dome.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Ropes on and a robe.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Marble everywhere.

[Tom Segura]

It's insane.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah. Your own. Your own country within a country.

[Tom Segura]

And then, like, we're doing this is just, like, the material stuff, but then these guys were straight up just killing people.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Well, here's this one. Brings us to Pope Benedict IX. He was the Pope three times. Three separate times between 1032 and 1048. So he kept just being the Pope, then leaving, then coming right back. And he was accused of corruption and selling the papacy. He became the Pope at age 20. He was accused of rape, murder, and general debauchery. One guy said he lived as a demon from hell in the disguise of a priest. He sold the papacy to his godfather so he could get married. Then he tried to take it back later. So that's pretty wild.

[Tom Segura]

That quote is insane.

[Yanis Papas]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

That somebody said lived as a demon from hell in the disguise.

[Chris Distefano]

And it's one of those things where, like, I love to go back in history, because it's like, I don't need another spider, man. I need a movie about Pope Benedict ix.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I want the. Who. Who is the rapist murderer pope.

[Tom Segura]

Incredible.

[Chris Distefano]

I want to watch that movie.

[Tom Segura]

I would love to see that.

[Chris Distefano]

That's gonna be. That's gonna be Conclave 2.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

When it comes out.

[Yanis Papas]

Well, he became pope at 20, so it's like, can't do that. You can't do that. You can't give a 20 year old the papacy. Is that what it's called, the papacy?

[Chris Distefano]

The honest papacy?

[Yanis Papas]

The papacy, yeah. You just can't do that.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I mean, Pope John xii, Sex in the Vatican. This guy gambled, drank heavily, invoked pagan gods, and he got caught having sex in the basilica multiple times, and he possibly died under mysterious sexual circumstances. Some say he was beaten by the husband of a woman he was with. So this guy was just wild. We say, guys, when we say you have a screw loose, we say you got a leaky roof.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, this guy has got a leaky roof. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

He just was a psychopath.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And then this guy I thought was funny just because of his name. His name was Pope Stephen, which everyone else.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

It's like this guy was just Pope Steve.

[Yanis Papas]

Steve.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. They call me Pope Steve Stevie Popes. And he was a. He got accused of corpse desecration. He put the dead body of Pope Formis Formosis on trial, dressed it in papal robes, and screamed accusations at the corpse. Then he found the corpse guilty, cut off its fingers, and threw it in the Tiber River. So it's just what it is.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I mean, that was in 896. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Because before, we were under constant video surveillance.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

This is how humans acted. Like, if there was no cameras on the people in charge and there was no way you could just take someone out to a field and do that. People would do that.

[Tom Segura]

People would do much crazier shit.

[Chris Distefano]

Our leaders are just not doing that now. It's like, oh, there's a system of rules.

[Tom Segura]

It's so crazy now because you. We can't comprehend what's next. But the fact that if you ask somebody could tell you all the streets you walk down today, they could just be like, yeah, we have face scans of it like that. Like, who knows what comes after that? The fact that you're tracked, act everywhere you go completely changes behaviors.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's like, even if you go back 30 years when there's really not that much surveillance, then we have so many more like serial killers and crazy happening in the. In. In the streets. All that goes down because we're surveilled 24.

[Yanis Papas]

That's what's probably. That's why there's probably no serial killers now. They just can't get away with it. Huh?

[Tom Segura]

You can't.

[Yanis Papas]

And they're probably frustrated, and that's why they go, like, I'm just gonna get an AR15 and just blow up a school and then kill myself.

[Tom Segura]

Because the only. I have a theory on it that the only way you could be a serial killer would be to be so disciplined in the fact that you have no pattern that it would. You know, I mean, like, you'd have to, like, kill someone in Maine and then in Arizona.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like. And it would have to be the planning and the amount of time it would take, like, because those guys always, like, stay in regions and just. There's no way you could do it. It's really sad.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, you could just. Yeah, you could just. Nobody could get away with it because it's like, you just take a couple of crimes and then you just ask chat GPT. You're like, who would this most likely be? And they're like, oh, that's Tom. Tom did that every time he had he arena show, he just killed somebody. Yeah, just like, that's Tom. It's. I have it right here.

[Yanis Papas]

That's the way they got Vince Champ.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, that's right.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

I forgot about that.

[Yanis Papas]

They finally looked at his touring schedule.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Ah, that's the guy.

[Tom Segura]

That's right.

[Chris Distefano]

Vince Champ is in all. If you guys don't know, he's an old comic that was squeaky clean. Like, that was the thing about him. He never cursed. Yeah. Never uttered a bad word. Didn't even say poopy. But yet he was.

[Tom Segura]

He was Star Search.

[Chris Distefano]

Star Search.

[Yanis Papas]

He did Carson. He had a career.

[Chris Distefano]

And he was going and doing college shows. And then after the shows, raping girls and then having them pray with him to forgive him for his sins. And then it just took one cop who just looked a little bit up to our schedule and said, oh, I think it's Vince camp.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, I mean, yeah, that was my favorite part. He would. He would sodomize them, and then he'd go, let's pray together. And at that point, you're going like, come on.

[Tom Segura]

There was. There was this Lafayette police officer. It's like a famous case where he was on duty like an active officer, and he was breaking into homes and assaulting women. And then on the way. Like, the women said that, like, on the way out, he'd be like, look, you gotta. Gotta lock these doors.

[Chris Distefano]

You gotta.

[Tom Segura]

Like, he would tell him. He's like, you gotta. You gotta. You're not being safe.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they were like, appreciate it.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like, these windows are. No, like, you tell them, by the.

[Yanis Papas]

Way, just so this doesn't happen again. Let me give you a few tips.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

One of the ways that they. Like, one of the hints to the investigators is the way that he held his flashlight. Because lay. People hold their flashlights like this, but cops hold them like this.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

And he was always like this.

[Chris Distefano]

He always had his gun under his flashlight. Like, just.

[Tom Segura]

They were like, wait, he held his flashlight up here? And they're like, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Weird.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

He had a walkie talkie.

[Yanis Papas]

Maybe that's how they figured out if the killer was white or black. They were like. Was the bullets angled like this?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Like.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So there was a pope. Pope Pius xi. Now they're saying that he condemned aspects of Nazism, racial ideology, pagan nationalism. But the Nazis were just saying that he was their guy. The Nazis. Right. Just kind of the. Not. The thing is with the Nazis and propaganda is they were just like, look, Pope Pius is our guy. And we're just gonna. You know, he's. He's telling us that what. You know, we're. We're. As Nazis, we're being good Catholics. So.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, well, he. They. Him and Hitler, like, signed some sort of pact. Right, Right. They made him sign a pact saying, like, Hitler is going to respect the Catholics in Germany. In Germany. And then sort of the Catholic Church kind of looked the other Way. With a little cleaning that the Nazis wanted to do.

[Tom Segura]

It's just one little kind of a handshake deal.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, it was like a handshake deal.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Well, I. I heard something, too, about the Nazis. About how, like, Winston Churchill and FDR and the Allies knew what was happening in the Holocaust. Just that it was. Was this site. The Nazi scientists were just basically doing experiments on, you know, the Holocaust victims, and they were getting results so that Winston Churchill and FDR were like, you know, it sucks, but it's like, maybe we'll get. There Might be a profit here, might be a little business here. You know, get a new type of medicine or something we could sell big. And then once he just started killing everyone and not doing the experiments, like, all right, now we gotta jump.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

It's just what it is.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Happens.

[Tom Segura]

Well, this is how business is done.

[Chris Distefano]

After I was gone and been there. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, just even. But, like. Yeah, you could get away with that for a while, too. Like, they had camp set up and.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

They were. They were exterminating people, and you couldn't do that now. Someone would just take a phone and.

[Tom Segura]

Be like, what the.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, well, like. Like, the people I love, the. The German citizens. Have you ever seen, like, the interviews of, like, the surrounding towns of concentration camps? They're like, we had no idea.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

What was going on. And the interview, it didn't smell like a barbecue.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Like, all of a sudden, it was just barbecue for months. And, like, we just thought they were making barbecue. Thought they were having hasen. Yeah. You.

[Tom Segura]

You all knew. You definitely knew, man. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

And so you saw the jewelry store was closed for more than a week. You're like, what's going on?

[Tom Segura]

Add up.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, they.

[Yanis Papas]

They said they'd be back in 15 minutes.

[Tom Segura]

It's so crazy how. But, like, it just is. So, like, highlights human behavior. Like, if. If people in power start doing something and you're not the target of it, then human beings just go, like, yeah, okay, I'm safe. I'm okay. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

It's basically how it is being a New Yorker. You know, like, you see, like, a stabbing happening in the train. You're going, like, it's not happening to me. Don't say anything. Don't intervene.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

That's one of my favorite Louis CK jokes where he said his family was in town from wherever, and they got. They'd never been in New York, and they got off the train and they saw a homeless person, like, on the. On the floor, like, bleeding and, like, screaming. And they were like, his family's like, oh, my God. And they went to help, and Lou's like, no, no, no, no, we don't do that here. Yes, yes. Leave it alone.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. What?

[Yanis Papas]

He said he's in pain. He's in need. And they're like, yeah, that's just.

[Tom Segura]

That's just.

[Yanis Papas]

We leave that.

[Tom Segura]

We leave that here. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Or like, my dad was always the. Like, he thinks every homeless guy is just, like, faking it. So, like, I remember, like, a homeless guy literally came up, no legs, in a wheelchair in traffic in the Holland Tunnel when they used to do that. And my dad was like, everyone locked the doors, locked the windows. This guy's faking it. I was like, he has no legs, so there's no way I could see. He's got, like, an infection. And my dad's like, don't do it. It's all fake.

[Yanis Papas]

He can work like everybody.

[Chris Distefano]

That's prosthetics. It's how they get you gypsy. Cause I. I was having sex the other night, and I took a blue chew before. And I'll tell you what, man, this guy, he told me that he's never felt anything like it. The guy really had a nice time when I took a blue Chill.

[Yanis Papas]

Have better sex with BlueChew. BlueChew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And starting now, now bluechew is offering a combo so strong, it'll knock your socks off and your neighbor's socks off as well.

[Chris Distefano]

It's what it is because this guy, he really, he really enjoyed. And so at the best part, it's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting line at the pharmacy. You just got a rock hard piece. Yeah. And it's just ready for anybody to touch it. Guys, girls, it don't matter.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, you know, it comes right to you. So nobody knows. Everyone just thinks your piece is just. It's steel, right? Piece made out of steel. Bluetooth's got you covered.

[Chris Distefano]

I love it, dude. I make life easier by getting harder. And discover your [e-mail] and we got a special deal for our listeners. As always, try the first month of Bluechew free. When you use promo code Hyenas, that's H Y E N a s. You just pay that five dollar shipping. That's promo code HYENAS. Visit bluetooth.com for more details and important safety information. And of course, we thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast. And I thank, thank that guy. You know, for, for really giving me a good time. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

If you knew his name, it wouldn't be gay sex.

[Chris Distefano]

It wouldn't.

[Yanis Papas]

Because you're not supposed to know his name.

[Chris Distefano]

All right, so now the Pope. So now the Pope is dead. So Pope, Pope, Pope Francis dead. So now, Jesse, I want us to pull up. I want the three of us here to put a bet on and we can do this, hopefully through DraftKings, put a bet on who's going to be the next Pope.

[Tom Segura]

That's a big one.

[Chris Distefano]

That's a big one. Because now we're feeling. Giannis and I in here are feeling that you can't go with another white guy. Guy. You had the Latino guy. You had the, the, you know, you can't go back to white. So it's going to have to be. We got a Chinese kid is in there as a Filipino guy, a couple of black guys and then a couple of. A couple of races we don't know. But let's pull up. Yeah. So this guy already, I could tell you, is out. We got a fat face, white guy. His name is Cardinal Jean Marc Aveline.

[Tom Segura]

We don't want a French Pope.

[Chris Distefano]

No, you don't want a French Pope. I don't trust them. I think that, you know, they're. Yeah, go down. There should be a list. I thought we. I thought we had a list of possible ones.

[Tom Segura]

It's just, it's listing them. It's listing on them like this.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I want to see their pictures, though. There was. I think it was the New York Post. Maybe they had a possible.

[Yanis Papas]

New York Post is good at pictures instead of words.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

I love the New York Post. I read. I read it every morning like it's a pop up book.

[Yanis Papas]

The New York Post you can look at, which is great. Yeah, you can just walk.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah. Put in the New York Post and.

[Yanis Papas]

Then get up the Instagram of newspapers.

[Chris Distefano]

There it is. This is the one that I read this morning. Morning. Yeah. Yeah. So. All right. So, I mean, it is wild. I mean, Pope Francis, let's just be honest, he did not look good towards the end. That does not look like a guy who was going to survive.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Well, since they found out about the baby blood, these guys have been struggling with their health.

[Chris Distefano]

So this is the guy. Cardinal Go down. Yeah. Cardinal Tagel, He's a Filipino one. Cardinal Cardinal Lewis Tegel. Now, I think this guy is my pick. I think we call him Eastern Hemis. I think in Eastern Hemisphere is going to be the one because with the Influence China has and all that. They want an Eastern Hemi in that seat, man.

[Tom Segura]

It's a. It would be a wild. I don't think that's anything like that's ever happened.

[Chris Distefano]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Because it's really about those other. The other Cardinals voting go. How many of them are going to be like, Eastern Hemi is the way to go.

[Yanis Papas]

But he stacked the court, right. Yeah, he. Pope Francis nominated a lot of guys who were really. Yeah. Who were like liberal into what he was doing. It's basically, he stacked them with a lot of a. Like pro. Abortment. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

The highest chance of getting a. Not like a truly non. Like, this guy's not going to make it. Cardinal Pietro Parolin at 70. He just looks like too many other.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Guys, I'm sorry to say. I know you guys are Catholic. I don't want to disrespect, but there's no way I'm leaving this guy in a room with my kid for more than five seconds.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Yanis Papas]

I mean, it's just on his face.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

I mean, it's just. It's on a lot of their faces. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy. Not. No, no. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

This is the Frenchman.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's the favorite. Favored.

[Chris Distefano]

He's the favorite.

[Tom Segura]

That's what it says. He's the favored successor.

[Chris Distefano]

See. No, I don't. I don't think. I really in my heart think that. It's like there's no way they can give it to another white guy. It's just not possible. But if you're. If they're saying he's the favorite. But you never know. Because what happens now? If you watch the movie Conclave. What happens now? Yeah, it's great, is they're going to start to go and they're going to start to dig into these guys. Pass. So, like.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Chris Distefano]

If they got anything that they need to find.

[Yanis Papas]

Oh, and they got stuff.

[Tom Segura]

They got stuff.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah. I'm not giving it to this guy, this dud. No way.

[Tom Segura]

Way.

[Chris Distefano]

No way. A freaky deaky Dutch is. I'm not having your way shoes walking around my frickin Vatican.

[Tom Segura]

There's no way they're voting for the Dutchman.

[Chris Distefano]

No way. It's not happening. Let's see, he's 71. How about this guy? Cardinal Malcolm Ranjit. This is an Indian kid.

[Tom Segura]

That's crazy.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Could you imagine, dude.

[Tom Segura]

But this is.

[Chris Distefano]

Maybe.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe it's 20, 25. Maybe it is going to be the Filipino or the Indian.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what I'm thinking.

[Tom Segura]

That's the time it could happen.

[Chris Distefano]

That's. This guy's from Sri Lanka.

[Yanis Papas]

Well, if you think about it as a business, you want to go where the population's at, right?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Our Hollywood movies, they make China. We need that market. So you want to go Eastern Hemi just to.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty crazy.

[Chris Distefano]

And if you do really want to fight, get the out of here. This guy, Cardinal Robert Sarah, is legitimately from Africa.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

He's from Dakar.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So I don't know if. I don't know if they. Can you do that. You. Are they allowed to vote for that? Imagine somebody puts a vote, like, are we allowed? I want to vote for.

[Tom Segura]

Is that can question mark?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. They're like, I think if I'm allowed to.

[Tom Segura]

That's.

[Chris Distefano]

You think he has zero chance.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I don't like, it depends on what this. This conclave looks like. Right. Like, I do feel like there's. It's like anything. There's a time where you go, it's impossible. And then you get enough people that think a certain way that, like, evolve, progress along, that these things are possible. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. This guy's standing with the other cardinals, because that's really what it is, is that they go, we have the confidence in this person.

[Chris Distefano]

We can agree on this. We can agree on this. That for sure. Cardinal Robert Sara from Dakar, definitely, out of all the candidates, does have the biggest.

[Tom Segura]

He has to.

[Chris Distefano]

That we can absolutely.

[Tom Segura]

By the way, check that box. I'd like him in charge. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Now, are you guys saying this because he's a African gentleman?

[Chris Distefano]

Well, I'm just. No, not necessarily. I'm just saying he just looks like a man with a big penis. He looks like. That's what the robes cover.

[Yanis Papas]

Right? Right.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's all dick under there.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah. Now, is he. Is it tough because he's black?

[Chris Distefano]

Black.

[Yanis Papas]

Like, are you saying it's gonna be tough to have a black Pope?

[Chris Distefano]

Well, not for us. We don't mind. But I think the Papacy is gonna not do that.

[Yanis Papas]

That would be funny if Tom was like, whoa, whoa, don't speak for me.

[Tom Segura]

Hey.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. No, I'm saying that. Yeah. I don't want no black guy.

[Tom Segura]

No, I think it's. It's funny because it's like, it. You know, there used to be movies that like the whole premise of not even that long ago, they're like, imagine if we had a black president. And like, that was the hilarious premise that, like, Bernie Mac is the president.

[Chris Distefano]

I can guarantee this. This I can guarantee you this. If Cardinal Robert Sara from Dakar somehow does win the Pope, within minutes after he is nominated or accepts the Pope, in my group chat, one of my friends will send this Pope in the Pope mobile with rims on it.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

That's what's going to happen. And all those memes are going to start to go around, explode.

[Yanis Papas]

Absolutely.

[Chris Distefano]

Like pimp my ride, Pope mobile.

[Tom Segura]

And the chain will be.

[Chris Distefano]

It's just within minutes. I mean, literally moments.

[Tom Segura]

Park Hill projects kind of thing.

[Chris Distefano]

I mean, moments after, moments after Donald Trump got shot when his ear was bleeding and he had that fist up in the group chat, they put, let's go Mets over that picture. So those are the kind of friends I have.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Yanis Papas]

Now let me ask you this question. Woman possible.

[Chris Distefano]

No, no, no. Because there's no way you have to be a cardinal.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So I think a woman will become a priest in our lifetime. I think they'll open that up. Probably priests get married.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe that by the time we're a little bit older. A little bit. Yeah, yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

It's either they're going to either let women in, let the priest get married or just let the priest be pedophiles. They're just going to let them have a kid.

[Tom Segura]

Just start. Guys, here's the thing. You shouldn't, you shouldn't. That is like a biological function of being a human being.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And repressing it is just, it's, it doesn't good results.

[Chris Distefano]

Greeks, Greeks allow their priests to marry.

[Yanis Papas]

Do you think it's because of the repression that happened?

[Tom Segura]

I think so.

[Yanis Papas]

I think so.

[Tom Segura]

I do think, I do think it at least plays a role in it where like these guys are fighting this human urge that is virtually impossible to resist. Right. Like it is.

[Yanis Papas]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

It's like part of our, it's like our primary function as living beings. So it's, it's, I think it's crazy.

[Chris Distefano]

Priests and Popes especially have to absolutely crank it on a daily basis. Right.

[Tom Segura]

And then just cry about it. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Just hit themselves.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, my God, dude, the angels were crying with me. They must be like literally going into.

[Tom Segura]

Shock also, you know, our bodies, bodies, they obviously change as we, as we age. But imagine being a priest at 22. Yeah. And you're just like, I'll just shut this down.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

That's why that Pope went wild at 20. That's just too young.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. There was a 25 year old priest in my old parish and he just had a raging boner every Sunday just through the, through the robes.

[Tom Segura]

And also the tension that. That would build up, like, if he is interacting with some woman who, whether she works there or is a nun or whatever, like, the tension that would build up would be, like, irresistible at some point, exploding.

[Chris Distefano]

All right, let's see who else we got. So we got. So he's probably not going to make it. Then we got. Go down a little bit more. Oh, those are it. So we got Cardinal.

[Yanis Papas]

Those are the front runners.

[Chris Distefano]

Those are the Robert Saar from Dakar, the Asian kid, the Indian kid, the Dutch kid who's not going to make it. And then the Frenchman is the one right now who's in the lead.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. Here's the thing. The closest to. To. To, like, what we're used to is the Frenchman. Right, Right. It's from the region that's still a Catholic, you know, country.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

Historically. And like, I don't know, but I just feel like it might be time for that shift.

[Chris Distefano]

I honestly, if I was Pope, too, I would. I. Because you can pick, honestly, any name you want. It doesn't have to. They just do traditional. But I would go something wild. I would go Pope LeBron.

[Tom Segura]

Something with an apostrophe.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Pope De quelle.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Pope LeBron would be my choice.

[Yanis Papas]

How do they measure? Is it by stats? Is it, like, what do they do? How do they draft it?

[Tom Segura]

Like, so these cardinals are all going to go into this room.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they're going to go through rounds of voting.

[Yanis Papas]

Right?

[Tom Segura]

Right. And then if they don't have the number of votes you needed to be, they'll put them all into this, like, fireplace and they'll put out black smoke, which means that they have to do another session and they'll do rounds of that until they all. Until there's a majority vote for one.

[Yanis Papas]

And what do they base it on? What are they looking at a guy's numbers? Are they going. I think it's got 14. They usually are like, confessions 100.

[Chris Distefano]

These.

[Tom Segura]

These cardinals, you know, it's a power play thing. Right. And it's under the guise of, like, this is a moral and upstanding, but it's. It is just like politics.

[Chris Distefano]

Right.

[Tom Segura]

So they're. They're just going like, you know, he's been acting it, whatever, 40 years, and he's this type of guy. Sometimes they'll also follow along with somebody's. Like, they know that someone might be ultra conservative. And so the other cardinals that are conservative go. We want to make sure. So, you know, and then political.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, my God. So. Because St. Peter was the first Pope, but that was just, like, bestowed upon him by Jesus, they say. So that's. A lot of people have problems with the way this is. They said, if you really want. Because especially Pope, the head of a religion. And there shouldn't be any political thing attached to. It's like the ego, like, it's like the president. It's like, you can't be a good guy and be the president only because the whole thing of you wanting all the power is technically not good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So the Pope wanting all the power, it's like, yes, they're a good guy. Like, maybe they're very religious. Sure. But if you really wanted just the good Pope, you just have to randomly pick someone and say, well, you're the Pope now because you're just a priest. And, you know.

[Yanis Papas]

Do you think they consider now, like, scandals? They looking at a guy, what do they call it, his area? Is he a bishop or something?

[Chris Distefano]

Or you go from car, you go. You out. You go priest, then bishop, then you rise up the ranks. Just like. Just like, dude, it's like. Like Tom said, it's like a politician. It's like being around.

[Tom Segura]

Have, like a region.

[Yanis Papas]

So they're like regional managers.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

If this was a corporation, the Pope is like the CEO. Yes. And then the Cardinals are like the regional managers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, exactly.

[Yanis Papas]

And then you got franchises.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Priests.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah. And those are like Indian guys that owe Subway.

[Tom Segura]

It's a hell of a business.

[Yanis Papas]

It was a big.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, ours was a big art. It was big in my community because the. It was Bishop Thom Dolan. Bishop, we would always thank Bishop Thomas Dolan at the end of every Mass. And then Bishop Thomas Dolan became a cardinal.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So that was you like that. I remember that being the Ridgewood Gazette. Like, dude, our bishop just made it to the big league.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's big.

[Yanis Papas]

He got called up.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. He got called out big. And it was huge news.

[Yanis Papas]

Does any of it have to do with the charisma, the way he delivers a sermon?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. You can't. And you also have to play the game the right way. Like, you got to be out there and being like, you know, gays go to hell. You have to do that.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah. But now, well, this guy's.

[Chris Distefano]

He's.

[Yanis Papas]

He cozied up to the gays.

[Chris Distefano]

The last a little. But he did stop short. Pope Francis did stop short of saying gays should allow to be married. So I think the media. You're going to see. I think the media is going to want to See a guy get in that's going to allow gays to be married. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, this every. It's almost hard to have new popes that aren't somewhat more progressive than the last, because just like you be. You're Pope sometimes for 20 plus years. So, like, you just. Times change. So, like, there's conservative Catholics who think. Think that Pope Francis was too progressive, you know, like, that he was, like, moving along too many things.

[Yanis Papas]

But are they making the same mistake that Hollywood made and assuming that people want diversity and they want lgtbq?

[Tom Segura]

Bingo.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah. Are they. Is it. Is going back to white the way to go? Nate Bargazi, Shane Gillis. Is that the way we go?

[Chris Distefano]

It could be.

[Tom Segura]

It very much could be. Because these things do swing right on this pendulum at. And it usually goes one way and then people go enough of that and.

[Chris Distefano]

Then go the other way.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So we should make. Maybe the next Pope should just go real old school and be like, our first guy. Just start cutting people's fingers off and throwing them in the river. That be awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe this. This new Pope just goes, not only is gay marriage not allowed, we don't want interracial. Everybody get out.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

And dude, it is wild too, because like. Like Pope John Paul Paul, you know, the second, like, you know, the. Our big Pope of most our life, you know, like, he got shot. He got kidnapped. Like, there's so many things that have happened that we're like, wait, what?

[Tom Segura]

He was beloved?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, Beloved. Dude, he's Polish. I remember. Like, I remember my cleaning lady was Polish and she loved Pope John Paul.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

He was the one that had to go in the bulletproof.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. The Pope mobile.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. The reason, because the kid just kept getting shot at.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

They kept wanting to kidnap him. They just hated him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And he went and, like, forgave the guy.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Big deal. I think. I think he literally, if I'm not. If I'm not mistaken, I think he was actually kidnapped and thrown of a trunk. Of a car.

[Tom Segura]

Car. Wow.

[Yanis Papas]

It was just as a Pope mobile.

[Chris Distefano]

That was it. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Shit's rad, dude.

[Yanis Papas]

So why were they trying to kill him?

[Chris Distefano]

If at least that.

[Tom Segura]

Well, because there's always some extremists, you know, that. I forget the reason of that, but.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, dude, Pope Benedict, the previous Pope, just resigned.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

That was like the first Pope to resign in like a thousand years.

[Yanis Papas]

He's just, like, getting out of the life.

[Chris Distefano]

He was like, I'm not doing it anymore. I don't even know if he's dead.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Or I. I have no idea.

[Yanis Papas]

See, because things do swing. If you look at Afghanistan right now. Now, the Taliban just issued an edict. I don't know if you heard about this. It's true that now. And I'm not making this up now. He. They want women to only have one eye exposed.

[Chris Distefano]

Are you serious?

[Tom Segura]

For real?

[Chris Distefano]

It's a.

[Yanis Papas]

He can pull it up. It's a dead serious. It sounds like a sketch, but it's true. So they want the full burqa or whatever. The stormtrooper outfit. What's it called?

[Chris Distefano]

Sure. Yeah. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

They want. So only one eye. So now it's one eye.

[Chris Distefano]

So one.

[Yanis Papas]

One.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So rule one eye. So. But I don't understand. What do you mean, one eye? So, like, normally they would allow to have two eyes out, but now there you go. One.

[Yanis Papas]

Taliban orders women. Yeah. They only want one eye.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, got it. And then what's the reason? What's the reasoning?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, this is old.

[Yanis Papas]

This is old. Yeah. This is a true thing, though.

[Chris Distefano]

What about the one four days ago?

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Should see with one eye. Linda Rosbin was the one up there. If you look. Yeah. Lena. Yep.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Because I don't understand how that makes sense.

[Yanis Papas]

Here's the.

[Chris Distefano]

Is actually the next pope.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah. This guy. Guy. So he says women should see with one eye. Yeah. He wants him covered up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

One. Ey.

[Yanis Papas]

I guess it's good. It's a good for them to see less of their current situation.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's true.

[Yanis Papas]

That's nice.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like that.

[Tom Segura]

This dude can say this with full confidence.

[Yanis Papas]

Oh, yeah, he's up there.

[Chris Distefano]

No, he's on legit, like there cnn. He's like, one eye.

[Yanis Papas]

He's like, guess what we're going to do.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Why is two too many? Like, do we know?

[Yanis Papas]

I mean, I think.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

I think it's just like tattoos. Once you get a lot, you just want to keep going, you know, you.

[Chris Distefano]

Got them covered up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

It's an addiction.

[Chris Distefano]

I like to see what. What the people say about stuff. Like, are there no comments about this? Okay. Only. Oh, she's got a private account.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Yeah. I mean, look, dude, the Taliban just. They kind of just do what they want to do and they just. They just live life.

[Yanis Papas]

I think maybe one. They were getting a little too turned on from two eyes.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

They were like, let's try one.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Like, I. Yeah, I agree with El. Hila. I agree with Dr. Siraji. I agree with that. I agree with them a lot. I Agree with name cannot be blank. They really make it sense. This guy Weiss at. I really agree with what they're saying. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

Like, you look at. You look at Afghanistan, women started getting a little. We were there. We were. And then it swung back the other way.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

So it's, you know, it's time maybe the Catholics swing back too, right?

[Tom Segura]

That'd be cool. If there's some new rules we don't expect to come out of this.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. From the new Pope.

[Tom Segura]

From the new Pope.

[Chris Distefano]

I would like that. I mean, if they went the other way, that would be very, very, very fun.

[Tom Segura]

A conservative swing, like, in this day and age. From the Church would be pretty.

[Chris Distefano]

It would be fun if, like a young one came in and just. Just got absolutely jacked, like, was just absolutely on steroids and just a monster dude.

[Tom Segura]

Some guy shirtless all the time.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, it'd be awesome.

[Yanis Papas]

And he comes in, he's just like, look, we're not doing any of that, like, woke stuff. And he's like, the. The boy stuff was part of our culture. That's like, we're going back to going back. We're going back.

[Tom Segura]

We're going to be open about it.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, we're going to be open about it.

[Chris Distefano]

You know what's wild too, is Pope Francis was definitely sick, but, dude, J.D. vance just saw him two days ago. Like, he went. J.D. vance went and visited him two days ago and then he died. He really died hours after he met with J.D.

[Tom Segura]

Cavalry Catholic.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. I think J.D. is Catholic.

[Yanis Papas]

Is he? I think a long way. You know, there was a time in this country where being Catholic meant you, like, could not be in power. It was all WASPs.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Pays tribute one day after meeting him. What religion is J.D. vance? Catholic Church. St. Gertrude. Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

He may be one of the only vice president, presidents or presidents we've had who's Catholic.

[Tom Segura]

He was baptized in 2019, though, so that means he's a. He's a convert.

[Chris Distefano]

He's a new. He's a new dude. Maybe he's undercover. Maybe he killed the Pope.

[Tom Segura]

Is this like a wife thing? Did he do it for the Indian?

[Yanis Papas]

Hindi? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, she's Hindu.

[Chris Distefano]

Why did he go Catholic then? That's interesting.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Chris Distefano]

He chose. His patron saint was Augustine of Hippo.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

That's a fun one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

So what do you have to Hippo. This is interesting for people who aren't Catholic. So what's a confirmation state? It's like a sponsor in aa.

[Chris Distefano]

Exactly. So, like, my full name is Christopher Paul Anthony De Stefano. Paul is the middle name. And Anthony. St. Anthony is my confirmation name. That's the patron saint.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Saint Anthony's a patron saint of traffic.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you have one.

[Tom Segura]

I do. And I don't remember what it is.

[Chris Distefano]

You don't have your confirmation.

[Tom Segura]

I don't remember.

[Chris Distefano]

My mom will be more upset about that than the fact that you said the Jews killed the Pope. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So confirmation is like. It's the Catholic equivalent of like a bar mitzvah. It's you becoming an adult in a Catholicism. It's not as. I don't think most Catholics. Catholics see it as meaningfully as Jewish people see bat mitzvahs and bar mitzvahs. But. But it is like you do it when you're like 14, 15. So it's like, hey, now you're a grown up in the Catholic Church.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, I used to go. I went to Catholic church with a few of my friends when I was a kid. And all I can say, I gotta be honest as an outsider. Boring.

[Tom Segura]

It is boring.

[Yanis Papas]

It is. It's the most boring news fast.

[Tom Segura]

My confirmation, by the way, my confirmation class was 13 of us. And we would go to the. The church and. And guess who gave us our confirmation, like, address. Like, when we were confirmed, it was Tommy Lorda. Wow.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Tommy Lorda came in and was like, it's great being Catholic. Gave us his little speech. And then we were like, oh, it's cool. And some kids were like, I don't even know who that is. Like, wow.

[Yanis Papas]

And you're like, those are the gay kids.

[Chris Distefano]

Come on. What was his. What was it? Was it insure? What was. What would he. What was his product? Oh, when we were kids. Oh, it was not nutriment.

[Tom Segura]

No. It was Tommy Lassorta, the Shake.

[Chris Distefano]

The Shake Shake. Tommy Lasorda Shake. What the hell was that?

[Yanis Papas]

It didn't work. Whatever. Yeah, Big fat ass Tommy, sort of fatty shake. Slim, fat, Slim fast. Because he did slim down eventually.

[Tom Segura]

He did.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, he did.

[Chris Distefano]

Tommy la. Sorta slim fast, which we. It's so funny now. Like, we thought that was healthy. Now we know that is absolute garbage.

[Tom Segura]

And he had like that public Persona of. This is like everyone's sweet uncle. And then you can see, like, him miked up on the field like this.

[Chris Distefano]

Oh, yeah, dude, the man. All right, well, here's what we do. At the end of every episode, we ask our fans to go to patreon.com history hyenas and they make a funny name. And then we pick our winner, our ppw, our pseudo Penis of the week. And then we put their names up in lights at History Hyenas is back dot com. So, Tom, if we're just going to read off a few names and can you help? Yeah, just five minutes. Help us pick the winner.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Chris Distefano]

So we just pick it out and then usually, you know, we kind of. We decide who wins and I'll explain the rules.

[Yanis Papas]

So the ones that we really love go on the list. If they're good but not like list worthy. We call that a Drexler. Because Michael. Because Drexler was in the era with Michael Jordan. So it's like Michael Jordan wasn't there. They could have won.

[Chris Distefano]

I got it.

[Yanis Papas]

And then the good simple ones are chicken fingers. And then there's walked into ones where the fans try to trick Chris.

[Chris Distefano]

Somebody will say something racist in the name. And then we say I walked into that one. Obviously we don't condone that kind of.

[Yanis Papas]

And they've got. Yeah, they've gotten very creative and now.

[Chris Distefano]

They really get me in this. Couple times I've said the full N word accidentally. And those are walked into woods. And we. And we. That's not okay. And of course we have extra bonus episodes. We do full other 45 minute plus episodes [e-mail] historyainas and that's where the real fun happens because we could just go off the rail.

[Yanis Papas]

We're gonna let you pick. Pick this one.

[Chris Distefano]

Here we go.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Amazing.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So first some people just choose regular names and we call them straight to the back where they just want their name like they're walking straight to the back of a porn video store. And they don't just here for the content. They're here for the content. They have a regular good job and they have a nice family. So we have Demetrius Perry. Then we got Fumari Shafir and the region of Skanks. The region of Stanks.

[Yanis Papas]

Region of Stanks.

[Chris Distefano]

Victim of a bad read, but probably wasn't gonna make it. Yeah, David Guzzy. Then we got checked in with my dick at the check in after banging out Bin bin. Okay. Then we got put a muzzy on my dog because he wouldn't stop barking. Now he really chases Frisbees. Okay, okay, so tell him what Frisbees are.

[Yanis Papas]

Muzzies are Muslims. Frisbee. Frisbees are juice.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, Frisbees. So he's saying that his dog chases juice.

[Yanis Papas]

Pretty good.

[Chris Distefano]

Pretty good. But not, not good enough to get on the list yet.

[Yanis Papas]

Drexler.

[Chris Distefano]

That's a Drexler Then we got.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, so far we never just exposed to this for the first time.

[Chris Distefano]

So then we got if this Hugo Boss monkey doesn't stop talking about the Yuka app, I will chop my dick off. Shout out to elg bus. So Hugo Boss monkey is a German. It's a German. Not, you know, like a Spanish person will call like a fiesta monkey. Italian to sauce monkey. Yeah. Chinese is a spy monkey.

[Yanis Papas]

So Greeks are diner monkeys or diner monkeys.

[Chris Distefano]

So this guy called Germans Hugo Boss monkeys. He's referring to me because I talk about the Yuka app which scans foods for nutrition. Then he says he's going to chop his dick off and shout out to El Gaboulous who was a famous Roman emperor who was trans.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, this is a pretty crazy name. Like that's.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, but sometimes people go, they. They have too many things.

[Yanis Papas]

But know what this guy made me realize about you?

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

When you get into something, you talk about it a lot.

[Chris Distefano]

A lot.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, yeah, he talks about a lot. I mean that uk, we, we. We had to endure like three months straight of him endorsing the uk.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. And cuz I'll.

[Yanis Papas]

And then it just disappears from your life.

[Chris Distefano]

Cuz I'll just leave it at this. I've also discovered this weekend it's all part of my addiction.

[Tom Segura]

So.

[Chris Distefano]

And we'll talk about that at the Patreon. So Jack Tinnerman, Evan Petty. Then we got Way Sean Cena, AKA Jijin, Pins Ball Boy, Carrie Antolis, Project Bonneman, Eric Hernandez. Then we got Toot with a boot like a VW Bug. It's a fupa. Okay, Chrissy, put the w. Oh, Chrissy, put the wig back on, please. Okay. I guess I put your wig on once.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Team Smacks, Sanjay Gupta, Brandon Stone, Fiddle Castro.

[Yanis Papas]

Fiddle Castro's fiddle. Yeah, like Fiddle Castro.

[Chris Distefano]

And they wrote C A W S T R O Castro, Fiddle Castro.

[Yanis Papas]

I don't know nothing there.

[Chris Distefano]

Almost George Dangler, Rickel Ramis Astrobo, Daniel Cal Delano, Adam Moscada, Martin Leroy King Jr.

[Yanis Papas]

Okay, so that's a good one. But you have to know. No, so blacks are Leroy's.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

And so what was the name again?

[Chris Distefano]

My father used to order a black coffin. He's called Coffee Leroy. Yeah, so they call black people.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, but who. What was. What was the thing he used to make you shoot?

[Chris Distefano]

Also? It wasn't Leroy was just.

[Yanis Papas]

What? He called that the Leroy Stick. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, so we got Maple, Martin Leroy.

[Tom Segura]

KING jr. Yeah, that's good.

[Chris Distefano]

Not bad.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, Drexler.

[Chris Distefano]

But sometimes we Get a list where there's 20 people on the list out of the first 25 names. And sometimes you only get one or two people on the list. That's what's exciting about.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah. You just don't know this one so far. I'm gonna say pretty light.

[Chris Distefano]

Pretty light. But it's okay. We still got more names. Maple Monkey. From the uncle dad part of Canada.

[Yanis Papas]

So Maple Monkey. Canadian.

[Chris Distefano]

Canadian Monkey.

[Yanis Papas]

If he would have left it at.

[Chris Distefano]

Maple Monkey, might have gone on Tiffany Lawrence. Mike Oxlong, Georgius, Carla, Carla, Dick. Okay. David B. Then we got Schlomi Frisberg, King of the shoes. Cuz he says Jews can morph and get into your shoes.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, they can. They.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay.

[Yanis Papas]

Crawl in your shoes. Make sure you lay.

[Chris Distefano]

That's why I sent you that yarmul yesterday. And I said already got him my shoes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Right.

[Yanis Papas]

We have. Yeah. They can get. Crawl in your shoes.

[Tom Segura]

That's really. It's. They are capable of anything.

[Yanis Papas]

They are. They could.

[Chris Distefano]

They could even kill the Pope.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Andrew Farquhar Aaron 2141C Tim Dillon's Ark March.

[Tom Segura]

It'S good.

[Yanis Papas]

Good.

[Tom Segura]

I like. No, I mean Drexler.

[Yanis Papas]

Now you get. That's exactly right. That would be perfect.

[Chris Distefano]

Ben Shapiro's Frisbee. That's the fun one. That's been fun.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Chicken finger.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah. Nothing's blowing Tom away yet.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. Net tech nerd. Then we got herpes. Gave me herpes. It's what it is. Kid just said he got herpes from a trans woman. From a trans woman. Woman. Michelle Doherty. Kyle Campos. Gregory Davis. My real name is Mike Cock Slow Ks what it is, actually, is that the kid's real name. Mooseman. Gibby Salichas y frijos. Pero guapo S Lo k S. Okay, so what is that like franks and beans, right?

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So what is that saying? Sally? Chichas y frijos. Isn't that Frank Salchichas.

[Tom Segura]

And E E E Frijos.

[Chris Distefano]

Isn't that franks and beans? Frankfurters and beans.

[Tom Segura]

Frijo Frios.

[Chris Distefano]

Isn't that beans?

[Tom Segura]

Maybe Frios.

[Chris Distefano]

Pero guapo s Lo k S. All right.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. But handsome is what it is, I guess.

[Chris Distefano]

Underground tunnel Rapper AKA Leroy with a Frisbee.

[Tom Segura]

Leroy with a frisbee.

[Chris Distefano]

You like it?

[Tom Segura]

It's clever.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Clever. Yeah. Leroy with a Frisbee.

[Tom Segura]

You don't see a lot of Leroy.

[Chris Distefano]

He's saying he's a black Jew and.

[Yanis Papas]

He'S saying in tunnels.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Yanis Papas]

Say it again.

[Chris Distefano]

Underground tunnel. Rapper.

[Yanis Papas]

So he's an underground tunnel rapper. Because the Jews are in tunnel.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay, okay.

[Yanis Papas]

Still not blowing time away.

[Chris Distefano]

Jordan Barskowicz. Ted Rudd. Paige Wootton. Ray Ray, the True Blue Gay. Ryan Witkins. David who's going to carry the tears of the Queers? Goggins.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty funny.

[Chris Distefano]

You like that one?

[Tom Segura]

I like it.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Not on the list yet, though.

[Yanis Papas]

No, he's not.

[Chris Distefano]

Not. Something's got to blow him away. I respect it.

[Tom Segura]

He.

[Chris Distefano]

He.

[Yanis Papas]

He recognizes a list full of directors.

[Chris Distefano]

I like that.

[Yanis Papas]

And that's what this is.

[Chris Distefano]

And sometimes that's what it is.

[Yanis Papas]

That's times something.

[Chris Distefano]

See you next Tuesday. Then we got Send Me Straight, Jack. Send me straight to the back of Medusa's ass. Because it got me Rock Hard, King Dong Ivan, Liquid. Then we got I Lickball Twins. Guns kill people. I don't know what that means. Father Squeak didn't stop to let my wife pee. Now my car smells like H1B. Saying his wife's an immigrant.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess he's saying immigrants smell.

[Chris Distefano]

Got it.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, that's what he's trying to.

[Tom Segura]

I respect it.

[Chris Distefano]

Respect it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Bart Butler. Butler. Gordy Bradbury. Rudy, Tootsie Fresh and no Few Measty Peace. Bing banged Cordyceps. Charlotte.

[Yanis Papas]

I gotta. I just gotta take a sec. Because I like yeasty peas. Good Chicken finger. Yeah, Simple. Good one.

[Chris Distefano]

And then right after that is Bing.

[Yanis Papas]

Banged, which is not a good one. Yeah, those are chicken fingers.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Forget about it. Nate Nut. Andres Montes. Bull Moose Way. Sean King is watching. White Jackie McConnell. Whitney Maguire. Garlic sliced thin. Nice. Or pee pee in butt. No dice.

[Tom Segura]

Come on.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah.

[Yanis Papas]

You like that?

[Tom Segura]

I like it.

[Chris Distefano]

Got one on the list.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah. Because we always say Italian women have to slice the garlic thin or else they get disciplined.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Okay. Two things that make Yanni go peeling, and that's trans women and cute radiator covers.

[Yanis Papas]

The guy's been listening to the show for a long time.

[Chris Distefano]

So two things that make you honest, hard women, trans women. And then he likes different covers of Radiators Around New York homes. Yeah, he's really into that.

[Yanis Papas]

And that's it. That's a guy who's been a fan from a long time, but still not on the list.

[Chris Distefano]

You don't think that. That. That hasn't made it.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, what do you think?

[Chris Distefano]

I'm gonna put that on the list.

[Yanis Papas]

That's a. That's a nostalgic one. What do you.

[Tom Segura]

Because it's a deep cut.

[Yanis Papas]

It's a deep cut. It's a Deep cut.

[Chris Distefano]

I'm gonna put him on the list just for nostalgia, but I don't know that he's a front runner at all. I don't know if there's any front runners.

[Yanis Papas]

That might have been our first. First charity list. Because the list is so weak. You threw them on. I don't know if we've ever done that.

[Chris Distefano]

Right?

[Yanis Papas]

That was a DEA hire.

[Chris Distefano]

That was.

[Yanis Papas]

I'm sorry, ddi. Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So then we got Jacob Wagner, Greg Hare. Then we got Bobby Sands in your crack. Okay. Noah Sag. Taisha. Taisha Fernandez. Harry Sisson is voting glue no matter who. Don Quixote, Ben Chellahoo, Corbin Porter. Andrea Holden was craving Middle Eastern food, so ordered Uber Eats and ate my delivery driver's ass. It's what it is.

[Tom Segura]

Come on.

[Chris Distefano]

He's on, he's on, he's on.

[Yanis Papas]

Guy was hungry.

[Chris Distefano]

It sounds like my kind of guy.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. Your kind of guy.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah, my buddy's obvious anchor baby. Faustina Meish. Okay. Yeah. Parker Lane. If Joe didn't laugh, it was funny. Okay. I mean, Joe Rogan does the Rogan hit. David a Teletubby. Michael Benjamin in how's your bean? 13. Just as straight as Alexander the Great. So that means he's gay. You said Alexander the Great was gay on the show. Thomas Ryan, Peace on probation. Xi Jingping keeps entering my canal But I can't stop with the witch hazel. Okay. Mofongo in my bunghole. Lick it clean. AOC I want AOC to eat his mo ass.

[Yanis Papas]

Puerto Rican kid.

[Chris Distefano]

Puerto Rican kid.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

Zach Bram Stroker's Dracula Forener with foreskin. Kyle Maxwell, David Uncle Russell, short cobby body. My uncle is a cat judge. Is a famous cat judge. Yeah. And so. So he know that.

[Tom Segura]

I think you told me that one time.

[Chris Distefano]

Yeah. So he has a video out there where he's judging cat. He goes, this one is my first place cat because it's got a nice short coffee body. And he speaks with a real New.

[Yanis Papas]

York actor, real queen's accent. It's very funny.

[Chris Distefano]

He goes, I got a short copy body. So this. This guy wanted to make himself Uncle Russell's cat. Okay? Nico Rico, Christopher Whitehead from Under Cheese, Charcuterie Horde. Danielle deleo. Then we got don't be a homo with fomo. Does the David have a brownie or not? Okay. Carter, Lyn Salata. And then let's just see. I don't see anyone. I don't see any of. This was a very, very disappointing light list when we had a guest like Tyler Tommy's Yeah, Tom. Cigar on. Yeah. And we didn't get anybody, really, because last week the list was knockout. Last week was the best list we might have had in five years.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that's how it has to go, right? You can't go like.

[Chris Distefano]

All right.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah.

[Chris Distefano]

So unfortunately, guys, this was a weak list, but we do have three that made the list. So we got. This is between who's going to win the PPW pseudo penis of the week. Garlic slice. Garlic slice. Thin nice. Or peepee and butt. No dice. Two things that make Yanni puing trans women and cute radiator cover drivers. And then was craving Middle Eastern food, so ordered Uber eats and ate my delivery driver's ass. It's what it is. So who do we like as the winner of those three, Tom?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I feel like I kind of want to give a nod to the nostalgia of the radiator covers. The radiator covers. I feel like that's just like, you know, it's somebody who's been with you this.

[Chris Distefano]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Long ride. Like Rick. You know, it feels like that's the right way.

[Chris Distefano]

So you like that? You like that more than eating a Middle Eastern delivery driver's ass?

[Tom Segura]

I wouldn't go that far. That's. I mean, that's fantastic. That guy is speaking my language. But. But I just feel like I want to give the credit to, like, the person that has been with you that long.

[Chris Distefano]

I like that you respect that. So that's. That's. That's the winner.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like, like that that person is a.

[Yanis Papas]

You know, and it's good. It's a good one.

[Chris Distefano]

Congratulations to two things that make Yanni puing trans women and cute radiator covers funny, too. You are PPW pseudo penis of the week. You will see your name up in lights at history hyenas is back.com, along with all our standup dates and Tom Wick. Let me.

[Tom Segura]

Let me speak for fans when I say I'm so happy you guys are back together doing this. You guys have unbelievable chemistry together. It's fun to watch. I always. You guys are two of the funniest guys I've ever met. Thank you. I love watching you guys together. So please keep doing this podcast.

[Chris Distefano]

And we are. And we are.

[Yanis Papas]

And we are. Ymh, baby.

[Chris Distefano]

We are ymh. And we are. We are butt chugging lightning strike every day on the show Stick kicking it in our ass directly. And you guys better go to that fucking 5k in Tampa, you pieces of shit.

[Tom Segura]

Go to it. And I'm on tour. Tickets are at tomsagura. Com tour May 13. My new series, Bad Thoughts, drops on Netflix. Please check it out.

[Yanis Papas]

Yeah, can't wait.

[Chris Distefano]

Awesome.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Yanis Papas]

I saw the trailer.

[Chris Distefano]

Absolutely.

[Yanis Papas]

It looks great.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you. Thank you.